Mindmap-Book Summary-CodepencdencyFor Dummies

Mindmap-Book Summary-CodepencdencyFor Dummies

• About Codependency for Dummies
  • Date Read: February 22, 2014
  • Author: Darlene Lancer
  • ISBN: 978-1-118-26192-7
  • 339 pages
  • MyRating: 5 Stars
• Part I: What is Codependency and Who is Codependent?
• Chapter 1: When Relationships Hurt
  • What Is Codependence?
    • “Codependency is a pattern of painful dependence upon compulsivebehaviors and approval of others to find safety self-worth and identity. Recovery is possible
  • Facing the Problem 33
    • Codependency is real and painful

      Codependency is insidious and powerful. It robs you of joy peaceof mind and the ability to have sustained loving relationships. Itaffects your relationship with yourself and with others in somecases all your relationships and sometimes only one person — aspouse or romantic partner a parent sibling or child or someoneat work. Ask yourself if your relationships feed you or drain you

      Codependents live with a high degree of shame stress and reactivity.They suppress their feelings or explode and have behaviorsthat stem from fear guilt and the need to control others. Thislimits flexibility in the relationship and the flow of communication.Often codependent relationships involve emotional or physicalabuse and addiction. Even when that’s not the case codependentsfeel trapped and unhappy because they give up themselves bydenying or suppressing their needs and feelings and fear beingalone or rejected. To cope they sometimes disregard what’s actuallyhappening in the present. Problems with intimacy and communicationarise due to confusion about personal boundariesand responsibilities to themselves and others. Instead of bringingcouples closer frequently communication is avoided or used tomanipulate and leads to conflict

      Codependents feel uncomfortable being themselves. They develop a persona in the world that reacts to others to their own selfcriticism and to their imagined ideal of who they should be. To beacceptable to others and to themselves they hide who they are and Who is Codependent?and become who they aren’t. Shame due to earlier trauma concealstheir real core self which they can’t access. Many codependentsaren’t even aware of how self-critical they are yet they suffer“tyranny of the shoulds ” a phrase coined by Horney. Even thoughyou may not relate to this it still may be operating beneath yourconscious awareness.

  • 4-Selves
    • 1. Real Self
    • 2. Shame Based Critic
    • 3. Persona
    • 4. Perfect Self
  • The Stages of Codependency and Recovery 34
    • Counselors treating alcoholic families considered codependencyto be a chronic disease like other addictions (see Chapter 2) because they observed that codependency was progressive.Addiction counselors noticed that the addicts’ spouses showedprogressively worsening symptoms that paralleled those of alcoholics.In the later stages both had serious mental and or physicalproblems. Left untreated codependency spiraled downward 35
  • 3 Stages of Codependency 34
    • Stage 1-Early stage of codependencyand recovery 35
      • The early stage of codependency begins by becoming attached tosomeone and ends with unhealthy dependency on him or her. Inrecovery the early stage ends with starting to reclaim yourself 35

        The disease process 35

        • You may be attracted to a needy person or be overly involved witha family member and naturally want to help or please him or her.Gradually you become increasingly emotionally dependent uponand obsessed with that person to the extent that you lose focus onyourself and start to give up personal friends and activities. 35

        The recovery process 35

        • You begin coming out of denial (see Chapter 5) which means yousquarely confront the problem and acknowledge reality — a prerequisiteto changing it. This shift may be inspired by someoneelse’s recovery by reading this book or more likely it’s triggeredan event — a wakeup call referred to as hitting bottom — thatmakes change imperative. Instead of ignoring or minimizing thefacts you recognize them as difficult and painful but true. Youdon’t have to like them but you see them as they are. 35

        Table 1-1 Early Stage of Codependency and Recovery 36

    • Stage 2-Middle stage of codependencyand recovery 36
      • The important middle stage of codependency is where denial painfulemotions and obsessive-compulsive behavioral patterns areprevalent. You increase attempts to control while feeling more outof control. When in recovery you reclaim independence balance and greater peace of mind. 36

        The disease process 36

        • Without support denial and isolation continue and problemsget worse. You may minimize and hide from yourself and otherspainful aspects of your relationship and withdraw from outsideactivities and friends. Meanwhile your obsession with the relationshipor addiction and accompanying anxiety resentment andguilt increase. You do more to help enable and control the otherperson or the addiction and may even take over his or her responsibilities. 36

          As mood swings and conflict increase some codependents turn to drugs food spending or other addictivebehavior to cope. 36

        The recovery process 36

        • The middle stage is where most of the work of recovery takesplace. You begin to practice nonattachment and grasp your powerlessnessover others and your addiction. (See Chapter 9.) As thefocus on yourself grows so do self-responsibility self-awareness and self-examination which are part of psychotherapy as well asTwelve Step programs. 36

          AA emphasizes that an alcoholic’s successis based upon rigorous self-honesty as the key to recovery. This isalso true for codependents and one of the 12 steps of CoDA whichare derived from AA. Blaming others and external circumstancesdenies your power to effect change and achieve happiness. Evenif you’re a victim of abuse you find the power to change yourcircumstances when the center of control shifts from the perpetratorto yourself. Self-examination also includes working throughchildhood issues that may have led to your codependency 36

          Although insight about your behavior is necessary it’s insufficientfor change. Decisions actions and risk-taking are required duringthe middle stage

          They happen when you’reready and can’t be forced. It’s hard to change even when you knowthings would improve — like taking a better job or moving to adesirable area — but taking risks where the outcome is uncertainrequires courage — courage to venture from discomfort that’sfamiliar into new territory. This is one reason why support isessential.

          During the middle stage you make new friends participate inoutside activities and develop the ability to be assertive and setboundaries. (See Chapters 11 and 14.) As you become more emotionallyindependent you take better care of yourself and reactivity enabling and controlling behavior diminish.

        Table 1-2 Middle Stage of Codependency and Recovery

    • Stage 3-Late stage of codependencyand recovery
      • In the late stage of codependency and recovery the contrastbetween disease and health are most pronounced. The untreatedcodependent’s world has significantly narrowed and his or herlevels of health and functioning have severely declined while therecovered codependent’s world has expanded to include greaterrisk-taking relationships and new goals.

        The disease process

        • As the disease progresses anger and conflicts are more common and self-esteem and self-care further decline. Hopelessness emptiness and depression prevail. The chronic stress of codependencymanifests in new symptoms such as stress-related health problems(see Chapter 3) and new or more advanced obsessive-compulsivebehaviors and addictions. These behaviors and addictions mayinclude regularly monitoring the addict enabling cleaning house dieting overeating having affairs exercising spending or usinglegal or illegal drugs.

        The recovery process

        • In the late stage of recovery your self-esteem and confidencereturn. You’re empowered to pursue your own goals and are moreexpansive creative and spontaneous. (See Chapter 17.) You desireto fully express yourself for the sheer joy and freedom of it. Asyour focus shifts away from someone outside yourself you fullyunderstand that your happiness doesn’t depend upon others andyou no longer have a desperate need to be in a relationship. Atthe same time you’re more desirous and capable of authentic intimacy.(See Chapter 16.)

        Table 1-1 Early Stage of Codependency and Recovery 36

        Table 1-2 Middle Stage of Codependency and Recovery

        Table 1-3 Late Stage of Codependency and Recovery

  • Goals of Recovery
    • The overall goal of recovery is to become a full-functioning individual.That entails knowing valuing trusting and freely expressingyourself congruently with your feelings and values. To that aim thisbook addresses objectives with respect to your thoughts feelings actions and self-esteem as listed in this section. Consider trackingyour progress as you work through the coming chapters and continueto grow in recovery. Add your own goals as you go along
  • How you think
    • The first priority is to heighten your awareness and open up yourthinking and understanding about codependency and addictionand how each has and continues to affect your family and yourlife. Specific cognitive goals include understanding your separatenessfrom others letting go and giving others the dignity to beresponsible for themselves while taking responsibility for yourself.Ongoing goals are developing awareness of your thoughts rationalizations values beliefs needs and behavior and gettinga handle on your obsessive repetitive worries and negative selftalk.
  • 15 Strategies – Understanding Codependency
    • 1. Understanding addiction and your family dynamics
    • 2. Understanding how addiction may have affected you
    • 3. Coming out of denial
    • 4. Accepting your powerlessness over addiction
    • 5. Understanding and practicing the concept of nonattachment
    • 6. Becoming aware of separateness between yourself and others
    • 7. Gaining awareness of thoughts
    • 8. Judgments of self and others
    • 9. Worries and fears
    • 10. Rationalizations
    • 11. Fantasies and obsessions
    • 12. Gaining awareness of your needs and how to meet them
    • 13. Gaining awareness of beliefs and values
    • 14. Testing your thoughts and beliefs against reality
    • 15. Developing decision-making skills
  • 4 Codependent behavior
    • 1. Pleasing
    • 2. Manipulating
    • 3. Controlling
    • 4. Enabling
  • What you feel
    • Because either you weren’t taught to name your feelings or yourchildhood environment prevented their free expression it’s likelythat you’re not often aware of your feelings

      Having emotion is different.

      Codependents can cry and rage but aren’t able to name afeeling or know why they’re upset

      Typically codependents feelguilty for other people’s negative feelings and think other peoplemake them feel guilty or angry.

      Taking responsibility for yourfeelings and not those of others is a gradual but essential learningprocess.

      Important goals are to be able to identify name andexpress your feelings openly

      This latter step may be disturbing ifyou’re not used to crying or feeling vulnerable but this is a healthypart of healing.

      People who are overwhelmed with feelings need tocontain and understand them. Down the line you want to be ableto appropriately express your feelings to others

  • 13 Goals about your feelings
    • 1. Replacing despair with hope
    • 2. Gaining awareness and acceptance of feelings about you yourwork and people in your life
    • 3. Being able to name and accept your feelings
    • 4. Journaling feelings
    • 5. Connecting thoughts needs feelings and actions
    • 6. Distinguishing your feelings from others
    • 7. Taking responsibility for your feelings
    • 8. Not taking responsibility for other people’s feelings
    • 9. Sharing feelings in a group or with a therapist
    • 10. Taking charge of your anger
    • 11. Grieving your losses
    • 12. Sharing my feelings in safe personal relationships
    • 13. Being able to soothe yourself when you have negative feelings
  • Your self-esteem
    • Your self-esteem reflects how you feel about yourself. It enhances orimpairs your relationships professional success your moods andsense of well-being. Replacing shame and low self-esteem with selfrespectand self-worth is the cornerstone of recovery
  • Pursuing all of the goals outlined in this chapter improves yourself-esteem
  • What you say
    • Practicing assertive communication improves your relationshipsand also builds self-esteem.
  • 11 Self Esteem Objectives
    • 1. Confronting negative self-talk
    • 2. Healing shame
    • 3. Being kind to yourself
    • 4. Taking responsibility for your actions
    • 5. Affirming yourself
    • 6. Accepting yourself
    • 7. Reducing guilt and forgiving yourself
    • 8. Meeting your needs
    • 9. Sharing in Twelve Step meetings and in therapy
    • 10. Trusting and loving yourself
    • 11. Nurturing and giving yourself pleasure
  • 7 Communication Goals
    • 1. Being honest and direct
    • 2. Making “I” statements
    • 3. Taking positions
    • 4. Becoming aware of abusive communication
    • 5. Setting boundaries and saying “No”
    • 6. Being able to problem-solve in your relationships (see
    • 7. Handling conflict
  • What you do
    • There’s a maxim in AA: “Take action and the feelings will follow.”Your thoughts and feelings determine how you behave but actionsalso change your mood and feelings. Reading about and understandingcodependency and how you came to be codependent areimportant but taking risks and behaving differently actualizes yourunderstanding and changes you. Taking action doesn’t mean jumpingin to “fix” everyone’s problem. That complicates matters andprevents things from working themselves out naturally. There’sanother — almost opposite saying in Al-Anon the Twelve Step programfor families of alcoholics: “Don’t just do something sit there.”It requires courage and strength to do the opposite of what youordinarily do and to refrain from habitual behavior. Action goalsinclude communicating differently and setting boundaries
  • 13 Action goals
    • 1. Journaling
    • 2. Attending Twelve Step meetings and or counseling
    • 3. Not enabling
    • 4. Practicing nonattachment
    • 5. Minding your own business
    • 6. Creating a spiritual practice
    • 7. Developing interdependent behavior
    • 8. Developing hobbies and interests
    • 9. Taking action to meet your needs
    • 10. Setting and pursuing goals
    • 11. Trying and discovering new activities
    • 12. Building supportive relationships
    • 13. Reaching out when you’re in pain
• Chapter 2: A New Definition of Codependency
  • Clinicians like labels in order to talk about and study an illness.It helps them identify symptoms utilize tested treatments and understand the origin of a disorder. It also spawns research.

    and make people feel badly about themselves! Codependentsespecially already feel badly about themselves! They already feelashamed or deficient. On the other hand the benefit of a definitionis that when you clarify and can name a problem you know whereto go for help and how to approach treatment. Your situation has aname . . . and hopefully a solution. A diagnosis enables you to takeresponsibility for your problems. Once identified you’re able tofind others who share your experience and provide information tools and support. Instead of wandering around a store looking atthings to buy you can head directly to the department that has theanswers you need.

    Defining Codependency

    The Core of Codependency — A Lost Self

    • an identifiable addict and whether or not the person lives alone ortries to control someone else’s behavior. My definition cuts to thecore of codependency: A lost Self which includes addicts as wellas many of those who love them

      A codependent is a person who can’t function from his or herinnate self and instead organizes thinking and behavior around asubstance process or other person(s).

      A process is an activity. For example it may be gambling sex shopping or working. Although this definition includes people addictedto substances and processes sobriety or abstinence from theprocess must be obtained before tackling the underlying codependence.(In some cases such as working and eating abstinence maymean moderation within certain guidelines.)

    Codependency and addicts

    • Addicts by definition are dependent. They become dependent andreliant upon the object of their addiction in order to function andmore time is spent in connection with the addiction. When addictsabstain many develop cross-addictions. To witness cross-addictionfirst hand you only have to attend an Alcoholics Anonymous (AA)meeting to see how many people are smoking. Sober alcoholicsstart chain smoking overeating developing sex addictions and soon. Some food addicts who’ve had bariatric surgery to lose weighteat less but become alcoholics or shopaholics.

      There are many causes for addiction but neuroscience researchhas demonstrated that when addicts stop practicing their primaryaddiction and adopt another addiction it is at just the same levelof addiction. For example when a compulsive gambler abstainsfrom gambling he or she’s at risk to start drinking as if he or shewere an alcoholic all those years. Aside from physical reasons onthe emotional level he or she hasn’t done the emotional recoverywork to heal his or her lost Self. This is where codependencycomes in.

      When addicts give up their addiction they then have to deal withtheir emotions. Instead many who are single want to rush intoromance (jokingly called “13th stepping” in AA). They’re squarelyconfronted with all the relationship and intimacy problems thatthey’ve avoided. There are those who sponsor newcomers andtry to manage the newcomer’s life and even obsess about him orher. Again the underlying problem of codependency is surfacing.Sometimes it’s years before they’re willing to face their codependencyissues if ever which can contribute to relapse

    Women and codependency

    • Biological
      • Women are biologically wired for relationships.Their deep limbic systems increase their ability to bond andtheir sensitivity to feelings. Under stress men prepare menfor action while women’s hormones prepare them to tend tochildren and befriend others
    • Developmental (gender identity):
      • Generally girls are moredependent upon and emotionally involved with their parents.For them loss of a relationship is their biggest stressor.They’re more accepting of parental values and a separationthat threatens the emotional attachment with their parentscreates anxiety. Autonomy is their biggest challenge. Unlikegirls boys must separate from their mothers and identify withtheir fathers in order to establish their male identities. Formales intimacy is a challenge.
    • Political
      • Universally women have been subordinated to menand marginalized from access to equal money rights andpower. Oppression for generations has made women morecompliant. This continues today. They’re traumatized byphysical and sexual abuse far more than men which lowerstheir self-esteem.
    • Cultural
      • In most cultures girls are more restricted and haveless opportunity for autonomy. Both hormones and societalnorms encourage adolescent boys to be more rebellious andautonomous. They’re given more freedom and are willing tostruggle for it.
    • Societal
      • Women suffer from low self-esteem and depressionfar more than men. It’s not clear whether this is a cause byproduct or concurrent with codependency; however societalattitudes are a contributing cause. A Dove study found thatover 40 percent of women are unhappy with their looks andover two-thirds suffer low confidence about their bodies. Manyblamed the airbrushed ideal models for setting unrealistic

    What Codependency Is Not

    • It’s important to note that any definition of codependency mayinclude people who have one or more other mental disorders;for example obsessive-compulsive disorder attention deficitdisorder bi-polar disorder and or personality disorders such asnarcissistic dependent or borderline. They require diagnosis todetermine the most appropriate care. Specific treatment is beyondthe scope of this book. Diagnosis should be left to a professional and mind-bending time spent diagnosing someone close to you —a common codependent activity — would be better spent workingon yourself

      Codependency is also not caregiving kindness or interdependency

      I’ve heard people complain that they were labeled “codependent”because they were taking care of a sick relative or helping someone

      Codependent behavior in a specific situation doesn’t make a personcodependent

    Caretaking vs. caregiving

    • Many people particularly women enjoy nurturing and caring forothers. Some make it a profession me included. Mothers are wiredto care for their children.

      Codependent caretaking is different fromgiving care to someone. In fact with codependency there may bemore “taking” than giving when the needs of the giver take precedence

      This is because caregiving comes from abundance andcaretaking emanates from need and deprivation. When does caregivingbecome codependent caretaking?

