MindMap-Writing With Flair

MindMap-Writing With Flair
Author: Shani Raja

Elements of Writing

  1. Simplicity
  2. Clarity
  3. Elegance

Good writing

  1. Clear in its expression
  2. Writing flows
  3. Capturing interest

Bad writing

  1. Boring
  2. Does not capture your imagination
  3. Ambiguity
  4. Clunky

4 Reasons for writing

  1. Inform
  2. Entertain
  3. Persuade
  4. Inspire

Mindset of Elite writer

  1. Think deeply of the word you are writing
  2. Have a very strong intention on how to connect to your audience [values, beliefs and perception]
  3. Keep it real.  Be real and genuine.  Aim is to communicate not to impress. Cut out over the top word
  4. Your presentation should be sleek. Consistency of punctuation, uppercase, quotation marks, commas. Attention to details.

Secret source of flair [distinctive/stylish]

  1. Simplicity
  2. Clarity
  3. Elegance

Rules

  1. Never repeat ideas if not needed
  2. Clash of principles, choose

The Secret Sauce of Flair

  1. Think deeply about every single word
  2. Have a strong intention to connect with your audience
  3. Keep it real
  4. Be slick with the presentation
  5. The secret sauce is simplicity, clarity and elegance
  6. Be flexible with the principles


SIMPLICITY

Simplicity: How to be economical about your work

  1. Use shorter words. Never use a long word when you can use a short word.
    Use “use” instead of utilize
    Use “get” instead of obtain
    Use “about” instead of approximately
    Use “show” instead of demonstrate
    Use “buy” instead of acquire
  2. Use longer word only when it is necessary
  3. Break the short word rule to show distinction
  4. Any word that can go, must go
  5. Less is really is more
  6. Aim to create the strongest mental picture
  7. Avoid “which is”
  8. Use fewer words whenever feasible
  9. Use every single word in a consistent way

Repetitions

  1. Repeating a point, avoid it
  2. Duplication is a bad look in writing
  3. Avoid “as I mentioned” unless it is really needed for emphasis
  4. Make a point clearly
  5. Ruthlessly delete any ideas that are repeated
  6. Aim to make a unique point in every sentence

Overcomplicating Things

  1. Writer overcomplicate things
  2. Simplify things as much as possible
  3. Avoid double negative.
    Ex, He was not certain that he wouldn’t make a mess of it.
    Correct: He thought he might make a mess of it.
    Ex. It wasn’t that John didn’t care about Jenny. He just didn’t love her.
    Correct: John care about Jenny but didn’t love her.
  4. Double negative gives the reader unnecessary strain
  5. Don’t give the reader an extra step to get to the point. It produces a painful experience
  6. Don’t multiply entities beyond necessities. Tagging to words that makes it longer
  7. Simplify an overly complex sentence

Ex: It is the Singapore-based company’s first Australian deal since investing in gourmet food concept store chain Jones The Grocer
Correct: It is the Singapore-based company’s first Australian deal since investing in gourmet chain Jones the Grocer
Ex: Kevin Rudd became the leader of the Commonwealth of Australia.
Correct: Kevin Rudd became Australia’s leader

  1. Simplify individual words
    Ex: toward instead of towards, profit instead of profits
  2. Steer clear of unnecessary words
  3. Avoid bloated words, cut it all down
  4. Don’t make simple points sound more complex than they are
  5. Don’t force reader to unwind what you’ve said
  6. Make reading your work as painless as possible

Plainer is Better

  1. Aim to keep your writing as plain and familiar-sounding as possible

Too Much Information

  1. Be acutely sensitive to what your audience cares about
  2. Know when to cut off the information tap

Redundant Words

  1. Avoid weak words that don’t say much
  2. Avoid redundant words that don’t say anything
  3. Avoid hedging words that sap authority

Overstretching Words

  1. Be aware of sentences that go on too long
  2. Avoid too many sub clauses
  3. Break up sentences and play around with word order to eliminate them

Active vs Passive

  1. Prefer active to passive sentences
  2. Active sentences make comprehension quicker
  3. Active sentences help pictures for more quickly

Reversing into Sentences

  1. Avoid backing into sentences
  2. Backing into sentences slows down comprehension
  3. An exception is where reversing in helps vary the rhythm

Unnecessary Ceremony

  1. Remove pointless capital letters
  2. Say what you want to say without embellishment


CLARITY

Fuzzy Thinking

  1. Bad writing often stems from fuzzy thinking
  2. First get clear of what you are trying to say
  3. Prevent the reader’s mind going blank
  4. Spell things out, don’t force readers to make inferences

Jargon

  1. Strike out anything that smells of jargon
  2. Avoid excessive abstraction
  3. Shun clichés or common phrases that come quickly to mind

Ambiguity

  1. Ambiguity is one of the biggest killers of comprehension
  2. Fix any sentence where more than one interpretation is possible

Crisp Distinction

  1. Make abundantly clear what you are comparing
  2. Use punctuation to help sharpen comparison

Removing Clutter

  1. Convert official language into layman’s terms
  2. Move down anything that doesn’t need to be said immediately

Mixing Tenses

  1. Smoot out all conflicting time elements

Misplaced Modifiers

  1. Pay special attention to words that modify other words
  2. Don’t just throw modifier down; place them carefully

Curly Sentences

  1. Untangle sentences to the furthest extent possible
  2. Don’t force readers to do mental gymnastics

This and That

  1. Be specific about what ‘this’ and ‘that’ are
  2. ‘This’ and ‘these’ are better for something coming; ‘that’ and ‘those’ are better for referring back
  3. Consider deleting ‘that’ where possible

“It” vs “They”

  1. Prefer to use ‘it’ for entities
  2. Be consistent with singular and plural reference


ELEGANCE

House Style

  1. Establish syntax and format rules that define your brand
  2. Consistency in style makes writing look more professional and authoritative

Unsightly Widows

  1. Avoid stray words at the end of paragraphs that create imbalance

Pristine Paragraphs

  1. Neat paragraphs reflect clear thinking
  2. Have an organizing principle behind switching to a new paragraph
  3. Don’t create paragraphs of massively varying size

Word Echos

  1. Try not to repeat a substantive word in the same sentence
  2. Repeating a word in close proximity can look lazy

Alternative Words

  1. Keep alternatives handy for often-repeated words
  2. At the very least, leave as much distance between alternatives as possible

Parallel Ideas

  1. Keep ideas parallel to avoid a jarring effect
  2. Be especially sensitive to qualitative differences between ideas

Narrative Elegance

  1. View your writing as blocks of ideas
  2. Organize the blocks in the most elegant order
  3. Arrange the points within each block logically

 

Writing With Flair
How To Become An Exceptional Writer
Elite Writing Checklist

✓ Do I use simple, familiar words throughout?
✓ Have I eliminated all jargon and clichés, hedging?
✓ Have I avoided repeating words, points?
✓ Have I gone into too much detail anywhere?
✓ Have I avoided ambiguity?
✓ Do I avoid making simple points sound complicated?
✓ Are all my distinctions/comparisons crisp?
✓ Can I cut out any more words?
✓ Are any sentences too long, or contain too many sub-clauses?
✓ Do I use the active voice?
✓ Do I avoid reversing into sentences?
✓ Are my tenses consistent?
✓ Do I avoid word echoes?
✓ Does my writing reflect clear, logical thinking?
✓ Will a reader be forced to reread anything?
✓ Have I removed all the unnecessary clutter?
✓ Have I got to the point immediately?
✓ Do I have a logical narrative structure?
Elite Writer’s
Checklist
✓ Do I steer the reader through my narrative?
✓ Are all ideas within a sentence neatly ordered?
✓ Are my paragraphs suitably arranged?

 

Mindmap-Wisdom Checklist

Mindmap-Wisdom Checklist

  • Wisdom/Intelligence
    • Wisdom is the ability to apply knowledge, experience, understanding or common sense and insight
    • Intelligence is the ability to comprehend; to understand and profit from experience
  • Wisdom from above
    • pure
    • peace-loving
    • gentle
    • open to reason
    • full of mercy and good fruits
    • impartial
    • sincere
    • be pure, be peace-loving, be open to reason, be full of mercy, be impartial, be sincere
  • Wisdom from somewhere else
    • jealousy
    • selfish ambition
    • boastful
    • untruthful
    • earthly
    • demonic
    • disorder
    • morally reprehensible 

      delete jealousy, delete selfish ambition, delete boasting, delete being untruthful/dishonest, delete being so earthly/worldly, delete being demonic, delete disorder, delete being morally reprehensible [vicious]

Mindmap-WinningWithAccountability

Mindmap-WinningWithAccountability

  • Assessment
    • My Organization’s Language: We use very specific deadlines when discussing upcoming work.

      My Organization’s Language: We are clear about what outcomes we are working to create.

      My Organization’s Language: Roles and responsibilities are clearly defined when we assign tasks

      My Organization’s Behavior: Our Team members deliver projects exactly as they had been requested (deliverable).

      My Organization’s Behavior: Our team delivers “on time, every time” in the eyes of our internal and external customers.

      My Organization’s Behavior: Our team members take responsibility for their own outcomes and performance.

      My Influence: I give constructive input to my teammates in an emotionally intelligent way, even if it may be tough for them to hear.

      My Influence: I receive “first hand” constructive input from my teammates when I have failed to meet their expectations.

      My Influence: I participate in meetings and other interactions where I may influence the mood and commitment of other people.

  • Performance Management Process
    • Strategic Plan
      • Vision
      • Mission
      • Goals
      • Core Values
    • Planning
      • Position Planning
      • Settin performance standards
    • Managing
      • Team communication
      • Day-to-day feedback and recognition
      • Analysis of behavior
      • Feedback coaching
      • Investigative coaching
      • Performance coaching
      • Disciplinary action
    • Evaluation and Goal Setting
      • Assessment of job performance
      • Setting employee strategic goals
      • Setting personal development goals(work related)
      • Performance improvement plans/goals
      • Holding employees accountable
  • Advantages of Frontloading Accountability by Setting Goals and Expectations
    • Performance increases.
    • Resources better allocated when everyone knows their role.
    • Job satisfaction increases.
    • Trust grows and relationships are strengthened.
    • Outcomes improve qualitatively and quantitatively.
  • How Everything Fits Together
    • PLAN-Establish priorities and goals linked to vision and mission. Establish department, unit and discipline goals linked to college priorities.

      EXECUTE-Deliver programs and services.

      ASSESS-Assess goal achievement.

      REFLECT-Analyze and use results to plan further improvements. Make changes as required.

  • The Secret of Successful Organizations
    • Install accountability on the front end to
    • Nurture better relationships
    • Eliminate surprises
    • Increase job satisfaction and job performance
    • Improve productivity and effectiveness
  • Functional Competencies
    • Competency is behavior/skill required for success.
    • Functional competency is behavior/skill related to job type or department.
    • Competency establishes expected behavior/skill level.
  • Personal Development Goals
    • Enhance knowledge, skills, abilities and behaviors.

      Improve work performance in current role.

      Enhance ability to compete for future opportunities.

      Aligned with a competency or a core value.

      Improvements result from reading, taking classes, attending seminars, hands-on practice, project or task team work.

  • The Power of Intention
    • Focus on helping individual perform at a higher level.
    • Focus on helping the individual succeed.
    • Remember the role of the coach is to help the individual and the team succeed!
  • Clear Expectations
    • Paint a picture.
    • Are measureable.
    • Clearly understood by receiver and sender of request.
    • Replace ambiguity with specificity.
  • Getting Specific
    • Date and time specificity creates clarity.
    • Deadline is when work is due.
    • Timeline is when the work will get done.
    • Timeline is more important than deadline.
    • Time management is critical.
    • Include relevant information and details.
    • Paint the picture of the outcome.
  • Ensuring Clear Expectations
    • Determine if individual can reflect the essence of what you said.
    • Ask “How do you interpret what I just said?”
    • Ask “What does this look like to you when it is done?”
    • Clear Expectations PRACTICE ACTIVITY
  • Definition of Accountability- Moving Strategy to Reality
    • Willingness to accept responsibility for one’s actions
    • Commitments that “in the eyes of others” have been kept.
    • Continually asking “How am I doing?”
    • Sender and receiver provide crystal clear expectations. Both are responsible.
    • About high performance not fear or stress.
  • Creating Accountability
    • Clear expectation
    • Getting specific
    • Establishing ownership
    • Going public
  • Follow Up Techniques for Enhanced Accountability
    • Schedule tasks/actions as meetings on your calendar and commit to them like other meetings.
    • Use calendar tool in Windows to document dates to check in or track progress.
    • Review the timeline periodically to ensure it is still reasonable.
    • Share accountability by checking in and encouraging/coaching between milestones.
    • Develop relationships.
    • Use the language of specificity.
  • Something to Think About
    • Start a crusade in your organization-Have the courage to learn, the vision to lead and the passion to share.
  • Unit Plans
    • Goals
    • Outcomes/Objectives
    • Measures and Findings
  • Strategic Goals
    • Aligned to support the strategic plan.
    • Based on the goals of the department /work group.
    • Specific tasks and activities.
  • Setting Goals
    • Descriptive title
    • Identify results
    • Include measurement criteria to determine successful completion
    • Date expected to be completed
    • Indicate which competency, core value or strategic goal it supports
  • Clear Expectations Through SMARTER Goals
    • S-Specific-break down into specific pieces

      M-Measureable-quantitative or qualitative way to identify change or improvement

      A-Attainable-resources, materials, skills, time available

      R-Results Oriented and move us closer to the outcome or goal. Aligned with the strategic plan. Describes what the process or service will look like and/or how the customer will be impacted after the goal is complete.

      T-Trackable and Time-oriented-set milestones/follow up dates and expected completion date

      E-Ethical-Legal, moral and in alignment with core values

      R-Recorded-Record or persons should be in place from which/whom the employee may seek guidance.

  • Establishing Ownership
    • Each task has one owner.
    • Buck stops with project owner (manager) even if you delegate every task.
    • Model ownership yourself.
    • Competency first, bandwidth(time) second.
  • Going Public/Sharing Accountability
    • Accountability begins when someone else knows about task.
    • Establish accountability partner to check-in.
    • Accountability goes upstream and downstream.
    • Go first and share your commitments with others downstream.
    • Communicate the truth (with tact and diplomacy!) upstream.
    • Accountability builds relationships. Develop relationship capital in good and bad times.
  • The Manager’s Role in Accountability
    • Frontload expectations with clear expectations, clear dates/times, clear ownership and shared understanding.

      Use your power to focus on the solution (reverse a negative direction).

      Look in the mirror and self-evaluate.

      Align thoughts and feelings with desired outcomes/goals.

      Model what you wish to achieve.

  • What to Ask When Things Go Wrong
    • Did I communicate clear expectations?
    • Did I include the right people in initial discussions?
    • What could I have done better?
    • Continuous Improvement PRACTICE ACTIVITY
  • Next Steps
    • Develop list of preliminary goals for yourself (without detail today-add detail when get back to office)

      Develop goals with your team/team members.

      Review your calendar-How did recent commitments compare to language of specificity?

      Make corrections where specificity is lacking-add missing information and details; paint the picture of a successful outcome.

      Share your commitments so others can hold you accountable.

      Model accountability with others.

  • About The Book
    • Title: Winning With Accountability
    • Author: Henry J. Evans
    • Chapters: 8
    • Pages: 96
    • ISBN: 978-0981924205

MindMap-TRIZ Problem Solving Method

MindMap-TRIZ Problem Solving Method

  • A. IDENTIFY AND DOCUMENT THE PROBLEM
    • Describe the system:
      • System name
      • Structure
      • Function
      • Environment
    • Describe the problem:
      • Problem name
      • Mechanism causing the problem
      • Undesired consequences of the problem
      • Problem history
      • Other systems with similar problems
      • Alternatives
    • Ideal vision
    • Available resources
    • Available changes (limitation)
    • Criteria for solution acceptance
    • Project data and business environment
  • B. PROBLEM FORMULATION
    • Build the graphical description of the problem (diagram)
    • Formulate directions
  • C. PRIORITIZE DIRECTIONS
    • Set priorities of action item
  • D. DEVELOP CONCEPTS
    • Generate ideas with system operators
    • Combine ideas into concepts
  • E. EVALUATE RESULTS
    • Identify and solve secondary problems
    • Predict and eliminate potential failure (use IFP)
    • IFA- Inventive Failure Analysis:
      • Invert the problem,
      • Amplify inverted problem
      • Search for solutions
      • Formulate hypothesis and task for their verification
      • Correct the failure
    • Use IFP-Ideation Failure Prediction
      • 1. Invert the problem
      • 2. Create Ideal Scenarios
      • 3. Generate Failure Screnarios
      • 4. Prevent Failures
  • Compiled By:
    • Rigel Arcayan
    • blindcaveman.wordpress.com

MindMap-ReliabilityHandbook

MindMap-ReliabilityHandbook

  • Basic Reliability Concept
    • Goal
      • MTBF=Long
      • MTTR=Short
      • MTR=Short
      • MTBI=Less
    • Reliability Program Plan
      • Immediate issues
      • Reactive reliability engineering
        • Overall process
        • Reliability engineering metrics with examples
        • Fault vs. failure
        • Pareto plot
        • Uptime and Availability
        • MTBF, MTBA, MTBI
        • MTTR, MTR
    • Design For Reliability Process
      • 1. Initial Design
      • 2. Developmental Testing: Failure Mode Discovery
        • 2.1. Root Cause Analysis
        • 2.2. Development of Corrective Actions
        • 2.3. Corrective Action Review and Approval
        • 2.4. Assignment of Fix Effectiveness Factors
        • 2.5. Verification of Corrective Actions
      • 3. Final Design: Meets Requirement
      • 4. Demonstration Testing
    • Reliability Life Cycle
      • 1. Reliability Specification
      • 2. Reliability Design
      • 3. Reliability Verification
      • 4. Reliability Maintenance
      • 5. Reliability Audit
      • NOTE: Cannot effectively “Test-in” reliability on Step 5. Too late.
    • Phases of Reliability Process
      • Phase1: Set Reliability Goals
        • Establish reliability goals, such as “X” Reliability at “Y%” confidence after “N” operations or time on “Z” performance parameter for the product.

          Risk Mitigation planning – QFD / FMEA

          Reliability Metrics: generate quantitative, measurable failure definitions

          Operating environments: define the operating environment that encourages a failure event.

          In General, 65% of Life Cycle Cost is Fixed at This Stage

      • Phase2: Develop System Models
        • Identify the reliability system elements (subsystem & components)

          Construct a block diagram for each system element

          Identify critical components and failure potentials within each system element (i.e. the x’s)

          Allocate the reliability metrics to the lowest level

          Benchmark the current design with this model.

          Determine acceleration or deceleration (mitigation) factors (i.e.temperature, loads, cycles, etc.)

          Identify potential improvements to reliability, cost, features based on the analysis. Assess tradeoffs associated with each.

          System Modeling

      • Phase3: Design Product for Reliability
        • Apply robust design simulation tools
        • Determine Key Control Parameters (KCP’s) and Key Noise Parameters(KNP’s).
        • Map reliability requirements to critical performance or process elements
        • Use tools analytically & experimentally on the KCP’s & KNP’s
        • Conduct life predictions through reliability modeling.
        • Develop risk mitigation plans, including analysis of service and warranty issues.
        • In General, 85% of Life Cycle Cost is Fixed at This Stage
      • Phase4: Perform Reliability Verification
        • Develop reliability test strategies
          • Internal
            • – short term
            • – long term
          • External (Field tests, Beta sites, etc.)
            • – short term
            • – long term
          • Accelerated Testing
            • – HALT/ HASS
            • – failure mode testing ( Address FMEA/FTA concerns)
          • Compliance (Safety) Testing
            • – agencies
            • – customers
        • In General, 95% of Life Cycle Cost is Fixed at This Stage
      • Phase5: Implement Production and Field Reliability Systems
        • Establish Audit Program
        • Process verification
        • Product verification
        • Establish FRACAS a system
        • Correlate field data with all test results
        • Identify means for collecting continuous data (not just failure data).
        • In General, 98% of Life Cycle Cost is Fixed at This Stage
      • NOTE: Design for Reliability Should be Integrated into the Design Process
    • Legacy Product Reliability Growth Process
      • Phase1: Review Historical Data
        • Review historical endurance data
        • Review field RMAs
        • Review customer environment & application
      • Phase2: Analyze Field & In-house Endurance Test Data
        • Develop product Fault Tree Analysis
        • Identify and pareto observed failure modes
      • Phase3: Develop Reliability Profile & Goals
        • Develop P-Diagram and System Block Diagram
        • Generate Reliability plots for operational endurance
        • Allocate reliability goals to key subsystems
        • Identify reliability gaps between existing product & goals for each subsystem
      • Phase4: Develop & Execute Reliability Growth Plan
        • Determine root cause for all identified failures
        • Redesign process or parts to address failure mode pareto
        • Validate reliability improvement through accelerated life testing & field betas
        • Allocate key part and subassembly CTQs to suppliers
      • Phase5: Institute Reliability Validation Program
        • Implement design and process firewalls & sensors to hold design robustness
        • Develop and implement long-term reliability validation audit
    • 12 Steps: Creating FMECA
      • 1. Learn about the system
        • Know about the system
        • Understand the system
        • Identify key characteristics of the system
        • Identify key subsystem, components
      • 2. Set the level of the analysis
        • be aware that FMECA is a bottom up technique of problem solving
        • define the scope of the system to study
        • ask the following questions:
          • how components can fail?
          • what are the causes of failure
      • 3. Describe the desired functions
        • Know the function of the system
        • Know the purpose of the system
      • 4. Review and rationalise the functions
      • 5. List all potential failure modes
      • 6. Review and rationalise failure modes against functions
      • 7. Describe the potential effects of each failure
      • 8. Describe the potential causes of each failure
      • 9. Describe the current controls
      • 10.Assess criticality
      • 11.Take corrective action
      • 12.Standardise the actions taken
  • Reliability Definitions
    • Fault: anything that has gone wrong
    • Failure: an equipment problem
    • All failures are faults
      • Examples:
        • 1. If a transport system stops due to particles that are normal to the process, then it is a failure (and a fault).

          2. a wrench left inside the equipment, then it’s a fault but not a failure.

    • All time: either “uptime” or “downtime”
    • Uptime: either operating or idle time
      • Uptime (hours) « availability (%)
    • Downtime: either PM, or Unscheduled Maintenance (Repairs)
    • MTTR (mean time to repair) applies to PM and to UM
    • Equipment Availability
      • The probability that the equipment will be in a condition to perform its intended function
    • Total Time
      • Operation Time
        • Uptime
          • Manufacturing Time
            • Productive Time
            • Standby Time
        • Downtime
          • Unscheduled Down Time
          • Scheduled Down Time
    • Assist: an unplanned interruption where
      • Externally resumed (human operator or host computer), and
      • No replacement of parts, other than specified consumables, and
      • No further variation from specifications of equipment operation
    • Machine Availability
      • Specification: Availability >85%
      • Typical performance: 90%
    • Failure: unplanned interruption that is not an assist
    • # of interrupts = # of assists + # of failures
    • MTBF: Mean Time Between Failures [hours]
    • MTBA: Mean Time Between Assist
    • MTBI: Mean Time Between Interrups
    • MTBF = Interval / (number of failures)
    • MTBA = Interval / (number of assists)
    • MTBI = Interval / (number of interrupts)
    • MTTR: Mean Time To Repair
      • The average elapsed time (not person hours) to correct a failure and return the equipment to a condition where it can perform its intended function, including equipment test time and process test time (but not maintenance delay).
    • MTR: Mean Time to Restore
      • Includes maintenance delays
    • Reliability Engineering Metrics
      • Fault vs. failure: all failures are faults
      • Pareto plot: location and function, sample size of several
      • Uptime and Availability: time is up or down
      • MTBF, MTBA, MTBI: I = F + A
      • MTTR, MTR: working time vs. clock time
    • DFMEA: Design Failure Mode and Effect Analysis
    • DFR: Design for Reliability
    • HALT: Highly Accelerated Life Testing
      • Stress levels are increased as far as failures occur.

        Therefore this method is considered as a qualitative accelerated test method.

        The purpose is to support DFMEA for complex design where traditional brainstorming is not sufficient and there is a risk that existing design guidelines do not cover new technology and/or features under design verification

    • HASS: Highly Accelerated Stress Testing
      • PoF and HALT techniques are employed to expedite the time between any potential failures and corrective actions
    • OPE: Operational Test and Evaluation
    • PoF: Physics of Failure
      • Physics of Failure (PoF) analyses provide a science-based approach to reliability that utilizes modeling and simulation to design-in reliability. The analyses use computer-aided design tools to model the root causes of failures such as fatigue, fracture, wear and corrosion. The basic approach involves the following:
        • 1. Identifying potential failure mechanisms (chemical, electrical, physical, mechanical, structural or thermal processes leading to failures); failure sites; and failure modes even before formal testing is complete.

          2. Identifying the appropriate failure models and their input parameters, such as material characteristics, damage properties, manufacturing flaw and defects, etc.

          3. Determining where variability exists with respect to each design parameter.

          4. Computing the effective reliability function.

          5. Accepting the current design or proposed design with new corrective action, if the estimated reliability exceeds the goal over the simulated time period.

          6. Proactively incorporating reliability into the design process by establishing a scientific basis for evaluating new materials, structures, and electronics technologies.

          7. Using generic failure models, where appropriate, that are as effective for new materials and structures as they are for existing designs.

          8. Encouraging innovative, cost-effective design through the use of realistic reliability assessment

    • LIRP: Low Rate Initial Production
      • Level of Maturity
    • RCA: Root Cause Analysis
      • purpose of the root cause analysis is to find the exact reason why the item failed
    • QALT: Quantitative Accelerated Lifetime Testing
    • RBD: Reliability Block Diagram
      • models are often used to describe the relationship between the system components in order to determine the reliability of the system as a whole
    • IFR: Instantaneous Failure Rate
      • hazard rate
    • V&V Verification and Validation
    • FMEA: Failure Mode and Effect Analysis
      • 1. a failure modes and effects analysis (FMEA) is a procedure in operations management for analysis of potential failure modes within a system,

        2. conducted to classify the failure modes by severity or determine of the effect of failures on the system.

        3. provides an analytical approach when dealing with potential failure modes and their associated causes.

        4. identification of potential failure modes and causes provides engineers with the information needed to alter the development/manufacturing process in order to optimize the tradeoffs between

        • 1. safety
        • 2. cost
        • 3. performance
        • 4. quality
        • 5. reliability.

        5. provides an easy tool to determine which risk has the greatest concern, and thereby what action is needed to prevent a problem before it arises.

        6. provides development of robust process specifications to ensure the end product will meet the predefined reliability requirements

    • FMECA: Failure Mode and Effect Criticality Analysis
      • 1. is an extension of the FMEA.

        2. FMECA is a reliability evaluation and design review technique that examines the potential failure modes within a system or lower piece-part/component level, in order to determine the effects of component level failures on total equipment or system level performance.

        3. Each hardware or software failure mode is classified according to its impact on system operation success and personnel safety.

        4. FMECA uses inductive logic (a process of finding explanations) on a “bottom up” system hierarchy and traces up through the system hierarchy to determine the end effect on system performance.

        5. Maximum benefits are seen when FMECA is conducted early in the design cycle rather than after the design is finalized.

        Inputs. The FMEA/FMECA requires the following basic inputs:

        • 1. Item(s)
        • 2. Function(s)
        • 3. Failure (s)
        • 4. Effect(s) of Failure
        • 5. Cause(s) of Failure
        • 6. Current Control(s)
        • 7. Recommended Action(s)

        RPN: Risk Priority Number

        • 1. Rate the severity of each effect of failure.

          2. Rate the likelihood of occurrence for each cause of failure.

          3. Rate the likelihood of prior detection for each cause of failure (i.e. the likelihood of detecting the problem before it reaches the end user or customer).

          4. Calculate the RPN by obtaining the product of the three ratings:

          RPN = Severity x Occurrence x Detection

        FMECA Process Checlist

        • 1. Is the system definition/description provided compatible with the system specification? Inaccurate documentation may result in incorrect analysis conclusions

          2. Are ground rules clearly stated? These include approach, failure definition, acceptable degradation limits, level of analysis, clear description of failure causes, etc.

          3. Are block diagrams provided showing functional dependencies at all equipment piece-part levels? This diagram should graphically show what items (parts, circuit cards, subsystems, etc.) are required for the successful operation of the next higher assembly

          4. Does the failure effect analysis start at the lowest hardware level and systematically work to higher piece part levels? The analysis should start at the lowest level appropriate to make design changes (e.g. part, circuit card, subsystem, etc.)

          5. Are failure mode data sources fully described? Specifically identify data sources, including relevant data from similar systems

          6. Are detailed FMECA worksheets provided? Do the worksheets clearly track from lower to higher hardware levels? Do the worksheets clearly correspond to the block diagrams? Do the worksheets provide an adequate scope of analysis? Worksheets should provide an item name, piece-part code/number, item function, list of item failure modes, effect on next higher assembly and system for each failuremode, and a critically ranking. In addition, worksheets should account for multiple failure piece-part levels for catastrophic and critical failures.

          7. Are failure severity classes provided? Are specific failure definitions established? Typical classes are (see MIL-STD-882D for details): Catastrophic (life/death) Critical (mission loss) Marginal (mission degradation) Minor (maintenance/repair)

          8. Are results timely? Analysis must be performed early during the design phase not after the fact

          9. Are results clearly summarized and comprehensive recommendations provided? Actions for risk reduction of single point failures, critical items, areas needing built-in test (BIT), etc.

          10. Are the results being communicated to enhance other program decisions? Critical parts, reliability prediction, derating, fault tolerance

        Quantitative Criticality Analysis Method.

        • Define the reliability/unreliability for each item, at a given operating time.

          Identify the portion of the item‟s unreliability that can be attributed to each potential failure mode.

          Rate the probability of loss (or severity) that will result from each failure mode that may occur.

          • Calculate the criticality for each potential failure mode by obtaining the product of the three factors:

          Mode Criticality = Item Unreliability x Mode Ratio of Unreliability x Probability of Loss

          • Calculate the criticality for each item by obtaining the sum of the criticalities for each failure mode that has been identified for the item.

          Item Criticality = SUM of Mode Criticalities

        Qualitative Criticality Analysis Method.

        • Rate the severity of the potential effects of failure.

          Rate the likelihood of occurrence for each potential failure mode.

          Compare failure modes via a Criticality Matrix, which identifies severity on the horizontal axis and occurrence on the vertical axis.

        Software FMECA

        • 1. Break the software into logical components, such as functions or tasks

          2. Determine potential failure modes for each component

          • (e.g., “software fails to respond” or “software responds with wrong value”)

          3. Using a failure mode table, use the failure modes to fill in the Software FMECA worksheet

          4. Determine all possible causes for each failure mode

          • (e.g. “logic omitted/implemented incorrectly”, “incorrect coding of algorithm”, “incorrect manipulation of data”, etc),

          5. Determine the effects of each failure mode at progressively higher levels (assume inputs to the software are good)

          6. Assign failure rates; occurrence, severity and detectability values; and calculate the Risk Priority Number (RPN)

          7. Identify all corrective actions (CAs) that should be, or have been, implemented, plus all open item

          sFMECA Table

          • Index No
          • Unit
          • Function
          • Failure Mode
          • Possible Failure Causes
          • Effects on
            • Unit
            • SubSystem
            • System
          • Fail Rate
          • Occurence
          • Severity
          • RPN
    • FTA: Fault Tree Analysis
      • 1. systematic methodology for defining a specific undesirable event (normally a mission failure) and determining all the possible reasons that could cause the event to occur

        2. logical, top-down method aimed at analyzing the effects of initiating faults and events upon a complex system

        3. utilizes a block diagram approach that displays the state of the system in terms of the states of its components.

        4. tasks are typically assigned to engineers having a good understanding of the interoperability of the system and subsystem level components

        5. The top level events in the Fault Tree are typically mission essential functions (MEFs) of the system, which should be defined in the system‟s Failure Definition / Scoring Criteria (FD/SC).

        6. If a component failure results in a loss of one of these mission essential functions, then that failure would be classified as an Operation Mission Failure (OMF), System Abort (SA) failure,

        7. The idea behind the Fault Tree is to break down each one of the MEFs further and further until all failure causes of components and subcomponents are captured.

        FTA Software

        • Fault Tree Analysis for Systems Containing Software.
          • To be most effective, a system-level FTA must consider software, hardware, interfaces and human interactions.

            Top-level undesired events may be derived from:

            • 1. Engineering judgment based on what the system should ultimately not do
            • 2. Problems known from previous experience, or from historical “clue lists”
            • 3. Outputs of a FMEA – or a FMECA
            • 4. Information from a Preliminary Hazard Analysis
        • The basic steps for performing a FTA for software (same as for hardware) are as follows:
          • 1. Definition of the problem
          • 2. Analysis Approach
            • a. Identify the top-level event
            • b. Develop the fault tree
            • c. Analyze the fault tree
          • i. Delineate the minimum cut set
          • ii. Determine the reliability of the top-level event
          • iii. Review analysis output
    • FRB: Failure Review Board
    • FPRB: Failure Prevention Review Board
      • 1. The FPRB is chaired by the Program Manager and generally incorporates key members from across several areas of the program development process.

        2. The board reviews and approves each proposed corrective action and determines the effectiveness of the fix by assigning a fix effectiveness factor.

        3. If the corrective action is approved, the fixes are implemented and effectiveness verified.

        4. Should the corrective actions not be approved, the root causes are analyzed to determine improvements or other potential fixes

    • FRACAS: Failure Reporting and Corrective Action System
      • Purpose: closed-loop process whose purpose is to provide a systematic way to
        • 1. report
        • 2. organize
        • 3. analyze failure data
      • Failure Reporting.
        • – Failures and faults that occur during developmental or operational testing or during inspections are reported.

          – The failure report should include

          • 1. identification of the failed item,
          • 2. symptoms of the failure
          • 3. testing conditions,
          • 4. item operating conditions
          • 5. time of the failure.
      • Failure Analysis.
        • – Each reported failure is analyzed to determine the root cause.

          – A FRACAS should have the capability to document the results and conclusions of the root cause analysis.

      • Design Modifications.
        • – Details of the implemented corrective actions for each failure mode should be documented. The precise nature of the design change should be captured as well as date of implementation.
      • Failure Verification.
        • – All reported failures need to be verified as actual failures by repeating the failure or evidence of failure, such as a leak or damaged hardware.

          – This verification needs to be tracked within the FRACAS.

    • FTA Example:
      • Wafer Unable To Move To The Next Step
        • Loss of Wafer Location
          • Wafer Sensor Detection Failed
          • Wafer Sensor Board Failed
        • Loss of Wafer: Wafer Break
          • Actual Wafer Break
          • Partial Wafer Break
    • MEF: Mission Essential Function
    • OMF: Operation Mission Failure
    • SA: System Abort
    • FD: Failure Definition
    • SC: Scoring Criteria
  • Book: Design For Reliability
    • About the Book
      • Title: Design For Relibility
      • Authors: Raheja/Gullo
      • Chapters: 18
      • Pages: 334
    • 1 Design for Reliability Paradigms 1
      • Dev Raheja
      • Why Design for Reliability? 1
        • 1. The science of reliability has not kept pace with user expectations.

          2. Many corporations still use MTBF (mean time between failures) as a measure of reliability, which, depending on the statistical distribution of failure data, implies acceptance of roughly 50 to 70% failures during the time indicated by the MTBF.

          3. No user today can tolerate such a high number of failures. Ideally, a user does not want any failures for the entire expected life!

          4. The life expected is determined by the life inferred by users, such as 100,000 miles or 10 years for an automobile, at least 10 years for kitchen appliances, and at least 20 years for a commercial airliner.

          5. Most commercial companies, such as automotive and medical device manufacturers, have stopped using the MTBF measure and aim at 1 to 10% failures during a self-defined time. This is still not in line with users’ dreams.

          6. The real question is: Why not design for zero failures if we can increase profits and gain more market share? Zero failures implies zero mission-critical failures or zero safety-critical system failures.

          7. As a minimum, systems in which failures can lead to catastrophic consequences must be designed for zero failures.

          8. There are companies that are able to do this. Toyota, Apple, Gillette, Honda, Boeing, Johnson & Johnson, Corning, and Hewlett-Packard are a few examples.

          9. The aim of design for reliability (DFR) is to design-out failures of critical system functions in a system. The number of such failures should be zero for the expected life of the product.

          10. Some components may be allowed to fail, such as in redundant systems

      • Reflections on the Current State of the Art 2
        • 1. Reliability is defined as the probability of performing all the functions (including safety functions) satisfactorily for a specified time and specified use conditions.

          2. The functions and use conditions come from the specification.

          3. If a specification misses or is vague 60% or more of the time, the reliability predictions are of very little value. This is usually the case

          4.The second big issue is: How many failures should be tolerable? Some readers may not agree that we can design for zero critical failures, but the evidence supports the contrary conclusion. We may not be able to prevent failures that we did not foresee, but we can design out all the critical failure modes that we discover during the requirements analysis and in the failure mode and effects analysis (FMEA).

          5. In over 30 years’ experience, I have yet to encounter a failure mode that cannot be designed-out. The cost is usually not an issue if the FMEA is conducted and the improvements are made during the early design stage.

          6. The time specified for critical failures in the reliability definition should be the entire lifetime expected.

      • The Paradigms for Design for Reliability 4
      • Summary 13
      • References 13
    • 2 Reliability Design Tools 15
      • Joseph A. Childs
      • Introduction 15
      • Reliability Tools 19
      • Test Data Analysis 31
      • Summary 34
      • References 35
    • 3 Developing Reliable Software 37
      • Samuel Keene
      • Introduction and Background 37
      • Software Reliability: Definitions and Basic Concepts 40
      • Software Reliability Design Considerations 44
      • Operational Reliability Requires Effective Change Management 48
      • Execution-Time Software Reliability Models 48
      • Software Reliability Prediction Tools Prior to Testing 49
      • References 51
    • 4 Reliability Models 53
      • Louis J. Gullo
      • Introduction 53
      • Reliability Block Diagram: System Modeling 56
      • Example of System Reliability Models Using RBDs 57
      • Reliability Growth Model 60
      • Similarity Analysis and Categories of a Physical Model 60
      • Monte Carlo Models 62
      • Markov Models 62
      • References 64
    • 5 Design Failure Modes, Effects, and Criticality Analysis 67
      • Louis J. Gullo
      • Introduction to FMEA and FMECA 67
      • Design FMECA 68
      • Principles of FMECA-MA 71
      • Design FMECA Approaches 72
      • Example of a Design FMECA Process 74
      • Risk Priority Number 82
      • Final Thoughts 86
      • References 86
    • 6 Process Failure Modes, Effects, and Criticality Analysis 87
      • Joseph A. Childs
      • Introduction 87
      • Principles of P-FMECA 87
      • Use of P-FMECA 88
      • What Is Required Before Starting 90
      • Performing P-FMECA Step by Step 91
      • Improvement Actions 98
      • Reporting Results 100
      • Suggestions for Additional Reading 101
    • 7 FMECA Applied to Software Development 103
      • Robert W. Stoddard
      • Introduction 103
      • Scoping an FMECA for Software Development 104
      • FMECA Steps for Software Development 106
      • Important Notes on Roles and Responsibilities with Software
      • FMECA 116
      • Lessons Learned from Conducting Software FMECA 117
      • Conclusions 119
      • References 120
    • 8 Six Sigma Approach to Requirements Development 121
      • Samuel Keene
      • Early Experiences with Design of Experiments 121
      • Six Sigma Foundations 124
      • The Six Sigma Three-Pronged Initiative 126
      • The RASCI Tool 128
      • Design for Six Sigma 129
      • Requirements Development: The Principal Challenge to System
      • Reliability 130
      • The GQM Tool 131
      • The Mind Mapping Tool 132
      • References 135
    • 9 Human Factors in Reliable Design 137
      • Jack Dixon
      • Human Factors Engineering 137
      • A Design Engineer’s Interest in Human Factors 138
      • Human-Centered Design 138
      • Human Factors Analysis Process 144
      • Human Factors and Risk 150
      • Human Error 150
      • Design for Error Tolerance 153
      • Checklists 154
      • Testing to Validate Human Factors in Design 154
      • References 154
    • 10 Stress Analysis During Design to Eliminate Failures 157
      • Louis J. Gullo
      • Principles of Stress Analysis 157
      • Mechanical Stress Analysis or Durability Analysis 158
      • Finite Element Analysis 158
      • Probabilistic vs. Deterministic Methods and Failures 159
      • How Stress Analysis Aids Design for Reliability 159
      • Derating and Stress Analysis 160
      • Stress vs. Strength Curves 161
      • Software Stress Analysis and Testing 166
      • Structural Reinforcement to Improve Structural
      • Integrity 167
      • References 167
    • 11 Highly Accelerated Life Testing 169
      • Louis J. Gullo
      • Introduction 169
      • Time Compression 173
      • Test Coverage 174
      • Environmental Stresses of HALT 175
      • Sensitivity to Stresses 176
      • Design Margin 178
      • Sample Size 180
      • Conclusions 180
      • Reference 181
    • 12 Design for Extreme Environments 183
      • Steven S. Austin
      • Overview 183
      • Designing for Extreme Environments 183
      • Designing for Cold 184
      • Designing for Heat 186
      • References 191
      • 13 Design for Trustworthiness 193
      • Lawrence Bernstein and C. M. Yuhas
      • Introduction 193
      • Modules and Components 196
      • Politics of Reuse 200
      • Design Principles 201
      • Design Constraints That Make Systems Trustworthy 204
      • Conclusions 210
      • eferences and Notes 211
    • 14 Prognostics and Health Management Capabilities to Improve Reliability 213
      • Louis J. Gullo
      • Introduction 213
      • PHM Is Department of Defense Policy 216
      • Condition-Based Maintenance vs. Time-Based Maintenance 216
      • Monitoring and Reasoning of Failure Precursors 217
      • Monitoring Environmental and Usage Loads for Damage
      • Modeling 218
      • Fault Detection, Fault Isolation, and Prognostics 218
      • Sensors for Automatic Stress Monitoring 220
      • References 221
    • 15 Reliability Management 223
      • Joseph A. Childs
      • Introduction 223
      • Planning, Execution, and Documentation 229
      • Closing the Feedback Loop: Reliability Assessment, Problem Solving, and Growth 232
        • References 233
    • 16 Risk Management, Exception Handling and Change Management 235
      • Jack Dixon
      • Introduction to Risk 235
      • Importance of Risk Management 236
      • Why Many Risks Are Overlooked 237
      • Program Risk 239
      • Design Risk 241
      • Risk Assessment 242
      • Risk Identification 243
      • Risk Estimation 244
      • Risk Evaluation 245
      • Risk Mitigation 247
      • Risk Communication 248
      • Risk and Competitiveness 249
      • Risk Management in the Change Process 249
      • Configuration Management 249
      • References 251
    • 17 Integrating Design for Reliability with Design for Safety 253
      • Brian Moriarty
      • Introduction 253
      • Start of Safety Design 254
      • Reliability in System Safety Design 255
      • Safety Analysis Techniques 255
      • Establishing Safety Assessment Using the Risk Assessment Code
      • Matrix 260
      • Design and Development Process for Detailed Safety Design 261
      • Verification of Design for Safety Includes Reliability 261
      • Examples of Design for Safety with Reliability Data 262
      • Final Thoughts 266
      • References 266
    • 18 Organizational Reliability Capability Assessment 267
      • Louis J. Gullo
      • Introduction 267
      • The Benefits of IEEE 1624-2008 269
      • Organizational Reliability Capability 270
      • Reliability Capability Assessment 271
      • Design Capability and Performability 271
      • IEEE 1624 Scoring Guidelines 276
      • SEI CMMI Scoring Guidelines 277
      • Organizational Reliability Capability Assessment Process 278
      • Advantages of High Reliability 282
      • Conclusions 283
      • References 284
  • Compiled By:
    • Rigel Arcayan
    • blindcaveman.wordpress.com

Mindmap-ProblemSolving

Mindmap-ProblemSolving

  • Tools in Focus
  • Problem Solving Methods
    • Problem Solving Elements
      • problems
      • analysis
      • hypotheses
      • research
      • goals
      • shortcomings
      • improvements
      • options
      • plans
      • criticism
      • results
    • IDEAL
      • Identify Problems and Opportunities
      • Define Alternative Goals
      • Explore Possible Strategies
      • Anticipate and Act
      • Look and Learn
    • Problem Solving Template
      • problems
      • analysis
      • goals
      • plans
    • How to Solve It
      • Understand the problem
      • Make a plan
      • Carry out the plan
      • Look back on your work
  • Problem Solving Tools
    • general tools
      • work backwards
    • creativity tools
      • Morphological Table (Tree)
          • buoyancy
            • helium
            • hydrogen
            • methane
            • hot air
            • vacuum
          • stability
            • ribs
            • vertical frame
            • semi-rigid keel
            • foam filling
          • energy souce
            • kerosene
            • hydrogen
            • solar energy
            • rechargeable battery
      • Modification List
        • combine / separate
        • add / subtract
        • rearrange
        • reverse
        • single / double / multiply
        • hide / show
        • construct / deconstruct
        • maximize / minimize
        • speed up / slow down
        • trust / suspect
        • substitute
        • adapt
        • put to other uses
        • introduce / eliminate
      • Stimulus Analysis
        • Orchestra
        • Internet
        • Sailing Boats
        • Bakery
        • Eagles
        • Painting
        • Trees
        • Furniture
        • Shakespeare
        • Cinema
    • analysis tools
      • Questions: 5W2H
        • what?
        • why?
        • who?
        • where?
        • when?
        • how?
        • how many?
      • SWOT analysis
        • Strengths
        • Weaknesses
        • Opportunities
        • Threat
      • 5 Whys
        • <why? 1st=”” cause=””>
          • <why? 2nd=”” cause=””>
      • top-down analysis
      • Research
        • internet
        • libraries
        • ask experts
    • revision tools
      • shortcomings & improvements
        • shortcomings
        • improvements
      • review
  • Instructions
  • Motivate Yourself
    • quotes
      • Success is the sum of small efforts, repeated day in and day out Robert Collier
      • A candle loses nothing by lighting another candle.
      • Small opportunities are often the beginning of great enterprises. Demosthenes
    • music
    • videos
  • Tool Repository
    • general tools
      • PDCA
        • Plan
        • Do
        • Check
        • Act
      • Eight Disciplines Problem Solving
        • Use a Team
        • Define the Problem
        • Implement and verify Interim Actions
        • Identify and Verify Root Causes
        • Choose and verify Permanent Corrective Actions (PCAs)
        • Implement and validate PCAs
        • Prevent recurrence
        • Congratulate your Team
    • creativity tools
      • SCAMPER
        • S – Substitute
        • C – Combine
        • A – Adapt
        • M – Modify
        • P – Put to another use
        • E – Eliminate
        • R – Reverse
      • Osborn’s Checklist
        • Put to other uses? As it is?… If modified?..

          Adapt? Is there anything else like this? What does this tell you? Is the past comparable?

          Modify? Give it a new angle? Alter the colour, sound, odour, meaning, motion, and shape?

          Magnify? Can anything be added, time, frequency, height, length, strength? Can it be duplicated, multiplied or exaggerated?

          Minify? Can anything be taken away? Made smaller? Lowered? Shortened? Lightened? Omitted? Broken up?

          Substitute? Different ingredients used? Other material? Other processes? Other place? Other approach? Other tone of voice? Someone else?

          Rearrange? Swap components? Alter the pattern, sequence or layout? Change the pace or schedule? Transpose cause and effect?

          Reverse? Opposites? Backwards? Reverse roles? Change shoes? Turn tables? Turn other cheek? Transpose ‘+/-‘?

          Combine? Combine units, purposes, appeals or ideas? A blend, alloy, or an ensemble?

      • Morphological Table (text note table)
    • analysis tools
      • break problem into smaller parts
      • finding patterns
        • choose right perspective
        • spatial structures
        • boxes and their content
        • look for analogies
        • mathematical concepts
        • iterations
        • introduce auxiliary elements
        • use microscopes / macroscopes
        • hidden structures
        • consider ALL information
        • look at opposites
        • consider inversions
        • consider additions / subtractions
        • consider minimizing / maximizing
    • revision tools
      • devil’s advocate
      • write a summary
    • meta-tools
      • develop new tools
    • motivational items
      • quotes
        • A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty. ~ Sir Winston Churchill

          It is amazing what you can accomplish if you do not care who gets the credit. –- Harry Truman

          The dreamers are the saviors of the world. — James Allen

          We are all inventors, each sailing out on a voyage of discovery, guided each by a private chart, of which there is no duplicate. The world is all gates, all opportunities. Ralph Waldo Emerson

MindMap-PDSA Cycle (Plan, Do, Study, Act)

MindMap-PDSA Cycle (Plan, Do, Study, Act)

  • PDSA-Actual
    • Problem Statement
    • Background
    • 5 Why Analysis
    • Countermeasures
    • Implement Countermeasures
  • PLAN
    • 1. Clearly and objectively state the problem
    • 2. Give some background and context so that everyone can gain a common understanding
    • 3. Conduct “5Why” analysis to identify root causes
    • 4. Brainstorm countermeasures and create hypothesis to test them.
  • DO
    • 5. Follow the scientific method to test the hypothesis
    • 6. Change things and if the change is not good, change it again until it is better
    • 7. Rather than waiting for one perfect solution, try many small things that can be done quickly.
    • 8. Gather the facts (data) based on direct observation of the experiment.
  • STUDY
    • 9. Face the facts
    • 10. Reflect carefully on what worked and what did not work with the experiment.
    • 11. In each case, ask “Why?” until there is clear understanding of what was the and what was not
  • ACT
    • 12. If the countermeasures were effective, make the new method a standard that can be audited and maintained.

      13. If the same countermeasure can be applied to the similar problems to benefit others, do so.

      14. Observe the new current condition and set new targets towards the ideal condition, return to Plan

      15. If the countermeasure is not effective, repeat the cycle beginning with the Plan Phase.

  • Compiled By:
    • Rigel Arcayan
    • blindcaveman.wordpress.com

MindMap-OnWritingWell

MindMap-OnWritingWell

  • On Writing Well
  • Chapter 1 – The Transaction
    • Any method that helps people say what they want to say is the right method for them.
  • Chapter 2 – Simplicity
    • Strip every sentence to its cleanest components.
    • Writers must therefore constantly ask: What am I trying to say?
  • Chapter 3 – Clutter
    • Clutter is the laborious phrase that has pushed out the short word that means the same thing.
    • Look for clutter in your writing and pune it ruthlessly.
  • Chapter 4 – Style
    • The point is that you have to strip your writing down before you can build it back up.
    • A writer is obviously at his most natural and relaxed when he writes in the first person.
    • Sell yourself, and your subject will exert its own appeal.
  • Chapter 5 – The Audience
    • You are writing for yourself. Don’t try to visualize the great mass audience.” – p. 27
    • Simplify, prune, and strive for order.” – p. 28
  • Chapter 6 – Words
    • Notice the decisions that other writers make in their choice of words and be finicky about the ones that you select from the vast supply.” – p. 37

      Make a habit of reading what is being written today and what has been written before.

      Writing is learned by imitation.” – p. 37

      Get in the habit of using dictionaries. My favorite for handy use isWebster’s New World

      Dictionary, Second College Edition, . . .” – p. 37

      An excellent guide to these nuances is Webster’s Dictionary of Synonyms.” – p. 37-38

      If all your sentences move at the same plodding gait, which even you recognize as deadly but don’t know how to cure, read them aloud.” – p. 38

  • Chapter 7 – Usage
    • All of this merely confirms what lexicographers have always known: that the laws of usage are relative, bending with the taste of the lawmakers.” – p. 44
  • Chapter 8 – Nonfiction as Literature
    • What I am saying is that I have no patience with the snobbery that accompanies “literature” —

      The snobbery which says that nonfiction is only journalism by another name, and that journalism by and name is a dirty word.” – p. 57

  • Chapter 9 – Unity
    • All writing is ultimately a question of solving a problem.” – p. 59

      Therefore ask yourself some basic questions before you start. For example: “In What capacity am I going to address the reader?” (Reporter? Provider of information? Average man or woman?)

      “What pronoun and tense am I going to use” “What style?” (Impersonal reportorial?

      Personal but formal? Personal and casual?) “What attitude am I going to take toward the material?” (Involved? Detached? Judgmental? Ironic? Amused?)

      “How much do I want to cover?” “What one point do I want to make?”” – p. 62

      Decide what corner of your subject you’re going to bite off, and be content to cover it well and stop.” – p. 63

      As for what point you want to make, every successful piece of nonfiction should leave the reader with one provocative thought that he or she didn’t have before. Not two thoughts, or five — just one.” – p. 63

  • Chapter 10 – The Lead
    • The most important sentence in any article is the first one.” – p. 65

      salvation often lies not in the writer’s style but in some odd fact he was able to discover.”

      you should always collect more material than you will use.” – 69

      look for your material everywhere, not just by reading the obvious sources and

      interviewing the obvious people.” – p. 69

      But narrative is the oldest and most compelling method of holding somone’s attention; every body wants to be told a story. Keep looking for ways to couch your information in narrative form.” – p. 72

  • Chapter 11 – The Ending
    • The perfect ending should take the reader slightly by surprise and yet seem exactly right to him.” – p. 76

      When you’re ready to stop, stop. If you have presented all the facts and made the point you want to make, look for the nearest exit.” – p. 77

      Something that I often do in my own work is to bring my story full circle–to strike at the end an echo of a note that was sounded at the beginning.” – p. 79

  • Chapter 12 – The interview
    • Learn to ask questions that will elicit answers about what is most interesting or vivid. . . ” p. 81

      Never go into an interview without doing whatever homework you can.” – p. 86

      Make a list of likely questions–it wil save you the vast embarrassment of going dry in midinterview.”- p. 86

      Your ethical duty to the person being inteviewed is to present his position accurately.” – p. 89

      But after that your duty is to the reader. He or she deserves the smallest package.” – p. 89

      But becareful where you break the quotation. Do it as soon as you naturally can, so that the reader knows who is talking, but not where it destroys the rhythm or the sense.” – p. 91

  • Chapter 13 – Writing About a Place
    • We don’t want him to describe every ride at Disneyland, or tell us that the Grand Canyon is awesome, or that Venice has canals.

      If one of the rides at Disneyland got stuck, if somebody fell into the awesome Grand Canyon, that would be worth hearing about.” – p. 95

      As a writer you must keep a tight rein on your subjective self–the traveler touched by new sights and sounds and smells–and keep an objective eye on the reader.” – p. 95

      If a phrase comes to you easily, look at it with deep suspicion–it’s probably one of the innumerable cliches that have woven their way so tightly into the fabric of travel writing that it takes a special effort not to use them.” – p. 96

      Eliminate every such fact that is a known attribute. . . Find details that are significant. They may be important to your narrative; they may be unusual, or colorful, or comic, or entertaining. But make sure they are details that do useful work.” – p. 96

  • Chapter 14 – Bits & Pieces
    • Use active verbs unless there is no comfortable way to get around using a passive verb.” – p.108

      Most adverbs are unneccessary. You will clutter your sentence and annoy the reader if you choose a verb that has a precise meaning and then add an adverb that carries the same meaning.” – p. 109

      Most adjectives are also unnecessary. Like adverbs, they are sprinkled into sentences by writers who don’t stop to think that the concept is already in the noun.” – p. 110

      Pune out the small words that qualify how you feel and how you think and what you saw: ‘a bit,’ ‘a little,’ ‘sort of,’ ‘kind of,’ ‘rather,’ ‘quite,’ ‘very,’ ‘too,’ ‘pretty much,’ ‘in a sense,’ and dozens more.

      They dilute both your style and your persuasiveness.” p . 111

      The exclamation point. Don’t use it unless you must to achieve a certain effect.” – p. 112

      The dash is used in two different ways. One is to amplify or justify in the second part of the sentence a thought you have stated in the first part.

      We decided to keep going–it was only 100 miles more and we could get there in time for dinner.’ . . . The other use involves two dashes, which set apart a parenthetical thought within a longer sentence.

      She told me to get in the car- -she had been after me all summer to have a haircut–and we drove silently into town.'” – p.

      Learn to alert the reader as early as possible in a setence to any change in mood from the pervious sentence.” – p. 113

      Your style will obviously be warmer and truer to your personality if you use contractions like

      “I’ll” and “won’t” when they fit comfortably into what you’re writing.” – p. 115

      Don’t overstate.” – p. 115

      If the reader catches you in just one bogus statement that you are trying to pass off as true, everything you write thereafter will be suspect.” – p. 116

      The best solutions simply eliminate “he” and its connotations of male ownership by using other pronouns or by alternating some other component of the sentence.

      “We is a handy replacement for “He”; “our” and “the” can often replace “his.” – p. 119

      Instead of talking about what “the writer” does and the trouble he gets into, I found more places where I could address the writer directly (“You’ll often find . . . “).” – p. 120

      Keep your paragraphis short, especially if you’re writing for a newspaper or a magazine that sets its type in a narrow width.” – p. 120

      Dictated sentences tend to be pompous, sloppy, and redundant.” – p. 121

      Surprisingly often a difficult problem in a sentence can be solved by simply getting rid of it.”- p. 122

      the effortless style is achieved by strenuous effort and rewriting. The nails of grammar and syntax are all in place; the english is as good as the writer can make it, and the total piece has a design that pulls the reader along from start to finish.” – p. 123

      Taste is the instinct to know what works and to avoid what doesn’t.” – p. 125

      The best way to learn to write is to study the work of the men and women whoare doing the kind of writing you want to do.” – p. 127

      Writing that will endure tends to consist of words that are short and strong; words that anesthetize are words of three, four and fivfe syllables, mostly of Latin origin, many of them ending in “ion” and embodying a vague concept.” – p. 129

  • Chapter 15 – Science, Technology and Nature
    • You just can’t assume that your readers know what you assume any boob knows, or that they still remember what was once explained to them.” – p. 133

      Describing how a process works is valuable for two reasons. First, it forces you to make sure you know how it works. Then it forces you to take the reader through the same sequence of ideas and deductions that made the process clear to you.” – p. 133

      imagine science writing as an upside-down pyramid. Start at the bottom with the one fact that a reader must know before he can learn any more.

      The second sentence broadens what was stated first, making the pyramid wider, and the third sentence broadens the second, so that gradually you can move beyond mere fact into significance and speculation. . . ” – p.134

  • Chapter 16 – Business Writing
    • Remember that what yhou write is often the only chance you’ll get to present yourself to someone whose business you want. If what you write is ornate or pompous or fuzzy, that’s how you’ll be perceived.” – p. 156

      be yourself when you write. You will stand out as a real person among the robots. . .” – p.

  • Chapter 17 – Sports
    • [The best sportswriters] avoid the exhausted sysnonyms and strive for freshness elsewhere in constructing a sentence.” – p. 160
  • Chapter 18 – Criticism
    • A distinction should therefore be made between a ‘critic’ and a ‘reviewer.'” – p. 173

      As a reviwer your job is more to report than to make an aesthetic judgment.” – p. 173

      a critic should like–or, better still, love–the medium he is reviewing. The reader deserves

      a lifelong movie buff who will bring along a reservoir of knowledge, passion and prejudice.” -p. 174

      Don’t give away too mujch of the plot. Tell readers just enough to let them decide whether it’s the kind of story they tend to enjoy, but not so much that you will kill their eventual enjoyment.” – p. 174

      use as much specific detail as possible. This avoid dealing in generalities, which, being generalities, mean nothing.” – p. 174

      A final caution is to avoid the ecstatic adjectives that occupy such disproportionate space in every critic’s quiver–words like ‘enthralling’ and ‘luminous.'” – p. 175

  • Chapter 19 – Humor
    • if you’re trying to write humor, almost everything you do is serious.” – p. 187

      The writer must find some comic device–satire, parody, irony, lampoon, nonsense–that he can use to disguise his serious point.” – p. 189

  • Chapter 20 – Writing About Yourself
    • If you’re a writer, give yourself permission to tell us who you are.” – p. 209

      nobody should use it without posting in full view a surgeon general’s warning:

      EXCESSIVE WIRING ABOUT YOURSELF CAN BE HAZARDOUS TO THE HEALTH OF THE WRITER AND THE READER.” – p. 210-211

      To write a good memoir you must become the editor of your own life, imposing on an untidy sprawl of half-remembered events a narrative shape and an organizing idea. Memoir is the art of inventing the truth.” – p. 212

      But the most interesting character in a memoir, we home, will turn out to be the person who wrote it.” – p. 217

  • Chapter 21 – Writing with a Word Processor
    • In short, the word processor can concentrate your mind on the craft of writing, revising and editing–much more powerfully than this has ever been possible, because your words are right in front of you in all their infiinite possibility, waiting to be infinitely reshaped.” – p. 228

      I commend one thought to you as you dip your toe in the computer culture: You are more competent than you think you are.” – p. 232

      Like many writers, I don’t like to write; I like to have written.” – p. 233

      Remember that the two main virtues of writing are clarity and simplicity. Look for clutter and pune it out. Read your sentences aloud. Do they sound like you? If they don’t, fiddle with them until they do.” – p. 234

  • Chapter 22 – Trust Your Material
    • one question you should ask at the start of every article or book is: How strong a presence should you be in your presentation of the facts?” – p. 236

      Trust your material. And when you go forth to gathher that material, trust yourself.” – p. 243

  • Chapter 23 – A Writer’s Decisions
    • Readers can process only one idea at a time, and theey do it in linear sequence. Much of the trouble that writers get into comes from trying to make one sentence do too much work. Never be afraid to break a long sentence into two short ones, or even three.” – p. 246

      Don’t give readers of a magazine piece more inormation than they require; if you want to tell more, write a book or write for a scholarly journal.’ – p. 247

      Readers should always feel that you know more about your subject than you’ve put into writing.” – p. 253

  • Chapter 24 – Write as Well as You Can
    • You must find some way to elevate your act of writing into an entertainment. Usually this means giving the reader an enjoyable surprise. Any number of methods will do the job; humor, anecdote, paradox, an unexpected quotation, a powerful fact, an outlandish detail, a circuitous approach, an elegant arrangement of words. These seeming amusements in fact become your ‘style.'” – p. 267

      You will only write as well as you make yourself write.” – . 273

MindMap-Notes-VisualMeeting

MindMap-Notes-VisualMeeting

  • Core Idea
    • Imagine
      • Imagine the problem to solve
      • Explore the pattern
      • Store chunks of information
      • Find the pattern
    • Vision
      • Listen
      • Visualize
      • See
      • Talk
    • Values
    • Action
    • Results
  • Meetings
    • Purpose of Meeting
      • Launch a team
      • Make decision
      • Track/Guide progress
      • Lead change process
    • Meeting starts in our imagination
    • Visualize meeting purposes and objectives
    • You can’t control thinking but can guide it
    • Tools for visual meetings
      • Display
      • Mapping
      • Diagramming
    • Visions to action
      • Roadmap
      • Gameplan
      • Progress map
      • Task list
      • Journey charts
      • Dashboards
    • Power of visual meetings
      • Sparking imagination
      • Thinking Big picture
      • Engaging people actively
      • Supporting group memory and productivity
    • Why Meetings?
      • Why are we here?
      • Who are you?
        • What might you be asking
      • What are we doing?
        • How are we going to do it?
    • Models
      • Who is there?
      • Who are you?
      • What are we doing?
      • How are we going to do it?
    • Types of meeting
      • Welcoming new members
      • Initial session
      • Brainstorming and design
      • Annual meeting
      • Visioning session
      • Problem solving
      • Learning session
      • Decision making
      • Project kickoff
      • Board retreat
      • Virtual team meeting
  • Learning
    • Learning Cycle
      • Imagination with intentions and task focus
      • Exploration and engagement
      • Thinking/pattern finding
      • Decision to move to action and application
  • Thinking
    • Process of finding connection
    • Solving problems
    • Revealing a design
    • Setting the criteria for decision
    • The Thinking Process
      • What are the simplest/the most fundamental elements
      • Work towards the most complex
    • 4 Ways To Get Started
      • Personal visualization using journal/sketchbook
      • One on one meeting
      • Graphic template
      • Let others draw
    • Thinking Exercises
      • Doodle faces
      • Spontaneous drawing
      • Mind mapping
      • Spontaneous writing
        • write a question and answer w/out thinking
      • Trace drawing
      • Note taking
      • landscapes
  • 4WH
    • Who?
    • What?
    • When?
    • Where?
    • How?
  • Journaling
    • Draw setting charts
    • Practice bullet points
    • Play with lines and borders
    • Doodle little people
    • Play with cartoon bubble
    • Take notes in a different format
  • Push and Pull
    • Push
      • asserts itself
      • changes things by adding context
      • Rule based
      • Guidelines
      • Creates resistance
      • ex. Powerpoint is a push
    • People feel pushed by
      • Instructions
      • Dense contents
      • Predesigned formats
      • Confrontation/attacks
      • Decision
      • Evaluation
      • Proposal
    • People feel pulled by
      • Open questions
      • Simple images
      • Silence
      • Moving back out of the way
      • Blank paper/blank spaces
      • Open hand drawn charts
      • Uncertainty
      • Breakdown in agenda
  • Brainstorming
    • Rules
      • Suspend judgment
      • Speak whatever occurs
      • Don’t edit, same ideas ok
      • Write down all ideas
      • Work quickly
    • Types of Brainstorming
      • List brainstorming
      • Howto or I wonder
      • Sticky notes wall
      • Vision breakout
      • Improvise
        • make things up
      • Discuss/propose
    • 5 Steps
      • Understand the problems
      • Identify success criteria
      • Brainstorm solution
      • Pick best solution
      • Implement solution
  • Storyboarding
    • Break information down
    • Arrange in narrative flow
    • Look at the big picture
  • Idea Mapping
    • add central idea in the middle
    • Identify something connected
    • create branch
    • keep adding branches
    • Purpose
      • to stimulate thinking
      • to think linearly
  • Visioning Process
    • Preparing
    • Exploring and learning
    • Agreeing on current realities
    • Opening to a vision
    • Creating strategies
    • Implementing change
    • Living the vision
    • Exercise
      • Write your career histories, 15years
      • Write your career future, 5 years
  • SWOT
    • Strength
    • Weakness
    • Opportunities
    • Threats
  • Change
    • How to change
      • Go beyond brainstorm session
      • Come to shared agreement
      • Unite what step to begin
    • stress tension=creative tension
    • Creative people
      • they have the capacity to keep themselves in the space of creative tension long enough to create extraordinary results

        each day, they make progress

        structural tension drives creative action

        they have an appetite for creative tension and hold their visions while exploring every way possible to change current reality

    • Agreeing on Action Plan
      • Where are we now?
      • Where do we want to go?
      • How do we get there?
      • What are the success factors?
  • Team Performance
    • Flow of action
    • Flow of energy
    • Flow of information
    • Flow of operation
    • Models
      • Orientation
        • Why here?
      • Trust building
        • Who are you?
      • Goal clarification
        • What are we doing?
      • Commitment
        • How will we do it?
      • Implementation
        • Who does what/when/where?
      • High performance
        • WOW
      • Renewal
        • Why continue?
    • Decision Funnel
      • Proposal for action
      • Dot vote
      • Hi/Lo graphs
      • Agree
  • Visual Problem Solving
    • Use frequency checklist
    • Use scatter diagrams
    • Use pareto charts
    • Use fishbone diagram
    • Use histogram
    • Use flow charts
    • Use control charts

MindMap-Notes-Creative Writing

MindMap-Notes-Creative Writing

  • Book Information
    • Title
      • Get Started in Creative Writing
    • Author
      • Stephen May
    • ISBN
      • 978-1444103180
    • Chapters
      • 20
    • Pages
      • 319
    • My Rating
      • 5 Stars
  • Writing Rules
    • Don’t preach
    • Don’t pad
    • Don’t repeat yourself
    • Don’t be discouraged
    • Don’t be pessimistic
  • Writing Sources
    • List of jobs
    • List of places
    • Places you lived
    • People you’ve worked with
    • Hobbies and Interests
    • Names/Job interest of people you know
    • Autobiography
  • Simple Advices
    • Specialize
    • Use an unusual angle
    • Use humor
    • Think about all points to include
    • Sort
    • Plan
    • Write the list in a draft
    • Choose a snappy title
    • Double check all your facts
    • Put your article in the drawer and wait [incubate]
    • Write a second draft
    • Get feedback
  • Imagination and Writing Exercise
    • a still of life-slow down your life
    • have a sense of place
    • write about a desire
    • drip feed your history
    • write about people
    • evoke and inform
    • inform and evoke
    • less is more
    • one incident/event, write about it
    • think if can add to the sum of human knowledge
    • be honest
    • have social interaction
    • create a persona
  • Stand and Stare Exercise
    • Think of an object
    • Think of a place
    • Think of an event
    • Think of a hometown

MindMap-MI Recovery

MindMap-MI Recovery

  • Cardiac Diet
    • Eat
      • Bagel Breakfast
      • Coffee
      • Pasta, Rice, whole grain breads
      • Skim or 2% Milk
      • Low Fat cheeses and yogurt
      • Ice Milk or sherbet
      • Fresh Fruits
      • Vegetables-fresh, steamed, boiled, grilled, without sauces
      • Lean Meat-skinless poultry and fish, roasted, grilled, baked, not fried
      • Egg Whites
      • Margarine made with canola, corn, sesame oils
      • Liquid margarine
    • Avoid
      • Whole Milk, cream
      • Regular ice cream
      • More than 3 whole eggs per week
      • Fatty meats
      • Hot dogs, sausages, bacon
      • Butter, lard or shortening
      • Sauces and gravies
      • Salad dressings made with mayonnaise, cream, cheese
      • Fried Foods
      • Foods made with MSG
      • Tips-Lowering Fat
      • Use non stick cookware, vegetable oil spray instead of butter
      • Trim visible fat off meat or poulty before cooking
      • Broil, roast, bake or steam your meat, poultry or fish instead of frying
      • Have a meatless meal once a week
      • Use Fat free versions of anything
      • Use 2 egg whites instead of 1 whole egg in baking
      • Use herbs and spices and vinegars for flavoring foods instead of sauces
  • Mind and Spirit
    • Continue Daily Devotional
    • Prayer
    • Act per the guidance of the Holy Spirit
    • Celebrate Life-EVERYDAY
    • View MI as another proof of Psalm91 (many cases already in my life)
    • Share MI experience as a “Warning Sign” to ALL-Life is too short, live it everyday.
  • Cardiac Rehab
    • Monitor Workout Data
    • Monitor Heart Rate
    • Monitor Blood Pressure
    • Monitor Sleep Hours
    • Monitor Weight Daily
  • Problem Analysis
    • What is it?
      • 100% occlusion of Left Anterior Descending Artery causing no blood flow to the myocardium.

        What was suppose to happen?

        Blood supposed to flow/circulate with ZERO obstruction to the heart.

    • What actually happened?
      • Left Anterior Descending artery was 100% blocked, Zero flow to the heart.
    • Why did it happen that way?
      • Unknown source of blockage in the entrance of LAD.
      • Hypothermia (20081104 2.4Mile Cold swim)-triggered an event-Thrombosis
      • Thrombosis–>Up blood viscosity–>Blood clot–>100% occlusion LAD–>MI
    • What will we do to improve the way we do it next time?
      • Implement cardiac diet, low fat and cholesterol
      • Regular exercise (no changes).
      • Yearly comprehensive medical checkup.
  • Fitness
    • Monthly Time Trial
    • Annual Rosedale Ride-65 Miles
    • Annual Austin 5K Swim
    • Annual Outlaw 100 Mile Bike Ride
    • Weekly Long Distance Swim-2.4 Miles Non Stop
    • Weekly Long Distance Cycling-40Miles
  • Medication
    • Effient, reduce blood clots,1x/day
    • Lisinopril-20mg, BP med, ACE inhibitor, 1x/day,
    • Coreg-20mg, BP/Heart med, 1x/day
    • Aspirin, 325mg, Blood thinner, 1x/day
    • Lovaza, Omega-3
    • Nitroglycerin, .4mg, Dilate artery during chest pain, as needed

Mindmap-Mindfulness

Mindmap-Mindfulness

  • Definition: Mindfulness
    • A simple way of relating to our experience, which can have profound impact on painful, negative experiences we encounter.
  • Characteristics of mindfulness
    • Involves:
    • Stopping
    • Paying attention
    • Becoming aware of present moment realities
    • Not judging whatever is happening as ‘good’ or ‘bad’
  • Definition
    • “The non-judgemental observation of the ongoing stream of internal and external stimuli as they arise”. Ruth Baer (2003)

      “Keeping one’s consciousness alive to the present reality” (Thich Nath Hanh, 1976)

      “Mindfulness is simply the knack of noticing without comment whatever is happening in your present experience” Guy Claxton (1990), p.18

  • Relevance of Mindfulness Practice to Emotional Distress
    • Creates a “holding environment”
    • Mindfulness gives us a safe “platform” from which to observe
    • Practice enables us to stay safely with distress until it disperses
    • Mindfulness steadies and grounds us
  • Mindfulness in Psychotherapy
    • 1. Awareness
    • 2. Of present experience
    • 3. With acceptance
    • All three components are required for a moment of full mindfulness. (Germer et al., 2005)
  • What Mindfulness is Not
    • Not a relaxation exercise
    • Not a way to avoid difficulty
    • Not a way to by-pass personality problems
    • Not about achieving a different state of mind
  • What Mindfulness is About
    • Being present to our experience however distressing or upsetting it may be
    • Brings us closer to difficulties but without becoming caught up in our reactions to difficulties
    • It is a slow, gentle coming to grips with who we are
    • Settling in to our current experience in a relaxed, alert, open-hearted way
  • Mindfulness in Action Techniques
    • These techniques are useful for bring mindfulness into the activities of everyday life.

      They also are a good place to start with clients who have very low impulse control and distress tolerance.

      Linehan (2003 pp170-171 & 174-175) describes a number of these techniques as a way of developing distress tolerance in her “Skills Training Manual for Treating Borderline Personality Disorder”

  • Mindfulness in action techniques include:
    • Focusing awareness of an aspect of a physical habit that previously has largely been outside of conscious awareness e.g.

      Noticing how tight you hold the steering wheel when driving.

      Being aware of what happens to your breathing or voice tone in an argument.

      Focusing awareness on the breath when a specified environmental cue occurs.

      This technique has been described in detail by Thich Nhat Hanh (1991 pp22-30 ).

      The cues we might use include:

      • Waiting for phone to be answered
      • Waiting at a red traffic light
      • Walking
      • Listening to Music
      • Getting Dressed

      Detailed awareness of the mental phenomena associated with cravings or urges such as thoughts, physical sensations and feelings.

      This is different to urge surfing as this technique includes no expectation that the craving will be outlasted.

  • A. Informal Mindfulness Exercises
    • Mindfulness in Your Morning Routine

      Pick an activity that constitutes part of your daily morning routine, such as brushing your teeth, shaving, or having a shower.

      When you do it, totally focus on what you are doing: the body movements, the taste, the touch, the smell, the sight, the sound etc.

      For example, when you’re in the shower, notice the sounds of the water as it sprays out of the nozzle, and as it hits your body as it gurgles down the hole.

      Notice the temperature of the water, and the feel of it in your hair, and on your shoulders, and running down our legs.

      Notice the smell of the soap and shampoo, and the feel of them against your skin.

      Notice the sight of the water droplets on the walls or shower screen, the water dripping down your body and the steam rising upwards.

      Notice the movements of your arms as you wash or scrub or shampoo.

      When thoughts arise, acknowledge them, let them be, and bring your attention back to the shower.

      Pick an activity such as ironing clothes, washing dishes, vacuuming floors, and do it mindfully.

      For example, when ironing clothes: notice the color and shape of the clothing, and the pattern made by the creases, and the new pattern as the creases disappear.

      Notice the hiss of the steam, the creak of the ironing board, the faint sound of the iron moving over the material.

      Notice the grip of your hand on the iron, and the movement of your arm and your shoulder.

      If boredom or frustration arises, simply acknowledge it, and bring your attention back to the task at hand.

      When thoughts arise, acknowledge them, let them be, and bring your attention back to what you are doing.

  • B. Informal Mindfulness Exercises
    • Take Ten Breaths

      1. Throughout the day, pause for a moment and take ten slow, deep breaths. Focus on breathing out as slowly as possible, until the lungs are completely empty, and breathing in using your diaphragm.

      2. Notice the sensations of your lungs emptying and your ribcage falling as you breathe out. Notice the rising and falling of your abdomen.

      3. Notice what thoughts are passing through your mind. Notice what feelings are passing through your body.

      4. Observe those thoughts and feelings without judging them as good or bad, and without trying to change them, avoid them, or hold onto them. Simply observe them.

      5. Notice what it’s like to observe those thoughts and feelings with an attitude of acceptance.

  • C. Notice Five Things
    • This is a simple exercise to center yourself, and connect with your environment. Practice it throughout the day, especially any time you find yourself getting caught up in your thoughts and feelings.

      1. Pause for a moment

      2. Look around, and notice five things you can see.

      3. Listen carefully, and notice five things you can hear.

      4. Notice five things you can feel in contact with your body. (E.g. your watch against your wrist, your trousers against your legs, the air upon your face, your feet upon the floor, your back against the chair etc)

  • D. Informal Mindfulness Exercises
    • Noting or Describing as a Mindfulness Skill

      Noting or describing (ie silently putting words to your experience) can be a useful mindfulness skill.

      This can be incorporated into any mindfulness exercise. Some clients find it very useful, particularly if they are often distracted by thoughts or feelings.

      For instance, when feelings arise you can silently note ‘feelings’ (ie silently say the word ‘feelings’ in your mind).

      Or you could use a phrase like, ‘it’s a feeling’.

      Or you can be much more specific, and note each individual feeling by name, eg ‘anger’, ‘boredom’, ‘calm’.

      When thoughts arise, you can silently note ‘thinking’ (ie silently say the word ‘thinking’ in your mind).

      Or you could use a phrase like, ‘it’s a thought’.

      Or you can be much more specific, and note your thoughts by category, eg ‘judging’, ‘worrying’, ‘analyzing’, ‘remembering’, ‘fantasizing’. Or more simply: ‘anxious thought’, ‘sad thought’, ‘neutral thought’; ‘thought about the future’, ‘thought about the past’ etc.

      A similar process can operate informally throughout the day. For example, in a tense work situation, you might observe a feeling of anxiety and simply note it as ‘I’m feeling anxious’ or ‘I’m noticing a feeling of anxiety’.

  • Note 3 categories only
    • 1. sensations (ie stuff you can feelin your body)
    • 2. thoughts (ie words you can hear in your head)
    • 3. images (ie picture you can see in your head)

MindMap-12 Rules of Investing

MindMap-12 Rules of Investing

  • 1. An attempt at making a quick buck often leads to losing much of that buck.
    • The people who suffer the worst losses are those who overreach.
    • If the investment sounds too good to be true, it is.
    • The best hot tip I’ve found is “there is no such thing as a hot tip.”
  • 2. Don’t let a small loss become large.
    • Don’t keep losing money just to “prove you are right.”
    • Never throw good money after bad (don’t buy more of a loser).
    • When all you’re left with is hope, get out.
  • 3. Cut your losers; let your winners ride.
    • Avoid limited-upside, unlimited-downside investments.
    • Don’t fall in love with your investment; it won’t fall in love with you.
  • 4. A rising tide raises all ships, and vice versa. So assess the tide, not the ships.
    • Fighting the prevailing “trend” is generally a recipe for disaster.
    • Stocks will fall more than you think and rise higher than you can imagine.
    • In the short run, values don’t matter.
  • 5. When a stock hits a new high, it’s not time to sell something that is going right.
    • When a stock hits a new low, it’s not time to buy something that is going wrong.
  • 6. Buy and hold doesn’t ALWAYS work.
    • If stocks don’t seem cheap, stand aside.
  • 7. Bear markets begin in good times. Bull markets begin in bad times.
    • Bull market – a financial market of a group of securities in which prices are rising or are expected to rise. Bull markets are characterized by optimism, investor confidence and expectations that strong results will continue.

      Bear market – a market condition in which the prices of securities are falling, and widespread pessimism causes the negative sentiment to be self-sustaining.

  • 8. If you don’t understand the investment, don’t buy it.
    • Don’t be wooed. Either make an effort to understand it or say “no thanks.”
    • You can’t know everything, so don’t stray far from what you know.
  • 9. Buy value, and sell hysteria.
    • Paying less than the underlying asset’s value is a proven successful investing strategy.
    • Buying overvalued stocks has proven to under perform the market.
    • Neglected sectors often offer good values.
    • The “popular” sectors are often overvalued.
  • 10. Investing in what’s popular never ends up making you any money.
    • Avoid popular stocks, fad industries and new ventures.
    • Buy an investment when it has few friends.
  • 11. When it’s time to act, don’t hesitate.
    • Once you’re in, be patient and don’t be rattled by fluctuations.
    • Stick with your plan… but when you make a mistake, don’t hesitate.
    • Learn more from your bad moves than your good ones.
  • 12. Expert investors care about risk; novice investors shop for returns.
    • If you focus on the risks, the returns will eventually come for you.
    • If you focus on the returns, the risks will eventually come for you.
  • Courtesy: Steve Sjuggerud, InvestmentU.com

MindMap-GAF

MindMap-GAF

  • What is GAF?
    • Global Assessment of Function

      The GAF is a 100-point tool rating overall psychological, social and occupational functioning of people over 18 years of age and older. It excludes physical and environmental impairment.

      The GAF is included in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fourth Edition, Text Revision (DSM-IV-TR) in the section on multi-axial assessments.

      ~ http://www.ct.gov/dmhas/LIB/dmhas/MRO/Kaxis.pdf

  • GAF Scoring:
    • 91-100
      • Superior functioning in a wide rage of activities, life’s problems never seem to get out of hand, is sought out by others because of his or her many qualities. No symptoms.
    • 90-81
      • Absent or minimal symptoms, good functioning in all areas, interested and involved in a wide range or activities, socially effective, generally satisfied with life, no more than everyday problems or concerns.
    • 80-71
      • If symptoms are present they are transient and expectable reactions to psychosocial stresses; no more than slight impairment in social, occupational, or school functioning
    • 70-61
      • Some mild symptoms OR some difficulty in social, occupational, or school functioning, but generally functioning pretty well, has some meaningful interpersonal relationships.
    • 60-51
      • Moderate symptoms OR any moderate difficulty in social, occupational, or school functioning.
    • 50-41
      • Serious symptoms OR any serious impairment in social, occupational, or school functioning.
    • 40-31
      • Some impairment in reality testing or communication OR major impairment in several areas, such as work or school, family relations, judgment, thinking, or mood.
    • 30-21
      • Behavior is considered influenced by delusions or hallucinations OR serious impairment in communications or judgment OR inability to function in all areas.
    • 20-11
      • Some danger or hurting self or others OR occasionally fails to maintain minimal personal hygiene OR gross impairment in communication.
    • 10-1
      • Persistent danger of severely hurting self or others OR persistent inability to maintain minimum personal hygiene OR serious suicidal act with clear expectation of death.
  • GAF Online Training
  • GAF-Psychological Index-Short Description:
    • 100 Superior functioning

      90 Minimal symptoms; good functioning

      80 Transient and expected reaction to stress

      70 Mild psychological symptoms

      60 Moderate psychological symptoms; has clear mental problems to those who know him/her well

      50 Serious psychological symptoms; moderately depressed mood, moderate lethargy, severe phobia

      40 May have hallucinations or delusions; however, probably realizes they are not a part of reality

      30 Behavior is considerably influenced by delusions or hallucinations; severely depressed mood

      20 Gross Impairment in Thinking and communication; largely incoherent or mute; very disorganized, bizarre thinking

      10 Thinking is totally disorganized; completely incoherent or mute; unable to focus attention for even a few seconds

  • GAF-Social Skills Index-Short Description:
    • 100 Outstanding social skills

      90 Good social skills

      80 No more than slight impairment in social skills

      70 Some difficulty with social skills

      60 Moderate difficulty with social skills; moderately awkward socially

      50 Serious impairment in social skills; no friends, but some peer relationships

      40 Attempts to approach others quickly leads to embarrassing situations

      30 Acts grossly inappropriately toward others, e.g., openly masturbates

      20 Very few social skills; acts very shockingly inappropriate in front of others, such as smearing feces

      10 Few if any social skills; extremely vulnerable to victimization

  • GAF-Violence Index-Short Description:
    • 100 No violence or aggression

      90 No more than everyday conflicts

      80 No more than slight problem with anger

      70 Mild problems with anger and thoughts that life may not be worth living

      60 Moderate problems with anger and some evidence that self-destructive thoughts may be present

      50 Serious problems with anger; occasionally hits someone; occasional suicidal ideation

      40 Real danger or hurting self or others; hitting or biting someone is not unusual; suicidal gesture within the last month

      30 Often hitting or biting others; suicidal attempt without clear expectation of death during the last month

      20 Frequently violent; very real danger or hurting self or others; serious thoughts of killing someone; constant suicidal preoccupation

      10 Persistent danger of severely hurting self or others; little or no control of impulses to hurt self or others

  • GAF-ADL-Occupation Index-Short Description: Activities of Daily Living
    • 100 Superior work skills

      90 Good work skills

      80 No more than slightly impaired work skills

      70 Mild difficulty with work

      60 Moderate impairment with work

      50 Serious impairment with work; unable to keep a job for more than a few weeks

      40 Major impairment with work; unable to work at a job for any significant period

      30 No job and unable to independently maintain a home

      20 Gross impairment in skills needed to perform ALDs and tasks at home; almost totally unable to follow simple instructions

      10 Demonstrates almost no ADL skills; totally unable to follow instructions

  • GAF-Substance Abuse Index-Short Description:
    • 100 Model for abstinence

      90 No more than average problems

      80 No more than slight impairment; smokes cigarettes

      70 Mild impairment due to substance abuse; heavy smoker

      60 Moderate difficulty in functioning due to substance abuse

      50 Behavior and/or lifestyle is considerably influenced by substance abuse

      40 Major impairment in several areas due to substance abuse

      30 Drugs or alcohol pervade one’s thinking and behavior; injection of heroin or cocaine into one’s veins daily

      20 Functioning is extremely impaired by daily use of drugs, such as LSD, PCP, cocaine, heroin or inhalants

      10 One’s life is totally controlled by drugs or alcohol; clear evidence that drugs or alcohol will lead to severe physical harm or death

  • GAF-Medical Index-Short Description:
    • 100 Superior medical health

      90 Good medical health

      80 Minimal and transient medical problems

      70 Mild functional impairment due to medical problems

      60 Moderate functional impairment due to medical problems

      50 Serious functional impairment due to medical problems

      40 Major impairment in several areas due to medical problems

      30 Behavior and/or lifestyle is considerably impaired by medical problems

      20 Major medical problems confine one to bed all of the time and intensive treatment is required to prevent rapid progression to death

      10 Chronic medical incapacity requiring basic life support; chronic vegetative or near vegetative state

  • GAF-Ancillary Index-Short Description:
    • 100 Superior life situation

      90 Good life situation

      80 Somewhat more than average life situation problems

      70 Mild life situation problems

      60 Moderate difficulty with life situation; high risk for jail or homelessness

      50 Serious difficulty with life situation; threats of moderate violence in one’s environment

      40 Major problems with life situation; real danger of being injured in one’s environment

      30 Frequent mild to moderate physical injuries from violence in one’s environment

      20 Major ancillary problems, e.g., one is in a very dangerous homeless or jail situation all of the time; unable to obtain basic food, shelter and/or clothing

      10 One’s life is continually at serious risk due to lack of basic resources or because of extremely high level of violence in one’s environment

  • GAF-Psychological Index-Long Description
    • 100 Superior Psychological Functioning/Coping, no psychological impairment; life’s everyday problems never seem to lead to any significant anxiety or depression. No Symptoms.

      90 Absent or Minimal Symptoms (e.g., mild anxiety before an exam), good psychological functioning in all areas; interested and involved in a wide range of activities; generally satisfied with life; no more than everyday problems or concerns.

      80 If Symptoms Are Present, They Are Transient and Expected Reaction to Psychosocial Stressors (e.g., upset by breakup with girlfriend; difficulty concentrating after family argument; mild preoccupation with problems; a woman has many friends, functions extremely well at a difficult job, but says “The stress is too much.”); not considered to have mental problems by those who know him/her.

      70 Some Mild Symptoms (e.g., depressed mood with mild insomnia, occasional truancy, theft within the household, difficulty trusting others, mild insensitivity to the feelings and needs of others), but generally functioning fairly well; however, those who know him/her well might express some concerns about his/her mental state.

      60 Moderate Symptoms (e.g., flat affect and circumstantial speech, occasional panic attacks; frequently preoccupied; moderate impairment in attention span); moderate insensitivity to the feelings and needs of others; to those who know him/her well it is clear the he/she has mental problems.

      50 Serious Symptoms (e.g., moderately depressed mood, moderate lethargy, severe obsessional rituals, severe phobia, severe sexual perversion, moderate problems with anorexia/bulimia, frequent shoplifting, frequent anxiety attacks, moderately guarded, mild but definite manic syndrome).

      40 Major Psychological Impairment; some impairment in reality testing or communication (e.g., speech is at times illogical, obscure, or irrelevant; moderate paranoia; may have hallucinations or delusions; however, probably realizes they are not a part of reality); major impairment in several areas, such as judgment, thinking, or mood (e.g., depressed man avoids friends, neglects family, and is not motivated to work or moderate negative symptoms of schizophrenia); even to those who do not know him/her well would likely consider him/her to have mental problems.

      30 Behavior Is Considerably Influenced by Delusions or Hallucinations; appears to be responding to hallucinations; serious impairment in communication or judgment (e.g., sometimes incoherent, thinking is occasionally grossly inappropriate); severely depressed mood; withdrawn with few spontaneous communications; inability to function in almost all areas (e.g., stays in bed all day and does not care for own living space; no job, home, or friends due to paranoia, poor motivation, social withdrawal, extremely poor insight and/or being almost totally insensitive to the feelings and needs of others); at times attention span is markedly impaired; Severe Sociopathic Behaviors Have Lead to Multiple Arrests; severe sexual perversion toward prepubescent children.

      20 Thinking and Communication Are Generally Grossly Impaired; manic excitement or catatonia; largely incoherent or mute; generally markedly impaired attention span; occasionally fails to maintain minimal personal hygiene due to severe lethargy or very disorganized, bizarre thinking (e.g., too lethargic to attempt to wipe food off one’s shirt; smears feces for bizarre, delusional reasons).

      10 Thinking Is Totally Disorganized; totally insensitive to the feelings and needs of others; completely incoherent; completely mute, extremely catatonic; persistent inability to maintain minimal personal hygiene or minimal safety due to totally disorganized thinking or Very Severe Lethargy; unable to focus attention for even a few seconds; chronic, self-induced vomiting has lead to a very life threatening situation.

  • GAF-Social Skills Index-Long Description
    • 100 Superior Social Skills; is sought out by others because of his or her outstanding social/communication skills; has many friends and no difficulty making new friends. No Symptoms.

      90 Good Social Skills; no difficulty being pleasant and engaging; good communication skills; Socially Effective.

      80 No More Than Slight Impairment in Social Skills; slightly inappropriate social behavior leads to infrequent interpersonal conflicts; no more than slight difficulty maintaining several friendships.

      70 Some Difficulty with Social Skills (e.g., mild difficulty knowing how to share with others, show sympathy for others and/or understand feelings of others); social skills are not obviously impaired; generally functioning fairly well; has some meaningful interpersonal relationships.

      60 Moderate Difficulty with Social Skills (e.g., conflicts with peers due to inappropriate teasing or other inappropriate social behavior; attempts to be pleasant and engaging are usually moderately awkward; moderate difficulty knowing what to say even when talking with friends; moderate difficulty knowing how to share with others, show sympathy toward others and/or understand feelings of others); Hardly Any Friends Because of Problems with Social Skills; communications are understandable but vague.

      50 Serious Impairment in Social Skills; Has No Friends Because of Clearly Impaired Social Skills; However, Has Some Peer Relationships, Despite Social Skills Being Clearly Impaired; frequent conflicts with peers or co-workers because of inappropriate social behavior; conversations are often socially inappropriate; great difficulty communicating thoughts and feelings; unable to introduce self and a second person without clear difficulty; frequently intrusive; inappropriate, non-sexual touching.

      40 Major Impairment in Social Skills; Attempts to Approach Others Quickly Leads to Embarrassing Situations; no friends and virtually no peer relationships because of poor social skills; unable to appropriately engage in almost any social activity; continually intrusive with little understanding of the inappropriateness of the behavior; major acts of socially inappropriate behavior Leads to Being Assaulted, being fired from work or expelled from school; Great Difficulty Recognizing or Coping with Inappropriate Sexual or Aggressive Advances by Others; great difficulty recognizing that his/her sexual advances are not welcome.

      30 Acts Grossly Inappropriately Toward Others; virtually no understanding of the feelings of others, how to share with others and/or how to show sympathy toward others; conversations with others are grossly inappropriate; unaware of or ignores most social norms as manifested by openly masturbating, inappropriate sexual touching, etc.

      20 Very Few Social Skills; generally unable to communicate in an organized, understandable way, uses short phrases or gestures to get basic needs met; acts very shockingly inappropriate in front of others, such as smearing of feces or making sexual advances toward young children; however, may have some understanding that such behavior is inappropriate.

      10 Few If Any Social Skills; unable to communicate in an organized, understandable way; shows no apparent awareness of social norms (e.g., doesn’t realize that it is inappropriate to grab food or cigarettes from others); Extremely Vulnerable to Victimization (e.g., has no understanding of the inappropriateness and/or dangers of approaching strangers or assaulting others; needs constant care and supervision to prevent client from getting into dangerous social situations).

  • GAF-Violence Index-Long Description
    • 100 No Evidence of Violence to self or others; very satisfied with life; life’s problems never seem to lead to any inappropriate anger, frustration or conflicts. No Symptoms.

      90 No Significant Evidence of Violence to self or others; generally satisfied with life, no more than everyday problems or conflicts (e.g., an occasional argument with family members).

      80 No More Than Slight Problems with anger and irritability; if symptoms are present, they are transient and expectable reactions to psychosocial stressors (e.g., occasional “blow-up” with family members or friends; mild anger after family argument); no suicidal ideation.

      70 Mild Symptoms (e.g., mild problems with anger and irritability; occasional thoughts of violent behavior; thoughts that life may not be worth living); symptoms are not interfering significantly with client’s functioning; Severely Assaulted Others or Serious Suicidal Attempt Over Five Years Ago; however, for years, has had no significant problems with violence or self-harm.

      60 Moderate Difficulty with Anger and Irritability (e.g., moderate conflicts with peers or co-workers due to anger and hostility; occasional threats of violent behavior); some evidence that self-destructive thoughts may be present. Murdered Someone Over Ten Years Ago; however, for many years, has had no significant problems with violence.

      50 Serious Problems with Anger and Irritability; moderate threats of violence; becomes verbally threatening when needs/demands are not immediately met or when pushed to do something; Occasionally Hits Someone; Occasional, Relatively Minor, Sexual Assault; Occasional Suicidal Ideation; non-suicidal self-abuse, such as burning self with cigarettes or cutting self superficially; not felt to be a real danger of seriously hurting self or others; however, some precautions including close observation may be indicated.

      40 Major Problems with Anger and Irritability; Some Real Danger of Hurting Self or Others; violent outbursts toward family and neighbors; frequent threats of violence; hitting or biting someone is not unusual; occasionally difficult to redirect from aggressive behavior; induces much fear of physical assault in others; Single Suicidal Gesture Within the Last Month; moderate suicidal ideation; actively making plans to hurt self or others; set a relatively minor fire within the last three months or is having fire setting impulses with history of setting one or two minor fires.

      30 Often Hitting or Biting Others; becomes physically aggressive when needs are not immediately met; suicidal attempt without clear expectation of death during the last month; frequent suicidal preoccupation; actively following through with plans to hurt self or others (e.g., obtaining a gun, pills, rope, etc.); At Times Close Observation or Restraints May Be Necessary to Prevent Serious Harm to Self or Others.

      20 Frequently Violent; very real danger of hurting self or others; serious thoughts of killing someone; attempted to very violently harm or violently rape someone within the last month; Constant Suicidal Preoccupation; However, Client is Felt to Have Some Control of the Suicidal Impulses; two or more suicidal attempts without clear expectation of death within the last month; close observation to prevent harm to self or others may be required 1 or 2 days a week.

      10 Persistent Danger of Severely Hurting Self or Others; attempted to kill someone within the last month; attempted to very violently harm or violently rape a child within the last month; set a fire within the last month with intent of hurting others; serious suicidal attempt within the last month with clear expectation of death; Little or No Control of Impulses to Hurt Self or Others; expressing loss of control of command hallucinations to hurt self or others; 1-to-1, at arms length observation and/or physical restraint for prevention of serious harm to self or others may be required 3 or more days a week; Murdered Someone Within the Last Two Years.

  • GAF-ADL-Occup. Index-Long Description
    • 100 Superior ADL-Occupational Skills in a Wide Range of Activities (e.g., in school, on the job, as a homemaker, pursing a complicated hobby); superior workmanship; work challenges never seen to get out of hand; is sought out by others because of his or her work skills. No Symptoms. Skills are consistent with that expected of a successful college graduate.

      90 Good Skills in All ADL-Occupational Activities; no more than average difficulties with any work assignment. Absent or minimal symptoms. Skills are consistent with that expected of a successful high school graduate.

      80 No More Than Slight Impairment in Occupational Skills or Skills in School; having slight difficulty performing at an average level; slight difficulties with routine chores, work assignments or schoolwork assignments; slight impairment in workmanship.

      70 Mild Difficulty with Occupational Skills or Skills in School (e.g., minor difficulty following instructions, workmanship is somewhat sloppy), But Generally Functioning Fairly Well.

      60 Moderate Difficulty with Occupational Skills or Skills in School (e.g., probably employed; however, has trouble carrying through assignments; some difficulty problem solving or following instructions; some difficulty driving a car; some difficulty knowing how to budget money; some difficulty maintaining a home or apartment).

      50 Serious Impairment in Occupational Skills or Skills in School (e.g., unable to keep a job from more than a few weeks due to poor occupational skills; almost failing in school; moderate difficulty following instructions; moderately sloppy workmanship); needs supervision when shopping for food; some difficulty using public transportation; some difficulty preparing self a reasonable, family-style meal; some difficulty ordering, eating properly, tipping, etc. in a regular restaurant; some difficulty making a long distance phone call.

      40 Major Impairment in Occupational Skills or Skills in School (e.g., unable to work at a job for any significant period or do routine housework due to poor work skills; failing in school due to poor academic skills); needs supervision to use public transportation; mild to moderate difficulty ordering and eating in a fast food restaurant; poor understanding of how to budget money.

      30 No Job and Unable to Independently Maintain a Home due to serious impairment in skills needed to perform ADLs and tasks at home; serious difficulty following instructions; needs some supervision to prepare simple meals for self, such as a sandwich and beverage; needs supervision to dress self, make a local phone call, follow a very simple self-medication procedure; needs constant supervision to complete more complicated ADLs (e.g., operating a washer and dryer); very sloppy workmanship; some difficulty responding appropriately to a fire alarm; difficulty finding way back from short errands.

      20 Gross Impairment in Skills Needed to Perform ADLs and Tasks at Home (e.g., needs some supervision to maintain minimal personal hygiene; is almost totally unable to follow simple instructions; needs supervision to feed self; Unable to Function Independently (e.g., needs constant supervision to complete most simple tasks; does not know the value of money; unable to dial 911 in an emergency; unable to find way back from short errands).

      10 Demonstrates Almost No ADL Skills (e.g., is totally unable to follow instructions; unable to complete most tasks even with constant supervision; may even have to be physically assisted to complete a task, including eating or dressing. Persistent Inability to Maintain Minimal Personal Hygiene; considerable external support (e.g. nursing care and supervision) is needed to prevent client from accidentally harming self (e.g., wandering into traffic, danger of seriously burning self when attempting to cook or when smoking); unable to appropriately respond to a fire alarm.

  • GAF-Medical Index-Long Description
    • 100 Superior Medical Health; physical exam and laboratory tests are normal, including no significant weight problem; illnesses never seem to affect him or her; few if any problems with even common medical problems (e.g., colds, headaches, indigestion, constipation, diarrhea); virtually never has to miss work or school due to medical problems; exercises regularly; on no medication, except may take a prophylactic medication, such as a multivitamin; doesn’t wear glasses/contacts; No Significant Medical Problems or Symptoms.

      90 Good Medical Health; has few if any medical problems; physical exam and laboratory test reveal no more than minor abnormalities; illnesses seldom seem to affect him or her; average difficulties with common medical problems (e.g., colds, headaches, indigestion, constipation, diarrhea); wears glasses/contacts that correct minor visual problems; wears dentures; only occasionally misses work or school due to medical problems; occasionally needs OTC medication.

      80 IF Medical Problems Are Present, They Are Transient and Cause Minimal Impairment In Social, Occupational or School Functioning; somewhat more than average missing work or school due to medical problems; impairment in mobility, use of hands or hearing that is Totally Corrected by the use of a prosthesis, hearing aids, etc.; mild obesity or mild emaciation; occasional urinary incontinence due to organic problems.

      70 Mild Medical Problems Which May Cause Some Difficulty in Social, Occupational or School Functioning; however, generally functioning fairly well; missing no more than about one to two weeks a year from work or school due to medical problems; mild impairment in mobility, speech, use of hands, vision or hearing despite use of prosthesis, glasses, hearing aids, etc.; chronic illness, however, has few if any overt signs or symptoms of the illness (e.g., mild asthma, mild hypertension, mild diabetes, mild arthritis; mild dysphagia; epilepsy easily controlled with medication; mild tardive dyskinesia); requires medical follow-up several times a year; taking prescription medication on a daily basis.

      60 Moderate Difficulty in Social, Occupational or School Functioning Due to Medical Problems; missing no more than about one month a year from work or school due to medical problems (e.g., moderate asthma, moderate hypertension, moderate diabetes, moderate COPD, mild to moderate hyponatremia secondary to polydipsia, HIV positive, chronic hepatitis, mild cerebral palsy, mild cystic fibrosis, mild hemophilia, mild angina on exertion); medical problems requiring daily or weekly monitoring and treatments beyond p.o. medications (e.g., injections, blood levels, nebulizer, physical therapy); needs bladder bag.

      50 Serious Impairment in Social, Occupational or School Functioning Due to Medical Problems; serious impairment in mobility, speech, use of hands, vision or hearing despite use of prosthesis, glasses, hearing aids, etc.; considered a serious risk for falling; only partially controlled epilepsy; equipment is needed for mobility (e.g., wheelchair, portable oxygen); Medical Problems Prevent One from Driving a Car.

      40 Major Impairment in Several Areas (such as work or school or family relations) because of medical problems; missing about two months a year or more from work or school due to medical problems; medical problems results in major impairment in mobility, speech, use of hands, vision, or hearing despite use of prosthesis, glasses, hearing aids, etc.; frequently confined to bed or wheelchair because of chronic medical problems.

      30 Behavior and/or Lifestyle Is Considerably Impaired by Medical Problems; very serious medical problems confine one to bed or wheelchair most of the time (e.g., very symptomatic cases of diseases such as metastatic cancer, multiple sclerosis, cerebral palsy or AIDS); chronic failure of a major body system (e.g., heart, lung, kidney, liver); on dialysis for kidney failure.

      20 Major Medical Problems Confine One to Bed All of the Time and intensive, continuous medical treatment is required without which one would rapidly progress to death (e.g., Late Stages of metastatic cancer, multiple sclerosis; AIDS, etc.); chronic, near terminal failure of a major body system (e.g., heart, lung, kidney, liver); quadriplegic.

      10 Chronic Medical Incapacity Requiring Basis Life Support (e.g. ventilator); removal of life support would rapidly lead to death; patient in chronic vegetative or near vegetative state; persistent delirium or coma.

  • GAF-Ancillary-Index-Long Description
    • 100 Superior Life Situation; currently in or has ready access to ideal living environment (neighborhood, home, school, work, etc.); superior financial resources for his/her needs; no legal problems; extremely safe environment; No Significant Ancillary Problems or Symptoms.

      90 Good Life Situation; has few if any ancillary problems; no more than minor problems with living environment, financial resources and/or legal problems, e.g., occasionally living environment doesn’t fully meet one’s needs, rare late payment on a bill, rare parking or traffic ticket.

      80 If Ancillary Problems Are Present, They Are Transient and Cause No More Than Minimal Difficulty with one’s Living Situation, Financial Resources or the Law; somewhat more than average problems with one’s living environment, financial resources or legal problems.

      70 Mild Ancillary Problems, e.g., Some Difficulty in one’s Living Environment, Financial Resources or with the Law; mild difficulty paying bills/credit cards; mild difficulty with parking or traffic tickets; occasional mild verbal violence in one’s environment; However, Generally Safe Living Situation.

      60 Moderate Difficulty with Living Situation, Finances or the Law; high risk for being in a dangerous homeless or jail situation; criminal charges place one at high risk of incarceration; no stable residence and/or income, often having to move from one living situation to another; moderate difficulty paying bills/credit cards; Evaluation and/or Disposition Is Being Made for Nonviolent Criminal Activity (e.g., trespassing, stealing, defacing/destruction of property, or lewd behavior); Evaluation and/or Disposition Is Being Made for Competency to Make Decisions Concerning Person, Estate and/or Treatment.

      50 Serious Problems with Living Situation, Finances and/or the Law; frequent risks or threats of moderate violence in one’s environment; Evaluation and/or Disposition Is Being Made for Relatively Minor, But Violent or Dangerous Criminal Activity, (e.g., minor assault, threats to do physical harm, driving while under the influence, sexually touching someone or exposing oneself); Serious Placement Difficulties, Even When Ready for Placement.

      40 Major Problems with Living Situation, Finances and/or the Law; Some Real Danger of Being Physically Injured in one’s Environment; Evaluation and/or Disposition Is Being Made for Very Violent Criminal Activity (e.g., vicious assault, attempted rape, attempting to molest a child, arson).

      30 Lifestyle Is Considerably Influenced by Ancillary Problems; one is in a very dangerous homeless or jail situation most of the time; unable to obtain basic food, shelter and/or clothing; frequent, mild to moderate physical injuries from violence in one environment.

      20 Major Ancillary Problems (e.g., One Is in a Very Dangerous Homeless or Jail Situation All of the Time); at times one’s life is at serious risk due to lack of resources for basic food, shelter and/or clothing or because of high level of violence in one’s environment; Evaluation and/or Disposition Is Being Made for Extremely Serious Criminal Charges (e.g., attempted murder, vicious rape, viciously molesting a child).

      10 Living/Financial Situation Is Totally Inadequate; one’s life is continually at serious risk due to lack of basic food, shelter and/or clothing or because of extremely high level of violence in one’s environment; Evaluation and/or Disposition Is Being Made for the Most Extreme Charges of Violence (e.g., murdering anyone, very viciously harming or very viciously raping a child, arson with intent of hurting

  • GAF Questions:
    • 100 Perfect Condition

      90 Absent or Minimal Symptoms and no Impairment in Functioning

      90 Group H Criteria: -Minimal or absent symptoms (e.g., mild anxiety before an examination)

      90 Good functioning in all areas and satisfied with life

      90 Interested and involved in a wide range of activities

      90 Socially effective

      88-90 No psychological symptoms and no problems of living or functioning

      84-87 Minimal symptoms and no everyday problems

      81-83 Minimal symptoms and some everyday problems

      80 Some Transient Mild Symptoms or temporary Mild Impairment in Functioning

      80 Group G Criteria: -Mild symptoms are present, but they are transient and expectable reactions to psychosocial stressors (e.g., difficulty concentrating after family argument).

      80 Slight impairment in social, work, or school functioning (e.g., temporarily falling behind in school or work).

      78-80 EITHER mild symptom(s) OR mild impairment in social, work or school functioning

      74-77 Mild impairment in more than one area of social, work or school functioning

      71-73 BOTH mild symptoms AND slight impairment in social, work & school functioning

      70 Some Persistent Mild Symptoms or persistent Mild Impairment in Functioning

      70 Group F Criteria: -Mild symptoms are present that are NOT just expectable reactions to psychosocial stressors (e.g., mild or lessened depression and/or mild insomnia)

      70 Some persistent difficulty in social, work or school functioning (e.g., occasional truancy, theft within the family, or repeated falling behind in school or work)

      70 But has some meaningful interpersonal relationships

      68-70 EITHER mild persistent symptoms OR mild difficulty in social, work, or school functioning

      64-67 Mild persistent difficulty in more than one area of social, work or school functioning

      61-63 BOTH mild persistent symptoms AND some difficulty in social, work, and school functioning

      60 Moderate Symptoms or Moderate Impairment in Functioning

      60 Group E Criteria: -Moderate symptoms (e.g., frequent, moderate depressed mood and insomnia and/or moderate ruminating and obsessing; or occasional anxiety attacks; or flat affect and circumstantial speech; or eating problems and below minimum safe weight without depression).

      58-60 EITHER moderate depressed mood, symptoms OR moderate difficulty in social, work, or school functioning

      54-57 Moderate difficulty in more than 1 area of social, work or school functioning

      51-53 BOTH moderate symptoms AND moderate difficulty in social, work, and school functioning

      50 Some Serious Symptoms or Serious Impairment in Functioning

      50 Group D Criteria: -Serious impairment with work, school or housework if a housewife or househusband (e.g., unable to keep job or stay in school, or failing school, or unable to care for family and house)

      50 Frequent problems with the law (e.g., frequent shoplifting, arrests) or occasional combative behavior

      50 Serious impairment in relationships with friends (e.g., very few or no friends, or no current friends)

      50 Serious impairment in judgment (including inability to make decisions, confusion, disorientation)

      50 Serious impairment in thinking (including constant preoccupation w/thoughts, distorted body image, paranoia)

      50 Serious impairment in mood (including constant depressed mood plus helplessness and hopelessness, or agitation, or manic mood)

      50 Serious impairment due to anxiety (panic attacks, overwhelming anxiety)

      50 Other symptoms: some hallucinations, delusions, or severe obsessional rituals

      50 Passive suicidal ideation

      48-50 1 of the criteria in Group D

      44-47 2 of the criteria in Group D

      41-43 3 of the criteria in Group D

      40 Major Impairment in Several Areas of Functioning

      38-40 4 of the criteria in Group D

      34-37 5 of the criteria in Group D

      31-33 6 of the criteria in Group D

      30 Inability to Function in Almost All Areas

      30 Group C Criteria: -EITHER Suicidal Preoccupation or frank suicidal ideation with preparation

      30 OR behavior considerably influenced by delusions or hallucinations

      30 OR serious impairment in communication (sometimes incoherent, acts grossly inappropriately)

      30 OR profound stuporous depression

      28-30 7 of the criteria in Group D

      24-27 8 of the criteria in Group D

      20-23 9 of the criteria in Group D

      21 1 of the criteria in Group C

      21 Suffering from Neglect or in Danger of Hurting Self or Others

      20 Suffering from Neglect or in Danger of Hurting Self or Others

      20 Group B Criteria: -Suicide attempts without clear expectation of death

      20 Some severe violence or self-mutilating behaviors

      20 Severe manic excitement, or severe agitation and impulsivity

      20 Occasionally fails to maintain minimum personal hygiene (e.g., diarrhea due to laxatives, or smearing feces)

      20 Urgent/emergency admission to the present psychiatric hospital

      20 In physical danger due to medical problems (e.g., severe anorexia or bulimia and some spontaneous vomiting or extensive laxative/diuretic/diet pill use, but without serious heart or kidney problems or severe dehydration and disorientation)

      18-20 1-2 of the criteria in Group B

      14-17 3-4 of the criteria in Group B

      11-13 5-6 of the criteria in Group B

      10 Immediate Danger from Serious Neglect or Self-Injurious Behavior

      10 Group A Criteria: -Serious suicidal act with clear expectation of death (e.g., stabbing,

      10 shooting, hanging, or serious overdose with no one present

      10 Frequent severe violence or self-mutilation

      10 Extreme manic excitement, or extreme agitation and impulsivity (e.g., wild screaming, ripping the stuffing out of a bed mattress)

      10 Persistent inability to maintain minimal personal hygiene

      10 Urgent/emergency admission to present psychiatric hospital

      10 In acute, severe danger due to medical problems (e.g., severe anorexia or bulimia with heart or kidney problems)

      8-10 1-2 of the criteria in Group A

      4-7 4 of the criteria in Group A

      1-3 5-6 of the criteria in Group A

      0 0

  • GAD-7 Anxiety Assessment [Generalized Anxiety Disorder]
    • Over the last 2 weeks, how often have you been bothered by the following problems?
    • 1. Feeling nervous, anxious or on edge
    • 2. Not being able to stop or control worrying
    • 3. Worrying too much about different things
    • 4. Trouble relaxing
    • 5. Being so restless that it is hard to sit still
    • 6. Becoming easily annoyed or irritable
    • 7. Feeling afraid as if something awful might happen
    • Scoring:
      • 0-Not at all

        1-Several Days

        2-More than half the days

        3-Nearly everyday

        Scores of 5, 10, and 15 are taken as the cut off points for mild, moderate, and severe anxiety, respectively.

        When used as a screening tool, further evaluation is recommended when the score is 10 or greater.

        Using the threshold score of 10, the GAD-7 has a sensitivity of 89% and a specificity of 82% for generalised anxiety disorder.

        It is moderately good at screening three other common anxiety disorders – panic disorder (sensitivity 74%, specificity 81%), social anxiety disorder (sensitivity 72%, specificity 80%), and post-traumatic stress disorder (sensitivity 66%, specificity 81%).

    • ~ http://www.phqscreeners.com/
  • PHQ-9 Depression [Patient Health Questionnaire]
    • 1. Little interest or pleasure in doing things.

      2. Feeling down, depressed, or hopeless.

      3. Trouble falling or staying asleep, or sleeping too much.

      4. Feeling tired or having little energy.

      5. Poor appetite or overeating.

      6. Feeling bad about yourself — or that you are a failure or have let yourself or your family down.

      7. Trouble concentrating on things, such as reading the newspaper or watching television.

      8. Moving or speaking so slowly that other people could have noticed? Or the opposite — being so fidgety or restless that you have been moving .around a lot more than usual.

      9. Thoughts that you would be better off dead or of hurting yourself in some way.

      Scoring:

      • 0-Not at all

        1-Several Days

        2-More than half the days

        3-Nearly everyday

        Scores of 5, 10, and 15 are taken as the cut off points for mild, moderate, and severe anxiety, respectively.

        NOTE: If your answer on Question 9 is not 0, please seek help immediately. This is a known marker for suicide.

        0 – 4 Depression Severity-None, Treatment-None

        5 – 9 Depression Severity-Mild, Watchful waiting; repeat PHQ-9 at follow-up

        10 – 14 Depression Severity-Moderate, Treatment plan, considering counseling, follow-up and/or pharmacotherapy

        15 – 19 Depression Severity-Moderately Severe, Active treatment with pharmacotherapy and/or psychotherapy

        20 – 27 Severe Immediate initiation of pharmacotherapy and, if severe impairment or poor response to therapy, expedited referral to a mental health specialist for psychotherapy and/or collaborative management

      ~ http://www.phqscreeners.com/instructions/instructions.pdf

      ~ http://www.phqscreeners.com/

  • PHQ-15 Physical Symptoms [Patient Health Questionnaire]
    • 1. Stomach pain
    • 2. Back pain
    • 3. Pain in your arms, legs, or joints (knees, hips, etc.)
    • 4. Menstrual cramps or other problems with your periods WOMEN ONLY
    • 5. Headaches
    • 6. Chest pain
    • 7. Dizziness
    • 8. Fainting spells
    • 9. Feeling your heart pound or race
    • 10. Shortness of breath
    • 11. Pain or problems during sexual intercourse
    • l2. Constipation, loose bowels, or diarrhea
    • 13. Nausea, gas, or indigestion
    • 14. Feeling tired or having low energy
    • 15. Trouble sleeping
    • Scoring:
      • This is calculated by assigning scores of 0, 1, and 2 to the response categories of ―not at all, ―bothered a little, and ―bothered a lot,
  • Cases:
    • Case #1-Sheri, GAF Score: 63-83
      • Sheri is a 47 year old African American female with Borderline Personality Disorder. She has a history of substance abuse. She has a long history of crisis contacts, mostly around her depression and relationship issues. She entered a Dialectical Behavioral Program about a year ago. Since that time, she has had only one crisis contact and no self-abusive behaviors. Sheri broke up with her boyfriend about six months ago and has been single ever since. She has been in a women’s support group for the past five months. She has maintained a job for the past 18 months and is seen as an “excellent waitress.” She says that, aside from some minor conflicts with her sister, her life is going well in all areas.
    • Case #2-Chia, GAF Score: 51-70
      • Chia is a 68-year-old Asian woman who is diagnosed with Schizophrenia. She entered mental health services 18 months ago when her family could no longer manage her behavior. An Asian Mental Health Specialist has been working with Chia and her family to understand the biological basis of her disorder. The specialist also included a spiritual leader from their community to assist with the process. Chia is stable on her medications and has been participating in activities in the Asian community with her family for the past few months.
    • Case #Victor, GAF Score: 2-16
      • Victor is a 48-year-old Caucasian male who had his leg amputated while serving in Vietnam. He is diagnosed with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder and Paranoia. Victor has had suicidal ideation since his time in the service. His family lives in the Midwest and he has not had any contact with them for over five years. He is currently homeless and was released 3 days ago from a 8-day psychiatric hospitalization after a serious suicide attempt. He has been using drugs and alcohol for the past three days and is threatening suicide again.
    • Case #3-Marie, GAF Score: 31-41
      • Marie is a 35 year-old Hispanic female living in a rural agricultural community. She has been diagnosed with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder and Psychosis. She has auditory and olfactory hallucinations. Marie lived with her father after two failed marriages, both involving domestic violence. Her father is an elderly migrant farm worker who cannot care for her any longer. She was recently discharged from a 21-day community hospitalization. Marie is tentatively stable in her Section 8 housing with a caregiver in her home 6 hours daily to assist with chores and meals. She is sporadically attending the local day treatment program.
    • Case #4-Robert, GAF Score: 13-33
      • Robert is a 71 year-old Caucasian male with a full-scale IQ of 83. He is obese, incontinent, and suffers from esophageal reflux, which causes him to choke. He has Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder from severe sexual and physical abuse by his alcoholic stepfather. He is unable to maintain his own hygiene and needs assistance with his ADLs. Robert has been getting increasingly agitated and verbally aggressive towards his new male in-home caregiver.
    • Case #5-Jake, GAF Score: 15-35
      • Jake is a 20 year-old Caucasian male who had his first psychotic break last year. He is diagnosed as Schizophrenic but has refused medications. His grandparents are currently paying for his apartment. Jake smokes marijuana 4-7 times a week. He had enrolled in the auto-body program at the local community college but is being dropped from registration due to poor attendance. The majority of his thinking revolves around delusions regarding government conspiracies. Jake has no friends and spends most of his time camping up in the woods.
    • Case #6-Rick, GAF Score: 43
      • Rick is a 54 year-old, African-American, male with a diagnosis of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder with paranoid features. His onset of symptoms coincided with his service in Vietnam. Rick was married when he was 27 years old and was divorced just over a year later. He has dated sporadically, but has not had a relationship in 8 years. He lives in a trailer on his parent’s property. His parents are supportive and set clear boundaries. They are also supporting his 92 year-old grandmother and are having a difficult time with Rick’s level of stress and anxiety. Rick is resistant to mental health services. He just lost the factory job he had obtained six weeks ago. He has a meeting next week with the Division of Vocational Rehabilitation.
    • Case #7-Geraldo, GAF Score: 59-79
      • Geraldo is a 52 year-old Mexican male. He was raised in Mexico, his mother died when he was 3 years old and he left home at 9 years-old to escape his abusive father. He is diagnosed with Paranoid Personality Disorder. He is medication compliant and works successfully at his own local landscaping business. He is divorced but has frequent visits with his 14 year-old daughter.
    • Case #8-Rebecca, GAF Score: 67
      • Rebecca is a 23 year-old Asian American female. She is currently diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder. From 11-17 years old, she was psychiatric hospitalized on five occasions due to suicide attempts. She is currently employed at the local mall, is returning to the University next semester, and has been dating her current boyfriend for over six months. Rebecca reports this is the most stable her life has been since she can remember. She also acknowledges a low level of anxiety and depression as the structure and stability continues.
    • Case #9-Abby, GAF Score: 38-58
      • Abby is a 29 year-old Caucasian female. She is bulimic with a history of hospitalizations. She is also diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder and Generalized Anxiety Disorder. Abby has a 13 year-old daughter whom her parents adopted ten years ago. Her apartment is not very well kept, she is isolating from her family and friends, and her job is in jeopardy due to her frequent absences.
    • Case #10-Ted, GAF Score: 39-59
      • Ted is a 52-year-old Caucasian male with Schizoaffective Disorder. He had a severe decompensation four years ago where he attempted to stab a County Designated Mental Health Professional who was evaluating him for involuntary detention to a state hospital. He was just released from the Legal Offender Unit of the state hospital six months ago. Ted is in a supported housing placement since his release and is stable on his medications. He is seeing his outpatient psychiatrist monthly for medication management and has been attending a day treatment program for the past month. Ted’s thinking is relatively clear. He reports no significant relationships outside of the contact and support he receives from his mother and brother. He also notes a low level of depression and a general lack of interest in daily activities.
    • Case #11-Delia, GAF Score: 47-67
      • Delia is a 64 year-old Caucasian woman with Paranoid Personality Disorder. She was discharged eight months ago after two years in the state psychiatric hospital. She was placed in a supported living home with four other women. In the past two months, Delia has learned the bus system and goes shopping and on outings several times a week. Her children are shocked by her improved functioning and her granddaughter is visiting her every Sunday. In the next few weeks, Delia and her roommate will join the local senior center.
    • Case #12-Jared, GAF Score: 57-77
      • Jared is a 26 year old Caucasian male who has been deaf since birth. He spent most of his childhood and adolescents living at a school for the deaf. His mother later learned he had been physically, emotionally, and sexually abused at the boarding school. He has been diagnosed with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder and Atypical Psychosis. He is currently stable on medication, he is receiving mental health services with the assistance of an interpreter, and has his own apartment. Although he still feels stressed in social situations, he wants to prepare to enroll in the local community college.
    • Case #13-Melinda, GAF Score: 33-53
      • Melinda is a 43 year-old Native American female. She has been diagnosed with Schizoaffective Disorder and is borderline Mildly Mentally Retarded. She reports a long history of sexual abuse. For the past several weeks she has been making allegations of sexual abuse by staff at her housing facility. The allegations have been proven to be unsubstantiated. She has medical issues with diabetes and a hyperthyroid condition but is medically stable.
    • Case #14-Thom, GAF Score: 19-39
      • Thom is a 36 year-old Caucasian male with Psychosis. He has severe and chronic delusions that revolve around religious and somatic themes. Thom has been incarcerated many times with various assault charges, the most recent being life-threatening to the victim. His mother has been very supportive throughout the years and has been a strong advocate for Thom. He was released from jail to a community placement two weeks ago. His psychiatrist says that his mediations are stable. Thom does not like the facility he is residing in. He is maintaining, but in becoming increasingly agitated. His case manager is visiting him daily and researching other housing options. Thom said he is “coping okay” but wants to move out as soon as possible. He is not capable of working at this point in time.
    • Case #15-Frances, GAF Score: 9-19
      • Frances is a 51 year-old Hispanic/Native American female with Schizophrenia – paranoid type. From 1967, she was hospitalized 19 times over ten years. When she decompensates, she becomes psychotic and very assaultive. She currently lives in a congregate care facility. Historically, her placement has been in jeopardy with her frequent disruptions. Her medications were adjusted again 2 months ago and she has been more aggressive and recently assaulted her roommate with her dinner tray and had to be restrained.
    • Case #16-Alice, GAF Score: 27-47
      • Alice is an 85 year-old African American woman who lives in an older adult housing complex. She has been diagnosed with Delusional Disorder – persecutory type. Alice has always struggled with medication noncompliance. Her delusions historically have been fixed on people poisoning her food. Alice is becoming increasingly more agitated, is isolating, and her weight has noticeably dropped again over the past two weeks.
    • Case #17-Colin, GAF Score: 35-55
      • Colin is a 31 year-old Caucasian male. He lived with his family until he was 26 years old. There was a long history of domestic violence in his home growing up. Five months after he moved out, his mother passed away. Colin has a history of substance abuse and schizophrenia. He has been medication compliant for the last several years and is currently in substance abuse treatment, though he is early in his recovery process. Colin struggles with his hygiene issues and has been unable to hold a job. He spends some time with his father but really wants to develop more peer relationships and a normal social life
    • Case #18-Kim, GAF Score: 20-40
      • Kim is a 31 year old Caucasian female with Major Depression. She has a history of heavy alcohol abuse and has been in inpatient chemical dependency treatment programs. Her family of origin has a long history of mental illness and chemical dependency on both sides. She is currently in a co-dependent relationship with an abusive boyfriend. Kim’s mother tries to support her, but is regularly involved in heavy alcohol use. Kim is on the verge of losing another job and is expressing suicidal ideation, but has agreed to a “no harm” contract.
    • Case #19-Sam, GAF Score: 40-60
      • Sam is a 42 year old Caucasian male with Schizophrenia, paranoid type. He has had a history of disappearing for months at a time since his late teens. He has several assault charges for Domestic Violence with a series of girlfriends. He was on probation and was released 2 months ago after completing all of the court requirements. Sam is currently in recovery and is actively participating in AA meetings. Sam is stabilizing with his compliance to his medication regimen. He continues to maintain contact with his ex-probation officer and several staff at the state psychiatric hospital. He is trying to get a job but has not had any response back at this point.
  • GAF Quick Guide [Excel Version]
  • GAF Quick Guide [.pdf Version]
  • Compiled By:
    • Rigel Arcayan
    • blindcaveman.wordpress.com

MindMap-Field Notes

MindMap-Field Notes

  • Why Field Notes
    • To gain insights
    • To learn from experience
    • To document life
  • Contents
    • Date, Time and Place of observation
    • Specific facts, numbers, details of what happened
    • Sensory impression: sights, sounds, textures, smells, taste
    • Personal responses
    • Specific words, phrases, summaries of conversation
    • Questions about people or behaviors
    • Page Number
  • 4 Major Parts
    • 1. Jotting down brief words
    • 2. Detailed description
    • 3. Analysis of what you learned
    • 4. Reflection of what you learned

MindMap-FaultTree-Unhappiness

MindMap-FaultTree-Unhappiness

  • 2. The lust of the eyes
    • after unlawful objects

      may design unchaste [immoral] and lascivious [driven by lust] looks

      eyes full of adultery, and whereby adultery is committed

      may intend a sinful curiosity of seeing vain sights, and shows, with which the eye of man is never satisfied

      the sin of covetousness

      the objects of which are visible things gold, silver, houses,lands, possessions

      which sin is drawn forth and cherished by the eyes

      indeed a covetous man has little more satisfaction than the beholding his substance with his eyes

      which he takes much sinful pleasure

      Failure Effect: Going after vain and empty things

      • going after vain and empty things
      • looking
      • being in the wrong place
      • doing something you are not suppose to do
        • broken relationship
        • health problems
        • complicated relationship
        • loss of opportunities
        • loss of job
        • loss of friends
        • loss of spouse
        • eyes of men are never satisfied
          • unsatisfied
            • unhappiness
  • 3. The pride of life
    • ambition of honor,
    • ambition of places
    • ambition of high titles, as in the Scribes and Pharisees
    • ambition of grand living
    • living in a luxurious and pompous manner [Puffed up with vanity]
    • in rich diet
    • costly apparel
    • having fine seats
    • having palaces and stately buildings
    • craving for numerous attendance [LAM Syndrome, look at me]
    • Failure Effect: Going after pride
      • produces vanity and vexation of spirit
      • waste resources
      • waste effort
      • waste time
      • missed opportunities
      • lost opportunities
      • encounter many difficulties in the process
        • unable to obtain wants
          • unsatisfied
            • unhappiness
  • 1. The lust of the flesh
    • the corruption of nature
    • the fountain of all sin
    • indwelling sin, the flesh
    • corrupt principle which lusts against the Spirit
    • various lusts of the flesh, fleshly lusts, which war against the soul
    • also called worldly lusts
    • a lust of the body
    • the lust of uncleanness
    • all unchaste/immoral desires
    • promiscuous thoughts
    • impure words
    • unethical actions
    • fornication
    • adultery
    • rape
    • incest
    • sodomy
    • all unnatural lusts
    • unnecessary eating
    • drinking
    • gluttony
    • drunkenness
    • excess of wine
    • Indulge (one’s appetite) to satiety
    • rioting-state of disorder involving group violence
    • reveling-celebrate noisily, often indulging in drinking
    • engage in uproarious festivities
    • all the sensual pleasures of life
    • gratification of the carnal mind and the lusts of it
    • Failure Effect: Going after the flesh
      • being in the wrong place
      • drawn to sin/temptations
      • the body is dishonored
      • sickness/disease
      • mental anguish
      • soul is destroyed
      • doing something you are not suppose to do
        • broken relationship
        • health problems
        • complicated relationship
        • loss of opportunities
        • loss of job
        • loss of friends
        • loss of spouse
        • wound, dishonor and reproach brought on the character
          • unsatisfied
            • unhappiness

MindMap-FaultTreeAnalysis

MindMap-FaultTreeAnalysis

  • 1. Identify the objective for the FTA.
    • phrased in terms of a failure of the system to be analyzed
    • characterize mission failure
  • 2. Define the top event of the FT.
    • the event for which the failure causes will be resolved
    • defines the failure mode of the system
  • 3. Define the scope of the FTA.
    • the scope must be defined
    • indicates which of the failure and contributors will be included/not included
    • includes boundary conditions for the analysis
      • initial states of components
      • assumed inputs
      • the system to be analyzed
      • modes of operation
      • interfaces to other systems
  • 4. Define the resolution of the FTA.
    • detailed cause of failure
    • example: faiure to operate-elaborate on this
    • identify major component
    • identify major component and failure
  • 5. Define ground rules for the FTA.
    • define ground rules
    • procedures and nomenclature
    • modeling ground rules
      • component failure
      • human error
      • common cause of failure
  • 6. Construct the FT.
    • actual construction of the fault tree
  • 7. Evaluate the FT.
    • evaluate each basic event
    • be quantitative if available
  • 8. Interpret and present the results.
    • test the fault tree
    • must provide tangible impication such as a fix

MindMap-Educational Psychology

MindMap-Educational Psychology

  • About The Book
  • Generative Teaching Model
    • To teach students that learning with understanding is a generative (active) process.

      To teach students that success in school begins with a belief in themselves, in their abilities, and in the value of effort.

      To teach students to attend to the processes of constructing meanings for instruction and for subject matter.

      To teach students to generate meaning for what they are studying. Teachers can do this by first learning what models, preconceptions, learning strategies, attitudes, and beliefs the students possess that are relevant to what the teachers are trying to teach; designing instruction that will enable the students to generate relationships among subject-matter concepts and between their models, knowledge, etc. (from Step a) and subject matter; and teaching students metacognitive or self-control strategies that are useful for directing their own cognitive and affective thought processes.

  • 8 Phases of Learning
    • 1. Attention: Alertness
      • learning is not likely to occur in the absence of attention. Attention is essential for getting information into the working memory and keeping it active there. Therefore, the first phase in the learning process is that the learner must focus attention on the learning activity. Although this is listed as the “first phase,” attention must be maintained throughout the other phases as well
    • 2. Expectancy
      • During this phase, the learner develops an expectancy that something desirable will happen as a result of the proposed learning process. The result is a motivation to engage in the subsequent phases of the learning process.
    • 3. Retrieval to Working Memory
      • Retrieval of Relevant Information to Working Memory. The learner retrieves from long-term memory the structures that will be helpful in learning new information or solving problems that have been encountered.
    • 4. Selective Perception
      • Selective Perception. During this phase the learner focuses attention on the essential features of the instructional presentation. It is not always possible for teachers to ascertain by simple inspection where students are focusing attention; and learners often fail to learn because they have focused on the wrong information. Failures at this selective perception can occur either because the presentation inadequately draws attention, because the learner fails to direct attention, or because of a combination of both of these reasons. A frequent source of faulty selective perception is a fundamental misconception about the topic under consideration: the learner may think he/she is focusing on the correct information, when in reality this is a mistake.
    • 5. Encoding: Entry to LTM
      • Entry of Information into Long-Term Storage. During this phase the learner encodes the information – that is, transfers the information into longterm memory by relating it to information that is already stored there.
    • 6. Responding
      • During this phase the learner retrieves and actively uses the information that has been stored in long-term memory. The learner demonstrates through an active performance that the learning has taken place.
    • 7. Feedback
      • During this phase the learner determines the degree to which the performance during the previous phase was satisfactory. When the feedback indicates acceptable performance, this usually serves as reinforcement to the learner. Students who evaluate themselves negatively or extrinsically are likely to develop an orientation toward extrinsic motivation, which is likely to interfere with achievement.
    • 8. Cueing Retrieval
      • During this phase the learner practices recalling or applying the information after it has been initially learned in order to enhance retention of the information or to transfer the learning beyond its original context to a new application.
  • Examples of Failures
    • Student ignores teacher.
    • Student is falling asleep.
    • Teacher doesn’t specify objectives
    • Student’s culture doesn’t value stated goal.
    • Student not ready to receive information from lesson.
    • Attention deficit disorder causes failure to attend.
    • Discipline problems cause distractions.
    • Teacher or materials fail to direct attention.
    • Student fails to encode.
    • Student’s background does not supply necessary structures.
    • Student’s misconception causes faulty acquisition.
    • Student fails to practice a skill or concept.
    • Subsequent information interferes with earlier learning.
    • Learning disability interferes with response
    • It’s unrealistic to expect learner to perform.
    • Teacher fails to provide feedback.
    • Student doesn’t recognize or like feedback.
    • Student receives no direction from feedback.
    • Student gets feedback on wrong task.
    • Student cannot find key to trigger recall.
    • Student learns, but then forgets
    • Student is restricted to original context.
    • Student relies on rote memory rather than understanding.
  • Solutions for Failures
    • Change stimuli.
    • Call for attention.
    • Increase level of arousal
    • State objectives.
    • Employ principles of motivation.
    • Understand culture and individual differences.
    • Review prerequisite knowledge.
    • Teach missing skills
    • Treat disorder.
    • Use effective management and discipline techniques.
    • Use Media to direct attention.
    • Use long-term memory strategies.
    • Teach culture or adapt to student’s culture.
    • Confront and clarify misconceptions.
    • Provide practice opportunities, wait time, learning probes, etc.
    • Prevent retroactive interference.
    • Treat disability.
    • Have a model perform the behavior and receive feedback
    • Provide feedback.
    • Teach self regulation.
    • Make sure reinforcement is reinforcing.
    • Use corrective feedback – not just negative feedback.
    • Make sure tests are valid.
    • Use distributed practice.
    • Use overlearning.
    • Use variety of examples during instruction.
    • Teach metacognitive strategies.
  • Ignoring the developmental levels of learners
    • Mathematics
      • children simply memorize and misapply algorithms instead of understanding the process
    • Science
      • most science textbooks abound with concepts that are too abstract for their intended audiences, absolutely all major science organizations and nearly all science educators vehemently preach against such nonsense
    • Discipline
      • teachers or parents continue to use these techniques long past the time when the children have developed the appropriate cognitive structures to deal with their behavior problems in a more mature way. With self-discipline, as with any other type of learning, it is important to take into consideration the existing structures and the level of thinking of which the child is capable
    • Behavior Modification
      • As cognitive structures and levels of thinking change, learners will revise what they consider to be pleasant or unpleasant situations. Many educators make the mistake of over-generalizing what they think they know about consequences that will reinforce or punish the learners they deal with.
    • Motivation
      • An important aspect of modern motivation theory is that learners devise attributions for pleasant and unpleasant consequences that follow their behavior. What learners assimilate and accommodate from their environment influences their attributions, and hence their motivation. For example, a child who possesses a cognitive structure of himself as “bad at arithmetic” may assimilate a simple high grade on a paper as an indication of luck. On the other hand, if the grade were accompanied by feedback specifically tailored to that child, this may lead to an accommodation that may revise this negative cognitive structure and lead to higher levels of motivation
    • Early Education
      • Parents and educators are mistakenly taking childhood away from children. They are removing play from preschool and early education experiences and emphasizing academic topics instead. While this pressure toward academic achievement may initially sound beneficial, it could actually backfire – not only by causing emotional stress (as many people suspect) but also by making it less likely that young children will lay the proper foundation of cognitive structures for subsequent academic growth. In other words, the active involvement inherent in play enables children to assimilate numerous objects, ideas, and activities into their existing structures and to make appropriate accommodations to form new schemata. Reducing opportunities for play may result in either very few cognitive structures available for future use or very superficial structures that have been applied to very few concrete examples.
  • Development of Social Skill
    • learners must also develop social and affective skills.

      social skills enable students to get along together

      to communicate ideas

      inappropriate communication and lack of social skills were the most frequently cited reasons for failure of persons with mental retardation to obtain, perform, and maintain good jobs

  • Models of social knowledge acquisition
    • Environmental
      • cultures, sanctions, other environmental factors
    • Physiological
      • short attention span would get different information
    • Information Processing
      • encoding of social information
    • Social Knowledge
      • influence and be influenced by what he/she already knows
    • Motivation
  • What Moves You? p271
    • 1. If you can pass a simple, ten-item, multiple-choice test at the end of this chapter, we’ll refund the entire cost of this textbook – and let you keep it besides!

      2. If you can pass a simple ten-item multiple-choice test at the end of this chapter, you’re about average.

      3. If you cannot pass a simple ten-item multiple-choice test at the end of this chapter, you’re really pretty stupid.

      4. If you can understand and apply the principles discussed in this chapter, you’ll be able to motivate your students more effectively.

      5. If you can understand and apply the principles discussed in this chapter, you’ll be able to motivate those students who have been thus far so impervious to your efforts.

      6. If you cannot understand and apply the principles discussed in this chapter, you’ll never really be much good as a teacher.

      7. This chapter includes humor and some very practical examples.

  • Motivation
    • getting someone moving

      motivation is concerned with the factors that stimulate or inhibit the desire to engage in a behavior

      motivation is strongest when the urge to engage in a behavior arises from within the learner rather than from outside pressures

      The will to learn is an intrinsic motive, one that finds both its source and its reward in its own exercise

      The will to learn becomes a “problem” only under specialized circumstances like those of a school, where a curriculum is set, students are confined, and a path fixed. The problems exist not so much in learning itself, but in the fact that what the school imposes often fails to enlist the natural energies that sustain spontaneous learning…

      extrinsic motivators may lead to merely short-range activity while actually reducing long-range interest in a topic.

      it is essential that extrinsic motivators be backed up by intrinsic motivators or that the extrinsic motivation become internalized

      if this does not happen, the result is likely to be a reduction in the very behavior we want to promote.

      intrinsic motivation-what people will do without external inducement

      intrinsic motivation-will engage for no reward other the interest and enjoyment

  • Factors that promotes intrinsic motivation
    • Challenge
      • People are best motivated when they are working toward personally meaningful goals whose attainment requires activity at a continuously optimal (intermediate) level of difficulty.
        • Set personally meaningful goals.
        • Make attainment of goals probable but uncertain.
        • Give enroute performance feedback.
        • Relate goals to learners’ self esteem.
    • Curiosity
      • Something in the physical environment attracts the learner’s attention or there is an optimal level of discrepancy between present knowledge or skills and what these could be if the learner engaged in some activity.
        • Stimulate sensory curiosity by making abrupt changes that will be perceived by the senses.

          Stimulate cognitive curiosity by making a person wonder about something (i.e., stimulate the learner’s interest).

    • Control
      • People have a basic tendency to want to control what happens to them.
        • Make clear the cause-and-effect relationships between what students are doing and things that happen in real life.

          Enable the learners to believe that their work will lead to powerful effects.

          Allow learners to freely choose what they want to learn and how they will learn it.

    • Fantasy
      • Learners use mental images of things and situations that are not actually present to stimulate their behavior.
        • Make a game out of learning.
        • Help learners imagine themselves using the learned information in real- life settings.
        • Make the fantasies intrinsic rather than extrinsic.
    • Competition
      • Learners feel satisfaction by comparing their performance favorably to that of others.
        • Competition occurs naturally as well as artificially.
        • Competition is more important for some people than for others.
        • People who lose at competition often suffer more than the winners profit.
        • Competition sometimes reduces the urge to be helpful to other learners.
    • Cooperation
      • Learners feel satisfaction by helping others achieve their goals.
        • Cooperation occurs naturally as well as artificially.
        • Cooperation is more important for some people than for others.
        • Cooperation is a useful real-life skill.
        • Cooperation requires and develops interpersonal skills.
    • Recognition
      • Learners feel satisfaction when others recognize and appreciate their accomplishments.
        • Recognition requires that the process or product or some other result of the learning activity be visible.

          Recognition differs from competition in that it does not involve a comparison with the performance of someone else.

  • Reinforcement and Punishment
    • 1. It is far better to use intrinsic (natural) rather than extrinsic (artificial) reinforcement and punishment. This is because intrinsic, natural reinforcers will always be available to learners, whereas extrinsic, artificial consequences may disappear once the learner leaves the instructional setting.

      2. When natural reinforcers are not available, it is often necessary to use artificial consequences to motivate learners. But when artificial, extrinsic motivation is employed, it should always be backed up by natural, intrinsic motivation. Otherwise, the motivation is likely to be only temporary, and the long-range impact may be an actual loss of motivation.

      3. Only consequences that the learner himself or herself perceives to be reinforcing will motivate that learner.

      4. There are numerous incentives and consequences competing for a learner’s attention at any given time. The factors that the learner perceives to have the strongest combined influence will usually determine the learner’s course of action.

      5. Many of the factors that motivate students lie largely beyond the direct control of the teacher and others in the educational system.

  • Affective Components of Motivation
    • People will engage more often and more eagerly in behaviors related to topics, people, and events toward which they have approach tendencies.

      People will engage more often and more eagerly in behaviors related to topics. people, and events that have high positive valence.

      People will engage more often and more eagerly in behaviors related to topics. people, and events regarding which they have positive attitudes.

  • Physical Aspects of Motivation
    • Motivation is not entirely a psychological concept. In addition to an intellectual and emotional interest, a person’s tendency to engage in a behavior is at least partially determined by the person’s physiological state

      A major physiological factor is level of arousal, which refers to the overall readiness of the human organism to engage in activity.

      Increase Levels of Arousal

      • 1. introduce topics in an interesting manner;

        2. use humor during lectures;

        3. avoid talking in a monotone;

        4. encourage numerous different students to participate in class discussions;

        5. call on students in an unpredictable rather than predetermined order;

        6. raise questions to which students are eager to learn or discover answers;

        7. vary the style or order of presentation – avoid doing everything in thesame order every day;

        8. give tests or quizzes at appropriate intervals, so that students feel constantly accountable for what they learn;

        9. move around the room rather than standing stiffly behind a podium;

        10. give breaks during long class sessions

      Decrease Levels of Arousal

      • 1. talk in a monotone;

        2. lecture from a text of which the students already have an exact copy;

        3. give the entire presentation themselves, without letting anyone ask questions or contribute insights;

        4. do the same thing in the same order every day;

        5. skip breaks when students need them;

        6. give students the impression that they will not be held accountable for their learning until some time in the vaguely distant future.

      Factors Affecting the Levels of Arousal

      • Eating, too much sugar can raise the levels of arousal too high to learn effectively
      • Sleeping habits can interfere the levels of arousal
        • too much tv viewing
        • students have to work, less sleep
        • students has to commute in long hours
        • neighborhood is too noisy
      • Evening classes, teachers are already tired of teaching
      • Weather, summer is too hot and winter is too cold
      • Classroom furniture is uncomfortable, provokes fatigue or too comfortable-induces sleep

      White Line Fever in the classroom

      • 1. Sit in the front of the classroom. This has a couple of benefits:
        • Being right under the eyes of the teacher is likely to stimulate your urge to stay alert.
        • You won’t be able to see the other students behind you, whose drowsiness could become contagious.

        2. Ask questions during class (or answer them).

        3. If the teacher reads directly from the book, don’t read it yourself prior to the class.

        4. Take notes.

        5. Find something interesting to do. Play a game, if necessary, by focusing partly on the teacher’s mannerisms.

        6. Sit near an open window. Brush the snow off your desk, if necessary.

        7. Stretch your legs once in a while to get the blood circulating.

        8. Avoid any of the following:

        • sitting near other students who are likely to give external signs of their own low level of arousal.

          focusing on the teacher’s most hypnotic mannerisms.

          ingesting food or drinks that induce relaxation.

          sitting in a seat that is too comfortable (if there are any such seats in your classroom).

          sitting in a seat that is very uncomfortable (an uncomfortable seat can raise level of arousal for a short class, but fatigue will lower your level of arousal during a long session).

        9. Most importantly, try to find something interesting about the subject matter. Then you can rely on yourself and the subject matter (instead of the teacher) to stimulate your level of arousal.

  • Cognitive Aspect of Motivation
    • teachers should make important ideas as interesting as possible
    • contain surprising information,
    • are related to personal goals of the readers, and
    • contain human interest elements.
  • Needs and Motivation
    • Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs
      • Basic Needs
        • Physiological needs-food, clothing, shelter, water
        • Safety needs
        • Belonging
        • Self esteem
      • Growth Needs
        • Need to know and understand
        • Aesthetic needs
        • Self-actualization needs

      Human behavior is stimulated by the urge to satisfy basic and growth needs

      Maslow lists four basic needs and three growth needs

      These needs are hierarchical

      lower level needs must be at least temporarily satisfied before learners can be motivated by higher needs.

      • a hungry person is not likely to be motivated by esteem needs

        a person with very low self esteem is not likely to be motivated by the need to know and understand.

        a child whose parents are going through a painful divorce is likely to feel oppressed by esteem needs, belongingness and love needs, and even safety needs that are likely to be more important than the ordinary classroom motivations

      Basic needs are essential to physical and psychological well-being.

      Once these needs are satisfied, the motivation to satisfy them diminishes, or even vanishes for a while.

      Growth needs, on the other hand, can never be satisfied completely.

      When these needs are partly fulfilled, the need to fulfill them may become even greater.

      Needs related to personality development and self-actualization

      Strategies for dealing withe needs

      • 1. Understand these needs as thoroughly as possible and either work around them or take them into consideration when developing motivational strategies and lesson plans.
        • For example, by knowing that a child feels threatened by gangs in his neighborhood and understanding the severity of the child’s concern about safety, a teacher can be more empathetic toward that child and better able to help him learn, even though the teacher is unable to alleviate the child’s obsessive concern about safety.

        2. Help satisfy these needs. This is the logic behind giving breakfasts and lunches to hungry students. In some cases, it is impossible to satisfy the need completely, but a partial solution may still enable the student to be motivated by higher motives.

        • For example, if a teacher or school system can make the classroom a truly safe and secure place, then a child who has sincere and serious concerns about his safety outside the school can still have his safety needs temporarily satisfied within the walls of the school and be motivated by higher needs while in school.

        3. Show how learning the subject matter of school can help satisfy the learner’s needs.

        • If hungry people can learn to grow food, this will satisfy an important need. A child whose safety is threatened will be motivated to learn verbal skills if she believes that these skills will enable her to escape from or avoid the dangers that lurk in her environment.
  • Self-Efficacy
    • Self-Efficacy
      • Efficacy-Capacity or power to produce a desired effect

        People are likely to engage in activities to the extent that they perceive themselves to be competent at those activities. With regard to education, this means that learners will be more likely to attempt, to persevere, and to be successful at tasks at which they have a sense of efficacy.

        When learners fail, this may occur because they lack the skills to succeed or because they have the skills but lack the sense of efficacy to use these skills well.

    • Factors that are likely to reduce students’ feelings of positive selfefficacy:
      • 1. lock-step sequences of instruction that may cause some children to get lost along the way,
      • 2. ability groupings that further diminish the self-efficacy of those in lower ranks, and
      • 3. competitive practices in which many students are doomed to failure from the start.
    • Increase Self-Efficacy
      • 1. helping learners set specific, attainable goals;

        2. modeling cognitive strategies that include statements of self-efficacy;

        3. helping the students focus feedback on the successful application of effort to achieve useful subskills;

        4. supplying positive incentives; and

        5. encouraging students to verbalize effective task strategies.

  • Attribution Theory
    • Attribution-Assigning some quality or character to a person or thing; assigning to a cause

      emphasizes the idea that learners are strongly motivated by the pleasant outcome of being able to feel good about themselves

      it emphasizes that learners’ current self-perceptions will strongly influence the ways in which they will interpret the success or failure of their current efforts and hence their future tendency to perform these same behaviors

      the explanations that people tend to make to explain success or failure can be analyzed in terms of three sets of characteristics:

      Attribution Theory Explanations:

      • 1. the cause of the success or failure may be internal or external. That is, we may succeed or fail because of factors that we believe have their origin within us or because of factors that originate in our environment.

        2. the cause of the success or failure may be either stable or unstable. If the we believe cause is stable, then the outcome is likely to be the same if we perform the same behavior on another occasion. If it is unstable, the outcome is likely to be different on another occasion.

        3. the cause of the success or failure may be either controllable or uncontrollable. A controllable factor is one which we believe we ourselves can alter if we wish to do so. An uncontrollable factor is one that we do not believe we can easily alter.

      An internal/external factor can be

      • 1. controllable (we can control our effort by trying harder) or

        2. uncontrollable (most people cannot easily change their basic intellectual ability or change from being an introvert to being an extrovert).

        3. external factor can be controllable (a person failing a difficult course could succeed by taking an easier course) or uncontrollable (if calculus is difficult because it is abstract, it will still be abstract no matter what we do).

      An important assumption of attribution theory is that people will interpret their environment in such a way as to maintain a positive self-image.

      They will attribute their successes or failures to factors that will enable them to feel as good as possible about themselves.

      When learners succeed at an academic task, they are likely to want to attribute this success to their own efforts or abilities

      When they fail, they will want to attribute their failure to factors over which they have no control, such as bad teaching or bad luck.

      The basic principle of attribution theory as it applies to motivation is that a person’s own perceptions or attributions for success or failure determine the amount of effort the person will expend on that activity in the future.

      4 Factors Related to attribution theory

      • 1. Ability is a relatively internal and stable factor over which the learner does not exercise much direct control.

        2. Task difficulty is an external and stable factor that is largely beyond the learner’s control.

        3. Effort is an internal and unstable factor over which the learner can exercise a great deal of control.

        4. Luck is an external and unstable factor over which the learner exercises very little control.

      Students will be most persistent at academic tasks under the following circumstances:

      • 1. if they attribute their academic successes to either:
        • internal, unstable, factors over which they have control (e.g., effort)

          internal, stable, factors over which they have little control but which may sometimes be disrupted by other factors (e.g., ability disrupted by occasional bad luck); and

        2. if they attribute their failures to internal, unstable factors over which they have control (e.g., effort).

      Motivation Guidelines

      • 1. If we want students to persist at academic tasks, we should help them establish a sincere belief that they are competent and that occasional imperfections or failures are the result of some other factor (such as bad luck or a lack of sufficient effort) that need not be present on future occasions.

        2. It is not beneficial for students to attribute their successes entirely to ability. If they think they already have all the ability they need, they may feel that additional effort is superfluous. The ideal attribution for success is, “I succeeded because I am a competent person and worked hard.”

        3. When students fail, they are most likely to persist and eventually succeed if they attribute their failure to a lack of appropriate effort. Therefore, it is extremely important that when students perceive themselves as unsuccessful teachers help them develop the conviction that they can still succeed if they give it their best shot. (Note that it is important to define effort appropriately, as in guideline 5.)

        4. It is extremely hazardous to motivational health for students to fail repeatedly after making a serious effort at academic tasks.

        • When this happens, they will either
          • (a) stop believing they are competent, or
          • (b) stop attributing their failure to lack of effort.

          Both of these outcomes are likely to reduce persistence at the academic tasks. It is important, therefore, to arrange tasks so that students who work hard are able to perceive themselves as successful.

        5. It is important to define effort correctly and for the learners to internalize an accurate concept of effort. In practical terms effort is most usefully defined as devoting effective academic learning time to the task. Just trying harder or spending more time doing ineffective activities does not constitute effort. It is extremely important to make this distinction. If we use another definition of effort, when we tell children that their failures are a result of a lack of effort, we run the risk of leading them to believe that they have an internal, stable characteristic called laziness, over which they have no control. This will reduce motivation. Another way to say this is that it is possible and desirable for students to believe that even though they have “worked hard,” they have not yet put forth their best effort. If we can show students ways to improve their efforts – and there are almost always ways to channel their energies more effectively – then we can enable them to have an accurate perception that increased effort is likely to pay off.

        6. Excessively competitive grading and evaluation systems are likely to impair the learning of many students. Competition will encourage students to persist only to the extent that they believe additional effort will enable them to succeed within the competitive atmosphere. In many instances, success in competition is completely beyond the learner’s control – no matter how hard a learner works, another more competent and equally energetic competitor is likely to win.

        7. It is useful to evaluate students at least partly (but not exclusively) on the basis of their effort. This does not mean that the weakest students in a class should receive the highest grades simply because they may spend more time trying to master the subject matter. Ideally, course assignments should be arranged so that diligent work actually leads to academic success, and the teacher’s evaluation should help students see this connection.

        8. In general, it is best for students to believe that it is their own behavior rather than external circumstances that leads to success or failure. Researchers refer to this as having an internal locus of control. While it is good for students to have a realistic understanding of what’s happening around them, research shows that the most successful students have a tendency to overestimate the degree to which their own behavior leads to success or failure 9. When students have a conviction that they lack ability, it is necessary to take steps to circumvent or overcome this conviction. Such students are likely to repudiate successes. For example, when they do well, they are likely to have a sincere conviction that they were “just lucky.” It is difficult to alter this conviction. Changing this conviction is tantamount to altering the learner’s self-concept, and this cannot be accomplished in a short time. There are many approaches available to teachers, including the following:

        • a. Find areas in which the learner perceives himself or herself as successful, and show connections between that area and the topic currently under consideration.

          b. Use guidelines discussed in chapter 8 to enhance the learner’s self-concept.

          c. Focus heavily on effort as the factor critical to success.

      Other Motivation Guidelines

      • 1. Learning goals are set by individuals who seek to increase their competence.
        • People who emphasize learning goals are likely to seek challenges, if they believe the challenges will lead to greater competence; and they tend to respond to failure by increasing their effort

          It is good to encourage students to set and pursue learning goals rather than performance goals.

        2. Performance goals, on the other hand, are set by individuals who seek to gain favorable judgments or to avoid unfavorable judgments in the eyes of others.

        • People who emphasize performance goals are likely to avoid challenges unless they are certain they can succeed, and they tend to respond to failure with feelings of learned helplessness and self-handicapping

          It is often undesirable to emphasize performance goals; but schools, parents, and society often overemphasize them to the detriment of learners.

        3. Learned helplessness refers to the expectation, based on previous experience, that one’s actions cannot possibly lead to success.

        • Performance goals are much more likely than learning goals to lead to ability rather than effort attributions and to result in feelings of learned helplessness.

          Recommend encouraging students to focus primarily on learning goals, while keeping performance goals in perspective by enjoying recognition without letting it become an overriding concern.

          Teachers can accomplish this by focusing on learning rather than normative comparisons when reinforcing students

        4. Self-handicapping occurs when learners create impediments that make good performance less likely.

        • Impediments
          • Something immaterial that interferes with or delays action or progress
          • Any structure that makes progress difficult

          Examples of impediments include

          • drug and alcohol use,
          • refusing to practice, study
          • reporting excessive symptoms, and reducing effort.

          These impediments may sound just plain foolish, but they are very real and actually serve to protect the person’s sense of self-competence.

          If the self-handicapping person does poorly, his explanation for this failure lies in the impediment.

          If the person does well, his success is exalted, because he overcame the impediment.

          Since the impediments interfere with learning, they have the overall effect of reducing motivation and performance.

          Self-handicapping is likely to become prominent during adolescence. Since it occurs most often among persons with an overriding concern with their competence image, this problem can best be minimized by focusing on effort attributions and by helping learners develop secure feelings of self-efficacy

          Self-handicapping may be imposed or at least supported by a learner’s culture or subculture or by the atmosphere of the school.

          For example, adolescents may handicap themselves by reducing their effort because they feel that studying hard will be viewed as an undesirable form of competition with their peers.

          Likewise, African-American students may reduce their effort because they resist conforming to the norms of the oppositional culture

        Self-Handicapping Attributions

        • Students use the principles of attribution theory itself as a means of self-handicapping.

          For example, students who think they will fail a difficult test may be inclined to refrain from studying for that test. Their thinking goes like this:

          • 1. If I study hard but fail, I will look and feel incompetent. That is, if I give my best effort and fail, everyone will know that I don’t have the ability to do well on this test.

            2. If I study hard and pass, the hard work will reduce the glory of my success. People will think I had to work hard in order to succeed. If I were really smart, I wouldn’t have to work so hard.

            3. If I don’t study but fail, I can explain this failure by noting that I haven’t even tried. If I haven’t tried, then I can have the internal assurance that I could have succeeded if I had really tried. I may fail the test, but at least no one will have evidence that I’m stupid.

            4. If I don’t study but still manage to succeed, then people will know that I’m a genius. The only explanation for my success would have to be that I have really high ability.

          This kind of reasoning is counterproductive, of course, because the objective reality is that a person who expends less effort is actually less likely to be productive.

        Expectancy-valence models

        • A person’s motivation to achieve a goal depends on a combination of the value of that goal (its valence) and the person’s estimation of the likelihood of success.

          The combination of expectancy and valence interacts with attribution theory in complex ways. For example, under certain circumstances, a high probability of success can actually reduce motivation.

          In most cases, a person will expend more effort when there is a moderate (rather than high or low) probability of success

        Self-worth theory Covington

        • Combines ideas related to self-efficacy, attribution theory, and learned helplessness.

          It focuses on the notion that people are largely motivated to do what it takes to enhance their reputation in various areas.

          Learners engage in objectively counterproductive activities such as setting goals that are far too high or too low, reducing effort, and procrastinating, in the often illusory hope that they will feel better about themselves if they refrain from putting forth their best effort and risking failure.

      Important Caution

      • 1. It is important to define effort clearly and correctly when helping students make effort attributions for their failures

        2. what we want to promote is not purely effort attributions, but rather strategic effort attributions – that is, learners need to believe that working hard in a particular way is what leads to success

        3. consistently helping students make strategic effort attributions, we can encourage them to view failures as problem solving situations in which the search for an improved strategy becomes the main focus of attention

  • Self Motivation
    • 2 Types of People
      • 1. Seeking Success
        • motivation increases following failure
        • most strongly motivated by tasks that have a medium level of difficulty
        • more likely to set realistic goals
      • 2. Avoiding Failures
        • decrease their efforts after failing at a task
        • prefer either very easy or very difficult tasks
        • set goals for themselves that are unrealistically easy or difficult
    • Self-Motivated
      • refer to students who become easily motivated to learn, without much external persuasion

        likely to be the best learners

        Self-motivation is not an innate characteristic, but rather is learned in much the same fashion as the metacognitive skills

    • Characteristics of Intrinsically versus Extrinsically Motivated Learners
      • 1. If perceived ability is low, extrinsically motivated students are more likely to quit after failure.

        2. If the task is mundane or algorithmic, the extrinsically motivated student may be superior to the intrinsically motivated student.

        3. If the task is conceptual or requires higher level thinking skills, the intrinsically motivated student is likely to be superior to the extrinsically motivated student.

        4. The intrinsically motivated student is more likely to apply effective metacognitive strategies and “deeper” study strategies.

        5. The intrinsically motivated student is more likely to select problems and subgoals of moderate difficulty, whereas the extrinsically motivated student is more likely to select the easiest problems and subgoals.

        6. The intrinsically motivated student is more likely to take risks and to explore freely.

        7. If the task is complex, the intrinsically motivated student is more likely to employ logical and efficient performance strategies.

        8. Students who have previously been extrinsically motivated to engage in a particular activity are less likely to engage in that activity when external incentives are no longer available.

        9. Intrinsically motivated students are more likely than extrinsically motivated students to be able to handle artificial rewards without experiencing negative consequences.

    • Strategies for Promoting Intrinsic Motivation
      • Control
        • Promote the learners’ sense of control over activities
          • 1. Minimize extrinsic constraints on the activity. (If an activity is of initial intrinsic interest, avoid adding superfluous extrinsic control. If an activity is of low intrinsic interest, use minimal sufficient external control.)

            1. Reduce extrinsic constraints over time. (If it is necessary to use external pressures or incentives, fade these over time.)

            2. Minimize the salience of extrinsic constraints. (Make the constraints seem logical; and embed them in the activity itself, if it is possible to do so.)

      • Challenge
        • Provide students with a continuously challenging activity.
          • 1. Help students set goals of uncertain attainment, and give feedback regarding current status of accomplishments. (Help students short-term and long-term goals at intermediate levels of difficulty. Also help students set multiple levels of goals, so that students at different levels will feel motivated and so that students can move on to new goals as they attain earlier goals. )
      • Curiosity
        • Provoke the learners’ curiosity.
          • 1. Highlight areas of inconsistency and incompleteness and focus on paradoxes or possible simplifications that will provoke the interest of the learners.

            2. Focus on activities, domains of knowledge, persons, and problems that are already of interest to the learners.

      • Contextualization
        • Highlight the functionality of the activity.
          • 1. Present the activity in a natural, interesting context.
          • 2. Present the activity in a simulation or fantasy context of interest to the student.
  • Social Aspect of Motivation
    • Human beings do not act in isolation; their behavior is often strongly influenced by their associations with other people.

      The dynamics of classroom interactions is often an important feature in student motivation.

      Classroom goal structure – the reward structure prevalent in a learning situation.

      • 1. A competitive goal structure
        • is one in which learners perceive that they will be rewarded based on comparisons with other learners.

          One person can win in a competition only if another loses.

          The goal of students in a competitive classroom is to do better than their classmates.

      • 2. An individualistic goal structure
        • is one in which learners perceive themselves as working for their own rewards.
        • In this environment, students need not be concerned about what anyone else is accomplishing.
        • Their goal is to meet the standards which they or the teacher have established.
      • 3. A cooperative goal structure
        • is one in which learners perceive that they are working together with other students to gain rewards.

          In this environment, a student’s success depends on the comparable success of other students.

          An important goal of students in a cooperative classroom is to encourage and enable other students to succeed.

      Competitive environments

      • Take advantage of the apparently natural inclination of human beings to develop and enhance their own self-esteem by comparing their own performance to that of others.

        There is considerable evidence that especially for extremely high-performing students competitive environments stimulate higher levels of learning and performance than would be likely to occur in non-competitive environments. In the field of sports, it is a truism that teams are likely to improve when their competition improves.

        The role of competition is likewise obvious in business: competitors encourage businesses to provide their best products and services.

        Competition plays a comparable role in education: many students thrive on favorable comparisons to other students.

        Schools that introduce academic competitions (e.g., science bowls) that are similar to athletic events often find that students benefit tremendously from the motivation and recognition that accompany the competition.

      Problem with competition

      • We often tend to ignore the downside. When everyone is forced to compete, losers often lose more than the winners gain.

        In sports, the losers often simply quit the team or give up the sport; in business, the losers go out of business.

        In school, the losers are often required to keep on losing. Constant exposure to failure in competitions is likely to lead to learned helplessness – an extremely debilitating form of failure avoidance (discussed earlier). Therefore, it is important to be selective in the use of competition.

      Benefits

      In spite of its downside, competition has advantages which make it desirable for at least occasional use in instructional settings. The following guidelines are useful:

      Use competition only with those students who are likely to benefit from it. In general, this means to use competition only with students who have a chance to win. However, people vary in their attitudes toward winning and losing. I know of one person who became a state racquetball champion after losing nearly all his games for two years – he simply wanted to win and felt that the best way to become good was to play good competition. Likewise, many readers know people who were willing to be last in a “good” school because they knew that this would make them more successful “in the real world. The important point is that it is improper to use competition as a motivational tool when it is likely to backfire – and consistent losses at competitions usually do weaken motivation.

      Structure the competition so that all participants have a good chance of winning. There are many ways to do this: ask different questions to people of different abilities; arrange the students in teams so that abilities even out; or introduce an element of chance into the competition.

      Have students compete against themselves rather than against other students. By evaluating students on the basis of their own personal gains, we can give everyone an opportunity to succeed. In fact, since the weakest students have the most room for improvement, this procedure can even give an advantage to the very students who are usually at a disadvantage.

      Combine competitive environments with cooperative environments in order to derive the benefits of both. Have students work together on a team to compete against other teams. If a competition will reward combined group scores on a test, then a weak student who raises his score from 60% to 80% can contribute more to a team than a strong student who raises her score from 90% to 100%. (Cite Slavin, 19xx)

      Reward effort and improvement as well as pure performance. This does not mean to reward effort and improvement instead of performance – reward effort and improvement as well as performance.

  • Motivation Pointers-Teachers
    • 1. Focus as much as possible on intrinsic rather than extrinsic factors to motivate learners.

      2. Look at motivation from the perspective of the person being motivated, not from your own or from some other perspective.

      3. Take steps to understand the motivational perspectives of learners by communicating with them, by establishing rapport, by understanding their individual and group needs, and by learning about their cultural heritage.

      4. Be aware that learners may be motivated by many goals in addition to the objectives of the instructional unit, and adjust instruction accordingly.

      5. Don’t guarantee success. Rather, make it clear that students are likely to succeed if they put forth appropriate effort.

      6. Communicate goals clearly to learners, so that learners themselves can direct their own motivational energies toward attaining these goals.

      7. Set up learning situations with an optimal degree of discrepancy. For example, a learner should already know enough about a topic to see that it would be enjoyable to lean a little more.

      8. Help learners see clear cause-and-effect relationships between their own actions and obtaining desired benefits.

      9. Arrange events so that learners feel that they have freely chosen to perform productive activities – not that they have been coerced into doing so.

      10. Create environments in which learners can vividly fantasize using academic skills in realistic or enjoyable settings.

      11. Use competition in such a way as to help those who succeed at it, while minimizing negative impacts on those who lose.

      12. Use cooperation rather than competition in situations where it would be more productive.

      13. Use recognition to motivate learners by making their successful activities or products visible to others.

      14. Present learning opportunities in an environment that is likely to evoke positive feelings and emotions. Most importantly, avoid conducting learning activities in settings that are likely to evoke negative feelings.

      15. When physiological arousal is too high, take steps to lower it.

      16. When physiological arousal is too low, take steps to increase it.

      17. Help learners satisfy their basic needs, so that they can be motivated by higher needs.

      18. Encourage learners to attribute both their academic successes and failures to effort, which is an internal, unstable factor over which they have control.

      19. Encourage students to be motivated by the urge to master important skills rather than by achieving favorable comparisons with other students.

      20. Encourage students to put forth effort, but define effort properly. Effort refers to the productive use of time. Putting in more hours does not necessarily reflect greater effort. Sometimes students need to learn to make proper effort.

      21. Focus as much as possible on achieving success, as opposed to avoiding failure.

      22. Have realistic, positive expectations for your students.

      23. Be aware of the possibility of negative stereotypes and avoid letting these influence your expectations or the goals you set for students.

      24. Promote self-motivation among learners.

  • Motivation Pointers-Parents
    • 1. Encourage your child to look for intrinsic benefits that will arise from learning a certain subject matter. If necessary, go and find out what these benefits are, and then communicate them to your child.

      2. Realize that your child is likely to look at life differently than you (no matter how wonderful your values are), and you can help motivate your child only to the extent that you can see life from his or her perspective.

      3. Don’t try to motivate your child by saying things like “This is easy!” or “Anyone can do this!” Say something like, “You can do it, if you work at it.”

      4. Help your child come to the belief that honest effort will almost always pay off. Honest effort means using time productively. Sometimes it is necessary to learn how to use time productively. That’s part of effort.

      5. Avoid saying, “You’re not trying!” Instead, say, “Is there anything you can do to help improve your performance?” Then help the learner find ways to spend additional time productively.

      6. Help your child understand the goals of every unit of instruction, so that he or she can direct personal motivational energies toward attaining those goals.

      7. Help your child see clear cause-and-effect relationships between his or her own actions and obtaining desired benefits.

      8. Help your child set competitive goals wisely. Avoid having him or her rely on the failure of other children in order to feel successful. Encourage competition with his or her own past performance.

      9. Encourage your child to set cooperative as well as competitive goals. Help your child realize that contributing to the success of a group is a worthwhile goal.

      10.Recognize the successes of your child by finding ways to make his or her successful activities or products visible to yourself and to others in your family.

      11.Minimize negative competition among the members of the family.

      12.When your child is excessively excited or anxious about something in school, take steps to lower physiological arousal.

      13.When your child is excessively bored, sleepy, or unconcerned about something in school, take steps to increase physiological arousal.

      14.Help your child satisfy basic needs (e.g., hunger and safety), so that he or she can focus on higher needs.

      15.Avoid calling attention the intelligence or basic ability of your child. It is good that your child should believe that he or she is competent, but complacency is harmful. A child’s conviction that he or she is incompetent is even more destructive.

      16.Encourage your child to attribute his or her academic successes and failures to effort.

      17.Focus as much as possible on achieving success, as opposed to avoiding failure.

      18.Have realistic, positive expectations for your child.

      19.Be aware of the possibility of negative stereotypes and avoid letting these influence your expectations or the goals you set for child.

      20.Promote self-motivation by your child.

  • Motivation Pointers-Students
    • 1. Know why it is worthwhile to study a unit of instruction. If it’s not obvious what you can do with the information, ask someone. When you find reasons, relate them to things you care about. You can study any subject more effectively if you have a personal intrinsic interest in it.

      2. If you cannot find an intrinsic reason to study a unit of instruction, find an extrinsic incentive. For example, make a game out of it or find a way to relate it to some other goal.

      3. Be aware that a subject matter doesn’t have to be the most important thing in the world to make it worthwhile.

      4. Admit the possibility that the intrinsic value of some subject matter may become obvious later in your life. What you work for extrinsically now may become intrinsically useful later in life.

      5. Make it easier for your teachers to do their part in motivating you. Do this by communicating with them, by establishing rapport, and by helping them understand your individual and group needs.

      6. Find out exactly what the goals are for a unit of instruction, so that you can direct your own energies as efficiently as possible toward reaching those goals.

      7. Look for cause-and-effect relationships between your own actions and attaining success. Then repeat in the future what has worked in the past.

      8. Vividly fantasize using academic skills in realistic or enjoyable settings.

      9. Don’t overemphasize competition. It is unreasonable for everyone to expect to be the winner in every competition. Usually, for one person to win, many have to try to win, but lose. Often it is better to compete with your own past performance than with the performance of other students.

      10.Realize the value and pleasure of cooperation in learning situations. Sometimes it is more fulfilling to help your group reach a goal than to surpass the other members of the group at attaining that goal.

      11.Try to learn in a setting that is likely to arouse positive feelings and emotions. Most importantly, avoid conducting learning activities in settings that are likely to evoke negative feelings.

      12.When your physiological arousal is too high, take steps to lower it.

      13.When your physiological arousal is too low, take steps to increase it.

      14.Try to satisfy your basic needs (such as hunger and safety), so that you can focus on higher needs when its time to study.

      15.Focus primarily on how your effort pays off at academic activities. Resist attributing your success or failure either to your basic ability (or lack of it) or to luck.

      16.Define effort properly. Effort refers to the productive use of time. Putting in more hours does not necessarily reflect greater effort. Sometimes you may need to learn useful techniques that enable you to make the proper effort for a task.

      17.Focus as much as possible on achieving success, as opposed to avoiding failure.

      18.Have realistic, positive expectations for yourself.

      19.Be aware of the possibility that teachers may have negative stereotypes about you or people like you, and avoid letting these influence your own expectations or goals.

  • Principles of Motivation and Problems
    • 1. It is better to rely on intrinsic rather than extrinsic motivation.
      • Only consequences that the learner himself or herself perceives to be reinforcing will motivate that learner.
        • Work to understand the perspective of the learner through communication and rapport.

        Teacher may not have control of intrinsic motivators.

        • Understand and apply principles of personality and developmental psychology.

        Intrinsic motivator may not currently be of interest to the learner.

        • Work to gain control through communication and rapport.
        • Seek help from others who do control intrinsic motivators.
        • Promote self motivation.
        • Clarify and demonstrate the intrinsic value of the outcome.
        • State learning outcomes in specific, behavioral terms.
        • Use prestigious models.
        • Foster affective attachment to the outcome.
        • Understand and promote developmental principles.
        • Use artificial incentives until intrinsic incentives become possible.

      2. When natural consequences are not available, it is often necessary to use artificial consequences to motivate learners.

      • Artificial motivators run counter to the previous principle.
        • Use artificial reinforcers that are as close to natural as possible.
        • Back up artificial reinforcers with natural reinforcers.
      • Teacher may not know of or have control over effective artificial reinforcers.
        • Work to gain control of natural reinforcers through communication and rapport.
        • Seek help from others who do control extrinsic motivators.
        • Promote self-motivation.

      3. Human beings have brains and personalities that make their motivations extremely complicated.

      • Teacher may not understand the complexity of the thoughts and feelings of students.
        • Foster understanding through communication and rapport.
        • Develop cultural and multicultural familiarity.
      • Various aspects of intellect and personality conflict with one another and with desired outcomes.
        • Understand and apply principles of attribution theory.
        • Understand and apply principles of achievement motivation.
        • Seek input from experts who do understand more than you do.

      4. There are numerous incentives and consequences competing for a learner’s attention at any given time.

      • Competing outcomes may distract learner from desired outcome.
        • Remove competing outcomes.
        • Reduce incentive value of competing outcomes.
        • Increase incentive value of desired outcome.
        • Remove competing outcomes.
      • Learner may actually be motivated more by a competing, undesirable outcome.
        • Apply disincentives for competing outcomes.
        • Increase incentive value of desired outcome.

      5. Social interactions with others influence the motivation of learners.

      • Interactions with other students may detract from motivation.
        • Understand and apply the principles of group dynamics.
        • Develop positive group atmosphere through communication and rapport
        • Solicit help from other students.
        • Employ cooperative learning.
        • Use competition and recognition effectively.
        • Communicate and establish rapport with the family of the learner.
      • Interactions with environment outside learning situation may detract from motivation.
        • Develop cultural and multicultural familiarity.
      • Interactions with teacher may detract from learning.
        • Avoid accidental misapplications of principles of behavior modification.
        • Avoid negative expectancies.
        • Develop positive expectancies.

      6. Physiological factors influence motivation.

      • Excessively low level of arousal may interfere with tendency to learn.
        • Use variety in presentations.

          Use high interest material in presentations.

          Use humor in presentations.

          Avoid psychological states related to low levels of arousal (tiredness, digestion after meals, warm rooms, etc.)

      • Excessively high level of arousal may interfere with tendency to learn.
        • Emphasize familiar routines and elements that are constant.
        • Refrain from introducing topics or information that may arouse anxiety.
        • Use desensitization or other techniques to reduce anxiety.
        • Avoid information overload.
  • Factors of Motivation
    • Individual Factors
      • challenge
        • where the learner is motivated to attain a goal
      • curiosity
        • where the learner is motivated by a physical stimulus or by a cognitive discrepancy
      • control
        • where the learner is motivated by the need to be in control of his/her environment
      • fantasy
        • where learners are motivated by mental images of situations not actually present
    • Interpersonal factors
      • competition
        • where the learner is motivated by comparisons with other learners
      • cooperation
        • where the learner is motivated by an urge to help others perform productively
      • recognition
        • where the learner is motivated by having others appreciate his/her accomplishments
  • Meaning of Effort
    • Effort can be defined as the degree to which one schedules and allocates sufficient time to master a topic or solve a problem and employs strategies to use that time as productively as possible in order to maintain a high rate of engagement and a high rate of success or understanding.
  • Memory/Info Processing-#6
    • Short Term Memory Process
      • (1) continuously rehearse it, so that it stays there;
      • (2) move it out of this area by shifting it to long-term memory; or
      • (3) move it out of this area by forgetting it.
    • Information Processing
      • 1. Receive Information
      • 2. Store information
      • 3. Integrate information
      • 4. Retrieve information
      • 5. Use information
    • short-term memory-working memory
      • limited capacity
      • we can attend to only about seven items at a time.
    • long-term memory-stores information for a long time.
      • The advantage-we do not have to constantly rehearse information to keep it in

        no restrictive limit on the amount of information we can store

        information stays there for a long time – perhaps permanently!

        To make use of this information in long term memory, we must move it back to our working memory, using a process called retrieval.

    • ADD-learning problem (the attention deficit disorder)
      • occur when learners are unable to screen out irrelevant information and admit to working memory only input that is potentially productive
    • current focus of attention
      • occurs when we are able to devote a minimal amount of attention from our working memory to select what is important from the sensory register, while merely monitoring the context for other key information
    • two problems that can occur as information moves from the sensory register to working memory:
      • 1. Not enough input may move forward
        • (that is, information may be forgotten before it has ever had a chance to be remembered). This problem is solved by training the senses to register information accurately and by having meaningful related information actively available in working memory and easily accessible in long-term memory.
      • 2. Too much input may move forward
        • (that is, the working memory may be overwhelmed by excessive input that it cannot handle). This problem is solved by screening information effectively.
    • Help the Learner Transfer Information Correctly from the External Source into the Sensory Register.
      • 1. Make sure the information is clearly available in the first place. (Don’t use faulty materials that render information partially unintelligible. Speak clearly. Draw diagrams that the students can see. Speak in a language that the students can understand.)

        2. Minimize factors that will interfere with the proper reception of information in the sensory register.

        3. Repeat the presentation more than a single time. It’s actually unlikely that any information will be perfectly received, and redundancy will reduce errors. (Repetition is also useful for other reasons.)

        4. Check to verify whether the information has been received correctly.

  • Working Memory
    • Human beings do all their active thinking and problem solving in working memory. The quality of the input into working memory and of the operations that go on there determine the quality of learning and problem solving

      Three critical phases in the effective use of working memory

      • (1) getting information correctly into this short-term area

        (2) handling the information appropriately while it is there

        (3) moving information correctly from working memory to long-term storage, and using the information in working memory to generate some kind of output.

      Five ways to deal with limitations in the capacity of working memory:

      • 1. Feed into the working memory only small amounts of new information at a time. Learners can do this by focusing their attention effectively.

        2. Clear unneeded, old information out of the working memory to make room for the new information. Our brains perform this service for us automatically – almost as soon as we stop focusing tention on the information.

        3. “Chunk” several pieces of information together, so that several individual pieces comprise a single chunk. This strategy will be discussed later in this section.

        4. Efficiently and rapidly shuttle information into and out of working memory.

        5. Use additional devices to supplement human memory. For example, if we record a phone number on a piece of paper, we don’t have to store it in memory. If a teacher projects a map or a diagram on a screen, then it takes little effort for the learners to bring it into working memory – they can just look at any part of the image in front of them.

      What to Do to Help the Learner Transfer Information Correctly From the Sensory Register to the Working Memory

      • 1. Point out specifically the important elements in the presentation.

        2. Minimize factors that will interfere with attention.

        3. Repeat the presentation more than a single time. It’s actually unlikely that any information will be transferred perfectly on a single occasion, and redundancy will reduce errors. (Repetition is also useful for other reasons.)

        4. Check to verify whether the information has been attended to and transferred correctly.

      What to Do to Help the learner accurately retain the information in working memory as long as it is needed to work with it.

      • 1. Keep the number of pieces of information small enough to work with. Either present information in small segments or employ chunking to convert larger amounts into smaller number of pieces of information.

        2. Keep attention constantly focused on the information under consideration. For example, if the information is projected onto a screen or written on a page in front of the student, this minimizes the demand on working memory.

        3. Rehearse the information often while the student is working on it. Rephrase key points often enough to keep them active in working memory.

        4. Allow the learner to have access to the information whenever it is needed. If the information is not in long-term memory or cannot be retrieved, it is foolish to deny the learner access to this information.

        5. Move the information to long-term memory as soon as possible, and help the learner retrieve the information to working memory whenever it is needed. Help the learner retrieve the information easily so that it is almost as good as present in working memory.

  • Long Term Memory
    • A major goal of education is to help learners store information in long-term memory and to use that information on later occasions in order to effectively solve problems. There are actually three different types (or aspects or parts) of long-term memory

      Three Different Types of Long Term Memory

      • Episodic memory
        • 1. Episodic-Of writing or narration; divided into or composed of episodes; Occurring or appearing at usually irregular intervals

          2. Refers to our ability to recall personal experiences from our past.

          3. When we recount events that happened during our childhood, a ballet we saw last week, or what we ate for breakfast, we are employing our long-term episodic memory.

          4. As its name suggests, this aspect of memory organizes information around episodes in our lives.

          5. When we try to recall the information, we attempt to reconstruct these episodes by picturing the events in our minds.

          6. Episodic memory enables us to recall not only events, but also information related to those events.

      • Semantic memory
        • 1. Semantic-Of or relating to meaning or the study of meaning

          2. Stores facts and generalized information.

          3. It contains verbal information, concepts, rules, principles, and problem-solving skills.

          4. While episodic memory stores information as images, semantic memory stores information in networks or schemata.

          5. Information is most easily stored in semantic memory when it is meaningful – that is, easily related to existing, well-established schemata.

          6. When we retrieve information from schematic memory, we mentally follow paths.

          7. By using information on numerous occasions after it has been initially learned, we solidify the connections among elements of information, make it easier to retrieve when we need to use it, and make it more likely that this information will be available to help us accept and store additional information in the future.

      • Procedural memory
        • 1. Procedural-Of or relating to procedure

          2. Refers to the ability to remember how to perform a task or to employ a strategy.

          3. The steps in various procedures are apparently stored in a series of steps, or stimulus response pairings.

          4. When we retrieve information from procedural memory, we retrieve one step, which triggers the next, which triggers the next, etc.

      Two major problems related to the use of long-term memory:

      • 1. to transfer the information accurately to long-term memory
      • 2. to retrieve the information accurately.

      Encoding or elaboration

      • primary strategy for transferring information from working memory into long-term memory

        refer to the process of relating information to other information that is already stored in long-term memory.

      Enhance Long Term Memory

      • 1. Meaningfulness
        • 1. Key ingredient that facilitates long-term storage

          2. This term refers not to the inherent interest or worthiness of information, but rather to the degree to which it can be related to information already stored in our long-term memory.

          3. One concept or piece of information is more meaningful than another if the learner can make a larger number of connections between that piece of information and other information already in long-term memory

          4. Critical factor in storing information, one of the most important strategies for promoting long-term storage and retrieval of information is to have the student learn it in a meaningful context

          5. Refers to the number of connections between new and old information

          6. One of the best ways to promote meaningfulness is for the learner to have an abundance of information related to a topic already well organized in longterm memory.

          7. Example, a person with ten pieces of information in long-term memory related to a topic will have a better chance of treating the topic meaningfully than will a person with only one related piece of information stored in memory. In other words, this is another case of “the rich getting richer.”

          8. For example, a student who has recently viewed West Side Story, who has a friend who has been recently involved in a romantic attachment against the objections of his parents, who has already read three other Shakespearean tragedies, and who has a rich vocabulary will find it much easier to understand and retrieve information about Romeo and Juliet than an equally intelligent peer with no background knowledge related to the play.

          9. Possessing information related to a topic will not help students learn and retain new information unless they activate this information and bring it to bear on the topic at hand.

        2. Advance organizers

        • 1. An advance organizer is an introductory statement about a topic that supplies a structure for the new information and relates it to information already in long-term memory.

          2. For example, while introducing a unit on the Civil War, a teacher might say, “Remember that we have found that wars usually occur because of a combination of political and economic factors….”

          3. Likewise, when teaching adult students how to use an electronic database management program, a teacher might say, “An electronic database is very much like a system of index cards….” or “A telephone directory is one type of non-electronic database.

          4. Imagine that the phone directory could easily be searched by either name, phone number, or address….”

          5. These introductory comments enable the learners to activate information that may not otherwise be available during the learning process and therefore to make connections that they would not have been likely to make had they not received the prior advice to activate this information.

        3. Orienting Question

        • 1. alternative to the advance organizer

          2. the teacher (or textbook writer) asks questions to stimulate the learner to think about information that is likely to be helpful in understanding and organizing the information the learner will encounter.

          3. To be effective, the stimulus to generate prior, related knowledge has to be perceived as worthwhile by the learner

        4. Elaborative Interrogation

        • 1. requires learners to give explanations or to in some other way expand upon the information they have been examining

          2. For example, I could first explain elaborative interrogation to you and then ask you, “Why do you suppose it works?” If you would invent an answer of your own, you would be more likely to remember what this concept is than if I simply gave you the answer. Why do you suppose this is the case?

          3. learners should learn to ask their own questions or search their own minds for related knowledge, even when they are engaged in learning activities that are otherwise highly unstructured.

        5. Analogies

        • 1. often serve as informal but effective advance organizers.

          2. Sometimes the analogy is conveyed very informally.

          3. For example, simply telling students that what they are looking at is a pie graph may be enough to activate in the minds of young math students what they already know about dividing pies and to apply this to interpreting pie graphs.

          4. In other cases, the teacher will find it useful to present the analogy more systematically.

        6. Diagrams and models

        • 1. Offer another way to help learners to organize information and relate it to existing information.

          2. Diagrams and models often serve this useful purpose, it is often useful to help learners interact with them

          3. It is also very useful for students to diagram information themselves, in order to see the relationships more clearly and thereby transfer the information more adequately to long-term memory.

          4. Outlining the key concepts of a unit of instruction can provide similar benefits.

        7. Elaboration

        • 1. Students elaborate on material by connecting it to material already in their own minds.

          2. Any technique that enables the learner to connect current information to existing information is likely to increase its meaningfulness and hence the ease with which it can be transferred to and later recalled from long-term memory.

          3. Everyone involved in the instructional process – teacher, student, textbook writer – can facilitate the recall of information and its availability for use in problem solving by enabling learners to make information more meaningful – that is, to act upon the information in such a way as to see connections between what the learner is learning and what is already in the learner’s mind.

        8. Summaries

        • 1. Do these summaries help readers learn and later recall the information?

          2. Actually, many readers skip the summaries, because they “have already learned that information.”

          3. However, if these summaries are well written and properly employed by readers, they can serve as a basis for ascertaining that the information has been fully understood and properly related to other material. For these benefits to occur, the readers must actively look for connections between what the summary says and what is available in their long-term memories.

        9. Underlining/Highlighting

        • 1. Many college students underline or highlight key concepts while reading their textbooks.

          2. Does underlining stimulate effective learning and subsequent recall of information?

          3. The answer seems to be that underlining works if it is done properly – otherwise, it may actually inhibit learning.

          4. The right way is to underline very few sentences and ideas.

          5. The wrong way is to underline so many sentences and ideas that the pen or marker is really serving as a pointing device.

          6. By underlining a smaller amount of information, the learner is forced to actively process the ideas while selecting those most worthy of being underlined.

          7. It is this active processing that increases the meaningfulness of the text.

        What to Do To Help the Learner Transfer the Information Accurately from Working Memory to Long-Term Memory.

        • 1. Treat the information actively rather than passively. Interact with the information in meaningful ways: ask yourself questions about it, have the learner diagram it, outline it, etc.

          2. Look for relationships between the new information and other information that is already in long-term memory.

          3. Look for differences between the new information and other information that is already in long-term memory.

          4. Use mnemonic strategies.

        Enhancing Long Term Memory-Key Points

        • 1. The key point of this section is that information is stored in the long-term memory in a structured fashion – with elements of knowledge chained together or organized in schemata related to specific topics.

          2. Information is likely to be effectively entered into long-term memory (and available for subsequent retrieval) to the extent that the learner actively interacts with the information in working memory.

          3. It is impossible to actively interact with information without making connections with existing information, and these connections facilitate storage of information – even if the learner is unaware that information is being transferred to long-term memory.

          4. A large amount of permanent learning occurs automatically, without conscious effort on the part of the learner.

          5. In other instances, the learner may make deliberate attempts to transfer information to long-term memory, as by using the mnemonic strategies described later in this chapter, or by using the metacognitive strategies described in the next chapter.

  • Recalling Information
    • Two problems that can occur with regard to making use of previously learned information:
      • 1. Transferring the information accurately to long-term memory. This problem is solved by encoding the information as efficiently as possible.

        2. Retrieving the information accurately.

        If the information has been encoded effectively, this problem is already partially solved.

        In addition, it is important to practice retrieving the information.

        Otherwise, fading or distortion may occur.

      What to Do to Help the Learner Retrieve Information Accurately From Long-Term Memory to Working Memory.

      • 1. Review or use the information frequently.
      • 2. Look for differences between current and past information.
      • 3. Restore the information as actively as possible.
      • 4. Use mnemonic strategies.

      Repeated practice

      • 1. An effective technique for enhancing both short-term and longterm memory, and if the information coming from working memory is more coherent, it is likely to fit in more smoothly with what’s already in long-term memory. 2. 2. Repeated practice is likely to result in overlearning, which makes the working memory more efficient, since less attention needs to be devoted to individual components of tasks that have become automatic.

        3. In addition, practice helps long-term memory by integrating information more effectively with other information and by minimizing the chances that it will fade from memory.

        4. Remember that the term practice does not refer merely to rote recitation.

        5. Using information in order to understand other concepts or to solve problems constitutes practice; and such practical applications make it more likely that useful information can be retrieved later, when it is needed.

        6. Practice while learning is part of phases 6 and 7 of learning (responding and reinforcement and the related feedback loops).

        7. Practice after learning is the major role of phase 8 (cueing retrieval).

      Review or Repition

      • Repeating the various steps in the transfer of information serves two major purposes:

        1. inaccuracies can be noted and corrected

        2. information can be overlearned and connections can be solidified.

        While repetition is important, the repeated practice need not consist of the boring duplication of identical activities.

        Varying the context or the wider picture not only increases interest, it also makes possible a greater degree of meaningfulness and transfer of learning.

  • Forgetting
    • Forgetting/Reason
      • 1. The most frequent reason for forgetting information is difficulty in transferring it from working memory to long-term memory.

        2. In addition, we can forget because of an inability to recall information that is in long-term memory.

    • Fading
      • 1. Occurs when we can no longer recall information from our memory because of disuse.

        2. In short-term memory, fading can occur very rapidly – in some cases after just a few seconds.

        3. When information fades from working memory, it disappears because the short-term space was needed for other incoming information.

    • How to prevent Fading
      • 1. by continuing to focus attention on the information

        2. by constantly rehearsing it

        3. by transferring it to long-term memory

        4. by encoding the information as meaningfully as possible

        5. by frequently retrieving it

        6. by actively restoring it whenever we do retrieve it

        7. by using effective memory search strategies

        Once information has been transferred to long-term memory, most theorists believe that it is stored there permanently.

        When information fades from long-term memory, what really fades is the link; that is, we cannot find a way to retrieve it – it’s there, but we just can’t find it.

    • Interference
      • 1. Occurs when information gets confused with other information in our long-term memory.

        2. Interference can occur either retroactively or proactively

        3. Retroactive interference occurs when previously learned information is lost because it is mixed up with new and somewhat similar information.

        4. For example, if you learn the contents of this chapter today, new information presented to you tomorrow could cause you to become confused about the contents of this chapter.

        5. A history student could study the causes and events of the American Revolutionary War and understand these thoroughly.

        6. Several weeks later the student could study the causes and events of the American Civil War.

        7. If the student thereafter had trouble remembering the causes and events of the Revolutionary War, this would be an example of retroactive interference.

    • Retroactive interference
      • 1. Occurs when information works backwards to interfere with earlier information – just as a retroactive pay raise given in July might work backwards to influence pay days from January to June.
    • Proactive interference
      • 1. Occurs when current information is lost because it is mixed up with previously learned, similar information.

        2. For example, you could have trouble learning the contents of this chapter because it conflicts with preconceived notions in your mind regarding the same topic.

        3. Returning to the history example described earlier, if the student who had learned about the Revolutionary War thereafter studied the Civil War and had trouble remembering the events of the Civil War, this would be an example of proactive interference.

    • Distortion
      • 1. Refers to the misrepresentation of information that occurs when an imperfect image is recalled from long-term memory.

        2. It is not really a separate type of forgetting, but rather a combination of the previous three types.

        3. For example, when I returned to a high school reunion, I once discovered that many of my vivid recollections of my baseball career were distorted.

        4. I had clear memories of various heroic achievements, which I had dutifully narrated to my wife and children, and I firmly believed these to be true.

        5. Written and verbal evidence at the reunion repudiated my testimony.

        6. What seems to have happened is that some of the less pleasant aspects had faded from my memory.

        7. In addition, I apparently reconstructed a few situations in my post-game mental analyses, and when I tried to recall the incidents after several intervening years I tended to remember these more pleasant fantasies in place of the true accounts of the games.

        8. Likewise, although I passed a test on atomic fusion and fission a long time ago, when one of my children recently asked me a question about fusion, I gave an answer that blended the two concepts.

    • Suppression.
      • 1. This is a term derived from Freudian psychotherapy that refers to the subconscious urge from within our personalities to obliterate unpleasant or threatening information from our memories.

        2. For example, an adolescent who had been abused as a child may be unable to recall specific instances of abuse, even though these were numerous, because he had suppressed them.

        3. Suppression is not an important cause of forgetting in most classroom settings.

        4. If a student says she forgot her Spanish “because she hated the teacher,” her forgetting is probably because she has avoided contact with the subject matter rather than because of an emotional trauma.

  • Compiled By:
    • Rigel Arcayan
    • blindcaveman.wordpress.com

MindMap-DSM-IV-Personality Disorder

MindMap-DSM-IV-Personality Disorder

  • About The Book
    • Title: Handbook of Diagnosis and Treatment of DSM-IV Personality Disorder
    • Author: Len Sperry
    • ISBN: 0-203-43909-0
    • Chapters: 11
    • Pages: 297
  • Personality Disorder
    • Antisocial
      • Triggering Event: Social standards and rules.

        Behavioral Style: Impulsively angry, hostile, cunning; forceful, risk-taking, thrill-seeking; temper, verbally or physically abusive.

        Interpersonal Style: Antagonistic to belligerent; slick” and calculating; highly competitive and poor losers; distrustful of others. ”

        Cognitive Style: Impulsive, inflexible, and externally oriented; hard-nosed, realistic, and devious; acting-out defense.

        Feeling Style: Glib, shallow, superficial; avoid softer” emotions (i.e. warmth and intimacy) which connote weakness. ”

        Temperament: Ill-tempered infantile pattern; aggressive, impulsive adult pattern.

        Attachment Style: Fearful and dismissing.

        Parental Injunction: The end justifies the means.” ”

        Self-View: I’m cunning and I’m entitled to get what I want.” They view themselves as strong, competitive self-reliant energetic and tough.

        World View: Life is devious and hostile and rules keep me from fulfilling my needs. Therefore I’ll bend or break them because my needs come first and I’ll defend any efforts to be controlled or degraded.” ”

        Maladaptive Schemas: Mistrust/abuse; entitlement; insufficient self-control; defectiveness; emotional deprivation; abandonment; social isolation.

        Optimal DSM-IV-TR Criteria: Criminal, aggressive, impulsive, irresponsible behavior.

    • Avoidant
      • Triggering Event: Demands for close interpersonal relating and/or social and public appearances.

        Behavioral Style: Shy, mistrustful, aloof; apprehensive; socially awkward; controlled, underactive behavior; feelings of emptiness and depersonalization.

        Interpersonal Style: Guardedly tests others; rejection sensitive as self-protectant; desires acceptance but maintains distance; has basic interpersonal skills, but fears using them.

        Cognitive Style: Perpetual vigilance; thoughts easily distracted by hypersensitivity

        Feeling Style: Shy and apprehensive.

        Temperament: Irritable.

        Attachment Style: Preoccupied and fearful.

        Parental Injunction: We don’t accept you and probably nobody else will either.

        Self-View: I’m inadequate and frightened of rejection.” Chronically tense , fatigued self-conscious; devalue their achievement self-critical. ”

        World View: Life is unfair. People reject and criticize me but I want someone to like me. Therefore be vigilant demand reassurance and if all else fails fantasize and daydream.

        Optimal DSM-IV-TR Criteria: Avoids occupational activities that involve significant interpersonal contact, fearing criticism, disapproval, or rejection.

    • Borderline
      • Triggering Event : Expectation of meeting personal goals and/or maintaining close relations.

        Behavioral Style : Hemophiliacs” of emotion; resentful acting out; helpless, dysphoric, empty void; irregular circadian rhythms (sleep-wake, etc.).

        Interpersonal Style : Paradoxical—idealizing and clinging vs. devaluing and oppositional; rejection sensitivity- abandonment and depression; separation anxiety as prime motivator; role reversal.

        Cognitive Style : Inflexible, rigid; abstraction—grandiosity and idealization, splitting; reasons by analogy: doesn’t learn from experience; external loss of control-blaming; poorly developed evocative memory.

        Feeling Style : Extreme lability of mood and affect.

        Temperament : Dependent type: passive infantile pattern—low autonomic nervous system reactivity. Passive-aggressive type: difficult” infantile pattern-” affect irritability.

        Attachment Style : Disorganized.

        Parental Injunction : If you grow up (parent). Overprotective or demanding or ” inconsistent parenting.

        Self-View : I don’t know who I am or where I’m going.” Identity problems involving gender, career, loyalties, and values. Self-esteem fluctuates with current emotion.

        World View: People are great. No good. No, it’s not. If life doesn’t go my way, I can’t tolerate it. Don’t commit to anything.

        Maladaptive Schemas : Abandonment; defectiveness; abuse/mistrust; emotional deprivation; social isolation; insufficient self-control.

        Optimal DSM-IV-TR Criteria : Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment.

    • Dependent
      • Triggering Event : Expectations of self-reliance and/or being alone.

        Behavioral Style : Docile, passive, nonassertive, lack of self-confidence.

        Interpersonal Style : Pleasing; self-sacrificing; clinging, compliant; expect others to take responsibility.

        Cognitive Style : Suggestible: Pollyanna-like about interpersonal relations; overprotective—the too good parent.” ”

        Feeling Style : Pleasant but anxious, timid, or sad when stressed.

        Temperament : Low energy level; fearful, sad, or withdrawn during infancy; melancholic.

        Attachment Style : Preoccupied.

        Parental Injunction : You can’t do it by yourself.” ”

        Self-View : I’m nice but inadequate (or fragile).” Self-doubting. ”

        World View: Others are here to take care of me” (because I can’t do it myself) ”

        Maladaptive Schemas : Defectiveness; self-sacrifice; approval-seeking.

        Optimal DSM-IV-TR Criteria : Needs others to assume responsibility for most major areas of his or her life.

    • Histrionic
      • Triggering Event : Opposite sex relationships.

        Behavioral Style : Charming/excitement-seeking; labile, capricious, superficial.

        Interpersonal Style : Attention-getting/manipulative; exhibitionistic/ flirtatious.

        Cognitive Style : Impulsive, thematic, field-dependent; avoid awareness of their hidden dependencies.

        Feeling Style : Exaggerated emotional display.

        Temperament : Hyper responsive infantile pattern externally oriented for gratification.

        Attachment Style : Preoccupied.

        Parental injunction : I’ll give you attention when you do what I want.

        Self-View : I need to be noticed”; externally oriented for gratification.

        World View: Life makes me so nervous so I’m entitled to special care and consideration.

        Maladaptive Schemas : Approval-seeking; emotional deprivation; defectiveness.

        Optimal DSM-IV-TR Criteria : Uncomfortable in situations in which they are not the center of attention.

    • Narcissitic
      • Triggering Event : Evaluation of self.

        Behavioral Style : Conceited, boastful, snobbish; self-assured, self-centered, pompous; impatient, arrogant, thin-skinned.

        Interpersonal Style : Disdainful, exploitive, irresponsible; socially facile but without empathy; use others to indulge themselves.

        Cognitive Style : Cognitive expansiveness and exaggeration; focus on images and themes: take liberties with facts; persistent and inflexible.

        Feeling Style : Self-confidence—narcissistic rage.

        Temperament : Active and responsive; special talents, attractiveness,

        : early language development.

        Attachment Style : Fearful and dismissing.

        Parental Injunction : Grow up and be wonderful—for me.” ”

        Self-View: I’m special and unique and I’m entitled to extraordinary rights and privileges whether I’ve earned them or not.” ”

        World View: Life is a banquet table to be sampled at will. People owe me admiration and privilege. Therefore I’ll expect and demand this specialness.” ”

        Maladaptive Schemas : Entitlement; defectiveness; emotional deprivation; insufficient self-control; unrelenting standards.

        Optimal DSM-IV-TR Criteria : Have grandiose sense of self-importance.

    • Obsessive
      • Triggering Event: Authority, unstructured situations, and/or demands of intimate and close relations.

        Behavioral Style: Workaholic, dependable, stubborn, possessive; procrastination, indecisive, perfectionistic.

        Interpersonal Style: Autocratic to peers and subordinates but deferential to superiors; polite and loyal.

        Cognitive Style: Constricted—rule-based, unimaginative; assertive (defiance) vs. pleasing (obedience).

        Feeling Style: Grim and cheerless, feeling avoidance.

        Temperament: Irritable, difficult, or anxious.

        Attachment Style: Preoccupied.

        Parental Injunction: You must do/be better to be worthwhile.

        Self-View: “I’m responsible if something goes wrong.” See themselves as reliable, competent, righteous

        World View: Life is unpredictable and expects too much. Therefore be in control be right and proper and don’t make mistakes

        Maladaptive Schemas: Unrelenting standards; punitiveness; emotional inhibition.

        Optimal DSM-IV-TR Criteria: Shows perfectionism that interferes with task completion.

    • Paranoid
      • Triggering Event: Close interpersonal relationships and/or personal queries.

        Behavioral Style: Guarded, defensive, and hypervigilant; resistant of external influence; chronically tense because constantly mobilized against perceived threats.

        Interpersonal Style: Distrustful, secretive, isolated; blaming; provocative, counterattacking, hypersensitive.

        Cognitive Style: Mistrusting, preconceptions; tendency to disregard evidence to the contrary; may become conspiratorial or delusional under stress.

        Feeling Style: Aloof, humorless; restricted affect, jealous; easily provoked.

        Temperament: Narcissistic type: active, hyperresponsive. Compulsive type: irritable. Passive-aggressive type: affective irritability.

        Attachment Style: Fearful.

        Parental Injunction: You’re different. Keep alert. Don’t make mistakes.”

        Self-View: I’m so special and different. I’m alone and no one likes me because I’m better than others. ”

        World View: Life is unfair ,unpredictable and demanding. It will sneak up and harm you. Therefore be wary counteract trust no one and excuse yourself from failure by blaming others.” ”

        Maladaptive Schemas: Abuse/mistrust; defectiveness.

        Optimal DSM-IV-TR Criteria: Suspects, without sufficient basis, that others are exploiting, harming, or deceiving him or her.

    • Schizoid
      • Triggering Event: Close interpersonal relationships.

        Behavioral Style: Slow and monotonous speech; lethargic, inattentive, nonspontaneous.

        Interpersonal Style: Minimal human” interests and friends; “cold fish”; fades into social background; rarely responsive to others’ feelings or actions; isolative and content to remain aloof. ”

        Cognitive Style: Cognitively distracted in thinking and communications; easily derailed and tangential; absent-minded; minimally introspective.

        Feeling Style: Aloof, indifferent.

        Temperament: Passive and anhedonic infantile pattern.

        Attachment Style: Dismissing.

        Parental Injunction: Who are you? What do you want?” ”

        Self-View: I’m a misfit from life, so I don’t need anybody.” ” I’m indifferent to everything.”

        World View: Life is a difficult place and can be harmful. Therefore trust nothing and keep a distance from others so that you won’t get hurt.” ”

        Maladaptive Schemas: Social isolation; emotional deprivation; defectiveness; subjugation; undeveloped self.

        Optimal DSM-IV-TR Criteria: Neither desires nor enjoys close relationships, including being part of a family.

    • Schizotypal
      • Triggering Event : Close interpersonal relationships.

        Behavioral Style : Eccentric, erratic, bizarre speech; markedly peculiar but not incoherent; tends to drift from job to job.

        Interpersonal Style : Socially isolative, peripheral relationships; with apprehension or apathy; if married, relationship is utilitarian and superficial.

        Cognitive Style : Cognitive slippage scattered, ruminative; engages in magical thinking, superstitious.

        Feeling Style : Hypersensitive, hostile, and aloof; may experience intense social anxiety.

        Temperament : Schizoid type: passive infantile pattern. Avoidance type: fearful infantile pattern.

        Attachment Style : Fearful and dismissing.

        Parental injunction : You’re a strange bird.” ”

        Self-View : I’m on a different wavelength than others.” Experience of being “selfless empty, estranged, depersonalization, dissociation.

        World View: Life is strange and unusual and others have special magic intentions. Therefore observe with caution while being curious.” ”

        Maladaptive Schemas : Alienation; abandonment; dependence; vulnerability to harm.

        Optimal DSM-IV-TR Criteria : Odd thinking and speech: behavior or appearance that is odd, eccentric, or peculiar.

  • Personality Style
    • Triggering Event
      • Antisocial : Social standards and rules.
      • Avoidant: Demands for close interpersonal relating and/or social and public appearances.
      • Borderline: Expectation of meeting personal goals and/or maintaining close relations.
      • Dependent: Expectations of self-reliance and/or being alone.
      • Histrionic: Opposite sex relationships.
      • Narcissitic: Evaluation of self.
      • Obsessive: Authority, unstructured situations, and/or demands of intimate and close relations.
      • Paranoid: Close interpersonal relationships and/or personal queries.
      • Schizoid: Close interpersonal relationships.
      • Schizotypal: Close interpersonal relationships.
    • Behavioral Style
      • Antisocial : Impulsively angry, hostile, cunning; forceful, risk-taking, thrill-seeking; temper, verbally or physically abusive.

        Avoidant: Shy, mistrustful, aloof; apprehensive; socially awkward; controlled, underactive behavior; feelings of emptiness and depersonalization.

        Borderline: Hemophiliacs” of emotion; resentful acting out; helpless, dysphoric, empty void; irregular circadian rhythms (sleep-wake, etc.).

        Dependent: Docile, passive, nonassertive, lack of self-confidence.

        Histrionic: Charming/excitement-seeking; labile, capricious, superficial.

        Narcissitic: Conceited, boastful, snobbish; self-assured, self-centered, pompous; impatient, arrogant, thin-skinned.

        Obsessive: Workaholic, dependable, stubborn, possessive; procrastination, indecisive, perfectionistic.

        Paranoid: Guarded, defensive, and hypervigilant; resistant of external influence; chronically tense because constantly mobilized against perceived threats.

        Schizoid: Slow and monotonous speech; lethargic, inattentive, nonspontaneous.

        Schizotypal: Eccentric, erratic, bizarre speech; markedly peculiar but not incoherent; tends to drift from job to job.

    • Interpersonal Style
      • Antisocial : Antagonistic to belligerent; slick” and calculating; highly competitive and poor losers; distrustful of others. ”

        Avoidant: Guardedly tests others; rejection sensitive as self-protectant; desires acceptance but maintains distance; has basic interpersonal skills, but fears using them.

        Borderline: Paradoxical—idealizing and clinging vs. devaluing and oppositional; rejection sensitivity- abandonment and depression; separation anxiety as prime motivator; role reversal.

        Dependent: Pleasing; self-sacrificing; clinging, compliant; expect others to take responsibility.

        Histrionic: Attention-getting/manipulative; exhibitionistic/ flirtatious.

        Narcissitic: Disdainful, exploitive, irresponsible; socially facile but without empathy; use others to indulge themselves.

        Obsessive: Autocratic to peers and subordinates but deferential to superiors; polite and loyal.

        Paranoid: Distrustful, secretive, isolated; blaming; provocative, counterattacking, hypersensitive.

        Schizoid: Minimal human” interests and friends; “cold fish”; fades into social background; rarely responsive to others’ feelings or actions; isolative and content to remain aloof. ”

        Schizotypal: Socially isolative, peripheral relationships; with apprehension or apathy; if married, relationship is utilitarian and superficial.

    • Cognitive Style
      • Antisocial : Impulsive, inflexible, and externally oriented; hard-nosed, realistic, and devious; acting-out defense.

        Avoidant: Perpetual vigilance; thoughts easily distracted by hypersensitivity

        Borderline: Inflexible, rigid; abstraction—grandiosity and idealization, splitting; reasons by analogy: doesn’t learn from experience; external loss of control-blaming; poorly developed evocative memory.

        Dependent: Suggestible: Pollyanna-like about interpersonal relations; overprotective—the too good parent.” ”

        Histrionic: Impulsive, thematic, field-dependent; avoid awareness of their hidden dependencies.

        Narcissitic: Cognitive expansiveness and exaggeration; focus on images and themes: take liberties with facts; persistent and inflexible.

        Obsessive: Constricted—rule-based, unimaginative; assertive (defiance) vs. pleasing (obedience).

        Paranoid: Mistrusting, preconceptions; tendency to disregard evidence to the contrary; may become conspiratorial or delusional under stress.

        Schizoid: Cognitively distracted in thinking and communications; easily derailed and tangential; absent-minded; minimally introspective.

        Schizotypal: Cognitive slippage scattered, ruminative; engages in magical thinking, superstitious.

    • Feeling Style
      • Antisocial : Glib, shallow, superficial; avoid softer” emotions (i.e. warmth and intimacy) which connote weakness. ”

        Avoidant: Shy and apprehensive.

        Borderline: Extreme lability of mood and affect.

        Dependent: Pleasant but anxious, timid, or sad when stressed.

        Histrionic: Exaggerated emotional display.

        Narcissitic: Self-confidence—narcissistic rage.

        Obsessive: Grim and cheerless, feeling avoidance.

        Paranoid: Aloof, humorless; restricted affect, jealous; easily provoked.

        Schizoid: Aloof, indifferent.

        Schizotypal: Hypersensitive, hostile, and aloof; may experience intense social anxiety.

    • Temperament
      • Antisocial : Ill-tempered infantile pattern; aggressive, impulsive adult pattern.

        Avoidant: Irritable.

        Borderline: Dependent type: passive infantile pattern—low autonomic nervous system reactivity. Passive-aggressive type: difficult” infantile pattern-” affect irritability.

        Dependent: Low energy level; fearful, sad, or withdrawn during infancy; melancholic.

        Histrionic: Hyper responsive infantile pattern externally oriented for gratification.

        Narcissitic: Active and responsive; special talents, attractiveness,

        Obsessive: Irritable, difficult, or anxious.

        Paranoid: Narcissistic type: active, hyperresponsive. Compulsive type: irritable. Passive-aggressive type: affective irritability.

        Schizoid: Passive and anhedonic infantile pattern.

        Schizotypal: Schizoid type: passive infantile pattern. Avoidance type: fearful infantile pattern.

    • Attachment Style
      • Antisocial : Fearful and dismissing.
      • Avoidant: Preoccupied and fearful.
      • Borderline: Disorganized.
      • Dependent: Preoccupied.
      • Histrionic: Preoccupied.
      • Narcissitic: Fearful and dismissing.
      • Obsessive: Preoccupied.
      • Paranoid: Fearful.
      • Schizoid: Dismissing.
      • Schizotypal: Fearful and dismissing.
    • Parental Injunction
      • Antisocial : The end justifies the means.” “
      • Avoidant: We don’t accept you and probably nobody else will either.
      • Borderline: If you grow up (parent). Overprotective or demanding or ” inconsistent parenting.
      • Dependent: You can’t do it by yourself.” “
      • Histrionic: I’ll give you attention when you do what I want.
      • Narcissitic: Grow up and be wonderful—for me.” “
      • Obsessive: You must do/be better to be worthwhile.
      • Paranoid: You’re different. Keep alert. Don’t make mistakes.”
      • Schizoid: Who are you? What do you want?” “
      • Schizotypal: You’re a strange bird.” “
    • Self-View
      • Antisocial : I’m cunning and I’m entitled to get what I want.” They view themselves as strong, competitive self-reliant energetic and tough.

        Avoidant: I’m inadequate and frightened of rejection.” Chronically tense , fatigued self-conscious; devalue their achievement self-critical. ”

        Borderline: I don’t know who I am or where I’m going.” Identity problems involving gender, career, loyalties, and values. Self-esteem fluctuates with current emotion.

        Dependent: I’m nice but inadequate (or fragile).” Self-doubting. ”

        Histrionic: I need to be noticed”; externally oriented for gratification.

        Narcissitic: I’m special and unique and I’m entitled to extraordinary rights and privileges whether I’ve earned them or not.” ”

        Obsessive: “I’m responsible if something goes wrong.” See themselves as reliable, competent, righteous

        Paranoid: I’m so special and different. I’m alone and no one likes me because I’m better than others. ”

        Schizoid: I’m a misfit from life, so I don’t need anybody.” ” I’m indifferent to everything.”

        Schizotypal: I’m on a different wavelength than others.” Experience of being “selfless empty, estranged, depersonalization, dissociation.

    • World View
      • Antisocial : Life is devious and hostile and rules keep me from fulfilling my needs. Therefore I’ll bend or break them because my needs come first and I’ll defend any efforts to be controlled or degraded.” ”

        Avoidant: Life is unfair. People reject and criticize me but I want someone to like me. Therefore be vigilant demand reassurance and if all else fails fantasize and daydream.

        Borderline: People are great. No good. No, it’s not. If life doesn’t go my way, I can’t tolerate it. Don’t commit to anything.

        Dependent: Others are here to take care of me” (because I can’t do it myself) ”

        Histrionic: Life makes me so nervous so I’m entitled to special care and consideration.

        Narcissitic: Life is a banquet table to be sampled at will. People owe me admiration and privilege. Therefore I’ll expect and demand this specialness.” ”

        Obsessive: Life is unpredictable and expects too much. Therefore be in control be right and proper and don’t make mistakes

        Paranoid: Life is unfair ,unpredictable and demanding. It will sneak up and harm you. Therefore be wary counteract trust no one and excuse yourself from failure by blaming others.” ”

        Schizoid: Life is a difficult place and can be harmful. Therefore trust nothing and keep a distance from others so that you won’t get hurt.” ”

        Schizotypal: Life is strange and unusual and others have special magic intentions. Therefore observe with caution while being curious.” “

    • Maladaptive Schemas
      • Antisocial : Mistrust/abuse; entitlement; insufficient self-control; defectiveness; emotional deprivation; abandonment; social isolation.

        Borderline: Abandonment; defectiveness; abuse/mistrust; emotional deprivation; social isolation; insufficient self-control.

        Dependent: Defectiveness; self-sacrifice; approval-seeking.

        Histrionic: Approval-seeking; emotional deprivation; defectiveness.

        Narcissitic: Entitlement; defectiveness; emotional deprivation; insufficient self-control; unrelenting standards.

        Obsessive: Unrelenting standards; punitiveness; emotional inhibition.

        Paranoid: Abuse/mistrust; defectiveness.

        Schizoid: Social isolation; emotional deprivation; defectiveness; subjugation; undeveloped self.

        Schizotypal: Alienation; abandonment; dependence; vulnerability to harm.

    • Optimal DSM-IV-TR Criteria
      • Antisocial : Criminal, aggressive, impulsive, irresponsible behavior.

        Avoidant: Avoids occupational activities that involve significant interpersonal contact, fearing criticism, disapproval, or rejection.

        Borderline: Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment.

        Dependent: Needs others to assume responsibility for most major areas of his or her life.

        Histrionic: Uncomfortable in situations in which they are not the center of attention.

        Narcissitic: Have grandiose sense of self-importance.

        Obsessive: Shows perfectionism that interferes with task completion.

        Paranoid: Suspects, without sufficient basis, that others are exploiting, harming, or deceiving him or her.

        Schizoid: Neither desires nor enjoys close relationships, including being part of a family.

        Schizotypal: Odd thinking and speech: behavior or appearance that is odd, eccentric, or peculiar.

  • Treatment
    • Antisocial
      • diagnosis is reserved for individuals over age 18

        focus on helping the individual understand the nature and consequences of his disorder so he can be helped to control his behavior

        need to repeatedly confront the patient’s minimization and denial of antisocial behavior

        avoid exploratory or insight-oriented forms of psychotherapy

        focus on here-and-now behavior

        analyzing unconscious material from the past

        Relaxation exercises and a merging intervention

        reduce the amnestic barriers that maintained this compartmentalization

        improved daily functioning

        set guidelines for the patient’s involvement, including regular attendance, active participation and completion of any necessary work outside of office visits

        help the patient understand how he creates his own problems and how his distorted perceptions prevent him from seeing himself the way others view him

        develop trust between patients

        establish rapport

        work gradually to establish trust

        explicitly acknowledge the antisocial individual’s strengths and capabilities

        refrain from pressing the individual to acknowledge weaknesses

        focusing on specific problem situations with problem-solving

        behavioral strategies is suggested

        Therapists must be aware of their own feelings and remain vigilant to prevent their emotional responses to their patients from disrupting the therapy process

        anticipate their emotions and present an attitude of acceptance without moralizing

        point out that continuing in therapy

        identifying any remaining distress that the individual may be denying or minimizing

        anticipate consequences of their actions

        shift therapeutic focus to automatic thoughts and underlying schemas is possible

        focus shifts to the social pressures the individual faces due to continued antisocial behavior

        sensitize patients to people, places, and circumstances

        social skills training is a relatively potent bottom-up treatment strategy

    • Avoidant
      • long-term psychotherapy

        individual therapy is usually the preferred modality, group therapy can be useful if the client can agree to attend enough sessions

        focus on improving poor self-esteem

        encourage social interaction

        take a more detailed evaluation than usual, while doing so in a relatively unobtrusive fashion

        be sensitive to nonverbal cues of the client

        psychotherapy is usually most effective when it is relatively short-term and oriented toward finding solutions to specific life problems

        solid therapeutic relationship founded with good rapport and listening to the client is important to the therapist’s effectiveness.

    • Borderline
      • Psychotherapy is nearly always the treatment of choice for this

        stabilize mood swings

        show different coping skills, emotion regulation skills

        encourage new important changes in a person’s life

        teach the client how to learn to better take control of their lives, their emotions, and themselves through self-knowledge, emotion regulation, and cognitive restructuring

        help distinguish between reality from their own misperceptions of the world and their surrounding environment

        focus on social learning theory and conflict resolution

        target lowering overwhelming regular cognitive functioning

        target and expose faulty cognitions

        avoid labeling them as “trouble-makers.”

        Provide a structured therapeutic setting

        help patient realize away from “black-and-white” terms

        be aware of this “all-or-nothing” lability most often found in individuals with this disorder and be careful not to validate it

        tolerate repeated episodes of primitive rage, distrust, and fear

        Uncovering is to be avoided in favor of bolstering of ego defenses

        allow the patient to be less anxious

        The goals of therapy should be in terms of life gains toward independent functioning, and not complete restructuring of the personality.

        learn to be like a rock when dealing with a person who has this disorder

        should offer his or her stability to contrast the client’s lability of emotion and thinking

        be aware of client’s constant demands on a clinician, the constant suicidal gestures, thoughts, and behaviors, and the possibility of self-mutiliating behavior

        Treatment, therefore, is also likely to be somewhat lengthy in duration, typically lasting at least a year for most

    • Dependent
      • psychotherapy is the treatment of choice

        effective psychotherapeutic approach is one which focuses on solutions to specific life problems

        the shorter the length of the therapy the better to server as the litmus test

        self-reliant failure – should not be seen as a therapeutic failure during treatment, solution-focused is the criteria

        Examining the client’s faulty cognitions and related emotions

        understand lack of self-confidence, autonomy versus dependency

        Assertiveness training and other behavioral approaches

        Aggressive self-assurance; given to making bold assertions

        use the act of affirming, asserting or stating something

        termination of therapy is important

        should not allow the patient to use new symptoms to keep therapy

        goal is to end a relationship at an agreed-upon time and way

        the client should be reinforced for the positive gains made in therapy

        encouraged the patient to explore their new-found autonomy or improved management of their anxious feelings

    • Histrionic
      • Psychotherapy, as with most personality disorders, is the treatment of choice

        Group and family therapy approaches are generally not recommended

        individual who suffers from this disorder often draws attention to themselves and exaggerates every action and reaction

        People with disorder often come across as “fake” or shallow in their interpersonal relationships with others

        Therapy should generally be supportive and good rapport

        be “rescuer” role, in which the therapist will be asked to constantly reassure and rescue the client from daily problems

        therapist will be perceived as sexually attractive to the patient

        Boundary issues in relationships and a clear delineation of the therapeutic framework are relevant and important aspects of therapy

        take advantage of matter-of-fact and realistic assessment of situations and problems

        Solution-focused therapy is often appropriate

        Most therapy approaches should not be focused on the long-term, personality change of the individual

        focus on short-term alleviation of difficulties within the person’s life

        must explicitly state up-front at the onset of therapy to dismiss any thoughts the client may have of a “magical” cure for this disorder

        Suicidal behavior is often apparent in a person, be aware

        Suicidality should be assessed on a regular basis and suicidal threats should not be ignored or dismissed

        Suicide sometimes occurs when all that was intended was a gesture, so all such thoughts and plans should be taken with the same seriousness as with any other disorder

        Self-mutilation behavior may also be present in this disorder and should also be taken seriously as an issue of importance to discuss within therapy

        Self-mutilation is a gesture of “help me”

        watch for usual exaggeration of events and problems by the patient

        discover the unrealistic expectations and fears associated with many behaviors and thoughts

        histrionic personality disorder will emphasize attractiveness (“style over substance”) in their lives and relationships

        discuss alternatives and trying out new behaviors may be helpful

        point out, in session, when the client is using shallow criteria in which to judge another

        patient should eventually look to be able to identify shallow criteria themselves throughout their lives

        avoid insight and cognitive-oriented approaches, generally largely ineffective in treatment

        Help the client to examine interactions from a more objective point of view and emphasizing alternative explanations for behavior

        Examining and clarifying a client’s emotions are also important components of therapy

        Clinicians will often experience reactions to treating this disorder, because of the dramatic nature of the patient.

