Forever Formula

To my dearL4 friend SJ [newlywed] February 29, 2016:

May both of you keep the covenant of marriage forever.  There will be times of trouble – please endure patiently.  Marriage is not a sprint event but rather a long distance endurance race.  When you celebrate your 25th anniversary, please call me.  I have a gift for you waiting.

RA

The Partner
Caring
Responsive
Communal
Intrinsically interested in a romantic relationship
Positively correlated with agreeableness and a secure attachment style
Negatively correlated with sociosexuality and the three insecure attachment styles.
Partners were more likely to be female than male.

The player
Pursues a mixed reproductive strategy of being moderately warm while eschewing commitment [avoid and stay away from deliberately]
Strongly correlated with sociosexuality
Somewhat negatively correlated with agreeableness
Correlated with all three of the insecure attachment prototypes
Insecure Attachment Style-Anxious–preoccupied
Preoccupied Attachment Style-Dismissive–avoidant
Fearful Attachment Style
Correlated most strongly with dismissive

The Parasite
Pursues a long-term relationship strategy apparently to address personal needs or deficiencies
Passionate
Intense
Stalker-may engage in stalking if the partner decides to leave
Negatively correlated with agreeableness
Positively correlated with the preoccupied attachment style
Uncorrelated with sociosexuality.

The Predator
Unrestricted individual
Unscrupulous predator
Exploits and abandon the date
Negatively correlated with agreeableness
Positively correlated with sociosexuality
Positively correlated with fearful attachment style

Source: Handbook of Relationship Initiation Sprecher, Wenzel, Harvey Chapter 5 p.101 ISBN-13: 978-0805861600

Strength of Valence: V=f(A x P)

After my 2.4mile swim today, I had two choices for recovery: Read/Study Powershell4.0 or Read a Psychology book.  The outcome is shown below.  Powershell can wait.  I’ll do it at work with actual examples.

Lately, I’ve been doing a research on how people starts a relationship and came across a book called Handbook of Relationship Initiation.  It’s a broad subject,  Chapter 1 is covering the model of romantic encounter [see flowchart below] and how the Is and the Os starts out a relationship.  I = being the initiator and O=being the Other/person being pursued.  I won’t elaborate more because I’m not an expert on the subject.  You can study the flowchart yourself and synthesize the process so that you can gain an upper hand in your pursuit of a relationship [success rate].  Please note and be forewarned that this flowchart is intended for “SINGLE” individuals “”only””- those who are seeking a fresh relationship.

If you are married or reserved in advance, stay away and read this article instead:  What Makes Romance So Romantic (and So Doomed)?  [Seltzer 2015] . I had been searching for an explanation of why people who were so romantic and crazy in love becomes the worst enemies later in the long term relationship. The article I mentioned explained the psychodynamics of romantic love and it’s transition to the stage of commitment and why the romantic well dries out.  I did not know that romance is just a temporary thing.  Enjoy it while it’s there.

Now I know! I’ll stop looking for answers from now on.

4 Stages of Relationship Initiation:
Stage 1:Appraisal of Initial Attraction
Stage 2:Decision to Make an Overture
Stage 3:Strategic Self-presentation
Stage 4:Build-up of Rapport

Handbook of Relationship Initiation
Author: Susan Sprecher
ISBN: 13-978-0805861600
Pages: 596
Chapters: 27

Salient-Having a quality that thrusts itself into attention; (heraldry) represented as leaping (rampant but leaning forward)
Attraction-The quality of arousing interest; being attractive or something that attracts
Overture-A tentative suggestion designed to elicit the reactions of others
Rapport-A relationship of mutual understanding or trust and agreement between people
Valence-(biology) a relative capacity to unite or react or interact as with antigens or a biological substrate;  (chemistry) a property of atoms or radicals; their combining power given in terms of the number of hydrogen atoms (or the equivalent)

Formula: Strength of Valence
V = f (A × P) p. 13
V=strength of the valence of making an overture
A=the individual’s attraction toward the other
P=the would-be initiator’s estimate of the probability that an overture will be accepted rather than rejected by the person; The probability of acceptance, in turn, is a joint function of the potential initiators’ perceptions of the other’s openness to their motives for affiliation and
their estimate of the likelihood the other will return their attraction