      Codependents give until it hurts

    Pleasing vs. kindness

    • It’s certainly natural and satisfying to be helpful and kind to others.However codependent pleasing emanates from low self-esteem —more to get than give. Many codependents don’t have a choice! Theycan’t say no. As with care-giving it’s not so much the actions thatdetermine codependency but the pleaser’s state of mind. The essentialquestion is whether you are giving from a place of self-esteem orfrom guilt fear or insecurity

    Codependency vs. interdependency

    • When it comes to relationships whether the dynamics are codependentor healthy interdependency may not be apparent at first.The following are the extremes so you get the idea. Most relationshipsfall somewhere in between

    Relationship hell

    • Although from the outside a codependent couple may look physically intellectually and financially independent in reality thereare two emotionally dependent and insecure adults. Rather thanequality and respect there’s a power imbalance and or powerstruggles. One person may anticipate the other’s needs and thenfeel guilty anxious or resentful about it. They’re not just affectedby each other; they react to and feel responsible for each other’sfeelings and moods. They directly or indirectly try to control theother in order to get their needs met. They feel less free in the relationshipand fear both intimacy and separateness which threatentheir insecure selves

    Relationship heaven

    • Attachment normally develops in intimate relationships. When twopeople love each other it’s natural for them to want to be togetherand to miss and be concerned about one another. Over time theirlives and routines become intertwined. They enjoy helping andencouraging each other. They need depend upon and are affectedby one another but are equals and take responsibility for theirown lives as well as their contribution to the relationship. Theirlives are interdependent. They don’t fear intimacy and independenceis not seen as a threat to the relationship. In fact the relationshipgives them each more freedom. They respect and supporteach other’s personal goals but are committed to the relationship
• Chapter 3: Characteristics of Codependents
  • Everyone has wounds; some people have a lot more thanothers. As a codependent you have your share of wounds.You may be afraid to get close afraid to be alone afraid of beinghurt afraid of being controlled afraid of being judged. These areyour wounded places. You don’t realize this or that deep down you don’t believe you matter. Sadly your wounds make youashamed of who you are — of being human — so you hide themfrom others even from yourself. This is your denial

    6 Codependency Characteristics

    • 1. Low Self-Esteem
      • Table 3-1 Signs of High and Low Self-Esteem
        • High Self-Esteem
          • Know you’re okay
          • Know you have value and matter
          • Feel competent
          • Exhibit honesty and integrity
          • Trust yourself
          • Display self-acceptance
          • Show responsibility to self andothers
          • Are hopeful
          • Respect and compassion for selfand others
        • Low Self-Esteem
          • Feel not enough; compare andimprove self
          • Lack self-worth and value
          • Need others’ approval; ask others’opinion
          • Feel indecisive; defer to agreewith and please others
          • Doubt self; feel disconnected fromneeds and wants
          • Are critical of self and others; aresensitive to criticism
          • Discount own feelings wants andneeds
          • Lack confidence and self-efficacy
          • Lack self-respect and selfcompassion

        As a codependent you probably have low self-esteem

        You maybelieve you’re never enough that you’re not doing enough attractive enough smart enough or good enough

        You may baseyour self-worth on money beauty prestige or by excelling atsomething — even being a great parent — yet none of this is selfesteem.

        How will you feel about yourself if you lose your money looks prestige or if your child becomes a drug addict?

        self-esteem based upon performing well if your actions are motivatedby a desire to win others’ approval or recognition — thusthe expression “You’re only as good as your last performance.”

        You’d be seeking “other” esteem.

        you may think highly of yourself not realizing it’s all based onthese externals

        are typically disconnected from themselves you may not trust yourself and may lack the ability to knowor follow inner guidance

        You may be confused or unable to makeup your mind always asking someone else’s opinion

        You maynot know what you really want and defer to others in order to beliked and loved

        When you know your needs and desires you maydismiss or talk yourself out of them or go along with someone toavoid conflict — especially in intimate relationships

        Low self-esteem can make you super-critical so that you find faultwith just about anything concerning yourself — how you feel act look and what you need think say or create

        You may even hateand loathe yourself.

        you probably don’t realizethe extent of your self-judgment.

        It makes you sensitive to criticismand even feel criticized when you’re not.

        When you receive praise attention compliments or gifts you’re embarrassed and makeexcuses because you don’t feel deserving

        Being self-critical alsomakes you critical of others.

        Don’t be discouraged. There’s hope. Your self-esteem is learned and poor self-esteem can be transformed into self-worth

        Self-esteem reflects your real opinion of yourself — deep down.

        It’s a self-appraisal

        Your self-esteem may be high or low but isn’tbased on what others think

        Instead of Self-esteem (a capital “S” toemphasize self-evaluation) codependents look to others for theirvalue and validation

        Other people and things make them feel goodor bad

        You can say that codependents are “other defined.”

        You know how it feels to complete a difficult project win a competition or just have a great day with your friends. People withhigh self-esteem feel that way most of the time. Usually people feeldown when they’re reprimanded by their boss have a financialsetback or become ill but these feelings are transient and don’treflect true Self-esteem positive or negative. Good self-esteemdoesn’t vary significantly with external events. You won’t feel badabout yourself when bad things happen because they’re externaland not a reflection of your essential Self. You know that you havethe resources to recover. But when people with low self-esteemsuffer loss or disappointment they feel defeated.

    • 2. Internalized shame
      • Whereas self-esteem comes from your thoughts shame is a painfulfeeling of humiliation and self-disgust

        When others are around you may feel exposed and alienated like they can see your flaws

        It makes you want to hide and become invisible. Everyone hasshame including people with high self-esteem who generally feelgood about themselves.

        Shame is healthy when it prevents youfrom doing something you consider unethical

        Physical signs ofshame are:

        • Avoiding eye contact
        • Withdrawing
        • Freezing
        • Perspiring
        • Slumping your shoulders
        • Hanging your head
        • Dizziness
        • Nausea

        Normally shame passes after an embarrassing incident but forcodependents shame is internalized. It sits there waiting to beactivated and persists long after the event like an open woundthat has never healed.

        You’re ashamed of who you are. It’s all pervasive paralyzes spontaneity and defines you.

        You don’t believethat you matter or are worthy of love respect success or happiness.You think that you’re bad defective inadequate a phony a failure or worse.

        Chronic internalized shame leads to hopelessnessand despair.

        Extreme prolonged shaming and humiliation cancause psychic numbing like becoming a living zombie

        Table 3-2 Core Codependent Feelings

        • Low Self-Esteem
          • You Lack:
          • Self-confidence
          • Self-trust
          • Selfresponsibility
          • Self-efficacy(agency)
          • Self-respect
          • Self-value worth
        • Shame
          • You Feel:
          • Unworthiness
          • Unlovable
          • Unimportant
          • Undeserving
          • Self-loathing
          • Judgmental
        • Fear
          • You Fear:
          • Abandonment
          • Rejection
          • Criticism
          • Failure andsuccess
          • Intimacy
          • Own power
        • Guilt andBlame
          • You FeelGuilt About:
          • Your feelings
          • Your acts andneeds
          • Others’ feelings
          • Others’ acts
          • Others’ needs
          • Others’ problems
    • 3. Pleasing — the pretzel dilemma
      • There are codependents who turn themselves inside out to accommodateothers

        They’re not centered in themselves and desperatelywant others to validate them like them love them or atleast need them.

        If that’s you you want other esteem so much thatyou try to turn yourself into a human pretzel in order to please accommodate and win someone else’s approval.

        You feel anxiousif others are unhappy with you and you give their needs feelings and opinions precedence over your own. In fact you silence sometimes even to yourself your own needs feelings thoughts opinions and values to become what you believe is expected ordesired by someone else especially in romantic relationships —where the rubber meets the road.

        You try to fit in be perfect benice look good be responsible do well and take care of others further hiding your wounds your shame and your pain. When youfeel extremely insecure you may mimic other’s actions and feelingsor pretend to feel and behave the way you assume anotherperson wants.

        The more you look outward in order to measure how you shouldfeel think and behave the greater is the estrangement from yourinner Self and the stronger is the need and addiction to somethingor someone just as an addict takes a drug to fill the emptinesscreated by the separation from the Self. Pleasing gives only temporaryrelief and builds a need for more until the attraction to that“other” becomes an addiction.

    • 4. Guilt
      • Guilt is different from shame.

        Whereas shame is a bad feelingyou have about yourself as a person guilt is a feeling about whatyou’ve said or done that violates your personal standards a law or ethical principle such as hurting someone

        For codependents guilt is hard to let go of and gets compounded when it taps in tounderlying feelings of shame.

        You may feel guilty “I shouldn’t havedone that ” followed by shame “I’m so selfish (or a loser etc.).”

        Example: David made mistake on a client’s tax return. He hadn’t submitted it to the client or the IRS but David was so guilt-ridden and angry at himself thathe couldn’t wait until Monday to correct the error. He interrupteda family outing to go to his office. His unhealthy guilt robbed himof peace of mind because it triggered internalized shame.

        Feelings are part of our humanity but codependents feel guilty andashamed about them.

        You judge your feelings and tell yourself youshouldn’t feel the way you do — feeling guilty when you’re angryor thinking there’s something wrong with you when you’re sad ordepressed.

        You wonder what’s normal. You review prior eventsand conversations and blame yourself for perceived “mistakes.”

        Figure 3-1 shows the Self shrouded by the negative thoughts andemotions of codependency. Notice the broken boundary.

        Example: Susan was dating someone new. Each week in therapy she’d detailwhat happened and what was said during their previous date.She’d conclude with “So what do you think?” She wanted to knowif she’d said or done anything “wrong ” and what the man may bethinking about the relationship. Her focus was on adapting herselfto win him in order to complete her deficient Self

    • 5. Real Self Broken Boundaries
      • Low Self-Esteem
        • I don’t like myself
        • I can’t do that.
        • I don’t trust myself
        • I don’t know what to do
        • don’t like attention
        • I don’t know what I want
      • Fear
        • What if I’m all alone?
        • What if I’m rejected?
        • What if I lose myself in someone else?
        • What if I fail?
        • What if I’m judged?
        • What if I get hurt?
        • Love hurts.
      • Shame
        • I’m a failure
        • I don’t matter
        • I’m unlovable
        • I don’t deserve happiness
        • I’m a bad person
        • I’m a phoney
        • I’m defective
      • Guilt
        • I should do more.
        • I should try harder.
        • It’s all my fault.
        • I made a mistake.
        • I’m sorry.
    • 6. Perfectionism
      • Perfectionism — when nothing’s good enough

        “Perfection” doesn’t exist in the world but only in the mind of aperfectionist. It’s an illusory standard that’s always out of reach

        As a perfectionist you never know what’s good enough. You’re always failing in your mind. Ongoing self-comparison to ideal standardscreate continual self-judgment and self-shaming — not onlyfor a specific behavior but of yourself as a person. As with David the accountant in the above example compulsive actions in pursuitof perfection defend against these feelings

        The combination of shame guilt and perfectionism is especiallyself-defeating when you seek love from someone who’s unable tolove or can give it only sporadically. You try harder to be perfectto earn love and prove that you’re good or lovable in order to validateyour self-esteem and quell your inner feelings of shame.

        Some codependent high achievers try to prove their worththrough accomplishments. Their compulsion is driven by internalizedshame that they’re flawed. An A student who obsesses over anA- on a test or that he missed a question is a perfectionist drivenby shame. Others don’t try to achieve because they think they’rehopeless failures. Students who believe shaming messages thatthey’re lazy failures or stupid are unable to excel in school

        Another example is a woman whose appearance must always be“perfect.” Even her home must be spotless. Her personal shameis projected onto her environment which she sees as a reflectionof her intolerable flawed Self. Something chipped dusty or out ofplace can create painful anxiety which she can stem only by fixingit rather than fixing her feelings about herself

    Dysfunctional Boundaries

    • Boundaries are part of an expression of self-esteem. They definewhere you end and others begin and set limits between you andothers allowing you to embody your individual Self.

      Awareness of boundaries both protects you from others and prevents youfrom violating others’ boundaries. They are learned growing upwhen parents protect and respect your boundaries and teach younot to invade others’. If you weren’t taught you won’t recognizewhen you’re being inappropriate and if your parents invaded yourboundaries it feels natural when others do

      Having healthy boundariesbegins with getting to know yourself and your feelings andlimits.

    4 Types of Boundaries

    • 1. Physical and sexual boundaries
      • whom and when you allow someone to enter your space or touchyou. When children are denied a right of privacy or control overtheir bodies their physical boundaries are violated. You can geta sense of people’s boundaries by how close they stand to you whether they offer a handshake hug or kiss. If you pull awayand they persist then you know that they’re not respecting yourboundaries and that theirs are different than yours. Another exampleis someone who telephones at inappropriate hours or launchesinto a one-sided monologue without sensitivity to the listener.Yet the listener in by not setting limits also lacks boundaries.Boundaries can change in different relationships as shown in thefollowing example.
    • 2. Material boundaries
      • Material boundaries refer to sharing your possessions and money.People without boundaries give and loan without discretion.Taking or borrowing money or belongings without permission orwithout returning them also shows a lack of respect for others’boundaries.
    • 3. Mental boundaries
      • Mental boundaries apply to opinions and beliefs and whether youcan formulate and hold on to your own when challenged withoutbecoming rigid or dogmatic which would indicate inflexibleboundaries. If as a child you were denied the right to think foryourself make your own decisions or have your ideas and opinionsrespected then you may not know what you think or believe. If youexpress an opinion and become confused lose hold of it in an argument or become very angry you may be reacting from your pastwhen parents dismissed criticized or silenced your views
    • 4. Emotional boundaries
      • Emotional boundaries are subtle and difficult to understand. Theydefine your emotional rights and responsibilities and separateyour feelings from others. People with healthy emotional boundariesdon’t lose themselves in intimate relationships

    2 Strengths of Boundaries

    • 1. Rigid boundaries
      • If your boundaries are rigid or thick for self-protection you end uplonely out of fear because you haven’t learned to protect yourself

        You’re distant and seem invulnerable and your relationships lacksharing and are full of inflexible rules

        You may isolate socially oruse work addiction or activities to avoid intimacy — sometimesonly being intimate during sex. You may erect self-protective wallsof silence anger distrust and cynicism about people and life. Rigidboundaries create problems for others who aren’t allowed get close

        Your body language tells people to stay away like a wounded animalthat withdraws in self-protection because it feels vulnerable. If yourfamily lacked closeness or touching or had negative rules about selfexpression then you may have learned to have rigid boundaries

        Rigid boundaries can also be a reaction to trauma.

    • 2. Broken and mixed boundaries
      • If you have broken boundaries you have limits some of the time in certain situations or with certain people.

        You may have goodboundaries but lose them under stress or be able to set limitswith friends but not with authority figures.

        You may have goodboundaries or even distant rigid boundaries with your mate but areenmeshed with a child to whom you give too much or try to control.

        When your boundaries are mixed you flip from weak to rigidboundaries after feeling hurt

        If you get close too quickly you maylose interest or feel uncomfortable because you’re afraid of intimacy and then boomerang to being alone.

        If you’re in recoveryand begin to have healthier boundaries when you’re with yourfamily you can start to feel crazy and confused.

        You can be havinga hard time holding on to your fragile new sense of Self.

    15 Signs You Are Needing Someone Too Much

    • 1. Excessive thinking worrying or talking about someone
    • 2. Valuing others’ opinions over your own
    • 3. Difficulty making decisions on your own
    • 4. Often giving up plans hobbies or interests to be with someone
    • 5. Fear of being left or rejected
    • 6. Feeling unhappy empty or discontent being with yourself
    • 7. Fear of being alone
    • 8. Inability to go places or start projects on your own
    • 9. Adapting to others’ tastes or point of view
    • 10. Following researching or snooping on someone
    • 11. Feeling unhappy or trapped in a relationship you can’t leave
    • 12. Seeking relationships for happiness power meaning security or excitement
    • 13. Focusing your energy on someone else’s problem or life
    • 14. Feeling loyal to someone who’s hurting you
    • 15. Unable to let go or get over losses and break-ups

    You may not have spent time alone to get to know and developyourself and formulate your own opinions and goals. 0

    You’re usuallylooking for someone to make you happy if you’re single andwhen you’re in a relationship you focus on making that someonehappy in neither case taking the time to make yourself happy 0

    You’re rarely content with yourself and become overly invested inpleasing or helping someone else whom you begin to depend uponto fill in gaps in your Self. 0

    Soon you’re reacting to and controlledby that person’s feelings needs and moods so you try to controlthe other person rather than honor your needs and feelings 0

    Please don’t leave 0

    • Fears of being left rejected or being alone play a big role in dependentrelationships. Some codependents can’t sleep alone. If you’redisconnected from yourself you won’t feel complete. You won’thave an inner life to sustain and nurture you and being alone canfeel empty — like no one’s home. If you’re unable to meet yourneeds you hope that someone else will. Relationships add to yourlife but can’t fix what’s missing inside. You can feel just as lonely ina relationship and once attachment bonds take hold dependencyon the relationship turns into addiction 0

      Abandonment in early childhood can produce shame low selfesteem and insecurity about whether you’re loved and cared for and whether you can count on it in the future 0

      Abandonment needn’t be an actualleaving due to death or divorce but may be emotional as whensomeone isn’t present emotionally or withholds love or attention 0

      Emotional abandonment also leads to feelings fears and perceptionof rejection and contributes to codependency in adult relationships 0

      When fear of abandonment is pervasive you feel that you’re neverenough and unworthy of love. You hide your flaws try to pleaseand accommodate your partner walk on egg shells tolerate abuse make yourself needed and become a human pretzel — all to avoidbeing alone or rejected. 0

      Losing a relationship is agony because itcan trigger an earlier abandonment and because you’re losing partsof yourself — the parts that were already missing 0

      You may attractunavailable partners or your persistent accusations or pleas forattention or reassurance may produce your worst fear and pushthem away. 0

    5 cycle of abandonment 0

    • 1. Early Abandonment 1
    • 2. Shame & Insecurity 1
    • 3. Fear of Abandonment 1
    • 4. Abandoning Relationships 1
    • 5. Shame & Fear of Abandonment 1

    “Can’t get you out of my mind” 1

    • When I was 15 my teacher asked me to participate in a researchproject but didn’t describe it. I entered a small interview room.A woman introduced herself and explained that she would taperecord our interview. She gave no instructions and waited for meto talk. I had no idea what to say without being asked. As we satin silence I became increasingly uncomfortable and annoyed forwhat seemed like an eternity. I began talking about my parents andsiblings until I ran out of things to say. Later I thought the entiremeeting was strange and also strange that I’d spoken about everyonebut myself. 1

      This is what codependents do 1

      You’re invested in other people and think and talk about them. 1

      You try to figure out their motives what they need what they could or should be doing and solvetheir problems. 1

      Sometimes you can talk casually about the personwho’s captured your thoughts. 1

      Other times your attention is laserfocused on that person to the exclusion of all other sensory input 1

      When someone asks you how you’re feeling you report on theother person 1

      You’re not even aware that you haven’t answeredthe question even when repeated 1

      This is obsession. Yourthoughts race out of control repeat themselves in circles searchfor answers worrying and going over conversations 1

      They gripyour mind in an inescapable preoccupation that takes possessionof you. 1

      Obsessions are driven by fear and pain. 1

      It can be fear ofbeing abandoned or rejected fear of being unlovable or fear thatyour loved one will either destroy you or him or herself 1

      Bottled upemotion steals you away from the present — minutes and hoursadd up to days. Your life disappears. The consequences can bedevastating. 1

      When a relationship is new it’s normal to want to be with andspend time thinking of the man or woman you love. He or she isthe center of your world for a while but for codependents it neverstops and it doesn’t have to be about a love relationship you canobsess about anyone close to you. Moreover you give up what’simportant to you to be with or go along with that person. 2

      Obsessions are a way to avoid deeper emotional pain but arenot necessarily painful. In fact they may be pleasurable fantasiesof what you’d like to experience in your relationship howyou’d like someone to act or memories of better times. Whethervisions or endless chatter fill your mind it keeps you out oftouch with reality — including longings for connection unmetneeds or fears of what may happen. The distance between yourfantasy and reality reveals the depth of what you’re missing 2