        Because of this possibility, therapists should be more attuned to their own feelings within the therapy setting

        Ensure that they are treating the patient fairly and with respect

    • Narcissitic
      • differential diagnosis includes:

        1. histrionic personality disorder

        2. antisocial personality disorder

        3. paranoid personality disorder

        Axis I syndromes:

        1. acute anxiety reactions

        2. dysthymia

        3. hypochondriasis

        4. delusional disorders

        Treatment Goals:

        1. short term

        2. crisis oriented

        3. long term and focused on personality restructuring

        Crisis-oriented psychotherapy- focuses on alleviation of the symptoms such as anxiety, depression, or somatic symptoms associated with the narcissistic injury or wound.

        Longer-term therapy often involve restructuring of personality

        1. increasing empathy [Understanding and entering into another’s feelings] [“the capacity to think and feel oneself into the inner life of another person”] [when one is able to step into the shoes of another, to see the world through the other’s eyes that one is able to generate a response that is authentic, accurate, and fitting]

        2. decreasing rage [A feeling of intense anger]

        3. decrease cognitive distortions

        4. increase the individual’s ability to mourn losses

        5. increase valuing of others

        6. use confrontation

        7. use mirroring technique

        8. decrease entitlement

        9. decrease envy

        10. heal incomplete self-structure

        11. use transmuting internalization

        12. use expressive psychotherapy the therapeutic effort focuses on the negative transference in which early manifestations of anger are explored and interpreted

        13. explore the individual’s exquisite sensitivity to the therapist’s empathic failures and the importance of therapeutically exploring this vulnerability

        14. use predictive interpretation.

        15. abandon entitlement and grandiosity

        16. expand ego functions, skills, and capacities [supportive psychotherapy]

        17. teach the individual to become a better narcissist

        18. shows the individual how excessive self-adoration actually interferes with the ability to receive more realistic, wanted, and needed adoration from others

        19. awareness of self-deficit-increasing the individual’s self-esteem and self-cohesion

        20. awareness and anticipation of personal vulnerability to injury, shame, and disappointment; containment

        21. ability to modulate affects [have an effect upon], especially narcissistic rage; and adaptation

        22. behavioral interventions

        23. focus between increasing responsibility for behavior

        24. decreasing cognitive distortions and dysfunctional affects such as rage reactions

        25. developing healthier attitudes and beliefs

        26. decrease black-white thinking

        27. exercise relating to others

        28. use roleplay and roler reversal

        29. new statements of belief, such as “others’ feelings count too,”

        30. decrease demands for approval and special treatment

        31. use social skill training/reflect specific skill deficits

        32. identify maladaptive schemas and planning specific strategies and interventions

        33. use imagery exercises, empathic confrontation, homework assignments, and “limited reparenting” (i.e., a form of corrective emotional experience)

        34. learning to tolerate his or her faults

        35. internalize this empathic affirmation of self

        36. Empathy affirmation

        37. learn self-regulation.

        Core Problem of Narcissist:

        1. anger

        2. envy

        3. distorted self-sufficiency

        TRANSMUTING INTERNALIZATION-The growth-producing process by which patients are able to internalize the needed selfobject functions and to acquire the missing self structure

        THE SELF OBJECT-means the experience of another – more precisely, the experience of impersonal functions provided by another – as part of the self

        1. analysis of defense and resistance

        2. unfold selfobject transference

        3. establish emphatic intuneness between self and selfobject on mature adult level

        3 Treatent Objectives

        1. developing a collaborative working relationship

        2. socializing the individuals to the cognitive theory and model of treatment

        3. agreeing on treatment goals.

        components of grandiosity

        1. hypersensitivity to criticism

        2. emphatic deficits

        5 Maladaptive schemas

        1. entitlement—that is, the belief that one is superior to others and not bound by the rules and norms that govern normal social interaction;

        2. emotional deprivation—that is, the belief that one’s desire for emotional support will not be met by others;

        3. defectiveness—that is, the belief that one is defective, bad, unwanted, or inferior in important respects;

        4. unrelenting standards—that is, the belief that striving to meet unrealistically high standards of performance is essential to being accepted and avoiding criticism;

        5. insufficient self-control— that is, the belief that one is incapable of self-control and frustration tolerance

    • Obsessive
      • Supportive-Expressive Theraphy
      • Expose extreme feelings of insecurity and uncertainty
      • switch from impossible expectations for self and others to more realistically achievable ones
      • avoid qualifying and quantifying descriptions of perfections
      • focus on real feeling and expression limit intellectual discussions of emotions
      • focus on recent events
      • Schema-focused approach
      • target dysfunctional conditions
      • target restricted behavioral reportoires
      • target negative affective dispositions
      • target issues related to attachment and identity
      • goal-modify and restructure maladaptive schemas that underlie behaviors and effects
      • maladpative schemas: unrelenting standards, punitiveness, emotional inhibitions
      • step#1-establish a collaborative working relationship
      • target rigidity
      • target feeling of avoidance
      • target maximizing of interpersonal relationships
      • develop a closer relationship very slowly
      • introduce to cognitive theory of emotion [thoughts dictates emotion]
      • identify dysfunctional thoughts
      • refute dysfunctional thoughts
      • setting agenda
      • prioritize problems
      • problem solving
      • thought-stopping
      • target rumination, procrastination and indecisiveness
      • use flooding
      • use desensitization
      • use response prevention
      • use satiation training [The act of achieving full gratification]
      • don’t dwell in the past or future
      • practice/emphasize here and now exercise
      • avoid the fear of making mistakes
      • encourage risk taking and decision making
      • avoid the need for absolutes and certainties to make decision
      • achieve some degree of balance and compromise
      • avoid thinking that you are superhuman
      • function as fallible humans [likely to fail or make errors]
      • identify/avoid anticipatory anxiety
      • accept anxiety is a part of life and will occur throughout life
      • inflate self-esteem
      • identify constricted emotions
      • think/go back to general function of self when under attack by obessesion
    • Paranoid
      • psychotherapy is the treatment of choice

        Individuals with paranoid personality disorder, however, rarely present themselves for treatment

        emphasizes a simple supportive, client-centered approach will be most effective.

        Rapport-building with a person who has this disorder will be much more difficult than usual because of the paranoia associated with the disorder.

        Early termination, therefore, is common.

        As the therapy progresses, the patient will likely begin to trust the clinician more and more.

        The client then will likely begin disclosing some of his or her more bizarre paranoid ideation.

        Be careful to balance being objective in therapy and with regards to these thoughts

        Care must be used not to challenge the client too firmly or risk the individual leaving therapy permanently

        Control issues should be dealt with in much a similar manner, with great care

        paranoid beliefs are delusion and not based in reality, arguing them from a rational point of view is useless

        Challenging the beliefs is also likely to result in more frustration on both the part of the therapist and client

        be more keenly aware of being straight-forward with this individual

        Subtle jokes are often lost on them and allusions to information about the client not received directly from the client’s mouth will raise a great deal of suspicion

        avoid trying to have the patient sign a release of information for information not essential to the current therapy.

        Items in life which usually wouldn’t give most people a second thought can easily become the focus of attention to this client

        care must be exercised in discussions with the client.

        An honest, concrete approach will likely gain the most results, focusing on current life difficulties

        Clinicians should generally not inquire too deeply into the client’s life or history, unless it’s directly relevant to clinical treatment.

        Long-term prognosis for this disorder is not good.

        Individuals who suffer from this disorder often remain afflicted with prominent symptoms of it throughout their lifetime.

        It is not uncommon to see such people in day treatment programs or state hospitals. Other modalities, such as family or group therapy, are not recommended.

    • Schizoid
      • Treatment of choice is individual psychotherapy.

        People with this disorder are unlikely to seek treatment unless they are under increased stress or pressure in their life.

        Treatment will usually be short-term in nature to help the individual solve the immediate crisis or problem.

        The patient will then likely terminate therapy.

        Goals of treatment most often are solution-focused using brief therapy approaches.

        The development of rapport and a trusting therapeutic relationship will likely be a slow, gradual process

        People who suffer from this disorder often maintain a social distance with people in their lives, even those close to them

        The clinician should work to help ensure the client’s security in the therapeutic relationship.

        Acknowledging the client’s boundaries are important and the therapist should not look to confront the client on these types of issues.

        Long-term psychotherapy should be avoided because of its poor treatment outcomes

        Psychotherapy should focus on simple treatment goals to alleviate current pressing concerns or stressors within the individual’s life.

        Cognitive-restructuring exercises may be appropriate for certain types of clear, irrational thoughts which are negatively influencing the patient’s behaviors.

        The therapeutic framework should be clearly defined at the onset.

        Stability and support are the keys to good treatment with someone who suffers from schizoid personality disorder.

        The therapist must be careful not to “smother” the client and be able to tolerate some possible “acting-out” behaviors.

        Group therapy may be an alternative treatment modality to examine, although it is usually not a good initial treatment choice.

        A person who suffers from this disorder who is assigned to group therapy at the onset of therapy will likely terminate treatment prematurely.

        Encourage to tolerate of being in a social group.

        Person graduating from individual to group therapy, they may have enough minimal social skills and abilities to tolerate group much better.

        People who suffer from this disorder see little to no reason for social interactions

        Patient will be quite quiet in group, contributing little to others and offering little of themselves.

        This is to be expected and the individual who has schizoid personality disorder

        They should not be pushed into participating more fully group until he or she is ready and on their own terms.

        Group leaders must be careful to help protect the individual from criticism from other group members for their lack of participation.

        tolerate the initially-silent member with this disorder, the individual may gradually participate more and more, although this process will be very slow and drawn out over months.

        the patient may eventually, “reveal a plethora of fantasies, imaginary friends, and fears of unbearable dependency – even of merging with the therapist.

        Oscillation between fear of clinging to the therapist may be followed by fleeing through fantasy and withdrawal.

        These types of feelings must be normalized by the clinician and brought into proper focus in the therapeutic relationship.

    • Schizotypal
      • As with most personality disorders, schizotypal personality disorder is best treated with some form of psychotherapy.

        Individuals with this disorder usually distort reality more so than someone with Schizoid Personality Disorder.

        As with Delusional Disorder and Paranoid Personality Disorder, the clinician must exercise care in therapy to not directly challenge delusional or inappropriate thoughts.

        A warm, supportive, and client-centered environment should be established with initial rapport.

        As with Avoidant Personality Disorder, the individual lacks an adequate social support system

        usually avoids most social interactions because of extreme social anxiety.

        The patient often reports feelings of being “different” and not “fitting in” with others easily, usually because of their magical or delusion thinking.

        There is no simple solution to this problem.

        Social skills training and other behavioral approaches which emphasize the learning of the basics of social relationships and social interactions may be beneficial.

        Consider group therapy as the client progresses. Such a group should be for this specific disorder, though, which may be difficult to form or find in smaller communities.

  • Compiled By

MindMap-Simplified Problem Solving

MindMap-Simplified Problem Solving

  • DEFINE
    • Problem Statement: Be specific.
    • Goal Statement
    • Examples:
    • To live happily ever after.
    • To be with my family.
  • MEASURE
    • What is the Current situation?
    • Why are you moving?
    • What is wrong with my current location?
    • What are my options?
    • List of Potential Issues (Causes)
  • ANALYZE
    • Root Causes Identified
    • How were the Root Causes listed above identified / verified?
    • Fishbone Diagram (C&E Diagram)
    • Onsite inspection (Process Map)
    • Technical Material Analysis
    • Expert Comments
    • Brainstorming
    • Benchmarking
    • 5-Why/Root Cause Analysis
    • Drill Down Matrix
    • Graphical Analysis
    • Correlation/Scatter Plots
  • IMPROVE
    • Possible Solutions / Corrective Actions
    • Results of Pilot/Trial Run of Solutions
  • CONTROL
    • How is the fix being maintained?
    • Preventative Actions

Mindmap-Book: WinningWithAccountability

Mindmap-Book: WinningWithAccountability

  • Assessment
    • My Organization’s Language: We use very specific deadlines when discussing upcoming work.

      My Organization’s Language: We are clear about what outcomes we are working to create.

      My Organization’s Language: Roles and responsibilities are clearly defined when we assign tasks

      My Organization’s Behavior: Our Team members deliver projects exactly as they had been requested (deliverable).

      My Organization’s Behavior: Our team delivers “on time, every time” in the eyes of our internal and external customers.

      My Organization’s Behavior: Our team members take responsibility for their own outcomes and performance.

      My Influence: I give constructive input to my teammates in an emotionally intelligent way, even if it may be tough for them to hear.

      My Influence: I receive “first hand” constructive input from my teammates when I have failed to meet their expectations.

      My Influence: I participate in meetings and other interactions where I may influence the mood and commitment of other people.

  • Performance Management Process
    • Strategic Plan
      • Vision
      • Mission
      • Goals
      • Core Values
    • Planning
      • Position Planning
      • Settin performance standards
    • Managing
      • Team communication
      • Day-to-day feedback and recognition
      • Analysis of behavior
      • Feedback coaching
      • Investigative coaching
      • Performance coaching
      • Disciplinary action
    • Evaluation and Goal Setting
      • Assessment of job performance
      • Setting employee strategic goals
      • Setting personal development goals(work related)
      • Performance improvement plans/goals
      • Holding employees accountable
  • Advantages of Frontloading Accountability by Setting Goals and Expectations
    • Performance increases.
    • Resources better allocated when everyone knows their role.
    • Job satisfaction increases.
    • Trust grows and relationships are strengthened.
    • Outcomes improve qualitatively and quantitatively.
  • How Everything Fits Together
    • PLAN-Establish priorities and goals linked to vision and mission. Establish department, unit and discipline goals linked to college priorities.

      EXECUTE-Deliver programs and services.

      ASSESS-Assess goal achievement.

      REFLECT-Analyze and use results to plan further improvements. Make changes as required.

  • The Secret of Successful Organizations
    • Install accountability on the front end to
    • Nurture better relationships
    • Eliminate surprises
    • Increase job satisfaction and job performance
    • Improve productivity and effectiveness
  • Functional Competencies
    • Competency is behavior/skill required for success.
    • Functional competency is behavior/skill related to job type or department.
    • Competency establishes expected behavior/skill level.
  • Personal Development Goals
    • Enhance knowledge, skills, abilities and behaviors.

      Improve work performance in current role.

      Enhance ability to compete for future opportunities.

      Aligned with a competency or a core value.

      Improvements result from reading, taking classes, attending seminars, hands-on practice, project or task team work.

  • The Power of Intention
    • Focus on helping individual perform at a higher level.
    • Focus on helping the individual succeed.
    • Remember the role of the coach is to help the individual and the team succeed!
  • Clear Expectations
    • Paint a picture.
    • Are measureable.
    • Clearly understood by receiver and sender of request.
    • Replace ambiguity with specificity.
  • Getting Specific
    • Date and time specificity creates clarity.
    • Deadline is when work is due.
    • Timeline is when the work will get done.
    • Timeline is more important than deadline.
    • Time management is critical.
    • Include relevant information and details.
    • Paint the picture of the outcome.
  • Ensuring Clear Expectations
    • Determine if individual can reflect the essence of what you said.
    • Ask “How do you interpret what I just said?”
    • Ask “What does this look like to you when it is done?”
    • Clear Expectations PRACTICE ACTIVITY
  • Definition of Accountability- Moving Strategy to Reality
    • Willingness to accept responsibility for one’s actions
    • Commitments that “in the eyes of others” have been kept.
    • Continually asking “How am I doing?”
    • Sender and receiver provide crystal clear expectations. Both are responsible.
    • About high performance not fear or stress.
  • Creating Accountability
    • Clear expectation
    • Getting specific
    • Establishing ownership
    • Going public
  • Follow Up Techniques for Enhanced Accountability
    • Schedule tasks/actions as meetings on your calendar and commit to them like other meetings.
    • Use calendar tool in Windows to document dates to check in or track progress.
    • Review the timeline periodically to ensure it is still reasonable.
    • Share accountability by checking in and encouraging/coaching between milestones.
    • Develop relationships.
    • Use the language of specificity.
  • Something to Think About
    • Start a crusade in your organization-Have the courage to learn, the vision to lead and the passion to share.
  • Unit Plans
    • Goals
    • Outcomes/Objectives
    • Measures and Findings
  • Strategic Goals
    • Aligned to support the strategic plan.
    • Based on the goals of the department /work group.
    • Specific tasks and activities.
  • Setting Goals
    • Descriptive title
    • Identify results
    • Include measurement criteria to determine successful completion
    • Date expected to be completed
    • Indicate which competency, core value or strategic goal it supports
  • Clear Expectations Through SMARTER Goals
    • S-Specific-break down into specific pieces

      M-Measureable-quantitative or qualitative way to identify change or improvement

      A-Attainable-resources, materials, skills, time available

      R-Results Oriented and move us closer to the outcome or goal. Aligned with the strategic plan. Describes what the process or service will look like and/or how the customer will be impacted after the goal is complete.

      T-Trackable and Time-oriented-set milestones/follow up dates and expected completion date

      E-Ethical-Legal, moral and in alignment with core values

      R-Recorded-Record or persons should be in place from which/whom the employee may seek guidance.

  • Establishing Ownership
    • Each task has one owner.
    • Buck stops with project owner (manager) even if you delegate every task.
    • Model ownership yourself.
    • Competency first, bandwidth(time) second.
  • Going Public/Sharing Accountability
    • Accountability begins when someone else knows about task.
    • Establish accountability partner to check-in.
    • Accountability goes upstream and downstream.
    • Go first and share your commitments with others downstream.
    • Communicate the truth (with tact and diplomacy!) upstream.
    • Accountability builds relationships. Develop relationship capital in good and bad times.
  • The Manager’s Role in Accountability
    • Frontload expectations with clear expectations, clear dates/times, clear ownership and shared understanding.

      Use your power to focus on the solution (reverse a negative direction).

      Look in the mirror and self-evaluate.

      Align thoughts and feelings with desired outcomes/goals.

      Model what you wish to achieve.

  • What to Ask When Things Go Wrong
    • Did I communicate clear expectations?
    • Did I include the right people in initial discussions?
    • What could I have done better?
    • Continuous Improvement PRACTICE ACTIVITY
  • Next Steps
    • Develop list of preliminary goals for yourself (without detail today-add detail when get back to office)

      Develop goals with your team/team members.

      Review your calendar-How did recent commitments compare to language of specificity?

      Make corrections where specificity is lacking-add missing information and details; paint the picture of a successful outcome.

      Share your commitments so others can hold you accountable.

      Model accountability with others.

  • About The Book
    • Title: Winning With Accountability
    • Author: Henry J. Evans
    • Chapters: 8
    • Pages: 96
    • ISBN: 978-0981924205

Mindmap-Book Summary-ToFlourishOrDestruct

Mindmap-Book Summary-ToFlourishOrDestruct

  • About To Flourish or Destruct
    • Date Read: Novemeber 28, 2015
    • Author: Christian Smith
    • ISBN: 978- 0- 226- 23200- 3
    • 353 pages
    • MyRating: 5 Stars
  • Introduction
    • 1. What basic motivations andinterests generate and direct human action?

      2. What is by nature good forhuman beings— that is what are real human goods ?

      3. How should weunderstand and explain the lack of goodness— sometimes even the defi nitedestructiveness and evil— that are so prevalent and damaging in human life?

      4. Why do people do anything they do?

      5. What moves or compels peopleto action?

      6. What does anyone do when they wake up from sleeping and why dothey do that and not something else?

      Motivating This Inquiry

      4 Standard Accounts and a Fifth Upstart

      • 1. dependent norm- followers
        • This approach which takes a macroperspective assumes that the primary fact of social life is “society ” on which individualpeople are dependent through socialization for the cultural and institutionalnorms values and meanings that govern their goals choices and behaviors

          People are the cultural products of their societies

      • 2. materialist group- interest seekers
        • This approach6 i n t roduc t ionalso takes a macroperspective assuming a kind of rational egoism in partialsolidarity operating at the group level which produces collectivities that allywith and vie against each other in order to increase their mostly material shared advantages. 681 6

          This view emphasizes objective material interests that dividehuman social groups social institutions as fi elds of struggle on which arewaged the confl icts of contending groups to realize their interests and unstablesituations of domination oppression subordination and exploitationthat result. -131 6

      • 3. rationallyacquisitive individuals.
        • This approach shifts down from the macro- to themicroview.

          the primary unit of human life is the autonomous selfinterested rational individual choice maker who spends his or her life engagedin strategic decision making and actions designed to increase materialwell- being power security domination of others and social status

          “Society”here is the aggregate of relatively stable sets of social exchanges thatarise from individual actions.

      • 4. communicative interactingmeaning- makers 321 6
        • This approach largely rejects the previous models emphasizinginstead the continuous fl ow of microinteractions among purposive symbol- wielding agents who are most basically seeking to construct andsustain meaningful defi nitions of reality identities and respectable relationshipsin their lives.

          “Society” here is the aggregation of empirical patternsof interactions among meaning- constructing actors

      • 5. evolved neuro- genetic- biochemical behavers
        • In this approach humans areassumed to be nothing more than biological organisms that happen to embodymore highly evolved (that is more complex and capable) functionscompared to other biological organisms.

          Those organisms and their functionsare best understood and explained by reducing their complexity to theirmost elementary genetic neural and chemical parts and processes 26 6

          Reproductivefi tness in processes of evolutionary natural selection determines andexplains the nature and behavior of all living organisms including humansand their social lives. 26 6

          People and their societies are the complex products ofbiologically grounded forces of natural selection 26 6

      The Personalist Alternative 6

      • Personalist theory claims that all adequate understandings of human lifemust take seriously the fact that human beings are persons and not somethingelse.

        This requires that we understand what persons are what distinguishesthem from nonpersonal entities 6

        It is not enough to know something abouthuman bodies or genetics or social interactions. We need to understand moreof the fullness of what it means to be a person. Only by understanding thepersonhood of human beings will we adequately be able to understand andexplain people and their social relations because humans cannot be properlyunderstood apart from their personhood. 6

      Personalism’s Promise

      Other Theoretical Resources

      critical realism

      • Critical realism believes in ontological realism epistemic perspectivalism and judgmental rationality all held together

      ontological realism

      • that human knowledge aboutreality is always historically and socially situated and conceptually mediated

      epistemic perspectivalism

      • it is nonetheless normally possible forhumans over time to improve their knowledge about the real to adjudicaterival accounts and so to make justifi ed truth claims about reality

      Human Nature?

      • “human nature” is anantiquated term for many often associated with illegitimately essentialistviews of humanity if not archaic religious doctrines of human sin or optimistic

        “essentialistic

        Human beings are not exempt from these regularities. We humansinvolve and function through and up to certain natural characteristics capacities tendencies and limitations that do not depend for existence on humanbeliefs and cultural practices— which by contrast we should think ofas “mind dependent” and “constructed.” 29 4 6

        Humans have a nature a humannature as I mean that here. It is human nature for instance to tend stronglyto seek to avoid death (except under the pathological condition of severe depression) just as it is natural for human bodies to seek to repel threats tohealth and to heal themselves when infected or injured. 29 4 6

        The fi tting response to a certaintruth being abused is not to deny the truth wholesale but to condemn andreject that abusive use to stop abusing it now and to be more careful to understandand use it properly. 29 140 6

      The Purpose of Theory

      Why Ontology? 33

      Final Thoughts 34 22 6

      • Social science’s greatest value rather is to serve as a mediumof self- refl exivity for human persons and societies. We humans are not onlythe subjects of our actions but also often the objects of our own knowledge refl ection and evaluation. We not only think and evaluate as selves we alsothink about and evaluate ourselves as selves 34 6
  • Chapter-1. Critical Realist Personalism—Some Basics
    • The center and touchstone of personalist social theory is the human person.

      The Reality of the Person -94 6

      • The most basic belief underlying personalist theory is that human personsare real entities with ontological being that exist in nature -94 6

        Persons and personhoodare not mere names we give to gesture toward something that seemsreal but in fact is a mere appearance or fabrication. By calling ourselves “persons”we are not simply evoking a fi ction of folk psychology that has no substantialreferent. 4 6

        The word “persons” refers to real entities that which wehumans ontologically are. 4 6

        Personhood is a real thing what philosophers calla “natural kind.” 4 6

        Persons have being naturally as a particular kind of entitywith characteristic capacities features and tendencies that are distinct fromnonpersonal entities. 4 6

        Persons are one particular part of the larger order ofreality in the nature of things. 4 6

        They are not human cultural constructions(although our theories about them which is different from the “them” aboutwhich we have theories are human constructions 4 6

        the personhoodof persons cannot be disaggregated in a reductionistic operation tosome lesser or simpler collection of parts without a loss of ontological essentials 4 6

        The personhood of persons is irreducible.3 So when we ponder what relatedto human social life might be real what actually exists what belongs toa human social ontology human persons are among them as primary facts 6

        Human life never could be constructed and lived in some places or times ina way in which personhood was absent. Where there are living humans wefi nd persons.4 That is because personhood is a particular natural and centralaspect of human being 6

      The Centrality of Persons

      A Realist View of Reality

      • The real
        • The real as noted above is what exists— material nonmaterial andsocial entities that have structures and capacities. The real exists whether weknow or understand it. It possesses objective being apart from human awarenessof it even when parts of it are not expressed in existential actuality
      • Theactual
        • Theactual by contrast is what happens as events in the world when entities thatbelong to the real activate their powers and capacities. The actual happensin time and space whether any person experiences it or not.
      • The empirical
        • The empirical by contrast again consists of what we humans experience or observe eitherdirectly or indirectly. By defi nition empirical matters are actualities that areobserved or felt. Thus what we observe (the empirical) is not identical to allthat happens (the actual).

          The actual comprises much more than the empirical.And neither the actual nor the empirical are identical to all that hasexistence (the real).

      The empirical is always a subset of the actual and the actual is the outcome ofoperations of entities that belong to the real. The three must not be confl atedor else we fall into problems 11 -1

      level of personhood

      • bodies
      • organs
      • cells
      • molecules
      • atoms

      personhood

      • own nature
      • capacities
      • tendencies
      • persons also interact andoperate

      entity 1 -1

      • An entity is simply something that has existence that has beingand so is and exists. The word “entity” derives from the Latin word ens meaning being. 1 -1

      The Ontology of Personhood – -1

      What are humans? -96 -1

      • humans are most importantly persons -96 -1

      What is a person? -96 -1

      • What are the important components capabilities tendencies goods purposes and limitations of persons?

        To be a personis to possess and experience qualities of depth multiplicity and intricacythat could never be fully transparent or fathomed. – -1

        The personhood of humansentails so many dimensions powers goods interests activities enigmas and paradoxes that persons can never be fully described determined orcontrolled. – -1

        Human personhood cannot therefore be compacted down to oneor a few key features that could supposedly represent the essence or simplicityor resolution of persons – -1

        By “person” I mean the particular kind of being thatunder proper conditions is capable of developing into (or has developedinto) a conscious refl exive embodied self- transcending center of subjectiveexperience durable identity moral commitment and social communication who— as the effi cient cause of his or her responsible actions andinteractions— exercises complex capacities for agency and intersubjectivityin order to develop and sustain his or her own incommunicable self in lovingrelationships with other personal selves and with the nonpersonal world 140 -1

      What does human social life consist?

      What are its key component parts?

      How arethey ordered and disordered?

      What causal powers do different kinds of socialentities possess?

      What consequences in human life do they produce?

      The Emergence of Personhood

      Emergence involves the following

      • 1. two or more entities that exist at a “lower” level interact or combine

        2. that interaction or combination serves as the basis of some new realentity that has existence at a “higher” level.

        3. the existence of the newhigher- level entity is fully dependent upon the two or more lower- level entitiesinteracting or combining as they have and could not exist without themdoing so.

        4. the new higher- level entity nevertheless possesses characteristicqualities (for example structures qualities capacities textures powers)that cannot be reduced to those of the lower- level entities that gave riseto the new entity possessing them

      Personhood is emergent

      The personal nature of human beings is notsome discrete substance residing somewhere inside the human body that inprinciple could be spatially located in some organ or other bodily area

      Nor ispersonhood an independent being or spirit that could be separated from theliving body.

      The best surgeon could not locate and remove the personhoodfrom humans.

      The best exorcist could not “cast out” the person from a humanbeing or body even assuming that exorcisms happen

      Personhood is anemergent fact of human existence “arising” emergently from living activehuman bodies and in each case infusing and partially governing living human bodies. 622 -1

      Living humans therefore do not “have” persons somewhere insideof them.

      Living humans are persons

      Their own vital life principles presentin and as bodies from the very start proactively develop bodily groundedcapacities and functions that give rise through emergence to full expressionsof personhood

      The emergent nature of personhood means that persons cannot beequated directly with the various human capacities and functions thatthrough emergence give rise to them

      Personhood cannot be reduced forexample to human capacities for rational thought language use or meaningmaking.

      Personhood instead is that which proactively brings the latter capacitiesinto being and function. Just as the characteristic features and capacitiesof water (liquidity capacity to dissolve salt ability to extinguish fi res and soon) cannot be properly explained by merely looking at hydrogen and oxygenas individual substances human personhood cannot be understood as themere collection of certain human capacities

      Personhood emerges as its ownontological reality sui generis in relation to those capacities and the empiricalrealization and expression of personhood depends on their unfolding andexercise. But personhood cannot be reduced to those capacities

      two ways emergenceoperates

      proactive

      • With proactive emergence the emergent entity involves some governing agency and power to cause thedevelopment and behavior of the relationally interacting parts on which theemergent entity is dependent for being. 133 -1

        With responsive emergence by comparison some agent other than the emergent entity causes parts to interactrelationally which then constitutes the emergent entity 133 -1

        A simple example ofresponsive emergence is an inkjet or laser printer. The printer is an emergentreality consisting of more than the sum of its printer parts and possessingcausal powers to effect changes in the world such as printing clean words ona page. But the emergent printer was not the agent that caused the printerto create itself. The agent was the printer manufacturer. The printer existsthrough emergence because another agent the manufacturer designed andassembled printer parts in such a way to produce an emergent printer that itknew would be a printer and print. Emergence here is responsive insofar as itexists as a response to the operations another’s agency achieves. Responsivelyemergent entities are thus the objects of emergent processes and outcomescaused and guided by another agent. 327 -1

      responsive

      • proactive emergence involves cases in which the agency of the emergent operations resides in or is the emergent entity itself -48

        Here theemergent entities are the subjects of the emergent processes and outcomeson which they depend. -161 -1

        for example the emergent bodily life of a tiger.The tiger’s bodily organism as a single whole is in fact emergent from therelation of its various body parts and could not exist apart from them. Butthose body parts were developed and coordinated in the fi rst place by thetiger’s life organism. Before the parts ever existed the tiger existed at fi rst asa single- cell organism. The whole of its unifi ed life precedes and producesthe parts. And that organism contained within itself the capacity as a selfgoverningand self- developing agent of life of its own life to draw on nourishment develop its parts and coordinate them together in such a way asto produce emergently the normal mature tiger organism it becomes.

      Human persons are proactively— not responsively— emergent realities

      • Persons are not subsequent products of purely physical processes the fi naloutcomes of a temporal series of events governed by other agents at the endof which persons emerge.

      Against Reductionism

      • Reductionism is a ruinous move many thinkers in various sciences make.Its approach is to claim that an emergent entity can be best understood andexplained by reducing it to its lower- level component parts from which theentity came through emergence into being and then proposing a descriptionor explanation only with reference to those parts and not the emergentnew whole.

        reductionism asserts that an emergent reality is in factnothing but the parts from which the reality emergently came into being andcan only be explained in terms of them— an act of radical and unacceptablecompaction.

        What does reductionism look like when applied to humans?

        Humanbeings one version of reductionism says are nothing but the material elements(carbon hydrogen and such) that compose them.

        Human minds anotherasserts are nothing but packs of neurons and neurotransmitters. Onereductionist sees nothing in the experience of human love but the operationof hormones and pleasure neurotransmitters at work –

        Another sees little elsein human behavior than selected- upon genes pushing people to act in certainways. –

        another claims that human morality amounts to nothing but culturalinventions designed to promote domination and social control –

        Otherreductionist approaches argue that human social relationships are simplymeans by which resources fl ow through social networks or that all apparentacts of kindness altruism and generosity are nothing but self- interestedstrategies to indirectly maximize pleasure or reproductive fi tness. –

        Reductionist claims take this standard form:

        • “I know that you and otherpeople normally think that P is really a complex matter of A B C . . . X Y and Z. But I as a scientist who knows the real truth of the matter tell youinstead that P is really nothing but e” (or k or s or whatever other oversimplified idea).

          Reductionism squashes complicated emergent complexity intoits simple preemergent components and then thinks that its account betterdescribes and explains reality.

          Reductionism’s fatal move is to fail to see all ofthe new properties capacities and tendencies that come into being at higherlevels of reality through processes of emergence which do not exist at thelower levels of reality from which the higher comes emergently into being

          Reductionism proceeds as if emergence simply does not happen— and inignoring emergence it misrepresents reality. It says in its most ridiculousform that water is really “nothing but” H and O for instance. 289

          But doing thatfails to see one of the most important factors at work in the way things actuallyare which produces the kind of reality we have 289

          In the case of water itfails to see that the covalent bonding of H2 and O bring into being an entirelynew substance— water— with properties capacities tendencies and limitationsof its own that do not exist at the level of H and O. 483

        It takes a world that is multidimensionally differentiated complex and stratifi ed and turns it into a simple fact or operation. It takes beingsthat are absolutely invaluable and turns them into $4.50 worth of material

        Personalism

        • Personalism insists that “nothing- but” reductionism is unacceptable becauseit mis- recognizes the way reality is put together and mis- describes the very realityit claims to illuminate and explain

          It pronounces on reality with a stunningobliviousness to emergence and falsifi es everything important that emergenceproduces.

          When applied to persons reductionism must especially beresisted and denounced because it inevitably depersonalizes human beings

          personalism says is not only bad science but also a moral crime

        Personal Centers with Purpose

        • Persons are by nature “centers with purpose.”

          To be a person that is reasonablywell developed in existential expression is to exist and operate as a governingcenter of consciousness and action oriented toward pursuing certainpurposes.

          The centeredness of persons is what enables us to coordinate andintegrate the immense number of sensory cognitive affective volitional andother inputs experiences and outlooks into relatively unifi ed singular livesand life projects.

          centeredness of persons

          • sensory
          • cognitive
          • affective
          • volitional
          • experiences
          • outlooks into relatively unifi ed
          • singular livesand life projects

          persons are centers means

          • That persons are centers means that they are not mere conglomerations inventories or compilations of diverse features. There is at the core of theperson a centering interior focal point of personal being consciousness andactivity.

            Persons exhibit structures of internal organization that provide a hubor nucleus of coherence and continuity of awareness and action.

            It is notthat persons are perfectly unifi ed harmonized or consistent internally. Weare not.

            Personal being involves certain degrees of internal disconnection disjuncture and lack of integration among parts

            People’s structures of beliefand patterns of behavior for example do not always consistently add up.

            The normally developed person by contrast operates primarilyout of a deep single centered nucleus of being self- governance andself- direction. -25

          Personal centers also have natural purposes 40

          • unfashionable theidea might be in science today personalism holds that personal human lifereally involves natural purposes real teleological ends that properly belong topersons by nature. 40

            many people’s purposes in life are culturallylearned and so vary across social contexts— one person purposes to be arock star another to fulfi ll their life in the untouchable caste 40

            They are alsomore basic than the kinds of purposes just noted (see chapter 5). Sometimespeople think and behave in ways that deny or violate these real natural anduniversal human purposes. But that itself does not make them unreal unnatural or nonuniversal. 235

            It simply means that those people are thinking andliving in denial or violation of the real nature of their personhood. That (livingin denial of reality) too is a real capacity of human personal being whichis sometimes actualized empirically 235

          Ontological Being and Existential Realization 557

          Ontology

          • Ontology is the philosophical study of the nature of being becoming existence or reality as well as the basic categories of being and their relations. Traditionally listed as a part of the major branch of philosophy known as metaphysics ontology deals with questions concerning what entities exist or may be said to exist and how such entities may be grouped related within a hierarchy and subdivided according to similarities and differences. Although ontology as a philosophical enterprise is highly theoretical it also has practical application in information science and technology such as ontology engineering.

          Personalism insists that all living human beings are ontologically persons fully and completely with all of the implications the status of personhoodentails.

          Personal being in fact is what develops through the maturing humanbody from the start of life toward its own greater actualization and expression moving through proactive emergence toward realizing and enacting itsessential nature in human development over the life course.

          What varies in human life -318

          • What varies in ehuman life then is not the being of personhood which belongs to the realand exists either completely or not at all. What varies rather is the extent towhich that real personhood is actualized realized and expressed somethingthat concerns not the real but the actual and empirical. -318

          Real personhood example 4

          • Real personhood can in some abnormal instances remain signifi cantlyunrealized in the realm of the actual although below a certain threshold ofrealization life stops and personhood perishes 4

            A fetus that because of geneticanomalies stops growing properly for example will encounter severe limitsto the actualization of his or her real personal being and may die as a resultof body dysfunctions. 4

            A severely physically and mentally disabled child maylive much longer but will also face profound limits on his or her potentialto bring to full actualization his or her ontologically real personhood 4

            Thedisabled child is fully a person but the degree of actual realization and expressionof that real personhood will be constrained. 4

            real personhoodthat has already been signifi cantly realized in life experience can alsolater become severely damaged or deteriorated in the extent of its actualizationand expression. 4

            brilliant “renaissance woman” who is a scholar anartist and an athlete for example may as a result of an automobile accidentfall into a coma. As a living human she remains 100 percent a person evenwhile in a coma but the realization and expression of her personhood inactuality has become radically damaged and may never return

            the 100 percent

            • In most lives the 100 percent ontologically real personhood of living humans fi nds itself more or less ableto signifi cantly develop realize express and enjoy his or herself in actuality.The more that is able to happen the better it is and the more the humangood is potentially achieved

            flourishing persons 105 34

            • human persons— unlessthey are radically damaged— naturally possess within the province of theirgiven personhood all of the necessary “equipment” to become and live asfl ourishing persons. 105 34

              Persons normally come into being in the world naturallyequipped with all of the necessary potential systems capacities andteleological orientation to develop into fully realized persons 105 34

              The componentsand powers required for persons to develop the full realization of theirpersonhood come innate with the person from the start— although thosepowers are sometimes diminished in cases of persons who are radically damaged. 168 34

              Persons do not need subsequent to their conception anything from theoutside that is necessary and essential for their personhood per se. All dimensionsof human personhood come “fully installed ” so to speak in inconceivablycompact and dense potencies given from the fi rst hour of life. 34

              Nothingsubstantively new to personhood per se needs to be added from outside.What persons need from the outside are humanly and materially nurturingenvironments in which their natural innate capacities for personhood candevelop grow in health mature and thrive 34

            degree of the empirical development and realization 34

            • 1. absolute real being 34
            • 2. variable empirical actualization and expression of that being 34

            nurturing contexts

            • Personhood comes already provided in full and completebeing- in- potential bundled in unimaginable density in the natural componentsof the human body

              Personhood comes once fi rst established as inherent“equipment” that only needs in the course of natural developmentto unfold evolve and become mature and shaped well by the right kind ofhuman and material environments.

              What persons crucially need from theoutside then are nurturing contexts to foster the greater realization of personhood.In short human personhood per se once conceived is ontologicallyself- given self- existent self- carrying and self- developing even thoughcontextually and developmentally persons are extraordinarily dependent onexternal environments for proper nurture love and training

        Persons in Social Relations

        nurturing human

        • love
        • protection
        • nourishment
        • teaching
        • development
        • recognition
        • affi rmation
        • direction
        • discipline

      humans are social animals

      • 1. humans are dependently social creatures.
        • They are necessarily social in this sense becausefrom the start of life to its end humans depend on other humans for sustenance nurturance protection fellowship

          people are dependenton other people simply to survive and grow

          Without any social relationshipsfrom the start human persons would wither and die 522 34

          Sociality is thus a functionalrequirement of survival and health for the kind of embodied animalthat humans are. 522 34

      • 2. human are constitutionally social 651 34
        • living in social relationshipswith other persons expresses what persons are. -96 34

          Social relationships are notsimply instrumental means to sustain life and health. They are that too butthey are much more. -96 34

          It is not the case that if only people could be materiallyself- suffi cient then they would not need other people to be persons -96 34

          To be aperson is constitutionally in part “to develop and sustain one’s own incommunicableself in loving relationships with other personal selves.” -96 34

      personal social relationships

      • family
      • clan
      • kin
      • neighborhood
      • village
      • town
      • school
      • team

      persons are the products of their societies 34

      • people acquire their personhood through their social relationships 34

        People’spersonhood in its ontological reality is a natural fact of their human being from start to end. 34

        all living human beings are persons. This being thecase it is impossible for society to be the source of our personhood 34

        Socialrelationships and institutions do not confer create or construct persons anymore than they do brains 34

        Persons are a natural kind of ontological realityoriginating in innate human being at the start of life and developmentallyunfolding in time- space existence. So the standard sociological mantra that“people are social constructions” is wrongheaded 34

      Causal Realism 196 34

      Critical realist personalism is causally realist 34

      That means believing thatcauses of states of affairs and events exist even when we cannot see them 34

  • Chapter-2. Rethinking Motivations for Action
    • Human motivations questions 3
      • Why does any person do anything? 3

        When people wake up from sleep what dothey do with the hours ahead of them and why? 3

        By “do” I mean a wide rangeof activities in which humans engage extending from somewhat mindlesshabitual motions to purposeful determined actions. Is what people do coordinatedtoward any larger ends? 3

        Are humans trying to accomplish somethingparticular with the spending of their lives? 3

        Or are people’s activities random disorganized or arbitrary? 3

    • Human actions are motivated 3
    • Do Motivations Matter? 3 395 34
    • What makes people act the way they do? 4 – 34
    • Causal Examples 4
      • Events happen in reality because forces exerted by real entities that havethe causal capacities and powers to bring about those events cause them 4

        All of these events arecaused. 4 34

        Atoxic vapor is given off by ammonia because chlorine added to it produces achemical reaction that releases chloramine. 4

        A door breaks open because thepolice kick it in. 4

        A savings and loan bank goes bankrupt because its depositorsmake a rush on the bank to withdraw their money 4

    • Expenditure of energy 4
      • Events happen because some entities possess the causal capacities toproduce the events capacities that various environmental conditions trigger 4

        Understanding the entities in reality and how their causal powers produceevents is what science is about. Furthermore the causal production of eventsrequires the ongoing expenditure of energy to sustain them 4

    • order to disorder 4
      • Nature tends to move from order to disorder in any isolated system 4

        maintaining order structure process or action requires the ongoing conversionand expenditure of energy from some contributing system. Thingsdo not simply happen. 4

        All movements are moved. Events require energyactivatedeffi cient causes to bring them about 4 335 34

    • What are Events 4 46
      • Human actions practices and habits are events 4 46

        They are not uncaused but are caused by something or other 4 46

        If we wish to understand and explainthem we need to understand what causes them. 4 46

        Involves identifyingthe specifi c sources and types of energy expended that function as the efficient causes of people’s actions practices or habits. 4 46

    • producingthe action 5 -282 34
      • Some seem to believe that social forces cause human actions in ways that do not require motivations as causes. Theidea of motivated human action by contrast says that some important process or force operating within actors— some capacity to exert causal powersto generate action that operate by or within human subjective consciousnessand intention— provides the energy that plays an important role in producingthe action.3 5 -282 34
    • features of human subjectivity 5
      • desires 5
      • beliefs 5
      • emotions 5
    • Motivated actions 5
      • are movements that are caused by expenditures of energyderived from systems internal to conscious human beings and governedin some way by human subjective capacities 5
    • 4 Motivation Skeptics Theory 5
      • 1. social determinism 5
        • actions are not caused by internal or subjective personal motives but rather by macro- or microsituational social forces impingingupon people from the outside 5
      • 2. hermeneutical purism 5
        • Others might say that when it comes to human life (as opposed to nonhumanobjects) identifying causes is simply the wrong and inappropriate form of explanation that human life is really about meaningful symbols and interpretationsand interactions not actions that are “mechanically” caused in the way chemical reactions are caused. 5
      • 3. empirical pessimism 5
        • Other skeptics say that the vast majority of what people do in life is not obviously ends- oriented that people do not seem to pay much direct attention to what they are doing that human doings are more like simple happenings than goal- driven undertakings and that people are often terrible at discerning the optimal means to attain desired ends and explaining the reasons fortheir actions to others 5
      • 4. doubtful decoupling 5 333 34
        • others keptics about motivations point to weak associations between what people say they value believe and desire and the ways they actually behave when itcomes to matters that should be influenced by those same values beliefs and desires. Let us label this view “doubtful decoupling.” 5 333 34
    • Objection to Motivation Skeptics 5 526 32
      • 1. Social determinism 5 526 32
        • The firstobjection to motivation (social determinism) presupposes a false dichotomyand unnecessary zero- sum opposition between personal and social causes ofaction 5 526 32

          It fails to recognize that social causal forces normally work in conjunctionwith and through processes of personal motivations 5 526 32

          Causal infl uencesof social contexts provide or confront actors with opportunities constraints information incentives norms expectations routines costs benefi ts pubre t h i n k i ng mot ivat ion s for ac t ion 65lic moralities and the like which are normally processed by human agentsalso engaged in motivated action. 5 656 32

          So structure and agency are not mutuallyexclusive competing forces in social life. 5 656 32

          Social structure is the emergentproduct of acting persons engaged in ongoing (usually) motivated activity.8Social determinism gives us no good reason to doubt that people’s motivationsoften cause their actions 5 656 32

      • 2. Hermeneutical purism 6 -93 32
        • Hermeneutical purism assumes a false distinction between how explanationworks in human and nonhuman realms 6 4 32

          Hermeneutical purists confusethe idea that certain important explanation- relevant aspects of human lifediffer from nonhuman life (which is true) with the more comprehensive andindefensible claim that human actions cannot be causally explained 6 4 32

          Thatrelates to a false dichotomy between symbolic meanings and causal forces 6 11 32

          Human beliefs desires purposes and cultural meanings are causally powerfulforces in personal and social life 6 11 32

          Among humans meanings have causalpowers to help generate action. 6 140 32

          A causal social science does not need to be and should not be mechanistic(in a bad sense) deterministic materialistic or scientistic 6 140 32

          Causation andhuman agency are not zero- sum rivals but when understood properly notonly coexist but also require each other for action and explanation 6 140 32

      • 3. Empirical pessimism 6 463 32
        • The third possible objection empirical pessimism appeals to observationsthat are often true about human action yet which do not tell us thatmotivations do not cause actions 6 528 32

          That conclusion does not follow from theempirical evidence. People are indeed often distracted confused ineffi cient and inarticulate when it comes to their activities 6 528 32

          Sometimes people’s behaviorsdo not seem very purposive instrumental or rationally deliberated. Sowhat? That does not eliminate motivated human actions. 6 528 32

          It only tells us that our theory of motivations must account for the dimensions of motivatedaction that are habituated uneconomical and operating below discursiveconsciousness 7 – 32

      • 4. Doubtful decoupling 7 6 32
        • the doubtful decoupling view also rightly notes a recurring fact ofhuman life: people’s verbal professions seem often to not closely match theiractions. 7 6 32

          People often say that they value X but then fail to act in ways thatwould accomplish X 7 6 32

          Again however that does not make motivations irrelevantto action. 7 6 32

          It merely tells us that the processes involved are more complexthan a simple “motive ? action” model would suggest 7 6 32

          The skepticism ofdoubtful decoupling also often begins by expecting a strong relationship betweensocial survey and interview measures of “values” or “beliefs” and people’sreal motivations— an often- unwarranted assumption 7 6 32

          Sometimes theseeming disconnect between people’s professions and actions is not becausethese are not connected in people’s lives but because social scientists’ methodsare often poor at identifying and measuring people’s real motivations 7 6 32

    • human life iscomplicated 7 168 32
      • research overdecades has shown moderate associations between professed values and intentionsand people’s actions.14 But even when the claims are not overstated there are good reasons— having to do with multiplicity and complexity—why people’s actions may not closely match their professed values beliefs and goals. People are usually trying to negotiate the implications of myriadvalues beliefs and goals (not just the one that a survey asked about) whichoften creates confl icting purposes and compromises decision making. Thatdoes not mean that actions are not motivated but simply that human life iscomplicated 7 168 32
    • The Reality of Motivated Action 7 32
      • Human behavior and action come in a variety of types and expressions. Someof it like sneezing snoring having seizures tics surges of adrenalin nocturnalemissions obsessive- compulsive disorders and (in certain circumstances)screaming in fright is essentially involuntary 7 622 32

        motivations 8 390 32

        • causal energy and direction the organized patterning of people’s desires beliefs and emotions provide that move people to choose initiate andoften persist in particular actions or general strategies in specifi c contexts 8 390 32

        3 Components of motivated action 8 390 32

        • G = Goal Intention 8 390 32

          P = Person 8 390 32

          A = Action 8 390 32

          The desire to employ the means of A cause P to do A 8 390

          1. There is some goal G that person P affectively desires or intends to bring about 8 390 32

          2. Person P believes that by performing action A he or she will likely help achieve G 8 650 32

          3. this (i) emotionallyladen desire or intention for G (ii) belief in the causal effects of A regardingG and (iii) desire to employ the means of A cause P to do A. 8 650 32

        What then are“reasons? 9 –

        • Reasons are considerations that justify or explain certain actions to actors and others 9 –

        Two Types of Reasons 9

        • normative 9
          • Motivated actions can be thought of as actions that are carried out by actorswho can in principle provide normative reasons for them 9

            The reasonsgiven thus provide an account for why an actor acted as he or she did insofaras the reasons tell why the actor thought certain considerations counted infavor of the action 9

        • explanatory 9
          • consist of an account of the explanatory reasons making theactions intelligible 9

        The Ontology of Motivations 9

        • Human motivations for action are real and important. But what are they? Ofwhat do they consist? The human capacity to engage in motivated action isgrounded in the real multiple and interacting natural powers and tendenciesof normal human personhood 9 76

          Human persons naturally possess the capacitiesthat interact and combine to produce the causal mechanisms by whichmotivations produce actions 9 76

          The ability tendency even inevitability of humansto act on the basis of action- generating motivations is thus a natural inbuilt feature of the nature of normal human persons 9

          Persons conceivedas “centers with purpose” require and give rise to motivated action. 9

        Warning on Motivations 9 333

        • Motivations are real routinely experienced and acted upon by all normal human actors they cannot be observed by others and emprically accessible outside of one’s own experience. 9 333

          Nobody can directly look at touch hear or taste other people’s motivations per se.28 They existat a “deep” level of reality within the subjectivity of persons.29 9 333

          Motivations can also beindirectly observed and measured by their observable effects and by the (admittedlyfallible) reports of human agents 80 -91

          Social scientists can furthermorebelieve in the existence and power of motivations for action by means of“inference to the best explanation” (IBE) considering all of the relevant factorsinvolved 80 -91

        Human motivations to action consist of combinations of 3 Items 9 333

        • Beliefs 9 333
          • a premise or proposition that people consciously or tacitly regard to be true 80 39

            beliefs are mentalattitudes of a certain kind directed toward premises or propositions specifi -cally those that are taken to be true 80 39

            Beliefs concern what is traditionallylabeled the cognitive aspect of mental life 80 39

            “Beliefs” arecommonly thought to be something like “propositional ideas that people activelyconsider adopt refl ect upon and readily express when questioned”—the sort of thing one might expect as a confession of faith by an educated committed Protestant. But that is only one possible kind of human belief and an unusual one at that. 80

            In fact beliefs come in a broad range of forms.32Philosophy provides a helpful hint here. When philosophers use the word“beliefs ” they simply mean the specifi c kind of mental attitude toward thingspeople regard as true 80

            Those beliefs may be mindful or thoughtless vehementlydefended or taken for granted as obvious refl ected upon or acceptedwithout consideration and objectively veritable or false 80

        • Desires 81 2
          • Human desires encompass a wide range of personal subjectiveorientations to objects conditions and experiences 81 2

            astate of embodied mind or “pro attitude” that combines attraction and willtoward some object state of being or experience 81 2

            Desires concern what wastraditionally labeled the “conative” aspect of mental life 81 2

            We must for anadequate theory of motivated human action understand human “desires” ina broad enough way to account for the actual range of kinds of them thatpeople have and the different ways those desires enter into the motivationalprocess 81 2

            Clearly desires (at least those of which we are aware) are subjectivelyfelt states yet they are also grounded in the biological substrate of thebody and brain. 81 2

            For some people “desires” means something like pressingyearnings cravings longings or passions that exist in conscious awarenessand that can be expressed in words if necessary 81 2

            Examples 81 2

            • “I really want to buy a newcar” 81 2
            • “I cannot resist ordering the chocolate cheesecake” 81 2

            Many desiresoperate in people’s lives without their conscious awareness immediaterefl ection or capacity to be communicated with words. 81 131

            Sometimes peoplehave desires that are literally unconscious that have roots in relationshipsand experiences far beyond the access of normal memory or refl ection (suchas for example the un- self- refl ective knee- jerk reaction of resisting all authorityfi gures). 81 131

            Sometimes people have signifi cant desires that operate farin the background of their fi eld of focused awareness that are rarely if everrecognized in the course of ordinary life yet in principle are susceptible toretrieval inspection evaluation and revision (such as people’s cravings forrecognition and status or physical affection) 81

            Then again people often havemany diffuse unfocused or generalized (though not strictly unconscious)desires that can nonetheless prove to be causally powerful in life (such as aninterest in novelty and unconventional experiences or the general wish tobanish all insecurity and disorder in relationships). 81

            Desires too can be selfishand unselfi sh. A good theory of human motivations needs to adopt thisbroader view of the nature of human desires both to be adequate to the realityand to be explanatorily satisfying when it comes to causes and outcomes 81 648

        • Emotions 82 -293
          • Many theories do not include emotions as constitutive partsof motivations.

            Emotions are complex psycho- physiological experiences orstates that environmental and biochemical forces generate

            Emotions concernwhat is traditionally labeled the affective aspect of mental and bodily life 82 –

            Emotional experiences or states entail some kind of physiological arousal thatis often (but not always) meaningfully interpreted in conscious awarenessand expressed in culturally appropriate behaviors 82 –

            Both the physical bodyand subjective awareness are involved in emotions. 82 –

            Various neurotransmittersand hormones such as dopamine serotonin and norepinephrine arecentrally involved in emotions 82 –

            Emotions have incredibly complex relationsto physiological operations of the brain as the underlying material substrateof affective subjective experiences.

            Emotions are also often consciouslyinterpreted as to their kind cause and signifi cance. People normally try toregulate the expression and experience of their emotions to fi t culturally normativeexpectations.

        • human emotions-basic and universal
          • happiness
          • sadness
          • surprise
          • fear
          • disgust
          • anger
        • Emotions
          • The etymological origins of the English word “emotion” are closely relatedto the word “motivation 82

            Emotions can powerfully propel actions and inhibitactions as they shape motivations in complex ways 82

            Emotion properserves to facilitate or regulate action 82 352

            Emotions are integrally enmeshedin the basic motivational processes of “anticipatory states and seeking systems 82 352

            Emotions involve a “power of teleology” involved in the “establishedfact” that “emotions . . . motivate. . . . 82 352

            Emotions are essentially implicatedin our capacity to live a coherent and reasonably well- regulated life; unlessyou care your life will be a mess; and whether or not you care is surprisinglyneatly attested by your galvanic skin response 82 352

            Emotions are “judgments of the body” that can be nonpropositionaland subjectively felt that help people both “know that” about life and“know how” to live life all of which helps comprise and govern motivationsfor action 82 481

            Emotions can be or help make up the cause of something wedo 82 481

            fairly robust fact about emotions that each of them goes together with one or several spontaneous action tendencies that if unchecked will result in action 82 676

            emotions as a “substantive psychological category”64 belong toa proper account of the ontology of human motivations 82 676

            Motivations areconstituted in part by human emotions -136

        ontology of motivations – 3 Faculties

        • 1. cognitive – of or being or relating to or involving cognition the cognitive part of the brain measures intelligence; The psychological result of perception and learning and reasoning

          2. conative – drives how one acts on those thoughts and feelings.

          3. affective – deals with emotions

    • The Teleological Orientation of Motivations
      • Teleology-(philosophy) a doctrine explaining phenomena by their ends or purposes

        Theory-we cannot rightly explain the actions ofpeople and institutions by reference to their supposed functional contributionto the telic end of the survival and well- being of “society” as a whole— acritique

        rational choice

        • the primary explicit exponents of teleologyin human life are rational choice theorists who presuppose that all people areoriented toward the end of increasing if not maximizing their benefi ts rewards or utility

          human activity is oriented toward the (greater) realization achievement or fulfi llment of desired goods 5

          the (greater) accomplishment of thosegoods lies in the future in the distance ahead in life

          The structure of thehuman motivational condition therefore is teleological that is oriented towardthe achievement of some unrealized future end (although the goodspursued are much more complex and specifi c than the “rewards” of rationalchoice theory)

          Human life is oriented toward certain ends which motivationsprovide the energy direction and focus to realize or fulfi ll. We commitno theoretical crime by thinking teleologically. But we need to focus thetelic emphasis of our theories not on “society” (as with functionalism) but onpersons on what they are trying to achieve in their lives— and by extension institutions insofar as they are constructed sustained led and representedby persons and so can be rightly said to be purposively pursuing ends

          To getit right we must also properly specify the telic ends toward which personslive. Rational choice theory is not wrong in believing that people are teleologicallymotivated. It is wrong primarily in the combination of narrownessor vagueness of the ends it assumes people are motivated to achieve

    • Adequate Complexity 463
      • Multiplicity and Incommensurability. We can start by recognizing that motivationsare irreducibly multiple and often incommensurate 39

        Motivationsare potentially complementary or confl icting but never unitary or simple 39

        no realistic or useful theory ofhuman motivations can proceed on the assumption that all signifi cant motivationscan be reduced to one single underlying latent or general basic ormegamotivation 39

        it has been common in the historyof social science for theories to posit or focus on one dominant if not exclusive interest or motivation. 168

        Monomotivational assumptions are standard insociology for example if and when motives are actually addressed 168

        Socialized norms

        • Marxism
          • Marxism for example posits the centrality of control over materialproduction

          Symbolic interactionism

          • Symbolic interactionism emphasizes either the generation andsustaining of intersubjective meanings or alternatively the maintenance ofcredible public moral identities

          Ethnomethodology

          • Ethnomethodology stresses the motivationto create orderly communications

          Hedonic theories

          • Hedonic theories claim that all motivationslead back to the “pleasure principle

          Rational choice theory

          • Rational choice theory posits rationalegoism’s motivation to maximize benefi ts and rewards relative to costs presuming that all ends and goods can be fi t on a commensurate scale of utility 622

          Many confl ict- based theories are built onthe assumption that humans are universally and for all practical purposes exclusively driven in actions to increase their wealth power security andstatus

          wealth

          power

          security

          status

        Downside of Monomotivational Theory 3

        • Monomotivationaltheories oversimplify and ultimately fail to explain social life without havingto engage in major conceptual and empirical qualifi cations or contortions 3

          They usually prove in the end to be either empirically false or theoreticallyvacuous or tautological 3

        Human Motivation has multiple sources 3

        • theory of motivated action must recognize that humanmotivations even basic motivations are multiple 3

          Human action is usuallydeployed to try to satisfy numerous different often competing motivations 3

          Motivations are also complex 3

          They do not usually organize into simple orneat sets but are instead fraught with complications intricacies and diffi culties 3

          the multiplicity and variety of many actual human motivations whether basic or otherwise are sometimes not commensurate in that theyentail enough qualitative differences between them that they cannot be compared weighted or evaluated on shared scales of importance consequence or value. 3

          different sorts of motivations often conglomerate intoclusters or sets that are more or less internally coherent 68

          Sometimes differenthuman motivations complement each other and so can be satisfi ed with oneaction or set of actions. 198

          human motivations for action are not singular simple easilycomparable or routinely convergent in their action- implications the ordinarybusiness of living life turns out to be not simple or easily focused and negotiated 520

          Daily life consists signifi cantly of people managing the innumerablecausal energies and directions of myriad sorts of motivations that push and pull in different directions for different reasons and with different intensities kinds and durations of force 650

          Normal human existence thus involves managingpersonal subjective “coordination and control centers” that processimmense fl ows of perceptions defi nitions associations desires emotions evaluations and the like in order to deploy adequately functional plans ofaction

          coordination and control centers

          • flows of perceptions
          • definitions
          • associations
          • desires
          • emotions
          • evaluations

          Constant Sorting Out

          • mixed motives
          • decision trade- offs
          • ethical dilemmas
          • temptations
          • compromises
          • mental self- control
          • suppression of desires
          • sublimation
          • displacements
          • denials
          • rationalizations
          • self- talk

          Overwhelmed Explained

          • Overloaded personal systems of motivationsmanagement are also in part why people become “overwhelmed” in life andneed rest sleep and diversion to recover and make better decisions and takebetter actions
    • Variance in Conscious Awareness
      • Human motivations for action also varyin the extent to which they are represented in conscious awareness beingsometimes conscious and entailing focused concentration sometimes habituatedand latent in consciousness and sometimes unconscious and even denied.84

        conscious

        habituated

        latent

        unconscious

        denied

        “I really want to pass this test ”

        Others operate further in the background of conscious attentiveness such as those compelling one’s driving to work (which is motivated even though people rarely have to explicitly think “I need to get into my carand drive to work now in order to perform my job so that I can sustain myselffi nancially”)

        a desire to succeed as a surgeon asa means to impress a demanding parent for whom one never felt quite goodenough.

        Motivations can move people even when they are not at the centerof their minds’ consciously focused attention.

        three levels of human un consciousness

        • 1. Focused Conciousness
          • Of all human sentient cognitive affective and volitionalactivity we have reason to believe that focused consciousness— that aboutwhich people have direct attentive awareness— involves lesser amounts ofcontent and mental activity 528

            The human capacity for focused conscious attentionand mental processing is highly limited and consumes large amountsof subjective resources. 528

          2. Habitual Automatic Routinized

          • the human capacity for habitual automatic routinized mentaland physical activity is vast

            Humans enjoy immense capacities to effi -ciently process mental activity and deploy bodily actions without having tofocus on them while they operate “in the background

            Human interests areable to organize a variety of habits and routines that operate on “automaticpilot.

            This dramatically increases the amount of activity in which humansare able to engage despite the limited capacities of focused consciousness 333

          human subjectivityalso includes a dimension that is inaccessible to the actor’s consciousawareness at any particular point in time— although in principle with work elements of the unconscious are capable of being brought to consciousness

          3. Unconscious

          • This human unconscious is real active and often causally potent
          • But in itsdeep subjectivity it remains beyond the access and inspection of consciousawareness
          • the boundary separating the unconscious from the habitualis somewhat porous

        emotional“transference”

        • A massive amount of human action is not but is rather habitual inertial and routinized or driven by subconscious processes such as emotional“transference” or the operation of an unacknowledged defense mechanisms.

          Most human actions that are habituated and latent in consciousnessnevertheless have origins in motivated purposive action; and the original andoften current motivations generating them usually can when questioned bebrought to awareness and explained.

          Much human action is habitual

          Most habitual actions are motivated. Most actions on “automaticpilot” once had to have been put on automatic pilot by a motivation that producedthat effect.

          “The beliefs informing the action do not disappear merelybecause they are not consciously refl ected upon each time. . . . Our beliefs andintentions can be variously located within our consciousness

          And whenwhat eventually became habitual— what people “can do in their sleep”— wasfi rst being learned the actions involved took some conscious focused deliberate motivated effort to acquire and execute. 39

        Habitual acts 361

        • Habitual acts . . . are merely “decayed” versions of earlier “true” actions andobviously have to be understood as such. If therefore conduct as presentlyperformed appears to lack any accompanying subjective meaning it is stillthe case that it must have been so accompanied at the point in the past whenthe actor learnt how to do it. The action characteristics of habitual conductnecessarily stem from the same source as those for “true” action— that of themind of the actor 361

        “developed”habits mindlessly

        • Many people’s habits have also been intentionally chosen and purposefullyformed to help achieve some desired outcome. Social scientists sometimestalk about people’s habits as if they are bad- to- neutral behaviors. People inthis view are seen as having “fallen into” habits or having simply “developed”habits mindlessly

          habits are viewed as larger social practices oflife— “the habitus”— imposed by social orders on individuals who then actthem out.

          Habits sometimes are practices intentionally taken on by persons thathelp to achieve the realization of goods 685

          Habits in short can express virtues(as well as vices) 0 3

        Motivated unconscious actions 0

        • “Motivated unconscious actions” also exist. Many human actions thatare driven by unconscious or denied motivations have biographical sourcesin the consciously experienced world and may be susceptible with help tobeing surfaced for examination and evaluation 0

          Actions whose motivationsare inaccessible to consciousness also normally have temporal connections toreal- world facts events and relationship even if in the distant past 0

          Not all ofthe human unconscious needs to be understood in terms of a Freudian psychodynamicmodel— contemporary psychology takes us well beyond that 0

          Most of the content of the human unconscious is not random or preprogrammed 0

          Most has been embedded in areas of the mind beyond consciousinspection by past experiences living in the world potentially going as farback as infancy— indeed arguably accumulating in human brain structuresfor millions of years of human history 0

          unconsciously motivated actionsare not compelled by free- fl oating random or materially determined forces but by dynamics that in principle may be traced back to experiences perceptions and reactions rooted in lived reality 0 341

          This means that people’s actionscan be motivated even when the motives are unconscious 0 341

        Variance in Intensity of Importance and Commitment 0 389

        • Motivations alsovary in the extent to which they are important to the persons who hold them 0 583

          That variance operates on a continuum from persons hardly caring aboutthem to their being life commitments for which actors are prepared to die 0 583

          People can be motivated in ways that refl ect the smallest of interests importance and commitments 0 583

          people may be willing to “give it shot ” but are also ready to quickly abandon the action with little sense of loss 0 583

        Variance in Temporal Durability 1 -100

        • Motivations for action vary in their durabilityover time on a spectrum from highly fl eeting motivations to highlystable and long lasting. 1 -100

          Some motivations are brief impulses that quicklypass whether or not they are satisfi ed. 1 -100

          Others stick with people for variousperiods of time and then eventually are satisfi ed or fade 1 -100

          Yet other motivationsare long enduring sometimes permanent in human personalities governingfundamental personal orientations and strategies over entire lifetimes 1 -100

          Theories of motivated action that constrain the motivational time horizonsto some artifi cially “typical” range (P wanted X P worked to get X P got X)underestimate the capacity for both fl eeting and lifelong motivations to generatesignifi cant action in different contexts and ways 1 -100

        Variance in Internal Coherence of Motivational Sets 1 -100

        • Specifi c motivationsfor action vary in their coherence with other personal motivations differingin the degree to which they are isolated from or well integrated into largerwebs or structures of personal motivation systems 1

          Nothing in a realist theoryof motivated human action requires that any of people’s particular motivesare well integrated into or driven by the force of a coherent bounded organized systematic scheme of ideas or desires. 1

          Particular motivations maybe linked to coherent ideologies or worldviews. They may belong to largersystems of compatible desires and beliefs. But they need not be 1

          Oftentimesparticular motives are not. 1

          Motivations can be integrated but they can alsobe idiosyncratic 1

          They may cohere in a larger structure of ideas and wants or they may operate in what seem to be random or inconsistent ways. Weneed not predetermine the coherence level of people’s motives as a standardfor being considered real or important but instead see systemic coherence asan open question. 1

          A motivation is a motivation if it moves action regardlessof how random incoherent contradictory consistent or integrated it maybe in relation to other motivations 1

        Variance in Degree of Internalization 1

        • Human motivations for action alsovary in the extent to which they are personally internalized or are prompted orhighlighted by infl uences outside the person. 1 528

          Some motivations (“intrinsic”)are central to integrated personal selves and are the basis of self- determinedactions. 1 528

          These internalized motivations prompt voluntary actions becauseof the inherent satisfaction for the actor of the motivated activities per se 1 528

          Other motivations (“extrinsic”) are more externally prompted and driven triggered and directed by actors situations and rewards outside of the personalactor beyond the enjoyment of the activities in and of themselves 1 528

          These can include what some scholars call amotivational states external regulation introjected regulation identifi ed regulation integrated regulation and intrinsic regulation.1 2 –

          But even when they lean in an extrinsic direction such motivated actions are not simply replaced by the determinative powerof “social forces ” as if in a zero- sum game. Again social forces normallywork on and through the real motivations of persons. 2 –

        Variance in Intentionality of Appropriation 2 –

        • Motivations also vary in thedegree to which they are actively or passively learned or adopted on a spectrumfrom passive absorption through unconscious acquisition to embracethrough purposeful choice. 2 39

          Not all motivations for action need to be of thesort that are purposefully considered and intentionally embraced by the peoplewho are moved by them to action 2 39

          Many motivations for action are internalizedthrough a variety of means over long periods of time includingways about which the persons involved have limited awareness and control 2 39

          Motivations are not limited to those that people appropriate with full awarenessand intention with regard to their purpose power and consequences 2 39

        Solitary and Repeated Actions 2 39

        • Motivations also vary in the extent to whichthe activities they cause are solitary or repeated in patterns of action or practices. 2 39

          Motivated actions vary across a spectrum of degrees of repetition fromsingular isolation to continual reiteration. 2 39

          Motivated actions may be isolated performed only once. 2 39

          Most actions however are not singular but come aspatterned repeated practices 2 39

        Temporal Development 2 298

        • Motivations are also often complex when considered in their temporal formation.An adequate theory of motivations needs to describe the complexityof motives when viewed in “cross- sectional” light (synchronically) and alsoto take a temporal view that describes how motivations develop within time(diachronically). 2

          Motivations often form in a multifaceted developmentalprocess of strengthening movement toward action 2

          This usually involvesthe developing stages of wishes current concerns intentions decisions andimplementation. 2

          The process by which motivations generate action in otherwords does not normally involve a complete 0- to- 1 movement from havingno motive to that of a full motivation immediately acted upon 2

          Motivationis often an internal developmental process involving multiple steps betweenthe spark of initial desire to the fi nal taking of action 101 represented as a fullblownprocess as follows: 2

          Motivation Process 2

          • initial belief(s) 2
          • wish formation 2
          • becoming a current concern 2
          • formingintentions 2
          • deciding 2
          • acting 2

          This motivational process can happen nearly instantaneously or can take along time to develop 3 7

          The temporal development of motivations does not stop once a motivatedaction has occurred however 3 -131 9

          Life is a continual fl ow of personal beingin experience action practice and habit. In that fl ow people’s motivationsare in dynamic motion. 3 -131 9

          Some motivations are satisfi ed and so dischargedand dropped. 3 -131 9

          Some are satisfi ed and sustained to continue to achieve theirsatisfaction. 3 -131 9

          Some are satisfi ed and give rise to new similar or related motivations. 3 -131 9

          Some motivations are frustrated and either abandoned or modifi ed. 3 -131 9

          Some motivations are over time in experience heightened in their consciousfocus. 3 -131 9

          Others are moved into the background of awareness. 3 -131 9

          Depending onpeople’s experiences they may integrate certain motives into larger coherentmotive sets. Others may split out particular motives from previously coherentsets concentrating on one motivation and dropping the previously relatedones. In short because people’s beliefs desires and emotions can anddo continually change— slowly and quickly— their motivations are also everin motion 3 4 9

          “centers with purpose” 3 100 9

          • The simple model depicted above which analytically representsthe temporal development of one motive usually operates at various pointsin a complex process for every motivation operating in every person. And abig part of what it is to be personal “centers with purpose” is to learn how toform manage and act well upon the motivations that are ever developing causing activity and realizing ends (or not) in life. 3 100 9

        Excursus: In Defense of Beliefs 3 508 9

        • Some social scientists believe that the content of people’s beliefs does notcount much in shaping their actions and behaviors.105 I cannot count thenumber of thesis and dissertation committees I have served on in which otherfaculty members declared during the defense “Forget what people supposedlybelieve subjectively. That predicts nothing. Focus instead on actual behaviors.” 3 508 9

          People’s beliefs at least some social scientists believe do little workhelping us to understand and explain their lives. 3 508 9

          What really matter arethings like social network ties habitus and habituated practices cultural repertoiresof action immediate social situations or organizational embeddedness. 3 508 9

          By contrast taking people’s beliefs seriously is associated with outdatedways of explaining human action often connected to Parsonian functionalism which emphasized the central role of “subjective” attitudes values andnorms. 3 623 9

          Beliefs 5 301 9

          • Beliefs are subjective entities referring to things people consciously ortacitly regard to be true 5 301 9

            Only some beliefs are represented by active refl ectionson expressed propositions that can be readily formulated into language. 5 301 9

            People are normally highly limited in their own awareness of their beliefs in their capacity to bring to consciousness the complex fullness of their relevantbeliefs and in their ability to represent their beliefs in words 5 301 9

            the real possible disconnect is between people’s beliefs and their talk abouttheir beliefs not between their beliefs and their actions 5 9

          “ineffable subjectivity”

          • Ann Swidler provides a good example. In an argument skeptical aboutpeople’s “ineffable subjectivity” and “ephemeral subjectivities ” Swidler suggeststhat culture is not about “individual ideas or values” and that “few[people] are presumably moved by deep belief in the principles that lie behind”their behaviors 6 43

            She claims for example that “middle- class Americansdo not ‘believe’ in Christmas gift giving ” in that they are critical of its commercialism hassle and cost (note that “believe” is put in quotation marks the meaning of which is unclear).118 Yet people give Christmas gifts anyway.Why? Because Swidler says 86 chap t e r twoChristmas gift giving constitutes a semiotic code (that is a set of relationallydefi ned meanings) in which the relative value of the gifts a person gives[to] others signals the relative importance with which she or he holds thoseothers. Not to give a gift would independent of the intentions of the giver be interpreted as a sign that one did not value the (non)recipient. What governsaction in this case then is not individuals’ internalized beliefs but theirknowledge of what meanings their actions have for others. 6 8 9

        Conclusion 101 9

        • Motivations we should understand as causing actions 101 9

          Human motivationsactually cause many human actions in the strong sense— they are not epiphenomenalmental states that merely accompany action or post hoc justifications for actions already taken for other reasons. 101 9

          To explain anythingsocial scientifi cally is to describe its causes what produced it or brought itabout. 101 9

          Since a large swath of human personal and social activities and thesocial structures that emerge from them are built on motivated actions socialscience must understand human motivations 101 9

  • Chapter-3. Against Social Situationism
    • “social situationism.”

      Important “schools” shaping social situationismhave been symbolic interactionism dramaturgical sociology phenomenology ethnomethodology social constructionism social role theory identitytheory discourse analysis and parts of cultural sociology.3 More broadly thetwentieth century’s “linguistic turn” has been central in forming situationism.Social situationism we may also understand as a reaction against (usuallyreal problems in) sociological Marxism Skinnerian behaviorism Parsonianfunctionalism Durkheimian holism utilitarian rational- choice theory andmetaphysically realist scientistic positivism. -94 9

      Some situationists view themselves as carrying forwarda neo- Weberian “action theory ” despite situationism’s actual radical redefining and overturning of Weber’s original vision (which most situationistsfail to realize).5 Others outright reject Weber as (allegedly) too closely linkedto Parsons. -94 9

      “the sociological perspective”

      The Situationist Outlook 8 9

      • People as people are the products of the social interactions in which theyengage over the course of their lives the social constructions of the discourses cultural repertoires knowledge systems language games andformations of self other people imprint upon them. 143 9

      “to be motivated . 1 139 9

      • “to be motivated . . . is not to be energized by internal or externalforces . . . rather it is simply to be in communication with others about thesense of one’s potentially questionable behavior. . . . Motives . . . are the termsin which the interpretation of conduct proceeds not the causes of it.”50 Thus“despite the beguiling temptation to search for the ‘deeper’ reason why a persondoes what he does . . . there is nothing ‘deeper’ we can infer from verbal(or for that matter nonverbal) phenomena. All we can ever hope to fi nd areother communicative forms 1 139 9

      Asylums 6 -4

      • Asylums is highly focused on issues of“personal defacement ” “being stripped of one’s identity kit ” “loss of identityequipment ” “prevent[ing] the individual from presenting his usual image ofhimself ” “hold[ing] . . . a humiliating pose ” “indignities . . . incompatiblewith his conception of self ” “territories of the self [being] violated ” “theembodiments of self profaned ” “a violation of one’s informational preserveregarding self ” “suffer[ing] the permanent mortifi cation of having . . . takenno action ” “the terror of feeling radically demoted ” “assaults upon the self ”“stress and encroachments on the self ” “personal failure ” and “stigmatization.”79 To avoid such problems people operate with the shared goal of sustaininga “working consensus” of the meaning of contexts so agree about“the desirability of avoiding an open confl ict of defi nitions of the situation.”80Goffman is completely clear that people’s actions have nothing to do with tryingto affi rm or enact moral standards for example even when the actionsclearly concern morality. Action is always only about amorally engineeringsocial impressions designed to affi rm and protect moral self- identities 6 -6 9

      self- identity theory 7 -17 9

      Burke’s self- identity theory for instance. Accordingto him central in all people’s motivation structures is the drive to avoidfeelings of distress disappointment sadness embarrassment shame anger rage annoyance hostility anxiety displeasure fear and depression and thepositive drive to enjoy feelings of competence effectiveness self- worth acceptance and authenticity. 7 -17 9

      Other social situationists agree with these arguments 7 381 9

      • According to Blumand McHugh for example “most fundamentally whatever a motivated actordoes will show his methods for affi rming himself as a person.”86 According toStryker people “incorporate societal defi nitions of appropriate role behaviorinto self and . . . internalize salient identities” through “two mechanisms.”First “persons will generally seek confi rmation or validation of their identities.”Second “people want to think well of themselves. In brief self- esteem.”The basic motivation of human life and action in short is to maintain a positiveaffi rmation of one’s self- identity. 7 381 9

      Motives 9 9

      • “Whatever the actual role of motives (and inmost cases that role is probably minor) humans impute motives— we explaineach other’s actions by assigning motives 9 9

        Motives are the stated reasonsfor an act the verbalized causes of human action that assumes intentions onthe part of the actor.” Therefore “whatever the many complex actual reasonsfor our action taking a certain direction the explanation we fi nd easiest togive involves deep- seated motives. 9 9

      What Situationists Could Have Said That Would Have Been Right 9 207 9

      • 1. People are profoundly infl uenced by the social interactions in which theyengage over the course of their lives such that the discourses culturalrepertoires knowledge systems and language games that (among otherthings) help comprise human social life profoundly affect the ways thatpeople’s natural personal capacities and life projects are developed expressed and directed 120 -62 9

        2. Human doings involve both personal (including interior subjective andprivate) and social dimensions such that people’s actions must be understoodin part as signifi cantly informed defi ned and guided by collectiveprocesses of social communication and pressure 120 -62 9

        3. One crucial activity in human life (among others) is the social communicationof cognitive defi nitions meanings knowledge rules vocabularies and grammars. 120 -62 9

        4. People’s actions are often highly responsive to the local variable and contingentinfl uences of immediate situations in which they fi nd themselvesat any given time which they routinely monitor interpret and respond toas they go about pursuing their interests and larger life projects 120 93 9

        5. Reliance on people’s subjective experiences as evidence for social scienceexplanations is possible and often necessary but also often challengingand fallible since subjective experiences are not directly observable bysecond parties are often not entirely transparent to those experiencingthem fi rsthand must be represented to others through symbolic communications and are only sometimes directive of people’s actions andpractices in straightforward ways. 120 93 9

        6. Although people’s actions and practices are in fact motivated by subjectiverealities such as desires beliefs and emotions the nature and operationof motivations for action are complicated and so must be approached andanalyzed with care and sophistication. 120 210 9

        7. One (among other) basic goal or goods that people pursue in their social interactionsand life projects is their own identity coherence and affi rmation. 120 9

        8. The accounts that people give to explain their actions and practices cansometimes and in varying degrees (though not always and in all ways)refl ect post hoc justifi cations and rationalizations rather than reliable explanationsof the real causes of their actions and practices. 120 9

      Where Social Situationism Goes Wrong 121 -176 9

      • Situationism overstates and misunderstands the waysin which persons are shaped by their societies 121 9

        Situationism fails to see thathuman personal life has an important and necessary interior subjective privatedimension. 121 9

        It compresses the many kinds of human life interests and activitiesinto the one concern of communication of defi nitions and meanings 121 9

        It fails to understand how actions are not shaped only by immediate situationsbut also by long- term identities life projects and moral commitments. 121 9

        It too- easily dismisses the idea of actions performed to achieve subjectivelymotivated ends 121 9

        Situationism also problematically compacts the variety ofhuman interests into the single concern with socially respectable self- identity 121 9

        It denies without warrant the possibility and frequent actuality that the accountspeople give for their actions may and sometimes do actually refl ectthe real reasons behind actions 121 250 9

        Situationism also often relies for validationon the results of social- psychology experiments that are inappropriate andartifi cial tests of the situationist behaviors in question 121 250 9

        socialsituationism recurrently takes initially helpful but limited and conditionalsociological insights into human doings and illegitimately infl ates them intocomprehensive totalizing exclusivist decrees 121 250 9

        social situationism wrongly andimpossibly denies the reality of genuinely motivated human action 121 9

        social situationism’s radical skepticism about “subjectivestates” that serves as the basis for its rejection of standard accounts of motivationsis also unjustifi ed and impossible. Without a belief that humans operatein life with reliance on some real subjective states or capacities that are genuinelycausally related to their actions— beliefs ideas feelings desires intentions and so on— social science becomes a meaningless and hopeless enterprise. 123 9

      “The Imputationof Motives”

      “Causal knowledge ” he observed “is always inferential never immediate.”

      The causal nexus like every other relationship between data is not itself adatum. It can never be vindicated by perception or by any of the devices thatcome to the aid of perception. The assertion of any relationship . . . involvesthe appeal to reason and its establishment is a scientifi c construction 123 9 9

      Motivations that give rise to action therefore may be and in fact are entirelyreal even though they can in any direct sense “never be vindicated byperception.” 123 9 9

      “the postulate is not the existence of motives [per se] but the presence of a particular motive within the scheme of a particular situation.” 123 5 9

      there is no doubt that motivations are real; the onlymatter in question is which specifi c motivations are important in any givensituation. One of the ways we know motivations are real MacIver says isthrough our own directly phenomenological human experience of their presenceand operation inside ourselves 124 -168 9

      That motives . . . belong to the world of reality is established by the best of allevidences— that of immediate experience. We are all aware that we have motives.. . . To the agent himself these subjective urges are important as conditionsand explanations of his act. For him they constitute its why 124 -168 9

  • Chapter-4. Human Nature and Motivation in Classical Theory
    • The Dualism of Human Nature
      • Durkheim’s understanding ofhuman being is the idea of the “constitutional duality of human nature” orHomo duplex.

        He believed that all humans embody and experience a doublenature which expresses itself in a dual consciousness

        Humans sense themselves he observed as being composed of body and soul.

        We experience corporealsensations but also concepts in conscious awareness

        We know sensualappetites but also feel moral rules impinging upon those appetites

        We haveindividual psychologies but also live as social beings.

    • 2 sides of dual human nature 132 -93 9
      • Individual 132 -131 9
        • dual human nature are the individual embodied “organico- psychic” aspect of human being on the one hand 132 -131 9
      • socially 132 4 9
        • the sociallydeterminedfact of human existence on the other 132 4 9
    • Implications for Human Motivations -37 9
    • Karl Marx 7 253 9
      • human beings have natural constant universal biological needs that mustbe met in order to survive much less to thrive 9 133

        human nature is the naturalhuman fact of consciousness and self- consciousness. Humans do not merelysubsist. Humans are consciously aware creatures sentient about not only theirmaterial environments but also their fellow humans in social relations 9 3

        human nature is that humans areendowed with certain powerful capacities to engage and transform their materialworld. Humans are not only objects upon which the surrounding worldacts. They are also subjects and agents of their own lives of material production and of history. “The productive power of social labor ” 0 213

    • Max Weber 6 451
      • Purposive Motivated Human Actors 7 -130

        Weber is well known as a methodologicalindividualist. This means that he believed that human beings notsocial structures or organizations are the ultimate true agents of action insocial life. 7 4

        Weber elevated and centeredindividual human actors as the key unit of social life and so the startingpoint of social analysis. 7 4

        people’s purposes are intelligible to themselves and toothers. “Since we [social scientists] take into account every cause which producesor can produce a signifi cant effect we also consider [people’s purpose] 7 4

  • Chapter-5. On Basic Human Goods Interests and Motivations
    • Social science must take human motivations seriously in order to understandand explain social life well. So another key question presents itself: amongthe innumerable real motivations that cause humans to engage in actions 0
      • are there any that can rightly be said to be basic? 0

        Are some motivations morefundamental or original in relation to which others are derivative or secondary? 0

        Can human motivations be arranged in a hierarchy according to howcentral or primary they are? 0

        which specifi c motivations are mostcentral or basic? 0

      1. Basicality 0

      • A basic motivation is for presentpurposes one that generates actions intended to produce a result that isvalued for its own sake. 0

        The ends of basic motivations are taken to be goodsof intrinsic and fundamental value not merely instrumental goods that servesome other more primary purpose or benefi t. 0

        Basic motivations generateactions that are not strategic or tactical in serving the purposes of some otherinterests. 0

        They serve their own direct purposes beneath or behind whichnothing more fundamental is sought. 0

        Basic motivations are thus those thatproduce actions expected to achieve results that are ultimately valued fortheir own worth value or benefi t. 0

        When a motivation is not basic Y is something that will serve to achievethe desire involved in some other motivation. But when a motivation is basic Y achieves an intrinsic good valued for its own sake and not justifi ed or desiredin order to realize some other purpose or benefi t. 1

        When the “in- orderthat”explanations about motives come to an end one has likely identifi eda basic motivation. 1

        Example 1

        • some people might be motivated to regularlywork out on the treadmill in their local gym. They may not actually likeworking out or being in the gym. But they do it anyway. If someone askedthem why they may say that they work out in order to regularly exercise.One may then ask what motivates their regular exercise. They may mentiona family history of heart disease and explain that they want to maintain theircardiovascular health. If asked why again they may say that cardiovascularhealth is essential to staying alive. Then if pressed further no additional explanationmay be forthcoming. That is simply what they most basically wantin this case: to stay alive. Remaining alive will be their fi nal end in this case the most elementary benefi t the intrinsically valued good. 1

      2. Existing Accounts 1 9 9

      14 Basic Needs and Drives-viscerogenic-Murray 3 102 9

      • 1. air
      • 2. food
      • 3. water
      • 4. sex
      • 5. lactation
      • 6. urination
      • 7. defecation
      • 8. avoidance of danger
      • 9. unpleasant stimuli
      • 10. excessive heat
      • 11. cold
      • 12. gratificationof the senses
      • 13. rest
      • 14. sleep

      6 Psychogenic Need-Murray 3 102 9

      • 1. The need for prestige and self- enhancement superiority achievement recognition respect and self- exhibition

        2. The need for status- defense and avoiding humiliation defensiveness averting defeat.

        3. The need to exercise power and dealing with the power of others independence aggression avoiding blame dominance and submissiveness submission and resignation

        4. The need for affection affi liation friendliness cooperation support nurture and dealing with rejection

        5. The need to acquire conserve order retain and construct with inanimate material objects

        6. The need for cognition to explore inquire know and satisfy curiosity

      4 universal existential anxieties-Alsted 3 761 9

      • 1. The anxiety of isolation overcome by integrative social relationships andthe joy of belonging. 4

        2. The anxiety of dependence and absorption overcome by self- assertion insocial relationships the joy of recognition 4

        3. The anxiety of insecurity regarding relational change fragility and loss overcome by strong affective relations the joy of comfort safety warmth care 4

        4. The anxiety of stagnation or stasis overcome by the joys of life competence understanding agency mastery risk for gain. 4

      8 basic human needs-Fromm 4 9

      • 1. Relatedness: relationships with others care respect knowledge 4 298 9

        2. Transcendence: surpassing their own nature by creating things and peopleabout which they care (or pathologically destroying people and thingsthrough aggression and killing). 4 298 9

        3. Rootedness: establishing roots and feeling at home in the world developingpast natural maternal security and establishing ties with the largerworld (or pathologically becoming fi xated and afraid to move beyondmaternal security or mother substitutes 4 298 9

        4. Sense of Identity: establishing one’s own individuality (or pathologically engaging in group conformity 4 298 9

        5. Frame of orientation: understanding the world and our rightful place in it 4 298 9

        6. Excitation and Stimulation: striving for goals actively rather than simplypassively responding to the world as it happens to us. 4 298 9

        7. Unity: developing a sense of oneness with the human and naturalenvironment 4 298 9

        8. Effectiveness: being and feeling accomplished 4 298 9

      7 “basic needs”-Turner

      • 1. Group inclusion
      • 2. Trust (in the social and material environment)
      • 3. Ontological security
      • 4. Material symbolic gratifi cation
      • 5. Avoidance of anxiety
      • 6. Confi rmation of self (identity)
      • 7. The sense of facticity (of surrounding world)

      5 basic social motives-Fiske 5 9

      • 1. belonging 5 9
      • 2. understanding 5 9
      • 3. controlling 5 9
      • 4. enhancing self 5 9
      • 5. trusting others 5 9

      5 basic needs-Maslows 5 9

      • 1. Physiological: air water food clothing shelter sex sleep excretion andsuch. 5 380 9

        2. Safety: physical security resource security health wellbeing avoidance ofillness and accidents 5 380 9

        3. Love and Belongingness: family friendship intimacy group participation 5 380 9

        4. Esteem: self- respect being valued status recognition attention confidence. 5 380 9

        5. Self- Actualization: realizing full personal potential fulfi lling promise andcapabilities 5 380 9

      3 basic or fundamental psychological needs-Deci-Ryan 6 188 9

      • 1. Competence: feeling effective in ongoing interactions with the social environmentand experiencing opportunities to exercise and express one’scapacities 6 188 9

        2. Relatedness: feeling connected to others caring for and being cared forby others having a sense of belonging with other individuals and one’scommunity. 6 188 9

        3. Autonomy: perceiving oneself as the origin or source of one’s own behavior acting from interests and integrated values (not to be confused withthe “negative freedom” of liberalism’s self to do what it wishes withoutobstruction by others). 6 188 9

      6 basic human needs-Ramsay 7

      • 1. Physical survival 7
      • 2. Sexual needs 7
      • 3. Security 7
      • 4. Love and relatedness 7
      • 5. Esteem and identity 7
      • 6. Self- realization 7

      9 “axial categories ” or basic needs – Max-Neef 7 -3 9

      • 1. Subsistence 7
      • 2. Protection 7
      • 3. Affection 7
      • 4. Understanding 7
      • 5. Participation 7
      • 6. Leisure 7
      • 7. Creation 7
      • 8. Identity 7
      • 9. Freedom 7

      14 Basic Needs-Nielsen 7

      • 1. Love 7
      • 2. Companionship 7
      • 3. Security 7
      • 4. Protection 7
      • 5. Sense of community 7
      • 6. Meaningful work 7
      • 7. Adequate sustenance 7
      • 8. Shelter 7
      • 9. Sexual gratifi cation 7
      • 10. Amusement 7
      • 11. Rest 7
      • 12. Recreation 7
      • 13. Recognition 7 617 9
      • 14. Respect of person 7 617 9

      7 basic needs-Staub 8 6 9

      • (1) security 8 4 9
      • (2) effectiveness and control 8 4 9
      • (3) a positive identity 8 4 9
      • (4) connection 8 4 9
      • (5) comprehension of reality 8 4 9
      • (6) transcendence 8 4 9
      • (7) long- term satisfaction 8 4 9

      4 basic motivations_Lawrence 8 140 9

      • 1. the drives to acquire (to obtain things thatenhance reproductive success) 8 140 9
      • 2. to defend (to protect that which is acquired) 8 140 9
      • 3. to comprehend (to understand the surrounding world) 8 140 9
      • 4. to bond (to connectand relate to fellow human beings 8 218 9

      4 Basic Desires or Interests-Thorpe 8 412 9

      • 1. An alternative conceptual approach to humanmotivations for action than “needs” is that of basic desires 8 412 9

        2. Whereas needsconceptually entail satisfying already- fi xed requisites the idea of desires connotesa more forward- looking ends- oriented volition- driven outlook 8 412 9

        3. Desires are said to generate and direct action not in order to meet recurrentlyfelt insuffi ciencies or life requirements. 8 412 9

        4. Desires motivate action by providingthe energy of wanting yearning craving longing or aspiring 8 412 9

      7 basic human desires-Argyle 9 9

      • 1. Biological Needs: eating drinking and bodily comfort 9 9

        2. Dependency: help support protection and guidance from parents andpeople in authority 9 9

        3. Affi liation: warm and friendly responses from and acceptance by peers 9 9

        4. Dominance: leading in group tasks dominating talk making decisions enjoying deference 9 9

        5. Sex: physical proximity and bodily and eye contact attractions to and intimateinteractions with (normally) the opposite sex 9 9

        6. Aggression: harming other people physically verbally emotionally andso on 9 9

        7. Self- Esteem and Ego- Identity: receiving approval from and acceptance byother people 9 9

      16 Desires-Reiss 9 333 9

      • 1. Power: the desire to infl uence others. 9 489 9
      • 2. Independence: the desire for self- reliance. 9 489 9
      • 3. Curiosity: the desire for knowledge. 9 489 9
      • 4. Acceptance: the desire for inclusion 9 489 9
      • 5. Order: the desire for organization. 9 489 9
      • 6. Saving: the desire to collect things 0 -207 9
      • 7. Honor: the desire for loyalty to parents and heritage 0 -207 9
      • 8. Idealism: the desire for social justice 0 -207 9
      • 9. Social Contact: the desire for companionship 0 -207 9
      • 10. Family: the desire to raise one’s own children 0 -207 9
      • 11. Status: the desire for social standing 0 -207 9
      • 12. Vengeance: the desire to get even. 0 -207 9
      • 13. Romance: the desire for sex and beauty 0 -207 9
      • 14. Eating: the desire to consume food 0 -207 9
      • 15. Physical Exercise: the desire to exercise muscles 0 -207 9
      • 16. Tranquility: the desire for emotional calm 0 -207 9

      17 basic human desires-Baumeister 0 9

      • A. Animal Desires 0 9
        • 1. Food 0 9
        • 2. Pleasure (avoid pain) 0 9
        • 3. Self- preservation (avoid injury death) 0 9
        • 4. Curiosity and Understanding 0 9
        • 5. Control 0 9
        • 6. Money 0 9
        • 7. Power 0 9
        • 8. Possessions and Territory 0 9
      • B. Social Desires 0 9
        • 9. Belonging 0 9
        • 10. Sex 0 9
        • 11. Aggression 0 568 9
        • 12. Nurturance Generativity Helping 0 568 9
      • C. Cultural Created Desires 1 4 9
        • 13. Language use 1 4 9
        • 14. Self- esteem 1 4 9
        • 15. Guilt Morality Virtue 1 4 9
        • 16. Success Wealth Fame 1 4 9
        • 17. A Meaningful Life 1 4 9

      24 Basic Goals-Ford 1 9

      • human action is purposive and motivated by a set ofbasic ends to achieve 1 184 9

        “motivation provides the foundationfor learning skill development and behavior change by determininghow where and to what end people will invest their capabilities for behavioralself- construction.” 1 184 9

        Ford’s view motivations have centrally to do notwith needs drives or desires but rather with goals. “Goals ” he says “arethoughts about desired (or undesired) states or outcomes that one wouldlike to achieve (or avoid) 1 184 9

        A. Affective 1 9

        • 1. Entertainment: Experiencing excitement or heightened arousal; avoidingboredom and stressful inactivity. 1 9

          2. Tranquility: Feeling relaxed and at east; avoiding stressful overarousal. 1 9

          3. Happiness: Experiencing feelings of joy satisfaction or well- being; avoidingemotional stress or dissatisfaction 1 9

          4. Bodily Sensations: Experiencing pleasure associated with physical sensation movement or bodily contact; avoiding unpleasant or uncomfortablebodily sensations 1 9

          5. Physical Well- Being: Feeling healthy energetic or physically robust;avoiding lethargy weakness or ill health. 1 9

        B. Cognitive 2 -201 9

        • 6. Exploration: Satisfying one’s curiosity about personally meaningful events;avoiding a sense of being uninformed or not knowing what is going on. 2 -201 9

          7. Understanding: Gaining knowledge or making sense out of something;avoiding misconceptions erroneous beliefs or feelings of confusion 2 -201 9

          8. Intellectual Creativity: Engaging in activities involving original thinking ornovel or interesting ideas; avoiding mindless or familiar ways of thinking 2 -201 9

          9. Positive Self- Evaluations: Maintaining a sense of self- confi dence pride orself- worth; avoiding feelings of failure guilt or incompetence 2 -201 9

        C. Subjective Organization 2 -201 9

        • 10. Unity: Experiencing a profound or spiritual sense of connectedness harmony or oneness with people nature or a greater power; avoiding feelingsof psychological disunity or disorganization 2 -8 9

          11. Transcendence: Experiencing optimal or extraordinary states of functioning;avoiding feeling trapped within the boundaries of ordinaryexperience 2 -8 9

        D. Self- Assertive Social Relationship 2 -8 9

        • 12. Individuality: Feeling unique special different; avoiding similarity orconformity with others 2 -8 9

          13. Self- Determination: Experiencing a sense of freedom to act or makechoices; avoiding the feeling of being pressured constrained or coerced 2 -8 9

          14. Superiority: Comparing favorably to others in terms of winning status orsuccess; avoiding unfavorable comparisons with others 2 9

          15. Resource Acquisition: Obtaining approval support assistance advice orvalidation from others; avoiding social disapproval or rejection 2 9

        E. Integrative Social Relationship 2 22

        • 16. Belongingness: Building or maintaining attachments friendships intimacy or a sense of community; avoiding feelings of social isolation orseparateness 2 22

          17. Social Responsibility: Keeping interpersonal commitments meeting socialrole obligations and conforming to social and moral rules; avoiding socialtransgressions and unethical or illegal conduct 2 22

          18. Equity: Promoting fairness justice reciprocity or equality; avoiding unfairor unjust actions 2 22

          19. Resource Provision: Giving approval support assistance advice or validationto others; avoiding selfi sh or uncaring behavior 2 381 9

        F.Task Goals 2 381 9

        • 20. Mastery: Meeting a challenging standard of achievement or improvement;avoiding incompetence mediocrity or decrements in performance 2 381 9

          21. Task Creativity: Engaging in activities involving artistic expression or creativity;avoiding tasks that do not provide opportunities for creative action. 2 381 9

          22. Management: Maintaining order organization or productivity in dailylife tasks; avoiding sloppiness ineffi ciency or disorganization 3 6 9

          23. Material Gain: Increasing the amount of money or tangible goods onehas; avoiding the loss of money or material possessions 3 6 9

          24. Safety: Being unharmed physically secure and free of risk; avoidingthreatening depriving or harmful circumstances 3 6 9

      10 basic capabilities-Nussbaum 3 3

      • 1. Life 3 268 9
      • 2. Bodily health 3 268 9
      • 3. Bodily integration 3 268 9
      • 4. Senses thought imagination 3 268 9
      • 5. Emotions 3 268 9
      • 6. Practical reason 3 268 9
      • 7. Affi liation 3 268 9
      • 8. Other species 3 268 9
      • 9. Play 3 268 9
      • 10. Control over one’s environment 3 268 9

      6 basic human interests-Ryff 3 463 9

      • 1. Self- acceptance: having a positive attitude toward oneself and one’s pastlife. 4 4 9
      • 2. Purpose in life: having goals and objectives that give life meaning 4 4 9
      • 3. Environmental mastery: being able to manage complex demands of dailylife 4 4 9
      • 4. Personal growth: having a sense of continued development and selfrealization 4 4 9
      • 5. Positive relations with others: having caring and trusting ties with others 4 4 9
      • 6. Autonomy: being able to follow one’s own convictions 4 4 9

      9 basic human goods-Qizilbash 4 116 9

      • 1. Health nutrition sanitation rest shelter security 4 116 9
      • 2. Literacy basic intellectual and physical capacities 4 116 9
      • 3. Self- respect and aspiration 4 116 9
      • 4. Positive freedom autonomy or self- determination 4 116 9
      • 5. Negative freedom or liberty 4 116 9
      • 6. Enjoyment 4 116 9
      • 7. Understanding or knowledge 4 116 9
      • 8. Signifi cant relations with others and some participation in social life 4 116 9
      • 9. Accomplishment (of the sort that gives life a point or weight) 4 116 9

      9 components of human existence Griffin 4 387 9

      • 1. Accomplishment: real achievement 4 387 9

        2. Deciding for oneself: agency (a “component of human existence”). 4 387 9

        3. Minimal material goods: physical survival (a “component of humanexistence”). 4 387 9

        4. Senses and limbs that work: bodily functioning (a “component of humanexistence”). 4 387 9

        5. Freedom from pain and anxiety (a “component of human existence”). 5 – 9

        6. Liberty: to read consider others’ ideas to worship of speech and association(a “component of human existence”). 5 – 9

        7. Understanding: knowing about oneself and one’s place in the world 5 – 9

        8. Enjoyment: pleasure perceptions of beauty enjoyment of daily life. 5 – 9

        9. Deep personal relations: mutual relations of friendship and love. 5 – 9

      7 basic goods-Finnis 5 157 9

      • 1. Life (self- preservation) 5 312 9

        2. Knowledge (fi nding out understanding truth curiosity) 5 312 9

        3. Play (intrinsically enjoyable performances) 5 312 9

        4. Aesthetic Experience (beauty) 5 312 9

        5. Sociability (friendship peace harmony) 5 312 9

        6. Practical Reasonableness (using intelligence to face problems choose actions lifestyles character) 5 312 9

        7. “Religion” (origins and order of the cosmos authority over humanfreedom) 5 312 9

      A Thematic Synthesis 6 392 9

      Basic Human Goods and Interests 1 133 9

      • 1. Bodily Survival Security and Pleasure 2 329 9
        • avoiding bodily death injury sickness disease and sustained vulnerability to harm; maintaining physicaland bodily health and safety; sensual enjoyment satisfaction delight orgratifi cation of appetitive and perceptual desires of the body; and the absenceof physical pain and suffering. 2 329 9
      • 2. Knowledge of Reality 2 329 9
        • learning about the world and one’s place and potentialin it; increasing awareness and understanding of material and socialrealities; developing or embracing believed- in truths about what existsand how it works that provide order continuity and practical know- howto life experience. 2 329 9
      • 3. Identity Coherence and Affi rmation 2 329 9
        • developing and maintaining continuityand positive self- regard in one’s sense of personal selfhood over timeand in different contexts and situations. 2 329 9
      • 4. Exercising Purposive Agency 2 329 9
        • exerting infl uence or power (broadly understoodas transformative capacity) in the social and material worlds through the application of personal capabilities for perception refl ection care evaluation self- direction decision and action which causes desired(and unanticipated) effects in one’s environment. 2 6 9
      • 5. Moral Affirmation 2 6 9
        • believing that one is in the right or is living a morallycommendable life by being doing serving thinking and feeling what is good correct just and admirable; avoiding moral fault blame guilt orculpability 2 9
      • 6. Social Belonging and Love: 3 -289 9
        • enjoying recognition by inclusion and membershipin and identifi cation with signifi cant social groups; loving andbeing loved by others in signifi cant relationships 3 -289 9

      Goods Grounded in Personal Ontology 3 8 9

      Unpacking Some Complexity 6 9

      Multiple Mediations 8 707 9

      The Proposed Model 1 187 9

      • Humans by natureseek to accomplish these goods ultimately in order to realize the fi nal humanend of personal fl ourishing. And all of that is so not because “society” defi nesit as such. “Society” operates at a much higher level through the enablingand constraining contextual developmental infl uences it exerts on personsand their motivations. Humans by nature seek to accomplish these goods instead because of the given ontological nature of their human personhood. 3 9

      Considering the Alternatives 4 -62 9

      Personalist theory 5 372 9

      • Personalist theoryexplains why a realistic humanism is both possible and necessary. Humanpersons are the primal causes of their own actions. They are neither autonomouslyfree nor deterministically controlled. They are highly structured defi ned mediated infl uenced and oriented by many ontological personal material and social forces and factors. Yet each human person is fi nally theactive agent— personalism’s “center with purpose”— of his or her subjectiveprocesses decisions and external actions. People do not construct themselves their interests or their core motivations in life out of thin air or ontheir own as they wish. The primary elements of those features are givenby nature. 5 372 9

      Toward a Good Life Well Lived 8 4 9

      • People do not act for random reasons 8 100 9

        People’s actions are grounded motivationallyin some basic human interests and goods 8 100 9

        But what is the pointof those goods and interests? Are they the terminus of the matter the endof the investigation? No. 8 100 9

        The basic human goods together point us to andhelp constitute their own proper end: personal fl ourishing deep happiness thriving well- being eudaimonia a good life well lived 8 100 9

      eudaimonia 0 2 9

      • personal fl ourishing a good life well lived 0 2 9
      • What does anyone do withtheir lives when they wake up from sleep and why do they do that?— 0 2 9
  • Chapter-6. Toward a Theory of Flourishing
    • Question of the purpose of human life 2 136 9
      • What does it mean for a human person to live a good life? 2 136 9

        Can people fi nddirection outside of their immediate desires for genuinely reliable guidanceon how to live well? 2 136 9

        Does life have any real purpose anyway? 2 136 9

        Or is one way oflife no better or worse than any other? 2 136 9

        How could anyone know? 2 136 9

    • What Is Flourishing? 3 9
      • how do thesix irreducible basic motivations interests and goods discussed there relateto each other? 3 9

        A good way to convey the character of this fi nal end and purpose in lifeis to name it fl ourishing also sometimes called here “thriving” or “a good lifewell lived.” 3 4 9

        To have a good life is to live in a way that one fl ourishes asa person. To fi nd reliable guidance beyond ourselves for truly living well is tolearn how to practice virtues that are required to fl ourish 3 4 9

        We are not to fl ourish as apes or gods orsomething else that we are not. The sky is not the limit. Everything does notgo. It is ultimately not up to us to determine what it means to fl ourish. Thefeatures capacities and limitations of our naturally given personhood determinethat. 3 179 9

        to fl ourish means “to blossom ” to grow and bloom inmature fruitful beautiful ways. 3 179 9

        To thrive etymologically means “to seize ”to grasp and capture the fullness of life to live life well to the fullest. All livingorganisms naturally strive to live grow and bloom to robustly achieve thefullness of their natural capacities. 3 372 9

        All living organisms work against death disease and weakness. The physical functioning of our human bodies worksthis way. Other natural human capacities are the same. 3 372 9

        Humans are naturally interested in learning how realityworks and what is good. 3 489 9

        Humans by nature want to exercise their capacitiesand powers and to master skills 3 489 9

        Humans cannot escape making evaluationstowa r d a t h eory of f lou r i s h i ng 203of better and worse good and bad attractive and ugly just and unjust praiseworthyand reprehensible. 3 6 9

        Humans are naturally attracted to what theybelieve to be higher better more appealing. A world in which humans didnot seek to learn grow and thrive would be quite unlike our world 3 6 9

        “Happiness then is found to be something perfect andself- suffi cient [ 5 9

        making life desirable] being the end to which ouractions are directed.” 5 9

        fi nal goal in itself the endtoward which other actions are engaged (whether well or poorly) that whichin and of itself makes life desirable. 5 9

        No larger or higher purpose beyond humanfl ourishing exists in this world. Other goals and activities in life exist toserve the purpose of fl ourishing. 5 9

    • 7 Phases-The life of persons is by nature oriented toward 3 372 9
      • 1. learning 3 489 9
      • 2. becoming 3 489 9
      • 3. developing 3 489 9
      • 4. growing 3 489 9
      • 6. expanding 3 489 9
      • 7. maturing 3 489 9
    • How does one achieve a flourishing life? 5 9
      • The answer at a personallevel is by becoming as fully as possible in actual experience that which oneis ontologically namely a human person 5 9

        People fl ourish thrive and aremost genuinely happy when they develop and actualize what they by natureare. 5 9

        Persons are not inert objects. They are living growing dynamic beingsdefi ned by potentials powers and capacities (and limitations). 5 9

        People havea natural disposition to grow learn develop and realize their inherent capacitiesand powers. 5 9

        We are always in motion moving (either effectively orbadly) toward our telos. 5 9

        Human motivations are oriented toward (which isnot the same thing as effective in realizing) the natural interests in achievingand participating in those basic goods 5 9

        Human life thus has a true purpose not to do whatever one wants or to meld into the collective but rather todevelop the fullness of fl ourishing personhood 5 9

    • Personal Becoming 6 9
      • Living human beings are ontologically 100 percent persons but they are variablein the realization in existential experience of the capacities and tendenciesof their personal being 6 18

        Personhood is a 0 1 fact for humans— there are nofractions or percentages of personhood. 6 18

        All living humans are 1 = person nothing less. 6 18

    • Virtues-Definition 8 6 18
      • Virtues are hard- won dispositions and practices of excellencethat lead to a fl ourishing truly happy life 8 7 18

        Virtues are not naive or innocentor smug. 8 4 18

    • 4 “cardinal virtues” – Plato 8 140 18
      • 1. temperance 8 140 18
      • 2. prudence 8 140 18
      • 3. courage 8 140 18
      • 4. justice 8 140 18
    • 9 Virtues -Greek Romans 8 140 18
      • 1. humor 8 140 18
      • 2. mercy 8 140 18
      • 3. dignity 8 140 18
      • 4. tenacity 8 140 18
      • 5. concord 8 140 18
      • 6. nobility 8 140 18
      • 7. endurance 8 140 18
      • 8. modesty 8 140 18
      • 9. equity 8 140 18
    • 10 Christian Virtues 8 18
      • 1. faith 8 18
      • 2. hope 8 18
      • 3. love 8 18
      • 4. temperance 8 18
      • 5. charity 8 18
      • 6. diligence 8 18
      • 7. patience 8 18
      • 8. kindness 8 18
      • 9. humility 8 18
      • 10. chastity 8 18
    • 14 Human capacities 9 18
      • 1. consciousness 9 18

        2. reflexivity 9 18

        3. bodily health 9 18

        4. presence 9 18

        5. selftranscendence 9 18

        6. coherence of experience 9 18

        7. personal identity 9 18

        8. moral commitment 9 18

        9. social communication 9 18

        10. responsibility in causing action 9 18

        11. participationin social interactions 9 18

        12. personal agency 9 18

        13. experience of intersubjectivity 9 18

        14. being and living as a particular kind of self who is engaged in lovingrelationships with other personal selves and the nonpersonal world 9 18

    • 4 Must Have – Living a good life 2 18
      • a person living a good life is more like becoming amaster artist or player in some sport or complex game such as chess 2 18

        1. dedication 2 18

        2. learning 2 18

        3. discipline 2 18

        4. practice to move toward excellence 2 18

    • 8 Opposite of virtues [Delete these from your life] 2 346 18
      • 1. selfishness 2 346 18
      • 2. stupidity 2 346 18
      • 3. indifference 2 346 18
      • 4. vice 2 346 18
      • 5. arrogance 2 346 18
      • 6. laziness 2 346 18
      • 7. evasion of accountability 2 346 18
      • 8. dehumanization 2 346 18
    • 9 necessary conditions-Personal Flourshing 3 582 18
      • 1. Bodily sustenance 4 3 18
        • Bodily sustenance means that to fl ourish persons need the proper nutrition water shelter from the elements and clean air to sustain healthy bodily life 4 3 18
      • 2. Material resources 4 3 18
        • access to sufficient possessions 4 3 18
        • property 4 3 18
        • land 4 3 18
        • tools 4 3 18
        • forms of transport 4 3 18
        • raw materials 4 3 18
      • 3. Avoiding misfortune 4 3 18
        • Avoiding misfortune denotes persons not falling victim to debilitatingaccidents diseases disasters violence and other unexpected turnsof fate that seriously compromise health and life. 4 3 18
      • 4. Being loved 4 3 18
        • Being loved means beingthe object of one or more other signifi cant person’s self- giving care affection and commitment to one’s well- being motivated centrally to promoteone’s genuine good not for instrumental reasons 4 3 18

          The primary source oflove is normally parents and family but can include kin parent surrogates friends and others. 4 3 18

      • 5. Training 4 3 18
        • teaching 4 3 18

          instruction 4 3 18

          educationin a variety of life skills— practical rational emotional relational technical and so on— 4 3 18

          by teachers guides instructors and role models 4 3 18

      • 6. Learning virtues 4 18
        • Learning virtues signifies acquiring and practicing the habituated character dispositions traits and practices that tend to lead to the living of a good life— suchas prudence truthfulness courage justice temperance generosity patience endurance wit and so on. 4 18
      • 7. Commitment to growth 4 18
        • Commitment to growth means the basic dispositionand dedication of persons to continue to work throughout life towardthe proper telos of fl ourishing including resisting or overcoming failures obstacles compromise diversions sloth despair and other threats to ongoingteleological movement toward thriving. 4 18
      • 9. Social participation 4 315 18
        • Social participation meansenjoying and taking advantage of access to a variety of associations communities and institutions in one’s society by which one benefi ts from andcontributes to the variety of goods entailed in those memberships involvements and activities 4 315 18
      • 10. Loving others 4 315 18
        • Loving others is the fi nal necessary condition and experienceof personal fl ourishing 4 315 18

          giving of oneself for the genuinegood of others in the form of care affection and commitment to their wellbeing motivated not for self- regarding or instrumental reasons but primarilyto promote the true welfare and happiness of the other and often to enjoyinter personal communion with them 4 315 18

    • Contingency and Variability 3 – 18
      • The fi rst fi ve of the nine necessary conditions named above involve requirementsor enjoyments that are primarily beyond the control of persons 5 43 0

        They must be provided to each person particularly early in life by other personsand social environments in ways that are largely beyond the infl uenceof the recipients. 5 43 0

        All persons are thus crucially developmentally dependentupon the surrounding social- structural world in a variety of ways to evenhave a chance at personal thriving 5 43 0

        the last four of the nine necessary conditionsfall signifi cantly though not entirely within the control of persons 5 43 0

        Nobodybut the persons in question themselves can learn and practice virtues remaincommitted to personal growth and overcoming actively participate in sociallife and genuinely love other persons. 5 0

        People are not autonomous in any ofthis in complete control of these matters. 5 0

        Learning virtues for example requiresthe presence and investment of more virtuous mature accomplishedpersons to model teach reinforce interpret and reward them 5 0

        And socialparticipation requires not only a readiness to become involved in communityand institutional life but opportunities for such participation which must beafforded by other actors and social arrangements. 5 315 0

        Lastly to repeat we mustnever forget that personal fl ourishing requires learning to love and actuallyloving other persons 5 315 0

        Love is probably one of the words social scientists useleast despite its common usage by ordinary people 5 315 0

        Yet my defi nition ofhuman personhood and everyone’s existential experience makes love an inherentand necessary feature of human fl ourishing 5 315 0

        No person can fail to loveother persons and still fl ourish 5 315 0

        Part of what it means to be an actualizedhuman person is to engage in loving relationships with others 5 4 0

        Love stands at the heart of humanity’s being purpose and teleological end 5 625 0

        Personal flourishing is I have said dependent upon a set of necessary personaland social- structural conditions that make it possible 3 387 18

    • Harmful social- structural and personal conditionsand experiences 6 31 39
      • harmful social- structural and personal conditionsand experiences possess the causal capacity to impair damage and possiblyterminate personal fl ourishing 6 31 39

        developmental trauma during the infant childhood and adolescentyears— including physical or emotional neglect abuse stress molestation or violence— tends to short circuit personal thriving even when thenine necessary conditions of fl ourishing noted above are otherwise met 6 31 39

        Inheritingbad genes can seriously impair the advancement of persons towardgreater fl ourishing in a variety of ways by making certain persons susceptibleto fatal diseases risk- taking or alcoholism for example. 6 31 39

        Material deprivationscaused by severe poverty group discrimination or economic oppressionundermine access to the basic resources necessary for personal thriving 6 31 39

        Social exclusion similarly undermines movement toward thriving. Some ofthese “damagers” are essentially the deprivation of the necessary conditionsfor thriving named above 6 31 39

        As a baseline rule by the nature of things persons cannot fl ourish in a vacuum in states of severe deprivation apartfrom the right kinds of nurturance formation and support of many differentkinds. 6 341 39

    • 3 levels of ends 312 39
      • 1. The Shared human telos 312 39
        • The sharedhuman telos is the general end toward which all humans ought properly tomove given the nature of what they as persons are and which helps to defi nethe right boundaries within which all humans should move forward towardtheir natural end 312 39

          The word “the” intends to suggest that there is only onehuman telos in virtue of there being one human personhood 312 39

      • 2. A personal telos 312 39
        • A personaltelos by contrast concerns the more particular ends that are good and fi ttingfor specifi c persons given their unique biographies interests gifts andsocial conditions. 312 39

          The word “a” here (instead of “the”) says that because eachperson has his or her own distinctive personal telos there are many personalteloi across many people. 468 39

      • 3. A life plan 468 39
        • a life plan as I mean it here consists of a setof specifi c intentions and commitments about relationships activities education vocations locations and other practical matters that together comprisemuch of the actual long- term content of any given person’s life as heor she intends to live it. 468 39
  • Chapter-7. Understanding Failure Destruction and Evil
    • Human life is a quest toward something good 59 39
    • Why do failure destruction and evil happen? 292 39
      • Flourishing is not automatic or guaranteed but contingent. 292 39

        It must be purposively accomplished againstresistance and obstacles both internal and external. 292 39

        Achieving human fl ourishingrequires a specifi c set of resources experiences and efforts providedby other persons and social institutions and capitalized upon by personsseeking to fl ourish. 407 39

        People who benefi t from and take advantage of the requisitesof fl ourishing stand a good chance of thriving 407 39

        the default outcomefor those who do not enjoy and capitalize upon these resources experiences and efforts is personal failure stagnation and degeneration. In some cases people become evil. 407 39

    • 6 Types Level Personal Failure To Flourish 602 39
      • 1. Environmental Deprivation 235
        • environmental deprivation— is produced primarily bypersons being failed by their material and social environments and relationshipsin ways that are largely beyond their control (though often not beyondthe control of other responsible people and social institutions).

          persons die of illness in childhood— or of starvation thirst or exposure infamine drought or extreme weather

          They are the victims of tragic unjust or evil forces andcircumstances— the heartrending casualties of a broken unfair sometimescruel world. 235 412 39

          Through no fault of their own these persons cannot and donot realize in existential existence the fullness of their natural personhood.2They remain fully persons ontologically as long as they live but are deprivedof the opportunity existentially to achieve anything like the fl ourishing oftheir unique personal being. 235 412 39

          They are stillborn or born with radicallymalformed bodies or brains.

          They are stricken young in life by horriblediseases.

          They are grossly neglected or abused by parents or guardianswho are inept evil or mentally ill

          Some suffer severely debilitating cognitive emotional or physical disorders caused by bad genes dysfunctional neurology or some other bodily pathologies

          Others are killed or gravely damagedin wars by battering spouses wild animals or bad accidents

          Yet others arecasualties of natural disasters such as earthquakes landslides and tsunamis

          Some people are born into crushing poverty from which there is no escape

          Others are horribly persecuted and exterminated for racial religious or ideologicalreasons.

          In such cases and all like them these persons failto fl ourish not primarily because of anything they could control or for whichthey are responsible.

          This firstcategory of failing to fl ourish— more accurately being deprived of the chanceto fl ourish— often raises weighty moral questions and concerns in social andpolitical ethics -28

      • 2. Stagnation 235
        • personal stagnation a “stalling” of people’s quest to fl ourish

          role played by the bad choices and inadequate misguided or malignant efforts and actions of the persons involved and other personsand institutions.

          These types usually also entail deprivations of vital nurturingresources relationships and experiences

          But some of the explanationfor these failures comes back to problems in the personal agency of some ofthe people involved.

          persons get “stuck” in life stop exerting virtuous effort and wind down newpersonal growth.

          The world is full of such people especially perhaps amongthe middle-aged and older

          Most of them are decent and functional

          theyare not achieving much new that is good in their lives.

          Other people who liveor work closely with them are often aware of their functional lack of interestin personal growth and sometimes have to bear some of the disagreeableconsequences.

          People in stagnation can be diffi cult for others but they areusually manageable.

          these stagnating people have given upon optimizing fl ourishing and have settled for mere “satisfi cing.”

          They havestalled at a point in life that is not ideal but which they think is suffi cient and they are satisfi ed to stay there.

          They remain content with a mere acceptablethreshold of growth and happiness.

          If stagnant people indulge a characteristicvice it is sloth.

      • 3. Avoidant Destructiveness 235
        • Such cases are not merely uninterestedin new personal growth and movement toward their proper telos.They are positively actively stubbornly resistant to it— even if they are notconsciously aware of that fact.

          What would be required of and for them togrow and move toward greater fl ourishing confronts them as more diffi cult more threatening than they are willing or able to deal with

          the basic postureof such lives is to resist the challenges of growth.

          Having already adaptedto a life of stagnation it is easy to take this next step away from fl ourishingtoward destructiveness.

          Living against reality inevitably brings friction collisions splinters 39

          Avoiding the healthy pains and losses that are required for proper personalgrowth inescapably imposes different less generative pains and losses. 39

          Nobodyescapes pain and loss— the only question is whether they are the kindsthat lead to fl ourishing or destruction. 39

          There is no static equilibriumhere. Reality presses increasingly hard over time on those who refuseit and so— when proper growth is avoided— reality must be resisted all themore determinedly.

          Larger costs must be personally absorbed and imposedon other people.

          since the basic posture here is one of avoiding pain andloss destructive persons usually increasingly impose the pain and loss onother people.

          They must progressively make others pay for their unwillingnessor inability to suffer the pain and losses required for them to properlygrow

          This moves them away from being merely diffi cult to other people (asthe stagnant are) to being positively damaging

          If avoidant- destructive peopleindulge a characteristic vice it is self- centered cowardice (deilia to use Aristotle’sterm) which is worse than mere sloth

      • 4. Negligent Evil 235
        • evil the extreme opposite of fl ourishing.

          results from inexcusable negligence or recklessness not purposeful maliciousness.

          some evils that ruin otherpeople’s lives are produced not by sadistic monsters but by otherwise ordinarypeople who so happen to act recklessly or negligently 265 39

          Example – Interpersonal 0

          • Negligentevil is also not always interpersonal— it also often happens institutionally 0
          • Babysitter did not watch a toddler closely and the baby drowned 0
          • A teen inexperienced driver running over a child bicycling in the road 0

          Example – Institutional 0

          • toxic industry pollution 0

            bad investments of otherpeople’s fortunes 0

            failure to install the proper safety and warning devices indangerous environments 0

            The subjects of such failures are thevictims of events beyond their control while the perpetrators of such eventsare the causes of evildoing resulting from unconscionable risk- taking negligence and recklessness. 0

      • 5. Instrumental Evil 0
        • the evil necessityor consequence of actions pursued instrumentally for other reasons not directlyto enjoy the damage of the evil itself.

          It consists of intolerableharm produced as the recognized necessity risk or result of actions undertakento achieve different ends than the evil itself. 0 113 39

          The evildoing here is somethinglike “collateral damage” expected occasioned or required in order torealize another overriding goal. 0 39

          Persons and social institutions committingthis kind of evil do not do so primarily in order to enjoy the horrifi c damagethey produce. 0 39

          Instead they simply tolerate or ignore that damage (howeverunbearable it may be to their victims) since they believe it to be justifi ed ornecessary to realize more important (to them) purposes. 0 39

          The underlyinglogic is “the ends justify the means”— success is worth the risks and costs(to others).1 0 268 39

          Examples of instrumental evil 0 268 39

          • 1. An armyoffi cer tortures a war captive not because he enjoys torturing people (somewho torture actually do not enjoy their work) but in order to elicit vital informationthat may help win the war. 0 268 39

            A married man seduces the naive wifeof another man simply because he wants to enjoy the triumph of conquestand pleasure of sex with her and when they are discovered (as he had everyreason to know they might be) it destroys both marriages and the long- termemotional well- being of the wife and her husband— in which case the seducingman’s goal was not to cause that intolerable harm although he was(culpably) prepared to infl ict it upon others in order to realize his immediate goal 0 617 39

          callousness 1

          • The social equivalent of instrumentallyevil people can be named as instrumentally evil social institutions which promulgate evil not purposively but readily as a by- product of somepurpose they pursue such as the accumulation of wealth power or status. 1

            Such callousness often involves the active psychological “silencing” by personsand institutional leaders of good reasons that argue against committingevil— reasons that compel most people and social groups not to act ontheir possible evil motives.15 1

            Related to this problem is the matter of moralindifference by both persons and social institutions— something like “sins ofomission ” as some religious people call it as opposed to actively committedsins— by passively allowing evil to be committed by simply not acting againstit. 1

            Also clearshould be the fact that the perpetrators of instrumental evil are not merelyirresponsible people who inadvertently commit evil deeds but are actuallyevil people— not necessarily thoroughly but evil at least in some ways. Andthe characteristic vice of their evil is callousness— not ignorance not negligence but cold indifference to the feelings well- being and futures of otherswho suffer as casualties of their wickedness.14 1

      • 6. Sadistic Evil
        • The third springs from the malicious sadism of the evil person. This I callsadistic evil

          This is evildoingfor the purpose of causing destructive suffering on others. 1 310 39

          Sadistic evilalways involves evil deeds committed by evil persons. 1 310 39

          Its perpetrators refl ectfairly stable dispositions and intentions to instigate evil acts that cause intolerabledestructive suffering to others precisely for the sake of seeing the sufferingcaused. 1 310 39

          The pleasures gained by sadistically evil people committing evildeeds are enjoyed as a direct result of the intolerable destruction itself 1 310 39

          It maybe the pleasure of pure sadism a malignant neural reward system that “lightsup” when observing others suffering 1 310 39

          It may be the satisfi ed pleasures of narcissisticdominance and control over others which is more purely realizedby the capacity to render them helpless through suffering 1 310 39

          it may be thepleasure of an internal terror relieved by witnessing it imposed on the bodiesof other people instead of oneself.19 1 310 39

          In any case such people “destroy for thesake of destruction and . . . hate for the sake of hate.” 1 310 39

          this evildoer silences any goodreasons against evildoing.

          Examples 2

          • psychopathic kidnappers 2

            torturers 2

            mass murderers 2

            serial rapists 2

            perpetrators of school shootings 2

            intentional spreaders of sexually transmitted infections 2

            politicaland military instigators of genocide 2

            by commanding othersto commit evil deeds such as torture or genocide 2

            Suffering can also beimposed on others in different forms and through different methods. Forinstance a sadistically evil adult can (directly) torture a child by infl ictingsuffering on his or her body or torture that same child (indirectly) by forcinghim or her to watch the slow mutilation of his or her living pet kittens 2

    • What is evil?
      • “evil” generally I mean foreseeable intolerable harms produced by culpablewrongdoing

        Badness and evil come into being only in the absence of the good 5 39

        Evil cannotbe creative or life giving; it is always destructive 5 39

        Evil is “the attemptto regress to the pre- human state and to eliminate that which is specifi callyhuman: reason love and freedom. 5 39

        when evil does parasitically impose its negative power on thegood through its absence and misdirection it defi nitely does take on a malignantexistence with massive capacities to distort and destruct 5 123 39

        Even so justas light really does exist on its own but darkness and shadow do not exceptas the absence of light so good really does exist but evil and the bad independentlydo not— what is evil and bad come to exist only in the absence hindrance or misdirection of good. 5 123 39

        Example 6 -18

        • Rape is inexpressibly wicked and morallyreprehensible in the extreme— but in a deeply twisted and depraved wayit is evil exactly in virtue of the privation of the goods of consent mutuality and loving communion in sex properly engaged or a hideously misdirectedattempt to achieve the true goods of sexual intimacy and the exercise of thepower of personal agency 6 -18

          Violent vigilante revenge is morally wrong yet inessence it represents the privation of the good of procedural justice and amisdirected seeking of what is a genuine human good that of proper retributivejustice. 6 -18

          The physical battery of wives by husbands is also repellently evil yet precisely so in its privation of anything that makes a good marriage good(love tenderness self- giving)— importantly in the very structure of that privation the battery does not happen in the abstract or between strangers butwithin the empty shell of the otherwise- good relations of husband and wife violated eviscerated mocked and made unreal by the battering 6 39

    • 3 basic elements of evil
      • 1. intolerable harm
        • the evildoers who committed them have good reasons (whichany reasonable person should be aware of ) not to commit them so whichthey are personally responsible and blameworthy for ignoring
      • 2. foreseeability
        • when theharm caused could have been seen beforehand and when
      • 3. culpable wrongdoing
        • their actions inactions damage other people in ways that are intolerable atrocious catastrophic or monstrous -355 39

          Severe and unremitting pain or humiliation debilitatingand disfi guring diseases starvation extreme [disempowerment] andseverely enforced isolation are evils ” for example “when they are broughtabout or supported by culpable wrongdoing.”

          Bad outcomes are thus notevil when their perpetrators genuinely had no good reason to think theiractions would produce intolerable harm or when the harms done are notsevere.10 They may still be very wrong but they are not evil. This approachhelps us to distinguish not only evil deeds from evil persons but also evilmotives from evil intentions. -45 39

          The former (motives) concern people’s desires(and related beliefs and emotions) to commit evil; they are the inclinationsthat dispose people to do evil deeds -45 39

          The latter (intentions) by contrast involvewillful decisions to act upon evil motives the volitional purposing tocommit evil. -45 39

    • The Ontology of Badness and Evil 3
      • Badness and evil in human life are understood and explained in different waysby different belief systems 3
        • dualistic 3
          • believing that good and evil areindependent equal opposing principles existing and struggling against eachother from the beginning or forever as in Zoroastrianism Manichaeism andmany forms of Gnosticism. 3
        • samsaric view 3
          • the belief thatfailure and evil consist in an illusion of individual separateness sustained bymisguided desire attachment striving and bad karma that drive continuingcycles of reincarnation which can only be overcome by enlightenment anddharma (right living) to achieve moksha and nirvana the “snuffi ng out” of(the illusion of ) individual existence and merger into the all- encompassingBrahma. Some version of this view is assumed by the main Indus religionsof Hinduism Buddhism and Jainism 3
    • The spectrum of movement toward failure and fl ourishing.
    • contrast of thatwhich-is- not 6
      • To affi rm a “Yes” implies the possibility of a “No.”

        To desiresomething is to reject other things

        To will a particular good necessarily impliesa lesser good that was not willed

        To shine light on an object casts ashadow on its far side.

        To love and be loved raises the possibility of not lovingor being loved.

        To choose rightly necessarily entails the potential to choosewrongly.

        To affi rm a truth risks affi rming a falsehood instead

        The not- love the wrong choice the falsehood affi rmed do not need to be actualized. Theydo not have to be brought into existence. They could stay in the realm ofnegation and nothingness

        To want to live in a reality not involving any possible bads necessarilymeans forgoing living with real goods 6 39

    • Biological analogies 7 400 39
      • The Privation of Basic Human Goods 8 5

        How do failure and destruction relate to the privationor misdirection of the six basic human goods proposed in chapter 5?

        One basic good is to achieve bodily survival security and pleasure.

        This goodcan easily be turned toward the bad and become the occasion for failure andevil.

        Take cancer for example. Canceris not the development in a body of an independent and innately destructiveorgan set in opposition to healthy organs. 7 400 39

        Cancer is the mal- developmentand misdirection of healthy bodily processes of cellular reproduction and tissuegrowth. 7 400 39

        Cancer is the getting- out- of- control of natural bodily goods 7 400 39

        Their absence and misdirection produce worlds of grief and ruin. Thesimple absence of bodily life is death 8

        • vulnerability to accident
        • attack
        • sickness
        • disease
        • anexistence of intolerable anxiety
        • inevitably
        • injury
        • illness
        • a highchance of eventual death

        The complete absence of physical pleasure 8

        • Imagine what it would be like if the receptors of everyneuron in one’s brain having to do with pleasure were blocked

          That would bea dreadful existence of numbness to any perceptual or appetitive enjoyment an experience on the spectrum of bodily sensations limited completely to theside shading off from sense- neutrality to discomfort and agony

    • 4 Basic Social causal mechanisms of Human Failure 9 221 4
      • 1. Exploitation
        • “when powerful connected people command resourcesfrom which they draw signifi cantly increased returns by coordinating theeffort of outsiders whom they exclude from the full value added by thateffort.” 9 415 4
      • 2. Opportunity Hoarding
        • “when members of a categorically bounded networkacquire access to a resource that is valuable renewable subject tomonopoly supportive of network activities and enhanced by the network’smodus operandi.” 9 415 4
      • 3. Emulation
        • “the copying of established organizational models and or thetransplanting of existing social relations from one setting to another.” 9 647 4
      • 4. Adaptation
        • “the elaboration of daily routines . . . on the basis of categoricallyunequal structures. 9 647 4
    • Social Dominance Theory 0 28 4
      • explains intergrouprelations of oppression domination destructive discrimination tyranny andbrutality. 0 28 4

        Their illuminating theory involves interpersonal intergroup intrapersonal and institutional causal mechanisms that produce and maintaingroup- based hierarchies of domination 0 28 4

        They include personal “social dominanceorientations ” “aggregated individual discrimination ” “aggregatedinstitutional discrimination ” “behavioral asymmetry ” hierarchy- enhancing“legitimizing myths ” and “hierarchy equilibriums and constraints 0 28 4

    • Socially and Psychologically Structured Historical Inheritances 0 454 4
      • Nobody begins life with a blank slate. People inherit the consequences of allthe bad and good in human life and society that predates their birth. If we setaside the diffi cult question of the ultimate origins of evil in human existence a great deal of the actual darkness with which anyone at any place and timelives can be explained with reference to the many broken social institutions relationships and cultural beliefs and practices inherited from the past whichshape all the lives they touch. 0 454 4

        Many problems are also engraved into people’spsychological and emotional structures in ways causing them to perpetuatethe problems into the next generation 0 454 4

  • Conclusion
    • modern spiritualproject
      • the pursuit of a sacred good
      • throwing off restraint andachieving human happiness through individual autonomy
      • To make everything new
      • to leave behind the past
      • to be unbound by any tradition
      • to enjoy maximum choice
      • to be free fromany constraint
      • to be able to buy whatever one can afford
      • to live however onedesires— that is the guiding vision of modernity’s spiritual project
      • self- defi nition
      • self- determination
    • On Taking Love Seriously 8 4
      • Love may seem “unscientifi c” to many social scientists but that is because they assume the wrong view of science 8 4

        Let us say it again:the sciences need to conform their concepts methods and theories to therealities they seek to understand allowing specifi c dimensions of reality todetermine how particular sciences are done rather than forcing that realityto conform to a preconceived uniform notion about what science is andmust be. The “scientifi c method” (singular) is tyrannous nonsense 8 4

        Human societies without love are bodies without blood 9 -63 4

        Even when humans survive and somewhat prosper through having receivedan adequate though not great amount of love the probability still remainsof their living out of the fundamental postures of fear or denial 9 93 4

        One powerthat can prevent that is love. Love fosters trust interpersonally and institutionally and trust promotes human fl ourishing. Do we need something moresignifi cant to justify taking love seriously? 9 208 4

  • Compiled By:
    • blindcaveman.wordpress.com
    • Rigel Arcayan

MindMap-BookSummary-TimeCure

MindMap-BookSummary-TimeCure

  • About Time Cure
    • Date Read: October 09, 2016
    • Author: Zimbardo/Sword
    • ISBN: 978-1-118-20567-9
    • 334 pages
    • MyRating: 5 Stars
  • Chapter 1 How PTSD Sufferers Get Stuck in Time
    • PTSD Basics
      • PTSD„once called shell shock or battle fatigue and ignored ordismissed as something that would disappear with time„is now recognizedby the American Psychiatric Association as a real disorder. And itis no longer necessary to be a direct victim to be

        As long as one is confronted with a situation that involves threat tothe physical integrity of ones self or others and one experiencesthe emotions of fear, horror, or helplessness, then the experiencecounts as exposure to a PTSD-qualifying stressor

        In 2000 the American Psychiatric Association revised its criteria forthis disorder in the fourth edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manualof Mental Disorders, commonly called DSM-IV-TR:Diagnostic criteria for PTSD include a history of exposure to atr

    • Criterion A: stressor
      • The person has been exposed to a traumatic event in which both of thefollowing have been present:

        1. The person has experienced, witnessed, or been confronted withan event or events that involve actual or threatened death or seriousinjury, or a threat to the physical integrity of oneself or others.

        2. The persons response involved intense fear, helplessness, or horror.Note: in children, it may be expressed instead by disorganizedor agitated behavior

    • Criterion B: intrusive recollection
      • The traumatic event is persistently re-experienced in at least one of thefollowing ways

        1. Recurrent and intrusive distressing recollections of the event,including images, thoughts, or perceptions. Note: in youngchildren, repetitive play may occur in which themes or aspects ofthe trauma are expressed

        2. Recurrent distressing dreams of the event. Note: in children, theremay be frightening dreams without recognizable content

        3. Acting or feeling as if the traumatic event were recurring (includesa sense of reliving the experience, illusions, hallucinations, anddissociative flashback episodes, including those that occur uponawakening or when intoxicated). Note: in children, traum

        4. Intense psychological distress at exposure to internal or externalcues that symbolize or resemble an aspect of the traumatic event

        5. Physiologic reactivity upon exposure to internal or external cuesthat symbolize or resemble an aspect of the traumatic event.

    • Criterion C: avoidant/numbing
      • Persistent avoidance of stimuli associated with the trauma and numbingof general responsiveness (not present before the trauma), as indicatedby at least three of the following

        1. Efforts to avoid thoughts, feelings, or conversations associatedwith the trauma

        2. Efforts to avoid activities, places, or people that arouse recollectionsof the trauma

        3. Inability to recall an important aspect of the trauma

        4. Markedly diminished interest or participation in significant activities

        5. Feeling of detachment or estrangement from others

        6. Restricted range of affect (e.g., unable to have loving feelings)

        7. Sense of foreshortened future (e.g., does not expect to have acareer, marriage, children, or a normal life span)

    • Criterion D: hyper-arousal
      • Persistent symptoms of increasing arousal (not present before the trauma),indicated by at least two of the following

        1. Difficulty falling or staying asleep

        2. Irritability or outbursts of anger

        3. Difficulty concentrating

        4. Hyper-vigilance

        5. Exaggerated startle response

    • Criterion E: duration
      • Duration of the disturbance (symptoms in B, C, and D) is more than onemonth

        Criterion F: functional significance

        The disturbance causes clinically significant distress or impairment insocial, occupational, or other important areas of functioning

    • psychological responses to catastrophe
      • Psychological responses to natural and human-caused disasters havebeen theorized to occur in stages, as victims experience shock, feelintense emotion, and struggle to reorganize their lives.3 Survivors typicallypass through five stages4

        1. Psychic numbness

        • Immediately after the event, victimsexperience psychic numbness, including shock and confusion,and for moments to days they cannot fully comprehend what hashappened. Severe, sudden, and violent disasters violate ourbasic expectations about how the world is

        2. Automatic action

        • During a phase of automatic action, victims havelittle awareness of their own experiences and later show poor recallof many details about what occurred.

        3. Communal effort

        • In the communal effort stage, the sufferer and hisor her support network pool their resources and collaborate, proudof their accomplishments but also weary and aware that they areusing up precious energy reserves.

        4. Letdown

        • Next, survivors may experience a letdown. Depletedof energy, they understand and feel the tragedys impact. Publicinterest and attention fade, and survivors feel abandoned, eventhough the state of emergency may continue

        5. Recovery

        • An extended period of recovery follows as survivorsadapt to changes created by the disaster.
    • this is your brain on trauma
      • The brain is the most complex organ in the universe. In his book Incognito,the Secret Lives of the Brain, neuroscientist David Eagleman says:

        Your brain is built of cells called neurons and glia„hundreds ofbillions of them. Each one of these cells is as complicated as a city. . . each cell sends electrical impulses to other cells . . . The cells areconnected to one another in a network of such st

        Thats a lot of connections! When we realize the enormous complexityand diversity of the brain, it becomes easier to understand whysuch all-encompassing problems as PTSD are so difficult to weed out ofones brain, and subsequently to contain in ones psyche

        When traumatic events happen to us, we enter into a kind of alteredstate in which our normal thinking processes do not function andanother operating system takes over. This is great if you suddenly findyourself in a situation in which you must run into a bu

        But the same system of brain chemistry that allows us to beheroes or survive extreme situations also imprints the traumatic eventdeeply within our memory, emotions, consciousness, and subconscious.In fact, neuroscience tells us that the brain stores these d

        The brain stores and encodes different types of memories, someof which are long-lived and some of which are easily replaced, usingdifferent chemicals. For example, the details of what you ate for lunchyesterday may be written in pencil„easily erased and rep

        This complex encoding means that traumatic memories, such asthose that generate PTSD, are multidimensional, insidious, and difficultto ferret out and come to terms with. The memories assault sufferersin an overwhelming experience that steals their future an

    • traumatic experiences
      • Sight
        • The gruesome visual images she saw were encoded andstored in her visual cortex, in the rear part of the brain
      • Sound
        • The grinding screech of metal and cries of pain andshock she heard were stored in her temporal lobes, the sides ofthe brain above the ears
      • Smell
        • The vivid smells of the event„hot pavement, burningoil, and blood„were stored in the olfactory cortex, the part ofthe brain that lies just behind the eyes.
      • Touch
        • The physical pain she experienced was stored in musclememory throughout her body, affecting the pain and emotionalcenters of her brain
      • Thought and memory
        • The horrible memories of the otherwomans suffering, combined with troubling worries abouthow PTSD sufferers get stuck in time 13the womans toddler and unborn infant, were recorded in theprefrontal cortex, where thought occurs, as well as in the limbicsyst
    • when PTSD goes untreated
      • A person who suffers from minimal PTSD will probably get betterover time. For instance, perhaps youve been in a frightening motorvehicle accident in which you didnt suffer physical injury but othersdid. In time your car is repaired, so you arent reminded

        But if you have been brutally physically assaulted and raped, forexample, you may be so deeply dipped in the darkest blue of memorythat no amount of time will ever completely bleach it away. It mightfade a bit, but its always there; and in some cases, the

        Eventually, the normal things you would do for or with others„going to work, cooking dinner, being interested in what they did thatday„become chores that eventually turn into resentment, which causesyou to feel irritable and angry toward them. Simple things

        They may seem closed off and uncaring, but deep down insidepeople with PTSD know they need help. Sometimes getting help seemslike one more chore thats just too overwhelming to contemplate. Oftenthey dont get help because they are afraid of being judged, c

    • PTSD is mental injury, not mental illness
      • We believe that PTSD should be thought of as a mental injury ratherthan a mental illness, and research supports this view. Studies show thattraumatic experiences can alter the overall structure of the brain,7 aswell as its chemical levels (in particular neu
    • PTSD Summary
      • Post-traumatic stress disorder, or PTSD, is an anxiety disorderthat begins with a trauma and overwhelms the individualsability to cope with daily life

        PTSD sufferers are stuck in time, reliving the trauma over andover, unable to leave it in the past and move on

        With PTSD, the traumatic event is imprinted and stored inmany different parts of the brain, which is one reason why itis so difficult to treat

        It is much more helpful to view and treat PTSD as mental injuryrather than mental illness, and research supports this view

        PTSD doesnt only affect the sufferer; it can negatively affect thesufferers family, friends, coworkers, and entire social network

        To date, cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) has been the therapywith the most success in overcoming trauma. This therapyfocuses on the here and now. Drugs have provided some help,but not enough. They are a temporary solution that alters behavior,but they do

        Although all therapies are time based, time perspective therapytakes a different approach. It begins by respecting the trauma,and seeks to create a balance of past, present, and future thatallows the PTSD sufferer to leave the past in the past and movetowar

  • Chapter 2 A New Psychology of Time
    • temporal theory in a nutshell
      • We can reduce the complexity of our lives to a simple equation

        all actions taken + all actions not taken = our current experience

        Some actions we take work out as planned, and we can take pridein them (I studied hard for that test and got an A); there are otheractions, not in our best interest, that lead to bad outcomes, and forwhich we are sorry (It was a mistake to stay up dri

        At the very heart of this decision matrix are the largely unconsciousdecisions that spring from our subjective psychological sense of time:our time perspective. This arises from the daily flow of our personalexperiences, which we automatically view through

    • the six main time perspectives in a nutshell
      • Each of the three primary subjective time zones„past, present, andfuture„is divided into two parts. This gives us six main timeperspectives

        1. Past positive

        • Past positive people focus on the good old days. They may keepscrapbooks, collect photos, and look forward to celebrating traditionalholidays

        2. Past negative

        • Past negative people focus on all the things that went wrong in thepast: It doesnt matter what I do, my life will never change.

        3. Present hedonistic

        • Present hedonistic people live in the moment„seeking pleasure,novelty, and sensation, and avoiding pain

        4. Present fatalistic

        • Present fatalistic people feel that decisions are moot becausepredetermined fate plays the guiding role in life: What will be,will be.

        5. Future

        • Future-oriented people plan for the future and trust that theirdecisions will work out

        6. Transcendental-future

        • Transcendental-future-oriented people have faith that a bettertime is coming after death, and plan for this afterlife during theircurrent lifetime
    • Conceptual Time Perspective Model
      • HOW DO YOU . . .MAKE A DECISION ORTAKE AN ACTION
        • A-Based on . . .MEMORIES(Abstract Thinking)PAST ORIENTED
        • B-Based on . . .IMMEDIATESITUATION/STIMULATION(Real/Physical)PRESENT ORIENTED
        • C-Based on . . .ANTICIPATEDCONSEQUENCES(Abstract Thinking)FUTURE ORIENTED
    • biased toward the past
      • Good and bad things happen to everyone, but not everyone sees theworld in the same way or gives equal weight to experiences. Put simply,some of us naturally see the world through rose-colored glasses (pastpositive), whereas others see the world through a da

        past positive: remember the good old days

        People with a past positive point of view see constant reminders of whatused to be good and wonderful, a treasure trove of beloved mementoes,of life as it could and should be. They judge, evaluate, and react toeverything in the present moment through memori

        past negative: life always lets you down

        Phils old aunt, who viewed her world through dark prisms of thepast, is a good example of the past negative bias. People who seethrough this lens judge, evaluate, and react to everything in the presentmoment through memories of unhappy past experiences. Th

    • biased toward the present
      • People who live in the present are far less„or not at all„influencedby either past experiences or future considerations. They focus only onthe immediate present„whats happening now. They make decisionsbased on the inner forces and outer pressures in their

        PTSD sufferers often score high in a bias toward the present, bothas hedonists and fatalists. This leads to the risky behaviors that are sooften linked to PTSD

        present hedonism: live for today

        Present hedonists are pleasure-seekers, and delayed gratification is notpart of their psychological vocabulary. Youve heard their mottos: Doit now! Carpe diem! Let the good times roll! You only live once!For them, a bird in the hand is alwa

        Present hedonism in moderation„selected present hedonism„isa good thing. But too much of a good thing can cause us to feel likeour lives are stuck on an out-of-control roller coaster. Because presenthedonists actively seek pleasure, its not surprising that

        present fatalism: what will be, will be

        The other way to live in the present is quite different: to believethat all of ones decisions are determined by fate, by external forces,or by religiously determined destiny. Present fatalists do not see theneed to spend time planning and plotting and cons

        Present fatalists share a present focus with hedonists, but theycould not be more different. Whereas present fatalists feel their livesfollow a fated plan over which they have little or no control, presenthedonists desperately seek to overcontrol by indulgi

    • biased toward the future
      • No one is born thinking about how to plan for the future. A numberof conditions„including living in a temperate zone (where its necessaryto anticipate seasonal change), living in a stable family or society,being Protestant or Jewish, and becoming educated„

        Americans in general are concerned with planning for the future.But PTSD sufferers, locked into negative memories, have generally lostthe ability to even conceive of a hopeful future and must journey towardthis time perspective to create balance.

    • a third path: the expanded or holistic present
      • There is a third attitude toward the present that is very different fromboth present fatalism and present hedonism. The expanded or holisticpresent is the absolute present, a concept central to Buddhism andmeditation, and is very different from the Western

        By opening your mind fully to the present moment, you give uplonging and desire for future possibilities and surrender past regretsand obligations. This form of present attention or mindfulness can fillyour entire being, replacing your sense of past and fut

        Sanskrit, Indias classical language, captures that unique attitudetoward time in this ancient saying:Yesterday is already a dreamAnd tomorrow but a visionBut today well lived makes every yesterday a dream of happinessAnd every tomorrow a vision of hope.Alt

    • future: plan for tomorrow
      • Future-oriented people pay minimal attention to past experiences,and they brush off the clamor of the present to act now.

        Instead,a new psychology of time 43they pull out their mental calculator to figure out the possible futureconsequences of current actions. If they find that the anticipated costsare higher than the imagined gains, then it is a NO GO„the perceivedrisks trump

        Future-oriented people live in a world of contingencies, probabilities,and abstract mental representations of a virtual world on theirhorizon. They are not tempted by immediate gratification that couldbackfire later„like unprotected sex that could result in

        Not surprisingly, the future orientation lends itself to problemsolving and creating alternative strategies for reaching a goal. Futureorientedpeople finish what they start and get the job done. And theyunderstand that although anything can happen, they can

    • time perspectives and behavior worldwide
      • Time perspective differences are global. The following selected researchfindings on time perspectives and behavior were found using the ZTPIand detailed in The Time Paradox2:

        College grades in introductory psychology courses were foundto be highest for future-oriented, lowest for present fatalistic, andlow-average for present hedonistic students

        Future-oriented people tend to live longer because their dominanttrait is conscientiousness, which has been shown to addseveral years of life over those who are low in this characteristic

        Present-oriented college students (both female and male) atCornell University and Stanford University are significantly morelikely to drink alcohol to excess and engage in risky driving thanare their future-oriented peers

        Hospitalized heroin addicts, when compared to hospitalizednonaddicted controls, scored significantly higher on measuresof present hedonism and fatalism, and lower on measures offuture orientation

        Among two samples of U.S. high school students, a presentorientation was positively correlated with high-risk, high-arousalbehaviors. This is in contrast to the negative correlations foundwith future-oriented high school students on risky driving,receiving

        Present-oriented college students were most creative whenmaking art within an experimentally induced process focus, butleast creative with a focus on their product. This contrasts withfuture-oriented students, who excelled in art high in technicalmerit when

        In Rome, future-oriented women were found to be more likelythan present-oriented women to go to a free breast cancercheckup clinic

        Future-oriented people in Brazil and Mexico were found tobe more likely than their present-focused peers to engage inwater and energy conservation and to have pro-environmentattitudes.

        Students who scored high on past negative measures werefound to be less likely to get constructive social supportwhen under stress than those who were present or futureoriented.

        Future-oriented Canadians were found to be more likelythan others to make health responsibility and nutrition highpriorities

        British citizens who were homeless were more likely tohave scored, high on past negative and present fatalisticmeasures

    • transcendental future: look ahead„far, far ahead
      • As we have seen, future-oriented people are ambitious and motivatedby goals. They operate totally within the realm of their lifetime andmake decisions based on a relatively short or very long spans of time„focusing on next week, the quarterly return, or nex

        religious beliefs

        • One type of transcendental future orientation growsout of religious or spiritual beliefs. (Of members of the major worldreligions, Christians and Muslims score higher on transcendental futureorientation measures, whereas Jews and Buddhists score lower.)4 Fo

        secular beliefs

        • You dont have to be religious to have a transcendentalfuture orientation: you may make decisions based on the needs of futuregenerations. The Long Now Foundation, for example, has created theten-thousand-year clock, promoting very long-term thinking aboutt
    • Past Positive
      • Im going to ask her out„she remindsme of my favorite cousin
      • Law was a good field for my dad, so Imgoing to be an attorney too
      • Sure, why not? Most things work outfor me
      • Ive had so many good things in mylife„Im really fortunate
      • You have my blessing„not everyone inthat family was bad, just Grandpasbusiness partner.
    • Past Negative
      • My ex used to love that movie too„Icant be with her any more
      • My father was abusive, so Im better offwithout a man in my life
      • I always make mistakes„I shouldprobably leave this alone
      • The older I get, the more things I seethat Ive missed out on.
      • No, you cannot marry into thatfamily„they were responsible forsinking Grandpas business.
    • Present Hedonistic
      • Sure, why not? Live fast, dieyoung„thats my motto
      • College? No. Too much work, notenough partying
      • I love writing, art, music, anythingwhere I get to be creative
      • Sure, I shoplifted that ring„it was sopretty I just had to have it!
      • I love being spontaneous„you neverknow what will happen when you leavethe door open.
      • I never make to-do lists! That wouldjust cramp my style
    • Present Fatalistic
      • Sure, why not? If its gonna happen, itsgonna happen.
      • Why should I even bother going tocollege? If God wants me to be rich, Illbe rich.
      • Im waiting for inspiration. I know itwill strike sooner or later
      • Sure, I shoplifted that ring„if I getcaught, thats just my fate.
      • Why make big plans? Fate always lendsa hand
      • I never make to-do lists! Somethingalways comes along
    • Future Oriented
      • I have to meet tomorrows deadline
      • If I play my cards right, I can besuccessful in this life
      • Im willing to forgo eating desserttonight because I want to enjoy
      • Thanksgiving tomorrow
      • I can think of several ways to approachthat problem! Let me work out thedifferent scenarios
    • Transcendental Future Oriented
      • The only thing that is important iseternity
      • Whatever else happens, Ill get myreward in heaven
      • It doesnt really matter if Im not wellfed today„God will provide in the nextlife.
      • The best way to approach this problemis the one that has the most benefit inthe long term.
    • ZPTI-zimbardo time perspective inventory
      • 1 I believe that getting together with ones friends to party is oneof lifes important pleasures

        2 Familiar childhood sights, sounds, and smells often bringback a flood ofwonderful memories

        3 Fate determines much in my life

        4 I often think of what I should have done differently in my life

        5 My decisions are mostly influenced b ypeople and things around me

        6 I believe that a persons day should be planned ahead each morning

        7 It gives me pleasure to think of my past

        8 I do things impulsively

        9 If things dont get done on time, I dont worry about it

        10 When I want to achieve something, I set goals and consider specific means for reaching those goals

        11 On balance, there is much more good to recall than bad in my past

        12 When listening to myfavorite music, I often lose all track of time

        13 Meeting tomorrows deadlines and doing other necessary work come before tonights play

        14 Since whatever will be will be, it doesnt really matter what I do

        15 I enjoy stories about how things used to be in the good old times

        16 Painful past experiences keep being replayed in my mind

        17 I try to live my life as fully as possible, one day at a time

        18 It upsets me to be late for appointments

        19 Ideally, I would live each day as if it weremy last

        20 Happy memories of good times spring readily to mind

        21 I meet my obligations to friends and authorities on time

        22 Ive taken my share of abuse and rejection in the past

        23 I make decisions on the spur of the moment

        24 I take each day as it is rather than try to plan it out

        25 The past has too many unpleasant memories that I prefer not to think about

        26 It is important to put excitement in my life

        27 Ive made mistakes in the past that I wish I could undo

        28 I feel that its more important to enjoy what youre doing than to get work done on time

        29 I get nostalgic about my childhood

        30 Before making a decision, I weigh the costs against the benefits

        31 Taking risks keeps my life from becoming boring

        32 It is more important for me to enjoy lifes journey than to focus only on the destination

        33 Things rarely work out as I expected

        34 Its hard for me to forget unpleasant images of my youth

        35 It takes joy out of the process and flow of my activities if I have to think about goals, outcomes, and products

        36 Even when I am enjoying the present, I am drawn back to comparisons with similar pastexperiences

        37 You cant really plan for the future because things change so much

        38 My life path is controlled by forces I cannot influence

        39 It does not make sense to worry about the future, since there is nothing that I can do about it anyway

        40 I complete projects on time by making steady progress

        41 I find myself tuning out when family members talk about the way things used to be

        42 I take risks to put excitement in my life

        43 I make lists of things to do

        44 I often follow my heart more than my head

        45 I am able to resist temptations when I know that there is work to be done

        46 I find myself getting swept up in the excitement of the moment

        47 Life today is too complicated; I would prefer the simpler life of the past

        48 I prefer friends who are spontaneous rather than predictable

        49 I like family rituals and traditions that are regularly repeated

        50 I think about the bad things that have happened to me in the past

        51 I keep working at difficult, uninteresting tasks if they will help me get ahead

        52 Spending what I earn on pleasures today is better than saving for tomorrows security

        53 Often luck pays off better than hard work

        54 I think about the goodt hings that I have missed out on in mylife

        55 I like my close relationships to be passionate

        56 There will always be time to catch up onmy work

        scoring key

        • Scoring InstructionsBefore scoring the ZTPI, you have to reverse the answers for questions9, 24, 25, 41, and 56. This means a

          1 becomes a 5

          2 becomes a 4

          3 remains a 3

          4 becomes a 2

          5 becomes a 1

    • the past negative time perspective
      • Add your scores on questions 4, 5, 16, 22, 27, 33, 34, 36, 50, and 54.Then divide this number by 10.
      • 4. I often think of what I should have done differently inmy life.
      • 5. My decisions are mostly influenced by people andthings around me.
      • 16. Painful past experiences keep being replayed in mymind.
      • 22. Ive taken my share of abuse and rejection in the past
      • 27. Ive made mistakes in the past that I wish I couldundo.
      • 33. Things rarely work out as I expected.
      • 34. Its hard for me to forget unpleasant images of myyouth.
      • 36. Even when I am enjoying the present, I am drawnback to comparisons with similar past experiences
      • 50. I think about the bad things that have happened to mein the past
      • 54. I think about the good things that I have missed out onin my life.
    • the past positive time perspective
      • Add your scores on questions 2, 7, 11, 15, 20, 25 (reversed), 29, 41(reversed), and 49. Then divide this number by 9.

        2. Familiar childhood sights, sounds, and smells oftenbring back a flood of wonderful memories

        7. It gives me pleasure to think of my past

        11. On balance, there is much more good to recall thanbad in my past

        15. I enjoy stories about how things used to be in thegood old times.

        20. Happy memories of good times spring readily tomind.

        25. The past has too many unpleasant memories that Iprefer not to think about

        29. I get nostalgic about my childhood.

        41. I find myself tuning out when family members talkabout the way things used to be.

        49. I like family rituals and traditions that are regularlyrepeated.

    • the present fatalistic time perspective
      • Add your scores on questions 3, 14, 35, 37, 38, 39, 47, 52, and 53. Thendivide this number by 9

        3. Fate determines much in my life.

        14. Since whatever will be will be, it doesnt really matterwhat I do.

        35. It takes joy out of the process and flow of my activitiesif I have to think about goals, outcomes, and products.

        37. You cant really plan for the future because thingschange so much

        38. My life path is controlled by forces I cannot influence

        39. It doesnt make sense to worry about the future, sincethere is nothing that I can do about it anyway.

        47. Life today is too complicated; I would prefer thesimpler life of the past

        52. Spending what I earn on pleasures today is betterthan saving for tomorrows security

        53. Often luck pays off better than hard work.

    • the present hedonistic time perspective
      • Add your scores on questions 1, 8, 12, 17, 19, 23, 26, 28, 31, 32, 42, 44,46, 48, and 55. Then divide this number by 15.

        1. I believe that getting together with ones friends toparty is one of lifes important pleasures

        8. I do things impulsively.

        12. When listening to my favorite music, I often lose alltrack of time

        17. I try to live my life as fully as possible, one day at atime.

        19. Ideally, I would live each day as if it were my last

        23. I make decisions on the spur of the moment.

        26. It is important to put excitement in my life.

        28. I feel that its more important to enjoy what youredoing than to get work done on time

        31. Taking risks keeps my life from becoming boring

        32. It is more important for me to enjoy lifes journey thanto focus only on the destination

        42. I take risks to put excitement in my life.

        44. I often follow my heart more than my head

        46. I find myself getting swept up in the excitement of themoment

        48. I prefer friends who are spontaneous rather thanpredictable

        55. I like my close relationships to be passionate

    • the future time perspective
      • Add your scores on questions 6, 9 (reversed), 10, 13, 18, 21, 24(reversed), 30, 40, 43, 45, 51, and 56 (reversed). Then divide thisnumber by 13

        6. I believe that a persons day should be plannedahead each morning

        9. If things dont get done on time, I dont worry about it.

        10. When I want to achieve something, I set goals andconsider specific means for reaching those goals.

        13. Meeting tomorrows deadlines and doing othernecessary work come before tonights play

        18. It upsets me to be late for appointments.

        21. I meet my obligations to friends and authorities ontime.

        24. I take each day as it is rather than try to plan it out.

        30. Before making a decision, I weigh the costs againstthe benefits.

        40. I complete projects on time by making steadyprogress

        43. I make lists of things to do

        45. I am able to resist temptations when I know that thereis work to be done.

        51. I keep working at difficult, uninteresting tasks if they will help me get ahead

        56. There will always be time to catch up on my work.

    • interpreting your scores
      • Once youve taken the ZTPI or TTPI and scored it, you may wonder whatit all means. Figure 2.2 is a graph that we made by combining time perspectivescores from a large sample of respondents. It shows averageand ideal scores for each time perspective

        Average Scores (50 Percent):

        The average score for each time perspectivelines up with 50 percent on the graph. For example, for the pastnegative time perspective, the average score is 3.0. For the past positiveit is 3.7.9

        Ideal Scores (Dots):

        The dots represent our idea of ideal timescores„they are not associated with the data in any way. We haveincluded these ideals so that you can have an indication of how toimprove your time perspective.

    • developing a balanced time perspective
      • Our individual attitudes toward time are largely learned, and we generallyrelate to time unconsciously and subjectively. Each of us, in fact,has a time perspective that is largely biased„we overuse one of thetime zones while underusing the others, even when

        We have58 the time curefound, however, that as we become more conscious of our temporalorientations we can take action to change them, journeying toward abalanced time perspective.

        We divide the continual flow of our experiences into time framesthat help give order, coherence, and meaning to events. These timeframes may reflect cyclical and repetitive patterns, such as the changingseasons, holidays, your monthly menstrual cycle, or yo

        In our work we have consistently found that time perspectives playa fundamental role in the way people live. People tend to develop andoveruse a particular time zone, for example, focusing on the future, thepresent, or the past. Although one perspective is

        Future-oriented people tend to be more successful professionallyand academically, to eat well, to exercise regularly, and to schedule preventivedoctors exams. People who are predominantly present orientedtend to be willing to help others, but appear less w

        Consequently, future-oriented people are the most likely to be successfulbut the least likely to help others in need. Ironically, the peoplewho are best able to help are the least likely to do so. In contrast,present-oriented people are less likely to be su

        The situation is more complicated with past-oriented people. Divergentattitudes toward the past„negative or positive„play dramatica new psychology of time 59roles in daily decisions because they become binding frames of referencethat are carried in the mind

    • Time Zones Summary
      • The three subjective psychological time zones in which we liveare the past (what was), the present (what is), and the future(what will be). Each of these time zones is further divided bycultural biases; spiritual beliefs; and countless hopes, dreams,memorie

        Past-oriented people make decisions based on negative or positivememories of similar situations. Present-oriented peopletake immediate action based on pleasure or avoidance, withoutthought for consequences. Future-oriented people makedecisions based on a re

        1. Past positive people

        • Past positive people focus on the good old days. Theymay keep scrapbooks, collect photos, and look forward tocelebrating traditional holidays

        2. Past negative people

        • Past negative people focus on all the things that went wrongin the past: It doesnt matter what I do, my life will neverchange.

        3. Present hedonistic people

        • Present hedonistic people live in the moment„seekingpleasure, knowledge, and sensation, and avoiding pain.

        4. Present fatalistic people

        • Present fatalistic people feel that decisions are mootbecause predetermined fate plays the guiding role in life:What will be, will be.

        5. Future-oriented people

        • Future-oriented people plan for the future and trust thattheir decisions will work out

        6. Transcendental-future people

        • Transcendental-future…oriented people have faith that abetter time is coming after death, and plan for this duringtheir lives.

        Exercise: selected present hedonism

        • Allow yourself five uninterrupted minutes to relax in a safe place. Closeyour eyes. Breathe slowly, deeply, and rhythmically. Allow your body torelax deeper and deeper with each breath

          Once youve completed four of these relaxing breaths, think ofsomething you enjoy doing. If youve been through trauma and havebeen unable to enjoy yourself, you may have to go back to a time beforethe trauma and remember what used to bring you joy

          Now make a commitment to yourself to follow through with thisselected present hedonistic activity as soon as possible. There is notime like the present!

          If you now have a disability and can no longer do what you used toenjoy, then now is the time to discover new things that will bring you joy.These can be simple things, such as sitting in the sun, visiting a flowershop, listening to music, playing a board g

  • Chapter 3 Time Perspective Therapy
    • Most traditional therapy models take PTSD sufferers back into thehorror in the hope of desensitizing them to the trauma, or to plant themeaning of the present firmly in the experiences of the past. This maymean dwelling in the past for anywhere from a few h

      Time perspective therapy takes a very different route towardemotional and psychological recovery. We say, Where you are goingis more important than where you have been

      Your past is not yourpotential„your future is your potential.

      We begin by airing out thetrauma, giving it the respect it deserves; but we do not dwell there.Instead, we go even further back, gathering positive strengths from thepersons past„finding the person he or she was before the trauma.Then we come back to the p

      TPT basics

      • Understand time perspectives and how they frame the way wesee ourselves and our possibilities

        Respect the trauma. We acknowledge that this was an importantevent and should not be downplayed

        Recognize that PTSD sufferers are mentally injured, not mentallyill.

        Learn self-soothing behaviors, including breathing exercises andvisualizations

        Boost past positives. For PTSD in particular, we want to eventuallyeclipse the past negatives

        Encourage healthy present hedonism. We promote selectedactivities that are enjoyable but not irresponsible or lifethreatening.

        Encourage pro-social behavior, bringing the PTSD sufferer backinto healthy human relationships through social interaction ina relaxed group setting. Family members and significant othersare also invited to attend therapy sessions if possible

        Help them make, and act on, both short- and long-range plansfor a positive future„a brighter future.

      step 1: understanding time perspectives

      • Understanding time perspectives and how they determine the way wesee our lives and our possibilities in life is the key to success in TPT, sothis is the place we start with every client. This simple concept is an eyeopeningand easy-to-comprehend new way for

        We explain that one can either be stuck in one or two time perspectives(such as past negative and present fatalistic) at the expenseof the others (past positive, present hedonistic, and future positive), orbe balanced in all three major time zones.

        An overall balanced timeperspective usually results in greater emotional well-being, so this isour goal for them in therapy. In our experience it is more helpful forclients to learn, understand, and talk about their time perspective thantheir clinical sympt

        people suffering from PTSD

        • High past negative
        • Low past positive
        • High or low present hedonism
        • High present fatalism
        • Low future

      step 2: returning to the past

      • The first session, then, is concerned with establishing rapport. Thetherapist explains the components of PTSD, Temporal Theory (TT), andthe basics of TPT. During the explanation of TT and TPT, many clientshave an Ah ha! moment. They see that their traum

        Whatever the time perspective (TP) therapists method or the clientsresolve, we start with what brought the client in for therapy inthe first place„the trauma that knocked him or her off balance. Onceclients feel comfortable with the TP therapist, they beg

        Retelling the trauma can, understandably, be terribly upsetting forclients. Toward the end of the session, therefore, the therapist givesthem easy, practical tools„a simple breathing technique to help themcalm themselves and focus, relaxation and visualizat

      step 3: psychological testing

      • Early in therapy, the client is given a series of psychological tests. Theseinclude a trauma severity indicator (we use the Post-trauma Checklist forcivilians [PCL-C] or the Post-trauma Checklist for military [PCL-M]);a depression test (the Burns Depression

      step 4: discussing the present

      • In a follow-up session, we can usually begin to discuss clients symptoms(nightmares, flashbacks, intrusive recollections or thoughts,avoidance, isolation, anger and irritability, hyper-vigilance or paranoia,sleep deprivation, and so on). Understanding how

        Weve found that the best way to help PTSD sufferers overcometheir past traumas is to encourage them to envision a better future.This is accomplished by setting goals and figuring out specific meansby which these goals can be achieved. In turn, this encoura

        First, we ask them to imagine that they have one foot stuck in thequicksand of the past, and the other resting on the mud of the fatalisticpresent. The fatalistic view is reasonable given that nothing has workedto help them out of the quicksand. In this sta

        To make a start, all they need to do is lift that one foot out of themuck and mire of the past and put it on the solid ground of the future.Then they need to bring the other foot out of the mud of presentfatalism and rest it on the more solid ground of pres

        This imagery seems to be especially useful for our clients who areveterans, and whose traumas have been particularly brutal. We also canwork at stepping on the really secure ground of past positives, where allthe good things in their past are still ready to

      step 5: planning for the future

      • Once all of the skeletons (the past negatives) are out of the closet andtheir manifestations (present fatalistic and certain present hedonisticbehaviors) have been examined, its time to lay them to rest. We beginby making first short- and then long-range p

        In each succeeding session,wefocus first on handling any recent pastproblems, with emphasis on learning from past negatives and focusingon past positives. We discuss how the problems were handled or, ifthings didnt turn out so well, how they could have bee

        Next, we discuss immediate day-to-day problems and formulateplans to tackle them. We give our clients homework, stuff theymust do outside the therapeutic session to try out new patterns ofbehavior„under the safety of I have to do it, they made me do it, i

        Then plans are made for the next day, and then the next week, andthen the next month . . . until we have sketched out plans for a far futurepositive. These future positive plans must include some selected presenthedonism to offset the present fatalism in wh

      step 6: living in the expanded present

      • Follow-up psychological test results tell us that our job is done whenthe PTSD client consistently has more past positive thoughts than pastnegative, is following through with future positive plans while taking80 the time curecare of present business, and i

        The cycle of well-being (see Figure 3.3) starts in the present, withawareness and decision making. When a positive thought or attitude inthe form of hopes and dreams is projected into the future, this maximizesthe chance of a future positive time perspectiv

      Cycle of Well-Being

      • Good Memories
      • Past Positive
      • Hopes and Dreams
      • Future Positives

      emotional distress

      • High past negative: I am bothered by the past.
      • Low past positive: Nothing is good about the past.
      • High present fatalism: Nothing can change my fate, so Igive up
      • Low present hedonism: Nothing is good about my liferight now.
      • Low future: I avoid the future and fear it.
      • Low transcendental future: When I die, thats it.

      emotional well-being

      • Low past negative: The stuff that happened in my past wasntso bad.
      • High past positive: I enjoy thinking about the past.
      • Low present fatalism: I can make things better if I try.
      • High (selected) present hedonism: I love life; I enjoy my significantothers.
      • High-medium future: The best is yet to come.
      • Moderate transcendental future: There is an afterlife, and itsgood.

      getting to a balanced time perspective

      • TPTs goal is to help the client establish a balanced time perspective. ForPTSD sufferers, the negative past far outweighs the present or future,overbalancing the system like an elephant on a seesaw.

      The optimal temporal mix includes all time zones

      • 1. The past grounds us. It gives us roots, connecting us to our identityand family

        2. The future gives us wings to soar to new destinations and acceptnew challenges

        3. The present gives us the ongoing energy we need to explore ourworld, inside and outside of ourselves

      the present is the balance point between past and future

      • As the figure shows, the present is the fulcrum„the balance point„between the past and the future.The present is the point on which both the past and future canachieve balance. The present is the only place from which we can takeaction, but its not the onl

      mental distress tips the balance toward the negative past

      • The mental distress portion of the illustration demonstrates what happenswhen the negatives of the past outweigh hope for a better future(see Figure 3.4). Here the past negatives have been stuffed into a junkbox, overflowing and chaotic. The solid bar of th

      time perspective therapy extends future hopes

      • As time perspective therapy progresses, several things change: the negativejunk from the past is packed up into a much more manageablesuitcase„weve all got baggage, but we dont need to carry our entirebasement with us! (See Figure 3.5.) The timeline exten

      a balanced time perspective includes past, present, and futureworking together in harmony

      • In a balanced time perspective, amore positive past and a positive futurerest on the fulcrum of the present (see Figure 3.6). As future goalsbecome present realities, mental health improves. The positive thingsthat happened in the past once again become mor

      a balanced time perspective includes past, present, and futureworking together in harmony

      • In a balanced time perspective, amore positive past and a positive futurerest on the fulcrum of the present (see Figure 3.6). As future goalsbecome present realities, mental health improves. The positive thingsthat happened in the past once again become mor

      planning a brighter future

      • For PTSD sufferers, who have for so long lived only in the past andimmediate present, planning a brighter future means making plans forthe long term, for themselves and their loved ones. In the beginning,they naturally allow their past negatives to overwhel

      TPT Summary

      • The primary goal of TPT is the same regardless of what broughtthe client to therapy„achieving a balanced time perspective

        The basics of TPT include the following:

        • (1) understanding timeperspectives,
        • (2) respecting the trauma and understanding theconcept of mental injury versus mental illness
        • (3) using breathingand visualization to self-soothe,
        • (4) boosting past positives
        • (5) encouraging healthy present hedonism
        • (6) encouraging prosocialbehavior,
        • (7) planning and acting on positive futuregoals.

        Initial psychological testing of clients includes a trauma severityindicator, a depression test (the Burns Depression Checklist),an anxiety test (the Burns Anxiety Inventory), and theZTPI. These tests are scored by the therapist and discussedwith the client

        Follow-up psychological test results tell us that our jobis done when the PTSD client consistently has more pastpositive thoughts than past negative, is following through withfuture positive plans while taking care of present business,and is enjoying himsel

        TPTs post-therapy outcomes are proven in our pilot studyresults as well as in client follow-up, indicating that it can indeedbe a long-lasting solution. TPT pilot study results indicateimprovements between pre- and post-treatment over thethree-and-a-half-y

      Exercise: a brighter future

      • Allow yourself five uninterrupted minutes to relax in a safe place. Closeyour eyes. Breathe slowly, deeply, and rhythmically. Allow your body torelax deeper and deeper with each breath

        When youve completed four of these relaxing breaths, open yourmind to the image of your brighter future. Try not to think too hard, justlet it come. What does it look like? What are you doing? Who is with you?Where are you? What are you trying to achieve?

        There are no right answers here! Perhaps your brighter futureplan is social or financial, or has to do with your health. It could be assimple as planting a kitchen herb garden, starting an exercise program,or eating more healthfully, or as complicated a

        Now see yourself making a plan to actualize this brighter future.What will it take to achieve this goal? Take small steps that will beeasy to achieve, and envision yourself making carefully planned, steadyprogress toward your brighter future

  • Chapter 4 War Veterans, PTSD, and Time Perspective Therapy
    • Symptom minimizers
      • an attitude that has been instilled and reinforced from childhood.
      • Symptom minimizers can be severely depressed or anxious, yetput on a happy face in public.
      • repression and denial
      • frequent intrusive
      • distressingrecollections
      • flashbacks
      • suffer from sleep deprivation
    • Temporal Theory
      • Whenever hehad past negative thoughts
      • he was asked to remember the past positives
  • Chapter 6 Women, PTSD, and Time Perspective Therapy
    • Why twice as likely? The National Center for PTSD puts it in bluntterms:
      • Women are more likely to experience sexual assault.
      • Sexual assault is more likely than many other events to causePTSD
      • Women may be more likely to blame themselves for trauma experiencesthan men [italics added].
    • women are more likely to developPTSD if they
      • Have a past mental health problem (e.g., depression or anxiety)
      • Experienced a very severe or life-threatening trauma
      • Were sexually assaulted
      • Were injured during the event
      • Had a severe reaction at the time of the event
      • Experienced other stressful events afterwards
      • Do not have good social support
    • do hormones play a role in womens PTSD?
      • As scientific studies on women and PTSD emerge, we are finding aninteresting correlation between womens physical makeup and PTSD

        Their findings: thewomen, PTSD, and time perspective therapy 187hormone-like molecule PACAP (pituitary adenylate cyclase-activatingpolpypeptide), which regulates a persons stress response on a cellularlevel, was higher in clients with PTSD than in those wh

        A follow-up study including only traumatizedwomen found that women with PTSD were also more likely to have avariation of a gene for PAC-1 (first procaspase-activating compound)„asynthesized chemical compound with anti-tumor potential that also respondsto es

        This study provides a possible answer to the question of why somewomen respond differently than some men to traumatic situations andexperiences.Ressler hypothesizes that estrogen, the primary female sexhormone, may amplify the effects of stress. The gene fo

  • Glossary
    • Balanced time perspective
      • Having free emotional and mentalmobility between thoughts of the past, present, and future; theoptimum psychological state. See Time perspective(s).
    • Brighter future
      • A future time perspective free of the emotional andmental suffering from untreated PTSD; the goal of timeperspective therapy. It is the hope that the future will be betterthan the past.
    • Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT)
      • A systematic, goal-orientedpsychotherapeutic approach merging two established talktherapies: cognitive therapy (aimed at changing unconstructiveemotional responses and dysfunctional thinking) and behavioraltherapy (reinforcing wanted behaviors and eliminati
    • Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)
      • A severe anxiety disorderthat can develop after exposure to a physically or psychologicallytraumatic event. This event may involve the threat of death tooneself or to someone else, or a threat to ones own or someoneelses physical, sexual, or psychological
    • Suicidal and homicidal ideations with or without plan(s)
      • Thoughts of taking ones own life or the life of another, eitherincluding thoughts of how to proceed (such as by the use of aweapon, vehicle, drugs, and so on) or without such a thought (forexample, wishing one would simply die).
    • Symptom minimizer
      • An individual suffering from depression,anxiety, trauma, and related symptoms (such as avoidance,isolation, irritability, increased anger, suicidal thoughts, and so on)who downplays the severity of his or her symptoms. Repression,denial, and displacement ar
    • Temporal Theory (TT)
      • The theory that ones time perspective(s)affect ones view of ones life and the choices one makes. TemporalTheory, as posited by Philip Zimbardo, stresses the importance ofones individual time perspective and its impact on ones sense ofmental distress or
    • Time Paradox
      • The idea that one can be stuck in a particular timeperspective, such as the past, even though time is considered linearand progressive. According to Philip Zimbardo, there are twoTime Paradoxes. First, our attitudes toward time have profoundimpacts on o
    • Time perspective(s) (TP)
      • The psychological term for the process bywhich each of us sorts out our personal experiences into temporalcategories. Each of the three primary subjective time zones„past,present, and future„is divided into two parts, yielding six maintime perspectives:
    • Past positive (PP)
      • A positive focus on the memories of thegood old days, family, and tradition. Balancing past positive andfuture positive orientations creates the following:
    • Expanded or holistic present
      • A focus on the here and now, abelief that all things are connected
    • Past negative (PN)
      • A negative focus that recalls past abuse, failures,and regrets over missed opportunities.
    • Present hedonism (PH)
      • A focus on pleasure, risk taking, andsensation seeking. Also of note is
    • Selected present hedonism (SPH)
      • A focus on a moderateamount of pleasure and sensation seeking; frequently as areward for accomplishments
    • Present fatalism (PF)
      • A focus on not taking control of situationsthat is driven by a belief that life is fated to play out in acertain way, no matter what one does
    • Future (F)
      • A focus on working for goals, meeting deadlines, andachieving objectives. In the development of time perspectivetherapy, the future time perspective was split into
    • Future positive
      • A focus on a brighter future
    • Future negative
      • A focus on a fatalistic future
    • Transcendental future
      • A focus that places spiritual life after thedeath of the body above all else (religious); a focus that places thelong-term future of many generations, or the life of the planet,above all else (secular)
    • Time perspective therapy (TPT)
      • The implementation ofZimbardos Temporal Theory into clinical practice, using a contextof time perspectives; an evolution of cognitive behavioral therapy.Developed by Richard and Rosemary Sword in 2008…2009, it hasbeen used successfully to treat PTSD, depre
  • Compiled By:
    • blindcaveman.wordpress.com
    • Rigel Arcayan

Mindmap-Book SummaryThinkingFastSlow

Mindmap-Book SummaryThinkingFastSlow

  • About Thinking Fast and Slow
    • Date Read: December 2014
    • Author: Daniel Kahneman
    • ISBN: 978-0374533557
    • 512 pages
    • MyRating: 5 Stars
  • Thinking Fast and Slow
    • Introduction
      • aim for watercooler conversations

        improve the ability toidentify and understand errors of judgment and choice in others andeventually in ourselves by providing a richer and more precise language todiscuss them In at least some cases an accurate diagnosis may suggestan intervention to limit the damage that bad judgments and choices oftencause

        Origins

        Are peoplegood intuitive statisticians?

        We already knew that people are goodintuitive grammarians: at age four a child effortlessly conforms to the rulesof grammar as she speaks although she has no idea that such rules exist

        Do people have a similar intuitive feel for the basic principles of statistics?

        We had concluded in the seminarthat our own intuitions were deficient

        In spite of years of teaching andusing statistics we had not developed an intuitive sense of the reliability ofstatistical results observed in small samples

        Even statisticians were not good intuitive statisticians

        Ourresearch was a conversation

        we invented questions and jointlyexamined our intuitive answers

        Each question was a small experiment and we carried out many experiments in a single day

        We were notseriously looking for the correct answer to the statistical questions weposed

        Our aim was to identify and analyze the intuitive answer the first1 that came to mind the 1 we were tempted to make even when weknew it to be wrong

        We believed—correctly as it happened—that anyintuition that the 2 of us shared would be shared by many other peopleas well and that it would be easy to demonstrate its effects on judgments

        reliance on the ease of memory

        adultery ismore common among politicians than among physicians or lawyers

        Consider the letter K Is K more likely to appear as the first letter in a word OR as thethird letter?

        Social scientists in the s broadlyaccepted 2 ideas about human nature

        First people are generallyrational and their thinking is normally sound

        Second emotions such asfear affection and hatred explain most of the occasions on which peopledepart from rationality

        Our article challenged both assumptions withoutdiscussing them directly

        We documented systematic errors in the thinkingof normal people and we traced these errors to the design of themachinery of cognition rather than to the corruption of thought by emotion

        students of policy have noted that the availability heuristichelps explain why some issues are highly salient in the public’s mind whileothers are neglected

        People tend to assess the relative importance ofissues by the ease with which they are retrieved from memory—and this islargely determined by the extent of coverage in the media

        Frequentlymenti1d topics populate the mind even as others slip away fromawareness

        In turn what the media choose to report corresponds to theirview of what is currently on the public’s mind

    • Where we are now
    • What Comes Next
  • Part I 2 Systems
    • Chapter 01 The Characters of the Story
      • 2 Systems
      • System 1
        • System 1 operates automatically and quickly with little or no effortand no sense of voluntary control

          examples of the automaticactivities that are attributed to System 1

          Detect that 1 object is more distant than another

          Orient to the source of a sudden sound

          Complete the phrase “bread and…”

          Make a “disgust face” when shown a horrible picture

          Detect hostility in a voice

          Answer to + = ?

          Read words on large billboards

          Drive a car on an empty road

          Find a strong move in chess (if you are a chess master)

          Understand simple sentences

          Recognize that a “meek and tidy soul with a passion for detail”resembles an occupational stereotype

          All these mental events belong with the angry woman—they occurautomatically and require little or no effort

          The capabilities of System 1include innate skills that we share with other animals

          We are bornprepared to perceive the world around us recognize objects orientattention avoid losses and fear spiders

          The knowledge

          The knowledge is stored in memory and accessed withoutintention and without effort

          mental actions in the list are completely involuntary

          Youcannot refrain from understanding simple sentences in your own languageor from orienting to a loud unexpected sound nor can you prevent yourselffrom knowing that + = or from thinking of Paris when the capital ofFrance is menti1d

          The control of attentionis shared by the 2 systems

          You may be able to resist turning towardthe source of a loud and offensive comment at a crowded party but even ifyour head does not move your attention is initially directed to it at least fora while However attention can be moved away from an unwanted focus primarily by focusing intently on another target

      • System 2
        • System 2 allocates attention to the effortful mental activities thatdemand it including complex computations The operations ofSystem 2 are often associated with the subjective experience ofagency choice and concentration

          The highly diverse operations of System 2 have 1 feature in common:they require attention and are disrupted when attention is drawn away

          Brace for the starter gun in a race

          Focus attention on the clowns in the circus

          Focus on the voice of a particular person in a crowded and noisyroom

          Look for a woman with white hair

          Search memory to identify a surprising sound

          Maintain a faster walking speed than is natural for you

          Monitor the appropriateness of your behavior in a social situation

          Count the occurrences of the letter a in a page of text

          Tell some1 your ph1 number

          Park in a narrow space (for most people except garage attendants)

          Compare 2 washing machines for overall value

          Fill out a tax form

          Check the validity of a complex logical argument

          In all these situations you must pay attention and you will perform less well or not at all if you are not ready or if your attention is directedinappropriately

          System 2 has some ability to change the way System 1works by programming the normally automatic functions of attention andmemory

          When waiting for a relative at a busy train station for example you can set yourself at will to look for a white haired woman or a beardedman and thereby increase the likelihood of detecting your relative from adistance

          You can set your memory to search for capital cities that startwith N or for French existentialist novels

          when you rent a car atLondon’s Heathrow Airport the attendant will probably remind you that “wedrive on the left side of the road over here

          In all these cases you areasked to do something that does not come naturally and you will find thatthe consistent maintenance of a set requires continuous exertion of at leastsome effort

          “pay attention”

          The often used phrase “pay attention” is apt: you dispose of a limitedbudget of attention that you can allocate to activities and if you try toi>Cyou try tgo beyond your budget you will fail

          It is the mark of effortfulactivities that they interfere with each other which is why it is difficult orimpossible to conduct several at once

          You could not compute the productof × while making a left turn into dense traffic and you certainlyshould not try

          You can do several things at once but only if they are easyand undemanding

          You are probably safe carrying on a conversation with apassenger while driving on an empty highway and many parents havediscovered perhaps with some guilt that they can read a story to a childwhile thinking of something else

          Intense focusing on a task can make people effectively blind even tostimuli that normally attract attention

          Seeing and orienting are automatic functions ofSystem 1 but they depend on the allocation of some attention to therelevant stimulu

          Invisible Gorilla The gorilla study illustrates 2 important facts about our minds

          • we can be blind to theobvious
          • we are also blind to our blindness

          Plot Synopsis

          The interaction of the 2 systems is a recurrent theme of the book and abrief synopsis of the plot is in order In the story I will tell Systems and are both active whenever we are awake

          System 1 runs automatically andSystem 2 is normally in a comfortable low effort mode in which only afraction of its capacity is engaged

          System 1 continuously generatessuggestions for System 2

          • impressions
          • intuitions
          • intentions
          • feelings

          If endorsed by System 2 impressions and intuitions turn into beliefs andimpulses turn into voluntary actions

          When all goes smoothly which is mostof the time System 2 adopts the suggestions of System 1 with little or nomodification You generally believe your impressions and act on yourdesires and that is fine—usually

          When System 1 runs into difficulty it calls on System 2 to support moredetailed and specific processing that may solve the problem of themoment

          System 2 is mobilized when a question arises for which System 1does not offer an answer as probably happened to you when youencountered the multiplication problem ×

          You can also feel a surgeof conscious attention whenever you are surprised

          System 2 is activ”>< is actated when an event is detected that violates the model of the worldthat System 1 maintains In that world lamps do not jump cats do not bark and gorillas do not cross basketball courts

          most of what you (your System) think and do originates in your System 1 but System 2 takes over whenthings get difficult and it normally has the last word

          1 of the tasks of System 2 is to overcome the impulses ofSystem 1 In other words System 2 is in charge of self control

          Illusions

          You have chosen to believe themeasurement but you cannot prevent System 1 from doing its thing; youcannot decide to see the lines as equal although you know they are

          Toresist the illusion there is only 1 thing you can do: you must learn tomistrust your impressions of the length of lines when fins are attached tothem To implement that rule you must be able to recognize the illusorypattern and recall what you know about it If you can do this you will neveragain be fooled by the Müller Lyer illusion But you will still see 1 line aslonger than the other

          cognitive illusions

          Not all illusions are visual There are illusions of thought which we callcognitive illusions

          The question that is most often asked about cognitive illusions iswhether they can be overcome

          Useful Fictions

          Mental arithmetic is a voluntary activity thatrequires effort should not be performed while making a left turn and isassociated with dilated pupils and an accelerated heart rate ”

      • Speaking of System 1 and System 2
        • “He had an impression but some of his impressions areillusions ”
        • “This was a pure System 1 response She reacted to the threatbefore she recognized it ”
        • “This is your System 1 talking Slow down and let your System 2take control ”
    • Chapter 02 Attention and Effort
      • Mental Effort

        Eckhard Hess

        It begins with Hess reporting that his wife hadnoticed his pupils widening as he watched beautiful nature pictures and itends with 2 striking pictures of the same good looking woman whosomehow appears much more attractive in 1 than in the other

        There isonly 1 difference: the pupils of the eyes appear dilated in the attractivepicture and constricted in the other

        1 of Hess’s findings especially captured my attention

        He had noticedthat the pupils are sensitive indicators of mental effort—they dilatesubstantially when people multiply 2 digit numbers and they dilate moreif the problems are hard than if they are easy

        His observations indicatedthat the response to mental effort is distinct from emotional arousal

        developed a setup similar to an optician’s examinationroom in which the experimental participant leaned her head on a chin andforeheadrest and stared at a camera while listening to prerecordedinformation and answering questions on the recorded beats of ametronome The beats triggered an infrared flash every second causing apicture to be taken At the end of each experimental session we wouldrush to have the film developed project the images of the pupil on ascreen and go to work with a ruler The method was a perfect fit for youngand impatient researchers: we knew our results almost immediately andthey always told a clear story

        Beatty and I focused on paced tasks such as Add in which we knewprecisely what was on the subject’s mind at any time We recorded stringsof digits on beats of the metronome and instructed the subject to repeat ortransform the digits 1 indigits onby 1 maintaining the same rhythm We soon discovered that the size of the pupil varied second by second reflecting the changing demands of the task The shape of the responsewas an inverted V As you experienced it if you tried Add or Add effortbuilds up with every added digit that you hear reaches an almostintolerable peak as you rush to produce a transformed string during andimmediately after the pause and relaxes gradually as you “unload” yourshort term memory The pupil data corresponded precisely to subjectiveexperience: longer strings reliably caused larger dilations thetransformation task compounded the effort and the peak of pupil sizecoincided with maximum effort

        During a mental multiplication the pupilnormally dilated to a large size within a few seconds and stayed large aslong as the individual kept working on the problem; it contractedimmediately when she found a solution or gave up As we watched fromthe corridor we would sometimes surprise both the owner of the pupil andour guests by asking “Why did you stop working just now?” The answerfrom inside the lab was often “How did you know?” to which we wouldreply “We have a window to your soul ”

        mental life

        Unlike the tasks that we were studying themundane conversation apparently demanded little or no effort—no morethan retaining 2 or three digits This was a eureka moment: I realized thatthe tasks we had chosen for study were exceptionally effortful

        life of System 2—

        normally conducted at the pace of a comfortable walk sometimesinterrupted by episodes of jogging and on rare occasions by a franticsprint The Add and Add exercises are sprints and casual chatting isa stroll

        We found that people when engaged in a mental sprint may becomeeffectively blind

        effectively blind

        We found that people when engaged in a mental sprint may becomeeffectively blind The authors of The Invisible Gorilla had made the gorilla“invisible” by keeping the observers intensely busy counting passes

        index of the current rate

        Similarly wedecide what to do but we have limited control over the effort of doing it Suppose you are shown four digits say and told that your lifedepends on holding them in memory for seconds However much youwant to live you cannot exert as much effort in this task as you would beforced to invest to complete an Add transformation on the same digits

        limitedcapacity

        System 2 and the electrical circuits in your home both have limitedcapacity but they respond differently to threatened overload A breakertrips when the demand for current is excessive causing all devices on thatcircuit to lose power at once In contrast the response to mental overloadis selective and precise

        System 2 protects the most important activity soit receives the attention it needs; “spare capacity” is allocated second bysecond to other tasks

        allocation of attention

        In our version of the gorilla experiment weinstructed the participants to assign priority to the digit task We know thatthey followed that instruction because the timing of the visual target had noeffect on the main task If the critical letter was presented at a time of highdemand the subjects simply did not see it When the transformation taskwas less demanding detection performance was better

        Orienting and responding quickly to the gravest threatsor most promising opportunities improved the chance of survival and thiscapability is certainly not restricted to humans

        Even in modern humans System 1 takes over in emergencies and assigns total priority to selfprotectiveactions Imagine yourself at the wheel of a car that unexpectedlyskids on a large oil slick You will find that you have responded to the threatbefore you became fully conscious of it

        Attention andEffort

        As you become skilled in a task its demand for energy diminishes Studies of the brain have shown that the pattern of activity associated withan action changes as skill increases with fewer brain regions involved

        As you become skilled in a task its demand for energy diminishes Studies of the brain have shown that the pattern of activity associated withan action changes as skill increases with fewer brain regions involved

        Talent has similar effects

        Highly intelligent individuals need less effort tosolve the same problems as indicated by both pupil size and brain activity

        A general “law of least effort” appd t” alies to cognitive as well as physicalexertion

        The law asserts that if there are several ways of achieving thesame goal people will eventually gravitate to the least demanding courseof action

        economy of action

        In the economy of action effort is a cost and the acquisition ofskill is driven by the balance of benefits and costs Laziness is built deepinto our nature

        Mental multiplication of 2 digit numbers and theAdd task are near the limit of what most people can do

        Mental multiplication of 2 digit numbers and theAdd task are near the limit of what most people can do

        What makes some cognitive operations more demanding and effortfulthan others?

        What outcomes must we purchase in the currency ofattention?

        What can System 2 do that System 1 cannot?

        Effort is required to maintain simultaneously in memory several ideasthat require separate actions or that need to be combined according to arule—rehearsing your shopping list as you enter the supermarket choosing between the fish and the veal at a restaurant or combining asurprising result from a survey with the information that the sample wassmall for example

        System 2 is the only 1 that can follow rules

        compareobjects on several attributes

        make deliberate choices betweenoptions

        automatic System 1 does not have these capabilities

        System 2 is the only 1 that can follow rules compareobjects on several attributes and make deliberate choices betweenoptions The automatic System 1 does not have these capabilities

        System detects simple relations (“they are all alike ” “the son is much taller thanthe father”) and excels at integrating information about 1 thing but itdoes not deal with multiple distinct topics at once nor is it adept at usingpurely statistical information

        A crucial capability of System 2

        “task sets”:

        • A crucial capability of System 2 is the adoption of “task sets”: it canprogram memory to obey an instruction that overrides habitual responses
          • Count all occurrences of the letter f in this page This is not a task you have ever performed before and it will not comenaturally to you but your System 2 can take it on It will be effortful to setyourself up for this exercise and effortful to carry it out though you willsurely improve with practice

            Count all occurrences of the letter f in this page This is not a task you have ever performed before and it will not comenaturally to you but your System 2 can take it on It will be effortful to setyourself up for this exercise and effortful to carry it out though you willsurely improve with practice

        “executive control”

        • Psychologists speak of “executive control” todescribe the adoption and termination of task sets and neuroscientistshave identified the main regions of the brain that serve the executivefunction 1 of these regions is involved whenever a conflict must beresolved

        Now suppose that at the end of the page you get another instruction:count all the commas in the next page This will be harder because you willhave to overcome the newly acquired tendency to focus attention on theletter f 1 of the significant discoveries of cognitive psychologists inrecent decades is that switching from 1 task to another is effortful especially under time pressure The need for rapid switching is 1 of thereasons that Add and mental multiplication are so difficult

        To performthe Add task you must hold several digits in your working memory at thesame time associating each with a particular operation: some digits are inthe queue to be transformed 1 is in the process of transformation andothers already transformed are retained for reporting Modern tests ofworking memory require the individual to switch repeatedly between 2demanding tasks retaining the results of 1 operation while performingthe other

        People who do well on these tests tend to do well on tests ofgeneral intelligence

        the ability to control attention is not simply ameasure of intelligence

        measures of efficiency in the control of attentionpredict performance

        Time pressure is another driver of effort

        Much like the electricity meter outside your house or apartment thepupils offer an index of the current rate at which mental energy is used

        Speaking of Attention and Effort

        • “I won’t try to solve this while driving This is a pupil dilating task Itrequires mental effort!”

          “The law of least effort is operating here He will think as little aspossible ”

          “She did not forget about the meeting She was completelyfocused on something else when the meeting was set and shejust didn’t hear you ”

          “What came quickly to my mind was an intuition from System 1 I’llhave to start over and search my memory deliberately ”

    • Chapter 03 The Lazy Controller
      • Researchers have applied diverse methods to examine the connectionbetween thinking and self control

        Some have addressed it by asking thecorrelation question:

        If people were ranked by their self control and by theircognitive aptitude would individuals have similar positions in the 2rankings?

        four year old children experiment

        • They were given a choice between a small reward (1 Oreo) which they could have at any time or a larger reward (2 cookies) forwhich they had to wait minutes under difficult conditions They were toremain al1 in a room facing a desk with 2 objects: a single cookieand a bell that the child could ring at any time to call in the experimenterand receiven oand recei the 1 cookie As the experiment wasdescribed: “There were no toys books pictures or other potentiallydistracting items in the room The experimenter left the room and did notreturn until min had passed or the child had rung the bell eaten therewards stood up or shown any signs of distress ”

          The children were watched through a 1 way mirror and the film thatshows their behavior during the waiting time always has the audienceroaring in laughter About half the children managed the feat of waiting for minutes mainly by keeping their attention away from the temptingreward

          Ten or fifteen years later a large gap had ed between thosewho had resisted temptation and those who had not

          The resisters hadhigher measures of executive control in cognitive tasks and especially theability to reallocate their attention effectively

          As young adults they wereless likely to take drugs A significant difference in intellectual aptitudeemerged: the children who had shown more self control as four year oldshad substantially higher scores on tests of intelligence

        cognitive control

        A team of researchers at the University of Oregon explored the linkbetween cognitive control and intelligence in several ways including anattempt to raise intelligence by improving the control of attention

        Duringfive minute sessions they exposed children aged four to six to variouscomputer games especially designed to demand attention and control In1 of the exercises the children used a joystick to track a cartoon cat andmove it to a grassy area while avoiding a muddy area The grassy areasgradually shrank and the muddy area expanded requiring progressivelymore precise control

        The testers found that training attention not onlyimproved executive control; scores on nonverbal tests of intelligence alsoimproved and the improvement was maintained for several months

        Otherresearch by the same group identified specific genes that are involved inthe control of attention showed that parenting techniques also affected thisability and demonstrated a close connection between the children’s abilityto control their attention and their ability to control their emotions

        Cognitive Reflection Test

        He went on to study thecharacteristics of students who score very low on this test—the supervisoryfunction of System 2 is weak in these people—

        found that they arepr1 to answer questions with the first idea that comes to mind andunwilling to invest the effort needed to check their intuitions

        Individuals whouncritically follow their intuitions about puzzles are also pr1 to acceptother suggestions from System 1

        they are impulsive impatient and keen to receive immediate gratification

        For example %of the intuitive respondents say they would prefer to get $ this monthrather than $ next month

        Only % of those who solve all threepuzzles correctly have the same shortsighted preference for receiving asmaller amount immediately

        When asked how much they will pay to getovernight delivery of a book they have ordered the low scorers on theCognitive Reflection Test are willing to pay twice as much as the highscorers Frederick’s findings suggest that the characters of ourpsychodrama have different “personalities

        System 1 is impulsive andintuitive;

        System 2 is capable of reasoning and it is cautious but at leastfor some people it is also lazy

        What makes some people more susceptible thanothers to biases of judgment?

        Rationality and the Reflective Mind

        • separate “minds ”

          algorithmic

          1 of these minds (he calls italgorithmic) deals with slow thinking and demanding computation

          Somepeople are better than others in these tasks of brain power—they are theindividuals who excel in intelligence tests and are able to switch from 1task to another quickly and efficiently

          intelligence does not make people immune to biases

          concept of a rationalperson is similar to what I earlier labeled “engaged ”

          The core of hisargument is that rationality should be distinguished from intelligence

          Inhis view superficial or “lazy” thinking is a flaw in the reflective mind afailure of rationality

        Speaking of Control

        • “She did not have to struggle to stay on task for hours She was ina state of flow ”

          “His ego was depleted after a long day of meetings So he justturned to standard operating procedures instead of thinkingthrough the problem ”

          “He didn’t bother to check whether what he said made sense Does he usually have a lazy System 2 or was he unusually tired?”

          “Unfortunately she tends to say the first thing that comes into hermind She probably also has trouble delaying gratification WeakSystem 2 ”

        System 2 also has a natural speed You expend some mental energy inrandom thoughts and in monitoring what goes on around you even whenyour mind does nothing in particular but there is little strain

        Unless you arein a situation that makes you unusually wary or self conscious monitoringwhat happens in the environment or inside your head demands little effort You make many small decisions as you drive your car absorb someinformation as you read the newspaper and conduct routine exchanges ofpleasantries with a spouse or a colleague all with little effort and no strain Just like a stroll

        You can confirm this claim by a simpleexperiment While walking comfortably with a friend ask him to compute × in his head and to do so immediately He will almost certainly stopin his tracks

        Accelerating beyond my strolling speed completely changes theexperience of walking because the transition to a faster walk brings abouta sharp deterioration in my ability to think coherently As I speed up myattention is drawn with increasing frequency to the experience of walkingand to the deliberate maintenance of the faster pace My ability to bring atrain of thought to a conclusion is impaired accordingly

        My experience is that I can think while strolling but cannotengage in mental work that imposes a heavy load on short term memory

        flow

        • state of effortless attending

          People who experience flow describe it as“a state of effortless concentration so deep that they lose their sense oftime of themselves of their problems ”

        “optimalexperience ”

        • Flow neatly separates the 2 formsof effort:
          • concentration on the task
          • the deliberate control of attention

        In a state of flow however maintainingfocused attention on these absorbing activities requires no exertion of selfcontrol thereby freeing resources to be directed to the task at hand

        The Busy and Depleted System 2

        • forms of mental work
        • self control
        • cognitiveeffort

        psychological studies have shownthat people who are simultaneously challenged by a demanding cognitivetask and by a temptation are more likely to yield to the temptation

        Imaginethat you are asked to retain a list of seven digits for a minute or 2 Youare told that remembering the digits is your top priority While yourattention is focused on the digits you are offered a choice between 2desserts: a sinful chocolate cake and a virtuous fruit salad The evidencesuggests that you would be more likely to select the tempting chocolatecake when your mind is loaded with digits System 1 has more influenceon behavior when System 2 is busy and it has a sweet tooth

        People who are cognitively busy are also more likely to make selfishchoices use sexist language and make superficial judgments in socialsituations

        Memorizing and repeating digits loosens the hold of System 2on behavior but of course cognitive load is not the only cause ofweakened self control

        A few drinks have the same effect as does asleepless night

        The self control of morning people is impaired at night; thereverse is true of night people Too much concern about how well 1 isdoing in a task sometimes disrupts performance by loading short termmemory with pointless anxious thoughts

        The conclusion

        The conclusion is straightforward:self control requires attention and effort

        controlling thoughts and behaviors is 1 of the tasks that System 2performs

        variants of voluntaryeffort

        • cognitive
        • emotional
        • physical

        ego depletion

        • The phenomenon has been named ego depletion In a typicaldemo thypical denstration participants who are instructed to stifle theiremotional reaction to an emotionally charged film will later perform poorlyon a test of physical stamina—how long they can maintain a strong grip ona dynamometer in spite of increasing discomfort
          • A series of surprising experiments by the psychologist Roy Baumeisterand his colleagues has shown conclusively that all variants of voluntaryeffort—cognitive emotional or physical—draw at least partly on a sharedpool of mental energy

            Baumeister’s group has repeatedly found that an effort of will or selfcontrolis tiring

            if you have had to force yourself to do something you areless willing or less able to exert self control when the next challenge comesaround

            The emotional effort inthe first phase of the experiment reduces the ability to withstand the pain ofsustained muscle contraction and ego depleted people thereforesuccumb more quickly to the urge to quit

        In another experiment peopleare first depleted by a task in which they eat virtuous foods such asradishes and celery while resisting the temptation to indulge in chocolateand rich cookies Later these people will give up earlier than normal whenfaced with a difficult cognitive task

        list of situations and tasks that are now known to deplete self control

        • avoiding the thought of white bears
        • inhibiting the emotional response to a stirring film
        • making a series of choices that involve conflict
        • trying to impress others
        • responding kindly to a partner’s bad behavior
        • interacting with a person of a different race (for prejudicedindividuals)

        indications of depletion

        • deviating from 1’s diet
        • overspending on impulsive purchases
        • reacting aggressively to provocation
        • persisting less time in a handgrip task
        • performing poorly in cognitive tasks and logical decision making

        The evidence is persuasive

        activities that impose high demands onSystem 2 require self control

        the exertion of self control is depletingand unpleasant

        Unlike cognitive load ego depletion is at least in part aloss of motivation

        After exerting self control in 1 task you do not feellike making an effort in another although you could do it if you really had to

        people were able to resist the effects of egodepletion when given a strong incentive to do so

        increasingeffort is not an option when you must keep six digits in short term memorywhile performing a task

        Ego depletion is not the same mental state ascognitive busyness

        The most surprising discovery made by Baumeister’s group shows ashe puts it that the idea of mental energy is more than a mere metaphor

        The nervous system consumes more glucose than most other parts of thebody and effortful mental activity appears to be especially expensive in thecurrency of glucose

        When you are actively involved in difficult cognitivereasoning or engaged in a task that requires self control your bloodglucose level drops

        Volunteers in 1 of their studies watched a short silent film of a womanbeing interviewed and were asked to interpret her body language Whilethey were performing the task a series of words crossed the screen inslow succession The participants were specifically instructed to ignore thewords and if they found their attention drawn away they had to refocus theirconcentration on the woman’s behavior This act of self control was knownto cause ego depletion

        The lemonade was sweetened with glucosefor half of them and with Splenda for the others Then all participants weregiven a task in which they needed to overcome an intuitive response to getthe correct answer Intuitive errors are normally much more frequent amongego depleted people and the drinkers of Splenda showed the expecteddepletion effect

        On the other hand the glucose drinkers were notdepleted Restoring the level of available sugar in the brain had preventedthe deterioration of performance

        A disturbing demonstration of depletion effects in judgment was recentlyreported in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences

        • Theunwitting participants in the study were eight parole judges in Israel Theyspend entire days reviewing applications for parole The cases arepresented in random order and the judges spend little time on each 1 an average of minutes (The default decision is denial of parole; only % of requests are approved The exact time of each decision isrecorded and the times of the judges’ three food breaks—morning break lunch and afternoon break—during the day are recorded as well ) Theauthors of the study plotted the proportion of approved requests againstthe time since the last food break The proportion spikes after each meal when about % of requests are granted During the 2 hours or so untilthe judges’ next feeding the approval rate drops steadily to about zero justbefore the meal As you might expect this is an unwelcome result and theauthors carefully checked many alternative explanations

          The best possibleaccount of the data provides bad news: tired and hungry judges tend to fallback on the easier default position of denying requests for parole Bothfatigue and hunger probably play a role

        The Lazy System 2

        • 1 of the main functions of System 2 is to monitor and control thoughtsand actions “suggested” by System 1 allowing some to be expresseddirectly in behavior and suppressing or modifying others

          For an example here is a simple puzzle Do not try to solve it but listento your intuition

          • A bat and ball cost $ The bat costs 1 dollar more than the ball How much does the ball cost?

          theory of judgment basedon 2 systems

          he used the bat and ball puzzle to study a centralquestion:

          How closely does System 2 monitor the suggestions of System?

          • His reasoning was that we know a significant fact about any1 whosays that the ball costs ¢: that person did not actively check whether theanswer was correct and her System 2 endorsed an intuitive answer that itcould have rejected with a small investment of effort

            the people who give the intuitive answer have missed an obvioussocial cue; they should have wondered why any1 would include in aquestionnaire a puzzle with such an obvious answer

          A failure to check isremarkable because the cost of checking is so low: a few seconds ofmental work (the problem is moderately difficult) with slightly tensedmuscles and dilated pupils could avoid an embarrassing mistake

          Peoplewho say ¢ appear to be ardent followers of the law of least effort

          Peoplewho avoid that answer appear to have more active minds

          Many thousands of university students have answered the bat and ballpuzzle and the results are shocking More than % of students atHarvard MIT and Princeton ton gave the intuitive—incorrect—answer Atless selective universities the rate of demonstrable failure to check was inexcess of % The bat and ball problem is our first encounter with anobservation that will be a recurrent theme of this book

          many people areoverconfident pr1 to place too much faith in their intuitions

          Theyapparently find cognitive effort at least mildly unpleasant and avoid it asmuch as possible

          logical argument

          logical argument—2 premises and a conclusion

          Does the conclusion follow from the premises?

          All roses are flowers Some flowers fade quickly Therefore some roses fade quickly

          The bat and ball problem the flowers syllogism and theMichigan Detroit problem have something in common

          Failing theseminitests appears to be at least to some extent a matter of insufficientmotivation not trying hard enough

    • Chapter 04 The Associative Machine
      • To begin your exploration of the surprising workings of System 1 look atthe following words:

        Bananas Vomit

        A lot happened to you during the last second or 2 You experiencedsome unpleasant images and memories Your face twisted slightly in anexpression of disgust and you may have pushed this book imperceptiblyfarther away Your heart rate increased the hair on your arms rose a little and your sweat glands were activated In short you responded to thedisgusting word with an attenuated version of how you would react to theactual event All of this was completely automatic beyond your control

        There was no particular reason to do so but your mind automaticallyassumed a temporal sequence and a causal connection between thewords bananas and vomit forming a sketchy scenario in which bananascaused the sickness As a result you are experiencing a temporaryaversion to bananas (don’t worry it will pass)

        The state of your memoryhas changed in other ways: you are now unusually ready to recognize andrespond to objects and concepts associated with “vomit ” such as sick stink or nausea and words associated with “bananas ” such as yellow andfruit and perhaps apple and berries

        associative activation

        • The events that took place as a result of yourseeing the words happened by a process called associative activation

          This complex constellation of responses occurred quickly automatically and effortlessly You did not will it and you could not stop it It was anoperation of System 1

        associatively coherent

        • All thishappens quickly and all at once yielding a self reinforcing pattern ofcognitive emotional and physical responses that is both diverse andintegrated—it has been called associatively coherent

          An odd feature of what happened is that your System 1 treated the mereconjunction of 2 words as representations of reality Your body reacted inan attenuated replica of a reaction to the real thing and the emotionalresponse and physical recoil were part of the interpretation of the event

          Ascognitive scientists have emphasized in recent years cognition isembodied; you think with your body not only with your brain

        association of ideas

        • The mechanism that causes these mental events has been known for along time

        David Hume reduced the principles of association tothree

        associative memory

        • Psychologists think of ideas as nodes ina vast ne2rk called associative memory in which each idea is linked tomany others

          contiguity in time and place

          causality

          resemblance

        types of links

        • causes are linked to theireffects
          • (virus cold)
        • things to their properties
          • (lime green)
        • things tothe categories to which they belong
          • (banana fruit)

        Furthermore only a few of theactivated ideas will register in consciousness; most of the work ofassociative thinking is silent hidden from our conscious selves

        The notionthat we have limited access to the workings of our minds is difficult toaccept because naturally it is alien to our experience but it is true: youknow far less about yourself than you feel you do

        The Marvels of Priming

        • As is common in science the first big breakthrough in our understanding ofthe mechanism of association was an improvement in a method ofmeasurement Until a few decades ago the only way to study associationswas to ask many people questions such as

          “What is the first word thatcomes to your mind when you hear the word DAY?”

          The researchers talliedthe frequency of responses such as “night ” “sunny ” or “long ” In the s psychologists discovered that exposure to a word causes immediate andmeasurable changes in the ease with which many related words can beevoked If you have recently seen or heard the word EAT you aretemporarily more likely to complete the word fragment SO_P as SOUPthan as SOAP The opposite would happen of course if you had just seenWASH We call this a priming effect and say that the idea of EAT primesthe idea of SOUP and that WASH primes SOAP

          Priming effects take many forms If the idea of EAT is currently on yourmind (whether or not you are conscious of it) you will be quicker than usualto recognize the word SOUP when it is spoken in a whisper or presentedin a blurry font

          priming is not restricted to concepts and words

          • You cannotknow this from conscious experience of course but you must accept thealien idea that your actions and your emotions can be primed by events ofwhich you are not even aware

            In an experiment that became an instantclassic the psychologist John Bargh and his collaborators asked studentsat New York University—most aged eighteen to twenty 2—to assemblefour word sentences from a set of five words (for example “finds he ityellow instantly”)

            For 1 group of students half the scrambled sentencescontained words associated with the elderly such as Florida forgetful bald gray or wrinkle When they had completed that task the youngparticipants were sent out to do another experiment in an office down thehall That short walk was what the experiment was about The researchersunobtrusively measured the time it took people to get from 1 end of thecorridor to the other As Bargh had predicted the young people who hadfashi1d a sentence from words with an elderly theme walked down thehallway significantly more slowly than the others

          “Florida effect”

          The “Florida effect” involves 2 stages of priming

          • First the set ofwords primes thoughts of old age though the word old is never menti1d
          • second these thoughts prime a behavior walking slowly which isassociated with old age

          ideomotor effect

          • The idea of old age had not come to their consciousawareness but their actions had changed nevertheless This remarkablepriming phenomenon—the influencing of an action by the idea—is knownas the ideomotor effect

          The ideomotor link also works in reverse

          • The ideomotor link also works in reverse A study conducted in aGerman university was the mirror image of the early experiment that Barghand his colleagues had carried out in New York Students were asked towalk around a room for minutes at a rate of steps per minute whichwas about 1 third their normal pace After this brief experience theparticipants were much quicker to recognize words related to old age such as forgetful old and l1ly

          Reciprocal priming

          • Reciprocal priming effects tend toproduce a coherent reaction: if you were primed to think of old age youwould tend to act old and acting old would reinforce the thought of old age

          Reciprocal links

          • Reciprocal links are common in the associative ne2rk For example being amused tends to make you smile and smiling tends to make youfeel amused

          Primes That Guide Us

          • Studies of priming effects have yielded discoveries that threaten our selfimageas conscious and autonomous authors of our judgments and ourchoices

            For instance most of us think of voting as a deliberate act thatreflects our values and our assessments of policies and is not influencedby irrelevancies

            Our vote should not be affected by the location of thepolling station for example but it is A study of voting patterns in precinctsof Arizona in showed that the support for propositions to increase thefunding of schools was significantly greater when the polling station was ina school than when it was in a nearby location

          M1y primed people

          • Reminders of m1y produce some troubling effects Participants in 1experiment were shown a list of five words from which they were requiredto construct a four word phrase that had a m1y theme (“high a salarydesk paying” became “a high paying salary”)

            M1y primed people become more independent than they would bewithout the associative trigger

            They persevered almost twice as long intrying to solve a very difficult problem before they asked the experimenterfor help a crisp demonstration of increased self reliance

            M1y primedpeople are also more selfish: they were much less willing to spend timehelping another student who pretended to be confused about anexperimental task

            When an experimenter clumsily dropped a bunch ofpencils on the floor the participants with m1y (unconsciously) on theirmind picked up fewer pencils

            In another experiment in the series participants were told that they would shortly have a get acquaintedconversation with another person and were asked to set up 2 chairswhile the experimenter left to retrieve that person

            Participants primed bym1y chose in the exto stay much farther apart than their nonprimedpeers ( vs centimeters)

            M1y primed undergraduates alsoshowed a greater preference for being al1

            general theme of these findings is that the idea of m1y primesindividualism: a reluctance to be involved with others to depend on others or to accept demands from others

          authoritarian ideas

          • The evidence of priming studies suggests that reminding people of theirmortality increases the appeal of authoritarian ideas which may becomereassuring in the context of the terror of death

          “LadyMacbeth effect ”

          • People who were recently asked to think ofan action of which they are ashamed are more likely to complete thosefragments as WASH and SOAP and less likely to see WISH and SOUP Furthermore merely thinking about stabbing a coworker in the back leavespeople more inclined to buy soap disinfectant or detergent than batteries juice or candy bars Feeling that 1’s soul is stained appears to trigger adesire to cleanse 1’s body an impulse that has been dubbed the “LadyMacbeth effect ”

          Speaking of Priming

          “The sight of all these people in uniforms does not primecreativity ”

          “The world makes much less sense than you think Thecoherence comes mostly from the way your mind works

          “They were primed to find flaws and this is exactly what theyfound ”

          “His System 1 constructed a story and his System 2 believed it Ithappens to allel

          “I made myself smile and I’m actually feeling better!”

    • Chapter 05 Cognitive Ease
      • Whenever you are conscious and perhaps even when you are not multiplecomputations are going on in your brain which maintain and updatecurrent answers to some key questions: Is anything new going on? Is therea threat? Are things going well? Should my attention be redirected? Ismore effort needed for this task? You can think of a cockpit with a set ofdials that indicate the current values of each of these essential variables The assessments are carried out automatically by System 1 and 1 oftheir functions is to determine whether extra effort is required from System

        measures cognitive ease

        • range is between“Easy” and “Strained ”

          Easy is a sign that things are going well—nothreats no major news no need to redirect attention or mobilize effort

          Strained indicates that a problem exists which will require increasedmobilization of System 2

        cognitive strain

        • Cognitive strain is affected by both the current level of effort and thepresence of unmet demands The surprise is that a single dial of cognitiveease is connected to a large ne2rk of diverse inputs and outputs

        Illusions of Remembering

        • The word illusion brings visual illusions to mind because we are allfamiliar with pictures that mislead But vision is not the only domain ofillusions; memory is also susceptible to them as is thinking moregenerally

          “The experience of familiarity has asimple but powerful quality of ‘pastness’ that seems to indicate that it is adirect reflection of prior experience ”

          This quality of pastness is an illusion

        Illusions of Truth

        • A reliable way to make people believe in falsehoods isfrequent repetition because familiarity is not easily distinguished fromtruth

        How to Write a Persuasive Message

        • The general principle is that anything you can do to reduce cognitivestrain will help so you should first maximize legibility

          if your message is to beprinted use high quality paper to maximize the contrast betweencharacters and their background

          If you use color you are more likely to bebelieved if your text is printed in bright blue or red than in middling shadesof green yellow or pale blue

          If you care about being thought credible and intelligent do not usecomplex language where simpler language will do

          if you quote a source choose 1 with a name that is easy topronounce

        Strain and Effort

        • The symmetry of many associative connections was a dominant theme inthe discussion of associative coherence

          As we saw earlier people whoare made to “smile” or “frown” by sticking a pencil in their mouth or holdinga ball between their furrowed brows are pr1 to experience the emotionsthat frowning and smiling normally express

          The same self reinforcingreciprocity is found in studies of cognitive ease On the 1 hand cognitivestrain is experienced when the effortful operations of System 2 areengaged

          On the other hand the experience of cognitive strain whateverits source tends to mobilize System 2 shifting people’s approach toproblems from a casual intuitive mode to a more engaged and analyticmode

          The experimenters recruited Princeton students to take the CRT Half of them saw the puzzles in a small font in washed out gray print Thepuzzles were legible but the font induced cognitive strain

          The results tell aclear story: % of the students who saw the CRT in normal font made atleast 1 mistake in the test but the proportion dropped to % when thefont was barely legible

          performance was betterwith the bad font

          Cognitive strain whatever its source mobilizes System which is more likely to reject the intuitive answer suggested by System

        The Pleasure of Cognitive Ease

        Ease Mood and Intuition

        Remote Association Test (RAT)

        • For an easy example consider the following three words:cottage Swiss cakeCan you think of a word that is associated with all three? You probablyworked out that the answer is cheese Now try this:dive light rocket

          Can people feel that a triadof words has a solution before they know what the solution is?

          How doesmood influence performance in this task?