People may signal their interest in being approached, for example, p14
1. by how they orient to the person,
2. by their bodily posture,
3. by physical displays,
4. by establishing and maintaining eye contact, or
5. by smiling and moving closer or into a person’s line of sight

10 Process Steps – Successful Encounter:
1. “I” Salient Motive(s)
2. “I” Attraction (Fit between I’s Motives and O’s Attributes)
3. “I” High Attraction
4. “O’s” Perceived Attraction to I
5. “O” Perceived Openness to “I” motives
5. “I” and “O” Moderate to High Confidence of Acceptance
6. “I” Decide to Make an Overture
7. “I” and “O” High Confidence-Self-Expression
8. “I” and “O” Moderate Confidence-Strategic Self-Presentation
9. “I” and “O” Build-up of Rapport
10. “I” and “O” Encounter Successful

LEGEND
I = Initiator
O = Other (person being pursued)

The top five important qualities in relationship
1. mutual attraction and/or love,
2. emotional stability and/or maturity,
3. dependable character,
4. pleasing disposition, and
5. education and/or intelligence
Note: beauty/attractiveness is not here

QotD001: Close Friends 20180404
I don’t have a lot of friends in general but I do find an effort to make friends with someone I don’t know much.  Friendship is a relationship so the criteria for reciprocity must be there. Connections is also a must..but not just verbal or proximity but rather invisible forms such as likes, quietness index, reserve index (not too aggressive) and above all honest. In my list are these people. LF/PN/TN/AM/MW

QotD002: Broken a Heart 20180405
Everyone has a story to tell regarding this type of life event.  I want to mention the year it happened to be specific but I know that the audience perception will be different because I’m sure you have not existed yet, it’s not imaginable.  So let’s just say it happened long time ago.  After a heartbreak 1 (you have to learn the codes eventually and you will get it one way or another)…there was a long famine in the land, it will take years for the lack of no food and water and the heart becomes as hard as the rock.  Then one day, a person comes to life, crosses my pathway and then realize this might be the forthcoming event that I’ve been waiting for.  It all started with a gaze then a smile then a gaze then more smile and the next thing you know you are connected to each other in some invisible connection that you think life on earth is so beautiful and eternal.  As the year passes by and then more years came, the spark once we had together starts to fade and the connection started to loose it’s momentum…i wanted the other party to notice but the person is blinded by what we’ve shared together and ignored the warnings of a faded love…the other person continue on the long eroded connection. Then out of the blue, another person comes to life and became 3, then 4 etc.  By the time i realize that I am suppose to delete a few # before i can climb another mountain, i pretended that i did but in reality, they still existed.  It’s hard to imagine to discard a very precious gift at one moment in life because there was another one that came around. It was a horrible act and if ever I have to go through that path again, I’m sure I will choose a better way of handling the situation.  Even up to this day, no contact to 2.  But we grow up so quickly and learn to forget things, but not just so sure if the other party had forgotten.  I can’t change what happened but sure I’ve told this story to some so that one day at my funeral a person can look for 2 and say that I am truly sorry.

Exhortation Is Not = Mercy

A few months ago, I completed  Riso’s book called /enneagram-personality-types/ . I never understood why I scored very low as Type2-Helper during the personality test. In fact, I scored the lowest. Just go to the entry that I mentioned to fully understand personality types.  There is also a spreadsheet notes that I collected that you can download for your own use.

Yesterday,  a level 1.8 friend told me something that really bothered me.  The conversation was just so passing because I have to attend to another urgent task.  This person told me about “the crying in the bathroom at work”.  When I got home last night, I sat in front of my computer and contemplate and then look up DSM-5  and see what I missed on this person [I was just curious].  This person looked happy, sweet, soft spoken, gentle, knows boundary a lot,  normal, content, lively, full of smile, loves to work, very hardworking, always doing something for work, comes to work on time,  has a lot of friends, has a nice job, has a fiancée and waiting to be married soon.  From my perspective, has a GAF Score of 90 [GAF info here] .