    You’re my mojo 2

    • People who are happiest healthiest and the most successfulhave an internal locus of control meaning they feel they controloutcomes in their lives 2

      They take responsibility for themselvesand effect changes to create their happiness whereas dependentmen and women find self-responsibility and self-efficacy difficult 2

      Rather than act you react; rather than change you adjust to yourcircumstances. 2

      You need another person or structure such as anassignment in order to take action risk create or produce 2

      Youfind it hard to motivate and sustain your efforts on your own. 2

      Thisis more pronounced with women whose autonomy isn’t usuallyencouraged 2

      For a man the necessity of supportinga family motivates him. Some women don’t have that imperative 2

    12 Causes of Codependency 2

    • 1. Fear of success failure disappointment or change 2
    • 2. Low self-esteem — talking yourself down 2
    • 3. Passivity and indecision 2
    • 4. Attention and energy wasted on someone else 2
    • 5. Needing another’s support and validation 2
    • 6. Lack of self-trust 2
    • 7. Blaming others God circumstances and feeling like a victim 2
    • 8. Underlying depression from abuse in childhood 2
    • 9. Having felt like your words or feelings didn’t matter growing up 2
    • 10. Having had an authoritarian or narcissistic parent 2
    • 11. Having been told you won’t succeed 2
    • 12. Having been told your dreams were unattainable 2

    How You Communicate 3

    • Communication is the most important factor in determining thekinds of relationships you have and it reveals a lot about your selfesteemto the listener. Healthy communication that is clear concise honest and assertive reflects good self-esteem. The purposeof communication is to impart feelings and information but animportant part of communication is listening. Codependents havepoor communication skills. You’re so preoccupied that often youdon’t really listen. The other person’s words get filtered throughlayers of fear and low self-esteem. 3

    Categories Levels of Interpersonal oral communication 3

    • Level 1-Sharing or requesting information and experiences 3
    • Level 2-Expressing thoughts and opinions 3
    • Level 3-Active listening 3
    • Level 4-Expressing feelings 3
    • Level 5-Requesting satisfaction of wants and needs 3
    • Level 6-Stating boundaries 3

    Saying what you think and feel 3

    • Do you say what you think and feel? 3

      Because of fear and low selfesteem codependents typically have some of the following poorcommunication habits 3

    11 Poor Communication Habits 3

    • 1. Fear often driven by shame is the biggest obstacle to being directin your communication. Awareness of your fears can help you riskbeing honest. 4

      2. Make threats you don’t keep 3

      3. Say “yes” when you mean “no” 3

      4. Agree to things you swore you wouldn’t just to keep peace 3

      5. Hide what you think and feel or the fact that you don’t know 3

      6. Edit what you say in order to avoid controversy or criticism 3

      7. Expect others to read your mind understand you and meetyour needs without having to be asked or told 3

      8. Speak indirectly — hint at what you want 3

      9. Ask questions instead of making statements 3

      10. Talk about someone other than yourself or give advice 3

      11. Blame someone else for causing your feelings 3

    6 Common fears that derail communication 4

    • 1. Fear of being disliked or criticized 4
    • 2. Fear of rupturing the relationship 4
    • 3. Fear of being an imposition or burden 4
    • 4. Fear of making a mistake 4
    • 5. Fear of hurting someone’s feelings 4
    • 6. Fear of experiencing retaliation 4

    Fear guilt and lack of boundaries can result in avoidance of seriousconversations about problems in your relationships because youworry about what the other person will think instead of consideringthe actual facts and your thoughts and feelings 4

    Talking aboutproblems can feel as if you’re in a life-threatening situation — thatyour only option is to blame hide or shade the truth or apologizeand agree in order to please appease or control someone else’sfeelings. 4

    This is defensive manipulation because it’s motivated byfear to avoid conflict. 4

    Sometimes by lying or through covert behavior codependents manipulate to protect themselves or to get whatthey want. 4

    They’re easily manipulated with criticism and guilt trips.Manipulating focuses on someone else whose reaction becomes themeasure of your self-esteem. 4

    Ask yourself 4

    • Do your insides match your words or do you edit the truth? 4
    • How often do you ask questions rather than make astatement? 4
    • Do you use “I” statements? 4
    • Do you express your feelings without saying “you”? 4
    • Do you listen? 4
    • Are you clear and concise? 4
    • Are you able to say “No?” 4
    • Do you make direct polite requests to satisfy your wants andneeds? 4

    Being a human reactor 4

    • Codependents react 5

      This means you act in response to outsideinfluences. A few words in a text message can hit you like a cycloneand blow you off course from what you’re doing feeling or thinking. 5

      It destroys your mood and what you think of yourself and canruin your day or even your week. 5

      You take personally what otherssay as a reflection upon you. 5

      This instantly surrenders your selfesteemand emotions to whatever or whoever has triggered them 5

      You lose your center because your Self is other-defined and yourlocus of control is others. This makes you easy to manipulate. 5

      Reacting doesn’t necessarily mean flying into a rage althoughit may. For example you can also react with silence when beinginterrupted rather than respond by setting boundaries. Bothrebellion and compliance are reactions just opposite sides of thecoin 5

      Having a fragile Self and poor boundaries contribute to reacting but living under constant stress whether as a child or as anadult can make you hyper-vigilant and reactive — like a traumatizedanimal quick to flinch — every little thing becomes a crisis 5

      You make mountains out of molehills and scream at your kids orcomputer for something others would take in stride 5

      Rather thanthinking about options and taking constructive action you reactin fruitless attempts to control in ways that worsen the problem 5

      Other times a minor event may set you off because it’s the laststraw in a series of problems or insults that you may have overlookedor complained about in the past. Your reaction is a signalthat you must seriously find new constructive solutions and perhapsseek professional help. 5

    Responding 5

    • To respond to influences is much different 5

      It’s a proactive replyor answer. 5

      It’s responsible behavior that requires you to think problem-solve or act in ways appropriate and in your best interest. 5

      It implies choice and puts you in charge of both your outwardexpression and internal feelings. 5

      You can also choose to respondwith silence or ignore a stimulus. 5

      Responding diffuses emotionsinstead of escalating them. 5

    When you’re tempted to react try this 5

    • Take long slow breaths emphasizing the exhale 5
    • Change your activity — play and have some fun 5
    • Talk over the situation to get objective feedback 5
    • Consider whether the facts and your life actually changed 5
    • Choose not to give the other person or event control over you 5
    • Think about whether you agree and your values 5
    • Say “Stop” to negative replays in your head 6
    • Be loving and empathic with yourself with positivestatements. 6
    • Consider whether past reactions have brought you peace ofmind or resolved a problem 6

    Abusive communication 6

    • Verbal abuse is the most common form of emotional abuse butit’s often unrecognized. It always violates the other person’s emotionalboundaries. 6

      Abusive communication is speech or behaviorthat is punishing derogatory controlling or manipulative 6

      Youmay be a victim of abuse particularly if you’re in a relationshipwith a drug addict or you may be communicating abusively tocontrol someone else. 6

      Abuse may be said in a loving quiet voice or may be concealed — as in a joke. 6

      Subtle verbal abuse can bejust as damaging as overt forms particularly because it’s harder todetect. Over time verbal abuse has an insidious deleterious effectcausing you to doubt and distrust yourself. 6

    Examples of Abusive Communication 6

    • 1. Blaming 6
      • This is the most frequent abuse tactic intended to control putdown and make someone else responsible for events or your feelingsor actions. When you blame you disempower yourself andothers. It communicates that you feel like a helpless victim and isvery different from assertive expression such as “I’m angry at you.” 6
    • 2. Name-calling 6
      • Name-calling is a kind of bullying that’s intimidating and insulting.It’s intended to humiliate and put someone down. 6
    • 3. Raging 6
      • Raging or screaming violates other’s boundaries designed to intimidateand control 6
    • 4. Covert aggressive manipulation 6
      • This is distinguished from defensive manipulation. Here the motiveis aggression albeit hidden. It’s an indirect power play to getsomeone to act or feel the way the manipulator wants using charm implied rewards compliments veiled suggestions of punishment helplessness guilt shaming self-deprecation or playing a victimrole. On the outside a manipulator doesn’t appear aggressive andmay act like the aggrieved party so the person being manipulatedfeels guilty defensive or confused 6
    • 5. Ordering 7
      • Instead of requests ordering someone to do something is anexpression of control that’s demeaning and treats another personlike a slave 7
    • 6. Judging and criticizing 7
      • Judging and criticizing include evaluating giving unwanted advice and telling someone what he or she “should” do 7
    • 7. Play jokes sarcasm and teasing 7
      • Sarcasm is a witty or ironic remark sometimes overt praise that’sintended to inflict a wound. It can be painful to the recipient.Judgment cloaked as playful teasing or joking is no less hurtful. 7
    • 8. Opposing 7
      • The abuser treats you as an adversary and argues against anything challenging perceptions opinions and thoughts withoutlistening or volunteering thoughts or feelings in effect saying “No”to everything so a constructive conversation is impossible. 7
    • 9. Blocking 7
      • This tactic is used to abort conversation by switching topics making accusations or using words that in effect say “Shut up.” 7
    • 10. Discounting and belittling 7
      • Discounting and belittling are forms of abuse that minimize or trivializefeelings thoughts or experiences. It’s a way of saying thatanother’s feelings don’t matter or are wrong. 7
    • 11. Undermining and interrupting 7
      • Undermining with statements such as “You don’t know whatyou’re talking about ” finishing sentences or speaking on another’sbehalf without permission are meant to damage self-esteem andconfidence. 7
    • 12. Lying and denying 7
      • Whatever the motive conscious lying is manipulative. Some addictsand abusers deny that agreements or promises were made or that aconversation or event took place including prior abuse and insteaddeclare love and caring. This is crazy-making and makes the victimgradually doubt his or her memory and perceptions. A persistentpattern is called gas-lighting named after the movie Gaslight where Charles Boyer used denial to make his wife played by IngridBergman believe she was losing her grip on reality 7

    Control and Caretaking 8

    • Normally people think of control as ordering or other overt abuse but control can include indirect nonverbal behavior. You may usethese “soft” methods of control if you’re afraid of being direct 8

    “soft” methods of control 8

    • Helplessness or passivity 8
    • Withholding 8
    • Isolating 8
    • Talking 8
    • Silence 8
    • Gifts and favors 8
    • Seduction 8
    • Pleasing and caretaking 8

    Caretaking 8

    • Caretaking is associated with giving physical aid to someone butbeing a “good fella” or “nice girl” is also caretaking. I use caretakingto refer to emotional financial spiritual or intellectual helpgiven to control when you silence your feelings and needs in orderto accommodate and take care of someone. 8

    There’s chaos all around 8

    • A warped sense of responsibility 8

      Healthy relationships consist of two people each taking responsibilityfor their half of the relationship and their individual Selves 8

      Codependents don’t know how to meet their needs and believethat others can’t take care of themselves 9

      They attract needypeople and invade their boundaries by trying to control them while not taking responsibility for their own side of the fence.Many addict codependents are irresponsible when it comes towork money childcare or personal safety health and hygiene 9

      addict or abuser is in perpetual crisis. You try to control someoneout of control and contain disruption in the family. If you grew upin that environment or in a high-conflict family fear of upsettinga parent meant staying in control. You learned to control yourfeelings and behavior to feel safe. You’d never again want to be atsomeone’s mercy. As an adult you don’t feel safe may be anxious dread disaster and try to control people and events because ofyour past fear even when there’s no evidence for it in the present 8

    Control through kindness 80

    • Caretakers genuinely want to help 80
    • It makes them feel good tobe helpful. 80
    • caregiving and codependent caretaking aredifferent 80
    • caregiving has no strings attached 80
    • caretaking unconscious form of manipulation 80

    Healthy caregiving 80

    • True caring entails listening to others’ thoughts and feelings withunderstanding and allowing them to brainstorm solutions 80

      Yourespect others’ separateness and boundaries and offer supportwithout guilt or an urge to fix their problems trusting that otherswill find appropriate solutions to their problems and pain 80

      it’snot your job to change or direct their lives. 80

      When you do give it’swithout expectations or control. 80

      You don’t give up yourself 80

      Motives behind caretaking 80

      Caretakers give love to get love 80

      They give more in relationships and on the job they work harder and longer than others 80

      Theydon’t feel worthy of love unless they’re giving because they don’tbelieve that they’re lovable and enough as they are 80

      Caretakingallows you to both hide the needs feelings and flaws you’reashamed of and also compensate for them by giving beingneeded and becoming indispensable 80

      It’s insurance against beingabandoned. Because caretaking emanates from guilt shame andfear more than love you give with expectations to fulfill your ownunmet needs — usually unconscious needs for love acceptance orvalidation that you’re a good person. 80

      There are strings attached —especially when gifts financial aid or sex is offered 80

      When you can’t stop yourself 80

      Codependents can’t stop trying to help 80

      It’s a personality stylethat’s been learned and become habitual. 80

      You believe you knowwhat’s best for others and how to run their lives even in situationsin which you have no experience. 80

      Because of an exaggeratedsense of responsibility for others — their happiness feelings thoughts behavior needs expectations and desires — you caneasily become invested in their problems try to rescue them andcontrol the outcome. 80

      You anticipate others’ feelings and needs andoffer unsolicited aid and suggestions without being asked. 80

      Whenyour advice isn’t taken or your help isn’t appreciated you getfrustrated annoyed and resentful but continue to help whetheror not you’re able to change the other person 80

      You may not evenbe deterred if the person you want to help doesn’t believe he orshe has a problem. 80

      When your offer is refused you feel rebuffedand hurt. Some people take advantage of caretakers who can’t say“no.” Even though they volunteer help they don’t take responsibilityfor their behavior. In the end they feel used or resentful andinsufficiently appreciated loved or rewarded for their efforts 80

    Top Dog Underdog 81

    • If you’re living in a family where someone behaves irresponsiblyor self-destructively it’s normal to take up the slack and assumeincreased responsibilities and control in order to protect the safetyand stability of the family. It seems obvious that you’re doing the“right” thing and the other person isn’t 81

      But soon you end up in aparental role and start minding other people’s business. Perhaps youwere attracted to an irresponsible or dependent person in the firstplace allowing you to be a caretaker and in control 81

      You wouldn’tfeel close in a relationship with someone who has no problem tosolve — who wouldn’t need you. You’re used to being Top Doglooking down on Underdog 81

    Enabling 82

    • Enabling refers to caretaking that removes the natural consequencesof someone’s irresponsible behavior 82

      It also includes handlingresponsibilities for someone that they can and should be handling 82

      Often Underdog will badger blame and manipulate Top Dog intoenabling 82

      Originally enablers were co-alcoholics who suffered theconsequences of the alcoholic’s drinking and did their best to literallyclean up after the alcoholic made excuses to the boss and friends got the alcoholic into bed and bailed him or her out of jail and othermesses. 82

      The conclusion was that alcoholics would remain in denialand never get sober until they suffered the consequences of their disease and that the pressure to change would come not from others’persuasion but from the alcoholics’ own experience of the seriousdamage alcoholism was causing in their lives 82

      Today enabling is morewidely applied to behavior that enables anyone to continue acting ina self-destructive manner. 82

      Enablers have a warped sense of responsibilityand feel extremely guilty not enabling even though they’re notresponsible for the problems created by others 82

    Denial 82

    • Denial is an inability to acknowledge the truth of something. It’sconsidered the hallmark of addiction and that applies to codependents too.

      Denial can prolong codependency for years or decades

      You’re as likely to be in denial concerning the addiction of someoneclose to you as you are of your own addiction to others —your codependency. 82

      You put aside and deny what you know to betrue because you’re dependent upon the relationship 82

      You pretendand act as if things are normal when they’re far from it worseningthe problem and deflecting accountability from the irresponsibleperson in your life 82

      By comparison you may think you’re actingsanely and unselfishly yet if denial progresses your behaviorbecomes increasingly irrational and motivated by self-interest 82

      Children of addicts often deny that their parents’ problems affectedthem believing that leaving home or the addict-parent’s recoveryput an end to their problems

      They don’t realize that they’re stillaffected nor want to think about their painful childhood

      Even ifthey only had an alcoholic grandparent this made their parentcodependent and as a result they’ve been affected as well.

      Codependents also are unaware of their needs wants and feelings.Even if you’re conscious of your feelings you may feel too vulnerableto express them fear rejection or think that you’re selfish needy or self-indulgent like Stanley in the previous example. Instead youwait depend on and expect others to fill your needs without beingasked or become self-reliant and not depend on anyone. When ignoringyour needs and feelings you assess what others need and feel togauge your response. Many of the characteristics of codependencyare both symptoms of this denial and further reinforce it becausewhen you’re focused on someone else you don’t feel yourself.

    Painful Emotions

    • Despite being in denial codependents still experience churningemotions. Predominant are anger and resentment and moodswings from fear and anxiety to hopelessness and despair. All ofthis stress over time leads to depression which is a lack of feeling

      Fear and anxiety

      Fear can breed anxiety and anxiety can create fear

      common fears

      • fears of abandonment
      • rejection
      • intimacy
      • criticism
      • power
      • success
      • failure
      • fear of being themselves
      • fear of being alone
      • fear of of showing their feelings
      • fear of others’ reactions

      If you live with a drug addict or abuser it’s natural to fear foryour safety and the safety of your children and the addict.

      You’reliving in a war zone never knowing when or where a bomb willdrop.

      You’re afraid your wife can’t care for the children or yourhusband won’t go to work or will be fired.

      Will he return homesafe and sober?

      You may dread the sound of opening cans or hiscar arriving home and answering questions from debt collectors concerned friends and relatives or police at your door

      You don’thave a chance to recover from one disaster before another onehits.

      You learn to fear family holidays that end up a battlegroundor another disappointment.

      Somehow you learn to live with constant fights insecurity even suicide attempts and still try togo to work raise children and maintain an appearance of normalcy.This has become your normal; a life lived in terror is NOTnormal.

      When codependents aren’t afraid they’re anxious.

      Unpredictabilityand powerlessness add to anxiety.

      Our bodies are designed torespond to fear by fighting or fleeing but when you can neitherescape nor control a situation anxiety results. Interspersed withrationalizations and fantasies about how they’d like things to be you project your fears into the future — even when there’s noevidence that they will occur.