          The first surprise is that people’s guesses are much more accurate thanthey would be by chance I find this astonishing A sense of cognitive easeis apparently generated by a very faint signal from the associativemachine which “knows” that the three words are coherent (share anassociation) long before the association is retrieved The role of cognitiveease in the judgment was confirmed experimentally by another Germanteam: manipulations that increase cognitive ease (priming a clear font pre exposing words) all increase the tendency to see the words as linked

          Another remarkable discovery is the powerful effect of mood on thisintuitive performance

          Another remarkable discovery is the powerful effect of mood on thisintuitive performance The experimentershape tende computed an“intuition index” to measure accuracy They found that putting theparticipants in a good mood before the test by having them think happythoughts more than doubled accuracy

          An even more striking result is thatunhappy subjects were completely incapable of performing the intuitivetask accurately; their guesses were no better than random Mood evidentlyaffects the operation of System 1: when we are uncomfortable andunhappy we lose touch with our intuition

          These findings add to the growing evidence that good mood intuition creativity gullibility and increased reliance on System 1 form a cluster

          Atthe other pole sadness vigilance suspicion an analytic approach andincreased effort also go together

          A happy mood loosens the control ofSystem 2 over performance: when in a good mood people become moreintuitive and more creative but also less vigilant and more pr1 to logicalerrors

          mere exposure effect the connection makesbiological sense

          A good mood is a signal that things are generally goingwell the environment is safe and it is all right to let 1’s guard down

          Abad mood indicates that things are not going very well there may be athreat and vigilance is required

          Cognitive ease is both a cause and aconsequence of a pleasant feeling

        Triads

        • cottage Swiss cake
        • dive light rocket
        • sleep mail switch
        • salt deep foam

        Speaking of Cognitive Ease

        • “Let’s not dismiss their business plan just because the fontmakes it hard to read ”

          “We must be inclined to believe it because it has been repeatedso often but let’s think it through again ”

          “Familiarity breeds liking This is a mere exposure effect ”

          “I’m in a very good mood today and my System 2 is weaker thanusual I should be extra careful ”

    • Chapter 06 Norms Surprises and Causes
      • The central characteristics and functions of System 1 and System 2 havenow been introduced with a more detailed treatment of System 1

        Freelymixing metaphors we have in our head a remarkably powerful computer not fast by conventional hardware standards but able to represent thestructure of our world by various types of associative links in a vast ne2rkof various types of ideas The spreading of activation in the associativemachine is automatic but we (System 2) have some ability to control thesearch of memory and also to program it so that the detection of an eventin the environment can attract attention

        Assessing Normality

        The main function of System 1 is to maintain and update a model of yourpersonal world which represents what is normal in it

        The model isconstructed by associations that link ideas of circumstances events actions and outcomes that co occur with some regularity either at thesame time or within a relatively short interval

        A capacity for surprise is an essential aspect of our mental life andsurprise itself is the most sensitive indication of how we understand ourworld and what we expect from it

        2 main varieties of surprise

        • Active Surprise Some expectations are active and conscious—you know you are waitingfor a particular event to happen
          • When the hour is near you may beexpecting the sound of the door as your child returns from school; when thedoor s you expect the sound of a familiar voice You will be surprisedif an actively expected event does not occur

          Passive Surprise there is a much larger category of events that you expect passively;

          • you don’t wait for them butyou are not surprised when they happen

        “norm theory ”

        • “How many animals of each kind did Moses take into the ark?”

          Thenumber of people who detect what is wrong with this question is so smallthat it has been dubbed the “Moses illusion ” Moses took no animals intothe ark; Noah did Like the incident of the wincing soup eater the Mosesillusion is readily explained by norm theory The idea of animals going intothe ark sets up a biblical context and Moses is not abnormal in thatcontext You did not positively expect him but the mention of his name isnot surprising It also helps that Moses and Noah have the same vowelsound and number of syllables As with the triads that produce cognitiveease you unconsciously detect associative coherence between “Moses”and “ark” and so quickly accept the question Replace Moses with GeorgeW Bush in this sentence and you will have a poor political joke but noillusion

          When something cement does not fit into the current context of activatedideas the system detects an abnormality

        rules of associativecoherence

        • After spending a day exploring beautiful sights in the crowdedstreets of New York Jane discovered that her wallet was missing

          When people who had read this brief story (along with many others) weregiven a surprise recall test the word pickpocket was more stronglyassociated with the story than the word sights even though the latter wasactually in the sentence while the former was not

        Statistical thinking

        • Statistical thinking derivesconclusions about individual cases from properties of categories andensembles

          Unfortunately System 1 does not have the capability for thismode of reasoning;

          System 2 can learn to think statistically but few peoplereceive the necessary training

        Speaking of Norms and Causes

        • “When the second applicant also turned out to be an old friend ofmine I wasn’t quite as surprised Very little repetition is neededfor a new experience to feel normal!”

          “When we survey the reaction to these products let’s make surewe don’t focus exclusively on the average We should considerthe entire range of normal reactions ”

          “She can’t accept that she was just unlucky; she needs a causalstory She will end up thinking that some1 intentionallysabotaged her work

    • Chapter 07 A Machine for Jumping to Conclusions
      • The great comedian Danny Kaye had a line that has stayed with me sincemy adolescence Speaking of a woman he dislikes he says “Her favoriteposition is beside herself and her favorite sport is jumping to conclusions ”

        Jumping toconclusions

        • Jumping toconclusions is efficient if the conclusions are likely to be correct and thecosts of an occasional mistake acceptable and if the jump saves muchtime and effort

          Jumping to conclusions is risky when the situation isunfamiliar the stakes are high and there is no time to collect moreinformation

          These are the circumstances in which intuitive errors areprobable which may be prevented by a deliberate intervention of System

        A Bias to Believe and Confirm

        • understanding a statement must begin with an attempt to believe it:you must first know what the idea would mean if it were true Only then canyou decide whether or not to unbelieve it

        Exaggerated Emotional Coherence (Halo Effect)

        haloeffect

        • The tendency to like (or dislike) everything about aperson—including things you have not observed—is known as the haloeffect

          The term has been in use in psychology for a century but it has notcome into wide use in everyday language This is a pity because the haloeffect is a good name for a common bias that plays a large role in shapingour view of people and situations It is 1 of the ways the representationof the world that System 1 generates is simpler and more coherent thanthe real thing

          Alan: intelligent—industrious—impulsive—critical—stubborn—envious

          Ben: envious—stubborn—critical—impulsive—industrious—intelligent

          If you are like most of us you viewed Alan much more favorably than Ben The initial traits in the list change the very meaning of the traits that appearlater The stubbornness of an intelligent person is seen as likely to bejustified and may actually evoke respect but intelligence in an envious andstubborn person makes him more dangerous

          The halo effect is also anexample of suppressed ambiguity: like the word bank the adjectivestubborn is ambiguous and will be interpreted in a way that makes itcoherent with the context

          The sequence in which we observe characteristics of a person is oftendetermined by chance Sequence matters however because the haloeffect increases the weight of first impressions sometimes to the point thatsubsequent information is mostly wasted

        What You See is All There is (Wysiati)

        • It is the consistency of theinformation that matters for a good story not its completeness Indeed youwill often find that knowing little makes it easier to fit everything you knowinto a coherent pattern

          WY SIATI facilitates the achievement of coherence and of the cognitiveease that causes us to accept a statement as true It explains why we canthink fast and how we are able to make sense of partial information in acomplex world

        list of biases ofjudgment and choice

        Overconfidence

        As the WY SIATI rule implies neither the quantitynor the quality of the evidence counts for much in subjectiveconfidence The confidence that individuals have in their beliefsdepends mostly on the quality of the story they can tell about whatthey see even if they see little We often fail to allow for thepossibility that evidence that should be critical to our judgment ismissing—what we see is all there is Furthermore our associativesystem tends to settle on a coherent pattern of activation andsuppresses doubt and ambiguity

        Framing effects

        • Different ways of presenting the same informationoften evoke different emotions The statement that “the odds ofsurvival 1 month after surgery are %” is more reassuring thanthe equivalent statement that “mortality within 1 month of surgery is % ”

          Theequivalence of the alternative formulations is transparent but anindividual normally sees only 1 formulation and what she sees isall there is

          Base rate neglect

          Recall Steve the meek and tidy soul who is oftenbelieved to be a librarian The personality description is salient andvivid and although you surely know that there are more male farmer

        Base rers than male librarians

        Speaking of Jumping to Conclusions

        • “She knows nothing about this person’s management skills Allshe is going by is the halo effect from a good presentation

          “Let’s decorrelate errors by obtaining separate judgments on theissue before any discussion We will get more information fromindependent assessments ”

          “They made that big decision on the basis of a good report from1 consultant WYSIATI—what you see is all there is They didnot seem to realize how little information they had ”

          “They didn’t want more information that might spoil their story WYSIATI ”

    • Chapter 08 How Judgments Happen
      • There is no limit to the number of questions you can answer whether theyare questions some1 else asks or questions you ask yourself Nor isthere a limit to the number of attributes you can evaluate You are capableof counting the number of capital letters on this page comparing the heightof the windows of your house to the 1 across the street and assessingthe political prospects of your senator on a scale from excellent todisastrous

        The questions are addressed to System 2 which will directattention and search memory to find the answers System 2 receivesquestions or generates them: in either case it directs attention andsearches memory to find the answers System 1 operates differently Itcontinuously monitors what is going on outside and inside the mind andcontinuously generates assessments of various aspects of the situationwithout specific intention and with little or no effort

        Basic Assessments

        • System 1 has been shaped by evolution to provide a continuousassessment of the main problems that an organism must solve to survive

          How are things going?

          Is there a threat or a major opportunity?

          Iseverything normal?

          Should I approach or avoid?

          we have inherited the neuralmechanisms that evolved to provide ongoing assessments of threat level and they have not been turned off

          Situations are constantly evaluated asgood or bad requiring escape or permitting approach

          Good mood andcognitive ease are the human equivalents of assessments of safety andfamiliarity

        biological roots of the rapid judgments of how safe it is to interact with astranger

        He showed that we are endowed with an ability to evaluate in asingle glance at a stranger’s face 2 potentially crucial facts about thatperson:

        • how dominant (and therefore potentially threatening) he is
        • how trus2rthy he is whether his intentions are more likely to be friendly orhostile

        people judge competence by combining the 2dimensions of strength and trus2rthiness

        Intensity Matching

        The Mental Shotgun

        • System 1 carries out many computations at any 1 time Some of theseare routine assessments that go on continuously Whenever your eyes are your brain computes a three dimensional representation of what is inyour field of vision complete with the shape of objects their position inspace and their identity

        Speaking of Judgment

        • “Evaluating people as attractive or not is a basic assessment You do that automatically whether or not you want to and itinfluences you ”

          “There are circuits in the brain that evaluate dominance from theshape of the face He looks the part for a leadership role ”

          “The punishment won’t feel just unless its intensity matches thecrime Just like you can match the loudness of a sound to thebrightness of a light ”

          “This was a clear instance of a mental shotgun He was askedwhether he thought the company was financially sound but hecouldn’t forget that he likes their product

    • Chapter 09 Answering an Easier Question
      • A remarkable aspect of your mental life is that you are rarely stumped True you occasionally face a question such as × = ? to which noanswer comes immediately to mind but these dumbfounded moments arerare The normal state of your mind is that you have intuitive feelings andopinions about almost everything that comes your way You like or dislikepeople long before you know much about them; you trust or distruststrangers without knowing why; you feel that an enterprise is bound tosucceed without analyzing it Whether you state them or not you often haveanswers to questions that you do not completely understand relying 1vidence that you can neither explain nor defend

        Substituting Questions

        • Questions Substitution
          • The target question is the assessment you intend to produce
          • The heuristic question is the simpler question that you answer instead

        heuristic

        • The technical definition of heuristic is a simple procedure that helps findadequate though often imperfect answers to difficult questions The wordcomes from the same root as eureka
          • The idea of substitution came up early in my work with Amos and it wasthe core of what became the heuristics and biases approach We askedourselves how people manage to make judgments of probability withoutknowing precisely what probability is

            We concluded that people mustsomehow simplify that impossible task and we set out to find how they doit Our answer was that when called upon to judge probability peopleactually judge something else and believe they have judged probability

            System 1 often makes this move when faced with difficult target questions if the answer to a related and easier heuristic question comes readily tomind

        How to Solve It

        • “If you can’t solve a problem then there is an easierproblem you can solve: find it ”

        Difficult questions and before you can produce a reas1d answer toany of them you must deal with other difficult issues

        • What is the meaningof happiness?
        • What are the likely political developments in the next sixmonths?
        • What are the standard sentences for other financial crimes?
        • Howstrong is the competition that the candidate faces?
        • What otherenvironmental or other causes should be considered?

        Dealing with thesequestions seriously is completely impractical But you are not limited toperfectly reas1d answers to questions

        There is a heuristic alternative tocareful reasoning which sometimes works fairly well and sometimes leadsto serious errors

        Target Question Heuristic Question

        • T How much would you contribute tosave an endangered species?
        • H How much emotion do I feel whenI think of dying dolphins?
        • T How happy are you with your lifethese days?
        • H What is my mood right now?
        • T How popular is the president rightnow?
        • H How popular will the president besix months from now?
        • T How should financial advisers whoprey on the elderly be punished?
        • H How much anger do I feel when Ithink of financial predators?
        • T This woman is running for the primary How far will she go in politics?
        • H Does this woman look like apolitical winner?

        mental shotgun

        • The mental shotgun makes it easy to generate quick answers to difficultquestions without imposing much hard work on your lazy System 2

          The automatic processes of the mental shotgun and intensity matchingoften make available 1 or more answers to easy questions that could bemapped onto the target question

        The D Heuristic

        • process of substitution
          • In the D interpretation the person on theright is both much farther away and much larger than the person on the left For most of us this impression of D size is overwhelming Only visualartists and experienced photographers have developed the skill of seeingthe drawing as an object on the page For the rest of us substitutionoccurs: the dominant impression of D size dictates the judgment of Dsize The illusion is due to a D heuristic

          The essential step in the heuristic—the substitution of three dimensionalfor 2 dimensional size—occurred automatically The picture containscues that suggest a D interpretation These cues are irrelevant to thetask at hand—the judgment of size of the figure on the page—and youshould have ignored them but you could not

          The bias associated with theheuristic is that objects that appear to be more distant also appear to belarger on the page As this example illustrates a judgment that is based onsubstitution will inevitably be biased in predictable ways In this case ithappens so deep in the perceptual system that you simply cannot help it

        The Mood Heuristic for Happiness

        • How happy are you these days? How many dates did you have last month?
          • The experimenters were interestedin the correlation between the 2 answers Would the students whoreported many dates say that they were happier than those with fewerdates?

            Surprisingly no: the correlation between the answers was aboutzero Evidently dating was not what came first to the students’ minds whenthey were asked to assess their happiness

        • How many dates did you have last month?How happy are you these days?
          • The results this time were completely different In this sequence thecorrelation between the number of dates and reported happiness wasabout as high as correlations between psychological measures can get

            The explanation is straightforward and it is a good example ofsubstitution Dating was apparently not the center of these students’ life (inthe first survey happiness and dating were uncorrelated) but when theywere asked to think about their romantic life they certainly had anemotional reaction

            The students who had many dates were reminded of ahappy aspect of their life while those who had n1 were reminded ofl1liness and rejection

            The emotion aroused by the dating question wasstill on every1’s mind when the query about general happiness came up

        The Affect Heuristic

        affect heuristic

        • affect heuristic in which people let their likes and dislikes determine theirbeliefs about the world Your political preference determines thearguments that you find compelling

          If you like the current health policy youbelieve its benefits are substantial and its costs more manageable thanthe costs of alternatives

        The dominance of conclusions over arguments is most pronounced whereemotions are involved

        hawk dove

        • If you are a hawk in your attitude toward othernations you probablthe?” %y think they are relatively weak and likely tosubmit to your country’s will If you are a dove you probably think they arestrong and will not be easily coerced

        The primacy of conclusions does not mean that your mind is completely and that your opinions are wholly immune to information andsensible reasoning Your beliefs and even your emotional attitude maychange (at least a little) when you learn that the risk of an activity youdisliked is smaller than you thought However the information about lowerrisks will also change your view of the benefits (for the better) even ifnothing was said about benefits in the information you received

        Characteristics of System 2

        • it as a more or less acquiescent monitor whichallows considerable leeway to System 1

          System 2as active in deliberate memory search complex computations comparisons planning and choice

          System 2 is ultimately in charge with the ability to resist thesuggestions of System 1

          System slow things down and impose logical analysis

          Self criticism is 1 of the functions of System 2

          In the context of attitudes however System 2 is more of an apologist for the emotions of System 1than a critic of those emotions—an endorser rather than an enforcer

          An active coherence seeking System 1 suggests solutions to anundemanding System 2

          Speaking of Substitution and Heuristics

          “Do we still remember the question we are trying to answer? Orhave we substituted an easier 1?”

          “The question we face is whether this candidate can succeed The question we seem to answer is whether she interviews well Let’s not substitute ”

          “He likes the project so he thinks its costs are low and itsbenefits are high Nice example of the affect heuristic ”

          “We are using last year’s performance as a heuristic to predictthe value of the firm several years from now Is this heuristic goodenough? What other information do we need?”

        Characteristics of System 1

        • generates impressions feelings and inclinations; when endorsed bySystem 2 these become beliefs attitudes and intentions

          operates automatically and quickly with little or no effort and nosense of voluntary control

          can be programmed by System 2 to mobilize attention when aparticular pattern is detected (searc

          executes skilled responses and generates skilled intuitions afteradequate training

          creates a coherent pattern of activated ideas in associative memory

          links a sense of cognitive ease to illusions of truth pleasant feelings and reduced vigilance

          distinguishes the surprising from the normal

          infers and invents causes and intentions

          neglects ambiguity and suppresses doubt

          is biased to believe and confirm

          exaggerates emotional consistency (halo effect)

          focuses on existing evidence and ignores absent evidence(WYSIATI)

          generates a limited set of basic assessments

          represents sets by norms and prototypes does not integrate

          matches intensities across scales (e g size to loudness)

          computes more than intended (mental shotgun)

          sometimes substitutes an easier question for a difficult 1(heuristics)

          is more sensitive to changes than to states (prospect theory)*

          overweights low probabilities

          shows diminishing sensitivity to quantity (psychophysics

          responds more strongly to losses than to gains (loss aversion)*

          frames decision problems narrowly in isolation from 1 another

  • Part II Heuristics and Biases
    • Chapter 10 The Law of Small Numbers
      • people who have had no training in statistics are good“intuitive statisticians ”

        A Bias of Confidence Over Doubt

        • In a teleph1 poll of seniors % support the president
        • If you had to summarize the message of this sentence in exactly threewords what would they be?
        • “elderlysupport president ”

        Cause and Chance

        Nowconsider three possible sequences:

        • BBBGGG
        • GGGGGG
        • BGBBGB

        Are the sequences equally likely? The intuitive answer—“of course not!”—is false Because the events are independent and because the outcomesB and G are (approximately) equally likely then any possible sequence ofsix births is as likely as any other Even now that you know this conclusionis true it remains counterintuitive because only the third sequenceappears random

        Random processes produce many sequencesthat convince people that the process is not random after all You can seewhy assuming causality could have had evolutionary advantages

        It is partof the general vigilance that we have inherited from ancestors We areautomatically on the lookout for the possibility that the environment haschanged

        Lions may appear on the plain at random times but it would besafer to notice and respond to an apparent increase in the rate ofappearance of prides of lions even if it is actually due to the fluctuations ofa random process

        The widespread misunderstanding of randomness sometimes hassignificant consequences In our article on representativeness Amos and Icited the statistician William Feller who illustrated the ease with whichpeople see patterns where n1 exists

        My advice wasthat the command should accept that the different outcomes were due toblind luck and that the interviewing of the pilots should stop I reas1dthat luck was the most likely answer that a random search for anonobvious cause was hopeless and that in the meantime the pilots in thesquadron that had sustained losses did not need the extra burden of beingmade to feel that they and their dead friends were at fault

        study of misperceptions of randomness in basketball

        The “fact” that players occasionally acquire a hot hand isgenerally accepted by players coaches and fans The inference isirresistible: a player sinks three or four baskets in a row and you cannothelp forming the causal judgment that this player is now hot with atemporarily increased pr sity to score Players on both teams adapt tothis judgment—teammates are more likely to pass to the hot scorer andthe defense is more likely to doubleteam Analysis of thousands ofsequences of shots led to a disappointing conclusion: there is no suchthing as a hot hand in professional basketball either in shooting from thefield or scoring from the foul line Of course some players are moreaccurate than others but the sequence of successes and missed shotssatisfies all tests of randomness The hot hand is entirely in the eye of thebeholders who are consistently too quick to perceive order and causalityin randomness The hot hand is a massive and widespread cognitiveillusion

        The illusion of pattern affects our lives in many ways off the basketballcourt

        How many good years should you wait before concluding that aninvestment adviser is unusually skilled?

        How many successful acquisitionsshould be needed for a board of directors to believe that the CEO hasextraordinary flair for such deals?

        The simple answer to these questions isthat if you follow your intuition you will more often than not err bymisclassifying a random event as systematic

        We are far too willing toreject the belief that much of what we see in life is random

        Many researchers havesought the secret of successful education by identifying the mostsuccessful schools in the hope of discovering what distinguishes themfrom others

        1 of the conclusions of this research is that the mostsuccessful schools on average are small

        Unfortunately the causal analysis is pointless because the factsare wrong

        If the statisticians who reported to the Gates Foundation hadasked about the characteristics of the worst schools they would havefound that bad schools also tend to be smaller than average

        The truth isthat small schools are not better on average; they are simply morevariable

        If anything say Wainer and Zwerling large schools tend toproduce better results especially in higher grades where a variety ofcurricular options is valuable

        the law of small numbers ispart of 2 larger stories about the workings of the mind

        • The exaggerated faith in small samples is only 1 example of amore general illusion—we pay more attention to the content ofmessages than to information about their reliability and as a resultend up with a view of the world around us that is simpler and morecoherent than the data justify Jumping to conclusions is a safer sportin the world of our imagination than it is in reality

          Statistics produce many observations that appear to beg for causalexplanations but do not lend themselves to such explanations Manyfacts of the world are due to chance including accidents of sampling Causal explanations of chance events are inevitably wrong

        Speaking of the Law of Small Numbers

        • “Yes the studio has had three successful films since the newCEO took over But it is too early to declare he has a hot hand ”

          “I won’t believe that the new trader is a genius before consulting astatistician who could estimate the likelihood of his streak beinga chance event ”

          “The sample of observations is too small to make any inferences Let’s not follow the law of small numbers ”

          “I plan to keep the results of the experiment secret until we have asufficiently large sample Otherwisort?xpere we will face pressureto reach a conclusion prematurely ”

    • Chapter 11 Anchors
      • Amos and I once rigged a wheel of fortune It was marked from to but we had it built so that it would stop only at or We recruitedstudents of the University of Oregon as participants in our experiment 1of us would stand in front of a small group spin the wheel and ask them towrite down the number on which the wheel stopped which of course waseither or We then asked them 2 questions:

        Is the percentage of African nations among UN members largeror smaller than the number you just wrote?

        What is your best guess of the percentage of African nations inthe UN?

        The spin of a wheel of fortune—even 1 that is not rigged—cannotpossibly yield useful information about anything and the participants in ourexperiment should simply have ignored it But they did not ignore it Theaverage estimates of those who saw and were % and % respectively

        The phenomenon we were studying is so common and so important inthe everyday world that you should know its name: it is an anchoring effect

        anchoring effect

        • It occurs when people consider a particular value for an unknown quantitybefore estimating that quantity What happens is 1 of the most reliableand robust results of experimental psychology: the estimates stay close tothe number that people considered—hence the image of an anchor If youare asked whether Gandhi was more than years old when he died youwill end up with a much higher estimate of his age at death than you wouldif the anchoring question referred to death at

          If you consider how muchyou should pay for a house you will be influenced by the asking price

          Thesame house will appear more valuable if its listing price is high than if it islow even if you are determined to resist the influence of this number; andso on—the list of anchoring effects is endless Any number that you areasked to consider as a possible solution to an estimation problem willinduce an anchoring effect

          We were not the first to observe the effects of anchors but ourexperiment was the first demonstration of its absurdity:

          people’s judgmentswere influenced by an obviously uninformative number

          There was only 1 trouble: Amos and I did not fully agree on thepsychology of the anchoring effect He supported 1 interpretation I likedanother and we never found a way to settle the argument The problemwas finally solved decades later by the efforts of numerous investigators Itis now clear that Amos and I were both right 2 different mechanismsproduce anchoring effects—1 for each system There is a form ofanchoring that occurs in a deliberate process of adjustment an operationof System 2 And there is anchoring that occurs by a priming effect anautomatic manifestation of System 1

        Anchoring as Adjustment

        • adjust and anchor heuristic

          Amos liked the idea of an adjust and anchor heuristic as a strategy forestimating uncertain quantities:

          start from an anchoring number assesswhether it is too high or too low and gradually adjust your estimate bymentally “moving” from the anchor

          To get the idea take a sheet of paper and draw a ½ inch line going up starting at the bottom of the page—without a ruler Now take another sheet and start at the top and draw a line going down until it is ½ inches fromthe bottom Compare the lines

          There is a good chance that your firstestimate of ½ inches was shorter than the second The reason is that youdo not know exactly what such a line looks like; there is a range ofuncertainty You stop near the bottom of the region of uncertainty when youstart from the bottom of the page and near the top of the region when youstart from the top

          Insufficient adjustment neatly explains whyyou are likely to drive too fast when you come off the highway onto citystreets—especially if you are talking with some1 as you drive

          Insufficient adjustment is also a source of tension between exasperatedparents and teenagers who enjoy loud music in their room

          a “well intenti1d child who turns down exceptionally loudmusic to meet a parent’s demand that it be played at a ‘reasonable’volume may fail to adjust sufficiently from a high anchor and may feel thatgenuine attempts at compromise are being overlooked ”

          When did George Washington become president?

          What is the boiling temperature of water at the top of MountEverest?

          You have to adjust in the appropriate direction by findingarguments to move away from the anchor As in the case of the lines youare likely to stop when you are no longer sure you should go farther—at thenear edge of the region of uncertainty

          People adjust less (stay closer to theanchor) when their mental resources are depleted either because theirmemory is loaded with dighdth=igits or because they are slightly drunk Insufficient adjustment is a failure of a weak or lazy System 2

        Anchoring as Priming Effect

        When Amos and I debated anchoring I agreed that adjustment sometimesoccurs but I was uneasy Adjustment is a deliberate and consciousactivity but in most cases of anchoring there is no correspondingsubjective experience Consider these 2 questions

        Was Gandhi more or less than years old when he died?

        How old was Gandhi when he died?

        Did you produce your estimate by adjusting down from ? Probably not but the absurdly high number still affected your estimate My hunch was thatanchoring is a case of suggestion This is the word we use when some1causes us to see hear or feel something by merely bringing it to mind Forexample the question “Do you now feel a slight numbness in your left leg?”always prompts quite a few people to report that their left leg does indeedfeel a little strange

        suggestion

        This is the word we use when some1causes us to see hear or feel something by merely bringing it to mind

        the concept ofsuggestion is no longer obscure:

        suggestion is a priming effect whichselectively evokes compatible evidence You did not believe for a momentthat Gandhi lived for years

        but your associative machinery surelygenerated an impression of a very ancient person

        2 types of anchoring

        • research techniques
        • theoretical ideas

        System 1 triesits best to construct a world in which the anchor is the true number

        associative coherence

        The Anchoring Index

        • Many psychological phenomena can be demonstrated experimentally butfew can actually be measured The effect of anchors is an exception Anchoring can be measured and it is an impressively large effect Somevisitors at the San Francisco Exploratorium were asked the following 2questions:

          Is the height of the tallest redwood more or less than feet?

          What is your best guess about the height of the tallest redwood?

          The “high anchor” in this experiment was feet For other participants the first question referred to a “low anchor” of feet The differencebetween the 2 anchors was feet

          The anchoring effect is not a laboratory curiosity; it can be just as strongin the real world In an experiment conducted some years ago real estateagents were given an opportunity to assess the value of a house that wasactually on the market They visited the house and studied acomprehensive booklet of information that included an asking price Halfthe agents saw an asking price that was substantially higher than the listedprice of the house; the other half saw an asking price that was substantiallylower Each agent gave her opinion about a reasonable buying price forthe house and the lowest price at which she would agree to sell the houseif she owned it The agents were then asked about the factors that hadaffected their judgment Remarkably the asking price was not 1 of thesefactors; the agents took pride in their ability to ignore it They insisted thatthe listing price had no effect on their responses but they were wrong: theanchoring effect was % Indeed the professionals were almost assusceptible to anchoring effects as business school students with no realestateexperience whose anchoring index was % The only differencebetween the 2 groups was that the students conceded that they wereinfluenced by the anchor while the professionals denied that influence

          Powerful anchoring effects are found in decisions that people makeabout m1y such as when they choose how much to contribute al lsdenied to a cause To demonstrate this effect we told participants in theExploratorium study about the environmental damage caused by oiltankers in the Pacific Ocean and asked about their willingness to make anannual contribution “to save offshore Pacific Coast seabirds fromsmall offshore oil spills until ways are found to prevent spills or requiretanker owners to pay for the operation ” This question requires intensitymatching: the respondents are asked in effect to find the dollar amount ofa contribution that matches the intensity of their feelings about the plight ofthe seabirds Some of the visitors were first asked an anchoring question such as “Would you be willing to pay $ … ” before the point blankquestion of how much they would contribute

          When no anchor was menti1d the visitors at the Exploratorium—generally an environmentally sensitive crowd—said they were willing to pay$ on average When the anchoring amount was only $ contributionsaveraged $ When the anchor was a rather extravagant $ thewillingness to pay rose to an average of $

          Anchoring effects are easily observed in online trading where the sameitem is often offered at different “buy now” prices The “estimate” in fine artauctions is also an anchor that influences the first bid

          power of random anchors

          The power of random anchors has been demonstrated in someunsettling ways German judges with an average of more than fifteen yearsof experience on the bench first read a description of a woman who hadbeen caught shoplifting then rolled a pair of dice that were loaded soevery roll resulted in either a or a As soon as the dice came to a stop the judges were asked whether they would sentence the woman to a termin prison greater or lesser in months than the number showing on thedice Finally the judges were instructed to specify the exact prisonsentence they would give to the shoplifter On average those who hadrolled a said they would sentence her to months; those who rolled a saidthif Africa they would sentence her to months; the anchoring effectwas %

        Uses and Abuses of Anchors

        • By now you should be convinced that anchoring effects—sometimes dueto priming sometimes to insufficient adjustment—are everywhere Thepsychological mechanisms that produce anchoring make us far moresuggestible than most of us would want to be And of course there arequite a few people who are willing and able to exploit our gullibility

          Anchoring effects explain why for example arbitrary rationing is aneffective marketing ploy

          arbitrary rationing

          • A few years ago supermarket shoppers in SiouxCity Iowa encountered a sales promotion for Campbell’s soup at about % off the regular price On some days a sign on the shelf said limit of per person On other days the sign said no limit per person

            Shopperspurchased an average of cans when the limit was in force twice as manyas they bought when the limit was removed

            negotiation over the price of ahome

            We see the same strategy at work in the negotiation over the price of ahome when the seller makes the first move by setting the list price As inmany other games moving first is an advantage in single issuenegotiations—for example when price is the only issue to be settledbetween a buyer and a seller As you may have experienced whennegotiating for the first time in a bazaar the initial anchor has a powerfuleffect

            My advice to students when I taught negotiations was that if youthink the other side has made an outrageous proposal you should notcome back with an equally outrageous counteroffer creating a gap that willbe difficult to bridge in further negotiations Instead you should make ascene storm out or threaten to do so and make it clear—to yourself aswell as to the other side—that you will not continue the negotiation with thatnumber on the table

            proposedmore subtle ways to resist the anchoring effect in negotiations

            Theyinstructed negotiators to focus their attention and search their memory forarguments against the anchor

            The instruction to activate System 2 wassuccessful For example the anchoring effect is reduced or eliminatedwhen the second mover focuses his attention on the minimal offer that theopp1nt would accept or on the costs to the opp1nt of failing to reachan agreement

            Before you read this chapter you might havethought that capping awards is certainly good for potential defendants butnow you should not be so sure Consider the effect of capping awards at$ million This rule would eliminate all larger awards but the anchor wouldalso pull up the size of many awards that would otherwise be much smaller It would almost certainly benefit serious offenders and large firms muchmore than small 1s

          Anchoring and the 2 Systems

          • The effects of random anchors have much to tell us about the relationshipbetween System 1 and System 2 Anchoring effects have always beenstudied in tasks of judgment and choice that are ultimately completed bySystem 2

            However System 2 works on data that is retrieved frommemory in an automatic and involuntary operation of System 1

            System 2is therefore susceptible to the biasing influence of anchors that makesome information easier to retrieve

            Furthermore System 2 has no controlover the effect and no knowledge of it The participants who have beenexposed to random or absurd anchors (such as Gandhi’s death at age ) confidently deny that this obviously useless information could haveinfluenced their estimate and they are wrong

            We saw in the discussion of the law of small numbers that a message unless it is immediately rejected as a lie will have the same effect on theassociative system regardless of its reliability The gist of the message isthe story which is based on whatever information is available even if thequantity of the information is slight and its quality is poor

            WYSIATI Whenyou read a story about the heroic rescue of a wounded mountain climber its effect on your associative memory is much the same if it is a newsreport or the synopsis of a film Anchoring results from this associativeactivation Whether the story is true or believable matters little if at all The powerful effect of random anchors is an extreme case of thisphenomenon because a random anchor obviously provides no informationat all

            Earlier I discussed the bewildering variety of priming effects in whichyour thoughts and behavior may be influenced by stimuli to which you payno attention at all and even by stimuli of which you are completelyunaware

            The main moral of priming research is that our thoughts and ourbehavior are influenced much more than we know or want by theenvironment of the moment

            Many people find the priming resultsunbelievable because they do not correspond to subjective experience Many others find the results upsetting because they threaten the subjectivesense of agency and autonomy If the content of a screen saver on anirrelevant computer can affect your willingness to help strangers withoutyour being aware of it how free are you? Anchoring effects are threateningin a similar way

            You are always aware of the anchor and even payattention to it but you do not know how it guides and constrains yourthinking because you cannot imagine how you would have thought if theanchor had been different (or absent) However you should assume thatany number that is on the table has had an anchoring effect on you and ifthe stakes are high you should mobilize yourself (your System 2) to combatthe effect

          Speaking of Anchors

          • “The firm we want to acquire sent us their business plan with therevenue they expect We shouldn’t let that number influence ourthinking Set it aside ”

            “Plans are best case scenarios Let’s avoid anchoring on planswhen we forecast actual outcomes Thinking about ways the plancould go wrong is 1 way to do it ”

            “Our aim in the negotiation is to get them anchored on thisnumber ”

            “The defendant’s lawyers put in a frivolous reference in which theymenti1d a ridiculously low amount of damages and they gotthe judge anchored on it!”

    • Chapter 12 The Science of Availability
      • The Science of Availability

        availabilityheuristic

        • We thought of that heuristic when we asked ourselves whatpeople actually do when they wish to estimate the frequency of a category such as “people who divorce after the age of ” or “dangerous plants ”

          The answer was straightforward: instances of the class will be retrievedfrom memory and if retrieval is easy and fluent the category will be judgedto be large

          availability heuristic as the process of judgingfrequency by “the ease with which instances come to mind ”

        think of the number ofwords that can be constructed from the 2 sets of letters below

        • XUZONLCJM
        • TAPCERHOB

        You knew almost immediately without generating any instances that 1set offers far more possibilities than the other probably by a factor of ormore Similarly you do not need to retrieve specific news stories to have agood idea of the relative frequency with which different countries haveappeared in the news during the past year (Belgium China France Congo Nicaragua Romania…)

        The availability heuristic like other heuristics of judgment substitutes1 question for another: you wish to estimate the size se ost c d of acategory or the frequency of an event but you report an impression of theease with which instances come to mind

        A salient event that attracts your attention will be easily retrieved frommemory Divorces among Hollywood celebrities and sex scandalsamong politicians attract much attention and instances will comeeasily to mind You are therefore likely to exaggerate the frequency ofboth Hollywood divorces and political sex scandals

        A dramatic event temporarily increases the availability of itscategory A plane crash that attracts media coverage will temporarilyalter your feelings about the safety of flying Accidents are on yourmind for a while after you see a car burning at the side of the road and the world is for a while a more dangerous place

        Personal experiences pictures and vivid examples are moreavailable than incidents that happened to others or mere words orstatistics A judicial error that affects you will undermine your faith inthe justice system more than a similar incident you read about in anewspaper

        biases

        • Resisting this large collection of potential availability biases is possible but tiresome

          You must make the effort to reconsider your impressions andintuitions by asking such questions as “Is our belief that theft s byteenagers are a major problem due to a few recent instances in ourneighborhood?”

          “Could it be that I feel no need to get a flu shot becausen1 of my acquaintances got the flu last year?”

          Maintaining 1’svigilance against biases is a chore—but the chance to avoid a costlymistake is sometimes worth the effort

        awareness ofyour own biases

        1 of the best known studies of availability suggests that awareness ofyour own biases can contribute to peace in marriages and probably inother joint projects

        availability bias

        • In a famous study spouses were asked “How largewas your personal contribution to keeping the place tidy in percentages?”They also answered similar questions about “taking out the garbage ”“initiating social engagements ” etc Would the self estimated contributionsadd up to % or more or less? As expected the self assessedcontributions added up to more than %

          The explanation is a simpleavailability bias: both spouses remember their own individual efforts andcontributions much more clearly than those of the other and the differencein availability leads to a difference in judged frequency

          The bias is notnecessarily self serving: spouses also overestimated their contribution tocausing quarrels although to a smaller extent than their contributions tomore desirable outcomes The same bias contributes to the commonobservation that many members of a collaborative team feel they haved1 more than their share and also feel that the others are not adequatelygrateful for their individual contributions

        The Psychology of Availability

        • A major advance in the understanding of the availability heuristic occurredin the early s when a group of German psychologists led by NorbertSchwarz raised an intriguing question: How will people’s impressions ofthe frequency of a category be affected by a requirement to list a specifiednumber of instances? Imagine yourself a subject in that experiment
          • First list six instances in which you behaved assertively
          • Next evaluate how assertive you are

          2 different routes

          • the number of instances retrieved
          • the ease with which they come to mind

          paradoxical results

          • believe that they use their bicycles less often after recalling manyrather than few instances
          • are less confident in a choice when they are asked to produce morearguments to support it
          • are less confident that an event was avoidable after listing moreways it could have been avoided
          • are less impressed by a car after listing many of its advantages

          ingenious way to exploit the availabilitybias

          • He asked different groups of students to list ways to improve thecourse and he varied the required number of improvements As expected the students who listed more ways to improve the class rated it higher!

          conditions in which people “go with theflow”

          • when they are engaged in another effortful task at the same time

            when they are in a good mood because they just thought of a happyepisode in their life

            if they score low on a depression scale

            if they are knowledgeable novices on the topic of the task in contrastto true experts

            when they score high on a scale of faith in intuition

            if they are (or are made to feel) powerful

            “I don’t spend a lot of time taking polls aroundthe world to tell me what I think is the right way to act I’ve just got to knowhow I feel” (Georgee e the w W Bush November )

          They go on toshow that reliance on intuition is only in part a personality trait Merelyreminding people of a time when they had power increases their apparenttrust in their own intuition

          Speaking of Availability

          • “Because of the coincidence of 2 planes crashing last month she now prefers to take the train That’s silly The risk hasn’t reallychanged; it is an availability bias ”

            “He underestimates the risks of indoor pollution because thereare few media stories on them That’s an availability effect Heshould look at the statistics ”

            “She has been watching too many spy movies recently so she’sseeing conspiracies everywhere ”

            “The CEO has had several successes in a row so failure doesn’tcome easily to her mind The availability bias is making heroverconfident ”

    • Chapter 13 Availability Emotion and Risk
      • the study of risk and insurance noticed that availabilityeffects help explain the pattern of insurance purchase and protective actionafter disasters

        Availability and Affect

        public perceptions of risks

        • Strokes cause almost twice as many deaths as all accidentscombined but % of respondents judged accidental death to bemore likely

          Tornadoes were seen as more frequent killers than asthma althoughthe latter cause times more deaths

          Death by lightning was judged less likely than death from botulismeven though it is times more frequent

          Death by disease is times as likely as accidental death but the2 were judged about equally likely

          Death by accidents was judged to be more than times morelikely than death by diabetes but the true ratio is :

        The lesson is clear: estimates of causes of death are warped by mediacoverage

        • The coverage is itself biased toward novelty and poignancy

          Themedia do not just shape what the public is interested in but also areshaped by it

          Editors cannot ignore the public’s demands that certaintopics and viewpoints receive extensive coverage

          Unusual events (suchas botulism) attract disproportionate attention and are consequentlyperceived as less unusual than they really are

          The world in our heads isnot a precise replica of reality; our expectations about the frequency ofevents are distorted by the prevalence and emotional intensity of themessages to which we are exposed

          The estimates of causes of death are an almost direct representation ofthe activation of ideas in associative memory and are a good example ofsubstitution

        deeper insight

        • the ease with which ideas of various risks come to mind andthe emotional reactions to these risks are inextricably linked

          Frighteningthoughts and images occur to us with particular ease and thoughts ofdanger that are fluent and vivid exacerbate fear

        affectheuristic

        an affectheuristic in which people make judgments and decisions by consultingtheir emotions

        Do I like it?

        Do I hate it?

        How strongly do I feel about it?

        affect heuristic

        • An inability to be guided by a “healthy fear”of bad consequences is a disastrous flaw

          people form opinions and make choicesthat directly express their feelings and their basic tendency to approach oravoid often without knowing that they are doing so

          The affect heuristic isan instance of substitution in which the answer to an easy question (Howdo I feel about it?) serves as an answer to a much harder question (Whatdo I think about it?)

          Howdo I feel about it?

          Whatdo I think about it?

          Antonio Damasio

          people’s emotional evaluations of outcomes and the bodily states and theapproach and avoidance tendencies associated with them all play acentral role in guiding decision making

          Damasio and his colleagues haveobserved that people who do not display the appropriate emotions beforethey decide sometimes because of brain damage also have an impairedability to make good decisions

          The affect heuristicsimplifies our lives by creating a world that is much tidier than reality

        The Public and the Experts

        Mr and Ms Citizen Common Biases

        • guided by emotion rather than byreason
        • easily swayed by trivial details
          • inadequately sensitive todifferences between low and negligibly low probabilities

        Risk is objective Challenge

        “Risk” does not exist “out there ” independent of our minds andculture waiting to be measured

        Human beings have invented theconcept of “risk” to help them understand and cope with thedangers and uncertainties of life

        Although these dangers arereal there is no such thing as “real risk” or “objective risk ”

        availabilitycascade

        mechanism through which biases flow into policy: the availabilitycascade They comment that in the social context “all heuristics are equal but availability is more equal than the others ”

        the importance of an idea isoften judged by the fluency (and emotional charge) with which that ideacomes to mind

        An availability cascade is a self sustaining chain of events which maystart from media reports of a relatively minor event and lead up to publicpanic and large scale government action

        On some occasions a mediastory about a risk catches the attention of a segment of the public whichbecomes aroused and worried

        The Alar tale illustrates a basic limitation in the ability of our mind to dealwith small risks: we either ignore them altogether or give them far too muchweight—nothing in between

        “probability neglect”

        • Every parent who has stayed up waiting for ateenage daughter who is late from a party will recognize the feeling Youmay know that there is really (almost) nothing to worry about but youcannot help images of disaster from coming to mind

          the amount of concern is not adequately sensitive to the probabilityof harm; you are imagining the numerator—the tragic story you saw on thenews—and not thinking about the denominator

          The combination ofprobability neglect with the social mechanisms of availability cascadesinevitably leads to gross exaggeration of minor threats sometimes withimportant consequences

        In today’s world terrorists are the most significant practiti1rs of the artof inducing availability cascades With a few horrible exceptions such as the number of casualties from terror attacks is very small relative toother causes of death Even in countries that have been targets ofintensive terror campaigns such as Israel the weekly number of casualtiesalmost never came close to the number of traffic deaths The difference isin the availability of the 2 risks the ease and the frequency with whichthey come to mind Gruesome images endlessly repeated in the media cause every1 to be on edge

        As I know from experience it is difficult toreason 1self into a state of complete calm Terrorism speaks directly toSystem 1

        Democracy is inevitably messy in part because the availabilityand affect heuristics that guide citizens’ beliefs and attitudes are inevitablybiased even if they generally point in the right direction

        Psychology shouldinform the design of risk policies that combine the experts’ knowledge withthe public’s emotions and intuitions

        Speaking of Availability Cascades

        • “She’s raving about an innovation that has large benefits and nocosts I suspect the affect heuristic ”

          “This is an availability cascade: a n1vent that is inflated by themedia and the public until it fills our TV screens and becomes allany1 is talking about ”

    • Chapter 14 Tom W’s Specialty
      • Tom W’s Specialty

        simple puzzle

        • Tom W is a graduate student at the main university in your state Please rank the following nine fields of graduate specialization inorder of the likelihood that Tom W is now a student in each ofthese fields Use for the most likely for the least likely

          business administration

          computer science

          engineering

          humanities and education

          law

          medicine

          library science

          physical and life sciences

          social science and social work

        personality sketch of Tom W

        • Tom W is of high intelligence although lacking in true creativity He has a need for order and clarity and for neat and tidy systemsin which every detail finds its appropriate place His writing israther dull and mechanical occasionally enlivened by somewhatcorny puns and flashes of imagination of the sci fi type He has astrong drive for competence He seems to have little feel and littlesympathy for other people and does not enjoy interacting withothers Self centered he n1theless has a deep moral sense

          Now please take a sheet of paper and rank the nine fields ofspecialization listed below by how similar the description of TomW is to the typical graduate student in each of the following fields Use for the most likely and for the least likely

        Predicting by Representativeness

        rank the fields of specialization inorder of the likelihood that Tom W is now a graduate student in each ofthese fields

        Substitution was perfect in this case: there wasno indication that the participants did anything else but judgerepresentativeness The question about probability (likelihood) wasdifficult but the question about similarity was easier and it was answeredinstead

        judgments of similarity

        The question about probability (likelihood) wasdifficult but the question about similarity was easier and it was answeredinstead This is a serious mistake because judgments of similarity andprobak tbility are not constrained by the same logical rules

        definitions ofprobability

        • Logicians and statisticians have developed competing definitions ofprobability all very precise

          have developed competing definitions ofprobability all very precise For laypeople however probability (asynonym of likelihood in everyday language) is a vague notion related touncertainty pr sity plausibility and surprise

        The vagueness is notparticular to this concept nor is it especially troublesome We know moreor less what we mean when we use a word such as democracy or beautyand the people we are talking to understand more or less what weintended to say

        A question about probability or likelihood activates a mentalshotgun evoking answers to easier questions

        1 of the easy answers isan automatic assessment of representativeness—routine in understandinglanguage

        The (false) statement that “Elvis Presley’s parents wanted him tobe a dentist” is mildly funny because the discrepancy between the imagesof Presley and a dentist is detected automatically

        System 1 generates animpression of similarity without intending to do so The representativenessheuristic is involved when some1 says “She will win the election; you cansee she is a winner” or “He won’t go far as an academic; too manytattoos ” We rely on representativeness when we judge the potentialleadership of a candidate for office by the shape of his chin or theforcefulness of his speeches

        The Sins of Representativeness

        • Judging probability byals representativeness has important virtues: theintuitive impressions that it produces are often—indeed usually—moreaccurate than chance guesses would be

          On most occasions people who act friendly are in fact friendly

          A professional athlete who is very tall and thin is much more likely toplay basketball than football

          People with a PhD are more likely to subscribe to The New YorkTimes than people who ended their education after high school

          Young men are more likely than elderly women to drive aggressively

          In all these cases and in many others there is some truth to thestereotypes that govern judgments of representativeness and predictionsthat follow this heuristic may be accurate

          In other situations thestereotypes are false and the representativeness heuristic will mislead especially if it causes people to neglect base rate information that points inanother direction Even when the heuristic has some validity exclusivereliance on it is associated with grave sins against statistical logic

          1 sin of representativeness is an excessive willingness to predict theoccurrence of unlikely (low base rate) events Here is an example: you seea person reading The New York Times on the New York subway Which ofthe following is a better bet about the reading stranger?

          • She has a PhD
          • She does not have a college degree

          enhanced activationof System 2 caused a significant improvement of predictive accuracy inthe Tom W problem

          puff frown

          • experiment combined the old problem with amodern variation of cognitive fluency Half the students were told to puff outtheir cheeks during the task while the others were told to frown Frowning as we have seen generally increases the vigilance of System 2 andreduces both overconfidence and the reliance on intuition The studentswho puffed out their cheeks (an emotionally neutral expression) replicatedthe original results: they relied exclusively on representativeness andignored the base rates As the authors had predicted however thefrowners did show some sensitivity to the base rates This is an instructivefinding

          When an incorrect intuitive judgment is made System 1 and System 2should both be indicted System 1 suggested the incorrect intuition andSystem 2 endorsed it and expressed it in a judgment

          The second sin of representativeness is insensitivity to the quality ofevidence

          let your judgments ofprobability stay close to the base rate

          The correct answer to the Tom W puzzle is that you should stay veryclose to your prior beliefs slightly reducing the initially high probabilities ofwell populated fields (humanities and education; social science and socialwork) and slightly raising the low probabilities of rare specialties (libraryscience computer science)

          You are not exactly where you would be if youhad known nothing at all about Tom W but the little evidence you have isnot trus2rthy so the base rates should dominate your estimates

        How to Discipline Intuition

        Your probability that it will rain tomorrow is your subjective degree of belief but you should not let yourself believe whatever comes to your mind

        To beuseful your beliefs should be constrained by the logic of probability So ifyou believe that there is a % chance plethat it will rain sometimetomorrow you must also believe that there is a % chance it will not raintomorrow and you must not believe that there is a % chance that it willrain tomorrow morning

        relevant “Bayesean rules”

        • The relevant “rules” for cases such as the Tom W problem are providedby Bayesian statistics

          the logic of how people should change their mind in the light ofevidence

          Bayes’s rule specifies how prior beliefs (in the examples of thischapter base rates) should be combined with the diagnosticity of theevidence the degree to which it favors the hypothesis over the alternative

          Bayesian reasoning

          base rates matter even in the presence of evidenceabout the case at hand

          intuitive impressions of the diagnosticity of evidence are oftenexaggerated

          The essentialkeys to disciplined Bayesian reasoning

          • Anchor your judgment of the probability of an outcome on a plausiblebase rate
          • Question the diagnosticity of your evidence

        Speaking of Representativeness

        • “The lawn is well trimmed the receptionist looks competent andthe furniture is attractive but this doesn’t mean it is a wellmanagedcompany I hope the board does not go byrepresentativeness ”

          “This start up looks as if it could not fail but the base rate ofsuccess in the industry is extremely low How do we know thiscase is different?”

    • Chapter 15 Linda: Less is More
      • heuristics in judgment and oftheir incompatibility with logic

        Linda is thirty 1 years old single outspoken and very bright She majored in philosophy As a student she was deeplyconcerned with issues of discrimination and social justice andalso participated in antinuclear demonstrations

        The Linda problem is similar but with a twist Possible Scenarios

        • Linda is a teacher in elementary school
        • Linda works in a bookstore and takes yoga classes
        • Linda is active in the feminist movement
        • Linda is a psychiatric social worker
        • Linda is a member of the League of Women Voters
        • Linda is a bank teller
        • Linda is an insurance salesperson
        • Linda is a bank teller and is active in the feminist movement

        Which alternative is more probable?

        • Linda is a bank teller
        • Linda is a bank teller and is active in the feminist movement

        fallacy

        • The word fallacy is used in general when people fail to apply a logicalrule that is obviously relevant

        conjunction fallacy

        conjunction fallacy which people commit when they judge a conjunction of2 events (here bank teller and feminist) to be more probable than 1 ofthe events (bank teller) in a direct comparison

        judgments ofrepresentativeness

        The judgments of probability that our respondents offered in both theTom W and Linda problems corresponded precisely to judgments ofrepresentativeness (similarity to stereotypes)

        Representativenessbelongs to a cluster of closely related basic assessments that are likely tobe generated together The most representative outcomes combine withthe personality description to produce the most coherent stories The mostcoherent stories are not necessarily the most probable but they areplausible and the notions of coherence plausibility and probability areeasily confused by the unwary

        uncritical substitution of plausibility for probability

        • A massive flood somewhere in North America next year in whichmore than people drown

          An earthquake in California sometime next year causing a floodin which more than people drown

          The California earthquake scenario is more plausible than the NorthAmerica scenario although its probability is certainly smaller

        Less Is More Sometimes Even In Joint Evaluation

        less is more

        • By removing items from Set A ( of them intact) its value is improved

        baseball cards

        • He aucti1d sets of ten high valuecards and identical sets to which three cards of modest value wereadded As in the dinnerware experiment the larger sets were valued morethan the smaller 1s in joint evaluation but less in single evaluation Fromthe perspective of economic theory this result is troubling: the economicvalue of a dinnerware set or of a collection of baseball cards is a sum likevariable Adding a positively valued item to the set can only increase itsvalue

          System 1 averages insteadof adding

        four possible outcomes

        Björn Borg wasthe dominant tennis player of the day when the study was conducted

        • A Borg will win the match
        • B Borg will lose the first set
        • C Borg will lose the first set but win the match
        • D Borg will win the first set but lose the match

        “How many of the participants

        Why is the question “How many of the participants…” so mucheasier than “What percentage…”? A likely explanation is that the referenceto individuals brings a spatial representation to mind Imagine that alarge number of people are instructed to sort themselves into groups in aroom: “Those whose names begin with the letters A to L are told to gatherin the front left corner ” They are then instructed to sort themselves further The relation of inclusion is now obvious and you can see that individualswhose name begins with C will be a subset of the crowd in the front leftcorner

        In the medical survey question heart attack victims end up in acorner of the room and some of them are less than years old Notevery1 will share this particular vivid imagery but many subsequentexperiments have shown that the frequency representation as it is known makes it easy to appreciate that 1 group is wholly included in the other

        The solution to the puzzle appears to be that a question phrased as “howmany?” makes you think of individuals but the same question phrased as“what percentage?” does not

        What have we learned from these studies about the workings of System?

        System 2 is not impressivelyalert

        The undergraduates and graduate students who participated in ourthastudies of the conjunction fallacy certainly “knew” the logic of Venndiagrams but they did not apply it reliably even when all the relevantinformation was laid out in front of them

        The absurdity of the less is morepattern was obvious in Hsee’s dinnerware study and was easilyrecognized in the “how many?” representation but it was not apparent tothe thousands of people who have committed the conjunction fallacy in theoriginal Linda problem and in others like it

        The laziness of System 2 is part of the story

        followlogic

        not to answer until they were sure of their answer

        conjunction fallacy

        The laziness of System 2 is part of the story If their next vacation haddepended on it and if they had been given indefinite time and told to followlogic and not to answer until they were sure of their answer I believe thatmost of our subjects would have avoided the conjunction fallacy

        The laziness of System 2 is an important fact of life

        theobservation that representativeness can block the application of anobvious logical rule is also of some interest

    • Chapter 16 Causes Trump Statistics
      • Causes Trump Statistics

        A cab was involved in a hit and run accident at night 2 cab companies the Green and the Blue operate in the city You are given the following data:

        • % of the cabs in the city are Green and % are Blue

          A witness identified the cab as Blue The court tested the reliability ofthe witness under the circumstances that existed on the night of theaccident and concluded that the witness correctly identified each 1of the 2 colors % of the time and failed % of the time

          What is the probability that the cab involved in the accident wasBlue rather than Green?

        2 items ofinformation:

        • a base rate
        • the imperfectly reliable testimony of a witness

        Causal Stereotypes

        variation of the same story

        You are given the following data:

        The 2 companies operate the same number of cabs but Greencabs are involved in % of accidents

        The information about the witness is as in the previous version

        In the second version in contrast the drivers of Green cabs cause morethan times as many accidents as the Blue cabs do The conclusion isimmediate: the Green drivers must be a collection of reckless madmen!You have now formed a stereotype of Green recklessness which you applyto unknown individual drivers in the company

        The stereotype is easilyfitted into a causal story because recklessness is a causally relevant factabout individual cabdrivers In this version there are 2 causal stories thatneed to be combined or reconciled The first is the hit and run whichnaturally evokes the idea that a reckless Green driver was responsible The second is the witness’s testimony which strongly suggests the cabwas Blue The inferences from the 2 stories about the color of the car arecontradictory and approximately cancel each other

        2 types of base rates

        • Statistical base
          • Statistical baserates are facts about a population to which a case belongs but they arenot relevant to the individual case
        • Causal base rates
          • Causal base rates change your view ofhow the individual case came to be

        The 2 types of base rateinformation are treated differently:

        • Statistical base rates are generally underweighted and sometimesneglected altogether when specific information about the case athand is available

          Causal base rates are treated as information about the individualcase and are easily combined with other case specific information

        2 examples

        • Most of the graduates of this inner city school go to college
        • Interest in cycling is widespread in France

        These statements are readily interpreted as setting up a pr sity inindividual members of the group and they fit in a causal story Manygraduates of this particular inner city school are eager and able to go tocollege presumably because of some beneficial features of life in thatschool There are forces in French culture and social life that cause manyFrenchmen to take an interest in cycling You will be reminded of thesefacts when you think about the likelihood that a particular graduate of theschool will attend college or when you wonder whether to bring up the Tourde France in a conversation with a Frenchman you just met

        Stereotyping

        • Stereotyping is a bad word in our culture but in my usage it is neutral 1of the basic characteristics of System 1 is that it represents categories asnorms and prototypical exemplars

          This is how we think of horses refrigerators and New York police officers; we hold in memory arepresentation of 1 or more “normal” members of each of thesecategories

          When the categories are social these representations arecalled stereotypes

          Some stereotypes are perniciously wrong and hostilestereotyping can have dreadful consequences but the psychological factscannot be avoided:

          stereotypes both correct and false are how we thinkof categories

          The social norm against stereotyping including the opposition toprofiling has been highly beneficial in creating a more civilized and moreequal society It is useful to remember however that neglecting validstereotypes inevitably results in suboptimal judgments Resistance tostereotyping is a laudable moral position but the simplistic idea that theresistance is costless is wrong The costs are worth paying to achieve abetter society but denying that the costs exist while satisfying to the souland politically correct is not scientifically defensible Reliance on the affectheuristic is common in politically charged arguments The positions wefavor have no cost and those we oppose have no benefits We should beable to do better

        Causal Situations

        • In his experiment Ajzen showed his participantsbrief vignettes describing some students who had taken an exam at Yaleand asked the participants to judge the probability that each student hadpassed the test The manipulation of causal bs oase rates wasstraightforward: Ajzen told 1 group that the students they saw had beendrawn from a class in which % passed the exam and told another groupthat the same students had been in a class in which only % passed Thisis a powerful manipulation because the base rate of passing suggests theimmediate inference that the test that only % passed must have beenbrutally difficult

          The difficulty of a test is of course 1 of the causalfactors that determine every student’s outcome As expected Ajzen’ssubjects were highly sensitive to the causal base rates and every studentwas judged more likely to pass in the high success condition than in thehigh failure rate

          As expected the explicitly stated base rates had some effects onjudgment but they had much less impact than the statistically equivalentcausal base rates

          System 1 can deal with stories in which the elementsare causally linked but it is weak in statistical reasoning

        Can Psychology be Taught?

        • The classicexperiment I describe next shows that people will not draw from base rateinformation an inference that conflicts with other beliefs It also supports theuncomfortable conclusion that teaching psychology is mostly a waste oftime

          Most of us think ofourselves as decent people who would rush to help in such a situation andwe expect other decent people to do the same

          Most of us think ofourselves as decent people who would rush to help in such a situation andwe expect other decent people to do the same

          The point of theexperiment of course was to show that this expectation is wrong Evennormal decent people do not rush to help when they expect others to takeon the unpleasantness of dealing with a seizure

          Are you willing to endorse the following statement? “When I read theprocedure of the helping experiment I thought I would come to thestranger’s help immediately as I probably would if I found myself al1 witha seizure victim I was probably wrong If I find myself in a situation in whichother people have an opportunity to help I might not step forward Thepresence of others would reduce my sense of personal responsibility morethan I initially thought ” This is what a teacher of psychology would hope youwould learn Would you have made the same inferences by yourself?

        diffusion of responsibility

        • The lessonstudents are meant to take away is that some potent feature of thesituation such as the diffusion of responsibility induces normal and decentpeople such as them to behave in a surprisingly unhelpful way

          Changing 1’s mind about human nature is hard work and changing1’s mind for the worse about 1self is even harder

          To teach students any psychology they did not know before you mustsurprise them But which surprise will do? Nisbett and Borgida found thatwhen they presented their students with a surprising statisticis al fact thestudents managed to learn nothing at all

          But when the students weresurprised by individual cases—2 nice people who had not helped—theyimmediately made the generalization and inferred that helping is moredifficult than they had thought Nisbett and Borgida summarize the resultsin a memorable sentence:

          Subjects’ unwillingness to deduce the particular from the generalwas matched only by their willingness to infer the general from theparticular

        Speaking of Causes and Statistics

        “We can’t assume that they will really learn anything from merestatistics Let’s show them 1 or 2 representative individualcases to influence their System 1 ”

        “No need to worry about this statistical information being ignored On the contrary it will immediately be used to feed a stereotype ”

    • Chapter 17 Regression to the Mean
      • Regression to the Mean
        • rewards for improved performance work better than punishment ofmistakes

          regression to the mean

          regression to the mean which in that case wasdue to random fluctuations in the quality of performance Naturally hepraised only a cadet whose performance was far better than average

          Butthe cadet was probably just lucky on that particular attempt and thereforelikely to deteriorate regardless of whether or not he was praised Similarly the instructor would shout into a cadet’s earph1s only when the cadet’sperformance was unusually bad and therefore likely to improve regardlessof what the instructor did The instructor had attached a causalinterpretation to the inevitable fluctuations of a random process

          I pointed out to the instructors that what theysaw on the board coincided with what we had heard about theperformance of aerobatic maneuvers on successive attempts: poorperformance was typically followed by improvement and goodperformance by deterioration without any help from either praise orpunishment

          The discovery I made on that day was that the flight instructors weretrapped in an unfortunate contingency: because they punished cadetswhen performance was poor they were mostly rewarded by a subsequentimprovement even if punishment was actually ineffective Furthermore theinstructors were not al1 in that predicament I had stumbled onto asignificant fact of the human condition: the feedback to which life exposesus is perverse Because we tend to be nice to other people when theyplease us and nasty when they do not we are statistically punished forbeing nice and rewarded for being nasty

      • Talent and Luck
        • “favorite equation ”

          success = talent + luck

          great success = a little more talent + a lot of luck

          “Sports Illustrated jinx ”

          • Regression effects are ubiquitous and so are misguided causal storiesto explain them A well known example is the “Sports Illustrated jinx ” theclaim that an athlete whose picture appears on the cover of the magazineis doomed to perform poorly the following season Overconfidence and thepressure of meeting high expectations are often offered as explanations But there is a simpler account of the jinx: an athlete who gets to be on thecover of Sports Illustrated must have performed exceptionally well in thepreceding season probably with the assistance of a nudge from luck—andluck is fickle

            the results are combined for thefinal score I was startled to hear the sportscaster’s comments whileathletes were preparing for their second jump: “Norway had a great firstjump; he will be tense hoping to protect his lead and will probably doworse” or “Sweden had a bad first jump and now he knows he has nothingto lose and will be relaxed which should help him do better ”

          Thecommentator had obviously detected regression to the mean and hadinvented a causal story for which there was no evidence The story itselfcould even be true Perhaps if we measured the athletes’ pulse beforeeach jump we might find that they are indeed more relaxed after a bad firstjump And perhaps not The point to remember is that the change from thefirst to the second jump does not need a causal explanation It is amathematically inevitable consequence of the fact that luck played a role inthe outcome of the first jump Not a very satisfactory story—we would allprefer a causal account—but that is all there is

      • Understanding Regression
        • Regression to the mean was discovered and named late in thenineteenth century by Sir Francis Galton a half cousin of Charles Darwinand a renowned polymath

          “Regression towards Mediocrity inHereditary Stature ”

          which reports measurements of size in successivegenerations of seeds and in comparisons of the height of children to theheight of their parents He writes about his studies of seeds:

          They yielded results that seemed very noteworthy and I usedthem as the basis of a lecture before the Royal Institution onFebruary th It appeared from these experiments that theoffspring did not tend to resemble their parent seeds in size butto be always more mediocre than they—to be smaller than theparents if the parents were large; to be larger than the parents ifthe parents were very small…The experiments showed furtherthat the mean filial regression towards mediocrity was directlyproportional to the parental deviation from it

          Regression effects can be found wherever we look but wedo not recognize them for what they are They hide in plain sight It tookGalton several years to work his way from his discovery of filial regressionin size to the broader notion that regression inevitably occurs when thecorrelation between 2 measures is less than perfect and he needed thehelp of the most brilliant statisticians of his time to reach that conclusion

          examples of coefficients

          • The correlation between the size of objects measured with precisionin English or in metric units is Any factor that influences 1measure also influences the other; % of determinants areshared
            • The correlation between self reported height and weight among adultAmerican males is If you included women and children thecorrelation would be much higher because individuals’ gender andage influence both their height ann wd their weight boosting therelative weight of shared factors

          The correlation between SAT scores and college GPA isapproximately However the correlation between aptitude testsand success in graduate school is much lower largely becausemeasured aptitude varies little in this selected group If every1 hassimilar aptitude differences in this measure are unlikely to play alarge role in measures of success

          The correlation between income and education level in the UnitedStates is approximately

          The correlation between family income and the last four digits of theirph1 number is

          correlation andregression are not 2 concepts—they are different perspectives on thesame concept

          The general rule is straightforward but has surprisingconsequences:

          whenever the correlation between 2 scores is imperfect there will be regression to the mean

          Highly intelligent women tend to marry men who are lessintelligent than they are

          You can get a good conversation started at a party by asking for anexplanation and your friends will readily oblige Even people who have hadsome exposure to statistics will spontaneously interpret the statement incausal terms Some may think of highly intelligent women wanting to avoidthe competition of equally intelligent men or being forced to compromisein their choice of spouse because intelligent men do not want to competewith intelligent women

          consider this statement

          • The correlation between the intelligence scores of spouses isless than perfect
            • This statement is obviously true and not interesting at all Who wouldexpect the correlation to be perfect? There is nothing to explain But thestatement you found interesting and the statement you found trivial arealgebraically equivalent If the correlation between the intelligence ofspouses is less than perfect (and if men and women on average do notdiffer in intelligence) then it is a mathematical inevitability that highlyintelligent women will be married to husbands who are on average lessintelligent than they are (and vice versa of course) The observedregression to the mean cannot be more interesting or more explainablethan the imperfect correlation

          our mind isstrongly biased toward causal explanations and does not deal well with“mere statistics ”

          When our attention is called to an event associativememory will look for its cause—more precisely activation will automaticallyspread to any cause that is already stored in memory

          difficulties with the concept of regression originate with both System 1and System 2

          • Depressed children treated with an energy drink improvesignificantly over a three month period

            I made up this newspaper headline but the fact it reports is true: if youtreated a group of depressed children for some time with an energy drink they would show a clinically significant improvement It is also the case thatdepressed children who spend some time standing on their head or hug acat for twenty minutes a day will also show improvement Most readers ofsuch headlines will automatically infer that the energy drink or the cathugging caused an improvement but this conclusion is completelyunjustified

            Depressed children are an extreme group they are moredepressed than most other children—and extreme groups regress to themean over time

          Judgment in Managerial DecisionMaking:

          • You are the sales forecaster for a department store chain Allstores are similar in size and merchandise selection but theirsales differ because of location competition and randomfactors You are given the results for and asked to forecastsales for You have been instructed to accept the overallforecast of economists that sales will increase overall by % How would you complete the following table?

          Speaking of Regression to Mediocrity

          • “She says experience has taught her that criticism is moreeffective than praise What she doesn’t understand is that it’s alldue to regression to the mean ”

            “Perhaps his second interview was less impressive than thefirst because he was afraid of disappointing us but more likely itwas his first that was unusually good ”

            “Our screening procedure is good but not perfect so we shouldanticipate regression We shouldn’t be surprised that the verybest candidates often fail to meet our expectations ”

    • Chapter 18 Taming Intuitive Predictions
      • Taming Intuitive Predictions
        • Life presents us with many occasions to forecast Economists forecastinflation and unemployment financial analysts forecast earnings militaryexperts predict casualties venture capitalists assess profitability publishers and producers predict audiences contractors estimate the timerequired to complete projects chefs anticipate the demand for the disheson their menu engineers estimate the amount of concrete needed for abuilding fireground commanders assess the number of trucks that will beneeded to put out a fire In our private lives we forecast our spouse’sreaction to a proposed move or our own future adjustment to a new job

          Some predictive judgments such as those made by engineers relylargely on look up tables precise calculations and explicit analyses ofoutcomes observed on similar occasions

      • Nonregressive Intuitions
        • Julie is currently a senior in a state university She read fluentlywhen she was four years old What is her grade point average(GPA)?

          People who are familiar with the American educational scene quicklycome up with a number which is often in the vicinity of or Howdoes this occur? Several operations of System 1 are involved

          A causal link between the evidence (Julie’s reading) and the target ofthe prediction (her GPA) is sought The link can be indirect In thisinstance early reading and a high GDP are both indications ofacademic talent Some connection is necessary You (your System) would probably reject as irrelevant a report of Julie winning a flyfishing competitiowhired D=n or excelling at weight lifting in highschool The process is effectively dichotomous We are capable ofrejecting information as irrelevant or false but adjusting for smallerweaknesses in the evidence is not something that System 1 can do As a result intuitive predictions are almost completely insensitive tothe actual predictive quality of the evidence When a link is found asin the case of Julie’s early reading WY SIATI applies: yourassociative memory quickly and automatically constructs the bestpossible story from the information available

          Next the evidence is evaluated in relation to a relevant norm Howprecocious is a child who reads fluently at age four? What relativerank or percentile score corresponds to this achievement? Thegroup to which the child is compared (we call it a reference group) isnot fully specified but this is also the rule in normal speech: ifsome1 graduating from college is described as “quite clever” yourarely need to ask “When you say ‘quite clever ’ which referencegroup do you have in mind?”

          The next step involves substitution and intensity matching Theevaluation of the flimsy evidence of cognitive ability in childhood issubstituted as an answer to the question about her college GPA Julie will be assigned the same percentile score for her GPA and forher achievements as an early reader

          The question specified that the answer must be on the GPA scale which requires another intensity matching operation from a generalimpression of Julie’s academic achievements to the GPA thatmatches the evidence for her talent The final step is a translation from an impression of Julie’s relative academic standing to the GPAthat corresponds to it

          experiment to judgedescriptions

          intelligent self confident well read hardworking inquisitive

          How much does this description impress you with respect toacademic ability?

          What percentage of descriptions of freshmen do you believewould impress you more?

      • A Correction for Intuitive Predictions
        • reading age = shared factors + factors specific to reading age = %
        • GPA = shared factors + factors specific to GPA = %
      • A Defense of Extreme Predictions?
      • A 2 Systems View of Regression
      • Speaking of Intuitive Predictions
        • “That start up achieved an outstanding proof of concept but weshouldn’t expect them to do as well in the future They are still along way from the market and there is a lot of room forregression ”

          “Our intuitive prediction is very favorable but it is probably toohigh Let’s take into account the strength of our evidence andregress the prediction toward the mean ”

          “The investment may be a good idea even if the best guess isthat it will fail Let’s not say we really believe it is the next Google ”

          “I read 1 review of that brand and it was excellent Still thatcould have been a fluke Let’s consider only the brands that havea large number of reviews and pick the 1 that looks best ”

  • Part III Overconfidence
    • Chapter 19 The Illusion of Understanding
      • The Illusion of Understanding
        • narrative fallacy

          the notionof a narrative fallacy to describe how flawed stories of the past shape ourviews of the world and our expectations for the future

          Narrative fallaciesarise inevitably from our continuous attempt to make sense of the world

          The explanatory stories that people find compelling

          • are simple

            areconcrete rather than abstract

            assign a larger role to talent

            stupidity

            intentions than to luck

            focus on a few striking events that happenedrather than on the countless events that failed to happen

          we humans constantly fool ourselves by constructing flimsyaccounts of the past and believing they are true

          A compelling narrative fosters an illusion of inevitability

          • story of how Google turned into a giant of the technology industry

            A compelling narrative fosters an illusion of inevitability Consider thestory of how Google turned into a giant of the technology industry 2creative graduate students in the computer science department atStanford University come up with a superior way of searching informationon the Internet They seek and obtain funding to start a company and makea series of decisions that work out well Within a few years the companythey started is 1 of the most valuable stocks in America and the 2former graduate students are among the richest people on the planet On1 memorable occasion they were lucky which makes the story evenmore compelling: a year after founding Google they were willing to selltheir company for less than $ million but the buyer said the price was toohigh Mentioning the single lucky incident actually makes it easier tounderestimate the multitude of ways in which luck affected the outcome

          every choice they made hada good outcome

          The human mind doesnot deal well with n1vents The fact that many of the important events thatdid occur involve choices further tempts you to exaggerate the role of skilland underestimate the part that luck played in the outcome

          WY SIATI rule

          • At work here is that powerful WY SIATI rule You cannot help dealing withthe limited information you have as if it were all there is to know You buildthe best possible story from the information available to you and if it is agood story you believe it Paradoxically it is easier to construct a coherentstory when you know little when there are fewer pieces to fit into the puzzle Our comforting conviction that the world makes sense rests on a securefoundation: our almost unlimited ability to ignore our ignorance

            financial crisis was inevitable

            • I have heard of too many people who “knew well before it happened thatthe financial crisis was inevitable ” This sentence contains a highlyobjectionable word which should be removed from our vocabulary indiscussions of major events

          This isa misuse of an important concept In everyday language we apply theword know only when what was known is true and can be shown to be true We can know something only if it is both true and knowable

          But the peoplewho thought there would be a crisis (and there are fewer of them than nowremember thinking it) could not conclusively show it at the time

          Manyintelligent and well informed people were keenly interested in the future ofthe economy and did not believe a catastrophe was imminent; I infer fromthis fact that the crisis was not knowable

          What is perverse about the useof know in this context is not that some individuals get credit for presciencethat they do not deserve It is that the language implies that the world ismore knowable than it is It helps perpetuate a pernicious illusion

          The core of the illusion is that we believe we understand the past whichimplies that the future also should be knowable but in fact we understandthe past less than we believe we do Know is not the only word that fostersthis illusion In common usage the words intuition and premonition alsoare reserved for past thoughts that turned out to be true The statement “Ihad a premonition that the marriage would not last but I was wrong”sounds odd as does any sentence about an intuition that turned out to befalse

          To think clearly about the future we need to clean up the languagethat we use in labeling the beliefs we had in the past

        The Social Costs of Hindsight

        • The mind that makes up narratives about the past is a sense makingorgan When an unpredicted event occurs we immediately adjust our viewof the world to accommodate the surprise

          Imagine yourself before afootball game between 2 teams that have the same record of wins andlosses Now the game is over and 1 team trashed the other In yourrevised model of the world the winning team is much stronger than theloser and your view of the past as well as of the future has been altered bef?y that new perception Learning from surprises is a reasonable thing todo but it can have some dangerous consequences

          A general limitation of the human mind is its imperfect ability toreconstruct past states of knowledge or beliefs that have changed Onceyou adopt a new view of the world (or of any part of it) you immediatelylose much of your ability to recall what you used to believe before yourmind changed

          Many psychologists have studied what happens when people changetheir minds

          the participants report the opinion they held beforehand This taskturns out to be surprisingly difficult Asked to reconstruct their formerbeliefs people retrieve their current 1s instead—an instance ofsubstitution—and many cannot believe that they ever felt differently

          Your inability to reconstruct past beliefs will inevitably cause you tounderestimate the extent to which you were surprised by past events

        “I knew it all along” effect

        hindsight bias

        • Your inability to reconstruct past beliefs will inevitably cause you tounderestimate the extent to which you were surprised by past events Baruch Fischh off first demonstrated this “I knew it all along” effect orhindsight bias when he was a student in Jerusalem Together with RuthBeyth (another of our students) Fischh off conducted a survey beforePresident Richard Nixon visited China and Russia in Therespondents assigned probabilities to fifteen possible outcomes ofNixon’s diplomatic initiatives Would Mao Zedong agree to meet withNixon? Might the United States grant diplomatic recognition to China?After decades of enmity could the United States and the Soviet Unionagree on anything significant?

          After Nixon’s return from his travels Fischh off and Beyth asked thesame people to recall the probability that they had originally assigned toeach of the fifteen possible outcomes

          The results were clear If an eventhad actually occurred people exaggerated the probability that they hadassigned to it earlier If the possible event had not come to pass theparticipants err1ously recalled that they had always considered itunlikely

        Further experiments showed that people were driven to overstatethe accuracy not only of their original predictions but also of those made byothers

        Further experiments showed that people were driven to overstatethe accuracy not only of their original predictions but also of those made byothers

        Hindsight bias has pernicious effects on the evaluations of decisionmakers It leads observers to assess the quality of a decision not bywhether the process was sound but by whether its outcome was good orbad

        outcome bias

        • When the outcomes are bad the clients often blametheir agents for not seeing the handwriting on the wall—forgetting that itwas written in invisible ink that became legible only afterward

        Because adherence to standard operating procedures is difficult tosecond guess decision makers who expect to have their decisionsscrutinized with hindsight are driven to bureaucratic solutions—and to anextreme reluctance to take risks

        Recipes for Success

        Built to Last

        • The basic message of Built to Last and other similar books is that goodmanagerial practices can be identified and that good practices will berewarded by good results Both messages are overstated Thecomparison of firms that have been more or less successful is to asignificant extent a comparison between firms that have been more or lesslucky

        Speaking of Hindsight

        • “The mistake appears obvious but it is just hindsight You couldnot have known in advance ”

          “He’s learning too much from this success story which is too tidy He has fallen for a narrative fallacy ”

          “She has no evidence for saying that the firm is badly managed All she knows is that its stock has g1 down This is an outcomebias part hindsight and part halo effect ”

          “Let’s not fall for the outcome bias This was a stupid decisi1ven though it worked out well ”

    • Chapter 20 The Illusion of Validity
      • The Illusion of Validity

        System 1 is designed to jump to conclusions from little evidence—and it isnot designed to know the size of its jumps Because of WYSIATI only theevidence at hand counts Because of confidence by coherence thesubjective confidence we have in our opinions reflects the coherence of thestory that System 1 and System 2 have constructed The amount ofevidence and its quality do not count for much because poor evidence canmake a very good story For some of our most important beliefs we haveno evidence at all except that people we love and trust hold these beliefs Considering how little we know the confidence we have in our beliefs ispreposterous—and it is also essential

        “leaderless group challenge ”

        Eight candidates strangers to each other with all insignia ofrank removed and only numbered tags to identify them were instructed tolift a long log from the ground and haul it to a wall about six feet high Theentire group had to get to the other side of the wall without the log touchingeither the ground or the wall and without any1 touching the wall If any ofthese things happened they had to declare itsig?? T and start again

        The soldier who took over when the group was in trouble and led the teamover the wall was a leader at that moment

        The obvious best guess abouthow he would do in training or in combat was that he would be aseffective then as he had been at the wall Any other prediction seemedinconsistent with the evidence before our eyes

        The story was always the same: ourability to predict performance at the school was negligible Our forecastswere better than blind guesses but not by much

        the illusion of validity

        cognitive illusion

        Decades later I can see many of the central themes of my thinking—and ofthis book—in that old story Our expectations for the soldiers’ futureperformance were a clear instance of substitution and of therepresentativeness heuristic in particular Having observed 1 hour of asoldier’s behavior in an artificial situation we felt we knew how well hewould face the challenges of officer training and of leadership in combat

        Subjective confidence in a judgment is not a reas1d evaluation of theprobability that this judgment is correct

        Confidence is a feeling whichreflects the coherence of the information and the cognitive ease ofprocessing it It is wise to take admissions of uncertainty seriously butdeclarations of high confidence mainly tell you that an individual hasconstructed a coherent story in his mind not necessarily that the story istrue

        The Illusion of Stock Picking Skill

        role of judgment biases in investing

        • When yousell a stock
        • who buys it?”
        • What made 1 personbuy and the other sell?
        • What did the sellers think they knew that the buyersdid not?
        • The puzzle is why buyers and sellers alikethink that the current price is wrong
        • What makes them believe they knowmore about what the price should be than the market does?

        Many individual investors lose consistently by trading anachievement that a dart throwing chimp could not match

        • studying the trading records of brokerageaccounts

          identify allinstances in which an investor sold some of his holdings in 1 stock andsoon afterward bought another stock

          the investorrevealed that he (most of the investors were men) had a definite ideaabout the future of the 2 stocks:

          he expected the stock that he chose tobuy to do better than the stock he chose to sell

          The resultswere unequivocally bad

          On average the shares that individual traderssold did better than those they bought by a very substantial margin: percentage points per year above and beyond the significant costs ofexecuting the 2 trades

        conclusion

        • they showed that on average the most active tradershad the poorest results while the investors who traded the least earned thehighest returns

          men acted on their useless ideas significantly more often than women

          women achieved better investment results than men

          Individual investors like to lock in their gains by selling “winners ” stocksthat have appreciated since they were purchased and they hang on totheir losers

          recent winners tend to do better thanrecent losers in the short run so individuals sell the wrong stocks

          Theyalso buy the wrong stocks

          Individual investors predictably flock tocompanies that draw their attention because they are in the news

          Professional investors are more selective in responding to news

          Professional investors including fund managers fail a basic test of skill: persistent achievement

        The diagnostic for the existence of any skill is the consistency of individualdifferences in achievement

        The logic is simple: if individual differences inany 1 year are due entirely to luck the ranking of investors and funds willvary erratically and the year to year correlation will be zero

        Where there isskill however the rankings will be more stable The persistence ofindividual differences is the measure by which we confirm the existence ofskill among golfers car salespeople orthodontists or speedy tollcollectors on the turnpike

        for a large majority of fund managers the selectionof stocks is more like rolling dice than like playing poker

        the year to year correlation between the outcomes ofmutual funds is very small barely higher than zero

        The successful funds inany given year are mostly lucky; they have a good roll of the dice

        There isgeneral agreement among researchers that nearly all stock pickers whether they know it or not—and few of them do—are playing a game ofchance

        The subjective experience of traders is that they are makingsensible educated guesses in a situation of great uncertainty

        In highlyefficient markets however educated guesses are no more accurate thanblind guesses

        illusion offinancial skill

        • to rank the advisers by their performance in each year andto determine whether there were persistent differences in skill among them

          whether the same advisers consistently achieved better returns fortheir clients year after year

          To answer the question I computed correlation coefficients between therankings in each pair of years: year with year year with year andso on up through year with year That yielded correlationcoefficients 1 for each pair of years I knew the theory and wasprepared to find weak evidence of persistence of skill Still I was surprisedto find that the average of the correlations was In other words zero

          The consistent correlations that would indicate differences in skill were notto be found The results resembled what you would expect from a dicerollingcontest not a game of skill

          quickly became clear however that no 1 expected theaverage correlation to be zero

          Our message to the executives was that at least when it came tobuilding portfolios the firm was rewarding luck as if it were skill

          The illusion of skill is not only an individual aberration; itis deeply ingrained in the culture of the industry

          Their own experience of exercising carefuljudgment on complex problems was far more compelling to them than anobscure statistical fact

        What Supports the Illusions of Skill and Validity?

        • Cognitive illusions can be more stubborn than visual illusions

          The most potent psychological cause of the illusion is certainly that thepeople who pick stocks are exercising high level skills

          They consulteconomic data and forecasts

          they examine income statements andbalance sheets

          they evaluate the quality of top management

          theyassess the competition

          Unfortunately skill in evaluating thebusiness prospects of a firm is not sufficient for successful stock trading

          subjective confidence of traders is a feeling not a judgment

          the illusions of validity and skill are supported by a powerfulprofessional culture We know that people can maintain an unshakablefaith in any proposition however absurd when they are sustained by acommunity of like minded believers Given the professional culture of thefinancial community it is not surprising that large numbers of individuals inthat world believe themselves to be among the chosen few who can dowhat they believe others cannot

        The Illusions of Pundits

        • The idea that the future is unpredictable is undermined every day by theease with which the past is explained

          our tendency to construct and believe coherent narratives ofthe past makes it difficult for us to accept the limits of our forecastingability

          Everything makes sense in hindsight a fact that financial punditsexploit every evening as they offer convincing accounts of the day’s even

          And we cannot suppress the powerful intuition that what makes sense inhindsight today was predictable yesterday

          The illusion that we understandthe past fosters overconfidence in our ability to predict the future

          Expert Political Judgment: How Good Is It?How Can We Know?

          Tetlock interviewed people who made their living “commenting oroffering advice on political and economic trends ” He asked them toassess the probabilities that certain events would occur in the not toodistant future both in areas of the world in which they specialized and inregions about which they had less knowledge Would Gorbachev beousted in a coup? Would the United States go to war in the Persian Gulf?Which country would become the next big emerging market? In all Tetlockgathered more than predictions He also asked the experts howthey reached their conclusions how they reacted when proved wrong andhow they evaluated evidence that did not support their positions Respondents were asked to rate the probabilities of three alternativeoutcomes in every case: the persistence of the status quo more ofsomething such as political freedom or economic growth or less of thatthing

          The results were devastating The experts performed worse than theywould have if they had simply assigned equal probabilities to each of thethree potential outcomes In other words people who spend their time andearn their living studying a particular topic produce poorer predictions thandart throwing monkeys who would have distributed their choices evenlyover the options Even in the region they knew best experts were notsignificantly better than nonspecialists

          Those who know more forecast very slightly better than those who knowless But those with the most knowledge are often less reliable

          The reasonis that the person who acquires more knowledge develops an enhancedillusion of her skill and becomes unrealistically overconfident

          Those who know more forecast very slightly better than those who knowless But those with the most knowledge are often less reliable The reasonis that the person who acquires more knowledge develops an enhancedillusion of her skill and becomes unrealistically overconfident “We reachthe point of diminishing marginal predictive returns for knowledgedisconcertingly quickly ” Tetlock writes “In this age of academichyperspecialization there is no reason for supposing that contributors totop journals—distinguished political scientists area study specialists economists and so on—are any better than journalists or attentive readerso f The New York Times in ‘reading&#oul ; emerging situations ”

          The more famous the forecaster Tetlock discovered the more flamboyantthe forecasts “Experts in demand ” he writes “were more overconfidentthan their colleagues who eked out existences far from the limelight ”

          Tetlock also found that experts resisted admitting that they had beenwrong and when they were compelled to admit error they had a largecollection of excuses: they had been wrong only in their timing anunforeseeable event had intervened or they had been wrong but for theright reasons

          Experts are just human in the end They are dazzled by theirown brilliance and hate to be wrong

          Experts are led astray not by whatthey believe but by how they think says Tetlock

          “The Hedgehog and the Fox ”

          • “The Hedgehog and the Fox ”Hedgehogs “know 1 big thing” and have a theory about the world; theyaccount for particular events within a coherent framework bristle withimpatience toward those who don’t see things their way and are confidentin their forecasts They are also especially reluctant to admit error Forhedgehogs a failed prediction is almost always “off only on timing” or “verynearly right ” They are opinionated and clear which is exactly whattelevision producers love to see on programs 2 hedgehogs on differentsides of an issue each attacking the idiotic ideas of the adversary makefor a good show
            • Foxes by contrast are complex thinkers They don’t believe that 1 bigthing drives the march of history (for example they are unlikely to acceptthe view that Ronald Reagan single handedly ended the cold war bystanding tall against the Soviet Union) Instead the foxes recognize thatreality emerges from the interactions of many different agents and forces including blind luck often producing large and unpredictable outcomes Itwas the foxes who scored best in Tetlock’s study although theirperformance was still very poor They are less likely than hedgehogs to beinvited to participate in television debates

        It is Not the Experts’ Fault—The World is Difficult

        The main point of this chapter is not that people who attempt to predict thefuture make many errors; that goes without saying

        • The first lesson is thaterrors of prediction are inevitable because the world is unpredictable

          Thesecond is that high subjective confidence is not to be trusted as anindicator of accuracy (low confidence could be more informative)

          Short term trends can be forecast and behavior and achievements canbe predicted with fair accuracy from previous behaviors andachievements

          But we should not expect performance in officer trainingand in combat to be predictable from behavior on an obstacle field—behavior both on the test and in the real world is determined by manyfactors that are specific to the particular situation

          Remove 1 highlyassertive member from a group of eight candidates and every1 else’spersonalities will appear to change

          Let a sniper’s bullet move by a fewcentimeters and the performance of an officer will be transformed

          do notdeny the validity of all tests—if a test predicts an important outcome with avalidity of or the test should be used But you should not expectmore

          You should expect little or nothing from Wall Street stock pickerswho hope to be more accurate than the market in predicting the future ofprices

          And you should not expect much from pundits making long termforecasts—although they may have valuable insights into the near future The line that separates the possibly predictable future from theunpredictable distant future is in yet to be drawn

        Speaking of Illusory Skill

        • “He knows that the record indicates that the development of thisillness is mostly unpredictable How can he be so confident in thiscase? Sounds like an illusion of validity ”

          “She has a coherent story that explains all she knows and thecoherence makes her feel good ”

          “What makes him believe that he is smarter than the market? Isthis an illusion of skill?”

          “She is a hedgehog She has a theory that explains everything and it gives her the illusion that she understands the world ”

          “The question is not whether these experts are well trained It iswhether their world is predictable ”

    • Chapter 21 Intuitions Vs Formulas
      • Intuitions vs Formulas
        • % of the studies have shown significantly betteraccuracy for the algorithms

        The other comparisons scored a draw inaccuracy but a tie is tantamount to a win for the statistical rules which arenormally much less expensive to use than expert judgment

        The range of predicted outcomes has expanded to cover medicalvariables such as

        • the longevity of cancer patients
        • the length of hospitalstays the diagnosis of cardiac disease
        • the susceptibility of babies tosudden infant death syndrome;
        • economic measures such as the prospectsof success for new businesses
        • the evaluation of credit risks by banks
        • the future career satisfaction of workers
        • questions of interest togovernment agencies
        • the odds of recidivism among juvenile offenders
        • thelikelihood of other forms of violent behavior
        • the evaluation of scientific presentations
        • the winners of footballgames
        • the future prices of Bordeaux wine

        Each of these domainsentails a significant degree of uncertainty and unpredictability Wedescribe them as “low validity environments ” In every case the accuracyof experts was matched or exceeded by a simple algorithm

        power of simple statistics to outdo worldrenownedexperts

        Ashenfelter converted that conventional knowledge into astatistical formula that predicts the price of a wine—for a particularproperty and at a particular age—by three features of the weather: theaverage temperature over the summer growing season the amount of rainat harvest time and the total rainfall during the previous winter

        Why are experts inferior to algorithms?

        experts try to be clever think outside the box andconsider complex combinations of features in making their predictions

        Complexity may work in the odd case but more often than not it reducesvalidity

        Simple combinations of features are better Several studies haveshown that human decision makers are inferior to a prediction formulaeven when they are given the score suggested by the formula

        They feelthat they can overrule the formula because they have additional informationabout the case but they are wrong more often than not

        “broken leg rule”

        can overrule the formula because they have additional informationabout the case but they are wrong more often than not According toMeehl there are few circumstances under which it is a good idea tosubstitute judgment for a formula In a famous thought experiment hedescribed a formula that predicts whether a particular person will go to themovies tonight and noted that it is proper to disregard the formula ifinformation is received that the individual broke a leg today The name“broken leg rule” has stuck The point of course is that broken legs arevery rare—as well as decisive

        Another reason for the inferiority of expert judgment is that humans areincorrigibly inconsistent in making summary judgments of complexinformation

        When asked to evaluate the same information twice theyfrequently give different answers

        Experienced radiologists who evaluate chest Xraysas “normal” or “abnormal” contradict themselves % of the timewhen they see the same picture on separate occasions

        be valid predictors of anything The widespread inconsistency is probably due to the extreme contextdependency of System 1 We know from studies of priming that unnoticedstimuli in our environment have a substantial influence on our thoughts andactions These influences fluctuate from moment to moment The briefpleasure of a cool breeze on a hot day may make you slightly morepositive and optimistic about whatever you are evaluating at the time Theprospects of a convict being granted parole may change significantlyduring the time that elapses between successive food breaks in the parolejudges’ schedule Because you have little direct knowledge of what goeson in your mind you will never know that you might have made a differentjudgment or reached a different decision under very slightly differentcircumstances

        Formulas do not suffer from such problems Given thesame input they always return the same answer When predictability ispoor

        to maximize predictiveaccuracy final decisions should be left to formulas especially in lowvalidityenvironments

        marital stability

        frequency of lovemaking minus frequency of quarrelsYou don’t want your result to be a negative number

        infant who is not breathing normally within a fewminutes of birth is at high risk of brain damage or death

        A classic application of this approach is a simple algorithm that hassaved the lives of hundreds of thousands of infants Obstetricians hadalways known that an infant who is not breathing normally within a fewminutes of birth is at high risk of brain damage or death Until theanesthesiologist Virginia Apgar intervened in physicians andmidwives used their clinical judgment to determine whether a baby was indistress Different practiti1rs focused on different cues Some watchedfor breathing problems while others monitored how soon the baby cried Without a standardized procedure danger signs were often missed andmany newborn infants died

        five variables

        • (heart rate
        • respiration
        • reflex
        • muscle t1
        • color
        • three scores ( or

        A babywith a total score of or above was likely to be pink squirming crying grimacing with a pulse of or more—in good shape

        A baby with ascore of or below was probably bluish flaccid passive with a slow orweak pulse—in need of immediate intervention

        checklists and simple rules

        The Hostility to Algorithms

        • However the line between what clinicianscan do well and what they cannot do at all well is not obvious and certainlynot obvious to them

          They know they are skilled but they don’t necessarilyknow the boundaries of their skill

          the idea that amechanical combination of a few variables could outperform the subtlecomplexity of human judgment strikes experienced clinicians as obviouslywrong

          The debate about the virtues of clinical and statistical prediction hasalways had a moral dimension The statistical method Meehl wrote wascriticized by experienced clinicians as “mechanical atomistic additive cutand dried artificial unreal arbitrary incomplete dead pedantic fractionated trivial forced static superficial rigid sterile academic pseudoscientific and blind ” The clinical method on the other hand waslauded by its prop1nts as “dynamic global meaningful holistic subtle sympathetic configural patterned organized rich deep genuine sensitive sophisticated real living concrete natural true to life andunderstanding ”

          This is an attitude we can all recognize When a human competes with amachine whether it is John Henry a hammerin’ on the mountain or thechess genius Garry Kasparov facing off against the computer Deep Blue our sympathies lie with our fellow human

          The aversion to algorithmsmaking decisions that affect humans is rooted in the strong preference thatmany people have for the ormnatural over the synthetic or artificial

          Askedwhether they would rather eat an organic or a commercially grown apple most people prefer the “all natural” 1 Even after being informed that the2 apples taste the same have identical nutritional value and are equallyhealthful a majority still prefer the organic fruit Even the producers of beerhave found that they can increase sales by putting “All Natural” or “NoPreservatives” on the label

        Learning from Meehl

        simple statisticalrules are superior to intuitive “clinical” judgments

        we should abandon the procedure inwhich the interviewers’ global evaluations of the recruit determined the finaldecisio

        we should abandon the procedure inwhich the interviewers’ global evaluations of the recruit determined the finaldecisio

        Speaking of Judges vs Formulas

        • “Whenever we can replace human judgment by a formula weshould at least consider it ”

          “He thinks his judgments are complex and subtle but a simplecombination of scores could probably do better ”

          “Let’s decide in advance what weight to give to the data we haveon the candidates’ past performance Otherwise we will give toomuch weight to our impression from the interviews ”

    • Chapter 22 Expert Intuition: When Can We Trust It?
      • Expert Intuition: When Can We Trust It?

        Professional controversies bring out the worst in academics Scientificjournals occasionally publish exchanges often beginning with some1’scritique of another’s research followed by a reply and a rejoinder I havealways thought that these exchanges are a waste of time

        The replies rarely concede anything to a biting critique and it isalmost unheard of for a rejoinder to admit that the original critique wasmisguided or err1ous in any way

        “adversarial collaborations ”

        • “adversarial collaborations ” inwhich scholars who disagree on the science agree to write a jointlyauthored paper on their differences and sometimes conduct researchtogether In especially tense situations the research is moderated by anarbiter

        students of Naturalistic Decision Making

        mostly work inorganizations where the” %? ty often study how experts work

        When can you trust anexperienced professional who claims to have an intuition?

        Marvels and Flaws

        Intuition as Recognition

        recognition primed decision (RPD)

        • The process involves both System 1 and System 2 In the first phase atentative plan comes to mind by an automatic function of associativememory—System 1

          The next phase is a deliberate process in which theplan is mentally simulated to check if it will work—an operation of System

        intuition

        • “The situation has provided a cue; thiscue has given the expert access to information stored in memory and theinformation provides the answer Intuition is nothing more and nothing lessthan recognition ”

          the mystery of knowing without knowing is not adistinctive feature of intuition; it is the norm of mental life

        Acquiring Skill

        The Environment of Skill

        • the confidence that people have in their intuitions is not a reliableguide to their validity In other words do not trust any1—includingyourself—to tell you how much you should trust their judgment

          If subjective confidence is not to be trusted how can we evaluate theprobable validity of an intuitive judgment

          When do judgments reflect trueexpertise?

          When do they display an illusion of validity?

        The answer comesfrom the 2 basic conditions for acquiring a skill:

        • an environment that is sufficiently regular to be predictable
        • an opportunity to learn these regularities through prolonged practice

        Feedback and Practice

        • Some regularities in the environment are easier to discover and apply thanothers Think of how you developed your style of using the brakes on yourcar As you were mastering the skill of taking curves you gradually learnedwhen to let go of the accelerator and when and how hard to use the brakes

          Expertise is not a single skill; it is a collection of skills and the sameprofessional may be highly expert in some of the tasks in her domain whileremaining a novice in others

        Evaluating Validity

        When can you trust an experienced professional whoclaims to have an intuition?

        Our conclusion was that for the most part it ispossible to distinguish intuitions that are likely to be valid from those thatare likely to be bogus As in the judgment of whether a work of art isgenuine or a fake you will usually do better by focusing on its provenancethan by looking at the piece itself If the environment is sufficiently regularand if the judge has had a chance to learn its regularities the associativemachinery will recognize situations and generate quick and accuratepredictions and decisions You can trust some1’s intuitions if theseconditions are met

        Speaking of Expert Intuition

        • “How much expertise does she have in this particular task? Howmuch practice has she had?”

          “Does he really believe that the environment of start ups issufficiently regular to justify an intuition that goes against the baserates?”

          “She is very confident in her decision but subjective confidenceis a poor index of the accuracy of a judgment ”

          “Did he really have an opportunity to learn? How quick and howclear was the feedback he received on his judgments?”

    • Chapter 23 The Outside View
      • The Outside View
        • judgment and decision making

          no connection in his mind between hisknowledge of the history of other teams and his forecast of our future

          learned three lessons

          The first was immediately apparent: I had stumbled onto a distinctionbetween 2 profoundly different approaches to forecasting which Amosand I later labeled the inside view and the outside view

          The second lessonwas that our initial forecasts of about 2 years for the completion of theproject exhibited a planning fallacy Our estimates were closer to a bestcasescenario than to a realistic assessment

          third lesson which I call irrational perseverance: the folly we displayed thatday in failing to abandon the project Facing a choice we gave uprationality rather than give up the enterprise

      • Drawn to the Inside View
        • focused on our specific circumstances andsearched for evidence in our own experiences

          We had a sketchy plan: weknew how many chapters we were going to write and we had an idea ofhow long it had taken us to write the 2 that we had already d1 Themore cautious among us probably added a few months to their estimateas a margin of error

          Extrapolating was a mistake We were forecasting based on theinformation in front of us—WYSIATI—but the chapters we wrote first wereprobably easier than others and our commitment to the project wasprobably then at its peak

          But the main problem was that we failed to allowfor what Donald Rumsfeld famously called the “unknown unknowns ”

          Therewas no way for us to foresee that day the succession of events that wouldcause the project to drag out for so long The divorces the illnesses thecrises of coordination with bureaucracies that delayed the work could notbe anticipated Such events not only cause the writing of chapters to slowdown they also produce long periods during which little or no progress ismade at all

      • The Planning Fallacy
        • overly optimistic forecastsof the outcome of projects are found everywhere
        • are unrealistically close to best case scenarios
        • could be improved by consulting the statistics of similar cases
      • Mitigating the Planning Fallacy
      • Decisions and Errors
        • When forecasting the outcomes of risky projects executives too easilyfall victim to the planning fallacy In its grip they make decisions based ondelusional optimism rather than on a rational weighting of gains losses and probabilities
      • Failing a Test
      • Speaking of the Outside View
        • “He’s taking an inside view He should forget about his own caseand look for what happened in other cases ”

          “She is the victim of a planning fallacy She’s assuming a bestcasescenario but there are too many different ways for the planto fail and she cannot foresee them all ”

          “Suppose you did not know a thing about this particular legalcase only that it involves a malpractice claim by an individualagainst a surgeon What would be your baseline prediction? Howmany of these cases succeed in court? How many settle? Whatare the amounts? Is the case we are discussing stronger orweaker than similar claims?”

          We are making an additional investment because we do notwant to admit failure This is an instance of the sunk cost fallacy ”

    • Chapter 24 The Engine of Capitalism
      • The Engine of Capitalism

        Optimists

        Entrepreneurial Delusions

        1 of the benefits of an optimistic temperament is that it encouragespersistence in the face of obstacles

        OverconfidenceFor

        Overconfidence isanother manifestation of WYSIATI: when we estimate a quantity we rely oninformation that comes to mind and construct a coherent story in which theestimate makes sense Allowing for the information that does not come tomind—perhaps because 1 never knew it—is impossible

        The Premortem: A Partial Remedy

        Speaking of Optimism

        • “They have an illusion of control They seriously underestimate theobstacles ”
        • “They seem to suffer from an acute case of competitor neglect ”
        • “This is a case of overconfidence They seem to believe theyknow more than they actually do know ”
        • “We should conduct a premortem session Some1 may comeup with a threat we have neglected ”
  • Part IV Choices
    • Chapter 25 Bernoulli’s Errors
      • Bernoulli’s Errors

        Prospect Theory: An Analysis of Decision under Risk

        Our theory was closely modeled on utility theory but departed from it infundamental ways Most important our model was purely descriptive andits goal was to document and explain systematic violations of the axiomsof rationality in choices between gambles

        As in Fechner’s law the psychological response to a change of wealthis inversely proportional to the initial amount of wealth leading to theconclusion that utility is a logarithmic function of wealth If this function isaccurate the same psychological distance separates $ from $million and $ million from $ million

        Bernoulli observed that most people dislike risk (the chance of receivingthe lowest possible outcome) and if they are offered a choice between athe lowest possible outcome) and if they are offered a choice between agamble and an amount equal to its expected value they will pick the surething

        psychophysics

        psychophysics to explain this aversion to risk His idea wasstraightforward: people’s choices are based not on dollar values but on thepsychological values of outcomes their utilities The psychological value ofa gamble is therefore not the weighted average of its possible dollaroutcomes; it is the average of the utilities of these outcomes eachweighted by its probability

        Bernoulli’s insight was thata decision maker with diminishing marginal utility for wealth will be riskaverse

        expected utility

        “moral expectation”

        Bernoulli’s essay is a marvel of concise brilliance He applied his newconcept of expected utility (which he called “moral expectation”) tocompute how much a merchant in St Petersburg would be willing to pay toinsure a shipment of spice from Amsterdam if “he is well aware of the factthat at this time of year of 1 hundred ships which sail from Amsterdam toPetersburg five are usually lost ” His utility function explained why poorpeople buy insurance and why richer people sell it to them As you can seein the table the loss of million causes a loss of points of utility (from to ) to some1 who has million and a much larger loss of points (from to ) to some1 who starts off with million

        The poorerman will happily pay a premium to transfer the risk to the richer 1 whichis what insurance is about

        St Petersburg paradox

        “St Petersburg paradox ” in which people who are offered a gamble thathas infinite expected value (in ducats) are willing to spend only a fewducats for it Most impressive his analysis of risk attitudes in terms ofpreferences for wealth has stood the test of time: it is still current ineconomic analysis almost years later

        Today Jack and Jill each have a wealth of million Yesterday Jack had million and Jill had million Are they equally happy? (Do they have the same utility?)

        Bernoulli’s theory assumes that the utility of their wealth is what makespeople more or less happy Jack and Jill have the same wealth and thetheory therefore asserts that they should be equally happy but you do notneed a degree in psychology to know that today Jack is elated and Jilldespondent Indeed we know that Jack would be a great deal happierthan Jill even if he had only million today while she has So Bernoulli’stheory must be wrong

        The happiness that Jack and Jill experience is determined by the recentchange in their wealth relative to the different states of wealth that definetheir reference points ( million for Jack million for Jill)

        This referencedependence is ubiquitous in sensation and perception The same soundwill be experienced as very loud or quite faint depending on whether it waspreceded by a whisper or by a roar

        Anthony (who currently owns million): “If I choose the sure thing my wealth will double with certainty This is very attractive Alternatively I can take a gamble with equal chances toquadruple my wealth or to gain nothing ”

        Betty (who currently owns million): “If I choose the sure thing Ilose half of my wealth with certainty which is awful Alternatively Ican take a gamble with equal chances to lose three quarters ofmy wealth or to lose nothing ”

        You can sense that Anthony and Betty are likely to make differentchoices because the sure thing option of owning million makes Anthonyhappy and makes Betty miserable Note also how the sure outcome differsfrom the worst outcome of the gamble: for Anthony it is the differencebetween doubling his wealth and gaining nothing; for Betty it is thedifference between losing half her wealth and losing three quarters of it Betty is much more likely to take her chances as others do when facedwith very bad option

        neither Anthony nor Bettythinks in terms of states of wealth:

        Anthony thinks of gains and Betty thinksof losses

        The psychological outcomes they assess are entirely different although the possible states of wealth they face are the same

        theory induced blindness

        • The mystery is how a conception of the utility of outcomes that isvulnerable to such obvious counterexamples survived for so long I canexplain it only by a weakness of the scholarly mind that I have oftenobserved in myself I call it theory induced blindness

          once you haveaccepted a theory and used it as a tool in your thinking it is extraordinarilydifficult to notice its flaws If you come upon an observation that does notseem to fit the model you assume that there must be a perfectly goodexplanation that you are somehow missing

          You give the theory the benefitof the doubt trusting the community of experts who have accepted it Manyscholars have surely thought at 1 time or another of stories such asthose of Anthony and Betty or Jack and Jill and casually noted that thesestories did not jibe with utility theory

          But they did not pursue the idea to thepoint of saying “This theory is seriously wrong because it ignores the factthat utility depends on the history of 1’s wealth not only on presentwealth ”

          disbelieving is hardwork and System 2 is easily tired

        Speaking of Bernoulli’s Errors

        • “He was very happy with a $ bonus three years ago buthis salary has g1 up by % since so he will need a higherbonus to get the same utility ”

          “Both candidates are willing to accept the salary we’re offering but they won’t be equally satisfied because their reference pointsare different She currently has a much higher salary ”

          “She’s suing him for alimony She would actually like to settle buthe prefers to go to court That’s not surprising—she can onlygain so she’s risk averse He on the other hand faces optionsthat are all bad so he’d rather take the risk ”

    • Chapter 26 Prospect Theory
      • Prospect Theory

        Recent developmentsin psychophysical theory suggested that if you want to study the subjectivevalue of wealth you shou Clth”ld ask direct questions about wealth notabout changes of wealth I did not know enough about utility theory to beblinded by respect for it and I was puzzled

        economist HarryMarkowitz who would later earn the Nobel Prize for his work on finance had proposed a theory in which utilities were attached to changes ofwealth rather than to states of wealth

        The idea of derivingattitudes to small changes from the utility of wealth now seemedindefensible You know you have made a theoretical advance when youcan no longer reconstruct why you failed for so long to see the obvious

        utility theory

        • In utility theory the utility of a gain is assessed by comparing the utilitiesof 2 states of wealth For example the utility of getting an extra $ when your wealth is $ million is the difference between the utility of$ and the utility of $ million

          In Bernoulli’s theory you need to know only the state of wealth todetermine its utility but in prospect theory you also need to know thereference state

        Prospect theory is therefore more complex than utilitytheory

        three cognitive features at the heartof prospect theory

        • Evaluation is relative to a neutral reference point which issometimes referred to as an “adaptation level
          • You can easily set upa compelling demonstration of this principle Place three bowls ofwater in front of you Put ice water into the left hand bowl and warmwater into the right hand bowl The water in the middle bowl shouldbe at room temperature Immerse your hands in the cold and warmwater for about a minute then dip both in the middle bowl You willexperience the same temperature as heat in 1 hand and cold inthe other For financial outcomes the usual reference point is thestatus quo but it can also be the outcome that you expect orperhaps the outcome to which you feel entitled for example theraise or bonus that your colleagues receive Outcomes that arebetter than the reference points are gains Below the reference pointthey are losses

          A principle of diminishing sensitivity applies to both sensorydimensions and the evaluation of changes of wealth

          • Turning on aweak light has a large effect in a dark room The same increment oflight may be undetectable in a brightly illuminated room Similarly thesubjective difference between $ and $ is much smaller thanthe difference between $ and $

          The third principle is loss aversion

          • When directly compared orweighted against each other losses loom larger than gains Thisasymmetry between the power of positive and negative expectationsor experiences has an evolutionary history Organisms that treatthreats as more urgent than opportunities have a better chance tosurvive and reproduce

        Loss Aversion

        • Many of the options we face in life are “mixed”: there is a risk of loss andan opportunity for gain and we must decide whether to accept the gambleor reject it Investors who evaluate a start up lawyers who wonder whetherto file a lawsuit wartime generals who consider an offensive andpoliticians who must decide whether to run for office all face thepossibilities of victory or defeat For an elementary example of a mixedprospect examine your reaction to the next question

          Problem : You are offered a gamble on the toss of a coin If the coin shows tails you lose $ If the coin shows heads you win $ Is this gamble attractive? Would you accept it?

          There is no contradiction In the mixed case the possible loss looms twiceas large as the possible gain as you can see by comparing the slopes ofthe value function for losses and gains In the bad case the bending of thevalue curve (diminishing sensitivity) causes risk seeking The pain of losing$ is more than % of the pain of losing $ These 2 insightsare the essence of prospect theory

          the behavioral economist Matthew Rabin finallyproved mathematically that attempts to explain loss aversion by the utility ofwealth are absurd and doomed to fail and his proof attracted attention Rabin’s theorem shows that any1 who rejects a favorable gamble withsmall stakes is mathematically committed to a foolish level of risk aversionfor some larger gamble For example he notes that most Humans rejectthe following gamble

          • % chance to lose $ and % chance to win $

          an individual who rejects thatgamble will also turn down the following gamble:

          • % chance to lose $ and % chance to win $

        Blind Spots pf Prospect Theory

        • The standard concepts and results thatundergraduates are taught are most easily explained by assuming thatEcons do not make foolish mistakes

          Humans described by prospect theory are guided by theimmediate emotional impact of gains and losses not by long termprospects of wealth and global utility

          Prospect theory has flaws

          Consider the assumption of prospect theory that the reference point usually the status quo has a value of zero This assumption seemsreasonable but it leads to some absurd consequences Have a good lookat the following prospects What would it be like to own them?

          A 1 chance in a million to win $ million

          B % chance to win $ and % chance to win nothing

          C % chance to win $ million and % chance to win nothing

          Winning nothing is a possible outcome in all three gambles and prospecttheory assigns the same value to that outcome in the three cases Winningnothing is the reference point and its value is zero Do these statementscorrespond to your experience? Of course not Winning nothing is an1vent in the first 2 cases and assigning it a value of zero makesgood sense In contrast failing to win in the third scenario is intenselydisappointing Like a salary increase that has been promised informally the high probability of winning the large sum sets up a tentative newreference point Relative to your expectations winning nothing will beexperienced as a large loss Prospect theory cannot cope with this fact because it does not allow the value of an outcome (in this case winningnothing) to change when it is highly unlikely or when the alternative is veryvaluable

          prospect theory cannot deal withdisappointment

          Disappointment and the anticipation of disappointmentare real

          Prospect theory and utility theory also fail to allow for regret

          Problem : Choose between % chance to win $ million OR$ with certainty

          Problem : Choose between % chance to win $ million OR$ with certainty

          Compare the anticipated pain of choosing the gamble and not winning inthe 2 cases Failing to win is a disappointment in both but the potentialpain is compounded in problem by knowing that if you choose thegamble and lose you will regret the “greedy” decision you made byspurning a sure gift of $ In regret the experience of an outcomedepends on an option you could have adopted but did not

          Several economists and psychologists have proposed models ofdecision making that are based on the emotions of regret anddisappointment

          It is fair to say that these models have had less influencethan prospect theory and the reason is instructive The emotions of regretand disappointment are real and decision makers surely anticipate theseemotions when making their choices The problem is that regret theoriesmake few striking predictions that would distinguish them from prospecttheory which has the advantage of being simpler

          Scientists use theories as a bag of working tools and they willnot take on the burden of a heavier bag unless the new tools are veryuseful Prospect theory was accepted by many scholars not because it is“true” but because the concepts that it added to utility theory notably thereference point and loss aversion were worth the trouble; they yielded newpredictions that turned out to be true We were lucky

        Speaking of Prospect Theory

        • “He suffers from extreme loss aversion which makes him turn down veryfavorable opportunities ”
        • “Considering her vast wealth her emotional response to trivial gains andlosses makes no sense ”
        • “He weighs losses about twice as much as gains which is normal ”
    • Chapter 27 The Endowment Effect
      • The Endowment Effect
        • Students learn in introductory economics classes that each point on themap specifies a particular combination of income and vacation days Each“indifference curve” connects the combinations of the 2 goods that areequally desirable—they have the same utility

          The curves would turn intoparallel straight lines if people were willing to “sell” vacation days for extraincome at the same price regardless of how much income and how muchvacation time they have

          The convex shape indicates diminishing marginalutility: the more leisure you have the less you care for an extra day of it and each added day is worth less than the 1 before

          Similarly the moreincome you have the less you care for an extra dollar and the amount youare willing to give up for an extra day of leisure increases

          Albert and Ben

          To appreciate the power that the reference point exerts on choices consider Albert and Ben “hedonic twins” who have identical tastes andcurrently hold identical starting jobs with little income and little leisure time Their current circumstances correspond to the point marked in figure The firm offers them 2 improved positions A and B and lets themdecide who will get a raise of $ (position A) and who will get anextra day of paid vacation each month (position B) As they are bothindifferent they toss a coin Albert gets the raise Ben gets the extraleisure Some time passes as the twins get accustomed to their positions Now the company suggests they may switch jobs if they wish

          The standard theory represented in the figure assumes that preferencesare stable over time Positions A and B are equally attractive for both twinsand they will need little or no incentive to switch In sharp contrast prospecttheory asserts that both twins will definitely prefer to remain as they are This preference for the status quo is a consequence of loss aversion

          Go to A: a raise of $ ORGo to B: extra days of vacation

          You just had the subjective experience of loss aversion You could feel it: asalary cut of $ is very bad news Even if a gain of vacation dayswas as impressive as a gain of $ the same improvement of leisureis not sufficient to compensate for a loss of $ Albert will stay at Abecause the disadvantage of moving outweighs the advantage The samereasoning applies to Ben who will also want to keep his present jobbecause the loss of now precious leisure outweighs the benefit of the extraincome

          model of indifference curves does not predict

          First tastes arenot fixed; they vary with the reference point

          Second the disadvantages ofa change loom larger than its advantages inducing a bias that favors thestatus quo

          Conventional indifference maps and Bernoulli’s representation ofoutcomes as states of wealth share a mistaken assumption: that your utilityfor a state of affairs depends only on that state and is not affected by yourhistory Correcting that mistake has been 1 of the achievements ofbehavioral economics

      • The Endowment Effect
        • The question of when an approach or a movement got its start is oftendifficult to answer but the origin of what is now known as behavioraleconomics can be specified precisely

          Richard Thaler found many examples of what he called the endowmenteffect especially for goods that are not regularly traded You can easilyimagine yourself in a similar situation Suppose you hold a ticket to a soldoutconcert by a popular band which you bought at the regular price of$ You are an avid fan and would have been willing to pay up to $ for the ticket Now you have your ticket and you learn on the Internet thatricher or more desperate fans are offering $ Would you sell? If youresemble most of the audience at sold out events you do not sell Yourlowest selling price is above $ and your maximum buying price is$ This is an example of an endowment effect and a believer instandard economic theory would be puzzled by it Thaler was looking for anaccount that could explain puzzles of this kind

      • Thinking Like a Trader
        • The fundamental ideas of prospect theory are that reference points exist and that losses loom larger than corresponding gains

          No endowment effect is expected when owners view their goods ascarriers of value for future exchanges a widespread attitude in routinecommerce and in financial markets

          experimental economist JohnList who has studied trading at baseball card conventions found thatnovice traders were reluctant to part with the cards they owned but that thisreluctance eventually disappeared with trading experience

          decision making under poverty

          Recent studies of the psychology of “decision making under poverty”suggest that the poor are another group in which we do not expect to findthe endowment effect Being poor in prospect theory is living below 1’sthe endowment effect Being poor in prospect theory is living below 1’sreference point

          People who are poor think like traders but the dynamics are quitedifferent Unlike traders the poor are not indifferent to the differencesbetween gaining and giving up Their problem is that all their choices arebetween losses M1y that is spent on 1 good is the loss of anothergood that could have been purchased instead For the poor costs arelosses

      • Speaking Of The Endowment Effect
        • “She didn’t care which of the 2 offices she would get but a dayafter the announcement was made she was no longer willing totrade Endowment effect!”

          “These negotiations are going nowhere because both sides findit difficult to make concessions even when they can getsomething in return Losses loom larger than gains ”

          “When they raised their prices demand dried up ”

          “He just hates the idea of selling his house for less m1y than hepaid for it Loss aversion is at work ”

          “He is a miser and treats any dollar he spends as a loss ”

    • Chapter 28 Bad Events
      • Bad Events
        • The concept of loss aversion is certainly the most significant contribution ofpsychology to behavioral economics

        Negativity Dominance

        The brains of humans and other animals contain amechanism that is designed to give priority to bad news By shaving a fewhundredths of a second from the time needed to detect a predator thiscircuit improves the animal’s odds of living long enough to reproduce Theautomatic operations of System 1 reflect this evolutionary history

        Nocomparably rapid mechanism for recognizing good news has beendetected

        The brain responds quickly even to purely symbolic threats Emotionallyloaded words quickly attract attention and bad words (war crime) attractattention faster than do happy words (peace love)

        There is no real threat but the mere reminder of a bad event is treated in System 1 asthreatening

        The sensitivity to threats extends to the processing of statements ofopinions with which we strongly disagree

        The psychologist Paul Rozin an expert on disgust observed that asingle cockroach will completely wreck the appeal of a bowl of cherries but a cherry will do nothing at all for a bowl of cockroaches

        the negative trumps the positive in many ways and loss aversion is1 of many manifestations of a broad negativity dominance

        Bad Is Stronger Than Good

        “Bad emotions bad parents and bad feedback havemore impact than good 1s and bad information is processed morethoroughly than good The self is more motivated to avoid bad selfdefinitionsthan to pursue good 1s

        Bad impressions and badstereotypes are quicker to form and more resistant to disconfirmation thangood 1s ” They

        long term success of a relationshipdepends far more on avoiding the negative than on seeking the positive

        a stable relationship requires Brro Qres Brrthatgood interactions outnumber bad interactions by at least to

        Goals are Reference Points

        Loss aversion refers to the relative strength of 2 motives: we are drivenmore strongly to avoid losses than to achieve gains

        A reference point issometimes the status quo but it can also be a goal in the future: notachieving a goal is a loss exceeding the goal is a gain As we mightexpect from negativity dominance the 2 motives are not equallypowerful The aversion to the failure of not reaching the goal is muchstronger than the desire to exceed it

        Defending the Status Quo

        Animals including people fight harder to prevent losses than to achievegains

        In the world of territorial animals this principle explains the successof defenders A biologist observed that “when a territory holder ischallenged by a rival the owner almost always wins the contest—usuallywithin a matter of seconds

        Loss Aversion in the Law

        study of fairness ineconomic transactions

        Our article challenged what was thenaccepted wisdom among many economists that economic behavior isruled by self interest and that concerns for fairness are generally irrelevant

        We also relied on the evidence of survey responses for which economistsgenerally have little respect

        Speaking of Losses

        • “This reform will not pass Those who stand to lose will fightharder than those who stand to gain ”

          “Each of them thinks the other’s concessions are less painful They are both wrong of course It’s just the asymmetry of losses ”

          “They would find it easier to renegotiate the agreement if theyrealized the pie was actually expanding They’re not allocatinglosses; they are allocating gains ”

          “Rental prices around here have g1 up r Brro Qup r Brrecently but our tenants don’t think it’s fair that we should raise their rent too They feel entitled to their current terms ”

          “My clients don’t resent the price hike because they know mycosts have g1 up too They accept my right to stay profitable ”

    • Chapter 29 The Fourfold Pattern
      • The Fourfold Pattern
        • Whenever you form a global evaluation of a complex object—a car youmay buy your son in law or an uncertain situation—you assign weights toits characteristics This is simply a cumbersome way of saying that somecharacteristics influence your assessment more than others do Theweighting occurs whether or not you are aware of it; it is an operation ofSystem 1

          Your overall evaluation of a car may put more or less weight ongas economy comfort or appearance

          Your judgment of your son in lawmay depend more or less on how rich or handsome or reliable he is

          your assessment of an uncertain prospect assigns weights to thepossible outcomes

          The weights are certainly correlated with theprobabilities of these outcomes: a % chance to win a million is muchmore attractive than a % chance to win the same amount

      • Changing Chances
        • 1 reason for the popularity of the gambling metaphor in the study ofdecision making is that it provides a natural rule for the assignment ofweights to the outcomes of a prospect:

          the more probable an outcome themore weight it should have

          The expected value of a gamble is the averageof its outcomes each weighted by its probability

          The conclusion is straightforward: the decision weights that peopleassign to outcomes are not identical to the probabilities of theseoutcomes contrary to the expectation principle Improbable outcomes areoverweighted—this is the possibility effect

          Outcomes that are almostcertain are underweighted relative to actual certainty The expectationprinciple by which values are weighted by their probability is poorpsychology

      • Allais’s Paradox
        • Allais intended toshow that his guests were susceptible to a certainty effect and thereforeviolated expected utility theory and the axioms of rational choice on whichthat theory rests

          In problems A and B which would youchoose?

          A % chance to win $ OR % chance to win $

          B % chance to win $ OR % chance to win $

      • Decision Weights
      • The Fourfold Pattern
        • people are averse torisk when they consider prospects with a substantial chance toachieve a large gain They are willing to accept less than theexpected value of a gamble to lock in a sure gain

          When the top prize is very large ticket buyers appearindifferent to the fact that their chance of winning is minuscule Alottery ticket is the ultimate example of the possibility effect Withouta ticket you cannot win with a ticket you have a chance and whetherthe chance is tiny or merely small matters little Of course whatpeople acquire with a ticket is more than a chance to win; it is theright to dream pleasantly of winning

          People are willingto pay much more for insurance than expected value—which is howinsurance companies cover their costs and make their profits Hereagain people buy more than protection against an unlikely disaster;they eliminate a worry and purchase peace of mind

      • Gambling in the Shadow of the Law
      • Speaking Of The Fourfold Pattern
        • “He is tempted to settle this frivolous claim to avoid a freak loss however unlikely That’s overweighting of small probabilities Since he is likely to face many similar problems he would bebetter off not yielding ”

          “We never let our vacations hang Bima aang Bimon a last minutedeal We’re willing to pay a lot for certainty ”

          “They will not cut their losses so long as there is a chance ofbreaking even This is risk seeking in the losses ”

          “They know the risk of a gas explosion is minuscule but they wantit mitigated It’s a possibility effect and they want peace of mind ”

    • Chapter 30 Rare Events
      • Rare Events
        • how terrorism works and why it is so effective

          it induces an availability cascade

          An extremely vivid image of death anddamage constantly reinforced by media attention and frequentconversations becomes highly accessible especially if it is associatedwith a specific situation such as the sight of a bus

          The emotional arousalis associative automatic and uncontrolled and it produces an impulse forprotective action System 2 may “know” that the probability is low but thisknowledge does not eliminate the self generated discomfort and the wishto avoid it

          System 1 cannot be turned off

          The emotion is not onlydisproportionate to the probability it is also insensitive to the exact level ofprobability

          The originalformulation of prospect theory included the argument that “highly unlikelyevents are either ignored or overweighted ” but it did not specify theconditions under which 1 or the other will occur nor did it propose apsychological interpretation of it

      • Overestimation and Overweighting
        • People overestimate the probabilities of unlikely events

          People overweight unlikely events in their decisions

          Although overestimation and overweighting are distinct phenomena thesame psychological mechanisms are involved in both: focused attention confirmation bias and cognitive ease

          psychological mechanisms

          • focused attention
          • confirmation bias
          • cognitive ease
      • Vivid Outcomes
      • Vivid Probabilities
      • The more vivid description produces a higher decision weight forthe same probability
      • Decisions from Global Impressions
      • Speaking of Rare Events
        • “Tsunamis are very rare even in Japan but the image is so vividand compelling that tourists are bound to overestimate theirprobability ”

          “It’s the familiar disaster cycle Begin by exaggeration andoverweighting then neglect sets in ”

          “We shouldn’t focus on a single scenario or we will overestimateits probability Let’s set up specific alternatives and make theprobabilities add up to % ”

          “They want people to be worried by the risk That’s why theydescribe it as death per They’re counting ondenominator neglect

    • Chapter 31 Risk Policies
      • Risk Policies
        • Broad or Narrow?
        • narrow framing: a sequence of 2 simple decisions consideredseparately
        • broad framing: a single comprehensive decision with four options

        Samuelson’s Problem

        • century—famously asked a friend whether he would accept agamble on the toss of a coin in which he could lose $ or win $ Hisfriend responded

          “I won’t bet because I would feel the $ loss morethan the $ gain But I’ll take you on if you promise to let me make such bets ”

          Samuelson found hisfriend’s answer interesting and went on to analyze it He proved that undersome very specific conditions a utility maximizer who rejects a singlegamble should also reject the offer of many

          the offer of a hundred gambles is so attractive that no saneperson would reject it

          The notableaspect of this story is that Sam never wavers in his aversion to losses However the aggregation of favorable gambles rapidly reduces theprobability of losing and the impact of loss aversion on his preferencesdiminishes accordingly

          The main purpose of the mantra is to controlyour emotional response when you do lose

          If you can trust it to beeffective you should remind yourself of it when deciding whetheror not to accept a small risk with positive expected value

          Remember these qualifications when using the mantra

          It works when the gambles are genuinely independent of each other;it does not apply to multiple investments in the same industry whichwould all go bad together

          It works only when the possible loss does not cause you to worryabout your total wealth If you would take the loss as significant badnews about your economic future watch it!

          It should not be applied to long shots where the probability ofwinning is very small for each bet

          The combination of loss aversion and narrow framing is a costly curse Individual investors can avoid that curse achieving the emotional benefitsof broad framing while also saving time and agony by reducing thefrequency with which they check how well their investments are doing

          Closely following daily fluctuations is a losing proposition because thepain of the frequent small losses exceeds the pleasure of the equallyfrequent small gains

          Investors who getaggregated feedback receive such news much less often and are likely tobe less risk averse and to end up richer You are also less pr1 touseless churning of your portfolio if you don’t know how every stock in it isdoing every day (or every week or even every month)

          A commitment not tochange 1’s position for several periods (the equivalent of “locking in” aninvestment) improves financial performance

        Risk Policies

        Decision makers who are pr1 to narrow framing construct a preferenceevery time they face a risky choice They would do better by having a riskpolicy that they routinely apply whenever a relevant problem arises Familiar examples of risk policies are “always take the highest possibledeductible when purchasing insurance” and “never buy extendedwarranties ”

        Speaking of Risk Policies

        • “Tell her to think like a trader! You win a few you lose a few ”

          “I decided to evaluate my portfolio only once a quarter I am tooloss averse to make sensible decisions in the face of daily pricefluctuations ”

          “They never buy extended warranties That’s their risk policy ”

          “Each of our executives is loss averse in his or her domain That’s perfectly natural but the result is that the organization is nottaking enough risk ”

    • Chapter 32 Keeping Score
      • Keeping Score
        • Except for the very poor for whom income coincides with survival the mainmotivators of m1y seeking are not necessarily economic

          For thebillionaire looking for the extra billion and indeed for the participant in anexperimental economics project looking for the extra dollar m1y is aproxy for points on a scale of self regard and achievement

      • Mental Accounts
        • the disposition effect
          • finance research has documented a massive preference forselling winners rather than losers—a bias that has been given an opaquelabel: the disposition effect

            The disposition effect is an instance of narrow framing The investor hasset up an account for each share that she bought and she wants to closeevery account as a gain

            Another argument against selling winners is thewell documented market anomaly that stocks that recently gained in valueare likely to go on gaining at least for a short while The net effect is large:the expected after tax extra return of selling Tiffany rather than Blueberry is % over the next year

      • sunk cost fallacy
        • The decision to invest additional resources in a losing account when better investments are available is known as the sunk cost fallacy acostly mistake that is observed in decisions large and small Driving intothe blizzard because 1 paid for tickets is a sunk cost error

          The sunk cost fallacy keeps people for too long in poor jobs unhappymarriages and unpromising research projects

          Thesunk cost fallacy is identified and taught as a mistake in both economicsand business courses apparently to good effect:

      • Regret
        • Regret is an emotion and it is also a punishment that we administer toourselves

          The fear of regret is a factor in many of the decisions thatpeople make (“Don’t do this you will regret it” is a common warning) andthe actual experience of regret is familiar

          regret is“accompanied by feelings that 1 should have known better

          • ncesinking feeling by thoughts about the mistake 1 has madeand the opportunities lost by a tendency to kick 1self and to correct1’s mistake and by wanting to undo the event and to get a secondchance ” Intense regret is what you experience when you can most easilyimagine yourself doing something other than what you did

          Regret is 1 of the counterfactual emotions that are triggered by theavailability of alternatives to reality After every plane crash there arespecial stories about passengers who “should not” have been on the plane—they got a seat at the last moment they were transferred from anotherairline they were supposed to fly a day earlier but had had to postp1

          peopleexpect to have stronger emotional reactions (including regret) to anoutcome that is produced by action than to the same outcome when it isproduced by inaction

          the discrepancy between the 2 canbe the source of painful emotions The default option when you own a stockis not to sell it but the default option when you meet your colleague in themorning is to greet him Selling a stock and failing to greet your coworkerare both departures from the default option and natural candidates forregret or blame

          In a compelling demonstration of the power of default options participants played a computer simulation of jack Some playerswere asked “Do you wish to hit?” while others were asked “Do you wish tostand?” Regardless of the question saying yes was associated with muchmore regret than saying no if the outcome was bad!

          It is the departure from the default that produces regret

          peoplegenerally anticipate more regret than they will actually experience becausethey underestimate the efficacy of the psychological defenses they willdeploy—which they label the “psychological immune system ” Theirrecommendation is that you should not put too much weight on regret; evenif you have some it will hurt less than you now think

      • Speaking of Keeping Score
        • “He has separate mental accounts for cash and credit purchases I constantly remind him that m1y is m1y ”

          “We are hanging on to that stock just to avoid closing our mentalaccount at a loss It’s the disposition effect ”

          “We discovered an excellent dish at that restaurant and we nevertry anything else to avoid regret ”

          “The salesperson showed me the most expensive car seat andsaid it was the safest and I could not bring myself to buy thecheaper model It felt like a taboo tradeoff ”

    • Chapter 33 Reversals
      • Speaking of Reversals
        • “The BTU units meant nothing to me until I saw how much airconditioningunits vary Joint evaluation was essential ”

          “You say this was an outstanding speech because you comparedit to her other speeches Compared to others she was stillinferior ”

          “It is often the case that when you broaden the frame you reachmore reasonable decisions ”

          “When you see cases in isolation you are likely to be guided byan emotional reaction of System 1 ”

    • Chapter 34 Frames and Reality
      • Frames and Reality

        Emotional Framing

        A bad outcome is much moreacceptable if it is framed as the cost of a lottery ticket that did not win thanif it is simply described as losing a gamble

        We should not be surprised:losses evokes stronger negative feelings than costs Choices are notreality bound because System 1 is not reality bound

        framing study yielded three main findings

        A region that is commonly associated with emotional arousal (theamygdala) was most likely to be active when subjects’ choicesconformed to the frame

        A brain region known to be associated with conflict and self control(the anterior cingulate) was more active when subjects did not dowhat comes naturally—when they chose the sure thing in spite of itsbeing labeled LOSE

        The most “rational” subjects—those who were the least susceptibleto framing effects—showed enhanced activity in a frontal area of thebrain that is implicated in combining emotion and reasoning to guidedecisions

        Empty Intuitions

        Good Frames

        Speaking of Frames and Reality

        • “They will feel better about what happened if they manage toframe the outcome in terms of how much m1y they kept ratherthan how much they lost ”

          “Let’s reframe the problem by changing the reference point Imagine we did not own it; how much would we think it is worth?”

          “Charge the loss to your mental account of ‘general revenue’—you will feel better!”

          “They ask you to check the box to opt out of their mailing list Their list would shrink if they asked you to check a box to opt in!”

  • Part V 2 Selves
    • Chapter 35 2 Selves
      • Principles of Morals andLegislation

        Nature has placed mankind underthe governance of 2 sovereign masters pain and pleasure

        2 Selves

        Experienced Utility

        • A decision maker who paysdifferent amounts to achieve the same gain of experienced utility (or bespared the same loss) is making a mistake

          You may find this observationobvious but in decision theory the only basis for judging that a decision iswrong is inconsistency with other preferences

        Experience and Memory

        How can experienced utility be measured?

        How should we answerquestions such as “How much pain did Helen suffer during the medicalprocedure?

        How much enjoyment did she get from her minutes onthe beach?

        “hedonimeter ”

        n imaginary instrument analogous to the devicesused in weather recording stations which would measure the level ofpleasure or pain that an individual experiences at any moment

        Peak end rule

        • Peak end rule: The global retrospective rating was well predicted bythe average of the level of pain reported at the worst moment of theexperience and at its end

        judgments duration weighted

        • computation of the “area under the curve” assigns equal weights to allmoments:
        • 2 minutes of pain at level is twice as bad as 1 minute atthe same level of pain

        Duration neglect:

        • Duration neglect: The duration of the procedure had no effectwhatsoever on the ratings of total pain

        2 selves

        experiencing self

        The experiencing self is the 1that answers the question: “Does it hurt now?”

        remembering self

        The remembering self is the1 that answers the question: “How was it on the whole?”

        Memories areall we get to keep from our experience of living and the only perspectivethat we can adopt as we think about our lives is therefore that of theremembering self

        difficulty of distinguishing memories from experiences

        listening raptly to a long symphony on a disc that was scratchednear the end producing a shocking sound and he reported that the badending “ruined the whole experience ” But the experience was not actuallyruined only the memory of it

        The experiencing self had had an experiencethat was almost entirely good and the bad end could not undo it becauseit had already happened

        My questi1r had assigned the entire episode afailing grade because it had ended very badly but that grade effectivelyignored minutes of musical bliss Does the actual experience count fornothing?

        Confusing experience with the memory of it is a compelling cognitiveillusion—and it is the substitution that makes us believe a past experiencecan be ruined

        The experiencing self does not have a voice

        Theremembering self is sometimes wrong but it is the 1 that keeps scoreand governs what we learn from living and it is the 1 that makesdecisions

        What we learn from the past is to maximize thequalities of our future memories not necessarily of our future experience This is the tyranny of the remembering self

        Which Self Should Count?

        subjects did what came naturally: they chose to repeatthe episode of which they had the less aversive memory

        The subjectsknew quite well which of the 2 exposures was longer—we asked them—but they did not use that knowledge

        Their decision was governed by asimple rule of intuitive choice: pick the option you like the most or dislikethe least Rules of memory determined how much they disliked the 2options which in turn determined their choice The cold hand experiment like my old injections puzzle revealed a discrepancy between decisionutility and experienced utility

        In 1 experiment rats were consistently exposed to a sequencein which the onset of a light signals that an electric shock will soon bedelivered The rats quickly learned to fear the light and the intensity of theirfear could be measured by several physiological responses The mainfinding was that the duration of the shock has little or no effect on fear—allthat matters is the painful intensity of the stimulus

        Other classic studies showed that electrical stimulation of specific areasin the rat brain (and of corresponding areas in the human brain) produce asensation of intense pleasure so intense in some cases that rats who canstimulate their brain by pressing a lever will die of starvation without takinga break to feed themselves

        Pleasurable electric stimulation can bedelivered in bursts that vary in intensity and duration Here again onlyintensity matters Up to a point increasing the duration of a burst ofstimulation does not appear to increase the eagerness of the animal toobtain it The rules that govern the remembering self of humans have along evolutionary history

        Biology vs Rationality

        • 2 principles of memory
          • duration neglect and the peak end rule

          Themechanisms are different but the outcome is the same: a decision that isnot correctly attuned to the experience

          Decisions that do not produce the best possible experience anderr1ous forecasts of future feelings—both are bad news for believers inthe rationality of choice

          The cold hand study showed that we cannot fullytrust our preferences to reflect our interests even if they are based onpersonal experience and even if the memory of that experience was laiddown within the last quarter of an hour!

          Tastes and decisions are shapedby memories and the memories can be wrong

          The evidence presents aprofound challenge to the idea that humans have consistent preferencesand know how to maximize them a cornerst1 of the rational agentmodel An inconsistency is built into the design of our minds

          We havestrong preferences about the duration of our experiences of pain andpleasure We want pain to be brief and pleasure to last But our memory afunction of System 1 has evolved to represent the most intense moment ofan episode of pain or pleasure (the peak) and the feelings when theepisode was at its end

          A memory that neglects duration will not serve ourpreference for long pleasure and short pains

          Speaking of 2 Selves

          • “You are thinking of your failed marriage entirely from theperspective of the remembering self A divorce is like asymphony with a screeching sound at the end—the fact that itended badly does not mean it was all bad ”

            “This is a bad case of duration neglect You are giving the goodand the bad part of your experience equal weight although thegood part lasted ten times as long as the other ”

    • Chapter 36 Life as a Story
      • Life as a Story
        • Early in the days of my work on the measurement of experience I sawVerdi’s opera La Traviata Known for its gorgeous music it is also amoving story of the love between a young aristocrat and Violetta a womanof the demimonde The young man’s father approaches Violetta andconvinces her to give up her lover to protect the honor of the family and themarriage prospects of the young man’s sister In an act of supreme selfsacrifice Violetta pretends to reject the man she adores She soonrelapses into consumption (the nineteenth century term for tuberculosis) Inthe final act Violetta lies dying surrounded by a few friends Her belovedhas been alerted and is rushing to Paris to see her H Kto earing the news she is transformed with hope and joy but she is also deteriorating quickly

          No matter how many times you have seen the opera you are gripped bythe tension and fear of the moment: Will the young lover arrive in time?There is a sense that it is immensely important for him to join his belovedbefore she dies He does of course some marvelous love duets are sung and after minutes of glorious music Violetta dies

          Why do we care so muchabout those last minutes?

          Duration neglect is normal in a story and the ending often definesits character

          Duration neglect is normal in a story and the ending often definesits character The same core features appear in the rules of narratives andin the memories of colonoscopies vacations and films This is how theremembering self works: it composes stories and keeps them for futurereference

      • Amnesic Vacations
      • Speaking of Life as a Story
        • “He is desperately trying to protect the narrative of a life ofintegrity which is endangered by the latest episode ”

          “The length to which he was willing to go for a 1 night encounteris a sign of total duration neglect ”

          “You seem to be devoting your entire vacation to the constructionof memories Perhaps you should put away the camera and enjoythe moment even if it is not very memorable?”

          “She is an Alzheimer’s patient She no longer maintains anarrative of her life but her experiencing self is still sensitive tobeauty and gentleness ”

    • Chapter 37 Experienced Well Being
      • Experienced Well Being
        • All things considered how satisfied are you with your life as awhole these days?

          focused on the well being of the experiencing self Iproposed that it made sense to say that “Helen was happy in the month ofMarch” if

          she spent most of her time engaged in activities that she wouldrather continue than stop little time in situations she wished toescape and—very important because life is short—not too muchtime in a neutral state in which she would not care either way

          flow

          • flow—a state thatsome artists experience in their creative moments and that many otherpeople achieve when enthralled by a film a book or a crossword puzzle:interruptions are not welcome in any of these situations

          Experienced Well Being

          • measure of the well being of the experiencing self

            A continuousrecord of experience was unfortunately impossible—a person cannot livenormally while constantly reporting her experiences

          Experience sampling

          • intensity of various feelings: happiness tension anger worry engagement physical pain

          Day Reconstruction Method (DRM)

          • CantrilSelf Anchoring Striving Scale

            Please imagine a ladder with steps numbered from zero at thebottom to at the top The top of the ladder represents the bestpossible life for you and the bottom of the ladder represents theworst possible life for you On which step of the ladder would yousay you personally feel you stand at this time?

            Some aspects of life have more effect on the evaluation of 1’s life thanon the experience of living

            Educational attainment is an example

            Moreeducation is associated with higher evaluation of 1’s life but not withgreater experienced well being

            n the United States themore educated tend to report higher stress

            ill healthhas a much stronger adverse effect on experienced well being than on lifeevaluation

            Living with children also imposes a significant cost in thecurrency of daily feelings—reports of stress and anger are commonamong parents but the adverse effects on life evaluation are smaller

            Religious participation also has relatively greater favorable impact on bothpositive affect and stress reduction than on life evaluation

            religion provides no reduction of feelings of depression or worry

            Can m1y buy happiness?

            Theconclusion is that being poor makes 1 miserable and that being richmay enhance 1’s life satisfaction but does not (on average) improveexperienced well being

            Severe poverty amplifies the experienced effects of other misfortunes oflife

            Why do these added pleasures not show up in reports ofemotional experience?

            A plausible interpretation is that higher income isassociated with a reduced ability to enjoy the small pleasures of life

            There is a clear contrast between the effects of income on experiencedwell being and on life satisfaction

            Speaking of Experienced Well Being

            “The objective of policy should be to reduce human suffering Weaim for a lower U index in society Dealing with depression andextreme poverty should be a priority ”

            “The easiest way to increase happiness is to control your use oftime Can you find more time to do the things you enjoy doing?”

            “Beyond the satiation level of income you can buy morepleasurable experiences but you will lose some of your ability toenjoy the less expensive 1s ”

    • Chapter 38 Thinking About Life
      • Thinking About Life

        In the DRM studies there was no overall difference in experienced wellbeingbetween women who lived with a mate and women who did not Thedetails of how the 2 groups used their time explained the finding

        Women who have a mate spend less time al1 but also much less timewith friends

        They spend more time making love which is wonderful butalso more time doing housework preparing food and caring for children all relatively unpopular activities

        And of course the large amount of timemarried women spend with their husband is much more pleasant for somethan for others

        Experienced well being is on average unaffected bymarriage not because marriage makes no difference to happiness butbecause it changes some aspects of life for the better and others for theworse

        The importance that people attached to income at age alsoanticipated their satisfaction with their income as adults We compared lifesatisfaction in a high income group (more than $ householdincome) to a low to moderate income group (less than $ ) Theeffect of income on life satisfaction was larger for those who had listedbeing well off financially as an essential goal: point on a point scale

        The Focusing Illusion

        • focusing illusion

          Nothing in life is as important as you think it is when you arethinking about it

          How much pleasure do you get from your car?

          When do you getpleasure from your car?

          Adaptation to a new situation whether good or bad consists in large partof thinking less and less about it In that sense most long termcircumstances of life including paraplegia and marriage are part timestates that 1 inhabits only when 1 at JghtA a at Jghttends to them

          This question almost certainly made you think of a paraplegic who iscurrently thinking about some aspect of his condition

          Your guess about aparaplegic’s mood is therefore likely to be accurate in the early days aftera crippling accident; for some time after the event accident victims think oflittle else

          Pain and noise are biologically set to be signals that attract attention anddepression involves a self reinforcing cycle of miserable thoughts

          There istherefore no adaptation to these conditions

          Adaptation to a new situation whether good or bad consists in large partof thinking less and less about it

          miswanting

          describe bad choices that arise from errors of affective forecasting

          The focusing illusion (whichGilbert and Wilson call focalism) is a rich source of miswanting Inparticular it makes us pr1 to exaggerate the effect of significantparticular it makes us pr1 to exaggerate the effect of significantpurchases or changed circumstances on our future well being

          The focusing illusion creates a bias in favor of goods and experiences thatare initially exciting even if they will eventually lose their appeal Time isneglected causing experiences that will retain their attention value in thelong term to be appreciated less than they deserve to be

        Time and Time Again

        • The role of time has been a refrain in this part of the book It is logical todescribe the life of the experiencing self as a series of moments each witha value The value of an episode—I have called it a hedonimeter total—issimply the sum of the values of its moments But this is not how the mindrepresents episodes The remembering self as I have described it alsotells stories and makes choices and neither the stories nor the choicesproperly represent time In storytelling mode an episode is represented bya few critical moments especially the beginning the peak and the end Duration is neglected

        Speaking of Thinking About Life

        • “She thought that buying a fancy car would make her happier butit turned out to be an error of affective forecasting ”

          “His car broke down on the way to work this morning and he’s ina foul mood This is not a good day to ask him about his jobsatisfaction!”

          “She looks quite cheerful most of the time but when she is askedshe says she is very unhappy The question must make her thinkof her recent divorce ”

          “Buying a larger house may not make us happier in the long term We could be suffering from a focusing illusion ”

          “He has chosen to split his time between 2 cities Probably aserious case of miswanting ”

    • Conclusions
      • ConclusionsI

        System 1 which does the fast thinking

        System 2 which does the slow thinking monitorsSystem 1

        The 2 selves

        • the remembering self
          • whichkeeps score and makes the choices

          2 Selves

          Duration neglect and the peak endrule in the evaluation of stories both at the opera and in judgments of Jen’slife are equally indefensible

          It does not make sense to evaluate an entirelife by its last moments or to give no weight to duration in deciding whichlife is more desirable

          The remembering self is a construction of System 2 However thedistinctive features of the way it evaluates episodes and lives arecharacteristics of our memory Duration neglect and the peak end ruleoriginate in System 1 and do not necessarily correspond to the values ofSystem 2 We believe that duration is important but our memory tells us itis not

          Econs and Humans

          theexperiencing self which does the living

        2 Systems

        The upshot is that it is much easier to identify aminefield when you observe others wandering into it than when you areabout to do so Observers are less cognitively busy and more toinformation than actors

        Organizations are better than individuals when it comes to avoidingerrors because they naturally think more slowly and have the power toimpose orderly procedures

    • Appendix A: Judgment Under Uncertainty
      • Heuristics and Biases
      • Representativeness
      • Availability
      • Adjustment and Anchoring
      • Discussion
      • Summary
    • Appendix B: Choices Values And Frames
      • Risky Choice
      • Framing of Outcomes
      • The Psychophysics of Chances
      • Formulation Effects
      • Transactions and Trades
      • Losses and Costs
      • Concluding Remarks
      • References
      • Acknowledgments
      • Notes
  • Chapters References
    • Introduction
    • : The Characters of the Story
    • : Attention and Effort
      • : The Lazy Controller
      • : The Associative Machine
      • : Cognitive Ease
      • : Norms Surprises and Causes
      • : A Machine for Jumping to Conclusions
      • : How Judgments Happen
      • : Answering an Easier Question
      • : The Law of Small Numbers
    • : Anchors
    • : The Science of Availability
      • : Availability Emotion and Risk
      • : Tom W’s Specialty
      • : Linda: Less is More
      • : Causes Trump Statistics
      • : Regression to the Mean
      • : Taming Intuitive Predictions
      • : The Illusion of Understanding
      • : The Illusion of Validity
    • : Intuitions vs Formulas
      • : The Outside View
      • : The Engine of Capitalism
      • : Bernoulli’s Errors
      • : Prospect Theory
      • : The Endowment Effect
      • : Bad Events
      • : The Fourfold Pattern
        • : Rare Events
      • : Risk Policies
      • : Keeping Score
        • : Reversals
        • : Frames and Reality
        • : 2 Selves
        • : Life as a Story
        • : Experienced Well Being
        • : Thinking About Life
    • Conclusions
    • Index
  • What do you think about the book?
  • Conclusions:
  • Recommendations:
  • Compiled By:
    • blindcaveman.wordpress.com
    • Rigel Arcayan

Mindmap-Book SummaryWarrentBuffetWay

Mindmap-Book SummaryWarrentBuffetWay

  • About The Warrent Buffet Way
    • Date Read: December 2014
    • Author: Robert Hagstrom
    • ISBN: 978-1-118-79399-2
    • 322 pages
    • MyRating: 5 Stars
  • Chapter 01 : A Five Sigma Event: The World’s Greatest Investor
    • Personal History and Investment Beginnings
    • The Buffett Partnership Ltd
    • Berkshire Hathaway
    • Insurance Operations
    • The Man and His Company
    • Five Sigma Event
  • Chapter 02 : The Education of Warren Buffett
    • Benjamin Graham
      • Graham insists that for a security to be considered aninvestment two conditions must be present: some degree of safetyof principal and a satisfactory rate of return

        “An investmentoperation is one which upon thorough analysis promises safety ofprincipal and a satisfactory return Operations not meeting theserequirements are speculative ”

        “thorough analysis”

        “the careful study of available facts with theattempt to draw conclusions therefrom based on established principlesand sound logic

        three step process

        ( ) descriptive

        ( ) critical

        ( ) selective

        examining the merits ofthe standards used to communicate information

        Have the facts beenrepresented fairly?

        to pass judgmenton the attractiveness of the security in question

        Graham ’s second contribution—after establishing a clear andlasting distinction between investment and speculation—was amethodology for buying common stocks that would qualify themas an investment rather than speculation

        The danger of was not that speculation tried to masqueradeas investing but rather that investing fashioned itselfinto speculation

        Graham noted that optimism based on historywas rampant—and dangerous Encouraged by the past investorsprojected forward an era of continued growth and prosperity andbegan to lose their sense of proportion about price

        people were paying prices for stocks without any sense of mathematicalexpectation; stocks were worth any price that the optimisticmarket quoted

        wayof selecting stocks

        ( ) purchase shares when the overall market istrading at low prices (generally this occurs during a bear marketor a similar type of correction)

        ( ) purchase the stock whenit trades below its intrinsic value even though the overall market isnot substantially cheap

        identifying undervalued securities

        a margin of safety existed for a commonstock if its price was below its intrinsic value

        How does one determine intrinsic value?

        intrinsic value

        intrinsic value is “that valuewhich is determined by the facts ”

        facts include

        a company ’sassets its earnings and dividends

        future defi nite prospect

        Acompany ’s intrinsic value can be determined by estimating thefuture earnings of the company and multiplying those earningsby an appropriate capitalization factor

        margin of safetycould work successfully in three areas:

        ( ) in stable securities suchas bonds and preferred stocks;

        ( ) in comparative analysis

        ( ) in selecting stocks provided the spread between price and intrinsicvalue is large enough

        Graham proposed that it was not essentialto determine a company ’s exact intrinsic value; even an approximatevalue compared against the selling price would be suffi cientto gauge the margin of safety

        Don ’t lose

        Don ’t forget the fi rst rule

        ( ) buy a companyfor less than two thirds of its net asset value

        analyzing the fi nancial results of stocks

        a year low price to earningsmultiple

        a stock price that was equal to half its previous markethigh

        a net asset value

        John Burr Williams ’s classic defi nition of value

        The value of any investment is the discounted present valueof its future cash fl ow

        Graham ’s methods—buyinga stock for less than two thirds of net asset value and buying stockswith low price to earnings multiples

        Graham ’s conviction rested on certain assumptions

        First hebelieved that the market frequently mispriced stocks usually becauseof the human emotions of fear and greed

        second assumption wasbased on the statistical phenomenon known as reversion to the mean

        “Many shall be restored that now have fallen andmany shall fall that now are in honor ”

        Graham believed that an investor could profi t from thecorrective forces of an ineffi cient market

    • Philip Fisher
      • investment counseling fi rm

        Fisher fi gured he had two advantages

        First any investor who had any money left after the crash was probablyvery unhappy with his or her existing broker

        Second in themidst of the Depression businesspeople had plenty of time to sitand talk with Fisher

        superiorprofi ts could be made by

        ( ) investing in companies with aboveaveragepotential

        ( ) aligning oneself with the most capable management

    • Charlie Munger
      • To achieve “worldly wisdom

        you must build a latticework of mental models that unites all thebig ideas in the world

        Poor Charlie ’s Almanack: The Wit and Wisdom of CharlesT Munger

        A Blending of Intellectual Influences

        The key lessonthat Buffett took from Graham was

        Successful investing involvesThe Education of Warren Buffett purchasing stocks when their market price is at a signifi cant discountto their underlying business value

        margin of safety

        do not be dissuaded just because others disagree

        “You are neither right or wrong because the crowd disagreeswith you ”

        “You are right because your data and reasoningare right

        Phil Fisher was in many ways the exact opposite of Ben Graham Fisher believed that to make sound decisions investors needed tobecome fully informed about a business

        That meant

        investigatingall aspects of the company

        look beyond the numbers

        learn about the business itself

        study the attributes ofthe company ’s management

        Fisher taught Buffett not to overstress diversifi cation

        Hebelieved that it was a mistake to teach investors that putting their eggsin several different baskets reduces risk

        The danger in purchasing too many stocks he felt is that it becomes impossible to watch all theeggs in all the baskets

        Investors run the risk of putting too much in acompany they are unfamiliar with

        buying shares in a companywithout taking time to develop a thorough understanding of thebusiness is far riskier than having a limited diversifi cation

        The differences between Graham and Fisher are apparent

        Graham the quantitative analyst emphasized those factors thatcould be measured: fi xed assets current earnings and dividends His investigative research was limited to corporate fi lings andannual reports He spent no time interviewing customers competitors or managers

        Fisher ’s approach was the antithesis of Graham ’s Fisher thequalitative analyst emphasized factors that he believed increasedthe value of a company: principally future prospects and managementcapability

        Whereas Graham was interested in purchasingonly cheap stocks

        Fisher was interested in purchasing companiesthat had the potential to increase their intrinsic value over the longterm

        Fisher was

        unassuming

        generous in spirit

        extraordinaryteacher

        “It is not enough to have good intelligence ”

        “the principal thing is to apply it well ”

  • Chapter 03 : Buying a Business: The Twelve Immutable Tenets
    • There is no fundamental difference according to WarrenBuffett between buying a business outright and buying a pieceof that business in the form of shares of stock

      Of the two he hasalways preferred to directly own a company for it permits him toinfl uence the business ’s most critical issue: capital allocation Buying its common stock instead has one big disadvantage: Youcan ’t control the business

      offset Buffett explains by twodistinct advantages:

      First the arena for selecting noncontrolledbusinesses—the stock market—is signifi cantly larger

      Second thestock market provides more opportunities for fi nding bargains

      looks for companies he understands

      with favorable long term prospects

      are operated by honest and competent people

      available at attractive prices

      “When investing ” he says “we view ourselves as business analysts not as market analysts not as macroeconomic analysts andnot even as security analysts ”

      THE TWELVE IMMUTABLE TENETS

      • Business tenets
        • Business tenets —three basic characteristics of the businessitself
      • Management tenets
        • Management tenets —three important qualities that seniormanagers must display
      • Financial tenets
        • Financial tenets —four critical financial decisions that thecompany must maintain
      • Market tenets
        • Market tenets —two interrelated cost guidelines
      • Stocks are an abstraction
        • He doesn ’t think in termsof market theories macroeconomic concepts or sector trends

          Hemakes investment decisions based only on how a business operates

          He believes that if people are drawn to an investment because ofsuperfi cial notions rather than business fundamentals

          they aremore likely to be scared away at the fi rst sign of trouble and in alllikelihood will lose money in the process

          Instead Buffett concentrateson learning all he can about the business under consideration

      • He focuses on three main areas
        • A business must be simple and understandable
        • A business must have a consistent operating history
        • A business must have favorable long term prospects
        • Tenets of the Warren Buffett Way
      • A Business Tenets
        • Is the business simple and understandable?
        • Does the business have a consistent operating history?
        • Does the business have favorable long term prospects?
      • B Management Tenets
        • Is management rational?
        • Is management candid with its shareholders?
        • Does management resist the institutional imperative?
      • C Financial Tenets
        • Focus on return on equity not earnings per share
        • Calculate “owner earnings ”
        • Look for companies with high profi t margins
          • For every dollar retained make sure the company has createdat least one dollar of market value
      • D Market Tenets
        • What is the value of the business?
        • Can the business be purchased at a signifi cant discount toits value?
      • Simple and Understandable
        • investors ’ fi nancial success is correlated to howwell they understand their investment

          This is a distinguishing traitthat separates investors with a business orientation from most hitand run types—people who are constantly buying and selling

          acutelyaware of how all these businesses operate

          • revenues
          • expenses
          • cash fl ows
          • labor relations
          • pricing fl exibility
          • capital allocation

          Investment success is not a matter of how much you know buthow realistically you defi ne what you don ’t know

          “Invest in your circleof competence ”

          “It ’s not how big the circle isthat counts; it ’s how well you defi ne the parameters

      • Consistent Operating History
        • Buffett not only avoids the complex but he also avoids purchasingcompanies that are either solving diffi cult business problems or fundamentallychanging direction because their previous plans wereunsuccessful

          It has been his experience that the best returns areachieved by companies that have been producing the same productor service for several years

          Undergoing major business changesincreases the likelihood of committing major business errors

          “Severe change and exceptional returns usually don ’t mix ”

          Investors tend to be attracted to fast changing industries or companiesthat are in the midst of a corporate reorganization

          investors are so infatuated with whattomorrow may bring that they ignore today ’s business reality

          Buffett cares very little for stocks that are hot at any givenmoment

          He is far more interested in buying into companies thathe believes will be successful and profi table for the long term

          And while predicting the future success is certainly not foolproof a steady track record is a relatively reliable track record

          When acompany has demonstrated consistent results with the same type ofproducts year after year it is not unreasonable to assume that thoseresults will continue

          Buffett also tends to avoid businesses that are solving diffi cultproblems

          Experience has taught him that turnarounds seldom turn

          “Charlie and I havenot learned how to solve diffi cult business problems ” Buffett admits “What we have learned to do is to avoid them To the extent thatwe have been successful it is because we concentrated on identifyingone foot hurdles that we could step over rather than because weacquired any ability to clear seven footers

      • Favorable Long Term Prospects
        • Franchise as a company providing a productor service
          • ( ) needed or desired
          • ( ) has no close substitute
          • ( ) is not regulated

          moat

          • something that gives the company aclear advantage over others and protects it against incursion fromcompetition

            The bigger the moat and the more sustainable

            The key to investing ” he explains “is determiningthe competitive advantage of any given company and above all the durability of the advantage The products or servicesthat have wide sustainable moats around them are the ones thatdeliver rewards to investors

          a bad business

          a bad business offers a product that is virtually indistinguishablefrom the products of its competitors—a commodity

          basic commodities

          • oil
          • gas
          • chemicals
          • copper
          • lumber
          • wheat
          • orange juice
          • computers
          • automobiles
          • airline service
          • banking
          • insurance

          Despite mammoth advertising budgets they areunable to achieve meaningful product differentiation

          Commodity businesses

          Commodity businesses generally are low returning businessesand “prime candidates for profi t trouble

          Their product is basicallyno different from anyone else ’s so they can compete only onthe basis of price—which of course cuts into profi t margins

          Themost dependable way to make a commodity business profi table isto become the low cost provider

          The only other time commoditybusinesses turn a healthy profi t is during periods of tight supply—afactor that can be extremely diffi cult to predict

          A key to determiningthe long term profi t of a commodity business Buffett notes isthe ratio of “supply tight to supply ample years ”

      • Management Tenets
        • When considering a new investment or a business acquisition Buffettlooks very hard at the quality of management

          He tells us that thecompanies or stocks Berkshire purchases must be operated by honestand competent managers whom he can admire and trust

          “Wedo not wish to join with managers who lack admirable qualities ”he says “no matter how attractive the prospects of their business

          We ’ve never succeeded in making good deals with a bad person ”

          three traits:

          • Is management rational?
          • Is management candid with shareholders?
          • Does management resist the institutional imperative?

          The highest compliment Buffett can pay a manager is that heor she unfailingly behaves and thinks like an owner of the company

          Managers who behave like owners tend not to lose sight ofthe company ’s prime objective—increasing shareholder value—andthey tend to make rational decisions that further that goal

          also greatly admires managers who take seriously their responsibilityto report candidly and fully to shareholders and who have thecourage to resist what he has termed the institutional imperative—blindly following industry peers

      • Rationality
        • Deciding what to dowith the company ’s earnings—reinvest in the business or returnmoney to shareholders—is in Buffett ’s mind an exercise in logicand rationality

          “Rationality is the quality that Buffett thinks distinguishesthe style with which he runs Berkshire—and the quality heoften fi nds lacking in other corporations ”

      • Candor
        • Buffett holds in high regard managers who report their company ’sfi nancial performance fully and genuinely who admit mistakes aswell as share successes and are in all ways candid with shareholders

          What needs to be reported

          ( ) Approximately howmuch is the company worth?

          ( ) What is the likelihood that it canmeet its future obligations?

          ( ) How good a job are its managersdoing given the hand they have been dealt?”

          Mistakes of the First Twenty Five Years

          Mistake DuJour

          The CEO who misleads others in public ” he says “may eventuallymislead himself in private

          The Institutional Imperative

          If management stands to gain wisdom and credibility by facing mistakes why do so many annual reports trumpet only success? If allocationof capital is so simple and logical why is capital so poorlyallocated?

          The answer Buffett has learned is an unseen force hecalls “the institutional imperative”—

          “the institutional imperative”—

          the lemming like tendency ofcorporate managers to imitate the behavior of others no matterhow silly or irrational it may be

          institutional imperative is responsiblefor several serious but distressingly common conditions

          “( ) [Theorganization] resists any change in its current direction;

          ( ) just aswork expands to fi ll available time corporate projects or acquisitionswill materialize to soak up available funds;

          ( ) any businesscraving of the leader however foolish will quickly be supported bydetailed rate of return and strategic studies prepared by his troops

          ( ) the behavior of peer companies whether they are expanding acquiring setting executive compensation or whatever will bemindlessly imitated

          Just because everyone else isdoing something that doesn ’t make it right

          Human nature

          What is behind the institutional imperative that drives so manybusinesses?

          Most managers are unwilling to lookfoolish with for example an embarrassing quarterly loss whenothers in their industry are still producing quarterly gains eventhough they assuredly are heading like lemmings into the sea

          three factors as beingmost infl uential in management ’s behavior

          • Most managers cannot control their lust for activity Suchhyperactivity often fi nds its outlet in business takeovers

            Most managers are constantly comparing their business ’ssales earnings and executive compensation to other companieswithin and beyond their industry These comparisonsinvariably invite corporate hyperactivity

            Most managers have an exaggerated sense of their owncapabilities

          poor allocationskills

          The fi nal justifi cation for the institutional imperative ismindless imitation

          The CEO of Company D says to himself “IfCompanies A B and C are all doing the same thing it must be allright for us to behave the same way ”

          They are positioned to fail—not Buffett believes because ofvenality or stupidity but because the institutional dynamics of theimperative make it diffi cult to resist doomed behavior

          Speakingbefore a group of Notre Dame students Buffett displayed a list of investment banking fi rms Every single one he explained hadfailed even though the odds for success were in their favor Heticked off the positives: The volume of the New York Stock Exchangehad multiplied fold and the fi rms were headed by hardworkingpeople with very high IQs all of whom had an intense desire to succeed Yet all failed Buffett paused “You think about that ” he saidsternly his eyes scanning the room “

          “How could they get a result likethat? I ’ll tell you how—mindless imitation of their peers

      • Taking the Measure of Management
        • Review annual reports from a few years back paying special attentionto what management said then about the strategies for the future

          Then compare those plans to today ’s results; how fully were the plansrealized?

          Also compare the strategies of a few years ago to this year ’sstrategies and ideas; how has the thinking changed?

          “If youput these same guys to work in a buggy whip company it wouldn ’thave made much difference ” He adds “When a managementwith a reputation for brilliance tackles a business with a reputationfor poor fundamental economics it is the reputation of the businessthat stays intact ”

      • Financial Tenets
        • The fi nancial tenets by which Buffett values both managerial excellenceand economic performance are all grounded in some typicallyBuffett like principles

          he does not take yearlyresults too seriously

          Instead he focuses on fi ve year averages

          Profi table returns he wryly notes don ’t always coincide with thetime it takes the planet to circle the sun He also has little patiencewith accounting sleight of hand that produces impressive year endnumbers but little real value

          he is guided by these fourprinciples:

          • Focus on return on equity not earnings per share
          • Calculate “owner earnings” to get a true reflection of value
          • Look for companies with high profit margins
          • For every dollar retained make sure the company has createdat least one dollar of market value

          Return on Equity

          • Customarily

            analysts measure annual company performance bylooking at earnings per share (EPS)

            Did EPS increase over theprior year?

            Did the company beat expectations?

            Are the earningshigh enough to brag about?

            Buffett considers earnings per share a smoke screen

            Buffett considers earnings per share a smoke screen Sincemost companies retain a portion of their previous year ’s earnings asa way to increase their equity base he sees no reason to get excitedabout record EPS

            There is nothing spectacular about a companythat increases EPS by percent if at the same time it is growingits earning base by percent

          Owner Earnings

          Profit Margins

          Buffett is aware that great businesses makelousy investments if management cannot convert sales into profi ts

          There ’s no big secret to profi tability

          The One Dollar Premise

          • The increase in valueshould at the very least match the amount of retained earningsdollar for dollar
      • Market Tenets
        • All the principles embodied in the tenets described thus far leadto one decision point
        • buying or not buying shares in a company Anyone at that point must weigh two factors
        • Is this company agood value
        • is this a good time to buy it—that is is the pricefavorable?
        • rational investing has two components
          • What is the value of the business?
          • Can the business be purchased at a significant discount toits value?
        • Determine the Value
        • The Theory of Investment Value
          • the value of a business isdetermined by the net cash fl ow expected to occur over the life ofthe business discounted at an appropriate interest rate
        • Buy at Attractive Prices
        • Anatomy of a Long Term Stock Price
      • The Intelligent Investor
        • The most distinguishing trait of Buffett ’s investment philosophy is theclear understanding that by owning shares of stock he owns businesses not pieces of paper

          The idea of buying stock without understandingthe company ’s operating functions—including its productsand services inventories working capital needs capital reinvestmentneeds (e g plant and equipment) raw material expenses and laborrelations—is unconscionable

          “Investing is most intelligentwhen it is most businesslike ”

          “the nine most important words ever written about investing ”

          “I am a better investor because I am a businessman ” confessesBuffett “and a better businessman because I am an investor

          what types of companies he will purchasein the future

          he will avoid commodity businesses andmanagers in whom he has little confi dence

          What he will purchaseis the type of company that he understands one that possessesgood economics and is run by trustworthy managers

          “A good businessis not always a good purchase ” says Buffett “although it is agood place to look for one ”

      Business Tenets

      • Simple and Understandable
      • Consistent Operating History
      • Favorable Long Term Prospects

      Management Tenets

      • Rationality
      • Candor
      • The Institutional Imperative
      • Taking the Measure of Management

      Financial Tenets

      • Return on Equity
      • Owner Earnings
      • Profit Margins
      • The One Dollar Premise

      Market Tenets

      • Determine the Value
      • Buy at Attractive Prices

      Anatomy of a Long Term Stock Price

      • The Intelligent Investor
  • Chapter 04 : Common Stock Purchases: Nine Case Studies
    • The Washington Post Company
      • Tenet: Simple and Understandable
      • Tenet: Consistent Operating History
      • Tenet: Favorable Long Term Prospects
      • Tenet: Determine the Value
      • Tenet: Buy at Attractive Prices
      • Tenet: Return on Equity
      • Tenet: Profit Margins
      • Tenet: Rationality
      • Tenet: The One Dollar Premise
    • GEICO Corporation
      • Tenet: Simple and Understandable
      • Tenet: Consistent Operating History
      • Tenet: Favorable Long Term Prospects
      • Tenet: Candor
      • Tenet: Rationality
      • Tenet: Return on Equity
      • Tenet: Profit Margins
      • Tenet: Determine the Value
      • Tenet: The One Dollar Premise
    • Capital Cities ABC
      • Tenet: Simple and Understandable
      • Tenet: Consistent Operating History
      • Tenet: Favorable Long Term Prospects
      • Tenet: Determine the Value
      • Tenet: The Institutional Imperative
      • Tenet: The One Dollar Premise
      • Tenet: Rationality
    • The Coca Cola Company
      • Tenet: Simple and Understandable
      • Tenet: Consistent Operating History
      • Tenet: Favorable Long Term Prospects
      • Tenet: High Profit Margins
      • Tenet: Return on Equity
      • Tenet: Candor
      • Tenet: Rational Management
      • Tenet: Owner Earnings
      • Tenet: The Institutional Imperative
      • Tenet: Determine the Value
      • Tenet: Buy at Attractive Prices
    • General Dynamics
      • Tenet: The Institutional Imperative
      • Tenet: Rationality
    • Wells Fargo & Company
      • Tenet: Favorable Long Term Prospects
      • Tenet: Rationality
      • Tenet: Determine the Value
    • American Express Company
      • Tenet: Consistent Operating History
      • Tenet: Rationality
      • Tenet: Determine the Value
    • International Business Machines
      • Tenet: Rationality
      • Tenet: Favorable Long Term Prospects
      • Tenets: Profit Margins; Return on Equity; One Dollar Premise
      • Tenet: Determine the Value
    • H J Heinz Company
      • Tenet: Consistent Operating History
      • Tenet: Favorable Long Term Prospects
      • Tenet: Determine the Value
      • Tenet: Buy at Attractive Prices
      • Tenet: Rationality
    • A Common Theme
  • Chapter 05 : Portfolio Management: The Mathematics of Investing
    • What is the probability of a cat giving birth to a bird? Zero

      What is the probability the sun will rise tomorrow?

      That event which is considered certain is given a probability of All eventsthat are neither completely certain nor completely impossible havea probability somewhere between and expressed as a fraction Determining the fraction is what probability theory is all about

      Decision theory

      • Decision theory is the process of decidingwhat to do when you are uncertain what will happen
      • “Making thatdecision ” wrote Bernstein “is the essential fi rst step in any effort tomanage risk ”

      Bayesian analysis

      • How does this work? Let ’s imagine that you and a friend havespent the afternoon playing your favorite board game and now atthe end of the game you are chatting about this or that Somethingyour friend says leads you to make a friendly wager: that with oneroll of a die from the game you will get a Straight odds areone in six a percent probability But then suppose your friendrolls the die quickly covers it with his hand and takes a peek “I can tell you this much ” he says; “it ’s an even number ” Now youhave new information and your odds change dramatically to one inthree a percent probability While you are considering whetherto change your bet your friend teasingly adds: “And it is not a ”With this additional bit of information your odds have changedagain to one in two a percent probability

      decisiontree theory

      • But to put probability theory to practical usein investing we need to look a bit deeper at how the numbers arecalculated

        In particular we need to pay attention to the notion offrequency

      Probability Theory and the Market

      Kelly Optimization

      Each time you step foot inside a casino the probability of comingout a winner is pretty low You shouldn ’t be surprised; after all weall know the house has the best odds

      Munger on Betting Odds

      • art of achieving worldly wisdom

        “The model I like—to sort of simplify the notion of what goeson in a market for common stocks—is the pari mutuel system at theracetrack ” he said “If you stop and think about it a pari mutuelsystem is a market Everybody goes there and bets and the oddsare changed based on what ’s bet That ’s what happens in the stockmarket ”

      The Element of Psychology

      strategy

      • Prime bets
        • Prime bets are reserved forserious players when two conditions occur
        • ( ) confi dence in thehorse ’s ability to win is high
        • ( ) payoff odds are greater thanthey should be
        • Prime bets call for serious money
      • Action bets
        • Action bets as the name implies are reserved for the long shots and hunchesthat satisfy the psychological need to play

          They are smaller bets andnever are allowed to become a large part of the player ’s betting pool

      From Theory to Reality

      • Calculate probabilities
        • This is the probability you are concernedwith: What are the chances that this stock I am consideringwill over time achieve an economic return greater than thestock market?
      • Wait for the best odds
        • The odds of success tip in your favorwhen you have a margin of safety; the more uncertain thesituation the greater the margin you need In the stock market the margin of safety is provided by a discounted price When the company you like is selling at a price that is belowits intrinsic value that is your signal to act
      • Adjust for new information
        • Knowing that you are going to waituntil the odds turn in your favor pay scrupulous attentionin the meantime to whatever the company does Has managementbegun to act irresponsibly? Have the financial decisionsbegun to change? Has something happened to alterthe competitive landscape in which the business operates? Ifso the probabilities will likely change
      • Decide how much to invest
        • Of all the money you have availablefor investing in the market what proportion should go into aparticular purchase? Start with the Kelly formula then adjustdownward perhaps to a half Kelly bet or a fractional Kelly bet

      “The wise [investors] bet heavily when the worldoffers them that opportunity They bet big when they have the odds And the rest of the time they don ’t It ’s just that simple ”

      Focus Investors in Graham and Doddsville

      John Maynard Keynes

      Keynes Fund Principles

      • A careful selection of a few investments having regard totheir cheapness in relation to their probable actual andpotential intrinsic [emphasis his] value over a period of yearsahead and in relation to alternative investments at the time;

        A steadfast holding of these fairly large units through thick andthin perhaps several years until either they have fulfilled theirpromise or it is evident that they were purchased on a mistake;

        A balanced [emphasis his] investment position i e a varietyof risks in spite of individual holdings being large and if possibleopposed risks

      Charles Munger Partnership

      Sequoia Fund

      Lou Simpson

      • Lou developed a reputation as a voracious reader who ignoredWall Street research reports and pored over annual reports instead

        His common stock selection process was similar to Buffett ’s

        Hepurchased only high return businesses that were run by able managementand that were available at reasonable prices

        He focused hisportfolio on only a few stocks

      four portfolio groups

      • Three thousand portfolios containing stocks

        Three thousand portfolios containing stocks

        Three thousand portfolios containing stocks

        Three thousand portfolios containing stocks—the focusportfolio group

        Among the portfolios containing stocks the standarddeviation was percent; the best portfolio returned percent annually and the worst was percent

        Among the stock portfolios the standard deviation was percent— percent best percent worst

        Among the stock portfolios the standard deviation was percent— percent best percent worst

        Among the stock portfolios the standard deviation was percent— percent best percent worst

        one key fi nding emerged

        When we reduced thenumber of stocks in a portfolio we began to increase the probabilityof generating returns that were higher than the market ’s rate return But not surprisingly at the same time we also increased theprobability of generating lower returns

        remarkablestatistics

        Out of stock portfolios beat the market

        Out of stock portfolios beat the market

        Out of stock portfolios beat the market

        Out of stock portfolios beat the market

      With a stock portfolio you have a one in chance of beatingthe market With a stock portfolio your chances increase dramatically to one in four

      it simply reinforces the criticalimportance of intelligent stock selection

      It is no coincidence that thesuperinvestors of Buffettville are also superior stock pickers If yourun a focus portfolio and do not have good stock picking skills theunderperformance could be striking However if you developthe skill set to pick the right companies then outsized returns canbe achieved by focusing your portfolio on your best ideas

      Because investors habitually take money away from underperformingmutual funds portfolio managers have increasingly madetheir portfolios more similar to indexes thereby reducing thechance they will signifi cantly underperform the index

      Of course aswe learned the more your portfolio resembles the index the lesslikely you are to outperform it It is important to remember thatany portfolio manager who has a portfolio that is different from thebenchmark however small a difference is an active portfolio manager

      The Real Measure of Worth

      price myopic

      • Making this shift will not be easy Our entire industry—moneymanagers institutional investors and all manner of individualinvestors—is price myopic If the price of a particular stock isgoing up we assume good things are happening; if the price startsto go down we assume something bad is happening and we actaccordingly

        It ’s a poor mental habit and it is exacerbated by another: evaluatingprice performance over very short periods of time Not onlyare we depending solely on the wrong thing (price)

        but we ’re looking at it too often and we ’re too quick to jumpwhen we don ’t like what we see

      double barreled foolishness

      • price based
      • short termmentality

      how it works in mutual funds

      fi nd a better way tomeasure performance

      • We have to drop our insistence onprice as the only measuring stick and we have to break ourselves ofthe counterproductive habit of making short term judgments

        But if price is not the measuring stick what are we to useinstead?

        Warren Buffett once said he “wouldn ’t care if the stock market for a year or two After all it closes on Saturday and Sundayand that hasn ’t bothered me yet ” It is true that “an actively tradingmarket is useful since it periodically presents us with mouthwateringopportunities ” said Buffett “But by no means is itessential ”

        To fully appreciate this statement you need to think carefullyabout what Buffett said next “A prolonged suspension of tradingin securities we hold would not bother us any more than does thelack of daily quotations for [Berkshire ’s wholly owned subsidiaries] Eventually our economic fate will be determined by the economicfate of the business we own whether our ownership is partial [inthe form of shares of stock] or total ”

      Buffett ’s thesis

      • Buffett ’s thesis that given enough time the priceof a business will align with the company ’s economics He cautions though that translation of earnings into share price is both“uneven” and “unpredictable ”
        • “In the shortrun the market is a voting machine but in the long run it is a weighingmachine ”

      A Variety of Measuring Sticks

      look through earnings

      Berkshire ’s look through earnings aremade up of the operating earnings of its consolidated businesses(its subsidiaries) the retained earnings of its large common stockinvestments and allowance for the tax that Berkshire would have topay if the retained earnings were actually paid out

      “An approach of this kind ”counsels Buffett “will force the investor to think about long termbusiness prospects rather than short term market prospects a perspectivethat will likely improve results

      When Buffett considers adding an investment

      he fi rst looks atwhat he already owns to see whether the new purchase is any better

      “For an ordinary individual the best thing you already have shouldbe your measuring stick ”

      What happens next is one of the mostcritical but widely overlooked secrets to increasing the value of aportfolio “

      “If the new thing you are considering purchasing is notbetter than what you already know is available ” says Charlie “thenit hasn ’t met your threshold This screens out percent of whatyou see ”

      defi ne yourown personal economic benchmark in several different ways

      lookthroughearnings

      • return on equity
      • margin of safety

      the Standard & Poor ’s index is a measuring stick

      It is made up of companies andeach has its own economic return

      If at fi rst you dosucceed quit trying

      ideal holding period

      • “Forever”—so long as the company continues togenerate above average economics and management allocates theearnings of the company in a rational manner

      Morningstar theChicago based researcher of mutual funds discovered that fundswith low turnover ratios generated superior returns compared tofunds with higher turnover ratios

      Journal of Portfolio Management

      • the key strategy involves another of those commonsensenotions that is often underappreciated: the enormous

        value of the unrealized gain When a stock appreciates in pricebut is not sold the increase in value is an unrealized gain No capitalgains tax is owed until the stock is sold If you leave the gain inplace your money compounds more forcefully

      The Jeffrey Arnott study concluded that to achieve high aftertaxreturns investors need to keep their average annual portfolioratio somewhere between and percent

      focus investing approach entails

      • Do not approach the market unless you are willing to thinkabout stocks fi rst and always as part ownership interests inbusinesses

        Be prepared to diligently study the businesses you own aswell as the companies you compete against with the idea thatno one will know more about your business than you do

        Do not even start a focus portfolio unless you are willingto invest a minimum of fi ve years ( years would even bebetter)

        Never leverage your focus portfolio An unleveragedfocus portfolio will help you reach your goals fast enough Remember an unexpected margin call on our capital willlikely wreck a well tuned portfolio

        Accept the need to acquire the right temperament and personalityto become a focus investor

        There is nothing scientifi c about valuinga business and then paying a price that is below this business value

        “You don ’t need to be a rocket scientist ” confesses Buffett “Investing is not a game where the IQ guy beats the guy withthe IQ

        The size of an investor ’s brain is less important thanhis ability to detach the brain from the emotions ” Changingthe way you approach investing including how you will going forward interact with the stock market will involve some emotionalPortfolio Management and psychological adjustments

      When we think about managing our portfolios we often believeit is a simple process of deciding what to buy sell or hold

      You buy great businesseswhen the price is far below that value hold them when the price ismodestly below and sell them when the price is signifi cantly higher

      margin of safety approach

      • His way of building a portfolio for long term growth

        His alternative measuring stick for judging the progress of aportfolio

        His techniques for coping with the emotional roller coasterthat inevitably accompanies portfolio management

      Hollywood has given us a visual cliché of what money managerslook like: talking into two phones at once frantically taking noteswhile trying to keep an eye on a bank of computer screens thatblink and blip endlessly and showing pained expressions wheneverone of those computer blinks shows a minuscule drop in a stockprice

      Warren Buffett is far from that kind of frenzy

      He moves withthe calm that comes with great confi dence

      He has no need towatch a dozen computer screens at once;

      the minute by minutechanges in the market are of no interest to him

      Warren Buffettdoes not think in seconds minutes days months or quarters butin years

      He doesn ’t need to keep up with hundreds of companies

      his common stock investments are focused in a select few

      He refers to himself as a “focus investor”—“We just focus on a fewoutstanding companies ”

      This approach called focus investing greatly simplifi es the task of portfolio management

      Focus investing

      Focus investing is a remarkably simple idea and yet like mostsimple ideas it rests on a complex foundation of interlocking concepts

      we look more closely at the effects focusinvesting produces

      The goal here is to give you a new way of thinkingabout portfolio management

      current state of portfolio management

      ( ) active portfoliomanagement

      Active portfolio managers are constantly at work buying andselling a great number of common stocks

      Their job is to try tokeep their clients satisfi ed or risk losing clients and ultimately theirjobs To stay on top active managers try to predict what will happenwith stocks in the coming months so at the end of the quarter theportfolio is in good relative shape and the client is happy

      Index investing

      Index investing in contrast is a buy and hold approach

      Itinvolves assembling and then holding a broadly diversifi ed portfolioof common stocks deliberately designed to mimic the behaviorof a specifi c benchmark index such as the Standard & Poor ’s

      Active portfolio managers argue that by virtue of their superiorstock picking skills they can do better than any index

      Index strategists for their part have history on their side

      “By periodically investing in an indexfund ” Buffett says in his inimitable style “the know nothing investorscan actually outperform most investment professionals

      third alternative

      a very different kind of active portfolio strategythat signifi cantly increases the odds of beating the index

      Thatalternative is focus investing

      focus investing

      Choose a few stocks that are likely to produce aboveaveragereturns over the long haul concentrate the bulk of yourinvestments in those stocks and have the fortitude to hold steadyduring any short term market gyrations

      concentrating your investmentsin companies with the highest probability of above averageperformance

      the ideal portfolio should containno more than stocks

      The Mathematics of Focus Investing

      The Mathematics of Focus Investing

      • Probability Theory and the Market
      • Kelly Optimization
      • Munger on Betting Odds
      • The Element of Psychology
      • From Theory to Reality

      Focus Investors in Graham and Doddsville

      • John Maynard Keynes
      • Charles Munger Partnership
      • Sequoia Fund
      • Lou Simpson
      • The Real Measure of Worth
      • A Variety of Measuring Sticks
  • Chapter 06 : The Psychology of Investing
    • learn two very importantlessons
      • First was the value of patience

        second although shorttermchanges in stock prices may have little to do with value theycan have a lot do with emotional discomfort

    • The Intersection of Psychology and Economics
      • The study of what makes us all tick is endlessly fascinating It is particularlyintriguing to me that it plays such a strong role in investing a world that is generally presumed to be dominated by coldnumbers and soulless data When it comes to investment decisions our behavior is sometimes erratic often contradictory and occasionallygoofy

        What is particularly alarming and what all investors need tograsp is that they are often unaware of their bad decisions

        Tofully understand the markets and investing we now know we haveto understand our own irrationalities

        The study of the psychology ofmisjudgment is every bit as valuable to an investor as the analysisof a balance sheet and an income statement

        Meet Mr Market

        The Intelligent Investor

        Graham devoted considerable space toexplaining how investor emotions trigger stock market fl uctuations

        Graham fi gured that an investor ’s worst enemy was not thestock market but oneself

        They might have superior abilities inmathematics fi nance and accounting but people who could notmaster their emotions were ill suited to profi t from the investmentprocess

        • important principles to Graham ’s approach
          • simply looking at stocks as businesses
            • gives you an entirelydifferent view than most people who are in the market
          • margin of safety concept
            • which “gives you the competitiveedge
          • having a true investor ’s attitude towardthe stock market
            • If you have that attitude “you startout ahead of percent of all the people who are operating in thestock market—it is an enormous advantage

        behavioral fi nance

        • place wherefi nance intersects with psychology

        Behavioral Finance

        Behavioral fi nance is an investigative study that seeks to explain marketineffi ciencies by using psychological theories

        Observing thatpeople often make foolish mistakes and illogical assumptions whendealing with their own fi nancial affairs academics began to digdeeper into psychological concepts to explain the irrationalities inpeople ’s thinking It is a relatively new fi eld of study but what we arelearning is fascinating as well as eminently useful to smart investors

    • Behavioral Finance
      • Overconfidence
        • Several psychological studies have pointed out that errors in judgmentoccur because people in general are overconfi dent

          Ask alarge sample of people to describe their skills at driving a car

          overwhelming majority will say they are above average

          Doctors believe they can diagnose pneumonia with percent confi dence when in fact they are right only percentof the time

          “One of the hardest things to imagine is that you arenot smarter than average ”

          the sobering reality is that noteveryone can be better than average

          Confi dence per se is not a bad thing But overconfi dence isanother matter and it can be particularly damaging when we aredealing with our fi nancial affairs

          Overconfi dent investors not onlymake silly decisions for themselves but also have a powerful effecton the market as a whole

          Investors as a rule are highly confi dent they are smarter thaneveryone else

          They have a tendency to overestimate their skills andtheir knowledge

          They typically rely on information that confi rmswhat they believe and disregard contrary information

          the mind works to assess whatever information is readily availablerather than to seek out information that is little known

          Too often investors and money managers are endowed with a belief that theyhave better information and therefore can profi t by outsmartingother investors

          Overconfi dence explains why so many money managers makewrong calls

          They take too much confi dence from the informationthey gather and think they are more right than they actually are

      • Overreaction Bias
        • One of the most important names in the fi eld of behavioral fi nanceis Richard Thaler professor of behavioral science and economics who moved from Cornell to the University of Chicago with thesole purpose of questioning the rational behavior of investors

          Hepoints to several recent studies that demonstrate that people pu too much emphasis on a few chance events thinking that theyspot a trend

          investors tend to fi x on the most recentinformation they received and extrapolate from it; the last earningsreport thus becomes in their mind a signal of future earnings

          believing that they see what others do not they make quickdecisions based on superfi cial reasoning

          Overconfi dence is at work here of course; people believe theyunderstand the data more clearly than others and interpret it better

          Overconfi dence is exacerbated byoverreaction The behaviorists have learned that people tend tooverreact to bad news and react slowly to good news

          Psychologistscall this overreaction bias

          To illustrate his ideas about overreaction Thaler developeda simple analysis He took all the stocks on the New York StockExchange and ranked them by performance over the precedingfi ve years He isolated the best performers (those that went upin price the most) and the worst performers (those that wentdown the most) and created hypothetical portfolios of those stocks Then he held those portfolios for a subsequent fi ve years and watched as “losers” outperformed “winners” percent ofthe time In the real world Thaler believes few investors wouldhave had the fortitude to resist overreacting at the fi rst sign of aprice downturn and would have missed the benefi ts when the losersbegan to move in the other direction

          Is this constant fi xation on stock prices healthy for investors?

          “Invest in equities and then don ’t the mail ”

          “And don ’t check your computer or your phone orany other device every minute ”

      • Loss Aversion
        • This psychological condition was discovered years ago by twogiants in the fi eld Nobel laureate Daniel Kahneman whom we metearlier in the chapter and Amos Tversky professor of psychologyat Stanford University The two men longtime collaborators wereinterested in the theory of decision making

          “ProspectTheory: An Analysis of Decision under Risk

          value is assigned individually to gains and losses

          Kahneman and Tversky were able to prove that people do not lookat fi nal wealth as dictated by utility theory but rather they focuson the incremental gains and losses that contribute to their fi nalwealth

          The most important discovery in prospect theory was therealization that people are loss averse

          were able to prove mathematically that people regret lossesmore than they welcome gains of the same size—two to two andone half times more

          peopleneed twice as much positive to overcome a negative

          asymmetric loss aversion

          peopleneed twice as much positive to overcome a negative On a bet with precisely even odds most people will not risk anythingunless the potential gain is twice as high as the potential loss

          The downsidehas a greater impact than the upside

          investors feel twice as bad about losing money as they feel goodabout picking a winner

          This aversion to loss makes investors unduly conservative Participants in (k) plans whose time horizons are decades stillkeep large amounts of their money invested in the bond market

          Mental Accounting

          Why would anyone with a long term horizon want to own bonds overstocks when they know that stocks have consistently outperformed?

          The answer they believed rested on two central concepts

          • loss aversion
          • mental accounting behavioral concept
            • which describes the methods people use to codefi nancial outcomes

              It refers to our habit of shifting our perspectiveon money as surrounding circumstances change

              We tend to mentallyput money into different “accounts ” and that determines howwe think about using it

              A simple situation

              A simple situation will illustrate Let us imagine that you havejust returned home from an evening out with your spouse Youreach for your wallet to pay the babysitter but discover that the$ bill you thought was there is not So when you drive the sitterhome you stop by an ATM machine and get another $ Then thenext day you discover the original $ bill in your jacket pocket If you ’re like most people you react with something like glee The $ in the jacket is found money Even though the fi rst $ and the second $ both came from your checking account andboth represent money you worked hard for the $ bill you hold inyour hand is money you didn ’t expect to have and you feel free tospend it frivolously

              Once again Richard Thaler provides an interesting academicexperiment to demonstrate this concept In his study he startedwith two groups of people People in the fi rst group were given $ in cash and told they had two choices: ( ) pocket the money andwalk away or ( ) gamble on a coin fl ip in which if they won theywould get $ extra and if they lost they would have $ deducted Most ( percent) took the gamble because they fi gured theywould at the very least end up with $ of found money Those inthe second group were offered a different choice: ( ) try a gambleon a coin toss: if they win they ’d get $ and if they lost they ’dget $ or ( ) get an even $ with no coin toss More than half( percent) decided to take the sure money Both groups of peoplestood to win the exact same amount of money with the exactsame odds but the situation was perceived differently

              The implications are clear: how we decide to invest and howwe choose to manage those investments has a great deal to do withhow we think about money

              been suggested as one further reason why people don ’t sell stocksthat are doing badly: In their minds the loss doesn ’t become realuntil it is acted on It also helps us understand our risk tolerance:We are far more likely to take risks with found money

      • Myopic Loss Aversion
        • would be willing toaccept the following bet: a percent chance of winning $ ora percent chance of losing $

          According to Samuelson thecolleague turned down the initial offer but then reconsidered Hewould happily play the game he said if he could play timesand did not have to watch each individual outcome The willingnessto play the game under a new set of rules sparked an idea

          Samuelson ’s colleague was willing to accept the wager with twoqualifi ers

          • lengthen the time horizon for the game
          • reduce thefrequency in which he was forced to watch the outcomes

          Movingthat observation into investing Thaler and Benartzi reasoned thatthe longer the investor holds an asset the more attractive the assetbecomes but only if the investment is not evaluated frequently

          When analyzing historical investment returns we fi nd that thevast majority of long term returns are a result of just percent of alltrading months The return of the remaining percent averagesout to approximately zero

          What is clear then is that evaluatingperformance over shorter periods of time increases the chances thatyou will see a loss in your portfolio If you check your portfolio daily there is a chance you will experience a loss The odds don ’timprove much if you extend the evaluation period to a month

          myopic loss aversion

          • to refl ect a combination of loss aversion and frequency

            frequent evaluation period

            How long would investorsneed to hold stocks without checking their performance to reachthe point of being indifferent to the myopic loss aversions of stocksversus bonds?

            The answer: one year

            Thaler and Bernatzi examined the return standard deviation and positive return probability for stocks with time horizons ofone hour one day one week one month one year years and years

            Next they employed a simple utility function based onKahneman and Tversky ’s loss aversion factor of (utility = probabilityof price increase ? probability of decline × )

            Based on themath an investor ’s emotional utility factor did not cross over to apositive number until it reached a one year observable time period

            Thaler and Bernatzi argue that any time we talk about loss aversionwe must also consider the frequency with which returns arecalculated If investors evaluate their portfolios over shorter andshorter time periods then it is clear that they will be less attractedto volatile stocks “Loss aversion is a fact of life ” explain Thalerand Benartzi “In contrast the frequency of evaluations is a policychoice that presumably could be altered at least in principle

      • The Lemming Factor
        • One other psychological trap that beckons investors is the temptationto follow what everyone else is doing whether or not it makessense We might call it the lemming fallacy

          Soon this bold group begins to move in daylight When confrontedby barriers the number of lemmings in the pack increases until apanic like reaction drives them through or over the obstacle As thisbehavior intensifi es lemmings begin to challenge other animalsthey normally would avoid Although many lemmings die from starvation predators and accidents most reach the sea There theyplunge in and swim until they die from exhaustion

          The behavior of lemmings is not fully understood Zoologiststheorize that the mass migration occurs because of changes in theirfood supply and or stressful conditions The crowding and competitionamong lemmings possibly evoke a hormonal change thatinduces an alteration in behavior

          Why do so many investors behave like lemmings?

          An oil prospector

          An oil prospector moving to his heavenly reward was met bySt Peter with bad news “You ’re qualifi ed for residence ” said St Peter “but as you can see the compound for oilmen is packed There ’s no way to squeeze you in ” After thinking for a moment the prospector asked if he might say just four words to the presentoccupants That seemed harmless to St Peter so he gave hisokay The prospector cupped his hand and yelled “Oil discoveredin hell ” Immediately the gates to the compound ed and allthe oilmen rushed out

          Impressed St Peter invited the prospectorto move in and make himself comfortable The prospector paused “No ” he said “I think I ’ll go along with the rest of the boys Theremight be some truth to that rumor after all ”

          “Most managers ”Buffett has said “have very little incentive to make the intelligentbut with some chance of looking like an idiot decision Their personalgain loss ratio is all too obvious; if an unconventional decision worksout well they get a pat on the back and if it works out poorly theyget a pink slip Failing conventionally is the route to go; as a group lemmings may have a rotten image but no individual lemming hasever received bad press ”

      • Managing the Emotional Traps
        • He does not need to look at stock prices every day because he does not need the market ’s affi rmation to convince himhe has made the right investment

          “I don ’t need astock price to tell me what I already know about value ”

          Ben Graham reminded us that “most of the time commonstocks are subject to irrational and excessive price fl uctuations inboth directions as the consequence of the ingrained tendencyof most people to speculate or gamble—i e to give way to hope fear and greed ” Investors must be prepared he cautioned forups and downs in the market And he meant prepared psychologicallyas well as fi nancially—not merely knowing intellectually that adownturn will happen but having the emotional wherewithal to actappropriately when it does

          “The investor who permits himself to be stampeded or undulyworried by unjustifi ed market declines in his holdings is perverselytransforming his basic advantage into a basic disadvantage ” said

    • And on the Other Side Warren Buffett
      • Harry Markowitz—Covariance
        • Journal of Finance

          Markowitz explained what hebelieved was a rather simple notion that return and risk are inextricablylinked and presented the calculations that supported his conclusionthat no investor can achieve above average gains withoutassuming above average risk

          PortfolioSelection: Effi cient Diversifi cation of Investments

          In what many believe was his greatest contribution he nowturned his attention to measuring the riskiness of an entire portfolio

          covariance

          • a method for measuring the direction ofa group of stocks

            The more they move in the same direction thegreater is the chance that economic shifts will drive them down at thesame time

            a portfolio composed of risky stocks might actually be a conservative selection if the individual stockprices move differently

            Markowitz said diversifi cationis the key

            The smart course for investors he concluded is fi rst toidentify the level of risk they are comfortable handling and thento construct an effi cient diversifi ed portfolio of low covariance stocks

      • Eugene Fama—The Efficient Market
        • Predictionsabout future stock prices are pointless because the market is tooeffi cient

          In an effi cient market as information becomes available a great many smart people aggressively apply that information in away that causes prices to adjust instantaneously before anyone canprofi t

          At any given point prices refl ect all available informationand hence we say the market is effi cient

      • Bill Sharpe—Capital Asset Pricing Model
        • A Simplifi edModel of Portfolio Analysis

          Sharpe suggested a simpler method Sharpe believed that all securities bore a common relationship withsome underlying base factor and therefore analysis was simply amatter of measuring the volatility of an individual security to its basefactor He gave his volatility measure a name: beta factor

          beta factor

          • volatility measure

          CAPM

          capital asset pricing model

          a direct extension of hissingle factor model for composing effi cient portfolios

          CAPM saysthat stocks carry two distinct risks

          One risk is simply the risk ofbeing in the market

          systemic risk

          Systemic riskis “beta” and it cannot be diversifi ed away

          unsystemic risk

          is the risk specifi c to a company ’s economic position

          Unlike systemic risk unsystemic risk can be diversifi ed away by simplyadding different stocks to the portfolio

          modern portfolio theory

          • Markowitz with his idea that the proper reward risk balancedepends on diversifi cation
          • Fama with his theory of the effi cientmarket
          • Sharpe with his defi nition of risk
      • Buffett on Risk and Diversification
        • Buffett has a different defi nition of risk

          the possibility of harmor injury

          that is a factor of the “intrinsic value risk” of a business not the price behavior of the stock

          The real risk Buffett says is whether after tax returns from an investment “will give him [aninvestor] at least as much purchasing power as he had to beginwith plus a modest rate of interest on that initial stake

          Risk for Buffett is inextricably linked to an investor ’s time horizon

          If you buy a stock today with the intention of selling it tomorrow Buffett explains then you have entered into a risky transaction

          Theodds are no better than the toss of a coin—you will lose about halfthe time

          if you extend your time horizon outto several years the probability of its being a risky transaction declinesmeaningfully assuming of course that you have made a sensible purchase

          “If you ask me to assess the risk of buying Coca Cola this morningand selling it tomorrow morning ” Buffett says “I ’d say that that ’sa very risky transaction ” But in Buffett ’s way of thinking buyingCoca Cola this morning and holding it for years that ’s zero risk

          Buffett ’s unique view on risk also drives his portfolio diversification strategy

          here too his thinking is the polar opposite ofmodern portfolio theory

          According to the theory remember theprimary benefi t of a broadly diversifi ed portfolio is to mitigatethe price volatility of the individual stocks

          But if you are unconcernedwith short term price volatility as Buffett is then you willalso see portfolio diversifi cation in a different light

          Diversifi cation serves as a protection against ignorance

          “If you want to make sure that nothing bad happensto you relative to the market you should own everything

          modern portfolio theory protects investors who havelimited knowledge and understanding of how to value a business

          modernportfolio theory “will tell you how to do average

          almost anybody can fi gure out how to do average by fi fth grade

          if the effi cient market theory (EMT) is correct there isno possibility except a random chance that any person or groupcould outperform the market and certainly no chance that thesame person or group could consistently do so

          Yet Buffett ’s performancerecord for the past years is prima facie evidence thatit is possible especially when combined with the experience ofother bright individuals who also have beaten the market followingBuffett ’s lead

          Buffett ’s problem with the effi cient market theory rests on onecentral point

          It makes no provision for investors who analyze all theavailable information and gain a competitive advantage by doingso

          Observing correctly that the market is frequently effi cient theywent on to conclude incorrectly that it was always effi cient The differencebetween these propositions is night and day ”

          investors are caught at an intellectual and deeply emotionalcrossroads To the left lies the pathway of modern portfoliotheory The theory has a year history full of academic papers neat formulas and Nobel Prize winners It seeks to get investorsfrom point A to point B with as little price volatility as possible thereby minimizing the emotional pain of a bumpy ride Believingthe market is effi cient hence price and intrinsic value are one andthe same adherents to modern portfolio theory focus on price fi rstand asset value later—or sometimes not at all

          To the right lies the pathway that Warren Buffett and other successfulinvestors have taken It is a year history that is full of lifeexperiences simple arithmetic and long term business owners Itseeks to get investors from point A to point B not by providing a

          smooth short term price ride but by orchestrating an investmentapproach that seeks to maximize on an economic risk adjustedbasis the intrinsic value rate of growth Proponents of the Buffettapproach do not believe the market is always effi cient Instead theyfocus on asset values fi rst and prices later—or sometimes not at all

    • Why Psychology Matters
      • In Daniel Kahneman—a psychologist—was awarded theNobel Prize in economics “for having integrated insights fromthe psychological research into economic science especially concerninghuman judgment and decision making under certainty ”

        That signaled the formal arrival of behavioral fi nance as a legitimateforce in how to think about capital markets

        Despite computerprograms and boxes it is still people who make markets

        Because emotions are stronger than reason fear and greedmove stock prices above and below a company ’s intrinsic value

        When people are greedy or scared Buffett says they often willsell stocks at foolish prices

        In the short run investor sentiment—human emotion—has a more pronounced impact on stock pricesthan a company ’s fundamentals

        Long before behavioral fi nance had a name it was understoodand accepted by a few renegades like Warren Buffett andCharlie Munger Charlie points out that when he and Buffett leftgraduate school they “entered the business world to fi nd huge predictablepatterns of extreme irrationality ” He is not talking aboutpredicting the timing but rather the idea that when irrationalitydoes occur it leads to predictable patterns of subsequent behavior

        When it comesto investing emotions are very real in the sense that they affectpeople ’s behavior and thus ultimately affect market prices Youhave already sensed

        two reasons why understandingthe human dynamic is so valuable in your own investing

        ( ) Youwill have guidelines to help you avoid the most common mistakes

        ( ) You will be able to recognize other people ’s mistakes in time toprofi t from them

        All of us are vulnerable to individual errors of judgment whichcan affect our personal success When a thousand or a million peoplemake errors of judgment the collective impact is to push themarket in a destructive direction Then so strong is the temptationto follow the crowd accumulated bad judgment only compoundsitself In a turbulent sea of irrational behavior the few who actrationally may well be the only survivors

        the only antidote to emotion driven misjudgment isrationality especially when applied over the long haul with patientperseverance

  • Chapter 07 : The Value of Patience
    • In his epic masterpiece War and Peace Leo Tolstoy made this profoundobservation: “The strongest of all warriors are these two—time and patience ”

      All market activity lies on a time continuum

      Moving from leftto right we observe buy sell decisions that occur in microseconds minutes hours days weeks months years and decades

      (shorter time frame)

      • it is unclear exactly where the demarcation line is located it is generallyagreed that activity on the left side (shorter time frame) ismore likely to be speculation

      (longertimes)

      • activity on the right side (longertimes) is considered investing

      Why are so many people franticallyscrabbling on the far left trying to make as much money as fast aspossible?

      Is it greed?

      Is it a mistaken belief that they can predictchanges in market psychology?

      Or could it be that they have lostfaith in the possibility of achieving positive long term investmentreturns after experiencing two bear markets and a fi nancial crisisover the past decade?

      the answer to all three questionsis yes

      For the Long Term

      • EquilibriumShort Horizons of Investors and Firms

        cost of arbitrage

        risk is the amount of uncertainty over the outcome

        return is the amount of money made on the investment

        in order to generate substantial returnsfrom short term arbitrage the strategy must be employed frequently over and over again

        to increase your investment return beyond what a speculatorwould likely receive you must be willing to increase the cost of theinvestment (the amount of time your money is invested) as wellas take on more risk (uncertainty as to when the outcome will beresolved)

        Speculators work in short horizon periodsand accept smaller returns

        Investors operate over long horizonperiods and expect larger returns

        In long horizon arbitrage do large returns from buying and holding common stocks actuallyexist?

        We calculated the one year return trailing three year return and trailing fi ve year return (price only) between and During this year period the average number of stocks in theS&P index that doubled in any one year averaged percent or about nine stocks out of Over three year rolling periods percent of stocks doubled about stocks out of In rollingfi ve year blocks percent doubled about out of

        Over the long term do largereturns from buying and holding stocks actually exist?

        The answeris indisputably yes And unless you think a double over fi ve years istrivial this equates to a percent average annual compoundedreturn

      Rationality: The Critical Difference

      • Rationalism according to the Oxford American Dictionary is a beliefthat one ’s opinions or actions should be based on reason andknowledge rather than emotional responses

        A rational person thinks clearly sensibly and logically

        rationality is not the same as intelligence

        Smart people can do dumb things

        dysrationalia

        • —the inability to think andbehave rationally despite high intelligence

        two principal causes of dysrationalia

        • first is a processing problem
        • second is a content problem

        we humans process poorly

        When solving aproblem he says people have different cognitive mechanisms tochoose from

        At one end of the thinking spectrum are mechanismsthat have great computational power

        It is a slower process of thinking andrequires a great deal of concentration

        At the opposite end of thethinking spectrum are mechanisms with very little computationalpower

        they require very little concentration and permit quick decisions

        Humans are cognitive misers

        becauseour basic tendency is to default to the processing mechanisms thatrequire less computational effort even if they are less accurate

        Ina word humans are lazy thinkers

        They take the easy way out whensolving problems; as a result their solutions are often illogical

      Slow Moving Ideas

      • The slowmovingidea is not intellectually diffi cult to grasp but it is morelaborious than relying on the “straightforward and obvious ”

        Treynor on Institutional Investing

        “two kinds of investment ideas

        • (a) those whoseimplications are straightforward and obvious take relatively littlespecial expertise to evaluate and consequently travel quickly

          (b) those that require refl ection judgment and special expertisefor their evaluation and consequently travel slowly

      System and System

      two modes of thinking

      intuition

      • which produces “quick and associative” cognition

      reason

      • slow and rule governed

      System thinking

      • where simple and straightforwardideas travel quickly

        takes little time and not much intellectualwork to calculate a price earnings ratio or a dividend yield

      System thinking

      refl ective part of our cognition process

      It operates in a controlled manner slowly and with effort

      Our“slow moving ideas” that require “refl ection judgment and specialexpertise” are housed in System thinking

      The Mindware Gap

      • Psychologists who studydecision making refer to content defi ciency as a mindware gap

        mindwareis all the rules strategies procedures and knowledge peoplehave at their mental disposal to help solve a problem

        “Just as kitchenwareconsists of tools for working in the kitchen and softwareconsists in tools with your computer mindware consists in the toolsfor the mind ”

        A piece of mindware is anything aperson can learn that extends the person ’s general powers to thinkcritically and creatively

      Time and Patience

  • Chapter 08 : The World’s Greatest Investor
    • The Private Buffett
    • The Buffett Advantage
      • Behavioral Advantage
      • Analytical Advantage
      • Organizational Advantage
    • Learning to Think Like Buffett
      • Business Tenets
      • Management Tenets
      • Financial Tenets
      • Market Tenets
    • Finding Your Own Way
  • What do you think about the book?
  • Conclusions:
  • Recommendations:
  • Compiled By:
    • blindcaveman.wordpress.com
    • Rigel Arcayan

MindMap-BookSummary: The Brain That Changes Itself

MindMap-BookSummary: The Brain That Changes Itself

  • Preface
    • Braint Plasticity
      • Definition-pertaining to the nerves and/or brain and plastic – moldable or changeable in structure

        Refers to changes in neural pathways and synapses which are due to changes in behavior, environment and neural processes, as well as changes resulting from bodily injury

        Human brain can change itself

        Without operation or medications, our brain has the ability to change

        Brain function can be preseve as we aged

    • Long standing theory
      • 1. Brain change only as it began the process of decline

        2. When brain cells failed to develop properly, or were injured, or died, they could not be replaced

        3. Brain ever alter its structure and fi nd a new way to function if part of it is damaged

        4. The theory of the unchanging brain decreed that people who were born with brain or mental limitations, or who sustained brain damage, would be limited or damaged for life.

        5. Many brain problems was in effec tive or even unwarranted

        6. Since the brain could not change, human nature, which emerges from it, seemed necessarily fixed and unalterable as well

    • Hardwiring
      • “Hardwiring” was another machine meta phor coming from the idea of the brain as computer hardware, with permanently connected circuits, each designed to perform a specifi c, unchangeable function.

        Human brain is not hardwired

    • Discoveries
      • brain changed its very structure with each different activity it performed
      • deaf hears
      • stroke patients recover
      • learning disorder cured
      • IQ raised
      • memory improved
      • incurable obessesion and traumas cured
      • addictions to drugs, sex, perversion cured
    • Problems of Nueroplasticity
      • It renders our brains not only more resourceful but also more vulnerable to outside influences.

        Neuro plas ticity has the power to produce more flexible but also more rigid behaviors—a phenomenon called “the plastic paradox.”

        Ironically, some of our most stubborn habits and disorders are products of our plasticity. Once a particular plastic change occurs in the brain and becomes well established, it can prevent other changes from occurring

  • Chapter 1-A Woman Perpetually Falling
    • Rescued by the Man Who Discovered the Plasticity of Our Senses
    • And they saw the voices. Exodus 20:18
    • Cheryl lost her balance but later regained it
    • Vestibular Sensor
      • Balance system
      • Sense of spatial orientation
      • Provides information related to movement and head position
      • Development of balance, coordination, eye control, attention
  • Chapter 2-Building Herself a Better Brain
    • A Woman Labeled “Retarded” Discovers How to Heal Herself

      confusing assortment of serious learning disabilities

      The area of her brain devoted to speech, Broca’s area, was not working properly,

      trouble pronouncing words.

      understood nothing in real time, only after the fact, in lag time

      did not understand what was happening around her while it was occurring

      thoughts are faster than speech and leave chunks of information

      When we write a thought, our brain converts the words—which are symbols—into movements of the fingers and hands

  • Chapter 3-Redesigning the Brain
  • Chapter 4-Acquiring Tastes and Loves
  • Chapter 5-Midnight Resurrections
  • Chapter 6-Brain Lock Unlocked
  • Chapter 7-Pain
  • Chapter 8-Imagination
  • Chapter 9-Turning Our Ghosts into Ancestors
  • Chapter 10-Rejuvenation
  • Chapter 11-More than the Sum of Her Parts
  • Terms
    • Spatial Reasoning
      • Spatial reasoning is also necessary for forming a mental map of where things are
    • Kinesthetic perception
      • Kinesthetic perception allows us to be aware of where our body or limbs are in space, enabling us to control and coordinate our movements.
    • Compensations
      • Once brain cells die or fail to develop, they cannot be restored. Compensations work around the problem

        Activity can produce changes in the structure of the brain.

Mindmap-Book Summary-StopCaretaking

Mindmap-Book Summary-StopCaretaking

  • About Stop Caretaking
    • Date Read: October 22, 2015
    • Author: Margalis Fjelstad
    • ISBN: 978-1-4422-2019-5
    • 229 pages
    • MyRating: 5 Stars
  • I: Understanding the Caretaker Role
  • Are You A Caretaker? 40 Caretaker Test Questions
    • Rate each question using the scale of 1 to 5 that most accurately reflects how you act in your significant relationship with a partner, coworker or family member; 1 represents“almost never ” and 5 represents “almost always.”. Low Score = You are not a caretaker

      1. I find it hard to say “no” to my partner

      2. I often do not know what I want.

      3. I frequently find myself angry or upset after talking to my partner.

      4. Even when I tell my partner “no ” I find myself doing what he or she wants anyway

      5. I find that I have given up friendships to please my partner

      6. When my partner says mean or disparaging comments to me I ignore them or hide my hurt.

      7. I have learned to act “as if” I am okay even when I’m not.

      8. I put up with a lot of behaviors from my partner that my friends would not

      9. I find that I have to say things very carefully to my partner or he or she will get angry or hurt.

      10. I cover up behaviors and comments that my partner makes that are rude or hurtful

      11. I expect myself to be more responsible than other people.

      12. I should always try to make my partner feel better when he or she feels angry hurt or sad.

      13. I often feel that people let me down

      14. I hold myself to more exacting standards than I hold my partner

      15. I know I could make my partner feel and act better if I would just do what he or she wants

      16. If my partner is happy then I am happy

      17. When I have a desperate need to be close and connected with my partner he or she rarely wants to.

      18. I know that it is entirely up to me to make things work with my partner

      19. When things are going well with my partner I can forget our problems

      20. I chastise myself for behaviors that I forgive and accept in others.

      21. I can’t be happy unless my partner is happy

      22. I can’t seem to predict whether my partner will be happy or angry in any given situation

      23. I am convinced that if I just try hard enough I can get my partner to be nicer to me

      24. I feel the most love toward my partner when I am not in his or her presence.

      25. I find I am bored in relationships that do not have a lot of intensity or emotion

      26. I often feel confused or surprised by my partner’s reactions to everyday problems

      27. It is more important to me to make my partner happy than to be happy myself

      28. Although I am often angry at my partner I just try harder to please him or her

      29. Every time my partner is happy or pleased I find my hope renewed that our relationship will now be much better

      30. Even when I feel hopeless about the relationship with my partner I feel extremely guilty about leaving him or her

      31. Being rejected by my partner is the worst thing that I can think of happening to me

      32. When someone I don’t know very well is being especially nice to me I feel nervous or uncomfortable or undeserving 652

      33. I do nice things for my partner and then I get angry when he or she doesn’t do nice things for me.

      34. I try to anticipate my partner’s needs or wants so that he or she will be pleased with me and not be angry

      35. I feel depressed or discouraged but I don’t know why

      36. I feel extremely nervous or anxious around my partner

      37. The more perfect I can be the better people like me

      38. I try to never make mistakes

      39. I find it hard to sit quietly for even a few minutes

      40. I find it hard to express anger outwardly so I keep it to 1 2 3 4 5myself although sometimes I finally blow up.

      SCORING 1 -146

      • 1–80 1 235
        • Non-Caretaker. You have a sympathetic and kindheartednature. You have some distortions in your thinking butthey don’t get in your way 1 Black notBold notItalic open FitWidth 235
      • 81–120 1 235
        • Protesting Colluder. You may never have been aCaretaker in other relationships but you find yourselffeeling guilty and responsible for this partner. Your highlevel of loyalty and logic keep you determined to work onthis relationship until you get it right 1 Black notBold notItalic open FitWidth 235
      • 121–160 1 235
        • Pathological Altruism. No matter how hard you try in thisrelationship you often feel disappointed depressed andunappreciated. Although you would like to be treatedbetter you ignore or reject help compliments andkindness from others preferring to do things yourself. Youoften feel depressed. 1 Black notBold notItalic open FitWidth 235
      • 161–200 1 235
        • Self-Defeater. You have been in numerous relationshipswhere you felt rejected humiliated or unloved. You maynot even remember a time when you felt hopeful or happy.You may have been sexually or physically abused and youdon’t feel deserving of love. Yet you have a determinationto keep trying to make your relationships work and youkeep alive a wish to have love and caring in your life. 1 Black notBold notItalic open FitWidth 235
  • Chapter-1 Is My Partner Really a Borderline or Narcissist?
    • WHAT IS A PERSONALITY DISORDER?
      • Personality is considered to be the pattern of behaviors motivations thoughts ways of speaking sense of self individual quirkiness and so onthat is unique to a specific person.

        We “know” a person by his or her personality.

        We think of personality as a pretty stable (though not totally unchanging)way that a person thinks feels and behaves

        Personality seems to be the sum total ofour genetic and learned experiences and the way we put millions of pieces ofexperience together to form a whole sense of self.

        Typically we expectourselves and our friends and family to maintain pretty much the same personalitiesover our lifetime and we usually do.

        There is an orderly way of learning to be a person. As our brains developand we interact with our parents and friends we develop stable ways ofdefining ourselves and our relationships

        As we grow to adulthood we learnthe rules of social interaction. We move from dependency to increasingautonomy. We learn who we are in relation to others and we develop anunderstanding of what to expect in our dealings with other people. We developa sense of esteem that is caring concern and value for ourselves. Welearn that we can pretty much count on being basically the same person withthe same behaviors and social abilities from day to day. We also learn tocount on others in the same way. 3

    • BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER (BPD) 106
      • The clinical term “borderline personality disorder” came into use to describeongoing long-lasting dysfunctional behaviors in people who did not have afull-blown psychosis such as schizophrenia but who also were significantlymore dysfunctional than people with problems of anxiety and depression 106

        BPD is described by the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders(4th ed.) (DSM-IV) as a “pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonalrelationships self-image and affects or moods and marked impulsivity beginningby early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts ” including atleast five of the following 106

        at least five of the following

        • 1. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment
        • 2. A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships.
        • 3. Unstable self-image or sense of self
        • 4. Impulsivity
        • 5. Recurrent suicidal behavior gestures or threats of self-mutilation 27
        • 6. Mood instability reactivity depression anxiety rage and despair
        • 7. Chronic feelings of emptiness
        • 8. Inappropriate intense anger or difficulty controlling anger
        • 9. Transient stress-related paranoid ideas or severe dissociative symptoms.

        five areas

        • 1. Emotional Instability
          • Intense emotional neediness which may be covered up by a facade ofindependence

            Sudden emotional outbursts of rage and despair that seem random

            Belief that the emotions of the moment are totally accurate and will lastforever.

            Inaccurate memory of emotional events even changing the meaning of theevents after the fact

            Seeing their emotions as being caused by others or by events outsidethemselves with no belief that they have any sort of control over theirown emotions.

            Believing that the only way to change how they feel is to get other peopleor events to change

            Ongoing intense anxiety and fear

        • 2. Thought Instability 477
          • All-or-nothing thinking (e.g. loving you intensely and just as quicklyreversing to hating you or thinking that they are a total failure or conversely immensely superior).

            Intense belief in their own perceptions despite facts to the contrary

            Their interpretation of events is the only truth

            Constantly searching for the “hidden meaning” (always negative) in conversationsand events

            Cannot be persuaded by fact or logic

            Do not see the effect of their own behavior on others

            Deny the perceptions of others

            Accuse others of saying and doing things they didn’t say or do

            Deny (even forget) negative or positive events from the past that conflictwith current feelings.