This morning, I found the answer why I am not Type-2.  http://www.spiritualgiftstest.com/spiritual-gifts

Exhortation
For by the grace given to me I say to everyone among you not to think of himself more highly than he ought to think, but to think with sober judgment, each according to the measure of faith that God has assigned. 4For as in one body we have many members, and the members do not all have the same function, 5so we, though many, are one body in Christ, and individually members one of another. 6Having gifts that differ according to the grace given to us, let us use them: if prophecy, in proportion to our faith; 7if service, in our serving; the one who teaches, in his teaching; 8the one who exhorts, in his exhortation; the one who contributes, in generosity; the one who leads, with zeal; the one who does acts of mercy, with cheerfulness.
https://www.bible.com/bible/59/rom.12.esv

Spiritual Gifts
Administration
Knowledge
Apostleship
Leadership
Discernment
Mercy
Evangelism   
Miracles
Exhortation
Pastor/Shepherd
Faith
Prophecy
Giving
Serving/Ministering
Healing   
Teaching
Interpretation of
Tongues   
Tongues
Wisdom

/EnneagramTest-ra.xls

NOTES: Caretaker or Caregiver

http://www.expressivecounseling.com/codependency-caretaking/
By Elizabeth Kupferman

Caretaker
1. Caretaking feels stressful, exhausting and frustrating.
2. Caretaking crosses boundaries. [types of boundaries]
3. Caretaking takes from the recipient or gives with strings attached
4. Caretakers don’t practice self-care because they mistakenly believe it is a selfish act.
5. Caretakers worry
6. Caretakers think they know what’s best for others
7. Caretakers don’t trust others’ abilities to care for themselves
8. Caretaking creates anxiety and/or depression in the caretaker
9. Caretakers tend to attract needy people.
10. Caretakers tend to be judgmental
11. Caretakers start fixing when a problem arises for someone else
12. Caretakers tend to be dramatic in their caretaking and focus on the problem;
13. Caretakers us the word “You” a lot

Caregiver
1. Caregiving feels right and feels like love. It re-energizes and inspires you.
2. Caregiving honors boundaries.
3. Caregiving gives freely.
4. Caregivers practice self-care unabashedly because they know that keeping themselves happy enables them to be of service to others.
5. Caregivers take action and solve problems.
6. Caregivers only know what’s best for themselves.
7. Caregivers trust others enough to allow them to activate their own inner guidance and problem
8. Caregiving decreases anxiety and/or depression in the caregiver
9. Caregivers tend to attract healthy people.
10. Caregivers don’t see the logic in judging others and practice a “live and let live attitude.”
11. Caregivers empathize fully, letting the other person know they are not alone and lovingly asks, [one who showed mercy]
12. Caregivers can create dramatic results by focusing on the solutions.
13. Caregivers say “I” more.

Notes: Anxiety = Importance x Uncertainty x Powerlessness

I would like to share the following simple formula to deal with anxiety from Steven Stosny’s youtube presentation.  View the presentation here. It’s not magic! It’s somewhat mathematical. I took time taking notes because I really wanted to find out what is the true formula for anxiety [if there is].  I’ve been dealing with anxiety for a while now and for some reason, anxiety is always present in life no matter what the event or situation is.  Lately, I’ve been helping someone coping with a tragic event in life and I have no positive words to say because I have no idea on how to handle the situation [at first].  All I have was empathy, the “I’m with you stuff”.    Later on, I’ve found out the it was all “powerlessness” – “I do not know what to do”… which produces the anxiety. 

I was skeptic at first about the formula but then when I synthesized his theory, plugged in some examples and number – the formula started to make sense.  I challenged you to test the formula and see if it has merits in your situation.  Here’s how I made the formula works for me.

Formula of Anxiety
Anxiety = Importance x Uncertainty x Powerlessness

Let:
Anxiety = 1000 [at the highest level]
Importance = 0-10 [0 at the lowest value]
Uncertainty = 0-10
Powerlessness = 0-10
Anxiety = 10 x 10 x 10

“If any of the variables – Importance, Uncertainty and Powerlessness is close to zero or equal to zero, the value of anxiety becomes irrelevant.”