      Worry and obsession grow. Yourehearse the negative and live on the edge of “What if . . .” anotherfight binge or financial crisis. You become guarded and constantlywalk on eggshells. Gradually you become more isolatedfrom friends and family which escalates your feelings

    Anger and resentment

    • Codependents have anger for good reason. It’s a healthy reactionto someone who constantly breaks promises and commitments violates your boundaries disappointments you and orbetrays your trust. Many codependents feel trapped burdenedwith troubles responsible for children and saddled with financialproblems. They don’t see a way out and yet still love the one theyblame for their woes or feel too guilty to leave. Some are angry atGod yet it’s codependency that is the root of their anger

      Anger is a powerful energy that seeks expression. Sometimes actionis required to correct a wrong. It needn’t be loud or hurtful

    Anger Outcome Forms

    • Sarcasm
    • Tone of voice
    • Cold looks
    • Slamming doors
    • Withholding love
    • Withholding sex
    • Silence
    • Forgetting
    • Being late

    late stages of codependency

    • A chronic sense of inferiority and shame
    • Unending crises that you can’t escape
    • Having a series of unsuccessful relationships
    • Being trapped in an unhappy relationship
    • Feeling defeated by daily stress and lack of safety and peace
    • Loneliness
    • Never getting your needs met
    • Loss of faith in the possibility of change for a better future
    • Feeling abandoned by God

    Despair can lead to depression — feeling numbness and a lackof feeling as if life had been drained from you.

    You lose interestin things. You may feel sad or cry but without relief. Depressioncan result from “de-pressing” or holding down feelings especiallyanger. Negative self-talk also causes depression

    Many codependents have a chronic low-grade depression of whichthey’re unaware

    The excitement of romance sex an unavailablepartner melodramatic relationships a busy schedule and the tasksof being a caretaker provide sufficient stimulation and distractionfrom the depression that’s just beneath the surface. A peaceful relationshipor calm environment would soon be “boring ” without theadrenalin that drama and stress to mask underlying depression

    Physical Symptoms

• Chapter 4: So Are You Codependent?
  • 8 Codependency Assessment
    • 1. Fear:
      • a. Do you become preoccupied with the problems ofothers especially those of the user?
      • b. Do you try to “keep things under control” or “keep ahandle” on situations?
      • c. Do you take more than your fair share of responsibilityfor tasks that have to be done?
      • d. Are you afraid to approach others directly in particularlythe user?
      • e. Do you often have anxious feelings or worry about whatwill happen next?
      • f. Do you avoid taking risks with others because it is hardfor you to trust?
    • 2. Shame Guilt:
      • a. Do you often feel ashamed not only about your behavior but also about the behavior of others especially theuser?

        b. Do you feel guilty about the problems of others in yourfamily?

        c. Do you withdraw from social contact when you’re feelingupset?

        d. Do you sometimes hate yourself?

        e. Do you ever cover up bad feelings about yourself byacting too confidently?

    • 3. Prolonged Despair:
      • a. Do you often feel hopeless about changing the currentsituation?

        b. Do you tend to be pessimistic about the world in general?

        c. Do you have a sense of low self-worth or failure thatdoes not reflect your skills and accomplishments?

    • 4. Rage:
      • a. Do you feel persistently angry with the user otherfamily members or yourself?

        b. Are you afraid of losing control if you let yourself getreally mad?

        c. Are you angry at God?

        d. Do you ever get back at others in sneaky ways perhapswithout being fully aware of this behavior at the time?

    • 5. Denial:
      • a. Do you feel yourself denying the basic problems in yourfamily?
      • b. Do you tell yourself that these problems are not that bad?
      • c. Do you find reasons to justify the irresponsible behaviorof others in your family?
    • 6. Rigidity:
      • a. Do you tend to think in either or terms when there areproblems instead of looking at many alternatives?

        b. Do you feel troubled if anyone upsets your usual routines?

        c. Do you tend to see moral issues in black-and-whiteterms?

        d. Do you “get stuck” in certain feelings such as guilt loveor anger?

    • 7. Impaired Identity Development:
      • a. Do you have trouble asking for what you want and need?
      • b. Do you feel pain right along with another person who isin pain?
      • c. Do you need to have another person around in order foryou to feel worthwhile?
      • d. Do you worry a great amount about how othersperceive you?
    • 8. Confusion:
      • a. Do you wonder what it means to be “normal”?
      • b. Do you sometimes think that you must be “crazy”?
      • c. Do you find it difficult at times to identify what you arefeeling?
      • d. Do you have a tendency to be taken in by others — tobe gullible?
      • e. Do you have a hard time making up your mind — areyou indecisive?
  • 25 Composite Codependency Scale 0
    • 1. I try to control events and people through helplessness guilt coercion threats advice-giving manipulation ordomination 0

      2. I become afraid to let other people be who they are andallow events to happen naturally 0

      3. I try to control events and how other people should behave 0

      4. I feel compelled or forced to help people solve their problems(for example offering advice) 0

      5. I feel that without my effort and attention everythingwould fall apart 0

      6. I live too much by other people’s standards 0

      7. I put on a show to impress people; I am not the person Ipretend to be 0

      8. In order to get along and be liked I need to be what peoplewant me to be 0

      9. I need to make excuses or apologize for myself most of thetime 0

      10. I always put the needs of my family before my own needs 0

      11. It is my responsibility to devote my energies to helpingloved ones solve their problems 0

      12. No matter what happens the family always comes first 0

      13. I often put the needs of others ahead of my own 0

      14. What I feel isn’t important as long as those I love are okay 0

      15. Because it is selfish I cannot put my own needs before theneeds of others 0

      16. If I work hard enough I should be able to solve almost anyproblem or make things better for people 0

      17. Feelings often build up inside me that I do not express 0

      18. I keep my emotions under tight control 0

      19. I keep my feelings to myself and put up a good front 0

      20. It makes me uncomfortable to share my feelings withothers 0

      21. I don’t usually let others see the “real me” 1

      22. I hide myself so that no-one really knows me 1

      23. I push painful thoughts and feelings out of my awareness 1

      24. Very often I don’t try to become friends with peoplebecause I think that they won’t like me 1

      25. I put on a happy face when I am really sad or angry 1

  • 5 Codependent Patterns 1
    • 1. Denial patterns 1
      • I have difficulty identifying what I am feeling 1
      • I minimize alter or deny how I truly feel 1
      • I perceive myself as completely unselfish and dedicated to thewell-being of others. 1
      • I lack empathy for the feelings and needs of others 1
      • I label others with my negative traits 1
      • I can take care of myself without any help from others 1
      • I mask my pain in various ways such as anger humor orisolation 1
      • I express negativity or aggression in indirect and passive ways 1
      • I do not recognize the unavailability of those people to whom Iam attracted. 1
    • 2. Low self-esteem patterns 1
      • I have difficulty making decisions 1
      • I judge what I think say or do harshly as never good enough. 1
      • I am embarrassed to receive recognition praise or gifts 1
      • I value others’ approval of my thinking feelings and behaviorover my own 1
      • I do not perceive myself as a lovable or worthwhile person 1
      • I constantly seek recognition that I think I deserve 1
      • I have difficulty admitting that I made a mistake 2
      • I need to appear to be right in the eyes of others and will evenlie to look good 2
      • I am unable to ask others to meet my needs or desires 2
      • I perceive myself as superior to others 2
      • I look to others to provide my sense of safety 2
      • I have difficulty getting started meeting deadlines and completingprojects 2
      • I have trouble setting healthy priorities 2
    • 3. Compliance patterns 2
      • I am extremely loyal remaining in harmful situations too long 2
      • I compromise my own values and integrity to avoid rejectionor anger 2
      • I put aside my own interests in order to do what others want 2
      • I am hypervigilant regarding the feelings of others and take onthose feelings 2
      • I am afraid to express my beliefs opinions and feelings whenthey differ from those of others. 2
      • I accept sexual attention when I want love 2
      • I make decisions without regard to the consequences 2
      • I give up my truth to gain the approval of others or to avoidchange 2
    • 4. Control patterns 2
      • I believe most people are incapable of taking care of themselves 2
      • I attempt to convince others what to think do or feel. 2
      • I freely offer advice and direction to others without being asked. 2
      • I become resentful when others decline my help or reject myadvice 2
      • I lavish gifts and favors on those I want to influence 2
      • I use sexual attention to gain approval and acceptance 2
      • I have to be needed in order to have a relationship with others 2
      • I demand that my needs be met by others 2
      • I use charm and charisma to convince others of my capacity tobe caring and compassionate 3
      • I use blame and shame to emotionally exploit others 3
      • I refuse to cooperate compromise or negotiate 3
      • I adopt an attitude of indifference helplessness authority orrage to manipulate outcomes. 3
      • I use terms of recovery in an attempt to control the behavior ofothers 3
      • I pretend to agree with others to get what I want 3
    • 5. Avoidance patterns 3
      • I act in ways that invite others to reject shame or expressanger toward me 3

        I judge harshly what others think say or do 3

        I avoid emotional physical or sexual intimacy as a means ofmaintaining distance 3

        I allow my addictions to people places and things to distractme from achieving intimacy in relationships. 3

        I use indirect and evasive communication to avoid conflict orconfrontation 3

        I diminish my capacity to have healthy relationships by decliningto use all the tools of recovery 3

        I suppress my feelings or needs to avoid feeling vulnerable 3

        I pull people toward me but when they get close I push themaway 3

        I refuse to give up my self-will to avoid surrendering to a powerthat is greater than myself 3

        I believe displays of emotion are a sign of weakness 3

        I withhold expressions of appreciation 3

• Part II: Breaking the Cycle of Codependency: Beginning Recovery
• Chapter 5: Crossing De-Nile to Recovery
  • Why You Experience Denial 7
    • Plain and simple denial is a defense mechanism. Everyone does it.It’s the first defense that our brain is capable of using. It operatesautomatically and unconsciously. The brain can actually distortsensory information and interpret it in such a way that makes factsnonthreatening using some of the following strategies to blockwhat’s going on. Because it’s unconscious it’s difficult to spot inyourself. 7
  • 4 Reasons codependents deny 8
    • 1. To avoid painful thoughts or feelings if you were to face thefacts about someone you love yourself or your relationships 8

      2. To avoid emotional conflict with someone else or conflictwithin yourself about making difficult choices or taking actionthat may bring about pain or loss 8

      3. To avoid a perceived threat usually of loss abandonment physical or emotional harm serious illness or death 8

      4. To cope with a shock or trauma often caused by physical sexual or emotional abuse that may have happened long ago 8

  • 6 Suspects – Why You Experience Denial 7
    • 1. Forgetting 7
      • Overlooking something that you don’t want to do 7
    • 2. Self-deception 7
      • Believing the opposite or variation of the truth 7
    • 3. Lying 7
      • Asserting the opposite of the truth (different from a lie) 7
    • 4. Minimizing 7
      • Making less of something than is the reality 7
    • 5. Rationalizing 7
      • Justifying with excuses or arguments 7
    • 6. Repressing 7
      • Removing awareness of feelings thoughts needs desires traumatic events or memories 7
  • 4 Levels of Denial 8
    • Level 1: Denial about someone’sbehavior or addiction 8
      • The first level of denial is denying that someone in your life hasan addiction or that his or her behavior is causing a problem or isnegatively affecting you. 8

        You may have grown up with addiction or the problem behaviorin your family so it feels familiar and normal 9

        Addicts and abusers don’t like to take responsibility for theirbehavior. They deny it and blame other codependents whoare willing to accept this as the truth 9

        Growing up in dysfunctional families you learn to not trustyour perceptions and what you know 9

        Acknowledging the truth would cause feelings of shamebecause of the stigma attached to addiction and abuse 9

        Low self-esteem lowers your expectations of being treated well 9

        You lack information about the signs of addiction and abuse 9

        How do you know if you’re in denial? 101

        • Do you spend time thinking about how you’d like things to be? 101

          Do you say to yourself “If only he (or she) would . . .?” 101

          Do you make excuses for someone to others? To yourself? 101

          Do you minimize or rationalize bad behavior or your hurtfeelings? 101

          Do you believe promises or assurances that have been broken? 101

          Do you think the relationship or behavior will improve whensome future event occurs (like a vacation job offer engagement or having a baby)? 101

          Do you continue to make concessions or change yourself hoping that the relationship or the person’s behavior willimprove? 101

          Do you cover up or not reveal to family or friends aspects ofyour relationship that embarrass you? 101

    • Level 2: Denial that my codependencyis part of the problem 101
      • Generally if confronted codependents deny their codependency.This is level 2. Codependents believe that they have no choicesabout their situation and or blame others. They deny their owndisease to avoid deeper pain 101

        Another reason that it may be difficult for you to admit you havea problem and seek help is because you’re not used to looking atyourself. 101

        Focusing on others protects you from facing your painand taking responsibility for your own happiness 101

        It keeps youstuck pursuing the fruitless goal of trying to change others or lookingfor the right person to make you happy based on the erroneouspremise that your happiness lies in others. 101

        Blaming others orfeeling superior to them is a way to avoid looking at yourself 101

    • Level 3: I’m fine thank you —denial of feelings
      • Codependents are usually good at knowing what other peoplefeel and spend a lot of time worrying about them often withresentment but aren’t much aware of other feelings and may noteven be aware of their resentment.

        This denial of feelings is level3. When people are obsessing about their addiction — whetherit’s to a person food sex work or a drug — it’s usually a distractionfrom what they’re really feeling.

        If you ask them how they’refeeling they say “I’m fine ” or ask what they’re feeling they say“Nothing.”

        They understand physical pain but not emotionalpain because they’re in denial of their true feelings which wouldbe upsetting to experience.

        Growing up they never learned toidentify their feelings nor felt safe expressing them especiallyif they had no one to comfort them. Instead they buried andrepressed their feelings.

        Awareness offeelings is vital to healthy interactions with others

        Fear tells you to avoid danger including people who mayharm you emotionally.

        Anger tells you that action is required to right a wrong or tomake changes

        Healthy guilt helps you act congruently with your values

        Sadness helps you let go and encourages empathy and humanconnection.

        Shame helps you fit in to society and keeps you from harmingothers.

        Loneliness motivates you to reach out to others

        When you deny or repress feelings you can get stuck. The feelingnever gets released and stays in your unconscious — sometimesfor years

        When you deny your feelings it keeps you from respondingappropriately and creates more problems

        In some cases you canidentify the feeling but have denied its buried repressed meaning.When this happens you can still remain fixed in a cycle of reexperiencingthe feeling and repeating the associated behavior because the deeper pain isn’t resolved.

    • Level 4: You don’t know what you’remissing — denial of needs
      • Expressing needs in the context of a relationship requires trust so you’d feel particularly vulnerable around needs that requirethe participation of another person and deny and or feel ashamedof your needs for support nurturance and the most human ofall — the need for love. Even if you know that you were loved ifyou never received nurturing or had your feelings respected youmay attempt to fill this void with an addiction. Addictive relationshipsserve as a substitute for real connection. Some people arecaretakers who hope to receive love in return but are unable toexperience real intimacy or maintain an intimate relationship

        Good parents make it safe for children to ask for what they want.Then as adults they’re able to identify their needs function on theirown and express their needs. If key needs were shamed or ignoredin your childhood you grow up doing the same to yourself and shutdown feelings associated with those needs. Why feel a need if youdon’t expect it to be filled? It’s less painful to deny it entirely

        Codependents are very good at anticipating and filling the needs ofothers yet they deny or minimize their own needs

        On the other extremeare those who demand and expect everyone else to meet theirneeds. Some codependents were neglected and basic physicalneeds weren’t met. If they were abused they may never have experiencedsafety in a relationship and don’t expect it — somethingnormally consider a prerequisite.

        needs that was never filled

        • Autonomy
        • Nurturance
        • Integrity
        • Respect
        • Love
        • Friendship
        • Mental stimulation
        • Beauty
        • Peace
        • Inspiration
        • Appreciation
        • Security and safety
        • Creativity
        • Meaning
        • Play
        • Humor
        • Passi won
        • Trust
        • Community
        • Pleasure

        Many who don’t recognize their needs for support and comfortisolate — especially when they’re hurting. Even with awareness oftheir needs asking someone to meet them can feel humiliating

  • Peeling the Onion’s Layers
    • As you progress in recovery you uncover more levels of denialbecause you don’t know what you don’t know. The expression“peeling an onion” is apt because gaining awareness of unconsciousmaterial is an ongoing process like peeling back layers of an onion
• Chapter 6: The Process of Recovery
  • Recovery Is for You
    • Change requires you to take responsibility for your contribution toyour problems. With it comes the awareness that today’s choicesare the seeds of tomorrow’s change or stagnation best describedby Eldridge Cleaver who famously said “If you are not part of thesolution then you are part of the problem.” Think about what hasstopped you from taking action in the past or makes you hesitatenow

      steps involved in making changes

      • 1. Thinking about the problem
      • 2. Seeking answers listening and gathering information
      • 3. Taking responsibility and realizing YOU have to change
      • 4. Getting motivated
      • 5. Planning and preparing for action
      • 6. Attending meetings counseling and workshops
      • 7. Using self-discipline to stay focused on your goal
      • 8. Repeating action steps to achieve and maintain results

      The spiral nature of recovery

      • The recovery process is not a straight path; rather it is a cyclical spiral movement forward like a Slinky. Cycles are repetitions. Thinkof cycles of migration the seasons and planetary revolutions 701

        in healing you don’t go back to the very beginning –

        Recovery spiralstoward healing meaning an improved state of functioning. –

      Make recovery a priority 35

      • Many people begin recovery to be out of pain to help someoneelse or to save a relationship. These are fine reasons to start but for change to last you must be committed to yourself

        Thepain will lessen the “someone” may or may not improve or therelationship may end but you’re still left with yourself. When youmake your recovery a priority you reap the benefits. It’s yourlife and with recovery you discover the keys to your happiness which is your responsibility whether or not you’re in a relationship.If you’re depressed given time you’ll be depressed in or outof a relationship — the same goes for other codependent traits

        Codependency robs you of your vibrancy contentment health and the ability to fully be yourself which is the only thing that willmake you happy in the long run.

        Putting yourself first is difficult. You’re used to making others a priority.That’s the problem. To develop a new skill or build a muscle you must exercise regularly not when you get around to it. Thesame goes for new beliefs and habits. Act as if your recovery wasthe most treasured gift in the world — because it is. In time you’llknow that you’re worthy of it.