        • Behavioral Instability
  • Chapter-2 Why the Borderline NarcissistNeeds a Caretaker
    • LIVING WITH THE BORDERLINE NARCISSIST PERSON
    • HOW THE BORDERLINE NARCISSIST FUNCTIONSIN RELATIONSHIPS
    • THE DANCE OF INTIMATE HOSTILITY
    • HOW CARETAKERS SEE RELATIONSHIPS 29
    • WHY THE BP NP NEEDS THE CARETAKER
    • HOW THE CARETAKER ROLE KEEPS THE FAMILYFUNCTIONING
    • THE DRAMA TRIANGLE
      • persecutor
        • The persecutor has the attitude of “It’s all your fault.” This role includesblaming criticizing anger rigid demands rules and expectations all aimedat the victim.
      • victim
        • The victim carries the stance of “Poor me.” The person in this role feelshopeless powerless overwhelmed and helpless. The victim refuses to makedecisions take action or solve problems and remains clueless to what ishappening and how to fix it. Thus the victim never has to take responsibilityfor anything
      • rescuer
        • The rescuer has the job to “help ” whether he or she actually wants to ornot. It is a demand fueled by external and internal guilt that almost “forces”you to take care of protecting anyone who acts like a victim. This role worksto keep the victim dependent while also giving him or her an excuse to fail
  • Chapter-3 What Is a Caretaker?
    • THE CARETAKER’S JOB
    • HOW CARETAKING IS DIFFERENT FROM CODEPENDENCY
    • HOW AND WHY YOU LEARNED TO BE A CARETAKER
    • HOW THE BP NP MANIPULATES YOU TO STAY IN THECARETAKER ROLE
      • Fear
      • Obligation
      • Guilt
      • Delusions
      • Rigid Family Rules and Roles
      • Blaming the Caretaker 247
      • Mystification 34
      • Giving as a Requirement to Receive 497
      • Emotional Merging 20
      • Lack of Intimacy 20
      • Fear of Intimacy 351
    • WHY WOULD ANYONE WANT TO BE A CARETAKER? 2
    • WHY DIDN’T YOU BECOME A BP NP? 258
  • Chapter Emotional Distortions of Caretakers
    • EMOTIONAL UNDERREACTIVITY
    • EMOTIONAL MINIMIZATION
    • EMOTIONAL OVERREACTIVITY
    • FEAR OF ANGER
    • I DON’T NEED ANYTHING
    • EMOTIONAL RESPONSE VERSUS THOUGHT RESPONSE -39
    • FEAR OF FAILURE
    • FEELING UNLOVABLE
  • Chapter-4 Caretaker Involvement Levels
    • SELF-DEFEATERS 597
    • PATHOLOGICAL ALTRUISM
    • PROTESTING COLLUDERS
    • SELF-PROTECTORS 343
    • CUTOFFS -1
    • NONCARETAKERS -148
  • Chapter-6 Thought Distortions of Caretakers
    • ALL-OR-NOTHING THINKING
    • PERFECTIONISM -78
    • SUPERIOR INFERIOR: HOW CAN I BE BOTH? 385
    • I’MRESPONSIBLE FOR EVERYTHING -25
    • SAYING “NO” MEANS NOT BEING NICE -25
    • I DON’T KNOW WHAT I WANT
    • LOVE HEALS ALL PROBLEMS 27
    • NEVER GIVE UP 78
    • THE BP NP SHOULD BE LOGICAL 78
    • THE BP NP AND I ARE THE SAME
  • Chapter-7 Behavioral Distortions of Caretakers
    • CHAOS IS PERFECTLY NORMAL: DENIAL 1
    • I CAN’T MAKE SENSE OF IT ALL: MYSTIFICATION 2
    • HYPERVIGILANCE 3 40
    • ISOLATING 3
    • THE BP NP ALWAYS GETS TO DECIDE 5 13
    • MANIPULATION 5 13
    • THERE’S NO TIME TO TAKE CARE OF ME 6
    • WHY SHOULD I HAVE TO TAKE CARE OF MYSELF? 7
    • WE ARE ONE: LACK OF BOUNDARIES 7 7
  • Chapter-8 Distortions in the Sense of Self
    • Sense of self (SOS). 9
    • SOS AS AN ARENA OF CONFLICT 80 -78
    • FUZZY AND SHIFTING SOS 80 253
    • HIDDEN NEGATIVE SOS 81
    • BEING A CARETAKER MEANS I’MA GOOD PERSON 81
    • BEING CARING OF VERSUS CARING FOR 82 27
  • Chapter-9 Relationship Distortions of Caretakers
    • WHY AM I THE ONE WHO HAS TO CHANGE?
    • FEAR OF ANGER 54
    • KEEPING IT ALL SECRET
    • TRYING TO FIX THE PAST 40
    • REVERSAL OF ADULT CHILD ROLES -39
    • VICTIM PERSECUTOR RESCUER PATTERN
  • II: Letting Go of Caretaking
  • Chapter-10 Stages of Healing
    • DENIAL 1 333
    • ANGER 3 40
    • BARGAINING 4
    • DEPRESSION 6 -1
    • ACCEPTANCE 7 5
    • SETTING BOUNDARIES 8 169
      • General ways of setting boundaries 9
        • saying “No ” 9
        • making decisionsand choices of your own 9
        • staying with your own feelings even whensomeone you care about has different feelings 9
        • solving only your own problems 9
        • using your beliefs and opinions to structure and direct your life 9
    • LETTING GO 9
      • setting boundaries 9
        • clear 9
        • defined 9
        • consistent 9

        you stop your intense focusand overinvolvement with the BP NP 9

        begin letting go of responsibilityfor the BP NP. 9

        What does letting go mean in everyday terms? 9

        • you will notbe changing who you are what you think what you like or what you feelbecause of the desires and wishes of the BP NP. 9

          Letting go requires that yourelinquish your old need to please appease and control the BP NP 9

          Lettinggo requires that you have boundaries that are strong enough so that you canallow the BP NP to be act or feel however he or she wants without youtrying to change him or her 9

          you no longer allow the BP NP to changethese things in you. 9

        Letting go is very important to releasing your feelings of anxiety anddepression. 9

        If it is no longer your responsibility who and what the BP NP isand you no longer need to match the BP NP in any way then the pressure tobe perfect to please the BP NP or to fix or improve the BP NP is no longernecessary. 9

        This takes a huge load off of your shoulders and allows you tohave the energy and enthusiasm to focus on good self-care 9

    • REBUILDING
    • Rebuilding empowers and stabilizes your sense of self bycreating a life of your own design
    • It may include
      • making friends withhealthy people
      • changing your self-talk from negative to positive
      • lovingyourself and treating yourself lovingly
      • letting go of anxiety and moving outof depression
      • increasing your interpersonal skills
    • looking at yourselfand your world in a new freer way in order to create a life you love
    • sense of self
      • genetic gifts
      • life skills
      • dreams
      • physical and emotional experiences
      • thoughts
      • needs
      • yearnings for your own life
    • SELF-CARE
      • Keep in mind that self-care does not keep you from being caring and respectfulof others

        people who truly love and care for themselves are thevery best at being loving to others

        Self-care sets up a reverse scenario

        you fill yourself up until youdon’t need the other person to fill you up

        whatever you give will comefrom a place of abundance rather than neediness

        This keeps you from feelingthat the other person owes you for what you give.

        It also makes you able tograciously receive as well as give.

        It honors and respects your own needs andindividuality as it honors the BP NP for who he or she is.

        relationships are based on choice love respect and acceptance of yourselfand others just the way you are

  • Chapter Challenging the BP NP Family Rules
    • ACCEPTING THE TRUTH
      • Are you ready to stop living someone else’s life with someone else’sthoughts and feelings?

        Would you like to break the cycle of caretaking foryour children’s sake?

        Would you like to feel good about yourself make yourown decisions and enjoy friendships and activities of your choosing?

        Wouldyou like a peaceful calm relaxed life?

        Are you willing to take some bravesteps to make that happen?

        The only way to stop being a Caretaker is to stop playing the rescuer persecutor victim game with the BP NP.

        If you want to have a sane life youwill have to break rules the BP NP has set that keep you totally focused onhim or her.

        ask yourself no matter how hard you tried to follow these insane rulesperfectly have you ever succeeded?

        Did all of your trying to please andrescue the BP NP ever make any significant changes in him or her?

        Did itmake the BP NP a happier person?

        Did he or she love you more?

        Did you getalong better?

        Does it even make sense that the relationship rules made by amentally ill person would ever work?

        writing down all of the rules about your relationship with the BP NP

        • Who has which responsibilities?
        • Who is allowed which feelings?
        • What must you agree about?
        • What is it okay to disagree about?
        • If there is a disagreement how is a decision made?
        • Who makes the final decision for which things?
        • Who makes decisions about social activities?
        • If you disagree about a social activity how is a decision made?
        • What emotions are you each allowed to express?
        • How are the finances handled?

        Rule: you can’task for anything you want

        • For example one of the rules in my house growing up was that you can’task for anything you want. I knew this was a rule because whenever anyonein the family asked for something everyone else was allowed to tell him orher why he or she couldn’t have it or shouldn’t want it.

        secret rule

        • finally had thecourage to ask for something that I really wanted and kept asking past all ofthe reproofs from family members that I really didn’t shouldn’t or couldn’twant it. The secret rule was this: If you keep asking they have to give it toyou. What a shock it was to discover this. It gave me a lot of courage to keeplooking at the other rules about interactions in my family to discover howthey really worked.

        identify and written down the rules

        • Once you have identified and written down the rules the obvious onesand the secret ones try to keep them clear in your mind and see if you canrecognize them in new situations. Begin a plan to change update or eliminatethe ones that don’t actually bring health and goodwill to the relationship
    • YOU AND THE BP NP ARE NOT ONE
      • You are not the same as the BP NP

        You do not have to be his or her clone.

        You have every right in the world to be who you are to want what you want and to have your own feelings. 783 0

        Breaking this rule of enmeshment this rule ofsymbiosis this demand of being a duplicate of the BP NP is essential inorder to take the new actions discussed in this book and make your life better

        You may not have been aware that thinking acting and feeling alike isthe most important and most powerful rule of the BP NP because it is socompletely assumed by the BP NP that this is how relationships must work ought to work and absolutely will work

        Even the BP NP can’t see this rule;he or she just feels that it is the only way to survive.

        this rule completelyannihilates any chance of you being a whole healthy happy human beingbecause it annihilates your identity.

        This is what makes you so angry. It iswhat makes you so depressed.

        You as a unique and individual human being do not exist as long as you obey this rule 43 0

        You and the BP NP are separate and different and you will continuallyhave differences of view differences of opinions different feelings differentwants and different needs 43 0

        You will have to overcome your fears of the BP NP’s anxiety anger and abject hostility as you make your choice to be aperson in your own right. 43 0

        No two people can be exactly the same not even if you were identical twins which you are a long way from being.

        Your view of the world is verydifferent.

        Your wants and needs do not need to be stunted by the mentalillness of the BP NP.

        Your depression and anxiety are symptoms of yourinternal sense of self wanting to be free wanting to be expressed and wantingto just be you.

        You cannot move forward with the ideas in this book untilyou come to terms with challenging this insane rule

    • ACCEPTING THE FACTS
      • The BP NP is mentally ill and will not get better in the foreseeable future

        This is a fact that is denied by the BP NP (he or she thinks that you are thecrazy person) and you have colluded in this distortion

        You have to give upyour hope and fantasy that with your help and direction and giving in andputting up with all that goes on the BP NP will somehow get better

        As longas you stay in the Caretaker role you are reinforcing the insane dysfunctionalbehavior of the BP NP. These are facts that you must come to see andaccept.

        You cannot change the BP NP

        You must accept the fact of your limitations and you must accept the BP NP just the way he or she is.

        How?

        Whatother choice do you really have?

        But has all the trying demanding pleading or giving in that you have done ever led to any kind of change in the BP NP? 782 0

        Did your wanting the BP NP to changemake any difference?

        Did your anger at the BP NP change anything?

        It is only after you give up denial anger and bargaining; give up anyhope of the BP NP’s being different; give up expecting the BP NP to do whatyou want; and accept the real facts of the situation that you can finally startgenerating ideas that could make your life better. 93 0

        It is only after you quitfocusing on what “should” or “shouldn’t” be happening that you can reallyget down to what “is” or “isn’t” happening. 93 0

        Basing your life on what youhope will happen rather than what is happening has been part of the reasonfor how you ended up being so frustrated angry and hurt 93 0

    • YOU DON’T NEED THE BP NP’S APPROVAL
      • The biggest power the BP NP has over you comes from your fear of his orher anger drama blaming you for his or her feelings criticisms of you andthreats of leaving

        If the BP NP holds over you threats of violence to him- orherself you or the children that is a signal for you to get the BP NP to amental inpatient facility as soon as possible. Call 911 call the BP NP’stherapist and physician and get yourself and the children to safety

        Do notget into denial with yourself that the BP NP is not serious and will not takeaction.

        Do not think that you can handle this situation yourself!

        One of thebiggest mistakes Caretakers make is not taking threats of violence from theBP NP seriously enough.

        On the other hand Caretakers often take the BP NP’s acting out in rage screaming crying fits and threats of leaving too seriously. Too often Caretakersare many times more afraid of the BP NP’s rage than of his or herthreats of violence. 0

        As a Caretaker you have become hypervigilant to theemotional reactions of the BP NP. However you are reinforcing the BP NP’sbehavior when you collapse in the face of his or her anger. 0

        If you give in to the BP NP’s demands he or she will demand more. If you take the blame forthe BP NP’s actions he or she will blame you even more. 782 0

        You have to learn to stand calm and steadfast

        Do not be defensive

        Do not seek forgiveness for “causing” the BP NP’s upset

        Do not fall into amnesia about the volcanic behaviors you’ve witnessed inthe BP NP.

        Do not feed the BP NP’s emotion cycle

        The fact that you don’thave these same interactions with friends or colleagues at work is the indicatorthat you don’t cause them to happen. Therefore get centered and get clearin your mind so that you can see how your own fears get you to feed into theBP NP’s manipulations. It is your own pain and fear of the BP NP’s disapprovalthat lures you into their disastrous emotional hurricane. 42 0

        What the BP NP says thinks and feels about you or what he or sheaccuses you of during the throes of an emotional storm may or may not betrue.

        Seek approval for your sense of self from the facts of your own actionsand decisions not from the ranting of a person inside an emotional nightmare.

        Seek your validation from friends coworkers your therapist and otherrational people who can give you feedback on who you are and whether youare acting with kindness or selfishness 254 0

        Being in a therapy group for familymembers of BP NPs can be amazingly helpful for getting validation strength and support in handling this crazy-making relationship you are in 254 0

    • CHANGE HOW YOU COMMUNICATE 0
      • BP NP communication is often vague convoluted and confusing startingout with one topic and morphing into a dozen or more topics with no conclusionsand no decisions made at the end 0

        You may find yourself agreeing tothings you don’t agree with or thinking that one conclusion has been madebut the BP NP insists it was a different conclusion. This type of communicationis used to manipulate and control you into doing what the BP NP wants 0

        1. When ____________ happens

        2. I feel ____________

        3. I would like ____________

        4. Or I will need to ____________

        This model is a powerful means to communicate clearly with anyone andespecially with highly sensitive or manipulative people. It conveys what yousee is a problem how you feel about it and what you want. It is designed tobe clear concise nonemotional and nonjudgmental. Therefore it is lesslikely to get off track and become attacking. It also does not require the BP NP to do much of anything except listen. It is not a cure-all for every challengingcommunication with a BP NP but it is an effective tool.

        Yale communication model

        • 1. statement of an observable fact
          • “When Isee dirty clothes all over the living room . . . ”
          • “When I hear a loud voice andsharp words . . . ”
          • “When I get a statement in the mail saying the checkingaccount is overdrawn . . . ”
          • “When I expect to have dinner at 5 p.m. and itisn’t made until 9 p.m. . . .”
        • 2. clearly state your own feelings about the event
          • The next step is to clearly state your own feelings about the event. Saying “I feel taken advantage of . . . ” or “I feel angry hurt and humiliated” givesthe other person information about how the event affected you

            Again youare not saying the word “you ” nor are you saying that the other person“made you feel” this way. By taking responsibility for your own feelings you are ending the blame game. You feel the way you do just because youdo.

            Accepting your own feelings is an important step in getting others to takeyour feelings seriously. Being able to put your own feelings into words tolearn to know how things affect you and to ultimately figure out what youwant is also a significant way to validate yourself and feel more powerful 0

            With most people you may not need much more than these two statementsto make it clear what you feel. There is really nothing much moreintimate than telling people how you feel. It is uniquely personal windowinto who you are. 0

            People who love you respect you and care about how you feel will respond with appropriate concern 782 0

        • 3. What do you want?
          • The third step is letting the other person know what you want.

            “I wouldlike to be talked to in a quiet voice ”

            “I want this picked up right away ”

            “I would really appreciate your telling me ahead of time that you will be late”

            possible ways (from mild to strong) to convey your request for anaction or a change in what is happening

            When challenging a rule or thebehavior of another person it is more effective to be specific

            Saying thatyou want to be “happy or supported or cared for” is too vague for the otherperson to actually know what to do differently.

            Asking for what you want can be a challenge. You may find it hard togive yourself permission to ask for your wants to be considered. You mayalso think that by calling something a need it will make it more importantand powerful.

            the BP NP is more affected by what you want.When you call something a need when it really is not the BP NP will challengeyou and work to convince you that you don’t actually need it. Whenyou identify something as a want it then becomes harder for the BP NP tosound sane and reasonable if he or she tries to convince you that you don’tactually want what you just said you wanted.

            Remember that the only otheralternative to saying what you want is to manipulate and or expect the otherperson to read your mind or to give up the want altogether. To be an adultliving the life you want to live you have to have the courage to make politerequests of others to get what you want.

            examples

            • “I’ll talk more quietly but I really want to deal with this issue now.”
            • “I’m sorry I was late. I tried your cell phone but it seems to be off.”

            passive-aggressive responses

            • “You shouldn’t feel that way.”
            • “I don’t see why you have to be so bossy.”
            • “Everything is always about what you want.”

            healthy way to disagree 0

            • “I really don’t want to do that.” 0
            • “I’m not willing to take that action right now.” 0

            If the other person ignores you says absolutely “no ” or is passive-aggressive you will need to consider using the last step in the model 0 253 0

            It is to be a statement of what you will do to take care of yourself without thecooperation of the other person 0 253 0

            “If you can’t lower your voice I will need to excuse myself from this conversation.” 0 253 0

            The most powerful toolyou have at this point is to stop interacting with the other person. 0 253 0

            examples: 0 253 0

            • 1. “When the subject is changed so many times I get confused 0 253 0
            • 2. I feel lost and I would really like to be able to discuss our differentoptions. 0 253 0
            • 3. I would like to focus on one topic to discuss right now. [wait forresponse 0 0
            • 4. Otherwise I will have to continue this discussion another time when Iam not so confused.” 0 0

            Here’s another example: 0 0

            • 1. “I’m not feeling that I’m having much fun here at the party 0 0
            • 2. I’ve decided I’d like to go home. 0 0
            • 3. What would you like to do? [wait for a response] 0 0
            • 4. So I’m going to head on home now.” 0 0

            Here’s another 0 0

            • 1. “When I come home at 10 p.m. from class and see that the kitchen stillneeds to be cleaned up from dinner 0 0

              2. I feel disappointed 0 0

              3. I would really like it to be cleaned up by morning so that I can makebreakfast. [wait for a response] 1 7 0

              4. Or I won’t be able to make pancakes in the morning.” 1 7 0

            This model works best when you talk in a calm confident and relaxed voicewithout threats or any kind of hysteria. 1

            You also must be willing to faceunexpected challenges. 1

            No one can absolutely predict the behavior of anotherperson so be prepared to focus on taking care of yourself no matter what theother person decides to do. 1

            Be prepared to hear “no ” be prepared for the BP NP to be upset or unhappy in some way be prepared to let the other personspeak up for what he or she wants without rescuing or automatically givingin and be prepared for the BP NP to make irrelevant comments to get you offtopic 1

            Follow through by taking care of yourself the way you said you would. Ifyou say you will take a new action and then you don’t follow through thisgives the BP NP the message that your needs and wants aren’t serious. If youare serious about making your life better think through what you are willingto do make a plan and take these new actions. 1

    • YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO SAY “NO” 1
      • It is extremely difficult to say “no” to a BP NP. The word “no” sets you apartfrom the BP NP. You are drawing a line in the sand that identifies your wantsand needs as separate from those of the BP NP. It conveys the message “Idon’t agree; I have a different thought or feeling; I am not the same as you.” 1 412 0

        diverting tactics

        • You can see that this could go on quite a while maybe even with otherfamily members joining in the questioning and demanding to get you backinto the Caretaker role. This would be a really good time to change thesubject get up and go to the bathroom or ask someone else a personalquestion about themselves. These diverting tactics actually work pretty wellwith the BP NP. If the level of emotion goes down the BP NP can often besidetracked

        real challenge

        • The real challenge in this exercise is to battle your own sense of guiltbecause you may be thinking that you are being obstinate hurting the BP NP’s feelings being ungrateful not remembering the starving children inAfrica and so on. You may have been trained to feel that it is practicallyimmoral to say “no” when someone in your family makes a request of you no matter how trivial. Keep practicing.

        Keep practicing

        • Move from saying “no” to food
        • “no” to an activity you don’t want to do
        • “no” to a life you no longerwant.

        example 2 0

        • Francine came into our counseling session saying that she was getting a lot ofpressure from her mother to get back with her estranged husband. “I told her ‘Mom do you really want me to get back with Danny? He’s alcoholic he letour seven-year-old son see pornography he yells at me and hit me. I don’twant to get back together with him.’ You know what she said? She said ‘I’msure he’s learned his lesson. And he was so nice to me the other night when Isaw him at the grocery store.’ Well he’s not nice to me I told her. Then sheadded my own mother ‘Well you are just being too picky.’ Can you believethat?” 2 0

          Even though another family member or a friend may pressure you to give in it is very important that when you pick a battle you stick with it. Otherwise you give the message to the BP NP that you really don’t mean what you say. 2 0

        Although the pressure from the BP NP can be strong it is really yourinternal sense of being undeserving believing that you are selfish or yourown discomfort at displeasing others that really gets you to back down. Lookclosely at the ways you talk yourself out of saying “no.” 2

        • Why do you deserve less than others?
        • What about saying “no thank you” is selfish? 3
        • Why can’tyou risk the BP NP being displeased? 3
    • YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO ASK FOR WHAT YOU WANT 3 146 0
      • Asking for what you want is very similar to saying “no.” It again places yououtside the enmeshment with the BP NP. You may have learned that justasking for what you want is being too selfish or hurting others. As a Caretaker it may seem very strange to ask others for the very things you so easilygive. You may actually feel like you are imposing on others. Or you maythink that someone who loves you should just give these things to you withoutyour having to ask but that is just because you feel bad for asking. 3 146 0
        • Whydo you deserve less? 3 253 0
        • Why is it imposing to ask a loved one for a caringbehavior? 3 253 0
        • Why does asking scare you? 3 253 0

        challenge the “nonasking” rule 3 253 0

        • To challenge the “nonasking” rule of the BP NP you may need to startsmall and increase the importance of your requests as you get stronger 3 253 0

          practice with a trusted friend or gentle family member before attempting tochallenge the BP NP 3 253 0

          “I can’t tell you how many beers over the years my husband has asked me toget him when I was sitting right there next to him watching the same TVprogram. So I decided I’d ask him for a glass of water when he went into thekitchen the next time. I was amazed at how hard it was for me to ask and notjust jump up myself and get it. But I did ask. And he just said ‘Sure OK’ andbrought it to me. It was so surprising that such a little thing like that made mereally like him a whole lot more. I just assumed he wouldn’t agree to do it. Butit didn’t faze him a bit. I felt like I was actually important to him.” 3 253 0

    • DON’T GIVE REASONS OR EXPLAIN YOUR DECISIONS 3 516 0
      • When you decide to do something different from the BP NP whether it isbeing alone sometimes dressing differently reading different books likingdifferent foods and so on you will be making yourself vulnerable to a lot ofcoercion to change your mind. 3 516 0

        “us-ness.” 3 516 0

        • Being different is seen by the BP NP as being“wrong” and can trigger your fears that the BP NP will reject or try tohumiliate you for leaving the enmeshed “us-ness.” 3 516 0

        But if you have workedon approving of yourself instead of getting approval from the BP NP youwill be able to move forward 3 516 0

        One of the most common ways the BP NP tries to convince you to getback into the “right” way of doing things is to question your reasoning. 3 676 0

        “Well why would you want to do that?” 3 676 0

        “Why do you feel that way?” 3 676 0

        Thetactic of getting you to explain yourself is a means of getting information that can use to prove to you that your choice your feeling your want and even you as a person are wrong. 3 780 0

        you do not have to give people reasons 4 92 0

        Believe it or not you do not have to give people reasons or explanationsfor what you do unless you want to. This may be a startling revelation if youhave spent years around a BP NP. You really do not have to give detailedreasons and explanations to anyone for what you want to do. The BP NP’sneed to be in control of all the information around them is often extreme butyou don’t have to buy into it. 4 92 0

        fears and concerns 4 463 0

        • BP NPs have a lot of fears and anxieties when anything and anyonearound them changes but you can respond to their “why” questions byasking about their fears and concerns or simply stating again and again “Thisis something I like to do and I hear that it is different from what you like todo.” 4 463 0

          1. Not giving a reason or explaining your decisions gives you control overyour own thoughts feelings and actions 4 463 0

          2. It allows you to state who you arewithout getting into a debate about right and wrong. 4 621 0

          3. You are refusing toparticipate in giving or receiving manipulation invalidation and rejection 4 621 0

    • TAKING ACTION 5 93 0
      • Stop Talking 5 93 0
        • Very little gets changed with a BP NP by talking 5 93 0

          BP NPs are masters ofdenial and delusion. They jump instantaneously from topic to topic they areemotional rather than logical and they usually forget any discussion that hasbeen emotionally intense. Making changes in the relationship with a BP NPrequires taking new actions not making agreements or coming to an understanding. 5 93 0

          take new actions 5 146 0

          In order to take new actions you will have to decide what you want to dodifferently. Look at what you want to be different in your own life and startfiguring out what actions you need to take to head your life in that direction 5 146 0

          examples 5 146 0

          • If you want your BP NP partner to quit making false promises quit askingfor promises 5 304 0

            If you want to quit having fights with the BP NP don’t respond defensivelyand don’t argue; rather use the communication model. 5 304 0

            If you want something done and the BP NP stubbornly refuses to do it doit yourself 5 304 0

            If you want to be more social than the BP NP go out with friends byyourself 5 304 0

            If you don’t like living with the BP NP live apart. 5 304 0

            If the BP NP criticizes or devalues you do not accept it as a statementabout you. 5 304 0

            If a conversation is going nowhere positive quit conversing 5 304 0

    • BREAK OUT OF THE DRAMA TRIANGLE 5 569 0
      • Drama Triangle 5 569 0
        • The most important action that you need to take to quit caretaking is to breakout of the Drama Triangle. This means that you are going to quit taking onthe roles of victim persecutor and rescuer 5 569 0

          All of these roles require oneperson to be superior right good and better than the other person while theother person has to be inferior wrong bad and worse. 5 569 0

          This one-up onedowngame has to be stopped in order for you to stop caretaking 5 569 0

          Caretakingis the epitome of your thinking and acting like you know better and are morecapable than the BP NP and therefore that you have the right to control direct and improve the BP NP or conversely that you should be the one toalways give in. 5 569 0

          At the same time the BP NP continually tries to control direct and improve you so that you will merge with and match his or herthoughts and feelings. 5 780 0

      • 1. Refuse to be Superior or Inferior 6 93 0
        • You have to be willing to stop playing the superior inferior Game with theBP NP in order to really make changes 6 146 0

          Almost all interactions with the BP NP are based on who is better than worse than right wrong deserving ofblame deserving of defense who gets more who gets less and so on 6 146 0

          Playingthe persecutor victim or rescuer is always a game of superior inferior 6 146 0

          Breaking the rule of superior inferior requires you to learn to accept differencesand similarities between yourself and others as neither good norbad. This will allow you to come to terms with what you like and don’t like 6 146 0

          If you take responsibility for your own decisions and allow the BP NP to dothe same then neither one of you has to be good or bad. 6 146 0

          Breaking the superior inferior game of the Drama Triangle is a very bigstep to take. 6 304 0

          What does it look like to live without succumbing to superiorand inferior feelings about yourself and others? 6 304 0

          • It means giving up being therescuer the victim and the persecutor forever. 6 304 0

            It means being totally responsiblefor yourself and not for the BP NP. 6 304 0

            You make your own decisions andhave your own feelings and actions thoughts and interpretations 6 304 0

            It meansyou will see yourself and the BP NP as unique individuals with your owndifferent strengths and abilities weaknesses and lack of skills without seeingeither of you as better or worse than the other completely without the judgmentof right or wrong. 6 304 0

            It means you don’t collapse into being a victim of theBP NP; you don’t try to fix improve or persecute the BP NP or yourself;and you no longer try to help or rescue the BP NP. 6 304 0

            It means you will acceptyourself and the BP NP just as you are. It is only then that you can come upwith solutions and interactions that are effective for you and your family 6 304 0

      • 2. Stop the “Poor Me” Game: Stop Being a Victim 6 569 0
        • Ignoring your own wants and needs denying your own opinions giving in towhatever the BP NP wants even if it is harmful taking the blame for everything and giving up who you are and how you want to live are all ways thatCaretakers get stuck in the victim role 6 569 0

          Although you may think you arebeing nice and being helpful you are merely perpetuating the BP NP’s rulesand the dysfunctions in your family. 6 569 0

          It is also a way for you to not feelresponsible for your own timidity and fearfulness in the interactions betweenyou and the BP NP. 6 569 0

          It leads to a sense of passivity and powerlessness thatultimately keeps you from taking the actions that you could take to makeyour life different that is happier healthier and freer 6 569 0

          “Poor Me” symptoms 6 569 0

          • When you begin to refuse being the inferior the victim you begin thejourney to breaking the Drama Triangle. There are many more possible rolesand behaviors to take than the three that have been allowed up to now in yourrelationship. You have the capacity to step back and think of what you reallyfeel what you really want and what actions could get you going in a newdirection. The BP NP can’t or won’t step out of these designated roles butyou could choose to do so and change the game entirely. 7 40 0

            When you start feeling overwhelmed unable to cope depressed and wanting to isolate you aremoving into the victim role. 6 780 0

          stop being a victim 7 40 0

          • In order to stop being a victim you will have to be willing to accept theactual circumstances of your relationship with the mentally ill BP NP. 7 40 0

            Youhave to face the fact that if anything is going to change you will have to bethe one to make the changes. 7 40 0

            You will have to face your fears and take newactions. 7 40 0

            You will have to learn new skills and make new decisions. Thefollowing chapters are aimed at giving you the tools and understanding tomake those changes 7 40 0

      • 3. Stop The Blame Game: Stop Persecuting 7 357 0
        • Living in a BP NP relationship you have learned to blame others. Breakingthe rule of blaming others can be challenging because you may not reallyknow how to ask someone to do something different. If you look back at thecommunication model you will see the way to make this change. 7 357 0

          Examples 7 357 0

          • Instead of telling the person “You didn’t wash your hands” or “You gaveme the wrong papers ” change the focus from what didn’t happen to whatyou want. Even just using the “I want . . .” statement from the model is oftenenough for example “I’d like you to wash your hands before dinner” or “I’dappreciate it if you could find page 8 for me.” 7 357 0

            Giving directions and tellingothers what you want rather than blaming them for doing things wrongshows them how to be successful and feels a lot better too. You are alsomore likely to get more cooperation from others 7 357 0

          It also means you will take responsibility for how you act and feel aroundthe BP NP without taking the attitude that the BP NP is controlling yourfeelings or actions 7 357 0

          This means that if the BP NP does something you don’tlike you say or do something about it 7 357 0

          You acknowledge that you are choosinghow you respond emotionally and behaviorally without blaming the BP NP for causing your feelings and actions. 7 357 0

      • 4. Stop Fixing and Rescuing the BP NP 7 516 0
        • Being a Caretaker may have been your lifelong role identity so it could be ahard habit to break. You have felt obligated to do it. You have felt guilty fornot doing it. You may have needed to do it with a BP NP parent to make your life as a child bearable. 8 -203 0

          You may have enjoyed the superior status of beingthe helper the good person and so on. It may be very hard to relinquish thefalse hope that the BP NP will someday step permanently into the role of aresponsible and giving adult partner or parent. You have to face your ownoutdated fantasies feelings and beliefs and let them go before you can stopfixing rescuing and caretaking the BP NP 8 -3 0

          You have been the Caretaker as a way to keep the peace keep the delusion keep your fantasy keep the family together keep the BP NP calm andso on. But face it: none of your caretaking methods have worked for morethan a few minutes or a few days anyway 8 -3 0

          Giving up rescuing the BP NP is an action not a discussion. It isn’tsomething to announce to the BP NP. It isn’t something to negotiate with theBP NP. It isn’t something to threaten the BP NP with. It is all action. Youstop participating in the merry-go-round interactions you stop arguing youstop worrying what the BP NP will do next and you stop expecting the BP NP to fulfill your needs. This does not mean that you have to stop caringabout or loving the BP NP. You change from being a rescuer in the interactionby making choices and taking actions that work better for you and thatmight even work better for the BP NP. 8 104 0

      • 5. Start Using the Caring Triangle 9 1 0
        • It can be helpful to picture a new triangle to keep you focused on the newbehaviors we have just discussed. Instead of the actions of the persecutor you take on the new behaviors of doing and assertion. You give up trying toforce others to do what you want and blaming them for what you don’t like and you take actions that you decide on. You ask for what you want you acton your own behalf and you take positive action. 9 253 0

          1. Instead of the victim role you accept the situation you are in and takeresponsibility and make choices to function in a more healthy and happyway. You put real thought into what you want and how to get it and you takeaction to make things change 9 253 0

          2. Instead of being the rescuer you give the BP NP the respect of letting himor her take care of solving his or her own problems dealing with his or herfeelings and choosing his or her own solutions. You can refuse to take whatthe BP NP says and does as meaning anything about who you are. You canquit letting fear obligation and guilt control and manipulate you into takingcare of the BP NP when you really don’t want to. 9 253 0

    • KEEP AT IT AND THINGS WILL START TO CHANGE 9 516 0
      • Setting out to challenge the BP NP’s rules and roles can seem daunting but ifyou truly want to stop being a Caretaker and make your life better it is up toyou to make these changes. It may be smart to try out your new behaviorswith non-BP NP friends or family members first to observe the results. Practiceuntil you feel you can stand firm in the midst of the BP NP’s hurt anger and fear. When the BP NP can’t get you to participate in the old rules andinteractions he or she can get pretty upset at least for a while. If you think ofthe BP NP’s reaction more like that of a two-year-old having a temper tantrum it may be easier for you to stick to your changes. 9 569 0

        The Caring Triangle 120 93 0

        Assertiveness Doing 120 146 0

        Caring Choice 120 146 0

        Acceptance Responsibility 120 146 0

    • CREATE A LIFE FOR YOURSELF 121 1 0
      • You are the only one who can decide how you want to liveyour life and you are the only one who can make it happen. Quit expectingthe BP NP to like it approve of it or support it in any way. After you learn towithstand the BP NP’s disapproval and find that he or she usually gives inafter a while you will find that taking new actions (while not without anxiety)is doable. If the BP NP has continually escalated as you’ve taken some ofthe steps above and ended up in the mental hospital or has threatened orabused you creating your own life is most likely going to have to be donecompletely without the BP NP 121 1 0
        • Everything starts with you figuring out what you want to do with yourlife 121 1 0
        • How do you want to feel think and act? 121 1 0
        • Start thinking about it now 121 1 0
        • Don’t delay any more 121 1 0
        • Get busy thinking about yourself for once 121 1 0
        • Are you inthe career you want? 121 1 0
        • Are you living where you want? 121 1 0
        • Do you have thefriends you want? 121 1 0
        • Are you enjoying your personal life? 121 1 0
        • Are you being theparent you want to be? 121 1 0

        Think about your children and what you have taught them about lifethrough your past actions with the BP NP. Is it what you want them to learnabout relationships? Are they prepared to go out and create good lives forthemselves? If your children copied what you have shown them with yourlife would you be happy for them? Sometimes it is easier to start changesbecause you have a hope and vision for a better life for your children. Butdon’t do it all for them. Let them be a catalyst of inspiration for your ownchanges. 121

        You can change your life. It’s not easy but tens of thousands of Caretakershave left or improved their relationship with a BP NP family member.You can too. Individual therapy and being in a Caretakers’ recovery groupwill give you a lot of support and validation 121 516 0

        If the BP NP is your spouse or a parent ask yourself whether this is arelationship in which you can find happiness with only the changes you canmake or whether this a relationship that has already self-destructed. Make thechanges and see what happens. When you are clear inside yourself about whoyou are and what life you choose to live your relationship with a BP NP willalso become more clear. It may even get better. 121 569 0

  • Chapter Beginning to Heal: Embracing New Beliefs and Behaviors
    • DON’T BELIEVE EVERYTHING YOU HEAR 123
    • WHAT IS NORMAL VERSUS WHAT IS HEALTHY 123 624 0
      • It is not uncommon for Caretakers to wonder what is normal. You mayfeel there is something wrong with you. And you certainly know there issomething wrong with your relationship with the BP NP. Growing up with aBP NP or being married to one is certainly not a normal experience 124

        The relationship with the BP NP can frequently be chaotic unpredictable and overly emotional and rarely makes much sense. You may often be confusedabout whether something is wrong with you or with the BP NP. If youalready know there is something wrong with your BP NP parent adult child or spouse it can be very threatening to realize you are permanently attachedto someone who is so dysfunctional 124 157 0

        Your relationship with the BP NP probably doesn’t feel the way youthink it should feel. It doesn’t feel relaxed or safe or warm. You may havespent years trying to do something to make your relationship better with verylittle change happening. You know your relationship with the BP NP is notnormal but you don’t know what to do instead 124 157 0

        Signs that youare with a BP NP are the following 124 157 0

        • Family fights never change or improve the problem 124 0
        • Adult conflicts look just like two kids fighting. 124 0
        • There is a lot of blaming of others 124 0
        • There is no forgiveness 124 0
        • Fights include sudden attacks and withdrawals 124 0
        • Disagreements are dramatic emotional and threatening. 124 0

        what is healthy 124 473 0

        • Since it is actually pretty hard to identify what is normal in intimate personalrelationships because families vary greatly by culture beliefs religions andareas of the country it seems clearer to talk about what is healthy. 124 473 0

          In relationships healthy is what makes people feel good about themselves. 124 473 0

          What makes people grow into healthy functional andproductive human beings. 124 473 0

          What are behaviors attitudes and skills that trulywork to create happiness and good feelings? 124 473 0

          What allows people to developthe willingness to be intimate? 124 473 0

          What creates the ability to look at reality anddeal with it on a consistent basis? 124 473 0

          Think about what behaviors are needed tomake your life more enjoyable on a long-term basis 124 473 0

        BP NP-dominated families have lots of rules rituals and fixed behaviorinteractions to keep them stabilized. 124 633 0

        • By working to become healthier andleave the Caretaker role be aware that this could greatly disrupt your familyand your relationship. You are stepping into a maturing process in yourselfthat eventually becomes irreversible. Whenever our understanding and ourskills in the world increase and mature we rarely if ever go back to being less aware or less skilled or wanting less of the good things that have comeinto our lives. 125 39 13

          After you learn to read or ride a bicycle or know that the earthis round or that water flows downhill you cannot reverse and not know thesethings. Knowledge permanently changes how you view yourself and theworld. Caterpillars turn into butterflies not the other way around. You willbe changing; however it is very unlikely that the BP NP will make verymany changes 125 39 13

    • THIS IS YOUR JOURNEY ALONE 125 51 0
      • Caretakers continually search for ways to change the BP NP. You may haveread self-help books talked to friends learned new communication skills and even gone to therapy to figure out how to bring out the good person thatyou believe is inside the BP NP. You may have had high hopes for the BP NP. You may have nearly exhausted yourself trying to improve your relationshipwith the BP NP but searching for solutions to the BP NP’s problemdoes not work and cannot continue if you are to get healthy. 125 0

        Right now you have to decide to go on this healing journey for yourselfand for yourself alone. 125 0

        Always trying to help someone else is just a way youkeep from facing reality and making changes in your own life. 125 0

        You came intothis life alone and you will leave it at your own time. 125 0

        The life you are livingis yours—alone. 125 0

        It is your job to make your life what you want it to be. 125 0

        It isnot your job to make someone else’s life what you want it to be 125 0

        important new rules 125 0

        • you cannot heal anyone else 125 0
        • you can heal only yourself 125 0

        You may findyourself already disagreeing or feeling angry about this assertion. It is not arule that I made up. It is just how the universe works. For example you maynot like gravity but gravity is a truth of this world whether you like it or wantto believe it. It just is. Not being able to force or make someone else heal isjust a fact. Think to yourself Have I ever healed anyone? I’ve been a therapistfor over 25 years and I’ve never healed anyone. Many patients gotbetter but they did the work of healing they kept themselves motivated andthey decided what and how to heal. I acted as their supporter and guide. Ifyou are trying to change the BP NP you will not be fully focused on whatyou need to do and you will fail both with the BP NP and with yourself. 125 367 0

    • FACING THE FACTS 125 527 0
      • Right now you may not know what is realistic or true in your relationship.You have been in a delusional world for as long as you have interacted withthe BP NP. Part of your healing is facing the truth that the BP NP is dysfunctional and may very well never get better. This can be a very depressingawareness. 125 790 0

        it is only by looking at this fact and looking deeply insideyourself that you can identify what life you really want to create for yourself.You cannot expect or count on the BP NP to make any changes 126 -4 0

        What do youwant to do with that? 126 -4 0

        Do you know your own strengths? 126 -4 0

        Do you know howyou hold yourself back from going toward the life you want? 126 -4 0

        What are youwilling to do to make your life what you want it to be? 126 -4 0

    • YOU HAVE CONTROL ONLY OVER YOURSELF 126 0
      • uncomfortable truth 126 0
        • you have no control over anyone oranything else other than yourself. 126 0

          As a Caretaker you have probably spent enormous amounts of time andenergy trying to control the BP NP’s thoughts feelings and behaviors inorder to make things better but has it ever really worked? Sometimes it mayhave seemed to work but I’ll bet that was really the result of the randomnature of the universe and that the changes didn’t last. 126 0

    • YOU CAN CHANGE ONLY TWO THINGS 126 525 0
      • your behavior and your thoughts 126 525 0

        There are exactly two categories of things that you have the full power tochange: your behavior and your thoughts 126 525 0

        Most clients I work with reallywant to change the behaviors beliefs or feelings of someone else. However these things are impossible to change because you do not have direct controlover any of them. 126 525 0

        If you can’t control something you can’t directly change it. 126 525 0

        If you are notdirectly changing something then you are manipulating or trying to coercethe change. 126 525 0

        For instance when you have not felt loved by the BP NP haveyou tried to get him or her to love you by complaining trying to please demanding begging or threatening? 126 525 0

        most people want to change is how they feel 7 0

        The other thing most people want to change is how they feel. It can takequite a while and a lot of work to change how you feel because you can’tdirectly alter your feelings 7 0

        Again you have to work by changing your behaviorand thoughts and then these changes affect how you feel 7 0

        if youwant to feel happier you have to take actions and direct your thoughts tothings that create that happiness in you. 7 0

    • YOU ARE NOT STUCK 260 0
      • Up to now you may have felt stuck with a life you can’t control and can’tchange. If you are trying to control the BP NP you are quite right—you arestuck. When you realize how much you can change by focusing on your ownbehavior and your own thoughts the picture changes dramatically. You arenot stuck. 260 0

        fact 3 0

        • In fact as an adult everything in your life is there because you choose it you allow it or you accept it. 3 0

          Now you may disagree and say for example that you didn’t choose your mother but I will tell you that you do allow andaccept her behavior around you and that you could actually change what youallow and accept. 3 0

          explaining that they were busy studying.The truth is that the BP NP is not forcing you to allow or accept his or herbehavior; it is really your own fears worries and beliefs that keep youtrapped in the reciprocal interaction with the BP NP. 0

    • ANY CHANGE IN YOU 102 0
      • Murray Bowen the first family therapist showed that it is a fact of relationshipsthat everyone who participates in the relationship influences the actionsof all the other participants to some degree. So although you cannot directlychange or control the behavior of the BP NP you can change your ownthoughts and behaviors and get different reactions and results. 102 0

        Changingyourself 102 0

        choosing more adult behaviors 102 0

        acknowledging your own needs 102 0

        asking others for what you want 102 0

        valuing yourself more all contribute tochanging your life and everyone around you 102 0

        These changes may take the form of others treating you better or it maybe that some people no longer want to be around you or you no longer wantto be around them. When you make changes you are then in control of whatyou will and won’t do what you will and won’t allow others to do to you and what you will and won’t accept from others 102 0

        Since you cannot directly change the BP NP it is important to removeyour focus from what the BP NP should change to what you can and want tochange in order to create a better life for yourself 102 0

        Changes in you are thecornerstone of changes in your relationships living environment self-esteem sense of freedom and success in life. 102 0

    • FEELINGS ARE NOT FACTS 0
      • Just because you have certain feelings doesn’t mean that those feelings arebased on present reality or that you should act on them. 0

        Feelings are acombination of 0

        • emotions (i.e. body sensations) 0
        • memories 0
        • thoughts 0
        • Feelings are highly changeable 0
        • they are easily misinterpreted or misidentified 0

        The BP NP’s feelings are not absolute facts either 0

        They are frequentlybased on overly intense emotional sensations with disaster-oriented interpretations. 0

        many feelings are leftover reactions to experiences in thepast that are no longer present 0

        For example if your BP dad flew into a rageevery time you made a mistake it does not mean that the feeling of fear thatyou have in the present of extreme danger when you make a mistake isrealistic appropriate for the setting or helpful to your functioning or yoursafety. 0

        Don’t automatically trust your feelings. Ask yourself if your feelings are based on present reality on past experiences or on fears you have aboutthe future. 789 0

        An overly emotional reaction in yourself and in the BP NP can lead tosome poor choices and behaviors. Let yourself and the BP NP calm downbefore making decisions. 130 7 0

        Feelings even strong ones don’t last that long butthey do cloud good judgment. Start making choices on the basis of facts andgoals rather than emotional reactions and you will see marked improvementin your solutions 130 7 0

    • THE PAST MAY NOT BE A HELPFUL PREDICTOR OF THEPRESENT 130 208 0
      • You need to learn to identify feelings that are based on present facts ratherthan memories rules or delusions and manipulated experiences from thepast. 130 0

        Feelings based on manipulation past responses from others and pasttraumatic experiences are identifiable by their “over-the-top” expression.That is they are too strong and too dramatic to be a response to a presentfeeling. When you hear yourself or other people say “You’re always doingthat ” “You are just like my mother ” or “You never leave me alone ” orwhen you or others have very dramatic responses (e.g. shouting screaming stomping around hitting and so on) these are feeling responses that arebased on the past and not on the present 130 0

        Transference 130 0

        • Feelings from the past that come into the present are called transference. 130 0

          These are feelings that are being transferred from a similar experience withsomeone in the past to a present situation. As a result the feelings are muchbigger and more dramatic than they should be. They are triggered by anexperience in the present but they cannot be understood by looking at thepresent situation. Most people don’t even know that their present-day overreactionis really about unresolved feelings from the past. 130 0

        That is why so many disagreements and emotional conversations withBP NPs don’t get resolved. The present situation is only the trigger for theBP NP to feel exactly like he or she did in a past situation. These transferencesdon’t make a lot of sense in the present moment. This is why the BP NP may seem to be so overly sensitive and illogical. 130 0

    • STOP DISASTER-VISION 130 578 0
      • The other way that feelings get over the top occurs when your thoughts go tofuture fears of what might happen 130 578 0

        Caretakers are too often overly focused onwhat will happen next. 130 578 0

        You may be continually looking out for the nextdisaster to happen. 130 578 0

        This gets in your way of handling things in the present and responding calmly. 130 790 0

        Typically when you are looking into the future youbegin running dozens of disaster-vision scenarios: 7 0

        Examples -3 0

        • “He could take the childrenaway if I . . . ” -3 0
        • “She could have a meltdown at Thanksgiving if . . . ” -3 0
        • “He might not speak to me for days if . . .” -3 0

        Do you see how this disaster-vision focuses on the BP NP what theymight do and how to manipulate them rather than on you and what decisionsyou want and need to make at the present time? -3 0

        Yes your decisions will havean effect on the BP NP but looking totally at what the BP NP might dodoesn’t lead you make to make good decisions. -3 0

        Disaster-vision leads to lots of anxiety uses up a tremendous amount ofenergy and doesn’t come up with real workable solutions to the issuesbefore you. -3 0

    • GIVE UP HOPE GIVE UP GUILT GIVE UP SHAME 314 0
      • 1. Giving up hope 314 0
        • Another really important change in your attitude that is necessary is givingup hope. To let go of the Caretaker role you will have to give up the hopethat the BP NP will ever change to please you that the BP NP will ever loveyou the way you want to be loved or that the BP NP will ever take care ofyou first. 314 0

          Giving up these unrealistic hopes will improve your health andwell-being. It is part of the process of moving from fantasy to reality. If theBP NP doesn’t already do the things you have always hoped for on a regularbasis you need to realize that he or she never will. 314 0

        2. Giving up guilt 314 0

        • Giving up guilt is also important. Many Caretakers feel bound up with theBP NP through guilt. You have been responsible for the well-being of theBP NP first and foremost maybe for years or decades 0

          You have believed that the BP NP will be hurt feel rejected attemptsuicide become deeply depressed or fly into a rage all because of what youdo and say. But haven’t you seen the BP NP do these things even when youwere trying your level best to do exactly what the BP NP wanted? Just as youcan’t change or stop the BP NP’s behavior you also can’t cause his or herbehavior. 0

          Therefore you are not responsible for the BP NP’s behavior orfeelings. The BP NP uses guilt to manipulate and keep you trapped in yourown belief that you are essential to the BP NP. This belief of your omnipotencein the BP NP’s life keeps you from facing the real struggles of the fina stages of your own growing into adulthood—that is responsibility for yourself. 132 29 0

        3. Give up shame 132 29 0

        You also have to give up shame so that you can love yourself enough tomake the life you really want. You can’t make good changes in your life take better care of yourself feel good about yourself or allow yourself to bevulnerable with others unless you quit feeling shameful. 132 29 0

        Guilt 132 29 0

        • Guilt comes fromfeeling that you have hurt another person or taken a wrong action. 132 29 0

        Shame 132 29 0

        • Shame isthe result of feeling that you are worthless that you are a mistake or thatthere is simply something wrong with you as a person. 132 29 0

        examples 132 29 0

        • You feel that no one will ever really love you 132 241 0
        • You don’t let people see your mistakes 132 241 0
        • You don’t like your body 132 241 0
        • You hide your emotions 132 241 0
        • You are afraid to disagree with someone you care about 132 241 0
        • You don’t stand up for yourself 132 241 0
        • You are afraid that others will reject you 132 241 0
        • You think that others are judging you 132 241 0
        • You believe that you have to prove your worth to others 132 241 0

        You are the real judge of your life 132 241 0

        • Letting go of shame happens simultaneously as you learn to care for andvalue yourself. 132 241 0

          When you come to the decision that you are the real judge ofyour life and that you belong on this earth as much as anyone else you willfind that you no longer feel there is something wrong with you and the BP NP can no longer manipulate you with shame. 132 241 0

    • YOU REALLY NEED HELP FROM OTHERS 132 453 0
      • When you give up guilt and shame you almost immediately recognize thatyou need help from other people. No one exists alone and although yourinner journey to health is your journey alone many other people can supportyou and sustain you in this journey. In order to get that help however youwill have to search it out and ask for it. 132 453 0

        1. Find Role Models 132 453 0

        • If you know a really healthy person who is happy fulfilled good at relationships and an excellent parent adopt him or her. This may sound flippant butI mean it quite seriously. Even in unhealthy families there are usually somehealthy people. Look at your extended family and friends to see if anyonequalifies to be a healthy role model for the kind of life you want to have.Look at friends and coworkers or acquaintances. Reach out to these healthypeople and begin deeper relationships. Hang out with them invite them into your life or move more into their circle. Look learn and copy how theycommunicate and how they make decisions and treat others in relationships.You can move towar 133

        2. Watch Television 133 30 0

        • This may sound really ridiculous but a television series with a character youcan clearly identify as emotionally healthy or working to be healthy can be agreat model for learning social interactions and problem-solving skills thatyou missed 133 30 0

        3. Join a Group 133 347 0

        • Whenever we join a group we automatically start using feeling re-creating and behaving in the same patterns that we use daily in our personal relationships.It has been my experience that Caretakers hate most groups. This isoften for good reason. While you are deeply into Caretaker behavior patterns you will likely find yourself trying to take care of everyone in the group something that obviously is exhausting and not worth going out of the housefor. 133 347 0

        4. Get into Therapy 134 83 0

        • You cannot do this healing alone. I cannot emphasize this enough. Caretakersare usually missing some very important experiences that are necessary tobecome a healthy person. If you are a child of a BP NP as well as a spouse you may not have a clear idea of what you don’t know. Just being in a longtermrelationship with a BP NP means that you have missed out on a lot ofvalidation your social skills may have deteriorated you may be confusedfrom being blamed for everything by the BP NP your expectations of othersmay be too much or too little you may be battling depression or you mayhave anxiety that doesn’t respond to typical treatment. Over time Caretakersbecome easily manipulated and confused about reality fantasy and delusion.You may have become highly self-critical and your self-care and self-respectmay need support. 134 82 0

          You deserve to get the caring support and validation that therapy canoffer. You may also need the kind of objectivity and knowledge about mentalillness that is more than you can get from your friends or books or fromhaving time pass. Having a trained experienced therapist who specificallyunderstands the BP NP can really help you sort things out. Not a lot oftherapists have this kind of training or experience so ask specifically whattraining reading and workshops the therapist has had. 134 241 0

          Embracing new more reality-based thoughts and behaviors can go a longway to reducing the stress and negativity in your life. Changing your focusfrom the BP NP’s life to your own life’s goals and purposes can turn you in anew direction. You can move from away being a Caretaker to creating ahappier healthier life that fulfills your own dreams and goals. 134 347 0

  • Chapter-13 Increasing Your Self-Confidence
    • DON’T TAKE ANYTHING PERSONALLY
      • Projection
        • The BP NP uses projection to shift the blame for his or her own failings feelings and disappointments onto you. 624 0

          It is a way to disown his or her ownawful feelings and it is a way to control you. 624 0

          It is important when dealing with the BP NP to not take anything that he orshe says or does personally. The BP NP is very prone to blaming you foreverything he or she thinks feels and does and you need to come to termswith the fact that the BP NP is not a reliable person to identify reality. About90 percent of the time whatever the BP NP says about you is a much morereliable statement about him or her. This is called projection.

      • You are never to blame
        • You are never to blame for how the BP NP thinks feels or acts just asthe BP NP is never to blame for your behaviors

          You must let go of takingthe blame and personalizing the BP NP’s emotions if you are ever going togain control over your self-esteem and increase your self-respect

          As long asyou are carrying responsibility for the BP NP’s emotions and feelings youcannot see or feel yourself accurately.

    • RESPECT YOURSELF
      • self-respect
        • Basically self-respect means to consider yourself being worthy of high regard
      • 1. Consider yourself
        • Taking good care of yourself
        • Knowing what you feel
        • Honoring your strengths
        • Understanding your shortcomings without self-blame
        • Thinking about what you want
        • Defining goals for yourself
        • Listening to your own preferences
        • Choosing your own friends
        • Acknowledging your needs
        • Protecting yourself
      • 2. See yourself as worthy 519 0
        • you can’t control how people treat you but you cancertainly influence their behaviors by setting standards about what you willallow and sticking to them. 137

          If you’re being treated badly 137

          • you can speak upand tell the person what kind of treatment you want instead 137

            You can leavethe interaction. 137

            You can choose to be around people who treat you better 137

            You can even choose to be alone rather than be subjected to the treatment theother person is handing out. 137

            You have a lot of choice in the matter. And yourchoice is the signal to the rest of the world about how you see your worth 137

            You really need to spend some time identifying where you see your senseof self-worth. A lot of Caretakers tell me they have high self-worth but whenthey accept daily abuses and bad treatment their assertion seems to representwhere they want to be not where they really are. 137

          The second part of respecting yourself is to see yourself as worthy. Beingworthy means that you know your own merit and value and that you treatyourself and expect to be treated according to that value. Remember that ifsomeone is treating you poorly and you are allowing it you are agreeing withthat person’s estimate of your value 519 0

          How do you see your worth? 519 0

          Does your worth depend entirely on howothers value you? 519 0

          How do you respond when some people see you as worthyand valuable and others do not? 519 0

          Which do you believe? 519 0

          The worth you see inyourself will be reflected in how you treat yourself and how you allow othersto treat you 519 0

      • 3. Concept of high regard 137 96 0
        • The final part of our respect definition is the concept of high regard. Therole of Caretaker includes a lot of behaviors that do not bring to mind theidea of high regard. 137 255 0

          Examples 137 255 0

          • not considering your own feelings needs and wants when making choices; 137 255 0
          • not taking care of your physical needs 137 255 0
          • not even knowing what you like and don’t like do not qualify as high regard 137 255 0

          So let’s say that high regard is a 10 and that no regard is a 0. Where areyou in your current relationship with the BP NP? Don’t pick a number whereyou would like to be and don’t pick a number where you think you ought tobe or where you are at work. Pick a number that really represents the respectand value you feel in your relationship with the BP NP. This is your currentbaseline. Now think of where you would like to be. This tells you how muchground you have to cover to bring your self-respect up to where you couldmake better choices and enjoy a better life 137 255 0

          improving your self-respect 137 361 0

          So how do you go about improving your self-respect? Everything in thisbook is about improving your self-respect. However the core to improvingself-respect is to treat yourself in every good way possible 137 361 0

          Your self-respectimproves every time you do the following: 137 361 0

          • Listen to your feelings 137 467 0
          • Honor your own dreams 137 467 0
          • Love and care for yourself 137 467 0
          • Stop interactions that are hurtful to you 137 467 0
          • Eliminate negative self-put-downs 137 467 0
          • Take the time to think of what you want 137 467 0
          • Speak up for yourself 137 467 0
          • Believe the best about yourself 137 467 0
          • Hang around people who really like you just the way you are 137 467 0

          Keep in mind that you have to respect yourself first before you can expectothers to respect you. By setting the limits on what you will do and not do you are setting the boundaries of your self-respect. Remember that everythingthat happens to you in your relationships is because you allowed it encouraged it or put up with it. When you set clear limits on how you will betreated others see those limits and respond appropriately 96 0

          Do you know 96 0

          • Do you know what you value in life? 96 0

            Do you know why you have thesevalues? 96 0

            Do you know such everyday things about yourself as how you like todress how you like to sleep what and when you like to eat and how muchtime you like to spend with others and how much time alone? 96 0

            Make sure youown what you are doing and know that these are your own choices. Only thenwill you experience a real respect for yourself. 255 0

    • START POSITIVE SELF-TALK AND POSITIVE ACTION 520 0
      • Another step in helping you feel stronger and more confident will be eliminatingthe negative things you say and feel about yourself and then replacingthem with positive self-talk. 520 0

        What would you like to be saying to yourself?What positives can you put into place instead of the negatives? You may notbelieve the positives yet but even saying to yourself what positives youwould like to feel begins creating better feelings about yourself. 520 0

        Affirmations which are positive statements you make about yourself andsay over and over can certainly help. However all talk and no action doesn’tget you very far. 520 0

        You have to take action to treat yourself more positivelytoo. If you don’t give yourself better treatment your inner sense of self willnot believe your positive statements 520 0

        Positive self-talk is a great way to show yourself respect 520 0

        How do you talkto yourself in the privacy of your own mind? 520 0

        Do you talk to yourself like youwould to a friend a loved one or the most valued person in your life? 520 0

        If youare not being positive toward yourself why not? 520 0

        If you find yourself criticizingyourself calling yourself names deriding yourself and even emotionally punishing yourself why are you doing this? 785 0

        What is your goal? 5 0

        These internalnegative self-attacks may seem automatic but you can learn to controland redirect them toward positive self-support with practice and vigilance. 5 0

        three-step system -9 0

        • Step 1. Validation of what you have done well -9 0
        • Step 2. A gentle request to make a change of your choosing -9 0
        • Step 3. A statement of encouragement and confidence -9 0
    • BALANCE YOUR EMOTIONS AND THOUGHTS 0
      • Balancing your emotions with thoughts may take some practice if you havebeen used to the over-the-top emotionality of a BP NP-dominated relationship. 314 0

        The BP NP focuses almost entirely on feelings rather than thinking 314 0

        The BP NP acts out dwells on and exaggerates feelings so that when youare around him or her it can be difficult for you to think and make rationaldecisions 314 0

        It can even be hard to know what you are thinking when all around youare feelings of anxiety fear anger and so on from the BP NP. Learning totune into your own thoughts and dial down your attention to the emotions inthe interaction with the BP NP can take some real concentration. Strongfeelings can be triggered by a sound or smell a voice inflection or a touch and they can then move through the nervous system a hundred times fasterthan thoughts. That is why habitual emotional reactions seem to happen evenwithout thoughts. 527 0

        Common negative thoughts 0 208 0

        • I’m not lovable. 0 367 0
        • I’m not good enough 0 367 0
        • I’m too selfish. 0 367 0
        • I’m not good at . . . 0 367 0
        • I don’t deserve . . . 0 367 0
        • I’m not worthwhile 0 367 0
        • I’m useless. 0 367 0
        • It is all my fault. 0 367 0

        Challenge these oldnegative self-criticisms using facts about your behaviors and character 0 0

        • I deserve a vacation as much as anyone else 0 0
        • I am a thoughtful and sincere person 0 0
        • I am a good cook. 0 0
        • I am a caring parent. 0 0

        Feelings 1 102 0

        • Feelings are actually a combination of emotions and thoughts blendedtogether. 1 102 0

        Raw emotion 1 102 0

        • Raw emotion is really a physical reaction caused by a chemicalrelease in the body. 1 102 0

        Feelings are the result of observing that emotion andmaking some kind of sense out of the reaction. 1 155 0

        Feelings are an essentialcomponent to coming to good decisions about what to do in specific situations. 1 155 0

        example 1 155 0

        For example the feeling of loving someone is one of the most complexwe experience and includes many emotions and sensations (e.g. warmth safety excitement and lust) and many thoughts (e.g. attractiveness interests and opinions) and these blend together to lead us to behaviors andchoices that may affect us for the rest of our lives. 1 155 0

        Look at the thoughts and meanings that you connect with various emotions such as anger hurt joy fear and comfort. Explore the meanings thoughts and memories you have associated with these emotions as youconfront new situations. This will lead you to a greater understanding of whatyou want and what you value. With this knowledge you can make betterdecisions about what actions to take 1 314 0

    • CONTROL YOUR OWN FEELINGS OF INTIMIDATION 1 0
      • The BP NP is a master of intimidation. Because BP NPs are totally focusedon getting what they want and need to feel better they are willing to threaten cajole demand beg and complain over and over until they are successful allwith very little thought for the effect on you. 1 0

        Signs of Manipulation 1 0

        • feeling anxious 1 0
        • feeling guilty 1 0
        • feeling stupid 1 0
    • LET GO OF YOUR DEPENDENCE ON THE BP NP 2 207 0
      • Separating the control of your life from the BP NP will help you create a lifeof your own that is relaxed calm and nurturing. BP NPs keep control of youwhen they threaten to take away their love money fidelity or commitmentin the relationship with you. Do you seriously want to be emotionally andphysically dependent on a person who is out of touch with reality mentallyill and often an emotional time bomb? 2 313 0

        How dependent are you on the BP NP? 2 313 0

        Does he or she provide all theincome the child care your sense of well-being or your social life? 2 313 0

        Youranxiety will always be high as long as you depend primarily on the BP NPfor anything. 2 313 0

        BP NPs cannot be highly dependable because of their emotionalups and downs and their tendency to let you down just at the moment youneed them to be there for you 2 313 0

        Assess what dependencies you have on theBP NP in your life and decide what to do about these. Do you need to get ajob get the children in daycare find your own friends or love yourselfmore? Whatever it is now is a good time to start moving toward becomingmore independent and therefore less anxious. 2 313 0

    • LEARN SELF-ASSERTION 2 0
      • The idea of being more assertive can feel very dangerous at first whendealing with a BP NP. One of the skills that is often poorly developed inCaretakers is self-assertion. The BP NP can be very clever at getting you togive up your desire to ask for or say what you want so you are going to needto reclaim your sense of self by developing the skill of asserting your viewsand wants. Often Caretakers give up their own wants because BP NPs reactso angrily or override your ideas with what they want or they convenientlyforget or just plain ignore what you want. However it is important to knowand say what you want in your own life. Much of a person’s identity ismanifested in what they identify they want and what they are willing to standup for and aim for. 2 0

        effective way of being assertive 3 49 0

        • say what you think 3 49 0
        • say what you feel 3 49 0
        • say what you want to do 3 49 0
        • go do it yourself 3 49 0

        Give up thinking that youcan change the BP NP’s behavior by asking him or her to change. The way tocreate change in your life is to do it yourself. 3 49 0

        Get what you want 3 155 0

        • Identify what you want 3 155 0
        • State clearly what you think feel and want nonemotionally 3 155 0
        • Don’t discuss 3 155 0
        • Decide what action you wish to take 3 155 0
        • Take the action. 3 155 0

        Focus on making statements about what you are going to do and on theactions that you can take: 3 314 0

        Instead of 3 314 0

        • I want you to be more I’ve decided I want more affection in my life.affectionate 3 314 0
        • I want you to be nicer to me. I’ve decided to be nicer to myself 3 314 0
        • Why can’t you listen to me? I want to be heard when I share my thoughts 3 314 0
        • Stop being so angry. I’ve decided to not be around angry people 3 314 0
        • Can I go back to school? I want to finish my college education 3 314 0

        By stating what you want and plan to do without identifying the BP NP asbad or as the problem or needing to change you put a new idea out aboutwho you are and what you are going to do leaving the BP NP to choosewhether he or she will be part of the change. 3 473 0

        Identifying what you want places you where you need to be that is as thedirector of your life. This also helps you see that the BP NP does not controlyour life—you do. When you never say what you think feel or want in allpracticality you don’t exist. 4 51 0

    • TRUST YOUR INTUITION 4 51 0
      • Intuition 4 208 0
        • Intuition isyour inner sense of knowing what action will lead to the best result for yourwell-being. It involves being able to read other people’s body language accurately understand the meaning of what is going on and know yourself wellenough to accurately take actions that will lead to positive results for yourlife. 4 208 0

          Intuition develops and becomes automatic after you have practiced overand over knowing yourself and accurately knowing other people 4 208 0

          Your intuition becomes easier and more accurate when you are not enmeshedwith the BP NP. You cannot get a good sense of what is good for you whenyou are also carrying around the BP NP’s feelings and needs 4 208 0

        Caretakers often have a highly developed intuition for the BP NP’s feelings wants and needs but you may not be as intuitive about your own 4 314 0

        Enmeshment with the BP NP makes it hard to tune into you own meaningsabout what is happening. You may have been automatically taking the BP NP’s meanings as your own without thinking through what it really means toyou. 4 314 0

        You may find yourself automatically believing what the BP NP saysabout you without really deciding if that is true from your perspective. 4 314 0

    • TAKE CHARGE OF YOUR OWN LIFE 4 314 0
      • taking charge of your life 4 580 0
        • 1. you need to know what you think 4 580 0
        • 2. you need to know how you feel 4 580 0
        • 3. you need to know what you want 4 580 0
        • 4. you need to know how you want tolive your life 4 580 0

        When you move to caring for yourself you will find that your selfconfidenceincreases as well as your awareness of who you are and what youwant in life. 4 580 0

        Your job in life is to live your life the way you choose. 4 580 0

        This isnot selfish uncaring or disloyal which is what the BP NP may want you tobelieve. Being you is what you are here to do. 4 792 0

        Being in a relationship with another person is enjoyable but it can’t be done effectively and happily untilyou know who you are and what you want in your own life. 4 792 0

        When you are caretaking the BP NP you are not effectively taking care ofyourself. You are not adequately being responsible for yourself because youare not even paying attention to what you are feeling and doing 5 -3 0

        It is yourresponsibility to be in charge of your own life not the BP NP’s life. 5 -3 0

        You areresponsible for what you do how you think and feel and how you live yourlife. Being in charge of your own life means deciding who you are and whatyou want to do and taking responsibility to do it. 5 -3 0

        Now is the time to let theBP NP take care of his or her life and for you to focus on yours 5 -3 0

  • Chapter-14 Nurturing and Caring for Yourself
    • The task of giving up the Caretaker role will require that you be physically mentally and emotionally prepared to make some big changes. Up to now you have been hoping that the BP NP would get well and start taking care ofyou and your needs like you have been doing for him or her. Letting go of theCaretaker role means that you now recognize that you will be taking care ofyour own needs and wants and focusing less on the BP NP. Learning tonurture and care for yourself is an important step in that change. Truly caringfor yourself helps you to know yourself and your needs better and can helpyou get stronger and ready to challenge more effectively the emotional chaosof the BP NP. 7

      DIALING DOWN YOUR ANXIETY 7

      • Breathe calmly and continually 7
        • Breathe calmly and continually. When you are angry anxious fearful worried and so on you are probably not breathing very well. You may noticethat you stop breathing for long periods of time resulting in a sudden intakeor exhale of breath. It can be helpful to notice whether you hold your breathwith the air in or out of your chest. Then you can remind yourself “Breathein breathe out” or “Let it go let it go.” 7

          Learning to control your breath canhave a strong effect on your emotions and energy. For instance holding yourbreath with the air out can make you feel vulnerable because you have littleor no energy for action. Your brain begins to lose oxygen and your thinkingbegins to deteriorate. Holding your breath with the air in helps you preparefor action but often the action comes out too strongly and harshly leading tonegative escalation and hostility. 7

          You might also notice yourself breathing fast and only in the top part ofyour chest. This kind of breathing will make you feel more anxious 7 731 0

          Walking swimming singing and dancing are all enjoyable ways to becomemore aware of your breathing. Notice over and over during the dayhow you are breathing. Spend some time each day practicing relaxationbreathing to get your body used to breathing to your command. This abilityto relax your physical body can help you relax your mind as well. 8

      • Getting lots of rest 8
        • Getting lots of rest is extremely helpful in reducing anxiety. Living with aBP NP is an exhausting experience. You are in a constant state of arousal andhypervigilance waiting for the next emotional explosion from the BP NP 8

          You need to have a truly restful place to sleep. And you need to getenough sleep. Assess your own needs on this. If your partner is keeping youfrom getting this primary human need met consider what you can do to getthis need met more effectively 8 0

      • Reduce stress around eating 8 519 0
        • Do you eat when you get stressed? Do you findit hard to eat anything when you’re stressed? What kind of stress happensaround the dinner table in your household? 8 519 0

      CREATE A REGULAR ALONE PLACE 9

      • Your alone place can be any room or space where you can be alone. Basically it needs to be a space where you can sit quietly and think or read a book ordo anything you want 9

        Your space needs to be one thatdiscourages or limits the entry of the BP NP. An extra bedroom room a denor office or even a space in the garage are all good possibilities. As a child Isat in a tree in the backyard. I’ve also heard of people using a tent in thebackyard a closet a neighbor’s house or a special place by a lake or river.Some people take a drive or a walk by themselves. Spending regular alonetime is necessary to establish your right to be alone and to have the space tothink your own thoughts 9

        One of my clients went to a workshop on centering prayer came home and set up the extra bedroom as a prayer room and went there regularly. HerNP husband who thought that her actions were ridiculous avoided her at allcosts when she was in that room. She didn’t even need to put a lock on thedoor to discourage him from coming in. You can start any activity that youlove and that your partner doesn’t enjoy and do it whenever you need to getaway such as sewing in your sewing room woodworking in your garage daily walks alone or with the dog grooming the horses meditating or takinga two-hour bath—whatever works for you 9

        Being alone to think and focus on what you feel need and want in life isessential when you are in a relationship with a BP NP. Having somewhere togo and something to do can help lower your anxiety and short-circuit yourautomatic response to engage with the BP NP in useless antagonistic and inflammatory discussions or arguments that just make your relationshipworse. 0 64 0

        Things to avoid 0 64 0

        • addictive activities that donot help you think relax and take care of yourself 0 64 0
        • shopping 0 64 0
        • watching hours of television 0 64 0
        • surfing the Internet and chat rooms 0 64 0
        • drinking alcohol 0 64 0
        • doing more than an hour of exercise a day (unless you aretraining for a marathon) 0 64 0
        • overeating or bitch sessions with friends 0 64 0

      DO THINGS WITH YOUR OWN FRIENDS 0 222 0

      • Do things with other people without expecting your BP NP partner to joinyou. BP NPs really pressure Caretakers into thinking that you have to doeverything with them 0 222 0

        Too often when the BP NP doesn’t want to do somethingthat you want to do the BP NP’s veto controls both of you. By makingyour own friends and activities you can create a life of your own that increasesyour independence. 0 222 0

        Unless you actually fear that the BP NP wouldphysically harm or restrain you it is probably your own anxiety at beingaway from the BP NP or your anticipatory fear that the BP NP will be angrythat keeps you from taking these independent actions. Look inside at what isreally keeping you from doing the things you want. 0 222 0

      CREATE YOUR OWN HAPPINESS 0 381 0

      • If you are depending on the relationship with the BP NP to make you feelbetter you have found out by now that it is not likely to happen very often.Start looking around at all the things in your life that can and do make youhappy 0 486 0

        Examples 0 486 0

        • such as your children 0 486 0
        • work 0 486 0
        • hobbies 0 486 0
        • friendships 0 486 0
        • leisure activities 0 486 0
        • abeautiful day of good weather 0 486 0
        • animal companions 0 486 0
        • community service 0 486 0

        What are the things in life that make you feel grateful? 0 486 0

        Get in touch withyour compassion for others who don’t have as good a life as you have 0 486 0

        Reachout and give to others. 0 486 0

        Engage with other people who could and wouldappreciate your attention help encouragement and support 0 486 0

        Your whole lifedoes not have to be completely focused on the BP NP. 0 486 0

        There are plenty ofpeople and activities in the world to engage in enjoy and bring you happiness. 0 486 0

      ME FIRST 1 64 0

      • It is not selfish to take care of yourself. Putting yourself first may be veryhard for you and you may not have many ideas about how to take care ofyourself. When you have spent so long focused on the BP NP it can be achallenge to move your attention to yourself. You may not feel deserving oftaking care of yourself or you may not have many self-care skills. You maynot think you have the time to care for yourself or you may not know whatfeels good to you. 1 64 0

        Putting yourself first is not about being selfish and developing a “me”attitude. 1 64 0

        This is a reminder that unless you take care of your body and mind you will not be strong enough to make the changes you are trying to make. Ifyou are exhausted or depressed have no time to yourself and are constantlyat the beck and call of someone else you cannot move out of the Caretakerrole. Taking care of yourself in a healthy way is a change that can help youbecome more fully who you want to be a process of loving yourself first.Only then can you give to others without depleting yourself and feelingresentful. 1 64 0

        Remember that no one else in the universe has been assigned to take careof you. 1 328 0

        As an adult you now have the job whether you like it or not oftaking care of yourself. If you don’t care for yourself you will become moreand more needy demanding and eventually emotionally and or physicallyill. Since everyone else is out taking care of themselves they probably don’tnotice and can only guess what you need to feel healthy and good aboutyourself. 1 328 0

        Your main job in life is to become more and more of who and whatyou are and therefore to make your unique contribution to the human race. 1 328 0

        Obviously no one else can make the contribution you have within you tomake and you can’t do your best if you aren’t taking care of yourself 1 328 0

        the first thing to do is get your mind in line with the idea that takinggood care of yourself is very important. It is important not only to you butalso to everyone who loves you. You deserve it and you have to do it or elsesuffer the consequences 1 434 0

        You may find that you have to let go of your desire to have the BP NP dothe job of taking care of you along with letting go of any anger at the BP NPfor so rarely stepping up. 1 487 0

        You have to give up the magical thinking that bytaking care of the BP NP he or she will love you enough to take care of you 1 487 0

        Maybe the BP NP will be caring of you (sometimes when he or she feels likeit or has extra time or there is an emergency) but haven’t you learned by nowto quit expecting the BP NP to do what you want? 1 487 0

        No one can take better care of you than you anyway. Only you have 24 access to how you feel what you want how you want it how much youwant and exactly what you want. 1 487 0

      MEDITATION RELAXATION AND EXERCISE 2 117 0

      • Time spent quietly with your own thoughts and without interruption is areally valuable way to take care of yourself. When you live with a BP NP your thoughts are often not your own. Taking time every day to tune intowhat you feel want and believe is important. Take time everyday for yourselfand let go of your thoughts and worries for 20 minutes or so. Be withyourself. Pray do yoga or practice sitting and meditating away from the BP NP. Tell the BP NP what you are doing but don’t let him or her stop you. Thegoal is to learn to significantly reduce the constant hypervigilance worry and anxiety that weigh you down. One client did this by dancing anotherworked in her garden and another said that cleaning closets worked prettywell. 2 117 0

      HEALTHY WAYS TO GET NURTURED 2 383 0

      • Caretakers often don’t get enough nurturing. Although exercise is a goodway to release tension out of the body it is rarely nurturing. Getting amassage or a reflexology session can do wonders to help you relax andbecome more aware of how your body feels where you store tension andcan relieve anxiety depression and even shame. Just getting your neck andshoulders massaged can help you feel that your life is less of a burden. Anykind of spa treatments such as facials mud baths body wraps or manicuresor pedicures help too. All of these focus on your body your needs and yourhealth in a nurturing way. 2 540 0

      MEDS COULD HELP 3 172 0

      • There are safe and effective medications that can help you deal with yourdepression and anxiety. Many Caretakers have a low-level anxiety much ofthe time. It may be that after you do all the things suggested here you stillfeel a constant dread depression or anger that you have to override in orderto take the actions you want to take. Talk to your therapist or see your doctorto discuss your situation candidly describing your symptoms specifically.Do not downplay your symptoms (something that Caretakers have a strongtendency to do). Then work with your doctor to adjust the medications to thelevel that works for you. 3 172 0

      ENJOYING BEING YOU 3 5

      • When was the last time that you enjoyed just being who you are? 3 5

        Feelingyour feelings thinking your thoughts and making your own choices are theelements of really enjoying being you. 3 5

        All sorts of feelings can appear whenyou become yourself. You may feel frightened at the responsibility (no oneto blame) or giddy with the excitement of doing things you’ve always wantedto do. You may feel newly alive or finally feel that you are fitting into yourskin. Revel in these feelings work through them and learn to know yourself 3 5

        Your life is yours to live to direct and to be in. Notice how others react tothe real you. Changing from being a Caretaker can be like the metamorphosisfrom caterpillar to butterfly. When you break out of your old skin and takethe risk of flying instead of creeping along it can be invigorating. 4 -39 0

      GET A SUPPORT TEAM 4 172 0

      • Don’t think that you have to tough out all these changes by yourself. Create ateam including yourself your therapist physician and a couple of timetestedfriends or family member to keep tabs on your progress 4 172 0

        Learn to trusttheir input and observations about the reality of your situation until you cantrust your own judgment. This is your support team for change. Use them bybeing honest and open so that you can learn what it feels like to feel calm andsafe and cared for by others. This will also give you a template for findingnew and loving people to include in your life. 4 172 0

        Letting go of anxiety and learning to nurture yourself can take awhile.Some things will help a lot and some less. It may take some experimentationand practice. Some Caretakers find that they have to pull themselves out ofanxiety every few seconds at first but as they practice and increase their selfnurturing they find that they can maintain for longer and longer periods oftime. As you find people and situations that are free from anxiety createconnections with them and increase this contact as much as possible. Buildinga calm and safe environment is essential for a happier freer more fulfillinglife and this investment in yourself can really pay off 4 225 0

  • Chapter Anxiety-Reducing Skills with the BP NP
    • giving in and giving up 5
      • anxiety 5
      • resentment 5
      • anger 5
      • hurt 5
      • lowered self-esteem 5
    • Strategies 5
      • change your own mind-set 5 519 0
      • strengthen your self-esteem 5 519 0
      • nurture and provide for you own emotionalneeds 5 519 0
      • learn more effective skills to function 5 519 0
    • UNDERSTANDING THE BP NP’S VIEW OF THE WORLD 6
    • BP NP’s unpredictability 6
      • highly unpredictable 6
      • suddenly changing from one emotionto another 6
      • reversing behaviors 6
      • pulling you in 6
      • pushing youaway 6
    • 10 Basic BP NP needs and feelings 6
      • You cannot change any of these 10 facts 7

        1. Everything that is not in the control of BP NPs will make them anxious. 6

        2. Whatever feelings BP NPs are experiencing are absolute facts to them and they believe that these feelings are caused by someone else. 6

        3. There is only the present moment. The past and future are nonexistent. 6

        4. Unlike mentally healthy people the emotions of BP NPs are often notcaused by their thoughts. They have an emotion first and then theirminds try to think of reasons for having the feeling. 6

        5. BP NPs assume that you perceive think feel and want exactly thesame as they do. When they perceive a difference between the two ofyou they feel threatened and will usually try to convince you tochange. 6

        6. Any change in anything will cause extreme anxiety in BP NPs. 6

        7. BP NPs cannot tolerate your being emotionally close or your beingapart from them in any way. 6

        8. BP NPs feel deeply inadequate unloved and undeserving of love.(Note: This feeling cannot be changed by you.) 6

        9. The emotions of BP NPs are indescribably intense similar to those ofan infant. Their total focus is—and always will be—on making themselvesfeel better. 7

        10. If you are not completely focused on the BP NP they feel nonexistent 7

    • emotional development 7
      • BP NPs are more similar to two-yearoldsthan to adults 7

        They typically do not believe that anything or anyone intheir world is permanent 7

        Only the specific emotions that BP NPs are havingin the present moment are real 7

        They often do not remember past emotions thoughts or behaviors and they feel convinced that their present emotionwill last forever 7

        “Would I expect a two-year-old to keep promises orremember to do chores or be alone for more than a few minutes or understandhow to act at a formal gathering or wait for anything or do somethingthat he or she didn’t want to do or be at ease in new situations or to go alongwith a change of plans?” Of course you wouldn’t. Your expectation that theBP NP will consistently be able to do these things adds to your feeling thatthe BP NP is unpredictable. 7

    • 1. BE PREDICTABLE 7 519 0
      • Establish routines and don’t change plans without a lot of advance warningto the BP NP. Don’t expect the BP NP to adjust to changes that happensuddenly. 7 519 0

        Try to have a schedule for everything that you can 8

    • 2. GO VERY SLOWLY STEP BY STEP 8
      • Step 1: Drop a casual comment that is fairly general such as “ I hear thatnext semester I might be teaching an evening class.” 8

        Step 2: A couple of weeks or even months before the change you couldadd “I’m thinking that Monday or Wednesday might work for anevening class.” Ignore any comments from the BP NP and don’t getinto a discussion. 8

        Step 3: At least a week later ask “Do you think I should teach theMonday or the Wednesday class?” Again don’t get into a discussion.Just acknowledge the BP NP’s preference and don’t make promises tocomply. 8

        Step 4: When you actually know what night you will be teaching say “My department chair says I have to teach the Monday class. I knowthis will be hard for you. How can I make it easier for you?” 8 255 0

        Step 5: Listen to the BP NP’s comments complaints and upset withoutgetting involved yourself. Just acknowledge what a problem this isgoing to be for the BP NP: “I can hear that this will be very difficultfor you” or “I’m sorry this will be inconvenient for you.” Do notexpect the BP NP to do anything special to accommodate you. 8 255 0

        Step 6: Identify a couple of benefits for the BP NP that will be appealing such as “That means you can watch Monday Night Football as loudas you want” or “Maybe your brother will want to come over andwatch with you.” 8 255 0

        Step 7: Be prepared to wait days or weeks for the BP NP to calm down.After that it will be likely that the BP NP will feel that you alwaysteach on Mondays 8

    • 3. USE DISTRACTION
      • If you need or want to be gone for an activity suggest something for the BP NP to do that he or she really enjoys that will distract from your absence. 157 0

        Another variation of this is to plan your away activities when the BP NP ishappily engrossed in a regular activity such as a weekly television show before the BP NP gets up or after he or she has gone to bed while he or she isat work or on the BP NP’s regular bowling night 157 0

        try quiet distractions 157 0

        • Excuse yourself to go tothe bathroom close the door and stay there for 10 to 20 minutes 157 0

          Suddenlyremember that you have to go to the store immediately for something and begone 20 to 40 minutes. 157 0

          Pick up a briefcase and let the BP NP know that youwould love to keep discussing this but that you have paperwork to get donebefore work in the morning. 157 0

          Work for at least a half hour. 157 0

          Have a friend onspeed dial so that when you call him or her with the message 911 the friendwill call you and you can stop the argument with the BP NP to answer thephone walk outside and talk for 20 minutes 157 0

          These “time-outs” distract theBP NP from the interaction and give him or her time to calm down and getout of his or her crazy thought pattern. 157 0

    • 4. REFLECT THE BP NP’S FEELINGS 422 0
      • Reflecting how the BP NP feels is very helpful in soothing the BP NP. Bystating out loud and specifically what the BP NP feels you are showing theBP NP that you really are hearing him or her. This has a calming effect. Justsaying “I understand ” however doesn’t convince the BP NP that you hearhim or her. Specifically 422 0

        identify the feeling: 422 0

        • I see that you are feeling really disappointed 422 0
        • I’m sorry you feel so sad about this 422 0
        • It sounds like you don’t like the fried chicken 422 0
        • You look angry and hurt 422 0
        • I can hear how frustrated you are 422 0
    • 5.DON’T OVERTLY DISAGREE 0 158 0
      • The BP NP does not usually do well in the presence of the words no but andyou’re wrong. Since the BP NP is always expecting to be discounted rejected or told that he or she is wrong avoiding these words helps you avoidemotional explosions. Choosing your words carefully and exactly may seemsilly or inconvenient but it makes a big difference in the outcome 0 158 0

        When you have a different point of view that you need or want to expressto the BP NP you can begin by stating what feeling or thought you heardfrom the BP NP. Then add your views wants or needs tied together with theword and. 0 158 0

        avoid the word but 0 158 0

        • I know that you don’t want me to go to the meeting tonight and unfortunately I really have to go 0 158 0

          I understand that you like the red blouse and I like the blue one 0 158 0

          I can hear that you are really disappointed that I can’t go. Can we gettogether later for coffee? 0 158 0

          I see you are angry with Tommy about his grades. I also want to point outthat he did bring up the C to a B this quarter 0 158 0

        By avoiding overt disagreement the BP NP feels more relaxed and calm andmay be more able to hear a differing point of view. Keep in mind that tellingthe BP NP that he or she is wrong will guarantee a fight while addingadditional information is more likely to encourage a discussion 0 0

    • 6. CREATE REGULAR COUPLE ACTIVITIES 0 475 0
      • When the BP NP can count on a regular enjoyable activity with you he orshe feels better about you and the relationship. Doing things together is morevalidating to the BP NP than words. Figure out something that both you andthe BP NP like and make it part of your routine. Then when the BP NP saysthat you “never do anything together ” you can identify the regular activityand say how much it means to you and how much you enjoy doing it withhim or her. The BP NP often doesn’t remember the past (especially pastemotions) so this reminds the BP NP of a positive event and the feelings thatwent with it. This is soothing and reassuring to the BP NP and enjoyable foryou as well. This helps the BP NP feel valued by you lowers his or heranxiety and provides a balance for times when you want to do things alone. 0 475 0
  • Chapter-16 Change-Creating Skills with the BP NP
    • 1. SET BOUNDARIES AND LIMITS 3
      • Just as you need to set boundaries to keep your two-year-old from creatingharm to him- or herself and others so too do you need to set boundaries andlimits on the harmful behaviors of the BP NP in your relationship 3 730 0

        Identify when and how the BP NP is trying to control and dominate your life or trying to manipulate you into doing things you don’twant to do or trying to tell you how to think and feel 3 783 0

        These are all violationsof your right to be you and they do not actually benefit the BP NP 4 0

        Decide what you want to do to stop the BP NP’s behavior fromharming you 4 0

        Setting limits and boundaries on what you will allow accept and encouragethe BP NP to do to you is essential 4

        What is a boundary? 4

        • A boundary is a line that you don’tallow others to cross. 4

        You may think you are setting a boundary when yousay “I’m done I’m fed up I won’t tolerate this anymore ” yet too often inthe past you have actually done nothing to change these things that you can’ttolerate. Identify the boundaries that you want to protect and defend thentake real and effective steps to figure out what actions you are going to taketo make that boundary stick. 4

        Since the BP NP strongly resists any boundaries be prepared for an initialbattle. However if you make the boundary clear and firm and never evergive in the BP NP will eventually become accustomed to it and will relax. 4 254 0

        Caretakers are so afraid of the BP NP’s initial outburst or theirthreats of anger and hostility that you give in and lose all the gains made byidentifying the boundary in the first place. Since this will be a challenge toboth you and the BP NP choose your boundaries and limits carefully andsparingly 4 254 0

        Keep in mind that you cannot enforce a boundary or limit that you haveno power over. You hold power primarily over what you will do if theboundary is breached. It is also helpful to set limits only about the things thatare really important enough to warrant the amount of energy and emotionalstrength that it will require you to follow through 4 254 0

        You don’t need to tell the BP NP why you have made the boundary—justkeep stating the boundary over and over and be sure to act on it consistently. 4 254 0

        examples 4 254 0

        I am not okay with your yelling at me like that. If you can calm yourvoice down I will listen; otherwise I will leave the room 4 0

        I told you that I need you to stop criticizing me. Since you can’t stopcriticizing and yelling I’m going into my room for awhile 4 0

        I have felt resentful when I loaned you money in the past. This is now thelast money I will give you. From now on I expect you to take care ofthese money problems on your own. 4 0

        a statement about 4 0

        • how you feel 4 0
        • what you want 4 0
        • what you are going to do next 4 0
    • 2. TAKE ACTION NOT DISCUSSION 5
      • Anything that you want to change will have a better chance of success if yousimply change what you are doing. Taking action instead of discussing whatyou plan to do with the BP NP gives you a greater chance of success 5

        Actionmeans that you either start a new behavior or quit doing something that youusually do. The thing to keep in mind is that you need to be able to controlthese behaviors entirely on your own 5

        Caretakers try to convince the BP NP with words and logic toagree to the new change in behavior. You don’t need the BP NP’s permissionor agreement before you change your own behavior to something that worksbetter for you. 5 254 0

        Actions are more believable and have more impact thanwords. If you want space go take it. 5 254 0

        Don’t argue with the BP NP that youdeserve to take it. 5 254 0

        Tell the BP NP what you will or will not be doing and thenjust do it. Leaving a written message can even avoid the temptation to discussthe issue. But be reliable 5 254 0

    • 3. BE FIRM AND ALSO REASSURE 6
      • Being firm means that you stick to what you have decided to do differently even if by the time you get out of the house to do it you don’t really have theinterest or energy anymore. Wearing you down is one way the BP NP discouragesyou from doing what you want. The BP NP can throw chores ortasks or various restrictions as well as tantrums hysteria and offers of sex atyou to get you to change your mind. The minute you give up however youhave to start from the beginning to reset the boundary. 6

        So it is extremelyimportant to get through the door into your sanctuary or out of the housewhether you actually feel like doing what you were going to do or notanymore. Stay away until you reach the time that you told the BP NP youwould return and then reliably and on time return to the BP NP. This is thesame method that parents use to teach a very young child to tolerate theirabsence. 6

        Reassuring BP NPs that you care for them and enjoy being with them orreminding them of the good times you’ve had together helps them remembertheir connection to you and hold on to the good feeling while you are absent.The borderline is still likely to get hurt angry or emotional as you depart while the narcissist is more likely to try to lure you to stay with him or herusing sex suggesting something “more fun” to do or threatening abandonment.Don’t buy into these emotional manipulations. Continue to be pleasantand loving and remind the BP NP of when you’ll be back and then be sure togo 7 96 0

        Just as parents of toddlers do you can help the BP NP adjust to yourabsences by having predictable leavings and returning usually short times atfirst and then slowly extending them. You might also leave a “transitionalobject” with the BP NP to remind him or her of your love. 7

    • 4. IGNORE PROVOCATIVE BEHAVIOR FROM THE BP NP 7 519 0
      • But beware that it can be very damaging to your own well-being to sitthere and take it all in so practice all of the skills for increasing your selfconfidenceand nurturing yourself so that you can be strong enough to resistemotionally absorbing the BP NP’s threatening and angry remarks. 8 43 0

        Probablythe best way to ignore the overly dramatic and hostile behaviors of the BP NP is to exit and not be there at all. It works best to not make a production ofleaving by shouting or throwing your own bad comments out. Instead usethe distracting and disappearing techniques that we discussed earlier. Suddenly“remember” that you have something to pick up at the store that youneed to take a nap or that you need to mow the lawn. These actions conveythe message that you won’t participate and they change the situation withoutcreating more escalation 8 43 0

        Although you may find it very hard to disappoint or upset the BP NP keep inmind that the rules of positive reinforcement apply to every interaction withthe BP NP. The more you give in the more BP NPs escalate their behaviorbecause you are rewarding them for acting badly. 7 519 0

        Paying any sort of attentionto their emotionally provocative behavior is encouraging to them. Even your“punishment” is rewarding such as demanding that the BP NP stop what heor she is doing shouting threatening or getting upset yourself. These are allways that the BP NP knows that he or she has your attention and is incontrol. Ignoring the sarcastic angry or belittling remarks of the BP NP orhis or her emotional acting out is important to reducing that behavior in theBP NP 7 519 0

    • 5. BE CALM AND FRIENDLY AND QUIT DISCUSSING THE BP NP’SREACTIONS 8
      • Do not discuss any uproar situation afterward. As a Caretaker you may be abig supporter of the idea that you should talk out situations to make thembetter. This does not work with the BP NP. BP NPs are often very willing totalk about things and may bring up discussions themselves. But ask yourselfwhether you ever successfully talked things through with the BP NP and hadanything really change. 8

        Usually these talks justescalate into another emotional uproar. It is another way for the BP NP tohang on to your attention in a negative way and it pulls you into being thepersecutor complaining and demanding but with nobody feeling or actingany better 8

        So avoid trying to discuss past present or future situations. Rememberthat the BP NP really relates only to action in the present moment and if thepresent moment is going well keep it that way. However if the presentmoment is not going well decide what you need to do and just do it. Emotionaldiscussions don’t solve things with the BP NP. When the BP NP wantsto discuss a situation simply smile be calm and in a friendly voice just say “I’m busy right now” or “Now is not a really good time.” The only time forserious conflict discussions with a BP NP is with a trained intermediary suchas a therapist mediator or judge. 8

        don’t trick yourself into forgetting the situation. This samesituation is sure to happen again and again so spend some of your alonetime thinking over what you feel and what you plan to do the next time ithappens and even brainstorm ideas about how to eliminate the situation ifpossible. 8 572 0

    • 6. HAVE A PLAN BEFORE YOU DISCUSS 9 96 0
      • Think things over before engaging the BP NP. Take time out to think beforenegotiating anything with the BP NP. If the BP NP comes to you to initiate adiscussion a decision or anything that takes a calm thoughtful responsefrom you be sure that you are completely ready. Taking time to think aboutthings before engaging with the BP NP will nearly always be to your advantage.The BP NP will most likely be very adamant about solving things now but don’t get tricked into responding until you are ready and have your ownplan. 9 96 0

        When the BP NP initiates a “discussion ” you can predict that he or she isalready in an emotionally negative space. Obviously this means that it wouldnot be a good time to discuss things. Instead of discussing the issue rightthen say to the BP NP “Obviously what you are bringing up is important and I need to give it some serious consideration. I’m going to really thinkabout this. Let’s sit down to talk about it tomorrow night.” Then walk awayand become unavailable. 9 255 0

        Pick a later time when both you and the BP NP can be in a calm state ofmind. Then wait for the BP NP to bring up the subject again. By creatingsome time to think through what you feel and want you will be prepared fora calm discussion and you can have a plan of action prepared. But don’t besurprised if the BP NP never brings up the discussion again. Just by puttingthe discussion off until later many times the BP NP will forget what was soimportant and it will just work itself out by the actions you take 9 255 0

    • USE REPETITION 9 255 0
      • When the BP NP becomes persistent and demanding one of the best ways tostop an argument is to make statements of what you want or don’t want overand over again and then as soon as possible exit the interaction 9 519 0

        The more you state over and over what you want or what you are going to do the better you will be able to avoid getting into discussions and argumentswith the BP NP about things that aren’t going to be solved by talking anyway.This repetition also helps the BP NP get familiar with the idea that youare not going to engage in chaos uproar and drama 9 678 0

  • Chapter-17 Leaving or Staying
    • When you realize what it takes on your part to live with a BP NP you mayfeel exhausted or overwhelmed. The BP NP is rarely able to make changes inhis or her thinking feelings and actions so you will be the one making thechanges taking up the slack and in many ways acting as a live-in therapist.The BP NP will continue being who he or she is and you will need tocontinue making adjustment to deal with his or her actions 1

      Questions To Answer 1

      • Will you be able to stay out of the Caretaker role? 1

        Will you be able to livea life that is happy and fulfilling for you? 1

        There are many issues involved inwhether you decide to leave the relationship or whether you decide to staynow that you know the reality of your situation. Deciding how much contactto have can bring up some powerful issues about loyalty self-respect obligations connections and losses. 1

        Is thisa short-term or a long-term relationship? 1

        Are you related to the BP NP (e.g. parent child or sibling)? 1

        Do you have children together? 1

        What are theirages and how does the BP NP’s behavior affect them? 1

        How much enjoymentdoes this relationship bring you compared to the bad periods? 1

        What doyour finances look like with and without the BP NP? 1

        How much separationcan you live with? 1

        Are there other issues to consider such as drug oralcohol addiction; physical emotional or sexual abuse; and whether the BP NP has other psychological or physical illnesses? 1

        How much time doyou spend dealing with these symptoms? 1

        How disruptive are they? 1 624 0

        How enjoyable is the relationship when the symptoms are not present? 1 783 0

      1. NARCISSISTIC RELATIONSHIPS 2

      • Staying with the Narcissist 2
        • Many NPs are charming funny creative energetic and financially successful.They need a lot of attention and adoration but that may be just fine withyou especially if you find that you enjoy giving that kind of attention 2

          If youcan maintain power over your own life and choices and if the NP is not toodomineering demanding or controlling you may be satisfied with your life 2

          Respectful behavior between you and the NP can help the relationship functionin a healthy way for the whole family. If you can accept that the NP isprone to overworking; seeks a lot of attention from others; focuses almostentirely on only his or her needs wants and feelings; and must to be incontrol of the money then you may be able to figure out a viable relationshiparrangement. 2

      • Leaving the Narcissist 3 624 0
        • Here is where the intensity of the NP symptoms and their frequency canmake a big difference. When the NP has such strong symptoms that he or she cannot and will not consider your feelings rights and needs you will morelikely think that you have little to gain from continuing in the relationship. 3 782 0

          Ifthe NP is a bully rude or rejecting or just cannot fathom how you could bedifferent from him or her in any way then it may not be worth your selfesteemto stay. I would recommend finding a way to leave if the NP isemotionally or physically abusive. The impact of abuse on you and yourchildren can have a life-long impact. However only you can determine whatis best for you. 4

          Every case is different. When living with an NP begins to suffocate you orharm your children when the NP is so controlling that any separate thoughtor behavior in you sets off a tirade or when you feel put down fearful or cutoff from your family friends or the outside world leaving may be the onlyway to have a calm emotionally secure life of your own 4

      2. BORDERLINE RELATIONSHIPS 5 0

      • Staying with the Borderline 5 0
        • Even under the best circumstances the BP is very hard to live with. The BP’sthoughts feelings delusions and emotions and even his or her commitmentto the relationship can shift so radically and so often that it keeps everyoneon edge. 5

          The BP may have rages jealousies inconsistencies and demandsthat can be impossibly difficult to deal with. It is also extremely difficult not to fall into the Caretaker role with the BP even when you are aware of thepattern and trying very hard to avoid caretaking. 5 782 0

          If you stay with the BP you will need to develop your own social lifewith your own friends in the community and at work without the BP. BPsaren’t comfortable in many social situations and typically prefer being athome or at very structured events where he or she knows everyone and is notexpected to interact such as going to a play or musical event 6

          If you decide you want to stay with the BP in your life do so with the fullknowledge of what you are choosing to do. It does not seem loving orconsiderate to stay with the BP in order to change him or her because youpromised or for the sake of the children. 6

          These are all really reasons thathelp you avoid feeling guilty. They are Caretaker reasons. Think throughyour reasons carefully because if you really are avoiding your own feelings of guilt and subconsciously hate and blame the BP for making your lifemiserable you are dooming everyone in the family to misery with yourdecision to stay. 5 – 8 -3516 0.125

      • Leaving the Borderline 7 254 93
        • Because being in a relationship with a BP means being totally devoted totheir care and needs it is common for people to choose to leave the BP. Theups and downs of the BP’s emotions as well as his or her tendency to blameloved ones for causing most of his or her pain is exhausting and it is extremelydifficult to keep your sanity and any sense of good feelings aroundthe BP. BPs are often described as a “black hole” sucking up all the energyaround them and rarely giving any of that energy back. 7 254 93

          Despite knowing these emotional events will take place over and overagain you may still find it very hard to leave the BP. You may find it hard toquit feeling guilt or confusion around the BP. The BP hates you when you’rethere and loves you when you’re gone. 7 359 93

          Hoping that the BP will eventually be able to change leads only to greaterand greater disappointment and frustration. I have often heard “If only shecould act this nice all the time” or “I know he is a really good person on theinside.” Disappointment comes from your inability to keep all the conflictingparts of the BP in mind all of the time. Because you know that the BP is notvery capable of caring for him- or herself you may feel a great deal of guiltfor leaving. Much of that guilt comes from your old Caretaker belief that it isyour lifelong job to take care of the BP. 7 93

          When you entered the relationship originally you had the expectation thatboth of you were equally mentally and emotionally mature enough to takecare of each other. When you confronted the fact that your partner hadborderline personality disorder and became the Caretaker you were trying tosalvage the relationship. Now the question is whether you want to continuelifelong care for a mentally ill person. 7 689 -4 0. 5 2

      3. CHOOSING SEPARATION 8 149 -4 0. 5 2

      • Many Caretakers think that a separation will be a good way to ease out of therelationship with the BP NP or to work on it from a distance. But check inwith yourself to see if you may secretly be holding onto the hope that theseparation might finally cause a change in the BP NP. Separating as a meansto force a change in the BP NP is a Caretaker behavior and doomed tofailure. As mentioned earlier BP NPs do not deal well with fuzzy boundaries.They see everything in black and white and they need very clear boundariesto function well 8 347 -4 0. 5 2

        Separation creates a fuzzy gray area that can be interpreted many differentways. So separation really is a situation where the BP NP will be highlyanxious because of the uncertainty of the relationship. For their own sense ofsecurity the narcissist will generally choose to see a separation either asabandonment or as still being married. Borderlines of course tend to feelabandoned but still feel emotionally dependent 8 -4 0. 5 2

        In addition you can’t do positive work on a relationship with a mentallyill person without a clear commitment. Clearly severing the relationshipmakes the situation easier on everyone. The BP NP needs a clear “yes” or“no ” not a “maybe.” If you feel strongly enough that the relationship is notworking and you want to live apart then you need to face that fact and makea decision not put it off indefinitely by calling it a separation 8 -4 0. 5 2

        If you do end up deciding on a state of separation set up clear rules andboundaries. Where will each of you live? Who will be paying for the rent bills groceries and so on? If you have children where will they be and when will they be there? Will you have keys to each other’s homes? Whatrules will you have about being in each other’s space? You will actually haveto make all the decisions you would need to make if you got a legal divorcein order to make a separation work. 9 0 -4 0. 5 2

      4. LIMITED CONTACT VERSUS NO CONTACT 9 72 -4 0. 5 2

      • If you decide to end the relationship with the BP NP it is likely that the BP NP will continue to initiate contact with you. If you have children together itmay be necessary for you to have some kind of contact with the BP NP. Itwill be important for you to think through the frequency and kind of contactthat will be comfortable and healthy for you. 9 -4 0. 5 2

        Limited Contact 9 -4 0. 5 2

        • If you feel that you want or need to have at least some contact with the BP NP decide how much and when you want that contact based on your abilityto interact with him or her in a civil positive way. There are probablysituations that you already know work better than others. It is important foryou to take responsibility for making arrangements that work for you 9 -4 0. 5 2

          You definitely want to avoid any hysterics and hostility. There needs tobe a good reason and purpose for having contact usually due to legal interactionsor child care arrangements. The BP NP’s preferred pattern is to alwaysmake you the Caretaker so watch out about getting into situations where youare accommodating the BP NP’s needs but not your own 9 -4 0. 5 2

          Solutions for limited contact could include arrangements such as the following: 9 -4 0. 5 2

          E-mail rather than face-to-face or phone contact 9 -4 0. 5 2

          Online calendar sharing for child visitation 9 -4 0. 5 2

          Drop-offs and pickups of children without entering each other’s home 9 -4 0. 5 2

          Meeting in public places 9 -4 0. 5 2

          Taking a friend along when you meet with the BP NP 9 -4 0. 5 2

          Interacting only as long as both of you can be cordial 9 -4 0. 5 2

          Leaving immediately if the BP NP acts inappropriately 9 -4 0. 5 2

          Not responding to texts or e-mails that are provocative 9 -4 0. 5 2

          Limiting your conversation to essential information preferably written 9 -4 0. 5 2

          Using a third party to communicate 9 -4 0. 5 2

          Getting all agreements in writing and sticking to them 9 -4 0. 5 2

          Avoid participating in any crazy behavior. If you’re on the phone with theBP NP and he or she starts on a tirade simply state “If you are going tocontinue talking like that I will hang up.” Then do it. If you are in a face-to face interaction make the same statement and then leave if necessary. Do notengage in any discussion reasoning defending and so on. It never works. 0 – -4 0. 5 2

        No Contact 0 -4 -4 0. 5 2

        • If the BP NP continues to perpetrate harm and hostility in the present theneliminating direct contact may be the best option. A BP NP who continues toblame you while justifying his or her own bad actions or who continues tocreate havoc and chaos in your life may never be emotionally safe. One ofthe hardest decisions that you may find you need to make is to severely limitor end contact with a harmful BP NP 0 -4 -4 0. 5 2

          Having no contact with the BP NP may not end the pain sadness andanger that have resulted from that relationship but it can be helpful in avoidingfurther negative interactions. Cutting off from the BP NP is most beneficialwhen there is current ongoing harm being done by the BP NP or whenjust seeing or talking to him or her creates an intense emotional pain in you.Sometimes the effect of time and your own healing can make interactionsmore possible in the future. Unfortunately in some situations never seeingthe BP NP again is the only sane option. 0 -4 -4 0. 5 2

          If you decide on no contact really follow through. No contact includesthe following: 0 194 -4 0. 5 2

          Not replying to e-mails texts or phone calls 0 194 -4 0. 5 2

          Not sending cards letters or gifts 0 194 -4 0. 5 2

          Using a third party (lawyer accountant or parenting coordinator) only toexchange necessary information 0 194 -4 0. 5 2

          Not driving by or arranging to accidentally run into the BP NP 0 194 -4 0. 5 2

          Not following the BP NP through social media 0 194 -4 0. 5 2

          Also keep your thoughts and actions aimed at making your own life happierand more enjoyable and stop spending time thinking wondering or worryingabout the BP NP 0 -4 0. 5 2

      5. TRYING TO BE FRIENDS AFTER LEAVING 0 -4 0. 5 2

      • Being friends after leaving is seen by some as being mature and the rightthing to do. However the BP NP is not emotionally mature. That immaturityis what tugs at your nurturing caretaking instincts. If you have left therelationship the BP NP will probably see you as disloyal mean traitorous unfaithful and abandoning. To offer to be friends at that point is insultingand feels like trickery to the BP NP. It can also create fuzzy boundaries thatcan be misinterpreted. Basically friendship with the BP NP after the relaLeavingor Staying 1 tionship ends is not likely and again must be entirely on the BP NP’s terms so think through what you really want and be cautious 0 726 -4 0. 5 2
  • III: Rebuilding
  • Chapter-18 Moving Forward in a Healthy Way
    • Whether you have a family member who is BP NP or have had one or morerelationships with BP NPs you do not have to be defined by those relationships 5

      You have the power to make your interactions with the BP NP morefunctional and productive by changing what you do how you think and whatyou believe about yourself and the BP NP 5

      These changes can make your lifemuch more enjoyable happier and healthier. By pulling yourself and yourinteractions out of the Drama Triangle and moving into the Caring Triangle you are also setting an example for others around you to improve theirinteractions with the BP NP. 5

      You can stop giving your life energy away withno discernible results and instead make good use of that energy in your lifeand the lives of people around you. 5

      1. THE CARING TRIANGLE 5 519 0

      • Instead of being a victim 5 519 0
        • you embrace acceptanceand self-responsibility 5 519 0
      • Instead of persecuting 5 519 0
        • you become assertive and takeaction by doing 5 519 0

          By being assertive and doing you take action without persecuting. 6

          Youdecide what you want and need clearly state your goals and desires and thentake action to make those things happen in your life while still consideringthe feelings and needs of others. 6

          You don’t ignore or invalidate anyone else’swants and needs but you don’t feel obligated to take care of those wants andneeds for anyone else. 6

          By choosing with whom and how you want to becaring of others you let go of being a rescuer and put your energies andefforts to good use in a way that you feel good about 6

          mostimportant you accept the facts of the mental illness of the BP NP and acceptself-responsibility for dealing with the BP NP in the ways that you findhealthy and rewarding rather than feeling resentful and manipulated. 6

      • Instead of being a rescuer 5 519 0
        • you start making choices aboutyour caring 5 519 0

      2. DEALING WITH FEAR OBLIGATION AND GUILT RELAPSES 7

      • FOG-Fear Obligation Guilt 7
        • As you become healthier keep on the lookout for the feelings of fear obligation and guilt to pop up when you are interacting with the BP NP and don’tbe surprised if you get caught by one or more of them occasionally even afteryou feel you are well out of the Caretaker role 7

          Fear obligation and guilt willcontinue to be the BP NP’s favorite tools for pulling you back into the DramaTriangle. 7

          Whenever you begin to have one of these feelings check out consciouslywhat is happening around you step back assess what triggered thefeeling and then take action to move out of that feeling before you findyourself pulled back into the drama 7

          Stop your interaction with the BP NP ifyou can until you get back on solid emotional footing 7

        Relapses are normal and the less upset you get at yourself about them the faster you can leave them behind. Go back to the positive self-talk techniquesthat helped you before and be sure that you don’t go into self-blamingand negative self-criticism. 7

      3. FEELING STRANGE IN A STRANGE LAND 7

      • It’s not easy changing these patterns. Leaving the Caretaker role is a significantchange in how you think and act and maybe how you feel. 7 519 0

        The way youfeel about yourself others and even the whole of human interactions mightbe different. This takes some getting used to. And for awhile it may take agood deal of vigilance. Old ways of doing things can feel so natural and canbe done without thinking while the new ways take attention and determination.Eventually however these new ways will become second nature toyou. In the meantime you may find that it is easier being yourself aroundpeople you have just met than with family members or old friends who canpull you into the old Caretaker patterns 7 519 0

        As you recover from the Caretaker role you may occasionally need totake time to retreat into your old feelings and compare them with the newfeelings 8

        Or you might be afraid that you could be hooked back into the oldfeelings and want to avoid anything that could take you back 8

        Other times you may find yourself feeling off kilter emotionally mentally or even physically. 8

        You may find yourself wondering if you are “normal” in your responsesor reactions to situations or people. Am I feeling too much or too little? Aremy responses too friendly or too distant? Should I say something? Whatshould I say? Having lived in a world where everything you said and did wascriticized or judged as wrong by the BP NP you may find yourself feelingunsure what to say and do or even how to feel without that constant negativereflection. But that was more like the reflection from a circus fun housemirror distorted and extreme 8

        What you really need now is your own inner awareness of who you areand what you want and need. Trust your own intuition in assessing situationsand think about how you would want others to respond to you and do thesame for them. In truth most Caretakers have extremely good intuition. Youhave had to read the erratic ups and downs of the BP NP for years so it islikely that you can easily tune in to the interpersonal nuances in relationships 8

        “doing the wrongthing ” 8

        • What tends to hold Caretakers in limbo is the fear of “doing the wrongthing ” which really translates into doing something the NP BP didn’t like.Without the BP NP there to criticize you learn to trust your own reading ofsocial situations and see how that works. It usually works very well. Thismeans taking a chance on your own abilities to be normal. It can be a bitscary but taking that chance and being successful can be very empowering. 8

      4. KEEPING YOUR BOUNDARIES PROTECTED LONG TERM 8

      • As you get healthier and choose to live a happier calmer and less dramaorientedlife the BP NP in your life will not be impressed 8

        At first the BP NP will try to reengage you by attacking or belittling you making hurtfulcomments observations or judgments. 8 783 0

        When you do not reengage with theBP NP in the old way of defending yourself he or she will typically be at aloss as to how to interact with you. 9

        If you quit playing the BP NP Caretaker game the BP NP is likely toincrease his or her negative challenges for awhile. Eventually if you continueto avoid responding to these provocations and instead avoid or takecontrol of the interactions with the BP NP things will calm down. If youhave cut off contact with the BP NP you may also see an increase in the BP NP’s trying to engage you usually in a very negative way. The BP NP can bevery persistent so you have to be just as persistent in continuing your newbehaviors 9

        If you are still in relationship with the BP NP there may be less for youand the BP NP to talk about or find to do together when you don’t play by therules of the game. Doing activities together that don’t require verbal interactionoften work the best 9

        example 9

        • For example going to the mall going to a movie watching television hiking bike riding or attending a sports event usuallywork pretty well. Avoid long rides in a car sitting around the house together discussions about anything involving opinions or beliefs or trying to workon a project together. These probably will not turn out well. 9

        continually remind yourself 9

        • You may need to continually remind yourself that the BP NP has little orno interest in what you think what you are doing what you want 9

        no emotional connection 9

        • You will now be in a more cordial relationship with the BP NP but it haslimited content and pretty much no emotional connection 9

          You may findyourself yearning for the few early days weeks or months of your relationshipwith the BP NP when things were fun with the BP NP and maybe evenfabulous. 9

        steadfast withyour boundaries 9 519 0

        • The important thing to remember is that you need to stay steadfast withyour boundaries keep your interactions with the BP NP short and positive and keep your own counsel about your choices of how you interact with theBP NP. 9 519 0

          The BP NP may attack you or he or she may try to lure you backinto the old relationship by being especially nice. Remember that the BP NPwants you when you’re gone but doesn’t want you when you are there andwhen you no longer fulfill any of his or her needs you simply may cease toexist in his or her awareness. 9 519 0

        wants you when you’re gone 9 519 0

        • Remember that the BP NPwants you when you’re gone but doesn’t want you when you are there andwhen you no longer fulfill any of his or her needs you simply may cease toexist in his or her awareness. 9 519 0

      5. WHEN THE BP NP IS A FAMILY MEMBER 0 96 0

      • Example: Nicholas had put a lot of energy and care into getting over being a Caretaker tohis NP father. He reported that when his father was in the hospital at the end ofhis life and the family was gathered around his father introduced everyone inthe family including Nicholas’s two daughters to the attending physician butomitted Nick. Nick was hurt at being omitted but he also saw that as confirmationthat his father no longer saw him as an extension of himself 0

        Being ignored or ceasing to exist to a BP NP often isn’t pleasant but it doesindicate that you are no longer their Caretaker. Keep in mind that you as theunique individual who you are may never have really existed for the BP NPanyway. The BP NP knows you are alive but your individual feelings values interests and ways of looking at the world have never existed in the BP NP’s conscious awareness. 0

      6. DECIDING TO LIVE YOUR OWN LIFE 1 625 0

      • The most common complaints that ex-Caretakers hear from the BP NP arethat you are being selfish ungrateful and wrong. Deciding to live your ownlife will probably be considered a betrayal to the BP NP. To the BP NP theonly choice is always the choice that he or she makes. 1 678 27

        If you get only one life to live why would you choose to live someoneelse’s dream rather than your own? Your life is yours and it is the only oneyou will get so living your own dream and your own life in your own wayseems to be the most logical and sensible choice to make. This does not meanyou have to be uncaring or rejecting of anyone else’s life choices. It is notselfish to choose a good life for yourself. It is not ungrateful to have differentthoughts needs wants or feelings from the BP NP. You are not being disloyalby choosing differently. These accusations are the BP NP’s way oftrying to control you to make him- or herself feel safer or more secure. Youhave the right and the responsibility to choose what and how much you dofor others and it is important to think long and hard before giving up on yourown well-being for the transitory feelings of someone else. 2 43 27

      7. CREATING 2 43 27

      • Living your own life choosing for yourself and being responsible for yourselfinstead of being focused on blaming the BP NP allows you to bring intoyour life more of what you want. You are freer to think in new ways try outnew relationships and observe accurately the results of what you actually doin your interactions with other healthy people 2 360 27

        Many ex-Caretakers create anew sense of family that includes friends healthy relatives mentors counselors and other wise people. Find people to be close to who can help youcreate a healthy life for yourself and your loved ones. 2 360 27

        BP NP-dominated families tend to pass on beliefs such as 2 413 27

        • only bloodrelatives can be trusted 2 413 27

          everybody in the family always agrees 2 413 27

          never shareanything personal with “outsiders ” 2 413 27

          don’t ask anyone for anything 2 413 27

          don’texpect outsiders to be nice to you. 2 413 27

          It is a very fear-based worldview and it isdesigned to be isolating protected and controlled by the BP NP 2 413 27

          But there are many ways to create a close caring relationship network.Think about your own deeply held values and beliefs. Create the image of alife that you think you would like and give it a try. Find others who practicemore positive ways of communicating be with those people more and learnfrom them. Join in ask share and create your own dream 2 4 27

      8. DOING WHAT YOU WANT WITH YOUR LIFE 2 4 27

      • From now on it is all up to you to decide how you think believe feel andact. As an ex-Caretaker you know that it is your responsibility to do whatyou want with your life 2 730 27

        Making your own decisionsabout your life is what brings you peace and comfort and reduces the anxietyyou used to feel. Owning your own life leads you to loving relationships asatisfying career solid friendships and a sense of well-being within yourself.Keep moving to your own rhythm and in your own direction toward the lifeyou want and you will succeed. 3 -10 27

  • INTRODUCTION: HOW DOES IT LOOK TO NOTBE A CARETAKER?
    • The new you is actually thereal you. When you aren’t caretaking another person’s life you are free to bewho you really are to reach out toward your potential and to make a genuinecontribution to your own life and to the lives of others. 4 7 102
  • Chapter-20 The New You
    • How do you see yourself without the Caretaker role? 3
    • Do you have a clearpicture? 3
    • Are there some new behaviors that I have outlined that you finddifficult to imagine? 3
    • What old behaviors are a relief to let go? 3
    • list of the behaviors and feelings that you release and let go of 3
    • Let Go Of: 3
      • Victimization 3
      • Pleasing the BP NP 3
      • Trying to fix the BP NP 3
      • Total responsibility 3
      • Rigid rules 3
      • Fear obligation and guilt 3
      • Chronic self-sufficiency 3
      • Anger 3
      • Tension and anxiety 3
      • Powerlessness 3
      • Focus on BP NP 3
      • Hopelessness 3
      • Helplessness 3
    • Gain: 3
      • Self-responsibility 3 519 0
      • Pleasing yourself 3 519 0
      • Creating a life for yourself 3 519 0
      • Self-responsibility 3 519 0
      • Making healthy changes 3 519 0
      • Assertion skills 3 519 0
      • Reaching out to others 3 519 0
      • Understanding 3 519 0
      • Relaxed and clear 3 519 0
      • Power over your own life 3 519 0
      • Focus on your own life 3 519 0
      • Self-direction and life plan 3 519 0
      • Problem-solving skills 3 519 0
    • 1. BREAKING FREE OF YOUR CARETAKER IDENTITY 4
    • 2. STEPS IN OVERCOMING THE CARETAKER ROLE 4
      • Increase Your Self-Esteem 4 624 0
      • Take Care of Your Own Needs Yourself 5
      • Become Financially Independent 5 0
      • Develop a Support Network 6 42 0
      • Stop Playing the BP NP Games 6 254 0
      • Quit Trying to Change the BP NP and Change Yourself 6 0
      • Define and Create Your Own Life 6 624 0
    • 3. BECOMING CONGRUENT INSIDE AND OUT 7 42 0
    • 4. OPEN THE DOOR TO YOUR NEW LIFE 7
  • Chapter Reaching Out to Others
    • To let go of the Caretaker role you will need to reach out to others forfriendship caring and support 5

      1. FINDING FRIENDS 5

      • As a Caretaker you may have had very few close friends. Friends expect areciprocal fairly balanced interaction which is different than you have beenhaving with the BP NP. Friends also expect you to follow through with theplans you make with them. After having to cancel numerous times to takecare of an emotional meltdown by the BP NP friends tend to fall away andfind people who are more available and reliable 5 519 0

        When you take steps to let go of the Caretaker role friends are a veryimportant part of your support system. They can be a sounding board giveyou perspective and help you figure out who you are and what you like todo. 5 519 0

        Look around and notice the people around you such as those in a class in a discussion group at the grocery store at the gym and so on. Identifywhat you like about the people you observe. How are people like you? Howare they different? What do you think you might enjoy doing with otherpeople? What are the qualities you want in a friend? 5 519 0

        Reach out to people who feel safe and comfortable to you. Try out a fewsimple activities such as going for coffee or taking a walk. If you like theinteraction think of other things that you might be willing to do 5 519 0

        In friendship you are looking for give-and-take back-and-forth. You donot want to get pulled into a Caretaker role with another BP NP 6 43 0

        Some thingsto consider in the early stages of a friendship 6 43 0

        • Picking people with the qualities you value 6

          Identifying the good qualities and the shortcomings of the person 6

          Being aware of how much you each talk and share about yourselves 6

          Observing how the two of you decide what to do and where to go 6

          Observing whether this person has good boundaries without being toodistant 6

          Ask the other person to do something that is inconvenient 6

          Reschedule a get together 6

          Identify something that you find uncomfortable about this new friend andlet him or her know 6

          Don’t try to be perfect don’t be all-giving don’t just listen and don’t be tooaccepting. 6

          be as truly and honestly you as you can be 6

          Try sharingsome personal information ask for help to do something share everydayexperiences and keep your eyes and ears open for the qualities you want in afriend. 6

          Picking a friend is a very personal and self-fulfilling experience 6

          Each “friend” does not have to be your best friend forever. You may findone person you like to have lunch with another for hiking and another forsupporting you as a parent 6

          Take the good interactions and increase them andavoid the interactions that aren’t as appealing. Build a variety of friendshipsat different levels. Some friends will be more emotionally close; others maynot be. Some you may want to see a lot and others not as much. Spend timefocused on positives enjoy each other’s competencies and avoid usingfriendships for complaint sessions. 6

      2. BUILDING RECIPROCITY 6

      • A real friendship is based on each person giving the other approximately thesame amount of energy as each receives 6 625 0

        Whether this energy is in the formof attention invitations gifts advice help or understanding does not matter.This is called reciprocity and is the opposite of caretaking 6 625 0

        The exact form of giving and receiving doesn’t really matter; rather it isthe energy that is exchanged. Notice how often each of you calls the other who suggests the most activities whether one person is paying for morethings who gives the most advice and help who cancels the most and so on.Work at keeping a balance by taking one step toward the other and waitingfor the other person to take one step toward you. Especially watch theamount of energy each of you is giving. Does one person feel more needy ofthe other does one person seem stronger are either of you angry or hurtwhen the other doesn’t call for awhile or does either of you feel the relationshipis “unfair” in any way? 7 43 0

        If you feel the relationship is out of balance don’t demand that the lessgiving person give more. Notice the level of the energy exchanged and trymatching the other person by giving more or giving less. See how that feels.Demanding that the other person give more or less or being hurt that therelationship is out of balance are old Caretaker feelings and behaviors 7 96 0

      3. HEALTHY PEOPLE CAN BE HONEST 7

      • Healthy relationships also include the ability to be honest and straightforwardwith each other. You can each ask for what you want and you can eachaccept “no” as well as “yes” to simple requests without hostility or hurtfeelings. Friends give each other reasons for their actions requests andresponses. They “seek first to understand” the other. Defensiveness should bemore of a rare response than the norm. When you have taken enough time toget to know someone you should have built a level of trust and mutualacceptance that allows you to withhold judgment until you know the wholestory. The two of you can problem solve together so that a mutually positivesolution can be found. A good friendship also can become the model andprovide the skills for a good love relationship. 7

      4. HEALTHY FRIENDSHIP SKILLS 7

      • Having a healthy friendship includes the ability to share your thoughts andfeelings to describe your emotional processes to not take what the otherperson says and does personally and to trust that your friend will support andcare about you even if he or she disagrees with you. Being a good friendtakes a lot of sharing and caring back and forth 7

        When you find friends who give back to you it can be very tempting toturn the tables and become the person who just receives. 7

        It can be heady and exciting and so fulfilling to be listened to responded to and cared about. 7 793 0

        Butyour friendships will no longer be true friendships if they begin to serve asways to fill up your neediness left over from the past. If you notice a strongdesire on your part to get more support and understanding from your friendthan you are giving or more than the other person is comfortable with that isa good time to call a professional therapist. 8 105 0

        A therapist can give you thatextra attention insight and support in a way that is healthy. Keep caretakingout of your interactions (no matter which way it is going) and this will allowyour budding friendship to mature and grow into a true sharing relationship 8 105 0

      5. HEALTHY FRIENDSHIP BOUNDARIES 8 105 0

      6. NOT ALL FRIENDSHIPS ARE FOREVER 8 528 0

      • Caretakers tend to believe that once you are friends with someone youshould never let the friendship go. As you move from being a Caretaker tobeing a whole and healthy person you will inevitably find that some of yourformer relationships really don’t meet the standards of being real friendships.Many of these friendships were actually a one-way giving of your energy tofix help rescue or take care of someone; they were mutual complaint sessionsabout your relationships; or they just never were very fun but that’s allyou thought you deserved. 8 528 0

        As you learn to recognize and be comfortable with reciprocity the wornout drained feeling you get from these old one-way relationships will becomeless and less attractive. However as you give less and expect to begiven to in a more equal way you may notice these “friends” disappearing.Let them go. If you have to demand that the other person give an equal shareof energy and attention then the relationship has no real potential for healthanyway 8 528 0

        Letting nonreciprocal relationships go without attack rejection criticism or resentment is an art in itself. Keep in mind that you did a lot to maintainthe imbalance in these relationships by accepting and putting up with theimbalance by not asking for what you wanted and or by not leaving whenthe relationship didn’t give you what you wanted. It is also likely that whatyou wanted in the past such as being needed being overly helpful or beinghumble and undemanding just aren’t the things that you want in a friendshipnow. Be thankful for this former friend in teaching you to realize how anunbalanced relationship feels. Accept the lesson you have learned and let theperson go with your blessing. He or she doesn’t owe you anything since inthe long run you may have learned more about being a healthy person thanyou ever could have without him or her. 9 105 0

      7. LEARNING TO HAVE FUN 9 0

      • It really helps to have a friend or two (or more) with whom you can spendtime just having fun. Fun is a necessary component of having a good enjoyable and healthy life. Look around you to find people who know how tohave fun and who are also responsible. These people are good models andyou could try out some new fun things with them. Explore all kinds of funthings until you settle on the things that you really like. Classes clubs andgroups focused around a certain activity can be a good way to start. Bysharing an activity with a group you will automatically make new friendswho like to do the activity you are sharing 9 0

        Having friends who you have fun with will keep you motivated to let theCaretaker role go. You are more likely to follow through with a fun event ifothers are counting on you to be there. You could even make a weekly datewith yourself to go out and do things you enjoy. Getting to know how youlike to have fun is an essential part of knowing yourself having an enjoyablelife and creating a life that is worth living. 9 475 0

      8. OTHER WAYS OF REACHING OUT 9 475 0

      • ways to join life 9 687 0
        • For Self-Esteem 0 -1 0
          • Get a professional portrait done 0 52 0

            Get a haircut manicure or pedicure 0 52 0

            Help people who really can appreciate your efforts such as volunteeringat a retirement home school or library 0 52 0

            Get a job that you really feel good about 0 52 0

            Make new friends and make time to be with them 0 52 0

            Accomplish something that you have wanted to do such as publishing anarticle painting a room or washing your car 0 52 0

            Notice each time you do an activity how much you enjoy it or not 0 52 0

            Get rid of as many “have to and should” activities as possible 0 52 0

            Dress up once in awhile. 0 52 0

        • For Having Fun 0 316 0
          • Make a list of everything you have had fun doing in your lifetime and trysome of them again 0 316 0

            Keep a journal of things you do each day and note how much fun eachthing was 0 316 0

            Ask other people what they do for fun 0 316 0

            Read the weekly activities listed in the newspaper and pick out one to try. 0 316 0

            Try a new restaurant once a month 0 316 0

            Go to an emotionally healing workshop every few months 0 316 0

            Take a class for fun and enjoyment such as folk dancing Japanese culinary arts watercolor or photography 0 316 0

        • For Your Health 0 316 0
          • Have a checkup once a year and actually go get the tests done 0 473 0

            Do something delightful for exercise such as starting a garden taking ahike dancing getting a dog and walking it or learning to juggle 0 473 0

            Eat really well by selecting foods that are tasty and beautiful 0 473 0

            Take a deep relaxing bath instead of a fast shower 0 473 0

            Read an inspiring book 0 473 0

            Learn to notice how your body feels 0 473 0

            Get really good sleep 0 473 0

            Get a massage or try yoga 0 473 0

        • Life Direction 0 473 0
          • Everyday ask yourself “Am I living the life I choose?” 0 686 0

            Look for happy surprises such as spring buds or an unexpected compliment 0 686 0

            Notice how living your values enhances your life 1 4 0

            Take time to explore your own thoughts and feelings. 1 4 0

            Notice who and what you appreciate in your life. 1 4 0

            When you identify a problem figure out how to solve it then followthrough 1 4 0

            If something is missing in your life find a way to get it into your life even if it takes awhile 1 4 0

      9. GETTING THERAPEUTIC SUPPORT 1 0

      • Learning that you are not alone in your experiences with the BP NP 1 0

        Feeling understood and supported by others who really “get” what beinga Caretaker is all about 1 0

        Getting ideas on ways to communicate more effectively with the BP NP 1 0

        Having a safe place to get to know yourself your likes and dislikes andyour feelings 1 0

        Creating a new image of how you want to live your life. 1 0

        Learning skills to deal with your own emotional thought and behavioraldistortions 1 0

        Learning to recognize when you are being a Caretaker and stopping thebehaviors 1 0

        Developing a more positive sense of self 1 0

        Deciding on new relationship behaviors and getting support to followthrough 1 525 0

        Taking steps for positive self-care 1 525 0

        Receiving encouragement 1 525 0

  • Compiled By:
    • blindcaveman.wordpress.com
    • Rigel Arcayan

MindMap-BookSummary-SexDrive

MindMap-BookSummary-SexDrive

  • About The Book
    • Title: Sex Drive-In Pursuit of Female Desire
    • Author: Clayton
    • ISBN: 978 174175 6661
    • Chapters: 10
    • Pages: 362
    • myRating: 5 Stars
  • Audience:
    • 1. If you are a wife, read this book
    • 2. If you are a husband, read this book
    • 3. Others, do not read this book, it’s not for you. It does not apply to you!
  • Crisis in women’s sexuality
    • “It’s the end of another long day and you’ve barely survived it. You stand at the mirror and brush your teeth, scrutinizing the lines on your face. You wonder, as you open the little bottle, when you started using cream specifically for the under-eye region. Was that the point when you started ageing? You crawl into bed and rest your body against your partner’s solid form. Although he is also tired, his mouth finds your neck and his hands bring you closer. But you don’t want the intimacy, the physical connection. You’d like to sleep, read your novel, or analyze why your co-worker is so mercurial. Besides, you don’t feel the least bit sexy, and everybody knows that’s the key to everything. When it comes to women’s priorities, is sex on top? A study discussed later in the book estimated that 43 per cent of American women are dissatisfied with sex.1 A Canadian journal reported that 30–35 per cent of women experienced a lack of sexual desire.2 Research in Germany found that once a woman is in a secure relationship her sex drive begins to plummet. Women are collectively not in the mood because inside our cerebral cortex, where arousal originates, there is a to-do list that is never-ending. And just when it looks like you’ve nailed all the tasks, another lot file in, obliterating any thought of sex.”

      Sex therapy does not have a good success rate.

      Who in the relationship is in the best position to fix the sexual stalemate?

      Is it you? Is it him?

  • What is DIN?
    • Double Income No Sex

      “Libido refers to our sexual drive, but also our general vigor and enthusiasm. Low libido leads to reduced interest in sex and reduced creative expression of our sexuality. However, rather than dissipating altogether, our libido often gets funneled from sex into other areas of our life: Our career can gobble that intense, heady focus. As can our homes, dinner tables and wardrobes. And most undoubtedly, a singular absorption with our children can supersede even the early, blossoming stage of limerence. In other words, often it is not that our libido is low, but rather that our creative energy is being directed elsewhere, from seduction and carnality to more contained pursuits.”

  • Chapter 10: Bringing Sexy Back
    • most cases, the advice given to women with low libido is talk to your doctor but most women, this is the last thing they want to do other advices: do home research, consult self-help books other forms of treatment: acupuncture, herbal remedies or sexuality workshop when you visit a doctor.
  • Diagnostics:
    • 1. medical history
    • 2. hormonal status
    • 3. changes in sexual interest
    • 4. trouble with arousal
    • 5. orgasm or vaginal dryness
    • 6. pain
    • 7. emotional distress
    • 8. use of medication
  • Category of Sexual Problems
    • 1. can’t get it up
    • 2. can’t get it in
    • 3. can’t be bothered
  • 5 Scale of Sexual Desire
    • 1. Initiatory—here you are motivated to have sex, look out for sexual opportunities and feel, in her words, ‘horny’

      2. receptive—in the next level, you are receptive to sex and willing to engage if your partner initiates

      3. available—here you are prepared to have sex, but don’t feel spontaneous lust

      4. neutral—your motivation to engage in sex is low

      5. disinclined—you experience no lust or interest in sexual activity.

  • FSFI-Female Sexual Function Index
  • Compiled By:
    • Rigel Arcayan, 20131001
    • blindcaveman.wordpress.com

Mindmap-BookSummary-RulebookForDecisionMaking

Mindmap-BookSummary-RulebookForDecisionMaking

  • About Rulebook For Decision Making
    • Date Read: October 08, 2016
    • Author: George Pullman
    • ISBN: 978-1-62466-362-8
    • 135 pages
    • MyRating: 5 Stars
  • CHAPTER 1: Decision Styles and Types
    • 6 Decision Styles
      • #1-Unconscious
        • Unconscious decisions are the result of unobserved mental processesthat manifest themselves as preferences, inclinations, or tendencies.We make hundreds of unconscious decisions every day: get up early orsleep in; exercise now, later, or not at all; tee shi
      • #2-Intuitive
        • There are decision situations when you quickly zero in on what seemslike the best possible option, simulate or visualize what will happenin your head, and then go with the plan confi dent that youve madethe right decision.

          We often call these gut-level, instinctive, or intuitivedecisions, in which after a brief pause (a moment of indecision)we arrive at what we are sure is the right thing to do.

          We dont stopto explain the choice or question the evidence we used to arrive at it.We just knowŽ that this person is trustworthy and that shirt matchesthese pants and this ball is going over that fence. We dont have a fullyworked out theory; we just know

          Intuitive decisions are fast and when based on deep experiencethey can be very effective as well. When based on unwarranted orunexamined assumptions, however, they can lead to unfortunateconsequences of the What-was-I-thinking?Ž variety

      • #3-Rationalized
        • Rationalization is a process of explaining a decision after it has beenmade

          Once youve done something or decided to do it, you mayfeel compelled to explain your choice. Although we tend to use theword rationalizationŽ in a negative way, as in the idea of explainingaway a bad decision or excusing ourselves for the questionable thi

          prejudice

          • The word prejudiceŽ has a universally bad connotation, but it really justmeans a pre-judgment and its negative connotation says more about the dominanceof analytical decision-making practices than the nature of the idea.Sure, stereotypes are thoughtless an
      • #4-Justified
        • Justifi cation is a process of defending a decision against accusationsof irrationality or insensitivity or unethical, abnormal, inappropriate,or even just foolish behavior.

          Like rationalization, justifi cation is retrospective,backward looking. Unlike rationalization, justifi cation istypically a public act. Having said that, however, it is worth pointingout that one form of decision making is to imagine how you will justifya

          This kind of dissociative thinking, in which you create a distinctionbetween your present and future self and your personal experienceand the public perception of yourself, is very diffi cult to learn howto do. Many of us live egocentrically in the ever pre

          Self-justifi cation maybe unpleasant, but its healthy if done properly. If done improperly,self-justifi cation becomes self-righteousness or the public equivalentof wishful thinking.

      • #5-Predictive
        • Predictive decision making is a process of deciding what to do based onexpectations about what is going to happen in the future. How youderive that future tells you a great deal about how you think

          Scientifi c thinking is a particularly rigorous form of predictivethinking. Given a model of how B works (a hypothesis), if variableR is held constant while electricity is applied, it is predicted Z willincrease by a factor of one.Ž You dont need to be a

          Whenever you havea model of how something works and imagine a future state basedon that model undergoing some process (even if that process is justtime), you are using predictive thinking.

      • #6-Deliberate
        • Deliberation is a fully conscious, overtly analytical, prediction-basedprocess of deciding among all plausible options using all of the availabledata and refl ecting on the importance of missing or dubiousdata.

          Often the word deliberationŽ is reserved for group decisionmaking, especially with reference to a jury. But whenever a group ofpeople with common or related interests gets together to choose acourse of action that will benefi t them all if it succeeds and

          Whenever you talk to yourself in asimilar way, thinking about the pros and cons, calculating the probabilities,estimating the rewards, weighing the risks, preparing for possiblecontingencies and unintended consequences, and so on as youplan a course of acti

          The more intentional, refl ective,computational, and self-aware your decision in favor of one course ofaction over another is, the more deliberate you are being

    • 10 Decision Types
      • #1-Linked decisions
        • Linked decisions are exactly what the phrase suggests, a decision thatis connected to another one. Sometimes there are multiple, interrelatedconnections. Linked decision making is strategic or logisticalthinking. It is the purview of the planning self when
      • #2-Indirect decisions
        • Sometimes we make decisions about one thing while thinking aboutsomething else. Often this happens while inhabiting the experiencingself, as we are focused on the sensations of the present moment

          not refl ecting on the possible consequences or thinking about howthe present links to the future. Remember, the experiencing self hasno sense of the future

      • #3-Threshold or tripwire decisions
        • Theres also a class of predictive thinking that we might call thresholdŽor tripwireŽ deciding. Sometimes its a good idea to make a

          decision in advance in order to restrain your experiencing self frommaking an impulsive decision in the heat of a moment or to keep yourexperiencing self from letting a situation get out of hand

      • #4-Passive decisions
        • Some decisions are passive, in which you choose the default, eitherjoining the group or following the leader or following a trend, acquiescenceessentially. If you just fi nd yourself going with the crowd, unawareof the moment when your feet left the ground,

          On the otherhand, if you actually said to yourself, Im going with the default here,Žthen you let your refl ective self break in for a moment, to accept consciouslya decision made by somebody else or by circumstances beyondany one persons control. Such de

      • #5-Delayed decisions
        • Choosing to delay a decision is a decision. While we tend to think ofprocrastination as counterproductive, it might be the best decision if further information is required or circumstances might change in theforeseeable future
      • #6-Irrevocable decisions
        • Some decisions have unalterable consequences. Once such a decisionis made, everything changes and theres no control-alt-delete.

          When you recognize a decision as irrevocable, you may feel paralyzed by theenormity of the situation or you may feel like procrastinating eventhough you know you shouldnt. You might fi nd yourself waffl ing.Should I stay or should I go? It also sometimes h

          never to burn your bridges

          • Theres a fairly common piece of advice never to burn your bridges.Typically this advice is offered as a restraint against an impulse to hurtsomeones feelings or cause a stink out of anger or frustration. If youinsult an employer on the way out the door, y

            The expression, however, to burn ones bridgesŽ actually had adifferent meaning when it fi rst entered the world of ideas during thewarring states period in China. The advice is this: if you need yourtroops to fi ght the enemy on the other side of a river,

            One simple way to burn a bridge is to tell other people of yourintentions.

            You are much more likely to do something if you tell peopleyou intend to.

            Saying we will do something and then not following through creates cognitive dissonance in most people, thus pledgingworks.

            You may want to keep in mind the fact that there are always twobridges to burn, the one that leads forward and the one that leadsback. In other words, whenever you think about committing to acourse of action you should at least consider committing to its op

      • #7-Pseudo decisions
        • There is a category of decisions we might call pseudoŽ or fakeŽ decisionsin which you seem to have alternatives but they dont amount toreal alternatives for one of several reasons. They may all be basicallythe same.

          With no differences that matter, theres no real decisionto make. This is why branding is so important in consumer societies.It creates apparent differences where no actual differences exist.

      • #8-Stochastic versus deterministic decisions
        • The list of decision types Ive just given you is by no means complete,but it is probably more than enough to get you thinking about howthinking needs to happen in a context, how knowing what kind ofdecision you are making can help you make better decisions

          Decision making can be equated to problem solving, and effectivedecisions come about because the problem is correctly understood. Itis critically important to begin any decision process by fi rst analyzingthe situation into the two possible types: determini

          two types

          • deterministic
            • linear, causal
            • A deterministic problem is one in which the action and outcomeare causally linked.
            • Given certain inputs, certain outputs certainlywill result.
            • If you exercise more, you will improve your cardiovascular health
          • stochastic
            • dynamic, probabilistic

              A stochastic process, on the other hand, is a processin which the outcomes are probabilistically rather than deterministicallyrelated to the actions taken

              If you exercise more, you wontnecessarily lose weight because you may eat more as a consequence.In stochastic situations the outcomes are uncertain, but they are availableto analysis (often statistical analysis), and thus one can predictwith varying degree

      • #9-Immediate, near-term, and far-term decisions
        • Whenever we make a decision it is because we want to solve a problemor obtain something we cant get directly

          The object of our intentionis called a goal.Ž A goal is a single answer to two linked questions:what and when. Goals are immediate, near term, or far term

          goal

          • The object of our intentionis called a goal.Ž
          • A goal is a single answer to two linked questions:what and when.
          • Goals are immediate, near term, or far term
          • Immediate goals
            • Immediate goals are like itches that need scratching or fi res thatneed putting out: well-defi ned, unambiguous, discrete problems withobvious causes and predictably effective solutions

              They are deterministic,in other words. You know what to do and how to do it. You alsoknow when to do it because when is now.

              Action taken, problem solved

              Complications arise when you mistake a complex decision situation for an itch that needs scratching

              Taking immediate and focused action tosolve a problem you dont fully understand creates new problems

          • Near-term goals
            • what you need to accomplishthis semester or this fi nancial quarter, cant be achieved with asingle move and thus require sequencing your activities and prioritizingyour resources (time, energy, money, etc.).

              To accomplish a neartermgoal you need to set targets.

              A target is typically some kind ofdeliverable, a document, a skill set, a product, a number

              Your targetsshould be concrete, specifi c, and stable.

              Moving targets are hard tohit. Confl icting targets, goals that are somehow in each others way,seriously hamper success.

          • short-term goals
            • Because short-term goals can be achieved or abandoned quickly,temporarily shifting resources from longer-term projects and ignoringone or two of your immediate needs may provide enough resourcesto accomplish a short-term goal without harming your long-termp

              If a short-term goalis proving illusive and therefore starting to siphon resources fromlonger-term goals or interfering signifi cantly with immediate needs,then its time to reassess the target or consider shifting the goal fromshort to longer term.

      • #10-Targets versus objectives
        • While it is possible to achieve near-term goals by setting targets,long-term goals typically require a less focused and more fl exibledecision-making process: a fl ashlight rather than laser beam.

          A lotwill happen over the course of several months, to say nothing of yearsor decades. For one thing, over time you will be distracted by moreimmediate and therefore more apparently urgent needs. Additionally,short-term goals will come and go, constantly sh

          Crucially, over timeyou will change intellectually and socially and so the person who realizesa lifelong dream almost certainly will not be the same person whoset that goal ten years earlier.

          This is why enjoying the process is somuch more important than achieving specifi c goals in life and whysome people prefer to make big decisions by intuitive thought processesrather than analytical ones

          Obviously, if you dont know whatyou want youre unlikely to get it, but if you focus too closely, you arealmost certainly going to miss the mark even as you hit your targets.Thus when setting long-term goals, its often best to think in terms ofa range of

          Rather than deciding at fi fteen, for example, that youwant to be a doctor, it would be more prudent to develop a passion forscience and biology and see where your passions take you.

          Thus when it comes to long-term decision making, think objectivesinstead of targets

          target

          • A target is concrete and static.
          • Targets are like individual stones on a specifi cpath.
          • having a milliondollars when you retire is a target

          objective

          • An objective isabstract and dynamic.

            Objectives are more like a bearing or heading

            minimizing expenses, maximizingsavings, and consistently increasing investments are objectives

            Because objectivesare abstract, they can advise you how to respond effectively inany situation, even unforeseen situations.

            Objectives create values andpreferences that eventually turn into habits of mind. Your habits ofmind will always lead you to prefer what will contribute the most toyour long-term goal or minimize the damage done to your progresswhen a setback is unavoidable

            By setting objectives and letting thembecome cognitive habits, you turn a constantly deliberate decisionsituation into an unconscious decision situation

            If you are having trouble identifying your objectives, start with a compellingtarget, something you want, and then ask yourself what it isabout that target that is consistent with your current values. If whatyou value doesnt align with the target, then eit

          Goal Settings

          • 1. Make a list of things you would like to accomplish, experience,or have (a set of goals).
          • 2. Now sort the list in terms of how long it will take you toachieve them, from shortest to longest.
          • 3. Which ones require targets?
          • 4. Which ones require objectives?
          • 5. Now see if you can turn the objectives into values.
    • 48 Rules for Decision Making
      • Rule 1: Learn how to switch cruise control on and off

        Rule 2: Make informed intuitive decisions

        Rule 3: Avoid wishful thinking, but dontdismiss a decision merely because you madeit before you were able to explain it

        Rule 4: Dont do what you dont want to own

        Rule 5: Play the odds, not the game

        Rule 6: Think each decision through tothe beginning of the next decision

        Rule 7: Dont let your default decisionstyle constrain your options

        Rule 8: Always consider the possibility that anygiven decision might be linked to future decisions

        Rule 9: Beware small choices that will add up over time

        Rule 10: Make more disciplineddecisions by deciding in advance

        Rule 11: When accepting the default, make sureyouve thought about it and not just clicked through

        Rule 12: Pay careful attention to timing, both of thesituation in which you are deciding and the situationduring which your decision will be implemented

        Rule 13: Know which bridges to burn when

        Rule 14: Dont waste energy on pseudo decisions

        Rule 15: Dont apply deterministicthinking to stochastic situations

        Rule 16: You cant hit two targets with one arrow

        Rule 17: For long-term goals, chooseobjectives over targets

        Rule 18: Dont accept System 1solutions to System 2 problems

        Rule 19: Pay attention to what you arent thinking

        Rule 20: Dont think pragmatically aboutprocess-oriented decisions and vice versa

        Rule 21: Decide what to do now based on an informedopinion about whats most likely to be coming next

        Rule 22: Dont just memorize the rules;ponder their implications

        Rule 23: Dont confuse your expectationsor your wishes with the actual probability ofan outcome

        Rule 24: Reassess your expectations whenevernew information arrives or somethingsignifi cant changes

        Rule 25: The chances of two uncorrelatedthings happening are never greater thanthe change of one happening alone

        Rule 26: Expected value = outcome × probability

        Rule 27: Dont bet against the house

        Rule 28: Dont fall in love with an algorithm

        Rule 29: Dont make decisions based onfalse or misleading distinctions

        Rule 30: Minimize your losses (and thereforethe other persons gains) as a way ofmaximizing your gains over time

        Rule 31: If you have a truly dominant strategy, use it

        Rule 32: Do unto others as you wouldhave them do unto you

        Rule 33: Dont escalate tensions unlessyou have hidden reserves

        Rule 34: Dont play if you cant win

        Rule 35: When failure is inevitable,fail quickly and cheaply

        Rule 36: Dont reward or ignore badbehavior (your own or anyone elses)

        Rule 37: Dont make decisions based onthe actions of unpredictable people

        Rule 38: Dont play at life

        Rule 39: Dont confuse certainty with accuracy

        Rule 40: If you think something is true,seek evidence to the contrary

        Rule 41: Make certain your numbers aremeaningful and not just precise

        Rule 42: Make sure your solutions are practicable

        Rule 43: Question twice, act once

        Rule 44: Develop decision-specifi cdecision-making processes

        Rule 45: Play the Devils advocate

        Rule 46: Turn your daydreams intodeliberations by focusing on every detail

        Rule 47: Dont provide permanentsolutions to temporary problems

        Rule 48: Count to ten three different ways

        Exercise: Your Turn

        • 1. Make a list of your habitual behaviors. Can you track downthe decisive moment that led to each preference or inclination?Did you inherit each habit from a parent or absorb itfrom a friend?

          2. See if you can identify a habit of mind, a decision you alwaysfi nd yourself making whenever you fi nd yourself in that situation.How did you come by that habit of mind and what aresome alternatives that dont occur to you normally?

          3. Look up the Einstellung effect. Can you think of a decision youmade that was based entirely on a previous decision? The fi rstfour cars I owned were Honda Accords. Lovely, dependablecars those. Dont fi x what aint broke? Or lack of imagination?Brand lo

          Einstellung Effect

          • Einstellung is the development of a mechanized state of mind. Often called a problem solving set, Einstellung refers to a person’s predisposition to solve a given problem in a specific manner even though better or more appropriate methods of solving the pro
  • CHAPTER 2: Thinking Ahead
  • CHAPTER 4: A Technique for Practicing Your Decision-Making Skills
  • CHAPTER 3: Decision-Making Processes
    • 27 Cognitive Biases
      • 1. Above average effect
        • Above average effect„thinking youre smarter, lessbiased, better looking, better read, just generally allround better than everyone else. Its more than a littlediffi cult to identify with this quirk of mind. But keep a listof the number of times you mutter
      • 2. Ambiguity effect
        • Ambiguity effect„mistaking ignorance for complexity. Ifyou are thinking about something for the fi rst time, youmay think it is very complex and you might be right. Butsomeone with more experience might see more clearlyhow simple it is. What looks stochasti
      • 3. Anchoring effect
        • Anchoring effect„focusing too tightly on a single optionor piece of information. When it comes to deciding,anchoring can be a killer because it limits our interpretationof the sample space and thus limits our perception ofour options. Before you ask yoursel
      • 4. Attentional bias
        • Attentional bias„seeing only what you are focusing onand not whats happening around what you are focusedon. Look up the invisible gorillaŽ the next time youreon YouTube.
      • 5. Availability heuristic
        • Availability heuristic„seizing on a recent or memorableevent as proof of something or thinking that somethingisnt likely because you have no experience of it, basicallyusing your own experience as a general frame of reference.
      • 6. Bandwagon
        • Bandwagon„following the crowd, thinking what othersare doing is normal or that what is normal is right
      • 7. Base rate error
        • Base rate error„focusing on irrelevant details and ignoringgeneral probability when trying to determine a specific probability. If a pill cures headaches within twohours in one patient in ten, is it an effective headachemedication? Well, how many headaches
      • 8. Confi rmation bias
        • Confi rmation bias„emphasizing evidence for a preferredbelief and discounting or entirely missing counterevidence.There is a related effect on memory. We aremuch more likely to remember evidence that fi ts ourexisting beliefs and forget anything that contra
      • 9. Contrast effect
        • Contrast effect„overvaluing something because it isamong inferior examples or undervaluing somethingbecause it is among superior examples
      • 10. Endowment effect
        • Endowment effect„overvaluing your possessions andattributes while undervaluing those of others. Whenit comes to our personal possessions, fair market valueoften leaves us cold
      • 11. Framing effect
        • Framing effect„seeing only a piece of the picture, missingimportant details as a result of tunnel vision or justnarrow focusing. Pull back, metaphorically speaking.Learn to see a threat as a challenge, a lose-win as a winwin,a complaint as an opportunity, a
      • 12. Frequency effect
        • Frequency effect„thinking that something has becomepopular recently when in fact it has always been popularand youve only just started noticing it. Like all of the cognitivebiases, essentially mistaking a subjective phenomenonfor an objective one
      • 13. Gamblers fallacy
        • Gamblers fallacy„thinking that a future event will beinfl uenced by a past event. If I rolled snake eyes last time,theres no way Im going to roll it this time (actually, thechance of snake eyes is always one in thirty-six, no matterwhat you rolled last t
      • 14. Hindsight bias
        • Hindsight bias„seeing a probabilistic event (might ormight not have happened) as inevitable after it happenedand deriding others for not seeing it coming or deludingyourself into thinking you knew it all along. We live lifeforward but make sense of if backw
      • 15. Hot hand fallacy
        • Hot hand fallacy„thinking success leads to greaterchance of success (the opposite of jinx) in situations inwhich confi dence isnt the sole factor. From a statisticalperspective, while people can improve incrementally overtime, if you look at performance da
      • 16. Illusion of control
        • Illusion of control„believing you have greater infl uenceover an outcome than you actually have. Chance, otherfactors, other people, or all three may have more impactthan you realize when you are under the illusion of control.You neednt just let go and let
      • 17. Illusion of coherence
        • Illusion of coherence„mistaking coherence for validity.Just because something makes sense doesnt mean itstrue. The more vivid a description, the more compellingit is, but a description is just a description. DescriptionsDecision-Making Processes € The cog
      • 18. Loss aversion
        • Loss aversion„failing to take a reasonable risk out of fearof losing something of lesser value that you neverthelessalready have. Most people feel the loss of 5 dollars morekeenly than the win of 10 dollars and so wont take a reasonablechance to make 10 do
      • 19. Magical thinking
        • Magical thinking„mistaking coincidence for cause orseeing a causal connection between two independentevents. Magical thinking is a natural result of our mindsdesire to create coherence and fi nd meaning. We canthelp seeing patterns and making connections
      • 20. Mere exposure effect
        • Mere exposure effect„preferring something merelybecause it is familiar, a regular part of your existence, ora feature little noticed but nonthreatening and thereforeacceptable. The opposite is xenophobia, fear of the unfamiliar.If this rates high on your li
      • 21. Naïve realism
        • Naïve realism„believing the world is exactly as you seeit, that your perceptions are accurate and complete, yourthoughts logical, your actions rational or at least justifi -able, and your memory like a video-recording device. Ifyou want to make good decisio
      • 22. Normalcy bias
        • Normalcy bias„failing to plan for a probable disasteror failure to act when it happens, freezing, the oppositeof panic but with quite likely the same negative consequences.People tend to just keep going about their businesseven as the walls are crumbling ar
      • 23. Optimism bias
        • Optimism bias„underestimating how long somethingwill take, or how much it will cost, and overestimating itschances of success
      • 24. Recency illusion
        • Recency illusion„allowing recent experience to undulyinfl uence your thinking about something, thinking,for example, right after a school shooting that schoolshootings are becoming more frequent whereas, in fact,the frequency of such tragic and horrifi c ev
      • 26. Self-serving bias
        • Self-serving bias„believing that when you are right itsbecause of your hard work and innate talent and whenyou are wrong its because of a corrupt system, bad luck,or some other fault outside your control. If you takesole responsibility for your successes
      • 27. Zero-sum bias
        • Zero-sum bias„having a tendency to see all interactionas winner take all, failing to see opportunities for cooperationor having an inclination to reduce cooperativesettings to competitive ones. Just how Machiavellian areyou?
  • Degrees of deliberative rigor 0-100 Point Scale
    • impulse
    • inclination
    • passive
    • intuitive
    • trained
    • intuitive
    • rationalized
    • predictive
    • justified
    • deliberate
  • 21 Steps Generalized Decision Template
    • 1. Goal the decision relates to:

      2. Deadline:

      3. Desired outcome:

      4. Do you need targets or objectives?

      5. If targets, what are they?

      6. If objectives, what values are they associated with?

      7. Method for assessing the decision (result or process or both):

      8. What do you know (evidence); what dont you know (missingevidence):

      9. Which of the cognitive biases might negatively infl uence yourinterpretation of the available evidence?

      10. What are the possible outcomes„the sample space?

      11. What is the probability of each possible outcome?

      12. Are there any relevant changes on the horizon that will modifyyour level of certainty regarding each probability?

      13. What is the expected value of each outcome?

      14. If theres a tie, will marginal utility break it?

      15. What are the possible consequences (positive and negative)of each outcome?

      16. What potential unintended consequences might crop up?

      17. To what future decisions is each outcome potentially linked?

      19. How might this go wrong? What uncontrollable forces mightintervene? And what contingencies do you have in place?

      20. How did the decision turn out? Could the process be usedagain? If so, should it be modifi ed in anyway?

      21. Repeat Step #1-20 3 Times

  • Compiled By:
    • blindcaveman.wordpress.com
    • Rigel Arcayan

Mindmap-Book Summary-Relationship Initiation Handbook

Mindmap-Book Summary-Relationship Initiation Handbook

  • About Relationship Initiation Handbook
    • Date Read: April 1, 2016
    • Author: Specher, Wenzel, Harvey
    • ISBN: 978-0-8058-6159-4
    • 596 pages
    • MyRating: 5 Stars
  • Section I: Introduction
    • Chapter 1. Have We Met Before? A Conceptual Model of First Romantic Encounters
      • The Six Tasks of Success ful Encounters 21 3
        • 1st – the would-be initiator must determine whether the potential partner possesses thequalifiers that make it likely that an encounter will be worthwhile 21 2

          2nd – the would-be initiator must determine whether the other is cleared for an encounter and a relationship 21 2

          3rd – the initiator must find an opener to secure the other person’s attention and provide the person with an opportunity to make a preliminary appraisal of the initiator’s appeal 21 2

          4th the initiator must seek an integrating topic one that engages both partners. Often in such a situation the initiator will ask questions hoping to uncover a common interest 21 2

          5th – the initiator seeks to present a self that will be attractive to the other 21 3

          6th -. the initiator or the other must schedule a second encounter 21 3

      • A Historical Persp ective on Relationship Initiation 9
        • 1. -Field Partnering 1 – 9
          • partnering was regulated andsupervised by parents and mates were often drawn from a pool of family acquaintances 67

            calling system 7

            wherein a man visited the home of a woman and socializedthere under the supervision of her parents 7

            Usually when a woman came of age suitorswere invited by the mother to call on her daughter 7

            Women largely controlled this calling system 7

            Consequently it was initially the mother who determined whether a man possessed the requisite qualitiesfor marriage. 7

        • 2. The Dating System 6
          • The secondperiod the dating system began in the early s and quickly took hold particularly among themiddle class and the nouveau riche—as personified in F. Scott Fitzgerald’s novel of the flapper era The Great Gatsby (Fitzgerald 25). Young men and women “played the field” until they found asuitable partner. 67

            The calling system gradually eroded during the last of the th century and the beginning of the th century. American society was changing greatly (Bailey ). Many people were migratinginto the cities 5 5

            The automobile was becoming more available to the average person. Women wereenjoying more freedom an increased presence in schools and greater participation in the paid workforce.These changes resulted in both men and women having the opportunity to “play the field ”and the dating system came into being. 5 5

            Social initiations and activities moved from the femaledominatedhome to an external world that was dominated by men 5 5

            Moreover magazines popularnovels and radio shows helped establish rules of dating etiquette 5 5

            rules specified that men rather than women were to initiate dates.

            Men were responsible for the majority of Davis’ ( 73) tasks including determining whether thepotential other was cleared for an encounter selecting an opener and setting up a second encounter.

            Women were shifted largely to a “gatekeeping” role in which they accepted or rejected overtures according to their interest in the potential sui

        • 3. Modern Partnering 3
          • The third period which we call modern partnering can be dated from the early s to the present day. Phrases such as recreational sex hanging out and hooking up enteredpublic discourse during this time 67

            This period also saw the development of commercialized methodsof finding a partner (e.g. personal ads and Internet dating) as well as the emergence of open datingamong gays and lesbians. 67

            group dating 8

            • In recent years there hasalso been a movement toward group dating or “getting together.” This involves mixed-sex groups ofindividuals most commonly adolescents or young adults meeting at common gathering places (e.g. movies dances parties and malls) for the primary purpose of having fun. 8

              group dating may facilitate relationship initiation in at least two ways 8

              • 1. it gives people more time to determine if others in the group have the qualities they desirebefore they signal an interest 8

                2. group activities also provide people with clues useful to identifyingintegrating topics should they decide to move forward with someone in the group 8

            Speed dating

            • an organized event that brings together people who are seeking dates

              bringing together potential relationshippartners who are likely to share at least one major qualifier

              speed-dating participantsbenefit from knowing that at least in principle other participants are cleared for an encounter

              In atypical speed-dating session potential dating partners rotate to meet each other in a series of short“dates ” each lasting from 3 to 8 minutes. During these brief interactions people exchange personalinformation. Following each of these mini-dates participants fill out cards indicating whether theywould be interested in further contact with the other person. Participants then leave the cards withthe organizers or transmit their interest over the Internet

              Therefore instead of one or both individualsverbally requesting a second encounter on the spot

              speed-dating participants do not need to set up a second meeting until after they have been informedthat the potential other is interested.

            online dating 5

            • Internet dating sometimes referred to as online dating also has become very popular both inthe United States and in many parts of the world 5

              Internet dating services have assisted individuals in locating potential partners byproviding a medium for electronic personal advertisements that can be posted and searched

            Internet dating services appear to facilitate the tasks of relationship initiation –

            • they greatly increase the pool of potential partners who can beapproached –

              This increases the number of people encountered who possess the qualifiers desired ina potential relationship and who are cleared for an “encounter. –

              the availability of informationon people’s interests occupations and other preferences should facilitate finding openers andintegrating topics that maximize the likelihood of a positive response from the person who is contacted. –

              because face-to-face interaction is not immediate individuals have time to cultivatea more attractive come-on self –

            downside of intenet dating

            • Internet dating opensthe naïve and emotionally vulnerable to predators who may take advantage of the ease with whichthey can put forth an appealing face and portray their motives as honorable
      • Motives for Forming Relationships 3
        • 1. Finding a spouse was the primary motive behind relationship formation. 25 2
        • 2. Satisfy sexual desire sexual intimacy 25 5
      • Valuing marriage 25 1
        • Rather than devaluing marriage as a legitimate motive for partnering the predominantideology in much of Western society today is that marriage is a special union that one isprepared to enter into only after ample relational and life experiences have been acquired 25

          Consequently although most people will at some point in their lives form a relationship withthe objective of finding a marriageable partner the salience of this motive for a particular personat a particular time cannot be assumed. It is not uncommon for an individual to fall “in love” manytimes to have multiple sexual partners and to live with at least one romantic partner before decidingto pursue a relationship that will lead to marriage 25

      • Assumptions 25 5 5
        • model of relationship initiation presumed that individuals generally sharesimilar motivations for forming personal relationships it is evident that in the forum of modernpartnering such motivational congruency can no longer be taken for granted 25 5 5

          The task of assessinga prospective partner’s motives has become an important element of evaluating a partner’s desirability 25 5 5

          Indeed failing to consider a potential partner’s motives and his or her likely openness to one’sown motives can lead to embarrassing hurtful and at times dangerous situations. 25 5 5

          In contrast beingconscious of cues that suggest an incongruity of motives may prevent an individual who is seekinga long-term relationship partner from getting involved with someone who is interested in only aone-night stand (see Reeder this volume). 25 5 5

          The importance of correctly perceiving others’ relationalmotives and goals likely depends on the nature of one’s own motives for forming a relationship 25 5 5

          Anindividual whose sole aim is to find a marriageable partner has much more to lose by misperceivingthe intentions of a “player” than does an individual who is seeking a casual romantic encounter 25 5 5

          Individuals’most salient motive(s) influence to some degree what attributes they consider to be attractive the cues to which they are most attentive their perception of the likelihood that their overturewill be accepted and the ways in which they choose to strategically present themselves to others 25 5 5

      • A Model of Relationship Beginnings
        • First our model suggests that an analysis of relationship initiationsshould begin with a consideration of the motives that people have for forming relationships andshould recognize that these motives shape how people view potential partners who come “undertheir radar. 1

          Second we propose that in addition to Davis’ tasks of determining if a potential partner has important qualifiers and is cleared for an encounter individuals also weigh a number of other considerations—such as the other’s likely attraction to them—before deciding to make an overture 1

          Third our model acknowledges and elucidates the various factors that influence individuals’ use(or lack thereof) of strategic self-presentation to curry the favor of a potential partner 27 –

          Fourth weexamine the dialectical nature of the process of building rapport after an encounter has begun 27 –

      • Motives and Initial Attraction 28
        • Attraction is rooted in the motives and goals that people have for forming relationships. Whereassome attributes (e.g. physical attractiveness or kindness) are desirable regardless of the specificmotives involved many of the qualities that make a potential partner attractive are tied to a person’smotive(s) for the relationship. 28
      • short-term 28
        • Considerable research supports the notion that the salience ofparticular attributes is different for individuals seeking short-term rather than long-term engagements. 28

          Those with short-term motives generally place greater emphasis on qualities such as physicalattractiveness sex appeal and munificence 28

      • long-term 28
        • those who hold long-term goals are more likelyto emphasize the importance of commitment dependability emotional stability and the capacity tolove 28
      • Women are more likely than men to seek long-term committed relationships 28 3
      • men aremore likely than women to desire short-term recreational involvements 28 3
      • five mostimportant qualities men and women seek in a long-term relationship 28
        • (a) mutual attraction and or love 28
        • (b) emotional stability and ormaturity 28
        • (c) dependable character 28
        • (d) pleasing disposition 28
        • (e) education and or intelligence 28
      • The Decision to Make an Overture: From Attraction to Affiliation 29 491
        • Relationships are initiated and take shape within what Kerckhoff ( ) described as people’s “fieldof availables.” 29 491

          This field consists of people individuals are likely to come across in their day-to-daylives or learn about through a mutual acquaintance 29 491

          Would-be partners may work in the same building as did Amy and Michael; they may be coworkers friends of friends or people who are part of thelandscape of one’s daily rounds 29 491

          Regardless of the context from which a personal or romantic relationshipemerges someone has to make the first move. Someone has to say “Have we met before?”or “I’ve really enjoyed working with you on this project. Would you like to go to dinner sometime?” 29 491

          The decision to make a bid for another’s attention is driven by attraction 29 491

      • V = f (A × P)
        • V
          • is the strength of the valence of making an overture
        • A
          • is the individual’s attraction towardthe other
        • P
          • is the would-be initiator’s estimate of the probability that an overture will beaccepted rather than rejected by the person
      • The Presentation of Self in First Encounters 1 6
        • When people decide to initiate a relationship they often experience a tension between wanting tobe known and wanting to be liked 1 6

          Most individuals have a sense of who theyare—that is a strong core identity—and would prefer at least when they are looking for a long-termrelationship to express themselves openly and to be liked for the virtues they possess and forgivenfor their limitations 1 6

          when people are highly attracted to apotential partner and strongly assured that the individual is interested in them they typically presentthemselves much as they see themselves showing little if any tendency to overstate their positivequalities or downplay their shortcomings. 2 3

          it is common for individuals to lack totalconfidence that they will be able to arouse a prospect’s interest solely by being themselves 2 3

          In suchsituations concerns about acceptance become more salient and may lead people to try to cultivatethe other’s interest by presenting a self that they think the other will find attractive. 2 3

          when people are highly attracted to a prospect but are provided with onlymoderate assurance of the other’s interest they are likely to embellish their positive qualities andminimize their shortcomings. 2 3

          This tendency to enhance one’s image was not found in situationswhere individuals were not attracted to the potential partner or when they were informed that therewas no chance of acceptance by the other 2 3

      • 3 primary ways people can strategically attempt to build a prospect’s interest 2 3
        • (a) They can try to make themselves appear likable 2 3

          (b) they can attempt to appear competent or capable 2 3

          (c) they can seek to come across as morallyvirtuous (i.e. as having integrity) 2 3

          People try to make themselves likable by drawing attentionto positive aspects of their personality by expressing attitudes or interests they believe conform tothose of the other or by flattering the other by commenting favorably on the other’s qualities 2 2

      • ingratiation strategies 3 9
        • Gain favour with somebody by deliberate efforts 3
        • flattery 3 – 3
          • flattery is a particularly effective tactic becausepeople like to be liked and thus perceive the flatterer to be credible 3 – 3
        • excessive drawing attention to one’s good quality 3
          • On the otherhand there are significant risks to drawing attention to one’s good qualities or trying to find pointsof agreement; the ingratiator may seem too eager to please and may be seen as obsequious or needy 3
        • admire and respect 3
          • People admire and respect—and hence are attracted to—others who are capable talented accomplished and resourceful 3
        • excessive promoting their talents or drawing attention 3
          • Would-be ingratiatorsmay seek to attract interest by promoting their talents or drawing attention to their athleticism theirknowledge or their pedigree. If they are not careful however they run the risk of seeming conceited narcissistic or self-important all of which might undermine their appeal 3
        • excessive self-promotion 3
          • Although Gordon’s(1 6) meta-analysis did not distinguish between self-promotion as embellishing one’s likablenessand self-promotion of one’s talents or virtues he found evidence that obvious self-promotion in theservice of whatever positive impression generally boomerangs. It is far better to have someone elsebrag about one than to do the bragging oneself. 3
        • integrity 3
        • honest 3
        • sincere 3
        • moral 3
      • short-term relationships 3 2
        • individuals who are seeking short-term relationshipsare particularly likely to be disingenuous—if need be—in order to attract another’s interest. 3 2

          Both those who pursue others by being emotionally warm with little interest in long-term commitment(“players”) and those who try to get what they want while remaining emotionally distant anduncommitted (“predators”) endorse using charm and manipulation to secure a potential partner’sinterest 3 2

          Players are also likely to report being willing to seduce a prospect by lying and being flashy 3 2

      • long-term relationships 3 2
        • individuals who have a long-term orientation aremore likely to try to attract a partner through supportive ingratiating behaviors such as helping apotential partner accomplish something being honest and providing sincere compliments 3 2

          Suchpartner-oriented individuals typically eschew the use of deceptive manipulative ingratiation tactics seeing them as illegitimate ways to elicit the other’s attraction 3 2

      • Building Rapport in Initial Encounters 4 – 9
        • For an encounter to be successful people must build rapport. This goal is salient regardless ofwhether a person seeks a friend a casual sex partner a romantic partner or a mate. In all such situations the relationship seeker must use an effective opener build an affinity and if in theend the partners wish to meet again set the stage for another encounter. 4 – 9

          We will treat these taskssequentially. Once an individual opens a conversation however the dialogue between the partnersproceeds dialectically with the outcome depending on how both partners act and react to each otheras the encounter unfolds 4 – 9

          To build rapport with a potential partner the initiator must first open the conversation typicallyby putting forth an opening line designed to persuade the other to continue the interaction 4

          Sociallyconfident people may put little thought into how to open a conversation because they find it easy toattract the initial interest of others. 4

          In contrast individuals who lack such social confidence—thosewho are shy insecure or fearful of rejection—may not seriously consider making an overture in thefirst place 4

          However according to our model those who areattracted to someone and moderately confident of acceptance should give considerable thought tothe likely effectiveness of various opening approaches before making an overture 4

          The best openers for men this research shows appear to be those that are not seen as“lines” by women 4

          Confident direct or innocuous overtures are more likely to get a conversationoff to a good start than are indirect cute or clever gambits 4

          In contrast women interested in getting a conversation off the ground atleast in a singles bar can open pretty much any way they please. They can be direct cutesy or coywhen approaching an opposite-sex prospect—all starters work about equally well 4

          the intensity of an opener should mirror the intensity ofthe potential partner’s signal—if in fact there is one 4 8

          when individualsare attracted to others they behave in ways that elicit the other’s attraction which in turn thenbuilds their own affinity for the partner. 4 4

          When men were led to believe that a woman they weretalking to on the phone was physically attractive they acted more sociable sexually warm interesting outgoing and humorous than when they were led to believe their conversation partner wasunattractive. 4 4

      • Theoretical Persp ectives on the Conceptual Model 5
        • Social Exchange Theory 5 467
          • Exchange theory derives from social learning and marketplace economic theories of human behavior 5 467

            people operate under the “pleasure principal ” and as such they seek to identify prospective partners with whom interaction promises to be rewarding ratherthan costly. 5 467

            The main currency of exchange according to Homans is the expression of positive andnegative sentiment: Another person’s esteem is rewarding whereas rejection is costly 5 467

            The exchange logic is reflected succinctly in the idea that “[p]eople join together only insofar asthey believe and subsequently find it in their mutual interest to do so” 5 1

            Exchange theory also draws attention to the idea that even at the outset of a relationship peoplemay think about what might happen down the road. People contemplating the initiation of a relationshipthat they hope will be long-term attend both to the likelihood of immediate acceptance and tothe likelihood of long-term mutual interest should a relationship become established 6 –

            They knowthat it is one matter for a person to say “yes” to an overture and quite another matter for a person tosay “yes” to an ongoing relationship 6 –

            A proposal of marriage in our society tends to be a way in which a man sums up his social attributesand suggests to a woman that hers are not so much better as to preclude a merger in thesematters 6

            Such a proposal can be seen as the culmination of an extended two-way dialogue as the partnersnegotiate and renegotiate their level of involvement based on their interest in each other and themutuality of that interest 6

            Exchange theorists also have suggested that concerns about issues of reciprocity underlie strategicself-presentation in initial encounters 6 2

            People fashion a come-on self based ontheir assessment of whether a hoped-for partner will accept their overture and try to show themselvesas having qualities valued in the marketplace 6 2

            Social exchange principlesalso underlie the success of many ingratiation strategies—such as opinion conformity and flattery—that rely on offering another person rewards (e.g. compliments) to increase the probability that theother will reciprocate in kind 6 2

        • Interdependence Theory 6
          • Interdependence theory (Kelley ; Kelley et al. 3) is built partly on principles of exchange 6

            The theory takesas its starting point the “situation” in which two individuals find themselves 6

            Situations differ in theextent to which the partners’ interests are correspondent in how the partners communicate andshare information and in the serial ordering of their actions 6

            The prototypicalsituation we have used in this chapter is one in which a person is faced with deciding whether ornot to make an overture to another individual. 6

            The interdependence theorist would break down thesituation much like we have first by representing the would-be initiator as choosing between twooptions make an overture or not make an overture and then identifying two possible responsesto the overture on the part of the other accept or reject. 6 6

            The initiator does not know in advancewhether the other will be pleased and accept an overture or if the other will be displeased or indifferentand turn an overture aside. According to the principles of interdependence theory this situationposes a dilemma for would-be initiators if their stake is great—as it would be if an initiator was strongly attracted to the target person. Initiators in such a situation may feel particularly vulnerablebecause their “fate” is under the control of the other individual 7 93

            Attracting an individual’s interest—and then sustaining a relationship—requires finding commonground. The likelihood of finding such common ground from the perspective of interdependencetheory depends on the “correspondence of outcomes ” which generally prevails when people havesimilar points of view interests values and hopes 7 4

        • Evolutionary Social Psychological Theory 7 6
          • Evolutionary social psychological theory posits that preferences for potential partners have evolved according to Darwinian principles over evolutionary time 7 6

            evolutionarytheorists believe that the human mind is a set of information-processing machines that have evolvedthrough natural selection to solve adaptive problems related to survival and reproduction 7 6

            Parental investment–based models presuppose that men and women have differential investments in their offspring and that individuals’ reproductive success is dependent upon pairing with mates who optimize the chances that their investments will pay off 7 7

            Ancestral men who preferred and mated withhealthy as opposed to unhealthy women and ancestral women who preferred and mated with menwho had sufficient as opposed to insufficient resources were more successful in producing offspringand passing on their genes. 8 5

            Early theorizing and research from the evolutionary perspective suggested that men (rather thanwomen) are attracted to physical attractiveness in a mate whereas women (rather than men) areattracted to status and resources in a mate 8

            when the goal is to attract a short-term mate women are believed topresent themselves as sexually available through flirting sexualizing their appearance and actingseductively or by derogating other women’s appearances and hinting that rivals are sexually unavailableor unclean. 8 283

            women seeking to attract a long-term mate are posited to present themselvesas willing to be sexually exclusive or to belittle potential rivals as promiscuous 8 7

            On the otherhand men seeking short-term versus long-term mates are predicted to enact differing strategies thatshow off their present or future resources and status (e.g. wearing expensive clothes versus talkingabout their willingness to commit and ability to acquire long-term resources) and or derogate theirrivals’ resources or ability to provide 8 7

        • Adult Attachment Theory 8 7
          • Adult attachment theory at its core posits that people possess different interpersonal predispositions as a result of their early experiences with caregivers and other personal relationships 9 – 7

            These past experiences result in differences between people in how comfortable theyare with being close to others and how anxious they are about being abandoned ( 9 – 7

            The extent to which people possess these two characteristics can be used to classifythem into attachment orientations: secure (e.g. those comfortable with trusting and depending onothers) avoidant (e.g. those distrustful and uncomfortable with being close to and depending on others) and anxious (e.g. those who worry that others will leave them and feel that others are reluctantto get close to them) 9 – 7

            Other researchers have taken a more dimensional approachto adult attachment discovering for example that three dimensions—comfort with depending onothers anxiety or fear of being abandoned or unloved and comfort with closeness—underlie the traditionaladult attachment orientations 9 4

            classification presumes that two dimensions underlie adult attachment patterns—the self and theother—thus resulting in four attachment patterns: secure (low anxiety and low avoidance) preoccupied(high anxiety and low avoidance) dismissing (low anxiety and high avoidance) and fearful (highanxiety and high avoidance) 9 4

            The expectations that individuals hold for potential partners differ according to their attachmentclassification and are posited to influence how people appraise the potential rewardingness ofa prospect 9

            avoidant individuals—those who expect others to beuntrustworthy—are more likely than secure individuals to project their own perceived interpersonaldeficiencies onto potential partners thus reducing the other’s perceived reward value 9

            extremely avoidant individuals may choose to remove themselvesaltogether from situations that could lead to receiving rewards from others 9

            The relationalexpectations that influence initial attraction also play a role in a would-be initiator’s evaluation thata potential partner is likely to reciprocate the initiator’s attraction 9

            Secureindividuals are likely to be trusting of others and expect that others will act benevolently and accepttheir overtures whereas anxious and avoidant individuals tend to expect that a perceived other willnot be responsive 9

            Once an approach has been made people’s attachment orientations also influence the effectivenessof their tactics in eliciting acceptance 9 3

            Avoidant people tendto present an inflated view of themselves to others in order to appear strong and self-sufficient an approach that often impairs rather than promotes the development of intimacy 9 3

            Anxious people tend to devalue themselves to others—possibly in an attempt to receive thecompassion and love that they fear others will not give them—a strategy that also is not very effective 9 3

            Secure individuals in contrast are less likely than both avoidant and anxious individuals to bebiased or self-destructive in their self-presentations. 9 3

            Attachment-related conceptions of self and others also are important in the rapport-building phaseof first encounters (Shaver & Mikulincer 6). Secure persons who trust others and are comfortablewith closeness openly disclose to would-be partners and are responsive to the reciprocal disclosuresof others (Keelan Dion & Dion 1 8) thus facilitating the development of relationships. 9 3

            avoidant individuals tend to engage in low levels of self-disclosure which reflects their fear of dependenceand lack of trust in others. Anxious people who frequently worry about how others regard them often attempt to rush disclosure thus halting the buildup of rapport because the other is not ready forsuch intimacy 9 3

        • Conclusion
          • Our analysis of the initiation of relationships provides yet another example of the centrality of theprinciple of reciprocity in understanding human affairs

            People care about how others respond tothem: They make overtures with the hope that their interest will be reciprocated; they put out feelersfor sex with the hope that their offer will be taken up; they reveal parts of their identity with the hope that others will like what they see or like them in spite of what they see; they commit theirtime and energy and sacrifice their immediate interests with the hope that their partner will do thesame; and they love with the hope that their love will be returned in kind.

            A -year-old widowedfather may look for very different qualifiers in a mate and perceive his own market value very differentlythan would a single man half or twice his age. An individual with little “human capital”(e.g. education work skills and income) may be forced to think about partnering with a personwho has little to offer or consider not partnering at all. 5

      • self-disclosure 6
        • self-disclosure—an important element in the promotion of rapport—has also long beenviewed as a process of social exchange 6
    • Chapter 2. Friendship Formation
      • how do people “catch” new friends?

        when people are asked what gives their liveshappiness joy and meaning friendships are near the top or at the top of the list

        thegreatest enjoyment and excitement were reported when in the presence of friends—more so thanwhen alone or in the presence of spouse or family. Given how important friendships actually are inpeople’s lives it becomes critical to understand how people form this kind of relationship.

        four major factors

        • environmental factors
        • situationalfactors
        • individual factors
        • dyadic factors

        what friendship is

        • friendship is first and foremost a type of relationship

          “[F]riend” is not just a categorical label like “colleague” or “cousin ” indicating the social positionof each individual relative to the other. Rather it is a relational term which signifies somethingabout the quality and character of the relationship involved

        qualities and characteristics

        • 1. Friendship is a voluntary
        • 2. personal relationship
        • 3. characterized by equality
        • 4. mutual involvement
        • 5. reciprocal liking
        • 6. self-disclosure
        • 7. the provision of various kinds of support

        Environmental Factors

        • It has been assumed that a prerequisite for the development of friendships is that the two peoplemust be brought into contact with one another through physical proximity or propinquity

          Population Density 2

          Residential Proximity 9

          Workplace and School Settings 49 9

          Making Friends Online 5 9

          Social Networks 51 8

        Situational Factors 2

        • The role of serendipity in the formation of relationships is generally not acknowledged. However there are a number of “chance” factors that influence whether or not friendships are formed. Forexample as will be seen a friendship will not develop unless both individuals happen to be availablefor this kind of relationship. A number of other situational factors also play a role in friendship formation.These include the probability of future interaction the frequency of exposure to a potentialfriend and whether the other person has some control over one’s outcomes. 2

          Probability of Future Interaction 2

          • When two people are engaged in an interaction they usually know whether it is likely to be a onetimeoccurrence (e.g. a conversation with a fellow passenger on an airplane) or whether their interactionswill be ongoing (e.g. a conversation with a new colleague). 4

          Frequency of Exposure and Familiarity 6

          Outcome Dependency

          Availability 3

        Individual Factors 1

        • People obviously do not pursue friendships with everyone they meet. In determining which acquaintanceshipswill develop into friendships and which will remain acquaintanceships another classof variables must be considered namely individual-level factors. Interestingly friendship selectionappears to be a two-stage process. 2

          Frienship two-stage process 2

          • 1. The first is an exclusion process in which undesirable candidatesare eliminated from the pool of possibilities 2

            2. The second stage is an inclusion processthat entails deciding which candidates meet one’s friendship criteria 2

          Exclusion Criteria: Deciding Who We Do Not Want as a Friend 2

          • exclusion judgments precede inclusion judgments; we decide who we donot want as a friend before deciding who we do want 2

            2 Kinds of Exclusion 2

            • dislike 2
              • “We never like people who meet our dislike criteriaregardless of what likable qualities they may also possess” 2

                judgments aboutliking and disliking are asymmetrical. People may attribute likable qualities to disliked people 2

                we might admit that a disliked colleague has a good sense of humor) but they do not attribute dislikedqualities to people who are liked (e.g. we would not describe a liked colleague as obnoxious).According to this view if an acquaintance exhibits qualities that we dislike he or she is immediatelystricken from the list of potential friends 2

            • disregard 2
              • people are eliminated from the friendshippool not because they are disliked but because they are judged to be unsuitable friendship candidates. 9

                People may be disregarded because of their race education level age physical attractiveness manner of dress and so on 9

                we use disregard criteria because they“enable us to operate on actuarial or ‘best guess’ strategies so that our energy and attention are notexpended fruitlessly on people we are unlikely to like” 9

          Inclusion Criteria: Deciding Who We Want as a Friend 2

          • Once the candidates who are judged as unsuitable have been culled the focus shifts to inclusioncriteria namely whether the person in question possesses qualities that we desire in a friend. Ofcourse this is a two-way process—not only do we assess whether a potential friend has desirablequalities but the other person also assesses whether he or she perceives those same qualities inus. There are a number of characteristics that are associated with friendship desirability includingphysical attractiveness social skills and responsiveness 2

            Physical Attractiveness 2

            • Why do we want to form friendships with physically attractive people?

              There are a number ofreasons. According to the “what is beautiful is good” stereotype

              people assume that those who are physically attractive also possess desirable traits (for meta-analyticreviews

              Recent research shows that this stereotype operates at an implicit unconscious level

              people automatically tend to attribute positive qualities to good-lookingpeople and negative qualities to those who are not good-looking

              We also assume that physically attractive people are similar to us in terms of personality andattitudes

              attractive people tend to experiencepositive reactions from others which contributes to the development of self-confidence andcompetent social skills.

              interactions with physically attractive people are more pleasantand enjoyable than with those who are physically unattractive

              the conclusion reached in a recentmeta-analysis was that physically attractive adults are in fact more extroverted popular intelligent and self-confident and have more dating experience than their less attractive counterparts

              attractive children are more popular and intelligent and score higher onmeasures of adjustment than less attractive children

              when it comes to forming friendships physically attractive people are at an advantage for a number of reasons

            Advantages-Physical Attractiveness 651

            • Social Skills 651
              • making friends is a skilled performance much likelearning to play a sport or drive a car. Indeed studies conducted with children and adults haveconsistently found that those with good social skills have more friends and interact more positively – 8
            • Responsiveness 1
              • An individual characteristic that is closely related to social skill competence isresponsiveness.

                responsiveness generally takes the form of having participants interactwith a confederate who behaves either responsively or nonresponsively

                The dependent variable istypically liking or ratings of the confederate’s desirability as a friend

        Dyadic Factors

        • Friendships are dyadic relationships

          analyses of friendship formation must take into accountnot only the individual characteristics of each person but also the interplay between them.

          friendships are more likely to form when liking is reciprocal when self-disclosure is mutual and when the two individuals are similar to one another. – 3

          Factors of Friendship – 3

          • liking is reciprocal – 3
          • when self-disclosure is mutual – 3
          • when the two individuals are similar to one another
          • if the two people share a humorous experience

          Reciprocity of Liking

          • “How I like to be liked and what I do to be liked!”
          • reciprocity of liking is most pronounced when one is making initial judgments aboutanother person.

          Self-Disclosure 2

          • Social Penetration THeory-According to social penetration theory when we first meet another person we typically disclose only superficial informationabout ourselves 2

            If an interaction is pleasant and rewarding we will continue to increase thebreadth and depth of our disclosures until we eventually reveal virtually everything about ourselveson virtually every topic. On the other hand if exchanges become unpleasant or uncomfortable wewill return to our earlier more superficial level of disclosure. 2

            One implication of this theory is that we should be attracted to people who engage in intimateself-disclosure because revealing personal information indicates that they like us and desire intimacywith us. 5 5

            people who engage in intimate self-disclosureare liked more than those who disclose nonintimately 5 5

            The greater the self-disclosure from theinteraction partner the greater the attraction (e.g. liking and belief that the other could becomea friend) reported by the participants 5 5

            even “forced” self-disclosure leads to feelings ofcloseness. 5 5

            stranger dyads engaged in a structured self-disclosure process in whicheach person was required to reveal increasingly more intimate information about him or herself 5 5

            findings imply that not only do we like those who self-disclose tous but we also like those to whom we have self-dis

            Self-disclosure onthe part of self was positively correlated with attraction to the other

            in general the greater another person’s self-disclosure the more we likehim or her. We also like those to whom we have self-dis

            At the early stages of relationships it is also important for disclosures to be reciprocal

            If PersonA reveals something intimate about herself Person B needs to reciprocate with an equally intimatedisclosure. Indeed there is evidence that reciprocity of disclosure is associated with greater likingfor an interaction partner

            Reciprocity is considered important in establishing trust in a relationship

            Oncetrust is established it is not necessary for each self-disclosure to be reciprocated in kind

            there is evidence that disclosures that are too intimate—revealing “too much too soon”—arenot likely to be reciprocated and can result in dislike for the discloser

            the results of countless laboratory studies support the idea that self-disclosure that is reciprocaland gradually increases intimacy is associated with closeness and liking

          Shared Fun and Humor 8

          • In a review of the literature on friendship interaction skills across the life span Samter ( 3) notedthat among children two of the communicative competencies that facilitate friendship formationand maintenance are being fun and entertaining and having a good sense of humor. 65

            Having fun andplaying together also comprise a criterion used to identify friendships among toddlers and preschoolers 65

            there is some evidence that once friendships are established shared laughter and funare important in maintaining the relationship – 5

          Similarity

          • One of the most widely researched predictors of friendship formation is similarity

            the “ruleof homogamy” has been described as “one of the most basic principles that has come from the studyof interpersonal attraction”

            There is considerable evidence that people are likelyto become friends with those who are similar to them in terms of demographic characteristics

            Demographic Characteristics

            • age
            • physical health
            • education
            • religion
            • family background
            • residential proximity
            • social status
            • physical attractiveness

          Relation Between Similarity and Friendship

          • Demographic Variables
            • Nonfriends were less similar thanacquaintances and friends in terms ofincome parental status and age

              Acquaintances were less similar in age thanlong-term friends. Acquaintances were lesssimilar than temporary and long-termfriends in terms of ethnicity and gender

              Roommates who chose one another weremore similar in terms of year in collegethan those who were assigned to oneanother

              Among male roommate pairs who chose oneanother similarity in year of college wascorrelated with liking and staying togetheras roommates

              No significant effects for similarity of majorarea of study religious background age race and father’s education 8

              Of participants’ three closest friends greatest similarity was found in terms ofage marital status sex political preference(Altneustadt sample) religious preference education and residential mobility forfirst-named (best) friends followed bysecond- and then third-named friend 8

              Similarity in terms of occupation employmentstatus and occupational prestige relativelyequal across the three friends 8

              Similarity in terms of academic orientation(especially for African Americans). Someevidence of similarity in terms of ethnicidentity. 9

              Students who were similar in terms ofacademic ability were more likely tobecome friends. Students who wereoriginally from the same geographic regionwere more likely to become friends 9

              Friends were more similar than nonfriendsin terms of social status (acceptance andrejection). 9

          • PhysicalAttractiveness Attitude Similarity 3
            • Friends were more similar than nonfriendsin terms of physical attractiveness

              Greater attraction was reported to ahypothetical target whose attitudes wereportrayed as similar rather than dissimilar to those of the participant

              Friends and strangers did not differ in termsof attitude similarity

          • Values
            • Female roommates (chosen and assigned)high in value similarity were more likely toremain roommates (not significant for malepairs).

              Both actual and perceived value similaritywere correlated with attraction over time 9

              Perceived value similarity had the greatesteffect on attraction early on; actualsimilarity assumed a greater importance inlater interactions 5

              Participants were more attracted to ahypothetical person portrayed as similar tothem in terms of interests and hobbies andbasic values (e.g. morals religion) thansomeone similar to them in terms ofpolitical opinions and opinions aboutmatters of fact 5

          • Leisure and ActivityPreferences 5
            • Friends were more similar than strangers interms of activity preferences. 5

              Nonfriends were more similar thanacquaintances and friends in terms ofleisure activities. 5

              Participants were more attracted to ahypothetical person portrayed as similar tothem in terms of interests and hobbies andbasic values (e.g. morals religion) thansomeone similar to them in terms ofpolitical opinions and opinions aboutmatters of fact

          • Personality
            • No relationship between personalitysimilarity and attraction over time
          • Personal Constructs
            • Dyads high in functional similarity (i.e. whoapplied constructs in a similar way whenrating other group members) were moreattracted to one another than dyads low infunctional similarity 3

              Dyads high in structural similarity (i.e. whoshowed similar differentiation andorganization of personal constructs whenrating group members) were moreattracted to one another than medium- orlow-similarity dyads (when tested after weeks of interaction; these effects were notevident after 4 weeks 3

              Friends used more similar systems ofinterpersonal constructs than nonfriends. 3

          • CognitiveComplexity 5
            • Some evidence that participants were moreattracted to a hypothetical target personwho was similar versus dissimilar to them incognitive complexity. 5
          • Social Skills 5
            • Some evidence that children were moreattracted to peers who were similar versusdissimilar to them in terms of social skills(especially skills reflecting emotionalsensitivity and responsiveness). 5

              Toddler-age friends were more similar interms of social skills than preschool friendsor nonfriend dyads 5

          Convergence of Environmental Situational Individual and Dyadic Factors 8

          multiple factors converge in the formation of friendships

          39 variables

          • environmental factors
          • proximity
          • situational factors
          • willingness to spend time together
          • [accessibility
          • individual factors
          • being considerate and understanding
          • dyadic factors
          • attitudinal similarity
          • demographic similarity
          • reciprocal self-disclosure
    • Chapter 4. Attachement Theory and Research: A Special Focus on Relationship Initiation
  • Section II: The Process of Relationship Initiation
    • Chapter 3. An Evolutionary Perspective on Mate Choice and Relationship Initiation 2

      Chapter 5. Prelude to a Kiss: Nonverbal Flirting Opening Gambits and Other Communication Dynamics in the Initiation of Romantic Relationships 4

      • relationship initiation begins with the biology 4 7
      • gender 4 7
      • temperament 4 7
      • background (such as culture) 4 7
      • expectations of each person 4 7
      • dance of courtship 4 7
        • 1. prioritize desires 4 7
          • focuses on how salient motives and expectations affectthe courtship sequence as a function of a variety of individual and social variables 4 7

            Prioritize Desires: Courtship Behavior as aFunction of Culture Gender RelationshipAsp irations and Personality 5 3

            Gender 5 5 5

            • The genders generally differ in their motives for courtship behaviors. Understanding the differencesin motives requires a brief recounting of evolutionary theory 5 5 5

            theory of sexual selection 5 5 5

            • theory of sexual selection suggested that whatever traitis associated with reproductive success will increase in the population and evolve over time 5 5 5

              sex differences in mating dynamics stemmed from differential parentalinvestment such that the gender that made the most investment in offspring would be relativelyselective in the choice of a partner and compete with other members of that gender to attract thebest mate. 5 5 5

            physical attractiveness 6 –

            • physical attractiveness is particularly important in evaluations of females while males tend to beevaluated on their social status and competence … since females have more to lose by making apoor mate selection there may also have been selection pressure for females who were discriminatingof males with the best genetic combinations and who were not deceived by false displaysof fitness 6 –

            nature of the intended relationship 6

            Individuals had different priorities and standardswhen they were seeking to meet someone for a single date a sexual encounter a steady datingrelationship or marriage. 6

            Females had higher standards for sexual relations (which involve pregnancyand disease risks) than they had for a single date whereas males had higher standards to go out on adate (in which they generally pay the costs) than they had for a sexual fling 6

            Females expressed higherstandards than males overall particularly for their mate’s status and earning capacity whereas malestended to have higher standards for their mate’s physical attractiveness than females 6

            female physical attractiveness was a necessity for males in long-term relationships whereas male resources and status were necessities for females 6 4

            Giving research participants a limitednumber of “mate dollars” to spend females were found to spend more of their low budget onmale intelligence followed by male yearly income. Men spent the highest proportion of their lowbudget on female physical attractiveness followed by female intelligence 6 4

            potential long-term marriage 6 4

            • physical attractiveness 6 4
            • creativity 6 4
            • liveliness 6 4
            • social level 6 4

            “maleswant physical attractiveness and females want status and money ” neither beauty nor wealth was theconsistently dominant priority for either gender and even those preferences were not universallyapparent ( 6 1

            gendershad different motives even in a permissive society 6 8

            males may be more interested in short-term relationships than females 6 3

            most single college-age males sought just one or two partners in a year rather than multiple sexual partners 6

            strategic pluralism theory 6

            • According to strategic pluralism theory some females see short-termrelationships with highly desirable males as a fallback strategy to insure that their offspring possessadaptive heritable traits 6

              Females also may use short-term relationshipsas a means of evaluating a male’s suitability for a long-term relationship or securing his interestso he will commit to a long-term relationship 6

            hypothetical romantic experiment 7 9

            • males consistently showed the greatest interest in a highly physically attractive partner followedby a moderately physically attractive partner followed by a high socioeconomic status (SES) partner 7 9

              Females by contrast were most interested in a physically attractive partner for a short-term relationshipand for dating kissing making out and having sexual intercourse but were equally interestedin the high SES partner and high physical attractiveness partner for a longer term relationship 7 9

              both males and females treated physical attractiveness asa necessity in a short-term relationship but both genders treated warmth and trustworthiness asnecessities in long-term mates. 7 9

              The majority of their research participants reported never having hada short-term sexual relationship. 7 9

            Sociosexuality 7

            • People vary in their willingness to ask a stranger to visit their apartment or accept an invitation to goto bed 7

              Not only are shyness and a fear of rejection factors but also some people are simply not interestedin short-term romantic relationships 7

            SociosexualityOrientation Inventory (SOI) 7 2

            • SociosexualityOrientation Inventory (SOI) to assess willingness to engage in uncommitted sexual relations 7 2

            unrestricted 7 2

            • People who desired casual short-term relationships were termed unrestricted and their incidence varied cross-culturally 7 2

              In cultureswith relatively benign ecologies those in which males are in relatively short supply or those inwhich women possess more political economic and relational power there is a tendency toward moreunrestricted sociosexuality compared to cultures in which the ecology is more stressful females are inshort supply or females are relatively powerless 7 2

              Unrestricted individuals sometimes appeared selfish 7

              they displayed less investment commitment dependency and love than more traditional “restricted” individuals 7

              Unrestricted females reported more negative interactions with their romantic partners 7

              unrestricted males described themselves as irresponsible cold and narcissistic 7

              unrestricted individuals sometimes seemed more sociable than restrictedindividuals 7

              Unrestricted females were adventurous and pleasure seeking whereas restricted femaleswere compliant and dysphoric 7

              Unrestricted individuals also were less instrumental or ends oriented in their current relationships than restricted individuals 7

              Of relevanceto initial encounters unrestricted males smiled more laughed more and displayed more flirtatiousglances than restricted males in a lab study of nonverbal behavior and interaction. 7

              Unrestrictedfemales were more likely to lean forward and cant their heads than were restricted females 7

            Mating and Attachment Styles 7 5

            • We proposed that the specific manifestation of SOI was dependent on other aspectsof the individual’s personality such as agreeableness and that the combination of two personalitydimensions can have a substantial impact on mating strategies 7 5

              Individuals who possess the personality trait of agreeableness tended to be warm cooperative sympathetic and helpful 7 5

              whereas people who possess the opposite tendency of disagreeablenesstended to be hostile and uncooperative. 7 5

              In addition agreeable people expend some effort to controltheir negative prejudicial or antisocial impulses whereas disagreeable people do not 7 5

            4 different approaches to mate attraction 8

            • The partner 8
              • responsive 8
              • intrinsically interested in a romantic relationship 8
              • positively correlated with agreeableness 8
              • positively correlated with secure attachment style 8
              • negatively correlated with sociosexuality 8
              • negatively correlated with the three insecure attachment styles [avoidant ambivalent] 8
            • The player 8
              • pursues a mixed reproductive strategy of being moderatelywarm while eschewing commitment. 8

                High scores on the player dimension were strongly correlatedwith sociosexuality and somewhat negatively correlated with agreeableness 8

                correlatedwith all three of the insecure attachment prototypes most strongly with dismissive. 8

            • The parasite 8
              • The parasitepursues a long-term relationship strategy apparently to address personal needs or deficiencies 8

                Theparasite is passionate and intense and may engage in stalking if the partner decides to leave 8

                Highscores on the parasite dimension were negatively correlated with agreeableness 8

                positively correlatedwith the preoccupied attachment style 8

                uncorrelated with sociosexuality 8

            • The predator 8
              • a disagreeableunrestricted individual may be an unscrupulous predator 8
              • exploits and then abandons the date 8
              • High scores on the predator dimension were negatively correlated with agreeableness 8
              • positivelycorrelated with sociosexuality and a fearful attachment style. 8
        • 2. attract attention 8 4
          • Before a romantic relationship can form people have to become aware of each other. One of theprimary nonverbal stimuli that capture the attention of others is physical appearance. The presentationof physical attractiveness is a nonverbal behavior that is forbidden to females in some Islamiccultures which require head-to-toe clothing. Elsewhere both males and females pay attention toand remember physically attractive people more so than unattractive people 8 4

            Attention to physical attractiveness may have evolved because it provided a clue to healthy mates(Symons ) but evidence for the relation of physical attractiveness to health and fertility is mixed 8 491

            physical attractiveness isnot a single dimension such as being curvaceous possessing symmetry or matching the populationaverage but a combination of several desirable qualities. 8 491

            In the multiple fitness model (Cunningham et al. 2) physical attractiveness involves thedisplay of attributes from four categories of features: neonate mature expressive and grooming 8 491

            4 Categories 8

            • Neonate and Sexually Mature Features 8

              humans are drawn to mammals withcute babyish features. 8

              Neonate features include large eyes a small nose smooth skin glossy hair and light coloration. Each of these stimuli suggests youthfulness and fitness as a beneficiary ofresources. 8

              Although neonate cuteness is desirable physically attractive adults possess striking postpubescentsexually mature features which convey the fitness of a mating partner. 9 – 9

              Female sexual maturityfeatures include high cheekbones narrow cheeks prominent breasts a .7 waist-to-hip ratio longlegs and symmetrical features. 9 – 9

              Male sexual maturity by contrast is conveyed by a broad chin thickeyebrows visible facial hair broad shoulders tall height and a 1. waist-to-hip ratio 9 – 9

        • 3. notice and approach 4 7
        • 4. talk and reevaluate 4 7
        • 5. touch and synchronize 4 7

      Chapter 6. Uncertainty and Relationship Initiation 8

      • Uncertainty is an intrinsic part of forming relationships 8 2

        “Howshould I respond?”) their partner’s behavior ( 8 2

        “Why did he say that?”) and the natureof the relationship itself 8 2

        “What is the status of this relationship?”). 8 2

        Acquaintances grapple with questions about their own behavior 8 2

        Uncertainty during theearly stages of relationship development merits study for two reasons 8 2

        • First uncertainty is a powerfulpredictor of people’s verbal and nonverbal communication behavior 8 2

          Second uncertainty shares a close connection withdyadic well-being 8 2

        The Nature of Uncertainty 8 3

        • Uncertainty exists when people lack confidence in their ability to understand their surroundings 8 3

          uncertainty stems from thenumber and likelihood of alternatives that may occur in social situations 8 3

          Uncertainty is low when only a single outcome is plausible 8 493

          uncertainty is high when multiple outcomesare equally probable 8 493

          Uncertainty is a function of people’s ability both to predict future eventsand to explain past events 8 493

          Individuals lack predictive power when they areunable to proactively identify the most likely outcome 8 493

          lack explanatory power whenthey are unable to retroactively determine the cause of an occurrence 8 493

          Uncertainty increases aspeople’s ability to predict and explain decreases 8 493

          Uncertainty arises from both cognitive questions and behavioral questions 8 493

          Cognitive uncertainty 9 – 1

          • Cognitive uncertainty refers to the ambiguity individuals experience about their own attitudesand the attitudes of others 8 493

            Cognitive uncertainty encompasses questions such as “Is he sincere?” 8 1

            “Do I like spending time with her?” 8 1

            “Why is he annoyed?” 8 1

          Behavioral uncertainty 9 – 1

          • Behavioral uncertainty indexes thequestions people have about their own actions and the actions of others 9 – 1

            Behavioral uncertaintyentails questions such as “What is she going to do next?” 9 – 1

            “How should I respond?” 9 – 1

            “Is he aboutto laugh or cry?” 9 – 1

            individuals experience uncertainty when they lack information about themselvesand others. 9 – 1

          Uncertainty according to this broad definition is relevant to a range of dyadic relationships 9 9

          Uncertainty Reduction Theory 9 651

          Assumptions 9 9

          • URT seeks to explain how individuals communicate under conditions of uncertainty 9 9

            individuals communicate to reduce uncertainty about their environment 9 9

            uncertaintyis high when people meet for the first time but decreases as relationships develop. 1 – 6

          Conditions increase people’s drive to reduce uncertainty during acquaintance 1 –

          • 1. deviance 1 –
            • Individuals are especially motivated to reduce uncertainty when a partnerbehaves in nonnormative ways. 1
          • 2. anticipation of future interaction 1
            • People are particularlyinterested in gaining information if they are likely to interact with a partner again in the future 1
          • 3. incentive value 1
            • Individuals are especially eager to alleviate doubts when a partner controlsthe rewards and costs they receive 1

          communication 1

          • According to URT communication is a tool for gaining knowledge and creating understanding 1

          Communication can play two roles within interaction 1

          • 1. communicationcan produce uncertainty 1
            • For example people may question what to disclose why a behavioroccurred or how to seek information. 1
          • 2. uncertainty can be reduced through communication 1
            • For instance individuals may obtain insight through observation glean information from nonverbalcues or gain knowledge from conversation. URT posits that communication can both escalate anddiminish uncertainty. 1

          7 Axioms Uncertainty Reduction Theory 1 5

          • Axiom 1: 1 5
            • Given the high level of uncertainty present at the onset of the entry phase as the amount ofverbal communication between strangers increases the level of uncertainty will decrease.As uncertainty is further reduced the amount of verbal communication will increase. 1 5
          • Axiom 2: 1 5
            • As nonverbal affiliative expressiveness increases uncertainty levels will decrease. Inaddition decreases in uncertainty levels will cause increases in nonverbal affiliativeexpressiveness 1 273
          • Axiom 3: 1 273
            • High levels of uncertainty cause increases in information-seeking behavior. As uncertaintylevels decline information-seeking behavior decreases. 1 273
          • Axiom 4: 1 273
            • High levels of uncertainty cause decreases in the intimacy level of communication content.Low levels of uncertainty produce high levels of intimacy of communication content. 1 273
          • Axiom 5: 1 3
            • High levels of uncertainty produce high rates of reciprocity. Low levels of uncertaintyproduce low reciprocity rates 1 3
          • Axiom 6: 1 3
            • Similarities between persons reduce uncertainty while dissimilarities produce increasesin uncertainty 1 3
          • Axiom 7: 1 3
            • Increases in uncertainty level produce decreases in liking. Decreases in uncertainty levelproduce increases in liking 1 3
          • Axiom 8: 1 3
            • Shared communication networks reduce uncertainty while lack of shared networksincreases uncertainty 1 3

          Strategies for Managing Uncertainty 1 25

          • 1. Seeking Information 1 25
            • According to URT people employ passive active and interactive strategiesfor seeking information 1

              Passive strategies 1

              • Passive strategiesentail unobtrusively observing the target person. 1

                This “fly-on-the-wall” behavior allows an individualto gather information while the target person remains unaware of the scrutiny 1

              Active strategies 1

              • Active strategiesare behaviors that require direct action but do not involve communicating with the target person 1

                Examples include asking questions of a third party and manipulating the target person’s environmentto see how he or she will respond 1

              Interactive strategies 1

              • Interactive strategies require communicating with the targetperson 1

                This category encompasses behaviors such as asking questions disclosing information in thehopes that the target person will reciprocate and relaxing the target person in the hopes that he orshe will open up 1

              The categories of information-seeking behavior vary in their degree of face threat efficiency and social appropriateness 1 1

              For example passive strategies incur only minimal face threat because an individual observes from a distance 1 1

              On the other hand passive strategies may not generate the specific information the observer ishoping to discover. 1 1

              Active strategies give an individual more latitude over the kind of informationobtained but they may backfire if the third party lacks information and or alerts the targetperson. 1 1

              Interactive strategies offer the most direct way of acquiring information but they alsofurnish the most face threat. A person could violate social norms appear pushy and or offend thetarget person within conversation. URT does not advance hypotheses about how people select aninformation-seeking strategy but they probably weigh the risks against the likelihood of success 1 1

          • 2. Planning 1 1
            • A second method of managing uncertainty is planning 1 1

              Individualsdevelop a plan or a cognitive representation of goal-directed action to help them communicate inambiguous surroundings. 1 1

              People formulate a plan by relying on the knowledge they possess aboutsimilar situations 1 1

              A plan is most valuable when it contains an optimallevel of complexity: It should be comprehensive enough to help individuals anticipate contingencies 1 1

              it should be simple enough to allow them the freedom to improvise 1 1

              When a plan fails to achieve its objective people typically conservetheir cognitive resources by altering low-level tactics rather than expending mental energy to alterhigher order tactics 1 1

              Individuals communicate most effectively whenthey are able to plan for uncertain circumstances 1 1

          • 3. Hedging 1 5
            • A third strategy for managing uncertainty is to hedge against the negative outcomesthat could occur within conversation 1 5

              several ways of crafting messages tohedge against face threat embarrassment and anxiety under conditions of uncertainty 1 5

              One optionis to frame messages by using humor (e.g. “I’ll bet you’re dying to go out with me on Saturday night.”) 1 5

              or inserting other plausible interpretations so backtracking is possible (e.g. “I’m just kidding.” or“You’re confused—that’s not what I meant.”). 1 5

              Individuals can also rely on ambiguous language tohide the actual purpose of the message (e.g. “What are you up to this weekend?”). 1 5

              People can employdisclaimers to guard against an unfavorable response (e.g. “I don’t want to move too fast but wouldyou like to go out with me on Saturday night?”) 1 5

              Individuals can engage in retroactive discounting totone down a message (e.g. “We could go out for dinner on Saturday night; I don’t know if you’d wantto do that though.”) 1 651

              people can control the floor by assigning the other person to lead theconversation (e.g. “Tell me about your plans for the weekend.”). All of these hedging devices can beeffective for avoiding negative outcomes in ambiguous situations 1 651

          Predictors of Uncertainty 2 4

          • individual differences play a rolein people’s experience of uncertainty 2 4
          • global uncertainty 2 4
          • global uncertainty as people’s tendency to be uncertain about acquaintance in general 2 4
          • (e.g. “Howconfident are you of your general ability to predict how strangers will behave?” 2 4

          Effects of Uncertainty on Communication 3

          Predicted Outcome Value Theory 3 8

          • POV proposes that theirmore primary goal is maximizing rewards and minimizing costs. 3 3

            POV claims that individuals engage in uncertainty reduction only in the serviceof forecasting relational outcomes 3 8

            According to POV individuals gather information to predict whether future interaction with apartner is likely to be rewarding or costly and then they decide whether to pursue or avoid furthercontact 3 8

          three claims about relationshipformation 3 8

          • First individuals should be attracted to a partner when they expect future interaction withhim or her to be advantageous. 3 8

            Second people should be motivated to develop relationships that correspondwith favorable predicted outcome values and they should seek to terminate relationships thatcorrespond with unfavorable predicted outcome values. 3 8

            Third individuals should steer conversationtoward topics that they expect will produce rewards and they should avoid topics that they expectwill incur costs. 3 8

          4 Concepts Of Uncertainty 5 6

          • Relational uncertainty 5 6
            • We define relational uncertaintyas the degree of confidence people have in their perceptions of involvement within interpersonalrelationships 5 6

              Relational uncertainty stems from self partner and relationship sources. 5 6

          • Self uncertainty 5 6
            • Self uncertainty refers to the questions people have about their own participationin a relationship 5 6

              “How certain am I about how much I want to pursue this relationship?” 5 6

          • Partner uncertainty 5 6
            • Partner uncertainty refers to the ambiguity individuals experience about their partner’sparticipation in a relationship 5 6

              “How certain am I about how much my partner wants to pursuethis relationship?” 5 6

          • Relationship uncertainty 5 6
            • Relationship uncertainty encompasses the questions people have about the relationshipas a whole 5 6

              “How certain am I about the definition of this relationship?”). 5 6

          Uncertainty Is Rewarding as Well as Costly 6

          • Both URT and POV suggest that uncertainty is problematic for participants in initial interaction 6

            According to URT uncertainty makes it harder for people to formulate plans anticipate contingencies and make sense of their surroundings 6

            According to POV uncertainty makes it difficult for individuals to anticipate whether future interactions will be advantageousor disadvantageous 6

        Uncertainty Is Strategically Increased and Maintained (as Well as Reduced) 6 1

        A third assumption of both theories is that individuals are motivated to reduce their uncertainty.URT contains this premise as a central tenet 6 6

        POV argues that people seek to reduce uncertainty in order to forecast the rewards and costs ofrelationship formation 6 6

      Chapter 7. Information Seeking in the Initial Stages of Relational Development 2

      • Ad Example: SWF ISO career-minded but not a workaholic male … should also be similar to me but different attractive but not gorgeous clean cut and fashion-conscious but not obsessed with looks goodconversationalist but not phony family man but not mama’s boy independent but interdependent committed but not smothering loving but not possessive sexually experienced but not overly willing kind to others but stands up for himself polite but not sappy expressive but not emotional stable and able to be fragile fragile but able to be strong listener but not silent. 2 9

        Information Seeking in Initial Interactions 3 5

        • Seeking General Information 3 5
          • 1. passive 3 1
          • 2. active 3 1
          • 3. interactive 3 1

          3 specific interactive strategies 3

          • 1. interrogation 3
            • question 3
            • asking 3
          • 2. disclosure 3
            • talking about one’s self in hopes of eliciting reciprocity by the other 3
          • 3. relaxing the target 3
            • creating a conversational atmosphere that encourages disclosure on theother’s part 3

          Question asking is the most efficient but also the most intrusive way of gathering informationand is often considered the least appropriate 4

          individuals often turn to other forms ofinteractive information seeking during initial interactions. As noted above two less efficient butalso less intrusive forms are disclosure and target relaxation efforts 4

          The disclosure strategy—thesecond most common form of information seeking in initial interactions 4

        Seeking Attraction-Related Information 4 3

        • affinity-testing strategies 4 1
        • confronting 4 1
          • “actions that required a partner to provide immediate and generallypublic evidence of his or her liking”) 4 1
        • withdrawing 4
          • “actions that required a partner to sustainthe interaction” 4
        • sustaining 4
          • “actions designed to maintain the interaction without affecting itsapparent intimacy” 4
        • hazing 4
          • “actions that required a partner to provide a commodity or serviceto the actor at some cost to him or herself”) 4
        • diminishing self 4
          • “actions that lowered the value ofself either directly by self-deprecation or indirectly by identifying alternative reward sources for apartner” 4
        • approaching 4
          • “actions that implied increased intimacy to which the only disconfirmingpartner response is compensatory activity 4
        • offering 4
          • “actions that generated conditionsfavorable for approach by a partner” 4
        • networking 4
          • “actions that included third parties either to acquire or [to] transmit information” 4

        Sending Attraction-Related Information 1

        • nonverbal communicationshows that intimacy and liking are conveyed through 1
          • forward body lean 1
          • smiling 1
          • eye contact 1
          • close proximity 1
          • direct body orientation 1
          • frequent gesturing 1
          • Tie signs like hugging 1
          • hand-holding 1
          • “head canting” 1 4
          • “flirtatious glances” 1 4

          Not surprisingly studies have shown that individuals who are sexually interested in a target displaymore nonverbal signals of affection than less interested others 1 4

        The Role of Perceived Romantic Interest 1

        • men are more likely than women to interpret flirtation as being motivated by sexual interest. 1 9

          Indeed a review in this area leaves little doubt that men more than women perceive sexualinterest in its absence 1 9

        Information Seeking In Developing Relationships 1 8

        • Typologies of Information-Seeking Strategies 1 8
        • 7 types of “secret tests”: 1 6
          • 1. directness tests 1 6
            • directness tests whichinvolved direct questioning or disclosure about the relationship; 1 6
          • 2. endurance tests 1 6
            • endurance tests which werecharacterized by behaviors that tested the lengths to which the person would go for the relationship 1 6
          • 3. indirect suggestion 1 6
            • indirect suggestion which included hints or jokes about a relational matter (e.g. making fun ofa friend’s decision to move in with his partner to see how the other reacted to the idea 1 6
          • 4. public presentation 1 6
            • publicpresentation which involved attending to the way that the partner responded to a particular form of introduction (e.g. introducing him as your “boyfriend”); 7
          • 5. third party 7
            • third party which consisted of gatheringinformation from the partner’s friends or family 7
          • 6. separation 7
            • separation which meant not seeing one anotherfor a while as a way to gather information about his or her commitment to the relationship 7
          • 7. triangle tests 7
            • triangle tests which introduced third parties into the mix as possible romantic threats (e.g. flirtingwith someone else to see if one’s partner got jealous or testing the partner’s commitment by havingsomeone else flirt with him or her and testing his or her reaction 7

        TMIM 8 1

        • theory of motivated information management 8 1

          a framework to help understand information-seeking decisions in interpersonalencounters. 8 1

          The theory was developed in response to dissatisfaction with the comprehensivenessof existing uncertainty frameworks. It started by explicitly narrowing its scope to interpersonalencounters and to issues of import to the potential information seeker. It then brought to the areaof uncertainty management two significant components: first a focus on the role of efficacy in theinformation-seeking process and second explicit recognition of the interactive role played by theinformation provider during the exchange 8 1

        three-phase information management process 8

        interpretation phase 8

        • starts with a discrepancy between the amount of actual and desired uncertainty aboutan issue and the resultant anxiety (labeled the “interpretation phase”) 8

        evaluation phase 8

        • an evaluation phasethat includes an assessment about the expected outcome of the information search (i.e. outcomeexpectancies) and an assessment of efficacy 8

          In the evaluation phase individuals first consider the rewards and costs expected from a search for information from a particularsource and then make three efficacy determinations: 8

          (a) whether they are able to communicatewith sufficient skill to gather the information sought (i.e. communication efficacy 8

          (b) whetherthey can cope with the information they expect to receive (i.e. coping efficacy) and 8

          (c) whetherthe source is willing and able to provide the information being sought (i.e. target efficacy) 8

          TMIMargues that individuals are increasingly likely to seek information directly to the extent that the outcomeexpectancy is positive (i.e. they expect a relatively positive outcome of an information search)and the three perceptions of efficacy are high. 8 4

        decision phase 8

        The information management process 1 1

        Seeking Sexually Related Information from Partners 1

      Chapter 8. Self-Disclosure and Starting a Close Relationship 1

      • The self-disclosure transaction provides an important context in which decisions are made inbeginning a relationship with a new acquaintance. 1 9

        People use “self-disclosure” (includingwhat when and how thoughts and feelings are dis or not dis ) as well as reactionsby the disclosure recipient and the initial discloser to collect information about a prospectivepartner and to make forecasts about the possibility for a future relationship. 1 9

        It is also used by newacquaintances to infer how much they like and trust one another and whether they might identifythemselves as friends or as an intimate couple. 1 9

        What Is Self-Disclosure? 1

        • People may loosely define self-disclosure as anything intentional or unintentional that informs usabout what someone is like. 1

          However theory and research on self-disclosure—and this chapter—focus on self-disclosure as a deliberate or voluntary activity whereby people reveal information thoughts and feelings about themselves to at least one other person during an interaction 1

          Although selfdisclosureis usually studied as a verbal activity (e.g. “I think …” or “I feel …”) it may also referto nonverbal messages that are intended to communicate information (e.g. indicating relationshipcommitment by wearing a wedding ring or wearing a tattoo on one’s arm that says “I love Maisie”). 1

          Self-disclosure is a transaction that occurs between two or more persons in the roles of “discloser”and “disclosure recipient” or “listener” at cognitive emotional and behavioral levels. 1 1

          What when and how self-disclosure occurs on one occasion or over time influence and are influenced by the interaction and or the relationship that unfolds between the participants 1 –

          Self-disclosure varies in content. It may focus on facts about one’s self (descriptive disclosuressuch as “I listen to talk radio programs”) 1

          descriptive disclosures 1

          • such as “I listen to talk radio programs”) 1

          evaluative disclosures 1

          • subjective opinions and feelings 1

          personal disclosure 1

          • “I feel good about winning the lottery”) 1

          relational self-disclosure 1

          • “I enjoyed the time I spent with you thisweekend” 1

          personalistic 1

          • Self-disclosure may be perceived as personalistic 1
            • i.e. uniquely intended for a recipient 1

          nonpersonalistic 1

          • (i.e. intended for anyone 1

          responsiveness 1

          • The behavior of thedisclosure recipient and or the discloser may also vary in responsiveness 1

            Judgments about responsiveness based on perceptions about how the disclosurerecipient and the discloser responded during and across disclosure episodes are used to infer intimacyin an interaction and in a relationship 1

        aspects of disclosure or nondisclosure 1 –

        • privacy regulation 1 –
          • privacy regulation (how much control the discloser and the disclosure recipienthave over the process of what is said and heard as well as who owns the information and how“it” will be protected 1 –
        • truthfulness 1 –
          • truthfulness (the extent to which the discloser conveys information that he or she subjectivelyperceives to be about the “true” or “authentic self”) 1 –
        • informativeness 1 –
          • informativeness (how much information is conveyedfrom the discloser’s and the disclosure recipient’s behavior contributing to attributions aboutthe reasons underlying each person’s behavior) 1 –
        • effectiveness 1 –
          • effectiveness (how successful the discloser andthe disclosure recipient are in accomplishing important goals via their behaviors e.g. developing acloser relationship or keeping a social distance from the other person). 1 –

        Self-Disclosure at the Start of a Relationship 1 3

        • Social Penetration Theory 1 3
          • Accordingto this theory at the start of a relationship prospective partners may be limited to fairly stereotypedand superficial behaviors. But as a relationship progresses individuals are predicted to increase therange of activities they share with one another including disclosing more personal information toone another. 1

            Prospective partners also compose a mental picture of one another based on positiveand negative experiences with the current partner and their value in comparison to prior relationshipexperiences. 1

            If this picture is favorable based on a favorable benefit–cost ratio from previous interactionsand based on a favorable forecast for the future then the budding relationship progresses. 1

            Close relationships develop in variable ways. But whatever the specific pattern social penetrationtheory gives a distinctive emphasis to self-disclosing behaviors because a relationship beginsand is maintained by the “the gradual overlapping and exploration of their mutual selves by partiesto a relationship”

            Social penetration theory identified several dimensionsof self-disclosure that are associated with the development of a close relationship: how manydifferent topics are dis (topic breadth) how much information is dis about a particulartopic (breadth frequency) how much time is spent talking about a particular topic (topic time) andhow intimate the level of disclosure is (topic depth).

