Simplest Relationship

An action that does not requires much effort yet it is so hard to execute.

Can you try?

Say, “I love you Lord” and mean it.

““Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one. You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might.” ‭‭Deuteronomy‬ ‭6:4-5‬ ‭ESV‬‬
http://bible.com/59/deu.6.4-5.esv

Hurt? You Are Chosen and Precious

Yesterday, a young lady came to me crying and told me that she ended the relationship because the other person was not reciprocating the love that she gave.  There was no exchange of mutual respect and love.  It seems like it was a one-way relationship as she relates some examples.  It’s really hard to get a good picture of the event but all I can do was empathize [I’m not judging].  I deployed my knowledge and skills on empathy [view empathy lesson]  immediately and for good 30 minutes or so gave my  2cents “cheap counsel” with less words and just more of a back rub, silence and prayer.

I gave her the “nice girl syndrome” NGS test and fortunately she does not have it. 

Nice Girl/Guy Syndrome
10 False Beliefs
1. Other people’s feelings and needs are far more important than my own.
2. If I am nice (and fair) to other people, they will be nice (and fair) to me.
3. What other people think about me is more important than my self-esteem, my health, or even my safety.
4. If I am good and perfect, I will be accepted and loved.
5. If I act naive and innocent, people will take care of me and I won’t have to grow up.
6. I don’t have the right to stand up for myself or act on my own behalf.
7. Anger is a destructive emotion and shouldn’t be expressed, especially directly to those with whom you are angry.
8. It is better to avoid conflict at all costs.
9. There is good in everyone, and if you give someone enough chances, he or she will eventually show it to you.
10.Women need men to protect them and support them financially.

But I forgot to mention something to her last night which is the “true counsel”.  

The best counsel not just for her but to anyone and everyone. Psychology can only touch our emotions, spiritual counsel does more than touch our heart.  It touches our spirit.

Pain and hurts in our daily life is not an “end” but a “beginning”. Go with grieving.  Cry to the deepest but then know that you were chosen.

A Living Stone and a Holy People
1 So put away all malice and all deceit and hypocrisy and envy and all slander.
2 Like newborn infants, long for the pure spiritual milk, that by it you may grow up into salvation—
3 if indeed you have tasted that the Lord is good.
4 As you come to him, a living stone rejected by men but in the sight of God chosen and precious,
5 you yourselves like living stones are being built up as a spiritual house, to be a holy priesthood, to offer spiritual sacrifices acceptable to God through Jesus Christ.
6 For it stands in Scripture:  “Behold, I am laying in Zion a stone, a cornerstone chosen and precious, and whoever believes in him will not be put to shame.”
7 So the honor is for you who believe, but for those who do not believe,  “The stone that the builders rejected has become the cornerstone,”
8 and  “A stone of stumbling,  and a rock of offense.” They stumble because they disobey the word, as they were destined to do.
9 But you are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for his own possession, that you may proclaim the excellencies of him who called you out of darkness into his marvelous light.
10 Once you were not a people, but now you are God’s people; once you had not received mercy, but now you have received mercy.
11 Beloved, I urge you as sojourners and exiles to abstain from the passions of the flesh, which wage war against your soul.
12 Keep your conduct among the Gentiles honorable, so that when they speak against you as evildoers, they may see your good deeds and glorify God on the day of visitation. https://www.bible.com/bible/59/1pe.2

Cure for Disagreement – “soft answer” plus Boundaries

“A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.”
‭‭Proverbs‬ ‭15:1‬ ‭ESV‬‬
http://bible.com/59/pro.15.1.esv

There is an outbreak of “degraded family connection” in the entire world. We are surrounded with people who has relationship problems.  Sometimes I wonder what’s going on with the world?  Why now? What is the catalyst?  Is it the internet? Is it the social media?  Is the being away from God?  Is it the nation? Is it culture? Is it gender based?  Is it financial status?