  • Seeking Help and Support 595
    • Codependent relationships and families tend to be closed meaningthat you become isolated from outside information and the community.The best way to recover is to step beyond the family becausethose relationships are restrictive 595

      In cases where addiction is involved often shame andfear prevent people from reaching out 595

      In an abusive relationship the abuser like a dictator maintains control distrusts outsiders and disallows external influence. It’s important not to believe orgive in to messages of distrust and fear. 595

      Attend Twelve Step meetings 0 721

      Seek psychotherapy 1 357

      Understand constructive vs.destructive friendships 3

      Friends can provide tremendous help or major harm to your recovery.Most people inject their own opinions and are unable to listenobjectively 3

      Helpful friends listen and don’t judge you but areable to gently point out when you’re not being honest or kind withyourself or have unrealistic expectations. 3

  • Be Gentle with Yourself 3
    • In reading this book and beginning recovery you gain self-awareness.You may feel overwhelmed by information want to change quickly or feel self-critical. You could think you’re falling short of who youthought you were who you’d like to be or who you’d like othersto see. Be patient and instead of judging yourself act as if you’redoing research — collecting data on your behavior. Even get excitedwhen you find a shortcoming. Your awareness is growing which isthe beginning of change. Good parents don’t criticize the baby forfalling when he’s learning to walk but applaud his efforts. Whenyou see yourself in your old behavior patterns think about whatyou’ve learned and tell yourself “Next time I’ll have an opportunityto handle things differently.” Remember that recovery is a process.It took a long time to become who you are and it takes time tounlearn habits and beliefs that don’t serve you 3 530
  • What If You’re Not a Believer? 4
  • Should You Tell the Addict or Your Partner? 4
• Chapter 7: How Did You Become Codependent?
  • Mommy and Me — A Psychodynamic View 5
    • Children are born vulnerable full of needs and dependent on theircaretakers for everything. To grow they need touch as much asfood — plus attention empathy nurturing and security. Babies areso dependent on their mothers that they don’t know their bodiesare separate. The mother’s every response or lack of responseimpacts her child. Because most of her actions are spontaneous andunconscious who she is psychologically has greater influence thaneven what she does. For example the way a mother holds nurses and touches her baby communicates her sense of anxiety or security love or disinterest impatience or attentiveness 5 596

      Key to the separation-individuation process and the formationof a healthy Self is the mother’s ability to mirror the child’s feelings.She does this by empathically and intuitively matching herresponses to her child’s needs and ever-fluctuating feelings. Shejoins in her child’s glee and remains calm and present with herbaby’s sadness containing and diffusing intense feelings. Sheempathizes names and reflects her child’s feelings back accurately teaching it to recognize trust and respond to its internalfeelings perceptions and thoughts because “all-knowing Mommy”has validated them. Healthy boundaries prevent a mother frompersonalizing her child’s feelings. She’s able to acknowledge thather child has perceptions feelings and needs different from andeven in conflict with hers 6

      Generally deficient or inadequate mirroring reflects a mother’sincomplete Self which is how codependency becomes generational.It results from the mother’s emotional unavailabilityand lack of empathy. If her toddler cries over a broken toy andshe’s pre-occupied or dismissive her child will feel abandoned. 7 5

      Faulty mirroring can occur even when a mother gives her childan extraordinary amount of attention if it isn’t in response to the child’s particular need but is instead a manifestation of themother’s need for mirroring that she never received as a child. Forinstance a mother may talk excitedly to her baby in a way that’sintrusive or over-stimulating. The mother’s defective mirroringmay be caused by he 7 5

      Weak boundaries are typical of codependents. The mother’sempathy will be inaccurate because psychologically she seesher child as an extension of herself — as an opportunity for herto feel needed valuable important lovable and complete. Sheunconsciously only reinforces her baby’s responses that boost herself-esteem. When her child is upset she’s unable to contain andmirror him or her. She may be overwhelmed frightened or impatientwith her baby’s continuous crying or feel wounded by herchild’s rebellious anger and react by withdrawing or scolding 7 1

      With inadequate mirroring children learn that their needs feelings and thoughts are unimportant wrong and shameful. Repeatedinstances teach children that love and approval come with meetingtheir mothers’ needs and for survival they repress their needs andfeelings and tune in to the mother’s expectations and emotions.A child’s Self becomes organized around pleasing and performingfor others’ approval in order to feel loved. Instead of developing astrong sense of Self and awareness of needs feelings and thoughts the individual’s worth becomes determined by others and later heor she enters relationships based on need. If a mother is chronicallyunable to meet a child’s needs he or she feels lost and abandoned since there is no object to validate the Self’s existence. The childmay become apathetic depressed or anxious later leading to selfstimulatingor over-stimulating behavior such as compulsive masturbation addiction or dangerous risk-taking. 7 321

      Codependent mothers may unconsciously fail to support theirchildren’s emerging drive for independence. Instead the mothers’needs and automatic responses cripple their children by keepingthem dependent and consequently codependent as adults. Onthe other hand mothers who feel burdened by their children’sneeds may encourage independence prematurely overwhelmingthe child due to its limited capacity to sustain itself 7 586

      With enough faulty maternal interactions instead of developing aharmonious and vital Self these children’s emotional functioningbecomes distorted. As adults they engage in futile and desperateattempts to control and or please others in order to satisfy theirown unidentified needs. Without conscious awareness and empathywith their interior Selves they treat themselves and others asobjects and being alone or too much intimacy threaten them withnonexistence or dissolution 8 6

  • It’s a Dysfunctional World 8 33
    • The numbersnearly add up to everyone when you count another 20 percent ofAmericans with a serious mental illness. Addiction is the leadingcause of family dysfunction along with chronic illness abuse andtrauma. Society is addicted to legal and illegal drugs as well asrelationships romance sex money work gambling food exercise consumption speed tweeting cell phones and the Internet among other things. 8 260

      Another factor contributing to family dysfunction is the highdivorce rate in America. One-third of children don’t live with bothparents. 8 260

      Divorce is a trauma that almost always exposes childrento conflict crisis loss and some degree of abandonment. Manyof those spousal relationships were likely dysfunctional beforedivorcing. Moreover increased stress due to economic and healthconcerns adds to greater conflict and instability mental illness and less attention given to children 8 260

  • Healthy vs. Dysfunctional Families — A Family Systems View 8
    • Family systems theorists view families as living organisms. Thehealth and behavior of the parts are dependent upon each otherand the whole and vice versa. Parents establish and enforcethe rules and model behavior and communication. Cooperationbetween them is essential for optimal family functioning. Throughinteractions with your parents you learn life lessons 8 587
  • 10 Life Lessons Questions 9
    • 1. How to identify needs and feelings 9

      2. Whether your needs and feelings matter 9

      3. How to nurture yourself 9

      4. Ways to get needs met from others (which may be dysfunctionalsuch as whining tantrums begging lying) 9

      5. How to meet your own needs 9

      6. Whether authority can be trusted 9

      7. What behavior is rewarded (some parents reward negativebehavior with more attention) 9

      8. Whether your authentic Self has value 9

      9. How to resolve conflict by observing and interacting withparent 9

      10. How to solve problems and make decisions by thinkingthrough feelings and consequences 9 72

  • Healthy families 9 72
  • 6 Ingredients of healthy families 9 411
    • 1. An open system 9 411
      • Whether it’s a country an organization a family or a person opennessis a sign of health. This is because it allows for freedom ofexpression flow of information flexibility and adaptability whichprolong survival. 9 411

        Healthy families can weather crises because theyare receptive to new ideas talk about them and adjust to the newcircumstances. 9 411

        An open family is not afraid of outside influencesand is often active in the community 9 411

        You can share outside knowledgeand experiences with your family including other aspects ofyour personality expressed in different environments — you don’tlive a double life or always act the role of “Mom” or “kid brother.” 9 411

        Information also flows outward. You don’t fear revealing family“dirty laundry” with outsiders. 9 411

        In an open environment you’re free to express your authenticSelf. 9 563

        You can talk about what you see hear feel and think 9 563

        Therearen’t forbidden topics like sex or money. 9 563

        A parent’s shortcomingor failure isn’t hidden but instead teaches human frailty and thatparents aren’t perfect. Dissent isn’t silenced and family decisionsand values may be questioned and debated. Although all feelingsare allowed expression verbal abuse isn’t tolerated and not allactions are permissible. 9 563

    • 2. Equality for all 120 11
      • Healthy families have an atmosphere of equality respect and fairness. 120 161

        Spouses treat each other as equals setting an example forsiblings. Although parents still make the rules they’re not authoritarian. 120 161

        The family is more egalitarian than hierarchical. Aside fromage-appropriate differences you’re treated equally and older siblingsaren’t allowed to boss younger ones 120 161

        Chores are divided fairlybetween genders. 120 161

        Everyone is accountable including the parents.If they don’t want to be interrupted they don’t interrupt. 120 161

        Theymodel the behavior they teach their children and demonstrate thatit’s alright to make mistakes by apologizing for their own and forgivingthose of others 120 161

    • 3. Everyone is heard 120
      • Communication is honest direct assertive and respectful. Parentslisten and try to understand you and each other 120

        You get a chanceto be heard without being ignored or criticized. Listening to youwith understanding is a sign of respect. 120

        It builds self-esteem honors your individuality and conveys that you and what you sayhave value. 120

        You learn to acknowledge and express your feelingsand needs and gain confidence in yourself and your opinions 120

    • 4. Reasonable consistent rules 120 462
      • family rules 121 3
        • What rules are in your household? 121
        • Are there subjects that are off-limits? 121
        • Is the expression of all feelings including anger permitted? 121
        • Who made the rules? 121
        • Are you allowed to comment on them? 121
        • Are they interfering or accomplishing what you want? 121
        • What happens if you disagree on a rule? 121
        • Are they up to date or do you need new rules? 121

        Every family has rules — some overt and some covert. If you’vehad a job where you didn’t know what was expected you knowhow stressful that can be. 120 614

        In healthy families rules and punishmentsare expressed consistent humane and reasonable 120 614

        Thisproduces a secure environment. You learn to internalize a safe consistent environment and thereby are able to calm and modulateyour feelings. 120 614

        Rules are also flexible and rational and maybe questioned and commented upon. They make sense to you and you aren’t blamed or shamed but told that you broke a rule. 120 614

        Punishments are fair and related to rule violations. They guide andpersuade you to learn from your mistakes. You’re not told you’re“bad ” nor is love withheld which is cruel 120 614

    • 5. Finding solutions 121
      • Key to positive relationships is the ability to problem-solve andresolve conflict 121

        Rather than have recurringfights over the same problem spouses are able to settle disagreements solve problems and involve older children in decisionmakingthat affects them 121

        Parents also guide and teach you how to make decisions by beingsupportive and encouraging and helping you to think through consequencesof your choices 121

        Healthy parenting gives you optionsand allows you to make age-appropriate decisions for yourself 121

        Too much or too little involvement handicaps your ability to makeplans and decisions as an adult 121

    • 6. Loving relationships 121 553
      • In addition to respect healthy families have an atmosphere ofacceptance trust security caring and good-will 121 553

        This begins withthe spousal relationship which is based on love and empathy not control 121 553

        Family members protect and help each other. It’s aplace where you get nurtured encouraged and supported whenyou’re hurt or down. 121 553

        Inevitably there’ll be conflicts and anger butbecause love isn’t withheld nor undermined by abuse peace soonreturns. You can trust your parents and know that you’re lovedunconditionally — even when you make mistakes or disappointthem. 121 553

        You grow into a responsible happy and confident adult accustomed to love and reliability and being treated with respectand kindness. You won’t allow anything less 121 553

  • Dysfunctional families -189
    • Many dysfunctional families look healthy on the outside but theinternal dynamics revolve around a family member’s addiction abuse illness or trauma. Other families are dysfunctional dueto rigid control or lack of love which can cause the children tobecome codependent. 75

      The strongest predictor of codependency ishaving codependent parents 75

      Codependency usually starts with the repression of feelings needs observations and thoughts that is typical in dysfunctionalfamilies. 75

      You learn to numb your hurt distrust your parents andbecome self-sufficient 75

      You hide behind a false or phony personalityand or develop compulsive behaviors to cope 75

  • 11 Symptoms dysfunctional family 75
    • 1. We vs. them 302
      • Dysfunctional families are closed to varying degrees. Some won’tallow differing or new ideas to be discussed among members orwith outsiders. They may not welcome guests or friendships withthose of another race or religion 302

        Think about boundaries between generations 126 165

        Did you have to perform adult tasks or assume adultresponsibilities? 126 165

        Did a parent inappropriately confide with you? 126 165

        Did a parent ask you to talk to your other parent for him or her? 126 165

        Did you believe you had a special relationship with a parentwho excluded your other parent? 126 165

        How did you feel in each of these situations? 126 165

        Talkingabout the family to others is considered disloyal. At bottom areshame and fears of dissimilar ideas. 302

    • 2. Denial 302
      • What truths were dismissed or ignored in your family? 123 -138

        How did your parents do that? 123 -138

        How did it affect you? 123 -138

        Family problems and crises such as a member’s absence illness or addiction never get talked about. Parents think that if they tryto act normal and pretend the problem doesn’t exist maybe it’ll goaway and children won’t notice or be harmed 489

        However this pretense makes youdoubt your perceptions because what you see and know aren’tacknowledged by authority figures. You learn not to question ortrust your parents nor trust your perceptions feelings or yourself even as an adult. 489

        Denial conveys to children that they can’t talkabout something frightening — even to each other. Sadly frightenedchildren sharing the same bedroom who overhear their parentsfight live in fear but often hide their pain from each other. Ifyou repress your feelings observations and reactions — not once but on a regular basis you become numb and depressed 489

    • 3. Secrets 123 -138
      • Closed systems have secrets. Some families hide a shameful secretfor generations — whether it’s addiction violence criminal activity sexual issues or mental illness. The shame is felt by the children —even when they don’t know the secret. If you know the secret butcan’t ask questions or talk about it you feel different damaged orashamed. 123 126
    • 4. Individual and generational boundary problems 125 1
      • Good parenting requires having appropriate and flexible boundariesthat respect your individuality and separateness. In healthy families parents respect your emotional mental sexual and physicalboundaries. 125 77

        In dysfunctional families boundaries are rigid blurred or a mixture. 125 77

        Whenboundaries are too rigid family members are disengaged emotionallyand physically. There may be no feeling of closeness nor affectionshowed. As adults siblings are emotionally distant and familiesdon’t often celebrate together. 125 77

        In other families boundaries are nonexistentor enmeshed. It teaches you that you have no right to setboundaries. Family members gossip and over-react to each other give unwanted advice and invade personal boundaries. Any form ofabuse violates boundaries. Other families are mixed. Children maybe enmeshed with a parent but distant from siblings. 125 77

        Some controlling parents take over your decisions and controlyour hobbies school courses friends and dress. Parents may alsoinvade your boundaries by prying reading your mail questioningyour friends about you or ransacking or taking your belongingswithout permission. 125

        They resist your urge to separate because theywant to be needed. Natural independence is seen as disloyalty andabandonment and you may either rebel or feel guilty when you tryto set boundaries with your parents and with others as an adult. 125

        There’re also generational boundaries between parents and children. 125 455

        Yours were violated if you were put in an adult role. Thismay have happened if one parent became overly close with youand used you as a companion as a confidante to discuss yourparent’s relationship or personal problems or as an ally againstyour other parent. 125 455

        That parent was using you as an emotional surrogatefor the lack of intimacy between your parents and or as anally or pawn in their power struggles. After a divorce generationalboundaries are often disrespected when one parent uses a child toconvey messages to the other parent 125 455

    • 5. Blame and shame — dysfunctional communication 126 354
      • Conflicts between parents frighten children who also often bearthe brunt of their parents’ anger. -35

        Children can become a battleground for couples who don’t communicate -35

        Instead of fightingdirectly parents scapegoat a child by making their child the problemand center of their anger and dissatisfaction with one another. -35

        They argue about their child or parenting and the child feels confusedand torn between them. This also happens frequently beforeand after a divorce -35

        Double messages -86

        • Double messages happen when a parent says one thing and doesanother or makes contradictory demands. Examples are a motherwho says she’s “Fine” while she’s crying a father who teaches“Never lie” but claims his 13-year-old is 12 in order to buy acheaper ticket or a mother who takes a child shopping and says “Pick out whatever you want” but will only buy what she wants -86

        walls of silence

        • Sometimes there are walls of silence or the communication isirrelevant to what’s happening. Children learn not to ask questionsor comment on distressing happenings

          You feel abandoned andisolated from being forced to manage your feelings alone whichis more damaging than the actual events.

          You’re afraid to expressyour thoughts and feelings and “walk on eggshells” because you’reused to being blamed shamed ignored or dismissed.

          Directly orindirectly you’ve been told not to feel or think what you do. Theresult is that over time you repress your inner life and turn offinternal cues that give you data about reality and yourself. As anadult you no longer can identify your feelings and don’t trust youropinions and thoughts.

          you may have been shamed to feel unworthy of love success or anything good or pleasurable. When parents withholdlove or blame and shame their children the shame and fear ofabandonment become internalized

        shaming messages 368

        • “You’re a sissy (bad) (dumb) (lazy) (selfish).”
        • “Shame on you.”
        • “Be a man.”
        • “That didn’t hurt.”
        • “I’ve sacrificed for you.”
        • “Act like a lady.”
        • “How can you do this to me?”
        • “You’re spoiled.”
        • “Grow up.”
        • “Act your age.”
        • “You’re too sensitive.”
        • “Who do you think you are?”
        • “You shouldn’t feel ___.”
        • “We wanted a girl (or boy).”
        • “You’re driving me crazy.”
        • “If it hadn’t been for you . . .”
        • “You can’t do anything right.”
        • “You’ll never amount to anything.”

        Indirect 126 354

        Abusive 126 354

        Dishonest 126 354

        Contains double messages 126 354

        Disallows freedom of expression 126 505

        Invalidates reality and children’s feelings and thoughts 126 505

        Blames 126 505

        Shames 126 505

        Engages in frequent fighting 126 505

        Scapegoats children 126 505

    • 6. Rigid rules 192
      • In some families parents are irresponsible and rules are too lax.Their children lack guidance and don’t feel safe and cared for

        Other dysfunctional families have rigid restrictive rules

        A controllingparenting style can lead to codependency in the children

        Rules often are unspoken like prohibitions about commenting onwhat’s going on the family secret and or subjects deemed “inappropriate ”such as death the holocaust grandpa’s limp or thatfather was married before.

        When rules expect perfection there’sno room for mistakes. Some families restrict the expression ofanger exuberance or crying. There are religious families whereyou’re always expected to feel grateful and forgiving and mustdeny your feelings of hurt anger and disappointment. To curbyour feelings you learn self-control and become overly controlledor controlling all contributing to low self-esteem.

        restrictive rules

        • “Don’t talk back.”
        • “Don’t be direct.”
        • “Don’t be honest. It’s not tactful.”
        • “Be strong perfect and good.”
        • Don’t act silly — it’s immature.”
        • “Don’t express sadness or anger.”
        • “Never praise yourself. It’s conceited.”
        • “It’s selfish to consider your needs or desires.”
        • “Don’t discuss feelings.”
        • “Don’t mention problems.”
        • “I’m right because I said so.”
        • “Don’t ask questions.”
        • “Only trust your family.”
        • “Men only want sex.”
        • “Masturbation is sinful.”
        • “Girls don’t need to go to college.”
        • “Boys and men don’t cry.”
        • “Children should be seen but not heard.”
        • “Eat everything on your plate — like it or not.”
        • “Don’t upset your mother.”
        • “Look at me when I talk to you (while being shamed).”