        • 4 dimensions SPT
          • topic breadth
            • how manydifferent topics are dis
          • breadth frequency
            • how much information is dis about a particulartopic
          • topic time
            • how much time is spent talking about a particular topic
          • topic depth
            • how intimate the level of disclosure is

        Social penetration theory predicts that relationship development is a continuous and usually a gradualprocess. 3

        Self-disclosure in social interactions moves from superficial to more personal levels (i.e. increases in topic depth) and the partners divulge information about a wider range of topics (i.e. increases in topic breadth) as a relationship progresses. 3

        The Clicking Model 3

        • Social penetration theory predicts that relationship development is a continuous and usually a gradualprocess. Self-disclosure in social interactions moves from superficial to more personal levels (i.e. increases in topic depth) and the partners divulge information about a wider range of topics (i.e. increases in topic breadth) as a relationship progresses 3

          proposed a “clicking model” of relationship development suggesting that relatively high levelsof self-disclosure and the development of close relationships may occur quickly rather than graduallyover time. 3

          The clicking model assumes that relationship partners make an assessment rather soonafter meeting someone that the other person fits (or may fit) the prototype for a friend or intimatedating partner. In turn these rapid assessments about the “new relationship” fitting the picture of a“close relationship” lead to an acceleration of intimacy-linked behaviors—including greater breadthand depth of self-disclosure spending lots of time in social activities together accommodation toone another’s needs and identifying each other as a “partner” or “close friend 3

        Managing the Risks (Including Self-Disclosure) in Starting a Relationship 1 4

        • Despite the usefulness of self-disclosure in beginning a relationship people must weigh the benefitsof self-disclosure against its risks including uncertainty about the other’s reaction and concernsabout trusting the other not to divulge sensitive information to unwanted third parties 1 4

        Resp onsiveness in Conversations andPerceptions of Relationship Intimacy 8 3

        • The intimacy process model predicts that emotional disclosures (revealing feelings and opinions)have more impact than descriptive disclosures (revealing facts and information about oneself) inaccelerating perceptions of intimacy in a social interaction. 1 2

          relational responsiveness 8 1

          • The term relational responsiveness refers to partners’ perceptions that each person “demonstratesthat he or she is taking another’s outcomes needs or wishes into consideration” 8 1

          three components responsiveness 8

          • Content 8
            • Content refers to the extent to which the disclosure recipient’s responseaddresses the discloser’s previous communication (e.g. expressing concern about what the speakersaid matching disclosure topics matching intimacy or elaborating on what the initial discloser said). 8
          • Style 8
            • Style refers to showing enthusiasm and interest in what the other person said as opposed to actingdisengaged or uninterested (e.g. involving “immediacy” cues such as direct eye contact head nods standing close to the speaker longer speech responses to the discloser’s input and saying “I see”). 8
          • Timing 8
            • Timing refers to how quickly a response occurs to the discloser’s input (e.g. responding immediatelyor delaying one’s response). 8

          interpersonal process model of intimacy 9

          • intimacy 9
            • intimacy is an emergent feature in a conversation and or close relationship based on one person’s self-disclosure input and the other’s reactions 9

              self-expression 9

              The firstperson (in the role of discloser) reveals or more generally “self-expresses” thoughts and feelings toa second person (in the role of listener). The term self-expression most often refers to voluntary selfdisclosures but it also encompasses any involuntary and or unconscious behaviors that reveal someone’sthoughts and feelings. 9

          Intimacy qualifier 9 6

          • feels understood 9 6
          • validated 9 6
          • cared for 9 6

          Intimacy disqualifier 9 6

          • discloser feels misunderstood 9 6
          • invalidated 9 6
          • nonsupported 9 6

        Gender’s Impact on Self-Disclosure atthe Start of a Relationship 1 1

        • Womengenerally disclose more about themselves than men in various kinds of relationships 1

          But the genderdifference in self-disclosure to a relationship partner is also greater in close relationships (e.g. afriend spouse or parent) than in interactions with a stranger or new acquaintance 1

          they found that men either equaled or exceeded women in self-disclosure 1

          Thesestudies suggest a strategic role for self-disclosure in the first encounter between a man and womanas the partners abide by gender-related expectations about the role of initiator and reactor. 1 2

          Whensomeone has the goal of becoming better acquainted with their opposite-sex partner then the manmay be more likely than the woman to use “his” self-disclosure input to accelerate “getting to knowone another”—to let his partner know more about himself and to find out more about his partner byencouraging disclosure reciprocity 1 2

          men take theinitiator role in an initial meeting with an opposite-sex partner the men selected more intimate topicsthan the women to talk about and they reported exercising more influence on the course of theinteraction. On the other hand the women took on a reactive role. 1 5

          the women weremore likely than the men to reciprocate the level of intimacy of their partner’s disclosure input andthe women took on a (sort of) “consensus role” by going along with the intimacy of topics selectedby the male partner. 1 5

          The women may have been “a shade reluctant” (Davis p. 691) comparedto the men to participate in this acquaintanceship exercise: The women enjoyed the acquaintanceexercise less than the men in these mixed-gender pairs 1 5

        Self-Disclosure and “Jump Starting” aRelationship on the Internet 2 5

        • There are features of the Internet that may increase self-disclosurebetween online compared to face-to-face partners in an initial interaction and accelerate thedevelopment of a close online relationship 3 –

          First the relative anonymity ofmany forms of Internet-based compared to face-to-face communications reduces the risk of rejection. 3 –

          People might disclose fairly intimate information to “strangers on the Internet” based on the expectation that they are unlikely to interact with their online partners ever again. 3 –

          Second Internet venues may lack and or filter out the sorts of “gating features” (e.g. physicalappearance and or social skill deficits such as behavioral shyness and nervousness) that may inhibitself-disclosure between new acquaintances in a face-to-face encounter 3

          Third individuals may select Internet siteswhere they are likely to meet others who share similar interests and or opinions. For instance ifsomeone joins a newsgroup focusing on say climate change he or she knows that other persons whoaccess the site are likely to have common interests. The perception of common interests may in turn increase self-disclosure 3

          If people believe that they are disclosing their “authentic self” on the Internet and that theother person has the qualities of an “ideal” friend then the partners in an online encounter maymove more quickly in developing a relationship 3

          Other research by McKenna et al. ( 2 Study 1) found that the tendency to disclose the “realself” over the Internet and in turn to accelerate the development of personal relationships viaonline versus offline interactions is greater among those who lack the social skills to communicateeffectively in face-to-face interactions 3

          The participants for this research were recruited from Usenetnewsgroups. Individuals who were more compared to less lonely and anxious reported that it waseasier to disclose personal information to someone they knew on the Internet than in “real life. 3

          Inturn if participants found that it was easier to disclose to someone on the Internet than in real life(locating the “real me” online versus offline) then they also reported greater intimacy and greaterspeed of developing intimacy in these online relationships. These online interactions increased toinclude interactions in offline settings 3

          The more participants reportedinteracting with someone online (e.g. via Internet Relay Chat) the more likely they were to engagein offline activities with these acquaintances such as writing postal letters talking on the telephone and eventually meeting the other person. 3

          In a follow-up study McKenna et al. ( 2 Study 2; alsosee Chan & Cheng 4) reported that friendships and romantic relationships started on the Internet were durable over time. After a 2-year period relationships started online remained relativelystable: % of the friendships started on the Internet were intact and % of the romantic partnershipsstarted on the Internet were still intact. 4

          A word of caution is appropriate about the role of self-disclosure in starting a close relationshipover the Internet. As Bargh et al. ( 2) indicated the self-disclosure transaction may begin in relativeanonymity on the Internet; and the “projection bias” associated with the tendency to perceiveidealized qualities in those initially liked on the Internet may intensify an online relationship beforethe “real” qualities of the partner are revealed 4 8

        The Acquaintance Exercise: A Laboratory-BasedProcedure (Incorporating Self-Disclosure)for Developing Temporary Closeness 4 2

        acquaintance exercise 4 3

        • Set I of the closeness condition 4 3
          • “Given the choice of anyone in the world whom would you want as a dinner guest?” 4 3
          • “Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?” 4 3
          • “Take 4 minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.” 4 3
        • Set II 4 3
          • “If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself your life the future or anything else what would you want to know?” 4 3

            “How close and warm is your family? 4 3

            Do youfeel your childhood was happier than most other people’s?” 4 3

        • Set III 4 3
          • “Make 3 true ‘we’ statements each. For instance ‘We are both in this room feeling …’” 4 3

      Chapter 9. On Becoming “More Than Friends” The Transition from Friendship to Romantic Relationship 2

      • Romantic relationships can develop in countless ways. Sometimes people meet feel an instantattraction and quickly develop a committed romantic relationship. Other times romanticrelationships unfold more gradually as two people who are physically attracted to oneanother become increasingly committed over time. 2 2

        transitions to romance 2 4

        • First research has demonstrated that friendship is an important component within orfoundation for many romantic relationships 2 4

          People tend to be especiallysatisfied with their romantic relationships when they consider their partner to be a close friend 2 4

          This suggests that friendships provide a good starting point formany romantic relationships 2 4

          Second as we demonstrate in this chapter the transition from friendshipto romance challenges traditional explanations of relationship development and extends theoriesrelated to uncertainty and expectancies 2 4

        Theoretical Persp ectives on theFriendship-to-Romance Transition 3 2

        Stage Theories of Relationship Development 3 2

        • (a) acquaintanceship to romantic relationship 3 9
          • The Traditional Trajectory: Acquaintanceship to Romantic Relationship The traditionalromantic development trajectory is marked by a gradual increase in intimate self-disclosure emotional closeness and sexual intimacy that is preceded by physical attraction. Such linear trajectoriesare common in stage theories of relational development 3

            four stages 3

            • intimacy—orientation 3
            • exploratory affective exchange 3
            • affective exchange 3
            • stable exchange 3

            five stages relationship 3

            • The initiating stage involves greetings andsuperficial information exchange. 3

              The experimenting stage is similar to the exploratory affectiveexchange stage in social penetration theory; partners engage in small talk to discover commonalities and reduce uncertainty 3 5

              The intensifying stage occurs when partners become emotionally connectedand decide to move their relationship to the next level. Romantic couples often first say “I loveyou ” during this stage. 3 5

              The integrating is marked by a fusion of the individuals so thatthey share a relational identity. When couples reach this stage not only do they see themselves as acouple but other members of their social network also regard them as a pair 4 – 4

              the bonding occurs when couples institutionalize their relationship by making a formal commitment such as marriage. 4 – 4

        • (b) platonic friendship to romantic relationship 4 4
          • three types of attraction 4
            • friendship attraction 4
            • physical-sexual attraction 4
            • romantic attraction 4
        • (c) “friends with benefits” to romantic relationship 5 7
          • FWB 5 7
            • People define themselves as FWB when they have sex with one another onmore than one occasion but do not label their relationship as romantic 5 7

              Anotheralternative to the traditional trajectory is a move from being “friends with benefits” (FWB) to becominga romantic couple 5 7

            FWB relationship is different than a hookup 5 7

            Hookups are sexual encounters (usually one-nightstands) that occur between strangers or mere acquaintances without the expectation of developingany type of relationship 5 7

            FWBrelationships in contrast typically occur between people who hope to maintain a friendship. Recentresearch suggests that the FWB relationship is not uncommon 5 7

            The rules for maintaining this type of friendship ofteninclude staying emotionally detached promising not to get jealous and agreeing not to fall in love 5 7

            in some cases people in FWB relationships cannothelp getting jealous or falling in love. Hughes et al. ( 5) found that although some people wereable to maintain the status quo and stay “friends” despite being lovers others stopped having sex orended their friendship altogether whereas still others ended up becoming a romantic couple despitetheir initial intentions not to. 5 7

            distinction – romantic relationshipsfrom friendships. 5

            • passion 5
            • mutual love 5
            • exclusivity 5

        The Influence of Relationship History 5

        • peoplewho transition from friendship to a romantic relationship differ in terms of the kinds of intimacy theyhave developed. 5 1

          relationship history would play a substantial role in determiningthe relationship trajectory. 5 1

          how well partners knew each otherexerted an important influence on the transition to a romantic relationship 5 1

          Dating 5 1

          • Dating served as a testing ground rather than as a clear marker thatthe relationship had turned romantic. In these cases partners tended to ease into a new relationshipdefinition while at the same time making sure that they did not harm the existing friendship. 5 1

            By using dating as a testing ground friends could try the new relationship “on for size” before fully committing to it. 5 9

          nature of the relationship 5

          • relationship history also influences behavior during thetransition to a romantic relationship. 5

            in terms of first dates first sexual interaction andfirst significant disclosure they argued that the nature of the relationship tends to exert a strongerimpact on women’s behavior when compared with men’s behavior. 5

            women’s sexual responses would be more strongly influenced by relationship statusand history than would be true for men. 5

            Men tend to have much more positive views of casual sexthan do women; however men and women are much more similar in their views of sex in the contextof a close personal relationship 5

            relationship history effects on first-date communication expectations such that closefriends were expected to communicate much more intimately than acquaintances 5

            This relationshiphistory effect however was significantly stronger for women when compared with men. In otherwords just as was true with sexual interaction relationship history played a more important role inwomen’s (when compared with men’s) communicative expectations for first dates 5

        The Influence of the Social Network 4

        • Romantic relationships do not occur in a vacuum 1

          Instead they occur in the context (and many times in the presence) of family friends and coworkers. 1

          A romantic couple does not spend all their time together alone 1

          Instead they spend considerabletime with their social network. 1

          the conceptof “group dating ” or the process of “hanging out” in mixed-sex groups on repeated occasions. 1

          Thesesocial contexts allow people to interact and reduce uncertainty without the anxiety and pressure ofan “on-record” first date. The social network can be useful in facilitating (or inhibiting) interactionbetween potential partners. 1

          When partners discover mutual attraction they can split off from thegroup and develop a dyadic identity while alone. This pattern differs quite a bit from the traditionaltrajectory of romantic relationships wherein couples get to know each other first and then introduceone another to their social networks. 1

          people may be aware that integration into one’s social network is an important part of relationship development. In their studyon cross-sex friendships Guerrero and Chavez found that women tended to report relatively lowlevels of social networking (i.e. hanging out with each other’s friends and family and having commonfriends) when they wanted to keep the friendship platonic but perceived their friend wantedthe relationship to turn romantic 7 – 8

          many cross-sex friends face a public presentationchallenge. In other words cross-sex friends have to cope with how people outside of their relationship including their social network perceive their friendship. Cross-sex friends are sometimesasked to explain the state of their relationship to others who question whether they are really “justfriends.” 7

          women report using less social networking with male friendswho they are rejecting as romantic partners 7

          Women may not want to lead the man on or to send thewrong signal to their social networks. 7

        The Turning Point Approach 7 7

        turning point approach emphasizes that relationships often developin a nonlinear fashion. 7 7

        turning point as “any event or occurrencethat is associated with change in a relationship 7 7

        turning points are often relatedto changes in commitment or relational satisfaction 7 7

        When turning points are mapped out based onpeople’s recollections they often show a pattern of highs and lows rather than a gradual increaseor decrease in intimacy 7 7

        studies suggest that the linear trajectory of gradually increasingor decreasing intimacy only fits about to 5 % of friendships 7 7

        Relationships transitioning from friendship to romance may be particularly unlikely tounfold in a linear fashion for two reasons 7 7

        • First the transition itself may be a period of turbulence 7 7

          second they may experience turning points in the context of both their friendship and theirnewly forming romantic relationship 7 7

        What are the common turning points in romantic relationships andfriendships? 7

        get-to-know time 7

        conflict 7

        disengagement 7

        special occasions 7

        (e.g. taking a trip together and meeting someone’s family) 7

        signs of commitment 7

        • (e.g. droppingrivals moving in together and getting married) 7

        physical separation 7

        reunion 7

        In friendships engaging in special activities together and helping each other in times of crisisare common turning points related to increased closeness 7

        turning points such as physical distance and moving out after beingroommates were common turning points related to decreased closeness in friendships 7

        exclusivity 7

        serious commitment 7

        external competition 7

        • (such asfeeling jealous) 7

        “friends with benefits” 7

        • “friends with benefits” appear to understand the importance of these turning points becausethey often try to stay emotionally detached uncommitted and nonjealous 7

        turning points 7

        • when people feel jealousthey might realize they have romantic feelings for their friend 7 1
        • These turning points may also mark the transition to romance 7 1

        romantic relationship transition 8 –

        • the romantic relationship transition(RRT) as a macrolevel turning point that captures “that point or period in time when a relationshipchanges from being either platonic or nonexistent to being romantic” 8 –

          All romanticrelationships contain at least one RRT whether they evolved from friendships acquaintanceships or “friends with benefits ” or occurred when the couple “fell in love at first sight” 8 –

        Uncertainty Reduction Theory 8 1

        Discovering a friend’s romantic and or sexual interest may also constitute an important turningpoint. Sometimes such a discovery helps reduce uncertainty about the nature of the relationshiptwo people share. Paradoxically however such a discovery can also increase uncertainty about one’sown feelings and or the direction the relationships might take 8 3

        Uncertainty reduction theory helpsexplain the process of seeking information to be able to better understand other people and our relationshipswith them 8 3

        The theory was originally advanced to explain how people seek information toreduce uncertainty during initial encounters 8 3

        According to the theory people are uncomfortable when they perceive that they cannot predict and explain the behavior ofothers. Therefore in initial interactions people seek information to reduce this uncertainty 8 3

        6. Common events leadingto uncertainty 8

        • 1. competing relationships 8
          • (e.g. a friend suddenly starts dating someone) 8
        • 2. unexplained loss of contact or closeness 8
          • (e.g. a friend stops calling for no particular reason) 8
        • 3. sexualbehavior 8
          • (e.g. a friend reveals something surprising about her or his sexual history) 8
        • 4. deception 8
          • (e.g. a friend is caught lying or concealing important information) 8
        • 5. change in personality or values 8
          • (e.g. a friend starts acting more flirtatious than usual) 8
        • 6. betraying confidence 8
          • (e.g. a friend sharesprivate information with a third party). 8

        4 types of relational uncertainty 1 1

        • 1. Behavioral norms uncertainty 1 1
          • Behavioral norms uncertainty refers to uncertainty aboutwhat constitutes acceptable versus unacceptable behavior in a relationship 1
        • 2. Mutuality uncertainty 1
          • Mutuality uncertaintycomprises uncertainty about whether or not one’s feelings are reciprocated 1
        • 3. Definitional uncertainty 1
          • Definitional uncertaintyoccurs when people experience uncertainty about the nature or state of the relationship 1
        • 4. future uncertainty 1
          • future uncertainty taps into uncertainty about commitment and the direction the relationship willtake in the future. 1

        tensions challenge 8

        • emotional bond challenge 8
          • the emotional bond challengerefers to the tension cross-sex friends sometimes feel regarding the potential romantic nature oftheir relationship 8

            Because men and women are socialized to see one another as potential romanticpartners rather than friends cross-sex friends may be confused by their feelings of intimacy andcloseness. Thought of in a different way people may feel uncertainty over where the line betweenfriendship- and passion-based intimacy is drawn in cross-sex friendships 8

        • sexual challenge 8
          • the sexual challenge involves coping with the potential sexual attraction that can occurin cross-sex friendships among heterosexuals 8

            Sexual activity can lead to uncertainty about the stateof the relationship at the present time as well as in the future 31

        Expectancy Violations Theory 5

        • People usually have general expectancies of how friends and romantic partners will and shouldact. These expectations can change dramatically throughout the course of a relationship as wouldlikely be the case if friends transitioned into a romantic relationship 5

          Part of the turbulence inherentin romantic relationship transitions comes from changing expectancies 5

          Given the differences in expectancies between relationship types and given the centralityof expectancy change to relationship turbulence Burgoon and Hale’s ( ) expectancy violationtheory (EVT) can help explain the process of transition from friendship to a romantic relationship. 5

          3 Sources EVT expectancies 5

          • what we know about the other person 5
            • (i.e. communicator characteristics) 5
          • what we know about the situation 5
            • (i.e. context characteristics) 5
          • what we know about the relationship 5
            • (i.e. relational characteristics). 5

        different setsof expectations 5

        • The different setsof expectations may set up a conundrum for cross-sex friends who are uncertain about the natureof their relationship. 5

          who should drive? 5

          Should they each pay for their own ticket andrefreshments or should one friend offer to pay for the other? 5

          Is a kiss goodnight acceptable or would such behavior be inappropriate? 1 – 9

        reward value 1 1

        • Reward value is associated with characteristics such as physicalattractiveness social attractiveness and status 1 1

        rewardingness 1 1

        • Someone who ishighly rewarding can violate expectancies without as much penalty as someone who is unrewarding. 1 1

          highly rewarding communicators are usually perceived more positively after violatingbehavioral expectations 1 1

          For example people are much more likely to respondpositively to a display of affection by a rewarding than nonrewarding person. Furthermore when arewarding person engages in a negative behavior such as acting unusually crabby and surly peopleare likely to compensate by asking the rewarding person “What’s wrong? Is there anything I can dofor you?” rather than reciprocating the negative behavior as they would for a less rewarding person. 1 1

          people in romantic relationships were likelyto verbally compensate for a partner’s negative behavior even if they ended up reciprocating negativeaffect nonverbally 1 1

        common expectancy violations 1

        • relationship escalation 1
          • relationship escalation includes behaviors thatintensify commitment such as saying “I love you ” or giving an especially personal gift 1
        • Acts of devotion 1
          • Acts of devotioninclude behaviors that show that someone is important and special such as helping someoneduring a crisis or doing a favor for someone. 1
        • Uncharacteristic relational behavior 1
          • Uncharacteristic relational behavior refers to actionsthat are inconsistent with how a person defines the relationship such as wanting to have sex with aOn Becoming “More Than Friends” 5friend or asking a friend out on a formal date 2
        • gestures of inclusion 2
          • gestures of inclusion refer to behaviors thatshow a person’s desire to include someone in her or his social network by actions such as asking theperson to meet one’s parents or spend the holidays together 2
        • female date initiation 2
          • Men also have higher sexual expectations when the woman initiates the date 2

            When actual male- and female-initiated first dates arecompared however there is evidence of less intimacy both in terms of communication and sexual activity on female-initiated first dates when compared with male-initiated ones 2

        • 5 first-date goals 2 3
          • 1. having fun 2 3
          • 2. reducing uncertainty about thepartner 2 3
          • 3. investigating romantic potential 2 3
          • 4. developing a friendship 2 3
          • 5. engaging in sexual activity 2 3

        Communication in Cross -Sex FriendshipsWith Romantic Potential 3

        • 3 communication issues 3 8
          • 1. Topic Avoidance 3 5
            • Whereas theories such as social penetration theory (Altman & Taylor 73) emphasize the role thatself-disclosure plays in the process of developing and intensifying relationships other scholars haveexamined topic avoidance in regard to relationship development 3

              Topic avoidance occurs when aperson deliberately decides to avoid disclosing information on a particular subject 3

              relationship issues 3

              • (e.g. talkingabout the “state” of the relationship or sharing feelings for one another) 3

              negative experiences andfailures 3

              • (e.g. rejection embarrassing situations or being abused) 3

              romantic relationship experiences 3

              • (e.g. past dating or marital partners 3 2

              sexual experiences 3 2

              • (e.g. sexual preferences or sexual history) 3 2

              outside friendships 3 2

              • (e.g. feelings for other friends or activities engaged in with other friends). 3 2

              Uncertainty 3 4

              • Uncertainty is also associated with topic avoidance in cross-sex friendships 3 4

              theory of motivated information management 4 1

              • people’s strategies for reducing uncertainty are based on twojudgments: 4 231
                • 1. how positive or negative they expect the information they receive will be 4 231
                • 2. how effectivethey expect to be in gathering and coping with the information 4 231

              this theory helps explainwhy cross-sex friends would be most likely to avoid relationship talk when they fear their romanticadvances will be rejected. In cases where cross-sex friends believe that their partner reciprocatestheir romantic interest direct strategies for reducing uncertainty such as disclosing one’s feelingsor questioning the partner may be much less threatening. 4 231

              Moreover cross-sex friends may be mostlikely to discuss the state of the relationship when they believe they can cope with rejection and theirfriendship can survive the turbulence that could accompany such a disclosure 4 1

          • 2. Secret Tests 4 1
            • In cases where cross-sex friends fear rejection and or worry about negative consequences of disclosingtheir feelings they may decide to use secret tests to reduce their uncertainty about the nature ofthe friendship 4 4

              Secret tests are indirect strategies that help people determine their partner’s feelingswithout directly asking them for information 4 4

              Such strategies if undetected allow people to save face if the information they receive isnot what they wanted or expected 4

              6 types of secret tests –

              • 1. third-party tests –
                • (e.g. asking amutual friend to find out if your cross-sex friend is romantically interested in you) –
              • 2. triangle tests –
                • (e.g. taking a break from each other to see if your friend misses you) –
              • 3. endurance tests
                • (e.g. decreasingrewards to see if your friend will still stick by you)
              • 4. separation tests
                • (e.g. taking a break from each other to see if your friend misses you)
              • 5. public presentation tests –
                • (e.g. joking or hinting about becoming a “couple” to see how your friend reacts). –
              • 6. indirect suggestion tests
                • (e.g. joking or hinting about becoming a “couple” to see how your friend reacts).

              people in friendshipswith romantic potential were in general more likely to report using secret tests than peoplein platonic friendships or romantic relationships 1

              people in friendships with romanticpotential were more likely to report using indirect suggestion tests and separation tests than werepeople in the other two relationships. 1

              people feel more comfortable using indirect ratherthan direct strategies for acquiring information when the relationship is in transition from friendshipto romance.

              As relationships develop past this transition point research suggests that partners willuse less secret tests in general and more direct communication to reduce uncertainty

          • 3. Relational Maintenance Behavior 5
            • So far we have discussed the difficulty that cross-sex friends sometimes have in talking about thestate of their relationship and using direct communication to reduce uncertainty especially whenromantic feelings surface for one of the partners. Obviously however some cross-sex friends talkabout their feelings and eventually make the transition to a romantic relationship. One way to accomplishsuch a transition is through the use of relational maintenance behavior 5

              relational maintenance “need notimply that a relationship is static and unchanging” 6

              relationships are dynamic entities 6

              Adapting to the changing needs and goals that characterize a relationship is a critical ingredient inmaintaining satisfying relationships 6

              Friendships that are transitioningfrom a friendship to a romantic relationship exemplify how change can be integral to maintaining relationships 6 – 2

              4 types of cross-sex friendships 6 –

              • 1. strictly platonic 6 –
                • Participantsin the strictly platonic situation perceived that neither they nor their partner wanted thefriendship to turn romanti 6

                  The finding for flirting parallels that of Messman etal. ( ) who found that cross-sex friends in platonic relationships avoid flirtation as a way of keepingthe friendship from turning romantic 6

              • 2. mutual romance 6 –
                • mutual romance situation perceived that both they andtheir partner wanted the friendship to evolve into a romantic relationship 6

                  Their results demonstrated that cross-sex friends were especially likely to report using prosocialmaintenance behaviors if they perceived themselves to be in the mutual romance situation 6

                  those in the mutual romance situation reported relatively high levels of routine contact andactivity (e.g. calling or visiting each other and doing things together) emotional support and positivity(e.g. providing comfort and acting optimistic and cheerful) relationship talk (e.g. talking aboutthe state of their friendship and the feelings they have for one another) instrumental support (e.g. sharing tasks and giving advice) and flirtation. 6

                  findings also highlight how important mutuality is for a successfulromantic relationship transition 6 2

                  5 Signs of Mutual Romance 6

                  • 1. Relatively high levels of routine contact andactivity 6
                    • (e.g. calling or visiting each other and doing things together) 6
                  • 2. emotional support and positivity 6
                    • (e.g. providing comfort and acting optimistic and cheerful) 6
                  • 3. relationship talk 6
                    • (e.g. talking aboutthe state of their friendship and the feelings they have for one another) 6
                  • 4. instrumental support 6
                    • (e.g. sharing tasks and giving advice) 6
                  • 5. flirtation 6
              • 3. desires romance 6 –
                • People in the desiresromance situation reported that they wanted a romantic relationship but thought that their frienddid not. 6
              • 4. rejects romance 6 –
                • those in the rejects romance situation reported that they did not want thefriendship to turn romantic but thought their friend did. 6

              how cross-sex friends in the rejectorversus would-be lover positions communicate 7

              • They found that women in the desires romance positiontended to report using relatively high levels of antisocial behavior such as arguing complaining and expressing frustration 7

                Women in the desires romance position likely experience negative affectwhen their cross-sex friend rejects their romantic overtures leading them to report more antisocialbehavior. 7

                men did not report higher than usual levels of antisocial behavior when theywere in the would-be lover position 7

                One explanation for this sex difference is that women are lessaccustomed than men to having their romantic advances rejected (Motley & Reeder 1 5) whichcauses them to experience more negative affect 7

  • Section III: Diverse Context of Relationship Initiation
    • Chapter 10. The Social and Physical Environment of Relationship Initiation: An Interdependence Analysis 2
      • There are a myriad of factors that might influence the onset of a romantic relationship. Variousfactors may influence whether two people are more or less likely to meet (e.g. whether theyhave overlapping social circles) likely to interact (e.g. whether they tend to visit similar establishments) and likely to continue on a course toward a relationship (e.g. whether they enjoy doingthe same things). 2

        Overview of Social and Physical Environments 2 4

        • social environment 2 4
          • We have previously used the term social environment to refer to the network of important individualswith whom couple members feel close bonds 2 4

            social environments as comprising the interrelations linkingcouples to their respective networks of kin relations and friends 2 4

            social environmentto include all persons who potentially affect relationship processes even persons who are mere acquaintances but nonetheless exert an influence. This can include among others family members friends past partners religious groups and work groups 2 –

            A substantial body of researchdocuments the ways in which social environments exert direct and indirect influences on couples’behaviors 2

            Indeed being embedded in social networks can create opportunities to meet others andinitiate relationships described “social proximity effects” on relationship initiation namely that two people are more likely to initiate a relationship with each other if they are embedded in social networks that have linkages (i.e. chances of meeting increase as the number of social “links” separating any two people decreases). 2

        • physical environment 2
          • We define the physical environment in relationship settings as the physical properties of a situationthat affect interpersonal behavior 2 7

            people organize their environmentbased on their immediate activities and that their environment may influence activities 2 7

            people seek relationships in particular physical environments and that some environmentsallow for relationship initiation more than others 2 7

            For example those interested in meetingothers are more likely to go to an informal restaurant with a bar area than a formal restaurant circularchair arrangements for group meetings are more conducive to interacting with others than linearrangements in which everyone faces the front of a room and a lecture to the same group of studentsmay differ if it is to be delivered in a pizza parlor versus a classroom. 2 7

        Expectations and the Onset of Relationships 2 7

        • Expectations about Anticipated Interactions 2 7

          In many anticipated interactions people have expectations or hunches about aspects of interactions—for example expectations about what each person will say or do how rewarding the interactionwill be or whether there will be future interactions 2 7

          Visits with friends the home environment the workplace and other settings in which people spend significant amounts of time typically aresaturated with opportunities to interact with others in predictable ways so much so that people oftengive little thought to their expectations about the interaction (e.g. automatically greeting someone atwork by saying “Hey how’s it going?” and anticipating a reply such as “Fine and you?” rather thana genuine analysis of how it really is going). 2 7

          Interdependencetheory 2 –

          • Interdependencetheory describes expectations in terms of a comparison level or CL 2 –

          comparison level or CL 2 –

          • is the standard against which individuals evaluate the “goodness versus badness” of specific interactionoutcomes. 2 –

            Outcomes that exceed one’s CL are experienced as positive and satisfying andoutcomes that are below one’s CL are experienced as negative and dissatisfying. 2 –

            Research has shown that people are happier with their close partners to the extentthat the partner matches or exceeds their internal standards 2 –

            An individual’s CL is shaped by his or her own prior and current experiences by observinginteractions and relationships of comparable friends and kin and by noting norms for relationshipsthat are conveyed in popular media and other sources of information 2

        Expectations about Interactions Not Experienced 2

        • In addition to expectations about a current interaction interdependence theory describes expectationsregarding alternative interactions in terms of a comparison level for alternatives or CLalt 2

        Physical and Social Influences on Expectations 2 6

        • Characteristics of the physical environment influence generalized expectations for the type of interactionthat might occur 2 6

          Physical settings are saturated with expectations that have been learned asa result of being raised in a particular culture (Valsiner ); for example people anticipate somberinteractions rather than joyous ones in funeral homes (even when a funeral is not taking place) livelyinteractions at a wedding reception low-key interactions in a library and respectful interactions ina doctor’s office 2 6

          Physical settings can influence a person’s generalized expectations in ongoing relationships as isthe case in long-distance relationships (i.e. those in which couple members see each other less than they would otherwise because they are separated by a large physical distance). The general shared expectation about long-distance relationships is that they are doomed to failure 2 6

          • % of individuals in a long-distance relationship believed that the average long-distance relationshipwould end within a year 2 –

          Why continue in a relationship that is expected to fail? 2 –

          Trust 2

          • Trust which is an expectation about whether a partner will be caring responsive and faithful is a key factor in any relationship but it is particularly important in long-distance relationships. Some individuals may be less likely to venture into a long-distance relationship because they are insecure and unable to trust others or because they had negative past experiences in similar situations making the prospect of a long-distance relationship much less likely 2

        Interaction: The Role of Situations and Personal Motives 2 8

        “Interaction is a function of the Situation Person A and Person B” 2 8

        • The Given Situation 2 8
        • “geo-behavioralenvironment” 2 865
        • The environment 2 –
          • The environment refers to the physical setting (i.e. the immediatespace within which an interaction takes place the objects within immediate reach that may beof use to the interaction partners and primes or objects that bring to mind specific ideas such asposters music bookshelves guns and other symbols) as well as the social setting (e.g. the type ofsocial event knowledge of the typical social behaviors for that social event and the actual or impliedpresence of known or unknown others). 2 –
        • genericqualities 2 –
          • The second component of the given situation concerns what one can refer to as the genericqualities of interaction partners: their generalized characteristics at the time of interaction (i.e. their current mental and physical states broadly speaking) how most people of a particular socialgroup would approach the given interaction in light of their physical abilities (e.g. being able to movearound freely and being capable of given physical tasks) and generally shared assumptions that havebeen acquired through basic learning processes (e.g. carrying more things is more onerous thancarrying fewer things being around happy people is more pleasant than being around sad people and a $ bill is better to have than a $1 bill). 2 –
        • Interdependence theory 2 31
          • Interdependence theory provides a sophisticatedset of ideas for analyzing given situations which we only briefly mention here (see Kelley etal. 3 or Rusbult and Van Lange 3 for a more detailed description). It suggests that thereare a few key characteristics or properties that are most relevant for understanding and predictingthe interactions that are likely to take place in a given situation 2 31

        The Given Situation as Defined by Social Network Members and Physical Features 2 6

        placemaking 4

        • the term placemaking to captureways that a couple’s home communicates to others something about the couple. For example couplemembers may display photographs of them together rather than photographs of them apart to conveythey are a unit. In addition to communicating to others home objects may remind the couplemembers themselves of a special occasion or moment in their lives together (Arriaga et al. 4).These objects may have no meaning to others but they hold special meaning for the couple and actas behavioral cues. Even a token gift at the early stages of a relationship can take on special meaningif the partners anticipate a committed long-lasting relationship 4

        relationship dispositions 4

        • By relationship dispositions we are referring to thosestable tendencies that develop over the course of interaction that are dyadic in nature suchas trust and commitment 4

        Interaction and Inferring Partner Motives 6

      Chapter 11 . Speed-Dating: A Powerful and Flexible Paradigm for Studying Romantic Relationship Initiation 4 8

      • “bogus stranger” 4

        Not All Reciprocity Is Created Equal 3

        • Reciprocal liking or the tendency for individuals to like those who like them has long been consideredone of the great principles of attraction 3

          reciprocity of liking is even found among strangers who are meeting for thefirst time 3

          However the volume of research examining reciprocity specificallywithin a romantic setting is somewhat meager 3

        Predicting “Breakoff” from Perceived Regard andPartner-Specific Attachment Anxiety 3 7

        Close relationships researchers have revealed numerous predictors of relationship maintenance andwell-being 3 7

        perceived regard 3 7

        • One important predictor is perceived regard or the belief that one’s romantic partnervalues accepts and feels positively toward the self 3 7

          For example individuals who do not feel positively regarded by their partners are more likelyto feel threatened by their partner’s negative behavior and devalue their relationship as a result 3 7

          Although perceived regard has been almost exclusivelySpeed-Dating 7examined within ongoing romantic relationships this construct is likely to encourage the developmentof fledgling relationships as well. 2 – 9

          In other words participants should be more likely to pursue aromantic relationship with a potential partner if they believe that partner also regards them highly a prediction that is reminiscent of a simple reciprocity hypothesis 2 – 9

        romantic passion 2 – 9

        • hope 2
          • (e.g. beliefs that the love interestdesires the self) 2
        • uncertainty 2
          • (e.g. doubt that the love interest desires the self). 2

        partnerspecificattachment anxiety 2

        • “I worry that [name] doesn’t care about me as much as I careabout him her” 2

      Chapter 12. MySpace or Your Place: Relationshikp Initiation and Development in the Wired and Wireless World 3

      • three different kindsof relationships that occur online
        • naturally forming
        • targeted
        • networked relationships

        Social mores dictate that conversational topics generally begin at the superficial level when wemeet others in person and then gradually become more intimate should we choose to pursue therelationship further

        By following online group discussions or by reading through someone’s personal blog prior to interacting a reader can initiate a discussion with a new online acquaintance already armed with a greatdeal of knowledge about that person’s opinions values background and behavior 5

        5 Influential Factors for OnlineRelationship Facilitation

        • 1. Absence of Gating Features
          • Physical appearance and mannerisms play an essential role in impression formation

            Together theycreate the primary initial “gate” that determines whom we will approach when in a crowded roomof strangers whom we will befriend and with whom we will develop romantic relationships

            Without being aware that we are doing so we habitually and automaticallyuse physically available features to immediately categorize others (e.g. by their ethnicity attractiveness or age

            For example research on impressions at thezero-acquaintance level (that is having only been shown a photograph of a stranger’s face with noadditional information provided) has shown that there is extremely high consensus about the judgmentspeople tend to make about a given person across a wide variety of personality measurements based only on physical appearance

            In otherwords based solely on our facial features others may tend to assume that we are smart kind witty honest and outgoing—or they may form less flattering impressions—before we have ever exchangeda single word and before they have had a chance to learn a single thing about us beyond the physicalcharacteristics our parents bestowed upon us.

            Research has shown that first impressions tend to be lasting impressions. That is it is rather difficultto get past our first impressions (e.g. Fiske & Taylor 1 1) because people tend to selectivelyfocus on information that confirms rather than disconfirms their initial judgment when they interactwith these same people again

            Gating Roles 5

            • physical appearance 5
              • attractiveness 5
            • an apparent stigma 5
              • (e.g. obesity) 5
            • apparent shyness or social anxiety 5
        • 2. Identifiability
          • Anonymous communication on the Internet is one difference between online and offline interactionthat has been made much of in the past. In our face-to-face lives we frequently and often repeatedly interact with others (e.g. the man who runs the nearby gas station or the woman who maintainsa similar workout schedule at the gym) to whom we do not reveal personal information. However despite the relative anonymity we have with these people they may still be able to easily recognizeus in a different setting 325

            “strangers on a train” 325

            the “strangers on a train” phenomenon.That is we may share deeply intimate details of our lives details our partners parents and closestfriends may not know with the perfect stranger in the seat next to us 325

            We generally feel safe makingsuch disclosures to complete strangers whom we expect to never see again because of the very factthat we do not think we will ever see them again—they do not know us or our social contacts and sowe are assured that our disclosures remain “safe” and do not reach the ears of the family and friendswith whom we may not have shared these details 325

            even when people interact openly (i.e. using their true names and providing pictures andinformation about their profession) on the Internet they often still feel relatively anonymous or rather nonidentifiable 2 8

            One “anonymous” blogger expressedit this way: “I’ve got my picture up and blog under my first name. I’m sure I’ve left enough clues thatsomeone could find me if they really wanted to but I never think about it when I’m posting 2 8

            “strangers on the Internet” 2

            • Due to this sense of anonymity online users often engage in a “strangers on the Internet” phenomenon.Unlike disclosures made to strangers on a train they disclose personal intimate information toothers whom they may well encounter online again. These disclosures can thus form the groundworkfor a continuing and close relationship. As has been noted elsewhere the ability to interact anonymouslyalso allows people to join groups and explore aspects of self on the Internet that they mightotherwise keep hidden in their existing relationships and to form relationships with others who sharethis aspect of identity or interest 2
        • 3. Control 2
          • Online interactions also allow individuals to control their side of interactions in a way that is not possiblein face-to-face or telephone communication. In spoken interactions one is expected to respondimmediately and “off the cuff.” 2 3

            an immediate response is not always expected in onlinecommunication 2 3

            People realize that typing a reply can take time and that people tend to multitaskwhile chatting online (and often to engage in multiple chat conversations simultaneously) and thustheir attention may be momentarily devoted to something else on the computer screen. 2 3

            Pauses thatmay seem unnaturally long in speech or that may be filled with many statements like uhhhh andwell you know as the person searches for the right response can go unnoticed in an online instantmessage. 2 3

            those verbal indicators (e.g. uhmmmm) that may suggest that the individual isnervous or unsure how to respond also go unnoticed online when after a brief delay a polishedtext response pops into your chat box. 2 3

            Instantaneous replies to e-mails are not expected becausewe know that it often takes time for people to check their e-mail and write a response. The opportunityto delay response provides individuals with the chance to edit their message before sendingit. It gives them more time to think about and formulate what they are going to say. This removesthe pressure to respond instantaneously and allows for a more thoughtful response if the sender sochooses 2 4

        • 4.Discovering Similar Others 2
          • Another relationship-facilitative aspect of the Internet is the ease with which people can discover andconnect with similar others 2 7

            Online people can participate in interest groups at times that are most convenient forthem. There is no need for the other members to necessarily be online at the same time 2 – 3

        • 5. Knowing the Other before “Knowing the Other” 2
          • A final unique aspect has emerged in recent years and it is being put to use by many ranging frompotential employers to those unseen strangers who follow the daily musings of a blogger. This aspectis of course the ability to obtain a great deal of information about another person prior to initiatingan interaction with him or her. This is especially the case when it comes to those who maintainpersonal blogs but it is also true of those who take part in online dating sites and online discussionforums as well as those who leave a “Google-able” trail online. 2 3

        Relationship Formation 2 5

        • 1. Naturallyforming relationships 2 – 7
          • naturallyforming relationships—relationships that develop out of the interaction as opposed to those inwhich the interaction is specifically for the purpose of potential relationship formation 2 – 7

            The extent to which individuals feel better able to express their true or inner self online than intraditional interaction settings has been shown to be an important factor in whether or not closerelationships will form online between participants in electronic groups 2

            important ingredients 2 3

            • One of the important ingredients for the formation of close relationships over the Internet is thetendency to engage in greater self-disclosure there 2 3

              Anonymity shared interests and interacting in the physical absence of one’s communication partnercan produce this heightened tendency to disclose 2 3

              The fact that people tend to more readily engagein acts of self-disclosure on the Internet has been well documented 2 3

              self-disclosureis important to the development of intimacy as it entails being able to express and having acceptedone’s true personality and inner feelings 2 2

              Situation-appropriate self-disclosure fosters feelings of likingbetween people: We tend to like those to whom we self-disclose to like those who disclose tous and to disclose more to those we like ( 2 2

              Early mutual self-disclosureshould lead to greater liking for the other (see Aron Melinat Aron Vallone & Bator 1 7) and inturn to the relationship developing more quickly 2 2

            greater intimacy 2

            • greater intimacy develops over time among online partners thanthose who meet and interact in person. 2

            new acquaintances 2 9

            • new acquaintances can achieve greaterintimacy through online communication than they do in parallel face-to-face interactions particularlywhen the interactions take place over time. 2 9

              Those who interacted over an extended period of time online developedgreater affection and closeness for their partners than did those who interacted over a shorter periodof time (online or face-to-face) and those who interacted in long-term face-to-face interactions 2 9

              Once intimacy has been established and the online relationship becomes an integral part ofa person’s life he or she is generally reluctant to leave the relationship solely in the virtual realm 2 9

              People tend to be motivated to make their important online relationships into a social reality 2 9

          2. targeted relationships 2 – 7

          • will be discussed here mainly in terms of the interactionsand relationships that take place in online dating sites 2 – 7

            The findings discussed above however do not appear to apply when it comes to interactions betweenparticipants in online dating sites 2 5

            There are important differencesbetween interactions that take place in forums where participants meet to discuss common interestsand those that take place in online dating sites 2 5

            users of dating sites routinely selectpotential interaction partners to contact based on the pictures in their profiles: If the picture passesmuster they then look at the other attributes listed in the profile 2 5

            physical attractiveness is the first and most important factorin their selection of potential partners. In other words we use the same criteria as when we selectpotential partners and friends in our traditional interactions 2 5

            As noted previously dating site participantswill thus form a priori assumptions about the person based on his or her evident physicalcharacteristics and will tend to filter any further information they receive through these 2 5

            Sequential Gating 2 5

            • physical appearance “gate ” 2 5

              income 2 5

              occupation 2 5

              hobbies 2 5

              previous marital status 2 5

              If all of these factors seem to bedesirable the participant will send an introductory e-mail and wait to see if he or she in turn passesthe other person’s criteria and is contacted in return 2 5

            users in the online dating sites are extremely conscious of the self that they are presentingthrough their profile and are very strategic about that self-presentation 2

            they arehighly aware of the fact that others that is their potential dating partners are also engaging instrategic self-presentation 2

            Daily Lies Statistics 2 4

            • the average person over the course of an average day will tell 1 to 2 lies including liesin the workplace or at home between family and friends 2
              • %-people lied most frequently to others via the telephone 2 4

              27% -deceptions in face-to-face situations 2 4

              21%-online environment 2 4

              • %-e-mail exchanges 2

          networkedrelationships 2 – 7

          • those connections made through a friend of a friend for instance 2 – 7

          It is old news now that relationships can and do form over the Internet and that these relationshipscan become intimate and close potentially leading to lasting friendship or marriage 2 5

          It is not for nothing that millions of people have turned to onlinedating. However there are important differences in the ways in which relationships are initiated andunfold in different kinds of online venues. Different processes are at work when relationships developin common interest groups than when they develop between participants in online dating sites although they may lead to a similar result: The perfect match is found or a good friend is made. 2 5

          motivation for participation 2 5

          • dating sites 2 5
            • the primary motivation is straightforwardly to find a mate or sexualpartner 2 5
          • common interest groups 2 5
            • in common interest groups the motivation is generally to discuss and share with othersthe interest in question 2 5

          stranger with a recommendation attached 2

          • As in the face-to-face world such connections tend to be perceived and coded somewhat differentlythan meetings with rank strangers. Although the new person in question is indeed a stranger he or she is a stranger with a recommendation attached. This recommendation may be positive ornegative. There may be a sense of ready acceptance because of the shared connection with the friendor relative if one values the friend or relative and has found in the past that other friends of theirs are“my kind of people.” Equally there may be a healthy skepticism about the new prospect if one doesnot hold the mutual relationship in high regard or has found through experience that his or her tastein friends does not always dovetail with one’s own 2

          In dating sites 1

          • In dating sites physical attractivenessis what drives the contact with opinions values and interests coming in much lower on the scale 1

            the opinions values and interests of those who fail the physical appearance test arenever explored at all. In this respect dating sites are not at all dissimilar to traditional face-to-facemeeting places for singles such as bars parties and cafés 2

          reticent 2

          • Interactionsthat take place in common interest groups often are initiated and early disclosures made with participantsnever intending to meet one another in person. It is on the very basis of the closeness thatdoes develop through such mutual self-disclosure that many of these participants do eventually gettogether in person. Conversely contacts are made through dating sites with the very intent of meetingthe other in person from the outset. Under these conditions participants may be more reticentabout making intimate disclosures. More reticent still may be those who use the social-networkingsites—disclosures made to the people met in this fashion may well end up being disclosures theyin turn make to the mutual friend who connects them. In other words there may be fear that thedyadic boundary not only can but also will be broken thus hindering one’s willingness to discloseinformation that is not already known to those in one’s social circle 2

      Chapter 13. TheBusinessofLove.com: Relationship Initiation at Internet Matchmaking Services 2

      • bogus stranger experimental study 2
        • people indicated how attracted they were to a stranger (a “bogus”person unbeknownst to them) after receiving information about him or her 2
      • Questions? 7 5
        • What scientific principles are being used to match people at the major relationship websites? 7 5

          How does relationship initiation through online datingwebsites differ from relationship initiation that occurs through more traditional ways of meeting such as introductions from friends? 7 5

          Is it possible that commercial websites could help the scientificcommunity of relationship scholars advance scientific knowledge about relationship initiation anddevelopment? 7 5

      • Attitudes About Relationship Initiationat Internet Matching Services 8
  • Section IV: Attraction and Other Emotions in Relationship Initiation
    • Chapter 14 . Attraction and the Initiation of Relationships: A Review of the Empirical Literature 6
      • Extended Nonverbal Cues to Attraction 2
      • Constructivism: Processes in Perceivers Making Others Attractive 3
      • constructivism 3
        • itemphasized the active generating process from within the perceiver that influences attraction toother persons 3

      Chapter 15. Insider Perspectives on Attraction

      • Attraction 2
        • Attraction is the essential motive underlying many attempts at relationship initiation. Peoplebecome attracted to another often based on minimal visible information and then wantto initiate a relationship. 2

          Attraction can then escalate if the early interactions involved inrelationship initiation are rewarding 2

          Attraction is most often conceptualizedas an attitude toward another consisting of feelings cognitions and behaviors (Berscheid 85) and may be experienced in an intense form (romantic sexual attraction) or a mild form(friendship attraction or liking). 2

          Attraction to a partner continues at more committed stages although often itis then referred to as love; see the Aron et al. chapter in this volume on the topic of falling in love 8

        Determinants of Attraction 46

        four causal factors 3

        P (person) 3

        • P factors consist of qualities of the person who potentially experiences attraction for the other 3

          For example readiness to enter a relationship strong affiliation needs and social deficiencies (e.g. shyness) may affect the process of becoming attracted to another 3

        O (other) 3

        • Ofactors frequently examined in attraction research are qualities of the other 3

          Some O characteristicsare stable internal characteristics of the other (personality characteristics attitudes and beliefs). 3

          Other O variables are extrinsic characteristics such as physical attractiveness wealth and possessions. 2

          the ideal characteristics of a partner into three categories:warmth and loyalty (e.g. the partner is understanding considerate and sensitive) vitality and attractiveness(e.g. he or she is attractive and outgoing) and status and resources (e.g. the partner has agood job and is successful). 2

          Although the focus has primarily been on desirable characteristics of theother (e.g. Aron et al. 89) Cunningham and his colleagues (e.g. Cunningham Barbee & Druen 1 6) have argued that it is important to also examine repulsion to O’s negative traits (e.g. annoyinghabits and traits) which they refer to as social allergens 2

        P × O 3

        • P × O variables unique to the association between P and O are the third category of causalvariables. This causal source however can be further divided into two types. 6

          One type refers to theintersection between P and O attributes such as similarity or complementarity 6

          In order to determinewhether P and O are similar the attributes of both P and O must be considered. The othertype of P × O causal factor refers to the properties that emerge through their joint interaction suchas quality of communication 6

        E (environmental) factors 3

        • E variables are the final set of causal factors and refer to the environment of P O or P andO together. 6

          There are two types of environmental variables that can affect attraction. The socialenvironment consists of family and friends surrounding P and O. 5

          Family and friends can try tofacilitate experiences that lead to attraction or conversely they can attempt to hinder attractionfrom developing between P and O. 5

          The second type of E variable is the physical environment whichincludes conditions that could contribute to people’s good mood (e.g. temperature sunshine and or pleasant smells) or provide interaction accessibility to each other (e.g. spacing of residence hallrooms). It could also include negative environmental conditions such as bad weather. 5

        reinforcement theory 7

        • people willlike those who provide rewards as well as those who are present when the individual experiencesrewards. –

          For instance someone who has desirable qualities is intrinsically rewarding. As anotherexample meeting someone in an unusual and pleasant situation can be reinforcing and associatedwith positive affect which then can become associated with the person who was met in that situation.The emphasis of this theory is on positive affect that is experienced as a result of reinforcement direct rewards or association with rewards

        equity theory

        • certain factors will lead to attractionif they increase the likelihood that the relationship between the two individuals can be equitable

        matching hypothesis

        • certain factors will lead to attractionif they increase the likelihood that the relationship between the two individuals can be equitable.An equitable relationship exists when the ratio between inputs and outcomes for one individual isapproximately equal to the ratio between inputs and outcomes for his or her partner. Whereas equitytheory has been applied more frequently to ongoing relationships than to the very early stages of relationships the theory in a basic form predicts that people will become attracted to those others whooffer the opportunity of creating a well-matched pair equal in social worth.

        cognitive consistencyand balance

        • balance theory has been used to explain whyboth similarity between P and O and positive social support from network members for the couple’srelationship can lead to attraction. In both cases the two people come to like each other becausethey have a similar relationship or attitude toward an outside object or person

        arousal leading to attraction

        • A very different setof theories focuses on arousal leading to attraction. People can experience physical arousal due toextraneous sources (e.g. exercise) and label it as attraction to the other

        evolutionary principles

        • evolutionary principles have become popular to explain the association foundbetween some predictors (e.g. physical attractiveness or wealth) and attraction. According to thisperspective humans become attracted to those whom they believe (subconsciously or consciously) willmaximize their opportunities for conception birth and survival of their offspring

          The theory argues that people’s attraction strategies have evolved through naturalselection; that is the attraction strategies that allowed our ancestors to reproduce and have offspringwho survived have been naturally selected (

        self-expansion theory 6

        • This theory argues that people have a desire to expand themselves which includes the acquisitionof resources perspectives and identities. One way to achieve self-expansion is through relationshipswith others. According to the theory people become attracted to those who have attributes orresources that are perceived to present opportunities to increase self-expansion 6

        Methodological Iss ues

        The Scientific Potential of Self-Reports of Attraction Predictors

        A Primer on the Method 7

        Research on Predictors of Intense Attraction 9

        three studies to examine people’s accounts of intense attraction or fallingin love. They began by reviewing various literatures to identify the major variables that could beclassified as predictors of falling in love or an intense attraction 9

        Eleven variables 9

        • (a) similarity 9
        • (b) propinquity 9
        • (c) desirable characteristics of the other 9
        • (d) reciprocal liking 9
        • (e) social influence 9
        • f) filling needs 9
        • (g) arousal and or unusualness 9
        • (i) readiness for entry into a relationship 9
        • (k) mystery 9

        Importance of Predictors of Attraction 6

        • Types of Similarity and Other P × O Factors
          • Similarity on attitudes and values
          • Similarity on interests and leisureactivities
          • Similarity on social skills
          • Similarity on backgroundcharacteristics
          • Complementarity on personality
          • Reciprocal liking (P’s liking for O)
          • Familiarity of the other
        • Characteristics of Other (O
          • O’s warmth and kindness 4
          • O’s (desirable) personality 4
          • Something specific about O 4
          • O’s intelligence and or competence 4
          • O’s ambition 4
          • O’s physical attractiveness 4
          • O’s money and or earning potential 4
        • Environmental Factors 4
          • Proximity 4
          • Support from significant others 4
          • Special setting 4

        Reasons for Entering Relationships

        • (a) physical (e.g. physically attractive)
        • (b) fun (e.g. good sense of humor)
        • (c) caring (e.g. nice)
        • (e) similar (e.g. commoninterests)
        • (f) exciting (e.g. spontaneous)
        • (g) open (e.g. self-discloses)
        • (h) dependable (e.g. honest)
        • (i) easygoing (e.g. laid-back).

        Most Frequent Types of Self-Reported Romantic Attractors –

        • Reciprocal liking and desirable characteristics –
        • Personality reciprocal liking and physical appearance –
        • Personality warmth and kindness and reciprocal liking –
        • Physically attractive fun and caring –
        • Motivated extraverted and physically attractive –

        Reasons for Commitment and Relationship Outcomes 6

        2 types of subjective premarital relationships 4

        • relationship driven 4
          • Relationship-driven commitments reflect compatibility-testing theories of mate selection(e.g. Huston Surra Fitzgerald & Cate ) which suggest that partners regularly evaluatethe degree to which they are well matched on the basis of their interactions. 4
        • eventdriven 4
          • Event-driven commitments on the other hand are those in which the reasons cited for commitment focus on externalevents such as separate interactions with the couple’s social network (e.g. one partner’s meetingwith a parent) or making attributions about network members (e.g. getting along well with friends). 4

        Fatal Attraction 25 2

        • reasons for relationship commitment influence relationship outcomes 25 2

          The qualities that individuals cometo dislike in their partners can be an exaggerated version or a negative interpretation of those thatfirst drew them to their partner in the first place 25 2

          A confident partner for instance may eventuallybe seen as “too confident ” or arrogant. This process is referred to as “fatal attraction” 25 2

          Contrary to the public’s perception of fatal attraction as portending death social psychologistsdefine fatal attraction as “fatal” in the foretelling of an inevitable sequence that can result inconflict and sometimes disillusionment 25 2

          fatalattractions may reflect the presence of opposing relationship tensions that occur in intimate relationships. 25 5

          Dialectical theory maintains that couples encounter contradictory forces such as autonomyand connection novelty and predictability and ness and openness 25 5

          Fatal attractions may occur because individuals seek a partner on the basis of one poleof a dialectical force (e.g. novelty) but then find that their relationship is deficient in terms of theopposing pole (e.g. predictability 25 5

          Second an individual’s strengths and weaknesses are apt to be entwined. This notion is a themein both the popular and clinical psychology literature 25 2

          What are virtues in the firstplace? 25 2

          Virtues are likely to be positive traits displayed in the extreme. Yet extreme qualities may beparticularly prone to exhibiting a downside and this downside may be inextricably linked to theupside. 25 2

          A person who is unusually nice for instance may be too passive or even a pushover. Thus when people pursue a partner because of that person’s virtues they simultaneously encounter thatperson’s “shadow side ” and therefore they may come to reject aspects of the very quality that first interested them 25 723

          Findings suggest that attractions to extreme qualities in an individual or to dissimilarity are particularlyvulnerable to subsequent disenchantment

          fatal attractions are significantly morefrequent when individuals are attracted to extreme partner qualities

          or those described in an exaggerated manner (e.g. unusually confident).

          They also occurmore often when individuals report being drawn to partner qualities that are dissimilar or differentfrom their own (e.g. unique; Felmlee 1 8a 1) and are less frequent when similarities orcommon interests are the source of attraction

          These findingsunderscore the argument that although dissimilarity between partners may be initially alluring italso is liable to serve as a source of subsequent relationship discontent

        Illustrations of fatal attractions 25 2

        • 1. Illustrations of fatal attractions (Felmlee 1 8b) include a woman who was drawn to her partnerbecause of his “I don’t care I’ll have fun anyway” attitude but then reported that she did not likehis “immaturity.” 25 2

          2. Another example is a man who said he initiallyliked his wife because of her “strong character and beliefs.” He later was irritated that she was“pushy loud domineering and always took the initiative.” Thus pushiness or domineering behaviorappears to be the vice associated with the virtue of character strength 25 2

        Summary and Future Research Directions 7

        • First individuals frequently report being attracted to the desirable or positive personality characteristics of O such as being fun or warm and kind. 7

          A second factor that appears invirtually all insider studies of attraction is the physical attractiveness of O with men typically ratingit as a significantly more salient factor than women 7

      Chapter 16. Satisfaction Love and Respect in the Initiation of Romantic Relationships 6

      • Have you ever planted a flower garden? If you have did you think about what you wantedyour garden to look like visualizing it in green growing glory fresh with dew in the earlymorning and fragrant with blossoms in the warmth of a summer afternoon? Did you planyour flowers by variety and color and growth pattern so that something would always be bloomingand so that colors would “pop”? Or perhaps you are a less planning-oriented gardener picking whatcatches your eye at the nursery or in the garden section of a discount store thinking about price orhardiness or simply what is easiest to plant and care for? 2

        Whether you are a thoughtful systematic gardener or a more casual spontaneous one however you are still a gardener! Whether you begin a relationship carefully thinking about what you seek inyour romantic partner and envisioning what you want your relationship to look like down the road or you simply meet someone to whom you are attracted and begin a relationship spontaneously youare a relationship initiator! 4

        Both gardens and relationships can be meticulously manicured or be free-form displays of flowers.Both may either be cared for or be neglected and go to seed. The current volume is one ofa landscape design of romantic relationships presenting options for the borders perennials andannuals that may comprise a relationship. It is concerned with how relationships are “planted.” Thischapter offers what might be considered a mix of annuals and perennials. Annuals last only a seasonand must then be replanted whereas perennials once soundly rooted may appear dormant for atime but then faithfully reappear in due course 4

        Relationship satisfaction is a bit like an annual. It may burst with color but then die out requiring replanting periodically 4

        What is relationship initiation and why does it occur? – 2

        • relationshipinitiation is the formative process that occurs as two people begin forging a romantic relationship thoughwe realize that initiation occurs also with friendships relationships with newly acquired in-laws and thelike – 2

          For romantic relationships we view initiation as not the first sighting the first introduction or thefirst hookup. Rather we view it as the period during the first few months of the life of the relationship – 2

          Forexample Campbell Lackenbauer and Muise ( 6) required couples to have been in a relationship for atleast 3 months to be considered for a study of short-term and long-term relationships – 2

        Evolutionary Theory –

        • The evolutionary psychology approach emphasizes reproduction and the fact that humans are among thespecies requiring two mating parents. In order to ensure reproduction and survival of the species matingmust accommodate women’s and men’s somewhat different mating strategies 9

        The Need to Belong 3

        • One compelling way to consider the “why” question is that relationships are initiated and formedbecause there is a fundamental need for humans to bond with one another and to belong 3

          “human beings have a pervasive drive toform and maintain at least a minimum quantity of lasting positive and significant interpersonal relationships” 3

          (a) people need both frequent and emotionally positive interactions with somenumber of close others 3

          (b) these interactions and presumably the relationships they constituteshould be stable over time. 4

        Satisfaction 9

        Satisfaction is a very important and complex aspect of a romantic relationship 9

        It is typically considered to be a person’s subjective emotional and cognitive evaluation of his or her romantic relationship – 6

        The term relationship satisfaction (especially marital satisfaction)has been used interchangeably with words such as adjustment happiness and quality althoughcontroversy exists about the terms’ meanings and measurement 6

        term relationshipsatisfaction to refer to someone’s overall pleasure in and contentment with their close romanticrelationship 6

        “a relationship begins.”

        • The wording “as a relationship is begun” is very intentional on our parts although it is morecustomary to say that “a relationship begins.” The latter phrasing can give the impression of a relationship“rising from the dust” of its own accord. Rather we wish to emphasize an individual’sintentionality and responsibility in choosing to initiate a relationship. Unlike wildflowers that maygrow without human intervention a sustainable relational garden requires volition—though notnecessarily meticulous planning

        Satisfaction in Context 3

        • six basic components of satisfaction 3
          • “relationshipquality 4
          • commitment 4
          • intimacy 4
          • love 4
          • passion 4
          • trust 4

          3 quality of satisfaction-characteristics 4

          1. enduring vulnerabilities (e.g. the temperaments andpersonalities that partners bring into the relationship) 4

          2. stressful events (e.g. illness addiction and or job loss) 4

          3. adaptive skills (e.g. the abilities to problem-solve and cope successfully). 4

        Satisfaction in Different Relationship Stages 9

        • newlywed couplesare typically very satisfied with their relationship. This satisfaction decreases during the first year ofmarriage but is still solid. Satisfaction continues to decline albeit more gradually for another coupleof years and then levels out for a few years at which time it may begin declining more. Yet absolutelevels of satisfaction remain in the “satisfied” range. 9

          Wives and husbands seem to have similar satisfactiontrajectories. 9

          satisfaction levels decrease more rapidly for people who are less satisfiedat the beginning of their marriage 9

        interpersonal factors contribute to relationship satisfaction

        • self-disclosure to the partner
        • commitment to the relationship
        • the ability of someone to take his or her partner’s perspective or “stand in the partner’sshoes ”
        • conflict strategies that avoided aggression and hostility
        • passionate and companionate love and sexual satisfaction

        majorrelational turning points

        • marriage
        • parenthood
        • empty nest

        Satisfaction Summary

        • Having lovelyflowers in a garden does not guarantee the garden’s health but the presence of a crop of weeds is asure sign that the garden needs attention. 1

          Relationship satisfaction may be defined as someone’s subjective evaluation of hisor her relationship 2

          It is also considered by some scholars to be just one aspect of overall relationshipquality. 2

          Marital satisfaction has been studied in depth and it appears that it is typically high at thebeginning of marriage and decreases over the course of the marriage though still remaining in the“satisfied” range. 2

          Qualities such as self-disclosure love perspective taking and many others influencesatisfaction positively 2

          Some research has shown virtually no differences in satisfaction betweenpersons in the relationship initiation period and persons in long-term relationships and it appearsthat satisfaction can remain strong throughout the years 2

          satisfaction will ebb and flow tosome degree but it can remain high in a relationship if the partners concentrate on maintaining thepositive aspects of their interaction. Like any annual flower it requires periodic replanting 2

        Love

        • One of the most profound influences on how relationships are initiated and maintained is love—thelove that romantic partners have for each other

          love as based either on someone’s essence as a human being called“bestowal ” or on someone’s positive and negative attributes called “appraisal.”

          romantic love is primarily of twotypes. One type is passionate love which is love that is intense emotional and like a hot flame.Companionate love on the other hand is almost like a magnified form of liking in that it is quiet andsteady-state.

          2 types of romantic love

          • passionate love
            • love that is intense emotional and like a hot flame
            • passionate love is the exotic hothouse variety
          • Companionate love
            • is almost like a magnified form of liking in that it is quiet andsteady-state
            • It is more like a glowing ember than a roaring flame
            • companionate love is more like the garden variety oflove”

          triangle of love

          • intimacy
          • passion
          • commitment

          8 forms of love

          • 1. consummate love
          • 2. companionate love
          • 3. empty love 8
          • 4. fatuous love
          • 5. infatuated love
          • 6. liking
          • 7. romantic love
          • 8. nonlove

          The Love Styles 8

          • eros
            • (passionatelove)

              eros is a passionate love style that may respond to a partnerwith intense attraction sometimes called “love at first sight.”

              the eros lover would initiatequickly seeking to know the partner mentally emotionally and physically.

              Marathon dates withheavy self-disclosure and warm physical contact would characterize the eros initiator. It would notbe unusual for eros initiators to meet see sparks and then be virtually inseparable from that timeforward.

              Passionate love is viewed by some scholars (e.g. Hatfield & Rapson 1 3) as the classictype of romantic love that takes place not only during a relationship’s initiation stage but alsothroughout the life span and across virtually all cultures

              Eros is intense

          • ludus
            • (game-playing love)

              Ludus is a playful and much less serious love style and the ludus lover would likely initiate a relationshipwith attention to appropriate distance that would contrast with eros’s attention to closeness. 5

              The ludus lover undertakes the “game” of love taking care that both partners in a relationship enjoythe relationship experience yet avoiding commitment 5

              A ludus lover would likely maintain several(certainly more than one) romantic relationships at one time with relationship initiation characterizedby activity-oriented and “fun” dates that would occur frequently enough to keep the relationshipalive yet infrequently enough to keep the new partner from getting too serious. 5

              Although therecan be a darker manipulative aspect to ludic behavior in Lee’s conception of ludus in its truest form it is playful rather than manipulative 5

              ludus is playful

          • storge
            • (friendship love)

              Storge is a love style based on solid friendship shared values and steady commitment to “growing”a relationship

              It might be difficult to pinpoint how a storge lover would initiate a relationshipbecause the process would indeed be a process

              People inclined toward storgic love would becomecompanionable with a partner sharing more and more time and experiences in an everyday way and gradually easing into a deeper connection. 465

              Early on the storge lover would not necessarily haveformal dates with the partner but might rather be part of a group that includes the partner slowlybut surely spending more and more time with the partner both as part of the group and eventuallyas a twosome. 465

              This gradual evolution of a relationship contrasts with the intense involvement of erosas well as with the studied distance of ludus. Over the long term storge love might assume the depththat an eros lover would attempt to achieve more quickly. A seasoned observer of love might evengive storge higher odds of relationship success than some of the other love styles 6

              storge is slow

          • pragma
            • (practical love)

              Pragma is a practical love style but differs from ludus in that serious commitment is actually apragma lover’s goal.

              Such a lover has some of the calculating qualities of the ludus lover but employspractical calculation in the service of finding an appropriate and compatible long-term romanticpartner.

              A pragma lover would do her or his homework in trying to wisely select a partner and wouldlikely initiate a relationship slowly firmly and strategically attempting to secure the best possiblerelational outcome

              For example early dates would be well planned and might include dinner and a movie or tickets to a play or concert depending on the age and preferences of the partners. Practicalefforts to get to know each other rather than heavy self-disclosure (as in eros) or avoidance ofdisclosure (as in ludus) would likely prevail – 2

              pragma is practical

          • mania
            • (possessive dependent love)

              Mania as the name implies is a somewhat emotionally volatile love style. The mania lover maybe possessive and dependent fervently wishing for rapid involvement and intensity in the relationshipwhile at the same time staying alert for any signal that the partner may be losing interest. –

              Themanic lover hopes for more than the best and fears more than the worst which makes for a rathertumultuous courtship. –

              Relationship initiation may be exciting and intense almost resembling theearly connection that characterizes an eros-based relationship. At some point however the manialover becomes possessive of the partner’s time not so much out of a sense of “wanting” the partnerbut more out of a sense of “needing” the partner. Relationship initiation is thus likely to be “bumpy ”including lovers’ quarrels dramatic reunions and the like –

              mania isvolatile

          • agape
            • (altruistic or “gift” love).

              agape love is “all about the partner.” As agape is centrally altruistic sometimes moreconcerned about the partner’s well-being than one’s own well-being an agape lover is likely toinitiate a relationship carefully and with great consideration for the partner’s needs wants andpreferences.

              It is not necessarily an exaggeration to imagine two agapic partners discussing whatto do on a date and having a very difficult time deciding: “What do you want to do? I want to dowhat you want to do.” “No I want to do what you want to do!” Eventually of course the partnersdecide on a course of action and the date—and the larger relationship—proceed

              agape is gentle

          Love Matching and Satisfaction 4

          • Based on the research discussed previously it appearsthat certain love styles are more conducive to relationship initiation and maintenance than others.It is also possible that partners who are similar in one or more of the love styles (i.e. have “matching”love styles) might be more likely to initiate and maintain a relationship successfully 4

          Love across Ages and Stages 4

          Recent Research on Love 1

          Importance of Respect –

          • Feeling respected is an important part of being human. “Peoplerequire standing respect a feeling of worthiness [and] individual and collective identity” –

            Although there has been considerable research on disrespect (see review by Miller 1) respect has been relatively understudied. Yet it keeps surfacing in various venues particularlythose involving intimate relationships. For example Hirsch ( 3) provided a detailed ethnographicaccount of Mexican transnational couples who move back and forth between Mexico and the UnitedStates. Respeto (formal respect) has been an integral part of traditional Mexican marriages butmore recently this respeto has broadened to include confianza (trust) in these marriage relationships.Thus spousal role-related respect now more often is accompanied by the relationship-related trust –

          Warning Signs of Marriage Failure

          • Contempt-the lack of respect
          • Criticism-Disapproval expressed by pointing out faults or shortcomings
          • Defensiveness-Excessive sensitivity to criticism
          • Stonewalling-Stalling or delaying especially by refusing to answer questions or cooperate

          six dimensions inherent in respect

          • attention
          • curiosity
          • dialogue
          • empowerment
          • healing
          • self-respect

          Satisfaction Love and Respect 3

          Love and satisfaction have been linked in a number of studies (e.g. Hendrick et al. ). Lovemay be necessary for most love relationships but is certainly not sufficient in and of itself. Relationalgardens need more than just one type of flower. 4

          ability to see the world through one’s partner’s eyes 4

          • perspective taking 4
          • empathy 4
          • role taking 4

          The best predictors of relationship satisfaction were ultimatelypositive love (a combination of passionate altruistic and friendship love) felt for the partner theabsence of game-playing love the perception that one did not use aggressive conflict tactics in therelationship and the perception that the partner was able to take one’s perspective 4

          Resp ect Toward Partner Scale 5

          • 1. I respect my partner. 5
          • 2. I am interested in my partner as a person 5
          • 3. I am a source of healing for my partner 5
          • 4. I honor my partner 5
          • 5. I approve of the person my partner is 5
          • 6. I communicate well with my partner 5

      Chapter 17. Falling in Love 32

      • Romantic love is a universal or nearly universal phenomenon appearing in every culture forwhich data are available (Jankowiak & Fischer 1 2) in every historical era (Hatfield &Rapson 2) and in every age group 32 2

        Romantic love seemsto be a key factor in quality of life generally. It can be a source of some of the greatest joys includingconnectedness ecstasy and fulfillment and some of the greatest problems including depression rage stalking suicide and homicide 32 2

        What Is Falling in Love? 6

        • “falling in love” as “the onset of a strong desire for a close romantic relationship with a particular person … the transition from not being in love to being inlove” 6

          The metaphor of “falling” suggests a particularly rapid transition 6

          many individuals when asked to describe an“experience of falling in love” in fact report on a gradual transition sometimes over years as froman acquaintanceship or friendship to an intense passion 6

          falling in love refers to a transition fromsomething not at all intense to something quite intense 6

          It involves a major redirection of one’s attentionand energy. 5

          It is more than just a passing or ephemeral attraction to or valuing of an individual;it corresponds to the early stages of intense passionate love 5

        “What is love?”

        • “the constellation of behaviors cognitions andemotions associated with a desire to enter or maintain a close relationship with a specific otherperson” 1

        Types of Love 1

        • familial love 1
        • compassionate love for strangers 1
        • love of God 1
        • love of country 1
        • Romantic love 1
          • Romantic love is love in the context of romantic relationships—that is relationships of the kindthat typically have an explicit actual or potential sexual component such as dating and maritalrelationships 1
        • -item Love Scale 1

        How Ordinary People Construe Love 35 3

        Falling in Love versus the Onset of Sexual Desire 9

        Variations in Falling in Love 3

        Personality 3

        • There appear to be consistent effects on love and falling in love for individual differences in attachmentstyle. Those who fall in love most often and most intensely are people with preoccupied (alsocalled anxious-ambivalent) attachment styles (Hazan & Shaver ). Individuals with preoccupiedattachment styles are generally characterized as being hungry for love and needy and thus tend to seek love more avidly and to be more engaged in concern about the partner’s response. Further because their relationships tend not to last as long as compared to those of people with secureattachment styles (Hazan & Shaver ) perhaps individuals with a preoccupied attachment styleare more often o

        Gender 1

        • Patterns of falling in love seem to differ somewhat for women and men 9

          men reported being in love more timesthan women. 9

          women were more likely to report being currently in love that they weremore deeply in love and that love was more important to them 9

          When asked about the number oftimes they have been in love men were also more extreme in their responses indicating they hadeither never been in love or been in love three or more times. 9

          men report greater degrees of passionatelove 9

          larger correlations between passionate love and positive or negative affect for men than women 9

        Cultural Context 5

        • Many studies have compared romantic love including falling in love across cultural contexts 8

          With regard to precursors to falling in love it has been found that European Americans mentionfilling needs (of the self and partner) most often in their narrative accounts of the experience whencompared with Mexican Americans and Asian Americans 8

          With regard to other aspects Hatfield and Rapson ( ) found that intensity of passionate lovewas similar among Americans of European Filipino and Japanese ancestry 2

          However Simmons vom Kolke and Shimizu ( 86) found romantic love to be less positively valued by Japanese than byAmericans and Germans. Further the Japanese sample had a complex pattern of responses endorsingboth traditional romantic ideas and the attitude that romantic love should be controlled. Theyviewed love as a dazed state and considered jealousy to be integral to the experience of love; theyalso most strongly endorsed the idea that true love lasts forever 8

        Rate of Falling in Love 39 396

        • Riela and colleagues ( 6 7) conducted a systematic content analysis of free-response narrativesof falling in love experiences in U.S. samples. Participants were asked to briefly describe theirmost recent falling in love experience including what led up to it (e.g. specific events) and how theywere feeling. Judges coded the narratives from a list of items for precursors to falling in lovesuch as reciprocal liking and desirable characteristics (as outlined by Aron et al. 89). In addition experiences were coded for rate of falling in love. Fast experiences were defined as those occurringover a short period of time or as a result of a strong upsurge in attraction. Slow experiences weredefined as those occurring gradually over time or without a strong upsurge of attraction. (This is notto say that the experiences were less intense; rather the experience was not rapid.) 39 396

          Across the studies for those narratives that could be coded for rate of falling in love the majority(approximately %) were classified as fast. As might be expected the narratives of those who fell inlove slowly were more likely to have mentioned having been already familiar with the person beforefalling in love. Among individuals falling in love quickly some emphasis was placed on readiness forentering a relationship as well as specific characteristics of the other person (e.g. eyes and smile).Another study using a Spanish sample found that physical attractiveness was more important forlove at first sight compared with gradual or reciprocally developed love 39 396

        Whether or Not the Love Is Reciprocated 39 6

        • Most U.S. college students have had at least one experience of loving someone who did not love them 39 6

          accounts of being rejectedand of being the undesired object of someone’s attraction. They found that rejection can lead tostrong organization as well as strong disorganization of thoughts behaviors and emotions; both therejector’s and rejectee’s behaviors are mostly passive; both wish (but do not necessarily act) for differentbehaviors and outcomes from the other; and both usually end up disappointed 39 6

          intensity of unrequited love was predicted by three factors 39 7

          • perceived desirability of the partner and the relationship (e.g. high ratings for“How perfect is this person in your eyes?”) 39 7

            the second most important was perceived desirability of the state of being in love whether reciprocated or not (e.g. “How fulfilling is it to love this personeven though it is unrequited?”); – 6

            the least important (but still significant) was mistakenly believingat the outset that the other would reciprocate the love (e.g. “Even though you don’t feel thisperson loves you as much as you would like to what extent has this person done things that wouldmake most people think he or she loves you?”). – 6

          unrequited love 7

          • not returned 7

            Secure individualswere least likely to experience unrequited love; when they did they were the group with thestrongest association with mistaken expectation of reciprocation 7

            Avoidant individuals were somewhatmore likely than secures to experience unrequited love; when they did they were the groupwith a strong positive association with desirability of the state of being in love 7

            unrequited love is a chance to experience the culturally valued state of intense lovewithout having to deal with a relationship 7

            anxious-ambivalent individuals were most likely to experience unrequited love and were thegroup with the strongest association with desirability of the partner. Desirability of the partner wasvery highly correlated with intensity for them; however desirability of the state of being in love wasclearly negatively correlated for them with intensity of the love. 7

        Romantic Attraction 7

        • Among desirable characteristics across many cultures kindness and intelligence (Buss 89)are especially important for both women and men 493

          men somewhat more than women areattracted to partners who shows visual signs of youth health and beauty; 493

          women more than men areattracted to partners who exhibit signs of status and resources 493

          women are slightly more affected thanmen by desirable personality traits 493

        Factors variables of Romantic Attraction 3

        • propinquity-being close together 3
          • exposure or “propinquity” may strongly influence the falling in love process mainlyby providing an opportunity. 3

            This mayarise because platonic friendships are a common beginning for romance via the romantic attractionsthey often include 3

        • partner filling one’s need 3
          • The partner filling one’s needs also appears to be instrumental to falling in love 3

            Filling needsrefers to satisfying the needs of another individual such as happiness and alludes to personalitytraits of the other person (e.g. compassion and honesty) that are highly valued. 3

            women mention filling needs more oftenthan men which may be consistent with research suggesting that men are more autonomous andwomen more relational 3

        • social appropriateness and social networks 327
          • There are few studies of the role of social appropriateness and social networks in falling in love 327
        • arousal at time of meeting the partner (the“arousal–attraction effect”) 327
        • readiness for falling in love 327
          • specific cues 327

            people are less likely to fall in love with PersonA when they have just fallen in love with Person B and may be more likely to fall in love when theyhave just broken up with someone 493

            a striking difference betweenthose “in love” and not in love (e.g. including those who reported never having been in love) was thatthe “in love” group reported having had a strong readiness. 493

        Effects of Falling in Love 1

        • focused attention 1
        • strong motivation 1
        • goal-orientedbehaviors 1
        • heightened energy 1
        • sleeplessness 1
        • loss of appetite 1
        • feelings of euphoria 1
        • obsessive thinkingabout the beloved 1
        • heightened attraction during adversity in the relationship 1

        Is falling in love a good thing? 1

        • falling in love when reciprocated would lead to an enhancement of the self-concept including increased identity domain greater senseof self-efficacy and greater self-esteem. 1

          The key results were that participants who fellin love showed significant increases in diversity of the self-concept and increased self-efficacy and selfesteemfrom the testing session before to the testing session after they fell in love 293

          falling in love may be much less thana good thing

          The most obvious is unreciprocated love

          if one is alreadyin a relationship falling in love with someone else could be quite disruptive

          The way love is interpreted can also be less than completely positive

        Is falling in love especially falling in love intensely a good thing? – 2

        • 1 couplesfor years starting from their wedding day. – 2

          Couples who divorced within 2 years were significantlyless in love as newlyweds compared to all the other couples in the study – 2

          Also among couples stillmarried at the -year testing those who were more deeply in love as newlyweds were considerablyhappier than those who were less deeply in love as newlyweds – 2

          couples who idealized one another as newlyweds were less likely tosuffer declines in love over time – 2

          • couples those who stayed together after 2 months were initially significantly more in love – 2

        The Biological Basis of Falling in Love 5

        avian and mammalianspecies have evolved three distinct brain systems for courtship mating reproduction andparenting 5

        (a) the sex drive characterized by a craving for sexual gratification 5

        (b) attraction (“favoritism ”“sexual preference ” or “mate choice”) characterized by focused attention on a preferred partner heightened energy motivation and goal-oriented courtship behaviors 5

        (c) attachment characterizedby the maintenance of proximity and affiliative gestures and expressions of calm when in socialcontact with a mating partner and separation anxiety when apart (as well as parental behaviors suchas territory defense nest building mutual feeding grooming and other parental chores). 5

        emotion–motivation system 2

        Each emotion–motivation system varies according to the reproductivestrategy of each species and evolved to play a different role in courtship mating reproduction and parenting. 2

        The sex drive 2

        • The sex drive evolved principally to motivate individuals to seek sexual union with arange of partners. 2

        Attraction 2

        • Attraction evolved to motivate individuals to prefer particular mating partners andfocus their courtship attention on these mates thereby making a mate choice 2

        neurochemical mechanisms

        • Beach ( ) and Liebowitz ( 83) proposedthat the neurotransmitters associated with arousal dopamine and or norepinephrine may beinvolved. Fisher (1 8) hypothesized that attraction (romantic love) may be associated with elevatedactivity of the brain’s pathways for dopamine and or norepinephrine and decreased activityof the brain’s serotonin system

          dopamine plays a central role in the focusedattention motivation and goal-oriented behaviors associated with romantic love 6

          In sum the considerable data on mate preference in mammalian (and avian) species and theassociation of this mate preference with subcortical dopaminergic pathways in human and animalstudies suggest that attraction in mammals (and its human counterpart falling in love) is a specificbut dynamic biobehavioral brain system; that it is associated with at least one specific neurotransmitter dopamine; and that this brain system evolved to facilitate a specific reproductive function: matepreference and pursuit of this preferred mating partner –

        How Does Falling in Love Work? –

        Love as Emotion 1

        • Many emotion theorists have treated love as an emotion (e.g. Gonzaga et al. 1; Shaver et al. ; Shaver Morgan & Wu 1 6). Shaver and colleagues for example noted that it is typicallythe first response given when participants are asked for an example of an emotion. Similarly whenone focuses on “moments of love ” love shows many of the features of emotions 2

          On the other hand although love is highly emotional it may be better characterized as a goal-oriented motivational stateand not as a specific emotion in its own right (Aron & Aron 1 1). As Fisher ( 4) noted it tendsto be hard to control is not associated with any specific facial expression is focused on a specificreward and like basic drives (Pfaff 1 9) is associated with subcortical dopaminergic pathways inthe brain 2

        Love as Attachment 46 8

        • The theory positsthat love develops out of three behavioral systems that evolved to promote the developmentand survival of infants in humans and perhaps other primates or even other nonprimate species 46
          • attachment 46
          • caregiving 46
          • sexuality 46

          In human adults according to this model passionate love is a combination of the desires forattachment and sexuality 46

          Further this model emphasizes that early experience with caregiversstrongly shapes individual differences in adult love experiences. Thus for example those who havehad inconsistent caregiving (e.g. those high on the anxious-attachment or preoccupied dimension)are much more likely to experience intense passionate love and more likely to experience intenseunrequited love given their propensity to easily fall in love but not find true love; in contrast those who experienced a consistent lack of security (e.g. those high on the avoidance dimension)are especially unlikely to experience passionate love in adulthood given their tendency to rejectpassionate love as real 46

        Love as a Story 46 1

        • loving relationships can be described accurately by the peopleinvolved through narrative autobiographies often suggesting culturally prototypical “stories.” Forexample the story of a couple locked in constant struggle is common as is the story of couplesgrowing to love each other over time. 46 1

          Each type of story has a characteristic mode ofthought and behavior that often corresponds to other views of love (e.g. someone with a game-basedlove story will behave in ways consistent with the ludus love style). 46 1

          Having a particular love story canalso impact one’s expectations of what a romantic relationship should be like 46 1

          People tend to seekromantic partners with similar love stories and complementary roles within these stories. Finally these stories are inextricably linked with the rest of one’s life: Particular stories can influence behaviorin a relationship and stories can also be shaped and modified by one’s experiences. 46 1

        Evolutionary Approaches 46 4

        • Because courtship and mate choice are central aspects of reproduction in avian and mammalianspecies it seems plausible that the experiences behaviors and neural underpinnings of falling inlove might be strongly shaped by evolution. 46 6

        Self-Expansion Model 31

        • the exhilaration and intense focused attention of passionate love arise from the rapid rate ofincluding the other in the self often associated with forming a new romantic relationship 31

          Falling in love according to this model ariseswhen one perceives the opportunity for substantial self-expansion by including a particular otherperson in the self 31

          self-expansion model posits 31

          • (a) a primary human motivation to expand one’sself in terms of potential to attain desired goals 31

            (b) that a main way people seek to expand the selfis in terms of “including others in the self” through close relationships so that the other’s resources perspectives and identities are treated to some extent as one’s own 31

      Chapter 18. The Emotional Landscape of Romantic Relationship Initiation

      • Hello I love you won’t you tell me your name? 2

        more realistic lyrical verse 2

        “Hello you seem to be emitting positive affect which leads me to feel some typeof arousal as I look at you and as I appraise these sensations I believe they suggest some degree ofattraction although I am not sure if it is merely physical attraction or something deeper. Could webegin communicating so I can assess our degree of compatibility and your self-perceived level ofarousal so I can better characterize what these sensations are that I am feeling?” 2

        early stages of relationship formation 4

        • characterized byemotional uncertainty 4
        • scenes of beauty and awe 4
        • scenes of potentialdanger and threat 4
        • (fear of failure and disappointment 4

        bright emotions 4

        • passion 4
        • infatuation 4
        • warmth 4
        • anticipation 4
        • joy 4

        dark emotions 4

        • anxiety 4
        • uncertainty 4
        • fear 4
        • envy 4
        • embarrassment 4

        emotional complexity during initial encounters 4

        • 1. Initialencounters are novel and unpredictable which evoke both positive and negative arousal; 4

          2. personalitydispositions such as social anxiety and shyness serve as filters that shape attitudes behaviors attributions and ultimately emotional experience; and

          3. a positivity bias encourages people toexpect and express positive emotions and hide negative emotions

        list of cognitive behavioral and affectiveindicators

        • affective indicators suggest positive emotions

          “Felt like you were ‘oncloud nine’ or ‘walking one foot off the ground’ during or after being with this person”

          “Felt anemotional connection to this person that you never imagined you would feel in any relationship.”

          Other affective indicators suggest negative emotions that arise ironically from the very fact thatanother is highly valued for example

          “Felt like it would be extremely difficult to carry on with yourlife if something tragic ever happened to this person”

          “Became very distressed following anargument or disagreement with this person.”

        3. months

        • the euphoric state of walking on cloudnine was experienced by 91% of the respondents after only 2. months whereas the distress followingan argument was experienced by % of respondents after 4.25 months. The actual behavioralstatement of “I love you” seems to occur somewhere between these affective states with 84% statingit on average 3. months after the first meeting.

        The Sociofunctional App roach to Emotions 5

        • display rules-emotions 72
          • The term display rulesrefers to the “socially learned often culturally different rules about the management of expression about who can show which emotion to whom and when they can do so” 72

            simulation 72

            • (displaying emotion that is not felt 72

            inhibition 72

            • expressing no emotion when one is in fact feeling an emotion 72

            intensification 72

            • (creatingthe appearance that emotions are felt more strongly than they are 72

            deintensification 72

            • creating theimpression that emotions are felt less strongly than they are 72

            masking 72

            • displaying an emotionthat is different from the emotion actually being experienced 72
        • “I love you too ” 73
          • Emotions might be expressed verbally or nonverbally with or without conscious thought and likeany message their expression exists on a continuum of veracity. We smile during a greeting exchangewhether we feel happy or not; we show sadness when hearing of another’s distress even when we wouldprefer to say “I told you so.” And of course we respond to “I love you” with a comparable expression “I love you too ” whether we are experiencing some level of passionate arousal or not. 73
        • emotional drunkenness 73
          • “[E]motional responses are an important part of intimate relationships but sometimes these relationships develop through an orderly dispassionate and sober process”in contrast to the “emotional drunkenness that so often characterizes romantic intimacy” 73

        Relationship Schemas and Scripts 73

        • Relationship initiation is a goal-directed enterprise 73 4

          Initiation goals vary intheir scope focus and hierarchical configuration. That is some goals are vague and unfocused (e.g. to have a fun evening) whereas some are more specific and self-focused (e.g. to appear attractive toa target of interest) or other focused (e.g. to learn more about a particular other person 73 4

          Some goalsare short term (e.g. to have a one-night stand) and some are long-term (e.g. to find a person 73 4

          some goals are preexisting (e.g. If Mary comes to the party without a date I hope Ican spend time with her) 73 4

          some goals are contextual and emergent (e.g. I am enjoying this conversation;I need to keep it going). 73 4

        Schemas 73 4

        • Although there is some variation across disciplines concerning the specific definition of the termschema a synthesis at the conceptual level suggests that the term schema generally refers toknowledge structures or prototypes that aid in the organization and evaluation of information relevantto domains of social roles and social activity. 73 7

          For example cultural expectations for “appropriate”qualities attitudes and behaviors associated with men and women are gender role schemas thatare shaped by cultural and co-cultural norms 73 7

        Scripts

        • As indicated in Baldwin’s (1 2) description of developed relationships when knowledge structuresguide specific interactional patterns they are referred to as scripts 2

          Scripts are a particular type ofschema that organizes interaction sequences and moves: who says and does what to whom when and (presumably) why. 2

          Some scripts are fairly standardized rituals widely shared within a culture(e.g. wedding and funeral rituals) and some are more idiosyncratic and localized (e.g. a family’sunique dinner script) 2

          greeting ritual 2

          • They are culturallyderived from relevant schemas but are loosely structured sequences that allow for some degreeof innovation and adaptation in accord with preexisting and emergent goals in a given context. Forexample the simple normative script known as a greeting ritual may consist of nothing more thanacknowledging another’s greeting and returning a similar greeting matched in level of formality anddetail. 2

        First Meeting Scripts 5

        • quasi-courtship behavior sequence contains four steps 5
          • courtship readiness 5
          • preening behavior 5
          • positional cues 5
          • resolution 5
            • (actions of appeal or invitation). 5

          typologyof courtship moves 5

          • attention 5
          • recognition 5
          • interaction 5
          • sexual arousal 5
          • resolution 5

          nonverbal behaviors 5

          • eye gaze of various durations 5
          • smiling 5
          • primping 5
          • lip licking 5
          • head tossing 5

          Early studies of verbal and nonverbal signals of interest during a firstmeeting identified sequences of “moves” exhibited by potential partners 5

        First Date Scripts 5

        • Assuming that an initial meeting leads to a first date potential partners thenmove through a series of episodes in which more specific goals become salient 6

          Although many ofthese interaction goals are similar for men and women (e.g. getting acquainted and judging compatibility) and some behaviors are common to both (e.g. groom for the date and engage in small gender-role expectations distinguish certain goals for men and women and prescribe appropriatebehaviors to meet those goals

          For example men are expected to initiate plan and orchestrate the date;display their resources (usually by paying for the date); and test for female sexual availability – 4

          Womenare expected to wait for and then accept the date request display their physical attractiveness andrespond with restraint to tests of sexual availability. – 4

        pursuit of three broad goals 3

        • (a) entering the scene with poise and emotional availability 3
        • (b) attracting others through displays ofaffiliation and evoking affiliative responses 3
        • (c) facilitating uncertainty reduction 3

        Emotions and Relationship Initiation Enactment

        • Entering the Scene: Poise and Emotional Availability 6
          • Negative Affective States 7
            • Negative affect particularly fear is traditionally associated withresponses to environmental threats. However in the context of relationship initiation scenes fearis more aptly seen as responses to prospective social evaluation 7

              A person tends to experience an immediate emotional response to the face which a contact withothers allows him … his “feelings” become attached to it … . If events establish a face for him thatis better than he might have expected he is likely to “feel good”; if his ordinary expectations arenot fulfilled one expects that he will “feel bad” or “feel hurt.” 29

              during initiation respondents reported that they would feel such affective states asnervous anxious uneasy uncomfortable awkward afraid and scared presumably because theyare opening themselves to loss of face.

              Self-presentational concerns prove to be particularly problematic for those who have experiencedfailure in the past

              Such individuals are more likely to fear rejectionthan those who are feeling confident when entering an initiation scene

              Fear of rejection is a localizednegative affect that prompts individuals to assume a “self-protective” interaction demeanor much like the response to fear in a nonsocial context.

              signal amplification

              • Fearful individuals also assume they communicate signals of interest and attraction to a muchgreater degree than they actually do a phenomenon known as signal amplification

                Ironically their own inhibitions foster restraint in the level of expression of affect and interestcues a tendency that increases as levels of attraction to a target other increase. When potentialpartners do not respond to what the fearful person believes to be obvious signals of interest his orher expectation of rejection is confirmed 2

          • Positive Affective States
            • Entering a scene where dating potential is present in a state of positiveaffect is highly functional. Unlike negative emotions which tend to narrow response tendencies positive emotions particularly contentment and joy tend to broaden the range of response tendencies

              Positive emotions promote openness; facilitate approach behaviors; activate interest levels optimism and creativity; and open individuals to the pleasure of play

              Positive emotions also enhance “broad-minded” coping or the ability to assesssituations objectively and generate a range of possible options for responding

          • Attracting Others: Displaying Affiliation and Evoking Affiliative Responses 7
            • The incredible proliferation of “emoticons” in the public media and Internet messages may bringgroans from some people. However their utility as communicative mechanisms is indirectly evident inscholarly research. Empirical and theoretical scholarship suggests that emotional expressivity contributesto interpersonal attraction 3

              However the use of a particular constellation of nonverbal cues associated with affiliation(e.g. hand gesturing facial expressions and postural matching proximity and variation in vocalpitch) increased over time in the liking condition but decreased over time in the disliking condition.This pattern suggests that the broad cultural mandate to signal positive affect is subtly adapted toemergent goals of signaling interest in extending or alternatively curtailing future interaction. Inshort to form relationships people must be able to exhibit and be willing to reciprocate expressionsof positive emotion 6

        • Reducing Uncertainty 4
          • Relationship initiation is often marked by both cognitive and emotional uncertainty. Although thedating scripts described previously are useful devices for coordinating initiation moves the lack ofperson-specific knowledge is an uncomfortable state that individuals attempt to reduce 4

            three strategies 4

            • passive 4
              • (observing the target preferably in an unstructuredsituation) 4
            • active 4
              • (seeking information from others about the target) 4
            • interactive 4
              • (employing selfdisclosure questions and relaxation techniques to encourage the target’s participation) 4

            seductive voice 5

            • During interaction potential partners manipulate their emotion expression and evocation tocreate an emotionally open and secure environment that facilitates the self-disclosure and relaxationnoted by Berger ( ). In a study of the male “seductive” voice Anolli and Ciceri ( 2) found thatmen who were successful in arranging a second meeting with a woman randomly assigned to themdisplayed the seductive voice to a much greater degree than the men who were not successful 5

              The beginning of the sequence is marked byhigher pitch elevated intensity and faster rate of articulation. The middle phase shifts gradually toa lower weaker and warmer voice which the authors referred to as the “self-disclosure voice.” Thethird phase moves back to a higher pitch higher intensity and accelerated rate when actually making 5

            importance of self-disclosuregenerally and emotional disclosure more specifically

            • These descriptions were then codedfor initiation goals and strategies. Findings across both studies confirm the importance of self-disclosuregenerally and emotional disclosure more specifically. The authors concluded that “the mostfrequently used behaviors in romantic relationship initiation are those that promote emotional intimacy(emotional disclosure in Study 1 and seeking love talking and spending time together

            verbal expression of love 4

            • The verbal expression of love is typically studied as a relationship intensification strategy ratherthan a relationship initiation strategy (e.g. Tolhuizen 89). However it can also be employed asan indirect strategy to reduce uncertainty about a potential partner 4
              • % of the sample reported that men said “I love you ” first 4

              half of the sample linkedthe expression of love to true feelings 4

              about % to situational influences (e.g. had a delightfulevening or “made love” for the first time) 4

              about % attributed the expression to a specificmotive such as gaining sexual compliance or testing how the other person would respond 4

              Whetheror not the statement of love functions as intended (i.e. sexual compliance is granted or expression oflove is returned) the speaker nonetheless learns relevant information about his or her partner. 4

        Managing Hope and Disappointment

        • loneliness 89
          • loneliness isnot simply a cognitive assessment of being isolated from or unfulfilled by social connections butalso an affective response to this cognition that includes feelings of disappointment confusion sadness and perhaps even hurt 9
        • Depression 9
          • Depression is a mood state of variousdegrees of intensity and duration accompanied by a complex negative affective system with a strongsadness component 9

        Individual Differences: Shyness and Self-Monitoring 6

        • the fear of rejection is a localized inhibitor for relationship initiation 6

          However it is transient to the extent that if this fear is alleviated by successful enactments the individualis generally comfortable revealing aspects of his or her personality during the dating stages 6

        Shyness

        • Shyness is a dispositional tendency characterized by high levels of social anxiety and social fear

          Shy individuals have less success in face-to-face interactionsand derive less enjoyment from such interactions compared to nonshy individuals

          shy individuals are self-conscious and self-deprecating have loweropinions of themselves

          have lower self-esteem compared to nonshyindividuals

          They also evaluate their social skills negatively and believe that theydo not have the skills necessary for successful social interaction

          Such negative self-evaluations are particularly problematic during initial encounters. When shyindividuals do engage in interaction they have low expectancies for the outcomes of interaction

          whereas most people attempt to gain social approval through positive self-presentation shy individuals are more concerned with avoiding disapproval rather than gaining approval 3

          shy individuals are so fearful of being negatively evaluated (e.g. not doing the right thing or not enacting a script properly) that they engage in systematic avoidantbehaviors. 3

          Contrary to popular beliefs shy individuals do not necessarily avoid interaction (Ward &Tracey 4) but they do avoid assertive communication behaviors 4

          For example they do not initiateconversations tend to speak less allow for longer and more frequent silences in conversation andavoid interruptions 4

          They avoid prolonged eye contact speak softly and refrainfrom demonstrating assertiveness by avoiding requests or criticism and remaining neutral in opinion 4

          By not expressing strong opinions a shy person avoids disapproval and negativeemotional arousal 4

          As functional as theseadaptations may be for the shy person to avoid increased emotional distress they simultaneouslylimit what a potential partner can learn about the shy person during face-to-face interactions and byobserving him or her in conversations with others. 4

          shyness in men appears to be more problematic during initial interactions than is shynessin women 6

          The behaviors exhibited (or not exhibited) by the shy men not only influencedtheir partners’ negative evaluation of the interaction but also caused the women to become more selfconsciousand anxious and inhibited their efforts to sustain mutual gaze. By contrast women’s shynessdid not induce feelings of discomfort or inhibit nonverbal or verbal behaviors in their male partners.Indeed shyness in women is sometimes seen as a positive quality indicating modesty (Crozier 1).In general then shyness is problematic but particularly during initial interactions and particularly sofor men due to the inhibitory effect of shyness on the enactment of male gender roles. 82 6

        Self-Monitoring 82 1

        Self-monitoring refers to the use of social cues during interaction to guide judgments about theappropriateness of self-presentation strategies and or expressive behaviors 82 1

        Highself-monitors are keenly attuned to their changing social environment and use cues embeddedwithin these contexts (e.g. others’ emotions social scripts and status hierarchies) to guide theirexpressive behavior as well as self-presentation (i.e. presenting a desirable image) 82 1

        high self-monitors respond better to thesituational demands of emotion expression compared to low self-monitors who use their internalaffective states or psychological motivations such as attitudes and values 82 1

        Given the highly scripted nature of relationship initiation and the normative expectations regardingpositive and negative emotion displays it is not surprising that high self-monitors are skilledinitiators. In a study examining the relationship between self-presentational goals (ingratiation andself-promotion) and the expression of emotions during social interactions for individuals high andlow in self-monitoring needs 82 3

        across goal type high selfmonitorsdisplayed less negative emotion (i.e. fear anger and disgust) and more happiness than lowself-monitors and were rated by judges as more competent and likeable 82 3

  • Section V: Challenges and Problematic Relationship Initiation
    • Chapter 19. Hookups: A Facilitator or a Barrier to Relationship Initiation and Intimacy Development? 67
      • What is the potential of hookups as a stage in initiating a committed romantic relationship? 93 2

        What typically happens after a hookup ends? 93 2

        How often do committed relationships resultfrom hookups? 93 2

        What is the emotional experience of hookups? 93 2

        What sense do young people make fromtheir hookup experiences? 93 2

        What lessons and insights fears and worries and hopes andexpectations do youth take forward to future relationships? 93 2

        The Developmental Significance ofAdolescence and Young Adulthood 93 9

        • Meaningful connection with others is a critical element of humans’ health and well-being. Interpersonalconnection can expand our mind deepen our emotions and sustain our health 93 5 5

          Seekingmeaningful connection is a lifelong pursuit. 93 5 5

          Whereas childhood is an important “playground” forattachment building and early relationship exploration arguably the most intense time for relationshipexploration is adolescence when the full array of human needs emerges and youth take onincreasing personal volition in working social interactions to satisfy needs 93 5 5

          Adult love relationships have their roots in adolescent and young adult sexual and emotionalintimacy exploration 93 5 5

          research demonstratesthat positive romantic relationship experiences during adolescence can promote well-being 4

          advance identity development and parent–child individuation (Furman & Shaffer 3) lower stress and loneliness (Moore & Leung 2) and contribute to subsequent relationship functioning 4

          However negative romantic relationship experiences increaserisk of early and frequent romantic involvement 4

        Youth Sexual and Relationship Experience 6

        • Exploration and experimentation with sex and relationships are challenging to young people asthey struggle to develop their capacity for intimacy

        Characteristics of Casual Sexual Hookups 95

        • Hookups presumed to be noncommittal and emotionally inconsequential sexual interactions areregarded as casual sexual encounters and have sometimes been referred to as “one-night stands.” 95

          Recent research suggests that more than three quarters of college students have experienced at leastone hookup (but typically numerous hookups 95

          Nearly one half of young men’s and one third of young women’s hookup experiences involved sexualintercourse although hookups often involved other sexual behavior such as kissing petting and oralsex 95

          Hookups 95 5

          • Hookups tend to involve two neverbefore-acquainted partners 95 5

          most commonfactors leading up to a hookup 95 5

          • Flirting 95 5
          • drinking 95 5
          • alcohol 95 5
          • hanging out 95 5
          • partying 95 5

          Often youth (both men and women) “plan” to hook up althoughthe plan may not specify a particular hookup partner but rather a general intention to hook up 95 5

          Hookups most often occur at parties or in a dorm or fraternity house but any available place will do 95 5

          Alcohol is typically involved 95 5

          severity of alcohol intoxicationpredicted both the likelihood of hooking up and the likelihood that hookups included sexual intercourse 95 5

          Precautions to prevent STD transmission and or pregnancy are infrequently taken 95 3

          Verbalcommunication about personal or sexual matters during hookups is uncommon; only 4% of youthreported that hookup partners talk about what is happening 2% reported that partners talk aboutfuture interaction and only 1% reported that hookup partners talk about sexual history preferences or precautions 95 3

          Hookups typically end when one person leaves or passes out orwhen one or both partners reach orgasm 95 3

          The emotional experience during a hookup often includesfeeling good aroused or excited as well as anxious and confused 95 3

          After hookups common emotionswere regret or disappointment (see also Kilmann Boland West Jonet & Ramsey 1 3) as well ashappiness and satisfaction. 95 3

          What is the function of such experiences in relationship formation and intimacy development? 95 4

          Inwhat ways and how effectively do hookups contribute to building romantic relationships and developingyouth’s capacity for future intimate relating? 95 4

        The Effectiveness of Hookups in Initiating Relationships 95 5

        • Only a few studies have examined the extent to which casual sexual interactions have persisted intorepeat interaction and or developed into relationships (i.e. intimate interaction over time rather than aonetime interaction). 95

          hookup experience that included sexual intercourse reported that after hooking up they did notinteract with their hookup partner again. 96 –

          hookups that do not involve sexual intercourseappear to be more likely to result in future interactions; % of individuals who hooked up but did notengage in sexual intercourse during hookups reported interacting with the hookup partner at anothertime 96 –

          Some youth have a “hookup buddy” with whom they hook up multiple timesand only interact during hookups 96 –

          Other youth hook up with a friend known as “friends with benefits” 96 –

          Few hookups appear to evolve into a committed romantic relationship 96

          only % of youth reported a hookup experience that evolved into a romantic relationship and the average duration of these romantic relationships was only 4 months. 96

          thelikelihood of hookups evolving into romantic relationships appears to be related to the valence ofthe hookup experience (i.e. perceived as good or bad experiences). 96

          • % of hookup experiences perceived as “best” evolved into relationships whereas only 3% ofhookups reported as “worst” persisted 96

          What might explain the fact that hookups only rarely lead to longer term relationships? 96 4

          It may bethat relationship partners who met during a hookup later define the relationship by what it evolvedinto rather than how it started 96 4

          the frequencyof hookup interactions that evolved into romantic relationships. Another explanation for theapparent paucity of relationships that develop from hookups is that there is no well-developed scriptfor these youth to follow. Relationship scripts are cognitive roadmaps specifying the key events inromantic relationships and the typical order in which they occur (Baldwin 1 2). Scripts can pertainto specific relationship events (e.g. a first date or a relationship breakup) or can be broad construalsof how relationships develop. 96 4

          Another factor that prevents the development of relationships from hookups is the fact thatmany hookups take place while on vacation such as spring break 96

          Results from these studiesindicate that between and % of advanced high school and college students who go on springbreak have sexual intercourse with a person they had just met while on vacation and a muchhigher percentage of these students “fool around ” broadly defined with a person they had metwhile on vacation 96

          Students in Mewhinney et al.’s (1 5) focus groups indicated that there is asense of anonymity on spring break where students can engage in behaviors that would otherwisebe unacceptable at home. Youth believe that vacations are also times to relax one’s inhibitions andfocus on having a good time with less regard for consequences 96 5

          Three aspects of hookup experiences may foretell the differentialpotential of hookups for initiating a romantic relationship –

          • (a) motivations for hookingup –
            • Youth hook up for different reasons—reasons that may foretell what happens after hookups. Someyouth hook up solely for sexual experimentation exploration and gratification 1

              sexual gratification is the most common reason for both men and womento engage in casual sexual encounters 1

              Many of these individuals express little interest in romanticrelating and may even be skeptical of the “emotional baggage” they perceive as part of longer timelove relationships 1

              Still others are concurrently involved in a “committed” romantic relationship andare “cheating” on their romantic partner by hooking up with someone else

              Thus the low likelihoodof hookups as effective relationship initiators may in part be because many youth engage in hookupsfor reasons other than relationship initiation.

              other youth indeed report that they hookup with the hope that their hookup will turn into a longer term relationship

              some individuals engage in casual sexual encountersfor the purpose of finding a desirable mate or a more desirable mate than they currently have

              Hookupsmay sometimes go awry because the partners have different motivations and expectations leavingone or both partners with expectations or intentions that are unrequited.

              sexual desire was the third strongestmotivation for women to engage in casual sex 3

              female participants in Weaver and Herold’s( ) study indicated that they engage in casual sex to “live it up ” because they enjoy the noveltyof new partners and because they feel like they are doing something “forbidden.” 3

              men generally are more oriented to short-term sexual encounters than are women inmany circumstances women also engage in short-term sexual encounters (e.g. when they have greateraccess to political power and resources). 5

              motivations may differ across specific hookups; sometimesmen and women reported they “just” wanted to hook up to have a sexual thrill or to “fit in”with their peers 5

              some men and women reportedthat they were looking for interpersonal comfort and had some hope that the connection would continue. 5

            (b) the subjective experience of the hookup –

            • hookups were best when 9
              • (a) there wasinterest and attraction and the partner was good-looking 9
              • (b) sexual behavior was enjoyable 9
              • (c) they felt wanted and cared about 9

              worst hookup experiences were often described as quite distressing for youth. Alcoholplayed a large role in the worst hookups although it also played a role in young men’s besthookups. 4

              The worst hookups occurred more often in a car or in a club or bar 4

              At times they endedwhen one partner stopped the hookup because it was going too far. 4

              Partners in the worst hookupswere unlikely to see each other again. 4

              worst hookups 4

              • combinationof good 4
              • aroused 4
              • excited 4
              • confused 4
              • unsure 4
              • regretful 4
              • embarrassed 4
              • nervous 4
              • scared 4
              • uncomfortable 4
              • anxious 4
              • used 4

              profile of the best hookups 4

              • (a) communication
              • (b) enjoyment (albeit a little anxiety) and posthookup feelings of comfort and security
              • (c) interest in and care about the partner
              • (d) peer support
              • (e) conscious involvement (i.e. lack ofintoxication)

              advancing the hookup into a relationship – 5

              • communication and self-disclosure – 5
              • enjoyment and satisfaction – 5
              • interest in and affection 9
              • social networks 8
              • conscious and chosen involvement in sexual interaction 2

              Alcohol 2

              • Alcohol reduces self-awareness 2
              • clouds rationaldecision making 2
              • blurs short-term memory 2

              hookups are more likely to develop into relationshipswhen neither partner feels pressure to engage in sexual activity and neither partner experiences asense of regret about the hookup in its aftermath 8

              Hookups seem to lead to relationships when thereis a sense of connection with the hookup partner such that the interaction spontaneously unfolds and both partners have similar emotional experiences and expectations for the future 8

              The aftermathof the hookup also contributes to the likelihood that a relationship will develop based on the degreeto which hookup partners receive positive reinforcement from others in their support network. 8

            (c) the emotional realities of hooking up –

            • Casual sex has been a popular topic of investigation given the risky physical consequences of suchsexual behaviors 9

            minority of hookups turns into longer term relationships

            Hookups are most likelyto evolve into longer term relationships when

            (a) both partners had positive emotional experiencesduring and after the hookup

            (b) there was communication during the hookup

            (c) both partnershad similar motivations for the hookup

            there are many characteristics of hookups thatdecrease the likelihood that they will facilitate the initiation of a new relationship

            “hookup script”

            • a central part of the “hookup script” may very well be the notion that relationships donot evolve from hookups. In the next section we consider the implications of these contemporaryyouth relationships for intimacy development and relationship functioning in the long term

        The Effectiveness of Hookups inAdvancing Intimacy Development 5 1

        • romantic relationships contribute to experience in four behavioral systems 1 2
          • (a) affiliation 1 2
          • (b) sex reproduction 1 2
          • (c) attachment 1 2
          • (d) caregiving 1 2
        • romantic relationshipdevelopment progresses through a four-phase sequence 1
          • initiation phase 1
            • young adolescentsexpand their self-concept to include being a romantic partner. 1
          • status phase 1
            • The status phase follows inwhich adolescents feel pressure for social acceptability; choosing the “right” romantic partners canimprove one’s social standing 1
          • affection phase 1
            • In the third phase the affection phase adolescents turn their attentionto the romantic partner deepening care and commitment and expanding sexual activity 1
          • bonding phase 1
            • Thebonding phase follows in which romanticism is combined with pragmatism (the reality of maintaininga relationship for the long term) and connection is balanced with individuality 1

      Chapter 20 . Romantic Relationship Initiation Following Relationship Dissolution 8 6

      • Why should we attempt to understand how new romantic relationships are initiated? This topic isimportant not only because virtually all ex-partners enter into another romantic relationship but alsobecause there is a wealth of evidence that there are both emotional and physical health benefits forthose who are in romantic relationships 8 1

        factors 8 3

        • finances 8 3
        • advancing age 8 3
        • the presence of children 8 3
        • different personal and relationship histories 8 3
        • differing goals and objectives for later relationships 8 3

        Theoretical Persp ectives and RelationshipInitiation Post Diss olution 9 7

        1. The investment model 9

        • The investment model a variant of social exchange theories suggests that relationship stabilityis most strongly determined by the levels of commitment that the relationship partners have to therelationship 9

          each partner’s level of commitment is determined by his orher level of relationship satisfaction the quality of perceived alternatives and the level of investmentsmade in the relationship. 9 1

          relationship satisfaction is based on the balance of rewardsto costs experienced in the relationship relative to the reward–cost ratio one expects to have (i.e. comparison level) 9 1

        2. The feminist perspective 9

        • The feminist perspective is important because it directs us to attend to how power and authorityare distributed in new relationships 9

          The feminist perspective is very compatible with the investment model as in the investmentmodel one could argue that having an egalitarian relationship is considered to be a relationshipreward and that being expected to perform (and actually performing) the majority of householdand childcare tasks is a cost. 4 –

        3. communication privacy management (CPM) theory 4

        • communication privacy management (CPM) theory individualscontinually face a dialectical dilemma between revealing and concealing personal information 4

          Thetheory delineates the factors that individuals consider in making these decisions and places communicationat the center of the process because the theory “focuses on the interplay of grantingor denying access to information that is defined as private” 4

        seven key tenets of the lifecourse perspective: 4 4

        • time 4 4
          • timerefers to several interacting dimensions of change that influence how new relationships are initiated including ontogenetic time (i.e. each individual’s particular stage of development) generationaltime (i.e. each individual’s and couple’s generational stage such as “baby boomers” or “GenerationXers”) and historical time (i.e. the particular cultural ethos and Zeitgeist of the era) 4 4
        • context 4 4
          • contextexamines how individuals’ and couples’ development is directly influenced by the environment andcircumstances in which they live their lives. 4 4
        • agency 4 4
          • Agency a third construct acknowledges that individualsand couples are not passive in their responses to environmental circumstances and changes overtime but are active in creating their own contexts (including their close relationships) and in creativelyadapting to changes in their environments 4 4
        • linked lives 4 4
          • linked lives is a concept that suggests that individuals’ development does not occur inisolation and that in particular individuals’ development is intertwined with that of others withwhom they are close. In terms of relationship initiation this notion suggests that two partners’ developingrelationship will be affected by linkages in their own personal development as well as linksbetween their development and that of others in their social networks 4
        • process 4 4
          • process refers to thenature of interactions as the new relationship unfolds including communication processes involvedin beginning new relationships how and when to disclose information about previous relationships how finances are managed the benefits and hindrances of social support and social networks andpossible differences in values. 4
        • meaning 4 4
          • Meaning is the term used to describe how individuals’ interpretationsand thoughts assigned to different life events influence their developmental trajectories. Alsoincluded in this aspect of the life course perspective are social cognitions that individuals have regarding their relationships in particular and relationships in general. 4
        • diversity. 4 4
          • diversity refers tothe notion that individuals’ and couples’ developmental paths are likely to differ depending on suchdimensions as race and ethnicity sexual orientation gender socioeconomic status nationality andage 4 –

        6 possible explanations for the more rapid relationship development 3

        • 1. The previous relationship may have been dissatisfying and there is the hope that enteringa new relationship will return one to the desired state of happiness. 3

          2. The initiator may be more adjusted to the ending of a relationship than the noninitiatorbecause he or she spent more time preparing for the dissolution. 3

          3. The initiator may be more capable of attracting new partners 3

          4. The initiator may have a personality that is more open to change 3

          5. A new partner may have been present before the previous relationship ended. 3

          6. Initiators may have idealistic views about and high expectations for marriage that eventhough they may have led to dissatisfaction in the prior relationship still persist and leadthe initiator to want to try again soon. 3

        6 types of postdivorceadjustment “personalities” 4 5

        • 1. enhancers 4 5
          • Enhancersbecome more competent and well-adjusted after a divorce and have much higher self-efficacy thanthose in the other types of adjustment. This group of mostly women eventually moves on into newmarriages that are more successful than the first marriage 4 5
        • 2. goodenoughs 4 5
          • Goodenoughs are described as the averageperson trying to cope with life and the changes associated with divorce. 4 5

            Goodenoughs exhibitqualities very similar to those of enhancers but are less well adjusted. The agency of the Goodenoughsis lower than that of the Enhancers. As a result Goodenoughs’ remarriages are often quitesimilar to their first marriage. 4 5

        • 3. seekers 4 5
          • Seekers quickly and actively seek new partners 4 5

            Seekers who arepredominantly men depend upon women for support and encouragement. 4 5

            They utilize agency inthe short term as they seek new partners but their agency becomes limited in the long term becausethey are independent and autonomous only until they secure another relationship 4 5

        • 4. swingers 4 5
          • Swingers enjoythe freedom of divorce and engage in serial uncommitted relationships of varying durations. 4 291

            Theypossess agency but use it for their own personal expression of emancipation from the previous marriage rather than for establishing committed intimate relationships. 4 291

        • 5. competent loners 4 5
          • Competent loners also exhibithigh levels of agency but choose to continue life without a partner. 4 291

            Their quality of life is high andthey utilize friend and social networks to alleviate potential loneliness. 4 291

        • 6. defeated 4 5
          • the defeated havelow levels of self-efficacy possess poor social skills and often partake in unhealthy behaviors suchas alcohol or drug abuse. 4 291

      Chapter 21. “Thanks but No Thanks…” : The Occurence and Management of Unwanted Relationship Pursuit 4 8

      • conjunctive affairs 4 1
        • Some relationships grow out of spontaneous interactions between people; others are strategicallysought. In either case relationships are normally thought of as conjunctive affairs 4 1

          Theiremergence and development suggest that the parties at least to some degree possess compatiblegoals experience forms of mutuality and coordinate their actions 4 1

      • disjunctive 4 1
        • some relationshipsare disjunctive in nature reflecting nonmutuality and a mismatching of goals and expectations 4 1

          One prototypical form of disjunctive relationship occurs when two people desire different levels ofconnection with one another 4 1

          Although relationship initiations can represent conjunctive efforts they exhibit disjunction when one person resists and eschews the efforts of another person 4 1

          to (a)begin a new relationship (b) initiate a new kind of relationship (e.g. escalate intimacy in an existingrelationship) or (c) rekindle a terminated relationship. 4 1

      • The Origins of Unwanted Relationship Pursuit 4 3
        • Unwanted relationship pursuit occurs when two individuals possess and pursue incompatible goalsregarding the type of relationship (if any) they desire to have with one another 4 3

          The incompatibilitymay simply reflect the fact that one person wants to interact and the other person does not 4 3

          Or itcan reveal itself when two people do not want to share the same kind of relationship such as whenone person desires friendship and the other pursues romance 4 3

          It should not be surprising that unwanted relationshipinitiations are commonplace. Attractions are not always mutual and most people can recall experiencesof unreciprocated lust and or unrequited love 4 3

          Often when romanticrelationships terminate one of the partners would prefer the relationship to continue 7 1

          Unwanted expressions of interest can befleeting and sometimes extinguished by ignoring them or by politely but strategically retreatingfrom the interaction 7 9

          Unwanted pursuit is problematic to the extent itbecomes persistent 7 9

          A common denominator of these forms of unwanted pursuit is the disjunctivegoal structure underlying the interaction 7 9

      • Persistence of Unwanted Relationship Pursuit 7 9
        • Persistence characterizes relationship initiations that are expressly rejected by the pursued partybut nevertheless repeated by the pursuer 7

          when a pursuedindividual explicitly conveys that the initiation behaviors are unwelcome continued or escalatedinitiation attempts represent excessive and sometimes obsessive behavior. 7

      • Mild persistence 1
        • Mild persistence involves typical affinity-seeking and flirtation behavior as well as maneuvers to bein proximity to the object of pursuit 1

          This includes pursuit behaviors such as unexpectedly “showingup” or approaching the object of pursuit in public places giving gifts and other tokens using thirdparties to obtain information or access to the object and contacting the object by telephone e-mail letters and the like 1

      • Moderately persistent 1
        • As pursuit becomes more pestering and invasive of the pursued person’s privacy it is moderatelypersistent and more aggravating and inconvenient 1

          Moderately persistent pursuit behaviors includesurveillance of the object of pursuit (i.e. observing following and driving by) trespassing stealinginformation stealing property badgering the object’s network members damaging the object’sreputation and other forms of harassment and intimidation 1

      • Severely Persistent 8
        • When pursuers behave desperately and are unrelenting in their pursuit activities persistenceseems “creepy” and is considered severe 8

          Severe pursuit can induce fear in the pursued individual(or at least the average person would be frightened) in which case the unwanted pursuit constitutesstalking 8

          Ironically the obsessive relationship pursuer can demonstratecoercive threatening abusive and violent behavior—actions that seem contrary to the goal of pursuinga relationship. 8

      • Factors That Contribute to the Persistenceof Unwanted Relationship Initiation 9 7
        • psychopathology 9 3
          • It is commonly assumed thatindividual pathologies such as borderline personality disorder antisocial personality disorder andschizophrenia might be root causes of stalking. Indeed in the population of stalkers who come tothe attention of law enforcement and forensic counseling such presenting diagnoses are not rare 9
        • interpersonal skill deficits 9 3
        • attachment losses. 9 3
      • Cultural and Contextual Catalysts of Unwanted Relationship Pursuit 9 6
        • Relationships are initiated and constructed in tacit ways. Because “the details of relationship definitionare neither explicitly negotiated nor precisely codified in verifiable text ” there is ample opportunityfor misunderstanding 9 7

          Ordinarily people do not explicitly discuss the relational implications of their utterances and gestures (Baxter & Wilmot 85). Rather theyenact “a web of ambiguity” by which they signal their relationship goals and intentions 4 8

          the relational meanings that two individuals respectively ascribe to their shared interactionscan diverge in significant ways 4 8

          One person’s casual conversation can be another person’s bidfor a more serious relationship. 4

          Flirtation can mean playful teasing to one person whereas it conveysserious sexual invitation to another 4

          Polite evasion of relationshipescalation cues can be taken as acceptance or encouragement. One can be the object of relationshippursuit and not even realize it. 4

          It is difficult to reject the intentions of another when it is not clearwhat the intentions are. In the absence of overt rejection relationship pursuit tends to persist 4

      • token resistance 4
        • contributing to the persistence of relationship pursuit is the occurrence of token resistance.Although studied originally in the context of feigning lack of interest in sex 4

          token resistanceextends to romantic relationship formation in the form of “playing hard to get.” 4

          Potential relationshippartners do not want to reciprocate romantic interest prematurely lest they be perceived as desperateor undiscerning. 4

          Moreover if a pursued object of affection initially rebuffs bids for a relationship then the pursuer presumably will value the relationship even more when it is attained 4

          Thus a pursuer may have difficulty determining if an initial rejection is token or real. Optimism tilts theinterpretation toward token 4

          Just as relationship initiations exhibit elements of ambiguity so do relationship breakups andreinitiations. Because breakups often are not mutually desired (e.g. Clark & Labeff 86; Hill et al. ) it is not uncommon for a former partner to seek reconciliation 4

      • persistence cultural script 4 3
        • Whether pursuing an initial relationship or attempting to reconcile a terminated one persistenceis fueled by the cultural script that success is a function of effort 4 3

          In virtually all facets of life weare taught 4 3

          “If at first you don’t succeed try try again” 4 3

          “No pain no gain”; 4 3

          “Quitters never win andwinners never quit” 4 3

          “Persistence pays off”; 4 3

          “If you fall off the horse get right back up in the saddle”; 4 3

          “Nice guys finish last.” 4 3

          Persistence is self-reinforcing precisely because it pays off so frequently and this appears to apply to the pursuit of relationships as much as it does to other important goals 4 4

          some degree of relationship pursuit persistence is normally expected and thereby toleratedby those who are pursued 4 4

      • trappings of romance and courtship 4 832
        • such as flowers and gifts contribute to mixed responses to unwantedrelationship pursuit 1 – 2

          These potent symbols serve to undermine a “sense of invasion by triggeringambivalence and confusion and thus masking the intrusive instrumental character of interactionthat follows the expressed desire that such interaction cease” 1 – 2

      • tacit moves and countermoves 1 – 2
        • The collective suggestion of these tacit moves and countermoves has led some to liken the processof courtship to a delicately choreographed game 1

          Games and their rules can be negotiated with lesser or greater clarity but one of the obvious complicating factors is that each individual in the game also is engagedin a constant process of sense making and sometimes that sense making goes wrong. 1

      • Relational Goal Pursuit Theory 1
        • Relational goal pursuit theory is predicated on the assumption that individuals pursue relationshipsbecause they are desired end states 1

          As with all goals the effort exerted to pursue a particularrelational goal is commensurate with the extent to which it is perceived to be desirable and attainable 1

          When goal achievement is blocked goalpursuit is intensified. 1

          Goal striving continues as long as the goal is seen as attainable and worth theeffort. 1 1

          When the costs of pursuing a goal exceed the value of its attainment or when goal achievementis deemed impossible then the goal is abandoned in favor of pursuing an alternative goal 1 1

          According to relational goal pursuit theory individuals who persistently pursue a relationship withanother person who expressly rejects the relationship tend to exaggerate the importance and feasibilityof their relational goal 1 1

          This leads the pursuer to experience a constellation of thoughts andemotions that drive escalated goal striving—that is intensified relationship goal pursuit. 1 1

      • Resp onses to Unwanted Relationship Pursuit 2 2
        • Much research and theory have examined the initiation progressive development deescalation andeventual ending of relationships. Far less examined are the processes involving “failure to launch” inrelationships: those relationships in which an attempt is made to initiate or escalate a relationship but the pursuer’s initiation is stalled by the response of the person pursued. There are however variousrelatively isolated literatures investigating peripherally related types of episodes. 2 8

      Chapter . Emotional Disturbances and the Initial Stages of Relationship Development: Processes and Consequences of Social Anxiety and Depression 2 1

      • social anxiety 3 4
        • Social anxiety is defined as a fear of being negatively evaluated embarrassed or judged byothers 3
      • Social anxiety can be regarded in two ways 3
        • personalitytrait 3
          • When it is viewed as a personalitytrait it is assumed to be a dimensional construct that is normally distributed in the general populationand correlates positively with discomfort in social and evaluative situations 3
        • clinical syndrome 3
          • withthe trait view of social anxiety diagnoses of social anxiety disorder (or social phobia as listed in theDSM) are categorical such that people either do or do not meet criteria for a diagnosis 3

            Diagnosesof social anxiety disorder are made when a person’s social anxiety exceeds a threshold such thatit causes significant life interference and or distress. 3

      • social anxiety disorder 3 2
        • (a) a marked or persistent fear of one or more social or performance situations in which the personis exposed to unfamiliar people or possible scrutiny by others for fear that he or she will act in away that is humiliating or embarrassing; 3 2

          (a) a marked or persistent fear of one or more social or performance situations in which the personis exposed to unfamiliar people or possible scrutiny by others for fear that he or she will act in away that is humiliating or embarrassing; 3 2

          (b) exposure to the feared social situation almost invariablyprovokes anxiety 3 2

          (b) exposure to the feared social situation almost invariablyprovokes anxiety 3 2

          (c) the person recognizes that the fear is excessive or unreasonable; 3 2

          (d) thefeared social or performance situations are avoided or else are endured with intense anxiety anddistress; 3 2

          (e) the avoidance anxious anticipation or distress in the feared social or performancesituation(s) significantly interferes with the person’s normal routine occupational or academic functioning or social activities and relationships or there is marked distress about having the disorder.Given that social anxiety by definition involves intense anxiety in and avoidance of the presence ofothers it is logical to assume that social anxiety would interfere with close relationships particularlythe development of new relationships when people are first getting to know each other 3 2

      • major depression disorder 3 2
        • characterized by at least five of the followingsymptoms that occur within at least a 2-week period 3 2

          (a) depressed mood 3 2

          (b) markedly diminishedinterest and pleasure in all or almost all activities 3 2

          (c) significant weight loss or weight gain or adecrease or increase in appetite; 3 2

          (d) insomnia or hypersomnia 3 2

          (e) psychomotor agitation or retardation 3 2

          (f) fatigue or loss of energy 3 2

          (g) feelings of worthlessness or inappropriate guilt; (h) diminishedability to think or concentrate or indecisiveness 3 2

          (i) recurrent thoughts of death suicide ideationwithout a specific plan a specific plan for committing suicide or a suicide attempt 3 2

      • social skills 4 4
        • a group of behaviors that enable an individual to effectively engage in maintain and succeed insocial interactions. These behaviors include the expression of both positive and negative emotions facial expressions the tone volume and speed of verbal expression posture and appropriatecontent. 4 4

          A socially skilled person will accurately perceive social cues evaluate their relevance to currentmotivations and goals and generate responses to advance these motivations and goals 4 4

      • Cognitive Tradition 5
      • Interpersonal Tradition 6 –
      • Social Anxiety and Relationship Initiation 4
        • The core features of social anxiety are avoidance of and distress in social and performance situationsin which a person believes there is a possibility of embarrassment humiliation or judgment. Sociallyanxious people would like to make a positive impression on others but doubt their ability to do so 4 7
      • Behavioral Tradition 4 4
      • Depress ion and Relationship Initiation
      • Intervention 4 –
      • Behavioral Intervention 4 –
        • Modeling 4 8
          • Modeling is a strategy by which patients learn socialskills by observing others which provides them with a guide for their own behavior and increasestheir confidence that success can be achieved. 4 8
        • Role playing 4 8
          • Role playing is a strategy in which patients practiceparticular communication and social skills strategies in session which allows the clinician to providespecific feedback to optimize patients’ performance. 4 2
        • homework assignments 4 2
          • homework assignments provide theopportunity for patients to practice their newly acquired skills in a naturalistic environment 4 2
      • Cognitive Intervention
        • cognitive restructuring
          • Cognitive interventions for emotional disturbances center on identifying and modifying situationalautomatic thoughts underlying core beliefs and pessimistic expectations a process called cognitiverestructuring

          Patients develop specific strategies to evaluate problematic situationsin a more balanced manner (e.g. “What’s the worst that can happen?” and “Does ____’s opinionreally reflect everyone else’s opinion?”).

          clinicians help emotionally impaired patientsto construct creative “experiments” to test out their maladaptive beliefs and expectations in theireveryday lives

      • Interpersonal Intervention 4 2
        • Interpersonal interventions not surprisingly focus on disruptions in close relationships andtheir association to psychiatric symptoms 4 2

          Patientsin IPT address conflicts and transitions in their current relationships and develop strategiesfor utilizing their social support network in times of stress 4 2

  • Section VI: Cognitions Beliefs and Memories about Relationship Initiation
    • Chapter 22. Relationship Beliefs and Their Role in Romantic Relationship Initiation 4 1
    • Chapter 23. “So How Did You Two Meet?” Narratives of Relationship Initiation 1
      • Almost anyone in a serious relationship has probably been asked at some point to tell the storyof how that relationship began. Friends eager for gossip about the latest prospect parentsprobing as to where their offspring met a potential suitor children at an anniversary partycurious as to where their parents’ relationship began: 3

        To summarize in previous research higher relational well-being has been associatedwith relationship initiation stories that 4 8

        (a) were agreed on readily by both partners 4 8

        (b) were notparticularly romantic emotional or dramatic in tone; 4 8

        (c) reflected a we orientation 4 8

    • Chapter 25. The Role of Ideal Standards in Relationship Initiation Processes 5 4 1
      • Relationship-based knowledge structures involve three interlocking components 5 5

        (a) the self 5 5

        (b)the partner 5 5

        (c) the relationship 5 5

        Goals expectations and beliefs aboutideals should exist where the self the partner and the relationship intersect. 5 5

        Ideal standards therefore combine elements of the actual self the ideal partner and the ideal relationship 5 5

        ideal partner and ideal relationship standards should be stored and represented cognitivelyas separate semi-independent constructs 5 5

    • Chapter 26 . Perceptions of Goals and Motives in Romantic Relationships 5 1
      • Why People Care About a Prosp ectivePartner’s Goals and Motives 5 2
        • Imagine a social world in which you never thought about otherpeople’s goals and motives. For instance suppose you are sitting in an airport bar when an attractivestranger sidles up next to you and offers to buy you a drink. If you lacked a “theory of mind” that preventedyou from understanding other people’s desires and expectations (Malle & Hodges 5) youwould respond solely on the basis of your own inclination for another drink (and perhaps your flightschedule). Such a narrow interpretation of your new acquaintance’s behavior is characteristic ofcertain forms of autism (Baron-Cohen & Belmonte 5). Most adults would read quite a bit moreinto the stranger’s offer. They might infer that the stranger is lonely and wants a conversation partneror perhaps even that the stranger finds them attractive and is seeking a sexual partner. In general ifyou fail to engage in mind-reading—including making inferences about others’ goals—you will haveno chance of understanding the real meaning behind other people’s actions 5

          Along with furthering your understanding of prospective partners an appreciation of goals andmotives may allow you to better predict and control your interactions with them 5

          Forexample if you are happily married or otherwise committed to another person it may be importantto steer clear of persons who desire more intimacy than you do. 5

          The consequences of not doing socould include awkward interchanges hurt feelings and possibly aggressive confrontations 5

          Some evolutionary psychologists believe that we are “hard-wired” to read motives into otherpeople’s actions 5

          Early humans who understood the motives and desires of friends and enemiescould better anticipate their actions and thereby gained a survival advantage. 5

          it is often important to holdaccurate perceptions about the goals of a prospective or current relationship partner 5 6

          it is important that your partner’s goals meshwell with your own goals. 5 6

          Partners with similar goals (e.g. “climbing the corporate ladder”) mayinitially experience greater attraction or “hit it off ” 5 6

          But compatibility of goals may matter even more in the long run 5 6

    • Chapter 27. Ending the Beginning of Relationships
  • Compiled By:
    • blindcaveman.wordpress.com
    • Rigel Arcayan

MindMap-BookSummary-PowerListening

MindMap-BookSummary-PowerListening

  • About Power Listening
    • Date: September 2012
    • Author: By Bernard T. Ferrari
    • ISBN: 978-159184462
    • 208 pages
  • Chapters:
    • 1. Listening Is Worth the Effort
    • 2. What Kind of Listener Are You?
    • 3. Respect Your Conversation Partner
    • 4. How to Keep Quite-Most of the Time
    • 5. Challenge All Assumptions
    • 6. Keeping Your Focus
    • 7. What is the Mandate?
    • 8. What is the Plan?
    • 9. What is the Team?
    • 10. How Will We Get it Done?
    • 11. Is It getting Personal?
    • 12. Connecting Better Listening to Better Judgment
    • 13. Changing Your Organization through Listening
    • Conclusion: What to do on Monday Morning
  • Listening Actively:
    • Take nothing that you hear for granted, and try to sustain respect for the ideas of each of your colleagues.

      Keep quiet! You have to get out of the way of the conversation in order to hear what’s important.

  • The Filing System:
    • 1. Get to the mandate. Sometimes simply getting clarity on the specific dream, aspiration, or organizational mission underlying the discussion can make all the difference.

      2. Understand the plan. How are we going to get from A to B? We have to understand each individual step if we want to be able to navigate toward a successful outcome.

      3. Know who is on the team. Is this discussion about people and how they will work together?

      4. Be aware of how well you are executing. Build your understanding around the risks and rewards, measurements, and accountability that will drive effective execution of the plan.

      5. Be mindful of the personal. People are not automatons. Character and personality traits can impact what information is being offered.

  • Active Listening:
    • 1. Listening is purposeful. A disciplined businessperson enters a conversation with a clear understanding of what it needs to accomplish.

      2. Listening requires control. Even when you’re on the receiving end of a communication, you need to steer and filter the incoming information in order to accomplish your purpose.

      3. Listening requires total focus and engagement. When you listen with intent, you must bring a heightened awareness to the conversation, so that you can formulate the right questions and generate the necessary interjections and interruptions (a subject I’ll talk about in more depth later) to advance the conversation productively.

      4. Listening is the front end of decision making. It’s the surest,

  • 6 Types of Bad Listeners
    • #1. The Opinionator
      • The Opinionator listens to others primarily to determine whether or not their ideas conform to what he or she already believes to be true. Opinionators may appear to be listening closely, but they aren’t listening with an open mind and instead often use their silences as opportunities to “reload.” While Opinionators may have good intentions, the effect of this listening style is to make conversation partners uncomfortable or even to intimidate them. Opinionators routinely squelch their colleagues’ ideas.
    • #2. The Grouch
      • The Grouches are poor listeners who are blocked by a feeling of certainty that your idea is wrong. One typical grouch, a top executive I worked with at an industrial company, made no secret of his contempt for other people’s ideas. He approached conversations as a necessary evil and sent the implicit message: “You’re full of it. You’re a fool. Why did you think I’d be interested in this?” Through perseverance, people could get through to him in conversations, painful though that was. However, many of his colleagues simply didn’t have the energy to break down his barriers every time they needed to express an idea to him.
    • #3. The Preambler
      • The Preambler’s windy lead-ins and questions are really stealth speeches, often intended to box conversation partners into a corner. Preamblers use questioning to steer the discussion, send warnings, or generate a desired answer. I remember a meeting with one Preambler, the chairman and CEO of a medical complex, who (by my watch) spent 15 minutes posing slanted questions and making rhetorical assertions that all supported a recommendation he wanted to make to his board. Such behavior epitomizes one-way communication.
    • #4. The Perservator
      • Perseverators talk a lot without saying anything. If you pay close attention to one of these poor listeners, you’ll find that their comments and questions don’t advance the conversation. As often as not, Perseverators are editing on the fly and fine-tuning their thoughts through reiteration. Perseverators use the thoughts of their conversation partners to support their own prejudices, biases, or ideas. When talking to one, you may feel that the two of you are having completely different conversations.
    • #5. The Answer Man
      • Everyone wants to solve problems, but Answer Man spouts solutions before there is even a consensus about the challenge—a clear signal that input from conversation partners isn’t needed. Answer Man may appear at first to be an Opinionator. But the latter is motivated by strong feelings of being right, while the former is desperately eager to please and impress. You know you are speaking to Answer Man if your conversation partner can’t stop providing solutions and has ready answers for any flaws you point out, as well as quick rejoinders to all the points you raise.
    • #6. The Pretender
      • Pretenders feign engagement and even agreement but either aren’t interested in what you’re saying or have already made up their minds. The worst Pretender I ever met was the CEO of a health care company who had all the right moves: he seemed to hang on every word uttered, for example, and frequently won people over with a knowing, empathetic smile. That gave his conversation partners every indication that he was processing their words and agreeing with them. Yet eventually his colleagues would realize that he had not acted on anything they’d said or, worse, didn’t have access to that information when it came time to make decisions or take action.
  • How To Improve Your Listening Skills
    • 1. Show Respect-respect your conversation partner no matter what
    • 2. Keep Quiet-use 80/20 rule. 80% listening, 20% talking
    • 3. Challenge Assumptions-seek to understand and challenge what they say-the assumptions
  • 5 Questions To Ask Before Interrupting
    • 1. Do I need any clarification?
    • 2. Do I want to hear more about this issue, or one that has come before?
    • 3. Do I need to parse an issue to focus on a certain aspect?
    • 4. Do I want to head down a different line of discussion?
    • 5. Is there a counterargument or new perspective
    • 6. Do I need to end the conversation?
  • Keep Focus:
    • 1. Compartmentalizing-Managing external stimuli
    • 2. Decoupling-process of separating your emotions from the substance of the conversation
    • 3. Get to the POINT and don’t repeat
  • Sorting the Chaos
    • 1. Identify what a conversation is all about
    • 2. Capture the information that matters from any conversation or meeting
    • 3. Steer a conversation in order to ensure that you gather all that information
    • 4. Know how to sort and process the information received
    • 5. File away the information so you can remember, recall, and use it when necessary
  • File Drawers
    • 1. Mandate
    • 2. Plan
    • 3. Team
    • 4. Execution
    • 5. Personal
  • Improtant Questions
    • A. What is the Mandate?
      • 1. Why are we here?
      • 2. Are there any misalignments?
      • 3. Can we work with this mandate?
      • 4. Does the mandate capture the imagination and energy of the leadership team?
      • 5. Can the mandate be communicated more broadly to all the stakeholders?
      • 6. Can the mandate be translated into a plan?
    • B. What is the Plan?
      • 1. What are you going to do now?
      • 2. What are the specific objectives that begin to move a company toward its mandate?
      • 3. What are the specific initiatives that will help achieve the objectives?
      • 4. What is the timeline?
      • 5. What assets are required, and are they available?
      • 6. What are the risks we will be facing?
    • C. What is the Team?
      • 1. What capabilities do we need?
      • 2. What are the mind-sets of the team members?
      • 3. What are roles of the team members?
      • 4. Will this assignment be goo for the individual on the team
      • 5. What are the inescapable realities?
      • 6. How is the chemistry?
      • 7. What are the consequences of the performance?
    • D. How will we get it done?
      • 1. How are we making decision?
      • 2. Are we getting the right information at the right time?
      • 3. How do we manage complexity?
      • 4. Do we have a rhythm?
    • E. Is it getting personal?
      • 1. What does this person value?
      • 2. What are the individual’s aspirations?
      • 3. How does this person interact with colleagues and others?
      • 4. What is the person’s level of self-awareness?
  • What to do on Monday Morning?
    • 1. Keep quiet.
    • 2. Challenge assumptions.
    • 3. Focus on what you need to know.
    • 4. Increase your tolerance for ambiguity and uncertainty.
    • 5. Sort incoming information into the appropriate file drawers and folders.
    • 6. Work your memory to gain insights.
    • 7. Know when to pull the trigger.
    • 8. Demonstrate the best listening practices to lift everyone’s game.
  • Change your organization through Listening
    • 1. Foster a more disciplined and productive organization.
    • 2. Ensure the free and open flow of information and ideas.
    • 3. Establish a reverence for fact-based discussions.
    • 4. Generate new insights and more creative solutions.
    • 5. Build an organization that excites and energizes its people.
  • What do you think about the book?
    • The book is well written. I like what he wrote in his acknowledgement section that he will try to present the subject matter with the” applicability” in mind and to deliver the message with less prose. The author did exactly what he said will do-deliver the message with clarity and brevity. I hope all authors are like him-to the point and no extra run around the corner theory and examples. This is not a defined HOWTO book on listening. You have to think and digest on every point he is explaining and then apply it slowly to real life experiences. One morning after reading the first few chapters the night before, I was in a meeting with my small team at work and I noticed immediately the archetypes. I’m normally a very quiet/silent person by choice long before I’ve read this book but I did not know how to listen well. Knowing now the key concepts of Power Listening, it made me a better listener.

      The idea of Power Listening mentioned in this book is focused on people. But as I was reading the book and now I’m writing a summary, it occurred to me that the application of Power Listening is not just limited to the realm of being in a conversation with someone or being in a group of people in a meeting or an interaction between a leader and a subordinate or a relationship between a husband and wife or the leadership between a parent and child. I saw more.

      Think of a problem at work or home, if you apply the concepts of Power Listening and avoid the 6 archetypes of a bad listener, you can make way of a better judgment on what to do next. Don’t jump to conclusion when you see a slight victory, let the situation mellow down by listening to the data and outcome. Listen to the data available before taking any action to any situation.

  • Conclusions:
    • If you don’t have time to read this book, immerse on this idea when you are in a conversation with somebody:

      “Take nothing that you hear for granted, and try to sustain respect for the ideas of each of your colleagues. The next step may seem obvious: Keep quiet! You have to get out of the way of the conversation in order to hear what’s important”.p5

  • Recommendations:
    • 1. Read this book.

      2. Use the Kindle version if you have a tablet. I’ve read this book mostly before going to sleep and waking up.

      3. Read one chapter at a time and then apply at work, co-worker or at home. I used my wife and son as the guinea pig. One time, my wife confided me about a bad situation at her workplace. She was feeling bad about the situation and here she is telling me everything and I had no idea where the subject was going. Instead of cutting her off and telling her that I’m not interested about her workplace negative reports, I told her to go on and I listened well. In the end, I noticed that all she wanted was to release the tension inside her head. For me, I learned that sometimes a person just needs somebody to listen – you don’t really have to do anything else.

      4. Be Quite. Give it a try! You’ll be amazed how much you hear around you. [not just inner voices of people, but data, insights and wisdom]

  • Compiled By:
    • blindcaveman.wordpress.com
    • Rigel Arcayan

Mindmap-Book Summary-PersonalKanban

Mindmap-Book Summary-PersonalKanban

  • About Personal Kanban
    • Date Read: April 30, 2016
    • Author: Jim Benson
    • ISBN: 978-0-578-07985-1
    • 232 pages
    • MyRating: 5 Stars
  • CHAPTER 1-The Basics of Personal Kanban
    • The Basics of Personal Kanban
      • Your boss wants you to finish that report.
      • Your accountant wants you to file your taxes
      • Your friends want you to show up for tee time
      • Your garden wants you to prune the hydrangea
      • Your daughter wants you to attend her recital
      • Your father wants you to call your mother. It’s been two weeks you know
      • Your bathroom wants you to re-caulk the tub
      • Your spouse wants you to just be present.
    • Towards a More Personal Kanban 27 9
    • Rules for a System That Abhors Rules 8
    • Why Visualize Your Work: Navigate Safely 3
    • Why Limit Your WIP 3
    • Why Call it Personal Kanban 8
    • How to Use This Book
    • PKFlow Tips 2
      • 1. Personal Kanban is an information radiator for your work
      • 2. Existential overhead mounts when work is conceptual
      • 3. Visualization makes the conceptual tangible
      • 4. We can’t do more work than we can handle
      • 5. Limiting WIP promotes completion and clarity
      • 6. Flexible systems adapt to changes in context.
  • CHAPTER 2-Building Your First Personal Kanban
    • Building Your First Personal Kanban
    • Step One: Get Your Stuff Ready 3
    • Step Two: Establish Your Value Stream 8
    • Step Three: Establish Your Backlog 8
    • Step Four: Establish Your WIP Limit 3
    • Step Five: Begin to Pull 2
    • Step Six: Reflect 2 2
    • Personal Kanban Power Boosters 3
    • What it All Means 9 8
    • PKFlow Tips 9
      • 1. Let your context be your guide—change your Personal Kanban as needed
      • 2. Be honest about your backlog.
      • 3. Your value stream may be adapted for specific projects.
      • 4. Visualizing the nature of your work is the key to seeing what is reallyhappening.
      • 6. Expect the unexpected
  • CHAPTER 3-My Time Management is in League with the Freeway
    • My Time Management is in League with the Freeway 293
    • Flow Like Traffic 6
    • Setting WIP Limits 86
    • Living the Days of Our Lives 89 7
    • Clarity Calms Carl 8
    • To-do Lists: Spawns of the Devil 96
    • PKFlow Tips 5
      • 1. Manage work with flow and throughput not time and capacity 5
      • 2. Like traffic work doesn’t fit it flows 5
      • 3. Capacity is a spatial relationship throughput is a flow relationship 5
      • 4. WIP limits can change with context 5
      • 5. Thoughtful prioritization and completion beats rigorous up-front planning 5
      • 6. Understanding our options is liberating 5
  • CHAPTER 4-Nature Flows
    • Nature Flows 5 3
    • Flow: Work’s Natural Movement 6 6
    • Cadence: Work’s Beat 9
    • Slack: Avoiding Too Many Notes 396
    • Pull Flow Cadence and Slack in Action 1
    • Busboy Wisdom: The Nature of Pull 6
    • PKFlow Tips 1 3
      • 1. Life is a balance of order and chaos 1

        2. Patterns and contexts are often emergent. Don’t lock yourself into plansbefore you have enough information 1

        3. Our actions today impact our choices tomorrow 1

        4. Pull flow and cadence give clarity to how we work and which optionsare appropriate to select 1

        5. Push is a blind act. Pull is informed 1

        6. Pulling is optimal being pushed is inevitable. Semper Gumby. Alwaysflexible 1

  • CHAPTER 5-Components of a Quality Life
    • Components of a Quality Life 1 2
    • Metacognition: A Cure for the Common Wisdom 7 3
    • Productivity Efficiency and Effectiveness 1
    • Defining a Good Investment 3 351
    • Reality Check 5 8
    • PKFlow Tips 6 5
      • 1. Visualization dispels fear 7 –
      • 2. Clarity lets us improve not only our decisions but our decision-makingprocesses 7 –
      • 3. Productivity without effectiveness is waste 7 –
      • 4. Notable bursts of effectiveness are the heart of a peak experience 7 –
      • 5. Repeatable peak experiences enable kaizen 7 –
      • 6. Understanding our work and how we prioritize allows us to find balancebetween push and pull 7 –
  • CHAPTER 6-Finding Our Priorities
    • Finding Our Priorities 7 2
    • Structure Clarity and Our Ability to Prioritize 1 1
    • Smaller Faster Better: 1 3
      • Controlling Task Size and Limiting WIP 1 3
    • Prioritization in Theory and Practice 5 8
    • Urgency & Importance 1 7
    • Live Your Own Life 3 3
    • Expert: Metrics in Personal Kanban 7 9
    • PKFlow Tips 8 5
      • 1. Expertise is no substitute for observation and measurement
      • 2. Clarity drives prioritization completion and effectiveness
      • 3. Metrics don’t have to be difficult
      • 4. Visual controls remove guesswork
      • 5. Real-time flexiblity beats rigid up-front planning
      • 6. Happiness may be the best measure of success
  • CHAPTER 7-Strive for Improvement
    • Strive for Improvement 673
    • Clarity Conquers All 1 6
    • Course Corrections: 1 6
      • The Reality of Reprioritization 1 6
    • The Bedrock of Introspection 1 8
    • Retrospectives 2 893
    • Solving Problems at Their Source 6 1
    • PKFlow Tips 5 1
      • 1. Heroes are often misapplied. 5 1
      • 2. Clarity is the cornerstone of growth 5 1
      • 3. Growth requires retrospection and introspection. 5 1
      • 4. Course corrections are necessary in any endeavor 5 1
      • 5. Retrospectives give us the time to balance long and short term needs 5 1
      • 6. Solve problems at their source don’t be fooled by the obvious answer 5 1
  • ENDGAME
    • Endgame 1
    • APPENDIX A 5
    • Personal Kanban Design Patterns 4
    • Jessica’s Story: Future in Progress and 1 4
      • Multiple Value Streams 1 4
    • Sequestering Approach: 6
      • Dealing with Repetitive Tasks 6
    • Emergency Response Approach: 2
      • Taming Unexpected Workloads 2
    • Time Capsule Approach 2
    • Balanced Throughput Approach 2 6
  • Compiled By:
    • blindcaveman.wordpress.com
    • Rigel Arcayan

Mindmap-Book SummaryPersonality Types

Mindmap-Book SummaryPersonality Types

  • About Enneagram Personality Types
  • Triad
    • A. Feeling
      • 2. The Helper:
        • caring

          generous

          possessive

          manipulative.

          Helpers who need to be needed

          Twos essentially feel that they are worthy insofar as they are helpful to others. Love is their highest ideal. Selflessness is their duty. Giving to others is their reason for being. Involved, socially aware, usually extroverted, Twos are the type of people who remember everyone’s birthday and who go the extra mile to help out a co-worker, spouse or friend in need

      • 3. The Motivator:
        • adaptable

          ambitious

          image-conscious

          hostile.

          Focused on the presentation of success, to attain validation

          Threes need to be validated in order to feel worthy; they pursue success and want to be admired. They are frequently hard working, competetive and are highly focused in the pursuit of their goals, whether their goal is to be the most successful salesman in the company or the “sexiest” woman in their social circle

      • 4. The Individualist:
        • intuitive

          expressive

          self-absorbed

          depressive.

          Identity seekers, who feel unique and different

          Fours build their identities around their perception of themselves as being somehow different or unique; they are thus self-consciously individualistic. They tend to see their difference from others as being both a gift and a curse – a gift, because it sets them apart from those they perceive as being somehow “common,” and a curse, as it so often seems to separate them from the simpler forms of happiness that others so readily seem to enjoy

    • B. Thinking
      • 5. The Investigator:
        • perceptive

          original

          detached

          eccentric.

          Thinkers who tend to withdraw and observ

          Fives essentially fear that they don’t have enough inner strength to face life, so they tend to withdraw, to retreat into the safety and security of the mind where they can mentally prepare for their emergence into the world. Fives feel comfortable and at home in the realm of thought. They are generally intelligent, well read and thoughtful and they frequently become experts in the areas that capture their interest

      • 6. The Loyalist:
        • engaging

          committed

          defensive

          paranoid.

          Conflicted between trust and distrust

          Sixes essentially feel insecure, as though there is nothing quite steady enough to hold onto. At the core of the type Six personality is a kind of fear or anxiety. Sixes don’t trust easily; they are often ambivalent about others, until the person has absolutely proven herself, at which point they are likely to respond with steadfast loyalty

      • 7. The Enthusiast:
        • enthusiastic

          accomplished

          uninhibited

          manic.

          Pleasure seekers and planners, in search of distraction

          Sevens are essentially concerned that their lives be an exciting adventure. They are future oriented, restless people who are generally convinced that something better is just around the corner. They are quick thinkers who have a great deal of energy and who make lots of plans. They tend to be extroverted, multi-talented, creative and open minded

    • C. Instinctive
      • 8. The Leader:
        • self-confident

          decisive

          dominating

          combative

          Taking charge, because they don’t want to be controlled

          Eights are essentially unwilling to be controlled, either by others or by their circumstances; they fully intend to be masters of their fate. Eights are strong willed, decisive, practical, tough minded and energetic. They also tend to be domineering; their unwillingness to be controlled by others frequently manifests in the need to control others instead

      • 9. The Peacemaker:
        • peaceful

          reassuring

          complacent

          neglectful.

          Keeping peace and harmony

          Nines essentially feel a need for peace and harmony. They tend to avoid conflict at all costs, whether it be internal or interpersonal. As the potential for conflict in life is virtually ubiquitous, the Nine’s desire to avoid it generally results in some degree of withdrawal from life, and many Nines are, in fact, introverted. Other Nines lead more active, social lives, but nevertheless remain to some to degree “checked out,” or not fully involved, as if to insulate themselves from threats to their peace of mind

      • 1. The Reformer:
        • principled

          orderly

          perfectionistic

          self-righteous.

          Ones are essentially looking to make things better, as they think nothing is ever quite good enough. This makes them perfectionists who want to reform and improve, who desire to make order out of the omnipresent chaos

  • Triad2
    • Feeling Center
      • 2. Considerate helper
        • caring
        • generous
        • friendly
        • warm
      • 3. Competitive Achiever
        • ambitious
        • focused
        • adaptable
        • shrewed
      • 4. Intense Creative
        • creative
        • deep
        • emotional
        • expressive
    • Thinking Center
      • 5. Quite Specialist
        • cerebral
        • curious
        • detached
      • 6. Loyal Sceptic
        • cautious
        • loyal
        • anxious
        • alert
      • 7. Enthusiastic Visionary
        • optimistic
        • spontaneous
        • uninhibited
        • keen
    • Action Center
      • 8. Active Controller
        • self-assured
        • assertive
        • decisive
        • direct
      • 9. Adaptive Peacemaker
        • patient
        • non-aggressive
        • accomodating
        • easy going
      • 1. Strict Perfectionist
        • concientious
        • perfectionist
        • critical
        • controlled
  • Ego Levels of Development
    • Healthy
      • Level 1-The Level of Liberation
      • Level 2-The Level of Psychological Capacity
      • Level 3-The Level of Social Value
      • Level 4-The Level of Imbalance/ Social Role
    • Average
      • Level 5-The Level of Interpersonal Control
      • Level 6-The Level of Overcompensation
      • Level 7-The Level of Violation
    • Unhealthy
      • Level 8-The Level of Obsession and Compulsion
      • Level 9-The Level of Pathological Destructiveness
  • Values
    • To be right
      • conscience
      • logical consistency
      • justice
      • rectitude
      • self-discipline
      • principles
      • morality
      • ethics
    • To be appreciated
      • being needed
      • religious faith
      • warm feelings for others
      • friendship
      • altruism
      • love
      • community
    • To be successful
      • self-development
      • achievement
      • recognition
      • success
      • physical appearance
      • good reputation
      • popularity
    • To be original
      • creativity
      • aesthetic beauty
      • authenticity
      • self-expression
      • being true to themselves
      • personal freedom
      • having deep feelings
    • To be competent
      • knowledge
      • intelligence
      • originality
      • perceptiveness
      • understanding
      • foresight
      • certitude
      • effeciency
    • To be secure
      • loyalty
      • obedience
      • responsibility
      • duty
      • cooperation
      • hard work
      • persistence
      • security
      • welfare of close people
    • To be happy
      • happiness
      • experience
      • accomplishment
      • sensual pleasure
      • material possesions
      • being amused and excited
      • having a variety of experience
    • To be strong
      • power
      • influence
      • wealth
      • self-assertiveness
      • independence
      • respect of others
      • greatness
      • immortality
      • being in control
      • physical survival
    • To be at peace
      • emotional well-being
      • acceptance of what it is
      • traditional values
      • peace
      • unity
      • harmony
      • social stability
  • 9 Personality Types: Summary
    • 1. The Reformer:
      • Holy Idea
        • Holy Pefection
      • Virtue
        • Serenity [absence of mental stress or anxiety]
      • Fixation
        • Resentment [Judging]
      • Negative Passion
        • Anger
      • Basic Fear
        • Of being bad, imbalanced, defective, corrupt
      • Basic Desire
        • To be good, to have integrity
      • In Search of
        • Integrity and Improvement
      • Healthy Sense of Self
        • “I am reasonable, objective person”
      • Hidden Complaint
        • “I am right most of the time-others should listen to me.”
      • Defense Mechanism
        • Repression, reaction formation, displacement
      • Temptations
        • Extreme sense of personal moral obligation
      • Saving Grace
        • Objective and sensible
      • Structural Patterns
        • Objectivity
      • Cognitive Error
        • To identify with the superego
      • Parental Orientation
        • Disconnected from their protective figure
      • Key Motivation
        • Want to be right
        • To have integrity and balance
        • To strive higher and improve others
        • To be consistent with their ideals
        • To justify themselves
        • To be beyond criticism so as not to be condemned by anyone.
      • At Their Best
        • Extraordinarily wise
        • Discerning
        • Realistic
        • Humane
        • Inspiring
        • Hopeful
      • Healthy
        • Conscientious
        • Strong personal convictions
        • Intense sense of right and wrong
        • Strong personal and moral values
        • Rational
        • Reasonable
        • Self-disciplined
        • Mature
        • Moderate in all things
        • Highly principled
        • Strive to be fair
        • Objective
        • Ethical
        • Sense of responsibility
        • Strong personal integrity
        • Have a higher purpose
      • Average
        • Dissatisfied with reality
        • High-minded idealists
        • Feeling that it is up to them to improve everything
        • Crusaders
        • Advocates
        • Critics
        • Embrace “causes” and point out how things “ought” to be
        • Afraid of making a mistake
        • Everything must be consistent with their ideals.
        • Orderly and well-organized, but impersonal, Rigid, emotionally constricted
        • Keeping their feelings and impulses in check
        • Workaholics—”anal-compulsive,”
        • Punctual, pedantic, and fastidious
        • Highly critical both of self and others
        • Picky, judgmental, perfectionistic
        • Very opinionated about everything
        • Correcting people and badgering them to “do the right thing”—as they see it.
        • Impatient, never satisfied with anything unless it is done according to their prescriptions.
        • Moralizing
        • Scolding
        • Abrasive
        • Indignantly angry.
      • Unhealthy
        • Highly dogmatic

          Self-righteous

          Intolerant

          Inflexible

          Begin dealing in absolutes

          They alone know “the Truth”

          Everyone else is wrong

          Make very severe judgments of others, while rationalizing their own actions

          Obsessive about imperfection and the wrongdoing of others

          Act in contradictory ways, hypocritically doing the opposite of what they preach

          Condemnatory, punitive, and cruel in order to rid themselves of whatever they believe is disturbing them

          Severe depression, nervous breakdowns, and suicide attempts are likely.

      • Level 1 Healthy
        • The Wise Realist
      • Level 2 Healthy
        • The Reasonable Person
      • Level 3 Healthy
        • The Principled Teacher
      • Level 4 Average
        • The Idealistic Reformer
      • Level 5 Average
        • The Orderly Person
      • Level 6 Average
        • The Judgmental Perfectionist
      • Level 7 Unhealthy
        • The Intolerant Misanthrope [dislikes people]
      • Level 8 Unhealthy
        • The Obsessive Hypocrite
      • Level 9 Unhealthy
        • The Punitive Avenger
      • Characteristics
        • I can feel irritated for no special reason.
        • Getting the job done right is more important than getting the job done fast.
        • As a child, I was more serious and realistic than many other children.
        • No one’s more critical of me than I am of myself.
        • I like to concentrate on exactly one thing at a time and do not appreciate distractions.
        • As a parent or guardian, I’m more strict than permissive.
        • People who don’t take things seriously annoy me.
        • I’ve been called a perfectionist, although I don’t feel very perfect.
        • I want to be certain that I’m meeting my own high standards for conduct.
        • When I care about people, I want to improve their behavior.
        • Upholding ethics and principles is extremely important to me.
        • I have a very active inner critic.
        • I find it hard not to judge people too harshly.
        • I feel quite guilty when I get angry without justification.
        • Friends sometimes tell me I’m too hard on myself.
        • I become tense or critical more easily than most people.
        • In intimate relationships, I often experience jealous feelings, even though I don’t approve of them.
        • The words “should” and “ought” crop up a lot in my thinking.
        • Sometimes I feel like I’m just going to explode.
        • Knowing I’m correct takes the edge off the tension I feel.
    • 2. The Helper:
      • Holy Idea
        • Holy Will, Holy Freedom
      • Virtue
        • Humility [lack of false pride]
      • Fixation
        • Flattery [Ingratiation]
      • Negative Passion
        • Pride
      • Basic Fear
        • Of being unloved
      • Basic Desire
        • To feel love
      • In Search of
        • Intimacy
      • Healthy Sense of Self
        • “I am caring, loving person”
      • Hidden Complaint
        • “I am always loving, others take me for granted”
      • Defense Mechanism
        • Identification, Reaction Formation, Denial
      • Temptations
        • Without needs, well intentioned
      • Saving Grace
        • Genuine Empathy
      • Structural Patterns
        • Indirection
      • Cognitive Error
        • Value based on positive response from others
      • Parental Orientation
        • Ambivalent [uncertain] to the protective figure
      • Key Motivation
        • Want to be loved
        • To express their feelings for others
        • To be needed and appreciated
        • To get others to respond to them
        • To vindicate their claims about themselves
      • At Their Best
        • Deeply unselfish
        • Humble
        • Altruistic
        • Giving unconditional love to self and others
        • Feel it is a privilege to be in others’ lives
        • Radiantly joyful and gracious.
      • Healthy
        • Empathetic
        • Compassionate
        • Feeling with and for others
        • Caring and concerned about their needs
        • Outgoing and passionate
        • Offer friendship and kindness.
        • Thoughtful, warm-hearted, forgiving, and sincere
        • Encouraging and appreciative
        • Able to see the good in others
        • Dedicated and supportive of people
        • Bringing out the best in people
        • Nurturing
        • Generous
        • Truly loving people
      • Average
        • Engage in “people pleasing”
        • Becoming overly friendly
        • Emotionally demonstrative
        • Full of “good intentions”
        • Bestow seductive attention on others
        • Approval
        • Flattery
        • Talkative especially about love and their relationships
        • Become overly intimate and intrusive
        • Need to be needed
        • Hover, meddle, and control in the name of love
        • Want others to depend on them
        • Give, but expect a return.
        • Send mixed messages
        • Enveloping and possessive
        • The self-sacrificial
        • Creating needs for themselves to fulfill
        • Increasingly self-important and self-satisfied
        • Feel they are indispensable
        • Seek specific forms of repayment for their help
        • Hypochondria
        • Becoming a “martyr” for others
        • Overbearing
        • Patronizing
        • Presumptuous
      • Unhealthy
        • Manipulative and self-serving

          Instilling guilt by making others feel indebted to them

          Abuse food and medications to “stuff feelings” and get sympathy.

          Undermine people by making belittling, disparaging remarks.

          Extremely self-deceptive about their motives

          Selfish

          Aggressive

          Domineering

          Coercive

          Feel entitled to get anything they want from others

          Bitterly resentful

          Angry

          Somatization of their aggressions results in chronic health problems as they vindicate themselves by “falling apart” and burdening others.

      • Level 1 Healthy
        • The Disinterested Altruist [welfare of others]
      • Level 2 Healthy
        • The Caring Person
      • Level 3 Healthy
        • The Nurturing Helper
      • Level 4 Average
        • The Effusive Friend
      • Level 5 Average
        • The Possessive “Intimate”
      • Level 6 Average
        • The Self Important Saint
      • Level 7 Unhealthy
        • The Self Deceptive Manipulator
      • Level 8 Unhealthy
        • The Coercive Dominator
      • Level 9 Unhealthy
        • The Psychosomatic Victim
      • Characteristics
        • I hate asking for help, even though I like giving it.
        • I find it hard to hold back when it comes to offering help and advice.
        • I take pride in the way I put people at ease.
        • It’s hard not to cry when I feel sentimental, even when I’m in public.
        • I find it unnerving to talk with people who don’t seem emotionally engaged.
        • I’m so much more of a heart person than a head person.
        • There’s nothing I enjoy like making introductions and helping people get to know one another.
        • I can’t imagine life without my many acquaintances and social contacts.
        • My first instinct is always to help people, whether or not they ask for it.
        • Pride is both my greatest strength and my greatest weakness.
        • Giving, caring, and sharing mean a lot to me.
        • I can get very wrapped up in my concern for others.
        • It’s unacceptably humiliating to be publicly criticized.
        • Because I do so much for others, I sometimes feel entitled to special treatment.
        • It’s important for me to be a sympathetic listener and supportive friend.
        • I’m strongly drawn to humanitarian work with people or animals.
        • I’m a natural nurturer.
        • Friends describe me as warm, romantic, and affectionate.
        • I’m willing to sacrifice in order to be in relationship.
        • Feeling appreciated means so much to me.
    • 3. The Motivator:
      • Holy Idea
        • Holy Harmony, Holy Law, Holy Hope
      • Virtue
        • Truthfulness, [Authenticity, not being fake]
      • Fixation
        • Vanity [Deceit] [Feelings of excessive pride]
      • Negative Passion
        • Deceit [quality of being fraudulent]
      • Basic Fear
        • Of being worthless
      • Basic Desire
        • To feel valuable
      • In Search of
        • Acceptance and Validation
      • Healthy Sense of Self
        • “I am an outstanding and effective person”
      • Hidden Complaint
        • “I am a superior person-others are jealous of me”
      • Defense Mechanism
        • Repression, Projection, Displacement
      • Temptations
        • To constantly push themselves to be “the best”
      • Saving Grace
        • Desire to be accepted
      • Structural Patterns
        • Adaptability
      • Cognitive Error
        • Value based on “performance”, external image.
      • Parental Orientation
        • Connected to the nurturing figure
      • Key Motivation
        • Want to feel valuable and worthwhile
        • To be affirmed
        • To distinguish themselves
        • To have attention
        • To be admired
        • To impress others
      • At Their Best
        • Inner-directed and authentic
        • Everything they seem to be
        • Accept their limitations
        • Live within their limitations
        • Self-deprecatory sense of humor
        • Childlike innocence
        • Charitable
        • Genuinely modest
        • Benevolent
      • Healthy
        • Self-assured and energetic
        • With high self-esteem
        • Believe in themselves and their own value
        • Adaptable
        • Well-adjusted
        • Charming
        • Often attractive and popular
        • Realistic and purposeful
        • Ambitious to improve themselves
        • Mindset “be all that they can be”
        • Outstanding
        • Kind of human ideal
        • Embodying widely admired qualities
        • Others are motivated to be like them
        • High-spirited
        • Goal oriented
        • Persistent
        • Effective
        • Industrious people
      • Average
        • Highly concerned with performance
        • Doing the job well
        • Being superior
        • Rising above others
        • Compare themselves with others
        • In search for status and success
        • Driven careerists and social climbers
        • Invested in achievement
        • Exclusivity
        • Being a “winner.”
        • Image-conscious
        • Highly concerned with how they are perceived.
        • Present themselves according to the expectations of others
        • Pragmatic [practical] and efficient
        • Losing touch with their own feelings
        • Smooth façade
        • Problems with intimacy
        • Problems credibility
        • Problems with expediency
        • Want to impress others with their superiority
        • Constantly promoting themselves
        • Making themselves sound better than they really are
        • Narcissistic, with grandiose
        • Inflated notions about themselves and their talents.
        • Exhibitionistic and seductive
        • “Look at me!” Syndrome
        • Arrogance and contempt
      • Unhealthy
        • Fearing failure and humiliation
        • Misrepresent themselves
        • Distorting the truth of their accomplishments
        • Extremely unprincipled
        • Covetous of the success of others
        • Willing to do “whatever it takes” to preserve the illusion of their superiority
        • Exploitative
        • Opportunistic
        • Deceptive to hide faults
        • Pathological liar
        • Extreme hostility
        • Delusional jealousy
        • Betraying
        • Sabotaging people in order to triumph over them
        • Vindictive
        • Ruining what they cannot have.
        • Relentless, obsessive about destroying whatever reminds them of their own shortcomings and failures
        • Psychopathic tendencies: murder
      • Level 1 Healthy
        • The Authentic Person
      • Level 2 Healthy
        • The Self-Assured Person
      • Level 3 Healthy
        • The Outstanding Paragon [model of excellence]
      • Level 4 Average
        • The Competitive Status-Seeker
      • Level 5 Average
        • The Image Conscious Pragmatist [practical]
      • Level 6 Average
        • The Self-Promoting Narcissist [in love with self]
      • Level 7 Unhealthy
        • The Dishonest Opportunist
      • Level 8 Unhealthy
        • The Malicious Deceiver
      • Level 9 Unhealthy
        • The Vindictive Psychopath
      • Characteristics
        • I like the idea of involving my intimate partner in my work life, so we don’t drift apart.

          Meeting my deadline matters more than getting every tiny detail just right.

          Being a winner makes my efforts worthwhile.

          My desire to achieve knows no bounds.

          I tend to get myself so heavily scheduled with work that there’s not much time to simply sit and reflect.

          Sometimes it’s hard to tell the difference between the image I project and the person I am inside.

          I work hard to succeed because failure is just not an option.

          I’m very aware of the impression I make on others.

          Making time for relationships can be hard because of my busy schedule.

          Nothing motivates me like high achievement.

          Public recognition means a lot to me.

          I can adapt my dress and behavior to the needs of the situation.

          I can ignore painful emotions to get the job done.

          More than anything, I’m a “can do” kind of person.

          Being in the public eye is something I generally enjoy.

          Whatever I do, I always try to exceed my personal best.

          Achievement and recognition let me know I’m targeting my goals.

          The term “Type A personality” was coined with me in mind.

          Making a good impression is important to me.

          I’m a great team player.

    • 4. The Individualist:
      • Holy Idea
        • Holy Origin
      • Virtue
        • Equanimity, Emotional Balance, Steadiness of Mind
      • Fixation
        • Melancholy [Fantasizing] [ feeling of thoughtful sadness]
      • Negative Passion
        • Envy [ feeling of grudging admiration and desire to have something that is possessed by another]
      • Basic Fear
        • Of having no identity or significance
      • Basic Desire
        • To be themselves
      • In Search of
        • Identity
      • Healthy Sense of Self
        • “I am an intuitive, sensitive person”
      • Hidden Complaint
        • “I don’t really fit in – I am different from others”
      • Defense Mechanism
        • Introjection, Displacement, Splitting
      • Temptations
        • To overuse imagination in search of self
      • Saving Grace
        • Self-awareness
      • Structural Patterns
        • Subjectivity
      • Cognitive Error
        • To identify with their feelings and emotional states
      • Parental Orientation
        • Disconnected from both parents
      • Key Motivation
        • Want to be themselves
        • To express themselves in something beautiful
        • To find the ideal partner
        • To withdraw to protect their feelings
        • To take care of emotional needs before attending to anything else
      • At Their Best
        • Profoundly creative
        • Artistic
        • Inspired
        • Self-renewing
        • Regenerating
        • Able to transform all their experiences into something valuable
        • Redemptive
        • Self-creative
      • Healthy
        • Self-aware
        • Introspective
        • Engaged in a “search for self,”
        • Aware of feelings and inner impulses
        • Sensitive and intuitive both to self and others
        • Gentle
        • Tactful
        • Compassionate
        • Highly personal
        • Individualistic
        • True to their feelings
        • Self-revealing
        • Emotionally honest
        • Humane
        • Ironic view of self and life
        • Can be serious and funny
        • Vulnerable
        • Emotionally strong
      • Average
        • Take an artistic, romantic orientation to life
        • Creating a beautiful, aesthetic environment
        • Cultivate and prolong personal feelings
        • Heighten reality through fantasy
        • Passionate feelings
        • Imagination
        • Long for the idealized partner
        • Stay in touch with feelings
        • Interiorize and personalize things
        • Self-absorbed
        • Hypersensitive
        • Shy
        • Self-conscious
        • Temperamental
        • Moody
        • Play “hard to get,”
        • Feel like outsiders
        • Feel that they are different from others
        • Melancholy dreamers
        • Disdainful
        • Decadent
        • Sensual
        • Living in a fantasy world
        • Self-pity
        • Envy of others
        • Self-indulgence.
        • Become increasingly impractical, unproductive, and pretentious—yet, waiting for a rescuer
      • Unhealthy
        • When dreams fail, become self-inhibiting
        • Angry at self
        • Depressed
        • Socially disoriented
        • Alienated from self and others
        • Blocked and emotionally paralyzed
        • Ashamed of self
        • Fatigued
        • Unable to function
        • Withdrawn to protect their self-image and to buy time to sort out feelings
        • Tormented by delusional self-contempt
        • Self-reproaches
        • Self-hatred
        • Morbid thoughts
        • Everything about them becomes a source of torment
        • Blaming others
        • Drive away anyone who tries to help them.
        • Despairing
        • Feel hopeless
        • Self-destructive
        • Abusing alcohol or drugs to escape.
        • In the extreme: emotional breakdown or suicide is likely
      • Level 1 Healthy
        • The Inspired Creator
      • Level 2 Healthy
        • The Self-Aware Intuitive
      • Level 3 Healthy
        • The Self-Revealing Individual
      • Level 4 Average
        • The Imaginative Aesthete [sensitivity to beauty]
      • Level 5 Average
        • The Self-Absorbed Romantic
      • Level 6 Average
        • The Self-Indulgent “Exception”
      • Level 7 Unhealthy
        • The Alienated Depressive
      • Level 8 Unhealthy
        • The Emotionally Tormented Person
      • Level 9 Unhealthy
        • The Self-Destructive Person
      • Characteristics
        • I often feel a sense of longing without really knowing why.
        • I can embrace the sweet side of sorrow.
        • Emotionally intense situations make me feel really alive.
        • Even when I seem accepted by a group, it’s hard to feel that I really belong.
        • Finding my purpose in life means everything to me.
        • I value originality more than success.
        • Conforming to group norms doesn’t allow me to express who I really am.
        • I find it hard to bear those aspects of life that dull the heart and kill the soul.
        • Being authentic matters more to me than material success.
        • Emotional inauthenticy really bothers me.
        • My deep emotions are my greatest creative resource.
        • When I resonate with someone, it’s not on a superficial level.
        • Although I long to be accepted, I hate the idea of mindless conformity.
        • Translating my inner vision into a work of art can be incredibly compelling.
        • Being in an environment that’s plastic and impersonal just drains the life right out of me.
        • I’m very sensitive to the moods of other people.
        • I know how it feels to experience intense loneliness.
        • Many people find me too emotionally intense or dramatic.
        • Being alone allows me to get in touch with my innermost self.
        • I easily identify with the wounds I’ve received in life.
    • 5. The Investigator:
      • Holy Idea
        • Holy Omniscience, Holy Transparency
      • Virtue
        • Detachment [avoiding emotional involvement]
      • Fixation
        • Stinginess [Retention]
      • Negative Passion
        • Avarice [Extreme greed for material wealth]
      • Basic Fear
        • Of being helpless, incompetent and incapable
      • Basic Desire
        • To be capable and competent
      • In Search of
        • Mastery
      • Healthy Sense of Self
        • “I am intelligent, perceptive person”
      • Hidden Complaint
        • “I am so smart – others can’t understand me”
      • Defense Mechanism
        • Displacement, Projection, Isolation
      • Temptations
        • To replace direct experience with concepts
      • Saving Grace
        • Awareness of own distortions
      • Structural Patterns
        • Concentration
      • Cognitive Error
        • To think that they can understand by “witnessing”
      • Parental Orientation
        • Ambivalent [uncertain] to both parents
      • Key Motivation
        • Want to be capable and competent
        • To master a body of knowledge and skill
        • To explore reality
        • To remain undisturbed by others
        • To reduce their needs
      • At Their Best
        • Become visionaries
        • Broadly comprehending the world while penetrating it profoundly
        • Open-minded
        • Take things in whole, in their true context
        • Make pioneering discoveries
        • Find entirely new ways of doing and perceiving things
      • Healthy
        • Observe everything with extraordinary perceptiveness and insight
        • Mentally alert
        • Curious
        • Have a searching intelligence
        • Nothing escapes their notice.
        • Display foresight and prediction abilities
        • Able to concentrate
        • Become engrossed in what has caught their attention
        • Attain skillful mastery of whatever interests them
        • Excited by knowledge
        • Become expert in some field
        • Innovative
        • Inventive
        • Producing extremely valuable, original works.
        • Highly independent
        • Idiosyncratic [peculiar]
        • Whimsical
      • Average
        • Begin conceptualizing everything before acting—working things out in their minds

          Model building

          Preparing

          Practicing

          Gathering resources

          Studious

          Acquiring technique

          Become specialized and often “intellectual”

          Involvement in research

          Scholar

          Theorist

          Increasingly detached as they become involved with complicated ideas

          Live in imaginary world

          Preoccupied with their visions and interpretations rather than reality

          Fascinated by offbeat esoteric subjects

          Likes dark and disturbing elements

          Detached from the practical world

          Disembodied mind

          Antagonistic stance toward anything which would interfere with their inner world and personal vision.

          Provocative and abrasive, with intentionally extreme and radical views.

          Cynical

          Argumentative

      • Unhealthy
        • Reclusive and isolated from reality
        • Eccentric and nihilistic
        • Highly unstable and fearful of aggressions:
        • Reject and repulse others and all social attachments
        • Obsessed with yet frightened by their threatening ideas
        • Horrified
        • Delirious
        • Prey to gross distortions and phobias
        • Seeking oblivion [forgotten]
        • May commit suicide
        • Psychotic break with reality
        • Deranged
        • Explosively self-destructive, with schizophrenic overtones
      • Level 1 Healthy
        • The Pioneering Visionary
      • Level 2 Healthy
        • The Perceptive Observer
      • Level 3 Healthy
        • The Focused Innovator
      • Level 4 Average
        • The Studious Expert
      • Level 5 Average
        • The Intense Conceptualizer [“idea man”, no action]
      • Level 6 Average
        • The Provocative Cynic [critical of motives of others]
      • Level 7 Unhealthy
        • The Isolated Nihilist [rejects theories of morality]
      • Level 8 Unhealthy
        • The Terrified “Alien”
      • Level 9 Unhealthy
        • The Imploding Schizoid [withdrawn]
      • Characteristics
        • Having a private space is a necessity, not a luxury.
        • I prefer to thoroughly think through a problem before I act.
        • I like to read up in advance before trying some new activity.
        • I’m sometimes seen by others as socially unresponsive.
        • I am a careful observer of people and situations.
        • I enjoy puzzling out ingenious solutions to unusual problems.
        • I find public displays of emotion unappealing.
        • Games can fascinate me too much.
        • I like to study intricate patterns and complex concepts.
        • I tend to mentally tune out when people push for an emotional reaction.
        • When I like art, it’s often something quirky or unusual.
        • Sometimes it takes time for my emotions to catch up with my thoughts.
        • I don’t care for interruptions when I’m trying to think through a problem.
        • It’s not hard to be discreet when necessary.
        • I’m a systems thinker who can separate thought from emotion.
        • I value intellectual exchange more than emotional sharing.
        • I often become an expert on the topics I study.
        • I’m more detached than emotional.
        • Small talk doesn’t do much for me.
        • I mentally zone out when I lack time alone.
    • 6. The Loyalist:
      • Holy Idea
        • Holy Strength, Holy Faith
      • Virtue
        • Courage [spirit that enables you to face danger or pain without showing fear}
      • Fixation
        • Cowardice [Worrying]
      • Negative Passion
        • Fear
      • Basic Fear
        • Of being without support and guidance
      • Basic Desire
        • To have support and guidance
      • In Search of
        • Security and safety
      • Healthy Sense of Self
        • “I am committed, dependable person”
      • Hidden Complaint
        • “I do what I’, supposed to do – others don’t”
      • Defense Mechanism
        • Identification, Displacement, Projection
      • Temptations
        • Cycles of indecision – seek others for reassurance
      • Saving Grace
        • Ability to maintain relationship.
      • Structural Patterns
        • Reactivity
      • Cognitive Error
        • To look for guidance and security outside themselves
      • Parental Orientation
        • Connected with their protective-figures
      • Key Motivation
        • Want to have security
        • To feel supported
        • To have the approval of others
        • To test the attitudes of others toward them
        • To defend their beliefs
      • At Their Best
        • Become self-affirming
        • Trusting of self and others
        • Independent yet symbiotically interdependent cooperative
        • Belief in self leads to true courage
        • Positive thinking
        • Leadership
        • Rich self-expression
      • Healthy
        • Able to engage others and identify with them
        • Steadfast
        • Earnest
        • Affectionate
        • Trustworthy
        • Bonding with others
        • Forming relationships and alliances
        • Dedicated to individuals and movements
        • Community builders
        • Responsible
        • Reliable
        • Good foresight
        • Strong organizational ability
        • Natural troubleshooters
        • Hardworking
        • Persevering
        • Sacrificing for others
        • Create stability and security in their world
        • Brings a cooperative spirit
      • Average
        • Start investing their time and energy into whatever they believe will be safe and stable.
        • Organizing and structuring
        • Look to alliances and authorities for security and continuity
        • Make many commitments to others, hoping they will be reciprocated.
        • Constantly vigilant, anticipating problems.
        • Seek clear guidelines and feel more secure when systems and procedures are well defined.
        • Resist having more demands made on them
        • React against others passive-aggressively
        • Evasive
        • Indecisive
        • Cautious
        • Procrastinating
        • Ambivalent
        • Strong self-doubt
        • Suspicion about others’ motives
        • Highly reactive
        • Anxious
        • Complaining
        • Giving contradictory “mixed signals.”
        • Internal confusion makes them react unpredictably
        • Compensate for insecurities
        • Belligerent
        • Mean-spirited
        • Sarcastic
        • Blaming others for problems
        • Highly partisan
        • Defensive
        • Dividing people into friends and enemies
        • Looking for threats to their own security
        • Authoritarian
        • Prejudiced
        • Fear-instilling to silence their own fears
      • Unhealthy
        • Clingingly dependent
        • Self-disparaging [negative opinion]
        • Acute inferiority feelings
        • Seeing themselves as helpless and incompetent
        • Seek out a stronger authority or belief to resolve all problems
        • Submissive and masochistic
        • Feeling persecuted, that others are “out to get them,”
        • Lash out and act irrationally
        • Bringing about what they fear
        • Fanaticism
        • Violent
        • Hysterical
        • Seeking to escape punishment
        • Self-destructive
        • Suicidal
        • Alcoholic
        • Drug abuser
        • Self-abasing behavior
      • Level 1 Healthy
        • The Valiant Hero
      • Level 2 Healthy
        • The Engaging Friend
      • Level 3 Healthy
        • The Committed Worker
      • Level 4 Average
        • The Dutiful Loyalist
      • Level 5 Average
        • The Ambivalent Pessimist
      • Level 6 Average
        • The Authoritarian Rebel
      • Level 7 Unhealthy
        • The Overreacting Dependent
      • Level 8 Unhealthy
        • The Paranoid Hysteric
      • Level 9 Unhealthy
        • The Self-Defeating Masochist
      • Characteristics
        • My feelings of apprehension are less intense when I have a project to work on.

          Making other people laugh helps me feel calmer and less anxious.

          Learning to assert myself gives me confidence and lessens my anxiety.

          Maintaining close ties with friends and family helps me feel safe in a chaotic world.

          Although I can easily imagine panicking in a crisis, when a real emergency comes along, I do surprisingly well.

          Faith and trust are hard for me, because I doubt things that most people seem to take for granted.

          My attention too easily goes to worst-case scenarios, even when they are not likely to happen.

          I tend to either respect or defy authority.

          I’m always aware of the rules I’m supposed to follow, whether I choose to conform to them or break them.

          It’s hard not to feel nervous when meeting new people.

          I’m more willing than a lot of people to do the “grunt” work on a group project.

          I’m a particularly reliable, loyal, and steady employee.

          I have a lot of nervous energy and an overactive imagination.

          Sometimes going on the offense is the only way to conquer fear.

          My home and family provide me with a safe haven in an unsafe world.

          I rarely embrace ideas that haven’t stood the test of time.

          I’m very loyal to people who have earned my trust.

          I use my “inner radar” to intuit the motives of others and decide whether or not it’s safe to trust them.

          I can be a feisty scrapper who sticks up for the underdog.

          It’s sometimes easier to directly confront my fears than allow my imagination to run wild.

    • 7. The Enthusiast:
      • Holy Idea
        • Holy Wisdom, Holy Work, Holy Plan
      • Virtue
        • Sobriety [Moderation in or abstinence from alcohol or other drugs}
      • Fixation
        • Planning [Anticipation]
      • Negative Passion
        • Gluttony
      • Basic Fear
        • Of being trapped in pain and deprivation
      • Basic Desire
        • To be satisfied and content
      • In Search of
        • Satisfaction and Fulfilment
      • Healthy Sense of Self
        • “I am happy, enthusiastic person”
      • Hidden Complaint
        • “I am happy – if others gave me what I wanted, I’d be happier.
      • Defense Mechanism
        • Repression, Externalization, Acting Out
      • Temptations
        • To think that fulfilment is somewhere else
      • Saving Grace
        • Enthusiasm for things they love
      • Structural Patterns
        • Responsiveness
      • Cognitive Error
        • Anticipation of the future – loss of immediacy
      • Parental Orientation
        • Disconnected to the nurturing-figure
      • Key Motivation
        • Want to be happy and satisfied
        • To have a wide variety of experiences
        • To keep their options open
        • To enjoy life and amuse themselves
        • To escape anxiety
      • At Their Best
        • Assimilate experiences in depth
        • Grateful and appreciative for what they have
        • Awed by the simple wonders of life
        • Joyous
        • Ecstatic
        • Intimations of spiritual reality
        • Boundless goodness of life
      • Healthy
        • Highly responsive
        • Excitable
        • Enthusiastic about sensation and experience
        • Extroverted type
        • Stimuli bring immediate responses
        • Find everything invigorating
        • Lively
        • Vivacious
        • Eager
        • Spontaneous
        • Resilient,
        • Cheerful
        • Easily become accomplished achievers
        • Generalists who do many different things well
        • Multitalented
        • Practical
        • Productive
        • Usually prolific
        • Cross-fertilizing areas of interest
      • Average
        • Acquisitive
        • Materialistic
        • “worldly wise”
        • Constantly amusing themselves with new things and experiences
        • The sophisticate
        • The connoisseur
        • The consumer
        • Money importance
        • Variety seeker
        • Keeps up with the latest trends
        • Hyperactive
        • Unable to say no to themselves
        • Unable to deny themselves anything
        • Uninhibited
        • Doing and saying whatever comes to mind
        • Storyteller
        • Flamboyant exaggerations
        • Wisecracking
        • Performer
        • Fear being bored
        • Always in perpetual motion,
        • doing too many things
        • Superficial dilettantes
        • Conspicuous consumption and all forms of excess
        • Self-centered
        • Greedy
        • Never feeling that they have enough
        • Demanding
        • Pushy
        • Unsatisfied
        • Crude
        • Jaded
        • Addictive
        • Hardened
        • Insensitive
      • Unhealthy
        • Offensive and abusive while going after what they want.
        • Impulsive
        • Infantile
        • Do not know when to stop
        • Addictions
        • Excesses
        • Debauched
        • Depraved
        • Dissipated escapists
        • In flight from self
        • Act out impulses rather than deal with anxiety or frustrations
        • Out of control
        • Erratic mood swings
        • Act compulsively (manias)
        • Energy and health is completely spent
        • Claustrophobic
        • Panic-stricken.
        • Often give up on themselves and life
        • Deep depression
        • Despair
        • Self-destructive overdoses
        • Impulsive suicide
      • Level 1 Healthy
        • The Ecstatic Appreciator
      • Level 2 Healthy
        • The Free-Spirited Optimist
      • Level 3 Healthy
        • The Accomplished Generalist
      • Level 4 Average
        • The Experienced Sophisticate
      • Level 5 Average
        • The Hyperactive Extrovert
      • Level 6 Average
        • The Excessive Hedonist
      • Level 7 Unhealthy
        • The Impulsive Escapist
      • Level 8 Unhealthy
        • The Manic Compulsive
      • Level 9 Unhealthy
        • The Panic-Stricken “Hysteric”
      • Characteristics
        • My desire to think positive can sometimes be like an addiction.
        • I like to do something new, not the same old thing.
        • I like to do so many things that it’s easy to spread myself too thin.
        • I feel an urge to escape when I land in situations that require an emotional commitment.
        • I’m optimistic about most things.
        • I’ve got so many ideas buzzing around in my head that it can be hard to work on just one at a time.
        • Ideas often come to me like lightning flashes.
        • I tend to see other people as equals.
        • I appreciate good food, good company, and the good life.
        • My natural exuberance usually keeps me from getting bogged down in heavy emotions.
        • It’s just not that much fun to do only one activity at a time.
        • I try to keep my options open.
        • It’s my nature to seek novelty, not routine.
        • I can often pick ideas “out of the air.”
        • When I get grounded, it helps me carry out existing plans instead of just developing new ones.
        • I’m good at making people laugh, because I have a quick wit and don’t take myself too seriously.
        • I get jazzed by innovative projects or visionary ideas.
        • I’m naturally playful, fun-loving, and free-spirited.
        • My mind is quick, but not particularly thorough.
        • Freedom matters more to me than almost anything else.
    • 8. The Leader:
      • Holy Idea
        • Holy Truth
      • Virtue
        • Innocence [ lacking a knowledge of evil]
      • Fixation
        • Vengeance [Objectification] [concrete representation of an abstract idea or principle]
      • Negative Passion
        • Lust
      • Basic Fear
        • Of being harmed, controlled and violated
      • Basic Desire
        • To protect themselves
      • In Search of
        • Survival [physical and legacy]
      • Healthy Sense of Self
        • “I am strong, assertive person”
      • Hidden Complaint
        • “I am fighting for my survival – others would take advantage of me”
      • Defense Mechanism
        • Repression, Displacement, Denial
      • Temptations
        • To think that they are completely self-sufficient
      • Saving Grace
        • Know that confrontations threatens survival
      • Structural Patterns
        • Expansiveness
      • Cognitive Error
        • Feel that they are constantly working against something
      • Parental Orientation
        • Ambivalent to the nurturing-figure
      • Key Motivation
        • Want to be self-reliant
        • To resist their weakness
        • To have an impact on the environment
        • To assert themselves
        • To stay in control
        • To prevail over others
        • To be invincible
      • At Their Best
        • Self-restrained
        • Magnanimous
        • Merciful
        • Forbearing
        • Mastering self through their self-surrender to a higher authority.
        • Courageous
        • Willing to put self in serious jeopardy to achieve their vision
        • Have a lasting influence
        • May achieve true heroism and historical greatness
      • Healthy
        • Self-assertive
        • Self-confident
        • Strong
        • Able to stand up for what they need and want
        • Resourceful
        • “can do” attitude
        • Passionate inner drive
        • Decisive
        • Authoritative
        • Commanding
        • Take initiative
        • Make things happen
        • Champion people
        • Providing
        • Protective
        • Honorable
        • Carry others with their strength
      • Average
        • Self-sufficiency
        • Financial independence
        • Having enough resources are important concerns
        • Enterprising
        • Pragmatic
        • “rugged individualists,”
        • wheeler-dealers
        • Risk-taker
        • Hardworking
        • Denying own emotional needs
        • Dominate their environment, including others
        • Feel that others are behind them, supporting their efforts.
        • The “boss” whose word is law
        • Swaggering
        • Boastful
        • Forceful
        • Expansive
        • Proud
        • Egocentric
        • Impose their will and vision
        • Not seeing others as equals
        • Not treating other with respect
        • Highly combative
        • Intimidating
        • Confrontational
        • Belligerent
        • Creating adversarial relationships
        • Everything becomes a test of wills
        • Will not back down
        • Use threats and reprisals to get obedience from others, to keep others off-balance and insecure
      • Unhealthy
        • Ruthless

          Dictatorial

          “might makes right.”

          The criminal

          The outlaw

          The renegade

          The con artist

          Hardhearted

          Immoral

          Potentially violent

          Delusional ideas about their power

          Delusional ideas about their invincibility

          Delusional ideas about their ability to prevail

          Megalomania

          Feel omnipotent

          Invulnerable

          Recklessly overextend themselves

          They get in danger

          May brutally destroy everything that has not conformed to their will rather than surrender to anyone else

          Vengeful

          Barbaric

          Murderous

          Sociopathic tendencies

      • Level 1 Healthy
        • The Magnanimous Heart
      • Level 2 Healthy
        • The Self-Confident Person
      • Level 3 Healthy
        • The Constructive Leader
      • Level 4 Average
        • The Enterprising Adventurer
      • Level 5 Average
        • The Dominating Power Broker
      • Level 6 Average
        • The Confrontational Adversary
      • Level 7 Unhealthy
        • The Ruthless Outlaw
      • Level 8 Unhealthy
        • The Omnipotent Megalomaniac
      • Level 9 Unhealthy
        • The Violent Destroyer
      • Characteristics
        • I’m a force to be reckoned with.
        • My bluntness can sometimes blow people away.
        • People say I have a powerful aura.
        • I can both make the rules and enforce them.
        • I look out for people who can’t look out for themselves.
        • People see me as a natural leader.
        • I don’t have to prove anything to anybody.
        • I have the strength to take on tasks that would defeat a weaker person.
        • Controlling my temper is tough.
        • When I walk in the room full of people, I immediately sense who’s in charge.
        • I take things personally and don’t care who knows it.
        • My word is my bond.
        • I don’t mind giving tough love when it’s needed.
        • I’m the chief in my circle of friends.
        • Feeling vulnerable makes me squirm.
        • I always protect what’s mine.
        • I’m a natural survivor, and I have the supplies stockpiled to prove it!
        • I have big appetites and “larger than life” desires.
        • If I walk into a group that lacks a leader, I’ll take charge.
        • I take action when other people are still trying to sort out their feelings.
    • 9. The Peacemaker:
      • Holy Idea
        • Holy Love
      • Virtue
        • Action
      • Fixation
        • Indolence [Daydreaming]
      • Negative Passion
        • Sloth [disinclination to work]
      • Basic Fear
        • Of loss, separation and fragmentation
      • Basic Desire
        • Peace of mind and wholeness
      • In Search of
        • Harmony and stability
      • Healthy Sense of Self
        • “I am peaceful, easy going person”
      • Hidden Complaint
        • “I am content – others pressure me to change”
      • Defense Mechanism
        • Repression, Dissociation Denial
      • Temptations
        • To avoid conflicts and self-assertion
      • Saving Grace
        • Value relationships – so receptive to change
      • Structural Patterns
        • Self-effacement
      • Cognitive Error
        • Peace of mind by disengaging from instincts and reality.
      • Parental Orientation
        • Connected with both parents
      • Key Motivation
        • Want to be peaceful
        • To have serenity and peace of mind
        • To create harmony in their environment
        • To preserve things as they are
        • To avoid conflicts and tension
        • To escape upsetting problems and demands on them
      • At Their Best
        • Self-possessed
        • Feeling autonomous and fulfilled
        • Have great equanimity and contentment because they are present to themselves
        • Paradoxically, at one with self
        • Able to form more profound relationships
        • More alive, awake, alert to self and others
      • Healthy
        • Deeply receptive
        • Accepting
        • Unselfconscious
        • Emotionally stable
        • Serene
        • Trusting of self and others
        • At ease with self and life
        • Innocent
        • Simple
        • Patient
        • Unpretentious
        • Good-natured
        • Genuinely nice
        • Imaginative
        • Creative
        • Attuned to nonverbal communication
        • Optimistic
        • Reassuring
        • Supportive
        • Have a healing and calming influence—harmonizing groups
        • Brings people together
        • Good mediator
        • Synthesizer
        • Communicator
      • Average
        • Self-effacing
        • Agreeable
        • Accommodating
        • Idealizing others and “going along” with things to avoid conflict
        • Have a “philosophy of life” that enables them to quiet their anxieties quickly
        • Submerge themselves in fulfilling functions for others.
        • In their reactions, they are unresponsive and complacent
        • Walks away from problems and “sweeping them under the rug.”
        • Passive
        • Disengaged
        • Unreflective
        • Inattentive.
        • Thinking hazy
        • Ruminative mostly about their fantasies
        • “tune out” reality
        • Oblivious.
        • Emotional indolence
        • Unwillingness to exert self (and stay focused) on problems
        • Passive-aggressive
        • Indifferent
        • Minimize problems to appease others and to have “peace at any price.”
        • Fatalistic
        • Resigned
        • Stubborn
        • Resistant to influence
        • Practice wishful thinking
        • Waits for magical solutions.
        • Inadvertently create conflicts with others by their denial and obstinacy
      • Unhealthy
        • Repressed
        • Undeveloped
        • Ineffectual
        • Do not want to deal with problems
        • Depressed
        • Listless
        • Dissociating self from all conflicts
        • Neglectful
        • Dangerously irresponsible
        • Wanting to block out of awareness anything that could affect them
        • They dissociate so much that they eventually cannot function
        • Numb
        • Depersonalized
        • Severely disoriented
        • Catatonic [muscular rigidity]
        • They abandon themselves, turning into shattered shells
        • Multiple personalities possible
      • Level 1 Healthy
        • The Self-Possessed Guide
      • Level 2 Healthy
        • The Receptive Person
      • Level 3 Healthy
        • The Supportive Peacemaker
      • Level 4 Average
        • The Accommodating Role Player
      • Level 5 Average
        • The Disengage Participant
      • Level 6 Average
        • The Resigned Fatalist
      • Level 7 Unhealthy
        • The Denying Doormat
      • Level 8 Unhealthy
        • The Dissociating Automaton
      • Level 9 Unhealthy
        • The Self-Abandoning Ghost
      • Characteristics
        • Most people see me as more peaceful than I really am.
        • Being in nature is deeply soothing to me.
        • I can get cranky when things get too complex.
        • I can be stubborn in a way that avoids direct confrontation.
        • I am able to create harmony in my environment.
        • I can’t help but see both sides of almost any question.
        • I like to keep life simple and uncomplicated.
        • Details of my childhood sometimes seem hazy and far away.
        • I often find it hard to accomplish something without getting distracted by other tasks.
        • In a group situation, I usually prefer to blend in, rather than take the lead or voice objections.
        • Having daily routines helps me stay on track and get things done.
        • Often I feel that my personal opinions aren’t all that essential to a group discussion.
        • Impartial listening comes easily to me.
        • I generally enjoy puttering around and losing myself in the small tasks of ordinary life.
        • Most people see me as non-judgmental and easy-going.
        • Sometimes it’s hard to get around to my own personal needs.
        • Tolerance comes easily to me.
        • Familiar comforts bring me a sense of peace.
        • Big personal decisions can paralyze me.
        • It’s easy to let my friends decide how we spend our time together.
  • 9 Personality Types: Characteristics
    • 1. The Reformer:
      • I can feel irritated for no special reason.
      • Getting the job done right is more important than getting the job done fast.
      • As a child, I was more serious and realistic than many other children.
      • No one’s more critical of me than I am of myself.
      • I like to concentrate on exactly one thing at a time and do not appreciate distractions.
      • As a parent or guardian, I’m more strict than permissive.
      • People who don’t take things seriously annoy me.
      • I’ve been called a perfectionist, although I don’t feel very perfect.
      • I want to be certain that I’m meeting my own high standards for conduct.
      • When I care about people, I want to improve their behavior.
      • Upholding ethics and principles is extremely important to me.
      • I have a very active inner critic.
      • I find it hard not to judge people too harshly.
      • I feel quite guilty when I get angry without justification.
      • Friends sometimes tell me I’m too hard on myself.
      • I become tense or critical more easily than most people.
      • In intimate relationships, I often experience jealous feelings, even though I don’t approve of them.
      • The words “should” and “ought” crop up a lot in my thinking.
      • Sometimes I feel like I’m just going to explode.
      • Knowing I’m correct takes the edge off the tension I feel.
    • 2. The Helper:
      • I hate asking for help, even though I like giving it.
      • I find it hard to hold back when it comes to offering help and advice.
      • I take pride in the way I put people at ease.
      • It’s hard not to cry when I feel sentimental, even when I’m in public.
      • I find it unnerving to talk with people who don’t seem emotionally engaged.
      • I’m so much more of a heart person than a head person.
      • There’s nothing I enjoy like making introductions and helping people get to know one another.
      • I can’t imagine life without my many acquaintances and social contacts.
      • My first instinct is always to help people, whether or not they ask for it.
      • Pride is both my greatest strength and my greatest weakness.
      • Giving, caring, and sharing mean a lot to me.
      • I can get very wrapped up in my concern for others.
      • It’s unacceptably humiliating to be publicly criticized.
      • Because I do so much for others, I sometimes feel entitled to special treatment.
      • It’s important for me to be a sympathetic listener and supportive friend.
      • I’m strongly drawn to humanitarian work with people or animals.
      • I’m a natural nurturer.
      • Friends describe me as warm, romantic, and affectionate.
      • I’m willing to sacrifice in order to be in relationship.
      • Feeling appreciated means so much to me.
    • 3. The Motivator:
      • I like the idea of involving my intimate partner in my work life, so we don’t drift apart.

        Meeting my deadline matters more than getting every tiny detail just right.

        Being a winner makes my efforts worthwhile.

        My desire to achieve knows no bounds.

        I tend to get myself so heavily scheduled with work that there’s not much time to simply sit and reflect.

        Sometimes it’s hard to tell the difference between the image I project and the person I am inside.

        I work hard to succeed because failure is just not an option.

        I’m very aware of the impression I make on others.

        Making time for relationships can be hard because of my busy schedule.

        Nothing motivates me like high achievement.

        Public recognition means a lot to me.

        I can adapt my dress and behavior to the needs of the situation.

        I can ignore painful emotions to get the job done.

        More than anything, I’m a “can do” kind of person.

        Being in the public eye is something I generally enjoy.

        Whatever I do, I always try to exceed my personal best.

        Achievement and recognition let me know I’m targeting my goals.

        The term “Type A personality” was coined with me in mind.

        Making a good impression is important to me.

        I’m a great team player.

    • 4. The Individualist:
      • I often feel a sense of longing without really knowing why.
      • I can embrace the sweet side of sorrow.
      • Emotionally intense situations make me feel really alive.
      • Even when I seem accepted by a group, it’s hard to feel that I really belong.
      • Finding my purpose in life means everything to me.
      • I value originality more than success.
      • Conforming to group norms doesn’t allow me to express who I really am.
      • I find it hard to bear those aspects of life that dull the heart and kill the soul.
      • Being authentic matters more to me than material success.
      • Emotional inauthenticy really bothers me.
      • My deep emotions are my greatest creative resource.
      • When I resonate with someone, it’s not on a superficial level.
      • Although I long to be accepted, I hate the idea of mindless conformity.
      • Translating my inner vision into a work of art can be incredibly compelling.
      • Being in an environment that’s plastic and impersonal just drains the life right out of me.
      • I’m very sensitive to the moods of other people.
      • I know how it feels to experience intense loneliness.
      • Many people find me too emotionally intense or dramatic.
      • Being alone allows me to get in touch with my innermost self.
      • I easily identify with the wounds I’ve received in life.
    • 5. The Investigator:
      • Having a private space is a necessity, not a luxury.
      • I prefer to thoroughly think through a problem before I act.
      • I like to read up in advance before trying some new activity.
      • I’m sometimes seen by others as socially unresponsive.
      • I am a careful observer of people and situations.
      • I enjoy puzzling out ingenious solutions to unusual problems.
      • I find public displays of emotion unappealing.
      • Games can fascinate me too much.
      • I like to study intricate patterns and complex concepts.
      • I tend to mentally tune out when people push for an emotional reaction.
      • When I like art, it’s often something quirky or unusual.
      • Sometimes it takes time for my emotions to catch up with my thoughts.
      • I don’t care for interruptions when I’m trying to think through a problem.
      • It’s not hard to be discreet when necessary.
      • I’m a systems thinker who can separate thought from emotion.
      • I value intellectual exchange more than emotional sharing.
      • I often become an expert on the topics I study.
      • I’m more detached than emotional.
      • Small talk doesn’t do much for me.
      • I mentally zone out when I lack time alone.
    • 6. The Loyalist:
      • My feelings of apprehension are less intense when I have a project to work on.

        Making other people laugh helps me feel calmer and less anxious.

        Learning to assert myself gives me confidence and lessens my anxiety.

        Maintaining close ties with friends and family helps me feel safe in a chaotic world.

        Although I can easily imagine panicking in a crisis, when a real emergency comes along, I do surprisingly well.

        Faith and trust are hard for me, because I doubt things that most people seem to take for granted.

        My attention too easily goes to worst-case scenarios, even when they are not likely to happen.

        I tend to either respect or defy authority.

        I’m always aware of the rules I’m supposed to follow, whether I choose to conform to them or break them.

        It’s hard not to feel nervous when meeting new people.

        I’m more willing than a lot of people to do the “grunt” work on a group project.

        I’m a particularly reliable, loyal, and steady employee.

        I have a lot of nervous energy and an overactive imagination.

        Sometimes going on the offense is the only way to conquer fear.

        My home and family provide me with a safe haven in an unsafe world.

        I rarely embrace ideas that haven’t stood the test of time.

        I’m very loyal to people who have earned my trust.

        I use my “inner radar” to intuit the motives of others and decide whether or not it’s safe to trust them.

        I can be a fiesty scrapper who sticks up for the underdog.

        It’s sometimes easier to directly confront my fears than allow my imagination to run wild.

    • 7. The Enthusiast:
      • My desire to think positive can sometimes be like an addiction.
      • I like to do something new, not the same old thing.
      • I like to do so many things that it’s easy to spread myself too thin.
      • I feel an urge to escape when I land in situations that require an emotional commitment.
      • I’m optimistic about most things.
      • I’ve got so many ideas buzzing around in my head that it can be hard to work on just one at a time.
      • Ideas often come to me like lightning flashes.
      • I tend to see other people as equals.
      • I appreciate good food, good company, and the good life.
      • My natural exuberance usually keeps me from getting bogged down in heavy emotions.
      • It’s just not that much fun to do only one activity at a time.
      • I try to keep my options open.
      • It’s my nature to seek novelty, not routine.
      • I can often pick ideas “out of the air.”
      • When I get grounded, it helps me carry out existing plans instead of just developing new ones.
      • I’m good at making people laugh, because I have a quick wit and don’t take myself too seriously.
      • I get jazzed by innovative projects or visionary ideas.
      • I’m naturally playful, fun-loving, and free-spirited.
      • My mind is quick, but not particularly thorough.
      • Freedom matters more to me than almost anything else.
    • 8. The Leader:
      • I’m a force to be reckoned with.
      • My bluntness can sometimes blow people away.
      • People say I have a powerful aura.
      • I can both make the rules and enforce them.
      • I look out for people who can’t look out for themselves.
      • People see me as a natural leader.
      • I don’t have to prove anything to anybody.
      • I have the strength to take on tasks that would defeat a weaker person.
      • Controlling my temper is tough.
      • When I walk in the room full of people, I immediately sense who’s in charge.
      • I take things personally and don’t care who knows it.
      • My word is my bond.
      • I don’t mind giving tough love when it’s needed.
      • I’m the chief in my circle of friends.
      • Feeling vulnerable makes me squirm.
      • I always protect what’s mine.
      • I’m a natural survivor, and I have the supplies stockpiled to prove it!
      • I have big appetites and “larger than life” desires.
      • If I walk into a group that lacks a leader, I’ll take charge.
      • I take action when other people are still trying to sort out their feelings.
    • 9. The Peacemaker:
      • Most people see me as more peaceful than I really am.
      • Being in nature is deeply soothing to me.
      • I can get cranky when things get too complex.
      • I can be stubborn in a way that avoids direct confrontation.
      • I am able to create harmony in my environment.
      • I can’t help but see both sides of almost any question.
      • I like to keep life simple and uncomplicated.
      • Details of my childhood sometimes seem hazy and far away.
      • I often find it hard to accomplish something without getting distracted by other tasks.
      • In a group situation, I usually prefer to blend in, rather than take the lead or voice objections.
      • Having daily routines helps me stay on track and get things done.
      • Often I feel that my personal opinions aren’t all that essential to a group discussion.
      • Impartial listening comes easily to me.
      • I generally enjoy puttering around and losing myself in the small tasks of ordinary life.
      • Most people see me as non-judgmental and easy-going.
      • Sometimes it’s hard to get around to my own personal needs.
      • Tolerance comes easily to me.
      • Familiar comforts bring me a sense of peace.
      • Big personal decisions can paralyze me.
      • It’s easy to let my friends decide how we spend our time together.
  • Part I
    • Chapter 1 Understanding Personality Types
    • Chapter 2 Origins
    • Chapter 3 Guidelines
      • The Structure of the Enneagram

        The Enneagram58

        The Triads67

        The Dialectical Structure of the Triads69

        three types on the equilateral triangle70

        Three Six andNine70

        “primary” personality types because they have the most trouble andare the most blocked in some way with feeling thinking or instinct70

        The Basic Personality Type71287

        First people do not change from one basic personality type toanother72141

        Second the descriptions of the personality types are universal and applyequally to males and females since no type is inherently masculine or feminine72141

        Third not everything in the description of your basic type will apply to youall the time.72322

        Fourth as we have seen the Enneagram uses numbers to designate each ofthe personality types42

        pathological characteristics

        • the obsessive type
        • thedepressive type
        • the psychopathic type
        • the antisocial type

        Fifth no personality type is inherently better or worse than any other1

        Identifying Your Basic Personality Type75208

        • 2. The HelperThe Two is caring generous possessive and manipulative.
        • 3. The MotivatorThe Three is adaptable ambitious imageconscious and hostile.
        • 4. The IndividualistThe Four is intuitive expressive selfabsorbed and depressive.
        • 5. The InvestigatorThe Five is perceptive original detached and eccentric.
        • 6. The LoyalistThe Six is engaging committed defensive and paranoid.
        • 7. The EnthusiastThe Seven is enthusiastic accomplished uninhibited and manic.
        • 8. The LeaderThe Eight is selfconfident decisive dominating and combative.
        • 9. The PeacemakerThe Nine is peaceful reassuring complacent and neglectful.
        • 1. The ReformerThe One is principled orderly perfectionistic and selfrighteous.

        A. Feeling Triad: Personality Types Two Three and Four60

        • These three personality types have common assets and liabilities which involvetheir feelings.

          When these types are healthy their feelings are the focus of whatis admirable about their personalities enabling them to become highly valuedfor their interpersonal qualities

          When they are unhealthy however theiremotions are out of balance in one way or another

          The strengths of healthy Twos result from the ability to sustain positivefeelings for others.

          Healthy Twos775

          • compassionate
          • generous
          • loving
          • thoughtful
          • they go out of their way to be of service to people

          AverageTwos775

          • possessive

            controlling

            needy

            but not able to express their needsdirectly

            They want to be loved

            but often intrude on others too much

            particularly rage and resentment

            They want others to see them as loving andgood all of the time even when they manipulate people and act selfishly

          Unhealthy Twos775

          • deceive themselves about the presence of their negative feelingsparticularly rage and resentment

            They want others to see them as loving andgood all of the time even when they manipulate people and act selfishly

          Healthy Threes775

          • involve the desire to improve themselves

            ability to adapt to others

            quickly learn how to make thebest of most situations

            hey are interested in building and maintaining highselfesteem

            able to motivate others to want to be like them becausethey are genuinely admirable in some socially valued way

          Average Threes775

          • the most out of touch with their emotions and individuality
          • suppress their feelings in order to perform more effectivelyand to make others like them
          • They lose touch with their feelings as they try toget the success and affirmation they crave

          Unhealthy Threes77484

          • can become hostileand extremely malicious if they do not get the admiring attention they desire

          Healthy Fours77484

          • involve intuitive selfawareness

            very personal

            revealing and communicating their feelings in ways thatenable others to get in touch with their own emotions

          Average Fours77484

          • become too aware of their feelings especially their negative ones
          • withdrawingfrom others and living too much in their imaginations

          Unhealthy Fours77484

          • extremely depressed and alienated from others
          • tormented by selfdoubt and selfhatred
          • They become suicidal when they can no longer cope with reality

          The Two Three and Four have common problems

          The Two Three and Four have common problems with their identity andwith hostility which they may take out either on themselves or on others orboth

          • the issues of Fours
            • the issues of Fours are virtually the reverse of those found inTwos

              Fours have problems with their identity because they are never quite surewho they really are

              Fours do not identify much with other people and so turninward to the world of feelings and imagination to construct a selfimage

            Their problems with identity stem from a rejection of their own authenticself in favor of a persona that they believe would be more acceptable in someway.

            “false selfimage”

            this is the central problem for these types

            all three are highlyconcerned with issues of selfesteem personal value appreciation and shameand with getting others to validate the selfimage they have created

            Twos have problems with their selfimagein the sense that they reject many of their true feelings and qualities especiallytheir hurt need and shame in order to see themselves (and have others seethem) as entirely loving generous people83

            Twos may well be loving andgenerous but as they become more disappointed with others and more lonelythey increasingly suppress their real feelings to maintain their “loving” selfimage.

            This leads them into selfdeception suppressing their anger manipulationof others and increased frustration and sadness

            The underlying problem is that Twos look primarily outside themselves toother people for validation of their “selfless” selfimage

            They seek specificresponses that let them know that they are loved and appreciated

            Twos repress their disappointment and redoubletheir efforts to get the positive reactions they want

            Twos become caught in a pattern of tryingtoo hard to win people over eventually driving them away and becoming moreresentful and heartbroken themselves

          Two60

          Three60

          Four60

        B. Thinking Triad: Personality Types Five Six and Seven81182

        • These three personality types have common assets and liabilities which involvethinking.

          Healthy Fives815

          • extremely knowledgeable about someaspect of their environment and are capable of brilliant original inventivesolutions to problems

          Average Fives815

          • feel more at home with thinkingand imagining than with doing and so get lost in the mazes of their minds whiletheir lives and opportunities diminish

          UnhealthyFives815

          • create more problems for themselves than they solve because they havebecome so completely isolated from reality. They are unable to know what isreal or unreal true or untrue

          Healthy Sixes81241

          • involve the ability to think systematically andto foresee potential problems.81241

            When healthy Sixes act it is to everyone’s mutualbenefit81241

            As loyal and faithful friends they are committed to others and they lookfor the same qualities from others.81241

          Average Sixes81241

          • however look outsidethemselves too much for “permission” to act from an authority figure or beliefsystem which will tell them what to do81241

            Unsure of themselves unless theauthority is on their side they nevertheless feel they must assert themselvesagainst the authority to prove their independence at least from time to time

          Unhealthy Sixes82280

          • succumb to anxiety and feelings of inferiority and insecurityselfdestructively bringing about the very consequences they most fear.

          Healthy Sevens82280

          • involve their remarkably quick and avid mindswhich give them the ability to do many things exceptionally well

            exuberantly enthusiastic about the environment becoming extremelyaccomplished in a wide variety of activities

          AverageSevens82280

          • becomes extremely restless moving from one topic to the next beforeanything can be completed engaged in an unending search for new experiences

            This causes them to do more of everything although ironically the more theydo the less they are satisfied.

            They want to keep their minds occupied at alltimes so that their anxiety will not get to them.

            They constantly imagine that theyare “missing out” on something that would be more enjoyable than their currentactivity and greedily want more of everything so they will not feel deprived

          Unhealthy Sevens

          • become selfcentered dissipated escapists flying impulsivelyout of control

          The Five Six and Seven have common problems with insecurity andanxiety which they handle in different ways depending on the personality type82

          • In all three types a pervasive fear or anxiety arises from a profound feeling oflack of support either from others or from the environment82

            Because they areanxious about not having the support they feel they need the types of this Triadeach use a different solution to gain some degree of security as a defense againsttheir fear82

          Fives are anxious about the world around them and their ability to cope withit. They experience the environment as potentially threatening andoverwhelming and view themselves as unable to meet many of life’s demands.In response to these fears

          • Fives seek security in two main ways: first bydeveloping expertise in some area of knowledge or activity as a way ofreinforcing their selfconfidence and second by reducing their connections withand dependencies on others as much as possible

            Fives begin to view mostaspects of the external world as overpowering and so increasingly withdrawinto the safety of their minds and imaginations.

            Fives deal with theirfear of the environment by retreating from it until they can develop the skill orknowledge to cope with it.

          Seven there is virtually a reverse of the strategy of the Five8364

          • Sevensat first glance do not appear to be afraid of very much at all. They approach lifewith great gusto and exuberance and do not seem to hesitate to explore newexperiences activities or relationships.8364

            A closer look though will reveal thatSevens are anxious about their inner reality.8364

            Not wanting to feel their anxietyand pain they plunge into activity as soon as any degree of fear arises intoawareness.8364

            Sevens doubt their ability to cope with their losses and grief and soturn to the environment for support and to defend themselves against intolerablefeelings.

            Whereas Fives retreat from the external world of activity into thesecurity of their minds83310

            Sevens flee from the anxiety in their minds by findingsecurity in the external world of activity83310

          Sixes in the middle of the Thinking Triad

          • have anxieties about both theexternal environment and their inner world of fear and grief.

            Sixes try toestablish support systems in the world that they hope will fend off real worlddangers.

            they attempt to establish a consistent belief systemwhich will also give them a sense of security and defend them from their innerdemons

            Sixes will be more direct in the ways that they seek security andsupport turning to things outside of themselves as sources of reassurance

            Sixes depend on for security could be anything from a secure job to a goodfriend to a philosophical or religious system of thought

            Sixes illustrate clearly the central themes for the whole Triad: anxiety a feelingof being without adequate support and a search for security.

            When these types are healthy their remarkable insights ideas andability to understand things is unequaled by the other personality types: they arefrequently responsible for outstanding practical creative or scientificachievements.

            When they are unhealthy however their thinking gets out ofbalance in one way or another

        C. Instinctive Triad: Personality Types Eight Nine and One85356

        • These three personality types have in common assets and liabilities whichinvolve instinct

          When they are healthy these types relate to their environmentand to others exceptionally well responding from a deep wisdom withinthemselves frequently as leaders of one kind or another

          However when theyare unhealthy they become out of balance with how they relate to the world andother people.

          Healthy Eights

          • healthy Eights are based on a tremendous vitality and a keenintuition that can see possibilities in situations and in people that others oftenmiss.