Abundance of the heart
The good person out of the good treasure of his heart produces good, and the evil person out of his evil treasure produces evil, for out of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaks. Luke 6:45

My daughter [23] was showing symptoms of decay in her speech and language and I have to give a 2-minute lecture regarding “good speech” last night.  She still lives with us because she is attending college and we are supporting her educational needs plus rent.  The roof that covers her bed is still from the construction of our original house – meaning, mom and dad still has 99.27% control of her life.  The money in her purse are still coming from mom and dad’s bank account. When she is startled or facing difficulties, my wife informed me that some “unnecessary words” automatically discharges from her mouth and the sound and the tone is not pleasant.  I have not experienced this phenomena with her maybe because I am normally in a peaceful mood most of the time or maybe I just don’t spend time with her.

This is my 2-minute lecture: [summarized version for brevity]
1. This discharges of unpleasant words are symptoms
2. I asked her if has personal problems, the answer is no.
3. I asked her why? I already know the answer – influence from the world.
4. How can you fix the unpleasant mouth? – It is a “heart” problem, the virtual heart and explained the meaning of Luke 6:45.  Any anger expression always comes from the heart.  When our heart is full of anger, it will manifest and comes out in our mouth or actions or expressions.
5. Why this unpleasant mouth pandemic important? Because of the following: It’s a habit and most habits are hard to get rid of when it takes a good foundation inside us.  “It is better to remove the tumor early” than deal with a full body cancer cells later.  When we are angry to the world, we carry the anger inside us and no matter where we are – at work, school, friends, spouse – we silently infect the relationship little by little with poison.  Kept uncheck – it becomes a disagreement then separation of the mind then physical separation.
5. What boundaries are involved when we are angry?  Mostly “emotional boundary”.  We hurt people and we violate their emotional boundaries.

The cure for disagreement is a “soft answer”.  The source of the “soft answer is from the heart.  Fix the heart. [feelings, emotions, views, perceptions etc].

Types of Boundaries [Article]
1. Material boundaries determine whether you give or lend things, such as your money, car, clothes, books, food, or toothbrush.

2. Physical boundaries pertain to your personal space, privacy, and body. Do you give a handshake or a hug – to whom and when? How do you feel about loud music, nudity, and locked doors?

3. Mental boundaries apply to your thoughts, values, and opinions. Are you easily suggestible? Do you know what you believe, and can you hold onto your opinions? Can you listen with an open mind to someone else’s opinion without becoming rigid? If you become highly emotional, argumentative, or defensive, you may have weak emotional boundaries.

4. Emotional boundaries distinguish separating your emotions and responsibility for them from someone else’s. It’s like an imaginary line or force field that separates you and others. Healthy boundaries prevent you from giving advice, blaming or accepting blame. They protect you from feeling guilty for someone else’s negative feelings or problems and taking others’ comments personally. High reactivity suggests weak emotional boundaries. Healthy emotional boundaries require clear internal boundaries – knowing your feelings and your responsibilities to yourself and others.

5. Sexual boundaries protect your comfort level with sexual touch and activity – what, where, when, and with whom.

6. Spiritual boundaries relate to your beliefs and experiences in connection with God or a higher power.

Delete Revenge and Retaliation

I was dealing with heartaches lately, not me personally but a close person to me. I am not a trained counsellor (I fix software and hardware issues and not emotions) so I have to read and research stuff for this type of situation. I discovered these simple principles to fix heartaches.

1. Delete revenge thinking.
2. Do not retaliate
3. Live well (the best revenge). Body, Mind, spirit, finances, work, friends, knowledge etc) 4. Devalue the person offending you
5. Create value within you
6. Continue your journey in life, proving to yourself that your life has meaning and purpose.
7. Share your agony and triumph, you can’t put your life experiences inside a bottle and place it on the shelf. Write a journal, write a book, tell a friend.

“See that no one repays anyone evil for evil, but always seek to do good to one another and to everyone.” ‭‭1 Thessalonians‬ ‭5:15‬ ‭ESV‬‬
http://bible.com/59/1th.5.15.esv

Moment of Joy

Austin Bergstrom International Airport, 20150510 Sunday.