Examples:
#1-My heart attack at age 42 [2008], “I might die”
Importance = 10
Uncertainty = 10
Powerlessness = 0, I can ride my bike for 5 hours on every weekend.
Anxiety = 0

#2-Subsurface swim – a 25 yards underwater swim with one breath at the end, “I might drown”
Importance = 10
Uncertainty = 10
Powerlessness = 0, I can do the routines over and over as a warm up of my long distance swim workout
Anxiety = 0

#3-50-Mile Bike Safety – “I might die being hit by a car while cycling”
Importance = 1, if I die, my wife and kids will get my life insurance plus they can enjoy my 401k without penalty.
Uncertainty = 10
Powerlessness = 1, I’ve been cycling for >10 years and I know what to do in the road.
Anxiety = 10

#4-My retirement money invested in one fund only and JAGLX  will lose value overtime, “I might lose all my retirement funds”
Importance = 10
Uncertainty = 2, if the market crashes, all stocks will go down as well.  The market trend is always trending upward since the beginning of the financial market. Market Index Chart
Powerlessness = 10, I have no control of the stock market.  If I hide my money under my bed, it will not grow.
Anxiety = 200

#5-I’m overwhelmed at work with so many projects and not much time to work on, “I might lose my job”
Importance = 10
Uncertainty = 2
Powerlessness = 1, I know what to do, I just need to spend more time on every project and task.
Anxiety = 20

#6-My marriage is emotionless and dry, “I’m worried that the 25 years of marriage will eventually fail”
Importance = 0, it’s not important, I know my “core values” by heart.  I’ll deal with it when I get in the water.
Uncertainty = 10
Powerlessness = 10
Anxiety = 0

Enjoy!
ra

Notes from the video:

Anxiety
1. They are not  reality
2. They are signals about a “possible reality”
3. They are calibrated to give “false positive”

General Rules:
1. Check out the alarm
2. Don’t assume that it is accurate
3. It only signals “caution” – not danger

3 Types of Anxiety
1. Temperamental – emotional tone
2. Situational – particular situation, example: test or public speaking
3. Symptomatic – of something else. example: depletion of physical resources such as being tired, hungry or sick, emotional disorder, stress

Characteristics of Anxiety
1. Scanning – difficult to focus, you are panning the horizon, taking lots of information. 
2. Thought racing – unrealistic, antidote is writing down what you are thinking to slow down your thoughts
3. Self-consciousness – “I might be judged”; “they are looking at me”
4. Vigilance – judging others, looking for negatives

Anxiety – is the first level of alarm
Fear – the major level of alarm

Beneficial Anxiety
1. A signal for caution: “be careful”
2. Self acceptance – too self critical
3. Self Care – need to sleep, need to eat well, need to exercise, need to practice self compassion
4. Relationship repair

Problem Anxiety
1. All signals mean that something bad will happen:
2. I won’t be able to cope with it
3. The cost of coping will be too great

Anxiety Plus Impulse Control
1. anxious people are controlling
2. try to avoid feeling of “out of control”
3. attempting to regulate anxiety by trying to get the environment stimulating
4. external regulation of emotion never works –> it increases vigilance

Anxiety and Blame = Anger and Resentment
Something bad will happen and it is your fault
Blame temporarily empowers against anxiety with amphetamine – stimulant [adrenalin or cortisol]
Blame kills = chronic resentment = powerlessness = life sucks = depression [delete blaming entirely in your life]

Regulating Anxiety
1. Ask yourself how important is it?
2. How relevant is it to my core values?  Happiness, Joy, Peace
3. How important is it to my growth? Happiness?
4. Reduce the “unknowns” by learning more.
5. Understand other perspectives.
6. Increase the ability to cope by developing  contingency plans.
7. Decide what to do at worst case scenario.

Regulating the urge to control anxiety
Control is within you
1. Resiliency
2. Adaptability
3. Tolerance
4. Problem solving
5. Core values

Anxiety and Core Values; Focus on Core Values
1. What is most important to you?
2. What you most wanted to build?
3. What value you most wanted to create in life?
4. What you most appreciate?

Soothing Anxiety
1. Self-consciousness – focus on small positive qualities of others [smile]
2. Vigilance – appreciate the core values of other people [notice them]
3. Impulse to scan – focus on details [mindfulness]
4. Slow down thought racing – give an anxious thought an answer that mobilizes solution and improvement
5. Recognize that unpleasant feelings are temporary
6. Recognize that pain and unpleasant emotions are major organizers of recall [what we remembers]

”when you are in pain, you cannot recall ever not having been in pain”
pain = memory of pain

state dependent recall – we can only remember the state we are in when we are in pain
when anxious, you can’t recall a different emotional state/pain
recognizing this trick of memory regulates anxiety
anxious thought – I’ve always felt bad and always will
regulation – this bad feeling will pass, they can’t last
train your brain a new habit to regulate emotion
convert possibility thinking to probability action
anxiety is about possibility – something bad might happen
how likely it is to happen?
it requires analysis – slows down racing thoughts – enhances focus – regulates anxiety
”the roof might cave in – possible but not likely