            They feel strong and capable and can use their immense selfconfidencecourage and leadership abilities to inspire others to great accomplishments

          Average Eights

          • tend to dominate everything in the environment tooaggressively asserting themselves impulsively and indulging their instinctualneeds for control and satisfaction without much regard for the consequences

          Unhealthy Eights

          • relate to their environment as bullies and tyrants ruthlesslytearing down anyone and anything that stands in their way

          Healthy Nines85458

          • The assets of healthy Nines are based on their openness their ability toidentify intimately with a person or belief and a centeredness that enables themto remain calm even when others around them are reacting hysterically85458

            Thereceptiveness optimism and peacefulness of healthy Nines are reassuring toothers enabling others to flourish because Nines create a harmoniousatmosphere for everyone85458

          Average Nines85458

          • average Nines undermine their owndevelopment (and their ability to deal with reality) by disengaging from a realgrounded connection with their own drives with others and with theenvironment85458

            To maintain their tranquillity Nines begin to idealize the other—whether a person or an abstraction—too much85458

          Unhealthy Nines85458

          • unhealthy Nines becomedangerously fatalistic and neglectful as they cling to what have become littlemore than illusions about reality from which they have dissociated themselves85458

          Healthy Ones20

          • The strengths of healthy Ones involve the ability to relate impartially to theenvironment; they are consequently able to act with wisdom and conviction20

            reasonable fairminded and conscientious guided byprinciples and an inner “knowing” which give them strong consciences and aclear understanding of right and wrong.20

          Average Ones20

          • average Ones are out ofbalance with their natural drives feelings and instincts which they try to controltoo much8

            They strive for nothing less than absolute perfection finding it difficultto accept anything as it is since it can always be better.8

          Unhealthy Ones8

          • Unhealthy Ones areintolerant and selfrighteous becoming obsessed about the corruption they findin others while ignoring their own contradictory actions.8

            In the name of thehighest ideals they can become extraordinarily cruel to themselves and others

          Common problems 891

          • The Eight Nine and One have common problems with repression andaggression which they handle in different ways depending on the personalitytype.

            All three of these types can also be seen as resisting some part of theirexperience to maintain egoboundaries especially by defensively resisting theinfluence of others in different ways

            Eights are perhaps the most openly aggressive or assertive of the nine types.87

            They express their instinctive energy directly standing up for themselves andsaying what they mean. Their powerful connection with their own vitality givesthem great selfconfidence and they are less intimidated by conflicts than theother types87

            Eights resist the external world especially other people.87

            They do not want to be too influenced by others for fear that others would getcontrol over them and harm them.87

            To prevent this from occurring Eights developa tough defiant stance against the world aggressively asserting their wills toprove to themselves that others cannot “get to them.”87

            To do this though Eightsmust repress their vulnerability their tenderness and their desire to be close toothers—a cost that eventually takes its toll on their health and their spirit87

          The Wing91330

          Now that you have tentatively identified your basic personality type we canbegin to make some refinements. It is important to understand that no one is a”pure” personality type9189

          Most people are a unique mixture of their basic type andone of the two types adjacent to it on the circumference of the Enneagram9189

          One ofthe two types adjacent to your basic type is called your “wing.”9189

          The wing is the “second side” of your overall personality andyou must take it into consideration to understand yourself or someone else.

          it is necessary to determine your basic personality type beforeyou can determine which wing you have.92172

          In order to determine your wing youhave to know which traits comprise the two types adjacent to your basic type

          The best way to diagnose your wing is by reading the full descriptions of the twopossible types and by seeing which one best applies to you.

          The extensivedescriptions of the wing subtypes found at the end of each descriptive chapter onthe types should confirm your diagnosis.

          The 18RisoHudson Wing Subtypes291

          The Levels of Development434

          The Direction of Disintegration100

          14285719100480

          The Direction of Integration1025

          1758141691025

          Getting Started107

          • The ultimate purpose of the Enneagram is to help each of us become a fullyfunctioning person

            It helps us to see ourselves more clearly so that we canbecome better balanced and integrated individuals

          goal of a full happy life ripe with experiences wellusedmeans that each of us will become a paradox

          • free yet constrained bynecessity
          • shrewd yet innocent
          • open to others yet selfreliant
          • strong yet ableto yield
          • centered on the highest values yet able to accept imperfection
          • realisticabout the suffering existence imposes on us yet full of gratitude for life as it is
  • Part II
    • Chapter 4 Type TwoThe Helper
      • Type Two: The Helper
      • THE TWO IN PROFILE
      • Healthy
        • Empathetic compassionate feeling with and for others
        • Caring andconcerned about their needs.
        • Outgoing and passionate they offer friendship andkindness.
        • Thoughtful warmhearted forgiving and sincere.
        • Encouraging andappreciative able to see the good in others.
        • Dedicated and supportive of peoplebringing out the best in them.
        • Service is important: they are nurturing generousand giving—truly loving people
        • At Their Best
        • Deeply unselfish humble andaltruistic giving unconditional love to self and others.
        • Feel it is a privilege to bein others’ lives. Radiantly joyful and gracious.
      • Average
        • Engage in “people pleasing” in order to be closer to othersbecoming overly friendly emotionally demonstrative and full of “goodintentions.”

          Bestow seductive attention on others: approval “strokes” flattery

          Talkative especially about love and their relationships.

          Become overlyintimate and intrusive: they need to be needed so they hover meddle andcontrol in the name of love.

          Become overlyintimate and intrusive: they need to be needed so they hover meddle andcontrol in the name of love. Want others to depend on them: give but expect areturn.

          Send mixed messages.

          Enveloping and possessive: the selfsacrificialparenting persons who cannot do enough for others wearing themselves out foreveryone creating needs for themselves to fulfill.

          Increasingly selfimportantand selfsatisfied feel they are indispensable although they overrate their effortsin others’ behalf.

          Seek specific forms of repayment for their help.

          Hypochondriabecoming a “martyr” for others.

          Overbearing patronizing presumptuous

      • Unhealthy
        • Manipulative and selfserving instilling guilt by making othersfeel indebted to them.

          Abuse food and medications to “stuff feelings” and getsympathy.

          Undermine people by making belittling disparaging remarks.

          Extremely selfdeceptive about their motives and how selfish andor aggressivetheir behavior is.

          Domineering and coercive: feel entitled to get anything theywant from others and are bitterly resentful and angry.

          Somatization of theiraggressions results in chronic health problems as they vindicate themselves by”falling apart” and burdening others.

      • Key Motivations
        • Want to be loved to express their feelings for others tobe needed and appreciated to get others to respond to them to vindicate theirclaims about themselves.
      • Examples
        • Mother Teresa
        • Archbishop Desmond Tutu
        • Eleanor Roosevelt
        • Barbara Bush
        • Robert Fulghum
        • Leo Buscaglia
        • Luciano Pavarotti
        • BarryManilow
      • AN OVERVIEW OF THE TWO
      • In the Feeling Triad117
      • Problems with Hostility and Identity120
      • Parental Orientation123
      • ANALYZING THE HEALTHY TWO127
      • Level 1: The Disinterested Altruist127
      • Level 2: The Caring Person129
      • Level 3: The Nurturing Helper131
      • ANALYZING THE AVERAGE TWO135
      • Level 4: The Effusive Friend135
      • Level 5: The Possessive “Intimate”1
      • Level 6: The Selfimportant “Saint”145
      • ANALYZING THE UNHEALTHY TWO149
      • Level 7: The SelfDeceptive Manipulator149
      • Level 8: The Coercive Domintor153
      • Level 9: The Psychosomatic Victim156
      • ANALYZING THE DYNAMICS OF THE TWO159
      • The Direction of Disintegration: The Two Goes to EightThe Leader159
      • The Direction of Integration: The Two Goes to FourThe Individualist162
      • THE MAJOR SUBTYPES OF THE TWO164
      • The Two with a OneWing: “The Servant”164
      • The Two with a ThreeWing: “The HostHostess”166
      • SOME FINAL THOUGHTS170
    • Chapter 5 Type ThreeThe Motivator
      • THE THREE IN PROFILE

        Healthy

        • Selfassured and energetic with high selfesteem: they believe inthemselves and their own value

          Adaptable welladjusted and charming oftenattractive and popular

          Realistic and purposeful with a good sense of theirpotential.

          Ambitious to improve themselves to “be all that they can be”—oftenbecome outstanding a kind of human ideal embodying widely admired qualities

          Others are motivated to be like them in some positive way

          Highspirited goalorientedand persistent.

          They are effective industrious people

          At Their Best

          Innerdirected and authentic everything they seem to be

          Accept their limitationsand live within them

          Selfdeprecatory sense of humor and a childlike innocenceemerge

          Charitable genuinely modest and benevolent

        Average

        • Highly concerned with performance doing the job well beingsuperior and rising above others

          Compare themselves with others in search forstatus and success

          Become driven careerists and social climbers invested inachievement exclusivity and being a “winner.”

          Become imageconscioushighly concerned with how they are perceived.

          Begin to present themselvesaccording to the expectations of others and what they need to do in order to besuccessful

          Pragmatic and efficient but also studied losing touch with their ownfeelings beneath a smooth façade.

          Problems with intimacy credibility andexpediency emerge.

          Want to impress others with their superiority: constantlypromoting themselves making themselves sound better than they really are

          Narcissistic with grandiose inflated notions about themselves and their talents.

          Exhibitionistic and seductive as if saying “Look at me!” Arrogance andcontempt is a defense against feeling jealous of others and their success

        Unhealthy

        • Fearing failure and humiliation they misrepresent themselvesdistorting the truth of their accomplishments

          They can be extremelyunprincipled covetous of the success of others and willing to do “whatever ittakes” to preserve the illusion of their superiority

          Exploitative andopportunistic but also deceptive so that their mistakes and wrongdoings will notbe exposed.

          Pathological lying extreme hostility and delusional jealousy:betraying and sabotaging people in order to triumph over them

          May becomevindictive attempting to ruin what they cannot have.

          Relentless obsessive aboutdestroying whatever reminds them of their own shortcomings and failures

          Psychopathic tendencies: murder

        Key Motivations

        Want to feel valuable and worthwhile to be affirmed todistinguish themselves to have attention to be admired and to impress others

        Examples

        • Bill Clinton
        • Christopher Reeve
        • Michael Landon
        • Richard Gere
        • Shirley MacLaine
        • Jane Pauley
        • Paul McCartney
        • Sting
        • Tom Cruise
        • SharonStone
        • Tony Robbins
        • Bryant Gumbel
        • Dick Clark
        • Vanna White
        • Brooke Shields
        • Kathie Lee Gifford
        • Denzel Washington
        • Sylvester Stallone
        • ArnoldSchwarzenegger
        • Truman Capote
        • O.J. Simpson

        AN OVERVIEW OF THE THREE

        In the Feeling Triad177

        Problems with Hostility and Narcissism180

        Parental Orientation182

        ANALYZING THE HEALTHY THREE186

        Level 1: The Authentic Person186

        Level 2: The SelfAssured Person189

        Level 3: The Outstanding Paragon192

        ANALYZING THE AVERAGE THREE195

        Level 4: The Competitive StatusSeeker195

        Level 5: The ImageConscious Pragmatist198

        Level 6: The SelfPromoting Narcissist205

        ANALYZING THE UNHEALTHY THREE211

        Level 7: The Dishonest Opportunist211

        Level 8: The Malicious Deceiver214

        Level 9: The Vindictive Psychopath216

        ANALYZING THE DYNAMICS OF THE THREE

        The Direction of Disintegration: The Three Goes to Nine

        The Direction of Integration: The Three Goes to Six223

        THE MAJOR SUBTYPES OF THE THREE226

        The Three with a TwoWing: “The Star”226

        The Three with a FourWing: “The Professional”229

        SOME FINAL THOUGHTS232

    • Chapter 6 Type FourThe Individualist
      • Type Four: The Individualist234
      • THE FOUR IN PROFILE
      • Healthy
        • Selfaware introspective engaged in a “search for self” aware offeelings and inner impulses

          Sensitive and intuitive both to self and others:gentle tactful compassionate.

          Highly personal individualistic true to theirfeelings

          Selfrevealing emotionally honest humane

          Ironic view of self andlife: can be serious and funny vulnerable and emotionally strong

          At Their Best

          Profoundly creative expressing the personal and the universal possibly in awork of art

          Inspired selfrenewing and regenerating—able to transform alltheir experiences into something valuable: redemptive and selfcreative

      • Average
        • Take an artistic romantic orientation to life creating a beautifulaesthetic environment to cultivate and prolong personal feelings

          Heightenreality through fantasy passionate feelings and the imagination.

          Long for theidealized partner.

          To stay in touch with feelings they interiorize andpersonalize things becoming selfabsorbed hypersensitive shy and selfconscious.

          Temperamental and moody they play “hard to get” but still feel likeoutsiders.

          Feel that they are different from others and are therefore exempt fromliving as everyone else does until their emotional needs are met.

          Becomemelancholy dreamers disdainful decadent and sensual living in a fantasyworld.

          Selfpity and envy of others leads to selfindulgence.

          Becomeincreasingly impractical unproductive and pretentious—yet waiting for arescuer.

      • Unhealthy
        • When dreams fail become selfinhibiting and angry at selfdepressed and alienated from self and others blocked and emotionallyparalyzed.

          Ashamed of self fatigued and unable to function.

          Stay withdrawn toprotect their selfimage and to buy time to sort out feelings.

          Tormented bydelusional selfcontempt selfreproaches selfhatred and morbid thoughts:everything about them becomes a source of torment.

          Blaming others they driveaway anyone who tries to help them.

          Despairing feel hopeless and becomeselfdestructive possibly abusing alcohol or drugs to escape

          In the extreme:emotional breakdown or suicide is likely.

      • Key Motivations
        • Want to be themselves to express themselves insomething beautiful to find the ideal partner to withdraw to protect theirfeelings to take care of emotional needs before attending to anything else
      • Examples
        • Tennessee Williams
        • Jeremy Irons
        • Rudolf Nureyev
        • IngmarBergman
        • J. D. Salinger
        • Johnny Depp
        • Bob Dylan
        • Joni Mitchell
        • Edgar Allan Poe
        • Virginia Woolf “Blanche DuBois”
      • AN OVERVIEW OF THE FOUR237
      • In the Feeling Triad2
      • Problems with Identity242
      • Parental Orientation244
      • Problems with Hostility and Despair247
      • ANALYZING THE HEALTHY FOUR250
      • Level 1: The Inspired Creator250
      • Level 2: The SelfAware Intuitive252
      • Level 3: The SelfRevealing Individual256
      • ANALYZING THE AVERAGE FOUR259
      • Level 4: The Imaginative Aesthete259
      • Level 5: The SelfAbsorbed Romantic263
      • Level 6: The SelfIndulgent “Exception”269
      • ANALYZING THE UNHEALTHY FOUR275
      • Level 7: The Alienated Depressive275
      • Level 8: The Emotionally Tormented Person277
      • Level 9: The SelfDestructive Person280
      • THE DYNAMICS OF THE FOUR282
      • The Direction of Disintegration: The Four Goes to Two282
      • The Direction of Integration: The Four Goes to One286
      • THE MAJOR SUBTYPES OF THE FOUR288
      • The Four with a ThreeWing: “The Aristocrat”288
      • The Four with a FiveWing: “The Bohemian”291
      • SOME FINAL THOUGHTS295
    • Chapter 7 Type FiveThe Investigator
      • Type Five: The Investigator297
      • THE FIVE IN PROFILE
      • Healthy
        • Observe everything with extraordinary perceptiveness and insight.
        • Arementally alert curious have a searching intelligence: nothing escapes theirnotice
        • Display foresight and prediction abilities
        • Able to concentrate: becomeengrossed in what has caught their attention
        • Attain skillful mastery of whateverinterests them
        • Excited by knowledge: often become expert in some field
        • Innovative and inventive producing extremely valuable original works
        • Highlyindependent idiosyncratic and whimsical.
        • At Their Best
        • Become visionariesbroadly comprehending the world while penetrating it profoundly
        • Openmindedtake things in whole in their true context.
        • Make pioneering discoveries and findentirely new ways of doing and perceiving things
      • Average
        • Begin conceptualizing everything before acting—working thingsout in their minds: model building preparing practicing gathering resources

          Studious acquiring technique.

          Become specialized and often “intellectual”:involvement in research scholarship and building theories.

          Increasinglydetached as they become involved with complicated ideas or imaginary worlds.

          Become preoccupied with their visions and interpretations rather than reality.

          Are fascinated by offbeat esoteric subjects even those involving dark anddisturbing elements.

          Detached from the practical world a “disembodied mind”although highstrung and intense.

          Begin to take an antagonistic stance towardanything which would interfere with their inner world and personal vision.

          Become provocative and abrasive with intentionally extreme and radical views.

          Cynical and argumentative.

      • Unhealthy
        • Become reclusive and isolated from reality eccentric andnihilistic.

          Highly unstable and fearful of aggressions: they reject and repulseothers and all social attachments.

          Get obsessed with yet frightened by theirthreatening ideas becoming horrified delirious and prey to gross distortionsand phobias.

          Seeking oblivion they may commit suicide or have a psychoticbreak with reality.

          Deranged explosively selfdestructive with schizophrenicovertones.

      • Key Motivations
        • Want to be capable and competent to master a body ofknowledge and skill to explore reality to remain undisturbed by others toreduce their needs
      • Examples
        • Albert Einstein
        • Stephen Hawking
        • Friedrich Nietzsche
        • StanleyKubrick
        • Georgia O’Keeffe
        • Emily Dickinson
        • Simone Weil
        • Bill Gates
        • JeanPaul Sartre
        • Jacob Bronowski
        • James Joyce
        • Gary Larson
        • David Lynch
        • StephenKing
        • Tim Burton
        • Clive Barker
        • Laurie Anderson
        • Meredith Monk
        • John Cage
        • Glenn Gould
        • Charles Ives
        • Bobby Fischer
        • Vincent van Gogh.
      • AN OVERVIEW OF THE FIVE
      • In the Thinking Triad301
      • Problems with Security and Anxiety302
      • Parental Orientation305
      • Problems with Detachment and Phobia307
      • ANALYZING THE HEALTHY FIVE309
      • Level 1: The Pioneering Visionary309
      • Level 2: The Perceptive Observer311
      • Level 3: The Focused Innovator315
      • ANALYZING THE AVERAGE FIVE319
      • Level 4: The Studious Expert319
      • Level 5: The Intense Conceptualizer323
      • Level 6: The Provocative Cynic331
      • ANALYZING THE UNHEALTHY FIVE337
      • Level 7: The Isolated Nihilist337
      • Level 8: The Terrified “Alien”341
      • Level 9: The Imploding Schizoid345
      • THE DYNAMICS OF THE FIVE
      • The Direction of Disintegration: The Five Goes to Seven
      • The Direction of Integration: The Five Goes to Eight
      • THE MAJOR SUBTYPES OF THE FIVE354
      • The Five with a FourWing: “The Iconoclast”354
      • The Five with a SixWing: “The Problem Solver”
      • SOME FINAL THOUGHTS362
    • Chapter 8 Type SixThe Loyalist
      • Type Six: The Loyalist364
      • THE SIX IN PROFILE
      • Healthy
        • Able to engage others and identify with them; steadfast earnest andaffectionate

          Trust important: bonding with others forming relationships andalliances

          Dedicated to individuals and movements in which they deeplybelieve

          Community builders: responsible reliable trustworthy. Good foresightand strong organizational ability: natural troubleshooters.

          Hardworking andpersevering sacrificing for others; they create stability and security in theirworld bringing a cooperative spirit.

          At Their Best

          Become selfaffirmingtrusting of self and others independent yet symbiotically interdependent andcooperative as an equal.

          Belief in self leads to true courage positive thinkingleadership and rich selfexpression

      • Average
        • Start investing their time and energy into whatever they believewill be safe and stable

          Organizing and structuring they look to alliances andauthorities for security and continuity

          Make many commitments to others hopingthey will be reciprocated.

          Constantly vigilant anticipating problems

          They seekclear guidelines and feel more secure when systems and procedures are welldefined.

          To resist having more demands made on them they react against otherspassiveaggressively

          Become evasive indecisive cautious procrastinating andambivalent.

          Strong selfdoubt as well as suspicion about others’ motives

          Arehighly reactive anxious and complaining giving contradictory “mixed signals.”

          Internal confusion makes them react unpredictably.

          To compensate forinsecurities they become belligerent meanspirited and sarcastic blamingothers for problems.

          Highly partisan and defensive dividing people into friendsand enemies while looking for threats to their own security

          Authoritarianprejudiced and fearinstilling to silence their own fears.

      • Unhealthy
        • Become clingingly dependent and selfdisparaging with acuteinferiority feelings

          Seeing themselves as helpless and incompetent they seek outa stronger authority or belief to resolve all problems

          Submissive andmasochistic.

          Feeling persecuted that others are “out to get them” they lash outand act irrationally bringing about what they fear

          Fanaticism violence

          Hysterical and seeking to escape punishment they become selfdestructive andsuicidal

          Alcoholism drug overdoses “skid row” selfabasing behavior

      • Key Motivations
        • Want to have security to feel supported to have theapproval of others to test the attitudes of others toward them to defend theirbeliefs.
      • Examples
        • Robert F. Kennedy
        • Malcolm X
        • George Bush
        • Walter Mondale
        • Tom Hanks
        • Bruce Springsteen
        • Candice Bergen
        • Gilda Radner
        • Patrick Swayze
        • Princess Diana
        • Julia Roberts
        • Phil Donahue
        • Jay Leno
        • Johnny Carson
        • DianeKeaton
        • Woody Allen
        • Andy Rooney
        • Jessica Lange
        • Marilyn Monroe
        • OliverNorth
        • J. Edgar Hoover
        • Richard Nixon
        • Rush Limbaugh
      • AN OVERVIEW OF THE SIX367
      • In the Thinking Triad368
      • Problems with Anxiety and Insecurity371
      • Parental Orientation376
      • ANALYZING THE HEALTHY SIX0
      • Level 1: The Valiant Hero0
      • Level 2: The Engaging Friend2
      • Level 3: The Committed Worker5
      • ANALYZING THE AVERAGE SIX390
      • Level 4: The Dutiful Loyalist390
      • Level 5: The Ambivalent Pessimist395
      • Level 6: The Authoritarian Rebel400
      • ANALYZING THE UNHEALTHY SIX407
      • Level 7: The Overreacting Dependent407
      • Level 8: The Paranoid Hysteric411
      • Level 9: The SelfDefeating Masochist415
      • THE DYNAMICS OF THE SIX419
      • The Direction of Disintegration: The Six Goes to Three419
      • The Direction of Integration: The Six Goes to Nine423
      • THE MAJOR SUBTYPES OF THE SIX425
      • The Six with a FiveWing: “The Defender”425
      • The Six with a SevenWing: “The Buddy”428
      • SOME FINAL THOUGHTS432
    • Chapter 9 Type SevenThe Enthusiast
      • Type Seven: The Enthusiast434
      • THE SEVEN IN PROFILE
      • Healthy
        • Highly responsive excitable enthusiastic about sensation andexperience

          Lively vivacious eager spontaneous resilientcheerful.

          Easily become accomplished achievers generalists who do manydifferent things well: multitalented

          Practical productive usually prolific crossfertilizingareas of interest.

          At Their Best: Assimilate experiences in depthmaking them deeply grateful and appreciative for what they have

          Become awedby the simple wonders of life: joyous and ecstatic.

          Intimations of spiritualreality of the boundless goodness of life

      • Average
        • As appetites increase become acquisitive materialistic “worldlywise” constantly amusing themselves with new things and experiences: thesophisticate connoisseur and consumer.

          Money variety keeping up with thelatest trends important.

          Become hyperactive unable to say no to themselves todeny themselves anything

          Uninhibited doing and saying whatever comes tomind: storytelling flamboyant exaggerations wisecracking performing

          Fearbeing bored so keep in perpetual motion but do too many things—becomesuperficial dilettantes.

          Conspicuous consumption and all forms of excess.

          Selfcenteredand greedy never feeling that they have enough.

          Demanding and pushyyet unsatisfied crude jaded.

          Addictive hardened insensitive.

      • Unhealthy
        • Become offensive and abusive while going after what they want.

          Impulsive and infantile: do not know when to stop.

          Addictions and excesses taketheir toll leaving debauched depraved dissipated escapists.

          In flight fromself they act out impulses rather than deal with anxiety or frustrations: go out ofcontrol have erratic mood swings and act compulsively (manias).

          Finallytheir energy and health is completely spent: become claustrophobic and panicstricken.

          Often give up on themselves and life: deep depression and despairselfdestructive overdoses impulsive suicide.

      • Key Motivations:
        • Want to be happy and satisfied to have a wide variety ofexperiences to keep their options to enjoy life and amuse themselves toescape anxiety.
      • Examples
        • John F. Kennedy
        • Leonard Bernstein
        • Steven Spielberg
        • MalcolmForbes
        • Marianne Williamson
        • Elizabeth Taylor
        • Mozart
        • Arthur Rubinstein
        • Federico Fellini
        • Dr. Richard Feynman
        • Timothy Leary
        • Robin Williams
        • JimCarrey
        • Bette Midler
        • Elton John
        • Liza Minnelli
        • Bruce Willis
        • Jack Nicholson
        • Joan Collins
        • Noel Coward
        • Larry King
        • Joan Rivers
        • Regis Philbin
        • SusanLucci
        • Geraldo Rivera
        • Howard Stern
        • Liberace
        • John Belushi
        • Auntie Mame
      • AN OVERVIEW OF THE SEVEN437
      • In the Thinking Triad439
      • Problems with Anxiety and Insecurity442
      • Parental Orientation444
      • Problems with Appetites and Aggressions445
      • ANALYZING THE HEALTHY SEVEN448
      • Level 1: The Ecstatic Appreciator448
      • Level 2: The FreeSpirited Optimist450
      • Level 3: The Accomplished Generalist453
      • ANALYZING THE AVERAGE SEVEN457
      • Level 4: The Experienced Sophisticate457
      • Level 5: The Hyperactive Extrovert462
      • Level 5: The Hyperactive Extrovert462
      • Level 6: The Excessive Hedonist467
      • ANALYZING THE UNHEALTHY SEVEN473
      • Level 7: The Impulsive Escapist473
      • Level 8: The Manic Compulsive477
      • Level 9: The PanicStricken “Hysteric”479
      • THE DYNAMICS OF THE SEVEN482
      • The Direction of Disintegration: The Seven Goes to One482
      • The Direction of Integration: The Seven Goes to Five486
      • THE MAJOR SUBTYPES OF THE SEVEN488
      • The Seven with a SixWing: “The Entertainer”488
      • The Seven with an EightWing: “The Realist”491
      • SOME FINAL THOUGHTS495
    • Chapter 10 Type EightThe Leader
      • Type Eight: The Leader497
      • THE EIGHT IN PROFILE
      • Healthy
        • Selfassertive selfconfident and strong: able to stand up for whatthey need and want.

          A resourceful “can do” attitude and passionate inner drive

          Decisive authoritative and commanding: the natural leader others look up to.

          Take initiative make things happen champion people providing protective andhonorable they carry others with their strength.

          At Their Best: Become selfrestrainedand magnanimous merciful and forbearing mastering self throughtheir selfsurrender to a higher authority.

          Courageous willing to put self inserious jeopardy to achieve their vision and have a lasting influence

          Mayachieve true heroism and historical greatness.

      • Average
        • Selfsufficiency financial independence and having enoughresources are important concerns: become enterprising pragmatic “ruggedindividualists” wheelerdealers.

          Risktaking hardworking denying ownemotional needs.

          Begin to dominate their environment including others: wantto feel that others are behind them supporting their efforts.

          The “boss” whoseword is law: swaggering boastful forceful and expansive.

          Proud egocentricwant to impose their will and vision; not seeing others as equals or treating themwith respect.

          Become highly combative and intimidating: confrontationalbelligerent creating adversarial relationships.

          Everything becomes a test ofwills and they will not back down.

          Use threats and reprisals to get obediencefrom others to keep others offbalance and insecure.

      • Unhealthy
        • Defying any attempts to control them they become completelyruthless dictatorial “might makes right.”

          The criminal and outlaw renegade andcon artist.

          Hardhearted immoral and potentially violent.

          Develop delusionalideas about their power invincibility and ability to prevail: megalomania

          Feelomnipotent invulnerable.

          Recklessly overextend themselves.

          If they get indanger they may brutally destroy everything that has not conformed to their willrather than surrender to anyone else.

          Vengeful barbaric murderous. Sociopathictendencies.

      • Key Motivations
        • Want to be selfreliant to resist their weakness to have animpact on the environment to assert themselves to stay in control to prevailover others to be invincible.
      • Examples
        • Martin Luther King Jr.
        • Franklin Delano Roosevelt
        • LyndonJohnson
        • Mikhail Gorbachev
        • G. I. Gurdjieff
        • Pablo Picasso
        • Richard Wagner
        • Indira Gandhi
        • Kathleen Turner
        • Marlon Brando
        • John Wayne
        • Charlton Heston
        • Sean Connery
        • Ernest Hemingway
        • Norman Mailer
        • Mike Wallace
        • BarbaraWalters
        • Ann Richards
        • Lee Iacocca
        • Donald Trump
        • Frank Sinatra
        • Bette Davis
        • Roseanne
        • Leona Helmsley
        • Ross Perot
        • Fidel Castro
        • Saddam Hussein
        • Napoleon
        • Jim Jones
        • Don Vito Corleone
      • AN OVERVIEW OF THE EIGHT500
      • In the Instinctive Triad501
      • Problems with Aggression and Repression
      • Parental Orientation508
      • ANALYZING THE HEALTHY EIGHT
      • Level 1: The Magnanimous Heart
      • Level 2: The SelfConfident Person515
      • Level 3: The Constructive Leader517
      • ANALYZING THE AVERAGE EIGHT521
      • Level 4: The Enterprising Adventurer521
      • Level 5: The Dominating Power Broker526
      • Level 6: The Confrontational Adversary532
      • ANALYZING THE UNHEALTHY EIGHT5
      • Level 7: The Ruthless Outlaw5
      • Level 8: The Omnipotent Megalomaniac542
      • Level 9: The Violent Destroyer545
      • THE DYNAMICS OF THE EIGHT
      • The Direction of Disintegration: The Eight Goes to Five
      • The Direction of Integration: The Eight Goes to Two550
      • THE MAJOR SUBTYPES OF THE EIGHT553
      • The Eight with a SevenWing: “The Maverick”553
      • The Eight with a NineWing: “The Bear”556
      • SOME FINAL THOUGHTS560
    • Chapter 11 Type NineThe Peacemaker
      • Type Nine: The Peacemaker562
      • THE NINE IN PROFILE
      • Healthy
        • Deeply receptive accepting unselfconscious emotionally stable andserene

          Trusting of self and others at ease with self and life innocent andsimple

          Patient unpretentious goodnatured genuinely nice.

          Imaginative andcreative attuned to nonverbal communication

          Optimistic reassuringsupportive: have a healing and calming influence—harmonizing groups bringingpeople together

          A good mediator synthesizer and communicator

          At Their Best:Become selfpossessed feeling autonomous and fulfilled: have great equanimityand contentment because they are present to themselves

          Paradoxically at onewith self and thus able to form more profound relationships.

          More alive awakealert to self and others.

      • Average
        • Become selfeffacing and agreeable accommodating themselvesidealizing others and “going along” with things to avoid conflict

          Have a”philosophy of life” that enables them to quiet their anxieties quickly

          Submergethemselves in fulfilling functions for others.

          In their reactions they areunresponsive and complacent walking away from problems and “sweeping themunder the rug.”

          Become passive disengaged unreflective and inattentive.

          Thinking becomes hazy and ruminative mostly about their fantasies as theybegin to “tune out” reality becoming oblivious.

          Emotional indolenceunwillingness to exert self (and stay focused) on problems: passiveaggressiveand indifferent.

          Begin to minimize problems to appease others and to have”peace at any price.”

          Become fatalistic and resigned but also stubborn andresistant to influence.

          Practice wishful thinking and wait for magical solutions.Inadvertently create conflicts with others by their denial and obstinance

      • Unhealthy
        • Can be repressed undeveloped and ineffectual.

          Do not want todeal with problems: become depressed and listless dissociating self from allconflicts.

          Neglectful and dangerously irresponsible.

          Wanting to block out ofawareness anything that could affect them they dissociate so much that theyeventually cannot function: become numb depersonalized.

          Becoming severelydisoriented and catatonic they abandon themselves turning into shattered shells

          Multiple personalities possible

      • Key Motivations
        • To have serenity and peace of mind to create harmony intheir environment to preserve things as they are to avoid conflicts and tensionto escape upsetting problems and demands on them.
      • Examples
        • Abraham Lincoln
        • Joseph Campbell
        • Carl Jung
        • Ronald Reagan
        • Gerald Ford
        • Queen Elizabeth n
        • Princess Grace of Monaco
        • Walter Cronkite
        • Walt Disney
        • George Lucas
        • Garrison Keillor
        • Sophia Loren
        • Kevin Costner
        • Keanu Reeves
        • Woody Harrelson
        • Ron Howard
        • Ringo Starr
        • Whoopi Goldberg
        • Janet Jackson
        • Nancy Kerrigan
        • Linda Evans
        • Ingrid Bergman
        • Perry Como
        • JimHenson
        • Marc Chagall
        • Norman Rockwell
        • Edith Bunker
        • MargeSimpson
      • AN OVERVIEW OF THE NINE
      • In the Instinctive Triad
      • Problems with Repression and Aggression
      • Parental Orientation571
      • Problems with Awareness and Individuality
      • ANALYZING THE HEALTHY NINE5
      • Level 1: The SelfPossessed Guide5
      • Level 2: The Receptive Person580
      • Level 3: The Supportive Peacemaker
      • ANALYZING THE AVERAGE NINE
      • Level 4: The Accommodating RolePlayer
      • Level 5: The Disengaged Participant
      • Level 6: The Resigned Fatalist596
      • ANALYZING THE UNHEALTHY NINE601
      • Level 7: The Denying Doormat601
      • Level 8: The Dissociating Automaton604
      • Level 9: The SelfAbandoning Ghost606
      • THE DYNAMICS OF THE NINE
      • The Direction of Disintegration: The Nine Goes to Six
      • The Direction of Integration: The Nine Goes to Three
      • THE MAJOR SUBTYPES OF THE NINE
      • The Nine with an EightWing: “The Comfort Seeker”
      • The Nine with a OneWing: “The Dreamer”
      • SOME FINAL THOUGHTS
    • Chapter 12 Type OneThe Reformer
      • Type One: The Reformer
      • THE ONE IN PROFILE
      • Healthy
        • Conscientious with strong personal convictions: they have an intensesense of right and wrong personal and moral values

          Wish to be rationalreasonable and selfdisciplined mature and moderate in all things.

          Highlyprincipled strive to be fair objective and ethical: truth and justice are primaryvalues

          Sense of responsibility personal integrity and of having a higherpurpose often make them teachers and witnesses to the truth

          At Their Best:Become extraordinarily wise and discerning. By accepting what is they becometranscendentally realistic knowing the best thing to do in all circumstances

          Humane inspiring and hopeful: the truth will be heard

      • Average
        • Dissatisfied with reality they become highminded idealistsfeeling that it is up to them to improve everything

          Crusaders advocates criticsthey embrace “causes” and point out how things “ought” to be.

          Afraid of makinga mistake: everything must be consistent with their ideals.

          Become orderly andwellorganized but impersonal rigid emotionally constricted keeping theirfeelings and impulses in check.

          Often workaholics—”analcompulsive”punctual pedantic and fastidious.

          Highly critical both of self and others: pickyjudgmental perfectionistic.

          Very opinionated about everything: correctingpeople and badgering them to “do the right thing”—as they see it. Impatientnever satisfied with anything unless it is done according to their prescriptions

      • Moralizing scolding abrasive and indignantly angry
      • Unhealthy
        • Can be highly dogmatic selfrighteous intolerant andinflexible.

          Begin dealing in absolutes: they alone know “the Truth”; everyoneelse is wrong.

          Make very severe judgments of others while rationalizing theirown actions.

          Become obsessive about imperfection and the wrongdoing ofothers.

          Begin to act in contradictory ways hypocritically doing the opposite ofwhat they preach

          Become condemnatory punitive and cruel in order to ridthemselves of whatever they believe is disturbing them.

          Severe depressionnervous breakdowns and suicide attempts are likely.

      • Key Motivations
        • Want to be right to have integrity and balance to strivehigher and improve others to be consistent with their ideals to justifythemselves to be beyond criticism so as not to be condemned by anyone
      • Examples
        • Pope John Paul II
        • Mahatma Gandhi
        • Margaret Thatcher
        • AlGore
        • Elie Wiesel
        • Barbara Jordan
        • Bill Moyers
        • Katharine Hepburn
        • HarrisonFord
        • Ralph Nader
        • Sandra Day O’Connor
        • William F. Buckley
        • Noam Chomsky
        • George Bernard Shaw
        • Joan of Arc
        • Mr. Spock
        • In the Instinctive Triad
        • Problems with Repression and Aggression
        • Parental Orientations634
        • Problems with Anger and Perfection
        • ANALYZING THE HEALTHY ONE
        • Level 1: The Wise Realist
        • Level 2: The Reasonable Person
        • Level 3: The Principled Teacher
        • ANALYZING THE AVERAGE ONE
        • Level 4: The Idealistic Reformer
        • Level 5: The Orderly Person
        • Level 6: The Judgmental Perfectionist
        • ANALYZING THE UNHEALTHY ONE
        • Level 7: The Intolerant Misanthrope
        • Level 8: The Obsessive Hypocrite
        • Level 9: The Punitive Avenger
        • THE DYNAMICS OF THE ONE
        • The Direction of Disintegration: The One Goes to Four
        • The Direction of Integration: The One Goes to Seven
        • THE MAJOR SUBTYPES OF THE ONE
        • The One with a NineWing: “The Idealist”
        • The One with a TwoWing: “The Advocate”
        • SOME FINAL THOUGHTS
      • AN OVERVIEW OF THE ONE
      • In the Instinctive Triad
      • Problems with Repression and Aggression
      • Jungian typology632
      • Parental Orientations634
      • Problems with Anger and Perfection
      • ANALYZING THE HEALTHY ONE
      • Level 1: The Wise Realist
      • Level 2: The Reasonable Person
      • Level 3: The Principled Teacher
      • ANALYZING THE AVERAGE ONE
      • Level 4: The Idealistic Reformer
      • Level 5: The Orderly Person
      • Level 6: The Judgmental Perfectionist
      • ANALYZING THE UNHEALTHY ONE658
      • Level 7: The Intolerant Misanthrope
      • Level 8: The Obsessive Hypocrite
      • Level 9: The Punitive Avenger
      • THE DYNAMICS OF THE ONE665
      • The Direction of Disintegration: The One Goes to Four
      • The Direction of Integration: The One Goes to Seven
      • THE MAJOR SUBTYPES OF THE ONE
      • The One with a NineWing: “The Idealist”
      • The One with a TwoWing: “The Advocate”
      • SOME FINAL THOUGHTS
  • Part III
    • Chapter 13 Advanced Guidelines
      • Advanced Guidelines680
      • THE DIRECTIONS OF INTEGRATION ANDDISINTEGRATION681
      • THE WING690
      • THE LEVELS OF DEVELOPMENT
      • The Levels of Development
        • In the Healthy Levels
          • AT LEVEL
            • The type at its very healthiest a state of psychological balancefreedom and the emergence of special spiritual capacities or virtues. The idealstate for the type reflecting the essential qualities of the type.
          • AT LEVEL 2
            • The type is still healthy but the ego and its defenses begin to emergein response to basic anxieties from childhood. Deepest fears and desires emergethe result of relationships with parents. Sense of self and the type’s cognitivestyle as a whole manifest themselves
          • AT LEVEL 3
            • Still healthy but less so. The ego is more active producing acharacteristic persona. The healthy social characteristics which the type bringsto others and society appear.
        • In the Average Levels
          • AT LEVEL 4
            • The type has begun to become subtly unbalanced by drawing on itscharacteristic source of psychic energy which is different for each type. Eachtype’s unwitting psychological dead end emerges which if followed will createincreasing intrapsychic and interpersonal conflicts
          • AT LEVEL 5
            • The ego inflates as the type tries to control the environment incharacteristic ways. Defense mechanisms become more serious. A markedturning point in the deterioration of the type; traits noticeably less healthy morenegative. Conflicts with others increase
          • AT LEVEL 6:
            • The person begins to overcompensate for conflicts and increasinganxieties. Characteristic forms of selfcenteredness emerge here. Conflicts withothers escalate as various forms of egodefense are acted on.
        • In the Unhealthy Levels
          • AT LEVEL 7
            • The person employs highly dysfunctional and ultimately selfdefeatingsurvival tactics different for each type in a desperate attempt tobolster the ego which is assailed by increasing anxiety. Serious interpersonalconflicts now.
          • AT LEVEL 8
            • Serious intrapsychic conflicts and resulting delusional defensesemployed. Attempts to remake reality rather than succumb to it and anxiety. Adeeply neurotic state: person getting out of touch with reality in some waydifferent for each type.
          • AT LEVEL 9700
            • A fully pathological state. Person out of touch with reality willing todestroy self andor others to save illusions and to spare self from the anxiety ofrealizing what he or she has done. Different forms of immediate or remote selfdestructivenessmanifest themselves resulting in serious violence breakdownor death.700
      • THE INSTINCTUAL TYPES
        • SelfPreservation
          • The focus here is easy to understand from the name.

            People of this Instinctual type are preoccupied with basic survival needs as theytranslate in our contemporary society

            concerned with money food housing health physical safety and comfort.

            Beingsafe and physically comfortable are priorities.

            These people are quick to noticeany problems in a room such as poor lighting or uncomfortable chairs or to bedissatisfied with the room temperature.

            They often have issues connected withfood and drink either overdoing it or having strict dietary requirements

            In thehealthy to average Levels of the three Instinctual types they are the mostpractical in the sense of taking care of basic life necessities—paying billsmaintaining the home and workplace acquiring useful skills and so forth.

            Whenthese types deteriorate they tend to distort the instinct to the degree that they arepoor at taking care of themselves.

            Unhealthy SelfPreservation types eat andsleep poorly or become obsessed with health issues.

            They often have difficultyhandling money and may act out in deliberately selfdestructive ways.

            In anutshell no matter what Enneagram personality type is involved SelfPreservation types are focused on enhancing their personal security and physicalcomfort.

        • Social
          • This variant is focused on their interactions with other people andwith the sense of value or esteem they derive from their participation incollective activities.707

            These include work family hobbies clubs—basically anyarena in which Social types can interact with others for some shared purpose.707

            The instinct underlying this behavior was an important one in human survival.707

            Human beings on their own are rather weak vulnerable creatures and easily fallprey to a frequently hostile environment707

            By learning to live and work togetherour ancestors created the safety necessary for human beings not only to survivebut to thrive.707

            Within that social instinct however are many other implicitimperatives and primary among them is the understanding of “place” within ahierarchical social structure.707

            This is as true for dogs and gorillas as it is forhuman beings. Thus the desire for attention recognition honor success fameleadership appreciation and the safety of belonging can all be seen asmanifestations of the Social instinct.707

            Social types like to know what is going onaround them and want to make some kind of contribution to the humanenterprise. There is often an interest in the events and activities of one’s ownculture or sometimes of another culture.707

            Social types enjoyinteracting with people but they avoid intimacy. In their imbalanced unhealthyforms these types can become profoundly antisocial detesting people andresenting their society or having poorly developed social skills707

            In a nutshell nomatter what Enneagram personality type is involved Social types are focused oninteracting with people in ways that will build their personal value their senseof accomplishment and their security of “place” with others.707

        • Sexual707
          • Many people originally identify themselves as this type perhapsconfusing the idea of a Sexual Instinctual type with being a “sexy” person708

            Ofcourse “sexiness” is in the eye of the beholder and there are plenty of “sexy”people in all three of the Instinctual types.708

            Furthermore lest one think this typemore “glamorous” than the other two one would do well to remember that theinstinct can become distorted in the type leading to the area of life causing thegreatest problems.708

            In healthy to average Sexual types there is a desire forintensity of experience—not just sexual experience but any activity having asimilar “charge.”708

            This intensity could be found in a great conversation or anexciting movie.708

            Much has been said about this type preferring oneononerelationships versus the Social type’s preference for larger groups but a quickpoll of one’s acquaintances will reveal that almost all people prefercommunicating oneonone rather than in a group.708

            The question is more one ofthe intensity of contact and the strength of the desire for intimacy708

            Sexual typesare the “intimacy junkies” of the Instinctual types often neglecting pressingobligations or even basic “maintenance” if they are swept up in someone orsomething that has captivated them.708

            This gives a wideranging exploratoryapproach to life but also a lack of focus on one’s own priorities708

            In theirneurotic forms this type can manifest with a wandering lack of focus sexualpromiscuity and acting out or just the opposite in a fearful dysfunctionalattitude toward sex and intimacy.708

            Sexual types however will be intense evenabout their avoidances.708

            In conclusion no matter what Enneagram personalitytype is involved Sexual types are focused on having intense intimateinteractions and experiences with others and with the environment to give them apowerful sense of “aliveness.”708

    • Chapter 14 Theory of Enneagram
      • The Theory of the Enneagram709
      • THE ENNEAGRAM AND OTHER TYPOLOGIES712
      • Karen Homey and the Enneagram712
      • In the Feeling Triad713
      • In the Thinking Triad714
      • In the Instinctive Triad714
      • Freud and the Enneagram719
      • Freudian Structural Concepts725
      • Jung and the Enneagram727
      • The Jungian Correlations727
      • Psychiatric Designations and the Enneagram
      • The DSMIV Correlations
      • ANALYZING THE ENNEAGRAM
      • A Dialectical Approach735
      • A Developmental Approach
      • A Dynamic Freudian Approach740
      • The Freudian Dynamics of the Enneagram
    • Chapter 15 Postscript: Moving Towards Wisdom
      • Postscript: Moving Toward Wisdom748
  • Appendix
    • THE MEANING OF THE LEVELS OF DEVELOPMENT
    • In the Healthy Levels
      • AT LEVEL 1: The Level of Liberation
      • AT LEVEL 2: The Level of Psychological Capacity
      • AT LEVEL 3: The Level of Social Value
      • AT LEVEL 4: The Level of Imbalance
      • AT LEVEL 5: The Level of Interpersonal Control
      • AT LEVEL 6: The Level of Overcompensation
    • In the Unhealthy Levels
      • AT LEVEL 7: The Level of Violation
      • AT LEVEL 8: The Level of Delusional Thinking and Compulsive Behavior
      • AT LEVEL 9: The Level of Pathological Destructiveness
    • THE CORE DYNAMICS765
    • The Layout766
      • PERSONALITY TYPE TWO: The Helper
        • Parental Orientation: Ambivalent to the protectivefigure
      • PERSONALITY TYPE THREE: The Motivator7
        • Parental Orientation: Connected to the Nurturingfigure7
      • PERSONALITY TYPE FOUR: The Individualist1
        • Parental Orientation: Disconnected from Both Parents1
      • PERSONALITY TYPE FIVE: The Investigator4
        • Parental Orientation: Ambivalent to Both Parents4
      • PERSONALITY TYPE SIX: The Loyalist7
        • Parental Orientation: Connected to the protectivefigure7
      • PERSONALITY TYPE SEVEN: The Enthusiast
        • Parental Orientation: Disconnected to the Nurturingfigure
      • PERSONALITY TYPE EIGHT: The Leader7
        • Parental Orientation: Ambivalent to the Nurturingfigure7
      • PERSONALITY TYPE NINE: The Peacemaker
        • Parental Orientation: Connected to Both Parents
      • PERSONALITY TYPE ONE: The Reformer
        • Parental Orientation: Disconnected from the protectivefigure
  • What do you think about the book?
  • Conclusions:
  • Recommendations:
  • Compiled By:
    • blindcaveman.wordpress.com
    • Rigel Arcayan

MindMap-BookSummary-NormalPersonality

MindMap-BookSummary-NormalPersonality

  • About Normal Personality
    • Book-Normal Personality
    • Author-Steven Reiss
    • ISBN-978-052-0521707442
    • Chapters: 10
    • Pages: 213
    • myRating: 5 Stars
  • Chapters
    • 1 My Wife Thinks Something Is Wrong with Me 9
    • 2 The Sixteen Basic Desires 20
    • 3 Intensity of Basic Motivation 37
    • 4 Normal Personality Types 56
    • 5 Overcoming Personal Troubles 72
    • 6 Six Reasons for Adolescent Underachievement 85
    • 7 Self-Hugging and Personal Blind Spots 99
    • 8 Relationships 110
    • 9 Reinterpretation of Myers-Briggs Personality Types 126
    • 10 The Sixteen Principles of Motivation 143
  • 16 Desires:
    • 1. Acceptance, the desire to avoid criticism and rejection
    • 2. Curiosity, the desire for cognition
    • 3. Eating, the desire for food
    • 4. Family, the desire to raise one’s own children
    • 5. Honor, the desire to behave morally
    • 6. Idealism, the desire for social justice
    • 7. Independence, the desire for self-reliance
    • 8. Order, the desire for structure
    • 9. Physical Activity, the desire to move one’s muscles
    • 10.Power, the desire for influence of will
    • 11.Romance, the desire for sex
    • 12.Saving, the desire to collect
    • 13.Social Contact, the desire for friendship
    • 14.Status, the desire for prestige
    • 15.Tranquility, the desire for inner peace
    • 16.Vengeance, the desire to get even
  • 7 Personality Types:
    • Workaholic
      • Conventional wisdom: Unconsciously motivated to escape from personal troubles.
      • Motivation analysis: Consciously motivated by a strong need for achievement.
    • Competitor
      • Psychodynamics: Unconsciously motivated by sibling rivalry or insecurity about a parent’s love.
      • Motivation analysis: Consciously motivated by a strong intrinsic need to win.
    • Humanitarian
      • Psychodynamics: Unconsciously motivated by self-destructiveness and guilt.
      • Motivation analysis: Consciously motivated by an intrinsic valuation of social justice.
    • Thinker
      • Psychodynamics: Unconsciously motivated by sublimated sexual energy.
      • Motivation analysis: Consciously motivated by a strong intrinsic valuation of knowledge and ideas.
    • Romantic
      • Psychodynamics: Unconsciously uses sex to compensate for the love parents had withheld during childhood.

        Motivation analysis: Consciously motivated by an intrinsic valuation of sex.

    • Loner
      • Behaviorism: Lacks social skills.

        Psychodynamics: Multiple causes: abnormal development, schizoid personality traits, distrust of others, unconscious hostility, fear of rejection.

        Motivation analysis: Consciously motivated by an intrinsic valuation of solitude.

    • Ascetic
      • Psychodynamics: Unconsciously motivated by self-destructiveness.
      • Motivation analysis: Consciously motivated by extreme valuation of personal honor.
  • 6 Reasons for Adolescent Under Achievement
    • 1. Lack of Curiosity-low RSMP score on Curiosity, the desire for cognition/learning
    • 2. Lack of ambition-low RSMP score on Power, the desire for influence of will
    • 3. Looking for trouble-high RSMP score on Vengeance, the desire to get even
    • 4. Fear of failure-high RSMP score on Acceptance, the desire to avoid criticism and rejection
    • 5. Expedience-low RSMP score on Honor, the desire to behave morally
    • 6. Spontaneity-low RSMP score on Order, the desire for structure
  • 6 Reasons for Adolescent Under Achievement
    • 1. Lack of Curiosity
      • low RSMP score for “curiosity”

        Difference between intelligence and intellectual curiosity

        intelligence is an indicator of one’s ability to solve problems

        intellectual curiosity is an indicator of one’s motivation (or need) to think.

        incurious students with low grades in high school showed levels of intellectual curiosity significantly below the norm

        incurious students disliked thinking

        incurious students had a general lack of intellectual curiosity, as opposed to a lack of curiosity in particular subjects.

        incurious students did poorly in science, for example, because they quickly became frustrated when asked to concentrate and sustain their thoughts on anything.

        incurious people dislike having to think

        incurious people have the potential to value knowledge they can put to use

        incurious students may be interested in relevant knowledge but not theoretical ideas

        incurious students naturally dislike intellectual activities that require them to learn about anything they cannot put to use in their current life.

    • 2. Lack of ambition
      • low RSMP scores for “power” indicate sub-average ambition
      • unambitious students lack will and initiative and are viewed by others as laid-back or nondirective
      • unambitious students resist trying to influence other people
      • unambitious students are onlookers who watch events unfold without trying to influence what happens
      • lack of ambition is unrelated to a lack of self-confidence
      • unambitious students do not lack ambition because they are insecure
      • unambitious students lack ambition because they dislike expressions of will
      • unambitious students underachieve because they do not apply themselves
      • unambitious students set modest goals and avoid challenging courses
      • unambitious students dislike hard work
      • unambitious students may be willing to work at a moderate pace but no harder
      • unambitious students place higher value on leisure and lower value on achieving
      • unambitious students quits when pushed to work hard
      • students who lack ambition may have a tendency to underachieve throughout life
    • 3. Looking for trouble
      • high RSMP scores for “vengeance” are looking for trouble

        troublemakers are out to prove themselves by fighting peers who challenge or frustrate them

        troublemakers can get themselves into so much trouble it distracts them from their school work, leading to grades significantly below their capability.

        combativeness is an important cause of underachievement throughout life

        combative adults fight so many battles with others they become distracted from what they need to do to get ahead

        students with a high need for vengeance are attentive to issues of insult, competition, and conflict

        troublemakers are quick to take offense and to fight back

        troublemakers are impressed with peers who win fights

        combativeness is normal when it is expressed as a burning desire for competition and winning or when it motivates self-defense

        combativeness may be abnormal, when it is expressed as persistent violence, brutality, or poorly managed anger,

        combativeness may be abnormal when it is one part of a specific pattern of symptoms recognized as a mental disorder

        Parents and counselors should help combative students find socially appropriate outlets for their competitive nature.

        careers including sports, military life, and business reward competitiveness

        competitive students may need to learn the difference between socially appropriate competition versus inappropriate or excessive confrontation or aggression

        competitive students may need to be taught the potentially severe damage to reputation or status that can result from inappropriate confrontations and outbursts

        highly competitive students may benefit from anger management training

    • 4. Fear of failure
      • high RSMP scores on the basic desire for “acceptance” indicate an above average fear of failure and a lack of self-confidence

        students who fear failure worry about not doing well on tests and may show test anxiety or give inconsistent effort

        students who fear failure may try hard on easy tasks but not on challenging tasks

        students who fear failure may become known for poor effort or for inconsistent effort

        students who fear failure respond poorly to criticism

        criticism may cause them to quit or at least perform poorly

        parents/teachers-don’t be judgmental, be supportive and non critical

        parents-always encourage your children

        increase self confidence

        develop a higher self-esteem

        work on fighting insecurities

        concentrate on your strengths, not weaknesses

    • 5. Expedience
      • below-average RSMP scores for “honor”

        expedient individuals take advantage of opportunities without regard for the consequences for others

        expedient students placed lower-than-average value on morality and character

        expedient students see nothing wrong in breaking promises when better opportunities come along

        opportunism can lead to personal gains in the short run, but in the long run expedient people can pay a heavy price when others realize their opportunism.

        expedient individuals may be loyal to others only to the extent that others are loyal to them

        expedient individuals lack of loyalty to their superiors is perhaps the most important reason expedient adults have a tendency to “fall from grace” and, thus, underachieve.

        expedient students can be disloyal, irresponsible, and untrustworthy

        expedient students underachieve when they shirk their homework and other school responsibilities

        expedient students students need to learn that their teachers and parents are not going to let them get away with anything

        expedient students need to be taught that people who cheat are very likely to get caught eventually

        expedient students may need strict ethical limits

        expedient students will play by the rules when it is to their advantage to do so

    • 6. Spontaneity
      • below-average RSMP scores for “order”

        spontaneous people underachieve primarily because they have too many balls in the air

        spontaneous people do not complete what they begin

        spontaneous people tend to start a new task before they finish work on the old task

        spontaneous people lack attention to detail and general lack of planning and organization skills

        spontaneous people are careless

        teaching them organization or planning skills is largely unhelpful because they are disorganized by choice, not by a lack of skills

        spontaneous people value their ability to adjust to events as they arise, they have little use for plans

        spontaneous people with a low need for order can be creative

        spontaneous people need to be taught to stay focused on a single course of action at a time

        spontaneous people need to learn to complete one task before moving on to the next

        spontaneous people also may need to learn how others perceive them

        spontaneous people they are impressing teachers by working on multiple projects, when in reality the teachers are thinking they are too scattered to do any one job well.

        a weak need for order motivates students to be spontaneous and disorganized.

  • Relationship Principles:
    • Principle 1. We naturally bond to people whose values and pursuits are similar to ours.

      Principle 2. We naturally separate from people whose values and pursuits are very different from ours.

      Principle 3. The problem in troubled marriages is with the match, not the individuals.

      Principle 4. Conflicts of intrinsically held values are very difficult to resolve.

      Principle 5. Perpetual marriage quarrels are motivated by conflicts of intrinsically held values (which are caused by significant differences in the intensities of basic desires).

      Principle 6. Better to marry the right person to begin with than to need counselors to teach you how to get along with somebody else.

  • Self Hugging and Blind Spots
    • Self-hugging is a natural tendency to think that our values are best, not just for us, but potentially for everyone. When people learn that a particular lifestyle makes them happy, they think they have learned something about human nature, when in reality they have only learned something about themselves. Sociable people think, “Socializing is fun,” when they should think, “Socializing is fun for me.” Intellectuals assume, “It is human nature to enjoy learning,” when they should conclude, “I enjoy learning.” Self-reliant psychologists assert, “Autonomy is a sign of human growth,” when they should assert, “Autonomy is important for my growth.” Self-hugging explains why couples tend to have the same quarrels over and over again.
  • Causes of Relationship Problems:
    • Incompatibility of Basic Desires

      Incompatibility of the Sexes

      Reiss Relationship Profile

      Compatible Couples

      Troubled Marriages

      Matched (0)

      Nearly matched (2)

      • Strong Physical Activity
      • Strong Status

      Nearly mismatched (4)

      • Family
      • Idealism
      • Saving
      • Social Contact

      Mismatched (2)

      • Honor
      • Romance

      Husband had a strong basic desire for romance and a  weak basic desire for honor, a combination that motivates cheating

      Wife showed a  weak basic desire for romance and a  strong basic desire for honor, a combination that motivates fidelity

      He wants a  sex life she does not want to  give him; he sees nothing wrong with cheating while she thinks cheating is a character flaw.

      His mistake, he thinks, was getting caught.

  • Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI)
    • EXTROVERSION (E) VERSUS INTROVERSION (I)
    • SENSING (S) VERSUS INTUITING (N)
    • THINKING (T) VERSUS FEELING (F)
    • JUDGING (J) VERSUS PERCEIVING (P)
  • The Sixteen Principles of Motivation
    • Principle I. Basic desires, also called psychological needs, predict behavior in natural environments.

      Principle II. Motivation is the assertion of deeply held values, not the discharge of psychic energy.

      Principle III. We can distinguish between means and ends. Only ends can explain personality and behavior

      Principle IV. Human motivation is multifaceted and cannot be reduced to just two or three kinds. Sixteen basic desires (psychological needs) drive the human psyche

      Principle V. Basic desires have two significant characteristics, called intrinsically valued goal and satiating intensity. The intrinsically valued goal is the aim of a basic desire. The satiating intensity is the desired amount, frequency, or intensity of the intrinsically valued goal.

      Principle VI. Each of the sixteen basic desires can be considered as a continuum of motivation. The points on these continua represent different intensities of motivation. A “sensitivity” or “Aristotelian mean” or “satiating intensity” is the desired point of temporary balance (satiation).

      Principle VII. The sixteen basic desires make us individuals. Everybody embraces the sixteen basic desires, but to different extents. The satiating intensities with which an individual experiences the sixteen basic desires reveal his/her normal personality traits

      Principle VIII. Strong satiating intensities motivate interest in multiple gratification objects.

      Principle IX. Self-report often is a valid method for learning somebody’s basic desires and psychological needs.

      Principle X. People should learn how to make smart choices that gratify basic desires.

      Principle XI. Analyses of childhood feelings and experiences are often of little help in resolving an adolescent’s or adult’s personal problems.

      Principle XII. We have a natural tendency to assume that our values are best, not just for us, but potentially for everyone. Such “self-hugging” motivates (1) personal blind spots; (2) intolerance of people with different values; and (3) a tendency to confuse individuality with abnormality

      Principle XIII. People bond to those with similar values and separate from those with opposite values. (

      Principle XIV. People pay attention to stimuli relevant to their basic desires and tend to ignore stimuli irrelevant to their basic desires

      Principle XV. Positive and negative emotions signal the temporary satiation or frustration of an intrinsically desired goal.

      Principle XVI. The sixteen basic desires potentially motivate vicarious experiences, including preferences for plays, movies, and stories.

  • Compiled By:

Mindmap-Mindset

Mindmap-Mindset

  • Book:Mindset, The New Psychology of Success
    • Author: Carol Dweck
    • ISBN-9780345472328
    • Pages: 449
    • Chapters: 8
    • DateRead: 20130329
  • Fixed Mindset
    • 1.Fixed Mindset leads to a desire to look smart

      2.Fixed Mindset avoid Challenges

      3.Fixed Mindset give up easily

      4.Fixed Mindset see effort as fruitless or worse

      5.Fixed Mindset ignore useful negative feedback

      6.Fixed Mindset feel threatened by the success of others

      7.Fixed Mindset RESULT: plateau early and achieve less than their full potential

      8.Fixed mindset believing that your qualities are carved in stone

      9.Fixed mindset believing your personal traits are fixed

      10.Fixed mindset creates an urgency to prove yourself over and over

      11.Fixed mindset focus on permanent traits

      12.Fixed mindset fear challenges

      13.Fixed mindset devalue effort

      14.Fixed mindset produces non-learners, they already know it [no need to learn]

      15.Fixed mindset only interested when the feedback reflected on their ability

      16.Fixed mindset put people on a pedestal

      17.Fixed mindset make people feel perfect

      18.Fixed mindset worship people

      19.Fixed mindset fixed qualities

      20.Fixed mindset it’s not enough just to succeed.

      21.Fixed mindset it’s not enough just to look smart and talented.

      22.Fixed mindset you have to be pretty much flawless

      23.Fixed mindset you have to be flawless right away

      24.Fixed mindset measure the fixed ability right now and project it into the future

      25.Fixed mindset must succeed perfectly and immediately

      26.Fixed mindset always proving that they are special and superior

      27.Fixed mindset believe that talent is ALL

      28.Fixed mindset the loss of one’s self to failure can be a permanent, haunting trauma.

      29.Fixed mindset my Success Is Your Failure

      30.Fixed mindset try to repair their self-esteem after a failure is by assigning blame or making excuses

      31.Fixed mindset higher levels of depression

      32.Fixed mindset effort is only for people with deficiencies.

      33.Fixed mindset when failure: “I could have been [fill in the blank].”

      34.Fixed mindset proving superiority over and over [on anything]

      35.Fixed mindset easily discouraged

      36.Fixed mindset will quit in a heartbeat

      37.Fixed mindset will skip learning when feeling that there is room for failure

      38.Fixed mindset everything is about outcome

      39.Fixed mindset low effort and always looking for easy task

      40.Fixed mindset prefer effortless success

      41.Fixed mindset always putting their talent in display

      42.Fixed mindset intolerant of mistakes

      43.Fixed mindset less confident person

      44.Fixed mindset early performance tells you all you need to know about their talent and their future.

      45.Fixed mindset imperfections are shameful

      46.Fixed mindset criticism: view as a threat, an insult or an attack

      47.Fixed mindset setbacks: a total failure

      48.Fixed mindset does not cope well with adversities

      49.Fixed mindset does not need a team

      50.Fixed mindset delivers blame and excuses during failure

      51.Fixed mindset full of bitterness

      52.Fixed mindset always thinking of being brilliant

      53.Fixed mindset felt judged and labeled by the rejection

      54.Fixed mindset rejection is like the end of the world

      55.Fixed mindset when rejection happens: REVENGE is the #1 priority

      56.Fixed mindset believe that your qualities are fixed

      57.Fixed mindset believe your partner’s qualities are fixed

      58.Fixed mindset believe that relationship’s qualities are fixed—inherently good or bad, meant-to-be or not

      59.Fixed mindset meant-to-be.

      60.Fixed mindset the ideal is instant, perfect, and perpetual compatibility. Like it was meant to be

      61.Fixed mindset a mind reader-always reading partner/spouse mind and making assumptions

      62.Fixed mindset believe that a couple should share all of each other’s views

      63.Fixed mindset assume entitlement-hey I deserve this…

      64.Fixed mindset assign blame to a failing relationship ie. character flaw

      65.Fixed mindset blame self or partner when relationship go sour

      66.Fixed mindset always defending self

      67.Fixed mindset shy type

      68.Fixed mindset lack social skills

      69.Fixed mindset avoid meeting new friends

      70.Fixed mindset does not like to let their guard down

      71.Fixed mindset cannot let go of fear of failure or rejection

      72.Fixed mindset I have a certain amount of intelligence, and I can’t really do much to change it.”

      73.Fixed mindset “I’d feel like a reject”

      74.Fixed mindset “I’m a total failure”

      75.Fixed mindset “I’m an idiot”

      76.Fixed mindset “I’m a loser”

      77.Fixed mindset “I’d feel worthless and dumb—everyone’s better than me”

      78.Fixed mindset “My life is pitiful.”

      79.Fixed mindset “I have no life.”

      80.Fixed mindset “Somebody upstairs doesn’t like me.”

      81.Fixed mindset “The world is out to get me.”

      82.Fixed mindset “Someone is out to destroy me.”

      83.Fixed mindset “Nobody loves me, everybody hates me.”

      84.Fixed mindset “Life is unfair and all efforts are useless.”

      85.Fixed mindset “Life stinks. I’m stupid. Nothing good ever happens to me.”

      86.Fixed mindset “I’m the most unlucky person on this earth.”

      87.Fixed mindset “Do nothing.”

      88.Fixed mindset “Stay in bed.”

      89.Fixed mindset “Get drunk.”

      90.Fixed mindset “Eat.”

      91.Fixed mindset “Yell at someone if I get a chance to.”

      92.Fixed mindset “Eat chocolate.”

      93.Fixed mindset “Listen to music and pout.”

      94.Fixed mindset “Go into my closet and sit there.”

      95.Fixed mindset “Pick a fight with somebody.”

      96.Fixed mindset “Cry.”

      97.Fixed mindset “Break something.”

      98.Fixed mindset “What is there to do?”

      99.Fixed mindset “If you have to work at something, you must not be good at it.”

      100.Fixed mindset “Things come easily to people who are true geniuses.”

      101.Fixed mindset “People have a certain fixed amount of management ability

      102.Fixed mindset and they cannot do much to change it.”

      103.Fixed mindset I’m unlovable

      104.Fixed mindset “If I had to choose between me being happy and him being miserable, I would definitely want him to be

      105.Fixed mindset miserable.”

      106.Fixed mindset “As a husband/wife, I have a right to—’ and my husband/wife has the duty to—.”

      107.Fixed mindset ‘I’m not going to wash the dishes, no way. That’s a woman’s job.’

      108.Fixed mindset the man/woman I loved was a bad person

      109.Fixed mindset he/she was a bad person and drove him/her away

      110.Fixed mindset “relationship was bad and irreparable”

      111.Fixed mindset my partner is incapable of change

      112.Fixed mindset Nothing can improve our relationship

      113.Fixed mindset “I am a football player, and therefore I’m better than you.”

      114.Fixed mindset “I am a basketball player … pathetic geeks like you are not on my level.”

      115.Fixed mindset You have permanent traits and I’m judging them

  • Growth Mindset
    • 1.Growth mindset believe that anyone can be anything

      2.Growth mindset believe that a person’s true potential is unknown (and unknowable);

      3.Growth mindset based on the belief that your basic qualities are things you can cultivate through your efforts

      4.Growth mindset believe that you can learn anything and new things as they come

      5.Growth mindset believe they are learners

      6.Growth mindset paid close attention to information that could stretch their knowledge. Only for them was learning a priority

      7.Growth mindset see people’s faults and help them to work on them.

      8.Growth mindset challenge people to become a better person.

      9.Growth mindset encourage them to learn new things.

      10.Growth mindset effort is the key to success

      11.Growth mindset success is about being your best self, not about being better than others

      12.Growth mindset learn from failure

      13.Growth mindset will not quit easily

      14.Growth mindset will take the challenge

      15.Growth mindset will comeback another day and fight

      16.Growth mindset not easily discourage

      17.Growth mindset continue their effort even if progress is not visible

      18.Growth mindset eagerness to learn and advance despite repeated failure

      19.Growth mindset passionate of what they do

      20.Growth mindset outcome of effort is not the ultimate goal, the journey is more important

      21.Growth mindset value what they’re doing regardless of the outcome.

      22.Growth mindset hard effort and always looking for a difficult task

      23.Growth mindset humble about their talent

      24.Growth mindset love mistakes, it is vehicle for learning

      25.Growth mindset a confident person, nothing to prove

      26.Growth mindset early performance is not an indicator of great success

      27.Growth mindset imperfections is a source of motivation

      28.Growth mindset criticism: comments are helpful, a positive feedback

      29.Growth mindset setbacks: motivating and stimulating and encouraging

      30.Growth mindset during failure: i will double my effort

      31.Growth mindset loves adversities, it is a room for growth

      32.Growth mindset loves team environment

      33.Growth mindset delivers encouragement to the team when there is failure

      34.Growth mindset full of gratitude

      35.Growth mindset always thinking of growth and passion

      36.Growth mindset rejection does not define the future but a stepping stone for change

      37.Growth mindset accepts rejection wholeheartedly

      38.Growth mindset when rejection happens: accepts the facts and move on [not dwelling too long]

      39.Growth mindset things can be developed

      40.Growth mindset all—you, your partner, and the relationship—are capable of growth and change

      41.Growth mindset confront a bad situation and look for resolution

      42.Growth mindset so forgiving and give partner a room to grow/change

      43.Growth mindset being patient while in a bad/difficult relationsh

      44.Growth mindset “I’d start thinking about studying harder”

      45.Growth mindset “I’d look at what was wrong on my exam, resolve to do better”

      46.Growth mindset “People can always substantially change their basic skills for managing other people.”

      47.Growth mindset You are a developing person and I am interested in your development

      48.Growth mindset “I did not win the tournament and will try a different strategy next time”

      49.Growth mindset ”I’m diagnosed with a life ending illness, I will spend the rest of my remaining days the best I can”

      50.Growth mindset ”I will cry but I will find ways to change things”

      51.Growth mindset ”I will not succumb to self destructive actions when I fail”

      52.Growth mindset ”I will force myself to get up every morning and start a motivating day even if I do not feel doing it”

      53.Growth mindset ”I will not use eating/overeating as a way of escape of my situation”

      54.Growth mindset ”I will not go to my closet and sit there all day and ponder about my failures”

      55.Growth mindset ”I will look for another job instead of finding blame why I was let go”

      56.Growth mindset ”I will not break things to show that I am really upset”

      57.Growth mindset ”I will refuse to pick a fight with anybody”

      58.Growth mindset ”I will not be paralyzed by my misfortune, I will do something positive to regain my status”

      59.Growth mindset ”My depression is holding me back in life, but I will find ways to help myself”

      60.Growth mindset ”My partner’s love is gone, I will give him/her time to ponder about the relationship”

      61.Growth mindset ”I will not give up in a relationship easily”

      62.Growth mindset ”I received a traffic violation, I will make sure I learned my mistakes and not repeat it”

      63.Growth mindset ”My friend did not treat me well, I will understand and find reasons why and I will not judge him/her”

      64.Growth mindset ”I will not label someone if I am mistreated”

      65.Growth mindset ”I will not use mind-reading in a relationship, I will ask about his/her actions”

      66.Growth mindset ”I will confront any challenges that comes to life and not run away from it”

      67.Growth mindset ”I will always focus on my development everyday to make myself better in life”

      68.Growth mindset ”I don’t have a skill to write but I will try writing anyway”

      69.Growth mindset ”I can’t run long distance but I will start training no matter what”

      70.Growth mindset ”Co workers and friends are a resource for learning and not competition”

      71.Growth mindset ”I will stretch my thinking and patience if I am in a bad situation”

      72.Growth mindset ”I am not a very smart person but I will study harder and read more”

      73.Growth mindset ”I will double up my effort”

      74.Growth mindset ”I will show my failures to others so that they too can learn”

      75.Growth mindset ”I will encourage my partner to become a better person”

      76.Growth mindset ”I will take remedial courses to keep up”

      77.Growth mindset ”I will do it even if it is impossible”

      78.Growth mindset ”I will keep going in my endeavor even if I can see the finish line”

      79.Growth mindset ”I will force myself to read books even if I don’t like to read”

      80.Growth mindset ”I will listen to others when they me things or lessons”

      81.Growth mindset ”I will not aim for perfection but I will aim to closer-perfection”

      82.Growth mindset ”I will do something that I could not do before”

      83.Growth mindset ”I have OCD but I will find ways why this gift is given to me”

      84.Growth mindset ”I am diagnosed bipolar but I will find ways to harness the power of this disorder”

      85.Growth mindset ”I am special/different but I will find ways to cultivate my gifts”

      86.Growth mindset ”My illness will not put me or my mind in a box, I will find ways to make it serve me or others”

      87.Growth mindset ”I am unhappy but I will try to overcome my unhappiness in whatever way possible”

      88.Growth mindset ”I will take some big risk”

      89.Growth mindset ”I am not afraid of failure”

      90.Growth mindset ”My boss told me that I am not good enough, I will find ways to show him/her that he/she is wrong”

      91.Growth mindset ”I don’t know the direction of my life, I will ask people, or read or research and study my skills and strengths”

      92.Growth mindset ”I will not live to convince or prove to people that I am good or the best, I am satisfied with what I have”

      93.Growth mindset ”I will not compete with others”

      94.Growth mindset ”I will not compare my life with others”

      95.Growth mindset ”I will not criticize others, I will give rooms to their imperfections”

      96.Growth mindset ”I will not complain on any difficult situation, I will accept any misfortune and hardship and then find ways to get out from it”

      97.Growth mindset ”I will think of life as a journey”

      98.Growth mindset ”I am not the best, but I will find ways to be the best in some ways”

      99.Growth mindset ”I will pick a thing that I love to do and stay at it no matter what”

      100.Growth mindset ”I will continue in my pursuit on something even if I’m surrounded by naysayers”

      101.Growth mindset ”The door is closed for me, I will looks for another open door”

      102.Growth mindset ”Someone took my water well, I will dig another water well somewhere”

  • Compiled By:
    • Rigel Arcayan
    • blindcaveman.wordpress.com

MindMap-BookSummary-Mastery

MindMap-BookSummary-Mastery

  • About The Book
    • Title: Mastery: The Keys to Success and Long-Term Fulfillment
    • Author: George Leonard
    • Released: 01 February, 1992
    • ISBN: 0452267560
  • 5 keys to long-term success and fulfillment, as:
    • 1. Instruction
    • 2. Practice
    • 3. Surrender
    • 4. Intentionality
    • 5. The Edge – Push the envelope.
  • Mastery is:
    • 1. The process where what was difficult becomes both easier and more pleasurable;

      2. Long-term dedication to the journey – not the bottom line;

      3. Gaining mental discipline to travel further on your journey;

      4. Being goal-less;

      5. Realizing that the pleasure of practice is intensified;

      6. Creating deep roots;

      7. Knowing that you will never reach a final destination;

      8. Being diligent with the process of mastery;

      9. Your commitment to hone your skills;

      10. After you have reached the top of the mountain, climb another one;

      11. Being willing to practice, even when you seem to be getting nowhere;

      12. Making this a life process;

      13. Being patient, while you apply long-term efforts;

      14. Appreciating and even enjoying the plateau, as much as you do the progress;

      15. Practicing for the sake of practice;

      16. Winning graciously, and lose with equal grace;

      17. Placing practice, discipline, conditioning and character development before winning;

      18. Being courageous;

      19. Being fully in the present moment;

      20. Realizing that the ultimate goal is not the medal, or the ribbon, but the path to mastery its self;

      21. Being willing to look foolish;

      22. Maintaining flexibility in your strategy, and in your actions;

      23. A journey.

  • Dealing with Change and Homeostasis
    • 1. Be aware of the way homeostasis works.
    • 2. Be willing to negotiate with your resistance to change.
    • 3. Develop a support system.
    • 4. Follow a regular practice.
    • 5. Dedicate yourself to a lifelong practice.
  • Getting Energy for Mastery
    • 1. Maintain Physical Fitness
    • 2. Acknowledge the negative and accentuate the positive.
    • 3. Try telling the truth.
    • 4. Honor but don’t indulge your own dark side.
    • 5. Set your priorities.
    • 6. Make commitments. Take action.
    • 7. Get on the path of mastery and stay on it.
  • Pitfalls Along the path of Mastery:
    • 1. Conflicting way of life
    • 2. Obsessive goal orientation
    • 3. Poor instruction
    • 4. Lack of competitiveness
    • 5. Over competitiveness
    • 6. Laziness
    • 7. Injuries
    • 8. Drugs
    • 9. Prizes and Medals
    • 10. Vanity
    • 11. Dead seriousness
    • 12. Inconsistency
    • 13. Perfectionism
  • Compiled By:
    • blindcaveman.wordpress.com
    • Rigel Arcayan

Mindmap-Book Summary-LivingAndLovingLovingAfterBetrayal

Mindmap-Book Summary-LivingAndLovingLovingAfterBetrayal

  • About Living and Loving After Betrayal
    • Date Read: September 20, 2015
    • Author: Steven Stosney
    • ISBN: 978-1-60882-753-4
    • 250 pages
    • MyRating: 5 Stars
  • Part I: The Start of Healing and Empowerment
  • Chapter 1-Footprints on the Heart and Soul
    • VALUE-BEHAVIOR EXERCISE
      • On a blank sheet of paper draw a vertical line separating it into twocolumns. In the first column list your values starting with “I am” (forexample “I am compassionate to loved ones”). Then in the secondcolumn list examples of how you will reinforce those values startingwith “I will” (for example “I will try to understand my loved ones’perspectives and try to find something in their motivations to sympathizewith especially when I disagree with them or I want them tochange their behavior”). List any number of values in the column onthe left (“I am fair ” “I am responsible ” “I am appreciative of lovedones ” and so on) and follow each with a corresponding action inthe column on the right

        Keep a Value-Behavior Log for the next two weeks listing howmany times you carry out the value-laden actions you described inyour second column. Each day write the heading “Today I actedon my deeper values by:” and then list the behaviors underneath.

      How It Hits You

      Intimate betrayal upends your life in one of two ways: by sudden revelationor by gradual realization

      With deceit embezzlement and infidelity you discover that yourpartner has lied manipulated stolen or cheated. You may haveguessed that something was amiss but no amount of suspicion couldmitigate the shock and hurt when struck by your partner’s confession;an eyewitness account; uncovered e-mails texts or phone messages;or other incontrovertible evidence. You became aware in an instantthat your life would never be the same

      partner’s badbehavior

      • chronically resentful
      • angry
      • critical
      • stonewalling
      • self-obsessed
      • strike forcefully

      The Floor of Security Crumbles 23

      • Whether it crashes upon you in revelation or seeps into consciousnessvia delayed realization intimate betrayal snatches the floor ofpersonal security from under you. 23

        initial aftermath of revelation and realization as a kind of free fall with no bottom in sight. Shock and disbelief are punctuated by wavesof cruel self-doubt: 23

        Was I attractive enough?

        Was I smart enough?

        Was I successful enough?

        Was I interesting enough?

        Was I present enough?

        Was I attentive enough?

        Was I caring enough?

        Was I patient enough?

        Was I sacrificing enough?

      5 Cycle that typically emerges in the aftermath of intimate betrayal

      • 1. You think of the betrayal and get angry

        2. The anger increases your energy confidence and sense of power.

        3. Then the amphetamine crash happens.

        4. The loss of energy and power create a void that is soon filled by self-doubt depressed mood or mere numbness.

        5. You think about the betrayal again and get angry again only tocrash once again into low energy self-doubt depressed mood orblank numbness.

      It won’t take many repetitions of this cycle beforeyour brain starts to think about the betrayal just so the anger willtemporarily empower you against the terrible feelings that come afterthe amphetamine crash. It’s not that you like thinking about it; it’sjust that thinking about it feels better than pain depression andnumbness—at least as long as the adrenaline and analgesic effects ofthe anger last which for most people isn’t very long.

      Few among us can tolerate a long roller-coaster ride of intenseanger depression intense anger depression and so on. We tend tocut off the peaks and valleys by staying a little resentful all the time.Low-grade resentment keeps us from getting very angry and verydepressed. It’s understandable and natural to use resentment to avoidthe anger-depression roller coaster that follows intimate betrayal. 2

      The Most Unfair Thing about Intimate Betrayal -29

      • Perceived loss of value 165

        Perceived loss of value is what causes your pain—you feel less lovable. 165

        Anger evolved to provide a sense of power in the face of threat. It’sthe only emotion that mobilizes the entire central nervous system every organ every muscle group and most of the metabolic system togenerate the power required of the fight-or-flight response. Morethan any other internal experience anger increases feelings of power.If loss of power were the problem in intimate betrayal anger would bethe answer. But the great pain of intimate betrayal has little to dowith loss of power 165

      To recover 165

      • To recover you must do what will make you feel more valuableand lovable not temporarily more powerful. Yet defensive reactions tointimate betrayal—although perfectly natural and entirely justifiable—force you into reactive narrow and rigid perspectives thatinhibit growth and further erode self-value. Allowed to run on automaticpilot they will turn you into someone you’re not. 165

      Why It’s So Hard to Be Yourself

      • Emotional Reactivity

        An automatic usually unconscious gut-level response to negativelyperceived events situations or people emotional reactivitymakes it very hard to be yourself after intimate betrayal

        scenes in a movie sporting events e-mails unexpectedphone calls—can trigger memories or impressions of the betrayal andunleash intense emotions in reaction

        The triggers can also generalizeto nearly everyone with whom you interact

        high emotional reactivity is not a problem ofindividual psychology 56

        nothing wrong with you if you find yourself overreacting tolife’s minor irritations as well as its major challenges 56

        High emotionalreactivity—whether held in or acted out—results from a normal brainfunction known as pattern matching. 56

      Approach to emotional healing

      • assured feelings and reactions were normal and quite common

        no need to explore feelings that were a natural result of a sense ofself scraped raw by intimate betrayal

        high emotional reactivity was part of a larger defense system constructed to protect an understandably wounded heart from future harm

        therapeutic strategy – to build up her sense of personal value and empowerment and thereby render the heightened defensive system unnecessary 369

      a habit 3

      • Anymental activity repeated often will form a relatively inflexible sequenceof neural firing in the brain—that is a habit. 3

        Once habits are formed only new habits can replace them. Conditioning new mental emotional and behavioral habits is the foundation of my approach tohealing and growth 3

      pattern matching

      • High emotional reactivity—whether held in or acted out—results from a normal brainfunction known as pattern matching

        We hardly ever interact directly with our environment

        The brainmelds thoughts memories emotions and behavioral impulses intothousands of neural “snapshots” and then selects one to “match” thecurrent perception of the environment.

        This is normally an efficientway for it to function because it conserves metabolically expensiveconscious attention. That is we exert the extra energy to pay attentiononly when something departs from our preconditioned “snapshots.”

        You can walk into a room 100 times and not notice a lamp until oneday it has been moved and the pattern in your head no longer matchesthe appearance of the room.

        Under normal conditions the brain’s pattern matching is prettyaccurate and we behave more or less “appropriately” most of the time

        intimate betrayal presents a special problem for pattern matching.The stronger the emotional component of the brain’s neural snapshots the less precise its matching process 335

        That’s especially true ofthe threat-related emotions—anger fear and disgust—which get priorityprocessing in the brain. Seeing a cup of cream on the table cancause nausea in someone who has suffered food poisoning from badmeat or vegetables as heightened sensitivity makes the cream though unrelated to the rancid food that caused the poisoning seem like a threat. 335

        A shadow on the wall can send a rape or mugging victim intofits of discomfort or terror even though shadows routinely move onwalls. 23 -139

        A car backfiring which sounds nothing like combat can neverthelesstrigger reality-shattering flashbacks in war veterans 23 -139

        If a past lover once cheated on you a glow in the cheek of your present onecan arouse anger jealousy and anxiety. In short after intimatebetrayal your brain temporarily perceives the world to be more threateningthan it really is. This change in perception is due to a normalbrain function not your personal psychology. 23 -139

        “better safe than sorry” system 23

        Another way to understand high emotional reactivity is to appreciatethat your brain evolved as a “better safe than sorry” system 23

        Wedid not descend from early humans who underestimated threat whothought they didn’t have to be extra careful after a brush with a sabertoothedtiger. We’re descendant from the ones who overestimatedthreat and occasionally mistook shadows on the rocks—and sometimesfellow cave dwellers—for menacing beasts. 23

      Overcoming Emotional Reactivity 23 23

      • the best way to overcomeemotional reactivity is to make a determination to act on your valuesmore than your feelings 23 384

        Your values are those beliefs and personalqualities that are most important to you 23 384

        you mightvalue being a supportive nurturing mother or an honest and loyalfriend 23 384

        After intimate betrayal feelings tend to be confusing contradictory and of course highly reactive 23 384

        Intimate betrayal are less about the person you truly are and more about defensive reactions to your environment. 23 384

        Remember your environment seems moredangerous in the aftermath of intimate betrayal because the brain’sFootprints on the Heart and Soul15pattern matching has become temporarily less accurate in its “bettersafe than sorry” mode.) 23 627

        Acting on feelings will make you behaveuncharacteristically if not in ways that seem alien to you 23 627

        your values represent who you truly are and what is most important toyou regardless of what occurs in your environment 23 627

        Acting on your values will change your feelings—if not immediately in fairly short order—as you begin to feel more authentic withless guilt shame anxiety anger and resentment. -187

        the converseis not true. If you act on your feelings you run the risk of gettinglost in the vicissitudes of temporary emotional states that will makeyou violate your deeper values and cause more guilt shame anxiety anger and resentment. -187

        For example your betrayer almost certainlyacted on her feelings in violation of her deeper values. The choice toact on feelings over values caused the betrayal -187

        Feelings

        • feelings are more about what you’re experiencing than who you are 250

          feelings are more reactive to the environment 250

          feelings are greatly influenced by physiological states (fatigue hunger thirst body temperature or illness) 250

          feelings are highly habituated—automatically stimulated by meresimilarities with past experience 250

          feelings are transitory—coming and going within minutes providedyou don’t amplify magnify and prolong them by trying to“validate” or “justify” them 250

        Values 394

        • values are more about you than what you’re experiencing 394
        • values are far less reactive to the environment 394
        • values are far less influenced by physiological states 58
        • values are consistent over time 58

      After suffering intimate betrayal it can be difficult to think interms of deeper values simply because the betrayal has made you consistentlyunderestimate your personal value strengths and resilience 17

      The key to recovery was to begin thinking and acting in accordance with the person you truly is beneath the pain and emotional reactivity you experienced. 162

      A Crucial Note for All Exercises

      • The exercises in this book will not ask you to make mere “affirmations.”Healing and growth require behavioral commitments to anew way of seeing yourself and the world. They do not arise miraculouslyfrom simple statements or temporary changes in feelings. Thereis a hierarchy of neurological change. Thinking repeatedly aboutsomething forges neural connections. Repeatedly imagining somethingin detail forges stronger connections. Thinking imagining andpracticing behavior produces the most lasting change. You can startout just thinking in ways that promote healing and growth but whatyou write in these exercises must be enacted in specific behaviors atsome point to accomplish full healing and growth
  • Chapter 2-How to Use the Natural Motivation of Pain to Heal
    • Pain is a gift 142
      • Pain is a gift. A pain-free life were it possible would be numb andshort. 142

        The gift of pain lies in its biological function as a dual alarm andmotivational system. It dominates attention for one purpose: to motivatebehavior that will heal repair and improve 336

        The alarm function of pain is clear—it hurts so much that it isdifficult to think about anything else. 336

        Its motivational role thoughless obvious is just as compelling. 336

        The throbbing in your foot gets youto move the refrigerator off it. 336

        An ache in your back gets you to standup straight and lessen the pressure on your spine 336

        Intestinal painmakes you rock in your chair or get up and move around to dislodgegas bubbles trapped somewhere in your digestive tract 336

        There is onlyone place in the body that lacks the nerve endings that originate pain;that is the brain the one place where corrective behavior is impossible. 336

        Injuries to the brain are so often fatal that the need for pain tomotivate corrective behavior is nil. 336

      opposite of pain 29

      • The opposite of pain is not pleasure or joy 29

        The opposite of pain is numbness 29

        For example supposeyou could not remove the refrigerator from your foot and had towait for help to come. The pain would spike—get worse and worse—up to a point. And then your foot would go numb. Once your brainfigures out that no behavior will help it stops processing the signalsof pain from the affected area. 29

        “Where there’s pain there’s life ” is a saying attributed to the Inuittribes of Alaska. It literally means that limbs numbed by cold hurtlike hell as they return to normal body temperature. If they do nothurt they are frostbitten—dead—and will need to be removed 29

      Memories of pain 29

      • Memories of pain like the actual experience of it are utterly necessaryfor survival and well-being. Recalling that you once burnedyour finger on a stove makes you more careful when you feel the heat.Remembering that you stepped on a nail last week makes you lookbefore you leap today. Recalling intimate betrayal makes you morecautious about love in the future 29

        Memories of pain are not about the past; they evolved to keepus safe in the present and future. They point to solutions now not inthe past. 29 250

      Emotional Pain 29 250

      • Emotional pain serves the same positive function as its physical counterpart. 29 4

        Feeling disregarded guilty devalued or unlovable promptsyou to raise self-regard compensate for any bad behavior increaseyour competence and be more loving. 29 4

        If you do those things ormerely think about doing them the pain subsides. If you don’t it getsworse and worse until it goes numb. 29 4

        To relieve thepain of feeling unlovable try to be more loving toward your childrenor parents or friends or anyone whom you can love with minimal risk –

      motivational advantage of emotional pain 2

      • motivational advantage of emotionalpain you cannot view painful memories as punishments inflicted byothers or as self-punishments for past mistakes. They are not punishmentsto be avoided; they are motivations to heal improve repair and grow. 2

      The Motivational Message of Emotional Pain

      • Emotional pain takes many forms. Most involve some measure of guilt anxiety sorrow or shame all of which are abundant after intimatebetrayal. Each carries a distinct motivational message ofhealing.

        Guilt

        • Guilt comes from a perception that you have violated your values

          Although memories of guilt seem to be about the past their motivationalfunction is to get you to act according to your values now andthat is the only thing that will relieve the pain.

        Anxiety 190

        • Anxiety is dread that something bad will happen; themotivation is to learn more about what might actually happen anddevelop plans to prevent it or to cope with it should it occur 384

          Nothingelse will relieve it although many behaviors—most of them undesirableif not self-destructive—will temporarily avoid it. 384

        Sorrow 384

        • Sorrow is about loss of something or someone youvalue; the message is to invest value in someone else. (This investmentis apparent at funerals where people typically allay their grief by connectingwith fellow grievers.) 384

          Unless you’ve been physically traumatized grief makes you want to hug someone who seems dear to you atthe moment. 384

        Shame 384

        • Shame is about failure and inadequacy; the motivation is to reevaluate reconceptualize and redouble your efforts to pursuesuccess in love relationships or work or in whatever area you haveperceived failure -332

          The experience of shame in and of itself never meansthat you’re a failure; it tells you to stop doing or thinking what youhad been thinking or doing and try something different that is consistentwith your deeper values. -332

          If we follow the motivation ofshame—instead of short-circuiting it with resentment anger alcohol workaholism or whatever—it will lead to healing improvement and ultimately a solid sense of core value. -332

      How Pain Becomes Suffering

      • The motivational element of painful emotions has self-healingand self-correcting components. When we take advantage of them we flourish. When we don’t we suffer. (You’ve probably heard thesaying “Pain is inevitable; suffering is an option.”)

        If we do not act on its motivation to heal repair and improve thealarm of pain intensifies and generalizes. Just as the untreated toothachebecomes facial pain and the neglected foot injury seems to throbalong the whole side of the body unheeded guilt shame and anxietybecome a generalized kind of “self-ache ” which stimulates elaboratedefenses that usually include high emotional reactivity chronicresentment and frequent anger.

        generalized pain becomes suffering which resultsfrom repeated failure to act on the natural motivation of pain to dosomething that will heal repair or improve 250

        Anything that numbs oravoids pain undermines its function to motivate corrective behavior and thereby causes suffering. 250

        Blame resentment (expecting someoneelse to relieve the pain) anger addictions and compulsive behaviorall render us powerless to heal improve or repair. All causesuffering. 250

      Self-compassion vs. self-criticism and self-pity

      • Self-compassion isa sympathetic response to your hurt distress or vulnerability with a motivation to heal repair and improve 590

        It brings a sense of empowerment—a feeling that you can do something to make your life better even if you are not sure what that might be at the moment. It tends tokeep you focused on solutions in the present and future 590

      Self-criticism

      • Self-criticism is blaming yourself for your hurt distress or vulnerability usually with a measure of punishment or contempt

        It’sbased on the mistaken idea that if you punish yourself enough youwon’t make similar mistakes in the future when just the opposite istrue—self-punishment leads to more mistakes.

        Who is more likelyto make more mistakes the valued self or the devalued self

      Self-pity

      • Self-pityis focus on your pain or damage with no motivation to heal repair orimprove.

        It has an element of contempt for your perceived incompetenceor inadequacy because it assumes that you can’t do anything tomake your life better. Needless to say self-criticism and self-pity turnpain into suffering.

      Replace “Why” with “How”

      • To take advantage of the self-healing and self-correcting featuresof pain avoid dwelling on its possible causes 335

        (Mental focus on anything amplifies and magnifies the objectof the focus. 335

        Amplifying pain puts too much attention on its alarmcomponent and too little on its motivational element 335

        It’s like reactingto the piercing noise of the smoke alarm rather than putting out thefire. 335

        The causes of injury-related pain are notwhat sustain it. For instance a piece of broken glass may have slicedyour skin open but the severed and inflamed nerve endings in theflesh sustain the pain. Preoccupation with why you cut yourself willnot help to heal the wound. 335

        Similarly your partner lying to you cheating on you or abusing you caused your pain. Preoccupation withwhy he did it runs the risk of making you live inside his head at thecost of your own healing and growth. 33

        The pain is telling you to restoreself-value now through your own positive actions and that is the onlything that will eliminate it. 33 –

        Not only does focus on the betrayer’s motivations distract fromhealing but speculation about a partner’s motives is utterly fruitless.We can never know why someone betrays an intimate bond 33

        Rather than speculating about what might have caused your partnerto inflict this pain it is far more to your benefit to concentrateyour attention on the internal message of the pain which is to heal repair and improve. 33

      EXERCISE: Find the Healing Messagein Your Pain 34 1

      • In one sentence on a piece of paper describe some aspect of thepain caused by your partner’s betrayal 34 1

        Example: “My ex told lies about me to our mutual friends; I feel wronged angry and on adeeper level unlovable. 34

      EXERCISE: Find the Meaning of Your Pain 34

      • In one sentence on a piece of paper explain why you are hurt 34
      • Example: “My spouse cheated on me.”) 34
      • What does my pain mean about me? 34

      The above exercise highlights the fact that suffering results fromthe meaning we give to our pain 35

      We cannot control what other peopledo but we have absolute control over what their behavior means tous. 35

      Effort to Improve 35 346

      • Negative emotions hurt until we start on the path of healing andimproving. 35 3

        if you feel a sense of loss that feeling willtend to worsen until you begin to think of what you can do to deepenconnections with other people in your life. 35 3

        If you feel empty as manyof my betrayed clients report you don’t have to “fill yourself up” tofeel better; you just have to try to make your other relationships a littlebetter. 35 3

        The initial motivation of the sense of loss is to get you movingtoward something that will reduce the stimulus of the discomfort—inother words make things a little better 35 3

        Once you start thinking ofwhat would make things better the bad feeling begins to subside freeing up more mental resources in the prefrontal cortex—the problem-solving part of the brain that gets less blood during emotionalarousal. 35 3

        Research shows that what we tend to regret the most isnot failure but making insufficient effort 36 -225

  • Chapter 3-How to Develop a Healing Identity
    • Two points about healing 139
      • 1. human beings have anextraordinary capacity for healing emotional wounds 139
      • 2. The most important element in overcoming emotionalpain is developing a healing identity 139
    • With a healing identity 381
      • you will identify with your strengths resilience and desire to improve your life. 381

        Your decision to develop ahealing identity will free you from the debilitating thoughts of damage unfairness and blame that inevitably occur after intimatebetrayal. 381

        You will continue to have such thoughts for a time andoccasionally feel overwhelmed by them 381

    • Why Identity Is Important -23
      • composed of perceived or desired personal qualities (such as intelligence stupidity compassion resilience strength weakness or rebelliousness –

        composed of characteristic behaviors (such as helping teaching listening encouraging or criticizing) –

        composed of social roles (such as parent writer good friend moralperson winner doormat or victim) –

        Identity exerts far-reaching influence on our thoughts feelings and behavior due to its function as an organizer of experience and afilter of information the brain selects to process 335

        Left on automaticpilot our brains look for information conforming to identity andoverlook disconfirming evidence. 335

        The psychological advantage isthis: if consistent and (more or less) accurate identity reduces selfdoubtand indecisiveness by presenting a clear repertoire of thoughtsand behavior 335

    • You Don’t Deserve to Suffer fromVictim Identity -42
      • Absent the conscious choice to develop a healing identity intimatebetrayal can easily lead to victim identity—identification withhurt and bad treatment. Damage injury defects and weaknessbecome integral aspects of the identity that is likely to emerge afterintimate betrayal. -42

        Victim identity has dire implications for recovery (beyond the factthat it’s difficult to marshal mental resources for healing when focusedon perceived damage and weakness). It can give this completely falseimpression: If you didn’t have your pain or bear the scars of mistreatment you wouldn’t know who you are. -42

    • EXERCISE: Create a Healing Identity 7
      • Stay True to Yourself 3
        • Intimate betrayal carries a natural impulse to retaliate. Some part ofyou wants to hurt your betrayer at least as much as you’ve been hurt

          “the greatestrevenge is living well.” 384

          • There is only one kind of retaliation that assures escape from thepitfalls of victim identity. As expressed in the old saying “the greatestrevenge is living well.” After intimate betrayal “living well” meanshealing growing and creating a value-filled life. 384
      • You’re Different from Your Betrayer -187
        • During your recovery it’s vital to keep in mind how different youare from your betrayer and how you would have behaved differently inhis shoes. Keeping a behavioral log each day for the next few weekswill etch the differences in your mind. Feel the power in the differencesas you write. -187
      • Step One: Inventory 7
        • On a piece of paper list your strengths (for example: intelligence curiosity resourcefulness creativity adaptability courage sense of humor persistence curiosity open-mindedness integrity bravery vitality humility
      • Step Two: Commitment
        • Explain how you will employ your strengths and use yourdeeper values for healing. (Example: I will investigate opportunitiesfor growth in work and social life make it a point tosee the perspectives of my friends and loved ones alongsidemy own focus on those aspects of life that broaden my perspective and allow myself to appreciate beauty in natureand in creative endeavors. 35
      • Step Three: Declaration -165
        • Write the following declaration and sign it: I hereby resolveto focus my attention and behavior on what will help meheal grow improve and create value in my life. -165
      • Step Four: Opportunities for Growth -165
        • Make a list of the opportunities for growth that are presentedby the pain you have suffered. (Example: I will have a deeperknowledge of myself and others. I will have a deeper appreciationof those who struggle to grow from the ruins of life’ssetbacks and misfortunes. I will resurrect my abandoneddreams by taking courses looking up old friends starting asmall business and doing volunteer work in my community.) -165
      • Step Five: Spiritual Testament 174
        • Write the following declaration and sign it: “I will transcendall that I have suffered and come out of this recovery perioda better person focused on a permanent sense of meaningand purpose according to the spiritual beliefs that resonatein my soul.” 174
    • BEHAVIORAL LOG
      • Healing vs. Retaliation 272
        • The impulse to retaliate—and thereby act like your betrayer—will do no harm if it is regulated and channeled into more beneficialbehavior. Below is an exercise you can do to help gauge progress inmaintaining your healing identity. Don’t worry if you don’t manage toregulate all your impulses at the time they occur; it’s unlikely thatyou’ll be able to do so at this early stage of recovery. Just fill in whatyou intend to do in the future. 272

        On a piece of paper or a calendar write the headings “What mypartner did:” and “What I do:” for each day for the next two tofour weeks. On each of those days you will record the differencesyou observe between the behavior of your betrayer and your ownbehavior. (The point of the repetition is to help you internalize thedifferences between you and your partner while at the same time fortifying your deeper values.) Draw from any of the following examplesthat apply to your relationship.

    • REGULATING THE IMPULSE TO RETALIATE 272
      • Healing Identity vs. Blame -289

        A Healing Identity Is Responsible and Powerful 201

        Create a weekly log to track your impulses and how you regulatethem. Each week record whether and how often you felt the impulseto criticize act superior devalue or demean or inflict emotional 659

    • HEALING IDENTITY EXERCISE 19
  • Chapter 4-How to Use Restorative Images to Heal Painful Memories
    • Neuroscience has revealed something all too familiar to those whohave lived through intimate betrayal: emotional pain is just as real tothe brain as physical pain

      emotional healing is just as real to the brain as physicalhealing.

      Physiological healing is the revitalization of diseased or injuredtissue organs or biological systems. Simply put the body’s cellsregenerate or repair to reduce the size of the distressed or damagedarea and restore the body to normal functioning

      Emotional healing is more complicated and less mechanistic butotherwise follows a similar path to restoration. It can be accomplishedwith as much efficiency and effectiveness as the wondrous healing ofour bodies.

      Emotional healing happens when the brain replaces painfulmemories (images) of injury or damage with restorative images whichmotivate behavior that promotes safety growth and well-being thereby restoring the normal function of the mind. The process occursnaturally for most people although it takes a long while. -332

      Restorative Images 7

      • The most powerful restorative images are thosethat reinforce our deepest values 7

        basic humanity (innate capacity for interest in the wellbeingof others)

        love 190

        spiritual connection 190

        appreciation of natural and creative beauty 190

        community connection (identifying with or feeling connectedto a group of people) 190

        compassionate behavior (crucial to the maintenance ofsocial bonds) 190

        A restorative image is any emotionally laden bit of your imaginationthat eases pain by shifting mental focus from loss to growth 7

        Themost potent images are usually drawn from experience—somethingyou’ve seen heard smelled touched or dreamed. The images can bebeautiful meaningful exciting stunning soothing or peaceful 7

        They can also be purely made-up—one of mine is moving rapidlythrough an expanding portion of deep space ablaze with the light ofbillions of stars. 7

        Restorative images remind us that our sense of whowe are rises from what we have gained in life rather than what we’velost or suffered and is continually strengthened by our ability toimprove and grow. 7

      Emotional healing 432

      • Emotional healing is largely a process of calling up images thatreinforce these deep values and reconditioning your brain to associatethem with painful memories 432

      Recondition Your Brain -139

      Brain conditioning -139

      • Brain conditioning is a process of repeating tasks or mental associationsuntil new habits in sequences of neural firing are formed

        When it comes to emotions we are almost entirely creatures of habit.By the time we’re adults the vast majority of our emotions are conditionedby past experiences.

        In other words when a certain kind ofthing happens we have a certain habituated emotional response. Thebrain develops so many conditioned responses because they are metabolicallycheap; they consume little energy compared to consciousintentions.

        (The difference in mental exertion between a habituatedresponse and a consciously decided action is hundreds of millions ofmultifiring neurons.) We’re reconditioning our brains all the time usually in adaptation to our environments. Now is the time to take upthe process consciously in the service of healing and growth

        Because habituated responses get repeated thousands of timesover the years there is only one way the brain can form new habits and that is through repetition of new associations 153

        wemust practice associating restorative images with memories of pain.But don’t worry; it won’t take nearly as many repetitions to undo thehabit as it took to form it in the first place. Restorative images have apotent reinforcement because they make you feel better. In general ittakes less iteration for a more pleasant habit to replace a painful one. 153

      Practice Practice Practice 395

      • To get the most out of the exercise that follows make a list of yourmore prominent painful memories 395

        Practice associating at least one ofyour restorative images with each item every day until the new associationsbecome automatic. Habit formation should occur within sixweeks of practice. Then each time a painful image occurs in implicitor unconscious memory its restorative counterpart will occur almostsimultaneously. 395

        Painful memories will indirectly stimulate the restorativeimages and motivate behavior that promotes healing and growth 395

      RESTORATIVE IMAGE EXERCISE

      • Describe your emotional hurt
      • Choose an image of basic humanity that is meaningfulto you
      • Associate the image with your painful memory
      • Choose an image of love that is meaningful to you
      • Associate the image with your painful memory
      • Choose an image of spirituality that is meaningful toyou 35
      • Associate the image with your painful memory 64
      • Choose an image of natural or creative beauty thatis meaningful to you 64
      • Associate the image with your painful memory
      • Choose an image of community connection that ismeaningful to you
      • Associate the image with your painful memory
      • Choose an image of a small compassionate act that ismeaningful to you 272
      • Associate the image with your painful memory 272
  • Chapter 5-The Key to Healing and Growth: Your Core Value
    • Core value grows out of the uniquely human drive to create value—tomake people things and ideas important enough to appreciate nurture and protect 23

      Consistently acting on the drive to create value providesa sense of meaning and purpose in life. 23

      a highly developed core value won’t make youforget your betrayal it will definitely make all that you have sufferedless important in your life as a whole 23

      The past can no longer controlus once it is overshadowed by the deeply human drive to create valueand give our lives meaning. 23

      The Drive to Create Value 431

      • Although we have an innate drive to create value we have to makechoices of who and what to value 52

        A sunset has value if and only if you give it value—you invest energy and effort to fully perceive it thus allowing you to appreciate it. While it does nothing for the sunsetif you value it valuing it does wonders for you. The moment ofvalue creation makes you feel more vital engaged interested appreciative—in short more alive. Life means more to you at the instantyou create value just as it means less to you when you are not creatingvalue. -285

        Most positive emotion passion meaning purpose and convictioncome from creating value and most emptiness aggression anddepression result from failure to create value

        Who is more likely to maintain healthy weight: the personwho values health or the one who devalues her body?

        Who is morelikely to succeed with fewer mistakes the coach who values the skillsand cohesiveness of the team or the one who devalues his players?

        Who will do better at work and feel more satisfied with it theemployee who values her contribution and her coworkers or the onewho devalues his job peers or managers?

        Who is more likely to thrive after intimate betrayal thebetrayed partner who values her well-being her other relationships her strengths and her resilience or the one who devalues his life andmost of the people in it?

      problem with core value

      • Creating value consumes enormous amounts of energy.
      • It takes a lot more effortto appreciate a sunset or a child’s smile than to ignore them

      components of value creation

      • interest
      • attention

      Depression

      • If we withhold too much too often we’ll end up running mostly on automaticpilot just going through the motions of living. Eventually we’ll get depressed. Depression can be understood as extremely low value creation.

        A common way to avoid the depressed mood of low value creationis to devalue—to lower the value of someone or something by deciding that “he’s not good enough ” or “that’s not worth it ” or “I’m not worth it.”

        Devaluing brings a temporary spike in energy becauseit invokes a subtle form of anger or disgust directed at yourself or others.

        Devaluing behaviors (such as criticism verbal aggression andactions motivated by contempt or disgust) feel briefly more empoweringthan the depressed mood of low value creation -284

      Increasing Core Value

      • focus your thoughts emotions and behaviors on increasingthe value of your experience and staying true to what is mostimportant to you.

      paths to a conscious state of core value 6

      • 1. Honor the most important thing about you as a person. 6

        2. Prove to yourself that you are worthy by doing something thatmakes you feel lovable and adequate 6

        3. Act on any one of the core value motivations 6

      Core Value Recovery Strategies 2 –

      • Improve. 2
        • The core value motivation to improve means striving tomake something better. For optimal success in recovering from thesevere effects intimate betrayal think of improving as an incrementalprocess—making things a little better at a time. People sometimesstop trying to improve because they don’t know how to “fix” a situation. 2

          In emotionally charged conditions it’s nearly impossible to godirectly from feeling bad to feeling 100 percent good. But once youmake something 10 percent better it becomes easier to make it 20percent better. 2

          Strive to make a bad situation a little better if you can but if youcan’t then make your experience of it better 2

          Keeping a log will help you focus on improving situations (or theway you experience them) in the future. 3

          Title this log “My Attemptsto Improve Bad Situations ” and use it to track the things you havedone or will do to improve by 10 percent a bad situation or your experienceof it 3

          (Examples 3

          • I have tried to communicate respectfully evenwhen the other person is disrespectful; 3
          • I enjoy music and recordedbooks while in traffic jams 3
          • I will try to solve problems rather thanblaming them on others 3

          Keeping the “improve log” will help rewire your brain to think ofways to improve when something bad happens rather than dwellingon how bad it is which is likely to make it worse 3 250

          IMPROVEMENT EXERCISE 3 4

          • 1. Describe something that makes you feel depressed o rresentful 4 3

            2. Describe what you can do to make your experienceof the event or circumstance 10 percent better 4 -79

            3. Describe what you can do to improve your experienceof the event or circumstance 10 percent more 4 -79

            4. Describe what you can do to improve your experienceanother 10 percent 4

      • Appreciate 5
        • We typically think of appreciation in terms of complimentaryexpressions such as “You’re wonderful” (or “special ” or“smart ” or “attractive”). Yet expressions like these often feel hollow.That’s because appreciation is primarily a felt condition not a verbalone. Missing in most compliments is the essential component ofappreciation—opening your heart and allowing yourself to beenhanced by certain qualities of other people or things 5

          For example when I appreciate your fine work or your thoughtful gestures I amenhanced; I become a better person as long as I appreciate you. (Thisis why appreciating and being appreciated are so appealing in relationships:both parties become better.) What’s more my appreciation ofyou has a ripple effect—it helps me appreciate the beauty of the sunset the drama of the painting or the excitement of the movie or play 5

          APPRECIATION EXERCISE 6

          • 1. Describe something that makes you blue or resentful 6

            2. Write down three things to appreciate about the room you are in at this moment. Force yourself if necessary to focus on your surroundings 6

            3. Write down three things to appreciate about your job or the work you do in or around your home 6 346

            4. Write down three things to appreciate about the time of year 7 3

            5. List three things to appreciate about your best friend 7 3

            6. List three things to appreciate about your parents or other elders in your life 7

            7. List three things to appreciate about your children or other people animals or even plants you care for 7

            8. List three things to appreciate about anything else 7

            9. Read what you have written aloud 7

      • Protect 8
        • Love activates a powerful instinct to protect 8

          selfvaluetends to rise and fall on the ability to protect loved ones. 8

          we feel more valuable when we protect them and less valuablewhen we fail to protect them 8

          Suppression of the instinct to protectalso suppresses the ability to love 8

          it is hardly possibleto heal any pain associated with betrayed love without followingthe instinct to protect other loved ones 8

          If you cannot protect loved ones through overt behavior (due toinaccessible or damaged relationships) do it in your imagination inthe knowledge that at some point you must make the effort to enactprotective behavior in order to overcome the negative effects of intimatebetrayal 8

          PROTECTION EXERCISE 8

          • Do this exercise whenever you need to access your core value. Themost enduring sense of empowerment comes from exercising yournatural instinct to protect 8 23

            List three ways you protect those you love and care for 8 23

      • Connect 9 -284
        • Connection is a sense that some part of your emotionalworld is also part of someone else’s 9 -284

          it makesus rise above purely selfish and petty concerns to regard the well-being of significant others or communities 9

          On a biological level connection elevates blood levels of the bonding hormone oxytocin which makes us feel calm safe and secure 9

          Connection is a mental state and a choice 9

          You choose to feel connectedto certain people or communities and you choose to feel disconnectedfrom them. 9

          level of connection 9

          • intimate 9
          • familial 9
          • communal 9
          • spiritual 9

      Core Value as IncompatibleResponse Strategy 9

      • One of the most potent of behavioral interventions is known as incompatibleresponse strategy (Baron 1984). 9

        It’s based on the principle thatall organisms (including human beings) are incapable of engaging intwo incompatible responses at once. 9

        It assumes one of the earliest ofbehavior principles: Where attention goes behavior follows 9

        Thestrategy is to focus attention on doing something that is incompatiblewith what you don’t want to do. 9

        For example you won’t be successfulfor very long if you try to stop yelling at work or at home. The frustrationof trying to suppress the impulse to yell while focused on notyelling will likely make you yell more 9

        That’s because the brain cannotdo negatives; it must do something instead of what you don’t want to do 9

        If you practice speaking to others respectfully with sensitivityto their individual sensibilities you will not yell at them and are farmore likely to get cooperation from them. 9

        Most of the exercises inthis book are based on using core value as an incompatible responsestrategy to accomplish what you want to do—increase the value ofyour experience—instead of what you don’t want to do—devalueyourself or others. 80 -332

        EXERCISE 80 -139

        Be sure to perform the behaviors you describe below with conviction:“I am doing the right thing by acting on my deeper values.”(If you approach all the exercises in the rest of the book with thisattitude and then enact the behaviors you describe you will heal improve and grow.) 80

        Describe something about your betrayal that invokes astate of numbness nervousness resentment depression or aggression 80 250

        Describe what you can do to 80 250

        • 1. Improve the situation or the way you experience it. 80 250
        • 2. Appreciate 81 3
        • 3. Protect 81 3
        • 4. Connect 81 3

      The above exercise once again demonstrates a crucial point aboutemotional healing and growth. While we cannot change what happenedto us in the past we have absolute control over the meaning ofour lives in the present and future 81 309

      Think of the things that have the profoundest influence on ourlives and how little control we have over them. We didn’t choose ourparents; we didn’t sit down with God and say “I’ll take those two overthere!” 81 309

      We didn’t choose what illnesses our mothers suffered duringpregnancy or whether they smoked or took aspirin 81 309

      We didn’t decidehow much money our families would have what early childhood illnessesor accidents we would experience which schools we would goto what kind of teachers and peers we would find there whetherother children would like or bully us 81 309

      We simply have no control over the major influences on our lives yet we have absolute control over what they mean to us. 81 309

      If we definethe meaning of our lives by bad things that happened to us we createchronic states of powerlessness and resentment with intermittentdepression. 81 309

      If we define the meaning of our lives by systematically increasing the value of our experience we create a life of meaning purpose and personal power 81 503

  • Part II: Retraining the Recovering Heart
  • Chapter 6-Getting to Core Value under Pressure: Your Core Value Bank
    • Building Your CVB
      • core value is a product of the naturallyhierarchical processing of our brains which necessarily makessome things more important than others

        In terms of emotional healing and growth the most significant factorsare not your values per se but whether you honor or violate them

        Honoring brings a sense of conviction and authenticity. Violatingbrings guilt shame and anxiety.

        Remaining focused on your deepest values will strengthen yourcore value and accelerate healing and growth.

      types of values 201

      • basic humanity 201
      • attachment (love) 201
      • spirituality 201
      • creativity 201
      • compassionatebehavior 201
      • connection with nature 201
      • connection with communities of people 201

      8 CVB Safe-Deposit Boxes

      • Box 1: Basic Humanity 19
        • Basic humanity is our innate interest in the well-being of others 19

          Inits more developed expressions it motivates cooperative respectful helpful nurturing protective and altruistic behaviors 19

          In adversity itmotivates sacrifice and rescue. 19

          Most experts agree that these kinds ofbehaviors helped our earliest ancestors survive harsh environmentsand prevail in competition with more powerful predators 19

          Developing a sense of basic humanity allows us to grow beyondthe limitations of personal experience and the prejudice that goeswith it

          The more in touch with basic humanity we are the morehumane we feel

          When out of touch with it we feel less humane withdiminished capacity for healing and growth 211

          Example: Imagine that you’re driving by yourself late at night with only oneother car on the road. Suddenly that car veers off the road and crashesinto a tree. Two people are in the car a mother and a four-year-oldchild. 309

      • Box 2: Meaning and Purpose 417
        • Meaning and purpose are not strictly speaking value 417

          Theyresult from being true to the most important things to and about us.If we are true to our deeper values whatever they are we have a senseof meaning and purpose. 417

          If we’re not we don’t and we’re likely to fillthe void with obsessions or addictions or simply become lethargic with little motivation and vitality 417

          EXERCISE

          • 1. What is the most important thing about you as a person -250

            2. Describe the most important thing about your life in general. -250

            Think in terms of your legacy to the world or howyou would like to be remembered. This is what you would like onyour tombstone or in a one- or two-sentence eulogy

      • Box 3: Attachment (Love) 7
        • Attachment is the formation and maintenance of affectionatebonds. It’s the first value we create in life. 8

          Attachment pain tends tobe the worst kind of emotional pain which is why intimate betrayal isso devastating—it can make you feel unlovable and inadequate as anintimate partner parent child sibling or close friend. 8

          EXERCISE: Fill this box with the names of your loved ones. You’re writingtheir names but the actual content of the box is the love you have forthem. 8

      • Box 4: Spirituality
        • In the psychological sense spirituality is not necessarily aboutGod or religion. It is a sense of connection to something larger thanthe self.

          That something can be God; nature; the cosmos; a social moral or political cause; or the sea of humanity. The importance ofspiritual connection predates recorded history. Evidence suggests thatthe Neanderthals—the more primitive group of “cave men”—buriedtheir dead in what appear to have been spiritual ceremonies

          EXERCISE: Add a symbol (a drawing or mark or word will do) ofsomething that has spiritual significance to you. It can be religious natural cosmic or social connecting you to something larger thanthe self. 627

      • Box 5: Nature
        • The ability to appreciate and be moved by the beauty of natureseems to be uniquely human

          We are capable of admiring nature andfeeling a part of it at the same time.

          EXERCISE: In this safe-deposit box name draw or describe a nature scenethat strikes you as beautiful

      • Box 6: Creativity 2
        • Creativity includes the expression and appreciation of art literature architecture music dance furniture jewelry or anything createdby you or by another person 2

          Both creating and appreciating willaccess core value to a degree commensurate with the effort and energyyou put into the activity. Most of the time creating requires moreeffort and energy but avid appreciation will also deliver substantialreward. 2

          EXERCISE: In this safe-deposit box identify a piece of art music craft orarchitecture or another human creation that you value 2

      • Box 7: Community 542
        • A conscious sense of community occurs with the realization thatyou are connected to a group of people. The human brain developedto its present form when we still needed to live in tightly-knit communitiesto survive. 542

          The biological importance of community is seen in the high degree of communal contagion of emotions—a powerful unconscious force underlying social structure

          In other words the social transmission and receptionof emotions includes us in communities both large and small whether or not we are aware of them. Core value is accessed when wemake ourselves aware of them

          EXERCISE: In this box identify how or where you experience communityconnection—for example place of worship school work orneighborhood 0

      • Box 8: Compassion 0
        • The definition of a compassionate act is something that helpsrelieve the suffering hardship or discomfort of another person withno material gain to you 0 6

          In other words you do not do it to get somethingin return. 0 6

          Compassionate acts are the lubricant of social bondsand the lifeblood of intimate relationships. It’s almost certain that youfelt a significant decrease in compassion from your partner prior tothe betrayal. 0 6

          Psychologically speaking there is more reward from small butfrequent compassionate behaviors than from a few large ones 0 213

          Givinga dollar to charity whenever you can for example carries more accumulativepsychological reward than giving a lump sum atChristmastime. 0 213

          There is no act of compassion too small to access astate of core value. Anything that fits into a routine is more likely toproduce lasting change and significant benefit 0 213

          EXERCISE: In safe-deposit box 8 list three compassionate things you havedone. These are times you helped or comforted someone else with nomaterial gain to you. The content of the box is your emotional statewhen you perform small gestures of compassion. (Choose relativelysmall gestures that can be part of your routine—helping someonestruggling with packages visiting the sick talking to someone whofeels down.) 0 35

      Using Your CVB 1

      Daily investment 1 23

      • A primary purpose of making daily investmentsin your CVB is to relieve the stress that accumulates from chronicallydevaluing yourself and others a tendency that almost always followsintimate betrayal 1 23

        The long-term goal is to create a habit of value creation so you will automatically seek to increase the value of yourexperience. 1 23

        Hence a strategy with unmatched potential for psychologicalhealing is to add one new item to your CVB or enhance anitem already in it every day for the rest of your life 1 23

        If that seems like too much just do it on the days when you eat.That’s not entirely a joke; you want to think of core value work asreplenishment something that must be done every day like eatingand sleeping 1 23

        It doesn’t take a lot of time only a few seconds really yetthe daily repetition rewires the brain to think and act in terms ofbuilding value rather than devaluing 1 23

      CORE VALUE BANK DAILYINVESTMENT STATEMENT 2 -91

      • Number of times today that I helped someone 2

        Number of times I respected someone 2

        Number of times I (silently) valued people I passed on thestreet: 2

        Number of times I valued people I talked to on the phone 2

        Number of times I felt self-compassion (recognized my hurtwith motivation to improve and heal): 2

        Number of times I felt compassion for someone else (understoodher perspective and offered to help 2

        Number of times I felt love for someone 2

        Number of times I felt an intimate connection 2

        Number of times I felt a communal connection 2

        Number of times I felt a spiritual connection 2

        Number of times I improved (by at least 5 percent) a troublesomesituation or improved my experience of it: 2 346

        Number of times when I worried about something bad thatmight happen I thought of how to improve it if it does happen 2 346

        Number of times I appreciated something about someone 3

        Number of times I appreciated something in nature 3

        Number of times I appreciated something made by a person—music art architecture furniture clothing and so forth 3

        Number of times I acted according to my deepest values 3

        Number of times I felt protective of someone while respectinghis autonomy 3

        Number of times I renewed my purpose in life 3

      Lifetime Core Value Bank Statement 3 3

      • Number of people I have helped: 3 3
      • Amount of suffering in the world I have decreased 3 3
      • Moments of happiness I have caused 3 3
      • Number of small ways I have made the world a better place 3 3

      Restorative images 4 -80

      As you fill up the safe-deposit boxes of yourCVB over time you simultaneously build a supply of restorativeimages any one of which can be associated with painful memories forthe purpose of healing them 4 -80

      Emotion regulation 4 -80

      • emotion regulation iscalming yourself down when you’re upset and cheering yourself upand when you’re down. 4 17

        most common forms of hurt and vulnerability 4 17

        • feeling disregarded 4 17
        • guilty 4 17
        • rejected 4 17
        • powerless 4 17
        • inadequate 4 17
        • unlovable 4 17

        Emotion regulation occurs when we movefrom states of hurt and vulnerability to states of core value 4 17

        Theunderlying strategy of most the exercises in this book is to converthurt and vulnerability into empowered states of core value. 4 114

      EMOTION REGULATION EXERCISE 5 2

      • The exercise below is designed to help you associate intrusivethoughts with images from your CVB. With practice the occurrenceof the former will stimulate the latter. Practice sessions consist ofrecalling an unpleasant thought then running through a streamlinedversion of your CVB. Most of the time this practice will helpyou arrive at something you can do to improve the situation or yourexperience of it 5 221

        Describe something you resent about your betrayal 5 221

        Invoke the emotions of your CVB 5 221

        Explain what you will do to improve 5 657

        Describe something about your betrayal that makesyou feel depressed or anxious 6 6

        Invoke the emotions of your CVB 6

        Explain what you will do to improve 6

  • Chapter 8-How to Change Hidden Guilt and Shame into Self-Compassion 0
    • The greatest obstacles to healing and growth following intimatebetrayal are also the cruelest because they seem so unfair. In bothhidden and overt ways guilt and shame permeate the hurt of intimatebetrayal and affect all close relationships. It would be highly unusualif at least one of your family or close relationships has not becomeproblematic to some extent since the betrayal. 0 133

      Guilt and shame operate mostly outside awareness—when you’reconscious of them at all it’s usually in the form of regret or anxiety which are reinforced by potent evolutionary and cultural pressures.The vast majority of the guilt and shame triggered by your partner’sbetrayal is irrational in nature; in other words you didn’t do anythingto cause the guilt or shame 0 375

      Guilt 1 –

      • Guilt is an uncomfortableand often painful feeling that comes from the belief—implicitor explicit—that you have violated a personal standard through specificthoughts or behaviors; that is you did (or imagined doing) somethingyou regard as wrong 1 –

      Shame 1 –

      • Shame is more global—a painful experienceof the self as failing due to character defect inferiority orinadequacy. 1 –

      Survival and Cultural Forces 2 –

      • inhibitions andreactions to behaviors that threaten emotional bonds. Fundamental tothese reactions and inhibitions are guilt and shame which create vulnerability—feeling bad and powerless—when attachment bonds arethreatened. 2 77

        If I threaten the bond—in thought or deed—I experienceguilt. 2 77

        If a loved one threatens it I experience shame commonlyreferred to as rejection. 2 77

        We usually encounter both at the same time.If I threaten the bond my loved one is apt to reject me thereby addingshame to the guilt; if my loved one threatens the bond I may reactby doing something that threatens it further thereby adding guilt tothe shame. 2 77

        the shame.The vulnerability engendered by guilt and shame can be relievedby strengthening the attachment bond 2 77

        The modern human ego resists implicitsuggestions of mistakes (guilt) and failure (shame). 2 23

      ego defenses 2 400

      • blame 2 400
      • anger 2 400
      • resentment 2 400
      • denial 2 400
      • avoidance 2 400

      “demand-withdrawal”dynamic 2 400

      • when onepartner wants more closeness than the other can tolerate. 2 400

        The withdrawingparty experiences guilt for his inability to meet the emotionalneeds of his partner and chooses an ego defense against theguilt usually blame (“You’re too needy!”) or anger (“You’re smotheringme!”) or avoidance (“Not now!”). 2 400

      Cultural Reinforcement of Guiltand Shame 3 -42

      • Throughout most of modern history attachment bonds have beenviewed as the cornerstone of stable orderly and cohesive communities. 3 23

      Guilt and Shame vs. Compassion for Selfand Loved Ones 4 -42

      Compassion is sympathy for the hurt distress or vulnerability ofanother with motivation to help. 4 -42

      Self-compassion is a sympatheticresponse to your own hurt distress or vulnerability with a motivationto heal repair and improve. 4 -42

      Unregulated Guilt and Shame 4

      • Block core value and obstructinterpersonal bridges 4
      • Fuel anger resentment ordepression 4
      • Feel like punishment 4
      • Deplete energy 4
      • Lower self-value 4 23
      • Impede compassion 4 23
      • Require validation andabsolution from others 4 23
      • Are likely to make theoffended party feel that youjust want to feel better 4 23

      Compassion 4 23

      • Invokes core value and reinstatesinterpersonal bridges 4 23
      • Is incompatible with anger andresentment; relieves depression 4 23
      • Feels soothing 4 23
      • Generates energy 4 23
      • Raises self-value 4 23
      • Regulates guilt and shame 4 23
      • Is self-rewarding andself-validating 4 23
      • Is likely to make the offendedparty feel valued 4 23

      EXERCISE 5 603

      • Make an honest and sincere effort to root out your hidden guilt andshame in the following exercise 5 603

        If you’re resentful angry anxious How to Change Hidden Guilt and Shame into Self-Compassion107obsessive or depressed after intimate betrayal you certainly havehidden guilt and shame that must be converted to self-compassion. 5 603

        Changing Guilt and Shame to Self-Compassionand Compassion for Loved Ones 6 2

        Guilt and Shame 6 2

        • (Example: I wasn’tthere for thepeople I love in themonths followingmy ex’s betrayal.) 6 2

          (Example: Iinsensitively hurtthe feelings of aloved one whenshe said that shemissed my ex.) 6 2

          (Example: I lied to myloved ones aboutthe abuse I sufferedin my marriage.) 7

          Example: I ignoredcalls from myestranged fatherwhen he reachedout to me after myex’s betrayal.) 7 45

        ApplySelf-Compassion 6 2

        • (Example: I was inpain like millionsbefore me whohave enduredintimate betrayal.I will make adedicated effort tobe there for lovedones in the future.) 6 2

          (Example: I was notin touch with mycore value; Imisinterpreted herfeelings as anotherbetrayal. I will bemore discerning inthe future.) 6 2

          (Example: I was soashamed of it thatI couldn’t face thetruth myself. I willembrace the truthin the future.) 7 7

          (Example: At thatvulnerable time Icouldn’t let myselfthink about thelong-term issues Ihave with my father.) 7 7

        Show Compassion 6 2

        • (Example: I will set upan “appreciation”meeting or lunchwith each loved oneI have neglected.) 6 2

          (Example: I will let herknow that herfeelings areimportant to meand that there isno excuse for whatI said or for failingto consider her.) 6 2

          (Example: I will assuremy loved ones thatthey deserve thechance to becompassionate andhelpful to me. I willbe honest and openwith them.) 7 7

          (Example: Althoughmy father is adeeply flawedperson who washurt early in hislife he has somecaring and worthyqualities. I am notready to resume arelationship withhim but I appreciatethe gestures of lovehe has made.) 7 7

      Rational Guilt and Shame 7 52

      • Once again most of the guilt and shame you experience aboutyour betrayal are irrational artifacts of the early days of species evolution when preserving attachment bonds was necessary for survival 7 52

        But you will also have some rational guilt and shame about simplehuman mistakes you’ve made and a few personal failures of the sortthat everyone occasionally commits in intimate relationships. Thesefeelings will prevent healing and growth if ignored explained away or justified. 7 52

        attachment guilt andshame are motivations to connect to loved ones; 8 6

        • they will persistentlyreemerge until you act on the motivation to connect. 8 6

          As with all emotions guilt and shame lose their motivationalpower when we focus too much on how they feel and not enough onwhat they tell us to do 8 6

          Focus on the feelings themselves rather thanacting on their motivations to connect is likely to make you look fora quick fix to temporarily numb the pain (through blame anger oralcohol) or distract from it with compulsive behaviors (such as workingall the time) or obsessions (thinking endlessly about somethingelse). 8 6

          Quick fixes for guilt and shame typically lead to more failureand violation of values which produce still more guilt and shame 8 6

          if allyour love relationships are abusive or conflicted or simply will notsupport meaningful improvement you can effectively substitute communalor spiritual connections to reduce guilt and shame and enhancecore value. 8 6

      EXERCISE: Rational Guilt 8 489

      • Divide a piece of paper into three columns. At the top of the firstcolumn write: “Things I regret doing or not doing.” Then fill in thecolumn with as many things as you can think of that you regret 8 5
        • (Note: Don’t explain or justify the behavior you regret—that will onlymake you angrier and worsen the guilt and shame.) 8 5

        At the top of the second column write: “Self-compassion for thehurt or vulnerability I experienced before I did what I regret” and fillin that column. 8 5

        And at the top of the third column write: “What Ican do now to honor my values (and feel authentic)” and fill in thatcolumn as well. 8 5

        Things I regretdoing or notdoing 9 4

        • I regret that I ignoredmy wife and madeher feel alone in ourmarriage. That didnot justify her affairand desertion ofour family but mybehavior was aviolation of mycore value. 9 130

          I regret that I wascritical anddefensive inmy marriage. 9 130

        Self-compassionfor the hurt orvulnerabilityI experiencedbefore I didwhat I regret 9 4

        • I didn’t know how toresolve the fear Ifelt about losing herwhenever we couldget close and soI distanced myselffrom her. I will notmake that mistakeagain. 9 4

          I felt criticized byothers my whole lifeand had grownhighly sensitive tofeedback by thetime I got married.I know that I cangive and receivefeedback fromloved ones withoutbeing critical ordefensive. 9 177

        What I can donow to honormy values(and feelauthentic) 9 15

        • I will make an effortto connect withsignificant peoplecurrently in my life;I will call my motherweekly make surethat my childrenknow that I amthere for them write a thank-youletter to friends whohave supportedme strengthenmy communityconnections andrenew my spirituallife. 9 15

          will make an effortto stay connectedwhen loved onestell me somethingI don’t like understanding thatwe can reachresolution only ifconnected. I willmake respectfulbehavior requests making sure that weall agree that therequests are fair. 9 177

      EXERCISE: Anger and Resentment Regulation 120

      • On a piece of paper briefly describe an event in your recent pastthat triggered your anger or resentment. (Example: My ex-wifeimplied yet again that she left me for another man because I wasa bad lover.) Then answer the following questions: 120

        I’m angry but what do I also feel guilty about? 120

        • (Example:I say the same kinds of things about her.) 120

        I’m resentful but what do I also feel ashamed of? 120

        • (Example: I slip so easily into feeling inadequate as a loverduring our marriage.) 120

        What will I do to improve appreciate connect orprotect? 120 335

        • (Example: In future relationships I will open myheart to true intimacy. If problems arise—including sexualproblems—I will address them with my partner from my corevalue in compassionate and respectful ways.) 120 335

      laws of attachment 121 -25

      • #1. Whenever we threaten attachment bonds through withdrawal of interest failure of compassion breach of trust failure to trust diminishment of love avoidance of intimacy or failure to protect we experience some level of guilt. Attachment guilt is a kind of distance regulator whose function is to motivate more emotional investment in the attachment bond. Get close (invest more interest trust compassion love protection) and the guilt subsides; distance further and it gets worse 121

        #2. Whenever we feel that an attachment figure loses interest withholds compassion fails to trust breeches trust withdraws love avoids intimacy or fails to protect we experienceshame and some level of guilt. 121

      Summary 121

      • Most of the guilt and shame following intimate betrayal are irrational due more to ancient laws of attachment than to anything you didor any failures you perceived. 121 -25

        Guilt and shame regarding love relationshipsalways tell us to connect (love better) though not necessarilywith the person who betrayed you. 121 -25

        Self-compassion is the naturalconduit to core value healing and growth. 121 -25

  • Chapter 7-Intimate Betrayal and Post-Traumatic Stress 8
    • PTS-Post Traumatic Stress 8 23

      The most familiar type of PTS—the one that gets most of thepress—is caused by an acute stressor or life-threatening event whichexerts an extreme reaction in the central nervous system (CNS 8 23

      Types of PTS 8 23

      • life-threatening event 8 23
        • military combat 8 23
        • rape 8 23
        • mugging 8 23
        • gun violence 8 23
        • seriouscar crash 8 23
      • less intense 8 23
        • people who are sued 8 23
        • puton trial for crimes 8 23
        • investigated by the Internal Revenue Service 8 23
        • persecuted 8 23
        • discriminated against 8 23
        • bullied 8 23
        • ridiculed at work or school 8 23

      A Physiological Model 9 –

      Common symptoms of PTS 56

      • vivid flashbacks of painful incidents from the past (oftenfrom childhood) 250
      • intense anxiety or fear 250
      • utter confusion and impaired decision-making 250
      • rage 250
      • sorrow hopelessness depression or despair 250
      • high impulsivity 250
      • aggressive or violent fantasies 250

      Triggers and Timing of the Symptoms 101 3

      • PTS symptoms have triggers but they are often difficult andsometimes impossible to discern 101 45

        physical pain is a usefulmodel of how the triggers work and why they’re so hard to figure out 101 45

        The brain processes pain on a dedicated neural network that getspriority processing 101 45

        If you doubt that imagine this: During a soulful mutually validating talk with your best friend you spill hot coffee onyourself. What do you think your brain will regard as more important paying attention to your friend or attending to your injury? Afterthe burn priority neural networks become hypersensitive. You flinchwhen your hand gets near a hot cup of coffee because the pain hasbeen associated with the heat. This involuntary reaction persists untilrepeated experience over time demonstrates that pain caused by thehot coffee is unlikely to recur as long as you’re careful 101 45

        coffee is unlikely to recur as long as you’re careful.Just as sensing heat triggers the flinch in the burn victim’s hand the reinstatement of intimacy trust love or compassion can triggerthe same kind of involuntary “flinch”—waves of negative emotions—after intimate betrayal. 101 45

        It is intimacy that led to betrayal and thebetrayed brain will likely associate pain with intimate exposure 101 45

        Because feelings of intimacy are often vague with a wide range ofassociated memories (from toddlerhood all the way through yourmost recent experience) specific triggers of PTS responses are hardto pinpoint. But you can bet that in the months following intimatebetrayal the alarm will sound at the most inopportune time—duringa warm embrace with a friend or in a moment of enjoyment with yourchildren or in the midst of pleasant thoughts. Out of nowhere thewaves of negative emotions will crash upon you 101 142

      You Are Not Your Symptoms 29

      • It’s important to know that PTS symptoms are not part of your personality 29
      • They are merely a delayed mostly physiological response topast stressors 29
      • They are a perfectly natural stage of recovery from aprolonged period of stress 29

      Secondary symptoms 395

      • Secondary symptoms are triggeredby the meaning you give to primary symptoms 395

        If you think the abrupt waves of emotion mean that you’re crazy or that you will neverbe well or happy or that you’re defective or dying then the effects arehorrible and you get flooded with adrenaline and cortisol from thesecondary symptoms on top of the primary ones

        To heal and grow as you so richly deserve to do you must controlthe meaning of your emotional experience—in other words what itmeans to you and about you. That is the secret of managing the intrusivesymptoms of PTS that so often follow intimate betrayal

        The most damaging aspect of PTS symptoms are secondary symptoms or symptoms about symptoms 395

      How to Manage the Symptoms -31

      Handle the waves of PTS feelings with gentleness and care.There is good news in them. Their very existence means that thestressor has been removed

      No one has nightmares about bombs droppingduring the war

      While stressors are active the CNS goes intosurvival mode with no mental resources allotted to “getting back tonormal.”

      Only after the stressor is over does the CNS begin to recalibrateto normal. That is why a diagnosis of post-traumatic stress disorder(PTSD) cannot be made until at least three months after thestressor has been removed

      Signs of Healing

      • The symptoms are temporary
        • Unless you feed them withspeculation about why they’re occurring or what theymean about you or your present relationships they willlast no more than a few minutes.

        They are a sign of healing

        They’re not about now; they’re residual effects of somethingthat happened in the past.

        The best way to handle the waves of negative emotion is to sitback and let them wash over you. 503

        Say to yourself “Oh here’s one of those temporary waves. It doesn’t mean anything and it will soonpass. I’m okay now and I’ll be better in a few minutes.” 64

        The symptoms are a lot like waves at the beach. If you try to standup to crashing ocean waves they can grind you into the sand. But ifyou dive under them you’re aware only of a force whooshing quicklyover you 64

        under them you’re aware only of a force whooshing quicklyover you. Allow the PTS symptoms to wash over you like the sensationof swimming under waves at the beach. Then they will last nomore than a few minutes with minimal discomfort. Managed in thisway they will most likely diminish in frequency and intensity untilthey stop altogether

      CVB EXERCISE FOR PTS 659

      • Describe a wave of negative emotion you’ve experienced thatseemed to come out of nowhere 40

        Now imagine that during this experience you are reassuringyourself that it is temporary without psychological meaning a merephysiological response a residual effect to past events and a signalthat you are in a healing process that will soon be completed 40

        Associatethe images of your core value bank with the symptoms youexperienced. 40

        Medication 475

        Insomnia -96

        • In the weeks following intimate betrayal almost everyone sufferssome kind of sleep disturbance. Once PTS takes hold sleepingsoundly seems like a faint memory of the distant past. The unfortunateresult is impaired cognitive processes low energy and highererror rates in whatever you try to do. Our ability to regulate emotionsand keep calm and reasonably optimistic under stress falters greatlywith sleep deprivation. 51

          (The brain perceives more vulnerability whentired and is more likely to use the adrenaline of low-grade anger forenergy. 196

          That’s why irritability is a hallmark of sleep deprivation 196

        insomnia tips. 170

        • Keep your bedroom as dark as possible 315

          Go to bed and get up at the same time each day 315

          Reduce nicotine caffeine alcohol and other stimulants especially after 3 p.m. at least until your insomnia is gone 315

          Limit naps to one short one per day no more than twentyminutes. 315

          Exercise for thirty minutes a day—walking will do—butnot within three hours of bedtime. 315

          Limit activities in bed. Don’t work or watch TV or surfthe web. Just sleep or have sex in your bed. 315

          Avoid late dinners and nightcaps. But a light snack of proteinand carbohydrates (such as a couple of crackers withcheese or half a bowl of cereal with milk) helps manypeople sleep. –

          Make your sleeping environment comfortable dark andquiet. –

      INSOMNIA EXERCISE 35

      • Collect pictures or draw images to represent one or two items ofeach safe-deposit box of your CVB 35

        On a plain piece of paper draw five vertical lines and three horizontal lines to form the eightsafe-deposit boxes of your CVB. Paste each picture or drawing in itsappropriate box and memorize the images. Whenever you can’t getto sleep lie perfectly still and meditate on the pictures one by one slowly passing in an endless loop in your imagination—no words no numbers no anxiety only soothing images 35

  • Chapter 9-Overcoming Resentment and the Danger of Trust
    • Overcoming Resentment and the Danger of Trust
    • Form and Function 400
      • Resentment is a derivative of innate anger although it emerges later inchildhood as children develop a strong sense of fairness. Inherent inresentment is a perception of unfairness—you’re not getting the help appreciation consideration affection reward or praise you deserve. 400

        Resentment shares the physiological characteristics of anger but isless intense and of longer duration; in other words it occupies lower levels of arousal but lasts much much longer. Where anger (whendirected at others) is an aggressive exertion of power to get someoneto back off or submit to what you want (either in reality or in yourimagination) resentment is a defensive way of devaluing and mentallyretaliating against those whom you perceive to be treating you unfairly. 123 -284

    • The Resentment Experience: MoreThan a Feeling 123 282
      • Describing what resentment feels like is difficult because it buildsmostly under the radar—by the time you know you’re resentful it’s ina highly advanced stage 123 282

        People often give vague descriptions such as“I’m in a sour mood ” or “I’m just irritable.” If you ask how they feel they’ll likely talk about other people cheating lying manipulating orabusing them. At the same time they will describe resentful others ashaving “a chip on their shoulders.” 123 282

  • Part III: Loving Again 2
  • Chapter 10-The Path to Wise Trust 4
    • Human beings need to trust. 4 142
      • Trust allays anxiety helps lift depression and makes it possible to consistently invest interest and enjoymentin one another. 4 336

        There could be no civilization enduring health or mental wellness without trust. The most ordinary interpersonal commercial medical and legal interactions would be impossiblewithout some degree of trust. 4 336

        Distrust is fraught with anxiety andresentment. No loneliness is lonelier than distrust. 4 336

        intimate betrayal impairs the abilityto trust 4 336

    • Blind trust 4 531
      • Blind trust puts faith in someone without regard to demonstratedreliability or trustworthiness 4 531

        It’s more a reluctance to experience the doubt anxiety and loneliness of distrust than an endorsement of theother person’s better qualities 5 -235

    • Suspiciousness 5 -235
      • Suspiciousness is focused on the merepossibility of betrayal. 5 -235
    • Wise trust 5 -235
      • Wise trust assesses the probability of betrayal in recognition that we are all frail creatures capable of betrayal in weakermoments 5 -235

        it’s possible that any of us could betray a lovedone. Blind trust denies this darker characteristic of human nature;suspiciousness exaggerates it. Wise trust is an assessment that theprobability of betrayal is low. 5

        Trusting wisely in close relationships is a slow and gradual process.It has to be; any accurate assessment of the probability of betrayalmust be based on the demonstration of reliability over time and understress. Unfortunately there’s a loose cannon in assessing the probabilityof anything at all. In elevated levels anxiety presents a major barrierto wise trust. 5

    • Anxiety 5
      • In small doses anxiety is a vital emotion 5 142

        Without it you could bekilled crossing the street and would find yourself largely ill-preparedfor the important tasks of life. 5 142

        Anxiety tells you to pay attention because something different might happen 5 142

        Simple anxiety is activatedby actual or anticipated change in the environment or in yourimagination. 5 142

        It makes you focus on dealing with the pending changeby shutting out most other information. 5 142

        The anxiety about a fire inthe room gets you to stop thinking about what you’ll have for lunch soyou can focus on putting out the fire. 5 142

        Anxiety becomes a problem when it taps into an underlying senseof incompetence that makes it feel like you don’t know what to do orwhat to focus on. 5 335

        The aroused but indecisive brain begins to scan taking in a lot more surface information a lot more rapidly with less discernment of what is relevant. In other words your thoughts race sometimes like a runaway freight train. 5

        Because scanning takes in a lot of superficial information assessmentsbased on it have a higher likelihood of error which is why ourjudgments while anxious are often wrong 6 -42

        What’s more the scanningprocess itself raises anxiety with its flurry of possibilities most ofwhich are unrelated to the change that triggered the anxiety in thefirst place. 6 -42

        The more you scan the more anxious you get. You mayhave noticed this with your children. If you yell at them for makingmistakes you can pretty much bet that they’ll keep making the sameones over and over. Yelling at a child to be careful after he’s droppeda glass for instance makes him unconsciously associate anxiety withpicking up the glass. 6 -42

        Instead of focusing on how to pick it up safely his brain begins to scan as soon as he gets near the glass. He pays lessattention to what he’s doing and more to the thoughts racing throughhis mind increasing the likelihood of dropping the glass. If you wantto decrease the likelihood of broken glasses lower his anxiety by softlyand calmly suggesting how to pick up a glass—for example 6 -42

        “Be surewhen you pick up the glass that you feel the coolness in the palm ofyour hand.” 6 -42

        Focus the opposite of scanning lowers anxiety. Anxietyregulation—a necessity for trusting wisely—requires focus 6

    • Anxiety Regulation 6
    • A good way to gain focus while anxious is to give your racingthoughts answers 6
    • This will slow down the scanning of unlikely possibilitiesand allow focus on the more likely ones 6
    • 1. Write down some of the thoughts that race through your mindwhen you’re anxious 6
    • 2. Record your answers 6
    • My Racing Thoughts My Answers Exercise 7 19
      • (Example: I’ll screw things up.) 7 19
        • (Example: I’ll try my best toavoid mistakes and to correctany I might make.) 7 19
      • (Example: My friends willabandon me.) 7 19
        • (Example: If my friendsare displeased I’ll explainmy intentions sincerelyand honestly.) 7 19
      • (Example: My childrenwill hate me.) 7 19
        • (Example: I’ll let them knowhow much I care about them.If they display negativefeelings I’ll let them knowthat they can safely expresstheir feelings to me.) 7 19
      • (Example: No one willlove me.) 7 19
        • (Example: I will try to seeother people’s perspectivesand be more compassionate.My compassion will makeme feel more lovable.) 7 19
      • (Example: I’ll hatedating again.) 7
        • (Example: I’ll give myselftime and when I’m ready I’ll try to find somethingto like about dating suchas meeting new people orgetting to know them better.) 7
      • (Example: My work team willlose the contract.) 7
        • (Example: We’ll work hardto keep that from happening but if it does we’ll learnfrom it and do better thenext time.) 7
  • Chapter 11-How to Know If You’re Dating a Future Betrayer 8
    • The first big test on the path to wise trust comes in dating. My heartfeltreason for including this brief chapter comes from so many storiesof hurt clients who rushed into dating only to be betrayed yet again.It can happen to anyone. In general the people most likely to betrayintimate bonds are quite skilled at pretending to be everything you’vealways wanted in a partner. They can be so seductive that you areunlikely to notice the red flags of future betrayal—deceitful angry controlling possessive jealous overly flirtatious or violent behavior—until you’re already attached and feeling protective. 8 315

      Berrayal Early Warning Signs 8 557

      Sign #1: Blaming 35

      • Avoid anyone who blames his negative feelings and failures onsomeone else. You have to be really careful here; blamers can seduceby making you look great in comparison to previous partners 133

        “You’re so smart sensitive caring and loving—not like thejerks I usually meet.” 181

        “You’ve shown me all the things that love should be just whenI thought that only cheats and liars dated anymore.” 181

        “You’re so calm and together; he was so crazy and paranoid.” 181

        “You’re so sweet and honest you would never betray me likeshe did.” 181

        “Why couldn’t I have met you before I got involved with thatself-centered jerk?” 181

      Sign #2: Resentment 0 96

      • Resentful people feel like they are notgetting the help consideration praise reward or affection they thinkis due them. They get so caught up in their “rights” and locked intotheir own perspectives that they become insensitive to the rights andperspectives of others. Of course the resentment will not be directedtoward you at first but you will most likely see it in their references toothers. If you come to love a resentful person you’ll eventually bearthe brunt of that resentment and almost certainly feel diminished inthe relationship. Eventually you’ll feel betrayed 0 96

      Sign #3: Entitlement 0 33

      • People with a sense of entitlement feel that they deserve specialconsideration and special treatment. They may cut in front of otherswaiting in line smoke wherever they want drive any way they want say anything they like and do pretty much whatever they choose with little consideration of others 0 33

        Driven by high expectations of what other people should do forthem they feel offended when the world doesn’t cooperate. (And theworld won’t cooperate with entitlement needs once they’re over fiveyears old and not so cute anymore.) So it seems only fair from their myopic perspectives that they get some kind of compensation fortheir constant frustrations. Typical rationalizations include: 0 630

        “It’s so hard being me I shouldn’t have to wait in line too!” 1 -86

        “With all I have to put up with I deserve to take a few suppliesfrom the office.” 1 -86

        “With the kind of day I had how could they expect me tolisten to their problems?” 1 -86

        “All the taxes I pay and they bother me about this littlededuction!” 1 -86

        “The way I hit the golf ball today I should get the best seat inthe restaurant!” 1 -86

        “She just flat out refused to cook my dinner so she got whatshe deserved.” 1 -86

        “He said he loved me but he hardly ever bought me things.No wonder I was attracted to someone else.” 1 106

        During the glow of infatuation the entitled person will regardyou as equally entitled to special consideration from others. He’ll“support” you to take all you can from “unfair” others. But after theglow wears off his feelings preferences and desires will clearly bemore important than yours. If you agree with that you’ll get depressed.If you disagree you’ll get betrayed 1 252

      Sign #4: Superiority 1 543

      • Potential betrayers tend to have hierarchical self-esteem; that is they need to feel better than others to feel okay about themselves.They constantly point out ways in which they are smarter more sensitive or more talented than others. This behavior can be seductive in as she’ll insist that you too are superior. (You must be tomerit her company.) But the hierarchy will become clear over time with you on the bottom. 1 640

        predatoryself-esteem 2 -221

        • The most abusive form of hierarchical self-esteem is predatory self-esteem. To feel good about themselves those with predatory selfesteemneed to make other people feel bad about themselves. Peoplewho disagree with them or fail to recognize their talents are “stupid ”“ignorant ” or “narrow-minded.” 2 -221

          Many will score high on self-esteemtests if they come for treatment (usually under court order) whileeveryone else in their family tests low. But once intervention increasesthe self-esteem of the emotionally beaten-down spouses and children who then no longer internalize the put-downs as a consequence oftheir “inferiority ” the self-esteem of predators plummets. They simplycan’t feel good when they can’t make others feel bad. 2 -221

        self-righteousness 2

        • A variation on this very early warning sign is self-righteousness.People who disagree with the self-righteous are worse than “wrong”:they’re “immoral”! Those who don’t keep house a certain way have noidea how “decent” people should live. If you don’t meet their whims you’re selfish and unlovable 2

      Sign #5: Sarcasm 2 361

      • Sarcasm comes in many forms. Sometimes it’s just poorly timedhumor—saying the wrong thing in the wrong context. Sometimes it’sinnocently insensitive with no intention to hurt or offend. Moreoften it’s hostile and meant to devalue. The purpose is to underminesomeone or to shake her confidence either for a temporary ego gainor for some strategic advantage 2 361

        Sarcastic people tend to be heavy into impression management often trying too hard to sound smart or witty. In dating their sarcasmwill be directed at others. In a relationship it will center on you. Ifyou are hurt by their sarcasm they will criticize you for having a “poor sense of humor.” They’ll feel misunderstood and unappreciated mostof the time. In their minds those feelings will justify whateverbetrayal they choose to enact 2 603

      Sign #6: Minor Jealousy 3 32

      • Minor jealousy is more subtle than the obvious red flag of controllingand possessive behavior. It looks more like this: Your date isslightly uncomfortable when you talk to—or even look at—someoneyou might possibly be attracted to. Nothing will be said but theuncomfortable feeling is apparent 3 32

        Jealousy even in mild forms is a potent predictor of future betrayal 3 32

        The tough thing about minor jealousy in dating is that you actuallywant a tiny bit of it to know that the other person cares. (Youwouldn’t want to love someone who couldn’t care less if you slept withthe entire volleyball team.) But a little bit of jealousy goes a long longway. Think of it as a drop of powerfully concentrated liquid in a hugebucket of water. More than a tiny drop will poison any relationshipyou might develop and more important put you in harm’s way.Jealousy even in mild forms is a potent predictor of future betrayal. 3 32

      Sign #7: Rushing 3

      • I have had many women clients complain that their new boyfriendsdon’t try very hard to pursue them or to sweep them off theirfeet. I always say “How lucky you are!” 3

        “too fast” 3

        Those who go “too fast” (defined as whatever makes you uncomfortable)do not respect personal boundaries. (One way to define“abuse” is “behavior that violates personal boundaries.”) 3 2

        The rusher will often promise at least implicitly to meet all your desires andpreferences a promise impossible to keep. A telltale sign is hisoffering a bit more than you think you deserve in the early stages ofthe relationship. It is not flattering to have someone want you so muchthat she doesn’t care whether you’re comfortable with her desires andintentions. Make sure that anyone you date shows respect for yourcomfort level. A lover insensitive to your internal world will likelybetray you. 3 2

      Sign #8: Childlike Playfulness and Affection 4 93

      • Few characteristics are more seductive than playfulness and childlikeexpressions of affection. A playful lover can revitalize your emotionsand reawaken a sense of sheer joy. But as with most good things there’s a downside. 4 93

        People who play with toddler-like innocence tend to be toddlerlikein other ways as well. They are likely to use the toddler defensesof blame denial and avoidance rendering the most minor relationshipnegotiation impossible. You’re likely to witness subtle hints ofimpatience entitlement envy and temper tantrums in their dealingswith others. These will increase in frequency and intensity as yourrelationship progresses. You might enjoy the playfulness and affectionin a potential lover but be sure not to overlook it as an early warningsign of potential betrayal 4 93

      Very Early Warning Signs Checklist 5 56

      • Identify how many times on your last three dates or visits youwitnessedyour partner do the following to you or to someone else: 5 56

        blame 5 56

        show resentment 5 56

        display a sense of entitlement or expect special consideration 5 56

        act superior 5 250

        be sarcastic 5 250

        show minor (or any kind of) jealousy 5 250

        rush you for more contact or intimacy or commitment 5 250

        suddenly withdraw playfulness and affection to pout or get angry 5 250

      Trust in Yourself 4 384

      While prudent concern in dating is a good thing you want to be surethat your caution is proactive rather than reactive; you want it basedon trust of your perceptions and instincts rather than distrust of loveand relationships. The ability to trust yourself rises from your corevalue. 4 384

  • Part IV: Rebuilding a Betrayed Relationship 4
  • Chapter 12-Intimacy and the Hungry Heart 8
    • During the long recovery from intimate betrayal a bruised heart islikely to grow hungry for intimate contact. It may weaken from thathunger but it will never starve to death. Sooner or later the hungryhearts of most betrayed people kick through any remaining defensivewalls to feed on love. 8

      Human beings come into the world with a drive for intimate contact.But if the most important attachment relationships provide morepunishment than reward as in intimate betrayal the drive to love isconstrained by fear and shame. Eventually the recovering heart though hungry for intimacy is likely to feed on the only emotionalexperience forceful enough to break through inhibitions of fear andshame: passion. 8

      Intimacy vs. Passion 8

      Passion 8

      • Passion is the fast food of love immediately gratifying and filled withcalories but with little of the nutritional value of true intimacy 9

        Interms of relationship function passion brings us together but intimacykeeps us together; passion moves us but intimacy makes us grow 9

      illusion of sameness. 9

      • When emotions run high partners tend to project their feelings onto each other: “If I feel this you must feel it too.” Their mutual projection creates an illusion thatthey are somehow merged. I call it the illusion of sameness 9

      Intimacy vs. the Illusion of Sameness 9

      • The biggest mistake we make in regard to intimate connection isassuming that our partners’ experience is the same as ours and thatthe events we experience and the behaviors we enact mean the sameto them as they do to us 9

        This singular illusion is largely a product ofthe hormone that mediates the formation of emotional bonds 9

      Oxytocin 9

      • Oxytocin causes feelings of closeness warmth and trust as it facilitatesidealized projections. The illusion of sameness allows us to createsome measure of safety in the face of the vulnerability that intimateconnections evoke. To ward off feelings of inadequacy and fear ofrejection we talk ourselves into pleasant delusions 9

      pleasant delusions 9

      • “Our hearts beat as one.” 9
      • “We’re soul mates.” 9
      • “We’re so close that we complete each other’s sentences.” 9
      • “She really believes in me.” 9
      • “He really gets me.” 0

      The price of any safety and security the illusion of sameness 0

      • The price of any safety and security the illusion of sameness mayoffer is an inability to see our partners apart from our feelings aboutthem. Partners who want to feel like “soul mates” will begin to feelinvisible unheard criticized controlled and betrayed when they tryto express their individuality 0

        Most fights in relationships afflictedwith the illusion of sameness can be reduced to the demand “Youmust be more like me and see the world the way I do!” 0

      No “Me-Harmony” 0

      • Lovers who suffer the illusion of sameness inevitably discover thattheir partners are not simply copies of themselves. Your partner almostcertainly has a different temperament different experiences differenthormones or hormonal levels a different trajectory of emotionaldevelopment and different support networks all of which will causehim to give different emotional meanings to events and experiences.If you do not appreciate and respect those differences you will feelbetrayed by them. 0

        To love freely in the highly complex and emotionally demandingmodern world we must respect all our differences appreciate many ofthem and tolerate those we cannot appreciate. The great beauty ofharmony in relationships as in music lies in combinations of differentnotes not endlessly repeated unison. 0

      Intimacy and Discovery 0

      • True intimacy regulates the urge to project feelings onto your partnerby replacing it with appreciation of your separateness: “You add dimensionsto my experience because you’re different from me.” The moreyou are able to love your partner because of your differences the moredimensions of self you gain. In a continual process of discovery you come to know your lover while learning about yourself from the wayyou behave in the context of love. That’s why you can’t really knowyourself until you love another person and you can’t completely knowother people without loving them. 1

        Intimate discovery is not primarily factual; love is not profiling.It’s almost an entirely emotional sense of how we experience the world rather than an intellectual understanding of what we experience.More than just learning that you like sunsets intimacy is understandingwhat sunsets mean to you 1

        The discovery process of intimacy yields a kind of binocularvision—the ability to see the world through your partner’s eyes knowingher desires dreams ambitions vulnerabilities and strengths while simultaneously understanding your own. You cannot grasp thereality of an intimate relationship by seeing the world through justone lens—yours or your partner’s. The complete reality of the relationshipemerges only by looking through two separate lensessimultaneously 1

        Early Messages of Intimacy-Non Verbal Cues 1

        • body language 1
        • tone of voice 1
        • facial expression 1
        • tension 1
        • relaxation 1
        • focus 1
        • distractedness 1
        • silence 1
        • hesitation 1
        • impatience 1
        • discomfort 1
        • eagerness 1
        • enthusiasm 1

        Intimacy Checklist 2

        • advanced intimate connection 2

          accept one another for who they are 3

          experience high regard for each other 3

          protect the welfare of one another 3

          are “there” for each other to give emotional support duringdifficult times 3

          share occasional interest excitement enjoyment and joy as well as sadness loss and disappointment 3

          communicate freely on more than practical or superficiallevels 3

          Can you disclose anything about yourself to your partner including your deepest thoughts and feelings withoutfear of rejection or misunderstanding? Does your partnerfeel safe in disclosing anything to you? 2

          Is the overall message of your relationship “grow expand create disclose reveal”? Or is it “hide conceal thinkonly in certain ways behave only in certain ways feel onlycertain things”? 2

          Do you feel that you can both develop into the best peopleyou can be as the relationship progresses? 2

          Does your partner fully accept that you have thoughts beliefs preferences and feelings that differ from his? Canhe respect those differences and accept them without tryingto change them? 2

          Do you want to accept that your partner has thoughts beliefs preferences and feelings that differ from yours?Can you respect those differences and accept them withouttrying to change them? 2

          What are your primary dreams and ambitions? Does yourpartner understand and accept them? What are your partner’sdreams and ambitions? Do you truly understand andaccept them? 2

      The Opposite of Intimacy:Emotional Need 3

      • Even after a lot of care and core value work a heart hungry for intimacymay occasionally cry out its longing in anxiety or despair. Whenthat happens we should not confuse the perfectly natural yearningfor a close relationship with an emotional need for one. The bestchance of finding freely given love in a safe relationship is to approachit out of desire not emotional need 3

        “Freedom to love” is a key phrase. To be free to do something wemust be free not to do it. We are free to love only to the extent that wearen’t forced into it in vain attempts to relieve guilt shame or fear ofabandonment or by misguided efforts to make up for past mistakes or worst of all by misinterpreting vulnerable feelings as signals ofemotional need. 3

        An emotional need is a preference or desire that you’ve decidedmust be gratified to maintain equilibrium; that is you can’t be well orfeel whole without it. 4

        The perception of need begins with a rise in emotional intensity—you feel more strongly about doing this or having that. As theintensity increases it can feel like you “need” to do or have it for onecompelling reason: it’s the same emotional process as biological need.When emotion suddenly rises your brain confuses preferences anddesires with biological needs 4

        Here’s how it works: You don’t normally feel anything aboutbreathing until you have difficulty doing it. At that point emotionalintensity spikes to signal an imminent survival threat. Similarly younormally don’t feel anything when your partner is working on hiscomputer. But if you speak to him and he seems to ignore you youremotional intensity is likely to increase until the desire for his attentionseems to be a need for it. Instead of trying to engage your partner’sinterest because you desire it you’ll demand it because you“need” it or punish him for failing to meet your needs. Now which doyou think is more likely to get you the kind of attention you mostdesire from a loved one showing interest in him or demanding thathe “meet your needs?” 4

        “meet your needs?”The habit of interpreting preferences and desires as needs vastlyoversimplifies subjective experience. Emotional intensity can rise andfall for a great many reasons most of which have little psychologicalmeaning. For instance your current physiological state (hungry thirsty tired bloated sick agitated hormonal and so on) as well asthe time of day sudden changes in weather and the current state ofyour core value influence variations in emotional intensity to a greaterextent than most preferences or desires. If you’re starving exhausted sick freezing or depressed how loving appreciative communicative safe or secure can you feel? 4

        While the body contributes on a cellular level to addiction themind exclusively decides that we have an emotional need. The feelingcan become so powerful that it makes us believe we have holes withinus that someone else must fill. That’s a tragic—and false—assumptionthat almost always leads to bad relationships. No one has holeswithin only drives to create value. 5

      Big Holes Attract Small Cups 6

      • When “I Love You” Degenerates into “MeetMy Needs!” 6

        No matter how seductive “I need you” may sound in popularsongs the partner who “needs” you cannot freely love you 6

        Most ofthe painful conflicts of intimate relationships begin with one partnermaking an emotional request—motivated by a perceived “need”—thatthe other motivated by a different “need ” regards as a demand. 6

        The more one partner demands the less the other can give; the moreone pleads the farther away the other retreats. Both feel like victims.Indeed any disagreement can feel like abuse when the perceived“need” of one to be validated crashes headlong into the “need” of theother not to feel manipulated: 6

        “If you loved me ” one partner argues “you’d do what I want”(or “you’d see the world the way I do”). 6

        “If you loved me you wouldn’t try to control me ” the othercounters. 6

        “If you loved me you would do this.” 6

        “If you loved me you wouldn’t ask me to do that.” 6

        As long as you perceive yourself to have emotional needs that yourpartner must gratify your desire to love is reduced to “getting yourneeds met ” which your partner takes to mean that he has to give upwho he is to meet your needs.” 7

        If you believe you have holes within you will almost certainlyattract a partner with a small cup to fill them. Here’s why.For one thing people with big cups—that is people who have alot of love to give—don’t look for partners with big holes. They wantpartners who also have big cups who can give as much as they get ina relationship. But if I perceive myself to have a small cup or notmuch to give I’ll be attracted to someone who thinks she has bigholes because her “emotional needs” will inspire me to become herrescuer or hero or whatever idealization she projects. Of course Iwon’t be able to uphold the role of giver or rescuer for very long because it’s so unnatural for me and my small cup. Eventually I’llcondemn her for the very “needs” that first attracted me: “Nobodycould meet your needs; you’re insatiable!” 6

      Become the Partner You MostWant to Be 7

      • So how do you get what you want in intimate relationships? 7

        Think ofGandhi’s famous quote about being the change you wish to see in theworld. Due to the relationship dynamics known as positive reciprocityand negative reactivity (Margolin and Christensen 1981) people inintimate relationships tend to respond in kind to positive and negativeactions by their partners especially under stress 7

        Caring usuallyprompts caring: 7

        • “I feel bad that you’re hurt.” 7
        • “I feel bad that you’re hurt too.” 7

        Anger tends to create power struggles: 7

        • “You have to do what I want.” 7
        • “No you have to do what I want!” 7

        And resentment breeds resentment: 7

        • “I don’t care about your feelings but you must care about myfeelings.” 7
        • “Well I don’t care about your feelings either because you don’tcare about my feelings.” 7

      set point of happiness 8

      • Research has taught us that your best chance of being happy in anintimate relationship is to be happy before it starts. The data suggestthat there is a set point of happiness to which we tend to revert followingpositive and negative life experiences 8

        People can suffer great loss even cripplingaccidents or disease and within a couple of years rise to their level ofhappiness from before their misfortune. Similarly joyous events suchas getting married winning a lottery or getting a great job have apositive effect only for a year or so before we revert to our original setpoints of happiness. 8

        You can change your set point for happiness but the change hasto come from within not from marriage lotteries or success at work 8

      Your best chance of finding a partner you can be happy with is to behappy on your own. And the key to that happiness is to live accordingto your deepest values 8

      relationship surveys we use at CompassionPower we askpeople what kind of partners they would like to have and what kindof partners they would like to be 8

      In general people want to be loving compassionate supportive and sexy. They want their partners to bethose things too. But they also want them to be generous flexible and fair. 8

      Like it or not we have to develop the self-awareness to knowwhen we’re being the partners we most want to be. But it’s worth theeffort; it’s really the only chance of finding a safe intimaterelationship 9

      EXERCISE: What I Want in a Partner 9

      • On a sheet of paper list and describe the qualities you would like ina partner. Follow the example below but list the specific traits andbehaviors that are important to you 9

        I want my partner to be: 9

        • loving—to express affection engage in conversation rub myback 9

          compassionate—to care about how I feel offer help orcomfort make an effort to sympathize with me 9

          supportive—to notice when I need help or comfort helpme to think through problems encourage me to do my bestwithout criticism or lecturing 9

          sexy—to desire me find me attractive touch me the way Ilike look deeply into my eyes 9

          generous—to give freely of time energy spirit and availableresources 0

          flexible—to never make up his mind before we discuss it bewilling to entertain different perspectives accept my influence 0

          fair—to objectively consider whether a behavior or a requestis just and reasonable and ask my input about its fairnes 0

        THE PARTNER I WANT TO BECOME 0

        • Your best chance of getting the partner you most want to have is tobe the partner you most want to be. And your best chance of gettingwhat you want is to give it. So next list those same qualities again and after each one describe what you can do to give your partnerthe same things you want to receive. 0

          Chances are you wrote many of the same things on both lists. Ifyou use these lists as a guide for giving what you want to receive youwill feel more successful but not because your partner is certain torespond in kind. Although you’ll greatly increase the odds of a reciprocalresponse it’s never guaranteed. What is guaranteed is the inherentreward of doing what you believe is right. 0

        Teach Me How to Love You 0

        The worst thing you can do when starting a new relationship isbelieve that you know how to make intimate unions work 0

  • Chapter 13-Rebuilding a Relationship with Your Betrayer 6 –
    • Why I Want to Repair My Relationship 8 -227
      • 1. Love 8
        • a. How much do I love this person? 8
        • b. Is the bond between us a strong one or maintained byhabit convenience or coercion? 8
      • 2. Well-being of our children 8
        • a. How would it benefit our children if their parentsstayed together? 8
        • b. How might it harm them if their parents stayedtogether? 8
        • c. How would it benefit them if their parentsseparated? 8
        • d. How might it harm them if their parents separated? 8
      • 3. Finances 8 23
        • a. What is the financial advantage of repair? 8 23
        • b. What is the financial advantage of termination? 8 23
      • 4. Family and support network 8 23
        • a. How do my family and friends feel about repair? 8 23
        • b. How important (to me) are their feelings about repair? 8 23
      • 5. Shared history 8 23
        • a. How would repairing our relationship honor ourshared history 8 23
        • b. How might separation honor our shared history? 8 23
      • 6. Respect 8 529
        • a. Is my partner a fundamentally good and loving person? 8 529

      Become Clear on What You Want 0 –

      What form would it take? 2

      To enhance your sense of authentic conviction it’s best to becomeclear in your own mind about what you want from your partner beforeyou try to convey what he has to do to repair 0 116

      2 Points – repair betrayed relationships 0 116

      • 1. you mustlook deep within your heart to decide what you want from your partner 0 116
        • There will be contradictory impulses but those are usually moresuperficial and can be resolved on the level of core value—what ismost important and most meaningful to you. 0 310

        2. your partnershould make every effort to comply with whatever you decide youwant him to do to repair your relationship 0 116

        • He must understand thatcompassion isn’t giving what he wants to give; compassion is givingwhat will help you reinvest in a loving relationship. 0 310

      WHAT I WANT FROM MY PARTNER 1

      • Do I want my partner to grasp the full extent of my hurt? 1
        • If so what will my partner’s full understanding of my hurt dofor me? 1
        • If my partner grasps the full extent of my hurt I will be more(check all that apply): 1
          • loving 1
          • affectionate 1
          • compassionate 1
          • flexible 1
          • fair 1
          • generous 1
      • Do I want my partner to answer detailed questions aboutthe betrayal? 1
        • If so what are the questions I would like answered? 1
        • If my partner fully and honestly answers all my questions I willbe more (check all that apply): 1
          • loving 1
          • affectionate 1
          • compassionate 2
          • flexible 2
          • fair 2
          • generous 2
      • Do I want atonement or penance from my partner? 2
        • If so what kind of atonement or penance would I like? 2
      • Do I want my partner to suffer as I have suffered? 2
        • If so what will her suffering do for me? 2
        • If my partner suffers as I have suffered I will be more (checkall that apply): 2

      What Your Partner Cannot Do 3

      • heal you 3
      • make you trust her 3
        • (She must be trustworthy but yourtrust must come from your own healing and will probablytake a long time.) 3
      • resolve your resentment 3

      What Your Partner Must Not Do 4 3

      • ask you to heal him 4 3

        ask you to trust or forgive her (Such a request indicates alack of understanding of the healing process and putsunfair pressure on you to compensate for her mistakes.) 4 3

        tell you to “get over it” or “stop living in the past” (Thiskind of command indicates a lack of sufficientcompassion.) 4 3

      What Your Partner Must Do: 4 93

      • value and appreciate you—show that you’re an importantpart of his life 4 23
      • respect you as an equal—listen to you without trying tocontrol you or dismiss your opinions 4 23
      • regulate her guilt shame anxiety resentment and anger without blaming them on you 4 23
      • show compassion—care how you feel especially whenyou disagree 4 23
      • support you emotionally 4 23
      • support you in trying to meet your goals 4 23
      • try to earn your trust over time 4 23
      • make compensatory repair 4 23
      • guarantee your safety 4 23

      Show Compassion 5 -187

      • disagreement about “facts” is a majorblock to the compassion necessary to repair a damaged relationship 5 -187

        Many people have difficulty showing compassion when they disagreewith a partner’s perspective. This is unfortunate because compassionis most necessary when there is disagreement 5 -187

      Support vs. Control 5 3

      • Control Implies the Following 6 3
        • Your perspectives and opinions aren’t valid relevant orimportant 6 -31
        • You are not smart or creative enough to decide things onyour own 6 -31
        • You have to be told what to do and criticized or rejected ifyou don’t do it 6 -31
      • Support respects 6 -31
        • your perspective and opinions even when you disagree 6 -31
        • your competence intelligence creativity and resourcefulness 6 -31
        • teamwork in exploring the best course of action 6 -31

      Earn Trust over Time 6 190

      • The betraying partner deserves compassion unconditionally buttrust must be earned. 6 190

        She must show willingness to comply withwhatever you in good faith from your core value require to feel safein the relationship. 6 190

        She should be patient and sensitive to the enormousdifficulty of rebuilding trust and not pressure you to renew itbefore you are ready. 6 190

      Make Compensatory Repair 6 481

      • emotional healing occurswhen the brain associates restorative images with painful memories so that recurrence of the painful memories automatically invokes therestorative images. 6

        Your partner can use this principle to make compensatoryrepair—that is to supply you with restorative images 7 -18

      Guarantee Your Safety 9 562

      Epilogue-Healing Repair Forgiveness

  • Chapter 14-The Compassionate Repair Process
    • Time Dimensions of Repair 304
      • Couples struggling to repair betrayed relationships are sometimesmisled by short-term “honeymoons” of reconnection 9

        The great challengein repair is not feeling the attachment emotions of interest trust compassion and love at any point in time; it’s sustaining them over thelong run. 9

        Doubt and anxiety inevitably undermine honeymoons andthe ability to sustain the attachment emotions 9

        It’s best to rebuild slowly on a solid foundation that can withstand occasional bouts ofdoubt and anxiety 3 7

    • Relationship Cycles 4 –
      • The notion of relationship cycles came into public awareness inthe 1980s when the “cycle of violence” gained currency in the popularpress. 4 133
    • 4 Stages “cycle of violence” 4 133
      • 1. tension between the partners builds 4 133
      • 2. climaxing in a violentincident 4 133
      • 3. followed by the remorse and honeymoon phase 4 133
      • 4. the couple feels closer for a while 4 133
    • Nonabusive relationships 4
      • partners often form habits of drifting apart 4
      • occurrence of exceptional distress such as illness problemsat work 4
      • quarrels with friends or neighbors 4
      • trouble with the children 4
      • death in the family 4
      • conflicts with members of either partner’s familyof origin. 4
      • periods of distress bring the partners closer for atime 4
      • habit-ridden routine resumes control of the relationship 4 27
    • Typical Relationship Cycle 5 1
      • Routine 5
      • Stress 5
      • Distress 5
      • Closeness 5
    • Duration of the Cycle 5 384
      • The length of the repair process is determined in part by theduration of past relationship cycles particularly the average length ofthe intervals between each stage within the cycle. Typically the “distance”and “routine” stages get longer with time while the others staymore or less the same. 5 384
    • Repair Cycles 6 201
      • Routine 6 29
      • Stress 6 29
      • Disctress Compassion 6 29
      • More Compassion 6 29
    • Compassion vs. Trust 7 –
      • The best way to approach trust in a betrayed relationship is to forgetabout it until you have time to make decisions based on wise trust 7 93

        right—it’s best to put trust on the back burner for a while 7 93

        Merely attempting to trust while you’re still hurt raises fear andanxiety exponentially undermining all attempts to trust. 7 93

        Lastingtrust is not a goal so much as a by-product of enhanced core value. 7 93

        Focus first on self-compassion and then on compassion for eachother and you’ll find that trust will sneak up on you in its owngood time provided your partner behaves honestly and compassionately—in other words proves trustworthy. 7 93

        You’ll wake up one day many months from now and realize that you trust your partneragain. 7 93

        Wise trust in a betrayed intimate relationship cannot be expectedto return fully until self-compassion and core value have grown largerthan the fear of being hurt again 8

        At that point your unconscious willhave made a judgment about the probability of betrayed trust. Inother words trust will have snuck up on you. Until then follow theadvice of a wise politician: Trust but verify 8

    • The Compassionate Repair Process 8 250
      • What will it take for you to feel safe in opening your heart again? 8 250

        The compassionate repair process should begin with you thebetrayed partner presenting a list of behaviors that will help you feelsafe 8 250

    • Compassionate Commitment 9 1
      • Because I care about you and our relationship I will make asupreme effort to be compassionate to you 9

        I will recognize that when I feel resentful or angry I’mreally hurt anxious or uncomfortable and that you aremost likely hurt anxious or uncomfortable too. 9 93

        I will care when you are hurt anxious or uncomfortable 9 93

        I will try hard to heal my hurt regulate my anxiety andimprove my discomfort and I will support your efforts todo the same 9 93

        I will always tell you the truth and be honest with you inevery way. 9 93

        I will always treat you with value and respect even whenI disagree with you or do not like your behavior 9 93

        I will always appreciate the unique qualities you bring toour relationship 9 190

        I will not criticize or ignore you 9 335

        I will not try to control manipulate coerce threaten orintimidate you or purposely make you feel bad in any way. 9 335

        I will try hard to discover and correct the blind spots ofmy behavior 9 335

        I will try hard to understand your perspective and sympathizewith your feelings especially when I disagree with you 9 529

        I will stay true to my deepest values and try hard to be thebest person and partner I can be 9 529

    • The Secret of Recovery 3 185
  • Chapter 15-The Reconnection Dilemma 0 -2
    • Deciding that you want to rebuild your relationship with the partnerwho betrayed you settles only half your dilemma. You still have todetermine the level of emotional reconnection you want to pursue 0

      attachment theory 0 361

      • a way of understanding how emotionalbonds are formed early in life and to a lesser extent how they aremaintained in adulthood. 0 361

        The word attachment aptly describes theeffects of intimate relationships on our minds and bodies. It feels likeour lovers are literally attached to us like we’ve “got them under ourskin.” 0 361

        When betrayal tears a couple apart it’s as if a portion of theirflesh is ripped away 0 361

      Attitude of Connection 1

      • Part belief and part emotion attitudes are evaluations based onpersonal values or preferences 1

        If your goal is to repair a damagedrelationship it’s advisable to base your attitudes on how much youvalue a connection with your partner over the long run rather thanhow you feel about her at the moment. 1

      Elements of Connection Attitudes 2

      • Focus on the relationship you want 2
        • Recovery will bog down if you become preoccupied with thoughtsof how the relationship has deteriorated or with speculation aboutpossible causes of the betrayal 2 289

          It’s much more productive to focus onwhat you want your relationship to be in the future than what it wasin the past. 2 289

          the humanbrain tends to replay past hurts as long as there is fear of similar hurtin the future. Don’t blame yourself for these thoughts but try not toindulge them. Be patient with yourself in the process and keep focusedon your deepest values 2 289

      • Regard yourself as connected 2
        • Connection is essentially a mental state and a choice. You chooseto be connected and you choose to be disconnected. Constructivechange in behavior is more likely when it’s encouraged by an attitudeof connection rather than discouraged by attitudes of disconnection which are usually fueled by anger disgust or shame 3 –
      • Behave as if you’re connected 2
        • A tried and true behavioral therapy technique is behaving as if thechange you want has already occurred. Think of how many timesyou’ve heard someone say for instance “When I feel better I’ll start to exercise.” Almost always people feel better after they start to exerciseand not before. 3 591

          Behavior change tends to change feelings moreoften than the other way around 4

      • Use binocular vision 2
        • Binocular vision is the ability to see your partner’s perspectivealongside your own and to see yourself through your partner’s eyes 5

          see your relationship through two perspectives at once 5

          To appreciate the importance of seeing your partner’s point ofview while maintaining your own compare monocular with binocularvision. Looking through one eye (monocular vision) cuts your cone ofvision in half 5

      • Practice tolerance 2
        • Tolerance in intimate relationships is the ability to accept yourpartner’s opinions emotional states and behaviors when they differfrom yours 9 -105

          The high emotional reactivity that typically follows intimatebetrayal tends to make partners particularly intolerant of anykind of negative emotions in each other. 9 -105

          Tolerance of differences is integral to negotiation about specificbehaviors. Without tolerance negotiation can easily deteriorate intopleading demanding or coercing 9 -105

      • Root your connection in common values 2
        • Deep connection is not based on shared preferences of what youlike and enjoy. Rather it’s based on shared values

          Common interestsoften attract people but common values sustain relationships

          A couplewhose connection is based on common interests without commonvalues will likely become competitive in their interests

          (Instead ofhiking together because they value each other’s company and wellbeing they will want to see who can hike longer or faster.)

      • Build lifelines 2
        • Build LifelinesLike the lines that astronauts use to keep attached to their spacevehicles emotional lifelines provide maximum movement whileproviding lifesaving connection. As a relationship metaphor lifelineskeep us anchored to what matters most 54
      • Establish routine rituals of connection 2
        • Recovery from intimate betrayal depends on routine connection.Small gestures of connection built into your daily routine do wondersto create a stable attitude of connection. 1

          I have found that change in my clients’ behavior becomes permanentwhen connective behaviors are small enough to fit into a dailyroutine

      • 4 Steps – Power Love Formula
        • Step one: make importance gestures
        • Step two: hug six times a day
        • Step three: indulge positive thoughts about your relationship 96
        • Step four: make a contract

      Healing Repair Forgiveness

      Facts about Forgiveness

      • You can forgive someone who has betrayed you without resuming arelationship

        And if you decide to resume it forgiveness—as an intentionalact—is unnecessary to repair it.

        Forgiveness does not mean condoning or excusing bad behavior

        It does not relieve the offender of responsibility or accountability forthe offense. If you want to repair the relationship forgiveness doesnot relieve your partner of having to earn back your trust throughconsistent reparative and trustworthy behavior

        Forgiveness requires regulating the impulse to punish resent orcarry a grudge. In recognition of the harm inflicted on the self by actingon the impulse to punish resent or bear grudges forgivenessbecomes an issue of personal health and well-being 105

        Your decision toforgive should be based on what is best for your health andwell-being 105

      2 Functions of Forgiveness

      • 1. religious or spiritual
        • the betrayer who needs to cleanse his soul through consistent reparative and compassionate behavior. Thebetrayed needs to heal grow learn and develop more viable defenses but she doesn’t need to “cleanse the soul” for having been betrayed. 6
      • 2. relationship detachment
        • In the psychological sense most relevant to intimate relationships detachment from an emotional bond occurs at the point whereyou become able think about your former lover without significantpositive or negative emotion. In other words you’re “over it.” Thatkind of forgiveness is described as bringing “peace.” Unfortunately detachment through forgiveness is rare. 6

      disgust

      • The literal meaning of disgust is to throw up an ingestedsubstance the body perceives as harmful
      • is a good metaphorfor attachment that goes bad
      • We get the former beloved “out of us ”like milk gone sour through disgust.

      6. common detachment process

      • 1. being dumped betrayal
      • 2. period of intense grief
      • 3. resentment
      • 4. contempt
      • 5. disgust
      • 6. relief

      secret of forgiveness 23

      • The secret of forgiveness regardless of whether you want to use itas a method of detachment or as a way to fortify your relationshipafter repair is to focus not on the offensive behavior but on freeingyourself of the emotional pain you experienced as a result of thebehavior 23

        The most severe aspect of emotional pain is the sense of powerlessnessit engenders. Intentional forgiveness helps you take backpower over your emotional life 23

        Example: “I forgive you forreminding me that I sometimes feel devalued inadequate and unlovable.I know that I am valuable and worthy of love because I value andlove others. Whenever I think of how you hurt me I will value someoneor something and show love to a significant person in my life andthat will remind me of how valuable and lovable I truly am.” 23

  • Final Point 0
    • Virginia Satir (1983) compared life to a gardenwith rocks and flowers 0

      We can’t do much about the rocks of life—whether people lie to us cheat on us steal from us hurt us or otherwisebetray us. If we focus on the rocks life will be bleak and forlorn.But we can always plant more flowers (create more value). The moreflowers we grow the less important the rocks are and the moreenriched life becomes. The human psyche heals itself by plantingmore flowers. 0

  • Compiled By:
    • blindcaveman.wordpress.com
    • Rigel Arcayan

MindMap-BookSummary-HowToWinFriends

MindMap-BookSummary-HowToWinFriends

  • About The Book
    • Title: How To Win Friend and Influence People
    • Author: Dale Carnegie
    • ISBN: 978-067-1027032
  • A. BECOME A FRIENDLIER PERSON
    • 1. Don’t criticize, condemn or complain.
    • 2. Give honest, sincere appreciation.
    • 3. Arouse in the other person an eager want.
    • 4. Become genuinely interested in other people.
    • 5. Smile.
    • 6.  Remember that a person’s name is to that person the most important sound in any language.
    • 7.  Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves.
    • 8.  Talk in terms of the other person’s interest.
    • 9.  Make the other person feel important – and do so sincerely.
    • 10 The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it.
  • B. WIN PEOPLE TO YOUR WAY OF THINKING
    • 11.  Show respect for the other person’s opinions. Never say, “You’re wrong.”
    • 12.  If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically.
    • 13.  Begin in a friendly way.
    • 14.  Get the other person saying, “Yes, yes” immediately.
    • 15.  Let the other person do a great deal of the talking.
    • 16.  Let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers.
    • 17.  Try honestly to see things from the other person’s point of view.
    • 18.  Be sympathetic with the other person’s ideas and desires.
    • 19.  Appeal to the nobler motives.
    • 20.  Dramatize your ideas.
  • C. BE A LEADER
    • 21.  Throw down a challenge.
    • 22.  Begin with praise and honest appreciation.
    • 23.  Call attention to people’s mistakes indirectly.
    • 24.  Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person.
    • 25.  Ask questions instead of giving direct orders.
    • 26.  Let the other person save face.
    • 27.  Praise the slightest and every improvement. Be “lavish in your praise.”
    • 28.  Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to.
    • 29.  Use encouragement. Make the fault seem easy to correct.
    • 30.  Make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest
  • Compiled By:
    • blindcaveman.wordpress.com
    • Rigel Arcayan

MindMap-BookSummary-How to be a star at work

MindMap-BookSummary-How to be a star at work

  • About The Book
    • Title: How To Be A Star AtWork
    • Author: Robert E. Kelley
    • ISBN: 0-8129-3169-6
  • l. Do your work differenty
    • Star performers do their work very differently than the solid, average-performing pack.
    • 1. Initiative
      • 1. Includes
        • 1. Seek out responsibility above and beyond the expected job description
        • 2. Undertake extra efforts for the benefit of coworkers or the larger group
        • 3. Stick tenaciously to an idea or project and follow it through to successful implmentation
        • 4. Willingly assume some personal risk in taking on new responsibilities
      • 2. Steps
        • 1. Do your current work well
        • 2. Follow the initiative value trail: Who benefits?
        • 3. Stay close to the critical path
        • 4. Choose higher-level initiatives
        • 5. Determine the probability of success and the cost of failuer
  • 2. Knowing Who Knows
    • Proactively developing dependable pathways to knowledge experts who can help complete critical path tasks; share knowledge; minimize knowledge deficit

      1. Supporting Factors

      • 1. Knowledge itself
      • 2. Organizational support
      • 3. Technical/physical environment

      2. Eight Network Nodes

      • 1. Mental models of networking: understand different ideas of how the network is supposed to work

        2. Weed and seed: choose trading partners, identifying knowledge givers

        3. Proactive one-way trading: get network in place before you need it

        4. Networking etiquette on the critical path: small courtesies and considerations are critical

        5. Do your homework

        • 1. do a quick self-study on as much of the general subject area as possible
        • 2. summarize attempts to solve the problem or find elusive information
        • 3. spend time forming the right question
        • 4. link the problem to a discipline or an area of interest that intrigues the expert

        6. Credit lavishly: follow up with a note of thanks & make sure public credit is given for contributions

        7. Benefits of newness: new employees trying to break into an established network for the first time are given much consideration

        8. Be a good network citizen: the network is also about giving

  • 3. Managing YourWhole Life at Work
    • develop a portfolio of talents and work experiences so that value to the company increases; know your strengths and weaknesses

      1. Lessons

      • 1. Know yourself well.

        2. Know the kind of work you do best and that you want to do.

        3. Take control of your own career path by developing a plan to connect yourself to the work you enjoy most and to connect that work to the company’s critical path.

      2. Adopt a system that helps you:

      • 1. plan the entire project
      • 2. schedule your time
      • 3. keep track of your progress
      • 4. store and retrieve important information
      • 5. tip you off to potential crises
      • 6. provide for a backup plan if problems arise
      • 7. communicate your progress and results to important others — customers, bosses, coworkers

      3. Core self-management skills

      • 1. find out what the critical path is for the organization and get on it by learning how to add value

        2. choose work that can leverage themselves, their talents, get into flow, and experience job satisfaction

        3. regularly review their personal productivity and devise ways to increase personal effectiveness and efficiency

        4. borrow shamelessly–techniques and methods for better self-management; careful observers

        5. don’t fear experimentation; try new approaches

        6. make compelling case to management for changing job description and regulations that limit productivity

        7. adopt behaviors that allow minimization of interruptions with separating from the group

        8. work to avoid time-killer crises by planning for problems–building mistakerecovery time into the projects; write up personal damage-control plan

        9. develop procrastination-busting work habits–to-do lists, priority plans, building enjoyable assignments around drudge tasks

        10. learn to accept occasional unproductive days, even weeks of slump

        11. know personal productivity patterns

  • 5. Followership
    • be actively engaged in helping the organization succeed while exercising independent, critical judgment of goals, tasks, and methods; work cooperatively even through differences
  • 4. Getting the Big Picture
    • see in a larger context and through the eyes of the critical others
  • 6. Small-L Leadership in a Big-LWorld
    • employs expertise and influence to convince a group of people to come together and accomplish a task; help create vision, create trust, find resources, shepherd completion
  • 7. Teamwork
    • taking joint “ownership” of goal setting, activities, and accomplishments; help build team, deal with conflict, and solve problems
  • 8. Organizational Savvy
    • navigate competing interests to promote cooperation, address conflicts, and get things done; communicate with individuals and groups; avoid conflicts; make allies out of enemies
  • 9. Show-and-Tell
    • selecting information to pass along, developing effective format for persuading a specific audience; selecting the right message for an audience or vice versa
  • 10. Become a Star Performer
    • 1. Core
      • 1. Initiative
      • 2. Cognitive Ability
      • 3. Technical Competence
    • 2. 2nd Layer
      • 1. Self-Management
      • 2. Networking
    • 3. 3rd Layer
      • 1. Followership
      • 2. Leadership
      • 3. Teamwork
      • 4. Perspective
    • 4. 4th Layer
      • 1. Organizational Savvy
      • 2. Show-and-Tell
  • Compiled By:
    • blindcaveman.wordpress.com
    • Rigel Arcayan

MindMap-BookSummary-FifthDiscipline

MindMap-BookSummary-FifthDiscipline

  • About The Fifth Discipline
    • Author: Peter M. Senge
    • Released: August 1990
    • ISBN: 0-385-26094-6
  • Introduction:
    • Fifth Discipline’s central idea is drawn for the argument that we are the creators of our own destiny and we have the power to influence our destiny. Senge’s explanation about seven learning disabilities and why an organization fails:
  • The Five Discipline:
    • 1. Personal mastery
      • establishing personal vision,
      • focusing energy
      • seeing reality objectively
      • developing patience
      • clarifying things that really matters to us
      • living our lives in the service of our highest aspiration.
    • 2. Shared vision
      • transforming individual vision into shared vision
    • 3. Mental models
      • unearthing internal pictures and understanding how they shape actions
    • 4. Team learning
      • suspending judgments and creating dialogue
    • 5. Systems thinking
      • combining the four learning disciplines; from seeing the parts to seeing wholes
  • Give Me a Lever Long Enough
    • Give me a lever long enough … and single-handed I can move the worldFragmentation of the whole-makes complex tasks manageable but lost connection to a larger whole

      We fail to see the larger picture

      Fifth Discipline Tools and Ideas-to destroy the illusion that the world is created of separate unrelated forces

      Learning Organization-Organization where people continually expand their capacity to create the results they truly desire, where new and expansive patterns of thinking are nurtured, where collective aspiration is set free, and where people are continually learning how to lean together.

      Learning Organization-the ability  to learn faster than your competitors

      Learning Organization-an organization that discover how to tap people’s commitment and capacity to learn at all levels in an organization

      The team that became great did not start off great-it learned how to produce extraordinary results

      Why can’t we do good works at work?

      Idea to Innovation-the idea becomes an innovation only when it can be replicated on a meaning scale at practical cost.

      Systems Thinking-Whole Thinking, each part has an influence on the rest, an influence that is usually hidden from view

      Business and human endeavors are also systems. Understand the systemthen we can understand the problem.

      Personal Mastery-special level of proficiency

      Personal mastery-able to consistently realize the results that matter most deeplyapproach life as work of artcommitted to own lifelong learning

  • Personal Mastery:
    • Essential cornerstone of the learning organizationthe spiritual foundation
    • 1. Discipline of continually clarifying and deepening personal vision
    • 2. Focusing on Energy
    • 3. Developing Patience
    • 4. Seeing reality objectively
  • Steps to Personal Mastery
    • 1. Clarify the things that really matters to us
    • 2. Live a life in service in our highest aspiration
    • 2 Does Your Organization Has Learning Disability
    • 3 Prisoners of the System or Own Thinking
    • 4 The Laws of Fifth Discipline
    • 5 A Shift of Mind
    • 6 Natures Template
    • 7 Principle of Leverage
    • 8 The Art of Seeing the Forest and the Trees
    • 9 Personal Mastery
    • 10 Mental Models
    • 11 Shared Vision
    • 12 Team Learning
    • 13 Openness
    • 14 Localness
    • 15 A Manager’s Time
    • 16 Ending the War between Work and Family
    • 17 Microworlds- The Technology of the Learning Organization
    • 18 The Leader’s New Work
    • 19 A Sixth Discipline
    • 20 Rewriting the Code
  • The Invisible Whole
    • 5th Discipline
    • Personal Mastery
    • Mental Models
    • Shared Vision
    • Team Learning
    • Systems Thinking
  • Personal Mastery
    • 1. Personal mastery is a discipline of continually clarifying and deepening our personal vision, of focusing our energies, of developing patience, and of seeing reality objectively.” (p. 7)2. Mental models are deeply ingrained assumptions, generalizations, or even pictures of images that influence how we understand the world and how we take action.”

      3. Building shared vision a practice of unearthing shared pictures of the future that foster genuine commitment and enrollment rather than compliance.” (p. 9)

      4. Team learning starts with dialogue, the capacity of members of a team to suspend assumptions and enter into genuine thinking together.” (p. 10)

      5. Systems thinking – The Fifth Discipline that integrates the other 4.

  • Systems Thinking:
    • “Systems thinking also needs the disciplines of building shared vision, mental models, team learning, and personal mastery to realize its potential. Building shared vision fosters a commitment to the long term. Mental models focus on the openness needed to unearth shortcomings in our present ways of seeing the world. Team learning develops the skills of groups of people to look for the larger picture beyond individual perspectives. And personal mastery fosters the personal motivation to continually learn how our actions affect our world.” (p. 12)
  • The Learning Disabilities
    • 1) “I am my position.”
      • People fail to recognize their purpose as a part of the enterprise. Instead, they see themselves as an inconsequential part of a system over which they have little influence, leading them to limit themselves to the jobs they must perform at their own positions. This makes it hard to pinpoint the reason an enterprise is failing, with so many hidden ‘loose screws’ around.
    • 2) “The enemy out there.”
    • 3) The Illusion of Taking Charge
    • 4) The Fixation of Events
      • The tendency to see things as results of short-term events undermines our ability to see things on a grander scale. Cave men needed to react to events quickly for survival. However, the biggest threats we face nowadays are rarely sudden events, but slow, gradual processes, such as environmental changes.
    • 5) The Parable of the Boiling frog
    • 6) The Delusion of Learning from Experience
    • 7) The Myth of the Management Team
  • The 11 Laws of the Fifth Discipline
    • 1) Today’s problems come from yesterday’s “solutions.”2) The harder you push, the harder the system pushes back.

      3) Behavior will grow better before it grows worse.

      5) The cure can be worse than the disease.

      4) The easy way out usually leads back in.

      6) Faster is slower.

      7) Cause and effect are not closely related in time and space.

      8) Small changes can produce big results…but the areas of highest leverage are often the least obvious.

      9) You can have your cake and eat it too —but not all at once.

      10) Dividing an elephant in half does not produce two small elephants.

      11) There is no blame.

  • Compiled By:
    • Rigel Arcayan
    • blindcaveman.wordpress.com

Mindmap-Book Summary-GottmanResearchMaritalInteraction

Mindmap-Book Summary-GottmanResearchMaritalInteraction

  • About Gottman Research
    • Date Read: April 15,2016
    • Author: John Gottman
    • ISBN:
    • 85 pages
    • MyRating: 5 Stars
  • A-Gottman-Dysfunctional Marital Conflict
    • Notes

      Two sets of hypotheses were tested.

      • One hypothesis was derived from a traditional personality theory model that would predict consistency in behavioracross the two settings.

        The other hypothesis was derived from Wile’ssuggestion that conflict is the result of unspoken interactions

      two points of maximum divorce potential

      • one in approximately 5 years after the wedding
      • one approximately years after the wedding

      Two different modes or patterns of time

      • marital interaction during aconflict discussion predicted early versus later divorcing

        A high conflict“attack-defend” mode (with affects like criticism anger contempt belligerence and defensiveness) predicted early divorcing whereas a “withdrawing” mode (with withdrawal negative affectssuch as sadness disgust and listener withdrawal or “stonewalling”) perhaps indicative of emotional disengagement predicted later divorcing.

        Higher levels of time positive affect during the conflict discussionpredicted marital stability

      moments of reciprocal self-disclosure would be the mostimportant units of intimacy

      9 bids for “emotional connection”

      • “turning toward ”
        • reacting in an appropriate connectedfashion as examples or “turning toward” (with various levels of enthusiasm
      • “turning away”
        • The “turning” responses could involve ignoring the partner as oneexample of “turning away ”
        • three types ofTurning Away
          • Preoccupied
          • Interrupt
          • Disregard
      • “turningagainst”
        • varying from a grunt of acknowledgment to an excited eager wholehearted response) or from an irritable to a hostile response (example:“Please I am trying to read.”) we called “turning against.”
      • 1. bid fortheir partner’s attention
        • (example: “There’s a pretty boat”); next on ourhierarchy was bidding for their partner’s interest (requiring a more energeticresponse; example: “Didn’t your dad sail on a boat just likethat?”);
      • 2. bid for their partner’s interest
        • (requiring a more energeticresponse; example: “Didn’t your dad sail on a boat just likethat?”)
      • 3. bid for enthusiastic engagement
        • (example: “Hey witha boat like that we could sail around the world”);
      • 4. bid for extended conversation
        • (example: “Have you called your brother lately? He seemed real down to me last time we talked.”)
      • 5. bid for play
        • (example:rolls up newspaper and bops partner lightly on the head saying “There. I’ve been meaning to do that all day.”);
      • 6. bid for humor –
        • (example: “A guy goes into a psychiatrist with a chicken on his head.”); –
      • 7. bid for affection –
        • (example: most examples were nonverbal butsome were verbal as in “I need a hug.”); –
      • 8. bid for emotional support –
        • (example: “I still can’t understand why I got fired from that job.”); –
      • 9. bid for self disclosure –
        • (example: “What kind of bread did you enjoyeating at home growing up?”) –

      Hypotheses-Two Perpectives

      • 1. one set of hypotheses consistentwith a traditional personality theory approach

        2. one set of hypothesisconsistent with Wile’s (1 3) suggestions that a great deal of maritalconflict may be a result of the conversation the couple never had butneeded to have

      A traditional personality theory approach

      A traditional personality theory approach would predict consistencyacross context to similar marital interactions within each spouse. In particularit would predict that

      • (1) each partner’s turning away codes willbe related to that partner’s withdrawal mode during conflict interaction

        (2) each partner’s turning against codes will be related to that partner’sattack-defend mode during conflict interaction.

      Wile’s (1 3) approach

      • Wile’s (1 3) approach argues for a more complexrelationship between everyday interaction and conflict interaction

        Wile suggested that in everyday interaction people try to have intimateinteractions in various ways and then when these attempts at intimacyfail they generate various forms of marital conflict.

        He suggested thatthe form the conflict takes can either be a collaborative mode (characterizedby self-disclosure and positive affect) or an attack-defend mode(characterized by anger blaming criticism and subsequent defensive-ness) or an avoiding-withdrawal mode (characterized by avoiding conflict in various ways like stonewalling).

        The turning away pattern ineveryday interaction communicates to the bidder “Go away. I am notavailable to respond to your needs ” and this pattern should generate angerand resentment in the bidder thus leading to the attack-defendmode. 4 –

      5 positive codes

      • interest
      • validation
      • affection
      • humor
      • joy
      • 10 negative affect codes
        • disgust
        • contempt
        • belligerence
        • domineering
        • anger
        • fear tension
        • defensiveness
        • whining
        • sadness
        • stonewalling

      Domineering and belligerenceemerged from our previous research on spouse abuse as codeshaving an opposite function

      belligerence was a provocativecode that tended to result in negative affect from the partner (example:“What are you gonna do about it if I go drinking with Dave? Nothingyou can do?” resulted in “That is the typical irresponsible behavior I’vecome to expect from you”)

      domineering (a more controlled persistent form of persuasion perhaps with some potential threat behind it) tended to result in a “squelch the partner” pattern in which the partner backed down and decreased confrontation and negative affect. 6

      in a purelyspeculative manner we might suggest that turning away from bids mayhave serious consequences particularly the husband’s turning away. Itmay be related to his wife’s using the attack-defend mode during conflictdiscussions; this in turn may be related to the husband’s attack-defendmode during conflict

      Turning against bids for connection which suggests an irritable response once again particularly the husband’s turning against his wife’sbids for connection may be related to his own withdrawal from interactionduring conflict discussions; this in turn in our data was related tohis wife’s withdrawal during conflict discussions.

      The data suggest that husbands significantly exceed wives inboth turning away and turning against. We have suggested elsewhere(Gottman & Levenson ) that some forms of physiological arousalmay be more difficult for men than for women to regulate. And recentlyGottman Coan Swanson and Carrère (1 8) reported evidence that thephysiological soothing of the husband (but not of the wife) predicted maritalstability 28

      Perhaps husbands inadvertently regulate the amount andtype of intimacy in everyday marital interaction as an indirect means ofregulating conflict. We would expect different levels of physiological reactivityfor husbands who typically turn toward away or against 28

      Husbandswho turn toward should be the least physiologically reactive; thosewho turn away should be next in reactivity and those who turn againstshould be the most reactive physiologically. 28

      Wile’s ideas

      • First in Wile’s work a clinician derives the conversationthe couple needed to have but did not have solely from the content of theirconflict interaction.

        the couple needed to talk about thestresses of their days and each receive emotional support. The wifeneeded to do this immediately upon reunion after the husband returnedfrom work but the husband wanted a brief cooling down period. Insteadof metacommunicating about this they had a fight. The content of thefight provided leads as to what they needed to do to avoid the fight

        data suggest that the place to look for the conversation theyneeded to have but did not have is in their everyday failed bids for emotionalconnection. This means that clinically we are suggesting that thetherapist specifically look with the couple at failed bids for emotional connectionthat happened during the week as well as conflicts that are upsettingto the couple. This suggests a therapeutic focus beyond the conflict context 4

        Second these results suggest that the two dysfunctional modes of maritalconflict attack-defend and withdraw which are predictive of earlierand later divorcing respectively may have a basis in specific forms offailed bids everyday interactions in which couple’s are seeking emotionalconnection with one another. 4

        Third and this follows from our previous point these data suggest thatperhaps some marital conflict may be changed merely by changing theway couples make bids and or the way they respond to them 2

        Of course an experiment is required to test these hypotheses. However in our clinicalwork these results have become helpful in working on the friendship acouple has and in knowing how to help people build that friendship. Thebids and turning unit can help people become more attentive and mindfulto this mundane part their everyday relationship to the everyday timeswhen they are just “hanging out ” when nothing important seems to behappening but when actually very important things are happening. 29

        It isour clinical experience that failed bids for connection and subsequentloneliness are amajor source of marital conflict. Just helping a couple becomemindful of these moments and investigating the “anatomies” ofbidding and turning can provide insight that is capable of changing thenature of marital intimacy and the nature of conflict interactions as well. 29

  • B-Gottman-Marital Interaction-Paper
  • C Types of Marriage
    • Five Types of Marriage
      • 1. “Vitalized” couples ( %)reported high relationship quality on all dimensions.

        2.“Harmonious” Couples( %) had relatively high relationship quality.

        3. “Traditional” couples ( %)had scores that were slightly above average with markedly higher scores onparenting and religious scales.

        4. “Conflicted” couples (25%) werecharacterized by moderately low scores on all but the roles scale.

        5 “Devitalized” group ( %) had the lowest scores on every ENRICHdimension.

    • Descriptions of 5 Types of Marriage 5
      • 1. Devitalized Couples 5
        • These couples had the lowest scores on all of the ENRICHscales. 5

          These couples seemed to be pervasively dissatisfied with their marriages 5

          This was also the largest group most likely due to the fact that many of the couples in thesample completed the inventory as part of marital therapy or enrichment. 5

          The individualsin these couples tended to be younger less educated have lower status occupations andincomes and husbands had two jobs more frequently. 5

          The couples were also married fora shorter period of time they had a shorter acquaintance prior to marriage and had ahigher incidence of racial and religious heterogamy. 5

          These characteristics are commonlyassociated with lower marital satisfaction. The external validity of this couple type wasconfirmed in that both partners in a majority of the couples had considered divorce andwere dissatisfied overall. 5

          they were twice as likely to be separated as the conflicted group and times more likely to be separated than the other couple types 6

          one in five of the partners had been previously divorced 6

      • 2. Conflicted Couples 6 –
        • This group had moderately low scores overall with relativelygreater consensus on having egalitarian roles and making religion an important part oftheir relationship 6 –

          Their lowest scores were on marital relationship scales reflectingdifficulties in communication and resolving conflict 6 –

          These couples weredemographically similar to the devitalized couples with less education lower income andjob status and more religious heterogamy than expected by chance. 6 –

          They also tended tobe younger and to be married more recently 6 –

          The external validity of this moderatelydissatisfied cluster was supported in that in a plurality of the couples both partners hadconsidered divorce and were dissatisfied with their marriages overall but they were nomore likely to be separated or previously divorced than the overall sample. 6 –

      • 3. Traditional Couples 6 3
        • The profile for traditional couples is characterized byscores slightly above average on scales assessing satisfaction with marital interaction 6 3

          They were the most satisfied of all groups in how they are handling their children andparenting duties. 6 3

          These couples also had a relative high on their agreement about theplace of religion in their marriages 6 3

          Examination of the individual scores indicates thatthey see religion as an important aspect of their marriage 6 3

          This group tended to beyounger but married longer and have more children than the other types 6 3

          They tended tohave more education and higher incomes than the less satisfied couple types. 6 3

          The wiveswere less frequently employed full-time. 6 3

          These couples appeared to be traditional in theirapproach to marriage as seen by their relatively greater frequency of being in their firstmarriage and less than 1% of them were separated. 6 3

          They married younger had morechildren and the wives tended to work less than in other couples 6 3

          In addition neitherpartner had considered divorce in the majority of couples and both reported beingsatisfied in the vast majority of cases. 6 3

      • 4. Harmonious Couples 7 –
        • These couples had moderately high scores on the scalesassessing marital interaction second only to vitalized couples 7 –

          This group had adrastically lower level of consensus on issues involving parenting. 7 –

          The couples in thisgroup tended to be older married for a shorter period of time and have the fewestchildren of any group 7 –

          They tended to be more educated and have higher status jobs 7 –

          The men have lower incomes more frequently than expected and women earned moremoney with greater than expected frequencies 7 –

          The wives in this group worked full-timemore than in other groups and were less often unemployed. 7 –

          The indicators of externalvalidity show that neither partner in three fourths of the couples in this group hadconsidered divorce and % considered themselves satisfied overall. In addition lessthan 1% were separated. 7 –

          It is worth noting that these couples had significant dissatisfaction with theirparenting yet very often had only one child 7 –

      • 5. Vitalized Couples 7 9
        • The highest levels of satisfaction across all of the domains ofmarriage were found among the vitalized couples 7 9

          They had particularly high scores onmarital interaction scales. 7 9

          This means that these couples were particularly comfortablewith their spouse’s habits and personality felt comfortable with their ability tocommunicate and were able to resolve conflict successfully. 7 9

          The couples in this grouptended to be older married longer were more educated and had higher incomes and jobstatus. 7 9

          Husbands tended to have two jobs less frequently and to be working part-timemore often. 7 9

          All of these indicators are typically associated with higher maritalsatisfaction and less stress on the relationship 7 9

          The validation criteria were striking inthis group with neither partner having considered divorce in 86% of the couples virtually all of them reporting satisfaction overall and none being separated 7 9

  • D. Intimate Relationship Satisfaction
    • 3 Variables-Intimate Relationship
      • 1. Interpersonal communication
        • The communication processes within a couple have been strongly emphasized in relationshipcounseling and it has been proposed that “the study of marriage and marital therapy can best be advancedat this time through a better understanding of marital communication processes” 2

          Communication skills have even been claimed to be the “key” and “lifeblood ” ofa successful relationship 2

          Research has backed up this claim and hasfound that good communication skills can differentiate satisfied from unsatisfied couples 2

      • 2. sexual communication
      • 3. communication affect
  • E-Gottman-What Does Research Tell Us About Healthy Relationships
    • Two Types of Couples
      • Healthy Regulated 6
        • Have increased couplesatisfaction 6
        • Less likely to experienceflooding which refersgenerally to feelingoverwhelmed emotionally 6
      • Unhealthy Unregulated or Hostile 6
        • Have decreased couple satisfaction 6
        • Increased use of the Four Horsemen 6
        • More likely to experience flooding 6
        • Less able to calm own emotionalreactions or to soothe partner 6

      Five to One Ratio:

      Healthy couples have a 5 to 1 ratio of positive to negative behaviors. Unregulated couples have a much lower ratio ofpositive to negative behaviors. 6

      Positive Behaviors 6

      • Expressions of Humor 6
      • Affection 6
      • Interest 6
      • Joy 6

      Negative Behaviors 6

      • Expressions of Anger 6
      • Contempt or Disgust 6
      • Whining 6
      • Sadness 6
      • Fear and Tension 6

      Three Types of Healthy Regulated Couples 4

      1. Validating 4

      • These couples handle conflict in an and cooperative manner; they exhibit increased positive emotionsand a respect for each other’s opinions 4

        They believe in emotional expressiveness but in moderation at the right times and only on central issues 4

        There is an emphasis on “we-ness” and companionship 4

        They peak in their attempts to influence their partner in the middle third of the interaction which is theagenda building or negotiation phase 4

      2. Volatile 4

      • Like the validating couples this type of couple handles their differences in an manner but in acompetitive manner 4

        They exhibit a high frequency of negative emotions and an attempt to persuade their partner’s opinion.During conflict these couples begin their persuasions attempts right away which remains high throughoutthe interaction 4

        They are the most emotionally expressive of the three types. Positive and negative feelings are freelyexpressed 4

        These couples show high levels of affection and humor in the midst of an argument; they use a “we againstthem” stance. 4

        Men who prefer volatile relationships are just as likely as women to bring up issues. 4

        They value ness and honesty and like to see strength in one another and are very supportive of mutualindependence

      3. Conflict-Avoiding – 3

      • These couples confront their differences covertly downplay negative emotions and focus on theirsimilarities. – 3

        They minimize the importance of the problem at hand; they gossip; they focus on the strength of therelationship; they reiterate their shared beliefs; the reaffirm their commitment to one another; and theyend conversations with a note of optimism – 3

        These couples will at times explore their emotions because their goal is acceptance but any emotionalexpression is usually low-key. – 3

      Mismatched Unregulated Couples 27

      • It is ideal for the relationship when partners have the same kind of conflict resolution pattern. Although toothers the relationship will look dysfunctional it generally works out for them 27

        When people have different conflict resolution patterns several problems can arise. These couples findthemselves stuck in problems they cannot resolve which causes both of them emotional pain and leads tonegative ways of interacting. 27

        Both individuals exhibit personal attacks 27

        Both have a decrease in positive emotions 27

        There is an increased intensity in conflicts 27

      The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse

      • All couples exhibit negative behaviors that are damaging to the relationship. However couples that areunregulated exhibit an increased amount of damaging behaviors

        The most damaging of these behaviors are the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. They show the relationship isin crisis and are shown to be predictors of divorce

        The Four Horsemen are also found in healthy couples but are much more frequent in unregulated couples andwithout the repair attempts found in stable relationships

        The behaviors that make up the Four Horsemen are

        • Criticism
          • Attacking someone’s personality or character rather than a specific behavior and is usually accompanied withblame

            Any statement that implies there is something globally wrong with one’s partner something that is probably alasting aspect of the partner’s character.

            Any statement that begins with “you always” or “you never” is a criticism rather than a complaint

            Example: “You talked about yourself all through dinner and didn’t ask me anything about my day. How can youtreat me this way? What kind of a self-centered person are you?

        • Defensiveness
          • Any attempt to defend oneself from a perceived attack. A general stance of warding off a perceived attack. 5

            A common defensive mechanism is where someone rarely admits they are wrong and instead blames the otherpartner for not somehow preventing the mistake which makes it their fault. 5

            Usually this includes denying responsibility for the problem by diverting deflecting attacking or defending which fuels the conflict. 5

            Example: “How about when you explode into a tantrum?” 5

        • Contempt
          • Any statement or nonverbal behavior that puts oneself on a higher plane than one’s partner 5

            The facial expression of contempt such as eye rolling is particularly corrosive to relationships 5

            Contempt is the single best predictor of divorce; it is found heavily in unregulated couples and essentially zero inhappy relationships – 1

            Example: “It’s not ‘I could care less ’ it’s ‘I couldn’t care less.’ At least get that right!” – 1

        • Withdrawal (alsoreferred to as Stonewalling
          • Occurs when the listener withdraws (through physically leaving or emotionally shutting down) from theinteraction – 2

            Non-verbal behavior expresses the withdrawal such as few glances looking away or down stiff neck sayinglittle concealing or lack of facial expression – 2

            85% of Stonewallers are men; when women stonewall it is very predictive of divorce – 2

            Men usually stonewall as an attempt to decrease their state of being flooded and to self-soothe – 2

  • F-Gottman-Empirical Basis
  • G Signs Of Relationahip Failures
    • The First Sign: A Harsh Startup
    • The Second Sign: The Four Horsemen
    • The Third Sign: Flooding
    • The Fourth Sign: Body Language
    • The Fifth Sign: Failed Repair Attempts
    • The Sixth Sign: Bad Memories
  • H Principles-Making Marriage Works
    • Inside the Seattle Love Lab: the truth about happy marriages
      • Stats: 9
      • Myths
        • 1. neurosis or personality problems ruin marriage 3
        • 2. common interests keep people together 3
        • 3. reciprocity keeps a good relationship 3
        • 4. Avoiding conflict will ruin your marriage 3
        • 5. Affairs are the root causes of divorce 3
        • 6. Men are not biologically built for marriage 1 – 6
        • 7. Men and women are from different planets: 1 – 6
      • What does make marriages work? 1
    • How I predict divorce
      • Final 4 stages that signal divorce
        • 1. you see your marital problems as severe 2
        • 2. talking things over seems useless – you solve problems on your own 2
        • 3. you start leading parallel lives 2
        • 4. loneliness sets in. 3
      • couple therapy
        • Gottman: couple therapy is not about negotiating skills or conflict resolution. Such approaches do notwork!!!!! It is also about what people do right when they do not argue: i.e. therefore work onincreasing the friendship!!!! And that is where Gottman 7 Principles enter!!!!! 3
      • 1. Harsh startup
      • 2. Four horsemen of the apocalypse
        • a. Criticism 1 6
        • b. Contempt 1 6
        • c. Defensiveness 2 4
        • d. Stonewalling 2 4
      • 3. Flooding
      • 4. Body language
      • 5. Failed repair attempts
      • 6. Bad memories
    • 7 Principles
      • Principle 1: enhance your love maps
      • Principle 2: nurture your fondness and admiration
      • Principle 3: turn towards each other and not away
      • Principle 4: let your partner influence you
      • Principle 5: solve your solvable problems
      • Principle 6: Overcoming Gridlock
      • Principle 7: Creating shared meaning
  • Compiled By:
    • blindcaveman.wordpress.com
    • Rigel Arcayan

MindMap-BookSummary-DepressionOfGrief

MindMap-BookSummary-DepressionOfGrief

  • About Depression Of Grief
    • Date Read: October 02, 2016
    • Author: Alan Wolfelt
    • ISBN: 978-1-61722-193-4
    • 138 pages
    • MyRating: 5 Stars
  • Introduction
    • A special note to friends and family members
  • Part 1: The journey we call grief
    • Grief versus mourning
      • What is healing in grief?
    • Death and other losses
    • Grief is not a disease
    • Symptoms of normal grief
      • Shock, numbness, denial, and disbelief
        • Intentionally numbing yourself to the pain
      • Disorganization, confusion, searching, and yearning
      • Anxiety, panic, and fear
      • Explosive emotions
      • Guilt and regret
        • Survivor guilt
        • Relief-guilt
        • Joy-guilt
        • Magical thinking and guilt
        • Longstanding personality factors and guilt
      • Sadness and depression
        • Clean pain versus dirty pain
  • Part 2: The sadness of grief
    • The dark night of the soul
    • The necessity of stillness
    • Liminal space
    • Sadness and empathy
    • Your divine spark
    • Honoring your pain
      • Dosing your pain
    • Making grief your friend
  • Part 3: Grief depression or clinical depression?
    • What is clinical depression?
    • Grief or clinical depression?
    • Grief and clinical depression at the same time?
      • Grief and the DSM-5
    • Types of clinical depression
    • Suicide and depression
      • Warning signs of suicide
    • Good grief or complicated grief?
      • An unnatural or untimely death
      • Your personality
      • Your relationship with the person who died
      • An inability to express your grief
      • Use of drugs or alcohol
      • Absent or delayed grief
      • Distorted grief
      • Converted grief
      • Chronic grief
    • How to know if you are clinically depressed or experiencing complicated grief
    • What to do about depression
  • Part 5: Medical therapies as treatment
    • Types of biomedical treatment
      • Antidepressants
      • Psychotherapy/counseling
        • Contents
        • Research-supported psychotherapies
        • Grief companioning„a form of client-centered talk therapy
      • Combined treatment„antidepressants and talk therapy
    • 11 Tenets-Companioning
      • Tenet One: Companioning is about being present to anotherpersons pain; it is not about taking away the pain.

        Tenet Two: Companioning is about going to the wilderness of thesoul with another human being; it is not about thinking you areresponsible for finding the way out

        Tenet Three: Companioning is about honoring the spirit; it is notabout focusing on the intellect.

        Tenet Four: Companioning is about listening with the heart; it is notabout analyzing with the head

        Tenet Five: Companioning is about bearing witness to the strugglesof others; it is not about judging or directing these struggles.

        Tenet Six: Companioning is about walking alongside; it is not aboutleading or being led.

        Tenet Seven: Companioning is about discovering the gifts of sacredsilence; it does not mean filling up every moment with words.

        Tenet Eight: Companioning is about being still; it is not about franticmovement forward

        Tenet Nine: Companioning is about respecting disorder andconfusion; it is not about imposingorder and logic

        Tenet Ten: Companioning is aboutlearning from others; it is not aboutteaching them.

        Tenet Eleven: Companioning is aboutcompassionate curiosity; it is not aboutexpertise

    • Finding a good counselor
      • If your counselor recommends hospitalization
  • Part 4: Mourning as treatmentŽ
    • The six needs of mourning
      • Mourning Need 1: Accept the reality of the death
      • Mourning Need 2: Let yourself feel the pain of the loss
      • Mourning Need 3: Remember the person who died
      • Mourning Need 4: Develop a new self-identity
      • Mourning Need 5: Search for meaning
      • Mourning Need 6: Let others help you„now and always
    • What happens when you dont mourn
    • Symptoms of carried grief
      • Difficulties with trust and intimacy
      • Depression and negative outlook
      • Anxiety and panic attacks
      • Psychic numbing and disconnection
      • Irritability and agitation
      • Substance abuse, addictions, eating disorders
      • Physical problems, real or imagined
    • Types of Loss
      • Loss of people you love
        • Separation (physical and/or emotional)
        • Rejection
        • Hostility/grudges
        • Illness (such as Alzheimers, debilitating conditions)
        • Divorce
        • Abandonment/betrayal
        • Death
        • Empty nest
      • Loss of pets
      • Loss of aspects of self
        • Self-esteem (often through physical, sexual, or emotionalabuse or rape, humiliation, rejection, or neglect)

          Health, physical, or mental ability

          Job (downsizing, firing, failed business, retirement)

          Control (such as through addiction, victimization)

          Innocence (such as through abuse, exposure to immoralbehavior)

          Sexual identity/ability/desire

          Security (such as through financial problems, war)

          Expectations about how our lives should/would be

          Reputation

          Beliefs (religious, spiritual, belief in others we trusted)

          Dreams (cherished hopes for the future)

      • Loss of physical objects
        • Home (such as through a physical disaster, move, ortransition into assisted living environments)
        • Linking objects (special items such as photos that carryemotional weight)
        • Money
        • Belongings (through theft or fire, etc.)
        • Nature/place (through a move, changing land use)
      • Loss through developmental transitions
        • Toddlerhood to childhood
        • Childhood to adolescence
        • Adolescence to adulthood
        • Leaving home
        • Marriage
        • Having/not having children
        • Mid-life
        • Taking care of parents
        • Retirement
        • Old age
    • Grief self-inventory
      • 1. Do you have difficulties with trust and intimacy?
      • 2. Do you have a tendency toward depression
      • 3. Do you have difficulties with anxiety and/or panic attacks?
      • 4. Do you have trouble with psychic numbing and disconnection?
      • 5. Do you have difficulties with irritability and agitation?
      • 6. Do you struggle with substance abuse, addictions, or eatingdisorders?
      • 7. Do you have any physical problems, real or imagined?
      • 8. Do you find it easier to take care of others than you do to carefor yourself?
      • 9. Do you find it difficult to express your feelings?
      • 10. Do you find it difficult to ask for what you want from otherpeople?
      • 11. Do you feel a lack of meaning and purpose in your life?
    • The power of telling your story
      • Love is never the same twice and neither is grief. Each is a one-of-akindstory, a snowflake in the history of humanity. Part of your griefwork now is to tell your story, even as it continues to unfold andmorph into something ever new.