        There’re some very controlled families that are highly regimented.Order and discipline are valued more than feelings 243

        If you had anauthoritarian parent your self-esteem became dependent uponthat parent’s mood similar to alcoholic families. Studies show acorrelation between codependency and having had a compulsivemother or an authoritarian father regardless of addiction wherethere’s control but little support for your feelings 243

    • 7. Arbitrariness and inconsistency
      • Arbitrary and inconsistent rules are worse than rigid rules. Rulesthat don’t make sense feel unjust

        You never know when you’ll bepunished. This is cruel and breeds confusion feelings of helplessness and unexpressed rage. You live in constant fear walk oneggshells and feel hopeless and resentful because of the unpredictabilityand unfairness.

        Arbitrary punishment undermines yoursense of worth and dignity. You lose respect and trust in yourparents and authority in general. When children are forced tocomply some act-out their emotions with rebellious or delinquentbehavior by doing poorly in school or by using drugs

        Problemsalso arise when parents don’t get along or disagree on parenting.They often contradict each other. You may obey one parent andget punished by the other.

    • 8. Unpredictability
      • Predictability creates safety

        If you never know what mood Momor Dad will be in you can’t be spontaneous and are always anxious.Some families have constant crises due to addiction mentalillness or abuse. Instead of a safe haven the family becomes awar zone from which you want to escape. 734

        Children may developsomatic complaints like headaches and stomach aches. Theybecome controlled to feel safe or act-out behaviorally 734

    • 9. Inability to problem-solve 130 -8
      • Resolving problems and conflicts is key to a smooth-running organization.But in dysfunctional families children and parents areblamed repeatedly and there are constant arguments or silentwalls of resentment. Nothing gets resolved 130 -8
    • 10. Abuse 130 294
      • Neglect 130 785
        • Neglect may happen when parents are physically or mentally ill orabusing drugs 130 785

          It’s the failure of a parent to provide needed food clothing shelter medical care or supervision that threatens achild’s health safety or well-being. 130 785

          Neglected children are robbedof a childhood and have trouble caring for themselves as adults. 130 785

          If they reverse roles and take care of a parent they suffer the addedeffect of generational boundary violations -221

        Physical abuse 81

        • This includes not only violent acts such as hitting kicking biting choking and burning but also shoving slapping pinching hairpulling throwing things destroying property and threats of physicalharm. 81

          Corporal punishment that is done in anger or leavesa burn bruise or welt is also abusive. Most parents have beentempted to strike their child in frustration but if the urge is actedupon it’s motivated by the parent’s emotional need not concern forthe child. 81

          Corporal punishment doesn’t teach correct behavior. Itonly instills fear and shame 81

          Tickling or rough-housing by a parentor older sibling becomes abusive when you want it stopped but areoverpowered or ignored. Continuing is domination by the strongerperson over the weaker. It’s humiliating and disempowering 81

        witness abuse

        • If you witnessed domestic violence or physical abuse of a sibling you were traumatized as if it happened to you. You may feelguilty for not preventing the abuse. This is termed witness abuse

          It includes witnessing a parent violently damage property — likebreaking a door. The rage is what’s terrorizing. You may enjoywatching your father tear down a room to remodel it but be petrifiedto witness it when your parents are arguing

        Sexual abuse

        • Sexual abuse can include any inappropriate touching kissing looking nudity flirting pornography peeping exhibitionism orsexual innuendo stories or jokes.

          When sexual contact with achild is kept secret it’s likely abusive and the secret exacerbatesthe harm.

          Even if you experienced pleasure inappropriate sexualcontact is abusive because it’s over-stimulating and a breach oftrust because you’re being used to gratify the abuser’s needs

          Theage differential is an abuse of power. Victims of sexual abuse feelself-hatred and shame — especially if they experienced pleasure.As adults they have problems with intimacy trust and sexuality

        Emotional abuse

        • Emotional abuse includes verbal abuse

          Emotional abuse can also take the form of withholding love orthreatening or enforcing unreasonable punishment or chores isolation or deprivation.

          Some parents are cold and unaffectionate andothers are unresponsive robotic and ghostlike. As a child it makesyou feel unlovable and rejected and results in problems as an adultconnecting emotionally.

          When parents controlled your activities anddecisions or are possessive and jealous of your friends and lovers you feel smothered or claustrophobic in intimate relationships

          Ifyour parents were hyper-critical continually advising criticizing and improving you you grow up to be hyper-critical of yourself andhave low self-esteem. You believe that you’re never enough — notdoing enough good enough or accomplished enough to secureyour parent’s love or that of a mate. 132 -284

          Some parents with mental illness are cruel and sadistic. One fatherawakened his son each morning at 5 to pick up every leaf that hadfallen the night day before. He later left his son at a gas station ina strange town. A mother killed her daughter’s pet rabbit and gaveaway her son’s athletic trophies. 132 57

        Spiritual abuse 132

        • Spiritual abuse can occur in extremely religious families. Some parentsneglect their obligations to understand guide and teach theirchildren and instead quote Bible dictum that a child can’t understand. 132

          Others instill fear of a vengeful God or shame their childrenin the name of religion. This happened to many homosexuals 132

          Thereverse is also true where atheist parents forbid the mention ofGod or shame their children’s spiritual curiosity and yearnings.Other families indoctrinate their children in cult practices thatmay also include abuse 132

        Abuse is common in dysfunctional families and may take the form ofneglect or physical sexual emotional or spiritual abuse 130 4

        Abuse violatesyour boundaries and seriously damages your self-esteem. 130 4

        Theabuser may be a parent older sibling or other relative. Sometimes older siblings emulate a parent’s abusive behavior and vent theirunexpressed anger on a younger child. Abuse is usually random andunpredictable adding to an atmosphere of anxiety or even terror. 130 4

        Abuse needn’t be illegal or aggressive. Child abuse can be subtle quiet covert and even pleasurable or disguised as play or jokes. 130 4

        Abusers commonly deny their abusive behavior and blame it ontheir victims. Victims also deny and minimize abuse they experiencebecause they feel ashamed even though they’re not at fault. Onlythe abuser is responsible for his or her actions — never the victim.NEVER! 130 4

        Adults who’ve been abused as children have particular difficultywhen it comes to anger safety trust and authority 130 596

        Due to denial many don’t realize that they’ve suffered abuse. Unhealed theyhave difficulty experiencing intimacy. 130 596

        Some enter into abusive relationships.Working through their past helps stop the compulsionto repeat it. 130 596

    • 11. Drug addiction 132 396
      • Not all children of addicts arecodependent but usually families with drug or alcohol addictionhave all the above dysfunctional characteristics and more 132 396

        Still half of adult children of alcoholics remain in denial that they havean alcoholic parent 132 396

        Instead they live in shame and guilt. Themajority has been abused and like victims of abuse has issuesconcerning trust and anger about the past. 132 396

        Chaos and the merry-go-round of denial 132 586

        The household of an addicted parent is monopolized by his or hererratic irresponsible and often tyrannical abusive behavior andthe situation worsens as the addiction progresses. The addict actslike a little despot denies that drinking or using is a problem anddecrees that no one may challenge it. 132 1

        Everyone’s behavior organizesaround the denial of the addict’s disease. They try to maintainnormalcy and protect and enable the addict. They repressthoughts feelings and observations in order not to make wavesand live in fear of another binge disaster or blowup 132 1

        breaking the promises trust hearts and hopes of the spouse andchildren who love him or her 133 –

        This cycle plays over and over again(“The merry-go-round of denial ” originally named by ReverendJoseph P. Kellermann) because despite evidence to the contrary the family continues to believe promises and hopes that the addictivebehavior will end. Before the chronic stage of addiction peaceand normalcy return during sobriety but only add to the disappointment desperation and hopelessness when addictive behaviorrecurs — sometimes without the drug. 133 –

        The personality changes caused by addiction create an atmosphereof chaos 133 185

        Parenting is unreliable inconsistent and unpredictable even though it may be carried out primarily by the soberparent who is highly stressed trying to manage the household irrational demands and crises of the addict. 133 185

        Both parents areemotionally unavailable to the children. If both are addicts they’reboth physically unavailable too. As a child you never have asense of safety and consistency that you need in order to thrive 133 185

        You don’t invite friends over to avoid being embarrassed by youraddict-parent. Your needs get ignored and you learn not to askrather than be disappointed. You become self-reliant and needlessas an adult to avoid anyone having power over you again. Evenwhen one parent is responsible plans and rules are in constantflux due to the unpredictable changes of the addict’s moods anddrug and or alcohol use as shown in the following example 133 185

        The sober parent tells the children bedtime is 9 p.m. only to beundermined by the addict who insists that they can stay up until11 p.m. to watch a movie together. An argument between the parentsensues and the children are suddenly punished by the addictfor something trivial and sent to bed at 8 p.m. They distrust bothparents feel unsafe guilty betrayed and alone and are confusedand angry at the injustice. Their feelings and needs don’t count and they have no one to talk to. 133 372

        Role of the non-addict 133

        Generally the spouse of the addict will try everything from pleasingto threats in an attempt to control the uncontrollable situationof another’s addiction 133

        He or she may try to safeguard the childrenby keeping them away from the addict as much as possible. Thenon-addict parent’s behavior depends upon his or her personality coping style and pre-existing codependency. It often begins bytrying to help and protect the addict and fluctuates between caretaking scolding and blaming and withdrawing emotionally as thedrug addiction and codependency progress. 133

        The non-addict mayeventually act-out with drugs alcohol affairs or other irresponsiblebehavior. When both parents are addicted a child may takethis parental role. 133

        These families tend to isolate from relatives the community andsources of help. You fared better if you had positive role modelsin relatives or others who helped with parenting 134 -29

        Studies showthat it’s harder on you if your mother is an addict and is devastatingwhen both parents are addicted. Younger children are harmedmore than older children and boys are more vulnerable than girls.If the non-addict parent overcomes the pull of denial and codependencyand confronts and holds the addict accountable maintainsfriends and seeks treatment 134 -29

        Roles of the children 134 197

        • Like the spouse the children adopt behaviors to relieve thefamily tension which vary depending upon the child’s personalityand birth order 134 197

          Sharon Wegscheider-Cruse and Claudia Blackeach identified four roles. Some children use aspects of morethan one and play more than one role. Children in other typesof dysfunctional families also develop these roles to varyingdegrees. Over time coping styles become defined roles that lastinto adulthood. Although they served a useful function growingup they prevent you from being fully expressing yourself. Youmay be a rebel or a compliant good student but that role hidesyour true Self. Behaving differently from your accustomed role isdifficult and frightening because it feels like your survival is stillat stake — even after you’ve left your childhood family. Healingrequires that you learn to value and express yourself in all areasof life. 134 197

          1. The Hero 134

          • Often the oldest you’re responsible and the most identified withthe parents. In a chaotic environment you seek structure to createa sense of security. 134

            The Hero provides companionship to the nonaddictparent helps with family responsibilities and may protectand help parent younger siblings 134

            You know what’s appropriateand do the right thing to be successful in school socially and atwork. You develop leadership and organizational skills that arebeneficial in achieving goals in school and into adulthood. 134

            The Hero is used to carrying responsibility and being self-reliant but has trouble trusting and receiving help. Any failure is hardto tolerate because of underlying feelings of inadequacy. You’reserious tend to be rigid and controlled and lack flexibility andspontaneity. 134 575

            You may be uncomfortable playing or relaxing andbecome a workaholic. Some use drugs in order to let go. One day you discover that you have difficulty being intimate and openwith your feelings and are anxious lonely and depressed. 134 575

          2. The Adjuster

          • The Adapter is the child who doesn’t complain and adapts to thefamily the way the wind blows. If you’re an Adjuster you survivedin the unpredictable environment of addiction by not drawing toomuch attention to yourself in the family and at school. Unlike theHero you feel the effect of events and circumstances and are notin charge of your life as an adult. Your challenge is to take controlof your life and pursue your goals.

          3. The Placater

          • The Placater is more sensitive to the actions and feelings of otherfamily members and is hurt more easily. You’re the most caringand derive self-esteem from making others feel good. To survive you tend to others’ emotional needs never learned to consideryour wants and needs and feel guilty when you do. You give morethan you receive. Like the Adjuster you need to discover yourwants feel worthy of receiving them and pursue your goals.

          4. The Scapegoat

          • The Scapegoat acts-out with negative behavior that takes the family’sattention off the addict. As the Scapegoat you were constantlyin trouble at home and at school and have issues with anger andconflicts with friends and co-workers. Your behavior is an expressionof feelings that you can’t communicate and because you neithercomply nor withdraw you attract even more punishment andabuse from your parents and authority figures.

            Many Scapegoatsget arrested for delinquent behavior and begin using drugs and or alcohol as teenagers. In doing so this may bring the parentstogether which may be their unconscious motive despite the consequencesto themselves.

          5. The Lost Child

          • The Lost Child is usually a younger or the youngest child whowithdraws from the family drama into a world of fantasy or books the Internet and computerized games. As the Lost Child you findsecurity in solitude and stay out of harm’s way by being alone.

          6. The Mascot

          • The Mascot is also often a younger or the youngest child whomanages fear and insecurity being cute funny or coquettish torelease tension in the family.

        Identifying the roles

        • Who were the over-functioners and the under-functioners?Which one were you?
        • How did your role make you feel?
        • What function did it serve in the family system?
        • How did it affect your self-worth?
        • What strengths did you derive your role?
        • What did it deprive you of?
        • Imitate another family role to see how it feels.
• Chapter 8: Taking Stock of Who You Are
  • Codependents’ sense of identity is impaired. They wonder“What’s normal?” and “Who am I? They compare themselvesto others feel empty and need someone else to feel incomplete.Discovering who you are is an ongoing process and the first stepto wholeness. 137

    Finding Yourself 137 467

    • Most codependents are so used to accommodating others’ feelings opinions desires and needs that they can’t identify theirown. You tuned them out because of your family’s rules and denial or even before you could speak — before you could recognize yourinstincts and biological and emotional impulses that are part ofyour sensory cues 137 467

      This internal guidance systeminforms you about your needs and feelings helps you make gooddecisions and enables you to accurately assess other people andsituations. Some of you may live your life disconnected from yourbody. The feedback loop from body to brain is not well connected impairing your interpretation of information your body is tellingyou. Healing entails tuning into yourself and re-establishing thiscommunication. 137 467

      Have you thought about what you like and dislike about yourbeliefs and values and taken the time to formulate what you reallybelieve and think? Maybe you’ve been busy studying working raisinga family and pretty much going along with what your parents friends or partner want and believe. Others of you may know yourselfbetter but are afraid to disappoint or disagree with people inyour life. 137 731

      You decide that it’s easier not to rock the boat and don’t realize the high price you pay. 5

      Each time you do this you abandonyourself and your Self gets smaller and your voice gets weaker like a candle about to die out. You may find yourself sleeping more eating more and losing interest in people and activities you usedto enjoy. You’ve “de-pressed” all your natural vitality. Before youcan expect to find happiness in a relationship you must first discoverhow to make yourself happy.

      Your assignment is to becomeyour own best friend

    Spending time with yourself

    • Getting to know someone and becoming friends require timetogether. The real you has been buried and may be shy and requirepatience and safety to venture out. You have to commit to spendingmore time alone to get acquainted with yourself and begin aninner dialogue. Later when you’re around others you can check inwith yourself — that’s harder because you may be tempted to getlost in someone else. You’re beginning a journey of self-discovery 218

      Spending time with yourself doesn’t mean reading or watchingTV alone. (Even that may be difficult if you’re in a relationship.)It means having NO distractions so that you can really focus onwhat’s going on inside. 218

      It’s harder if you have young children butyou can make it a priority. Making yourself a priority is new. It mayfeel unfamiliar and uncomfortable to be alone and quiet withoutdistraction but this is how you get to know yourself and discoverrich and nourishing inner resources 218

      Have no expectations abouthow well or how long you do this. Start with a few minutes at atime and it will become easier. You’re used to a lot of stress andanxiety and it will take time to quiet down. Many breathing andmeditation techniques are also helpful. 218

    Building Self-awareness

    • Getting to know someone means learning their tastes opinions and feelings about things

      Learning about yourself is just the same.Begin listening and watching just as you may observe someone atwork or school before you plan to spend time together. The followingexercises help you gain self-knowledge.

      Daily journaling

      • write about how you feel every day

        what you think

        what you want to do that day and in the future

        writewhatever comes to mind when they first wake up or at the end ofthe day

        begin a sentence with something like:

        “I have nothing to say . . .”

        “I don’t want to do this because . . .”

        “My mind is blank and it feels like . . .”

        “Right now I’m feeling . . . because . . .”

        Generally when you think you have nothing more to write keepgoing. You may have reached an awareness or feelings that you’reblocking. You can begin jotting down your dreams from the nightbefore and your feelings and associations about the images andpeople in them -36

      Self-awareness -36

      • Start paying attention to your conversations during the day. See ifyou can listen to yourself while someone is talking to you. Wonderabout how you feel.

        How often do you agree when you don’t know or disagree but go along to be polite?

        Do you listen when you don’t want to?

        Do you talk to fill an uncomfortable silence? Notice what youfeel.

        Do you ask questions instead of volunteering your thoughtsand feelings?

        Do you deflect compliments?

        Do you apologize often?

        Do you out loud or silently blame or criticize yourself or others?

        At the end of the day write down all you recall and think abouthow you present yourself to others. This should be done likeresearch not in order to judge yourself.

      Ask yourself

      • What do you know about yourself from your behavior?

        What did you really feel or think in interactions with others?If you don’t know think about it and try to decide.

        Did you make a conscious decision not to reveal yourself orwas it automatic?

        What stopped you from being real? What do you imaginewould happen if you were?