I’m dropping off someone close to me who is currently experiencing a difficulty in life – 2 to be exact. It’s hard to enjoy a 30day international vacation when you are facing an issue.

How do you counsel someone in this situation when all the person talked about is the problem at hand.

Can someone really experience joy in the midst of adversity?

The answer – it depends.

I will not know the answer to this question until I see the person after 30 days.

My parting words:
1. Think “the now”
2. Delete “the yesterday”
3. Don’t think of “the future” which is a surgery (lumpectomy) and the empty home.
4. Be courageous when you come back. Know that people intentionally climbs Mount Everest for no good reason but to satisfy the thirst of thrill. 5. Know that we are here with you.
6. Think that life is like this airport baggage claim carousel, sometimes this place is full of people and sometimes empty. Troubles in life – they come and go. Problems are dynamic in nature, give it a few months or years, it won’t be there anymore. 7. Enjoy the moment, every moment!

“And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body. And be thankful.” ‭‭Colossians‬ ‭3:15‬ ‭ESV‬‬
http://bible.com/59/col.3.15.esv

Effect of Righteousness

No matter what happened or what will happen, stand up for righteousness. All we have left.

“And the effect of righteousness will be peace, and the result of righteousness, quietness and trust forever.” ‭‭Isaiah‬ ‭32:17‬ ‭ESV‬‬
http://bible.com/59/isa.32.17.esv

undo “Zero Social Contact”

Two years ago or so, I declared here in my journal that I will decrease my desire for “social contact” and I did it – diligently. I was happy, content and fulfilled and very peaceful. I would wake up in the morning, get my cup of coffee, put my headphones on, read and meditate and then write something in my journal. Then I go to work, speak less and be quite all day and speak only when spoken to. In the evening, I will exercise for 1 hour, eat, then put my headphones on and listen to Christian music and read until tired and then sleep. On the weekends, I bike for 3-4 hours on Saturday and then swim 2.4 miles on Sunday (without talking to anyone). I did that for many months.

In those times, I learned a lot. I’ve gained the skill of freedom, autonomy and self sufficiency. I learned that one does not really need anyone to be happy and peaceful. I learned that a person can really be at peace without social contact. In fact “social contact” is mostly the root cause of unhappiness. Think for instance how those broken relationships started, it started with a simple connection.

But 4 days ago, my mindset of “zero social contact” changed. I was at the local pool doing my usual 2.4swim when a whisper in my heart says “connection”. I could not comprehend at first why the word “connection” flashes in my mind. I kept swimming until my 2.4 was completed, a total of 1 hour and 20 minutes of thinking about “connection”. When I was done and heading for the showers, I saw this lifeguard who had been watching me for years swim at this local pool. I had 30 seconds to decide to connect before I will pass her position at the poolside which I normally just nod and smile and say goodbye. This time , I changed my goodby routine. I stopped by her lifeguard chair and directly a level 4 question “How many times a person forgives?” She was shocked at first but then in a few minutes she answered my question in a very elaborate way. That moment, we became instant friends.

In our conversation, a topic about connection came up and then she told me about an author named Brene Brown who had done a comprehensive research on connection. I googled the name and then watch her briefly on TED.

I came home, look up my booklist and found “Gift of Imperfection”. In the first few pages, courage, compassion and connection were explained well and how vulnerability and wholehearted are related. I’m not done with the book yet but I want to let you all know that the topic about “vulnerability” is worth investigating.

New ToDo:

I have to undo my “zero social contact” project. I need to connect to people once again because I can’t just love myself, I have to love my neighbor as Apostle Paul mentioned below.

Here’s the link of the book sampler for the Gift of Imperfection.

https://www.hazelden.org/HAZ_MEDIA/2545_GiftsofImperfection.pdf

“For the whole law is fulfilled in one word: “You shall love your neighbor as yourself.””
‭‭Galatians‬ ‭5:14‬ ‭ESV‬‬
http://bible.com/59/gal.5.14.esv