        In fact, after someone you love dies, the creation of renewedmeaning and purpose in your life requires that you re-storyŽ yourlife. As you know, your grief experience is unique and personal

  • Part 6: Believe in your capacity to heal
    • Setting your intention to heal
      • Reconciling your grief
    • No reward for speed
    • Caring for yourself as you heal
      • The physical realm
      • The cognitive realm
      • The emotional realm
      • The social realm
      • The spiritual realm
    • How reconciliation feels
      • Closure: a misnomer
    • The transformative nature of grief
    • Hope for your healing
  • Glossary of terms
    • anhedonia
      • the inability to experience pleasure from things thatnormally give you pleasure
    • carried grief
      • grief from earlier in life that was never mourned
    • clean pain
      • the normal and necessary hurt of loss
    • clinical depression
      • depression characterized by a depressed mood and/depression or lack of pleasure as well as other symptoms,particularly a low sense of self-worth and the inabilityto function day-to-day
    • companioning
      • my philosophy of grief counseling; the art of walkingalongside someone in grief
    • complicated
      • normal grief that has strayed off course and is not softening over time but instead becoming entrenchedor worsening
    • dirty pain
      • the compounding or distorting of the hurt of loss byworrying about what ifsŽ or catastrophizing
    • divine spark
      • your soul or essence
    • dosing your
      • embracing your hurt a bit at a time, allowing yourself to retreat and take a break before you approach itagain
    • grief
      • what you think and feel inside yourself when youexperience a loss
    • liminal space
      • the place you are when you are in transition orbetween comfortable situations
    • mourning
      • expressing your grief outside yourself
    • perturbation
      • when you embrace, explore, and express yourfeelings, which allows them to change and soften;your emotions in motion
    • reconciliation
      • when you have integrated your grief into your life andare able to once again live and love fully
  • Compiled By:
    • blindcaveman.wordpress.com
    • Rigel Arcayan

Mindmap-Book Summary-CodepencdencyFor Dummies

Mindmap-Book Summary-CodepencdencyFor Dummies

  • About Codependency for Dummies
    • Date Read: February 22, 2014
    • Author: Darlene Lancer
    • ISBN: 978-1-118-26192-7
    • 339 pages
    • MyRating: 5 Stars
  • Part I: What is Codependency and Who is Codependent?
  • Chapter 1: When Relationships Hurt
    • What Is Codependence?
      • “Codependency is a pattern of painful dependence upon compulsivebehaviors and approval of others to find safety self-worth and identity. Recovery is possible
    • Facing the Problem 33
      • Codependency is real and painful

        Codependency is insidious and powerful. It robs you of joy peaceof mind and the ability to have sustained loving relationships. Itaffects your relationship with yourself and with others in somecases all your relationships and sometimes only one person — aspouse or romantic partner a parent sibling or child or someoneat work. Ask yourself if your relationships feed you or drain you

        Codependents live with a high degree of shame stress and reactivity.They suppress their feelings or explode and have behaviorsthat stem from fear guilt and the need to control others. Thislimits flexibility in the relationship and the flow of communication.Often codependent relationships involve emotional or physicalabuse and addiction. Even when that’s not the case codependentsfeel trapped and unhappy because they give up themselves bydenying or suppressing their needs and feelings and fear beingalone or rejected. To cope they sometimes disregard what’s actuallyhappening in the present. Problems with intimacy and communicationarise due to confusion about personal boundariesand responsibilities to themselves and others. Instead of bringingcouples closer frequently communication is avoided or used tomanipulate and leads to conflict

        Codependents feel uncomfortable being themselves. They develop a persona in the world that reacts to others to their own selfcriticism and to their imagined ideal of who they should be. To beacceptable to others and to themselves they hide who they are and Who is Codependent?and become who they aren’t. Shame due to earlier trauma concealstheir real core self which they can’t access. Many codependentsaren’t even aware of how self-critical they are yet they suffer“tyranny of the shoulds ” a phrase coined by Horney. Even thoughyou may not relate to this it still may be operating beneath yourconscious awareness.

    • 4-Selves
      • 1. Real Self
      • 2. Shame Based Critic
      • 3. Persona
      • 4. Perfect Self
    • The Stages of Codependency and Recovery 34
      • Counselors treating alcoholic families considered codependencyto be a chronic disease like other addictions (see Chapter 2) because they observed that codependency was progressive.Addiction counselors noticed that the addicts’ spouses showedprogressively worsening symptoms that paralleled those of alcoholics.In the later stages both had serious mental and or physicalproblems. Left untreated codependency spiraled downward 35
    • 3 Stages of Codependency 34
      • Stage 1-Early stage of codependencyand recovery 35
        • The early stage of codependency begins by becoming attached tosomeone and ends with unhealthy dependency on him or her. Inrecovery the early stage ends with starting to reclaim yourself 35

          The disease process 35

          • You may be attracted to a needy person or be overly involved witha family member and naturally want to help or please him or her.Gradually you become increasingly emotionally dependent uponand obsessed with that person to the extent that you lose focus onyourself and start to give up personal friends and activities. 35

          The recovery process 35

          • You begin coming out of denial (see Chapter 5) which means yousquarely confront the problem and acknowledge reality — a prerequisiteto changing it. This shift may be inspired by someoneelse’s recovery by reading this book or more likely it’s triggeredan event — a wakeup call referred to as hitting bottom — thatmakes change imperative. Instead of ignoring or minimizing thefacts you recognize them as difficult and painful but true. Youdon’t have to like them but you see them as they are. 35

          Table 1-1 Early Stage of Codependency and Recovery 36

      • Stage 2-Middle stage of codependencyand recovery 36
        • The important middle stage of codependency is where denial painfulemotions and obsessive-compulsive behavioral patterns areprevalent. You increase attempts to control while feeling more outof control. When in recovery you reclaim independence balance and greater peace of mind. 36

          The disease process 36

          • Without support denial and isolation continue and problemsget worse. You may minimize and hide from yourself and otherspainful aspects of your relationship and withdraw from outsideactivities and friends. Meanwhile your obsession with the relationshipor addiction and accompanying anxiety resentment andguilt increase. You do more to help enable and control the otherperson or the addiction and may even take over his or her responsibilities. 36

            As mood swings and conflict increase some codependents turn to drugs food spending or other addictivebehavior to cope. 36

          The recovery process 36

          • The middle stage is where most of the work of recovery takesplace. You begin to practice nonattachment and grasp your powerlessnessover others and your addiction. (See Chapter 9.) As thefocus on yourself grows so do self-responsibility self-awareness and self-examination which are part of psychotherapy as well asTwelve Step programs. 36

            AA emphasizes that an alcoholic’s successis based upon rigorous self-honesty as the key to recovery. This isalso true for codependents and one of the 12 steps of CoDA whichare derived from AA. Blaming others and external circumstancesdenies your power to effect change and achieve happiness. Evenif you’re a victim of abuse you find the power to change yourcircumstances when the center of control shifts from the perpetratorto yourself. Self-examination also includes working throughchildhood issues that may have led to your codependency 36

            Although insight about your behavior is necessary it’s insufficientfor change. Decisions actions and risk-taking are required duringthe middle stage

            They happen when you’reready and can’t be forced. It’s hard to change even when you knowthings would improve — like taking a better job or moving to adesirable area — but taking risks where the outcome is uncertainrequires courage — courage to venture from discomfort that’sfamiliar into new territory. This is one reason why support isessential.

            During the middle stage you make new friends participate inoutside activities and develop the ability to be assertive and setboundaries. (See Chapters 11 and 14.) As you become more emotionallyindependent you take better care of yourself and reactivity enabling and controlling behavior diminish.

          Table 1-2 Middle Stage of Codependency and Recovery

      • Stage 3-Late stage of codependencyand recovery
        • In the late stage of codependency and recovery the contrastbetween disease and health are most pronounced. The untreatedcodependent’s world has significantly narrowed and his or herlevels of health and functioning have severely declined while therecovered codependent’s world has expanded to include greaterrisk-taking relationships and new goals.

          The disease process

          • As the disease progresses anger and conflicts are more common and self-esteem and self-care further decline. Hopelessness emptiness and depression prevail. The chronic stress of codependencymanifests in new symptoms such as stress-related health problems(see Chapter 3) and new or more advanced obsessive-compulsivebehaviors and addictions. These behaviors and addictions mayinclude regularly monitoring the addict enabling cleaning house dieting overeating having affairs exercising spending or usinglegal or illegal drugs.

          The recovery process

          • In the late stage of recovery your self-esteem and confidencereturn. You’re empowered to pursue your own goals and are moreexpansive creative and spontaneous. (See Chapter 17.) You desireto fully express yourself for the sheer joy and freedom of it. Asyour focus shifts away from someone outside yourself you fullyunderstand that your happiness doesn’t depend upon others andyou no longer have a desperate need to be in a relationship. Atthe same time you’re more desirous and capable of authentic intimacy.(See Chapter 16.)

          Table 1-1 Early Stage of Codependency and Recovery 36

          Table 1-2 Middle Stage of Codependency and Recovery

          Table 1-3 Late Stage of Codependency and Recovery

    • Goals of Recovery
      • The overall goal of recovery is to become a full-functioning individual.That entails knowing valuing trusting and freely expressingyourself congruently with your feelings and values. To that aim thisbook addresses objectives with respect to your thoughts feelings actions and self-esteem as listed in this section. Consider trackingyour progress as you work through the coming chapters and continueto grow in recovery. Add your own goals as you go along
    • How you think
      • The first priority is to heighten your awareness and open up yourthinking and understanding about codependency and addictionand how each has and continues to affect your family and yourlife. Specific cognitive goals include understanding your separatenessfrom others letting go and giving others the dignity to beresponsible for themselves while taking responsibility for yourself.Ongoing goals are developing awareness of your thoughts rationalizations values beliefs needs and behavior and gettinga handle on your obsessive repetitive worries and negative selftalk.
    • 15 Strategies – Understanding Codependency
      • 1. Understanding addiction and your family dynamics
      • 2. Understanding how addiction may have affected you
      • 3. Coming out of denial
      • 4. Accepting your powerlessness over addiction
      • 5. Understanding and practicing the concept of nonattachment
      • 6. Becoming aware of separateness between yourself and others
      • 7. Gaining awareness of thoughts
      • 8. Judgments of self and others
      • 9. Worries and fears
      • 10. Rationalizations
      • 11. Fantasies and obsessions
      • 12. Gaining awareness of your needs and how to meet them
      • 13. Gaining awareness of beliefs and values
      • 14. Testing your thoughts and beliefs against reality
      • 15. Developing decision-making skills
    • 4 Codependent behavior
      • 1. Pleasing
      • 2. Manipulating
      • 3. Controlling
      • 4. Enabling
    • What you feel
      • Because either you weren’t taught to name your feelings or yourchildhood environment prevented their free expression it’s likelythat you’re not often aware of your feelings

        Having emotion is different.

        Codependents can cry and rage but aren’t able to name afeeling or know why they’re upset

        Typically codependents feelguilty for other people’s negative feelings and think other peoplemake them feel guilty or angry.

        Taking responsibility for yourfeelings and not those of others is a gradual but essential learningprocess.

        Important goals are to be able to identify name andexpress your feelings openly

        This latter step may be disturbing ifyou’re not used to crying or feeling vulnerable but this is a healthypart of healing.

        People who are overwhelmed with feelings need tocontain and understand them. Down the line you want to be ableto appropriately express your feelings to others

    • 13 Goals about your feelings
      • 1. Replacing despair with hope
      • 2. Gaining awareness and acceptance of feelings about you yourwork and people in your life
      • 3. Being able to name and accept your feelings
      • 4. Journaling feelings
      • 5. Connecting thoughts needs feelings and actions
      • 6. Distinguishing your feelings from others
      • 7. Taking responsibility for your feelings
      • 8. Not taking responsibility for other people’s feelings
      • 9. Sharing feelings in a group or with a therapist
      • 10. Taking charge of your anger
      • 11. Grieving your losses
      • 12. Sharing my feelings in safe personal relationships
      • 13. Being able to soothe yourself when you have negative feelings
    • Your self-esteem
      • Your self-esteem reflects how you feel about yourself. It enhances orimpairs your relationships professional success your moods andsense of well-being. Replacing shame and low self-esteem with selfrespectand self-worth is the cornerstone of recovery
    • Pursuing all of the goals outlined in this chapter improves yourself-esteem
    • What you say
      • Practicing assertive communication improves your relationshipsand also builds self-esteem.
    • 11 Self Esteem Objectives
      • 1. Confronting negative self-talk
      • 2. Healing shame
      • 3. Being kind to yourself
      • 4. Taking responsibility for your actions
      • 5. Affirming yourself
      • 6. Accepting yourself
      • 7. Reducing guilt and forgiving yourself
      • 8. Meeting your needs
      • 9. Sharing in Twelve Step meetings and in therapy
      • 10. Trusting and loving yourself
      • 11. Nurturing and giving yourself pleasure
    • 7 Communication Goals
      • 1. Being honest and direct
      • 2. Making “I” statements
      • 3. Taking positions
      • 4. Becoming aware of abusive communication
      • 5. Setting boundaries and saying “No”
      • 6. Being able to problem-solve in your relationships (see
      • 7. Handling conflict
    • What you do
      • There’s a maxim in AA: “Take action and the feelings will follow.”Your thoughts and feelings determine how you behave but actionsalso change your mood and feelings. Reading about and understandingcodependency and how you came to be codependent areimportant but taking risks and behaving differently actualizes yourunderstanding and changes you. Taking action doesn’t mean jumpingin to “fix” everyone’s problem. That complicates matters andprevents things from working themselves out naturally. There’sanother — almost opposite saying in Al-Anon the Twelve Step programfor families of alcoholics: “Don’t just do something sit there.”It requires courage and strength to do the opposite of what youordinarily do and to refrain from habitual behavior. Action goalsinclude communicating differently and setting boundaries
    • 13 Action goals
      • 1. Journaling
      • 2. Attending Twelve Step meetings and or counseling
      • 3. Not enabling
      • 4. Practicing nonattachment
      • 5. Minding your own business
      • 6. Creating a spiritual practice
      • 7. Developing interdependent behavior
      • 8. Developing hobbies and interests
      • 9. Taking action to meet your needs
      • 10. Setting and pursuing goals
      • 11. Trying and discovering new activities
      • 12. Building supportive relationships
      • 13. Reaching out when you’re in pain
  • Chapter 2: A New Definition of Codependency
    • Clinicians like labels in order to talk about and study an illness.It helps them identify symptoms utilize tested treatments and understand the origin of a disorder. It also spawns research.

      and make people feel badly about themselves! Codependentsespecially already feel badly about themselves! They already feelashamed or deficient. On the other hand the benefit of a definitionis that when you clarify and can name a problem you know whereto go for help and how to approach treatment. Your situation has aname . . . and hopefully a solution. A diagnosis enables you to takeresponsibility for your problems. Once identified you’re able tofind others who share your experience and provide information tools and support. Instead of wandering around a store looking atthings to buy you can head directly to the department that has theanswers you need.

      Defining Codependency

      The Core of Codependency — A Lost Self

      • an identifiable addict and whether or not the person lives alone ortries to control someone else’s behavior. My definition cuts to thecore of codependency: A lost Self which includes addicts as wellas many of those who love them

        A codependent is a person who can’t function from his or herinnate self and instead organizes thinking and behavior around asubstance process or other person(s).

        A process is an activity. For example it may be gambling sex shopping or working. Although this definition includes people addictedto substances and processes sobriety or abstinence from theprocess must be obtained before tackling the underlying codependence.(In some cases such as working and eating abstinence maymean moderation within certain guidelines.)

      Codependency and addicts

      • Addicts by definition are dependent. They become dependent andreliant upon the object of their addiction in order to function andmore time is spent in connection with the addiction. When addictsabstain many develop cross-addictions. To witness cross-addictionfirst hand you only have to attend an Alcoholics Anonymous (AA)meeting to see how many people are smoking. Sober alcoholicsstart chain smoking overeating developing sex addictions and soon. Some food addicts who’ve had bariatric surgery to lose weighteat less but become alcoholics or shopaholics.

        There are many causes for addiction but neuroscience researchhas demonstrated that when addicts stop practicing their primaryaddiction and adopt another addiction it is at just the same levelof addiction. For example when a compulsive gambler abstainsfrom gambling he or she’s at risk to start drinking as if he or shewere an alcoholic all those years. Aside from physical reasons onthe emotional level he or she hasn’t done the emotional recoverywork to heal his or her lost Self. This is where codependencycomes in.

        When addicts give up their addiction they then have to deal withtheir emotions. Instead many who are single want to rush intoromance (jokingly called “13th stepping” in AA). They’re squarelyconfronted with all the relationship and intimacy problems thatthey’ve avoided. There are those who sponsor newcomers andtry to manage the newcomer’s life and even obsess about him orher. Again the underlying problem of codependency is surfacing.Sometimes it’s years before they’re willing to face their codependencyissues if ever which can contribute to relapse

      Women and codependency

      • Biological
        • Women are biologically wired for relationships.Their deep limbic systems increase their ability to bond andtheir sensitivity to feelings. Under stress men prepare menfor action while women’s hormones prepare them to tend tochildren and befriend others
      • Developmental (gender identity):
        • Generally girls are moredependent upon and emotionally involved with their parents.For them loss of a relationship is their biggest stressor.They’re more accepting of parental values and a separationthat threatens the emotional attachment with their parentscreates anxiety. Autonomy is their biggest challenge. Unlikegirls boys must separate from their mothers and identify withtheir fathers in order to establish their male identities. Formales intimacy is a challenge.
      • Political
        • Universally women have been subordinated to menand marginalized from access to equal money rights andpower. Oppression for generations has made women morecompliant. This continues today. They’re traumatized byphysical and sexual abuse far more than men which lowerstheir self-esteem.
      • Cultural
        • In most cultures girls are more restricted and haveless opportunity for autonomy. Both hormones and societalnorms encourage adolescent boys to be more rebellious andautonomous. They’re given more freedom and are willing tostruggle for it.
      • Societal
        • Women suffer from low self-esteem and depressionfar more than men. It’s not clear whether this is a cause byproduct or concurrent with codependency; however societalattitudes are a contributing cause. A Dove study found thatover 40 percent of women are unhappy with their looks andover two-thirds suffer low confidence about their bodies. Manyblamed the airbrushed ideal models for setting unrealistic

      What Codependency Is Not

      • It’s important to note that any definition of codependency mayinclude people who have one or more other mental disorders;for example obsessive-compulsive disorder attention deficitdisorder bi-polar disorder and or personality disorders such asnarcissistic dependent or borderline. They require diagnosis todetermine the most appropriate care. Specific treatment is beyondthe scope of this book. Diagnosis should be left to a professional and mind-bending time spent diagnosing someone close to you —a common codependent activity — would be better spent workingon yourself

        Codependency is also not caregiving kindness or interdependency

        I’ve heard people complain that they were labeled “codependent”because they were taking care of a sick relative or helping someone

        Codependent behavior in a specific situation doesn’t make a personcodependent

      Caretaking vs. caregiving

      • Many people particularly women enjoy nurturing and caring forothers. Some make it a profession me included. Mothers are wiredto care for their children.

        Codependent caretaking is different fromgiving care to someone. In fact with codependency there may bemore “taking” than giving when the needs of the giver take precedence

        This is because caregiving comes from abundance andcaretaking emanates from need and deprivation. When does caregivingbecome codependent caretaking?

        Codependents give until it hurts

      Pleasing vs. kindness

      • It’s certainly natural and satisfying to be helpful and kind to others.However codependent pleasing emanates from low self-esteem —more to get than give. Many codependents don’t have a choice! Theycan’t say no. As with care-giving it’s not so much the actions thatdetermine codependency but the pleaser’s state of mind. The essentialquestion is whether you are giving from a place of self-esteem orfrom guilt fear or insecurity

      Codependency vs. interdependency

      • When it comes to relationships whether the dynamics are codependentor healthy interdependency may not be apparent at first.The following are the extremes so you get the idea. Most relationshipsfall somewhere in between

      Relationship hell

      • Although from the outside a codependent couple may look physically intellectually and financially independent in reality thereare two emotionally dependent and insecure adults. Rather thanequality and respect there’s a power imbalance and or powerstruggles. One person may anticipate the other’s needs and thenfeel guilty anxious or resentful about it. They’re not just affectedby each other; they react to and feel responsible for each other’sfeelings and moods. They directly or indirectly try to control theother in order to get their needs met. They feel less free in the relationshipand fear both intimacy and separateness which threatentheir insecure selves

      Relationship heaven

      • Attachment normally develops in intimate relationships. When twopeople love each other it’s natural for them to want to be togetherand to miss and be concerned about one another. Over time theirlives and routines become intertwined. They enjoy helping andencouraging each other. They need depend upon and are affectedby one another but are equals and take responsibility for theirown lives as well as their contribution to the relationship. Theirlives are interdependent. They don’t fear intimacy and independenceis not seen as a threat to the relationship. In fact the relationshipgives them each more freedom. They respect and supporteach other’s personal goals but are committed to the relationship
  • Chapter 3: Characteristics of Codependents
    • Everyone has wounds; some people have a lot more thanothers. As a codependent you have your share of wounds.You may be afraid to get close afraid to be alone afraid of beinghurt afraid of being controlled afraid of being judged. These areyour wounded places. You don’t realize this or that deep down you don’t believe you matter. Sadly your wounds make youashamed of who you are — of being human — so you hide themfrom others even from yourself. This is your denial

      6 Codependency Characteristics

      • 1. Low Self-Esteem
        • Table 3-1 Signs of High and Low Self-Esteem
          • High Self-Esteem
            • Know you’re okay
            • Know you have value and matter
            • Feel competent
            • Exhibit honesty and integrity
            • Trust yourself
            • Display self-acceptance
            • Show responsibility to self andothers
            • Are hopeful
            • Respect and compassion for selfand others
          • Low Self-Esteem
            • Feel not enough; compare andimprove self
            • Lack self-worth and value
            • Need others’ approval; ask others’opinion
            • Feel indecisive; defer to agreewith and please others
            • Doubt self; feel disconnected fromneeds and wants
            • Are critical of self and others; aresensitive to criticism
            • Discount own feelings wants andneeds
            • Lack confidence and self-efficacy
            • Lack self-respect and selfcompassion

          As a codependent you probably have low self-esteem

          You maybelieve you’re never enough that you’re not doing enough attractive enough smart enough or good enough

          You may baseyour self-worth on money beauty prestige or by excelling atsomething — even being a great parent — yet none of this is selfesteem.

          How will you feel about yourself if you lose your money looks prestige or if your child becomes a drug addict?

          self-esteem based upon performing well if your actions are motivatedby a desire to win others’ approval or recognition — thusthe expression “You’re only as good as your last performance.”

          You’d be seeking “other” esteem.

          you may think highly of yourself not realizing it’s all based onthese externals

          are typically disconnected from themselves you may not trust yourself and may lack the ability to knowor follow inner guidance

          You may be confused or unable to makeup your mind always asking someone else’s opinion

          You maynot know what you really want and defer to others in order to beliked and loved

          When you know your needs and desires you maydismiss or talk yourself out of them or go along with someone toavoid conflict — especially in intimate relationships

          Low self-esteem can make you super-critical so that you find faultwith just about anything concerning yourself — how you feel act look and what you need think say or create

          You may even hateand loathe yourself.

          you probably don’t realizethe extent of your self-judgment.

          It makes you sensitive to criticismand even feel criticized when you’re not.

          When you receive praise attention compliments or gifts you’re embarrassed and makeexcuses because you don’t feel deserving

          Being self-critical alsomakes you critical of others.

          Don’t be discouraged. There’s hope. Your self-esteem is learned and poor self-esteem can be transformed into self-worth

          Self-esteem reflects your real opinion of yourself — deep down.

          It’s a self-appraisal

          Your self-esteem may be high or low but isn’tbased on what others think

          Instead of Self-esteem (a capital “S” toemphasize self-evaluation) codependents look to others for theirvalue and validation

          Other people and things make them feel goodor bad

          You can say that codependents are “other defined.”

          You know how it feels to complete a difficult project win a competition or just have a great day with your friends. People withhigh self-esteem feel that way most of the time. Usually people feeldown when they’re reprimanded by their boss have a financialsetback or become ill but these feelings are transient and don’treflect true Self-esteem positive or negative. Good self-esteemdoesn’t vary significantly with external events. You won’t feel badabout yourself when bad things happen because they’re externaland not a reflection of your essential Self. You know that you havethe resources to recover. But when people with low self-esteemsuffer loss or disappointment they feel defeated.

      • 2. Internalized shame
        • Whereas self-esteem comes from your thoughts shame is a painfulfeeling of humiliation and self-disgust

          When others are around you may feel exposed and alienated like they can see your flaws

          It makes you want to hide and become invisible. Everyone hasshame including people with high self-esteem who generally feelgood about themselves.

          Shame is healthy when it prevents youfrom doing something you consider unethical

          Physical signs ofshame are:

          • Avoiding eye contact
          • Withdrawing
          • Freezing
          • Perspiring
          • Slumping your shoulders
          • Hanging your head
          • Dizziness
          • Nausea

          Normally shame passes after an embarrassing incident but forcodependents shame is internalized. It sits there waiting to beactivated and persists long after the event like an open woundthat has never healed.

          You’re ashamed of who you are. It’s all pervasive paralyzes spontaneity and defines you.

          You don’t believethat you matter or are worthy of love respect success or happiness.You think that you’re bad defective inadequate a phony a failure or worse.

          Chronic internalized shame leads to hopelessnessand despair.

          Extreme prolonged shaming and humiliation cancause psychic numbing like becoming a living zombie

          Table 3-2 Core Codependent Feelings

          • Low Self-Esteem
            • You Lack:
            • Self-confidence
            • Self-trust
            • Selfresponsibility
            • Self-efficacy(agency)
            • Self-respect
            • Self-value worth
          • Shame
            • You Feel:
            • Unworthiness
            • Unlovable
            • Unimportant
            • Undeserving
            • Self-loathing
            • Judgmental
          • Fear
            • You Fear:
            • Abandonment
            • Rejection
            • Criticism
            • Failure andsuccess
            • Intimacy
            • Own power
          • Guilt andBlame
            • You FeelGuilt About:
            • Your feelings
            • Your acts andneeds
            • Others’ feelings
            • Others’ acts
            • Others’ needs
            • Others’ problems
      • 3. Pleasing — the pretzel dilemma
        • There are codependents who turn themselves inside out to accommodateothers

          They’re not centered in themselves and desperatelywant others to validate them like them love them or atleast need them.

          If that’s you you want other esteem so much thatyou try to turn yourself into a human pretzel in order to please accommodate and win someone else’s approval.

          You feel anxiousif others are unhappy with you and you give their needs feelings and opinions precedence over your own. In fact you silence sometimes even to yourself your own needs feelings thoughts opinions and values to become what you believe is expected ordesired by someone else especially in romantic relationships —where the rubber meets the road.

          You try to fit in be perfect benice look good be responsible do well and take care of others further hiding your wounds your shame and your pain. When youfeel extremely insecure you may mimic other’s actions and feelingsor pretend to feel and behave the way you assume anotherperson wants.

          The more you look outward in order to measure how you shouldfeel think and behave the greater is the estrangement from yourinner Self and the stronger is the need and addiction to somethingor someone just as an addict takes a drug to fill the emptinesscreated by the separation from the Self. Pleasing gives only temporaryrelief and builds a need for more until the attraction to that“other” becomes an addiction.

      • 4. Guilt
        • Guilt is different from shame.

          Whereas shame is a bad feelingyou have about yourself as a person guilt is a feeling about whatyou’ve said or done that violates your personal standards a law or ethical principle such as hurting someone

          For codependents guilt is hard to let go of and gets compounded when it taps in tounderlying feelings of shame.

          You may feel guilty “I shouldn’t havedone that ” followed by shame “I’m so selfish (or a loser etc.).”

          Example: David made mistake on a client’s tax return. He hadn’t submitted it to the client or the IRS but David was so guilt-ridden and angry at himself thathe couldn’t wait until Monday to correct the error. He interrupteda family outing to go to his office. His unhealthy guilt robbed himof peace of mind because it triggered internalized shame.

          Feelings are part of our humanity but codependents feel guilty andashamed about them.

          You judge your feelings and tell yourself youshouldn’t feel the way you do — feeling guilty when you’re angryor thinking there’s something wrong with you when you’re sad ordepressed.

          You wonder what’s normal. You review prior eventsand conversations and blame yourself for perceived “mistakes.”

          Figure 3-1 shows the Self shrouded by the negative thoughts andemotions of codependency. Notice the broken boundary.

          Example: Susan was dating someone new. Each week in therapy she’d detailwhat happened and what was said during their previous date.She’d conclude with “So what do you think?” She wanted to knowif she’d said or done anything “wrong ” and what the man may bethinking about the relationship. Her focus was on adapting herselfto win him in order to complete her deficient Self

      • 5. Real Self Broken Boundaries
        • Low Self-Esteem
          • I don’t like myself
          • I can’t do that.
          • I don’t trust myself
          • I don’t know what to do
          • don’t like attention
          • I don’t know what I want
        • Fear
          • What if I’m all alone?
          • What if I’m rejected?
          • What if I lose myself in someone else?
          • What if I fail?
          • What if I’m judged?
          • What if I get hurt?
          • Love hurts.
        • Shame
          • I’m a failure
          • I don’t matter
          • I’m unlovable
          • I don’t deserve happiness
          • I’m a bad person
          • I’m a phoney
          • I’m defective
        • Guilt
          • I should do more.
          • I should try harder.
          • It’s all my fault.
          • I made a mistake.
          • I’m sorry.
      • 6. Perfectionism
        • Perfectionism — when nothing’s good enough

          “Perfection” doesn’t exist in the world but only in the mind of aperfectionist. It’s an illusory standard that’s always out of reach

          As a perfectionist you never know what’s good enough. You’re always failing in your mind. Ongoing self-comparison to ideal standardscreate continual self-judgment and self-shaming — not onlyfor a specific behavior but of yourself as a person. As with David the accountant in the above example compulsive actions in pursuitof perfection defend against these feelings

          The combination of shame guilt and perfectionism is especiallyself-defeating when you seek love from someone who’s unable tolove or can give it only sporadically. You try harder to be perfectto earn love and prove that you’re good or lovable in order to validateyour self-esteem and quell your inner feelings of shame.

          Some codependent high achievers try to prove their worththrough accomplishments. Their compulsion is driven by internalizedshame that they’re flawed. An A student who obsesses over anA- on a test or that he missed a question is a perfectionist drivenby shame. Others don’t try to achieve because they think they’rehopeless failures. Students who believe shaming messages thatthey’re lazy failures or stupid are unable to excel in school

          Another example is a woman whose appearance must always be“perfect.” Even her home must be spotless. Her personal shameis projected onto her environment which she sees as a reflectionof her intolerable flawed Self. Something chipped dusty or out ofplace can create painful anxiety which she can stem only by fixingit rather than fixing her feelings about herself

      Dysfunctional Boundaries

      • Boundaries are part of an expression of self-esteem. They definewhere you end and others begin and set limits between you andothers allowing you to embody your individual Self.

        Awareness of boundaries both protects you from others and prevents youfrom violating others’ boundaries. They are learned growing upwhen parents protect and respect your boundaries and teach younot to invade others’. If you weren’t taught you won’t recognizewhen you’re being inappropriate and if your parents invaded yourboundaries it feels natural when others do

        Having healthy boundariesbegins with getting to know yourself and your feelings andlimits.

      4 Types of Boundaries

      • 1. Physical and sexual boundaries
        • whom and when you allow someone to enter your space or touchyou. When children are denied a right of privacy or control overtheir bodies their physical boundaries are violated. You can geta sense of people’s boundaries by how close they stand to you whether they offer a handshake hug or kiss. If you pull awayand they persist then you know that they’re not respecting yourboundaries and that theirs are different than yours. Another exampleis someone who telephones at inappropriate hours or launchesinto a one-sided monologue without sensitivity to the listener.Yet the listener in by not setting limits also lacks boundaries.Boundaries can change in different relationships as shown in thefollowing example.
      • 2. Material boundaries
        • Material boundaries refer to sharing your possessions and money.People without boundaries give and loan without discretion.Taking or borrowing money or belongings without permission orwithout returning them also shows a lack of respect for others’boundaries.
      • 3. Mental boundaries
        • Mental boundaries apply to opinions and beliefs and whether youcan formulate and hold on to your own when challenged withoutbecoming rigid or dogmatic which would indicate inflexibleboundaries. If as a child you were denied the right to think foryourself make your own decisions or have your ideas and opinionsrespected then you may not know what you think or believe. If youexpress an opinion and become confused lose hold of it in an argument or become very angry you may be reacting from your pastwhen parents dismissed criticized or silenced your views
      • 4. Emotional boundaries
        • Emotional boundaries are subtle and difficult to understand. Theydefine your emotional rights and responsibilities and separateyour feelings from others. People with healthy emotional boundariesdon’t lose themselves in intimate relationships

      2 Strengths of Boundaries

      • 1. Rigid boundaries
        • If your boundaries are rigid or thick for self-protection you end uplonely out of fear because you haven’t learned to protect yourself

          You’re distant and seem invulnerable and your relationships lacksharing and are full of inflexible rules

          You may isolate socially oruse work addiction or activities to avoid intimacy — sometimesonly being intimate during sex. You may erect self-protective wallsof silence anger distrust and cynicism about people and life. Rigidboundaries create problems for others who aren’t allowed get close

          Your body language tells people to stay away like a wounded animalthat withdraws in self-protection because it feels vulnerable. If yourfamily lacked closeness or touching or had negative rules about selfexpression then you may have learned to have rigid boundaries

          Rigid boundaries can also be a reaction to trauma.

      • 2. Broken and mixed boundaries
        • If you have broken boundaries you have limits some of the time in certain situations or with certain people.

          You may have goodboundaries but lose them under stress or be able to set limitswith friends but not with authority figures.

          You may have goodboundaries or even distant rigid boundaries with your mate but areenmeshed with a child to whom you give too much or try to control.

          When your boundaries are mixed you flip from weak to rigidboundaries after feeling hurt

          If you get close too quickly you maylose interest or feel uncomfortable because you’re afraid of intimacy and then boomerang to being alone.

          If you’re in recoveryand begin to have healthier boundaries when you’re with yourfamily you can start to feel crazy and confused.

          You can be havinga hard time holding on to your fragile new sense of Self.

      15 Signs You Are Needing Someone Too Much

      • 1. Excessive thinking worrying or talking about someone
      • 2. Valuing others’ opinions over your own
      • 3. Difficulty making decisions on your own
      • 4. Often giving up plans hobbies or interests to be with someone
      • 5. Fear of being left or rejected
      • 6. Feeling unhappy empty or discontent being with yourself
      • 7. Fear of being alone
      • 8. Inability to go places or start projects on your own
      • 9. Adapting to others’ tastes or point of view
      • 10. Following researching or snooping on someone
      • 11. Feeling unhappy or trapped in a relationship you can’t leave
      • 12. Seeking relationships for happiness power meaning security or excitement
      • 13. Focusing your energy on someone else’s problem or life
      • 14. Feeling loyal to someone who’s hurting you
      • 15. Unable to let go or get over losses and break-ups

      You may not have spent time alone to get to know and developyourself and formulate your own opinions and goals. 0

      You’re usuallylooking for someone to make you happy if you’re single andwhen you’re in a relationship you focus on making that someonehappy in neither case taking the time to make yourself happy 0

      You’re rarely content with yourself and become overly invested inpleasing or helping someone else whom you begin to depend uponto fill in gaps in your Self. 0

      Soon you’re reacting to and controlledby that person’s feelings needs and moods so you try to controlthe other person rather than honor your needs and feelings 0

      Please don’t leave 0

      • Fears of being left rejected or being alone play a big role in dependentrelationships. Some codependents can’t sleep alone. If you’redisconnected from yourself you won’t feel complete. You won’thave an inner life to sustain and nurture you and being alone canfeel empty — like no one’s home. If you’re unable to meet yourneeds you hope that someone else will. Relationships add to yourlife but can’t fix what’s missing inside. You can feel just as lonely ina relationship and once attachment bonds take hold dependencyon the relationship turns into addiction 0

        Abandonment in early childhood can produce shame low selfesteem and insecurity about whether you’re loved and cared for and whether you can count on it in the future 0

        Abandonment needn’t be an actualleaving due to death or divorce but may be emotional as whensomeone isn’t present emotionally or withholds love or attention 0

        Emotional abandonment also leads to feelings fears and perceptionof rejection and contributes to codependency in adult relationships 0

        When fear of abandonment is pervasive you feel that you’re neverenough and unworthy of love. You hide your flaws try to pleaseand accommodate your partner walk on egg shells tolerate abuse make yourself needed and become a human pretzel — all to avoidbeing alone or rejected. 0

        Losing a relationship is agony because itcan trigger an earlier abandonment and because you’re losing partsof yourself — the parts that were already missing 0

        You may attractunavailable partners or your persistent accusations or pleas forattention or reassurance may produce your worst fear and pushthem away. 0

      5 cycle of abandonment 0

      • 1. Early Abandonment 1
      • 2. Shame & Insecurity 1
      • 3. Fear of Abandonment 1
      • 4. Abandoning Relationships 1
      • 5. Shame & Fear of Abandonment 1

      “Can’t get you out of my mind” 1

      • When I was 15 my teacher asked me to participate in a researchproject but didn’t describe it. I entered a small interview room.A woman introduced herself and explained that she would taperecord our interview. She gave no instructions and waited for meto talk. I had no idea what to say without being asked. As we satin silence I became increasingly uncomfortable and annoyed forwhat seemed like an eternity. I began talking about my parents andsiblings until I ran out of things to say. Later I thought the entiremeeting was strange and also strange that I’d spoken about everyonebut myself. 1

        This is what codependents do 1

        You’re invested in other people and think and talk about them. 1

        You try to figure out their motives what they need what they could or should be doing and solvetheir problems. 1

        Sometimes you can talk casually about the personwho’s captured your thoughts. 1

        Other times your attention is laserfocused on that person to the exclusion of all other sensory input 1

        When someone asks you how you’re feeling you report on theother person 1

        You’re not even aware that you haven’t answeredthe question even when repeated 1

        This is obsession. Yourthoughts race out of control repeat themselves in circles searchfor answers worrying and going over conversations 1

        They gripyour mind in an inescapable preoccupation that takes possessionof you. 1

        Obsessions are driven by fear and pain. 1

        It can be fear ofbeing abandoned or rejected fear of being unlovable or fear thatyour loved one will either destroy you or him or herself 1

        Bottled upemotion steals you away from the present — minutes and hoursadd up to days. Your life disappears. The consequences can bedevastating. 1

        When a relationship is new it’s normal to want to be with andspend time thinking of the man or woman you love. He or she isthe center of your world for a while but for codependents it neverstops and it doesn’t have to be about a love relationship you canobsess about anyone close to you. Moreover you give up what’simportant to you to be with or go along with that person. 2

        Obsessions are a way to avoid deeper emotional pain but arenot necessarily painful. In fact they may be pleasurable fantasiesof what you’d like to experience in your relationship howyou’d like someone to act or memories of better times. Whethervisions or endless chatter fill your mind it keeps you out oftouch with reality — including longings for connection unmetneeds or fears of what may happen. The distance between yourfantasy and reality reveals the depth of what you’re missing 2

      You’re my mojo 2

      • People who are happiest healthiest and the most successfulhave an internal locus of control meaning they feel they controloutcomes in their lives 2

        They take responsibility for themselvesand effect changes to create their happiness whereas dependentmen and women find self-responsibility and self-efficacy difficult 2

        Rather than act you react; rather than change you adjust to yourcircumstances. 2

        You need another person or structure such as anassignment in order to take action risk create or produce 2

        Youfind it hard to motivate and sustain your efforts on your own. 2

        Thisis more pronounced with women whose autonomy isn’t usuallyencouraged 2

        For a man the necessity of supportinga family motivates him. Some women don’t have that imperative 2

      12 Causes of Codependency 2

      • 1. Fear of success failure disappointment or change 2
      • 2. Low self-esteem — talking yourself down 2
      • 3. Passivity and indecision 2
      • 4. Attention and energy wasted on someone else 2
      • 5. Needing another’s support and validation 2
      • 6. Lack of self-trust 2
      • 7. Blaming others God circumstances and feeling like a victim 2
      • 8. Underlying depression from abuse in childhood 2
      • 9. Having felt like your words or feelings didn’t matter growing up 2
      • 10. Having had an authoritarian or narcissistic parent 2
      • 11. Having been told you won’t succeed 2
      • 12. Having been told your dreams were unattainable 2

      How You Communicate 3

      • Communication is the most important factor in determining thekinds of relationships you have and it reveals a lot about your selfesteemto the listener. Healthy communication that is clear concise honest and assertive reflects good self-esteem. The purposeof communication is to impart feelings and information but animportant part of communication is listening. Codependents havepoor communication skills. You’re so preoccupied that often youdon’t really listen. The other person’s words get filtered throughlayers of fear and low self-esteem. 3

      Categories Levels of Interpersonal oral communication 3

      • Level 1-Sharing or requesting information and experiences 3
      • Level 2-Expressing thoughts and opinions 3
      • Level 3-Active listening 3
      • Level 4-Expressing feelings 3
      • Level 5-Requesting satisfaction of wants and needs 3
      • Level 6-Stating boundaries 3

      Saying what you think and feel 3

      • Do you say what you think and feel? 3

        Because of fear and low selfesteem codependents typically have some of the following poorcommunication habits 3

      11 Poor Communication Habits 3

      • 1. Fear often driven by shame is the biggest obstacle to being directin your communication. Awareness of your fears can help you riskbeing honest. 4

        2. Make threats you don’t keep 3

        3. Say “yes” when you mean “no” 3

        4. Agree to things you swore you wouldn’t just to keep peace 3

        5. Hide what you think and feel or the fact that you don’t know 3

        6. Edit what you say in order to avoid controversy or criticism 3

        7. Expect others to read your mind understand you and meetyour needs without having to be asked or told 3

        8. Speak indirectly — hint at what you want 3

        9. Ask questions instead of making statements 3

        10. Talk about someone other than yourself or give advice 3

        11. Blame someone else for causing your feelings 3

      6 Common fears that derail communication 4

      • 1. Fear of being disliked or criticized 4
      • 2. Fear of rupturing the relationship 4
      • 3. Fear of being an imposition or burden 4
      • 4. Fear of making a mistake 4
      • 5. Fear of hurting someone’s feelings 4
      • 6. Fear of experiencing retaliation 4

      Fear guilt and lack of boundaries can result in avoidance of seriousconversations about problems in your relationships because youworry about what the other person will think instead of consideringthe actual facts and your thoughts and feelings 4

      Talking aboutproblems can feel as if you’re in a life-threatening situation — thatyour only option is to blame hide or shade the truth or apologizeand agree in order to please appease or control someone else’sfeelings. 4

      This is defensive manipulation because it’s motivated byfear to avoid conflict. 4

      Sometimes by lying or through covert behavior codependents manipulate to protect themselves or to get whatthey want. 4

      They’re easily manipulated with criticism and guilt trips.Manipulating focuses on someone else whose reaction becomes themeasure of your self-esteem. 4

      Ask yourself 4

      • Do your insides match your words or do you edit the truth? 4
      • How often do you ask questions rather than make astatement? 4
      • Do you use “I” statements? 4
      • Do you express your feelings without saying “you”? 4
      • Do you listen? 4
      • Are you clear and concise? 4
      • Are you able to say “No?” 4
      • Do you make direct polite requests to satisfy your wants andneeds? 4

      Being a human reactor 4

      • Codependents react 5

        This means you act in response to outsideinfluences. A few words in a text message can hit you like a cycloneand blow you off course from what you’re doing feeling or thinking. 5

        It destroys your mood and what you think of yourself and canruin your day or even your week. 5

        You take personally what otherssay as a reflection upon you. 5

        This instantly surrenders your selfesteemand emotions to whatever or whoever has triggered them 5

        You lose your center because your Self is other-defined and yourlocus of control is others. This makes you easy to manipulate. 5

        Reacting doesn’t necessarily mean flying into a rage althoughit may. For example you can also react with silence when beinginterrupted rather than respond by setting boundaries. Bothrebellion and compliance are reactions just opposite sides of thecoin 5

        Having a fragile Self and poor boundaries contribute to reacting but living under constant stress whether as a child or as anadult can make you hyper-vigilant and reactive — like a traumatizedanimal quick to flinch — every little thing becomes a crisis 5

        You make mountains out of molehills and scream at your kids orcomputer for something others would take in stride 5

        Rather thanthinking about options and taking constructive action you reactin fruitless attempts to control in ways that worsen the problem 5

        Other times a minor event may set you off because it’s the laststraw in a series of problems or insults that you may have overlookedor complained about in the past. Your reaction is a signalthat you must seriously find new constructive solutions and perhapsseek professional help. 5

      Responding 5

      • To respond to influences is much different 5

        It’s a proactive replyor answer. 5

        It’s responsible behavior that requires you to think problem-solve or act in ways appropriate and in your best interest. 5

        It implies choice and puts you in charge of both your outwardexpression and internal feelings. 5

        You can also choose to respondwith silence or ignore a stimulus. 5

        Responding diffuses emotionsinstead of escalating them. 5

      When you’re tempted to react try this 5

      • Take long slow breaths emphasizing the exhale 5
      • Change your activity — play and have some fun 5
      • Talk over the situation to get objective feedback 5
      • Consider whether the facts and your life actually changed 5
      • Choose not to give the other person or event control over you 5
      • Think about whether you agree and your values 5
      • Say “Stop” to negative replays in your head 6
      • Be loving and empathic with yourself with positivestatements. 6
      • Consider whether past reactions have brought you peace ofmind or resolved a problem 6

      Abusive communication 6

      • Verbal abuse is the most common form of emotional abuse butit’s often unrecognized. It always violates the other person’s emotionalboundaries. 6

        Abusive communication is speech or behaviorthat is punishing derogatory controlling or manipulative 6

        Youmay be a victim of abuse particularly if you’re in a relationshipwith a drug addict or you may be communicating abusively tocontrol someone else. 6

        Abuse may be said in a loving quiet voice or may be concealed — as in a joke. 6

        Subtle verbal abuse can bejust as damaging as overt forms particularly because it’s harder todetect. Over time verbal abuse has an insidious deleterious effectcausing you to doubt and distrust yourself. 6

      Examples of Abusive Communication 6

      • 1. Blaming 6
        • This is the most frequent abuse tactic intended to control putdown and make someone else responsible for events or your feelingsor actions. When you blame you disempower yourself andothers. It communicates that you feel like a helpless victim and isvery different from assertive expression such as “I’m angry at you.” 6
      • 2. Name-calling 6
        • Name-calling is a kind of bullying that’s intimidating and insulting.It’s intended to humiliate and put someone down. 6
      • 3. Raging 6
        • Raging or screaming violates other’s boundaries designed to intimidateand control 6
      • 4. Covert aggressive manipulation 6
        • This is distinguished from defensive manipulation. Here the motiveis aggression albeit hidden. It’s an indirect power play to getsomeone to act or feel the way the manipulator wants using charm implied rewards compliments veiled suggestions of punishment helplessness guilt shaming self-deprecation or playing a victimrole. On the outside a manipulator doesn’t appear aggressive andmay act like the aggrieved party so the person being manipulatedfeels guilty defensive or confused 6
      • 5. Ordering 7
        • Instead of requests ordering someone to do something is anexpression of control that’s demeaning and treats another personlike a slave 7
      • 6. Judging and criticizing 7
        • Judging and criticizing include evaluating giving unwanted advice and telling someone what he or she “should” do 7
      • 7. Play jokes sarcasm and teasing 7
        • Sarcasm is a witty or ironic remark sometimes overt praise that’sintended to inflict a wound. It can be painful to the recipient.Judgment cloaked as playful teasing or joking is no less hurtful. 7
      • 8. Opposing 7
        • The abuser treats you as an adversary and argues against anything challenging perceptions opinions and thoughts withoutlistening or volunteering thoughts or feelings in effect saying “No”to everything so a constructive conversation is impossible. 7
      • 9. Blocking 7
        • This tactic is used to abort conversation by switching topics making accusations or using words that in effect say “Shut up.” 7
      • 10. Discounting and belittling 7
        • Discounting and belittling are forms of abuse that minimize or trivializefeelings thoughts or experiences. It’s a way of saying thatanother’s feelings don’t matter or are wrong. 7
      • 11. Undermining and interrupting 7
        • Undermining with statements such as “You don’t know whatyou’re talking about ” finishing sentences or speaking on another’sbehalf without permission are meant to damage self-esteem andconfidence. 7
      • 12. Lying and denying 7
        • Whatever the motive conscious lying is manipulative. Some addictsand abusers deny that agreements or promises were made or that aconversation or event took place including prior abuse and insteaddeclare love and caring. This is crazy-making and makes the victimgradually doubt his or her memory and perceptions. A persistentpattern is called gas-lighting named after the movie Gaslight where Charles Boyer used denial to make his wife played by IngridBergman believe she was losing her grip on reality 7

      Control and Caretaking 8

      • Normally people think of control as ordering or other overt abuse but control can include indirect nonverbal behavior. You may usethese “soft” methods of control if you’re afraid of being direct 8

      “soft” methods of control 8

      • Helplessness or passivity 8
      • Withholding 8
      • Isolating 8
      • Talking 8
      • Silence 8
      • Gifts and favors 8
      • Seduction 8
      • Pleasing and caretaking 8

      Caretaking 8

      • Caretaking is associated with giving physical aid to someone butbeing a “good fella” or “nice girl” is also caretaking. I use caretakingto refer to emotional financial spiritual or intellectual helpgiven to control when you silence your feelings and needs in orderto accommodate and take care of someone. 8

      There’s chaos all around 8

      • A warped sense of responsibility 8

        Healthy relationships consist of two people each taking responsibilityfor their half of the relationship and their individual Selves 8

        Codependents don’t know how to meet their needs and believethat others can’t take care of themselves 9

        They attract needypeople and invade their boundaries by trying to control them while not taking responsibility for their own side of the fence.Many addict codependents are irresponsible when it comes towork money childcare or personal safety health and hygiene 9

        addict or abuser is in perpetual crisis. You try to control someoneout of control and contain disruption in the family. If you grew upin that environment or in a high-conflict family fear of upsettinga parent meant staying in control. You learned to control yourfeelings and behavior to feel safe. You’d never again want to be atsomeone’s mercy. As an adult you don’t feel safe may be anxious dread disaster and try to control people and events because ofyour past fear even when there’s no evidence for it in the present 8

      Control through kindness 80

      • Caretakers genuinely want to help 80
      • It makes them feel good tobe helpful. 80
      • caregiving and codependent caretaking aredifferent 80
      • caregiving has no strings attached 80
      • caretaking unconscious form of manipulation 80

      Healthy caregiving 80

      • True caring entails listening to others’ thoughts and feelings withunderstanding and allowing them to brainstorm solutions 80

        Yourespect others’ separateness and boundaries and offer supportwithout guilt or an urge to fix their problems trusting that otherswill find appropriate solutions to their problems and pain 80

        it’snot your job to change or direct their lives. 80

        When you do give it’swithout expectations or control. 80

        You don’t give up yourself 80

        Motives behind caretaking 80

        Caretakers give love to get love 80

        They give more in relationships and on the job they work harder and longer than others 80

        Theydon’t feel worthy of love unless they’re giving because they don’tbelieve that they’re lovable and enough as they are 80

        Caretakingallows you to both hide the needs feelings and flaws you’reashamed of and also compensate for them by giving beingneeded and becoming indispensable 80

        It’s insurance against beingabandoned. Because caretaking emanates from guilt shame andfear more than love you give with expectations to fulfill your ownunmet needs — usually unconscious needs for love acceptance orvalidation that you’re a good person. 80

        There are strings attached —especially when gifts financial aid or sex is offered 80

        When you can’t stop yourself 80

        Codependents can’t stop trying to help 80

        It’s a personality stylethat’s been learned and become habitual. 80

        You believe you knowwhat’s best for others and how to run their lives even in situationsin which you have no experience. 80

        Because of an exaggeratedsense of responsibility for others — their happiness feelings thoughts behavior needs expectations and desires — you caneasily become invested in their problems try to rescue them andcontrol the outcome. 80

        You anticipate others’ feelings and needs andoffer unsolicited aid and suggestions without being asked. 80

        Whenyour advice isn’t taken or your help isn’t appreciated you getfrustrated annoyed and resentful but continue to help whetheror not you’re able to change the other person 80

        You may not evenbe deterred if the person you want to help doesn’t believe he orshe has a problem. 80

        When your offer is refused you feel rebuffedand hurt. Some people take advantage of caretakers who can’t say“no.” Even though they volunteer help they don’t take responsibilityfor their behavior. In the end they feel used or resentful andinsufficiently appreciated loved or rewarded for their efforts 80

      Top Dog Underdog 81

      • If you’re living in a family where someone behaves irresponsiblyor self-destructively it’s normal to take up the slack and assumeincreased responsibilities and control in order to protect the safetyand stability of the family. It seems obvious that you’re doing the“right” thing and the other person isn’t 81

        But soon you end up in aparental role and start minding other people’s business. Perhaps youwere attracted to an irresponsible or dependent person in the firstplace allowing you to be a caretaker and in control 81

        You wouldn’tfeel close in a relationship with someone who has no problem tosolve — who wouldn’t need you. You’re used to being Top Doglooking down on Underdog 81

      Enabling 82

      • Enabling refers to caretaking that removes the natural consequencesof someone’s irresponsible behavior 82

        It also includes handlingresponsibilities for someone that they can and should be handling 82

        Often Underdog will badger blame and manipulate Top Dog intoenabling 82

        Originally enablers were co-alcoholics who suffered theconsequences of the alcoholic’s drinking and did their best to literallyclean up after the alcoholic made excuses to the boss and friends got the alcoholic into bed and bailed him or her out of jail and othermesses. 82

        The conclusion was that alcoholics would remain in denialand never get sober until they suffered the consequences of their disease and that the pressure to change would come not from others’persuasion but from the alcoholics’ own experience of the seriousdamage alcoholism was causing in their lives 82

        Today enabling is morewidely applied to behavior that enables anyone to continue acting ina self-destructive manner. 82

        Enablers have a warped sense of responsibilityand feel extremely guilty not enabling even though they’re notresponsible for the problems created by others 82

      Denial 82

      • Denial is an inability to acknowledge the truth of something. It’sconsidered the hallmark of addiction and that applies to codependents too.

        Denial can prolong codependency for years or decades

        You’re as likely to be in denial concerning the addiction of someoneclose to you as you are of your own addiction to others —your codependency. 82

        You put aside and deny what you know to betrue because you’re dependent upon the relationship 82

        You pretendand act as if things are normal when they’re far from it worseningthe problem and deflecting accountability from the irresponsibleperson in your life 82

        By comparison you may think you’re actingsanely and unselfishly yet if denial progresses your behaviorbecomes increasingly irrational and motivated by self-interest 82

        Children of addicts often deny that their parents’ problems affectedthem believing that leaving home or the addict-parent’s recoveryput an end to their problems

        They don’t realize that they’re stillaffected nor want to think about their painful childhood

        Even ifthey only had an alcoholic grandparent this made their parentcodependent and as a result they’ve been affected as well.

        Codependents also are unaware of their needs wants and feelings.Even if you’re conscious of your feelings you may feel too vulnerableto express them fear rejection or think that you’re selfish needy or self-indulgent like Stanley in the previous example. Instead youwait depend on and expect others to fill your needs without beingasked or become self-reliant and not depend on anyone. When ignoringyour needs and feelings you assess what others need and feel togauge your response. Many of the characteristics of codependencyare both symptoms of this denial and further reinforce it becausewhen you’re focused on someone else you don’t feel yourself.

      Painful Emotions

      • Despite being in denial codependents still experience churningemotions. Predominant are anger and resentment and moodswings from fear and anxiety to hopelessness and despair. All ofthis stress over time leads to depression which is a lack of feeling

        Fear and anxiety

        Fear can breed anxiety and anxiety can create fear

        common fears

        • fears of abandonment
        • rejection
        • intimacy
        • criticism
        • power
        • success
        • failure
        • fear of being themselves
        • fear of being alone
        • fear of of showing their feelings
        • fear of others’ reactions

        If you live with a drug addict or abuser it’s natural to fear foryour safety and the safety of your children and the addict.

        You’reliving in a war zone never knowing when or where a bomb willdrop.

        You’re afraid your wife can’t care for the children or yourhusband won’t go to work or will be fired.

        Will he return homesafe and sober?

        You may dread the sound of opening cans or hiscar arriving home and answering questions from debt collectors concerned friends and relatives or police at your door

        You don’thave a chance to recover from one disaster before another onehits.

        You learn to fear family holidays that end up a battlegroundor another disappointment.

        Somehow you learn to live with constant fights insecurity even suicide attempts and still try togo to work raise children and maintain an appearance of normalcy.This has become your normal; a life lived in terror is NOTnormal.

        When codependents aren’t afraid they’re anxious.

        Unpredictabilityand powerlessness add to anxiety.

        Our bodies are designed torespond to fear by fighting or fleeing but when you can neitherescape nor control a situation anxiety results. Interspersed withrationalizations and fantasies about how they’d like things to be you project your fears into the future — even when there’s noevidence that they will occur.

        Worry and obsession grow. Yourehearse the negative and live on the edge of “What if . . .” anotherfight binge or financial crisis. You become guarded and constantlywalk on eggshells. Gradually you become more isolatedfrom friends and family which escalates your feelings

      Anger and resentment

      • Codependents have anger for good reason. It’s a healthy reactionto someone who constantly breaks promises and commitments violates your boundaries disappointments you and orbetrays your trust. Many codependents feel trapped burdenedwith troubles responsible for children and saddled with financialproblems. They don’t see a way out and yet still love the one theyblame for their woes or feel too guilty to leave. Some are angry atGod yet it’s codependency that is the root of their anger

        Anger is a powerful energy that seeks expression. Sometimes actionis required to correct a wrong. It needn’t be loud or hurtful

      Anger Outcome Forms

      • Sarcasm
      • Tone of voice
      • Cold looks
      • Slamming doors
      • Withholding love
      • Withholding sex
      • Silence
      • Forgetting
      • Being late

      late stages of codependency

      • A chronic sense of inferiority and shame
      • Unending crises that you can’t escape
      • Having a series of unsuccessful relationships
      • Being trapped in an unhappy relationship
      • Feeling defeated by daily stress and lack of safety and peace
      • Loneliness
      • Never getting your needs met
      • Loss of faith in the possibility of change for a better future
      • Feeling abandoned by God

      Despair can lead to depression — feeling numbness and a lackof feeling as if life had been drained from you.

      You lose interestin things. You may feel sad or cry but without relief. Depressioncan result from “de-pressing” or holding down feelings especiallyanger. Negative self-talk also causes depression

      Many codependents have a chronic low-grade depression of whichthey’re unaware

      The excitement of romance sex an unavailablepartner melodramatic relationships a busy schedule and the tasksof being a caretaker provide sufficient stimulation and distractionfrom the depression that’s just beneath the surface. A peaceful relationshipor calm environment would soon be “boring ” without theadrenalin that drama and stress to mask underlying depression

      Physical Symptoms

  • Chapter 4: So Are You Codependent?
    • 8 Codependency Assessment
      • 1. Fear:
        • a. Do you become preoccupied with the problems ofothers especially those of the user?
        • b. Do you try to “keep things under control” or “keep ahandle” on situations?
        • c. Do you take more than your fair share of responsibilityfor tasks that have to be done?
        • d. Are you afraid to approach others directly in particularlythe user?
        • e. Do you often have anxious feelings or worry about whatwill happen next?
        • f. Do you avoid taking risks with others because it is hardfor you to trust?
      • 2. Shame Guilt:
        • a. Do you often feel ashamed not only about your behavior but also about the behavior of others especially theuser?

          b. Do you feel guilty about the problems of others in yourfamily?

          c. Do you withdraw from social contact when you’re feelingupset?

          d. Do you sometimes hate yourself?

          e. Do you ever cover up bad feelings about yourself byacting too confidently?

      • 3. Prolonged Despair:
        • a. Do you often feel hopeless about changing the currentsituation?

          b. Do you tend to be pessimistic about the world in general?

          c. Do you have a sense of low self-worth or failure thatdoes not reflect your skills and accomplishments?

      • 4. Rage:
        • a. Do you feel persistently angry with the user otherfamily members or yourself?

          b. Are you afraid of losing control if you let yourself getreally mad?

          c. Are you angry at God?

          d. Do you ever get back at others in sneaky ways perhapswithout being fully aware of this behavior at the time?

      • 5. Denial:
        • a. Do you feel yourself denying the basic problems in yourfamily?
        • b. Do you tell yourself that these problems are not that bad?
        • c. Do you find reasons to justify the irresponsible behaviorof others in your family?
      • 6. Rigidity:
        • a. Do you tend to think in either or terms when there areproblems instead of looking at many alternatives?

          b. Do you feel troubled if anyone upsets your usual routines?

          c. Do you tend to see moral issues in black-and-whiteterms?

          d. Do you “get stuck” in certain feelings such as guilt loveor anger?

      • 7. Impaired Identity Development:
        • a. Do you have trouble asking for what you want and need?
        • b. Do you feel pain right along with another person who isin pain?
        • c. Do you need to have another person around in order foryou to feel worthwhile?
        • d. Do you worry a great amount about how othersperceive you?
      • 8. Confusion:
        • a. Do you wonder what it means to be “normal”?
        • b. Do you sometimes think that you must be “crazy”?
        • c. Do you find it difficult at times to identify what you arefeeling?
        • d. Do you have a tendency to be taken in by others — tobe gullible?
        • e. Do you have a hard time making up your mind — areyou indecisive?
    • 25 Composite Codependency Scale 0
      • 1. I try to control events and people through helplessness guilt coercion threats advice-giving manipulation ordomination 0

        2. I become afraid to let other people be who they are andallow events to happen naturally 0

        3. I try to control events and how other people should behave 0

        4. I feel compelled or forced to help people solve their problems(for example offering advice) 0

        5. I feel that without my effort and attention everythingwould fall apart 0

        6. I live too much by other people’s standards 0

        7. I put on a show to impress people; I am not the person Ipretend to be 0

        8. In order to get along and be liked I need to be what peoplewant me to be 0

        9. I need to make excuses or apologize for myself most of thetime 0

        10. I always put the needs of my family before my own needs 0

        11. It is my responsibility to devote my energies to helpingloved ones solve their problems 0

        12. No matter what happens the family always comes first 0

        13. I often put the needs of others ahead of my own 0

        14. What I feel isn’t important as long as those I love are okay 0

        15. Because it is selfish I cannot put my own needs before theneeds of others 0

        16. If I work hard enough I should be able to solve almost anyproblem or make things better for people 0

        17. Feelings often build up inside me that I do not express 0

        18. I keep my emotions under tight control 0

        19. I keep my feelings to myself and put up a good front 0

        20. It makes me uncomfortable to share my feelings withothers 0

        21. I don’t usually let others see the “real me” 1

        22. I hide myself so that no-one really knows me 1

        23. I push painful thoughts and feelings out of my awareness 1

        24. Very often I don’t try to become friends with peoplebecause I think that they won’t like me 1

        25. I put on a happy face when I am really sad or angry 1

    • 5 Codependent Patterns 1
      • 1. Denial patterns 1
        • I have difficulty identifying what I am feeling 1
        • I minimize alter or deny how I truly feel 1
        • I perceive myself as completely unselfish and dedicated to thewell-being of others. 1
        • I lack empathy for the feelings and needs of others 1
        • I label others with my negative traits 1
        • I can take care of myself without any help from others 1
        • I mask my pain in various ways such as anger humor orisolation 1
        • I express negativity or aggression in indirect and passive ways 1
        • I do not recognize the unavailability of those people to whom Iam attracted. 1
      • 2. Low self-esteem patterns 1
        • I have difficulty making decisions 1
        • I judge what I think say or do harshly as never good enough. 1
        • I am embarrassed to receive recognition praise or gifts 1
        • I value others’ approval of my thinking feelings and behaviorover my own 1
        • I do not perceive myself as a lovable or worthwhile person 1
        • I constantly seek recognition that I think I deserve 1
        • I have difficulty admitting that I made a mistake 2
        • I need to appear to be right in the eyes of others and will evenlie to look good 2
        • I am unable to ask others to meet my needs or desires 2
        • I perceive myself as superior to others 2
        • I look to others to provide my sense of safety 2
        • I have difficulty getting started meeting deadlines and completingprojects 2
        • I have trouble setting healthy priorities 2
      • 3. Compliance patterns 2
        • I am extremely loyal remaining in harmful situations too long 2
        • I compromise my own values and integrity to avoid rejectionor anger 2
        • I put aside my own interests in order to do what others want 2
        • I am hypervigilant regarding the feelings of others and take onthose feelings 2
        • I am afraid to express my beliefs opinions and feelings whenthey differ from those of others. 2
        • I accept sexual attention when I want love 2
        • I make decisions without regard to the consequences 2
        • I give up my truth to gain the approval of others or to avoidchange 2
      • 4. Control patterns 2
        • I believe most people are incapable of taking care of themselves 2
        • I attempt to convince others what to think do or feel. 2
        • I freely offer advice and direction to others without being asked. 2
        • I become resentful when others decline my help or reject myadvice 2
        • I lavish gifts and favors on those I want to influence 2
        • I use sexual attention to gain approval and acceptance 2
        • I have to be needed in order to have a relationship with others 2
        • I demand that my needs be met by others 2
        • I use charm and charisma to convince others of my capacity tobe caring and compassionate 3
        • I use blame and shame to emotionally exploit others 3
        • I refuse to cooperate compromise or negotiate 3
        • I adopt an attitude of indifference helplessness authority orrage to manipulate outcomes. 3
        • I use terms of recovery in an attempt to control the behavior ofothers 3
        • I pretend to agree with others to get what I want 3
      • 5. Avoidance patterns 3
        • I act in ways that invite others to reject shame or expressanger toward me 3

          I judge harshly what others think say or do 3

          I avoid emotional physical or sexual intimacy as a means ofmaintaining distance 3

          I allow my addictions to people places and things to distractme from achieving intimacy in relationships. 3

          I use indirect and evasive communication to avoid conflict orconfrontation 3

          I diminish my capacity to have healthy relationships by decliningto use all the tools of recovery 3

          I suppress my feelings or needs to avoid feeling vulnerable 3

          I pull people toward me but when they get close I push themaway 3

          I refuse to give up my self-will to avoid surrendering to a powerthat is greater than myself 3

          I believe displays of emotion are a sign of weakness 3

          I withhold expressions of appreciation 3

  • Part II: Breaking the Cycle of Codependency: Beginning Recovery
  • Chapter 5: Crossing De-Nile to Recovery
    • Why You Experience Denial 7
      • Plain and simple denial is a defense mechanism. Everyone does it.It’s the first defense that our brain is capable of using. It operatesautomatically and unconsciously. The brain can actually distortsensory information and interpret it in such a way that makes factsnonthreatening using some of the following strategies to blockwhat’s going on. Because it’s unconscious it’s difficult to spot inyourself. 7
    • 4 Reasons codependents deny 8
      • 1. To avoid painful thoughts or feelings if you were to face thefacts about someone you love yourself or your relationships 8

        2. To avoid emotional conflict with someone else or conflictwithin yourself about making difficult choices or taking actionthat may bring about pain or loss 8

        3. To avoid a perceived threat usually of loss abandonment physical or emotional harm serious illness or death 8

        4. To cope with a shock or trauma often caused by physical sexual or emotional abuse that may have happened long ago 8

    • 6 Suspects – Why You Experience Denial 7
      • 1. Forgetting 7
        • Overlooking something that you don’t want to do 7
      • 2. Self-deception 7
        • Believing the opposite or variation of the truth 7
      • 3. Lying 7
        • Asserting the opposite of the truth (different from a lie) 7
      • 4. Minimizing 7
        • Making less of something than is the reality 7
      • 5. Rationalizing 7
        • Justifying with excuses or arguments 7
      • 6. Repressing 7
        • Removing awareness of feelings thoughts needs desires traumatic events or memories 7
    • 4 Levels of Denial 8
      • Level 1: Denial about someone’sbehavior or addiction 8
        • The first level of denial is denying that someone in your life hasan addiction or that his or her behavior is causing a problem or isnegatively affecting you. 8

          You may have grown up with addiction or the problem behaviorin your family so it feels familiar and normal 9

          Addicts and abusers don’t like to take responsibility for theirbehavior. They deny it and blame other codependents whoare willing to accept this as the truth 9

          Growing up in dysfunctional families you learn to not trustyour perceptions and what you know 9

          Acknowledging the truth would cause feelings of shamebecause of the stigma attached to addiction and abuse 9

          Low self-esteem lowers your expectations of being treated well 9

          You lack information about the signs of addiction and abuse 9

          How do you know if you’re in denial? 101

          • Do you spend time thinking about how you’d like things to be? 101

            Do you say to yourself “If only he (or she) would . . .?” 101

            Do you make excuses for someone to others? To yourself? 101

            Do you minimize or rationalize bad behavior or your hurtfeelings? 101

            Do you believe promises or assurances that have been broken? 101

            Do you think the relationship or behavior will improve whensome future event occurs (like a vacation job offer engagement or having a baby)? 101

            Do you continue to make concessions or change yourself hoping that the relationship or the person’s behavior willimprove? 101

            Do you cover up or not reveal to family or friends aspects ofyour relationship that embarrass you? 101

      • Level 2: Denial that my codependencyis part of the problem 101
        • Generally if confronted codependents deny their codependency.This is level 2. Codependents believe that they have no choicesabout their situation and or blame others. They deny their owndisease to avoid deeper pain 101

          Another reason that it may be difficult for you to admit you havea problem and seek help is because you’re not used to looking atyourself. 101

          Focusing on others protects you from facing your painand taking responsibility for your own happiness 101

          It keeps youstuck pursuing the fruitless goal of trying to change others or lookingfor the right person to make you happy based on the erroneouspremise that your happiness lies in others. 101

          Blaming others orfeeling superior to them is a way to avoid looking at yourself 101

      • Level 3: I’m fine thank you —denial of feelings
        • Codependents are usually good at knowing what other peoplefeel and spend a lot of time worrying about them often withresentment but aren’t much aware of other feelings and may noteven be aware of their resentment.

          This denial of feelings is level3. When people are obsessing about their addiction — whetherit’s to a person food sex work or a drug — it’s usually a distractionfrom what they’re really feeling.

          If you ask them how they’refeeling they say “I’m fine ” or ask what they’re feeling they say“Nothing.”

          They understand physical pain but not emotionalpain because they’re in denial of their true feelings which wouldbe upsetting to experience.

          Growing up they never learned toidentify their feelings nor felt safe expressing them especiallyif they had no one to comfort them. Instead they buried andrepressed their feelings.

          Awareness offeelings is vital to healthy interactions with others

          Fear tells you to avoid danger including people who mayharm you emotionally.

          Anger tells you that action is required to right a wrong or tomake changes

          Healthy guilt helps you act congruently with your values

          Sadness helps you let go and encourages empathy and humanconnection.

          Shame helps you fit in to society and keeps you from harmingothers.

          Loneliness motivates you to reach out to others

          When you deny or repress feelings you can get stuck. The feelingnever gets released and stays in your unconscious — sometimesfor years

          When you deny your feelings it keeps you from respondingappropriately and creates more problems

          In some cases you canidentify the feeling but have denied its buried repressed meaning.When this happens you can still remain fixed in a cycle of reexperiencingthe feeling and repeating the associated behavior because the deeper pain isn’t resolved.

      • Level 4: You don’t know what you’remissing — denial of needs
        • Expressing needs in the context of a relationship requires trust so you’d feel particularly vulnerable around needs that requirethe participation of another person and deny and or feel ashamedof your needs for support nurturance and the most human ofall — the need for love. Even if you know that you were loved ifyou never received nurturing or had your feelings respected youmay attempt to fill this void with an addiction. Addictive relationshipsserve as a substitute for real connection. Some people arecaretakers who hope to receive love in return but are unable toexperience real intimacy or maintain an intimate relationship

          Good parents make it safe for children to ask for what they want.Then as adults they’re able to identify their needs function on theirown and express their needs. If key needs were shamed or ignoredin your childhood you grow up doing the same to yourself and shutdown feelings associated with those needs. Why feel a need if youdon’t expect it to be filled? It’s less painful to deny it entirely

          Codependents are very good at anticipating and filling the needs ofothers yet they deny or minimize their own needs

          On the other extremeare those who demand and expect everyone else to meet theirneeds. Some codependents were neglected and basic physicalneeds weren’t met. If they were abused they may never have experiencedsafety in a relationship and don’t expect it — somethingnormally consider a prerequisite.

          needs that was never filled

          • Autonomy
          • Nurturance
          • Integrity
          • Respect
          • Love
          • Friendship
          • Mental stimulation
          • Beauty
          • Peace
          • Inspiration
          • Appreciation
          • Security and safety
          • Creativity
          • Meaning
          • Play
          • Humor
          • Passi won
          • Trust
          • Community
          • Pleasure

          Many who don’t recognize their needs for support and comfortisolate — especially when they’re hurting. Even with awareness oftheir needs asking someone to meet them can feel humiliating

    • Peeling the Onion’s Layers
      • As you progress in recovery you uncover more levels of denialbecause you don’t know what you don’t know. The expression“peeling an onion” is apt because gaining awareness of unconsciousmaterial is an ongoing process like peeling back layers of an onion
  • Chapter 6: The Process of Recovery
    • Recovery Is for You
      • Change requires you to take responsibility for your contribution toyour problems. With it comes the awareness that today’s choicesare the seeds of tomorrow’s change or stagnation best describedby Eldridge Cleaver who famously said “If you are not part of thesolution then you are part of the problem.” Think about what hasstopped you from taking action in the past or makes you hesitatenow

        steps involved in making changes

        • 1. Thinking about the problem
        • 2. Seeking answers listening and gathering information
        • 3. Taking responsibility and realizing YOU have to change
        • 4. Getting motivated
        • 5. Planning and preparing for action
        • 6. Attending meetings counseling and workshops
        • 7. Using self-discipline to stay focused on your goal
        • 8. Repeating action steps to achieve and maintain results

        The spiral nature of recovery

        • The recovery process is not a straight path; rather it is a cyclical spiral movement forward like a Slinky. Cycles are repetitions. Thinkof cycles of migration the seasons and planetary revolutions 701

          in healing you don’t go back to the very beginning –

          Recovery spiralstoward healing meaning an improved state of functioning. –

        Make recovery a priority 35

        • Many people begin recovery to be out of pain to help someoneelse or to save a relationship. These are fine reasons to start but for change to last you must be committed to yourself

          Thepain will lessen the “someone” may or may not improve or therelationship may end but you’re still left with yourself. When youmake your recovery a priority you reap the benefits. It’s yourlife and with recovery you discover the keys to your happiness which is your responsibility whether or not you’re in a relationship.If you’re depressed given time you’ll be depressed in or outof a relationship — the same goes for other codependent traits

          Codependency robs you of your vibrancy contentment health and the ability to fully be yourself which is the only thing that willmake you happy in the long run.

          Putting yourself first is difficult. You’re used to making others a priority.That’s the problem. To develop a new skill or build a muscle you must exercise regularly not when you get around to it. Thesame goes for new beliefs and habits. Act as if your recovery wasthe most treasured gift in the world — because it is. In time you’llknow that you’re worthy of it.

    • Seeking Help and Support 595
      • Codependent relationships and families tend to be closed meaningthat you become isolated from outside information and the community.The best way to recover is to step beyond the family becausethose relationships are restrictive 595

        In cases where addiction is involved often shame andfear prevent people from reaching out 595

        In an abusive relationship the abuser like a dictator maintains control distrusts outsiders and disallows external influence. It’s important not to believe orgive in to messages of distrust and fear. 595

        Attend Twelve Step meetings 0 721

        Seek psychotherapy 1 357

        Understand constructive vs.destructive friendships 3

        Friends can provide tremendous help or major harm to your recovery.Most people inject their own opinions and are unable to listenobjectively 3

        Helpful friends listen and don’t judge you but areable to gently point out when you’re not being honest or kind withyourself or have unrealistic expectations. 3

    • Be Gentle with Yourself 3
      • In reading this book and beginning recovery you gain self-awareness.You may feel overwhelmed by information want to change quickly or feel self-critical. You could think you’re falling short of who youthought you were who you’d like to be or who you’d like othersto see. Be patient and instead of judging yourself act as if you’redoing research — collecting data on your behavior. Even get excitedwhen you find a shortcoming. Your awareness is growing which isthe beginning of change. Good parents don’t criticize the baby forfalling when he’s learning to walk but applaud his efforts. Whenyou see yourself in your old behavior patterns think about whatyou’ve learned and tell yourself “Next time I’ll have an opportunityto handle things differently.” Remember that recovery is a process.It took a long time to become who you are and it takes time tounlearn habits and beliefs that don’t serve you 3 530
    • What If You’re Not a Believer? 4
    • Should You Tell the Addict or Your Partner? 4
  • Chapter 7: How Did You Become Codependent?
    • Mommy and Me — A Psychodynamic View 5
      • Children are born vulnerable full of needs and dependent on theircaretakers for everything. To grow they need touch as much asfood — plus attention empathy nurturing and security. Babies areso dependent on their mothers that they don’t know their bodiesare separate. The mother’s every response or lack of responseimpacts her child. Because most of her actions are spontaneous andunconscious who she is psychologically has greater influence thaneven what she does. For example the way a mother holds nurses and touches her baby communicates her sense of anxiety or security love or disinterest impatience or attentiveness 5 596

        Key to the separation-individuation process and the formationof a healthy Self is the mother’s ability to mirror the child’s feelings.She does this by empathically and intuitively matching herresponses to her child’s needs and ever-fluctuating feelings. Shejoins in her child’s glee and remains calm and present with herbaby’s sadness containing and diffusing intense feelings. Sheempathizes names and reflects her child’s feelings back accurately teaching it to recognize trust and respond to its internalfeelings perceptions and thoughts because “all-knowing Mommy”has validated them. Healthy boundaries prevent a mother frompersonalizing her child’s feelings. She’s able to acknowledge thather child has perceptions feelings and needs different from andeven in conflict with hers 6

        Generally deficient or inadequate mirroring reflects a mother’sincomplete Self which is how codependency becomes generational.It results from the mother’s emotional unavailabilityand lack of empathy. If her toddler cries over a broken toy andshe’s pre-occupied or dismissive her child will feel abandoned. 7 5

        Faulty mirroring can occur even when a mother gives her childan extraordinary amount of attention if it isn’t in response to the child’s particular need but is instead a manifestation of themother’s need for mirroring that she never received as a child. Forinstance a mother may talk excitedly to her baby in a way that’sintrusive or over-stimulating. The mother’s defective mirroringmay be caused by he 7 5

        Weak boundaries are typical of codependents. The mother’sempathy will be inaccurate because psychologically she seesher child as an extension of herself — as an opportunity for herto feel needed valuable important lovable and complete. Sheunconsciously only reinforces her baby’s responses that boost herself-esteem. When her child is upset she’s unable to contain andmirror him or her. She may be overwhelmed frightened or impatientwith her baby’s continuous crying or feel wounded by herchild’s rebellious anger and react by withdrawing or scolding 7 1

        With inadequate mirroring children learn that their needs feelings and thoughts are unimportant wrong and shameful. Repeatedinstances teach children that love and approval come with meetingtheir mothers’ needs and for survival they repress their needs andfeelings and tune in to the mother’s expectations and emotions.A child’s Self becomes organized around pleasing and performingfor others’ approval in order to feel loved. Instead of developing astrong sense of Self and awareness of needs feelings and thoughts the individual’s worth becomes determined by others and later heor she enters relationships based on need. If a mother is chronicallyunable to meet a child’s needs he or she feels lost and abandoned since there is no object to validate the Self’s existence. The childmay become apathetic depressed or anxious later leading to selfstimulatingor over-stimulating behavior such as compulsive masturbation addiction or dangerous risk-taking. 7 321

        Codependent mothers may unconsciously fail to support theirchildren’s emerging drive for independence. Instead the mothers’needs and automatic responses cripple their children by keepingthem dependent and consequently codependent as adults. Onthe other hand mothers who feel burdened by their children’sneeds may encourage independence prematurely overwhelmingthe child due to its limited capacity to sustain itself 7 586

        With enough faulty maternal interactions instead of developing aharmonious and vital Self these children’s emotional functioningbecomes distorted. As adults they engage in futile and desperateattempts to control and or please others in order to satisfy theirown unidentified needs. Without conscious awareness and empathywith their interior Selves they treat themselves and others asobjects and being alone or too much intimacy threaten them withnonexistence or dissolution 8 6

    • It’s a Dysfunctional World 8 33
      • The numbersnearly add up to everyone when you count another 20 percent ofAmericans with a serious mental illness. Addiction is the leadingcause of family dysfunction along with chronic illness abuse andtrauma. Society is addicted to legal and illegal drugs as well asrelationships romance sex money work gambling food exercise consumption speed tweeting cell phones and the Internet among other things. 8 260

        Another factor contributing to family dysfunction is the highdivorce rate in America. One-third of children don’t live with bothparents. 8 260

        Divorce is a trauma that almost always exposes childrento conflict crisis loss and some degree of abandonment. Manyof those spousal relationships were likely dysfunctional beforedivorcing. Moreover increased stress due to economic and healthconcerns adds to greater conflict and instability mental illness and less attention given to children 8 260

    • Healthy vs. Dysfunctional Families — A Family Systems View 8
      • Family systems theorists view families as living organisms. Thehealth and behavior of the parts are dependent upon each otherand the whole and vice versa. Parents establish and enforcethe rules and model behavior and communication. Cooperationbetween them is essential for optimal family functioning. Throughinteractions with your parents you learn life lessons 8 587
    • 10 Life Lessons Questions 9
      • 1. How to identify needs and feelings 9

        2. Whether your needs and feelings matter 9

        3. How to nurture yourself 9

        4. Ways to get needs met from others (which may be dysfunctionalsuch as whining tantrums begging lying) 9

        5. How to meet your own needs 9

        6. Whether authority can be trusted 9

        7. What behavior is rewarded (some parents reward negativebehavior with more attention) 9

        8. Whether your authentic Self has value 9

        9. How to resolve conflict by observing and interacting withparent 9

        10. How to solve problems and make decisions by thinkingthrough feelings and consequences 9 72

    • Healthy families 9 72
    • 6 Ingredients of healthy families 9 411
      • 1. An open system 9 411
        • Whether it’s a country an organization a family or a person opennessis a sign of health. This is because it allows for freedom ofexpression flow of information flexibility and adaptability whichprolong survival. 9 411

          Healthy families can weather crises because theyare receptive to new ideas talk about them and adjust to the newcircumstances. 9 411

          An open family is not afraid of outside influencesand is often active in the community 9 411

          You can share outside knowledgeand experiences with your family including other aspects ofyour personality expressed in different environments — you don’tlive a double life or always act the role of “Mom” or “kid brother.” 9 411

          Information also flows outward. You don’t fear revealing family“dirty laundry” with outsiders. 9 411

          In an open environment you’re free to express your authenticSelf. 9 563

          You can talk about what you see hear feel and think 9 563

          Therearen’t forbidden topics like sex or money. 9 563

          A parent’s shortcomingor failure isn’t hidden but instead teaches human frailty and thatparents aren’t perfect. Dissent isn’t silenced and family decisionsand values may be questioned and debated. Although all feelingsare allowed expression verbal abuse isn’t tolerated and not allactions are permissible. 9 563

      • 2. Equality for all 120 11
        • Healthy families have an atmosphere of equality respect and fairness. 120 161

          Spouses treat each other as equals setting an example forsiblings. Although parents still make the rules they’re not authoritarian. 120 161

          The family is more egalitarian than hierarchical. Aside fromage-appropriate differences you’re treated equally and older siblingsaren’t allowed to boss younger ones 120 161

          Chores are divided fairlybetween genders. 120 161

          Everyone is accountable including the parents.If they don’t want to be interrupted they don’t interrupt. 120 161

          Theymodel the behavior they teach their children and demonstrate thatit’s alright to make mistakes by apologizing for their own and forgivingthose of others 120 161

      • 3. Everyone is heard 120
        • Communication is honest direct assertive and respectful. Parentslisten and try to understand you and each other 120

          You get a chanceto be heard without being ignored or criticized. Listening to youwith understanding is a sign of respect. 120

          It builds self-esteem honors your individuality and conveys that you and what you sayhave value. 120

          You learn to acknowledge and express your feelingsand needs and gain confidence in yourself and your opinions 120

      • 4. Reasonable consistent rules 120 462
        • family rules 121 3
          • What rules are in your household? 121
          • Are there subjects that are off-limits? 121
          • Is the expression of all feelings including anger permitted? 121
          • Who made the rules? 121
          • Are you allowed to comment on them? 121
          • Are they interfering or accomplishing what you want? 121
          • What happens if you disagree on a rule? 121
          • Are they up to date or do you need new rules? 121

          Every family has rules — some overt and some covert. If you’vehad a job where you didn’t know what was expected you knowhow stressful that can be. 120 614

          In healthy families rules and punishmentsare expressed consistent humane and reasonable 120 614

          Thisproduces a secure environment. You learn to internalize a safe consistent environment and thereby are able to calm and modulateyour feelings. 120 614

          Rules are also flexible and rational and maybe questioned and commented upon. They make sense to you and you aren’t blamed or shamed but told that you broke a rule. 120 614

          Punishments are fair and related to rule violations. They guide andpersuade you to learn from your mistakes. You’re not told you’re“bad ” nor is love withheld which is cruel 120 614

      • 5. Finding solutions 121
        • Key to positive relationships is the ability to problem-solve andresolve conflict 121

          Rather than have recurringfights over the same problem spouses are able to settle disagreements solve problems and involve older children in decisionmakingthat affects them 121

          Parents also guide and teach you how to make decisions by beingsupportive and encouraging and helping you to think through consequencesof your choices 121

          Healthy parenting gives you optionsand allows you to make age-appropriate decisions for yourself 121

          Too much or too little involvement handicaps your ability to makeplans and decisions as an adult 121

      • 6. Loving relationships 121 553
        • In addition to respect healthy families have an atmosphere ofacceptance trust security caring and good-will 121 553

          This begins withthe spousal relationship which is based on love and empathy not control 121 553

          Family members protect and help each other. It’s aplace where you get nurtured encouraged and supported whenyou’re hurt or down. 121 553

          Inevitably there’ll be conflicts and anger butbecause love isn’t withheld nor undermined by abuse peace soonreturns. You can trust your parents and know that you’re lovedunconditionally — even when you make mistakes or disappointthem. 121 553

          You grow into a responsible happy and confident adult accustomed to love and reliability and being treated with respectand kindness. You won’t allow anything less 121 553

    • Dysfunctional families -189
      • Many dysfunctional families look healthy on the outside but theinternal dynamics revolve around a family member’s addiction abuse illness or trauma. Other families are dysfunctional dueto rigid control or lack of love which can cause the children tobecome codependent. 75

        The strongest predictor of codependency ishaving codependent parents 75

        Codependency usually starts with the repression of feelings needs observations and thoughts that is typical in dysfunctionalfamilies. 75

        You learn to numb your hurt distrust your parents andbecome self-sufficient 75

        You hide behind a false or phony personalityand or develop compulsive behaviors to cope 75

    • 11 Symptoms dysfunctional family 75
      • 1. We vs. them 302
        • Dysfunctional families are closed to varying degrees. Some won’tallow differing or new ideas to be discussed among members orwith outsiders. They may not welcome guests or friendships withthose of another race or religion 302

          Think about boundaries between generations 126 165

          Did you have to perform adult tasks or assume adultresponsibilities? 126 165

          Did a parent inappropriately confide with you? 126 165

          Did a parent ask you to talk to your other parent for him or her? 126 165

          Did you believe you had a special relationship with a parentwho excluded your other parent? 126 165

          How did you feel in each of these situations? 126 165

          Talkingabout the family to others is considered disloyal. At bottom areshame and fears of dissimilar ideas. 302

      • 2. Denial 302
        • What truths were dismissed or ignored in your family? 123 -138

          How did your parents do that? 123 -138

          How did it affect you? 123 -138

          Family problems and crises such as a member’s absence illness or addiction never get talked about. Parents think that if they tryto act normal and pretend the problem doesn’t exist maybe it’ll goaway and children won’t notice or be harmed 489

          However this pretense makes youdoubt your perceptions because what you see and know aren’tacknowledged by authority figures. You learn not to question ortrust your parents nor trust your perceptions feelings or yourself even as an adult. 489

          Denial conveys to children that they can’t talkabout something frightening — even to each other. Sadly frightenedchildren sharing the same bedroom who overhear their parentsfight live in fear but often hide their pain from each other. Ifyou repress your feelings observations and reactions — not once but on a regular basis you become numb and depressed 489

      • 3. Secrets 123 -138
        • Closed systems have secrets. Some families hide a shameful secretfor generations — whether it’s addiction violence criminal activity sexual issues or mental illness. The shame is felt by the children —even when they don’t know the secret. If you know the secret butcan’t ask questions or talk about it you feel different damaged orashamed. 123 126
      • 4. Individual and generational boundary problems 125 1
        • Good parenting requires having appropriate and flexible boundariesthat respect your individuality and separateness. In healthy families parents respect your emotional mental sexual and physicalboundaries. 125 77

          In dysfunctional families boundaries are rigid blurred or a mixture. 125 77

          Whenboundaries are too rigid family members are disengaged emotionallyand physically. There may be no feeling of closeness nor affectionshowed. As adults siblings are emotionally distant and familiesdon’t often celebrate together. 125 77

          In other families boundaries are nonexistentor enmeshed. It teaches you that you have no right to setboundaries. Family members gossip and over-react to each other give unwanted advice and invade personal boundaries. Any form ofabuse violates boundaries. Other families are mixed. Children maybe enmeshed with a parent but distant from siblings. 125 77

          Some controlling parents take over your decisions and controlyour hobbies school courses friends and dress. Parents may alsoinvade your boundaries by prying reading your mail questioningyour friends about you or ransacking or taking your belongingswithout permission. 125

          They resist your urge to separate because theywant to be needed. Natural independence is seen as disloyalty andabandonment and you may either rebel or feel guilty when you tryto set boundaries with your parents and with others as an adult. 125

          There’re also generational boundaries between parents and children. 125 455

          Yours were violated if you were put in an adult role. Thismay have happened if one parent became overly close with youand used you as a companion as a confidante to discuss yourparent’s relationship or personal problems or as an ally againstyour other parent. 125 455

          That parent was using you as an emotional surrogatefor the lack of intimacy between your parents and or as anally or pawn in their power struggles. After a divorce generationalboundaries are often disrespected when one parent uses a child toconvey messages to the other parent 125 455

      • 5. Blame and shame — dysfunctional communication 126 354
        • Conflicts between parents frighten children who also often bearthe brunt of their parents’ anger. -35

          Children can become a battleground for couples who don’t communicate -35

          Instead of fightingdirectly parents scapegoat a child by making their child the problemand center of their anger and dissatisfaction with one another. -35

          They argue about their child or parenting and the child feels confusedand torn between them. This also happens frequently beforeand after a divorce -35

          Double messages -86

          • Double messages happen when a parent says one thing and doesanother or makes contradictory demands. Examples are a motherwho says she’s “Fine” while she’s crying a father who teaches“Never lie” but claims his 13-year-old is 12 in order to buy acheaper ticket or a mother who takes a child shopping and says “Pick out whatever you want” but will only buy what she wants -86

          walls of silence

          • Sometimes there are walls of silence or the communication isirrelevant to what’s happening. Children learn not to ask questionsor comment on distressing happenings

            You feel abandoned andisolated from being forced to manage your feelings alone whichis more damaging than the actual events.

            You’re afraid to expressyour thoughts and feelings and “walk on eggshells” because you’reused to being blamed shamed ignored or dismissed.

            Directly orindirectly you’ve been told not to feel or think what you do. Theresult is that over time you repress your inner life and turn offinternal cues that give you data about reality and yourself. As anadult you no longer can identify your feelings and don’t trust youropinions and thoughts.

            you may have been shamed to feel unworthy of love success or anything good or pleasurable. When parents withholdlove or blame and shame their children the shame and fear ofabandonment become internalized

          shaming messages 368

          • “You’re a sissy (bad) (dumb) (lazy) (selfish).”
          • “Shame on you.”
          • “Be a man.”
          • “That didn’t hurt.”
          • “I’ve sacrificed for you.”
          • “Act like a lady.”
          • “How can you do this to me?”
          • “You’re spoiled.”
          • “Grow up.”
          • “Act your age.”
          • “You’re too sensitive.”
          • “Who do you think you are?”
          • “You shouldn’t feel ___.”
          • “We wanted a girl (or boy).”
          • “You’re driving me crazy.”
          • “If it hadn’t been for you . . .”
          • “You can’t do anything right.”
          • “You’ll never amount to anything.”

          Indirect 126 354

          Abusive 126 354

          Dishonest 126 354

          Contains double messages 126 354

          Disallows freedom of expression 126 505

          Invalidates reality and children’s feelings and thoughts 126 505

          Blames 126 505

          Shames 126 505

          Engages in frequent fighting 126 505

          Scapegoats children 126 505

      • 6. Rigid rules 192
        • In some families parents are irresponsible and rules are too lax.Their children lack guidance and don’t feel safe and cared for

          Other dysfunctional families have rigid restrictive rules

          A controllingparenting style can lead to codependency in the children

          Rules often are unspoken like prohibitions about commenting onwhat’s going on the family secret and or subjects deemed “inappropriate ”such as death the holocaust grandpa’s limp or thatfather was married before.

          When rules expect perfection there’sno room for mistakes. Some families restrict the expression ofanger exuberance or crying. There are religious families whereyou’re always expected to feel grateful and forgiving and mustdeny your feelings of hurt anger and disappointment. To curbyour feelings you learn self-control and become overly controlledor controlling all contributing to low self-esteem.

          restrictive rules

          • “Don’t talk back.”
          • “Don’t be direct.”
          • “Don’t be honest. It’s not tactful.”
          • “Be strong perfect and good.”
          • Don’t act silly — it’s immature.”
          • “Don’t express sadness or anger.”
          • “Never praise yourself. It’s conceited.”
          • “It’s selfish to consider your needs or desires.”
          • “Don’t discuss feelings.”
          • “Don’t mention problems.”
          • “I’m right because I said so.”
          • “Don’t ask questions.”
          • “Only trust your family.”
          • “Men only want sex.”
          • “Masturbation is sinful.”
          • “Girls don’t need to go to college.”
          • “Boys and men don’t cry.”
          • “Children should be seen but not heard.”
          • “Eat everything on your plate — like it or not.”
          • “Don’t upset your mother.”
          • “Look at me when I talk to you (while being shamed).”

          There’re some very controlled families that are highly regimented.Order and discipline are valued more than feelings 243

          If you had anauthoritarian parent your self-esteem became dependent uponthat parent’s mood similar to alcoholic families. Studies show acorrelation between codependency and having had a compulsivemother or an authoritarian father regardless of addiction wherethere’s control but little support for your feelings 243

      • 7. Arbitrariness and inconsistency
        • Arbitrary and inconsistent rules are worse than rigid rules. Rulesthat don’t make sense feel unjust

          You never know when you’ll bepunished. This is cruel and breeds confusion feelings of helplessness and unexpressed rage. You live in constant fear walk oneggshells and feel hopeless and resentful because of the unpredictabilityand unfairness.

          Arbitrary punishment undermines yoursense of worth and dignity. You lose respect and trust in yourparents and authority in general. When children are forced tocomply some act-out their emotions with rebellious or delinquentbehavior by doing poorly in school or by using drugs

          Problemsalso arise when parents don’t get along or disagree on parenting.They often contradict each other. You may obey one parent andget punished by the other.

      • 8. Unpredictability
        • Predictability creates safety

          If you never know what mood Momor Dad will be in you can’t be spontaneous and are always anxious.Some families have constant crises due to addiction mentalillness or abuse. Instead of a safe haven the family becomes awar zone from which you want to escape. 734

          Children may developsomatic complaints like headaches and stomach aches. Theybecome controlled to feel safe or act-out behaviorally 734

      • 9. Inability to problem-solve 130 -8
        • Resolving problems and conflicts is key to a smooth-running organization.But in dysfunctional families children and parents areblamed repeatedly and there are constant arguments or silentwalls of resentment. Nothing gets resolved 130 -8
      • 10. Abuse 130 294
        • Neglect 130 785
          • Neglect may happen when parents are physically or mentally ill orabusing drugs 130 785

            It’s the failure of a parent to provide needed food clothing shelter medical care or supervision that threatens achild’s health safety or well-being. 130 785

            Neglected children are robbedof a childhood and have trouble caring for themselves as adults. 130 785

            If they reverse roles and take care of a parent they suffer the addedeffect of generational boundary violations -221

          Physical abuse 81

          • This includes not only violent acts such as hitting kicking biting choking and burning but also shoving slapping pinching hairpulling throwing things destroying property and threats of physicalharm. 81

            Corporal punishment that is done in anger or leavesa burn bruise or welt is also abusive. Most parents have beentempted to strike their child in frustration but if the urge is actedupon it’s motivated by the parent’s emotional need not concern forthe child. 81

            Corporal punishment doesn’t teach correct behavior. Itonly instills fear and shame 81

            Tickling or rough-housing by a parentor older sibling becomes abusive when you want it stopped but areoverpowered or ignored. Continuing is domination by the strongerperson over the weaker. It’s humiliating and disempowering 81

          witness abuse

          • If you witnessed domestic violence or physical abuse of a sibling you were traumatized as if it happened to you. You may feelguilty for not preventing the abuse. This is termed witness abuse

            It includes witnessing a parent violently damage property — likebreaking a door. The rage is what’s terrorizing. You may enjoywatching your father tear down a room to remodel it but be petrifiedto witness it when your parents are arguing

          Sexual abuse

          • Sexual abuse can include any inappropriate touching kissing looking nudity flirting pornography peeping exhibitionism orsexual innuendo stories or jokes.

            When sexual contact with achild is kept secret it’s likely abusive and the secret exacerbatesthe harm.

            Even if you experienced pleasure inappropriate sexualcontact is abusive because it’s over-stimulating and a breach oftrust because you’re being used to gratify the abuser’s needs

            Theage differential is an abuse of power. Victims of sexual abuse feelself-hatred and shame — especially if they experienced pleasure.As adults they have problems with intimacy trust and sexuality

          Emotional abuse

          • Emotional abuse includes verbal abuse

            Emotional abuse can also take the form of withholding love orthreatening or enforcing unreasonable punishment or chores isolation or deprivation.

            Some parents are cold and unaffectionate andothers are unresponsive robotic and ghostlike. As a child it makesyou feel unlovable and rejected and results in problems as an adultconnecting emotionally.

            When parents controlled your activities anddecisions or are possessive and jealous of your friends and lovers you feel smothered or claustrophobic in intimate relationships

            Ifyour parents were hyper-critical continually advising criticizing and improving you you grow up to be hyper-critical of yourself andhave low self-esteem. You believe that you’re never enough — notdoing enough good enough or accomplished enough to secureyour parent’s love or that of a mate. 132 -284

            Some parents with mental illness are cruel and sadistic. One fatherawakened his son each morning at 5 to pick up every leaf that hadfallen the night day before. He later left his son at a gas station ina strange town. A mother killed her daughter’s pet rabbit and gaveaway her son’s athletic trophies. 132 57

          Spiritual abuse 132

          • Spiritual abuse can occur in extremely religious families. Some parentsneglect their obligations to understand guide and teach theirchildren and instead quote Bible dictum that a child can’t understand. 132

            Others instill fear of a vengeful God or shame their childrenin the name of religion. This happened to many homosexuals 132

            Thereverse is also true where atheist parents forbid the mention ofGod or shame their children’s spiritual curiosity and yearnings.Other families indoctrinate their children in cult practices thatmay also include abuse 132

          Abuse is common in dysfunctional families and may take the form ofneglect or physical sexual emotional or spiritual abuse 130 4

          Abuse violatesyour boundaries and seriously damages your self-esteem. 130 4

          Theabuser may be a parent older sibling or other relative. Sometimes older siblings emulate a parent’s abusive behavior and vent theirunexpressed anger on a younger child. Abuse is usually random andunpredictable adding to an atmosphere of anxiety or even terror. 130 4

          Abuse needn’t be illegal or aggressive. Child abuse can be subtle quiet covert and even pleasurable or disguised as play or jokes. 130 4

          Abusers commonly deny their abusive behavior and blame it ontheir victims. Victims also deny and minimize abuse they experiencebecause they feel ashamed even though they’re not at fault. Onlythe abuser is responsible for his or her actions — never the victim.NEVER! 130 4

          Adults who’ve been abused as children have particular difficultywhen it comes to anger safety trust and authority 130 596

          Due to denial many don’t realize that they’ve suffered abuse. Unhealed theyhave difficulty experiencing intimacy. 130 596

          Some enter into abusive relationships.Working through their past helps stop the compulsionto repeat it. 130 596

      • 11. Drug addiction 132 396
        • Not all children of addicts arecodependent but usually families with drug or alcohol addictionhave all the above dysfunctional characteristics and more 132 396

          Still half of adult children of alcoholics remain in denial that they havean alcoholic parent 132 396

          Instead they live in shame and guilt. Themajority has been abused and like victims of abuse has issuesconcerning trust and anger about the past. 132 396

          Chaos and the merry-go-round of denial 132 586

          The household of an addicted parent is monopolized by his or hererratic irresponsible and often tyrannical abusive behavior andthe situation worsens as the addiction progresses. The addict actslike a little despot denies that drinking or using is a problem anddecrees that no one may challenge it. 132 1

          Everyone’s behavior organizesaround the denial of the addict’s disease. They try to maintainnormalcy and protect and enable the addict. They repressthoughts feelings and observations in order not to make wavesand live in fear of another binge disaster or blowup 132 1

          breaking the promises trust hearts and hopes of the spouse andchildren who love him or her 133 –

          This cycle plays over and over again(“The merry-go-round of denial ” originally named by ReverendJoseph P. Kellermann) because despite evidence to the contrary the family continues to believe promises and hopes that the addictivebehavior will end. Before the chronic stage of addiction peaceand normalcy return during sobriety but only add to the disappointment desperation and hopelessness when addictive behaviorrecurs — sometimes without the drug. 133 –

          The personality changes caused by addiction create an atmosphereof chaos 133 185

          Parenting is unreliable inconsistent and unpredictable even though it may be carried out primarily by the soberparent who is highly stressed trying to manage the household irrational demands and crises of the addict. 133 185

          Both parents areemotionally unavailable to the children. If both are addicts they’reboth physically unavailable too. As a child you never have asense of safety and consistency that you need in order to thrive 133 185

          You don’t invite friends over to avoid being embarrassed by youraddict-parent. Your needs get ignored and you learn not to askrather than be disappointed. You become self-reliant and needlessas an adult to avoid anyone having power over you again. Evenwhen one parent is responsible plans and rules are in constantflux due to the unpredictable changes of the addict’s moods anddrug and or alcohol use as shown in the following example 133 185

          The sober parent tells the children bedtime is 9 p.m. only to beundermined by the addict who insists that they can stay up until11 p.m. to watch a movie together. An argument between the parentsensues and the children are suddenly punished by the addictfor something trivial and sent to bed at 8 p.m. They distrust bothparents feel unsafe guilty betrayed and alone and are confusedand angry at the injustice. Their feelings and needs don’t count and they have no one to talk to. 133 372

          Role of the non-addict 133

          Generally the spouse of the addict will try everything from pleasingto threats in an attempt to control the uncontrollable situationof another’s addiction 133

          He or she may try to safeguard the childrenby keeping them away from the addict as much as possible. Thenon-addict parent’s behavior depends upon his or her personality coping style and pre-existing codependency. It often begins bytrying to help and protect the addict and fluctuates between caretaking scolding and blaming and withdrawing emotionally as thedrug addiction and codependency progress. 133

          The non-addict mayeventually act-out with drugs alcohol affairs or other irresponsiblebehavior. When both parents are addicted a child may takethis parental role. 133

          These families tend to isolate from relatives the community andsources of help. You fared better if you had positive role modelsin relatives or others who helped with parenting 134 -29

          Studies showthat it’s harder on you if your mother is an addict and is devastatingwhen both parents are addicted. Younger children are harmedmore than older children and boys are more vulnerable than girls.If the non-addict parent overcomes the pull of denial and codependencyand confronts and holds the addict accountable maintainsfriends and seeks treatment 134 -29

          Roles of the children 134 197

          • Like the spouse the children adopt behaviors to relieve thefamily tension which vary depending upon the child’s personalityand birth order 134 197

            Sharon Wegscheider-Cruse and Claudia Blackeach identified four roles. Some children use aspects of morethan one and play more than one role. Children in other typesof dysfunctional families also develop these roles to varyingdegrees. Over time coping styles become defined roles that lastinto adulthood. Although they served a useful function growingup they prevent you from being fully expressing yourself. Youmay be a rebel or a compliant good student but that role hidesyour true Self. Behaving differently from your accustomed role isdifficult and frightening because it feels like your survival is stillat stake — even after you’ve left your childhood family. Healingrequires that you learn to value and express yourself in all areasof life. 134 197

            1. The Hero 134

            • Often the oldest you’re responsible and the most identified withthe parents. In a chaotic environment you seek structure to createa sense of security. 134

              The Hero provides companionship to the nonaddictparent helps with family responsibilities and may protectand help parent younger siblings 134

              You know what’s appropriateand do the right thing to be successful in school socially and atwork. You develop leadership and organizational skills that arebeneficial in achieving goals in school and into adulthood. 134

              The Hero is used to carrying responsibility and being self-reliant but has trouble trusting and receiving help. Any failure is hardto tolerate because of underlying feelings of inadequacy. You’reserious tend to be rigid and controlled and lack flexibility andspontaneity. 134 575

              You may be uncomfortable playing or relaxing andbecome a workaholic. Some use drugs in order to let go. One day you discover that you have difficulty being intimate and openwith your feelings and are anxious lonely and depressed. 134 575

            2. The Adjuster

            • The Adapter is the child who doesn’t complain and adapts to thefamily the way the wind blows. If you’re an Adjuster you survivedin the unpredictable environment of addiction by not drawing toomuch attention to yourself in the family and at school. Unlike theHero you feel the effect of events and circumstances and are notin charge of your life as an adult. Your challenge is to take controlof your life and pursue your goals.

            3. The Placater

            • The Placater is more sensitive to the actions and feelings of otherfamily members and is hurt more easily. You’re the most caringand derive self-esteem from making others feel good. To survive you tend to others’ emotional needs never learned to consideryour wants and needs and feel guilty when you do. You give morethan you receive. Like the Adjuster you need to discover yourwants feel worthy of receiving them and pursue your goals.

            4. The Scapegoat

            • The Scapegoat acts-out with negative behavior that takes the family’sattention off the addict. As the Scapegoat you were constantlyin trouble at home and at school and have issues with anger andconflicts with friends and co-workers. Your behavior is an expressionof feelings that you can’t communicate and because you neithercomply nor withdraw you attract even more punishment andabuse from your parents and authority figures.

              Many Scapegoatsget arrested for delinquent behavior and begin using drugs and or alcohol as teenagers. In doing so this may bring the parentstogether which may be their unconscious motive despite the consequencesto themselves.

            5. The Lost Child

            • The Lost Child is usually a younger or the youngest child whowithdraws from the family drama into a world of fantasy or books the Internet and computerized games. As the Lost Child you findsecurity in solitude and stay out of harm’s way by being alone.

            6. The Mascot

            • The Mascot is also often a younger or the youngest child whomanages fear and insecurity being cute funny or coquettish torelease tension in the family.

          Identifying the roles

          • Who were the over-functioners and the under-functioners?Which one were you?
          • How did your role make you feel?
          • What function did it serve in the family system?
          • How did it affect your self-worth?
          • What strengths did you derive your role?
          • What did it deprive you of?
          • Imitate another family role to see how it feels.
  • Chapter 8: Taking Stock of Who You Are
    • Codependents’ sense of identity is impaired. They wonder“What’s normal?” and “Who am I? They compare themselvesto others feel empty and need someone else to feel incomplete.Discovering who you are is an ongoing process and the first stepto wholeness. 137

      Finding Yourself 137 467

      • Most codependents are so used to accommodating others’ feelings opinions desires and needs that they can’t identify theirown. You tuned them out because of your family’s rules and denial or even before you could speak — before you could recognize yourinstincts and biological and emotional impulses that are part ofyour sensory cues 137 467

        This internal guidance systeminforms you about your needs and feelings helps you make gooddecisions and enables you to accurately assess other people andsituations. Some of you may live your life disconnected from yourbody. The feedback loop from body to brain is not well connected impairing your interpretation of information your body is tellingyou. Healing entails tuning into yourself and re-establishing thiscommunication. 137 467

        Have you thought about what you like and dislike about yourbeliefs and values and taken the time to formulate what you reallybelieve and think? Maybe you’ve been busy studying working raisinga family and pretty much going along with what your parents friends or partner want and believe. Others of you may know yourselfbetter but are afraid to disappoint or disagree with people inyour life. 137 731

        You decide that it’s easier not to rock the boat and don’t realize the high price you pay. 5

        Each time you do this you abandonyourself and your Self gets smaller and your voice gets weaker like a candle about to die out. You may find yourself sleeping more eating more and losing interest in people and activities you usedto enjoy. You’ve “de-pressed” all your natural vitality. Before youcan expect to find happiness in a relationship you must first discoverhow to make yourself happy.

        Your assignment is to becomeyour own best friend

      Spending time with yourself

      • Getting to know someone and becoming friends require timetogether. The real you has been buried and may be shy and requirepatience and safety to venture out. You have to commit to spendingmore time alone to get acquainted with yourself and begin aninner dialogue. Later when you’re around others you can check inwith yourself — that’s harder because you may be tempted to getlost in someone else. You’re beginning a journey of self-discovery 218

        Spending time with yourself doesn’t mean reading or watchingTV alone. (Even that may be difficult if you’re in a relationship.)It means having NO distractions so that you can really focus onwhat’s going on inside. 218

        It’s harder if you have young children butyou can make it a priority. Making yourself a priority is new. It mayfeel unfamiliar and uncomfortable to be alone and quiet withoutdistraction but this is how you get to know yourself and discoverrich and nourishing inner resources 218

        Have no expectations abouthow well or how long you do this. Start with a few minutes at atime and it will become easier. You’re used to a lot of stress andanxiety and it will take time to quiet down. Many breathing andmeditation techniques are also helpful. 218

      Building Self-awareness

      • Getting to know someone means learning their tastes opinions and feelings about things

        Learning about yourself is just the same.Begin listening and watching just as you may observe someone atwork or school before you plan to spend time together. The followingexercises help you gain self-knowledge.

        Daily journaling

        • write about how you feel every day

          what you think

          what you want to do that day and in the future

          writewhatever comes to mind when they first wake up or at the end ofthe day

          begin a sentence with something like:

          “I have nothing to say . . .”

          “I don’t want to do this because . . .”

          “My mind is blank and it feels like . . .”

          “Right now I’m feeling . . . because . . .”

          Generally when you think you have nothing more to write keepgoing. You may have reached an awareness or feelings that you’reblocking. You can begin jotting down your dreams from the nightbefore and your feelings and associations about the images andpeople in them -36

        Self-awareness -36

        • Start paying attention to your conversations during the day. See ifyou can listen to yourself while someone is talking to you. Wonderabout how you feel.

          How often do you agree when you don’t know or disagree but go along to be polite?

          Do you listen when you don’t want to?

          Do you talk to fill an uncomfortable silence? Notice what youfeel.

          Do you ask questions instead of volunteering your thoughtsand feelings?

          Do you deflect compliments?

          Do you apologize often?

          Do you out loud or silently blame or criticize yourself or others?

          At the end of the day write down all you recall and think abouthow you present yourself to others. This should be done likeresearch not in order to judge yourself.

        Ask yourself

        • What do you know about yourself from your behavior?

          What did you really feel or think in interactions with others?If you don’t know think about it and try to decide.

          Did you make a conscious decision not to reveal yourself orwas it automatic?

          What stopped you from being real? What do you imaginewould happen if you were?

          To get better acquainted interview yourself. Start with simplequestions such as “My favorite color is . . . ” “My favorite foodsare . . .” (You can break this down into fruits vegetables desserts etc.) “My favorite movies are . . . ” “My favorite subjects in schoolwere . . . ” and continue finding out about what you like and dislikein music animals fabrics flowers sports hobbies televisionshows books people politicians and so o 0 15

          Write a paragraph oneach of the following questions: 0

          What gives me the most difficulty? 0

          What do I like most (and least) about myself and my body? 0

          What excites me the most? 0

          What was the most courageous thing I’ve done? 0

          What was the biggest risk I took? What did I learn from it? 1

          What nourishes me most? 1

          What did I do that made me the proudest? 1

          What was the biggest challenge I overcame? What did I learn? 1

          Who had the most influence on me? 1

          What kind of work do I enjoy the most? 1

          What was my most painful experience? Did I learn from it? 1

        Listening to your body 1 218

        • Listening to your body will help reactivate the feedback system toyour brain. There are athletes or dancers who know how to moveand control their bodies and whether it’s doing what they want butaren’t aware of the internal emotional information it can provide 1 218

          Some codependents have trouble accurately seeing their body andactually have distorted self-perceptions often larger or thinner orless attractive. Others don’t pay much attention to their body 1 218

          Your body senses things of which you may not be aware. Try sittingquietly. Take slow breaths to relax. Bring your awarenessinto your belly or heart and notice what’s going on. What sort oftemperature color density sounds and movement do you notice? 1 369

          Relax until you receive feedback; then ask this area how you feelabout an issue. Wait for a sensory response. Listen to your bodywith your ears rather than seeing with your eyes. You can alsofocus on an issue in your life and listen to your bodily sensationsaround it. You may get a word a feeling or an image. It may not bean emotion like anger or sadness but merely a physical sensation often a vague and unformed precursor to emotion like heaviness lightheadedness or nausea. You needn’t be afraid. Something istrying to surface. Patience is important. Don’t analyze or jump toconclusions. Just let the feelings and images speak to you. 1 369

        dialoguing with the sensation or image 1 369

        • “How long have you been there?” 1
        • “What was happening when you started?” 1
        • “What do I need to know about this?” 1
        • “What is the worst thing about this issue?” 1
        • “What do you need from me?” 1

      Taking Inventory 2 69

      • Identifying your needs wants feelings and values is a major stepin building your self-esteem and honing the ability to care for yourselfand live a happier more fulfilling life 2 69

        Identifying your needs and wants 2 182

        Codependents have problems identifying expressing and fulfillingtheir needs and wants. You may be very attuned to the needs anddesires of others and are used to accommodating them instead oftheir own. Recovery means turning that around. It requires you tobecome responsible for yourself 2 182

      My needs 2 332

      • For example 2 408

        if you’re feeling sad you may not realizeyou’re lonely and have a need for social connection 2 408

        Even if youdo many codependents isolate rather than reach out. After youknow the problem and the solution you can take action by callinga friend or planning social activities 2 408

        When your needs are met you feel happy grateful safe loved playful alert and calm. When they’re not you are sad fearful angry tired and lonely. Think about how you meet or don’t meetyour needs and what you may do to start meeting your needs 4 -170

        Some people recognize wants but not their needs or vice versa and many get them confused 2 408

        The reason it’s important to haveyour needs satisfied is because you feel emotional pain whenthey’re not. 2 408

        You may be in pain and not know why or which needsare not being met. After you identify your emotions and needs youcan then take responsibility for getting their needs met and feelingbetter. 2 408

      My wants 4 -170

      • Your wants are expressions of your uniqueness. If they weren’tmirrored in childhood 4 95

        Some parents give children material things but they don’tlisten and nurture their children. 4 95

        Others shame their children forwanting something when they can’t afford to or don’t want to fulfilltheir children’s needs or wants. They don’t take responsibility andadmit the truth. There are parents who give their children whatthey think they should have instead of what their children want 4 1

        All of these painful experiences with wanting can result in thebelief “I shouldn’t want.” Rather than be shamed or disappointed codependents shut down their desires 4 1

        Many don’t buy themselveswhat they want even though they can afford it. Others indulgethemselves indiscriminately when they can’t afford it in an attemptto fill an insatiable hunger for the love they’ve missed. 4 1

      Want List of things you can do or get 4 321

      • Get a haircut 4
      • Go to the movies when the children are in school 4
      • Join the choir 4
      • Play basketball 4
      • Take surfing lessons 4
      • Go dancing 4
      • Plant strawberries 4
      • Buy a trampoline 4
      • Learn Spanish 4

      8 Categories of Needs 3

      • 1. Mental 3
        • Information 3
        • Awareness 3
        • Reflection 3
        • Clarity 3
        • Discernment 3
        • Comprehension 3
      • 2. Autonomy 3
        • Independence 3
        • Empowerment 3
        • Solitude 3
        • Freedom 3
      • 3. Social 3
        • Family 3
        • Reciprocity 3
        • Cooperation 3
        • Justice 3
        • Reliability 3
        • Companionship 3
        • Communication 3
        • Connection 3
        • Generosity 3
      • 4. Emotional 3
        • Intimacy 3
        • Acceptance 3
        • Being understood 3
        • Safe to beyourself 3
        • Affection 3
        • Support 3
        • Caring 3
        • Enthusiasm 3
        • Grieving 3
      • 5. Self-worth 3
        • Authenticity 3
        • Honesty 3
        • Self-respect 3
        • Confidence 3
      • 6. Self Expression 3
        • Purpose 3
        • Self-growth 3
        • Goals 3
      • 7. Spiritual 3
        • Contemplation 3
        • Meditation 3
        • Reverence 3
        • Order 3
        • Gratitude 3
        • Hope 3
        • Faith 3
      • 8. Physical 3
        • Rest 3
        • Shelter 3
        • Food 3
        • Water 3
        • Air 3
        • Sex SensualPleasure 3
        • Health 3
        • Medicalcheck-ups 3
        • Movement 3

      How do you feel? 5

      • Your feelings are your guide and it’s vital to pay attention andlisten to them. They’re part of your internal feedback system.Emotional awareness includes feeling them at the level at sensation naming and expressing them 5

        Building your emotional vocabulary 5

        fourbasic emotions 5

        • Sad 6
        • Glad 6
        • Mad 6
        • Fear 6

        Guilt 6

        • Guilt is a combination of anger and fear and anxiety and irritationare milder forms of fear and anger respectively 6

        Honoring your feelings 6

        • Even codependents who know what they feel or can identify a limitednumber of feelings often don’t honor their feelings and don’tshare them often to accommodate others. A common reframe is“What’s wrong with me that I feel this way?” Rather than allow 10minutes of letting your emotions flow you may spend days judgingand resisting feelings becoming more unhappy and depressed.This is dishonoring yourself. Additionally you may tell yourselfthat your feelings are unreasonable weak or dangerous. Althoughfeelings aren’t logical they have a logic and intelligence of theirown. Sometimes a feeling may seem irrational but upon deeperinspection there’s a good reason for them 6 3

          Try to feel the feelingthat’s under the surface. 6 3

          Feelings aren’t signs of weakness; they just are. Whatever you feelis legitimate and you’re entitled to feel it just because you do 6 474

          Thedanger lies in ignoring feelings which can lead to poor decisionsand health problems. 6 474

          Although feelings without reason shouldn’tcontrol decisions they often do when unacknowledged. 6 474

          Finally honoring your feelings also means taking responsibility for them.No one makes you feel something — only you do. 6 474

          Look at the list of your family rules and messages from Chapter 7and see how they may have influenced your attitudes toward feelings.Many people adopt their parents’ rules and beliefs withoutknowing it or ever questioning them. 6 474

        list of new rules and beliefs for yourself 7

        • I have a right to my feelings 7
        • I don’t have to defend them. 7
        • All my feelings are okay even anger and painful ones. 7
        • No one can tell me what I “should” feel even me. 7
        • What I’m feeling will pass. 7
        • My feelings have value and intelligence. 7
        • Allowing myself to feel my emotions is healthy. 7

        Allowing your feelings 7 74

        • Allowing your feelings means to go with them. Often clients ask “Why should I feel (angry hurt sad) it won’t change anything?”This is untrue. 7 149

          Honoring and allowing your feelings change you.Emotions ebb and flow. They pass but resisting them makes thempersist. If not expressed they can get stuck in the body and causemore pain and problems in relationships. 7 149

          When you repress painfulfeelings they can come out sideways explode and sabotageyou. Good feelings like enthusiasm and joy shut down too. Youmay even lose interest in sex or feel passionless. 7 149

        6 Cycle of needs and feelings. 8

        • 1. Needs 8
        • 2. Feelings 8
        • 3. Thinking 8
        • 4. Actions 8
        • 5. Results 8
        • 6. Feelings 8

        Trusting yourself 8

        • If you grew up in a family where your feelings and perceptions weredenied you learned that you couldn’t trust your internal cues — yourobservations impressions and feelings. As a result your ability totrust your feelings and make decisions became impaired. By lookingto others for answers you give up living your own life. Additionally if you’re unable to discern situations and people that are dangerousor not good for you you end up trusting untrustworthy people inrelationships that damage you again creating more distrust. 8 374

          Listeningto yourself and honoring your feelings are the beginnings of trusting loving and protecting yourself. 8 374

          Listen for that small voice you may have ignored in the past. Waitfor it before making decisions 8 563

          Notice what you think you “should”do versus what you want to do. Pay attention to how you feel whensomething feels “right “off ” or uncomfortable. This felt sense may beyour first impression before you override it with logical reasons andignore it or it may require you to spend time in indecision and confusionor get more information about a situation or person in order toget clarity. That’s okay. Don’t rush. Also be aware that your impressionsand feelings change over time as you get to know someone. 8 563

          In making decisions ask yourself “What would be the most lovingthing to do?” and “How do I feel about it?” instead of “What do Ithink about it?” Spend time with yourself deciding before askingothers and listen for your inner voice. It’s especially important towait when you’re in an obsession or emotional reaction and feelcompelled to act. 8 3

          Listening to yourself is also the gateway to uncovering your passion 9 11

          Following your heart despite whatothers may say involves risk. Yet this is how you build confidence.Only you can know what’s right for you. 9 11

          Your credo 9 198

          Your credo is made up of your principles concepts and beliefs thatgovern your decisions and influence your feelings. You give moretime and attention to the things you value most. Something thatviolates your values may make you angry or afraid. Being wholeincludes knowing what you stand for. This is part of your journeyof self-discovery. 9 198

          It’s important because when you accept others’behavior or behave contrary to your core beliefs you undermineyour integrity and self-esteem. 9 198

        Integrity 9 198

        • Integrity means integration of yourvalues beliefs and behavior — that you “walk your talk.” Holding toyour values despite opposition builds integrity and personal power 9 198

          identify your values 9

          What makes you the angriest about things in the world? 9

          Which organizations or charities do you or would you support? 9

          What mentors or public figures do you respect or admire? Why? 9

          Which religious beliefs do you agree and disagree with? Why? 9

          What are your political views? 9

          What book and movie genres do you most enjoy? 9

        Choose ten of the following values 9 462

        • Freedom 9
        • Equality 9
        • Beauty 9
        • Justice 9
        • Recognition 9
        • Friendship 9
        • Wealth 9
        • Creativity 9
        • Religion 9
        • Adventure 9
        • Charity 9
        • Education 9
        • True love 9
        • Family 9
        • Pleasure 9
        • Harmony 9
        • Health 9
        • Achievement 9
        • Easy lifestyle 9
        • Service to others 9
        • Nature and planet 9
        • Truth 9
        • Respect 9
        • Compassion 9

        Now that you know your values notice if your words and actionsmatch your values. If not re-evaluate your values and what influencedyou to depart from them. If you did how did it make youfeel? One example may be if you spend most of your time doingthings you don’t value and not doing what you do. 0 -165

      Can You Just Be You? 0

      Authenticity 0 -8

      • Authenticity means being honest and genuine. It requires congruenceor alignment between your words and actions values andmotives. For this you must know yourself and gradually risk bringingthe real you into the world by expressing and acting on whatyou know. This is a major part of overcoming codependency.People do this in therapy and in Twelve Step meetings when theyrisk revealing themselves and exposing their vulnerability insteadof reacting. 0 182

        You ranked your values now make a list of virtues and qualitiesyou want to have. Make a second list of qualities as you see yourselfright now. How do they match up? Question yourself to see ifyour activities goals beliefs and values are in alignment. Are youwilling to be honest with qualities you dislike? This is a difficult but a necessary step toward self-esteem and authenticity. Facingthe truth is the beginning of change. 0 182

        Your self-perception may be untrue if you’re unable to discern thetruth from labels given you in childhood. 0 182

        The ongoing process of self-discovery challenges you to discoverwho you really are to live from that truth and to discard all ofwhat isn’t you including those old false beliefs 0 332

  • Chapter 9: Nonattachment and Acceptance
    • Codependents become overly attached — not because theylove so much but because they need so much. Attachmentis based upon need — need for someone to be a certain way sothat you can feel okay. This chapter is about changing your badhabits and erroneous beliefs that keep you reacting and attachedin unhealthy ways. You can learn to enjoy your life despite anotherperson’s problems and behavior. Change begins with taking a lookat codependent patterns of managing and controlling reacting andworrying and obsessing. They’re all interconnected but for thesake of discussion this chapter addresses each separately 1

      9 Signs of Codependent Attachment 2

      • 1. Your moods depend on X. You can’t be happy if X isn’t 2

        2. You have strong emotional reactions to X’s opinions thoughts feelings and judgments 2

        3. You worry and think about X’s problems 2

        4. You analyze X’s motives or feelings 2

        5. You ponder what X is doing not doing thinking or feeling 2

        6. Your attention to X prevents you from having time for orinterest in your career hobbies activities or friends. 2

        7. You only want to spend time with X and drop other activitiesif X disapproves or won’t accompany you. 2

        8. You try to please X because you’re afraid of rejection. 2

        9. You’re anxious about doing things alone. 2

      Signs of Nonattachment 2

      • if you’re nonattached rather than controlothers you’re compassionate and encourage them 2

        Ratherthan manipulate others to like you you’re authentic. 2

        You haveno need to argue or persuade others but are curious and respectfulof differing points of view. 2

        You honor their need for space orsilence and meanwhile enjoy your time alone or with someoneelse. 2

      3 Non Attachement Concepts 2

      • 1. Having appropriate boundaries 2
      • 2. Accepting reality 2
      • 3. Being in the present not the past or future 2

      Non Attachment Charateristics 2

      • Nonattachment is a way of separating the unhealthy emotionalglue that keeps you fused in a codependent relationship 3 -303

        involves letting go of your expectations and entanglements withother peoples’ problems and affairs of reacting to things they sayand do and of obsessing and worrying about things 3 -303

        You mindyour own business. 3

        It doesn’t take away your feelings and concernbut channels them in a healthy manner. 3

        it’s more compassionateand loving than codependent attachment 3

        Nonattachment doesn’t mean neglecting family responsibilities orleaving someone 3

        Physical proximity is irrelevant nonattachment although physical space or separation may be useful as a meansof centering yourself but this is not what detaching means. 3

      4 Benefits – Why let go of attachment? 3

      • Letting go reaps you profound benefits not only in the relationship but in personal growth inner peace and all areas of your life. 3

        1. You learn to love 3

        • Being nonattached in a relationship is the most loving way to bepresent and practice unconditional love with someone. How is thisparadox possible? 3

          When it comes to relationships the underlyingprinciple of nonattachment is honoring another person’s separatenessfrom a deeply felt place. 3

          Think of letting go as stepping backfrom your personal needs to see the larger picture 3

          Imagine thereality that both you and the other person are two separate peoplewith diverging needs genetics life experiences and perspectives both whole and capable. 3

        2. You gain peace freedom and power 3

        • Whatever or whomever you’re reacting to or trying to fix or control controls you 3

          When you stop managing judging or helpingsomeone else your mind is free from worry. 3

          You’re off the hookfor their choices and the outcome of their problems 4 1

          You’re freerto be yourself and you allow others to do so as well. 4 1

          When you take the further step of learning to let go of your reactions and areable to detach from other people’s moods actions and words you take back your power. 4 1

          Instead of a reactor you become a selfdeterminedactor in your life. 4 1

          You take charge of yourself and yourthoughts and decide how you will act in that moment and everymoment. 4 1

          You choose your behavior independently of others. 4

          Thisskyrockets your self-esteem. When off the emotional rollercoasterwith someone else your mind is at peace regardless of how roiledup he or she is. 4

          You take back the power to control your mind feelings and self-esteem. 4

        3. You gain time for yourself 4

        • When you let go of responsibility for someone else you’re nolonger consumed with watching to see if he or she is meeting hisor her responsibilities 4

          You have that much more freedom and canlive your life instead of living someone else’s 4

          This allows you todevelop yourself and your career hobbies interests and friends 4

        4. Each person learns independence and self-responsibility 4

        • Nonattachment also allows both you and the other person to takeresponsibility for your own lives. 4

      What Are Your Responsibilities? 4

      • It’s natural to desire happiness for your loved ones and painfulto see them suffer but codependents make the leap of feelingresponsible for others’ pain and happiness 4

        It’s so upsetting thatthey try to change the negative feelings and solve the problemsof people close to them. 4

        The fact is you can only heal your half ofthe relationship — yourself. 4

        You’re responsible for your thoughts feelings actions and theconsequences of those actions and other people are responsiblefor theirs 4

        Cheering someone up occasionally or giving him or her moreattention is not codependent 4

        A benefit of a good marriage is thatspouses nurture one another when one is troubled but it’s support not codependent caretaking and it’s reciprocal. 4

        when you consistently try to change others’ moods or solve theirproblems you’re becoming their caretaker based upon the erroneousbelief that you can control what’s causing their pain 5

        You’reassuming responsibilities that are theirs not yours. 5

        Sometimescodependent couples agree that one spouse has the obligationto make the other happy. 5 7

        This is an impossible task and leads tomutual unhappiness anger and resentment 5 7

        Another pitfall for codependents is that they take too muchresponsibility and blame for the problems in their relationship 5

        They try to change themselves (the human pretzel solution) inorder to make the relationship work. 5

        The belief is “If I caused theproblem then I can learn what I did wrong change myself andthen the problem will go away.” 5

        Taking responsibility isn’t the same as blaming yourself. 4

        Codependents do too much of that already. 4

        The former is just anadmission — an acknowledgement that “I said (or did)” something.Period! It doesn’t make you a terrible person. 4

      Self Discovery 4

      • List the things for which you feel responsible. Include familyand work responsibilities. Distinguish between responsibilityto others and responsibility for others. What’s the difference? 5 369

        List each responsibility you assume for others who canmanage that responsibility 5 369

        Review your list of needs 5 369

        Write actions you can take to be responsible for meeting yourneeds. 5 369

        Create a plan to make time to meet your responsibilities andneeds and let others manage their own lives 5 369

      Managing and Controlling 6

      • Managing and controlling behaviors which include caretakingand enabling violate others’ boundaries 6

        Managing someone’s lifeshows disrespect. 6

        It sends the message that the person is incompetentand needs your help. 6

        Underneath are your fear and expectationsabout that person’s life 6

      Knowing what’s best. 6

      • I’m uncomfortable so youhave to change. What youdo might hurt me so I haveto watch and control you.I’m responsible for you andhave to make sure you makeno mistakes (according to me) because you can’t take careof yourself (according to me)without my help. 6

        In reality you can’t know what’s best for someone else givenhis or her individual background experiences and desires. 6 185

        Managing can start with little things like giving advice on yourhusband’s clothes your teenager’s diet or your girlfriend’sromance. 6 185

        Attempts to change control and give unwanted adviceare codependent patterns that undermine the others’ self-esteem 6 185

        Perhaps you lend a sympathetic ear to their problems and suggestsolutions 6 185

        Soon you end up in the role of fixer counselor orcheerleader and become increasingly entangled in their choicesand upset that their behavior doesn’t meet your expectations 6 185

        You begin to watch their every move to see if they are doing the“right” thing 6

      12 Signs that you are Managing and Controlling 6

      • 1. You judge advise or nag to change X’s behavior or beliefs 6

        2. You repeat prodding questions. 6

        3. You follow pry or try to get information about X. 6

        4. You repeatedly do things for X that X is capable of doing. 6

        5. You enable X 6

        6. You do things for X that you don’t really want to do. 6

        7. You meet X’s needs or offer help without being asked orbefore there’s any agreement about it. 7 -257

        8. You do more than your share or give more than you receive inrelationships. 7 -257

        9. You try to fix X’s bad feelings 7 -257

        10. You do X’s thinking for him or her 7 -257

        11. You solve X’s problems 7 -257

        12. You speak for X. 7 -257

      Children on Controlling 7

      • When it comes to children teaching is different than control whichbreeds resentment and rebellion. 7

        You naturally exercise appropriateauthority over young children but as they mature good parentsrelinquish age-appropriate decisions and tasks to their children 7

        Some parents control and enable their children too much who thenas adults they don’t know how to be responsible for themselves 7

      Fear underlies control 7 279

      Controlling behavior is based upon dependence and fear of theconsequences that others’ behavior has on them and on you. 7 279

      What if you were asked to help? 7 468

      • This is a good and difficult question. The answer is it depends.You may think “I’m not interfering controlling or crossing aboundary if I’m invited to help.” That’s not necessarily true.Consider the following: 7 468

        You still may be interfering with the person’s opportunity tofind strength problem-solve and be more independent. Doesit frighten you that you won’t be needed? 8 -303

        Once you start you may fall into a pattern of taking over andcontrolling. You may want to get follow-ups and monitor theperson’s behavior and the outcome. Can you help and let go? 8 -303

        If you have a history of helping the person and it’s not reciprocated you’ve assumed the Top Dog fixer role becoming responsiblefor Underdog in a relationship that’s out of balance. 8

        Are you reinforcing your controlling and caretaking habits? 8

        How may you offer support without caretaking? 8

      Self Discovery-Write about the following 8

      • Whom and what do you try to control fix or manage? 8

        Specifically how do you attempt this? 8

        What are your motives in the situation? 8

        Do you feel any resentment or self-pity about helping? 8

        Are you “sacrificing” or taking care of your own needs? 8

        Does helping make you anxious frustrated or tired? 8

        Would you feel too guilty to say “No?” 8

        Do you think that you know what’s best for the person? 8

        What’s your worst fear if you stopped? 8

        How would you feel if you stopped? 8

        How do you feel when someone tries to change or control you? 8

        Are you able to listen to problems without offering advice? 8

        How would it feel to ask for help or emotional support? 8

        Do you give advice that isn’t followed? How do you think itmakes the other person feel? How does that make you feel? 8

        Do you ever feel used or unappreciated? 8

        When you do something for someone he or she can do howdoes it make you feel about you and about the other person? 8

      Expectations plant seeds of resentment 8 593

      • They create problemsin relationships when you have an agenda about the kind of person you want your partner to become and how he or sheshould behave. -227

        Having expectations is a prescription for pain -227

        They cause you disappointment and plant seedsof judgments which grow into resentments. -227

        They spread likewildfire and burn any good feelings you have toward the person. -227

        They spread likewildfire and burn any good feelings you have toward the person.No one likes to be judged including you. If you have a cat youdon’t expect your cat to act like a dog. -227

        You wouldn’t expect a catto swim and take a hike with you. If you do you’re going to makeboth you and your cat very miserable. Soon you’d become furiousand begin to hate your cat. -227

        Now when you expect someone closeto you to behave in a way that he or she doesn’t want to or that’sagainst his or her nature you both end up resentful -227

      Are your expectations unreasonable? 0

      • To determinewhether they’re reasonable 0

        How have your expectationsturned out in the past? 0

        Were they met? 0

        What does this tellyou about the other person and about yourself? 0

        Look objectively at your relationship and ask yourself what you’vesaid and done to achieve your expectations and what has the otherperson said and done. 0

        Consider your motives and whether you’veclearly communicated your desires without resentment blame or criticism. 0

        Don’t expect someone to read your mind 0

        That’s anunreasonable expectation! Make sure you courteously ask for whatyou want. 0

        If you’ve asked someone repeatedly to make a changeand he or she doesn’t it’s unreasonable that more requests manipulation or nagging will make a difference 0

      Are you in reality? 0 128

      • If you notice that you have fantasies about your relationship orhow you’d like your partner to behave there’s a good chance thatyou’re denying your unhappiness in the present and are escapinginto the future. 0

        Consider which of your needs aren’t being met now 0

        Are you avoidingtaking responsibility for your own happiness? 0

        Have you discussedyour dissatisfaction with your partner and listened to hisor her views? 0

      What about reasonable expectations? 0

      • Nonattachment doesn’t mean that you should accept abuse or behaviorthat goes against your values 0 411

        Being responsible for yourself alsomeans that you don’t allow someone to treat you badly. 0 411

        You mayneed to have a frank conversation to resolve your conflicts and setboundaries if you’re being abused. 0 411

        When you try tocontrol your partner by pleasing or manipulation you get more of thebehavior you don’t want 0 411

        If neither approach is effective think aboutwhy you want to continue the relationship and consider joining a supportgroup and obtaining professional help 0 411

        When it comes to addiction 0 601

        It’s unreasonable to expect an addict not to practice his or heraddiction 0 601

        Acting surprised disappointed angry or hurt that analcoholic gets drunk is like being upset that the sun rises 0 601

        Nothing you say makes any permanent difference 1 500

        You come to realizethat your words and enabling actions are futile and only breedresistance. 1 500

        stopping addictive behavior is so difficult foraddicts that anyone attempting to influence them distracts themfrom the problem of their addiction. 1 500

        You become the obstacle intheir mind. 1 500

        Controlling and enabling actually prolong an addiction 1 500

        Addicts and abuserslove to blame their behavior on someone else 1 500

        They try to makeyou responsible for their actions and addiction which are absolutelynot your responsibility and you can tell them so 1 500

        Assumingresponsibility for them enables their addiction and keeps denial inplace so they don’t have to be responsible for their actions. 1 500

        powerless over other people 1 613

        It may be difficult to change your behavior and practice nonattachment.Before you can let go of control you need to acceptthat you’re powerless over other people 1 613

        Nonattachment respectsthe addicts’ choice to practice their addiction even though it’sself-destructive and even if you disagree with it. 1 613

        After you get out of the way and stop controlling and or enabling and protectingan addict from the truth you prepare yourself to set boundaries 2 -165

        This allowsthe other person to experience the consequences of his or heraddiction and take responsibility for his or her actions. 2 -165

      Self Discovery-Ask yourself: 2 23

      • Do you believe you’re powerless over people? 2 23
      • Do you feel responsible for someone’s addictive behavior? 2 23
      • Do you believe you can convince him or her to stop it? 2 23

      Getting Triggered and Reacting 2 249

      • “triggers” 2 324
        • Even when you’re not controlling it’s easy to react and over-reactto people and events. Codependents react to others’ needs feelings judgments behavior and desires. Your thinking and feeling becomebased upon what’s going on inside someone else. There are reactionsand over-reactions signaled by their intensity and duration.How upset are you and for how long in proportion to what triggeredyou? What you over-react to — your “triggers” — are unique to you 2 324

          You’re reminded of a painful interaction you’ve had with someonein your past that you re-experience it in the present. In some casesthe trigger may be innocuous. Common signs of being triggered arewhen your reaction is disproportionate to the incident. For example someone cuts in line at the market and you blow up you get veryanxious when someone is 10 minutes late or you hear somethingdifferent than what was actually said. 2 324

      • Catastrophizing 2 476
        • Some people catastrophize everything. 2 476

          They over-react and makemountains out of molehills about whatever doesn’t go their way 2 476

          They’re constantly overwhelmed and anxious reliving the dramaof their childhood. 2 476

          Others feel compelled to react by taking actionand doing something about whatever arises in order to quell theirinner emotions. 2 476

          Unfortunately because the action is not thoughtthrough completely it often makes matters worse. 2 476

          They need tolearn to “Don’t just do something; sit there!” 2 476

      People react in many ways 3

      • Blamers (“It’s your fault.”) 3
      • Placaters (“Whatever you say.”) 3
      • Apologizers (“I’m sorry you feel that way.”) 3
      • Distracters (Acting irrelevant e.g. combing hair or joking) 3
      • Seducers (Kiss and make up.) 3
      • Computer style (“We were only 17 minutes 20 seconds late.”) 3
      • Withdrawers (“I don’t want to talk about it.”) 3
      • Attackers (“You lousy_*!#%!”) 3
      • Professorial (“My opinion is evidenced-based.”) 3

      Martyr (“I can’t do anything right.”) 3

      Arguments escalate when you react in one of the above styles. 3

      Blurred boundaries prevent you from really seeing each other. 3

      You can always opt not to play. Answer thesequestions: 5 -164

      • Who triggers you? 5 35
      • What behaviors trigger you? 5 35
      • Write about each trigger and the feelings you experience. 5 35
      • How do you react? Do you always react in the same way? 5 35
      • What happens to the other person? Does he or she react back? 5 35
      • Do your reactions help the situation? 5 35
      • What past persons events and feelings do they remind you of? 5 35
      • Try reacting differently and answer the above questions again. 5 35

      Worrying and Obsessing 5 35

      • worrying about what may come to pass orobsessing about a person is an attempt to control — even if only inyour mind? 5

        people equate love and worry andwould feel guilty not worrying even though it causes stress andis counterproductive. 5

        the worry you imagine generallydoesn’t arrive or at least not in the same way. 5

        Even if it does worryingdidn’t change the outcome 5

        Nor does it effectively prepareyou to handle problems when they do arise such as acquiringinformation and support and centering yourself with prayer andrelaxation. 5

        worry and obsession drain you 5

        They can alsomake you react in rehearsed or habitual ways that are inappropriateto the actual circumstances because worrying and obsessingtake you out of the present 5

        Nonattachment helps you to be morepresent and loving to yourself and others 5

        Being in the here andnow is the first step in finding solutions to all problems 5

      3 Baby Steps – Acceptance 5

      • Acceptance is a process 5 601
        • It doesn’t happen in a day a week or amonth but takes effort and proceeds in baby steps and missteps 5 601

          reclaim your power over your mind and will 6 -141

      • 1. List all of the people and things over which you’re powerless 6 48
      • 2. List the things you’ve tried in attempting to change someone 6 48
      • 3. Write your feelings about others’ reactions to you 6 48
        • What feelings and beliefs prevent you from letting go? 6 48

      what acceptance means 6 161

      • It’s not resignation which suggests a passive stance thatemanates from hopelessness. Acceptance is a positive steptoward taking charge of your life and responsibilities 6 275

        It doesn’t mean you approve of the facts. Rather acceptance isan acknowledgement that those facts exist — like them or not 6 275

        It doesn’t mean that you must accept abusive or unacceptablebehavior. This is a common misconception. The fact ismany people aren’t aware that they’re being abused and don’tacknowledge it as such. Consequently they don’t confront it.With acceptance you’re able to change your behavior seeksafety and support and set boundaries. 6 387

      Why acceptance is important 6 387

      • Before you can choose to act differently you must accept theworld on its terms and then consider your options. 6

        The alternativeto acceptance is an eternal war with reality. 6

        It’s a losing battle 6

        In relationships it places you in a disempowered position of beinga victim and fixating on someone who is neither your responsibility nor in your capacity to change. 6

        By being in opposition to whatis you’re in a constant state of turmoil within yourself and in conflictwith the person whom you’re trying to control. 6

        It’s a choice ofhaving a mind at war or at peace. 6

      5 Tools for Practicing Nonattachment 7 288

      • 1. Focus on yourself 7
      • 2. Re-mind mantras 7
      • 3. Live and let live 7 628
      • 4. Mind your own business 8 38
      • 5. Let go and let God 8 188
      • The three Cs 8 188
        • 1. You didn’t Cause it. 8
        • 2. You can’t Control it. 8
        • 3. You can’t Cure it. 8
      • Prayer 8 565
      • Meditation and mindfulness 9
      • Time-outs 9
      • Journaling 9
      • Doing the opposite 9
      • Acting as if 0
      • Removing labels 0 252
      • Visualizing 0 1
      • Having a Plan B 1 -74

      4 Don’ts – Non Attachment 8

      • 1. Don’t watch 8
      • 2. Don’t expect 8
      • 3. Don’t judge 8
      • 4. Don’t obsess 8

      What to Expect 1

      • From you 1
        • Expect to feel guilty when you don’t help others as you have in thepast. It may be very difficult to change this pattern. Yet it’s easierwhen you realize that your help isn’t helping but hurting in the longrun. At other times you have glimpses of feeling centered peaceful free and empowered. Serenity and freedom need some getting usedto when you’re accustomed to feeling trapped and anxious 1 267
      • From others 1 530
        • Expect others not to like your changes. The Underdog may try tomake you feel guilty and manipulate you into helping and caretaking 1 530

          Relatives and others may accuse you of not caring or being selfishor self-centered. They won’t understand what you’re trying to doand may want you to return to your old ways which are familiar tothem. They also may want you to take care of Underdog for theirpeace of mind or so they don’t have to. This is another reason why asupport group is very important. 2 -60

  • Chapter 10: Learning to Value Yourself
    • Imagine your self-esteem as a neglected garden overgrownwith sprawling weeds that invaded what was once natural andbeautiful. The seeds of those weeds blew into your childhood andhave taken over your psyche in the guises of a Critic a Pusher anda Perfectionist. To heal and regenerate your garden you must pullthe weeds prepare and fertilize the soil and sow new seeds. Yourgarden also needs sunlight and water for nourishment and regularhoeing to prevent weeds from returning. 3

      3 – The Tyrannical Trio — the Critic Pusher and Perfectionist 3

      • Before pulling weeds you must be able to identify them. They’rehiding in plain sight — your inner dialogue 3

        1. The Critic 3

        • Taming the Critic 4
          • Sit quietly and notice your thoughts. You may hear yourselfsaying “I can’t do this. I’m not good at it.” Listen to that stringof putdowns! 4 272

            Make a list of all the things you don’t like about yourself ineach area of your life. To help you complete the sentence “Idon’t like myself when I . . .” Listen for criticisms as they popup during the day and add to the list. Be alert when you talkto yourself using the words “should ” “always ” or “never ”your Critic is at work. 4 272

            If you’re feeling bored frustrated down or having uncomfortableemotions they may be symptoms of negative thinking.Trace back to a preceding event and thoughts you had aboutit and about yourself 4 272

            Notice your Critic’s voice — the tone volume and words. Dothey remind you of someone who spoke to you that way in thepast? Children emulate their parents’ words and tones andinternalize them. 4 272

            Dialogue with the Critic on paper writing questions with yourdominant hand (usually the right) and answering with yournon-dominant hand. Discover the Critic’s name function rolemodels and motives. How does it really feel about you? (Yournon-dominant hand has greater access to your unconscious.) 5 4

            No matter how mean the Critic is be respectful. You’remaking friends. Ask it how it would like to improve your flaws and specifically its motives and desires with respect to each.You may discover that the Critic has good intentions. 5 4

            Teach the Critic to be friendlier. Instead of putdowns let theCritic know that it would be more effective to be a supportivecoach to speak to you in a cheerful encouraging tone. Writeexamples of how you want your Critic to talk to you. See whatthe Critic says about this. You may need to insist that namecallingis off-limits. 5

            You must be vigilant in interrupting and taming your Critic just as if you’re taming an unruly dog. Each time the Criticstarts in tell it “Stop ” and remind it how you’d like to bespoken to. If it slips one by you old habits are reinforced 5

        • The Critic is thevoice that judges you and criticizes you and what you say anddo. 3
        • The Critic is never satisfied nor thinks you’re good enough 3

        2. The Pusher 3

        • The Pusher chimes in and pushes you to perform and improveyourself to meet the Perfectionist’s illusory standards. 3

          The Pusher — your slave driver 5

          The Pusher pushes you into action to get things done. 5

          It likes to bebusy. 5

          The problem is it can become a slave driver. 5

          The Pusher isalways looking for ways to improve you your partner your environment and your work. 5

          There’s always too much to do in too little time. 5

          You can be resting or trying to relax but the Pusher’s call to actionreminds you of a dozen undone things. 5

          It may even get you off thecouch. 5

          The Critic teams up with the Pusher to make you feel guiltyfor all you haven’t done and finds flaws the Pusher can correct 5

          Ifthe Critic thinks you’re fat and need to exercise the Pusher gets youinto action and together with the Critic harasses you for not doingenough to lose more weight faster. 5

          A strong Pusher won’t let youmiss work when you’re sick or take a vacation without bringing workalong to “catch up.” 5

          Yet you never catch up because the Pusherwould be out of a job. 5

          If you’re injured or physically limited in someway the Pusher and Critic make you miserable for not getting thingsdone. 5

          On the bright side a Pusher can help you achieve your goals but there are always more. 5

          get to know your Pusher better 6 -38

          finish the sentences 6 -38

          • You push me to accomplish more because . . . 6 -38

            You won’t let me relax because . . . 6 -38

            What would happen if I took it easy and you (the Pusher)stopped pushing me? 6 -38

            When did you first start pushing me? 6 -38

            Complete this sentence for yourself not the Pusher: If I gavemyself permission not to do some things on my list I’d feel . . . 6 -38

            Complete this sentence for yourself not the Pusher: Pushingmyself to accomplish more deprives me of . . . 6 -38

        3. The Perfectionist 6 152

        • The Perfectionist — nothing’sgood enough 6 152

          The Perfectionist has unreachable ideals concerning everythingabout you your behavior and the people in your life 6

          It lives ina world of illusion. 6

          perfectionism isdriven by shame 6

          Although the Perfectionist may focus on mistakes orderliness your body athletic ability or creativity at itscore is the belief that you’re not adequate in some way — attractiveenough good enough smart enough strong enough and soon. 6

          Perfectionism is an escape from these painful beliefs 6

          You mayfind it hard to complete tasks because your work is never perfect 6

          The Critic judges you for not meeting the Perfectionist’s unrealisticstandards. 6

          The fact that there’s no such thing as “perfection” ismeaningless to the Perfectionist because it would be out of a job. 6

          The antidote for perfectionism is self-acceptance 6

          Rememberthat to accept something you don’t have to like it only to acknowledge it — as is. 6

          Some things about yourself you can change; others you can’t 6

          Paradoxically until you accept yourself it’s difficult to change atall because you’re in conflict with reality. 6

          Self Discovery 6

          • Make a list of your beliefs about yourself 7 183
          • In what ways do youfeel you’re not enough? 7 183
          • How do your beliefs affect your actions? 7 183
          • Look in the mirror and say “I unconditionally accept myself justas I am.” 7 183
          • Can you mean it — without choking? 7 183
          • Do you like whatyou see? 7 183
          • What objections come to mind? 7 183
          • You don’t have to like what you see only to face and acceptthe reality that this is you. 7 183
          • Repeat aloud “I accept myself unconditionally even though ____.” 7 183
          • If you can’t then state “I accept myrefusal to accept that I’m (fat).” 7 183
          • Do this mirror exercise over a fewweeks. 7 183
          • Write your feelings in your journal. Notice any changes inyour attitude as you progress. 7 183

      Building Self-Esteem 7 -8

      • The buck stops with you 8

        Taking responsibility for your feelings and actions is key to buildingself-esteem; otherwise you’ll continue to feel like a victim anddependent upon others’ feelings and behavior over which you haveno control. 8

        Notice when you think about what someone else should bedoing. Stop and ask what you need to do. (See Chapter 9.) Forexample you may tell someone to exercise or get more restwhen you need it. 8 7

        When you’re feeling hurt angry or sad do you want focuson someone else’s behavior? Think about your contributionto how you feel and ask what you can do. For example allowyour feelings write in your journal talk to a friend or go havesome fun. 8 590

        When something goes wrong or plans go awry do you blamesomeone else? Do you get frustrated in dealing with people onthe phone or driving in traffic and start to criticize them? Takeresponsibility for your feelings. Breathe and relax. 9 -135

        If you’re late for an appointment or a deadline do you makeup phony excuses or expect concessions and extensions fromthe other person rather than owning your tardiness? 9 -135

        When you have a problem consider how you can help yourself. 9 -135

        How do you feel when you are self-responsible? Whenyou’re not? 9 8

        In the areas where your self-responsibility is low write aboutwhat you can do to start taking more responsibility. If you’retempted to focus on why you can’t make changes look forways that you can. If you have a disability find things that giveyou pleasure and people to help you do what you’re unable todo yourself. Notice what beliefs and feelings stop you. 9 8

      Self Discovery-Write a paragraph completing these sentences 9 8

      • I’m passive because . . . 9
      • I allow the behavior I don’t like is because . . . 9
      • If I accepted responsibility for my body I’d . . . 9
      • If I stopped blaming my spouse for my unhappiness I’d . . . 9
      • If it were totally up to me to get what I want I’d . . . 9
      • If didn’t blame my parents for my problems I’d have to . . . 9
      • If I took responsibility for how I treat my family I’d . . . 9
      • If I took responsibility for my finances I’d . . . 9
      • If I stopped procrastinating about . . . 9
      • If I stopped waiting for things to change I’d . . . 9

      The truth sets you free 9

      Codependents are afraid to reveal themselves because at bottomthey don’t accept themselves. They’re afraid that people will beangry at them and leave if they told the truth. If you act phony thenyou always doubt the good feelings others have about you becauseyou think that they don’t really know you. 9 620

      Write a paragraph about the consequence if: 9 620

      • You didn’t worry about hurting people’s feelings? 0 7
      • You didn’t just go along with other people’s decisions? 0 7
      • You didn’t give up your time or listen when you didn’t want to? 0 7
      • You said no when you wanted to? 0 7
      • You told people when they disappointed you or hurt yourfeelings? 0 7
      • You were more honest about your opinions? 0 7
      • You weren’t afraid to show your anger? 0 7
      • You admitted when you didn’t know the answer or what to do? 0 7

      Giving yourself credit where due 1

      Acknowledge yourself 1

      • Get into the good habit of listing three positive traits orbehaviors about yourself each day. List ten if you can; evensmall things like holding the door for someone or saying goodmorning to co-workers to whom you don’t ordinarily speak 1

        List things for which you’re grateful. Gratitude blocks negativity.It’s hard to be judgmental and grateful at the same time 1

        Go over your list of self-criticisms and write encouragingstatements to counteract each criticism. Think of what youwould say to a toddler learning a new skill. Be gentle andpatient with yourself. Tell yourself “I love and accept you ”“You’re doing great ” “I’m so proud of your progress.” Remindyourself of small positive changes and how you’ve turnedthings around in the past. 1

        Arm yourself against the Critic. Sometimes when you dosomething positive the Critic steps in to minimize or negateit and looks for mistakes or reasons to tear you down. ThePerfectionist says it wasn’t quite perfect or good enough.Confront and argue with them. 1 309

      Your assets 2 104

      • Make a list of your positive traits. 2 198

        Make a list of your skills and abilities. 2 198

        Make a list of things you’ve accomplished. (If you can’t thinkof anything start with this: you learned to read!) 2 198

        Notice how you feel when complimented. Start saying “Thankyou” — end of sentence 2 198

        Write about whether and for what you received praise growingup. (In some families only negativity is allowed and noone ever gets credit.) 2 198

      Keeping commitments to yourself 2 198

      • It’s typical of codependents who wouldn’t think of breaking a datewith a friend to consistently break commitments to themselves 2 529

        “Tomorrow I’ll start a diet.” “Tomorrow I’ll go to the gym.”Whenyou do this you’re abandoning yourself — unless in someinstances it may be more loving to rest rather than do what youplanned. 2 529

        There’s only choice and consequence and you’re responsiblefor your choices and actions. Try always to choose in yourhighest self-interest — which may not give you immediate gratification but result in long-term benefits and improved self-esteem.This is the way you nourish your garden and keep it healthy 2 529

      Self-Acceptance and Self-Love 3

      Self-acceptance 3 135

      • Letting go of guilt 4

        analyze these questions 4 –

        What were my motives? Go deep with this. Was a deepermotive to feel secure or lovable? For example childhood shopliftingmay have been motivated by a desire for peer acceptanceor adultery by a need for love or retaliation for hurt. 4 24

        What were the circumstances and my knowledge at the time? 4 24

        In what way was I trying to take care of myself? 4 24

        What made my choice seem the best at the time? 4 24

        Was anyone harmed by my actions? 4 24

        Do I need to make amends? To whom? 4 24

        What did I learn from this experience? 4 24

        How would I handle this differently today? 4 24

        Write a compassionate letter to yourself forgiving yourself as youwould write to a child who’d made a mistake — a child that youlove and want to teach and forgive 4 24

        Self-acceptance means that instead of thinking about how you needto be different you accept who you are. 3 135

        Catch yourself making comparisonsto others — both positively and negatively. Perhaps you’recomparing your insides to others’ outsides. Stop 3 135

        Stop and remember thatyou and everyone else have a singular unique fingerprint 3 135

      Self-love 4 7

      • Whereas acceptance is an attitude toward yourself love is a combinationof both feeling and action 5 3

        Many think self-love is egotismor narcissism but actually egotists and narcissists don’t lovethemselves at all. 5 3

        A “big ego” is compensation for lack of self-love.Codependents think too little of themselves not too much 5 3

        Love for your Self is healthy. 5 3

        The Bible says “Love they neighboras thyself.” You’re a human being as worthy of love as anyone else.Contrary to the idea that self-love is selfish and takes away fromyour ability to love others the opposite is true. 5 6

      Practicing self-love 6 84

      • Loving yourself is a life journey and goal that starts with selfknowledge 6 168

        It’s the core of recovery and rewardsyou with enormous benefits — increased self-esteem peace well-being health and loving relationships with others 6 168

        You canconsider it a spiritual practice because it requires awareness reverence and kindness toward yourself as one of God’s creations 6 168

        Loving yourself for 10 minutes a day is a good start but it’s anongoing process. 6 168

        You have opportunities to do so throughout theday — often moment to moment — in your actions and the wayyou listen and speak to yourself 6 168

        Self-love also means having good will toward yourself 6

        Try seeingyourself through compassionate and understanding eyes as youmay see a child pet or close friend 6

        Look for the positive motivebehind your actions — it’s usually self-preservation — and that’sokay. 6

        Your actions are a result of what you’ve learned from yourparents and experiences to date 6

        By compassionately observingand thinking about your behavior you increase your opportunitiesto change it in the future. 6

  • Part III: The Skills: Taking Action
  • Chapter 11: Finding Your Voice
    • Expressing Yourself 9

      Communication involves more than your words 0

      • Eyes 0
        • Eye contact movement moisture expression and focus 0
      • Face 0
        • Expression 0
      • Body 0
        • Voluntary and involuntary movement including posture gestures and muscular tension 0
      • Skin 0
        • Color (such as blushing) and perspiration 0

      voice communicates through 0

      • Volume 0 24
      • Pitch 0 24
      • Cadence 0 24
      • Tone and emphasis 0 24
      • Fluidity 0 24
      • Enunciation 0 24

      Setting Boundaries 8 -8

      • Setting boundaries draws a line between you andsomeone else 8 -8

        It often requires that you say “No ” 8

        “I don’t wantto . . . ” 8

        I don’t like that . . . ” 8

        “I’m not willing to . . . ” 8

        “Stop it.” 8

        It’san advanced level of stating an “I” position 8

        This can be difficultbecause even when you can express yourself you may not believethat you have a right to say “No.” 8

        All the reasons you may hesitateto take an “I” position are intensified when you stand up for yourself. 8

        Setting boundaries feels confrontational — although it needn’tbe but it takes practice practice and more practice 8

        Why set boundaries 8

        • Boundaries indicate respect for others and for you 8

          Setting boundariesshows that you’re taking responsibility for caring for andprotecting yourself. 8

          Don’t advise or tell others what to do anddon’t let them tell you. 8

          Don’t blame them and don’t let them blameyou. 8

          Respect others’ bodies beliefs thoughts feelings and materialthings and require that they respect yours 8

      Your feelings 8 185

      • Practice tuning in to yourself during conversations and listen toyour body 8 374

        Are your muscles tightening heart racing or mind blurring? 8 374

        Your body may be preparing to fight or flee indicating anattack. 8 374

        You may not be aware of anything in the moment but hoursor days later have feelings traceable to the conversation. 8 374

        You may need to set limits with yourself. 8 374

        For example to workmore or less spend less time on the phone or stop volunteeringyour time and energy. 8 374

        When you’re tempted to blame someoneelse ask yourself whether you need to set a boundary concerningthat person’s behavior or your own. 8 374

      Trust and safety 8 468

      • Codependents look to others to make them feel safe 8 468

        You may notrealize that you’re feeling unsafe because you don’t trust yourself to set boundaries 8 468

        When you prove to yourself that you can say“No ” then you feel freer to say “Yes” and allow more intimacy inyour life. 8 610

        You trust yourself and feel safe because you know thatyou won’t get close to someone who’s violated your boundaries. 8 610

      Self-esteem 9 75

      Benefits from setting boundaries 9 75

      • 1. Youget the behavior you want 9 75

        2. You get the added boost to your selfesteem from honoring your needs and standing up for yourself 9 75

        3. you get stronger and it gets easier. 9 75

        4. You can letgo of control and be more spontaneous to say “Yes” and “No.” 9 75

        5. Yourealize that saying “No” to someone is saying “Yes” to you. 9 75

        6. You won’t control others or allow them to control or abuse you. 9 75

        7. You receive more respect and your self-esteem and sense of freedomand power grows and grows. 9 75

      Self Discovery 9 75

      • Practice saying “No” once a day for a week. Remember that“No” is a complete sentence 9 75
      • Practice not answering questions 9 75

      How to set boundaries 9 405

      • you have to think and not react 9 405

        You won’tbe able to set them until you’re ready and clear about what youwant 9 405

        Nagging yelling blaming and complaining are reactions thatfocus on the other person and aren’t boundaries 9 405

        Until your wordsmatch your actions you’re not setting a boundary and I guaranteeyou you’re going to be ignored. 9 405

        An ultimatum given in desperationis also a reaction and often not taken seriously 9 405

        So take yourtime and don’t pressure yourself or feel self-critical for waiting 9 405

      Your bottom line 0 0

      • To set limits you need to know your bottom line. Think of twoboundary-setting situations where: 0 0

        A. You are asked to do something you don’t want to do. 0 0

        B. Someone else’s behavior bothers you 0 0

      Do’s and Don’t’s of Setting Limits 104

      • Do
        • Be calm
        • Use “I” statements
        • Make eye-contact
        • Be direct and frank
        • Speak firmly and naturally
        • Be warm
        • Relax
        • Listen
      • Don’t
        • Apologize ramble or waffle
        • Blame scold nag get angry
        • Bring up the past
        • Justify and explain
        • Be sarcastic cold superior
        • Fidge
        • Use a loud or soft wavering voice
        • Say “You know” or “I mean”

      Confronting abuse 527

      • Emotional abuse may start innocuously but grow as the abuserbecomes more assured that you won’t leave the relationship 3 3

        Itmay not begin until after an engagement marriage or pregnancy 3 3

        Ifyou look back you may recall telltale signs of control or jealousy. 3 3

      Prepare to confront the abuse by doing the following 3 -104

      • Start to recognize instances when you’re emotionally abused.Watch the abuser’s tactics and write them down. Think of itas research data rather than taking it personally. 3 -104

        Pay attention to how you feel in your body and your feelingsat these times. A knot in your stomach or a change of moodindicates that the interaction is making you feel badly. Identifyyour feelings 3 -104

        You must first feel that you’re entitled to more respect. Do theexercises in previous chapters 3 -9

        Practice saying “No” and setting limits with strangers thenwith nonthreatening acquaintances and people in your life.The more you value the relationship the more anxious youare. Work up to doing this with the abuser where you canexpect a reaction. 3 -9

        Work on childhood issues of abuse to help you handle conflict 3 227

        Take an assertiveness class 3 227

        Join a Twelve Step program and or get counseling to help youboth raise your self-esteem and deal with an abuser. It usuallytakes the support and validation of a group therapist or counselor to be able to stand up to abuse consistently.Without it you may doubt your reality feel guilty and fearreprisal or loss of the relationship. 3 227

      other effective ways torespond shown in the following examples 3 416

      • Start by asking for clarification. Say “Would you please repeatthat?” or “Would you please explain what you mean when youcall me a jerk?” 3 416

        State your feelings. “Do you realize that calling me names hurtsmy feelings?” You may soon discover the abuser doesn’t care 4

        State an observation. Casually without blame comment “Youseem to like putting me down (interrupting me giving orders).” 4

        Imply boundaries. “You’re entitled to your opinion ” or “Wedisagree ” or “I don’t see it that way ” and add “I’ll think aboutit.” Reply to blame with “I don’t take responsibility for that.” 4

        Try humor which defeats the abuser’s motive of havingpower over you but don’t be sarcastic. 4

        Agreeing with the criticism surprises the abuser and stopsthe criticism: “It was really dumb of me to forget to mail thatletter.” or “I’d win ‘slob of the month’ award.” or “I guess I’llnever be a good enough son.” You can qualify your agreementwith “You may be right.” 4

      Recognizing domestic violence 5

      Domestic violence means physical abuse 5

      • which includes damagingproperty or your belongings 5
      • hair pulling 5
      • kicking 5
      • slapping 5
      • hitting 5
      • bruising 5
      • burning 5
      • shoving 5
      • blocking with a weapon 5

      Violenceis about control and always begins with emotional abuse althoughemotional abuse doesn’t precede physical abuse. 5

      If there’s physicalabuse in your relationship it will likely be repeated. 5

      Promises thatit won’t happen again occur after an incident when the abuser isremorseful. 5

      Victims are dependent on their partners and continue tostay with them hoping and believing the abuser’s promise 5

      Living with domestic violence destroys your self-esteem. 5

      The safety of you and your children should be your numberoneconcern. What can you do? 5 194

      • Improve you communication skills 5

        Build your self-esteem 5

        Join a Twelve Step program and enter individual therapy. Thismay be more helpful than couple’s therapy. 5

        Practice setting boundaries to emotional abuse 5

        Don’t enable the abuser by maintaining secrecy about theviolence or addiction. Secrecy isolates you from help and supportand increases the abuser’s control over you. 5

        Learn all you can about domestic violence 5

        Be prepared to leave quickly. Plan how to exit in advance 6

        Alert neighbors to call the police if they hear loud disturbances 6

        Arrange a place to stay with a friend or relative. Have a bag inyour car and or at your safe place with extra medicine and keys jewelry cell phone address book. Pack children’s clothes 6

        Keep the numbers of a local shelter and hotlines handy 6

        Copy and pack important legal documents such as birthcertificates court orders passport and bank home and carownership records. 6

        Open credit card and bank accounts in your name; be sure topack credit cards checkbooks and cash. 6

      Coping with boundary setting 6

      Handling Conflict 6

      • Conflict in relationships is inevitable 6

        It’s natural that two peoplewill have miscommunications and different desires and needs 6

        Infact it’s said that in every misunderstanding there are six peopleinvolved: the couple and two sets of parents. 6

        This is because whatyou witnessed while you were growing up in your family influencesyour values perceptions and expectations. 6

        Knowing this is differentthan accepting it. Think 6

        Think about your differences realize thatthey come with any relationship and try to accept them unlessthey violate your bottom line and are non-negotiable 6

      There are no villains and no victims 7

      Rules of engagement 7

      • To manage conflict in your intimate relationships together establishand write down rules to govern arguments such as not bringingup the past 7

        Allow each other to call time-out and have timelimitedtalks to give you space in between to think things over. 7

        Repeating and even role-playing each other’s position can be veryhelpful 7

        If conflict continues without resolution consider couplescounseling. 7

  • Chapter 12: Recovery and Your Family Friends and Lovers
    • Sexual attraction and attachment cause you to overlook red flags.When in the relationship the very traits you liked can be problems 0 468

      Your Partner 9

      Your Family Members 1

      Your Dysfunctional Friends 3

      Healing your family relations 3 -8

      • Your parents don’t have to heal for you to get well. 3 -8

        Cut-offs don’t heal 3 -8

        You don’t have to like your parents but you probably lovethem — even though you may not feel it. 3 -8

        Active addiction or abuse by a parent may trigger you. Setboundaries and practice nonattachment 3 -8

        You can’t change or rescue family members 3 -8

        Indifference not hatred or anger is the opposite of love. 3 -8

        Hating someone else interferes with loving yourself 3 -8

        Unresolved anger and resentment hurt you 3 -8

      Codependency Phobia 4

      Codependency in the Bedroom 5

      Dating 7

      Types of relationships 7

      • 1. Casual or Functional Meeting 8
      • 2. Acquaintance 8
      • 3. Activity Partner 8
      • 4. Friend 8
      • 5. Romantic Partner 8
      • 6. Marriage or Longterm Partner 8

      Friendships can take years to develop. If you expect them to happenin a few months of knowing someone you may be disappointed asyou learn more about the person. If you add sex to the equation then it’s a romantic partner although some people have sex witha casual stranger acquaintance or activity partner. If you do it’s amistake to expect your lover to want to spend time with you outsideof sex so it may be important to find that out if you can be friendsfirst. Otherwise you may end up feeling used or let down. 8 260

      For starters 9 -39

      Physical attraction tells you nothing about the person’s integrityor capacity to respect you and maintain a healthy relationship 9 -39

      Making good choices is based upon knowing and valuing yourself your needs wants and standards and knowing the other person. 9 -39

      Self-acceptance means that you don’t judge or deny your needs orvalues in order to make a relationship work 9 243

      Closeness vs. separateness 9 243

      Codependents use a self-defeating all-or-nothing approach todating. Either you feel intense physical attraction coupled withan underlying fear of abandonment or you’re bored and indifferent.When you’re interested in someone you soon discloseyour history and deep feelings and secrets in order to feel close.Boundaries merge quickly and you become dependent drop hobbiesand plans with friends. Soon you stop being honest and pleaseand manipulate in order to protect the wonderful feelings of beingwith the other person. 9 291

      Sex 0 -104

      • Before having sex with someone you’redating think about 0 39

        What are your desires and expectations concerning having asexual relationship? Do you want an exclusive relationship? 0 39

        If you haven’t discussed this with your partner why not? 0 39

        How will having sex affect you emotionally? 0 39

        What are the health risks? 0 39

        How do you feel about sexually transmitted diseases (STDs)?If you don’t know get the facts about STDs. Most people don’tknow when they’re infected. Only a test can be relied upon 0 39

        Sex and dating can be a minefield for codependents with poorboundaries and self-esteem. Both men and women use seductionto hide their fears of inadequacy and that they don’t know howto be authentic and intimate. 0 39

        The one seduced may interpret theattention to mean more than sexual attraction and manipulation.Women often have difficulty saying “No” to sex that they don’twant to have because they feel responsible for their partners’sexual needs and or so men will continue dating them. 0 39

        Doing somay lower their opinion of themselves and their self-esteem. Sexbecomes a substitute for intimacy to reduce their depression andloneliness. Real intimacy takes time together self-esteem skill and trust 0 39

      Never have sex: 0 468

      • If you’re afraid 0 468
      • If you feel guilty or obligated 0 468
      • To win someone’s love 0 468
      • To change or manipulate someone 0 468
  • Chapter 13: Going for the Gold — Healing Your Past
    • The Wounded Child 1
    • Your child’s characteristics 2 260
      • Imperfect 2 260
        • Makes mistakes 2 260
        • stumbles 2 260
        • forgets 2 260
        • spills things 2 260
        • Needy 2 260
      • Playful and creative 2 7
        • Uses limitless imagination 2 7
      • Spontaneous 2 7
        • Responds to changing ideas feelings and needs 2 7
      • Dependent 2 7
        • Needs adults for help instruction andencouragement 2 7
      • Immature 2 7
        • Acts like a child not a grown up 2 7
      • Vulnerable 2 7
        • Expresses all needs and feelings 2 7
      • Authentic 2 7
        • Appears without defenses or pretense 2 7
      • Innocent 2 7
        • Is unashamed of being bad defective or not enough 2 7
      • Enthusiastic and energetic 3 3
        • Exudes excitement and zeal 3 3
      • Loving and lovable 3 3
        • Gives and deserves love 3 3
    • Your child’s needs 3
      • Coreneeds of a child are: 3
      • Unconditional love 3
      • Safety 3
      • Being listened to 3
      • Touch 3
      • Guidance 3
      • Respect 3
      • Nurturing 3
      • Play 3
      • Encouragement 3
    • Nurturing your child
      • Listening
        • Create quiet alone time to hear what’s on yourchild’s mind. 5 485
      • Mirroring 5
        • Repeat what your child says and name feelings such as “I hear that you’re sad.” 5
      • Understanding: 5
        • “It was unfair that you were treated that way.That must have hurt a lot.” 5
      • Acceptance: 6
        • “It’s okay. You’re not bad for feeling (angry hopeless confused).” All feelings are okay. 6
      • Empathy: 6
        • “I know how you feel.” 6
      • Consolation and comfort: 6
        • “You won’t always feel this way. Itwill get better.” 6
      • Encouragement 6 -30
        • “You can do it and we can do it together.” 6 -30
      • Unconditional love 6 -30
        • Say “I love you” in the mirror even foryour seemingly damaged parts 6 -30
    • Grieving Your Losses — Feel to Heal 8
      • Rationalizing 8 553
        • “My parents did the best that they could ” or“They didn’t know better.” Even if these statements were true they deny the effect they had on you. 8 553
      • Justifying 8 817
        • “My dad had a rough childhood ” or “I was a difficultkid.” 8 817
      • Minimizing 9 38
        • “It wasn’t so bad. I know kids who had it worse.” 9 38
      • Avoidance 9 38
        • Using an addiction (including food work andrelationships) to avoid feelings. Thinking it’s in the past anddoesn’t bother me. “Grief won’t change anything ” or “My parentsare dead now anyway.” 9 38
      • Intellectualizing 9 113
        • “I know all about it ” but without feelings 9 113
      • Premature forgiveness 9 113
        • Forgiveness before working throughgrief can abort the process and block the healthy release ofemotions that keep you stuck. 9 113
    • The childhood you missed 9 679
      • Experiencing the death or separation from a loved one or pet 9

        Knowing all the things your friends could do that you couldn’t 9

        Finding the lack of a happy carefree childhood 51

        Giving up the illusion of having had a happy childhood 51

        Giving up the hope you can get today what you didn’t before 51

        Having parents absent from PTA meetings athletic events oryour graduation performance or award ceremony 51

        Not having friends over because you were too embarrassed 51

        Preferring someone else as a parent because something waslacking in your relationship with your parent 51

        Going through things alone or having no one to talk to 201

        Being physically or emotionally abandoned 201

        Feeling your parents’ divorce and its consequences

        Not receiving encouragement guidance or financial support

        Being excluded from an inheritance

        Feeling unsafe or not trusting family members

        Seeing the damage and lost time your past has caused and theenergy and money you must spend to heal now

        Missing an extended family

        Experiencing ruined holidays birthdays and vacations orhaving had none

        Experiencing the inability to enjoy healthy intimacy andrelationships

        Feeling damage to your self-esteem and ability to love

        Missing specific feelings such as spontaneity joy and fun

        Losing innocence including virginity from incest or rape

        Missing successes or goals you may have achieved

    • Faces of grief -201
      • Mood swings 26
      • Fatigue and exhaustion 26
      • Memory gaps 26
      • Obsessive thoughts 26
      • Confusion 26
      • Feeling lost aimless and lack of meaning 26
      • Feeling spacey and disorganized; difficulty thinking 26
      • Anger including rage self-pity and bitterness 26
      • Shame and guilt 26
      • Feeling stuck and unable to move on 26
      • Hopelessness 26
      • Crying sorrow and sadness 26
      • Deadness emptiness or sense of unreality 26
    • 5 Stages of grief 365
      • 1. Denial 517
        • Believing you feel fine or your childhood washappy or minimizing or excusing parents’ behavior 517
      • 2. Anger 517
        • Anger can last a long time; it’s important not to getstuck there and to allow your sadness 517
      • 3. Bargaining 517
        • Thinking “If only . . . ” about the past or makingdeals with God about the future 517
      • 4. Depression 517
        • Caused by sorrow and sadness which mayinclude feelings of emptiness and hopelessness 517
      • 5. Acceptance 517
        • Doesn’t mean that you forget or are okay withwhat happened but that you see your past objectively withoutdenial or strong emotions about what happened to you 517
    • Suggestions for healing
      • What stage are you with respect to each loss? Track stagesas you experience them but don’t judge how far along you’vecome because the stages recycle

        Allow yourself to feel whatever feelings you’ve identified without justifying your parents’ actions or blaming yourself.

        Share your feelings where it’s safe and find productive waysto vent your anger.

        Write a letter to your parent(s) stating:

        • What was done to you
        • How you felt then
        • How you feel about it now
        • How it has affected you

        Read the letter to someone you trust

        Imagine your parent in a chair and read the letter aloud

        Deeply relax and imagine your parent and share the letter

        Think about what you want from the person today.

    • Acceptance -98
      • Acceptance is key to moving on whereas grief and resentmentprevent growth. Your fate included your parents and they’re partof you like it or not -98

        Some people ask if forgiveness is necessary to heal 15

        Forgivenessshouldn’t bypass grief but be a natural consequence. 15

        It’s a process and if given too soon can abort healing — if withheld toolong can prevent you from moving on. 15

        Unresolved anger andresentment can turn into guilt low self-esteem and shame andcan spill over into current relationships 15

        When grieving is completed you discover new hope and energyto live your life — more than if you don’t grieve

        You accept yourchildhood and that these were your parents

        A burden has beenlifted and you feel lighter.

        You can focus on your future becauseyou’re not controlled by your past

        You gain self-esteem selfcompassion and a sense of well-being.

        You’re able to risk trustingand loving in more realistic and healthy ways

    • Keep in mind what forgivenessis and isn’t. It: 15
      • Means you let go of your hurt and resentment
      • Means you let go of any desire for retribution or compensation
      • Doesn’t mean condoning the abuser’s actions
      • Doesn’t mean forgetting
      • Doesn’t necessarily mean being friends or having a relationship
      • Doesn’t mean trusting or being vulnerable to the abuser
    • Confrontations
      • You don’t have to confront the abuser in person to heal

        Theperson may be dead too old or infirm.

        Whether or not you decideto have a personal confrontation follow the suggestions in thisbook — to come out of denial strengthen your support system self-esteem boundaries and assertiveness and to heal grief anger and shame.

        Confrontation should be for you — without unrealistic expectationsthat the abuser will magically change 3

        Prepare to be attacked

        You’reprobably challenging denial that has been maintained for years andif you’re focused on getting something from the abuser you may bedisappointed

        If you’re seeking revenge you have unfinished angerwork to do and a confrontation may leave you feeling guilty and preventor prolong reconciliation if you want it one day.

    • Before confronting a parent or abuser ask yourself:
      • What are your motives?
      • What do you hope to accomplish?
      • What are your expectations?
      • Can you live with your worst imagined outcome?
      • Do you have a strong support system?
      • Are you secure in what happened to you in the face of denial?
      • Are you secure in knowing it wasn’t your fault?
      • What do you still need and want from your family?
      • Can you live without it or without contact with them?
      • Are you prepared to handle blame and angry reprisals?
      • What if you get no reaction?
    • Healing Trauma 411
      • Trauma can be emotional physical or environmental and canrange from experiencing an earthquake to humiliation by a bully

        The focus here is on emotional trauma which is a stressful eventor ongoing situation that overwhelms your ability to cope withwhat’s happening

        Some of your childhood losses such as any kindof abuse or divorce may have been traumatic

        Kinds of trauma 235 -141

        With codependency traumatization usually starts when youwere very young so you hadn’t yet developed coping skills that ahealthy adult would have 235 -141

        Events had a greater impact on you thenthan they would today. 235 -141

    • Examples of traumatic occurrences are 235 -141
      • Betrayal 235 -3

        Abuse; remember that it may be subtle or covert andcan be as damaging as violence if enduring. Physical andsexual abuse are both physical and emotional traumas 235 -3

        Addiction or living with an addict 235 -3

        Death of a loved one or physical or emotional abando 235 -3

        Pain 235 -3

        Threat of physical pain harm or abandonment 235 -3

        Helplessness 235 -3

        Poverty 235

        Real or threatened loss of anything of value 235

        Witnessing a trauma to someone else including survivor guilt 235

    • Symptoms of trauma 235
      • Trauma is a subjective experience and differs from person toperson. Each child in a family will react differently to the sameexperience and to trauma 235 297

        Symptoms may come and go and maynot show up until years after the event 235 297

        You needn’t have all of thefollowing symptoms to have experienced trauma: 235 374

        Over-reacting to triggers that are reminders of the trauma 235

        Avoiding thinking experiencing or talking about triggers forthe trauma 235

        Avoiding activities you once enjoyed 235

        Feeling hopeless about the future 235

        Experiencing memory lapses or inability to recall parts oftrauma 235

        Having difficulty concentrating 235

        Having difficulty maintaining close relationships 235

        Feeling irritable or angry 235

        Feeling overwhelming guilt or shame -29

        Behaving in a self-destructive manner -29

        Being easily frightened and startled -29

        Being hypervigilant — excessively fearful -29

        Hearing or seeing things that aren’t there -29

        Having restricted feelings — sometimes numb or emotionallyflat or detached from emotions other people or events -29

        Feeling depersonalized; a loss of Self or cut off from your bodyand environment — like you’re going through the motions -29

        Having flashbacks of scenes or reliving the past event -29

        Having dreams or nightmares about the past -29

        Experiencing insomnia -29

        Experiencing panic attacks -29

    • Post-traumatic stress syndrome (PTSD) 348
      • Post-traumatic stress syndrome (PTSD) is not uncommon amongcodependents who experienced trauma or grew up with a practicingaddict. 348

        Core symptoms of PTSD 348

        Intrusive thoughts in the form of dreams waking flashbacks or recurring negative thoughts 348

        Avoidance of reminders of the trauma including forgetting oravoiding sleep and shutting down feelings or numbness 348

        Hyperarousal putting your nervous system on alert creatingirritability exhaustion and difficulty relaxing and sleeping 425

        Trauma is debilitating and robs you of your life. Often a person hasexperienced several traumas resulting in more severe symptoms such as mood swings depression high blood pressure and chronicpain. Focus on treating both the trauma and codependency 425

    • Treatment 425
      • 8. Effective therapies of Trauma –
        • 1. Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT): CBT is recommendedfor PTSD and associated thoughts feelings and beliefs -3

          2. Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR):EMDR uses eye movements to alter beliefs and feelings. Theeye movements affect the brain’s patterns -3

          3. Emotional freedom technique (EFT): EFT is based on tappingacupressure points that reduce emotional reactivity. -3

          4. Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT): REBT challengesbeliefs and thoughts without reviewing the past -3

          5. Visualization: This lessens the impact of an event by reexperiencingit in a safe situation with the aid of an advocateor protector to gain a new perspective and coping strategies -3

          6. Psychodynamic psychotherapy: This helps you to identifytriggers change your thoughts and beliefs handle emotions conflicts and symptoms created by the trauma set boundaries and increase your self-esteem and self-compassion -3

          7. Desensitization: This a technique used in various forms oftherapy to reduce your reactivity to triggers. -3

          8. Support groups including Twelve Step programs: Tellingwhat happened and listening to others discharges your emotions informs you about trauma breaks down shame andhelps you to handle emotions and rebuild confidence andtrust. Groups are an excellent adjunct to individual therapy.They don’t usually afford you the privacy and individual attentionneeded to focus on the personal aspects of the traumayou experienced.

        A number of treatments have been shown to be successful to treattrauma 727

        Talking about what happened to you in a group setting isuseful but it won’t be as effective as working one-on-one with atrained therapist in an environment where you feel safe to expressyour feelings and receive feedback 727

  • Chapter 14: Healing Pleasures
    • Coming to Your Senses
    • Making Time to Play 5
    • Creating a Spiritual Practice 8
    • Reaching Out to Friends 3
  • Chapter 15: Coping with Relapse
    • Replays Are Normal 5
    • Triggers 8
    • Crossovers and Sequels 9
    • Coping with Relapse 4
  • Part IV: Standing on Your Own: Leaving Codependency Behind
  • Chapter 16: Relationships that Work
    • Relationship Success 9
    • Self-Development and Relationships 8
    • Intimacy 2
    • Coping with Loneliness 5
  • Chapter 17: Empowering You
    • Self-Empowerment 7
    • Following Your Bliss 292
    • Setting Goals 295
  • Chapter 18: Where to Get Help
    • Twelve Step Meetings and Support Groups 3
    • Psychotherapy
    • Recommended Reading 9
    • Emergency Numbers 0
  • Part V: The Part of Tens
  • Chapter 19: Ten Ways to Love Yourself
    • 1. Have a Spiritual Practice 3
    • 2. Receive Support 4
    • 3. Meet Your Needs 4
    • 4. Have Fun 5
    • 5. Protect Yourself 5
    • 6. Accept Yourself 5
    • 7. Gentle Yourself 6
    • 8. Encourage Yourself 6
    • 9. Express Yourself 7
    • 10 Pursue Your Passions 7
  • Chapter 20: 10 Daily Reminders
    • 1. Do Focus on Yourself
    • 2. Do Let Go 0
    • 3. Do Trust Your Experience 0
    • 4. Do Honor Your Feelings 1
    • 5. Do Be Yourself 1
    • 6. Don’t React 2
    • 7. Don’t Hurry 2
    • 8. Don’t Worry 3
    • 9. Don’t Try to be Perfect 3
    • 10. Don’t Isolate 4
  • Stages of Codependency
    • Stage 1
      • Attracted to needy person; offers help, gifts, meals
      • Attempts to please the person
      • Obsessed with the person and his or her behavior
      • Rationalizes and doubts own perceptions
      • Denial about addiction, but concern grows
      • Gives up own activities to be with the person
      • Family and social life affected
      • Increasingly emotionally dependent on the person
    • Stage 2
      • Denies/Minimizes painful aspects of relationship
      • Hides from others painful aspects of relationship
      • Anxiety, guilt, and self-blame increase
      • Self-esteem lessens
      • Withdraws from outside family and friends
      • Obsessively watches the person and addiction
      • Tries to control by nagging, blaming, manipulation
      • Anger and disappointment due to broken promises
      • Resentment at inability to control the person
      • Mood swings and increased conflict and violence
      • Enables and manages the person’s responsibilities
      • Hides family secret (addiction)
      • Uses food, alcohol, drugs, shopping, work to cope
    • Stage 3
      • Develops physical symptoms
      • Feels angry, hopeless, and depressed
      • Obsessive-compulsive behavior, addiction
      • Further decline in self-esteem
      • Despair and lack of self-care
      • Increased conflicts
  • Recovery Mindsets
    • Stage 1
      • Hits bottom and reaches out for help for self
      • Learns about codependency and addiction
      • Joins Twelve Step program and/or therapy
      • Begins to have hope
      • Comes out of denial
      • Learns recovery is for self
      • Refocuses on self
      • Begins to build own identity
    • Stage 2
      • Understands powerlessness
      • Begins reliance on a spiritual source
      • Begins to detach
      • Self-awareness grows
      • Makes new friends
      • Develops outside activities
      • Stops enabling and controlling
      • Learns assertiveness
      • Takes responsibility for own self
      • Increases self-care and self-esteem
      • Sets boundaries and less reactive
      • More emotional independence
      • Heals childhood wounds
    • Stage 3
      • Happiness doesn’t depend on others
      • Self-esteem and confidence return
      • Has own power and pursues goals
      • Is expansive, creative, spontaneous
      • Experiences self-love
      • Capacity for interdependency and intimacy
  • Traits of Codependents
    • 1 Confusion between love and pity; they love those they think they can rescue or pity

      2 Constantly attempting to do more than their share

      3 Exaggerating their responsibility for what other people do

      4 Difficulty with intimate relationships and moral boundaries

      5 Lack of trust; both in themselves and other people

      6 Fragile feelings that are hurt whenever their efforts aren’t recognized

      7 Dependence on at least one relationship, which they will do almost anything conceivable to keep

      8 Unhealthy need for recognition or approval

      9 Needing to control others

      10 Difficulty in making decisions

      11 Feeling guilty for asserting themselves

      12 Problems with communication

      13 Consistent anger and/or difficulty expressing it

      14 Inability to adjust to change

      15 Fearful of being alone or abandoned

      16 Problems with understanding basic feelings

      17 Low self-esteem

      18 Obsession for someone else

      19 The need to be a caretaker

      20 Chronic lying and deception

      21 Dependency on someone else for their own needs

      22 Depression

      23 Denial

      24 Procrastination

      25 Anxiety

      26 Repression of personal needs

      27 Perfectionism

      28 Compulsive talking

      29 Dependency on over-possessive relationships

  • Codependency Quiz
    • 1 It’s hard for me to identify my feelings.

      2 It’s hard for me to express my feelings.

      3 I find it hard to form close relationships.

      4 I feel like everything has to be just right all the time.

      5 Everything has to be done in a certain kind of way, or it doesn’t feel right.

      6 I don’t like change.

      7 I feel like I have to be responsible for other people’s behavior or their feelings.

      8 I feel bad if other people don’t approve of me.

      9 Sometimes I worry so much about a decision that I get stuck or I spend hours awake at night worrying about it.

      10 Sometimes I feel that nothing I do makes a difference.

      11 I feel bad about myself much of the time.

      12 I feel like I fail at most everything I do.

      13 I get jealous very easily.

      14 I put others’ needs before me, even if it hurts me.

      15 I need lots of reassurance to feel okay about myself.

      16 I have a hard time being apart from the people that I love.

      17 I often feel worthless.

      18 I tend to idealize, then demonize the person I love, sometimes in the same day.

      19 Whenever I’m unhappy, I will drink, take drugs, overeat, go on a shopping spree, engage in unsafe sex, gamble, or do other inappropriate behaviors which I regret later.

      20 I’m often so afraid of bad things happening to the people I care about that I tend to be overprotective.

      21 When I’m in a relationship I want to be with that person 24 hours a day. As a result, I’m often accused of smothering.

      22 I have a hard time trusting people.

      23 I’m at my best when I’m doing things for other people.

      24 People tend to take advantage of me when I do nice things for them.

      25 It’s not okay to do things for myself; that’s selfish.

      26 I was always expected to be the perfect child in my family of origin.

      27 It’s best if I don’t talk about my personal problems.

      28 When I do things just for myself, I feel guilty.

      29 If I just try harder, I know that things will get better.

      30 If I don’t take care of things they just won’t get done.

  • Codependency Quiz-Positive Notes
    • 1 Identify your feelings and emotions

      2 Express your feelings and emotions

      3 Form close replationship whenever you can.

      4 Don’t wait for everything to be perfect, just right is ok

      5 Everything does not need to be done in a certain or perfect way or your way.

      6 Love/embrace change

      7 Don’t be “all” responsible for other people’s behavior or their feelings

      8 Don’t feel bad if other people don’t approve you.

      9 Be decisive and move on. Don’t dwell too much on decision making.

      10 Think that what you do makes a difference.

      11 Feel good about yourself all the time.

      12 Think that you always succeed on whatever things/project you are doing

      13 Jealousy is not a good thing, delete it.

      14 Don’t put others need before yours unless the situation is putting other at risk.

      15 You don’t need reassurance from others.

      16 Being apart from people we love cannot be avoided, accept it with excitement

      17 You are a wothy person

      18 Don’t idealize the person you love

      19 Delete drinking, taking drugs, shopping spree and all other addictive behaviors

      20 You don’t have to be overprotective of other people. They can handle it.

      21 You don’t need to be with the other person you love 24/7, give them space.

      22 Trust people, humans can be trusted.

      23 Don’t overdo doing things for others, it’s not really your job to save others.

      24 Being nice is fine, don’t overdo it.

      25 It’s okay to do things for yourself. No one will do it for you.

      26 You don’t have to be so perfect. No one is.

      27 Share your personal problems to those you can trust, it’s liberating.

      28 Doing things for yourselft is what normal people do, you don’t have to feel guilty

      29 Trying harder is not natural, don’t over do. Learn to accept things that are not going your way.

      30 You don’t have to save the world. Don’t carry the world in your shoulder. Do what you can.

  • Codependency Broken Boundaries
    • A. Low Self-Esteem
      • I don’t like myself.
      • I can’t do that.
      • I don’t trust myself.
      • I don’t know what to do.
      • I don’t like attention.
      • I don’t know what I want
    • B. Fear
      • What if I’m all alone?
      • What if I’m rejected?
      • What if I lose myself in someone else?
      • What if I fail?
      • What if I’m judged?
      • What if I get hurt?
      • Love hurts.
    • C. Shame
      • I’m a failure.
      • I don’t matter.
      • I’m unlovable.
      • I don’t deserve happiness
      • I’m a bad person.
      • I’m a phoney.
      • I’m defective
    • D. Guilt
      • I should do more.
      • I should try harder.
      • It’s all my fault.
      • I made a mistake.
      • I’m sorry.
  • Codependency Broken Boundaries-Reversal
    • A. Low Self-Esteem
      • Like/love yourself.
      • You can do anything you desire.
      • Trust yourself.
      • You know what to do.
      • Spotlight is okay sometimes
      • Know what you want.
    • B. Fear
      • Sometimes you will be alone.
      • Rejection is a part of life.
      • Find someone else.
      • Try again.
      • With what?
      • Take it and move on.
      • Love sometimes hurt but not all the time.
    • C. Shame
      • You are not a failure.
      • You matters.
      • You are lovable.
      • You deserve to be happy.
      • You are a good person.
      • You are real.
      • You are not defective
    • D. Guilt
      • You’ve done your best.
      • You’ve tried hard.
      • It’s not you fault.
      • Mistake is part of life, make a correction.
      • Don’t be so sorry.
  • Symptoms of Codependency
    • Low self-esteem
      • Not liking or accepting yourself
      • Feeling you’re inadequate in some way
      • Thinking you’re not quite enough
      • Worrying you are or could be a failure
      • Concerned with what other people think about you
    • Perfectionism
    • Pleasing others and giving up yourself
    • Poor boundaries
      • Boundaries that are too weak and there’s not enough separateness between you and your partner
      • Boundaries that are too rigid and keep you from being close
      • Boundaries that flip back and forth between too close and too rigid
    • Reactivity
    • Dysfunctional Communication
      • Difficulty expressing thoughts and feelings
      • Difficulty setting boundaries — saying “No” or stopping abuse
      • Abusive language
      • Lack of assertiveness about your needs
    • Dependency
      • Afraid of being alone or out of a relationship
      • Feeling trapped in a bad relationship and unable to leave
      • Relying too much on others opinions
    • Intimacy problems
      • Avoidance of closeness
      • Losing yourself
      • Trying to control or manipulate others
      • Feeling trapped in a dysfunctional relationship
    • Denial
      • Denial of codependency
      • Denial about a painful reality in your relationship
      • Denial of your feelings
      • Denial of your needs
    • Caretaking
    • Control
      • Controlling your own feelings
      • Managing and controlling people in your life; telling them what to do
      • Manipulating others to feel or behave like you want (people pleasing is a manipulation)
    • Obsessions
    • Addiction to a substance or process
    • Painful emotions
      • Shame
      • Anxiety
      • Fear
      • Guilt
      • Hopelessness
      • Despair
      • Depression
  • Compiled By:
    • blindcaveman.wordpress.com
    • Rigel Arcayan

Mindmap-BookSummary-Challenges in Counselling Loss

Mindmap-BookSummary-Challenges in Counselling Loss

  • About Challenges In Counselling Loss
    • Date Read: September 10, 2016
    • Author: Sally Taylor
    • ISBN: 978 1 444 1 8772 4
    • 161 pages
    • MyRating: 5 Stars
  • 1 Introduction
    • Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space isour power to choose our response. In our response lies our growthand our freedom. Viktor Frankl

      Loss

      • Loss is a large and complex subject; its effects are far ranging andcan be likened to the impact of throwing a huge pebble into a pond.After the first impact, which cuts through the calm of the water, itsripples continue to spread across its surface.

        Loss is an area where notwo stories will ever be the same, which is one aspect that I believemakes the work both challenging and fascinating. When we face losswe can t change what has happened the lost person/object/state ofour being will remain lost bu

        Loss is losing something we are attached to. This can be loss of a person(through death, which is the focus of this book), of an object, or of our being

      4 dimensions of loss

      • LOSS OF PERSON THROUGH CIRCUMSTANCES
        • EMOTIONAL
        • S E X U A L
        • Friendships
        • THROUGH ABUSE
        • foster care
        • adoption
        • SEPARATE
        • DIVORCE
      • LOSS OF PERSONTHROUGH DEATH
        • TYPE OF DEATH
          • Long term illness/disability
          • murder
          • suicide
          • accident
        • age
        • Age of the bereaved
        • Who Died
        • ALSO IMPORTANT TO NOTE
        • when they died
        • relationship
        • PLACE OF DEATH
        • MISCARRIAGE
        • termination
      • THE LOSS OF AN OBJECT
        • WORK
        • Possessions
        • MONEY
        • RETIREMENT
        • Redundancy
        • Stocks/shares
      • LOSS TO SELF
        • CHILDHOOD
        • FAITH
        • Vision/hearing
        • Hair
        • IDENTITY
        • Hair colour
        • AT BIRTH
        • FEMINITY/VIRILITY
        • Untitled
        • ROLE
        • fertility
        • Sex
        • SKIN TONE
        • PHYSICAL ILLNESS
        • MENTAL ILLNESS

      Why is counselling needed followinga death?

      • Natural communities of support are less available
        • Society s response to death has changed across the years, which hasresulted in the former natural communities of support being less accessible
      • Lost for words
        • A central theme with bereaved clients is their difficulty in talking aboutexperiences of death to friends and acquaintances. They describe howpeople cross the road to avoid talking to them, or avoid the subject. Thisreflects a difficulty in society in fac
      • A loss will turn your life upside down
        • Loss can be a life-shattering event and an experience which can and willprovoke a series of powerful emotions that can create a ripple effect intosurrounding relationships and activities. Much more can be affected thanthe loss itself, which can leave people
      • Varying reactions to different types of loss
        • Reactions can be affected by different factors of loss such as the type andstrength of relationship the bereaved individual had with the deceased. Thiswill be affected by the age and/or stage of life of the person who has died,or the way in which he or she

      Chapter Summary

      • It is important to note when working with loss that it is a topic thatis all around us. When someone loses a person close to them theindividual s whole life can be turned upside down.

        All aspects of life are affected by loss, which make them central to ourwork. It is also important to acknowledge that loss can create a rippleeffect of further losses in someone s life.

        Loss has an holistic impact and therefore requires holistic responses,which is one of the reasons why working with loss is so challenging.

        There are many challenges in counselling people who are facing loss,including the professional and personal anxieties we may have for ourclient, as well as those we may have for ourselves.

        Above all, it is important to note that however many anxietiesyou may have about working with loss, or working with loss in thefuture, you are not alone. Many counsellors find that loss is a highlychallenging subject and its effects are multifold

  • 2 Settings
    • The service (hospice bereavement) . . . it was tucked away. Youknow what they say out of sight, out of mind . Parent, Flatteau Taylor 2003

      Setting: space and place

      • It is a given that the physical place for counselling always needs to be ascomfortable, confidential, and accessible as possible. In the voluntarysector, often with the most stringent of budgets, this can be a struggle,but it is possible

      Counselling in the home setting

      • Feedback I have received from many tutors of counselling courses hasnoted a view that counselling provided in the home is not pure counselling (and often therefore sessions cannot be included inplacement hours). However, it is intrinsic to some aspects of

        1. Interruptions: we cannot control the postman calling or the phoneringing. However, we can create contracts with our clients to minimisethese possibilities

        2. Privacy: another family member/care staff may be in the home whichmay cause concerns about confidentiality and may cause constraintsfor the client who may fear being overheard.

        3. The environment: we cannot create seating that is set at acomfortable distance apart or on the same level, etc; we have to sitwhere we can. It is important to check with the client that where wechoose to sit is appropriate to them; for example, in case i

        Importance of environment

      Chapter Summary

      • Loss and bereavement counselling is integrated within differing levelsacross a variety of settings.

        The majority of policies and procedures are created locally; there arefew national guidelines

        However, what does emerge is that loss and bereavement can beseen as a secondary service when it is offered as a part of a widerorganisation

        Whether a service stands alone or is a department in a largerorganisation, it will have its own culture and this will always have aneffect on the service provided and the clients who receive that service.Some of the impacts are apparent; some are quite hidd

        The name of the service will have an impact on clients, which weshould acknowledge explicitly alongside our job title. It will also havean impact on us as practitioners

        Working off-site can lead to additional tensions for a counsellor, butcan be extremely beneficial for clients due to accessibility of services,being in their own setting and therefore feeling more relaxed andable to talk

  • 3 Theory and skills
    • She (counsellor) said I had reached acceptance . . . then the TVbroke down. I miss Steve more and more as time goes on! Kirsten (2005)

      A brief social history: why is counsellingneeded for bereaved people?

      • Loss through death is an inevitable and intrinsic part of life; in past eraspeople died and were grieved for openly in their community. However,we now live in what could be described as a death denying society ,where death is invisible, often denied, and t

      The foundation of psychotherapy andthe beginnings of grief theories

      • The forefather of psychotherapy, Sigmund Freud, described howfollowing a significant loss feelings need to be expressed in Trauerbeit or grief work . He described how the emotional energy of the bereavedneeded to be withdrawn from the deceased so that the

      Early theories of attachment, loss,bereavement

      Attachment theory

      • John Bowlby closely studied our patterns of attachment; he suggestedthat attachment and love would inevitably result in a loss. He notedresponses to the loss of a parent; he found expressions of sadness, fearand anger. From this he outlined a paradigm of lo

        1. Secure attachments

        • Secure attachments are formed by children whose parents providedsecurity, sensitivity and were really there for their child(ren). Through thisrelationship base, separations are seen to be tolerated without anxiety;but this does not prevent strong reaction t

        2. Anxious/ambivalent relationships

        • Anxious/ambivalent relationships are formed by children with parentswho were overprotective, anxious and insensitive to their child s needto be independent. The child(ren) may grow up lacking in trust, selfconfidenceand tending to cling. Separation therefor

        3. Avoidant

        • Avoidant parents are those who could not express emotions, or closeness.Their children similarly are unable to tolerate closeness and relationshipdifficulties ensue. Feelings are often not expressed; therefore aftera loss, grief may be restrained. Providing

        4. Disorganised

        • Disorganised parents are unable to respond consistently to theirchild(ren) s needs. Children tend to grow up unhappy, with little trust,feeling helpless. Loss will increase feelings of despair and fear.

        It is important to understand a client s attachments, as this can providean insight into the possibilities of the individual s reaction when an importantother is lost. For example, a positive attachment pattern, whereprimary carers have been attentive and

        Conversely, insecure attachment or relationships, a lack of comfort orsupport can mean that feelings have been hidden, subsumed, not expressed;and this can be a factor leading to complications in grief, whena significant loss is encountered later in life (S

      Stage theory

      • Through the study of attachment and detachment Bowlby and Parkesdefined four stages in the grieving process (1970):

        1. Numbness, shock and denial a sense of unreality

        2. Yearning and protest sadness, crying, anxiety, lack of concentration,guilt, sense of the deceased s presence as a protestation against theirdeath

        3. Despair, disorganisation, hopelessness, lowness

        4. Re-organisation letting go of the person who has died

        These stages focus on the psychological processes; they do not allow foran exploration of cultural difference or sociological aspects; they emphasisethe resolution of grief as letting go .

      Task theory

      • In 1981, alongside the swiftly growing profession of psychotherapy andcounselling, Worden re-introduced Freud s concept of grief work ; hedescribed four tasks of mourning which were

        1. Accepting the reality of the loss

        2. Experiencing the pain of grief

        3. Adjusting to the environment without the deceased

        4. Letting go of the deceased, closure

      Critique of the earlier theories amove to new theories

      Dual process model

      • However, an underlying approach of grief work continued in sometheories. A significant paper by Stroebe and Schut (1999) outlined a dual process model . They suggested that although we do need togrieve and the psychological processing of grief is importan

      Meaning reconstruction

      • Neimeyer (2001) is developing theories around meaningful reconstructionas a central tenet of the process of grief; a social constructivist model.Any major loss upturns our assumptive world, on which our sense ofsecurity and expectation of the world is based

      Continuing bonds

      • In 1999 Klass et al. wrote about continuing bonds , which underlinedhow people continue relationships with the deceased through memories,dreams, sense of presence and photographs. In line with Walter (1996)he found that many people have a role in rememberi

      Complications in grief

      • It has been noted that people who are bereaved as the result ofunexpected causes, such as violent acts or at a young age, tend to beseen as having complicated grief (CG) (Prigerson et al. 1999; Horowitzet al. 1997); this was later renamed as prolonged gri

      Counselling theories in loss and bereavement

      • Alongside the theories about loss and bereavement, we need tounderstand the best framework in which to integrate them

        Knowledgeof family systems and dynamics is important when working withpeople facing bereavement through death; as the whole structure of afamily will change; however, lack of space prohibits exploration here

        Psychodynamic theory holds that people have a limit to their levels ofemotional, psychological energy that they can invest in relationships, andthat following a loss their energy has to be withdrawn to ensure that theycan redistribute it into new relationsh

        The echoes can be heard hereof needing to let go of the deceased in order to move forward withoutthem, and re-invest energy in new relationships. Haugh (2011) describesthe hold that this letting go hypothesis has in counselling practice, aswell as in

      Chapter Summary

      • In the past few decades of psychoanalytical thinking, we can seethat there has been a major shift in theory from the focus onpsychological, psychodynamic ways of seeing bereaved peopletowards person-centred, more holistic approaches

        More recent theory has a broader focus, integrating differingviewpoints, acknowledging the holistic nature of the experience ofgrief.

        This chapter provides just an outline of information to give anoverview of this shift. It is important to draw on other resources,the additional suggested reading, your own practice, and your ownexperience to help guide you to the best way of working. It is

  • 5 Strategies for management of anxieties
    • 4 Anxieties and management strategies
      • 1. The issues which raise anxiety levels
        • The breadth of the subject:
        • Relationship, relationship,relationship
        • Client s relationshipwith the deceased
        • Counsellor s relationshipwith their client
        • with their clientThe counsellor srelationship with self
        • Active listening: Lost for words
        • Language in all settings
        • Dealing with strong emotions,and different states ofbeing
        • Not knowing whento end, whengrief is resolved
      • 2. Supervision
        • Policing and checkingboundaries, ethics, policies andresponsibility

          Teaching: monitoringknowledge, understanding of theoryand how to be truly in contact with theclient by looking at different ways of working

          Creativity: the work itself, the content, theprocess for both client and counsellor

          Monitoring counsellor scompetence, reactions andcoping in working in lossand bereavement.

          Explains language processof counselling

      • 3. Training
        • The different types of loss,contexts and reactions
        • Historical and currenttheoretical approaches to loss
        • Reactions of bereaved people
        • Exploration of our own experiences andreactions
        • Defining endings
        • Finding the right words to say
        • Help you to look afteryourself
      • 4. Personal development / therapy
        • Picking up issues triggered/noted in supervision/training/client work

          Creating and maintaining self-supportsystems

          Developing coping mechanisms, stepping out of empathy and client sworld, identifying blocks

          Balancing life with work

          Understanding who we can workwith picking up the personalissues contained intransference, countertransference

      Issues and reactions in loss and bereavement

      • Training can alleviate many concerns by simply acknowledging thebreadth and scope of loss. A training program should include thefollowing:

        the different types of loss, contexts and reactions

        theoretical approaches to loss

        reactions of bereaved people

        clients who express suicidal thoughts

        finding the right way and words

        defining endings

        exploration of our own experiences and reactions

        looking after ourselves

      Theoretical approaches

      • understand the shattering and complicated effects and ramificationsof loss

        gain an understanding of how people make sense of their changedlives

        understand how bereaved clients maintain an ongoing relationshipwith the deceased which helps us not to become anxious if a clientsenses the presence of the deceased, talks about them in the presenttense, or talks of ongoing conversations with them

        understand the importance of relationship between client andcounsellor

        understand the need bereaved clients have that their counsellor willbe alongside them as they re-tell their story

      Questioning our values and beliefs about loss andbereavement

      • How long does grief last?
      • Children grieve
      • Children should go tofunerals
      • Death of a child is harderto bear than the death ofan adult
      • How a person dies has animpact on grief
      • Grief can lay unresolvedand can re-emerge yearslater
      • Children and adults arenaturally resilient to loss
      • Families pull together inthe face of loss
      • Loss through deathstrengthens an individual sfaith and belief

      Clients who express suicidal thoughts

      • Bereaved people are often very sad and seem very low. It is vital thatwe take note of any signs that they may be becoming suicidal, withoutbecoming too anxious or reactive. Phrases such as life is just not worthliving and I d really like to join him (the

        help the client to explore what they mean by those statements

        explore for any specific intention to take their own life

        consider the support the client has

        explore any previous history of self-harm or suicide attempts

        consider the client s use of medical support (i.e. GP)

        and (if you are not already aware) find out exactly what is making ithard for the client to carry on (don t assume the obvious

      Finding the right ways and words

      • not being able to respond
      • feeling speechless
      • worrying about finding the right words
      • being able to empathise with clients who are presenting difficultstories and strong emotions

      The process of counselling following a loss

      • Phase 1-Client Meets Counselor
        • CLIENT MEETS COUNSELLOR
        • START OF RELATIONSHIP
        • NEEDS EXPLANATION OF THE WORK
        • NEEDS EXPLANATION THAT THIS TIME WILL
        • NEEDS EXPLANATION THAT THIS TIME WILLMEAN OPENING UP ISSUES PAINFUL AT TIMES
        • LOOKING AT THEIR COPING STRATEGIES STILL WORKING?
        • LOOK AT DYNAMICS ACROSS THEIR SOCIETY FAMILY/FRIENDS/WORK ETC.
        • DEVELOPMENT OF TRUST IN RELATIONSHIP
        • MEMORIES COMMUNICATION/BOND
        • RATHER THAN DIRECTLY PHYSICAL
      • Phase 2-Exploring Issues
        • EXPLORING ISSUES FACTS/PICTURES
        • OPENING UP EVENTS/ISSUES
        • LOOKING AT WAYS OF COPING
        • LOOK AT RELATIONSHIPS FAMILY/FRIENDS
        • DEVELOP RELATIONSHIP WITH CLIENTTO MUTUAL TRUST/EMPATHY
        • LOOK AT VALUES AND BELIEFS/FAITH
        • NOTE POSSIBLE RIPPLE EFFECT OF LOSSES
        • NEEDS FIRM BASE, MAY FEEL DECONSTRUCTIVE AND DESTABILISING
        • NEED TO ENSURE CLIENT HAS SOME OTHER SUPPORT
      • Phase 3-Feel Vulnerable
        • CLIENT MAY FEEL VULNERABLE/SADDER
        • OVER TIME MAY FEEL INCREASING MISSING LONELY ISOLATED LACK OF PHYSICAL TOUCH/INTIMACY
      • Phase 4-Reconstruction Starts
        • RE-CONSTRUCTING STARTS
        • CHANGED IDENTITY/ROLE
        • RE-ESTABLISH RELATIONSHIPS
        • ESTABLISHING NEW COPINGMECHANISMS/STRATEGIES
        • CREATING NEW RELATIONSHIP
      • Phase 5-Coundelling Ends
        • COUNSELLING ENDS
        • CLIENT AT GOOD ENOUGH PLACE FOR ENDING
        • PROBABLY STILL IN PROCESS OF RE-LEARNING LIFE
        • LIVING WITH DECEASED THROUGHONGOING RELATIONSHIP WITH THEMALTHOUGH THEY ARE NOTPHYSICALLY PRESENT

      Defining endings

      • Grief is our response to the loss of someone or something to which we haveformed a connection or bond

        Loss of this bond can shatter life as it wasand we, as counsellors, are there to help the client put things back togetheragain; to find their new normal , whatever that looks like

        This new statewill be unique to each individual.

      Suggested techniquesIdentify your support network.

      • I need someone who will . . .
        • Listen wholeheartedly
        • Understand my world
        • Accept me as I am
        • Help me come to my own decisions
        • Be there for me whenever

      Balance in our lives

      • When working in thanatos (death and loss) it is important that we do notbecome subsumed in this area. We also need eros (love and life) to bepresent in our lives to create a healthy balance

      Wheel of balance

      • 1. family
      • 2. friends
      • 3. work
      • 4. intellectual
      • 5. spiritual
      • 6. emotional
      • 7. physical
      • 8. health
      • 9. time alone
      • 10. relaxation

      Wheels need to be round if they are to rollsmoothly. In the same way our lives need to bebalanced if they are to run smoothly;lack of balance can cause distress and/or stress.Take each section and join the lines where 10 is alot of time, 5 is enough time

      The Johari Window

      • 1. The OPEN area
        • is one which is known to the self, and is known byothers, the parts of yourself that you are happy with and openly share

          The aim when looking at the Johari Window is to increase the size ofthe open window minimising the others

      • 2. The HIDDEN area
        • is known to the self, but hidden from the sightof others. This may be through shame, due to childhood messageswhich are now out of date for you and unhelpful for growth

          Self-disclosure will open this area and will only occur in a safeenvironment/relationship.

      • 3. The UNKNOWN area
        • this may be about issues unknown to self,but are more likely to have been forgotten, repressed or denied.Discovering this can be frightening, but also can be exciting.

          Experiment, play, fantasy, myth, story-telling, drama and art canopen up this area; and need a very secure relationship base forexploration

      • 4. And, the BLIND area
        • unknown to self, out of personal awareness,but others can see them.

          Honest feedback within a safe and supportive relationship, orsometimes play and art therapy will open this area

      Chapter Summary

      • As counsellors we will experience challenges in our daily life; thisis not only normal, but also helpful as it both stimulates us in ourpractice and keeps us on our toes a bit of scary is good.

        While there are many levers which can help us to manage ouranxieties we will allay them, but we will not necessarily completelyobliterate them

        Managing our anxieties can be about managing expectations:through training we can learn what we may expect from clients, theirstories, experiences, behaviours, feelings

        We can also start to re-learn and re-think our own experiences andreactions, check that our earlier losses are not re-stimulated in a wayin which we are immobilised

        Through training and supervision we can hear that we don tnecessarily need the right words ; the right way is best for clients they want us to be with them and bear their pain and sorrow

        Through supervision we can explore ways of understanding ourfeelings of overwhelm; they may be our issue when we hear a client sstory, rather than the client s. We can also learn more about specificclients and their unique reactions and way of being.

        In this chapter I have outlined some thought-provoking exercises doremember that it is also good to discuss these with someone else

        Find your own networks local and national which can provide youwith information/support

        Finally, it can be really important to be aware of other factors thatmay help you. Having a good resource base of networks, informationprovision, literature and training can be vital; this text will providesome information, but it is good to expand this wit

  • 4 Identifying anxieties
    • No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear. C. S. Lewis
    • Facing the issues: loss andbereavement
      • Death and bereavement contain multi-layered experiences andresponses because it can shatter life as we know it; this makesbereavement a potentially challenging area to work in.
    • Possible experiences specific to loss through death
    • Different deaths, relationships and co-factors will have a varying impact,for example
    • 1. Way of death: it may be:
      • a. expected following a long-term illness (although death may neverbe truly expected )

        b. sudden, through short-term illness, murder, manslaughter, suicide(although it is important to note that all death can be sudden evenif at some level expected ).

    • 2. Timing of death/age of deceased
      • a in pregnancy: miscarriage, termination, stillbirth
      • b early in life: neonatal deaths, child deaths
      • c death of an adult child
      • d death in old age
    • 3. It may be a public or private death
      • a death can be public and sometimes high profile due to the type ofdeath (e.g. a gangland murder), or can occur in public, (e.g. roadtraffic accident), or the death can be made public because theperson who died was famous (e.g. Diana, Princess of Wales)

        b death can also be private: hidden in a home, a residential setting, ahospice, a hospital. Death may also be so private that the bereavedbecome disenfranchised, as others may be unaware of their grief

    • Other factors will affect the client s reaction such as
      • 1. Relationship with the deceased
        • a the person who died will have an impact in terms of theirrelationship to the bereaved person

          b the death may connect to the bereaved person s role (e.g. vicar swife/mum to deceased child) and therefore aspects of identity

      • 2. The age/stage/life experiences of the bereaved person:
        • a the bereaved person may react differently due to their age/stagein life, or losses which are earlier, concurrent, or future.
      • 3. Loss through death shatters many aspects of life
        • a role and identity (ties in with relationship)
        • b ability to work: finances can be disrupted
        • c the security of the home may become threatened
      • 4. Belief/value/cultures which are questioned and frequently changed
      • 5. Relationships
        • a the myth that families pull together is often shattered; friendsare often strangely absent (although those who were not soclose sometimes pull closer); communities are not always there toprovide support
          • b marital relationships become stressed
            • c physical relationships and sex can be affected.
    • The bereaved will express a range of feelings and reactions
    • identifyingand demystifying the ripple effect of loss:
      • 1. Emotional and behavioural responses
        • a there is a myriad of different responses, from expressing feelingsto ways of coping and behaviours.
      • 2. Physical somatised responses such as
        • a fear being present as butterflies in the stomach
        • b sense of loss as losing half of self
        • c presenting with symptoms similar to the illness of the deceased
        • d bodily reactions through repression of emotions, such as
          • stomach upsets
          • heart pains
          • headache
    • Isolation
      • Bereaved clients often experience a feeling of isolation

        They report feeling in a different world, a differentculture from others and these feelings can be exacerbated when relationshipswith friends and family come under stress or even breakdown

    • The way of death
      • The way a person dies impacts on our clients and, as a result, oncounsellors. The way of death can range from long-term illness to violentand sudden death and from public to private deaths

        Long term illness: cancer

        Sudden death

        Place of death: a public death

        Place of death: a private death

        Trauma

    • Active listening: lost for words
    • Not knowing what to say
      • Not knowing what to say, feeling stuck or helpless has been outlinedas an anxiety and a challenge when counselling bereaved people. Thisanxiety has been connected to a feeling of being overwhelmed whenthe full impacts of loss through death have been realise
    • Client looking for answers
      • This is a very common anxiety for counsellors when working in loss andbereavement, as clients are often looking for answers: for example, Whydid he/she die? Why me? Where are they now they re dead?

        Clients even ask, How can you help me? Have you ever had the sameexperience? I just want her back , resulting in a counsellor wondering What can I do? How can I help them, I can t bring back a dead person sowhat use can I be? Training and supervision can

    • Language of loss
      • Language is a powerful counselling tool, particularly when dealing withloss; let us take a look at the use of language in three different areas

        between professionals: terminology/jargon

        in society: which is often cliché or metaphor

        of clients.

    • use of clichés
      • In societyAnother noted anxiety is the potential to fall into the use of clichés or toreact to the use of clichés such as:

        1. On the death of a husband: from one friend to another, You ll getover it .

        2. On the loss of a child: from a doctor, You re lucky, you ve got anotherchild .

        3. On miscarriage: from a friend, It s nature s way of telling you thatthere was something wrong with the baby; it s probably for the best

    • Dealing with strong emotions, anddifferent states of being
      • The array of issues associated with loss may make us start to wonderhow indeed we can help; likewise, the range of responses can have thesame effect

        Bereaved people express feelings of chronic sorrow, anger,and fear.

        These are what we may expect to see, but they can still raiseanxieties for us; then there are issues such as clients who don t show theiremotions, and raise the question of can grief be said to be complicated?

        Sorrow

        • Chronic sorrow is often confused with depression ; the feelings andstates of being on bereavement are very similar to the DSM IV categoriesfor depression. However, most bereaved people feel sad but are notdepressed.

          Clients who express chronic sorrow and strong emotions can create anxietiesfor counsellors. We may question whether our client s grief has becomecomplicated, which begs the question, when is grief complicated ?While it is important to note that grief is a

          Clients who express suicidal thoughts

          Listen for expressions such as life is just not worth living , and why am Igoing on? They are very commonly heard from bereaved clients whoselives have been turned upside down after a significant person has died.It is vital in this situation to stay suff

          During counselling it is important for clients who have experienced a lossto tell their story, to make links in losses and, through this they will alsoinevitably express their feelings about these life events

        Fear

        • Counsellors have reported concerns about their clients levels ofanxiety and how it expresses itself. One counsellor noted, Is a flutteringheartbeat an illness or a bodily felt reaction to the loss/fear? Bereavedclients also talk about having a broken he

          In these instances it is importantto help clients to differentiate between illness and somatised effects ofloss (which are common). In parallel with any counselling we provide, itis important to ensure that clients have any physical symptoms medicallychecke

        Anger

        • Anger and death are inextricably linked; this may be a very strongstatement, but pause and reflect. If you were bereaved you may be angry:

          that someone you love has died

          at the cause of death: it may be a murder, a road traffic accident, or anillness that could have been prevented

          with your family, following the death (issues around the reading of awill, for example)

          that your belief has not held .