        To get better acquainted interview yourself. Start with simplequestions such as “My favorite color is . . . ” “My favorite foodsare . . .” (You can break this down into fruits vegetables desserts etc.) “My favorite movies are . . . ” “My favorite subjects in schoolwere . . . ” and continue finding out about what you like and dislikein music animals fabrics flowers sports hobbies televisionshows books people politicians and so o 0 15

        Write a paragraph oneach of the following questions: 0

        What gives me the most difficulty? 0

        What do I like most (and least) about myself and my body? 0

        What excites me the most? 0

        What was the most courageous thing I’ve done? 0

        What was the biggest risk I took? What did I learn from it? 1

        What nourishes me most? 1

        What did I do that made me the proudest? 1

        What was the biggest challenge I overcame? What did I learn? 1

        Who had the most influence on me? 1

        What kind of work do I enjoy the most? 1

        What was my most painful experience? Did I learn from it? 1

      Listening to your body 1 218

      • Listening to your body will help reactivate the feedback system toyour brain. There are athletes or dancers who know how to moveand control their bodies and whether it’s doing what they want butaren’t aware of the internal emotional information it can provide 1 218

        Some codependents have trouble accurately seeing their body andactually have distorted self-perceptions often larger or thinner orless attractive. Others don’t pay much attention to their body 1 218

        Your body senses things of which you may not be aware. Try sittingquietly. Take slow breaths to relax. Bring your awarenessinto your belly or heart and notice what’s going on. What sort oftemperature color density sounds and movement do you notice? 1 369

        Relax until you receive feedback; then ask this area how you feelabout an issue. Wait for a sensory response. Listen to your bodywith your ears rather than seeing with your eyes. You can alsofocus on an issue in your life and listen to your bodily sensationsaround it. You may get a word a feeling or an image. It may not bean emotion like anger or sadness but merely a physical sensation often a vague and unformed precursor to emotion like heaviness lightheadedness or nausea. You needn’t be afraid. Something istrying to surface. Patience is important. Don’t analyze or jump toconclusions. Just let the feelings and images speak to you. 1 369

      dialoguing with the sensation or image 1 369

      • “How long have you been there?” 1
      • “What was happening when you started?” 1
      • “What do I need to know about this?” 1
      • “What is the worst thing about this issue?” 1
      • “What do you need from me?” 1

    Taking Inventory 2 69

    • Identifying your needs wants feelings and values is a major stepin building your self-esteem and honing the ability to care for yourselfand live a happier more fulfilling life 2 69

      Identifying your needs and wants 2 182

      Codependents have problems identifying expressing and fulfillingtheir needs and wants. You may be very attuned to the needs anddesires of others and are used to accommodating them instead oftheir own. Recovery means turning that around. It requires you tobecome responsible for yourself 2 182

    My needs 2 332

    • For example 2 408

      if you’re feeling sad you may not realizeyou’re lonely and have a need for social connection 2 408

      Even if youdo many codependents isolate rather than reach out. After youknow the problem and the solution you can take action by callinga friend or planning social activities 2 408

      When your needs are met you feel happy grateful safe loved playful alert and calm. When they’re not you are sad fearful angry tired and lonely. Think about how you meet or don’t meetyour needs and what you may do to start meeting your needs 4 -170

      Some people recognize wants but not their needs or vice versa and many get them confused 2 408

      The reason it’s important to haveyour needs satisfied is because you feel emotional pain whenthey’re not. 2 408

      You may be in pain and not know why or which needsare not being met. After you identify your emotions and needs youcan then take responsibility for getting their needs met and feelingbetter. 2 408

    My wants 4 -170

    • Your wants are expressions of your uniqueness. If they weren’tmirrored in childhood 4 95

      Some parents give children material things but they don’tlisten and nurture their children. 4 95

      Others shame their children forwanting something when they can’t afford to or don’t want to fulfilltheir children’s needs or wants. They don’t take responsibility andadmit the truth. There are parents who give their children whatthey think they should have instead of what their children want 4 1

      All of these painful experiences with wanting can result in thebelief “I shouldn’t want.” Rather than be shamed or disappointed codependents shut down their desires 4 1

      Many don’t buy themselveswhat they want even though they can afford it. Others indulgethemselves indiscriminately when they can’t afford it in an attemptto fill an insatiable hunger for the love they’ve missed. 4 1

    Want List of things you can do or get 4 321

    • Get a haircut 4
    • Go to the movies when the children are in school 4
    • Join the choir 4
    • Play basketball 4
    • Take surfing lessons 4
    • Go dancing 4
    • Plant strawberries 4
    • Buy a trampoline 4
    • Learn Spanish 4

    8 Categories of Needs 3

    • 1. Mental 3
      • Information 3
      • Awareness 3
      • Reflection 3
      • Clarity 3
      • Discernment 3
      • Comprehension 3
    • 2. Autonomy 3
      • Independence 3
      • Empowerment 3
      • Solitude 3
      • Freedom 3
    • 3. Social 3
      • Family 3
      • Reciprocity 3
      • Cooperation 3
      • Justice 3
      • Reliability 3
      • Companionship 3
      • Communication 3
      • Connection 3
      • Generosity 3
    • 4. Emotional 3
      • Intimacy 3
      • Acceptance 3
      • Being understood 3
      • Safe to beyourself 3
      • Affection 3
      • Support 3
      • Caring 3
      • Enthusiasm 3
      • Grieving 3
    • 5. Self-worth 3
      • Authenticity 3
      • Honesty 3
      • Self-respect 3
      • Confidence 3
    • 6. Self Expression 3
      • Purpose 3
      • Self-growth 3
      • Goals 3
    • 7. Spiritual 3
      • Contemplation 3
      • Meditation 3
      • Reverence 3
      • Order 3
      • Gratitude 3
      • Hope 3
      • Faith 3
    • 8. Physical 3
      • Rest 3
      • Shelter 3
      • Food 3
      • Water 3
      • Air 3
      • Sex SensualPleasure 3
      • Health 3
      • Medicalcheck-ups 3
      • Movement 3

    How do you feel? 5

    • Your feelings are your guide and it’s vital to pay attention andlisten to them. They’re part of your internal feedback system.Emotional awareness includes feeling them at the level at sensation naming and expressing them 5

      Building your emotional vocabulary 5

      fourbasic emotions 5

      • Sad 6
      • Glad 6
      • Mad 6
      • Fear 6

      Guilt 6

      • Guilt is a combination of anger and fear and anxiety and irritationare milder forms of fear and anger respectively 6

      Honoring your feelings 6

      • Even codependents who know what they feel or can identify a limitednumber of feelings often don’t honor their feelings and don’tshare them often to accommodate others. A common reframe is“What’s wrong with me that I feel this way?” Rather than allow 10minutes of letting your emotions flow you may spend days judgingand resisting feelings becoming more unhappy and depressed.This is dishonoring yourself. Additionally you may tell yourselfthat your feelings are unreasonable weak or dangerous. Althoughfeelings aren’t logical they have a logic and intelligence of theirown. Sometimes a feeling may seem irrational but upon deeperinspection there’s a good reason for them 6 3

        Try to feel the feelingthat’s under the surface. 6 3

        Feelings aren’t signs of weakness; they just are. Whatever you feelis legitimate and you’re entitled to feel it just because you do 6 474

        Thedanger lies in ignoring feelings which can lead to poor decisionsand health problems. 6 474

        Although feelings without reason shouldn’tcontrol decisions they often do when unacknowledged. 6 474

        Finally honoring your feelings also means taking responsibility for them.No one makes you feel something — only you do. 6 474

        Look at the list of your family rules and messages from Chapter 7and see how they may have influenced your attitudes toward feelings.Many people adopt their parents’ rules and beliefs withoutknowing it or ever questioning them. 6 474

      list of new rules and beliefs for yourself 7

      • I have a right to my feelings 7
      • I don’t have to defend them. 7
      • All my feelings are okay even anger and painful ones. 7
      • No one can tell me what I “should” feel even me. 7
      • What I’m feeling will pass. 7
      • My feelings have value and intelligence. 7
      • Allowing myself to feel my emotions is healthy. 7

      Allowing your feelings 7 74

      • Allowing your feelings means to go with them. Often clients ask “Why should I feel (angry hurt sad) it won’t change anything?”This is untrue. 7 149

        Honoring and allowing your feelings change you.Emotions ebb and flow. They pass but resisting them makes thempersist. If not expressed they can get stuck in the body and causemore pain and problems in relationships. 7 149

        When you repress painfulfeelings they can come out sideways explode and sabotageyou. Good feelings like enthusiasm and joy shut down too. Youmay even lose interest in sex or feel passionless. 7 149

      6 Cycle of needs and feelings. 8

      • 1. Needs 8
      • 2. Feelings 8
      • 3. Thinking 8
      • 4. Actions 8
      • 5. Results 8
      • 6. Feelings 8

      Trusting yourself 8

      • If you grew up in a family where your feelings and perceptions weredenied you learned that you couldn’t trust your internal cues — yourobservations impressions and feelings. As a result your ability totrust your feelings and make decisions became impaired. By lookingto others for answers you give up living your own life. Additionally if you’re unable to discern situations and people that are dangerousor not good for you you end up trusting untrustworthy people inrelationships that damage you again creating more distrust. 8 374

        Listeningto yourself and honoring your feelings are the beginnings of trusting loving and protecting yourself. 8 374

        Listen for that small voice you may have ignored in the past. Waitfor it before making decisions 8 563

        Notice what you think you “should”do versus what you want to do. Pay attention to how you feel whensomething feels “right “off ” or uncomfortable. This felt sense may beyour first impression before you override it with logical reasons andignore it or it may require you to spend time in indecision and confusionor get more information about a situation or person in order toget clarity. That’s okay. Don’t rush. Also be aware that your impressionsand feelings change over time as you get to know someone. 8 563

        In making decisions ask yourself “What would be the most lovingthing to do?” and “How do I feel about it?” instead of “What do Ithink about it?” Spend time with yourself deciding before askingothers and listen for your inner voice. It’s especially important towait when you’re in an obsession or emotional reaction and feelcompelled to act. 8 3

        Listening to yourself is also the gateway to uncovering your passion 9 11

        Following your heart despite whatothers may say involves risk. Yet this is how you build confidence.Only you can know what’s right for you. 9 11

        Your credo 9 198

        Your credo is made up of your principles concepts and beliefs thatgovern your decisions and influence your feelings. You give moretime and attention to the things you value most. Something thatviolates your values may make you angry or afraid. Being wholeincludes knowing what you stand for. This is part of your journeyof self-discovery. 9 198

        It’s important because when you accept others’behavior or behave contrary to your core beliefs you undermineyour integrity and self-esteem. 9 198

      Integrity 9 198

      • Integrity means integration of yourvalues beliefs and behavior — that you “walk your talk.” Holding toyour values despite opposition builds integrity and personal power 9 198

        identify your values 9

        What makes you the angriest about things in the world? 9

        Which organizations or charities do you or would you support? 9

        What mentors or public figures do you respect or admire? Why? 9

        Which religious beliefs do you agree and disagree with? Why? 9

        What are your political views? 9

        What book and movie genres do you most enjoy? 9

      Choose ten of the following values 9 462

      • Freedom 9
      • Equality 9
      • Beauty 9
      • Justice 9
      • Recognition 9
      • Friendship 9
      • Wealth 9
      • Creativity 9
      • Religion 9
      • Adventure 9
      • Charity 9
      • Education 9
      • True love 9
      • Family 9
      • Pleasure 9
      • Harmony 9
      • Health 9
      • Achievement 9
      • Easy lifestyle 9
      • Service to others 9
      • Nature and planet 9
      • Truth 9
      • Respect 9
      • Compassion 9

      Now that you know your values notice if your words and actionsmatch your values. If not re-evaluate your values and what influencedyou to depart from them. If you did how did it make youfeel? One example may be if you spend most of your time doingthings you don’t value and not doing what you do. 0 -165

    Can You Just Be You? 0

    Authenticity 0 -8

    • Authenticity means being honest and genuine. It requires congruenceor alignment between your words and actions values andmotives. For this you must know yourself and gradually risk bringingthe real you into the world by expressing and acting on whatyou know. This is a major part of overcoming codependency.People do this in therapy and in Twelve Step meetings when theyrisk revealing themselves and exposing their vulnerability insteadof reacting. 0 182

      You ranked your values now make a list of virtues and qualitiesyou want to have. Make a second list of qualities as you see yourselfright now. How do they match up? Question yourself to see ifyour activities goals beliefs and values are in alignment. Are youwilling to be honest with qualities you dislike? This is a difficult but a necessary step toward self-esteem and authenticity. Facingthe truth is the beginning of change. 0 182

      Your self-perception may be untrue if you’re unable to discern thetruth from labels given you in childhood. 0 182

      The ongoing process of self-discovery challenges you to discoverwho you really are to live from that truth and to discard all ofwhat isn’t you including those old false beliefs 0 332

• Chapter 9: Nonattachment and Acceptance
  • Codependents become overly attached — not because theylove so much but because they need so much. Attachmentis based upon need — need for someone to be a certain way sothat you can feel okay. This chapter is about changing your badhabits and erroneous beliefs that keep you reacting and attachedin unhealthy ways. You can learn to enjoy your life despite anotherperson’s problems and behavior. Change begins with taking a lookat codependent patterns of managing and controlling reacting andworrying and obsessing. They’re all interconnected but for thesake of discussion this chapter addresses each separately 1

    9 Signs of Codependent Attachment 2

    • 1. Your moods depend on X. You can’t be happy if X isn’t 2

      2. You have strong emotional reactions to X’s opinions thoughts feelings and judgments 2

      3. You worry and think about X’s problems 2

      4. You analyze X’s motives or feelings 2

      5. You ponder what X is doing not doing thinking or feeling 2

      6. Your attention to X prevents you from having time for orinterest in your career hobbies activities or friends. 2

      7. You only want to spend time with X and drop other activitiesif X disapproves or won’t accompany you. 2

      8. You try to please X because you’re afraid of rejection. 2

      9. You’re anxious about doing things alone. 2

    Signs of Nonattachment 2

    • if you’re nonattached rather than controlothers you’re compassionate and encourage them 2

      Ratherthan manipulate others to like you you’re authentic. 2

      You haveno need to argue or persuade others but are curious and respectfulof differing points of view. 2

      You honor their need for space orsilence and meanwhile enjoy your time alone or with someoneelse. 2

    3 Non Attachement Concepts 2

    • 1. Having appropriate boundaries 2
    • 2. Accepting reality 2
    • 3. Being in the present not the past or future 2

    Non Attachment Charateristics 2

    • Nonattachment is a way of separating the unhealthy emotionalglue that keeps you fused in a codependent relationship 3 -303

      involves letting go of your expectations and entanglements withother peoples’ problems and affairs of reacting to things they sayand do and of obsessing and worrying about things 3 -303

      You mindyour own business. 3

      It doesn’t take away your feelings and concernbut channels them in a healthy manner. 3

      it’s more compassionateand loving than codependent attachment 3

      Nonattachment doesn’t mean neglecting family responsibilities orleaving someone 3

      Physical proximity is irrelevant nonattachment although physical space or separation may be useful as a meansof centering yourself but this is not what detaching means. 3

    4 Benefits – Why let go of attachment? 3

    • Letting go reaps you profound benefits not only in the relationship but in personal growth inner peace and all areas of your life. 3

      1. You learn to love 3

      • Being nonattached in a relationship is the most loving way to bepresent and practice unconditional love with someone. How is thisparadox possible? 3

        When it comes to relationships the underlyingprinciple of nonattachment is honoring another person’s separatenessfrom a deeply felt place. 3

        Think of letting go as stepping backfrom your personal needs to see the larger picture 3

        Imagine thereality that both you and the other person are two separate peoplewith diverging needs genetics life experiences and perspectives both whole and capable. 3

      2. You gain peace freedom and power 3

      • Whatever or whomever you’re reacting to or trying to fix or control controls you 3

        When you stop managing judging or helpingsomeone else your mind is free from worry. 3

        You’re off the hookfor their choices and the outcome of their problems 4 1

        You’re freerto be yourself and you allow others to do so as well. 4 1

        When you take the further step of learning to let go of your reactions and areable to detach from other people’s moods actions and words you take back your power. 4 1

        Instead of a reactor you become a selfdeterminedactor in your life. 4 1

        You take charge of yourself and yourthoughts and decide how you will act in that moment and everymoment. 4 1

        You choose your behavior independently of others. 4

        Thisskyrockets your self-esteem. When off the emotional rollercoasterwith someone else your mind is at peace regardless of how roiledup he or she is. 4

        You take back the power to control your mind feelings and self-esteem. 4

      3. You gain time for yourself 4

      • When you let go of responsibility for someone else you’re nolonger consumed with watching to see if he or she is meeting hisor her responsibilities 4

        You have that much more freedom and canlive your life instead of living someone else’s 4

        This allows you todevelop yourself and your career hobbies interests and friends 4

      4. Each person learns independence and self-responsibility 4

      • Nonattachment also allows both you and the other person to takeresponsibility for your own lives. 4

    What Are Your Responsibilities? 4

    • It’s natural to desire happiness for your loved ones and painfulto see them suffer but codependents make the leap of feelingresponsible for others’ pain and happiness 4

      It’s so upsetting thatthey try to change the negative feelings and solve the problemsof people close to them. 4

      The fact is you can only heal your half ofthe relationship — yourself. 4

      You’re responsible for your thoughts feelings actions and theconsequences of those actions and other people are responsiblefor theirs 4

      Cheering someone up occasionally or giving him or her moreattention is not codependent 4

      A benefit of a good marriage is thatspouses nurture one another when one is troubled but it’s support not codependent caretaking and it’s reciprocal. 4

      when you consistently try to change others’ moods or solve theirproblems you’re becoming their caretaker based upon the erroneousbelief that you can control what’s causing their pain 5

      You’reassuming responsibilities that are theirs not yours. 5

      Sometimescodependent couples agree that one spouse has the obligationto make the other happy. 5 7

      This is an impossible task and leads tomutual unhappiness anger and resentment 5 7

      Another pitfall for codependents is that they take too muchresponsibility and blame for the problems in their relationship 5

      They try to change themselves (the human pretzel solution) inorder to make the relationship work. 5

      The belief is “If I caused theproblem then I can learn what I did wrong change myself andthen the problem will go away.” 5

      Taking responsibility isn’t the same as blaming yourself. 4

      Codependents do too much of that already. 4

      The former is just anadmission — an acknowledgement that “I said (or did)” something.Period! It doesn’t make you a terrible person. 4

    Self Discovery 4

    • List the things for which you feel responsible. Include familyand work responsibilities. Distinguish between responsibilityto others and responsibility for others. What’s the difference? 5 369

      List each responsibility you assume for others who canmanage that responsibility 5 369

      Review your list of needs 5 369

      Write actions you can take to be responsible for meeting yourneeds. 5 369

      Create a plan to make time to meet your responsibilities andneeds and let others manage their own lives 5 369

    Managing and Controlling 6

    • Managing and controlling behaviors which include caretakingand enabling violate others’ boundaries 6

      Managing someone’s lifeshows disrespect. 6

      It sends the message that the person is incompetentand needs your help. 6

      Underneath are your fear and expectationsabout that person’s life 6

    Knowing what’s best. 6

    • I’m uncomfortable so youhave to change. What youdo might hurt me so I haveto watch and control you.I’m responsible for you andhave to make sure you makeno mistakes (according to me) because you can’t take careof yourself (according to me)without my help. 6

      In reality you can’t know what’s best for someone else givenhis or her individual background experiences and desires. 6 185

      Managing can start with little things like giving advice on yourhusband’s clothes your teenager’s diet or your girlfriend’sromance. 6 185

      Attempts to change control and give unwanted adviceare codependent patterns that undermine the others’ self-esteem 6 185

      Perhaps you lend a sympathetic ear to their problems and suggestsolutions 6 185

      Soon you end up in the role of fixer counselor orcheerleader and become increasingly entangled in their choicesand upset that their behavior doesn’t meet your expectations 6 185