When possibility is assessed
1. Plan what to do to improve / repair
2. Ask – did it happen

Living with temperamental anxiety
1. Understand – most anxiety is metabolic without a psychological meaning
2. Accept – certain level of anxiety is insignificant
3. Nurture –reassure yourself, take care of yourself

Living with an anxious person
1. We are attracted to opposite temperament
2. Lower your anxiety by promoting focus and reduce scanning
3. Show compassion – no malicious intent
4. Compassion lower anxiety
5. Criticism raises anxiety

How to increase anxiety?
1. View each other as opponent
2. Blame each other
3. Criticize

How to lower anxiety
1. View each other as friends and teammates
2. Comfort each other
3. Encourage and reassure

Anxiety and Depression
1. Difficult to know which is primary
2. Anxiety consumes energy – depletes energy
3. Coping capacity – can feel like depression
4. Depression reduces confidence and perceived ability to cope – making you vulnerable – overwhelmed – anxious and then powerless

Anxiety – hyper
Depression – hypo

If anxious / depressed
1. Get a physical exam
2. Walk 30 minutes a day
3. Create value

Anxiety / Depression [Don’ts/Do]
1. Never focus on how bad you feel on how justified you are in feeling bad
2. Never justify the feeling – you have the right to it.
3. Choose between justifying and changing it
4. Never think that emotional validation is a need – no – you don’t need emotional validation. ”You don’t have to validate the smoke alarm, you have to put out the fire”.
5. Focus on what you need to do to get better
6. Become the person you most want to be
7. Staying true to your deepest value
8. Self-care
9. Core value – is the way to regulate Related post: Core Value
10. Reassure self and loved one.

Notes: “Core Value”

Core Value Summary [from Steven Stosny’s Webinar]

I was at the hospital the other day for my sister’s lumpectomy and I have to wait for 2.5 hours.  I end up sitting at St David’s cafeteria  with my field notes and iphone listening to youtube on this webinar and taking notes.  Lately, I finished the book “Living and Loving after Betrayal” by Stosny and I’m re-reading a few chapters for note taking.  I found this particular chapter interesting and decided to spend time on the subject.

Some people are [lazy], don’t have time and don’t want to go through all the materials and would rather just have the summary, so for those people, here’s the summary.  It’s not perfect but I think I captured 90.1% of the materials discussed in the video. 

Chapter 5, p57 is the core value chapter if you have the book.

Why I’m reading this book? 

No, I don’t have a need for this book.  It’s just a hobby – to know stuff.  The book is not really about betrayal and recovery, I think the title should be like “Strengthening Bonds”, or “Emotional Well Being” or “Formula for Happiness and Beyond” etc. 

Your action items:
1. Watch the 20 min video [yes, it’s boring but informative]
2. Read the notes below
3. Perform a core value assessment using the excel file below

Core Value Assessment.xlsx

What makes life worth living?
Good health
Emotional well being
Self-Regulation (acting in your long term interest0
Sense of meaning and purpose
Relationship harmony
Love
Compassion
Spirituality
Appreciation of natural and creative beauty

What makes these things possible?
How to attain them?
How to keep them?

To create value is to be true to that values that you create
To value someone or something is to hold that person/thing as important and worthy of
appreciation
time
effort
sacrifice

To value something = appreciation + time + effort + sacrifice
Emotional well being = Valuing/Devaluing [divided by]
Emotional well being depends on valuing more than we devalue
If you value more than devalue = life is good even when in adversity [no material things]
If you devalue more than value = life is bad even when everything is good [has money, possession etc]
Focus more on valuing than devalue
We feel authentic when we are true to our deepest values [genuine]
We feel numb when we are indifferent to our values
We feel guilt and shame when we violate our values
We feel meaningless when we are out of touch in our values
Deeper values = more meaning and purpose
Shallow values = less meaning and purpose
Core values = we seek to value and we seek to be valued
When people are to choose between food, comfort and love, we choose love first
Core values – are in the sub-conscious level, larger than self, we are alive
Core values – activates the power of motivation
To Improve
To Appreciate
To Connect
To Protect