        Relief

        • A less reported fact is that people who are facing loss sometimes feelrelieved; for example, someone dies after a long illness, a separation aftera traumatic relationship, or finally a diagnosis after a long period of illnesswithout explanation

        Guilt

        • “Guilt has often been described as anger turned inwards. It is an emotionthat has also been described in Elizabeth Kübler-Ross s work on stages(1971) as self-questioning as well as bargaining if only I had/had notIdentifying anxieties 53. . . . While”

        Happiness and laughter

        • Not all client sessions are full of tears; there is often laughter too, whichcan be very therapeutic. Memories can be both sad and happy; if you thinkabout a funeral, for example, there is often a range of stories, with varyingemotions alongside

        Non-expression of feelings

        • Anxiety has been conveyed to me by counsellors when their clientdoes not seem to be expressing their grief . It is important to notethat in different cultures, expression of grief will differ; understandingfrom the client s perspective is essential, and n

        States of being

        • Death and bereavement also affect people s being, which in turn affectshow they feel. For example, in the early days following a loss (howeverlong this may be) people are in shock. This is an impact whether thedeath is expected or unexpected; sleep patterns

        When is grief resolved?

        • When working with loss, how do we know when grief is at an end? It is aquestion I am frequently asked. So can we know when grief is resolved ?The simple answer to this can be found in the more recent theories andis that grief does not end. An over-used cli

          As counsellors we need to stay alert to indicators from our clientsthat demonstrate they may be making some adjustments to their newchanged life, such as how they are making (sometimes nearly imperceptible)moves forward

        Chapter Summary

        • Loss through death is a multilayered/multifaceted experience, whichis uniquely different and will be faced by everyone. A very brief glancehas been presented into a wide range of issues of loss, and a similarlybrief glance at the challenges and anxieties th

          Bereaved people may feel confused, helpless, out of control,overwhelmed and in counselling we may feel this as a parallelprocess.

          As counsellors we wonder where to start, what to say, how to say it,but the most important aspect is to learn how to meet and be withour clients in their grief, in their story

          The powerful way in which emotions will be displayed and the stateof being of the client can also impact on us and leave us anxious andunsure how to move forward.

          The lack of clearly defined resolution or closure to loss can make usanxious

          Loss is an ongoing experience and state of being

          Building a relationship can also be affected. If we are feeling anxiousthen we need to steady and ground ourselves in order to createand maintain relationships

          There is a fear that our own personal losses may re-emerge insessions

          In parallel with these concerns, counsellors must also personally readythemselves to experience explicit details of a topic that is generallyhidden from public view

          It is also important to highlight the strengths of anxieties as everytime I meet a new client, even after years of practice, I still feel slightlyanxious; what will they be like, how will they react, and what is theirstory? If I ever lose that scary feeli

          Now we have named our anxieties we need to find, as Selye (1976)notes, ways to actively cope with challenge and stress

  • 6 The voices of clients
    • daughter s death brought with it strong reactions, emotions, andquestions which they needed to express in counselling. They needed totalk about
      • her last illness
      • her death itself
      • how she looked
      • how they panicked
      • how they wanted her to be at home and how this was an impossibilityin the event
      • the impact on their surviving child
      • their fears and concerns
      • that she was now an only child not the youngest any more, nosibling with disabilities
      • the change in their roles we have got to start anew
      • no more caring
      • no more forms to fill out
      • no more medical teams to meet
      • no more appointments
      • what does this mean to them?
      • what would their world look like now?
      • the initial possibility of relief does this last, will it change?

      Chapter Summary

      • Clients whole lives are turned upside down by loss. Often theseanxieties are feelings of immobilisation shock and trauma like arabbit in the headlights, as is often reported in the early days of grief.Clients need proactive guidance to access counselli

        Clients also need

        • Services to be sensitive to, and flexible about, the setting of theircounselling (without presumption of what is right).

          To talk about everything after the initial splash of that rock in thepool, the ripple effect of loss affects all aspects of life.

          Services which will go the distance and stay alongside bereavedpeople for as long as it takes, as grief is not resolved, and has noending.

          Counsellors to understand that they do not fit grief into patterns ortheories grief is about all of life; there are no stages or tasks.

        These client s stories also ask counsellors to:

        • Let me be with my relationship with the deceased don t make mefeel mad because I feel her inside me, hear her voice

          Don t go ahead of me and show me what is there

          Don t go behind me or take me to the past until I am ready, if Iam ready to go there

          Just be alongside me I need to talk about everything I need myown timescale.

          Accept me; help me to accept myself and to explore how I amcoping.

          Be honest with me

        It is about being not doing

        I use the quote at the start of this chapter to remind myself constantlyof the privileged place I am in when clients talk about their whole livesto me, and to respect what they need to talk about, and how scary itcan be to talk about all aspects of life.

  • 7 Professional challenges
  • 8 Ethical challenges
    • What are ethics as applied tocounselling?

      Being trustworthy: honouring the trust placed in us

      • mission statement: outlining the service s values and aims, its referralcriteria
      • who the service is supporting, when, where, the parameters of theservice
      • length of service: brief intervention, long term
      • the way of working: cognitive behavioural therapy, person centred

      Autonomy: respect for the client s right tobe self-governing

      Beneficence: a commitment to promoting theclient s well being

      Non-maleficence: a commitment to avoidingharm to the client

      Justice: the fair and impartial treatment of allclients and the provision of adequate services

      Self-respect

      Chapter Summary

      The challenges and diversities in counselling mean that practitionerswill inevitably encounter situations in which there are competingobligations

      Our first duty to clients is premum non nocere , first do no harm.Bereaved people have already faced the most devastating of life sexperiences, and it is essential that the counselling we providealleviates rather than exacerbates the issues they face.

      Counselling people facing loss and bereavement raises someadditional ethical issues, both of the framework in which we providecounselling and of the content of counselling itself

      While a statement of ethics cannot take away difficulties in makingprofessional judgements, such information can be of great assistanceby providing guidelines that may need to be taken into consideration

      focus on what clients needed and wanted from counselling

      • stay with their story; be with them; step into their world andunderstand

        listen to whatever they described without deflection withoutoverlaying theories on them; with an open heart

        accept them however they are, whatever views/emotions they want toexpress

        and yet at times demonstrate an initial understanding by introducingsome common feelings when people face loss; normalising yet notprescribing their experiences and helping them in making some senseof a nonsensical world

  • Glossary
    • Anticipatory grief
      • refers to a grieving that can sometimes occur before a loss, which maybe anticipated. This impending loss can be the death of someone due toillness. It is also said to be experienced by dying individuals themselves
    • Autonomy
      • is the capacity of an individual who is deemed to be able and rationalto make an informed, unforced decision. Autonomy is often used as thebasis for determining the moral responsibility for one s actions in moraland political philosophy. It is used here to
    • Beneficence
      • refers to actions that will do, or produce, good including the promotionof the well being of others. In a medical context, this means takingactions that serve the best interests of patients
    • Bereavement
      • the state of being we are in when we are deprived or something orsomeone, i.e. following a significant loss (in contemporary society). Theforerunner of our modern word bereavement was the old English wordbereafian, which included the definitions to be ro
    • Bereavement counselling
      • in general terms, used to describe a form of counselling that focuses onhelping people to cope with grief and mourning following a significantloss, including the death of loved ones, or with major life changesthat trigger feelings of grief (e.g., divorce).

        However, the definition and job description for someone carrying out bereavement counselling are varied. See also Counselling bereavedpeople below

    • Bereavement process
      • the process we go through when we grieve following a loss is a personaland individual experience; no two people s pathways through grief willbe the same. The process has been described in different ways throughtheories which can be noted in Chapter 3. Howev
    • Cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT)
      • is based on the belief that behaviour is learnt in response to pastexperience. As such, we can recondition ourselves or unlearn thebehaviours without the need to analyse past experiences, to find thereasons or triggers for such behaviours. It is noted to wo
    • Complex medical needs
      • an illness or disability: where the diagnosis may mean that life isthreatened, but the illness may be curable; where the diagnosis meansthat life will be shortened; where an illness or disability means constantGlossary 131ongoing treatments; may be acquired
    • Complicated grief
      • now referred to as prolonged grief disorder (PGD) is a pathologicalreaction to loss (formerly known as complicated grief). An attempt isbeing made to create a diagnosis category for complicated grief in theDiagnostic Statistical Manual V (DSM-V); critics of
    • Confidentiality
      • requires providers of bereavement support to respect the privacy of eachbereaved person and information shared by them. It is essential that therelationship between each bereaved person (the bereaved client) and theindividual or agency which offers them sup

        The duty to maintain confidentiality extends to all those involved inoffering support, including management committees, and continuesafter that support has stopped and beyond the death of a bereavedclient. Confidentiality is not absolute. In exceptional cir

        Bereaved clients need to be made aware of the limits to confidentialityas soon as possible, preferably before support begins. If informationis to be disclosed to a third party, bereaved clients should, whereverpossible, give informed and meaningful consent.

    • Counselling bereaved people
      • help a bereaved person to work through grief in their own way, at theirown pace and in their own time; without a specific way to experiencebereavement. This book encourages the integration of a whole of life orholistic approach to counselling people on be
    • Disenfranchise
      • to deprive of a franchise, of a legal right, or of some privilege or of afranchise in the context of grief (see below).
    • Disenfranchised grief
      • a term describing grief that is not acknowledged by society. Examplesof grief becoming disenfranchised are: the loss of a pet; a trauma in thefamily in an earlier generation; the loss of a home or place of residence;an aborted/miscarried pregnancy; a mother
    • Disenfranchisement
      • can also occur when a loss is associated with what is seen as a positivelife event: the areas are huge; for example, a marriage when the newlyweds may also be leaving home; a graduation, when the graduate isleaving the safety of the university/college and h
    • Ethics
      • a set of principles of right and appropriate conduct and/or a systemof moral values. Ethics also includes the study of the general nature ofmorals and the specific moral choices to be made by a person: moralphilosophy. Most importantly, ethics refer to the
    • Grief
      • primarily an emotional reaction to a significant loss; this may be causedby the death of someone close. It will be expressed in many ways:emotionally, behaviourally and physically
    • Grief work
      • the work we do when we grieve can be described as the cognitiveprocess of confronting the loss, of going over the events before andat the time of death, of focusing on memories and working towarddetachment from the deceased. It is often associated with th
    • Holistic
      • the root of the word holism is o´´»o (holos) a Greek word meaningall, whole, entire, total; the idea that all aspects of a g
    • Informed consent
      • usually refers to the idea that a person must be fully informed about andunderstand the potential benefits and risks of their choice of treatment.An uninformed person is at risk of mistakenly making a choice that doesnot reflect his or her values or wishes.
    • Moral
      • the lesson or principle contained in, or taught by, a fable, a story, oran event; a concisely expressed precept or general truth; a maxim.Morals are rules or habits of conduct, especially of sexual conduct, withreference to standards of right and wrong: for
    • Mourning
      • as contrasting with grief, is the social expression or acts expressive ofgrief that are shaped by the practices of a given society or cultural group.
    • Mutual help group self-help group
      • a group of people who provide mutual support for each other.The members will share a common issue or problem; for example,bereavement, or a specific bereavement such as death of a child. TheCompassionate Friends provides support based on self-help groups.Th
    • Non-maleficence
      • the first concept is primum non nocere (Latin) first, do no harm , referringto the first line of importance not to do harm to your client.
    • Parallel process
      • the idea encapsulated through the way in which elements of thecounselling relationship can be paralleled to other aspects of life. Forexample, a client/counsellor relationship may parallel a relationship theclient has with other people in his or her life,
    • Pathological grief
      • Margaret Stroebe (2000) acknowledges that grief can becomecomplicated and, therefore in her view, pathological . However, shesuggests that there are no clear guidelines available to establish at whatintensity, and/or duration, and/or type of symptomatology
    • Person centred therapy or counselling
      • can also be named client-centred or Rogerian counselling. It is basedon the view that people will, given the right environment, find theirown way forward. Through counselling, the right environment will bethat of an accepting, genuine, understanding r
    • Somatise
      • to express psychological issues or conflicts through somatic symptoms;people who are bereaved, who feel unable to fully express their feelings,often have chest pains and suffer from a broken heart . This should bemedically checked, but when unexplainable b
    • Specialist
      • in this text is as person who devotes himself or herself to one subject, orto one particular branch of a subject or pursuit.
    • Specialist organisation
      • can be defined because it has a client group that need special training tounderstand their needs; in the context of this book, this will be bereavedpeople. And their client group will require professional qualifications/specific experience of the staff spec
    • Statutory services
      • are services required to exist by law, e.g. social services and the NationalHealth Service. All local authorities are obliged to provide statutoryservices, which tend to be those considered as so essential to modernlife that for moral reasons their universa
    • Trauma
      • a serious injury or shock to the body, as from violence or an accident; anemotional wound or shock that creates substantial, lasting damage to thepsychological development of a person, often leading to neurosis; or anevent or situation that causes great dis
    • Unresolved grief (or delayed grief)
      • any aspect of grieving that has yet to be resolved. In cases of unresolvedor delayed grief, the reaction to the loss is postponed until a later time,even years later, and might be triggered by a seemingly unrelated event,such as a recent divorce or even the
    • Vicarious traumatisation
      • a term coined with specific reference to counselling and therapists whowork with clients who survive trauma. Resulting from being empathic withtraumatised clients, therapists will be changed in their sense of meaningof the world and life experiences
    • Voluntary service
      • an organisation that undertakes voluntary activities, i.e. those whichdo not have to be provided by law (statutory services). They have thefollowing additional characteristics: clear objectives, contents and tasks,structure and framework, appropriate suppor
    • Volunteers/voluntary activities
      • have the following characteristics: open to all, unpaid, undertaken of ownfree will, educational (non-formal learning aspect), adding social value
  • Compiled By:
    • blindcaveman.wordpress.com
    • Rigel Arcayan

BookSummary: 25 Habits of Highly Successful Investors

BookSummary: 25 Habits of Highly Successful Investors

  • Book Information
  • Part I: Style for Success: Crafting Your Individual Investing Style
    • Habit 1:Know Yourself—and Know What to Expect: Know what’s reasonable to expect over the long term, being realistic, patient, and prudent within your level of risk tolerance

      Habit 2:Know and Use Basic Investing Math: Like it or not, a few basic math principles, like compounding, can be really handy.

      Habit 3: Get the Right—and Right Amount of—Information: Too much information can be as bad as not enough; how to get the right amount of the right stuff (and some suggestions)

      Habit 4:Find Your Diversification Sweet Spot: Diversify to reduce risk without over diversifying, which will compromise returns.

      Habit 5:Segment, or “Tier,” Your Portfolio: Think of your portfolio not as a single entity but as a tiered pyramid of investments with each tier receiving different amounts of attention and designed to achieve different objectives.

      Habit 6: Work Hard and Work Smart: Contrary to what many think, investing is hard work; how to pull it off when it isn’t your full-time occupation.

  • Part II: Appraise for Success:Finding Your Very Best Investments
    • Habit 7: Buy Like You’re Buying a Business: Even if you can only afford a few shares, pretend you’re buying the whole thing. Learn to buy good BUSINESSES, not just good ideas.

      Habit 8: Buy What You Understand, Understand What You Buy: Use a combination of life experience, skills, learning, and just plain looking around to really grasp a business and understand its underlying fundamentals and what makes it tick. If you don’t understand it, don’t buy it.

      Habit 9: Appraise Funds Realistically: Know the costs and benefits of funds and their role in your portfolio, evaluate them objectively; don’t assume that just because it’s a fund it’s a good investment

      Habit 10: Value Thy Fundamentals: Understand the financials and what drives the company’s success, and whether they’re improving or not.

      Habit 11: Look for Cash in All the Right Places: Cash is king; learn how to evaluate cash inflows and outflows.

      Habit 12: Don’t Forget the Intangibles: Financials are results; they are lagging indicators. Make sure you read the LEADING indicators—brand, channel strength, customer loyalty, management strength, and others.

      Habit 13: Put on Your Marketing Hat: Pretend you’re the CMO for the business. How is your company doing in the marketplace? Is it gaining share or losing it? Are you competing on price alone or on some other value add? Is the company positioned for success?

      Habit 14: Put on Your Street Shoes: As you think like a marketer, also think like a marketee—a customer. How is the company perceived by the customer? Look around at its facilities, online presence, etc. Does the experience “click”? Could it be improved?

      Habit 15: Sense the Management Style: Are managers achievement oriented and all-in for the shareholders, or are they power oriented and all-in for themselves?

      Habit 16: Look for Signs of Value, Signs of Unvalue: Assess each company for its ten signs of value and unvalue as per the list.

      Habit 17: Do Your Threes—Three Pros, Three Cons: When you have your facts and impressions together, list the three strongest reasons to buy the investment and the three strongest to avoid it.

      Habit 18: Buy with a Margin of Safety: Once you’ve decided that a company is good to own, now (and only now) decide if the price is right. Give yourself a margin of safety in case you’re wrong.

  • Part III: Own for Success:Getting the Most Out of Your Portfolio
    • Habit 19:Buy Smart—When You Decide to Buy: Watch price behavior before you buy to try to find a good entry point, but don’t shirk a good entry point just to save a few cents.

      Habit 20: Keep Your Finger on the Pulse: Watch your company as any absentee business owner might; check quotes and news stories at least once a week, read up on not just the company, but the industry. Read earnings announcements; attend investor conference calls, etc.

      Habit 21: React, But Don’t Overreact, to News: Be concerned if bad news surfaces (or if the markets sour), but avoid selling the day of the news; let things settle out. Learn to distinguish between a short-term bad news blip and fundamental changes in the business.

      Habit 22: Pay Yourself: Get some current cash out of your investments, through dividends, short-term rotational plays, or covered call options.

      Habit 23: Don’t Marry Your Investments: Always buy, hold, and sell rationally, not emotionally. It’s a business, not a personal relationship. Don’t get angry, don’t get too attached, and don’t get infatuated in the first place.

      Habit 24: Sell When There’s Something Better to Buy: Even cash can be something better to buy.

      Habit 25: Measure Your Results: Don’t hide your head in the sand—check how you’re performing at least once a year; once a quarter or once a month is better.

  • 25 Habits-Shortlist
    • Habit 1:Know Yourself—and Know What to Expect
    • Habit 2:Know and Use Basic Investing Math
    • Habit 3: Get the Right—and Right Amount of—Information
    • Habit 4:Find Your Diversification Sweet Spot
    • Habit 5:Segment, or “Tier,” Your Portfolio
    • Habit 6: Work Hard and Work Smart
    • Habit 7: Buy Like You’re Buying a Business
    • Habit 8: Buy What You Understand, Understand What You Buy
    • Habit 9: Appraise Funds Realistically
    • Habit 10: Value Thy Fundamentals
    • Habit 11: Look for Cash in All the Right Places
    • Habit 12: Don’t Forget the Intangibles
    • Habit 13: Put on Your Marketing Hat
    • Habit 14: Put on Your Street Shoes
    • Habit 15: Sense the Management Style
    • Habit 16: Look for Signs of Value, Signs of Unvalue
    • Habit 17: Do Your Threes—Three Pros, Three Cons
    • Habit 18: Buy with a Margin of Safety
    • Habit 19:Buy Smart—When You Decide to Buy
    • Habit 20: Keep Your Finger on the Pulse:
    • Habit 21: React, But Don’t Overreact, to News
    • Habit 22: Pay Yourself
    • Habit 23: Don’t Marry Your Investments
    • Habit 24: Sell When There’s Something Better to Buy
    • Habit 25: Measure Your Results
  • 25 Habits Drilldown
    • Habit 1: Know Yourself—and Know What to Expect
      • Know what’s reasonable to expect over the long term, being realistic, patient, and prudent within your level of risk tolerance

        A. Know what you’re trying to accomplish. Say it out loud, discuss it with your family, and write it down.

        B. Know what’s realistic to expect.

        C. Decide if you are happy meeting, exceeding, or staying slightly under market returns, given the risk and energy involved.

        D. Invest what you can afford to lose.

        E. Make sure everyone in your family is on board.

    • Habit 2: Know and Use Basic Investing Math
      • Like it or not, a few basic math principles, like compounding, can be really handy.
      • A. Always remember the power of compounding.
      • B. Strive to make “just a few dollars more.”
      • C. Know the true cost of professional management and fund fees.
      • D. Practice your “Rule of 72” shorthand. It comes in handy, and you can impress your friends too!
      • E. Think in terms of compounded rates of return—it’s more conservative and more realistic.
    • Habit 3: Get the Right—and Right Amount of—Information
      • Too much information can be as bad as not enough; how to get the right amount of the right stuff (and some suggestions)

        A. Decide how much time you have, and want to spend, staying informed.

        B. Think about what you need or want among the five categories: Economic Trends, Industry Trends, Financial Stuff, Soft Stuff, and Analysis.

        C. Review sources in each category and select based on their value.

        D. Review your choices occasionally; drop the ones that aren’t adding much; try others on for size.

        E. Tap into informal networks—friends, family, and industry insiders.

        F. Share information sources with other investors or friends, to cut cost or leverage each other’s time.

    • Habit 4: Find Your Diversification Sweet Spot
      • Diversify to reduce risk without over diversifying, which will compromise returns.

        A. Realize the myths and costs of diversification.

        B. Avoid overlapping funds and other forms of overdiversification.

        C. Diversify “deeper” than simple asset allocation. Realize that the mix of stocks versus bonds versus cash versus other doesn’t go far enough without knowing what’s beneath the surface.

        D. Diversify across multiple “smart” dimensions—industry, risk profile, time horizon and funds vs. individual company stocks.

        E. Set yourself up to choose and manage between five and ten companies as your primary “focus” investments.

    • Habit 5: Segment, or “Tier,” Your Portfolio
      • Think of your portfolio not as a single entity but as a tiered pyramid of investments with each tier receiving different amounts of attention and designed to achieve different objectives.

        A. Divide your investments into tiers—either by specifically segmenting accounts or dividing simply in your mind (a written list will help you keep track).

        B. Decide how much of your portfolio should be in each tier, and set expectations for each tier.

        C. Spend more time managing the more active tiers—the most time devoted to the Opportunistic portfolio, the less to the Rotational, then the least to the Foundation portfolio.

        D. When considering a new investment, think about what tier it should reside in.

        E. Shop for the best investments for each tier.

    • Habit 6: Work Hard and Work Smart
      • Contrary to what many think, investing is hard work; how to pull it off when it isn’t your full-time occupation.

        A. Do the homework, just as if you’re buying and owning the whole business.

        B. Set aside the time to do it right, both initially and ongoing.

        C. Get help where you need it—in the form of professional advisers and in the form of fund investments.

        E. Turn it into a routine

    • Habit 7: Buy Like You’re Buying a Business
      • Even if you can only afford a few shares, pretend you’re buying the whole thing. Learn to buy good BUSINESSES, not just good ideas.

        A. Think of buying a stock like you’re buying 100 percent of the business.

        B. Always think about the business, and then look at the price.

        C. Don’t fall for something just because it sounds like a good idea.

    • Habit 8: Buy What You Understand, Understand What You Buy
      • Use a combination of life experience, skills, learning, and just plain looking around to really grasp a business and understand its underlying fundamentals and what makes it tick. If you don’t understand it, don’t buy it.

        A. Make sure you understand a company you’re thinking about owning.

        B. Be able to state the company’s business in a few simple statements to—say—a family member.

        C. Make sure you have the background and the connections to find out what you need to know about a company.

        D. If you don’t understand it, don’t buy it. Move on. There are plenty of companies out there.

    • Habit 9: Appraise Funds Realistically
      • Know the costs and benefits of funds and their role in your portfolio, evaluate them objectively; don’t assume that just because it’s a fund it’s a good investment

        A. Understand the advantages of funds vs. individual stocks, know where funds may better meet your needs, and act accordingly. Map out a strategy for using funds in your portfolio—e.g., to achieve international diversification, exposure to commodities, exposure to small-cap stocks, etc.

        B. Know how traditional mutual funds and ETFs compare; be prepared to shop the assortment of mutual funds and ETFs to fill the gaps in your portfolio.

        C. Evaluate funds by objective congruence, holdings, performance, and cost. Test the fund to see if it really does what it says it does, and what you want it to do.

        D. Avoid buying overlapping funds—too much diversification.

        E. Don’t assume that just because the fund comes from a famous Wall Street firm and is wrapped up in a nice package, that it is right for you. It is like any other product and should be evaluated accordingly.

    • Habit 10: Value Thy Fundamentals
      • Understand the financials and what drives the company’s success, and whether they’re improving or not.

        A. Remember that fundamentals are the scorecard of the past, while intangibles such as brand and marketplace, and management excellence foretell the scorecard of the future.

        B. Keep in mind that fundamentals measure absolute business performance, relative performance over time (trends), and efficiency.

        C. Use fundamentals as a measure of (1) how strong a company is in the marketplace and (2) how effectively management converts that strength into profits.

        D. Develop your own list of “strategic fundamentals” (starting with the one provided, if you want). Use that list as an “acid test” for companies you own or evaluate to buy.

    • Habit 11: Look for Cash in All the Right Places
      • Cash is king; learn how to evaluate cash inflows and outflows.
      • A. Make the Statement of Cash Flows part of your normal review process.
      • B. Determine whether the company is producing or consuming cash (capital).
      • C. Determine if cash flows are well managed and in control.
      • D. Check to see that the company is returning cash to investors on a regular basis.
    • Habit 12: Don’t Forget the Intangibles
      • Financials are results; they are lagging indicators. Make sure you read the LEADING indicators—brand, channel strength, customer loyalty, management strength, and others.

        A. Recognize and realize that intangibles are about the future, while financials are about the past.

        B. Look for “moats”—sustainable competitive advantages.

        C. Examine, one by one, the following (some may be more elusive than others):

        • 1. Brand
        • 2. Market leadership and position
        • 3. Customer loyalty
        • 4. Innovation excellence
        • 5. Channel excellence
        • 6. Supply chain excellence
        • 7. Management excellence

        D.Absorb intangible information by regularly reading about the company in the news, visits to the company and/or its websites, and listening to what others—personal or professional—have to say about the company.

    • Habit 13: Put on Your Marketing Hat
      • Pretend you’re the CMO for the business. How is your company doing in the marketplace? Is it gaining share or losing it? Are you competing on price alone or on some other value add? Is the company positioned for success?

        A. Think about companies you own—or want to buy—as a marketer would.

        B. Decide where the company positions itself (Walmart–Target–Nordstrom as an example), and decide whether the company is succeeding with this positioning.

        C. Look for solid niche players and signs of niche leadership.

        D. Look at a company’s product portfolio—and the company itself—to seek out Stars and Cash Cows.

        E. Determine if the company is gaining share—and share (mindshare) of customer.

        F. Decide whether the company presents itself clearly and effectively in the marketplace. Does it convey value to its customers?

        G. Identify three strengths, weaknesses, opportunities, and threats for each company. Decide if any of the weaknesses or threats are showstoppers.

    • Habit 14: Put on Your Street Shoes
      • As you think like a marketer, also think like a marketee—a customer. How is the company perceived by the customer? Look around at its facilities, online presence, etc. Does the experience “click”? Could it be improved?

        A. Spend at least a little time, preferably each week, checking out businesses you own or might want to invest in. Do it locally, when you travel, and through friends, family, and acquaintances.

        B. Pay attention to your own interactions, purchases, and experiences with a company. Could it have been better? Does someone else do it better?

        C. Look at the level of customer activity, appearance of facilities, and the attitude and helpfulness of employees.

        D. Check out websites. Give a “plus” to companies with clear, accessible, helpful messages about their products and how they benefit you.

        E. Watch the ads. Are they effective? What are they really telling you?

        F. Get into the “buzz” network through friends, employers, employees of other companies, and through financial, industry, and trade media.

    • Habit 15: Sense the Management Style
      • Are managers achievement oriented and all-in for the shareholders, or are they power oriented and all-in for themselves?

        A. Realize from the beginning that understanding management and leadership effectiveness is a “read between the lines” exercise.

        B. Look for signs of achievement, not signs of power. As Bill Clinton once said, “power by example, not examples of power.”

        C. Look for signs of customer focus, solid and rational vision, winning culture, winning products, clear, crisp, useful messages, and a solid reputation and management “brand.”

        D. Again remember—you’re acquiring a sense. If you think you’d like to work for the company, you’re on the right track.

    • Habit 16: Look for Signs of Value, Signs of Unvalue
      • Assess each company for its ten signs of value and unvalue as per the list.
      • A. Create a checklist (or use the one described in Habit 16).
      • B. Check it twice.
      • C. Find out who is naughty or nice.
      • D. If Santa never comes, consider adjusting the checklist.
    • Habit 17: Do Your Threes—Three Pros, Three Cons
      • When you have your facts and impressions together, list the three strongest reasons to buy the investment and the three strongest to avoid it.

        A. Think in terms of threes—three strengths, three weaknesses, or three pros and three cons.

        B. Write them down, especially for the “final analysis” of a company.

        C. Amend and adjust as necessary.

        D. Try it. You’ll like it. It works.

    • Habit 18: Buy with a Margin of Safety
      • Once you’ve decided that a company is good to own, now (and only now) decide if the price is right. Give yourself a margin of safety in case you’re wrong.

        A. Look at a business value as the sum of all future cash flows.

        B. Look at the ratios. Use them as a guide to future returns and to compare alternatives.

        C. Pretend you’re buying the whole business—still want to buy it?

        D. Give yourself an extra margin of safety, by buying at a price dip, just in case.

    • Habit 19: Buy Smart—When You Decide to Buy
      • Watch price behavior before you buy to try to find a good entry point, but don’t shirk a good entry point just to save a few cents.

        A. Be patient. Watch the stock for a few days at least before jumping in.

        B. Buy when you decide to buy; use market orders; don’t play games to try to save a few cents.

        C. Add to your investments regularly; take advantage of dollar cost averaging.

        D. If so inclined, sell >put options to earn a little more from your buying decisions.

    • Habit 20: Keep Your Finger on the Pulse
      • Watch your company as any absentee business owner might; check quotes and news stories at least once a week, read up on not just the company, but the industry. Read earnings announcements; attend investor conference calls, etc.

        A. Make regular time to scan the news, get quotes, and check the progress of companies you own.

        B. Observe quarterly financial reports carefully and listen to the conference calls.

        C. Put your street shoes on. Wander around, sense the business, sense the customers, and make sure the business is still on track.

        D. Keep tabs on the competition.

        E. Keep in touch with industry experts.

    • Habit 21: React, But Don’t Overreact, to News
      • Be concerned if bad news surfaces (or if the markets sour), but avoid selling the day of the news; let things settle out. Learn to distinguish between a short-term bad news blip and fundamental changes in the business.

        A. Stop, look, and listen to new news announcements. Don’t ignore them.

        B. React by digging further.

        C Think of yourself as the owner.

        D. Don’t overreact with an ill-considered sell (or buy) reflex.

    • Habit 22: Pay Yourself
      • Get some current cash out of your investments, through dividends, short-term rotational plays, or covered call options.

        A. Look for solid dividend paying stocks to build a current cash return.

        B. Look for companies with a steady track record of dividend increases.

        C. If you’re a more active investor, capitalize on swing trading opportunities when they present themselves.

        D. Learn how to sell covered calls to produce or enhance current income.

    • Habit 23: Don’t Marry Your Investments
      • Always buy, hold, and sell rationally, not emotionally. It’s a business, not a personal relationship. Don’t get angry, don’t get too attached, and don’t get infatuated in the first place.

        A. Do not become emotionally attached to your investments.

        B Do not become emotionally attached to your investments.

        C. Do not become emotionally attached to your investments

    • Habit 24: Sell When There’s Something Better to Buy
      • Even cash can be something better to buy.

        A. Only sell if there’s something better to buy.

        B. Remember—cash can be “something better to buy.”

        C. Use limits only within the sell-when-there’s-something-better-to-buy principle, not for their own sake or for a stab-in-the-dark price level.

        D. If you aren’t sure, try selling half.

    • Habit 25: Measure Your Results
      • Don’t hide your head in the sand—check how you’re performing at least once a year; once a quarter or once a month is better.

        A. Keep a diary of your successes and failures.

        B. Learn from your mistakes.

        C. Now go make a million bucks.

  • Compiled By: blindcaveman, 20140920

MindMap-8thHabit

MindMap-8thHabit

  • About The Book
    • Title: The 8th Habit
    • Author: Stephen R. Covey
    • ISBN: 978-0-684-84665-1
    • Chapters: 15
    • Pages:328
  • Introduction:
    • The book 8th Habit is about personal leadership. The main theme is finding your voice and inspiring others to find theirs. When personal leadership is fully developed and grounded within, it can be used as a springboard to influence others [another dimension of effectiveness]. The 8th Habit is -“Finding your voice and inspire others to find theirs”. The book itself is not just about the 8th Habit, the title is misleading because once you finish reading the book, you end up with a “million things” to absorb/learn, practice, study and implement.

      The book is divided into 15 Chapters. The book includes a DVD with 16 videos to be viewed almost at the end of every chapter. The videos are good “eye openers” and speak a lot of meaning. At the end of every chapter beginning in Chapter 4, there is a Question and Answer portion, these are off topic questions [sometimes] but has a lot of wisdom and good answers.

  • Chapters:
    • Chapter 1-The Pain
    • Chapter 2-The Problem
    • Chapter 3-The Solution
    • Chapter 4-Discover Your Voice
    • Chapter 5-Express Your Voice
    • Chapter 6-Inspiring Others to Find Their Voice-The Leadership Challenge
    • Chapter 7-The Voice of Influence
    • Chapter 8-The Voice of Trustworthiness
    • Chapter 9-The Voice and Speed of Trust
    • Chapter 10-Blending Voices
    • Chapter 11-One Voice
    • Chapter 12-The Voice and Discipline of Execution
    • Chapter 13-The Empowering Voice
    • Chapter 14-The 8th Habit and the Sweet Spot
    • Chapter 15-Using Our Voices Wisely to Serve Others
  • Recap: 7 Habits of Highly Effective People
    • NOTE: You have to know the 7 Habits to appreciate the 8th Habit
    • 1. Be proactive
    • 2. Begin with the end in mind
    • 3. Put first things first
    • 4. Think Win-Win
    • 5. Seek first to understand then to be understood
    • 6. Synergize
    • 7. Sharpen the saw
    • 8. Find your voice and inspire others to find theirs
  • Two Steps to 8th Habit:
    • A. Find your voice
      • -engage in work that genuinely taps your talents and fuels your passion
      • -to do something significant with your career
      • -to sense an unmet need
      • -harness all your talents and passion to meet that need
      • -to take the path to greatness rather than settling for mediocrity
    • B. Inspire others to find their voices
      • -continue your achievements by helping others finding their voice as well
      • -recognize, respect and create meaningful opportunities for others to express their voices
      • -to breathe life into another
      • -encourage and positively influence others within your organization
  • Focus on somthing in your life:
    • 1. Expand your influence
    • 2. Be trustworthy
    • 3. Build trust
    • 4. Blend other’s voices
    • 5. Create a common vision
  • Execution:
    • 1. Align goals and systems
    • 2. Empower others
  • Voice-Unique Personal Significance:
    • 1. Talent-natural gifts and talents
    • 2. Need-know what the world needs [or workplace, or community]
    • 3. Conscience-still small voice
    • 4. Passion-things that naturally energize, excite, motivate and inspire
  • Life is too short-change your mindset:
    • 1. To Live
    • 2. To Love
    • 3. To Leave a legacy
  • 5 Ages of Civilization:
    • 1. Hunter/Gatherer Age
    • 2. Agricultural Age
    • 3. Industrial Age
    • 4. Information/Knowledge Worker Age
    • 5. Wisdom Age
  • Video Lesson Max and Max:
    • 1. Do your job and your job only disease
    • 2. Confusing leadership disease
    • 3. Initiative killers
  • Whole Person Paradigm-4 Dimensions of a Person:
    • 1. Mind-To learn, growth and development
    • 2. Body-To live, survival
    • 3. Heart-To love, relationship
    • 4. Spirit-To leave a legacy, meaning and contribution
  • 6 Levels of Choice:
    • 1. Rebel or Quit
    • 2. Malicious obedience
    • 3. Willing compliance
    • 4. Cheerful cooperation
    • 5. Heartfelt commitment
    • 6. Creative excitement
  • A Great Organization:
    • 1. Can sustain long term growth
    • 2. Provide prosperity
    • 3. Contribute to the world
  • Habit is the glue of:
    • 1. Knowledge
    • 2. Attitude
    • 3. Skills
  • Hardwired Birth Gifts:
    • 1. Freedom and power to choose
    • 2. Principles [natural laws-universal, timeless, self-evident]
    • 3. The 4 Intelligences/Capacities
      • IQ-Mental
      • PQ-Physical/Economic
      • EQ-Emotional/Social
      • SQ-Spiritual
    • Note: Stimulus and Response is separated by our Freedom to Choose
  • 5 Component of Emotional Intelligence-EQ:
    • 1. Self-awareness
    • 2. Personal motivation
    • 3. Self-regulation
    • 4. Empathy
    • 5. Social skills
  • Components of Spiritual Intelligence:
    • 1. Integrity-being true to one’s highest values and conscience
    • 2. Meaning-a sense of contribution to people and causes
    • 3. Voice-aligning work with one’s unique calling and gifts
  • Video Lessons: Law of the Harvest:
    • Preparation
    • Patience
    • Respect Law of Nature
    • Acknowledge Human Element
    • Avoid shortcuts
  • 4 Leadership Must Haves:
    • 1. Have a vision-Mind
    • 2. Have discipline-Body
    • 3. Have passion-Heart
    • 4. Have a conscience-Spirit
  • Traits of Significant Person:
    • A-Vision-Mental Intelligence/Capacity
      • 1. Idealistic
      • 2. Long term perspective
      • 3. Anticipates failure
      • 4. Dreamer
      • 5. People believer
      • 6. Sets expectations
      • 7. Philosophical
      • 8. Pioneering
      • 9. Strategic Thinker
      • 10.Hopeful
      • 11.Outside the box
    • B- Discipline-Physical Intelligence/Capacity
      • 1. Realistic
      • 2. Focused
      • 3. Execution
      • 4. Constant
      • 5. Takes initiatives
      • 6. Committed
      • 7. Hard working
      • 8.Tenacious
      • 9. Willing to sacrifice
      • 10. Self-disciplined
      • 11. Competent
      • 12. Consistent
      • 13. Decisive
    • C-Passion-Emotional Intelligence/Capacity
      • 1. Optimistic
      • 2. Hope
      • 3. Synergistic
      • 4. Courageous
      • 5. Emphatic
      • 6. Inclusive
      • 7. Affirming
      • 8. Fearless
      • 9. Challenging
      • 10. Sensitive
      • 11. Motivating
      • 12. Fun
      • 13. Influential
      • 14. Humor
      • 15. People oriented
    • D-Conscience-Spiritual Intelligence/Capacity
      • 1. Enthusiastic
      • 2. Intuitive
      • 3. Takes responsibility
      • 4. Moral
      • 5. Wise
      • 6. Integrity
      • 7. Servant
      • 8. Humble
      • 9. Fair
      • 10. Abundant
      • 11. Ethical
      • 12. Inspired
      • 13. Compassionate
      • 14. Respectful
      • 15. Cause oriented
  • 4 Primary Management Practices:
    • 1. Strategy-devise and maintain a clearly stated focused strategy
    • 2. Execution-develop and maintain flawless operation execution
    • 3. Culture-develop and maintain a performance oriented culture
    • 4. Structure-build and maintain a fast, flexible, flat organization
  • What do successful leaders do?:
    • 1. Set direction-vision, customers, future
    • 2. Demonstrate personal character-habits, integrity, trust, analytical thinking
    • 3. Mobilize individual commitment-engage others, share power
    • 4. Engender organizational capability-build teams, manage teams
  • 7 Levels of Initiative 8th Habit: p.133
    • 1. Wait until told.
    • 2. Ask
    • 3. Make a recommendation
    • 4. I intend to
    • 5. Do it and report immediately
    • 6. Do it and report periodically
    • 7. Do it
  • 5 Cancerous Behaviors:
    • 1. Criticizing
    • 2. Complaining
    • 3. Comparing
    • 4. Competing
    • 5. Contenting
  • Survey Said: “Character of Effective Leader”
    • 1. Integrity [the top quality]
    • 2. Communicator
    • 3. People Focused
    • 4. Visionary
    • 5. Caring
    • 6. Decision Maker
    • 7. Dedicated
    • 8. A Model
    • 9. Motivator
    • 10. Expert
    • 11. Courageous
  • Effective Team/Individual:
    • 1. Clear Mission and Values
    • 2. Goals are set
    • 3. Plan Weekly
    • 4. Plan Daily
  • Types/Levels of Listening:
    • 1. Ignoring
    • 2. Pretend Listening [patronizing]
    • 3. Selective Listening
    • 4. Attentive Listening
    • 5. Empathic Listening [within the other’s frame of reference][highest level]
  • Solution Continuum:
    • 1. Lose-Win/Win-Lose [transaction]
    • 2. Compromise [transaction]
    • 3. Mutual understanding [without agreeing] [transformation]
    • 4. Win-Lose/Lose-Win [with increased understanding and caring] [transformation]
    • 5. Compromise on issue [synergy in relationship] [transformation]
    • 6. Synergy on issue and in relationship [transformation][stay on this]
  • Video Lessons: Goal
    • 1. Unable to identify top goal and priorities
    • 2. Not passionate about the goal
    • 3. Less time spent on goals
    • 4. Don’t understand what to do
  • Video Lessons: Berlin Wall
    • 1. Barriers exist within people
    • 2. Barriers prevents communication
    • 3. Barriers cannot be broken in a short time
    • 4. Barriers are sometimes spiritual-unseen
    • 5. People are different even after the barrier is taken down
  • Point of View Changes the World:
    • You cannot change the world
    • But you can change the facts
    • And when you change the facts,
    • You changes point of view
    • When you change the point of view,
    • You can change the world
  • Survey Said: What is holding Empowerment?:
    • 1. Manager afraid to let go [let go of micromanagement]
    • 2. Misaligned systems
    • 3. Manager lack skills
    • 4. Employee lack skills
    • 5. Employee don’t want responsibility
    • 6. Manager too busy
    • 7. Management too controlling
    • 8. Lack of company vision
    • 9. Employee don’t trust manager
    • 10. Employee lack integrity
  • A Servant Leader 5 Questions:
    • 1. How is it going?
    • 2. What are you learning?
    • 3. What are your goals?
    • 4. How can I help you?
    • 5. How am I doing as a helper?
  • 4 Roles of Leadership:
    • 1. Modeling-Inspire trust without expecting it [personal moral authority]

      2. Pathfinding-create order without demanding it [visionary moral authority]

      3. Aligning-nourishes both vision and empowerment without proclaiming them [institutional moral authority]

      4. Empowering-unleashes human potential without externally motivating it [cultural moral authority]

  • Modes of Communication:
    • 1. Hostility [1+1=-1] [contention]
    • 2. Defensive Communication [1+1=5] [contention]
    • 3. Communication Compromise [1+1=1.5] [transaction]
    • 4. Synergy-Third Alternative [1+1=3, 10, 100] [transformation]
  • Execution Gap:
    • 1. Unable to identify top goals and priorities
    • 2. Not passionate about the goal
    • 3. Less time spent on goals
    • 4. Don’t understand what to do
  • Requisite of a successful team:
    • 1. Mission-clear purpose

      2. Strategic planning-main strategy on how to accomplish the mission

      3. Structure-detailed roadmap of actions; people, resources, tools [templates, database, spreadsheets, documentation

  • Mission Statement:
    • 1. should encompass your sense of purpose, your vision and your values

      2. strategic plan-crisp descriptions of how you will provide value to your customer [value proposition]; focus and voice

      3. strategic plan=action plan, realizing your vision and values everyday

  • Level 5 Leadership Hierarchy:
    • Level 1-Highly Capable Individual, makes productive contributions through talent, knowledge, skills and good work habits

      Level 2-Contributing Team Member, contributes to the achievement of group objectives, works effectively with others in a group settings

      Level 3-Competent Manager, organizes people and resources toward effective and effective pursuit of predetermined objectives

      Level 4-Effective Leader, catalyzes commitment to and vigorous pursuit of a clear and compelling vision; stimulates the group to high performance standards

      Level 5-Executive, builds enduring greatness through a paradoxical combination of personal humility plus professional will

  • What do you think about the book?:
    • The success and the impact/influence of the 7 Habits across the globe transformed many individuals from just being “good” to “being great”. Personally, I’ve been a believer and a practitioner of the 7 Habits many years ago. My favorite is the Time Management Matrix-Quadrant2. Truly a remarkable starting point to get things organized in our personal life. Knowing the fundamental principles of a true working leadership theory, one should not hesitate to include the 7 Habits as the core/guiding principle in life. Later on once mastery is attained to the fullest; apply/utilize the 8th Habit. The 8th Habit takes the 7 Habits as the basic foundation of personal development and then later implemented like a building block to transform a person, a family, a workplace or an organization. Influencing a person or a friend or a child or a colleague is a broad subject by itself and takes a lot of wisdom/demand on how to truly impact their lives with what we currently believe and practice. The author took time and effort and provided plenty of explanation and theories and gave examples on how to guide others to find their voice. The first step before we can even think of executing the 8th Habit is to find/know our voice. Once our voice is identified and engrained in our personal habits/systems and the voice itself is grounded in solid foundation of our own “life examples” and “life experiences” we can then share it to someone. You cannot share what you don’t have and it is impossible to really give what you do not practice. Many people are finding the hard truth of why our personal leadership is ineffective. The true/short answer is most likely; we have not “got it” ourselves yet. There are many components to become a great leader/person. One has to constantly sharpen those fundamental skills/traits daily and work towards flawlessness and constancy of application to real life situation. There is no shortcut to true personal leadership, one has to acquire each skillset one a time and then later on we become capable to inspire others and one day they too will nod their head and say – “this is a good example of true leadership and me too – I want to inspire others to find their meaning and voice”. In doing so, we transform a person at first and then our surroundings and then our organization and then the world.

      I was in the mid part of the book when I shared the 8th Habit to someone. I asked him if he knows about the 7 Habits and he said yes. Then later I asked him if he heard about the 8th Habit, he became curious instantly but when I told him that the 8th Habit demands us to inspire others – he automatically become so antagonistic about the subject and we started having a debate. His point of view are these:

      • 1. At work, I have to compete to survive.
      • 2. Why would I inspire others? Who cares about other employees?
      • 3. I worked hard to get where I am, everyone should go through the same ordeal.

      I was speechless and unable to carry on the conversation. Later in my reading of the book, I came across the 5 cancerous behaviors. That is when I realized that a personal transformation must happen first. The transformation must come inside the core of our self – mind, body, heart and spirit. Without the visible transformation, a person cannot set out to sail in the business of inspiring other people. It takes great humility and firm belief system to transform an individual. A person can read motivational/self-help books, listens to great speakers but without the spiritual transformation within, the human nature will take over and dominate the person and will eventually show the symptoms of the cancerous behaviors of criticizing, complaining, comparing, competing and contending. Step Zero-get rid of this cancerous attitudes.

      The Book 8th Habit is a lengthy read. I managed to take notes as I went along through the 20 pages/day pace. I wish they have a Kindle version of the book so that I can just screenshot key points and take notes. There are a good amount

  • Compiled By:
    • Rigel Arcayan, 20120815
    • blindcaveman.wordpress.com

MindMap-Book-StrategicPlanning

MindMap-Book-StrategicPlanning

  • Book-Leadership-StrategicPlanning.pdf/1, -5
  • Contents/5, -87
  • Acknowledgements/9, -3
  • How to use this Handbook/13, -3
  • Keys to Success and Facts of Failure/13, 551
  • Section I:Guidance/15, 230
  • An Introduction toStrategicManagement/17, -9
    • The Strategic Management Model/18, 342
    • What is therole of theseniorleadershipteam/19, 112
    • What are thebenefits ofstrategicmanagement/19, 554
    • What is the firststep towardstrategicmanagement/20, 186
    • How do wedevelop astrategic plan/20, 369
    • How long willit take us tocomplete theplanningprocess/21, 125
    • Caution: Do not begin strategic planning unless/22, -88
  • Phase I – Deployment: Completing the Strategic Plan/23, -88
    • Who does whatto complete thestrategic plan/24, -119

      Goal Groups/24, 63

      Whose jobis it to complete the planning-MQ/25, -211

      What isconsensusand why isit necessary/25, 33

      Where canthe seniorleadershipteam gethelp/25, 155

      Caution: During deployment/25, 429

      Advice: Maintain open and candid communication/25, 429

      How is thestrategic plancompleted/26, -58

      What aregoal groups/26, 33

      How are thegoal groupsformed/26, 307

      What willthey do/27, -302

      Can a goalgroup obtainassistancefrom othermembers/27, 520

      How do goalgroups developstrategies andobjectives/28, -211

      How dogoal groupsget their outputback to theseniorleadershipteam/28, -88

      Shouldcross-briefingsbe done atregular staffmeetings/28, 367

      Shouldcross-briefingsbe facilitated/29, -241

      How canthe seniorleadershipteamdeterminewhether thestrategies andobjectives willmeet the goal/29, 216

      Can otherpeople suchas staff, keycustomers, orstakeholdersattend thecross-briefings/30, 33

      Should thegoals andstrategies beprioritized/31, -58

      Should theobjectives beprioritized/31, 186

      Involve mid-level management as active participants/32, 246

      What aresome waysto get feedbackfrom mid-levelmanagers onthe •draft• plan/33, 93

      Should theseniorleadershipteam solicitfeedback fromall employeeson the strategicplan/34, -119,

      What aboutunion leaders?How do we getthem on board/34, -119,

      Shouldcustomers beinvited togive feedbackon the planbefore it ispublished/34, 398,

      When shouldcustomers beinvolved/35, -370,

      How shouldthe feedbackbe incorporatedinto thestrategic plan/35, -53,

      What elseshould beconsideredbeforefinalizing thestrategic plan/35, 384,

      How areoversight andaccountabilityfor theimplementationactionsestablished/36, -146,

      Is a separatebudget neededforimplementingthe strategicplan/36, 52,

      Why do wehave to thinkaboutmeasurementbefore weeven publishthe plan?/36, 290,

      Charge mid-level management with aligning lower-levelplans/37, -279,

      How shouldthe seniorleadershipteam determineif lower-levelplans areneeded?/37, -81,

      What shouldbe included inthe publisheddocument?/37, 355,

      What aboutsharing thestrategic planexternally;what shouldbe included/38, 302,

      Does anythingelse need to beincluded in thepublished plan/39, -229,

      What shouldthe strategicplan look like?/39, -30,

  • Phase II – Deployment:Communicatingthe Strategic Plan/41, -138,
    • Assign roles and responsibilities/42, -255,
    • Who does whatto communicatethe strategic plan?/42, -255,
    • Communicate the plan constantly and consistently/43, -71,
    • How shouldthe plan beshared with theorganization?/43, 87,
    • Internal Communication Tools/44, -164,
    • Should the planbe sharedoutside theorganization?/46, 403,
    • External Communication Tools/47, 71,
    • Recognize the change process/48, -260,
    • Once the planis published,what happens?/48, -260,
    • Help people through the change process/49, -116,
    • How can theseniorleadershipteam helppeople throughthe changeprocess?/49, -116,
    • How canmid-levelmanagershelp managechange?/49, 122,
    • How shouldthe seniorleadership teamcommunicatechange?/50, -210,
    • How are thenew guidingprinciplespart of thedeploymentprocess?/50, 544,
    • How can thesenior leadersshow theimportanceof the guidingprinciples?/51, 134,
    • How shouldsenior leadershelp each other•live• theguidingprinciples?/51, 134,
  • Phase III – Implementing theStrategic Plan/53, -92,
    • Assign roles and responsibilities/55, -269,
    • Who does whatto successfullyimplement thestrategic plan?/55, -269,
    • Team Hierarchy/58, -153,
    • How shouldseniorleadershipbe involved?/59, 269,
    • Define an infrastructure/60,
    • What type ofinfrastructureis best?/60,
    • How is teammembershipdetermined?/61,
    • Are chartersneeded?/62,
    • Do we need afacilitator forevery team?/62,
    • Link goal groups/63,
    • Why arelinkagesimportant?/63,
    • What makessome teamsmoreproductivethan others?/63,
    • Phase integration of implementation actions withworkload/64,
    • *** How areimplementationplansdeveloped?/64,
    • Involve everyone within the organization/66,
    • Is it importantto link thestrategic planto day-to-daybusiness?/66,
    • How doesimplementationimpact theday-to-daybusiness?/67,
    • But there areexternal forceswe have nocontrol over/67,
    • Is everyoneinvolved ona team?/68,
    • How aredecisionslinked to thestrategic plan?/68,
    • How is thestrategic planresourced?/69,
    • Allocate resources for implementation/69,
    • What resourcesdo we need?/69,
    • How is thestrategic planincorporatedinto thebudgetingprocess?/70,
    • Does thebudget drivethe plan ordoes the plandrive thebudget?/70,
    • What ifresources arenot availableto implementan importantstrategy in theplan?/71,
    • Manage the change processTransitions/72,
    • How do wekeep changesin leadershipfrom changingthe course?/72,
    • Will strategicplanningimplementationchange ourcurrent policiesand procedures/74,
    • Evaluate results/74,
    • How do we trackprogress ofimplementationactions?/74,
    • How do weevaluate results?/75,
    • Is it necessaryto regularlycommunicatethe status ofthe plan?/75,
    • How do wetell newemployeesabout theplan and theirrole in it?/76,
  • Phase IV -StrategicMeasurement/77,Black,notBold,notItalic,closed,FitPage
    • Revisiting theStrategic Plan/99,
    • Why revisitthe plan?/99,
    • Who does whatwhen we revisitthe strategicplan?/100,
    • How doesthe seniorleadershipteam knowwhen to revisitthe strategicplan?/101,
    • How long doesrevisiting theplan take?/102,
    • Should weuse the samestrategicplanningprocess asbefore?/103,
    • What shouldthe interviewquestionsaddress?/104,
    • Shouldcustomers beinvited toparticipatethis time?/105,
    • How does therevision affectsuborganizations?/105,
    • Our seniorleader isleaving; doesthat impactwhen and howwe revisit theplan?/105,
    • What aboutother seniorleadership teammemberstransitioning?/106,
    • How do wemore effectivelyintegratemeasurementwith ourstrategicplanningprocess?/107,
    • How do we usemeasurementresults?/107,
    • Should we tryrevisiting theplan on ourown, or shouldwe use strategicplanningfacilitators?/108,
    • So the strategicmanagementprocess can beeven morechallengingthe secondtime around?/108,
    • Planning and Implementation Hierarchy/78,
    • Who does The following are suggested roles and responsibilities:what instrategicmeasurement/80,
    • Why do weneed ameasurementteam?/81,
    • Who shouldbe on themeasurementteam?/82,
    • ***Use measurement to understand the organization/83,
    • How does theorganizationoperate?/83,
    • How doorganizationalmeasurementslink together?/84,
    • What is therelationshipbetween thefour types ofmeasures?/84,
    • Don•torganizationsalready collectthese data?/85,
    • What principlesshould beused to createstrategicmeasures?/86,
    • How do wedevelopstrategicmeasures?/88,
    • How manystrategicmeasuresshould wehave?/90,
    • What datashould wecollect?/90,
    • Can weincorporate themeasures wealready use?/91,
    • We havetargeted only afew areas forimplementationin the first year./92,
    • Use measurement to provide an integrated,focused view of the future/92,
    • How doesstrategicmeasurementfocus everyone•ssights onthe futureorganization?/92,
    • Use measurement to communicate policy/93,
    • How doesstrategicmeasurementchange thepurpose ofmeasurementfrom control tocommunicatingpolicy?/93,
    • How doesstrategicmeasurementprovide anopportunity forempowerment?/93,
    • Do we need tohave a measurefor every goal,strategy, andobjective?/93,
    • We are asuborganization;what measuresdo we need?/94,
    • Update the measurement system/95,
    • How doesstrategicmeasurementprovide anorganizedmethod forreviewingmeasures?/95,
    • How doesstrategicmeasurementhelp theorganizationremain constantin pursuit of itsgoals?/95,
    • How will thedata beevaluated?/95,
    • How doesstrategicmeasurementprovide datato clarify andupdatestrategies?/96,
    • How doesstrategicmeasurementhelp in decisionmaking?/96,
    • How will theresults becommunicatedto theworkforce?/96,
    • How do weovercomepeople•sdislike ofmeasurementand beingmeasured?/97,
    • How are theresults linkedto the strategicplan?/97,
  • Case Studies:Strategic Plans at Work/111, -509,-697,0.5
  • Case Study:Naval Air Station, Barbers Point/113,
  • Case Study:Naval Air Facility Washington/123,
  • Guidance for Chartering Teams/128,
  • Sample of a Charter for a Process Action Team/129,
  • Case Study:United States MilitaryEntrance Processing Command/135,
  • Case Study:Center for Veterinary Medicine/147,
  • Appendix/157,
  • Glossary/159,
  • Bibliography/165,
  • About the Author/171,
  • Strategy-Mapping-for-Learning-Organizations-Ch1/174, -6
    • Strategy Mapping/174, 521

Mindmap-Book: Practice of Freedom

Mindmap-Book: Practice of Freedom

  • Contents/12
  • Foreword/20
  • Acknowledgments/22
  • Introduction/24
  • Part 1-Initial Stages/32
  • Chapter 1-ANARCHY/34 -3
    • AN EARLY SENSE OF ANARCHY/34 346
    • PUSHING THE BOUNDARIES/35 116
    • SEPARATION FROM UNCONDITIONAL LOVE/36 273
    • TRAPPED AND IMPRISONED/37 -113
    • STAYING POSITIVE IN THE FACE OF DIFFICULTIES/38 123
    • EXPERIENCING RESISTANCE/39 164
    • PAIN/40 -28
    • ACCEPTANCE OF LIMITATIONS/40 515
    • pain that arisesfrom anticipation/41 -25
    • fear of being abandoned/41 -25
    • fear ofbeing intruded/41 -25
    • EMOTIONAL PAIN/41 324
    • Pain can bring people together/41 596
    • PHYSICAL PAIN/42 -62
    • how vulnerable I am/42 -23
    • mental and emotional pain arise from past or future/42 56
    • physical pain is often about the present/42 56
    • CHRONIC PAIN/42 443
    • angst or dissatisfaction/43 -369
    • “kill for peace”/43 -253
    • Chronic pain, pain that cannot be killed/43 -253
    • search for liberation:/43 -253
    • modern drugs don’t usually hold the answers/43 -59
    • Wheredoes the pain come from?/43 -59
    • PAIN OF SEPARATION AND ISOLATION/43 336
    • Isolation implies the even more frightening/43 336
    • Envy, which springsfrom the notion that others/43 497
    • FACING AND ACCEPTING OUR PAIN/44 8
    • self-cultivationthat focuses on openness and stability/44 8
    • Pain, for better or worse, is part of our lives/44 8
    • to know our personal pain/44 162
    • IMPOVERISHMENT VERSUS THE LARGER VIEW/44 551
    • To reduce to poverty/44 551
    • fame, fortune, and good looks/45 105
    • missingthing is usually sought in the external world/45 168
    • woman named Peace Pilgrim/45 758
    • ACHIEVEMENT AS A SABOTAGE PATTERN/46 -8
    • material gain and achievement/46 -8
    • Credentials are also in the category/46 -8
    • Extreme highs are followed by extreme lows/46 -8
    • MOVEMENT TOWARD ETIQUETTE/47 -162
    • Impoverishment breeds resentment/47 -162
    • Resentment grows because/47 -162
  • Chapter 2-ETIQUETTE/48 -3
    • ETIQUETTE AS FORM/48 188
    • MAAI/49 -198
    • SOCIAL ETIQUETTE/49 502
    • SAMURAI ETIQUETTE/50 620
    • When forms are cultivated/51 157
    • EVOLUTION/52 -82
    • LEARNING TO FALL/52 577
    • Because we fall willingly/53 -313
    • Instead of the fear of falling/53 -313
    • HISTORICAL ETIQUETTE/53 350
    • CONTEMPORARY ETIQUETTE/55 -148
    • AIKIDO AS ETIQUETTE/56 -69
    • ETIQUETTE AS A CODEPENDENT WEB/56 474
    • THE BEGINNING OF MORALITY/57 372
  • Chapter 3-MORALITY/58 -14
    • CENTERING AND OPENINGTO A DEEPER TRUTH/60 -231

      “giving life to allbeings/60 2

      people whoare abusive are in pain/60 2

      freedom of unconditional love/60 235

      People who attack others/60 235

      THE GAP BETWEEN BELIEF AND ACTION/61 -35

      to understand the circumstancesof the “attack.”/61 315

      CHOOSING THE GOOD/61 392

      DISCIPLINE LEADS TO FULFILLMENT/62

      who studied a martial art tended to be less/63 -185

      Under duress, we don’t rise to ourexpectations/63 -185

      RIGHT LIVELIHOOD/63 164

      By paying close attention toour actions,/63 630

      decrease our personal animosity/64 -299

      PAYING ATTENTION TO OUR THOUGHTS/64 90

      SAINTS AND MYSTICS AS HINTS/64 554

      The person must take thehint/65 -373

      OUR MORAL COMPASS/65 418

      RESPECT/66 49

      EXPLORING OUR FEAR/68 145

      Fear is triggered by loss of control/68 224

      find ways to distract myself/68 224

      possibilities are to resist or to collapse/68 611

      expose the fear, accept it, andground it/69 -318

      best way to deal with an attack/69 -318

      to center and opento or face the situation,/69 -318

      mindfulness approachencourages us to stop, settle down, and look at our fear/69 -162

      Most fear is the result of memory/69 110

      disengage from the past bybringing our attention to the present moment/69 110

      Nonresistance—looking andaccepting/69 110

      ORDEALS: TESTING THE PERIMETERSOF OUR DEVELOPMENT/69 574

      Facing our fear is an ordeal/70 -238

      fear increases, welose mobility, confidence, and a sense of freedom/70 -82

      choose toundergo an ordeal/70 500

      rite of passage/70 500

      black belt test, or a vision quest,/71 -80

      READJUSTING TO INCREASED ABILITIES/71 463

      RESPONSIBILITY/72 -157

      instinctive, intuitive, and cognitive/72 270

      responsible as “implies trustworthy performance/73 40

      “Fixed duties”/73 40

      RESPONSIBILITY TO SELF/73 117

      being present toourselves/73 117

      Conscious Embodiment/73 117

      four focus points/73 117

      the breath/73 117

      the balance of the surrounding energy field or presence/73 117

      the sensation of gravity/73 117

      quality/73 117

      acceptance/73 117

      compassion/73 117

      patience/73 117

      softness/73 117

      appreciation/73 117

      practice of seeingwith precision the situation at every moment/73 117

      RESPONSIBILITY TO OTHERS/74 80

      open attention/74 80

      we are not responsible for the people themselves/74 80

      wetake responsibility for the environment that they have entered/74 80

      we acceptothers as they are/74 80

      we do not try to change them/74 80

      we providethem with a stable, calm environment and unconditional acceptance/74 80

      We set an example for them by cultivating an environment of calmnessand kindness/74 80

      Being responsible for someone or something means that we willinglyincrease the size of our territory/74 198

      we have entered the territory of compassion/74 198

  • Chapter 4-COMPASSION/76 86
    • NURTURING THE SEED OF COMPASSION/76 164

      “Don’t look at the opponent’s eyes, or your mind will be drawninto his eyes.”1/76 281

      Feel your feet, legs, and hips/76 281

      Open yourself.Let this person in, include him/76 281

      CULTIVATING OPENNESS UNDER PRESSURE/77 128

      KINDNESS/77 710,-4,1.25

      May I be happy, may I bepeaceful, may I be filled with love./78 285,-4,1.25

      BUILDING A RESERVOIR OF POSITIVE FEELINGS/79 56,-4,1.25

      May I behappy so that I can spread happiness./79 133,-4,1.25

      Compassion (“the deep feeling of sharing the suffering of another/79 366,-4,1.25

      when Iaccept a situation fully, I experience less suffering/81 -133,-4,1.25

      “A mind to serve for the peace of all human beings in the world isneeded in Aikido./81 293,-4,1.25

      THE QUALITIES OF COMPASSION/82 63,-4,1.25

      By conditioning our bodies, we bring outthe strength;/82 63,-4,1.25

      by opening our hearts, we bring out the love/82 63,-4,1.25

      Compassiondoes not reject: it accepts./82 218,-4,1.25

      COMPASSIONATE LEADERSHIP/82 684,-4,1.25

      Agood leader tends to be positive, confident, and considerate in situations/83 -207,-4,1.25

      confidence has a magnetic quality that inspires/83 -207,-4,1.25

      to seek revenge would puthim at the same level as his jailers/83 26,-34,1.25

      leadership will be followed willingly, for it is supportive, notdemanding/83 336,-34,1.25

      RESPONSIBILITY AND AMBITION/83 608,-34,1.25

      What is the source of this ambition?/84 29,-34,1.25

      Weare in this thing together, rather than Me first!/84 29,-34,1.25

      Ambition that has impoverishment as itsfoundation willingly sacrifices the individual to the goal. It is based onthe notion of separation rather than unity/84 340,-34,1.25

      MINDFULNESS/85 302,-34,1.25

      begins to observe the thoughts andfeelings that arise in the mind/85 302,-34,1.25

      we need discipline in order to be still, notjust in our bodies but in our attention/85 302,-34,1.25

      Where does this thought come from?From memory? From intuition? From the collective unconscious?/85 497,-34,1.25

      Leadership is best exemplifiedand most satisfying when the leader’s motivation arises from adesire to serve rather than to gratify the self./86 -43,-34,1.25

      REPETITION OF PRACTICE/86 190,-34,1.25

      RELATIONSHIP WITH OURSELVES/86 577,-34,1.25

      In order tolearn more about ourselves, we need to pause, to take a break fromour external activities, and to begin the process of self-examination/86 654,-34,1.25

      Everything we doaffects everything else/87 -3,-34,1.25

      When Iam not so busy judging and comparing, I feel more free./88 -116,-34,1.25

      Themore that compassion is practiced, the stronger it grows/88 -116,-34,1.25

      create itself spontaneously, without any mental intentionclarifying the direction/89 -191,-34,1.25

      PRACTICING LOVING KINDNESS/90 508,-34,1.25

      May I be happy sothat I can spread happiness/91 -110,-34,1.25

      may I be peaceful so that I can spread peace/91 -110,-34,1.25

      may I be filled with love so that I can spread love/91 -110,-34,1.25

      REDUCING THE POWER OF OUR FEARS/93 502,-34,1.25

      When we are very young, a tree or a roomcan seem so huge./94 -79,-34,1.25

      When we see it years later, after we have grown up,the tree or room seems normal size, even a bit on the small side/94 -79,-34,1.25

      our fears can seem to shrink if we can mature emotionally andface what it is that keeps us from opening our hearts to ourselves andthe world/94 -79,-34,1.25

      The more I focus on what is happening and the more I practiceopenness, the less afraid I feel./89 390,-34,1.25

      We can stay focused in the present, attending to the tasksthat are in front of us, or we can take a mental journey/90 5,-34,1.25

      Discipline is thebackbone of practice/90 82,-34,1.25

      practice is repetition, doing somethingagain and again, until we have a familiarity with, a confidence about,and an ease with the situation./90 82,-34,1.25

  • Part 2-Refinement/96 523,-34,1.25
  • Chapter 5-CULTIVATING VIRTUE:INNER STILLNESS/98 -3,-34,1.25
    • “selfcultivation,/99 -40,-34,1.25

      “self-development,” or “training.”/99 -40,-34,1.25

      It implies that trainingin any kind of practice includes the totality of a person’s being: thebody, the mind, and the spirit/99 -40,-34,1.25

      THE FOUNDATION OF VIRTUE/99 310,-34,1.25

      Virtue cannot be cultivated directly. Rather, it is the result of growth/99 426,-34,1.25

      refinementof etiquette/99 426,-34,1.25

      morality/99 426,-34,1.25

      compassion/99 426,-34,1.25

      RELAXING UNDER PRESSURE/100 389,-34,1.25

      relax under pressure.What a magnificent idea! The questionis, How can I actually do this simple but very difficult practice?/100 429,-34,1.25

      TRAINING/101 353,-34,1.25

      It is important that a person not takeanyone’s word for it, but that a person find out for himself or herself./103 272,-34,1.25

      BREATH/103 427,-34,1.25

      the most accessible reference points/103 622,-34,1.25

      present moment is the breath/104 -230,-34,1.25

      Breath is the essence of physical life/104 -230,-34,1.25

      STILLNESS/106 474,-34,1.25

      SEEING FROM ANOTHER POINT OF VIEW/107 398,-34,1.25

      True stillness means that a persontolerates feelings of frustration, sadness, or joy without being sweptaway or allowing the feelings to bias his or her reactions/107 475,-34,1.25

      irimi/108 168,-34,1.25

      LEARNING TO BE EFFECTIVE/108 323,-34,1.25

      CULTIVATING STILLNESS/109 287,-34,1.25

      key to advancement along the mysticalpath is detachment, being able to withdraw all of the faculties into thecore of the being, which disengages a person from external events/109 403,-34,1.25

      To be still without becoming distracted is a deep and powerfulpractice. The virtue lies in the depth of cultivation/110 329,-34,1.25

      MOMENTS OF STILLNESS/110 560,-34,1.25

      “An action cannot be right unless a meditation has gonebefore it, and coexists with it. Only then can there be true freedom.”/111 215,-34,1.25

      THREE LEVELS OF PRACTICE/111 369,-34,1.25

      ritual/111 369,-34,1.25

      weave practice moments into ourdaily lives/112 255,-34,1.25

      spontaneous practice/113 -168,-34,1.25

      CIRCULATION/114 182,-34,1.25

      how to keep someone from invading hisspace./114 455,-34,1.25

      invite him or her into your space/114 455,-34,1.25

      develop our capacity to respond instead ofreact/115 431,-34,1.25

      wecan be more open and sensitive to whatever we encounter andrespond with full hearts./116 6,-34,1.25

      FINDING BALANCE/116 199,-34,1.25

      How can I have a prosperous life inthe material world and be connected with total integrity to a spiritualway of being?/116 409,-34,1.25

      Is it possible to relate with the world so that I do notmake it my enemy or seduce it into being my lover?/116 409,-34,1.25

      people who withdraw to a more contemplativeway of life are considered eccentric/117 451,-275,1.25

      If a poor person has a family, then the entire family has limited accessto higher education, travel, and artistic and cultural experiences.When this kind of limitation is imposed rather than chosen, it can createa desire for fulfillment in the world of material things/118 65,-275,1.25

      What is needed is more awareness and conscious choice in the areaof material acquisition. How can we develop a certain disciplineregarding how much we think that we need?/118 65,-275,1.25

      Finding balance means that we need to focus our attention in theopposite direction, to cultivate a reduction of our need for things/118 65,-275,1.25

      The less we have, the less we have to protect. The antidote to complexityis simplicity/118 65,-275,1.25

      When I want something, I ask myself,Do I really need it?Will I be able to use it to enrich my life or will it use meto create more neediness?/118 219,-275,1.25

      remember that happinessand freedom come from within/118 336,-275,1.25

      to assist me in living a life of integrity and not let them drag meinto a world of desire./118 608,-275,1.25

      encouraging dignity, simplicity, andgenerosity/118 608,-275,1.25

  • Chapter 6-CULTIVATING THE WAY:SURRENDER/120 31,-275,1.25
    • SURRENDER/120 31,-275,1.25

      The basic act of surrender does not involve the worship of an externalpower. Rather it means working together with inspiration, so thatone becomes an open vessel into which knowledge can be poured/120 31,-275,1.25

      surrender as “to relinquish possession or control of to another becauseof demand or compulsion; to give up in favor of another; to give upor abandon./120 147,-275,1.25

      DIFFERING VIEWS OF EGO AND SPIRIT/121 148,-275,1.25

      desire to completelysurrender and at the same time felt a fear of surrendering/121 148,-275,1.25

      Iwish to lose myself, and at the same time I am afraid of losing myself./121 148,-275,1.25

      When I feel resistance to change arise, I can understand that it ismy ego’s fear of losing its identity: change can be the equivalent of anidentity crisis./121 148,-275,1.25

      THE EGO’S VIEW OF SURRENDER/122 40,-275,1.25

      What is it that my ego wantsto surrender to a lover or protect from some potential thief? Is it myheart or my mind or my body?/122 40,-275,1.25

      When someone is rude to me, my ego feels as though that personhas invaded or attacked my territory. When someone complimentsme, approving of or admiring me and my territory, my ego feels moreat ease./122 233,-275,1.25

      SURRENDER AS EMPOWERMENT/122 427,-275,1.25

      It is possible to surrender and yet retain a sense of individual identity/122 427,-275,1.25

      Surrender meansnot resisting the energy of the moment/122 427,-275,1.25

      How do we stop fightingthe other person and protecting ourselves?/123 -191,-275,1.25

      The process of self-cultivation shows us ways in which surrenderenhances our ability to be strong and open. The ability to surrenderto the line of our own moral compass resolves confusion and allowsus to move toward our goals unimpeded/123 -191,-275,1.25

      Self-cultivation lets us examine the nature of our personal territory.As we clarify what it is that we are protecting, we can begin towork directly with releasing our attachment to parts of ourselves thatare not useful./123 -191,-275,1.25

      I can’t let go of this—yet/123 42,-275,1.25

      SURRENDERING TO A DIFFERENT WAY OF LIFE/123 431,-275,1.25

      In traditional Christian monasteries, where nuns and monks trainin order to surrender their lives to the service of God through thechurch, some of the people who adopt this way of life are able to genuinelygive up their attachment to their previous way of life and surrenderto the traditional way of life of a devotee/124 -265,-275,1.25

      SURRENDERING TO ETIQUETTE,MORALITY, AND COMPASSION/124 316,-275,1.25

      The most beautifuland profound emotion we can experience is the sensation of the mystical.It is the sower of all true science. He to whom this emotion is astranger, who can no longer wonder and stand rapt in awe, is as goodas dead/125 -147,-275,1.25

      We are able to respond rather than defend, and if ourability to respond is nurtured, then it will grow into virtue. When wehave virtue, we no longer need to make an effort to surrender: itoccurs naturally, spontaneously./125 279,-275,1.25

      SURRENDERING TO A TEACHER/126 -66,-275,1.25

      We can surrender to a teacher on any number of levels. At the mostbasic level, we agree that this person can make certain decisions aboutour behavior and our actions. If we have personal contact with himor her, then we trust that this person has enough perspective and wisdomto know what is helpful to, and what is problematic in, ourdevelopment. Even/126 113

      When we surrender to a teacher, there are usually certain practicesor techniques involved. The teacher wants us to do things a certainway for a certain amount of time. There are usually specific requirementsthat we are willing to attempt to fulfill, even if we do not completelyagree with them/126 230

      Resistance to the teacher implies that the exchange of energy isbeing impeded/127 -156

      TEACHERS AS CATALYSTS/127 231

      Teachers are catalysts. They instigate a process that can allow us toopen, grow, and change if we will surrender/127 426

      if the teacherlacks moral integrity, then the situation can become dangerous andresult in a cult./128 -114

      THE RESPONSIBILITY OF TEACHER AND STUDENT/128 545

      EXPERIENCING THE PRESENCE OF A LIVING TEACHER/129 120

      SURRENDERING TO A TEACHING/130 316

      SURRENDERING TO INTERNAL CONFLICT/132 167

      A classic example of internal conflict is when the mind thinks onething and the heart feels another/132 321

      three centers/132 321

      The head center deals with perception/132 321

      the heart centerwith containing and expressing emotion/132 321

      the belly center witha deeply felt sense of purpose/132 321

      The human tendencyis to acknowledge conflict on an intellectual level and then tryto smooth it over or ignore the deeper, less articulated parts it. I oftenfind that I want to move away from these conflicted feelings./132 400

      TRUTH BRINGS STRENGTH AND ENERGY/133 363

      VOLUNTARY SURRENDER/134 210

      balance between doing and being, action and stillness,needs to be achieved, but it would seem that, on the whole, cultivatingan interest in and a capacity for surrender would be helpful tothose who yearn for freedom and happiness./135 -97

  • Chapter 7-THE OPEN DOORTO FREEDOM: NONRESISTANCE/136 -19
    • A FEELING OF LIQUID FLOW/136 230

      INTERNAL PRACTICES/137 -117

      Nonresistance is cultivated through the internal arts or practices/137 231

      When we try to change someone or something, weresist what is. When we can open, however, and accept the situationwithout any resistance, it changes itself automatically without anyeffort on our part/137 231

      “[Aikido] is not for correcting others, it is for correcting your ownmind.”/138 -114

      nonresistance as “the practice or principle of refusing to resort to forceeven in defense against violence/138 2

      REDIRECTING ENERGY/138 273

      The ability to redirect energy is one of the essential qualities of leadership./138 468

      LEVELS OF NONRESISTANCE/139 392

      THE POWER OF THE CIRCLE AND THE TRIANGLE/140 316

      circle and the triangle/140

      The circle is more of a feminine shape and implies a sense of territory,a boundary/140

      The triangle is more of a masculine shape and can penetrate withoutresistance/140

      “Cutting Up anOx,/141 -301

      WORKING WITH SHAPES/143 324

      WORKING WITH TEXTURES/146 -134

      FAITH AND DOUBT/149 181

      “Every creature is born with faith ofsome kind . . . Human nature is made of faith/149 181

      Doubt is shadow, faith is light/149 181

      FAITH AND MEANING/150 48

      FAITH IN A HIGHER POWER/151 -20

      FAITH AND SELFISHNESS/151 367

      FAITH AND PRACTICE/152 137

      Our experiences can lead to insights, and our insights to understanding,but it is only through practice, through discipline, througheffort that the understanding can work its way into our cellular selves/152 202

      A garden doesn’t grow vegetables on its own. It needs cultivation./152 397

      When properly attended to, it produces lovely, nourishing food.When left uncultivated, it produces weeds. To cultivate or not:/152 397

  • Chapter 8-TIME, SPACE, AND ENERGY/154 66
    • BALANCING TIME, SPACE, AND ENERGY/154 390

      we can associate timewith etiquette, space with morality, energy with compassion, andvirtue with all three working together in perfect balance/154 423

      Timing, for instance, can become an issue of speed. One of thethings that impedes our ability to accept any incoming force is thefeeling that it has too much speed/154 551

      When things feel as if they aremoving too quickly, our sense of space is affected as well. This createsa feeling of too much energy./154 551

      TIME: ETIQUETTE/155 323

      Time has an elastic quality: a minute can be a long time and an houra short time. Speed needs to be appropriate/155 323

      go slowly withawareness is as important as being able to go quickly safely/155 323

      Reflexes are our ability to respond to a situation. Experience canhelp us develop reflexes that respond in a calm, relaxed way to a situation./155 451

      The real test is always when we are feeling pressured or whenthere is danger. How well do our systems respond in these times? Canwe have good timing and be appropriate in the circumstances?/155 451

      Timing seems to be enhanced through relaxation and nonresistance/155 451

      Yet etiquette, precise movement, and proper speed by themselvesare not enough for me to a feel totally satisfied. I also need to have aninner motivation, a reason to pursue the situation more deeply/156 448

      timing needs direction and a deeper meaning within that direction.When I am relaxed and calm, I have access to the still point, which/156 577

      SPACE: MORALITY/157 122

      practice slowing down our movements whenwe are pressured/157 153

      slowing down and remaining calm while feelingpressured becomes a genuine possibility. This allows us to be moreflexible and responsive in stressful situations/157 282

      When we are less reactiveand more responsive, we can gain access to a deeper level of rightaction for the moment and our morality is awakened/157 347

      Our culture cultivates in us a tendency to fill up the space aroundus. We sometimes identify with a need for entertainment and areuncomfortable if there is no CD, book, or TV to absorb our attention./157 477

      Psychologically, we find it difficult to allow a sense of space inour thought processes/157 477

      have found that by concentrating on the space, relating withopenness and with the qualities of energy and color in my mental/158 -205

      resting in spaciousness is an experienceof profound being, and I find great beauty and satisfaction inthese moments./158 11

      think of the mind as being like the sky andthe heart like the ocean./158 11

      Compassion refines our sense of right and wrong byexpanding our perimeters of consideration/158 205

      On ascale of 1 to 100, how much energy does this situation represent?/158 431

      If we can equalize the amount of energy comingtoward us with the same amount of energy coming from us, then thesituation will be balanced rather than overwhelming/158 528

      On ascale of 1 to 100, how much energy does this situation represent?/158 528

      When a person behaves in a way that makes usuncomfortable, energy begins building inside of us/159 -57

      emotional and psychological situationsin which defensiveness impedes the ability to really listen andtry to understand another person’s behavior/159 73

      be able to tolerate a person’s energy before I can really openmyself to hear the content of what he or she is expressing/159 137

      Tolerance is what allows us to listen in an open-hearted way towhat is being said./159 137

      The ability to allow feelings ofintensity and energy is the basis of genuine compassion. Anyone canbe compassionate if the situation is kind and supportive. The real testof our capacity for compassionate action comes when the situation isintense, energetic, or even aggressive./159 201

      Understanding the direction or shape of the energy helps us to orientourselves. The next step is to cultivate the ability to accept andwork with energy./159 363

      ENERGY, EXPRESSION, AND CONTAINMENT/159 654

      Expression is an expansive, outward flowing of energy/160 -60

      Containment is an inward movement that builds or stores up energy/160 -60

      Expression is an expansive, outward flowing of energy/160 -60

      Expression implies the ability to allow energy to flow out unimpededthrough my system/160 -3

      expression needs a balancing factor/160 94

      Overexpressionleads to instability/160 159

      If more energy comes through and outof me than I can ground, then I will begin to exhibit inappropriatebehavior. Overexpression usually has a hysterical or aggressive qualityabout it. The antidote to this problem is containment/160 289

      Listening to criticism islike being grabbed or punched. Both are incoming energy. Practicingdealing with incoming energy will result in my being able to toleratethe building up of energy inside myself. This capacity for containingenergy can help me learn to tolerate even the difficult and unpleasantparts of myself/160 418

      containing is differentfrom repressing, blocking, or fighting energy within myself/160 418

      We can refine and balance our energy through practice and disciplineby focusing our attention in particular ways/161 59

      Awareness allows us to directour attention, which affects our sense of time, space, and energy/161 188

  • Chapter 9-UNDERSTANDINGTHE VERTICAL/162 153
    • VERTICAL AND HORIZONTAL ENERGY FLOWS/165 14

      BALANCING THE HORIZONTAL WITH THE VERTICAL/167 233

      Much of the socialization process in our Western culture has to dowith the acquisition of things and credentials that win approval fromothers/167 298

      This emphasis on material goods and achievements draws usoutward toward people and things, rather than inward toward thatwhich relates to the spirit or the divine/167 298

      We learn that manipulatingpeople and controlling situations is the road to power and happiness/167 298

      It may take a personal crisis for us to turn inward, upward, ordownward/167 298

      Everything in the physical world is subject to change/168 -93

      Nothing iscompletely stable. Yet we keep searching in the physical world for astable reference point/168 -93

      We have been socialized to relate in this wayto the world/168 -93

      Growth, then, demands detachment; and both growth anddetachment are difficult for man/168 133

      CULTIVATING OUR VERTICAL CORE/169 582

      When I am balanced, energy flows up through my body and thenout toward the world of relationships/170 -100

      Life grows up, but in order tosustain itself, it must be stabilized in the Earth. If I lose my balanceand become overinvolved with a person or task, then the sustainingpower that comes from the vertical flow of heaven and Earth diminishesand my world begins to narrow./170 -3

      the principles of kindness, respect, and generosity continueto be timeless motivators in drawing an ethical line. The key tocultivating these principles is to bring our attention to them againand again/170 321

      A religious service, once a week, is not enough to balancesix days of resentment and desire/170 321

      Daily discipline builds andstrengthens a strong vertical core of integrity./170 321

      Insome traditions, a physical representation of love, such as Christ/170 676

      Prayers arean auditory manifestation of positive energy flowing through the body/170 676

      Christ also was tempted and chose the vertical. What isimportant to remember is that they did it without regret, without feelingconflicted./171 156

      Their virtue was able to withstand the pressure oftemptation./171 156

      Discipline is the key. Discipline cultivates anability to see deeply, to see things as they are, not just as they appearon the surface./172 -74

      LEVELS OF EXCELLENCE/173 20

      Mother Teresa’s loving heartare the exception rather than the rule. Yet those people who are ableto tap into a kind of freedom from limitation say that there is nothingextraordinary about what they do, that others with an equal levelof commitment could do the same./173 20

  • Chapter 10-FREEDOM/178 35
    • DIFFERING VIEWS OF FREEDOM/178 198

      What is freedom?/178 327

      Children tend to respond thatfreedom is the ability to do certain things: come and go when andwhere they please, eat what they please, say what they please, and soon/178 327

      Many adults remark that freedom means to be free from emotionalhang-ups, such as anger, jealousy, longing, and confusion/178 327

      FREEDOM AS DISCIPLINE/180 384

      It takes discipline to stay on the path of self-cultivation/181 511

      FREEDOM AS SPACE/183 213

      “If you are too close, you see only the various separate branches.So to see the whole of anything there must be—not the space thatthe word creates—but the space of freedom. Only in freedom canyou see the whole.”/183 213

      randori, inwhich a person is attacked by two or more people./183 343

      if the person who is being attacked can relax and movetoward the spaces in the room instead of toward the people, an interestingphenomenon takes place/183 343

      The attackers begin to become lessfocused and, at times, seem to collide with or confuse one another. Ifthe person being attacked focuses solely on the attackers, then theattackers become focused on the person.When there are a number ofattackers who are fast and strong, the situation can begin to feel tight/183 343

      However, if the person’s focus is on the spaces in between and at theback of the attackers instead of their bodies, then the feeling tone ofthe event changes completely./184 -211

      One important factor is the ability to relax and open all the channelsso that there is more room and the flow of energy entering us isnot impeded. This means that the breath, the blood flow, and the energyalong the spine are not constricted in any way.When we tighten up,we constrict the flow of aliveness/185 45

      Our ability to turn stress and pressure into compassion and productivityis the result of the fact that we cultivate and maintain spacein our minds, our thought processes, so that our awareness can movefreely without getting hung up on a fear or a desire/185 335

      Freedom can be the experience of space within the container ofour lived experience. When our minds, hearts, and psyches are spacious,there is room to function. Functioning out of the space of stillnessis a virtue of freedom: it is a creative act./187 -318

      I am now seventy-eight, and the other night, I was asked thequestion, “Do you still feel useful?” I feel that I am as useful asI have always been. True, I can’t do certain things any longer.That’s fine. As one ages, one has to learn to gracefully surrenderto one’s body. But that has nothing to do with my total, innerfocus and readiness and just being. To be able to listen and todo whatever I can do. And not to judge at all or compare thisand that. We are so imprisoned by what other people think.There is no freedom in that sense. The most wonderful thing isto laugh at myself. Each moment of time is a totality. I feel thatso strongly.9/187 -26

      Comparing and judging take up a tremendous amount of room inmy being. When I am involved in that kind of mental experience,there is no room for appreciation. When I can suspend criticism andjudgment, there is all the room I need in order to see and be/187 167

      FREEDOM AS RESPONSIBILITY/188 -191

      you must learn yourphysical limitations./190 -5

      the handhas a limited function./190 -5

      Understanding our limitations gives us respect for these limitationsand a clear reference point from which to begin our work/190 190

      be responsible not to create sufferingfor others or for myself/191 -235

  • Chapter 11-THE WAY: SELF-CULTIVATION/192 85
    • HAPPINESS/192 312

      Self-cultivation gives a person the possibility of being able to expandhis or her capacity for open and loving behavior under all conditions,including stress and conflict/192 312

      It is the process of refining the awarenessof life in the present moment./192 312

      one of the most destructive phrases in the English languageis “And they lived happily ever after.”/192 312

      this was impossible/192 312

      that not only did love relationships not make me happy, theymade me positively unhappy/192 312

      I felt betrayed and resentful when I realizedthat I had been led to believe that I could be rescued by another/192 312

      The U.S. Declaration of Independence states that a person has theright to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness/193 -79

      How does an individualpursue happiness?/193 -79

      Is it by getting or by giving?/193 -79

      Does freedomimply happiness and happiness imply freedom?/193 -79

      If a person becomesfree from negative feelings, is he or she then free to be happy?/193 49

      Howdoes a person’s relationships and environment affect his or her senseof freedom and happiness?/193 49

      happiness, like wisdom, is alwayspresent for an individual to discover./193 49

      Happiness is sometimes experienced as a sudden awakening, andsometimes it involves stages of growth/194 -148

      moments of happiness are best supported by remembering to returnto the present./194 -148

      OUR INNER TERRAIN/194 273

      DIFFICULTIES AS OPPORTUNITIES/195 108

      Our feelings of unhappiness and discontent are of our own making/195 333

      We have the ability to end our suffering/195 333

      If we can learn to viewdifficulties as opportunities, then whatever appears in our lives is useful.Instead of harshly judging or rejecting our thoughts and feelings,we can recycle them/195 333

      Each situation that arises is an opportunity to practice these abilities./196 -187

      ACCEPTING WHO WE ARE/196 233

      “Winning means winning over the mind of discordin yourself.”1/196 233

      So how is this achieved? It is through self-cultivation,through systematic practice, that a person can discover his or her ownindividual process that will lead that person to the Way./196 233

      INSPIRATION AND COMMITMENT/198 486

      Inspiration and commitment are two important components of personalgrowth/198 519

      Whatever we put our attention on grows. When we grasp thistruth, we can take responsibility for how we live our lives. Our longingfor our true home can be our inspiration./199 -3

      It can help us find, asPaul the Apostle writes in his letter to the Philippians (Phil. 4:7), “thepeace of God, which passeth all understanding.”7 Each moment is awealth of love and of intricate detail, of which we are an intrinsicpart. This is our real home, our freedom, and our birthright of happiness./199 -3

      SERVICE/199 386

      It is hard to talk about service without addressing giving and receiving.To serve is to give. As we give, that which we give moves throughus to the recipient of our giving. If we are taking care of someone andtreat that someone with respect, then we also feel the respect—thesensation of respect—that we are giving, for we cannot give what wedo not have./200 -71

      Furthermore, in order to serve, there has to be something thatreceives that which is given/200 91

      Mother Teresa had many wonderful sayings/201 -42

      The fruit of Silence is PrayerThe fruit of Prayer is FaithThe fruit of Faith is LoveThe fruit of Love is ServiceThe fruit of Service is Peace./201 -42

      LOVE/202 318

      In the world of duality, love has an object or an objective. In theworld of unity, love has no object to which to attach itself. As wemature spiritually, we begin to detach from grasping objects of loveand begin to allow love based on an inner awareness of universalharmony to flow through us unimpeded/202 318

      THE RADIANT ESSENCE/204 -77

      Unity comes from within and without simultaneously, and is expansiveand reflective in its nature. In order to uncover this unity as a referencepoint for our lives, we must trace our experience back andfind the source of the radiance that brings light to the whole universe/204 52

      This happiness is not just an absence of pain. It is inner state ofgrace that radiates no matter how much pain we are in or howdifficult our circumstances are./204 52

      It is a condition beyond the oppositesof pleasure and pain. We can give this to ourselves, but we must bewilling to commit to the path of rediscovering that radiant love thatis at our core./204 52

      Mother Teresa says, “We are called upon not to be successful but tobe faithful.”/205 -15

      She also says,“We do no great things, only small things with great love.”/205 -15

  • Part 3/176
  • Afterword/206
  • Notes/208
  • Appreciations/216
  • About The Author/220
  • From the Publisher/222
  • Index/224

Mindmap-Book: Power of Business Process Improvement

Mindmap-Book: Power of Business Process Improvement

  • CONTENTS/8

    CHAPTER 1: The Roadmap: Learning How to Navigate/16

    • Can You Do It?/20
    • The Journey/21
    • The Ten Simple Steps to Business Process Improvement/23
      • Step 1: Develop the Process Inventory/23
      • Step 2: Establish the Foundation/24
      • Step 3: Draw the Process Map/25
      • Step 4: Estimate Time and Cost/26
      • Step 5: Verify the Process Map/26
      • Step 6: Apply Improvement Techniques/27
      • Step 7: Create Internal Controls, Tools, and Metrics/27
      • Step 8: Test and Rework/28
      • Step 9: Implement the Change/29
      • Step 10: Drive Continuous Improvement/30
    • The Executive Summary/30
    • Case Study/31
    • Chapter Summary/31

    CHAPTER 2: Step 1: Develop the Process Inventory: Identifying and Prioritizing the Process List/33

    • The Process Inventory/34
    • Process Prioritization/38
      • Developing Criteria/38
      • Scale/44
      • Applying Weighting/58
    • Chapter Summary: Step 1/62
    • Time Estimate/63
      • Build the Business Process Inventory/63
      • Sponsor Meeting/64
      • Establish Categories, Criteria, Scale, Weighting/64, 42,
      • Complete the Process Prioritization Table/64, 91,
      • A Second Sponsor Meeting/64
    • What You Have Achieved/65

    CHAPTER 3: Step 2: Establish the Foundation: Avoiding Scope Creep/66

    • The Eight Sections of the Scope Definition Document/69
      • Section 1: Process Name/69
      • Section 2: Process Owner/71
      • Section 3: Description/71
      • Section 4: Scope/79
      • Section 5: Process Responsibilities/81
      • Section 6: Client and Client Needs/82
      • Section 7: Key Stakeholders and Interests/83
      • Section 8: Measurements of Success/86
    • Chapter Summary: Step 2/87
    • Time Estimate/89
      • First Project Team Meeting/89
      • Sponsor Meeting/91
    • What You Have Achieved/91

    CHAPTER 4: Step 3: Draw the Process Map: Flowcharting and Documenting/92

    • Process Map Overview/93
    • Drawing the Process Map/97
      • Box 1/99
      • Box 2/103
      • Box 3/106
      • Boxes 4–7/108
      • The Cross-Functional Process Map/111
      • Continuing the Work from Meeting to Meeting/112
    • Documenting the Process/117
    • Chapter Summary: Step 3/121
    • Time Estimate/121
      • Second Project Team Meeting/123
      • Postmeeting Work/123, 42,
      • Follow-on Project Team Meetings/123
    • What You Have Achieved/124

    CHAPTER 5: Steps 4–5: Estimate Time and Cost and Verify the Process Map: Introducing the Process and Cycle Time and Gaining Buy-In/125

    • Business Process Timing/125
      • Process Time/126
      • Cycle Time/130
    • Process Cost/134
      • People Costs/135
      • Tool Costs/141
      • Overhead Costs/143
    • Putting It All Together/143
    • Alternative Cuts of the Data/144
      • Analyzing the Cost Estimate Columns/146
    • Verify the Process Map/150
      • Process Workers/150
      • Stakeholders/151
      • Sponsor/151
    • Chapter Summary: Steps 4–5/152
    • Time Estimate/153
      • Project Team Meeting/153
      • Postmeeting Work/154
      • Sponsor Meeting/154
      • Verify the Process Map/154, 42,
      • Postvalidation Work/154, 91,
    • What You Have Achieved/155

    CHAPTER 6: Step 6: Apply Improvement Techniques: Challenging Everything/156

    • Eliminate Bureaucracy/158
    • Value Added/162
    • Eliminate Duplication/165
    • Simplification/169
    • Reduce Cycle Time/171
    • Automation/175
    • Chapter Summary: Step 6/179
    • Time Estimate/180
      • Project Team Meeting/180
      • Postmeeting Work/181
    • What You Have Achieved/181

    CHAPTER 7: Step 7: Create Internal Controls, Tools, and Metrics: Making It Real/182

    • Internal Controls/182
    • Tools/188
      • Job Aids/189
      • Custom Email Forms/189
      • Excel Tools/195
    • Metrics/196
    • Chapter Summary: Step 7/201
    • Time Estimate/202
      • Project Team Meeting/202
      • Postmeeting Work/203
      • Project Team Meeting/203, 42,
    • What You Have Achieved/203

    CHAPTER 8: Step 8: Test and Rework: Making Sure It Works/204

    • The Five Steps to Testing the Business Process/207
      • Step 1: Create the Test Plan/208
      • Step 2: Develop the Scenarios/212
      • Step 3: Implement the Test Plan/216
      • Step 4: Summarize Feedback and Rework/218
      • Step 5: Retest/218
    • Chapter Summary: Step 8/219
    • Time Estimate/219
      • Create the Test Plan/220
      • Write Test Scenarios/220, 42,
      • Implement the Test Plan and Rework/220
    • What You Have Achieved/220

    CHAPTER 9: Step 9: Implement the Change: Preparing the Organization/222

    • The Implementation Plan/223
    • Overview of the Three Phases of the Implementation Plan/226
      • The Design Phase/226
      • The Development Phase/227
      • The Implementation Phase/228
    • The Four Tracks in the Implementation Phase/228
      • Change Management Track (Impact Analysis)/228
      • Testing Track/230
      • Communications Track (Communication Plan)/230
      • Training Track (Training Plan)/233
    • Chapter Summary: Step 9/238
      • Time Estimate/239
      • Develop the Implementation Plan/239
      • Develop the Impact Analysis/240
      • Develop the Communication Plan/240
      • Develop the Training Plan/240
      • Gain Sponsor Buy-in/241
    • What You Have Achieved/241, 42,

    CHAPTER 10: Step 10: Drive Continuous Improvement: Embracing the New Mindset/242

    • The Continuous Improvement Cycle/244
      • Evaluate/245
      • Test/250
      • Assess/251
      • Execute/253
    • Continuous Improvement Plan/254
    • Chapter Summary: Step 10/257
    • Time Estimate/258
      • Develop the Continuous Improvement Plan and Schedule/258
      • Gain Sponsor Buy-in/259
      • Test, Assess, Execute/259, 42,
    • What You Have Achieved/259

    CHAPTER 11: Create the Executive Summary: Getting the Recognition/260

    • The Six Sections of the Executive Summary/261
      • Section 1: Project Focus/262
      • Section 2: Goals/264
      • Section 3: Summary/265
      • Section 4: Key Findings/272
      • Section 5: Deliverables/273
      • Section 6: Appendix/274
    • Chapter Summary/274
    • Time Estimate/275
      • Create Analytical Tables/275
      • Write the Executive Summary/276
    • What You Have Achieved/276, 42,

    CHAPTER 12: Case Study: Sharing a Real-World Example/277

    • Background/277
    • Step 1: Develop the Process Inventory/278
    • Step 2: Establish the Foundation/283
    • Step 3: Draw the Process Map/286
    • Step 4: Estimate Time and Cost/298
      • Process Activities and Process Time/299
      • Annual Volume/305
      • FTE Formula/308
      • Employee Costs/310
    • Step 5: Verify the Process Map/310
    • Step 6: Apply Improvement Techniques/311
      • Benchmarking/311
      • A New Approach/317
    • Step 7: Create Internal Controls, Tools, and Metrics/325
      • Internal Controls/325
      • Tools/328
      • Metrics/331
    • Step 8: Test and Rework/333
    • Step 9: Implement Change/336
      • Communication Track/337
      • Training Track/338
      • Change Management Track/338
    • Step 10: Drive Continuous Improvement/338
    • Chapter Summary/343
    • What You Have Achieved/343

Mindmap-Book: Fear Your Strength

Mindmap-Book: Fear Your Strength

  • Introduction
  • 1 Strengths Beget Weaknesses—In Two Very Different Ways/12
  • 2 The Yin-Yang Responsibilities of a Leader
  • 3 Mindset
  • 4 Dialing Back/
  • 5 The Complete Leader
  • Leadership VersatilityIndex Survey
    • Instructions
      • Please rate your performance on the following eight leadership behaviors. Note that this is not the typical rating scale. On a typical scale, a higher score is a better score. On this scale, the best score is a “0,” in the middle of the scale. The premise is that there are two kinds of performance problems: doing too little of something or doing too much of it.

      WARNING:

      • Some people misread this scale. Please do not mistake it for the usual type where a high score is the best score. Use the “too much” side of the scale for items that you take to an extreme—what you do too frequently or with too much intensity. Use the “too little” side for those items that you are deficient on—what you do not do often enough or do with too little intensity.

      Leadership Behaviors Survey:

      • 1.Taking charge—being in control of your unit.
      • 2.Taking the initiative—seizing the opportunity to lead.
      • 3.Empowering your subordinates to run their units—able to let go.
      • 4.Giving your subordinates plenty of room to show initiative.
      • 5.Spending time and energy on long-term planning—future-oriented.
      • 6.Thinking broadly—taking a big-picture perspective.
      • 7.Focusing on getting things done in the short-term—results-oriented.
      • 8.Paying attention to the details—having a finger on the pulse of day-to-day activities.

      Forceful Leadership-taking the lead and pushing for performance

      Enabling Leadership-creating conditions for others to lead and contribute

      Strategic & Operational-positioning the organization for the future

      Operational Leadership-focusing the organization on the short term

      F-E Versatility-the ability to freely draw upon these two opposites, unrestricted by bias in favor of one side and prejudice against the other side. The higher the percentage, the greater your versatility on this important duality

      S-O Versatility-the ability to freely draw upon these twoopposites, unrestricted by bias in favor of one side and prejudice against the other side. The higher the percentage, the greater your versatility on this important duality.

      Forceful & Enabling

      • Takes Charge vs. Empowers
        • 1f. Takes charge–in control of his/her area of responsibility.
        • 1e. Empowers people–able to let go.
        • 2f. Assumes authority–makes it clear that he/she is the leader.
        • 2e. Gives people room to show initiative.
        • 3f. Gives direction–tells people what to do.
        • 3e. Allows his/her people to decide how to do their jobs–hands-off.
        • 4f. Steps in–gets personally involved when problems arise.
        • 4e. Trusts people to handle problems that come up in their area of responsibility.
      • Declares vs. Listens
        • 5f. Decisive–makes up his/her mind quickly.
        • 5e. Participative–includes people in making decisions.
        • 6f. Lets people know clearly where he/she stands on issues–declares him-/herself.
        • 6e. Relies on input from others–cares what they think.
        • 7f. Assertive in making his/her point–speaks up.
        • 7e. Open to influence–can be persuaded to change his/her mind.
        • 8f. Defends his/her position–doesn’t back down easily.
        • 8e. Receptive to push-back–open to having his/her thinking challenged.
      • Pushes vs. Supports
        • 9f. Pushes people hard.
        • 9e. Shows appreciation–tries to make other people feel good about themselves.
        • 10f. Expects a lot from other people.
        • 10e. Nice to people, treats them well.
        • 11f. Direct–tells people when he/she is dissatisfied with their work.
        • 11e. Sensitive–careful not to hurt the other person’s feelings.
        • 12f. Holds people accountable–firm when they don’t deliver
        • 12e. Gives the benefit of the doubt–patient when people are not doing their job well.

      Strategic & Operational

      • Direction vs. Execution
        • 1s. Spends time and energy on long-term planning–future-oriented.
        • 1o. Focused on getting things done in the short term.
        • 2s. Thinks strategically.
        • 2o. Tactical–gets involved in solving day-to-day problems.
        • 3s. Takes a big-picture perspective–thinks broadly.
        • 3o. Pays attention to detail–has a finger on the pulse of day-to-day activities.
        • 4s. Anticipates the need to change direction–looks ahead.
        • 4o. Monitors progress–follows up.
        • 5s. Expansive–aggressive about growth.
        • 5o. Plays it safe–conservative about taking risks.
        • 6s. Ambitious to improve the organization–launches many change initiatives.
        • 6o. Practical about change–careful not to take on too much.
        • 7s. Willing to make bold moves.
        • 7o. Introduces change in small increments.
        • 8s. Jumps on new opportunities–entrepreneurial.
        • 8o. Efficient–careful to conserve time and money.
        • 9s. Questions the status quo–skeptical of established ways of doing things.
        • 9o. Goes by the book–expects people to +0.88 follow standard operating procedures.
        • 10s. Embraces change–willing to do things differently.
        • 10o. Stays with the tried and true–doesn’t fix what isn’t broken.
        • 11s. Open to creative ideas for new products or services.
        • 11o. Organized–takes a methodical approach to getting things done.
        • 12s. Encourages innovation–creates a safe environment for trying new things.
        • 12o. Process-oriented–manages in an orderly way.

MindMap-BookSummary: Executive Function

MindMap-BookSummary: Executive Function

  • Book Information
  • Chapter 1–Problems with the Concept of Executive Functioning
    • Four related problems that currently exist in the concept of EF
      • 1. There is neither a consensus definition of EF nor an explicit operational definition of the term that can simply clearly and efficiently determine which human mental functions can be considered executive in nature and which ones cannot be so classified

        2. How is EF to be assessed?

        3. the lack of a coherent theory of EF

        4. Why EF?

      What Is EF?: The Lack of an Operational Definition

      Executive function is defined as the ability to maintain an appropriate problem-solving set for attainment of a future goal.

      a) an intention to inhibit a response or to defer it to a later more appropriate time

      b) a strategic plan of action sequences

      c) a mental representation of the task including the relevant stimulus information encoded in memory and the desired future goal-state.

      The executive functions consist of those capacities that enable a person to engage successfully in independent purposive self-serving behavior

      Questions about executive functions ask how and whether a person goes about doing something e.g. Will you do it and if so how?)

      Questions about cognitive functions are generally phrased in terms of what or how much e.g. How much do you know? What can you do?)

      EF Four components

      • 1) volition
      • 2) planning
      • 3) purposive action
      • 4) effective performance

      The term “executive functioning” generally refers to the mechanisms by which performance is optimized in situations requiring the operation of a number of cognitive processes

      Executive function is required when effective new plans of action must be formulated and appropriate sequences of responses must be selected and scheduled.

      Executive functions Activities

      problem-solving

      The executive functions are a collection of processes that are responsible for guiding directing and managing cognitive emotional and behavioral functions particularly during active novel problem solving

      The term executive function represents an umbrella construct that includes a collection of inter-related functions that are responsible for purposeful goal-directed problem-solving behavior

      • planning
      • initiation” of activity
      • cognitive estimation
      • prospective memory

      Executive function EF) is an umbrella term that incorporates a collection of inter-related processes responsible for purposeful goal-directed behavior

      Processes associated with EF are numerous but the principal elements include

      • anticipation
      • goal selection
      • planning
      • initiation of activity
      • self-regulation
      • mental flexibility
      • deployment of attention
      • utilization of feedback

      Executive functions refer to a collection of interrelated cognitive and behavioral skills that are responsible for purposeful goal-directed activity and include the highest level of human functioning such as

      • intellect
      • thought
      • self-control
      • social interaction

      Executive functions comprise a family of cognitive control processes that operate on lower-level processes to regulate and shape behavior.

      EF involves developing and implementing an approach to performing a task that is not habitually performed

      The early development of skills that support EF includes the ability to maintain problem-solving set for attainment of future goal

      • encompasses an individual’s ability to inhibit actions
      • restrain and delay responses
      • attend selectivity
      • self-regulate
      • problem solve
      • be flexible
      • set goals
      • plan
      • shift set

      Executive functioning has been defined as a set of regulatory processes necessary for

      • selecting
      • initiating
      • implementing
      • overseeing thought
      • emotion
      • behavior
      • certain facets of motor and sensory functions

      Executive function can be thought of as the set of abilities required to effort fully

      Guide behavior toward a goal especially in non routine situations

      Various functions are thought to fall under the rubric of executive function

      • include prioritizing and sequencing behavior
      • inhibiting familiar and stereotyped behaviors
      • creating and maintaining an idea of what task or information is most relevant for current purposes
      • providing resistance to information that is distracting or task irrelevant
      • switching behavior task goals
      • utilizing relevant information in support of decision making
      • categorizing or otherwise abstracting common elements across items
      • handling novel information or situations

      Why is maintaining an appropriate problem-solving set toward a future goal considered to be the essential nature of EF?

      Wouldn’t it be more precise and simpler to just make these three components part of the definition of EF itself?

      EF is the inhibition of a response or its deferral to a more appropriate time so as

      • 1. develop a mental representation of the task and desired future goal
      • 2. develop a strategic plan of actions and sequences to attain it
      • 3. maintain an appropriate problem solving set toward that future goal

      Why is it that detecting and responding to an X on a computer screen while inhibiting a response to an O is an executive function test while reading an X when it appears is not?

      Why is stating the color of ink in which a color word i.e. “red”) is printed considered an executive function but reading the actual printed word is not?

      Why is pointing to a location where a picture or geometric design appeared in a matrix after it has disappeared for a few seconds an indication of EF while pointing to the same design in the matrix while it is still present is not an EF?

      Why is sorting cards into categories based on your own sorting rule not an EF while sorting them so as to discover an examiner’s undis sorting rule is considered an EF?

      Six components of EF

      • self-regulation
      • sequencing of behavior
      • flexibility
      • response inhibition
      • planning
      • organization of behavior

      Not EF

      • visual–spatial perception
      • speech and language
      • emotion
      • motor speed and coordination

      How Is EF Assessed?: The Poor Ecological Validity of Psychometric Tests of EF

      The following current situation in this field represents this error

      • The PFC is the “executive” brain
      • ADHD is a disorder arising largely from structural and functional abnormalities in the PFC
      • ADHD is largely not a disorder of EF

      How Does EF Work?: The Limitations of Current Cognitive Models of EF

      The Disparity between Models of EF and Deficits in Patients with PFC Disorders

      A Sampling of Theories of PFC EF) Functioning –

      1. Stuss and Benson’s Hierarchical Model of EF –

      • Executive control functions called into action in non routine or novel situations provide conscious direction to the functional systems for efficient processing of information

        The executive function represents many of the important activities that are almost universally attributed to the frontal lobes which become active in non routine novel situations that require new solutions

        These behavioral characteristics have been described by many authors and include at least the following: anticipation goal selection pre planning means-end establishment) monitoring and use of feedback if–then statements)

        EF refers to four components

        • anticipation
        • goal selection
        • pre planning
        • monitoring
        • Sequencing

        is said to be involved in organizing and maintaining bits of information into meaningful sequences such as in the temporal integration and sequencing of behavior

        Non executive posterior basal functional systems

        • attention
        • alertness
        • visual–spatial
        • autonomic emotional
        • memory
        • sensory perception
        • language
        • motor
        • cognition

      2. Fuster’s Theory of Cross-Temporal Organization –

      Three PFC components

      • 1) working memory which is a temporally retrospective function;

        2) anticipatory set planning) which is a temporally prospective function

        3) interference control a form of attention that involves resistance to distraction) which inhibits the disruption of goal-directed behavior by events or behavior that are irrelevant to or incompatible with the goal

      purpose of these three EF components

      • “the cross-temporal organization of behavior

        achieved by a temporal synthesis or integration that represents the “formation of temporal structures of behavior with a unifying purpose or goal—in other words the structuring of goal-directed behavior

        includes in his concept of EF the self-regulation of motivational emotional and other drive states in the service of goal-directed behavior

      Model of PFC EF

      • need to appreciate that goal-directed actions often involve significant delays among events E)

        responses R)

        goals and their attendant consequences G C).

        done by mentally representing the E-RG C arrangement

        Goal-directed behavior is achieved through the guidance of behavior by these internal representations

        representations arise from his three components

      3. Duncan’s Theory of Goal Neglect

      • a. human behavior is organized around a list of goals and sub goals against which individuals are comparing their ongoing behavior to maintain behavior directed at these goals

        b. Frontal lobe damage results in an inability to retain these goals in mind and thus greater disorganization of behavior

        Information-Processing Theory of EF

        EF as a set of three components

        • problem solving
        • task analysis essentially defining the problem)
        • strategy selection and revision
        • strategy monitoring

        three components of cognition:

        • cognition
        • metacognition
        • executive functioning

        Cognition

        • Cognition is all the knowledge and strategies that exist in long-term memory; this reservoirof information is critical to effective problem solving. The metacognitive levelis aware of this lower level and contains models of the various cognitive processesas well as an understanding of how knowledge and strategies interconnect. Executivefunctioning coordinates these two levels of cognition by monitoring and controllingthe use of the knowledge and strategies in concordance with the metacognitive level

        IDEAL problem solver

        • 1) identify an important problem tobe solved
        • 2) define the subgoals involved in solving the problem
        • 3) explorethe possible approaches to the problem select a potential set of strategies)
        • 4) anticipate potential outcomes before acting on the best initial approach
        • 5) look back and learn from the entire problem-solving experience

        planning

        planning and problem solving may be synonymous terms althoughplanning seems to also include a longer-term future consideration than mightproblem solving which can be applied to much more near-term problems

      4. Hayes Behavioral Theory of EF as Rule-Governed Behavior

      EF tasks place people in situations wherepreviously learned sources of behavioral regulation come into conflict with ruleslaid down by the task and examiner

      Those task-specific rules are competingwith behavior that is otherwise automatic and well practiced

      the typicalautomatic flow of behavior must be interrupted and delayed long enough forthe person to discover a new rule or select among previously learned rulesthat may apply in this situation

      interrupting a well-practiced behavior itselfoften requires that a rule be selected and followed that is initiating the delay inresponding

      EF tasks individuals often have to implement a rule toinhibit their usual ongoing responding even if it is just asking them a questionabout the task

      They must then either select from among a set of relevantpreviously learned rules or generate a new one

      augmenting is also neededwhere verbal self-reinforcement 3 –

      is also used formotivation as in phrases such as “good boy ” or self-statements of being rightor being good in following the rule 3 –

      Sings of PFC injuries or disorders

      • devastating behavioral
      • social deficit
      • emotional deficit
      • economic deficit
      • occupational deficit
      • moral deficits deficit

      Example

      how are we to see any connection between how patients performa digit span backward N-back serial addition or other task ofverbal working memory and their economic life in their natural settings?

      Humans daily engage in reciprocal exchange and must frequently andrapidly evaluate the costs-benefits to them of doing so as each party tothe transaction goes about pursuing their actions toward their futuregoals no matter whether the exchange involves money goods or services

      This is the field of economics broadly defined. Yet where does thiswidespread human goal-directed activity ever enter into modern viewsof EF?

      fundamental basis of morality

      awareness of one’s self over time in relation to others and the future consequencesof one’s actions toward others and of others’ toward one’s self

      This daily intersection of each human’s goal-directed activities amongthose of other goal-directed humans requires rules ethics) for makingsuch activities run as smoothly and peaceably as possible

      Four factors-EF Tasks

      • 1. flexibility perseveration or set shifting)
      • 2. perceptual–motorspeed probably not an EF)
      • 3. verbal working memory
      • 4. time estimation

      Four-factor model of EF

      • 1) attentional control includesinhibition)

        2) information processing fluency efficiency and speed ofoutput)

        3) cognitive flexibility shift response sets learn from mistakes devise alternative strategies divide attention process multiple sources ofinformation concurrently);

        4) goal setting develop new initiativesand concepts plan actions in advance approach tasks in an efficient andstrategic manner)

      The Missing Linkage between EF and Social Functioning

      social intelligence

      • the capacity to respond to appropriate social patterns to regulate social life and to integrate adequately and successfully with others

      As one of its major functions the frontal lobe bears responsibility foradministering the code by which the patterns of social behavior are putinto operation and by which the individual integrates and regulates its conductin respect of that of other individuals. We postulated that there is aspecial form of social intelligence by which the organism maintains therunning changing stream of social relationships and that the frontal lobesbear important if not unique responsibility for this

      Social Executors

      • 1) social self-regulation: processes needed tomanage the initiation rate intensity and duration of social interactions

        2) social self-awareness: knowledge and insight about oneself and theimpact of one’s behavior on others in social settings

        3) social sensitivity:the ability to understand another’s perspective point of view oremotional state similar to empathy)

        4) social salience: regulationof somatic and emotional states that impart a sense of meaningfulnessto social situations and to specific individuals within that situation

      The Overlooked Importance of Emotion and Motivation in EF

      The neglect of emotion may also stem from the inherently greaterdifficulty in measuring emotional and motivational states relative to theenormous number of tests available for assessing the more “cognitive”features of EF such as working memory

      Emotions are motivationalstates that undoubtedly play an important role in evaluating and determiningone’s means actions) and ends goals) and their social appropriateness

      They will also contribute the drive willpower or self-motivation that will be needed to achieve them –

      The supposedly “cool” EF brainnetworks such as working memory planning problem solving andforesight may provide for the “what where and when” of goal-directedaction but it is the “hot” EF brain network –

      provides the “why” or basis for choosing topursue that goal in the first place and the motivation that will be neededto get there –

      The Limitations of the Computer Metaphor of BrainFunctioning for EF

      Using the computeras a metaphor for brain functioning has undoubtedly been of value inefforts to advance the understanding of neural circuitry and its likelyfunctions. But it has its limits for brains

      First computers are designed whereashuman brains evolved; hence the architecture and functioning of eachare likely to be quite different.

      Engineers designing computers candetermine the most efficient and effective designs for both hardwareand software to achieve the intended purposes to which computers areused.

      Natural selection acting on brains has no such plans and foresightto use in its sculpting of the brain. Consequently a computer maybe a marvel of efficient design. But a brain is a veritable Rube Goldbergdevice of adaptations cobbled together from what had been availablefor other functions previously but that may be diverted to another functionunder a change in environmental pressure a new adaptive problem)

      A second major distinction between computers and brains is thatcomputers are passive whereas human brains are not –

      The computermetaphor portrays the brain as if it were software and hardware; givena certain input this “computer” moves the information through variousstages of processing to produce the output that we see virtually automatically like an automaton industrial robot or artificial intelligence creation. –

      The computermetaphor portrays the brain as if it were software and hardware; givena certain input this “computer” moves the information through variousstages of processing to produce the output that we see virtually automatically like an automaton industrial robot or artificial intelligence creation.This is a very passive view of the organism devoid of what makesliving things unique—they are self-interested agents! They have basicmotives preinstalled that serve to sustain their own life appetitive anddefensive protective motives) and to reproduce that is to transmit theirgenes) into the next generation sexuality and competition for mates) –

      This blindness to self-interestedness and its motives is a glaring deficiencyin contemporary EF models. A computer is not a self-interested self-motivating self-regulating entity; a human brain is

      The Installation of a “Central Executive” or Homunculus in EF:The Ghost in the Machine

      The Missing “Self” in EF –

      • The conscious self IS the central executive

        Each of us develops a conscious senseof self and it is this conscious self that is serving as the executive

        It isthrough our self-awareness self-consciousness that our values and wantsare consciously known to us our goals values or what we wish to pursue)are chosen by us and the strategies that we will employ in thesepursuits are selected by us

        Who chooses? I do

        What is to be valued andpursued?

        What I choose to do

        How is it to be pursued?

        The way I decideto do so

        Freedom here does not mean random or uncorrelated decision makingbetween values goals) and their means–ends

        Freedom or free willis a conscious generation of and consideration of the variety of optionsavailable to that individual over the longer term as capable of being conceivedby the individual

        It also includes the selection of which goals topursue how to pursue them and when to do so

      Overlooking the Bidirectional Influence of EF and Culture

      People both createand adopt culture. Yet it is equally true that the existing cultureinfluences the people who are immersed within and who actively adoptit.

      Why EF?: The Importance of Evolutionin the Origins and Purposes of EF

      The species that have a proto-EF system also engage to a certainextent in imitation learning a form of experiential or behavioral plagiarism).

      In humans in particular there is a dominantor prepotent response to overtly imitate another’s actions and itmust be actively inhibited from being publicly expressed—the neuronalfiring patterns that match the actions being watched are activated buttheir release to the musculoskeletal system is inhibited.

      The capacity to use the witnessing of another’s experiences for one’sown self-improvement is a tremendously useful adaptation among socialspecies in which members compete against each other for resources

      Humans also take imitation to an even higher level which is vicariouslylearning to do the opposite of what one has seen another do.

      Vicarious learning is a particularly useful adaptation when it comes to learningfrom the mistakes made by others some of which can be injurious or evenlethal. It is self-evident that more learning occurs in response to errorsthan to successes.

      Conclusions and Specific Aims

      • 1. the term “EF” lacks an operationaldefinition that can serve to determine which human mental facultiesshould be graced with the moniker “executive” and which shouldnot

        2. current theories of EF have driftedaway from capturing the characteristics of patients with PFC injuries ordisorders of this “executive” brain including their marked problems in emotional social economic and moral domains among others. Cognitive psychometrically based models of EF are common at this time

        3. characterizing modern models of EF

        4. evolutionary stance toward EF as an adaptation or suite ofadaptations necessary for solving problems that arose in human sociallife

      major concepts

      selfish gene theory

      whichexplains why all living things are at their core self-interested replicators

      To understand EF we will have to take the individual’s self-interests intoaccount.

      What does EF do for the survival and reproductive and inclusivefitness of its owner?

      Humans not only adapt to their environments as do others species but they adapt their environments to them—and they do it using EF. Such alterations to the environment can be studied for their value as part of the human EF phenotype

      phenotype

      Phenotypic traits have effectsthat impact not just the immediate spatial and temporal environment butthat also radiate outward from the organism

      These effects may extendfar beyond the proximal physical distance and short durations typicallyconsidered in the notion of a phenotype

      endopheno

      those psychological functions that seemclosest to the brain’s neural activity and so are closest to the genes andtheir proteins that serve as initial and intermediate pathways respectively to the EF behavioral phenotype

      human mental functions

      • dailyfunctioning
      • social relations
      • cooperative ventures
      • economic transactions
      • moral
      • legal
      • occupational
      • child-rearing
      • community activities

      extended phenotype

  • Chapter 2–The Extended Phenotype: A Foundation for Modeling Executive Functioning
    • The Conventional View of the Phenotype
    • From Genes to Proteins to Structures Functions
    • human’s phenotype
      • hair
      • skin
      • eye color
      • shape of the face
      • texture of theskin and hair
      • configuration of the teeth
      • he forward-facing placementof the eyes
      • height
      • body mass
      • upright posture
      • bipedal gait
      • structureof the appendages
      • opposable fingers and thumb
    • genes ? proteins and enzymes ? structures and their functions
    • The Steps in the Evolution Algorithm
      • 1. A storage device
        • There must be a reliable storage device or memorybase that is some means by which information can be reliably stored andaccessed
      • 2. A means of information encoding.
        • There must be a reliable meansby which information can be coded into the storage device. In the case ofbiological evolution this is just four little bits of information called nucleicacids which here we can simply call A G C T.
      • 3. A means of replication copying trials).
        • At its core the very essenceof life is self-replication—making a copy of the initial information. Forevolution to occur there must be some means by which the informationis copied replicated).
      • 4. Good but imperfect fidelity of copying).
        • Replication must createa highly similar copy from its original
      • 5. Mistakes mutations) must be made
        • While this restates the abovepoint that mistakes occur in the copying process the emphasis here is thatthere can be no evolution if the copying is perfect every time
      • 6. A specific environment exists
        • For information to exist it must existsomewhere. That “where” is material reality. It is often called the environment which just means a local region of reality.
      • 7. A selecting feature an effect) of that environment
        • Some aspectof the environment has to effect the likelihood that copies will surviveor be destroyed in that environment.
      • 8. Environmental change.
        • When something happens it could be nearlyanything) that changes the selecting feature of the particular environment

          levels beyond the genetic

          • 1. Operant conditioning
            • learning in animals for instance created a second level of evolutionthat occurs within individuals and allows a more rapid adaptation tothe environment and its changes than could occur at the genetic levelalone
          • 2. Vicarious learning
            • individuals no longer learnedjust by trial and error but could more rapidly adapt their behavior to theenvironment through observational learning

              Vicariouslearners are far more adaptive and hence dynamic

              They can adapt morequickly because they benefit from everyone else’s trial-and-error learning not just their own

              Vicarious learning provides another mechanismfor the accumulation and replication of information

          • 3. Mimetic–ideational
            • When modern humans evolved a capacityfor mental representations the ideational simulation of behavior couldcommence. The person could now test out mental representations ofbehavioral trials more rapidly imagine consequences and even generatenew behavioral mutations potential innovations) of those trials privately or cognitively).

              A new form of trial-and-error learning came intoexistence with this evolutionary level—one in which our ideas could die in our place

              This allows humans to adapt their behavior to the environmentand its changes far faster than can occur just by a vicarious learner—indeed far faster than any known species

              The vicarious learner has to wait for some innovationin trial-and-error learning to occur before it can be plagiarized by theimitator

              The human ideational learner can mentally simulate trials anderrors and even mutate representations and behavioral plans to generatemore grist for mental evolution

              Human mental trial-and-error simulation innovation or creativity) both at the ideational and symbolic levelshas created an opportunity for exceptionally rapid adaptation to environmentalchanges and problems that exceeds any other species

          • 4. Gestural communication
            • It has been argued that an early formof communication in humans in their history of evolution was initiallygestural

              This form of communication through movementwas believed to be founded on the mimetic–ideational level above inwhich individuals use mental images to repeatedly initiate behaviors forthe sake of rehearsal and improvement

              Through such overt rehearsals others who are watching them might have some understanding of whatthe individual is attempting to practice and why they are practicing it; thisgives rise to gestures as one means of communication

              Both the rehearserand observer can understand what is being communicated. In modernhumans such gestural communication is often retained despite loss ofsymbolic linguistic communication aphasias) such as following a strokeor head injury; this suggests that it arises from different mental mechanismsand neurological networks than those that permit language

          • 5. Symbolic–linguistic
            • The evolution of language and the ruleguidedbehavior it permits is another level of informational evolutionthat buttresses and even supplants the transmission of information acrossindividuals by observational learning

              One therefore finds a human phenotypethat can even more rapidly adapt its behavior to the environment a large part of which is social.

              It is the existence of the social environmentand its rapid changes that likely led to the need selection pressure) for the development of the observational communicative gestural and linguistic) and mental cognitive ideational and symbolic) levels of evolution

          • 6. Cultural–artifactual
            • The invention of external storage devicesfor information acquired through language ideation and observationpermits another level of culture—the sharing of previously acquiredknowledge and inventions

              These archival artifacts records products objects tools etc.) can be transmitted horizontally to others and verticallyacross subsequent generations

              Using the ever-evolving culture each new generation has the opportunity to reach a higher quality of lifeand adaptive success than was possible for the previous generation. Inits entirety culture is shared behavioral gestural symbolic linguistic and recorded information.

              Even its recorded format evolves and providesyet again another degree of freedom from the level of genetic evolution despite the fact that the capacity for culture arose out of genetic variation

              The environmental scaffolding provided by culture is itself highlydynamic and its own form of evolution. Current culture is the beneficiaryof earlier levels of cultural scaffolding on which it now perches.When studied in detail the evolution of cultural information proceedsby small stages and steps ratcheting)

              This is self-evident in any review of the historical stages of anycultural device or practice such as the building of cars planes and thelike and even that of the principles adopted for organizing entire societies such as civil and property rights

              Laid out in historical sequence thegradual evolution of a device actually information represented by suchdevices) method or principle is unmistakable. Over time huge changesappear to arise from prior gradual improvements retained useful mutations)

      • In Whose Interest Is the Human Extended Phenotype?
        • Situations in which individuals behave solely for the good of others thegroup) are unstable because they are prone to invasion by cheaters andfree riders who contribute less or nothing while benefiting from others’altruistic actions

          All cooperative ventures among living organismsexist and are stabilized by the mutual self-interests of the participantsand the fact that each derives more benefit from the cooperative venturethan they could achieve alone –

          boost in self-benefit from thecooperative venture nearly always involves the eventual division of labor that is specialization. –

          The division of labor both boosts self-benefits andbinds each to the other in mutual self-support –

      • Conclusions
        • The field of psychology the study of the behavior of organisms) is asubspecialty of the science of biology the study of organisms) and thisis especially so for the field of neuropsychology the study of brain–behavior relationships)

          Evolution is the governing paradigm of biology.It is therefore also a governing paradigm or should be in neuropsychology

          To neglect or forsake evolution and these concepts is towall off neuropsychology from its most powerful source of understandingbrain–behavior relationships and for generating hypotheses aboutthem

  • Chapter 3–Executive Functioning as an Extended Phenotype
    • A More Precise Definition of EF
      • the definition of EF as self-regulation SR).

        eachcomponent of EF is a specific type of SR—a form of self-directed actionaimed at modifying one’s behavior so as to make a future goal end or outcome more or less likely to occur

        EFcan therefore be initially defined as those self-directed actions neededto choose goals and to create enact and sustain actions toward thosegoals or more simply as self-regulation to achieve goals:

        EF = SR

        EF is a means for goal-directed action it is necessary to next define the terms “goals” and “means. –

      Defining Goals and Means

      Goals

      • Goals are states that result in a decreasein dissatisfaction or unease for an individual relative to the present state

        Future states that result in a decline in unease an increasein satisfaction happiness or welfare) are states we value; they are desiresand wants that we seek to attain fulfill and retain

        The course s) of action that must be pursued to attain the goal arethe means to that end

      Means

      • A means is what serves to the attainment of any end goal or aim.

        Meansare not in the given universe; in this universe there exist only things

        Athing becomes a means when human reason employs it for the attainmentof some end and human action really employs it for that purpose

        Thinkingman sees the serviceableness of things i.e. their ability to minister to ends and acting man makes them means

        It is of primary importance to realizethat parts of the external world become means only through the operationof the human mind and its offshoot human action

        External objects are assuch only phenomena of the physical universe and the subject matter of thenatural sciences.

        It is human meaning and action which transform theminto means. .

      Goals or values

      • Goals or values are said to have utility
      • use-value in reducing statesof dissatisfaction or unease.

      Two types of utility or use-value

      1. Subjective

      • The subjective utility of a goal isstrictly personal.

        It is the degree to which the goal is perceived by thatindividual to reduce or alleviate that individual’s state of dissatisfaction

        That degree is its subjective value to that individual

        Only that individual presented with a given context and with any local constraints on choices contained in that situation can make the determination of utility or value.

        Only the individual can determine what is “good” topursue or what is in his or her own longer-term welfare and so computethe subjective use-value of the goal

      2. Objective

      • The objective utility of a goal is simply the relation between a thing object or product and the effect it has the capacity to bring about

        Science may permit the means by which to calculate those effects as in degrees of temperature units of energy expended calories) and the like

        But this utility or use-value should not be confused with the former subjectiveone

        Humans do not base judgments of value entirely or evenpartly on the objective use value of a goal or the means to attain it.

      Example

      • An action for example that raises or lowers the room temperature in my home by adjusting the thermostat by even degrees may be of little or no subjective use value to me but of great current value to my wife even though it is the same objective use value—the action alters room temperature by degrees

        Two people given the same information as to the objective use-value of certain means will not necessarily choose the same means or pursue the same ends

      That is because no one can judge what another person’s subjective state of dissatisfaction is relative to afuture state of greater happiness and whether it’s worth the pursuit

      This makes plain why no individual collective or government can or should make decisions concerning “the common good” because there is no such thing as a common good

      There is only individual good value or happiness and only individuals can decide what that use-value is to them.

      It is via EF SR that individuals engage in this process ofevaluating ends and means and the subjective use-value of these for theirown welfare.

      it is subjective use-value that drives the goaldirectedactions of an individual not objective use-value

      Attempting to understand the choices and actions that individuals make solely by manipulating various parameters of objective use-value will never givea full account of those choices and actions.

      there is a large measure of unpredictability to the choices and actions of others

      each individual must take this variability into account in living among and dealing with other people

      An Overview of the EF Extended Phenotype

      The Extended Phenotype of EF

      Pre-Executive Level

      • 1. CNS functions
        • Routine primary neuropsychological functions for example attention memory spatial and motor functions primary emotions and motivations –
      • 2. Behavior –
        • Automatic activity; operant conditioning

      Executive Functioning Levels

      1. Instrumental–Self-Directed Level

      • Instrumental–Self-Directed Level internalized mental processes: self-regulation)
      • Self-directed attention–self-awareness
      • Self-restraint inhibition)
      • Self-directed sensory–motor action nonverbal working memory; imagination)
      • Self-directed private speech verbal working memory; verbal thought)
      • Self-directed appraisal emotion–motivation)
      • Self-directed play innovation problem solving)

      2. Methodical–Self-Reliant Level self-directed actions)

      • Use of methods to attain near-term goals
      • Self-management across time
      • Self-organization and problem solving
      • Self-restraint
      • Self-motivation
      • Self-regulation of emotions
      • Social independence social predation or parasitism and social self-defense

      3. Tactical–Reciprocal Level social behaviors)

      • Use of tactics—nested sets of methods—to attain midterm goals
      • Daily social exchange sharing turn-taking reciprocity etc.)
      • Group living lower proportion of individual dispersal)
      • Beginning of economic behavior trading)
      • Social interdependence using others to attain goals)

      4. Strategic–Cooperative Level

      • Use of strategies—nested sets of tactics—to achieve longer-term goals
      • Arrangement of social cooperatives with division of labor
      • Acting in unison to achieve common ends and shared benefits
      • Origin of larger settlements further decreases in individual dispersal)
      • Stage II: Principled–Mutualistic
        • Use of principles—nested sets of strategies—to achieve long-term goals

          Pursuit of long-term self-interests by putting others’ long-term self-interestsahead of one’s own near-term and midterm self-interests

          Preference for larger delayed over smaller immediate consequences

          Origin of colonies cities city-states states and countries

      Pre-Executive Levels –

      Five levels Phenotype

      central nervous system CNS ) relevant genes

      CNS proteins and enzymes

      CNS structures

      CNS functions

      overt behavior

      CNS pre-executive functions

      CNS functions and behavior are automatic

      1. The Instrumental–Self-Directed Level

      • Executive functioning first emerges at this level and zone) of the phenotype.

        Six of the many psychological functions that exist at the preexecutivelevel become self-directed to form the initial level of EF.

        Theseactions create a conscious mental life for the individual and are as follows:

        attention

        self-awareness

        inhibition or self-restraint

        self-directedsensory–motor actions progressing on to mental simulation)

        self-speech progressing onward to verbal thought)

        self-appraisal evaluation)

        self-play

        These “actions” may be overt behaviors early in development but they become self-directed and internalized thus becoming primarilycovert mental activities later in development

        They are forms of selfregulationthat work in the service of goal-attainment

        An instrumental EF is “instrumental” in that it helps to attain the goal but does not do soby itself. Instrumental EFs are “self-directed” because they are appliedonly to oneself.

        CNS pre-executive functions ? executive self-regulatory) functions

      2. The Methodical–Self-Reliant Level

      • This level is concerned with overt goal-directed actions and behavior

        Amethod is a short chain of actions that achieve a given goal much likethe steps of a recipe.

        No single action in the sequence accomplishes thegoal but together as a sequence the actions accomplish the goal. Sucha goal is often near-term necessitating short chains of actions to attainit.

        A method is more complex than a single action or gesture becauseit is built up from such simpler actions.

        The methodical level is “selfreliant”because the individual’s goals tend to be focused on growingindependence from and self-defense against others

        It also includes acapacity for social predation—the use of others in a parasitic way forone’s own ends that are not mutually beneficial and against which otherswill employ forms of self-defense.

        CNS pre-executive functions ? executive self-regulatory) functions ?executive self-regulatory) adaptive behavior ? self-organizationof environmental arrangements products artifacts)

      3. The Tactical–Reciprocal Level

      • This level and the one that follows represent the social symbiotic levelsof EF

        At the Tactical–Reciprocal level and zone relationships with others are no longer those of social parasitism predation and self-defense against others’ parasitism

        others now become means for attaining goalsthat are mutually beneficial—socially symbiotic

        The term “tactical” isused to mean sets of methods clustered together to comprise longerchainaction sequences that achieve a higher order longer-term goal.Each method within a “tactic” achieves a necessary subgoal

        The term“tactical” is also used in its traditional social meaning of an adjustmentin one’s actions relative to the actions or anticipated actions of others asin a military engagement.

        the tactical level is also associatedwith initial types of social relationships in which a person uses anotherin a mutually beneficial way to assist with achievement of personal goals as in reciprocity exchange and mutual sharing

        this level isalso titled “reciprocal.”

        CNS pre-executive functions ? executive self-regulatory) functions ?executive self-regulatory) adaptive behavior ? self-organizationof environmental arrangements products artifacts) ? self-organizingof social arrangements involving symbiotic reciprocal exchanges with others

      4. The Strategic–Cooperative Level

      The term “strategic” or strategy refers to a set or sets of tactics thatare now hierarchically organized into much longer sequences of actionsextended over longer time periods to attain much later goals than onewas capable of doing at the previous level of the EF extended phenotype.In other words methods are nested under tactics that are nested understrategies that can eventually attain goals at a considerable distance intime

      The second social meaning of “strategic” is also applicable. It refersto a set of social tactics one is using within a larger social network overa longer time frame than would be seen at the tactical level. The strategiclevel thus refers to a higher order of social engagement for the purposeof attaining personal goals such as participating in “cooperative” activitiesto attain goals that no individual could achieve alone

      Here the term“cooperative” does not mean simply going along or getting along withothers in its most general sense. It means acting in unison or as a unitywith others to achieve goals that cannot be achieved alone or throughmere reciprocity exchange).

      The individual becomes part of a larger unitor cooperative. Hence the social term “cooperative” is also used for thislevel.

      CNS pre-executive functions ? CNS executive self-regulatory) functions ?executive self-regulatory) adaptive behavior ? self-organizationof environmental arrangements products artifacts) ? self-organizingof social arrangements for reciprocal exchanges with others ?social arrangements for cooperative ventures with others

      Eight Emerging DevelopmentalCapacities Arising from EF

      • 1. Spatial Capacity
        • This refers to the spatial distance over which the individual is contemplatinga goal and the necessary means to attain it.

          It can be indexed byidentifying the increasing outward spread of the effects of self-directed actions

          From their initial range at proximal space they spread intomore distant destinations in physical and eventually social) environments. –

          One effect of this cognitive capacity by which it can be indexed)is that individuals come to purposefully rearrange or organize their surroundingphysical environment to assist in goal attainment—a radius ofenvironmental self-organization that grows in scope with development –

      • 2. Temporal Capacity
        • This reflects how far into the future the individual is capable of contemplatinga goal.

          Also called a time horizon it is evident in the span oftime between a likely future event i.e. a deadline) and the individualbeginning to prepare for the event.

          Metaphorically it reflects a mentalwindow on time that opens increasingly wider with maturation of thePFC

          Initially it comprises only minutes then hours then days weeks and finally months and years.

          A capacity for reckoning thetime needed to traverse space and attain the goal will be important inactions across spatial distances. Eventually so will be a sense of timingand timeliness of such actions.

      • 3. Motivational Capacity
        • This arises out of the previous two capacities especially the temporalone.

          It can be distinguished by the fact that this capacity reflects a “hot”appraisal of that future while the spatial and temporal capacities aboveare comprised of “cold” cognitive parameters or purely information

          Itcan be thought of as a motivational time horizon as it reflects the personalvaluation of a delayed consequence future goal or outcome thatthe individual is contemplating.

          It is often evident in complex emotional–motivational–arousal responses feelings) of individuals concerning thegoals they are contemplating.

          The more highly valued or preferred theconsequences the more willing individuals are to increase the time delayand the spatial distances needed to attain that goal

          The temporal aspectof this motivational parameter is represented in the concept from behavioranalysis of temporal or reward discounting—the fact that individualsincreasingly discount the value of a consequence by the degree of time delay for that consequence

      • 4. Inhibitory Capacity
        • This concerns the extent to which and the duration over which individualsmust inhibit their responses to prepotent events restrain theiractions and otherwise subordinate their immediate interests for the sakeof the goal

          Eventually such actions will also come to be subordinatedto any interests of others with whom the individual is attempting toreciprocate or cooperate to attain a goal

      • 5. Conceptual Abstract Capacity
        • This reflects the degree of abstractness of any rules that are being consideredand followed to attain the goal

          It ranges from the most simple specific and concrete level of rules to the most abstract general conceptual and complex principles. It can be illustrated by contrastingsimple self-directed rules such as “stop” or “wait” to highly conceptualrules such as “do unto others as you would have them do unto you” orone that states that “all individuals should be presumed innocent untilproven guilty.”

      • 6. Behavioral–Structural Capacity
        • This is essentially the motor consequences of the other dimensions andindicates the degree of behavioral complexity and hierarchical structuring of the actions needed to bridge the time period and distance between the moment and the contemplated goal
      • 7. Social Capacity
        • This refers to the number of other individuals and eventually social networks)with which the individual must interact reciprocate and cooperateso as to effectively attain the goal being contemplated
      • 8. Cultural Capacity
        • This last capacity refers to the degree of cultural information and devices methods inventions products etc.) or scaffolding that the individual isadopting to attain the goal under contemplation.

      The first three capacities above—spatial temporal and motivational—are likely the most fundamental to the development of EF. Theygenerate the capacity for a sense of the self a sense of one’s current state and a conscious sense of the hypothetical future—an ability to imaginegoals ever more distant in time and space and to contemplate the actionplans needed to attain them.

      Vicarious Learning and Innovation as Parts of EF’sExtended Phenotype

      The Pre-Executive Levels and Zones

      neuropsychological functions

      • attention
      • alertness
      • visual–spatial performance
      • autonomic–emotional actions
      • memory
      • sensory–perceptual functions
      • language
      • motor abilities

      fourstages

      • situation
      • attention
      • appraisal
      • response

      Characterization of the eight developmental capacities

      • The spatial distanceover which the individual is pursuing goals is quite proximal to them

        The temporal distance or time horizon they are consciously employing if they are conscious of it at all is very near and characterized as “thenow.”

        Themotivational horizon is therefore very near. In economic terms the timepreference is very high; temporal discounting is quite steep. The individual’sbehavior is focused on those goals rewards or consequencesthat are very proximal in time.

        The degree of inhibition or self-restraintavailable at this level and required for attaining proximal goals is minimal.

        The behavioral complexity needed to achieve those outcomes israther simple and so of relatively short duration and of little complexity the number of nested sets of subgoal means and ends that must becombined to attain the goal is minimal or nonexistent).

        The level of conceptualizationor abstractness of the rules that are being used to pursuea goal is nonexistent.

        The social involvement and complexity being usedto pursue goals is minimal or nonexistent.

  • Chapter 4–The Instrumental–Self-Directed Level
    • six self-directed actions
      • attention
      • inhibition
      • sensory–motoraction
      • speech
      • appraisal emotion and motivation)
      • play
      • self-regulation SR)
      • 1) an action directed at the self
      • 2) so as to modify a subsequent behavior from what it would otherwise have been

      EF in Six Self-Directed Acts 1

      • 1. Self-Directed Attention–Self-Awareness
        • Self-awareness is vital as the starting point for EF.

          Theself-direction of attention comes to create self-awareness.

          Logic alonerequires that it precede the existence of the other EF components as theyall presuppose a sense of self.

          One cannot direct an action back on theself for self-regulation if one has no sense of self

          It must be the first toarise in development and may well be the most important as it serves asa precursor to all other forms of self-regulation.

          It is here that the individualbecomes conscious or aware of the entirety of their internal andexternal states drives wants and actions and so achieves an organized integrated unity or sense of self

      • 2. Self-Restraint Executive Inhibition)
        • The second EF component in importance must be self-restraint or executiveinhibition

          This is so because no further egoistic actions can occuruntil the individual ceases directing action toward the environment however briefly.

          One cannot respond to the environment with actionand self-direct an action simultaneously

          This type of inhibition achievesa separation of the external event from the eventual sensory–motorresponses that will be enacted in response to it

          This creates a decouplingof the stimulus from its response that was typical of the earlier automatic form of behavior that is so well studied in operant conditioning

          The capacity to delay action likely co-develops with the capacity toprolong the sensory impression of the stimulus see below) as neurons forboth appear to sit adjacent to each other in the PFC

          This separation or decoupling requires inhibition of the prepotentmotor response that such sensory events typically generate at the automaticlevel of brain functioning

          It would also require inhibition of attentionto unrelated events and their sensory impressions a resistance to distraction)at the time the primary sensory representation is being prolongedor re-imagined.

          This EF component represents self-stopping or the ability to interruptthe flow of more automatic ongoing behavior. It involves threequasi-distinct forms

          • 1) the capacity to suppress or otherwise disrupt orprevent the execution of a prepotent or dominant response to an event the response that has been previously associated with reinforcement orhas the highest likelihood of being performed under ordinary circumstances);

            2) the capacity to interrupt an ongoing sequence of behaviortoward a goal if it is proving to be ineffective; and

            3) so as to alter the likelihood of a delayed consequence goal).

            3) the capacity toprotect the self-directed actions that will subsequently occur and thegoal-directed actions they are guiding from interference by external andinternal goal-irrelevant events creating a freedom from distraction or aresistance to interference).

          For goal-directed behavior to arise attention must be shifted awayfrom the moment and external reality and turned toward the self and thementally contemplated future for that self—the goal

          The temporal gapcreated by the deferred response provides the opportunity for furtherself-regulatory actions and the eventual goal-directed behavior they willactually initiate

      • 3. Self-Directed Sensory–Motor Action
        • Self-directed sensory–motor action is an alternative means of describingwhat others may call a nonverbal working memory system.

          terms as a type of self-directed humanaction

          A person literally re-sees images typically engaging theright dorsolateral prefrontal cortex as well as the posterior visual associationareas

          This is not just done withvision but with all of the senses such as re-hearing re-smelling and refeeling.

          Done jointly the mental representation can consist of more than just an image alone but a fully integrated sensory representation

          Whatthis self-directed sensory activity serves to do is to prolong the referent that is the environmental stimulus or event that has triggered the initialor primary sensory perception

          Doing so may not be necessary as long asthe stimulus or event remains present in the sensory fields

          As long as itdoes so it continues to trigger the sensory perception of it. Prolongationcan be exceptionally beneficial when the stimulus or event disappears inthe external world or is no longer able to be perceived it may have gonebehind something).

          That is because the individual can now have a sensethat the object or stimulus may have continued to exist even though it isno longer perceptible. You will recognize this capacity for prolongationof sensory representations in their absence in the external world as thebasis for the development of object permanence in infants

          Predatorsand enemies can hide and any mental function that can give rise to anunderstanding that the object continues to exist despite its disappearancefrom the sensory receptors would be incredibly advantageous tosurvival even more so if that predator or competitor is a conspecific—another human

          The prolongation of environmental referents can now result in theirbeing stored as distinct memories such that the individual cannot justprolong the referent after its disappearance in reality but store a representationof that prolonged referent for later retrieval

          episodic memory

          a recollection of a personally perceivedevent that occurs within a specific temporal context or sequence

          Recallingsuch episodic memories can eventually come to trigger the motorresponses that typically occur in the presence of the actual environmentalevent.

          By prolonging storing and re-presenting the initial stimulusin mental form the individual can now re-imagine the stimulus andhence re-trigger the associated response to it.

          The person can now usethis re-imagining of past sensory–motor events to self-elicit action in theabsence of the primary stimulus typically eliciting it. This permits theperson to reenact the behavior repeatedly.

          Behavioral reenactments ormimesis being triggered by mental re-presentations of sensory stimulican become means of practice and rehearsal. They can become meansto further perfect the response to the actual environmental event thenext time it appears in that external world.

          This initial rehearsal is publiclyobservable yet it is incredibly advantageous for improving subsequentbehavior. Humans often demonstrate public rehearsals of actionsthey intend to use later under real circumstances. When this behavioralrehearsal becomes internalized it is a means for the private simulationof human actions and may be the basis for human rituals

          This internalization of sensory–motor actions also explains theimportance of the cerebellum in EF or “higher cognition”

          Given its importance for the execution ofpublic behavior it would be just as essential for its private simulation

          gift of mental simulation

          capacity forprivate mental evolution of ideas would have given humans a more rapidmeans of adapting to their environment

          EF components

          • mental manipulation of information
          • problem solving

          hindsight

          • revisualizing past reality and one’s actions

          foresight

          • imagining a future goal and the actions needed to attain it) and awarenessof self across time

          Every goal represents a want a desire a value or more generally a change in the current state of wants and needs areduction in dissatisfaction; an increase in well-being or satisfaction)

          goal represents

          • a want
          • a desire
          • a value

          there must not only be a capacity for self-awareness

          must include a temporal component

          • self-now
          • self-future

          Humans are time-binding animals binding the future to thepresent –

          Self-directed sensory–motor action is hypothesized to be the EFcomponent that achieves that time-binding function

          The capacity to imagine a hypothetical future from an experiencedpast is one of the three most important or foundational EFs

          The othertwo are self-directed attention self-awareness) and self-restraint

          Together they create the human sense of the future. Important tonotice here is that the future being conceived is not the entire future forall or even for this individual—it is a fractional future.

          base of a unified EF system

          • self-awareness
          • self-restraint inhibition)
          • self-directed sensory–motor actions imagination)

          None can be logically understood asto how or why they exist without reference to the other two

          Sensingthe future cannot arise without self-awareness and self-inhibition butthe reason the latter two functions exist is to facilitate the third; alonethese two would have no functional significance.

          Why be aware of andeven stop yourself from doing something if there is no other course ofaction to be contemplated?

          The remaining EF components arise out ofthis triadic foundation—the development of speech and its eventual selfdirection the self-regulation of emotion and motivation and reconstitutionor play to the self

          major domains of life activities in which humansengage

          • health maintenance
          • marriage
          • child-rearing
          • education
          • economics
          • ethics
          • law
          • government

          mental faculty

          • the capacity to contemplate
          • evaluate

          so appreciate the future consequences of one’s actions before engagingin them.

          Without a capacity for foresight the future has no spokespersonor influence and cannot be maximized.

          An entity without a sense ofthe future is essentially blind to time

      • 4. Self-Directed Private Speech
        • Self-directed private speech is the alternative explanation for what cognitiveneuropsychologists have called the verbal working memory system particularly the phonological loop

          Vygotsky’s theory of the internalization of speech

          forms the mind’s voice used in verbalthinking

          Individuals talk to themselves often privately mentally) topermit not just a private rehearsal of utterances verbal simulations) though that is very important in its own right

          The individual is usingthe same speech areas of the brain for this activity as they use whenspeaking publicly except that the primary motor areas related to externalor public speech are being suppressed

          language as communication or signalcan be used to manipulate the behavior of another organism for thesender’s own self-interests.

          When speech is turned back on the self thesignaler and the recipient are the same organism

          Self-speech also helps long-term self-interests to outweighand replace short-term self-interests –

          The sense of the possible futuregives rise to a sense of a future self and it is that sense of the future thatsignals the present self to compete against its short term self-interests –

          Self-speech can be used as well to self-instruct and to self-question andit can also be used for self-regulation self-organization and problemsolving –

          capacity for symbolization and language –

          is not an executivefunction –

          It is associative –

          It is not a self-directed action –

      • 5. Self-Directed Appraisal Emotion–Motivation)
        • Emotion is welded to everything we think say and do

          If individuals can redirect their sensing saying and doing backon themselves using the first four EF components above this almostautomatically grants them the capacity to elicit their own emotionsand motivations.

          Emotions are short-term changes in our appraisal ofevents and are reflected in alterations in physiological arousal perceptionsof reinforcement–punishment motivation) and hence approach–avoidance behavior

          emotions are motivational states –

          they are also associated withthe extent to which individuals increase or decrease their actions towardgoals –

          This EF component is believed to initially arise as a consequenceof the four above functions in which the individual comes to use selfawareness inhibition private imagery and sensing more generally) and private speech to engender associated emotional and motivationalstates.

          somatic markers

          The capacity to experience emotional states associated withinformation being held in mind

          provides a rapid means for calculating the costs and benefitsto the individual of the imagined course of action and its goal

          This EF component provides just such a cost benefit calculator self-appraiser) for mentally represented goals and the means needed toattain them

          Once humans developed a capacity to inhibit prepotent reactionsto events and a capacity to contemplate “the later” against “the now ”they automatically encountered a choice

          such a choiceis inherently a conflict

          A future state is being contrasted against thecurrent one and a decision must be made as to which is to be pursued

          such comparisons involve a calculation of costs and benefits for theindividual

          The goals changes in uneasiness) to be gained from the possiblechoices are computed valued) and then compared

          The one producinga net maximization of value for the individual is then pursued

          No matter how great the plan or mental map constructed to attaina goal no self-powered acting entity is going anywhere without a sourceof fuel.

          This is the drive the will or the motivation needed to sustainself-directed actions toward a future goal

          Motivation may thereforereflect the initial strength of such desires and the emotional valenceassociated with one’s needs wants) and goals desires).

          This EF component provides that source ofinternal fuel—self-motivation –

      • 6. Self-Directed Play Reconstitution or Problem Solving) –
        • This EF is an alternative to the planning problem-solving and innovative generativity fluency) components noted in other views of EF

          This component is hypothesized to be founded on the development of objectplay and pretense symbolic play) in childhood

          It isexperimental in that the person is testing out “what if” arrangements ofevents and responses to them.

          It is regarded as reconstitution because itis essentially a two-step activity

          The first is analysis or taking apart features of the environmental contingency eventresponse)and one’s own prior behavior toward it

          This is followed bysynthesis or the recombination of components of both the environmentand those behavioral structures that may be associated with it into novelarrangements.

          criterion such as a problem or goal

          Humans engage not just in social play butin play with objects and eventually their cold cognitive mental representationsthat is the basis for problem solving

          Problem solving is often needed to begin a process of planning goaldirectedaction. That is because goal-directed action most often ariseswhen there is a conflict between a present state what is) and a desiredstate what is wanted).

          • a problem-conflict between what is and what is not

          Summary

          • the EF components arise as a consequence of individualsturning upon themselves certain Pre-Executive level functions

            Byself-directing them a person creates a capacity for self-awareness self-modification and self-regulation over time future-directed goalfocused cross-temporal actions).

      The Importance of Time in EF SR

      How We Derive a Sense of the Future

      Self-awareness is a means for monitoring and evaluating what is initiallyautomatic behavior at the Pre-Executive level

      hindsight

      automatic behavior is detected as being inconsistent with attaining a longer-termgoal self-awareness leads the individual to evaluate the situation that has transpired for clues. This is hindsight.

      The individual is looking back re-sensing and even reverbalizing past events and his or her responses to them in order to guide readjustments to behavior in the next encounter

      A new hypothetical plan is constructed and stored for enactment when the event is next detected

      Hindsight thereby leads to foresight; such foresight is the individual’s best guess of what to expect on the next encounter even when to expect it and then how to respond

      Repeated experiences with the situation can lead to fine tuning of the response

      It may thus appear to others as if the person acts with clairvoyance when itis really with the hard-won knowledge from hindsight.

      On encounteringa novel situation the individual has no idea what the future may hold. Yethe or she can activate hindsight of previous similar experiences for ideason how best to act in this situation.

      The individual then uses the outcomeof that encounter to readjust his or her subsequent behavior

      Theself-directed actions occurring at this level are thus teleological; they arepurposefully implemented as means aimed at conjectured future goals

      teleological

      • purposefully implemented as means aimed at conjectured future goals

      For instance when children talk to themselves while performingacademic work such as math problems on paper such self-talk doesnot seem to initially benefit the current performance with that problem.Instead it correlates with improvement in subsequent encounterswith that or similar problems

      foresightemerges only as a function of self-monitoring of ongoing and largelyautomatic activities that can then be mentally reexperienced for furtheranalysis hindsight) when mistakes have been detected

      Out of this aplan for adjusting behavior in the next encounter is constructed. Foresightis the product of that analysis and the hypothetical action proposedfor use when encountering similar situations again.

      Three Important Time Factors

      • The factor of time is inherent in human contemplation valuation choice and actions toward goals
      • 1. temporal window
        • how far into the future the person can contemplate a possible goal
        • this is one’s personal time horizon
        • The future being contemplated concernsonly a particular goal and a specific context
      • 2. working time
        • the time that goal-directed actions take to attain the goal
      • 3. time period
        • the duration of serviceableness

      All three temporal factors are important in humanEF—in human contemplation choice and action

      Time therefore is essential to every act of reasoning that precedesand directs actions toward goals

      • A goal that takes a considerable working time and yet provides only momentary satisfaction of human wants is usually not worth pursuing

        a goal that takes little workingtime yet results in a lengthy period of satisfaction is usually highlyvalued and is often pursued. –

        ndividuals also vary in their preference forsooner versus later goals—that is in their valuation of working time andof the duration of serviceableness –

        goals that can be obtained inless time than others are typically preferred. This is the concept of timepreference in economics –

      value of time –

      • The value of time i.e. time preference or the higher valuation of wantsatisfactionin nearer periods of the future as against that in remoter periods is an essential element in human action –

        It determines every choice andevery action. –

        There is no man for whom the difference between sooner andlater does not count –

        The time element is instrumental in the formation ofall prices of all commodities and services –

      people in their time preference

      There is considerable variation across people in their time preference which is to say in their preference for nearer versus later consequencesor inversely in their capacity to delay gratification

      Future goals and consequences are steeply discounted as a function of their delay allother factors being equal and people vary in this degree of temporaldiscounting

      time

      • an essential component in EF is that of time

        It plays an important role in the contemplation of the future and especially in the appraisal or valuation assigned to means working time)and ends duration of serviceableness) and more generally to the totaltime between the decision to act and the attainment of the goal toward which it aims

      EF SR Relies on a Limited Resource Pool

      • Researchers have long proposed that EF SR is based on a limited resourcepool of effort or willpower that can be

        1. depleted

        • replenished

        3. reduced

        4. boosted in capacity

      Factors affecting EF SR

      • 1. protracted use of SR

        2. exposure to reward

        3. visually imagined delayed rewards

        4. brain injury

        5. physical exercise

        6. The pool is not only depleted by sustained engagement in SR in a given context but by the use of any and all of the components of EF

        7. the pool is shared and nonspecific across various EF processes

        8. can also be depleted by illness and alcohol and drug use

        9. variations in blood glucose levels

        10. can be replenished by consuming substances that contain glucose or boost blood glucose

        11. can also be refilled by engaging in various activities such as taking 10-minute relaxation or 3-minute meditation breaks

        12. receiving positive rewards

        13. engaging in positiveself-statements of efficacy after or even during sustained use of SR

        14. boosted by the routine practice of EF SR activities on a daily basis

        • . increasing routine physical exercise

      Are All Self-Directed Actions EF?

      It is important to appreciate that the private self-directed actions usedfor goal-directed behavior EF) are considered to be executive only whenall three of the components for defining self-regulation SR) discussedabove are met

      Merely self-directing an action by itself is not EF SR.

      Manually scratching an itch or singing to one’s self privately internally)in and of themselves would not be considered executive in nature yetboth are self-directed human actions

      The self-directed action must alsomodify the subsequent human behavior from what it is likely to havebeen otherwise—it must be self-modifying

      Daydreaming is not an EF

      • For instance I maydaydream self-directed imagery) while I should be working on a boringactivity.

        My daydreaming alters my subsequent behavior from what itwould have been otherwise

        I am now less likely to get my work done ina timely fashion.

        But this is not EF because it is not directed intentionallyat a goal or to alter a delayed consequence for my longer-term selfinterests

        it has diminished my longer term welfare

        not goal-directed

        no longer-term welfare

      leisure and labor

      Leisure is an end in itself thepursuit of immediately pleasurable activities or at least activities that immediately reduce dissatisfaction

      Labor is a means to a different and delayed end—a more mediate or delayed goal

      Self-directed actions are EF when they are means to other ends.

      EF SR Actions are labor not leisure

      neurocognitive processes

      • private
      • mental
      • self-directed actions

      called self-directedfor the reason that it is the self-direction of pre-EF functions that definesan executive from a nonexecutive function or process

      Each EF construct is a specificform of self-directed action

      • attention
      • imagery
      • speech
      • emotion
      • play

      referred to as processes because they are not ends in themselves but means to higher order ends that are to be found at upperlevels and outer zones) of EF activity in daily human life

      considered instrumental as they are necessary for generating the executive behavior that is used in daily life activities but they are not sufficient for those higher EF levels to exist

      executive functions

      • conscious
      • volitional
      • purposive
      • effortful
      • self-directed teleological actions

      How Does EF Govern the AutomaticPre-Executive Level of Behavior?

      EF SR two-level system

      • 1. The now –
        • The first level attends to “the now” –
          • automatic –
          • pre-executive –
          • unconscious –
          • stimulus-driven –
          • largelyreactive –
          • focused on primitive features of the environment –
          • both internaland external –
          • evident in other mammals –
        • involves a host of psychological abilities or evolved mental modules for –
          • situation detection –
          • attentional control –
          • event appraisal –
          • response generation –
          • serves to achieve immediate or near-term goals –
          • focuses on the flow of events in “the now.” –
      • 2. the future
        • The second level is the executive effortful conscious one thatattends to the future.
          • It is the EF level that intervenes in and otherwisestrives to regulate the automatic level in the service of longer-termgoals across larger spans of time

            focused on the flow of potentialevents lying ahead in the future and it relies on mental representations internal actions) to guide and adjust the motor system so as to alterthe likelihood of potential future events

            seeks to wrest control ofthe “now” automatic system in the service of mental representationsof longer-term goals and related information

            This second level has alimited resource pool of strength or energy for engaging in acts of SR

            They generate andsustain the mental representations that will cause the “top-down” regulationof the automatic level of human action

            This top-down regulationcan occur via at least five vectors of influence that are often usedto describe how emotional self-control is exerted by the EF system

      five vectors of influence

      • situation selection
      • situation modification
      • attentional redirection
      • event reappraisal
      • response modification suppression

      five vectors of influence come from one of the most widelycited models of emotion regulation in the EF SR literature—that of Gross 07) known as the modal model.

      two types of action emotion pathways

      • primary
      • secondary

      Four stages in the occurrence of primary actions emotions pre-executive-Primary)

      • 1. situation event)
      • 2. attention
      • 3. appraisal
      • 4. response

      The Secondary or executive level action emotion pathway may exert an influence over this primary pathway via five different vectors

      • 1. Situation selection
        • Choosing to enter or avoid situations thathave been previously associated with strong primary emotions.
      • 2. Situation modification
        • Electing to modify situations that previouslyhave provoked strong emotions

          such that those emotionsare less likely to happen

          such as injecting artificial consequencesinto the situation to enhance emotional control

          opting to placeone’s self in a different place in the situation near to others whosepresence may facilitate SR and so on

      • 3. Attention regulation
        • Using distraction or looking away

          focusingattention away from the emotionally provocative stimulus

          focusing attention on certain “cold” informational featuresof the stimulus rather than certain “hot” or emotionally chargedcharacteristics of the event

      • 4. Reappraisal 13
        • Rationally reevaluating the importance of the event any detrimental effects an emotional response may have on goaldirectedsuccess and other cognitive-behavioral techniques oftenused to 13
          • reframe 13

            reevaluate 13

            otherwise asymmetrically shiftthe importance of the event from the initial primary appraisalthat evoked the emotion to the longer-term goals and welfareof the individual 13

          This stage mayeven include employing 13

          • thoughts 13

            images 13

            private speech togenerate a positive countermanding emotion that may serve toreduce or replace the initial primary emotion 13

      • 5. Response modification
        • The most effortful path of all
        • It usuallyconsists of direct efforts to down regulate or even suppress thestrong provoked emotions

      Summary of five vectors

      • The first two vectors of SR described above are proactive

        they serve to head off the likelihood that the unwanted primary action emotion will be experienced at all or make it more likely that a positiveprimary action emotion will occur

        The remaining three paths oftop-down regulation are reactive in nature

        occurring as they do afterthe primary action emotion has been elicited.

        two-stage model of human emotion

        efforts to self-regulate intervene) earlier in the sequence such as situation selection are likelyto prove more effective than are attempts at later stages such as responsemodification

        The earlier paths for intervention are also likely to depletethe self-regulatory resource pool noted earlier less than are later ones

        mental contrasting –

        • visual images of the desired state goal) aresimply contrasted with the current state –

        enhance or diminish motivation toward goals as well as the emotionsassociated with the current situation thus making it a form of emotionalself-control –

        this occursbecause humans transfer the value of the goal to the means needed toattain it

      Successful SR involves

      • 1) identifying that a conflict between “the now”and “the future” actually exists

        2) asymmetric shifting of motivationalstrengths to favor the longer-term goal and so diminish thenatural tendency to discount the delayed outcome).

        Identifying that aconflict exists also involves 1) identifying and calculating the costs ofeach alternative for both the short term and long term; and 2) placingthe immediate temptation in the perspective of a larger time frame called width)

        Failures in SR can arise not only from difficulties withshifting motivational strength

        They can also arise from a simple failureto identify that a conflict even exists

        Distraction also appears to reduce amygdala activationbetter than reappraisal and even more so than response suppression which has been shown to activate the amygdala further

        Responsesuppression also appears to be mediated by the right lateral PFC whichis typically associated with inhibition of prepotent responses as well asthe use of visual imagery specifically and nonverbal working memorymore generally.

        Viewing EF SR as a System of Feedback Loops

        SR may involve a series of hierarchicallyorganized feedback loops or control systems that serve to regulategoal-directed behavior just as they regulate motor actions

        The model argues that individuals hold in mind a goaland repeatedly compare their current status and actions against thisgoal to measure progress toward the goal and the rate of their progress

        Evolutionary and Developmental Considerations

      six EF components

      • self-awareness self-directed attention)
      • inhibition self-restraint)
      • sensory imagery sensing to the self).
      • Self-directed actions
      • self-description
      • self-instruction
      • self-questioning
      • self-guidance

      Shifting Sources of Control of Human Behavior

      • Sources of influenceover behavior are

      1. From external to internal mentally represented) events

      2. From the temporal now to the hypothetical future

      3. From immediate gratification to an increasing valuation of largerdelayed consequences

      4. From control by others to self-regulation

      5. From a noncultural to a cultural existence

      Conclusions

      • EF here is argued to be a set of six self-directed largely covertactivities that arose from turning some of the pre-executive brain functionsback on the self to create self-regulation

        This allowed the individual’ssubsequent behavior to be altered and increases the likelihoodof attaining a future goal. EF is self-regulation

        It can now be definedas the use of self-directed actions self-regulation) so as to choosegoals and to select enact and sustain actions across time towardthose goals.

        Humans employ at least six types of self-directed activities

        • 1. attention
        • 2. inhibition
        • 3. covert sensory–motor action
        • 4. speech
        • 5. emotion–motivation
        • 6. play.
        • EF developmental capacities
          • 1. Spatial
            • The capacity to contemplate spatial distances over which actions can be directed to achieve geographically distant goals is nowpossible.
          • 2. Temporal
            • The use of hindsight foresight and the contemplation
          • 3. Inhibitory
            • The ability to engage in executive inhibition or consciousself-restraint has arisen so as to decouple events from potentialresponses interrupt the automatic flow of stimulus–response behaving and provide for an opportunity to choose potential courses of action
          • 4. Motivational
            • As a consequence of the former capacities the value assigned to a delayed consequence has been increased its rewardvalue is not as steeply discounted as before). This leads to a motivationalshift in the individual’s preference of delayed rewards over immediateones from a higher to a lower time preference in economic terms). Theindividual is now increasing the subjective use-value of a delayed goaland is therefore more motivated by the prospect mental contemplation)of such a goal
          • 5. Conceptual abstract
            • The capacity to self-direct speech and languageprovides the individual a means of using symbolic representationsas a form of rule-governed behavior opening them up to all of theadvantages that self-speech provides as noted above

              Though such rulesare necessarily simple specific and concrete in early development withmaturation there arises a capacity to guide behavior by longer morecomplex and more abstract rules

          • 6. Behavioral–structural
            • The level of behavioral complexity neededhere has increased by the added stage of the self-direction of actions

              Behavior is no longer simple automatic and short-lived; it is nowdelayed more complex and deliberate

              Alternative courses of action arebeing contemplated and are considered over a longer duration givingrise to a need for a greater complexity of behavior so as to serve as themeans to the goal and to bridge the delay in time to get it

              Cultural

              • The level of reciprocal influence with the culture is low though not nonexistent

                The flow of culture is largely one-way as EFdevelops—from social environment to child. Yet that inward flow of culturein childhood is massively assisted not only by parental instructionbut also by participation in formal educational systems of pedagogy

                Theculture provides information and artifacts in the environment surroundingthe individual that likely have some influence on the stimulation andgrowth configuration content and purposes for which these initialexecutive functions are used

          • 7. Social
            • The social complexity factor at this level remains very lowin that there is little or no ongoing need for the individual to consciouslyplan to interact with and eventually use other members of the socialgroup to operate at this level of EF.
          • 8. Cultural
            • The level of reciprocal influence with the culture is low though not nonexistent
            • The flow of culture is largely one-way as EFdevelops—from social environment to child
  • Chapter 5–The Methodical–Self-Reliant Level
    • Introduction

      The Instrumental–Self-Directed EF components described inChapter are largely covert or private

      This next level is concernedwith human behavior; that is observable everyday goal-directed actions

      They are sustained monitored revised and reprioritized by the lower orcognitive level of EF

      SRL Steps

      • sustained
      • monitored
      • revised
      • reprioritized

      CNS pre-executive functions ? CNS executive self-regulatory) functions ?executive self-regulatory) adaptive behavior

      subgoals

      • the attainment of which strung together can attain a larger later-term goal

      Humans in contrast engage in such nested sets of goaldirectedactions as a matter of daily routine.

      method

      • A method is a procedure orprocess for achieving an end
      • which accuratelydescribes this “Methodical” level of the extended phenotype of EF

      No single action attains the goal but the set of actions completedin a particular sequence serves to do so

      Here such a set of behavioralsteps toward a goal will be called a method.

      Self-Reliant

      • includes the dailyroutine activities methods) that pertain to self-care and independencefrom others

        It can be thought of as comprising the sorts of activitiesmeasured by those dimensions of adaptive behavior interviews and ratingscales that pertain to the degree of responsibility individuals assumefor fulfilling their own immediate and near-term often daily) needs andwants

        This includes assuming responsibility for sleeping clothing anddressing bathing and general hygiene food or nourishment personalsafety and self-defense from the elements from other species and fromother humans shelter and other self-care routines considered to be anecessary component of general self-reliance survival and basic socialindependence

      Robinson Crusoe story

      • he has no choicebut to be self-reliant
        • other methodical–self-reliant people arrive at his islandwith whom he must interact

          yet from whom he must protect himself

          basic background of any social ecologyis competitive and predatory whether it is between members of differentspecies or between those of the same species

      Self-interest prevails in all species as an inherent feature of genetics itself self-replication)

      as well as of the organisms created by those genes survival reproduction and personal welfare

      This level of EF acceptsand respects intraspecies competition and predation as the backgroundof humans just as it exists for all other organisms

      Competition needslittle explaining or justification

      The difference between the previous level and this Methodical–Self-Reliant one is analogous to learning to drive a car

      It is one thingto be able to operate a motor vehicle in an empty parking lot but it’sanother thing to drive on the open road

      Operating in the parking lotis comparable to the Instrumental–Self-Directed level of EF

      Student driver is learning how to drive the car but is not driving to attainany other goal than practice 73

      Conflicts with others arise at many pointsof intersection

      The first order of business for this driver is to drive safely defensively and reach his or her destination while not interfering with orbeing obstructed by other drivers.

      This is precisely the stage of EF I wishto represent here one of self-reliance with self-defense in pursuit of one’sown goals

      Yet there is a nefarious aspect to this level that cannot go unremarked:group living provides the opportunity for individuals to preyon others for their own one-sided parasitic) benefit

      This opportunityexists across all species that encounter other living organisms withintheir range. –

      Driving on the highway is quite different because the driver is not only pursuing a goal but is also in the midst ofother drivers pursuing their own goals and self-interests and with rulesgoverning those interactions. 73

      Driving Objectives 73

      • to drive safely
      • to defensively
      • to reach destination while not interfering with or being obstructed by other drivers
      • self-reliance with self-defense in pursuit of one’sown goals

      social emotions

      • shame
      • guilt
      • conscience
      • empathy

      Distinguishing Executive Cognitionfrom Executive Action

      • Types of EF EC and EA
        • 1. covert Executive Cognition EC
          • thought
          • choice
          • private cognitive self-directed actions that arelargely mental private) in form
          • largely unobservable to others
          • can be called executive cognitions
          • represented for instance by visual imagery –
          • self-speech to plan –
          • initiate goal-directed behavior –
          • may involve self-organizing the physical and social environment
          • self-regulating
          • Tellingyourself in your own mind using self-speech to set your alarm clock atnight is EC
        • 2. overt Executive Action EA
          • action
          • overt behavior toward a goal
          • observable actions initiated and sustained toward goals may bethought of as executive actions EA).
          • setting the alarm clock is an EA

      Formula

      • EF = EC + EA

      Using the Physical Environment to Boost EF

      A distinguishing feature at this level is the increased reliance on selforganizedexternal props and other rearrangements of the physical environmentthat facilitate and even magnify the neurocognitive capacity forself-regulation across time

      The individual interacts with the environmentto create new products and methods artifacts) that can serve as a meanstoward ends goals)

      human capacity forproductivity

      interacting with

      taking apart

      recombining theelements of their physical environment

      CNS pre-executive functions ? CNS executive self-regulatory) functions ?executive self-regulatory) adaptive behavior ?•new environmental arrangements methods and products artifacts)

      human reorganization of the physical environment

      • to facilitate self-regulation
      • goal-directed actions

      This is evident in the human use of

      • self-directed notes
      • written lists
      • clocks
      • calendars
      • planners
      • computers
      • electronic schedulers
      • bookkeepingsystems
      • money

      simple rearrangements of the immediate environment such as placing an alarm clock by the bed and setting it

      Benefits of Self Organization

      • facilitate better selfmanagementto time self-organization self-motivation and personalproductivity and so they help one to attain goals –

        Their effectivenessis clearly determined by how individuals self-arrange these physicalcomponents within their own life-space so as to increase self-regulationtoward their goals –

        the capacity to talk to oneself an EC at the Instrumental–Self-Directed level) can be used to help organize and guide behaviorover short-term intervals

        the controllingeffect of self-speech can be extended even further across spaceand time by creating a more permanent form of self-directed speechusing written notes or other external self-directed props another EA).

        For instance the “do list” that I keep on my desk along with my week-ata-glance calendar of appointments and deadlines is far more effective atguiding my work-related activities for the week and month than if I hadto rely on verbal working memory or self-speech alone

        Reliance on and off-loading of mental storage and work to suchexternal devices massively boosts the storage capacity and complexityof information while effectively guiding individuals’ behavior towardtheir goals

        Those goals can exist at much further distances across spaceand time than was the case using just the internal mental means of representinginformation the EC).

        Goals can be achieved with less timeand effort in many cases freeing up time and effort for pursuing othergoals.

        This means that more goals can be pursued and attained; that bydefinition results in an increase in one’s standard of living and hencelong-term welfare

        This rearrangement of the physical environment to facilitate EF SRand goal attainment is not merely moving things around that already existin the physical environment though it is clearly that. It also includes takingapart and recombining components of the physical world as a meansof discovering and producing new useful rearrangements—it is humanproductivity

      definition of production or productivity

      • The manipulation of the environment through humaneffort to yield useful combinations products) that serve to more effectivelyattain one’s goals

      Purpose of Productivity

      • improve standard of living
      • improve quality of life
      • improve longer-term welfare

      Social Problems That Likely Contributedto the Evolution of the Self-Reliant EF Level

      • Why would humans engage in rearrangements of their physical environmentto create more efficient means of attaining their goals?

        The answer I believe lies in the group-living social niche in which humans evolved

        Practically from birth we are surrounded by other self-interested selfdirected goal-pursuing individuals. Their presence sets up at least threetypes of social selection pressures that are likely to have existed overhuman evolutionary history and human development).

        Three types of social selection pressures

        1. Intraspecies Competition

        • our fellow humans are our closest competitors formates and resources necessary for survival

          we live in groups withother self-interested beings as we compete with them

          Human cognitionmust possess certain mental faculties that help to deal with this competition

          Social life speeds up the rate of change in the environment. Theearly levels of universal evolution would simply not be rapid enough topermit adaptations to arise to it

          basis for the evolutionof EF I argue is that it provided the means of more rapidly adaptingto the flux vexations and uncertainty inherent in social conflicts

        2. Social Predation

        Self-Defense from Social Influence Persuasion and Coercion Social Predation)

        Social existence guarantees competition for limited resources.

        Competitionmeans that individuals will attempt to influence others for their ownone-sided benefit and self-interests

        It is social parasitism or predation

        This occurs very frequently in the biological world within and betweenspecies

        Human communication systems suchas gesture and language serve just this purpose

        • to alter the mental representationsand behavior of others for one’s own ends or purposes

        Not all efforts at social influence are parasitic or detrimental to the persontargeted

        • example
          • communication among genetically related individualstends to promote inclusive fitness of the shared genotype geneticself-interests) as would be expected from selfish gene theory

        we must accept the fact that in the biological world manysuch communicative systems are parasitic or one-sided in promotingonly the self-interests of the signaler to the detriment of the recipient

        common self defenses

        • resisting
        • repelling
        • delaying
        • evaluating

        Mental mechanisms such as self-regulation and other forms of resistanceto unwanted detrimental social influences are needed to counterthis manipulative aspect of human social life

        efforts of people 6

        1. influence 6

        • influence others into giving up valuable resources are evident not only inadvertising marketing and salesmanship –

        2. crimes –

        • theft embezzlement and financial scams –

          Advances in telecommunicationssuch as the Internet have only broadened the opportunity to communicate sell persuade and swindle and otherwise prey on others forone’s own one-sided benefit

        social parasitism modes

        • persuasion
        • manipulation
        • coercion

        Through the development of self-regulation

        individuals progressively shift from being controlled by others toone’s self as the source of control.

        This shift protects and enhances one’sown self-interests.

        By becoming self-directed and self-reliant the personis less subject to the manipulations persuasions coercive actions andgeneral social predation of others that would be detrimental to his orher short- and longer-term welfare.

        Therefore with the emergence of theEF system there should appear a growing resistance to social influencecoupled with a growing capacity for self-determination

        • asEFs mature through the three phenotypic levels that follow 70

        the individual becomes free to choose whom to reciprocate and cooperate in a more symbiotic mutually beneficial arrangement. 70

        3. Imitation and Vicarious Learning –

        • Living with others affords opportunities to observe and learn from theirtrial-and-error performances

          This is vicarious learning and probablyevolved from the visual imagery component of EF discussed in the lastchapter

          images of the behavior of others serve as templates forcopying

          it would be incredibly beneficialto an individual’s welfare if he or she had the capacity to copythe successful trials of others

          if individuals can copy each other’sactions then person A can alter what B is likely to do next simply bywhat A elects to do

          sets up a means for them to mutually influenceeach other’s behavior.

          Such influence becomes a form of signalingor communication using behavior; it can become gestural communication

          the capacity to imitate another could lead to the opposite—a capacity to act in opposition to what one sees by suppressing one’s ownbehavior when observing mistakes in such trials

          If you can influencewhat I do because I can copy your actions that influence is not alwaysin my best interests.

          It could be to my detriment if you are trying tomanipulate my behavior for your own ends and welfare

          vicarious learningis the starting point for culture—for the spread replication) ofinformation across individuals

          While the capacities for language andverbal working memory serve to greatly expand the human capacityfor adopting from and contributing back to culture imitation is culture’sstarting point.

        Dimensions of EF Evident in Daily Life Activities

        It is at the Methodical–Self-Reliant level that rating scales of EF in dailylife are likely to prove far superior at capturing the nature of the EA andtheir deficits than any EF test could possibly achieve

        EF tests and EFrating scales are not in competition with each other; rather they are differentmeans of assessing different levels of EF in human affairs

        Testssample moment-to-moment instrumental cognitive) EF processes EC);ratings sample methodical EF behavior over hours to days and even overweeks at a time across multiple situations including social ones EA).

        BRIEF

        Behavior RatingInventory of Executive Functioning

        • Subscale EF Test

        1. metacognition

        • workingmemory
        • time management
        • organization
        • planning
        • problemsolving
        • related abilities

        2. inhibition

        • reflects behavioral regulation
        • impulse control
        • emotional control 70
        • self-restraint 70

        DEFS 70

        • Deficits in Executive Functioning Scale –
        • Self-Organization and Problem Solving
        • Self-Restraint inhibition)
        • Self-Motivation
        • Self-Activation
        • Concentration

        BRIEF-A

        • Behavioral Inhibition Dimension

        Four Factors

        • Self-Management to Time
        • Self-Organization
        • Problem Solving
        • Self-Discipline
        • Self-Motivation
        • Self-Regulation of Emotions

        EF as Human Reasoning and as the Source of Culture 13

        EF at the Instrumental level 13

        • reasoning 13
          • it is the creative engine of culture 13
        • thinking 13
          • The EFcomponents are the mental faculties that are its basis 13

        Reason deals withdiscerning the means for attaining ends 13

        EF In Action 13

        observe 13

        conceptualize 13

        propose 13

        evaluate 13

        criticize 13

        discern 13

        experiment 13

        problem-solve 13

        invent 13

        engage in rearrangements of the physical environment 13

        Amended definition of EF

        the use of self-directed actions self-regulation) so as tochoose goals and to select enact and sustain actions across time towardthose goals usually in the context of others

        • developmental capacities
          • 1. spatial
            • The spatial distances over which the individual contemplatesgoal-directed action increases
            • The invention of maps in the culturewould have greatly boosted this initial capacity
          • 2. time
            • The time horizon beingemployed to contemplate future events may be hours to a few days
            • Theinvention of timekeeping recording devices in the culture would havegreatly boosted this capacity
          • 3. motivation
            • The extent to which the individual valuesfuture rewards motivation) has increased accordingly and reward discountinghas decreased

              The cultural invention of money and arithmeticwould have greatly boosted this capacity to appraise the values of variousgoals and means facilitating the cost benefit analysis of each

          • 4. inhibition
            • Thedegree of self-restraint inhibition) needed to achieve this level has alsoexpanded from that required at the previous initial EF level

              There is stilla need to subordinate one’s immediate selfish interests to one’s delayed longer-term future self-interests if one is to succeed at self-reliance

          • 5. abstract or conceptual
            • Thedegree of abstract or conceptual rules being followed has increased fromthe prior level as individuals invent and adopt spoken and written rulesto guide their daily activities
          • 6. behavioral
            • The level of behavioral complexity operatinghere is greater than previous levels but is low in comparison to thenext level

              Certainly more complex and nestedsets of hierarchically organized action sequences are needed here than atlower levels as when making meal preparations for the day shopping forgroceries making a bank deposit planning out the course of a drivingtrip and the like.

          • 7. social
            • Social interactions with others are simple ones thatoccur mainly in passing during daily encounters with others

              But at thislevel the individual is not yet relying on those others to achieve neartermgoals.

              This level of EF may have arisen as a source of social selfdefenseagainst the competitive and mutually manipulative features ofthe social environment hence my emphasis at this level on self-reliance

          • 8. culture
            • the degree of culture being used here is greaterthan at prior levels but is likely to be only at the level of protoculturesuch as seen in earlier primitive tribes of humans or even prehumans perhaps such as Neanderthals

              That culture consists chiefly in copyingthe behavior of others for self-benefit and in practicing a primitive formof gestural and possibly vocal communication

              But it can also includethe creation and adoption of relatively simple tools weapons and otheruseful artifacts

  • Chapter 7–The Strategic–Cooperative Level
    • Conditions Necessary for Cooperation to Arise –

      The Importance of Division of Labor to a Cooperative –

      The Profound Role of Culture in Cooperatives –

      A Second Possible Stage to the – –

      Social Mutualism –

      Mutualism is a symbiotic activity in which each party by contributingto the longer-term self-interests of others gains longer-termadvantages for themselves as well –

      EF is self-regulation across time to direct and sustain goal-directedaction in the context of others often relying on social means. Yet givenwhat has transpired to produce this higher level of the EF phenotype wecan now amend the definition yet again: the use of self-directed actionsso as to choose goals and to select enact and sustain actions acrosstime toward those goals usually in the context of others often relyingon social and cultural means –

  • Chapter 6–The Tactical–Reciprocal Level
    • Introduction
      • The Tactical–Reciprocal level described in this chapter representsthe extension of the Instrumental–Self-Directed and Methodical–Self-Reliant levels of EF upward and outward into daily human social reciprocalor symbiotic relationships

        At this level the individual incorporatesthe use of others and social interactions with them as tools or means forthe attainment of a goal

        the use of others is no longer parasiticbut symbiotic of mutual benefit through social reciprocity

        The evolutionof cooperation among self-interested organisms has been a problemrequiring explanation throughout much of the history of the theory ofevolution

        a solution was proposed that shows howsuch reciprocity can evolve among self-interested organisms be beneficialto both and remain stable over time even in the absence of an EFsystem

        Factors -level of reciprocity

      1. The greater capacity of the individual to contemplate events goals or end-states at a greater distance across both space and time than was necessary for the functioning at the lower EF levels

      2. The proximal availability of other self-directing self-reliant individuals who can do the same contemplate the longer term)

      3. The attainment of a relative stalemate in the arms race that likely ensued at the next lower EF level from mutual predation or social parasitism social parasitism becomes a less successful strategy) –

      4. The evolution of social emotions that promote reciprocal symbiotic and cooperative social behavior –

      Reciprocity Factors

      theory of mind

      cost-benefit calculations

      inhibition of the propensity to cooperate when faced with a noncooperator

      With maturation the individual is capable of discerning goalsacross a longer term and at a greater spatial distance

      tactical

      • This level is termed tactical because individuals will need to developsets of methods—shorter-term behavioral means and goals—to achievelonger-term goals and higher order

        That pursuit is being conductedin the midst of other self-regulating individuals

        Self-defense and selfreliancewere the first order of social business at the earlier level. Here however the individual contemplates the possibility that others can beused in a mutually beneficial way to facilitate one’s own goals

        At theearlier self-reliant level individuals rearranged the physical environmentto promote their own goal-directed activities; at this level individualsare now going to organize the social environment to do so

      reciprocal

      This level of EF is also termed reciprocal because the individual isnow not just relating to others by chance in passing during daily activities.

      The person also is not just defending against the pernicious socialinfluences of others as in social parasitism

      At this level an individual isutilizing others with the others’ consent to pursue longer-term goals—goals that cannot be achieved as efficiently alone and that are mutuallybeneficial

      EF phenotype

      • CNS pre-executive functions ? CNS executive self-regulatory) functions ?executive self-regulatory) adaptive behavior ? self-organizationof environmental arrangements methods products artifacts) ?self-organizing of social arrangements to achievereciprocal exchanges with others

      Social Reciprocity as a Major Activityof the Extended EF Phenotype

      A hallmark of this level is engagement in social reciprocity known also asreciprocal or social exchange

      Why would it arise?

      It is because individualshave things goods) or do things services etc.) that others may value

      Reciprocity goes beyond just trading products

      it also forms a part ofhuman social interaction

      social grease

      Etiquette can be likened to a form of “social grease” thatcan make the myriad of social encounters and interactions run moreefficiently and smoothly with less conflict than would otherwise be thecase

      And it can make those on the receiving end more likely to reciprocate.Driving rules like social rules often rely on reciprocity to reducethe probability of conflict

      From Rearranging the Physical Environment to Rearrangingthe Social One

      • Example
        • someone may wish to increase the frequency of theirexercising for better health or weight loss. To better achieve that goal they arrange to have a neighbor who is also a runner meet them eachmorning before work to run together

          This is not cooperation which arises at the next level

          It is reciprocalself-regulation in which each person seeks out the other to hold themsocially accountable for a behavior-change program that they are far lesslikely to successfully engage in had they just tried to do it on their own

      Other Pursuits 5

      • assist with trading
      • improving work productivity
      • meeting goals for a promotion
      • improving or changing career paths
      • managing and saving money
      • healthmaintenance
      • weight loss
      • substance management
      • reduction i.e..quitting smoking)
      • pursuing further educational degrees
      • participatingin community activities

      not one-sided reliance on others to do things for you –

      Itis instead a mutual reliance in the service of exchanging resources andother valued assets –

      It is symbiotic when it works well and it is parasiticwhen it does not –

      The Special Conditions Needed to Support Reciprocity –

      • self-awareness of state

        mechanismfor tracking prior interactional outcomes

        theremust be a greater payoff to both parties

        reciprocating requires foresight of a greater payoff than if one actedalone

        there must be some means ofaccounting and recalling the conditions of the original exchange

        individuals must have some means ofdistinguishing a likely mutual reciprocator from a likely cheater or socialparasite.

        individuals must be highly likely to encounter each other again sometimesreferred to as a low dispersal rate

        there must be a physical or social cost tocheaters when their cheating has been detected

      Conditions that give rise to reciprocity

      • hindsight
      • foresight
      • presence of kin
      • presence of kin
      • repeatedencounters in group living
      • observational learning
      • means of policing
      • punishing defectors or cheaters

      Visual Imagery Hindsight) as the Bookkeeping Mechanism Needed for Reciprocity 1 –

      Visual imagery and the conscious re-sensing of the past hindsight)appear ideally suited to provide an accounting mechanism for trackingexchanges and activities with others 1

      They also provide a basis forevaluating the benefits of cooperating with another foresight). 1

      EF Reciprocity and Economics 1

      Humans cannot do two things at once 1

      • 1. must evaluate 1
      • 2. must prioritize 1
      • 3. must choose their course of action 1
      • 4. must choose quickly and efficiently 1
      • 5. must consider the impactof their choices 1
      • 6. must make rapid cost-benefit calculation 1

      Every choice and action involves a calculation of the costs andbenefits for the individual –

      economics –

      why most people think of economics as involving monetary calculations

      economics is about the making of choices amongalternative means and ends

      Domains of Economics

      • occupational functioning
      • social relations
      • money management
      • health maintenance
      • driving
      • cohabiting
      • child-rearing
      • sex
      • reproducing

      This iswhy EF is so pervasive in human life and so devastating when compromised

      EF comprises those mental mechanisms humans use to makechoices and initiate actions toward goals and such choices are nearlyuniversal in human action

      The components of EF are essential in directing and sustaininghuman action toward a goal

      Self-awareness

      Self-awareness provides a person with asense of their current state

      Visual imagery and self-directed sensory–motor action provide the means for imagining a future state of lessuneasiness or greater satisfaction.

      The difference between the currentstate and future state gives rise to the self-motivation to plan and act

      The plan arises out of hindsight self-directed speech and the reconstitutionalfunction of self-directed mental play

      Enactment of the plan createspurposeful action

      Such foresight choice and the calculated actionsto which they lead are therefore the starting point for the study of economics.

      Marketplace-Social Exchange

      • Once the mechanism of reciprocity and its benefits are discoveredthrough foresight and experience the person enters a rudimentary levelof the field of economics—social exchange

        This is how EF SR is linkedto one of the most pervasive and uniquely human activities—economicbehavior involving the use of others

        An exchange of goods or servicesbetween two people de facto creates a protomarket

        When done repeatedlybetween these individuals or among more people than this it beginsto form a market.

        Extended to human groups involving multiple suchacts of reciprocity daily creates an economic system or multiple processesof exchange

        The location for such market exchanges eventuallymay become a common specific setting or place then known as a marketplace but this should not disguise the fact that a market is a process

        In such markets processes) humansincur debts barter and engage in other purchasing activity and trackand monitor these exchanges via accounting) as they occur with multiplemembers of the group. –

        Markets are therefore self-organizing amongindividuals with a sufficient level of EF development that supports theconception of the mutual longer-term benefits that can arise from theexchange –

        Markets are likely to be impossible or unstable when effortsto control them are imposed from outside the participants to this reciprocalexchange especially under the conditions of coercion and authority –

        That is because those others cannot have access to the Instrumentalor cognitive private) EF level of each party to that exchange that subjectivelyvalues its benefits—the very basis for the exchange between them

        Only the individual knows the value he or she assigns to the possibleoutcomes of the exchange and so only they are the one capable of determiningwhether or not the exchange should take place and what or howmuch to exchange

        Eventually participants in the market processes) maydevelop a set of mutually agreed upon rules for such participation lawsand contracts) a means for resolving conflicts among well-intentionedparticipants mediation) and a means for punishing cheaters or parasitesto the exchange civil courts and police) thereby creating a more formalorganization to the market based on cultural scaffolding

        There mustbe a mental mechanism or set of mechanisms that permits and supportsthis type of subjective use calculation and such self-organized socialexchanges or markets

      Reciprocity Morality and Ethics

      Daily human social life affords opportunities

      • sharing
      • taking turns
      • keeping promises
      • etiquette
      • repaying favors

      Morality

      • self-regulation necessary to resist immediate urges
      • conform to socialnorms
      • defer to legitimate authorities
      • care for others
      • understand why certain acts are right or wrong

      To behavemorally individuals must subordinate their immediate short-term selfintereststo those of another while expecting to receive similar treatmentthe next time when the situation is reversed

      it is not always in the best interests of a selfinterestedcreature to always maximize short-term interests –

      it is possibleto derive a greater payoff by reciprocating on some occasions with others –

      three main reasons-unconstrained pursuit of individual interests –

      • The unconstrained pursuit of individual interests and the exploitation ofothers are ineffective interpersonal strategies for three main reasons –

        The unconstrained pursuit of individual interests and the exploitation ofothers are ineffective interpersonal strategies for three main reasons –

        First some resources are beyond the reach of individuals acting alone. –

        Second unconstrained selfishness may destroy the system of cooperation on whichit feeds –

        Third others are evolved to resist being exploited. –

      foundation for morality –

      The evolutionary foundation for morality therefore may be reciprocityamong individuals who live in close proximity and frequentlyencounter each other while pursuing their respective self-interests 23 –

      When humans live in groups and repeatedly intersect with eachother as they each pursue their own goals there is also the repeated likelihoodthat their paths and goals will conflict –

      Such potential for conflictcreates a need for “rules of the road” to make such interactions progressmore smoothly or peacefully –

      a need for the developmentof ethics or at least protoethics at this level of EF –

      Ethics are therules or principles that people adopt for pursuing their goals values) inthe context of other self-interested goal-directed people –

      Ethics providerules that have been learned over time to facilitate peaceful group living –

      to lessen the inevitable potential for conflicts among varying selfintereststhat arise in that mode of living – –

      By adopting and followingan ethical rule individuals are more likely to attain their goals whilenot interfering with others who are doing so – –

      ethics existbecause they reduce human conflict – –

      Ethics are like the rules we adopt for driving so that all drivers canget to their destinations more efficiently and effectively while interactingwith other drivers –

      They are the rules of the road for human socialinteractions if one expects to pursue one’s self-interests with as littleconflict with others as possible and to increase the likelihood of futureexchanges with others –

      How then do we move from any basis of desire to any theory of ethics?We find the solution when we take a longer and broader view. All ofour desires may be generalized desires to substitute a more satisfactory stateof affairs for a less satisfactory state. It is true that an individual under theimmediate influence of impulse or passion or the desire for revenge orgluttony or an overwhelming craving for a release of sexual tension or fora smoke or a drink or a drug may in the long run only reduce a more satisfactorystate to a less satisfactory state may make himself less happy ratherthan more happy. But this less satisfactory state was not his real consciousintention even at the moment of the acting. He realizes in retrospect thatthis action was folly; he did not improve his condition but made it worse;he did not act in accordance with his long-run interests but against them.He is always willing to recognize in his calmer moments that he shouldchoose the action that best promotes his own interests and maximizes hisown happiness or minimizes his own unhappiness) in the long run. –

      disciplined men refuse to indulge in immediate pleasures when theindulgence seems only too likely to lead in the long run to an overbalanceof misery or pain FitWidth –

      Mankind has found over the centuries that certain rules ofaction best tend to promote the long-run happiness of both the individualand society FitWidth –

      These rules of action have come to be called moral rules FitWidth –

      the core of ethics is the individual’s capacity to contemplatehis or her own welfare over the long-term FitWidth

      EF SR extends outward as a phenotype to become essentialto social exchange reciprocity) and trading FitWidth 2

      • 1) we perceive and conceive of the future or the longer term and so of the greater payoffs that these social activities can provide to us; FitWidth 2

        2) we are able to constructand follow rules to guide our choices and commensurate actions over that time period; FitWidth 2

        3) we rapidly calculate the costs-benefits subjective value) of those choices means and ends) over time beforehand; FitWidth 2

        4) we restrain or otherwise subordinate our immediate short-term interests to our longer-term interests so as to obtain greater mediate or longer-term consequences; FitWidth 2

        5) we activate manage and otherwise regulate emotional and motivational states in the service of these goals in the context of the actions and motivations of others FitWidth 2

        6) we self-organize the environment and others within it so as to be more likely to attain our goals and to attain larger goals than by acting in isolation independently or parasitically. FitWidth 2

      This makes plain the outward extension of the Instrumental level of the EF phenotype through human action up through the Self-Reliant level and then on outward further to this Reciprocal one FitWidth 2

      Using Each Other for Mutual Self-Regulation FitWidth 9

      Social relationships also can be used to boost an individual’s EF SR FitWidth 11

      The Sociometer in the Extended EF Phenotype FitWidth 9

      People appear to possess a mental mechanism for monitoring theirmoment-to-moment status within a social group FitWidth 9

      This mechanism picksup social signals pertinent to appraising one’s own relational value toothers FitWidth 9

      This value can be captured along a dimension of acceptance–rejection. FitWidth 9

      The Role of Parenting and Culture in Reciprocity FitWidth 4

      • to develop social skills FitWidth 4
      • rule following FitWidth 4
      • reciprocity of socialinteractions FitWidth 4
      • sharing FitWidth 4
      • turn-taking FitWidth 4
      • reciprocal exchange FitWidth 4
      • altruism FitWidth 4

      to move children up to not only the Self-Reliant levelof EF but further upward to its Reciprocal level FitWidth 4

      Parents provide an artificial consequence toyoung children for why their social rule is to be obeyed FitWidth 4

      Culture also provides other scaffolding FitWidth 3

      • writtenrules FitWidth 3
      • laws FitWidth 3
      • policing FitWidth 3
      • formal contracts FitWidth 3
      • other conditions that may berequired for such reciprocity and exchange FitWidth 3
      • compliance training for rule-following FitWidth 4

      eight capacities havechanged as follows FitWidth 8

      • 1. Environmental spatial contemplation and self-organizationexpands from rearrangement of the physical proximal environmentto a greater distance from the individual FitWidth 573

        2. The time horizon or temporal window for contemplation mustexpand to days and weeks to reveal the longer-term benefits ofsocial reciprocity FitWidth

        3. The needed degree of inhibition and self-restraint is greater thanthat needed for social self-defense seen at the last level. Moraland ethical rules require individuals to subordinate their immediate short-term self-interests to those of others as well as totheir own longer-term welfare FitWidth 7

        4. With these expansions come increasing valuation and motivationfor further delayed consequences than was evident at earlierlevels FitWidth 554

        5. The level of abstract rules and concepts is considerably higheras social rules must be understood and adopted to facilitate reciprocity including such rules as social skills ethics and laws FitWidth 554

        6. The level of behavioral complexity needed within this zone ismoderate; it is far greater than that needed in lower levels of EFbut not as complex as that seen in the next level FitWidth 554

        7. The need for and complexity of social interactions is moderate;the individual is now pursuing goals using reciprocity and socialexchange FitWidth – 3

        8. The bidirectional influence of culture has increased as individualsnot only absorb cultural practices and use cultural devices fortheir own goal-directed activities but they may now contributenew cultural products and devices to the culture via reciprocityand trade FitWidth -54

  • Chapter 9–Implications for Understanding Executive Functioning and Its Disorders
    • The Problem of Defining EF –

      The Problem of the Nature of EF: Incomplete Theories – –

      Understanding EF and Its Disorders –

      1. Prolongation prolonging sensory representations to form mentalimages and icons). –

      2. Separation decoupling the stimulus from the response via inhibitionof the response thereby inserting a delay in which the eventcan be further appraised and alternative actions contemplated). –

      3. Self-direction six pre-executive abilities have come to be turnedback on the individual to produce self-awareness self-restraint self-sensory–motor actions self-speech self-regulation of emotionand motivation and self-play for innovation and problemsolving). –

      4. Internalization the self-directed activities are eventually privatizedfrom public view to form cognitive or mental actions). –

      5. Symbolization mental representations became associated withverbal utterances that create symbols that represent aspects ofthose representations such as objects actions and their properties). –

      6. Reconstitution using mental representations and especially thesymbols for them the environment and one’s actions toward itcan be classified categorized and otherwise taken apart andrecombined to form new representations and actions). –

      Understanding the Effects of Injury Disorder or Impairmentto the EF SR System – –

      Impaired self-awareness self-monitoring and even an impairedgeneral sense of self. –

      A deficient ability to create imaginary constructions of the world –

      Disorder or destruction of the self-restraint component leaves onewith the obvious problems of motor verbal cognitive and emotionalimpulsivity. –

      Disruption of the private self-directed speech component wouldleave an individual less able to use self-talk for self-guidance for selfquestioningor interrogation for verbal problem solving and even forverbal reasoning more generally. – –

      Disturbance of the emotion regulation component would lead tothe impulsive expression of emotion noted above. –

      Impairment to the self-motivation EF component would lead toindividuals becoming highly dependent on external immediate consequencesand gratification to sustain their actions across time to completetasks and goals –

      Should the self-play or reconstitutive component of the EF systembe adversely affected then one could expect a decline in verbal nonverbal and action fluency as well as a decline in the capacity for problemsolving and innovation during pursuit of a goal –

      The Problem of “Why EF?” –

  • Chapter 8–The Extended Utilitarian Zone
    • Objective Means of JudgingExtended EF Phenotypic Effects –

      Effects on Survival –

      The Extended Utilitarian Zone –

      Let us first consider life expectancy. EF is directly related to thatdimension of personality known as conscientiousness—an aspect ofpersonality reflecting how likely one is to consider the consequences ofone’s actions for self and others before acting. Its opposite is impulsivenessand selfishness. Lower levels of conscientiousness have been linkedrepeatedly to health problems and even to life expectancy –

      Others’ Recollections and Judgments:Consequences at a Distance –

      Archival Records and Their Consequences –

      Effects of EF on Offspring Survival and Welfare –

  • Chapter 10–Implications for Assessment and Clinical Management of Deficits in Executive Functioning
    • The Problem of How to Assess EF –

      Implications of the Extended Phenotype Modelfor Assessment of EF –

      factors mayserve to more rapidly replenish the resource pool. – –

      Routine physical exercise 1 –

      Taking 10-minute breaks periodically during SR strenuous situations 1 –

      Relaxing or meditating for at least minutes after such SR-exertingactivities 1 –

      Visualizing the rewards or outcomes while involved in EF SRtasks. 1 –

      Arranging for periodic small rewards throughout the tasks forSR-demanding settings 1 –

      Engaging in self-affirming statements of self-efficacy prior to andduring such tasks 1 –

      Generating positive emotions 1 –

      Consuming glucose-rich beverages during the task 1 –

      Intervene at the Point of Performance in Natural Settings –

      Approach EF Deficits as a Chronic Condition –

      Intervene at the Most Disrupted Level –

      The fourth problem associated with EF noted in Chapter that needsredress was how EF is to be assessed

  • Compiled By: blindcaveman, 20140819

Mindmap-Book: Brief

Mindmap-Book: Brief

  • Cover/1
  • Title Page/5
  • Copyright/6
  • Contents/9
  • Foreword/15
  • Acknowledgments/17
  • Preface/19
  • Part One Awareness: Heightened Awareness wareness in a World Begging for BRIEF/25,
    • Chapter 1 Why Brevity Is Vital/27
      • Get to the Point or Pay the Price/27
      • Executive—Interrupted/29
      • Who’s Responsible for Adapting When the Message Is Not Being Heard?/33
      • Timing Is of the Essence/33
      • BRIEF Balance: The Harmony of Clear, Concise, and Compelling/34
      • A BRIEF Timeout/35
    • Chapter 2 Mindful of Mind-filled-ness/37
      • Brevity Is Like an Instant Stress Release/37
      • Battling Overcapacity/38
      • 1. Information Inundation—The Water’s Rising/39
      • 2. Inattention—The Muscle Is Weakening/41
      • 3. Interruption—The Rate Is Alarming/43
      • 4. Impatience—The Ice Is Thinning/45
      • What Does It All Mean?/46
      • Your New Reality: There’s No Time for a Slow Buildup/46
      • Test Yourself/48
      • Examination of Brevity/48
      • A New Professional Standard/49
    • Chapter 3 Why You Struggle with Brevity: The Seven Capital Sins/51
      • Why Is It So Difficult?/51
      • 1. Cowardice/52
      • 2. Confidence/53
      • 3. Callousness/53
      • 4. Comfort/54
      • 5. Confusion/55
      • 6. Complication/55
      • 7. Carelessness/56
    • Chapter 4 The Big Bang of Brevity/59,
      • A Success Story/59
  • Part Two Discipline: How to Gain Discipline to Be Clear and Concise/65,
    • Chapter 5 Mental Muscle Memory to Master Brevity/67,
      • The Exercise of Brevity/67
    • Chapter 6 Map It: From Mind Mapping to BRIEF Maps/69,
      • Your 11th Grade English Teacher Was Right/69
      • An Outline Is Missing, and So Is the Sale/71
      • Mind Mapping and the Modern Outline/73
      • BRIEF Maps: A Practical Tool for Delivering Brevity/75
      • How a BRIEF Map Can Be Used/76
      • Wrong Approach: Bob Chooses to Share but Not to Prepare/76
      • Right Approach: Bob Prepares a BRIEF Map and Maintains Executive Support/77
      • BRIEF Maps: What’s the Payoff?/81
    • Chapter 7 Tell It: The Role of Narratives/83,
      • I’m Tired of Meaningless and Meandering Corporate Jargon. I’m Ready for a Good Story/83
      • Where’s the Disconnect? When a Story Is Missing/86
      • The Birth of Narrative Mapping: A Way to Organize and Deliver Your Story/88
      • Rediscovery of Narratives and Storytelling: Breaking through the Blah, Blah, Blah/90
      • Listen, I’m Ready for a Story/91
      • Think About Your Audience: Journalism 2.0 and the Elements of a Narrative/93
      • Narrative Map (De)constructed/99
      • Seeing and Hearing Is Believing: The Story of the Evolution of Commerce/100
    • Chapter 8 Talk It: Controlled Conversations and TALC Tracks/105,
      • Risky Business Trip/106
      • Controlled Conversations Are a Game of Tennis, Not Golf/108
      • TALC Tracks—A Structure for Balance and Brevity/108
      • Be Prepared for Anything/110
      • Audience, Audience, Audience/112
    • Chapter 9 Show It: Powerful Ways to Make a Picture Exceed a Thousand Words/115,
      • Show-and-Tell: Which Would You Choose?/115
      • You Can See the Shift/116
      • Seeing Supersedes Reading/117
      • A Visual Language/118
      • Connect an Image with Your Story/120
      • Momentary Magic: Infographics in Business/121
      • Breakdown of Complex Information/122
      • The Age of YouTube and Business/123
      • TL; DR: Too Long; Didn’t Read/125
    • Chapter 10 Putting Brevity to Work: Grainger and the Al and Betty Story/129
  • Part Three Decisiveness: Gaining the Decisiveness to Know When and Where to Be Brief/135,
    • Chapter 11 Meeting You Halfway/137,
      • Defeat the Villains of Meetings/137
      • Meeting Villain #1: Time/138
      • Meeting Villain #2: Type/139
      • Meeting Villain #3: Tyrants/140
      • Change the Format and Tone—Make It a Conversation/142
      • Put BRIEF Back into a Briefing/143
    • Chapter 12 Leaving a Smaller Digital Imprint/147,
      • The Digital Flood/147
      • BRIEF Hall of Fame: Verne Harnish/150
      • From Social Media to Venture Capital/152
      • Social Media Squeeze/154
    • Chapter 13 Presenting a Briefer Case/157,
      • Practicing What You Preach/157
      • The Discipline of Brevity/158
      • Putting the Power Back in PowerPoint/162
      • Training as a TED Talk/163
    • Chapter 14 Trimming Your Sales (Pitch)/167,
      • Shut Up and Sell/167
      • Billboard on a Bumper Sticker/168
      • Time to Be Convincing and Concise/170
      • Cut to the Customer’s Chase/173
    • Chapter 15 Whose Bright Idea Was That Anyway?/177,
      • Your Big Idea/177
      • A Mission-Critical Narrative/178
      • Clear Picture with Radical Focus/181
      • The Entrepreneur’s Dilemma: Mixed Messages/182
      • Tailor Your Pitch to Your Investor’s Needs/185
    • Chapter 16 It’s Never Really Small Talk/189,
      • Brevity as a Conversational Life Raft/189
      • Momentary Misgivings Stall Momentum/190
      • Walk the Walk; Talk the Talk/192
    • Chapter 17 Help Wanted: Master of Brevity/197,
      • Not the Time for Anxious Rambling/197
      • Let Others Lead the Conversation/199
      • Talking Your Way out of a Job Offer/201
    • Chapter 18 I’ve Got Some Good News/207,
      • Pay the Favor of Brevity Forward/207
      • Let the Brilliance Shine Through/208
      • Speak the Language of Success/210
      • Get into the Habit of Saying, “Thank You”/211
    • Chapter 19 And the Bad News Is…/213,
      • The Bright (and Brief) Side of Bearing Bad News/213
      • Give It to Them Straight/214
      • Serving up the S#&$ Sandwich/216
    • Chapter 20 Got-a-Minute Updates/221,
      • The “Say-Do” Ratio/221
      • Be Prepared to Be Lean and Drive Out Wasteful Words/223
      • The Most Important Question: Why Am I Here?/228
  • Resources/243
  • Part Four Being BRIEF Summary and Action Plan/231
  • Notes/245
  • About the Author/249
  • Index/251

MindMap-Bloom’s Taxonomy v2

MindMap-Bloom’sTaxonomyv2

  • 1-Remember
    • Improves the user’s ability to define terms, identify facts, and recall and locate information
    • Define information?
    • Name facts?
    • Recite information?
    • List facts or details?
    • Recall facts or ideas?
    • Locate facts or ideas?
    • Retrieve information?
    • Describe information?
    • Recognize facts or ideas in context?
  • 2-Understand
    • Helps users connect new learning to prior knowledge
    • Summarize facts and ideas?
    • Restate methods or procedures?
    • Interpret relationships?
    • Paraphrase information?
    • Predict consequences?
    • Give examples?
    • Retell information in own words?
    • Retell events?
    • State problem in own words?
    • Explain ideas or concepts?
    • Determine importance?
  • 3-Apply
    • Provides opportunities to implement learned procedures and methods
    • Demonstrate methods and procedures?
    • Carry out procedures?
    • Use ideas or knowledge?
    • Discover a new purpose for skills or knowledge?
    • Employ knowledge in new situations?
    • Experiment with concepts in a different setting?
    • Adjust knowledge for use in a different context?
    • Apply procedures to unique situations?
  • 4-Analyze
    • Improves user’s ability to differentiate between the relevant and irrelevant, determine relationships, and recognize the organization of content by analysis of: Elements (differentiating) Relationships (attributing) Organizational principles (organizing)

      Discriminate fact from hypothesis?
      Distinguish the relevant from irrelevant?
      Observe the structure?
      Select important elements?
      Determine biases?
      Recognize intent?
      Deconstruct content?
      Understand the relationships?
      Organize content?
      Outline content?

  • 5-Evaluate
    • Helps learners make judgments using: Internal evidence (checking) External criteria (critiquing)
    • Check for accuracy?
    • Detect inconsistencies?
    • Monitor effectiveness?
    • Evaluate procedures?
    • Critique soluti ons?
    • Appraise efficiency?
    • Judge techniques?
    • Contrast performance?
    • Check the probability of results?
  • 6-Create
    • Provides opportunities to generate ideas, design plans, and produce products. Planning: production of a plan Producing: derivation of a set of abstract relations
    • Construct designs?
    • Generate possibilities?
    • Compose ideas?
    • Propose hypotheses?
    • Produce solutions?
    • Brainstorm solutions?
    • Design products?
    • Assemble plans?
    • Rearrange operations?
    • Imagine possibilities?
  • Compiled By:
    • blindcaveman.wordpress.com
    • Rigel Arcayan

MindMap-10 Problem Solving Strategies

MindMap-10 Problem Solving Strategies

  • 1. Strategies to help you understand the problem
    • Clarify the problem
    • Identify key elements of the problem
    • Visualize the problem or a relevant process or situation
    • Draw a picture or diagram of the problem or a relevant process or situation
    • Create a model of the problem or a relevant process
    • Imagine being the problem, a key process, or the solution
    • Simulate or act out a key element of the problem
    • Consider a specific example
    • Consider extreme cases
    • Change perspective
    • Consider levels and systems
  • 2. Strategies to help you simplify the task
    • Simplify the problem
    • Solve one part at a time
    • Redefine the problem
  • 3. Strategies to help you determine the cause of the problem
    • Collect information about what happens before, during, and after the problem
    • Organize information into a table, chart, or list and look for a pattern
    • Try to make the problem worse
    • Compare situations with and without the problem
    • Consider multiple causes and interactions
    • Consider non linear effects
  • 4. Strategies involving the use of external aids to help you identify possible solutions
    • Ask someone, especially an expert
    • Seek the answer in written material
    • Use a tool or technology
    • Apply a theory
    • Apply the scientific method
    • Use mathematics
    • Use a formula
  • 5. Strategies involving the use of logic to help you identify possible solutions
    • Reason by analogy in using what you have learned about similar problems
    • Use deductive reasoning
    • Use inductive reasoning
    • Question assumptions
  • 6. Strategies using a possible solution as a starting point to help you solve a problem
    • Guess, check, and adjust
    • Work backward
  • 7. Strategies using a geometry of problem solving
    • Do the opposite of what you have been doing
    • Try a totally different approach
  • 8. Strategies to help you determine which possible solution is best
    • Estimate the likely costs and benefits of possible solutions
    • Choose one or more options to implement
    • Implement the best solutions and collect information about the effects of it
  • 9. Strategies to help you function optimally while problem solving
    • Think of options without immediately evaluating them
    • Set a goal with a purpose you value
    • Avoid distraction
    • Work in a new setting
    • Adjust time limit to optimum
    • Work with someone
    • Create a positive mood with an optimum arousal level
    • Think of the problem as a challenge or opportunity
    • Think confidently
    • Take a break
    • Persist
  • 10. Strategies to help you solve multiple problems
    • Adopt a problem solving orientation
    • Apply triage
    • Solve one problem at a time
  • MTBi Quality Theory
    • MTBi-the number of hours the equipment is running without failure or interrupt
    • Excursion is inversely proportional to MTBi
    • More tool interrups, more likelihood of excursions
    • Qm=MTBi=1/interrrupt=1/failure=1/problem=1/excursion
    • Rm=Reliability Metric
    • Qm=Quality Metric
    • E=Excursion
    • Qm=Rm=1/E
    • E=0
      • 1/interrupt
      • 1/failure
      • 1/problem
    • Qm=Quality Metric
      • OEE
        • Overall Equipment Effeciency, bigger #=better
      • Stop Loss
        • Downtime, smaller #=better
      • M-Ratio
        • Ratio of BM/PM, smaller #=better
      • MTBi
        • Mean Time Between Interrupt/Failure, bigger #=better [hrs]
        • Factors affecting MTBi
          • interrupts
          • failures
          • problems
        • 1/interrupts
          • MTBi is inversely proportional to the # of interrupts
          • the less # of interrupts, the greater is the uptime of the equipment
          • the less interrupt, the better the MTBi metric
        • no failures=no excursions
    • Rm=Reliability Metric
      • f [k-system, subsystem, components, software, procedures, facilities, human factor]
      • f [k]
      • better system performance
      • better subsystem performance
      • better component performance
      • better software performance
      • better procedures
      • better facilities
      • better workforce
      • More reliable equipment
    • How to improve Quality?
    • How to improve Reliability?
    • How to avoid Excursions?
    • Improve MTBi
    • zero interrupt
    • zero failure
    • zero problem
      • 1. Identify Event
      • 2. Identify Problem
      • 3. Identify Failure Mode
      • 4. Identify Failure Effect
      • 5. Identify Failure Mechanism
      • 6. Identify Failure Cause
      • 7. Identify Corrective Actions
      • 8. Implement Corrective Actions
      • 9. Repeat Step1-8
      • FMEA/FTA/FMECA
  • FMEA and DFR
    • Product Requirements
    • Customer Usage
    • Field Data
    • Input
    • Design FMEA
    • Physics of Failure System Analysis Reliability Prediction Robust Design
    • Product/Process Requirements
    • Manufacturing Data
    • Input
    • Process FMEA
    • Volume Manufacturing Process Control Plans
    • Failure Modes
      • Developmental Testing
      • System Testing
      • Process Testing
      • Corrective Action Testing
      • Drives Design Improvements Drives Process Improvements

Mindmap-6StagesOfChange

Mindmap-6StagesOfChange

  • 1. Pre-Contemplation
    • Dialogue
      • “I won’t”, “I can’t”, “I am not ready”
    • Characteristics
      • 1. Usually have no intention of changing
      • 2. Typically deny having the problem
      • 3. Usually seek help because people around them want then to change
      • 4. May resist change
      • 5. May feel demoralized and that their situation is hopeless
    • Coaching Goals
      • 1. What brings this issue to your awareness at this time?
      • 2. What might you gain if you make a change?
      • 3. What values might you honor if you make a change?
      • 4. What are the benefits to the current behavior?
      • 5. What are the risks if you continue the current behavior?
    • Change Process
      • Consciousness raising
      • Social liberation
      • Helping relationships
    • What to do?
      • 1. Personalize the risk
      • 2. Help the client see the problem with continuing the behavior
      • 3. Encourage re-evaluation of current behavior
      • 4. Help clients sort through barriers to change
      • 5. Validate lack of readiness
      • 6. Establish rapport
      • 7. Elicit client’s perception of problem
      • 8. Express concern, keeping door open
  • 2. Contemplation
    • Dialogue
      • “I may”, I am getting ready”
    • Characteristics
      • 1. Acknowledge they have a problem and are beginning to think about what to do
      • 2. Struggled to understand the problem, its causes and potential solutions
      • 3. Not quite ready to change
    • Coaching Goals
      • 1. What are the benefits of changing?
      • 2. What is getting in the way?
      • 3. How might you work with those obstacles?
      • 4. Where could you find the motivation for taking this on?
      • 5. How would this change get you closer to your vision?
      • 6. How is the change aligned with your values?
      • 7. How important is it to make this change?
    • Change Process
      • Consciousness raising
      • Emotional arousal
      • Self re-evaluation
      • Helping relationship
    • What to do?
      • 1. Help clients concretize reasons for changing
      • 2. Help clients articulate a vision of what they want
      • 3. Recognize ambivalence [mixed feelings or emotions]
      • 4. Encourage evaluation of pros and cons of behavior change
      • 5. Assist clients in seeing a connection between the changes they seek and the values they hold
      • 6. Help clients recognize existing strengths
  • 3. Preparation
    • Dialogue
      • “I will”, “I am ready”
    • Characteristics
      • 1. Planning to take action in the next month
      • 2. Making final adjustments before they begin to change behavior
      • 3. They may not yet resolve their ambivalence
    • Coaching Goals
      • 1. What would your life look like in 3 years if you make this change?
      • 2. What would making this change free you up to become?
      • 3. What opportunities would open up for you if you made this change?
      • 4. What is your potential if you change?
      • 5. How could you set yourself up for success?
      • 6. What goals would you like to set?
    • Change Process
      • Self re-evaluation
      • Commitment
      • Helping relationship
    • What to do?
      • 1. Help clients concretize plans for change
      • 2. Help clients brainstorm small steps they can begin to take
      • 3. Discuss potential roadblocks and help them develop strategies in advance
      • 4. Offer menu of options
      • 5. Encourage clients to make public the intended change
      • 6. Enlist social support
  • 4. Action
    • Dialogue
      • “I am”
    • Characteristics
      • 1. Ready to overtly modify behaviors and surroundings
      • 2. Changes are occuring on the level of behaviors, awareness, emotions, thinking etc
    • Coaching Goals
      • 1. What does a typical day look like?
      • 2. What do you love to do?
      • 3. What might get in the way?
      • 4. What motivates you?
      • 5. Who can join you?
      • 6. What kinds of reinforcement or support do you need?
      • 7. What are the benefits of continuing this change?
    • Change Process
      • Reward
      • Countering
      • Environmental control
      • Helping relationships
    • What to do?
      • 1. Recognize and celebrate accomplishments
      • 2. Encourage client to maintain behavior
      • 3. Help client explore and learn from action steps
      • 4. Help client identify next steps
      • 5. Support client build confidence
      • 6. Help client identify long term benefits
      • 7. Help client identify high-risk situation
  • 5. Maintenance
    • Dialogue
      • “I still am”
    • Characteristics
      • 1. The behavior change has become a habit
      • 2. Confident that the new behaviors can be maintained
      • 3. Can last from 6 months to a lifetime
    • Coaching Goals
      • 1. What have you learned along the way?
      • 2. What has helped you the most in making this change?
      • 3. What else might help you keep it going?
      • 4. What strategies will help you stay on track?
    • Change Process
      • Commitment
      • Environmental control
      • Helping relationship
    • What to do?
      • 1. Assist clients in appreciating the value of new behaviors

        2. Link new behaviors to vision of life

        3. Challenge client to continue to set new behavioral goals

        4. If relapse occur, encourage early recognition and rapid responses

        5. Discuss coping with relapse and potentially go back to using skills for preparation and action stages

  • 6. Termination
    • Dialogue
      • “I am free”
    • Characteristics
      • 1. Individuals are not tempted

        2. 100% Self-Efficacy [Capacity or power to produce a desired effect]

        3. Whether depressed, anxious, bored, lonely, angry, or stressed, individuals in this stage are sure they will not return to unhealthy habits as a way of coping

        4. Behavior is now automatic, Example: seatbelt use, you just put it on unconsciously

    • Coaching Goals
    • Change Process
    • What to do?