Notes: “Core Value”

Core Value Summary [from Steven Stosny’s Webinar]

I was at the hospital the other day for my sister’s lumpectomy and I have to wait for 2.5 hours.  I end up sitting at St David’s cafeteria  with my field notes and iphone listening to youtube on this webinar and taking notes.  Lately, I finished the book “Living and Loving after Betrayal” by Stosny and I’m re-reading a few chapters for note taking.  I found this particular chapter interesting and decided to spend time on the subject.

Some people are [lazy], don’t have time and don’t want to go through all the materials and would rather just have the summary, so for those people, here’s the summary.  It’s not perfect but I think I captured 90.1% of the materials discussed in the video. 

Chapter 5, p57 is the core value chapter if you have the book.

Why I’m reading this book? 

No, I don’t have a need for this book.  It’s just a hobby – to know stuff.  The book is not really about betrayal and recovery, I think the title should be like “Strengthening Bonds”, or “Emotional Well Being” or “Formula for Happiness and Beyond” etc. 

Your action items:
1. Watch the 20 min video [yes, it’s boring but informative]
2. Read the notes below
3. Perform a core value assessment using the excel file below

Core Value Assessment.xlsx

What makes life worth living?
Good health
Emotional well being
Self-Regulation (acting in your long term interest0
Sense of meaning and purpose
Relationship harmony
Love
Compassion
Spirituality
Appreciation of natural and creative beauty

What makes these things possible?
How to attain them?
How to keep them?

To create value is to be true to that values that you create
To value someone or something is to hold that person/thing as important and worthy of
appreciation
time
effort
sacrifice

To value something = appreciation + time + effort + sacrifice
Emotional well being = Valuing/Devaluing [divided by]
Emotional well being depends on valuing more than we devalue
If you value more than devalue = life is good even when in adversity [no material things]
If you devalue more than value = life is bad even when everything is good [has money, possession etc]
Focus more on valuing than devalue
We feel authentic when we are true to our deepest values [genuine]
We feel numb when we are indifferent to our values
We feel guilt and shame when we violate our values
We feel meaningless when we are out of touch in our values
Deeper values = more meaning and purpose
Shallow values = less meaning and purpose
Core values = we seek to value and we seek to be valued
When people are to choose between food, comfort and love, we choose love first
Core values – are in the sub-conscious level, larger than self, we are alive
Core values – activates the power of motivation
To Improve
To Appreciate
To Connect
To Protect

Formula:
Core Value = Improve + Appreciate + Connect + Protect
We never lose our core values, we only lose touch of it [lost awareness]
Core value is "the will to live"
When we lost the will to live, the fix is to get to know back our core values
When detached from Core Values, we experience: [these are the symptoms]
Protective emotions [anger and resentment]
Defensive behavior [aggression and withdrawal]
Insulating moods [brooding and depression]
Vigilant Moods [anxiety and agitation]
Addiction Behavior [compulsive behavior]

How to get in touch with core values?
Core Values is  invincible, non-negotiable, within you
Core Values is  untouchable by external world, no event/behavior of others can lower your core value
Core Values is  regulated entirely by your own behavior and not by the behavior of others
Behavior of others are  reflections of their current core values
Example: Someone being rude to you.  It is not your fault, it is not your core value, it is the core value of the person who is rude that is being displayed. 

Core value is non-negotiable. Never at stake in any kind of interaction with others
Core value is a place within you, inside you
Core value pours out from you, not into you
Core value solid foundation lies within you
Core value is an inviolable place [cannot be violated]
Core value is a strength and renewal place within you
Core value does not need defenses

Defensiveness is trying to prove your value to someone else
You know that you are valuable
You know that you are worthy of love because you can feel compassion
Negative thoughts are turned into motivation to improve, to appreciate, to connect and to protect to strengthen your own core values
You can feel sadness, grief, disappointment and loss but you can never be unlovable or inadequate when you are in touch of your core values
Feeling of unlovable and inadequacy can be self-regulated by improving core values
Natural human emotions = i’m sad, disappointment; but I can add value to my life by improving my core values [focusing on it]
Other people can make you feel loved but they cannot make you "worthy of love"
Focus on making yourself "worthy of love"
Focus on making yourself "lovable"
Don’t focus on getting love, focus on being lovable
Getting in touch of your core value is the greatest thing you can do for your families or partner

Relationship Repair
Repairing Relationships = hold on to your core values under stress and you will have a chance to repair your broken relationship
Be loving and be compassionate to your self first
Heal yourself first before taking steps to repair the relationship.
Healing starts in improving your core values.  

 

Core Value List

Value/ Trait	Definition
Peace	To create tranquility within myself, my family, and the world.
Happiness	To be content within myself and within my life
Authenticity	To be fully present and without preconceived notions
Justice	To engage in just behavior or treatment.
Faith/Hope	To have complete trust and confidence. To maintain a feeling of expectation and desire
Honesty	To tell the truth, without blame or judgment
Loyalty	To be committed to the goals of a group of people who share my beliefs, values and ethical principles.
Integrity	To live and work consistent with my personal values and standards. To acknowledge/stand up for my personal beliefs.
Truth	To discern fact from fiction
Wisdom	To grow in understanding of myself, my personal calling and life’s real purpose. To grow in knowledge and practice my spiritual beliefs.  To find lasting meaning in what I do.
Respect for Self	To have a high regard for who I am. To not abuse my body or spirit through drugs, laziness or putdowns. To strive to be the best I can be.
Courtesy	To treat others as I wish to be treated
Creativity	To be innovative. To create new and better ways of doing things.
Health	To be physically and mentally fit.
Wealth	To earn a great deal of money (i.e., well beyond my family’s basic needs). To be financially independent.
Success	To achieve significant goals. To be involved in undertakings I believe personally are significant – whether or not they bring me recognition from others.
Influence	To have an effect on the character or behavior of someone or something.
Power	To do something or to act in a particular way.To influence the behavior of others, the emotions, or the course of events. To have authority given or delegated to you. To have physical strength or force.
Service	To contribute to the well-being and satisfaction of others. To help people who need help and improve society.
Independence	To have freedom of thought and action. To be able to act in terms of my own time schedules and priorities.
Relationships	To connect beyond words and actions
Respect for Others	Recognize the worth of other people. To show others that I value and appreciate them through my actions and comments.
Friendship/	To have strong, mutual heart relations with other people
Fame	To be recognized as someone special by large numbers of people
Enjoyment	To take pleasure in my life. To possess and benefit from my life choices
Love	To maintain a deep feeling of affection for life
Leadership	To motivate and energize other people. To feel responsible for identifying and accomplishing needed group tasks.
Recognition/ Expertness	To be recognized for whom I am and my contribution to life. To become a known and respected authority in what I do.
Family/Community	To have time with my family. To be deeply involved with a group that has a larger purpose beyond one’s self. To perform in effective and caring teamwork
Status/Prestige	To be seen by others as successful. To become well known. To obtain recognition and status in my chosen field.
Location	To be able to live where I want to live.
Responsibility	To choose between what is right and what is wrong. To be responsible for my behavior and accept the consequences of my behavior. Can be trusted. Are reliable.