Formula:
Core Value = Improve + Appreciate + Connect + Protect
We never lose our core values, we only lose touch of it [lost awareness]
Core value is "the will to live"
When we lost the will to live, the fix is to get to know back our core values
When detached from Core Values, we experience: [these are the symptoms]
Protective emotions [anger and resentment]
Defensive behavior [aggression and withdrawal]
Insulating moods [brooding and depression]
Vigilant Moods [anxiety and agitation]
Addiction Behavior [compulsive behavior]

How to get in touch with core values?
Core Values is  invincible, non-negotiable, within you
Core Values is  untouchable by external world, no event/behavior of others can lower your core value
Core Values is  regulated entirely by your own behavior and not by the behavior of others
Behavior of others are  reflections of their current core values
Example: Someone being rude to you.  It is not your fault, it is not your core value, it is the core value of the person who is rude that is being displayed. 

Core value is non-negotiable. Never at stake in any kind of interaction with others
Core value is a place within you, inside you
Core value pours out from you, not into you
Core value solid foundation lies within you
Core value is an inviolable place [cannot be violated]
Core value is a strength and renewal place within you
Core value does not need defenses

Defensiveness is trying to prove your value to someone else
You know that you are valuable
You know that you are worthy of love because you can feel compassion
Negative thoughts are turned into motivation to improve, to appreciate, to connect and to protect to strengthen your own core values
You can feel sadness, grief, disappointment and loss but you can never be unlovable or inadequate when you are in touch of your core values
Feeling of unlovable and inadequacy can be self-regulated by improving core values
Natural human emotions = i’m sad, disappointment; but I can add value to my life by improving my core values [focusing on it]
Other people can make you feel loved but they cannot make you "worthy of love"
Focus on making yourself "worthy of love"
Focus on making yourself "lovable"
Don’t focus on getting love, focus on being lovable
Getting in touch of your core value is the greatest thing you can do for your families or partner

Relationship Repair
Repairing Relationships = hold on to your core values under stress and you will have a chance to repair your broken relationship
Be loving and be compassionate to your self first
Heal yourself first before taking steps to repair the relationship.
Healing starts in improving your core values.  

Core Value List

Endless Love …

Positive Pairing: 8 Ingredients (Pp) Mathematical Formula

I still think that my time in this world is very short because of my stent #2.  For the past 3 years now, I had been building my core team at home [my family] from scratch.  It has been fun to watch each member of the family grows as a person.  Today, I found one word which define what I’m currently doing – “autonomous training”, see ingredient #1 below.

autonomy-the capacity of a system to make its own decisions about its actions; Personal independence

Positive Pairing Mathematical Formula:
Pp=( 1 ) (  2 )  ( 3 ) ( 4 ) ( 5 ) ( 6 )  ( 8) ( 7 ) ( 8 )

Pp=0, you are not positively paired with your spouse, partner, friend, team, small group [don’t hit the delete button yet, instead, work on restoring the missing ingredient.]

Pp=>1, you are good to go, you will last a lifetime

Let:
Pp-positive pairing
1-ingredient #1
2-ingredient #2
3-ingredient #3
4-ingredient #4
5-ingredient #5
6-ingredient #6
7-ingredient #7
8-ingredient #8

"Positive Pairing" Ingredients By Satir 1988
1. Each person stands firmly on his or her own feet and is autonomous.
2. Each person can be counted on to say real "yes’s" and "no’s" — in other words, to be emotionally honest.
3. Each person can ask for what she or he wants.
4. Each acknowledges and takes responsibility for her or his actions.
5. Each can keep promises.
6. Each can be counted on to be kind, fun to be around, courteous, considerate, and real.
7. Each takes full freedom to choose to comment on what is going on.
8. Each supports the other’s dreams in whatever way possible. Together, they cooperate instead of competing.

"The single most crucial factor in love relationships is the feeling of worth each person has for self"

“ positive pairing” – the capacity of each member of the relationship to "stand on their own two feet," being
responsible for self

When a marital relationship is based on a survival pact, where each partner attempts to borrow a sense of self from the mate, difficulties are inevitable. In such a case, Satir illustrated the marital dialogue in this manner: "If I run out of supplies I will take from you. You will have enough, in an emergency, to serve us both" (1967, p. 9). Autonomy is not feasible within such a dysfunctional pact because it threatens the homeostasis of the marital bond. Since the spouses believe that their very survival is dependent on their partner, individuation is seriously hampered.