When Someone Close Departs… Day 0040

I’ve been keeping my grief in silence for such a long time now. But the more I kept it to myself, the more “emotionally paralyzed” I felt. I’ve read a few books about grief two years ago or so (Depression of Grief, Denial of Death, Time Cure etc) during the time when my father in-law Papa Jojo passed away in 2016, he was 86. I was helping my wife go through her own battle of grief/sadness and I really thought that I am emotionally and psychologically prepared, I was wrong. It hurts to lose someone close. Then December 19, 2018 came and it was my turn to feel the dreaded event of all, my mother passed away at the of 86. How coincidental that the two had the same age when they left earth, both cancer but of different kind. They were also both from the same hometown in Merida, Leyte. I don’t want to elaborate more. Today marks the 40th days since her day. I just wanted to say something here in in remembrance of what took place during that day.

Mom, December 9, 2019, a day after I arrived in Cebu. Recently diagnosed that day with Stage4 Pancreatic Cancer… with a big smile and I thought 3-6 months were our time remaining.

 

2018

Event + Emotion un-Synchronization Day 0039

 

1. Grief is directly proportional to attachment/love.
2. Grief is our inner thoughts and feelings during our loss
3. Grief when we lost a valued possession
4. Grief is a spiritual transformation
5. Mourning is the outward expression of grief; grief gone public; putting emotion into motion. Notes (Depression of Grief)

It was a normal Saturday for me, I rode my bike indoors for 30 miles and watched a few movies while doing the exercise. I ate lunch right after and had another shot of espresso. My energy was still high so as my emotions and so I decided to work on the front/back yard. The grass needs mowing and so I put on my safety glasses, hearing protection and off to do the 2 hours yard work.

But strange things happened to me as I started working… SADNESS… and that I can never understood at first. I kept mowing the yard, finish the edging and then blowing the leftover grass. I took a shower and soaked myself in a hot tub for 30 minutes but then SADNESS overwhelmed me again. I then went to my office and read something technical/computer related and SADNESS will not go away. I ate dinner with Britta and she noticed my odd behavior but I did not explain much to her, I kept my verbal communication less. I went to bed at 2am (which is very unusual since I got back from RM249) and hoping that I will dream about Mom. I woke up this morning and still feeling a little sad but getting better and so I decided to dig deeper.

It was a Saturday, December 1, 2018 two days from my departure to Cebu that I mowed my yard last and I now remembered that I was so sad that morning thinking about Mom’s health and I am still days away from her. It was that day that I was caught speeding in Gattis School Rd because I was doing 54mph on a 45mph street. It was the "mowing activity" that invoked my SADNESS emotion and brought my whole feelings down. It was truly a sad day that Saturday.

 

Lesson Learned:

1. Respect sadness
2. Go through it
3. Execute #5, Mourning Phase
4. Sync reality + grief + sadness + loss to December 19, 2018 event
5. …

 

Jejunostomy What If? Day 0036

Dear Ate, Dayline, Bebs and Chadd,

Last week as I was reading my journal on the week leading to 12/19, I had a few questions in mind.
1. What if jejunostomy was carried out?
2. Will Mom be able to go home?
3. Will the outcome be different?

I’ve did some reading about jejunostomy +complications and found this paper, please take a look so that you will understand Mom’s predicament.  I also sent you the "emotional evanescence" article a while back, emotional evanescence in psychology is somewhat a way for us humans to maintain balance in our thinking. But the key to go back to normalcy (emotional stability) when negative events happened is to "make sense" of it.  Making sense – meaning, you have to understand what took place, the negative and positive outcome etc and know what really happened.  Of course we won’t really know what took place physically but at least we can understand the physical failure point of Mom’s body.  Mom had a digestive system failure (gastric outlet obstruction) which led to the discovery of pancreatic cancer that spread to her liver, colon and bone. We did our best for her until December 19, 2018 at 8:51pm she passed away with all of her children surrounding/accompanying her up to her last breath.

http://www.ijcasereportsandimages.com/archive/2014/011-2014-ijcri/CR-10447-11-2014-jethwani/ijcri-1044711201447-jethwani.pdf
http://www.danielgilbert.com/Wilson%20(Evanescence).pdf

Dec14th, Friday, Jejunostomy declined by the doctor
Dec16th, Sunday, Mom first distress
Dec17th, Monday, Mom had a good day. Also the day Bebs bought the AC.

Fast forward-Dreams
1. Hyades’ Dream: Mom came back dead
2. Chadd’s Dream: ICU-Regular Room-Home

I think both of your dreams answered my questions.
1. Jejunostomy carried out, she goes to ICU then move to regular room and we eventually goes home.
2. But the ending is the same. Mom will eventually dies.

Grieving is a process and there is no shortcut to it. We all been through with Dad 36 years ago and even up to now, I still misses him. How much more with Mom? I am pretty sure that we will miss her the more because we spent more time with her and we have great memories together.

Please don’t repress (put out of one’s consciousness) your grief. Allow yourself to feel the loss. Go through the pain by looking at the pictures at the hospital, the wake and cemetery. Talk to Mom, tell her that it hurts. Tell her everything that you feel and think. Listen to the recording.  Repeat this process until you come into reality that she is really not here anymore. (I have not reach this point yet)

I have a weird way of grieving.
1. I started sleeping at 8pm everyday and waking up at 4am just like my life in Rm249
2. Every after work on my way home while driving (30 minute drive) I open Mom’s pictures and play my favorite piano background music. This action places me back during the difficult times. Sometimes I cry and come home so sad and then Britta asks me what happens… then we will have great conversation about Papa also.

Things that came to light lately:
1. Mom’s loss is real and I cannot change a thing.
2. I can honor her by being courageous. Strengthening my emotional responses so that I will not become a burden to my surroundings.
3. Being courageous means that I will look at today’s task/burden and a little bit of my future. 
4. I will continue to live a full life to show Mom and Dad that the seed that they planted is in some way growing to the fullest of what it can be.

Sometimes I’m silent in the FB Messenger, it’s my nature…you all can see if I read your comments.  Most of the time, silent is yes for me.

I love you all.  May our family continue to be loving forever.  Please don’t hesitate to share any problems/setbacks that you are experiencing. Te, if you need anything, please let us know.

Dongding