      You begin to watch their every move to see if they are doing the“right” thing 6

    12 Signs that you are Managing and Controlling 6

    • 1. You judge advise or nag to change X’s behavior or beliefs 6

      2. You repeat prodding questions. 6

      3. You follow pry or try to get information about X. 6

      4. You repeatedly do things for X that X is capable of doing. 6

      5. You enable X 6

      6. You do things for X that you don’t really want to do. 6

      7. You meet X’s needs or offer help without being asked orbefore there’s any agreement about it. 7 -257

      8. You do more than your share or give more than you receive inrelationships. 7 -257

      9. You try to fix X’s bad feelings 7 -257

      10. You do X’s thinking for him or her 7 -257

      11. You solve X’s problems 7 -257

      12. You speak for X. 7 -257

    Children on Controlling 7

    • When it comes to children teaching is different than control whichbreeds resentment and rebellion. 7

      You naturally exercise appropriateauthority over young children but as they mature good parentsrelinquish age-appropriate decisions and tasks to their children 7

      Some parents control and enable their children too much who thenas adults they don’t know how to be responsible for themselves 7

    Fear underlies control 7 279

    Controlling behavior is based upon dependence and fear of theconsequences that others’ behavior has on them and on you. 7 279

    What if you were asked to help? 7 468

    • This is a good and difficult question. The answer is it depends.You may think “I’m not interfering controlling or crossing aboundary if I’m invited to help.” That’s not necessarily true.Consider the following: 7 468

      You still may be interfering with the person’s opportunity tofind strength problem-solve and be more independent. Doesit frighten you that you won’t be needed? 8 -303

      Once you start you may fall into a pattern of taking over andcontrolling. You may want to get follow-ups and monitor theperson’s behavior and the outcome. Can you help and let go? 8 -303

      If you have a history of helping the person and it’s not reciprocated you’ve assumed the Top Dog fixer role becoming responsiblefor Underdog in a relationship that’s out of balance. 8

      Are you reinforcing your controlling and caretaking habits? 8

      How may you offer support without caretaking? 8

    Self Discovery-Write about the following 8

    • Whom and what do you try to control fix or manage? 8

      Specifically how do you attempt this? 8

      What are your motives in the situation? 8

      Do you feel any resentment or self-pity about helping? 8

      Are you “sacrificing” or taking care of your own needs? 8

      Does helping make you anxious frustrated or tired? 8

      Would you feel too guilty to say “No?” 8

      Do you think that you know what’s best for the person? 8

      What’s your worst fear if you stopped? 8

      How would you feel if you stopped? 8

      How do you feel when someone tries to change or control you? 8

      Are you able to listen to problems without offering advice? 8

      How would it feel to ask for help or emotional support? 8

      Do you give advice that isn’t followed? How do you think itmakes the other person feel? How does that make you feel? 8

      Do you ever feel used or unappreciated? 8

      When you do something for someone he or she can do howdoes it make you feel about you and about the other person? 8

    Expectations plant seeds of resentment 8 593

    • They create problemsin relationships when you have an agenda about the kind of person you want your partner to become and how he or sheshould behave. -227

      Having expectations is a prescription for pain -227

      They cause you disappointment and plant seedsof judgments which grow into resentments. -227

      They spread likewildfire and burn any good feelings you have toward the person. -227

      They spread likewildfire and burn any good feelings you have toward the person.No one likes to be judged including you. If you have a cat youdon’t expect your cat to act like a dog. -227

      You wouldn’t expect a catto swim and take a hike with you. If you do you’re going to makeboth you and your cat very miserable. Soon you’d become furiousand begin to hate your cat. -227

      Now when you expect someone closeto you to behave in a way that he or she doesn’t want to or that’sagainst his or her nature you both end up resentful -227

    Are your expectations unreasonable? 0

    • To determinewhether they’re reasonable 0

      How have your expectationsturned out in the past? 0

      Were they met? 0

      What does this tellyou about the other person and about yourself? 0

      Look objectively at your relationship and ask yourself what you’vesaid and done to achieve your expectations and what has the otherperson said and done. 0

      Consider your motives and whether you’veclearly communicated your desires without resentment blame or criticism. 0

      Don’t expect someone to read your mind 0

      That’s anunreasonable expectation! Make sure you courteously ask for whatyou want. 0

      If you’ve asked someone repeatedly to make a changeand he or she doesn’t it’s unreasonable that more requests manipulation or nagging will make a difference 0

    Are you in reality? 0 128

    • If you notice that you have fantasies about your relationship orhow you’d like your partner to behave there’s a good chance thatyou’re denying your unhappiness in the present and are escapinginto the future. 0

      Consider which of your needs aren’t being met now 0

      Are you avoidingtaking responsibility for your own happiness? 0

      Have you discussedyour dissatisfaction with your partner and listened to hisor her views? 0

    What about reasonable expectations? 0

    • Nonattachment doesn’t mean that you should accept abuse or behaviorthat goes against your values 0 411

      Being responsible for yourself alsomeans that you don’t allow someone to treat you badly. 0 411

      You mayneed to have a frank conversation to resolve your conflicts and setboundaries if you’re being abused. 0 411

      When you try tocontrol your partner by pleasing or manipulation you get more of thebehavior you don’t want 0 411

      If neither approach is effective think aboutwhy you want to continue the relationship and consider joining a supportgroup and obtaining professional help 0 411

      When it comes to addiction 0 601

      It’s unreasonable to expect an addict not to practice his or heraddiction 0 601

      Acting surprised disappointed angry or hurt that analcoholic gets drunk is like being upset that the sun rises 0 601

      Nothing you say makes any permanent difference 1 500

      You come to realizethat your words and enabling actions are futile and only breedresistance. 1 500

      stopping addictive behavior is so difficult foraddicts that anyone attempting to influence them distracts themfrom the problem of their addiction. 1 500

      You become the obstacle intheir mind. 1 500

      Controlling and enabling actually prolong an addiction 1 500

      Addicts and abuserslove to blame their behavior on someone else 1 500

      They try to makeyou responsible for their actions and addiction which are absolutelynot your responsibility and you can tell them so 1 500

      Assumingresponsibility for them enables their addiction and keeps denial inplace so they don’t have to be responsible for their actions. 1 500

      powerless over other people 1 613

      It may be difficult to change your behavior and practice nonattachment.Before you can let go of control you need to acceptthat you’re powerless over other people 1 613

      Nonattachment respectsthe addicts’ choice to practice their addiction even though it’sself-destructive and even if you disagree with it. 1 613

      After you get out of the way and stop controlling and or enabling and protectingan addict from the truth you prepare yourself to set boundaries 2 -165

      This allowsthe other person to experience the consequences of his or heraddiction and take responsibility for his or her actions. 2 -165

    Self Discovery-Ask yourself: 2 23

    • Do you believe you’re powerless over people? 2 23
    • Do you feel responsible for someone’s addictive behavior? 2 23
    • Do you believe you can convince him or her to stop it? 2 23

    Getting Triggered and Reacting 2 249

    • “triggers” 2 324
      • Even when you’re not controlling it’s easy to react and over-reactto people and events. Codependents react to others’ needs feelings judgments behavior and desires. Your thinking and feeling becomebased upon what’s going on inside someone else. There are reactionsand over-reactions signaled by their intensity and duration.How upset are you and for how long in proportion to what triggeredyou? What you over-react to — your “triggers” — are unique to you 2 324

        You’re reminded of a painful interaction you’ve had with someonein your past that you re-experience it in the present. In some casesthe trigger may be innocuous. Common signs of being triggered arewhen your reaction is disproportionate to the incident. For example someone cuts in line at the market and you blow up you get veryanxious when someone is 10 minutes late or you hear somethingdifferent than what was actually said. 2 324

    • Catastrophizing 2 476
      • Some people catastrophize everything. 2 476

        They over-react and makemountains out of molehills about whatever doesn’t go their way 2 476

        They’re constantly overwhelmed and anxious reliving the dramaof their childhood. 2 476

        Others feel compelled to react by taking actionand doing something about whatever arises in order to quell theirinner emotions. 2 476

        Unfortunately because the action is not thoughtthrough completely it often makes matters worse. 2 476

        They need tolearn to “Don’t just do something; sit there!” 2 476

    People react in many ways 3

    • Blamers (“It’s your fault.”) 3
    • Placaters (“Whatever you say.”) 3
    • Apologizers (“I’m sorry you feel that way.”) 3
    • Distracters (Acting irrelevant e.g. combing hair or joking) 3
    • Seducers (Kiss and make up.) 3
    • Computer style (“We were only 17 minutes 20 seconds late.”) 3
    • Withdrawers (“I don’t want to talk about it.”) 3
    • Attackers (“You lousy_*!#%!”) 3
    • Professorial (“My opinion is evidenced-based.”) 3

    Martyr (“I can’t do anything right.”) 3

    Arguments escalate when you react in one of the above styles. 3

    Blurred boundaries prevent you from really seeing each other. 3

    You can always opt not to play. Answer thesequestions: 5 -164

    • Who triggers you? 5 35
    • What behaviors trigger you? 5 35
    • Write about each trigger and the feelings you experience. 5 35
    • How do you react? Do you always react in the same way? 5 35
    • What happens to the other person? Does he or she react back? 5 35
    • Do your reactions help the situation? 5 35
    • What past persons events and feelings do they remind you of? 5 35
    • Try reacting differently and answer the above questions again. 5 35

    Worrying and Obsessing 5 35

    • worrying about what may come to pass orobsessing about a person is an attempt to control — even if only inyour mind? 5

      people equate love and worry andwould feel guilty not worrying even though it causes stress andis counterproductive. 5

      the worry you imagine generallydoesn’t arrive or at least not in the same way. 5

      Even if it does worryingdidn’t change the outcome 5

      Nor does it effectively prepareyou to handle problems when they do arise such as acquiringinformation and support and centering yourself with prayer andrelaxation. 5

      worry and obsession drain you 5

      They can alsomake you react in rehearsed or habitual ways that are inappropriateto the actual circumstances because worrying and obsessingtake you out of the present 5

      Nonattachment helps you to be morepresent and loving to yourself and others 5

      Being in the here andnow is the first step in finding solutions to all problems 5

    3 Baby Steps – Acceptance 5

    • Acceptance is a process 5 601
      • It doesn’t happen in a day a week or amonth but takes effort and proceeds in baby steps and missteps 5 601

        reclaim your power over your mind and will 6 -141

    • 1. List all of the people and things over which you’re powerless 6 48
    • 2. List the things you’ve tried in attempting to change someone 6 48
    • 3. Write your feelings about others’ reactions to you 6 48
      • What feelings and beliefs prevent you from letting go? 6 48

    what acceptance means 6 161

    • It’s not resignation which suggests a passive stance thatemanates from hopelessness. Acceptance is a positive steptoward taking charge of your life and responsibilities 6 275

      It doesn’t mean you approve of the facts. Rather acceptance isan acknowledgement that those facts exist — like them or not 6 275

      It doesn’t mean that you must accept abusive or unacceptablebehavior. This is a common misconception. The fact ismany people aren’t aware that they’re being abused and don’tacknowledge it as such. Consequently they don’t confront it.With acceptance you’re able to change your behavior seeksafety and support and set boundaries. 6 387

    Why acceptance is important 6 387

    • Before you can choose to act differently you must accept theworld on its terms and then consider your options. 6

      The alternativeto acceptance is an eternal war with reality. 6

      It’s a losing battle 6

      In relationships it places you in a disempowered position of beinga victim and fixating on someone who is neither your responsibility nor in your capacity to change. 6

      By being in opposition to whatis you’re in a constant state of turmoil within yourself and in conflictwith the person whom you’re trying to control. 6

      It’s a choice ofhaving a mind at war or at peace. 6

    5 Tools for Practicing Nonattachment 7 288

    • 1. Focus on yourself 7
    • 2. Re-mind mantras 7
    • 3. Live and let live 7 628
    • 4. Mind your own business 8 38
    • 5. Let go and let God 8 188
    • The three Cs 8 188
      • 1. You didn’t Cause it. 8
      • 2. You can’t Control it. 8
      • 3. You can’t Cure it. 8
    • Prayer 8 565
    • Meditation and mindfulness 9
    • Time-outs 9
    • Journaling 9
    • Doing the opposite 9
    • Acting as if 0
    • Removing labels 0 252
    • Visualizing 0 1
    • Having a Plan B 1 -74

    4 Don’ts – Non Attachment 8

    • 1. Don’t watch 8
    • 2. Don’t expect 8
    • 3. Don’t judge 8
    • 4. Don’t obsess 8

    What to Expect 1

    • From you 1
      • Expect to feel guilty when you don’t help others as you have in thepast. It may be very difficult to change this pattern. Yet it’s easierwhen you realize that your help isn’t helping but hurting in the longrun. At other times you have glimpses of feeling centered peaceful free and empowered. Serenity and freedom need some getting usedto when you’re accustomed to feeling trapped and anxious 1 267
    • From others 1 530
      • Expect others not to like your changes. The Underdog may try tomake you feel guilty and manipulate you into helping and caretaking 1 530

        Relatives and others may accuse you of not caring or being selfishor self-centered. They won’t understand what you’re trying to doand may want you to return to your old ways which are familiar tothem. They also may want you to take care of Underdog for theirpeace of mind or so they don’t have to. This is another reason why asupport group is very important. 2 -60

• Chapter 10: Learning to Value Yourself
  • Imagine your self-esteem as a neglected garden overgrownwith sprawling weeds that invaded what was once natural andbeautiful. The seeds of those weeds blew into your childhood andhave taken over your psyche in the guises of a Critic a Pusher anda Perfectionist. To heal and regenerate your garden you must pullthe weeds prepare and fertilize the soil and sow new seeds. Yourgarden also needs sunlight and water for nourishment and regularhoeing to prevent weeds from returning. 3

    3 – The Tyrannical Trio — the Critic Pusher and Perfectionist 3

    • Before pulling weeds you must be able to identify them. They’rehiding in plain sight — your inner dialogue 3

      1. The Critic 3

      • Taming the Critic 4
        • Sit quietly and notice your thoughts. You may hear yourselfsaying “I can’t do this. I’m not good at it.” Listen to that stringof putdowns! 4 272

          Make a list of all the things you don’t like about yourself ineach area of your life. To help you complete the sentence “Idon’t like myself when I . . .” Listen for criticisms as they popup during the day and add to the list. Be alert when you talkto yourself using the words “should ” “always ” or “never ”your Critic is at work. 4 272

          If you’re feeling bored frustrated down or having uncomfortableemotions they may be symptoms of negative thinking.Trace back to a preceding event and thoughts you had aboutit and about yourself 4 272

          Notice your Critic’s voice — the tone volume and words. Dothey remind you of someone who spoke to you that way in thepast? Children emulate their parents’ words and tones andinternalize them. 4 272

          Dialogue with the Critic on paper writing questions with yourdominant hand (usually the right) and answering with yournon-dominant hand. Discover the Critic’s name function rolemodels and motives. How does it really feel about you? (Yournon-dominant hand has greater access to your unconscious.) 5 4

          No matter how mean the Critic is be respectful. You’remaking friends. Ask it how it would like to improve your flaws and specifically its motives and desires with respect to each.You may discover that the Critic has good intentions. 5 4

          Teach the Critic to be friendlier. Instead of putdowns let theCritic know that it would be more effective to be a supportivecoach to speak to you in a cheerful encouraging tone. Writeexamples of how you want your Critic to talk to you. See whatthe Critic says about this. You may need to insist that namecallingis off-limits. 5

          You must be vigilant in interrupting and taming your Critic just as if you’re taming an unruly dog. Each time the Criticstarts in tell it “Stop ” and remind it how you’d like to bespoken to. If it slips one by you old habits are reinforced 5

      • The Critic is thevoice that judges you and criticizes you and what you say anddo. 3
      • The Critic is never satisfied nor thinks you’re good enough 3

      2. The Pusher 3

      • The Pusher chimes in and pushes you to perform and improveyourself to meet the Perfectionist’s illusory standards. 3

        The Pusher — your slave driver 5

        The Pusher pushes you into action to get things done. 5

        It likes to bebusy. 5

        The problem is it can become a slave driver. 5

        The Pusher isalways looking for ways to improve you your partner your environment and your work. 5

        There’s always too much to do in too little time. 5

        You can be resting or trying to relax but the Pusher’s call to actionreminds you of a dozen undone things. 5

        It may even get you off thecouch. 5

        The Critic teams up with the Pusher to make you feel guiltyfor all you haven’t done and finds flaws the Pusher can correct 5

        Ifthe Critic thinks you’re fat and need to exercise the Pusher gets youinto action and together with the Critic harasses you for not doingenough to lose more weight faster. 5

        A strong Pusher won’t let youmiss work when you’re sick or take a vacation without bringing workalong to “catch up.” 5

        Yet you never catch up because the Pusherwould be out of a job. 5

        If you’re injured or physically limited in someway the Pusher and Critic make you miserable for not getting thingsdone. 5

        On the bright side a Pusher can help you achieve your goals but there are always more. 5

        get to know your Pusher better 6 -38

        finish the sentences 6 -38

        • You push me to accomplish more because . . . 6 -38

          You won’t let me relax because . . . 6 -38

          What would happen if I took it easy and you (the Pusher)stopped pushing me? 6 -38

          When did you first start pushing me? 6 -38

          Complete this sentence for yourself not the Pusher: If I gavemyself permission not to do some things on my list I’d feel . . . 6 -38

          Complete this sentence for yourself not the Pusher: Pushingmyself to accomplish more deprives me of . . . 6 -38

      3. The Perfectionist 6 152

      • The Perfectionist — nothing’sgood enough 6 152

        The Perfectionist has unreachable ideals concerning everythingabout you your behavior and the people in your life 6

        It lives ina world of illusion. 6

        perfectionism isdriven by shame 6

        Although the Perfectionist may focus on mistakes orderliness your body athletic ability or creativity at itscore is the belief that you’re not adequate in some way — attractiveenough good enough smart enough strong enough and soon. 6

        Perfectionism is an escape from these painful beliefs 6

        You mayfind it hard to complete tasks because your work is never perfect 6

        The Critic judges you for not meeting the Perfectionist’s unrealisticstandards. 6

        The fact that there’s no such thing as “perfection” ismeaningless to the Perfectionist because it would be out of a job. 6

        The antidote for perfectionism is self-acceptance 6

        Rememberthat to accept something you don’t have to like it only to acknowledge it — as is. 6

        Some things about yourself you can change; others you can’t 6

        Paradoxically until you accept yourself it’s difficult to change atall because you’re in conflict with reality. 6

        Self Discovery 6

        • Make a list of your beliefs about yourself 7 183
        • In what ways do youfeel you’re not enough? 7 183
        • How do your beliefs affect your actions? 7 183
        • Look in the mirror and say “I unconditionally accept myself justas I am.” 7 183
        • Can you mean it — without choking? 7 183
        • Do you like whatyou see? 7 183
        • What objections come to mind? 7 183
        • You don’t have to like what you see only to face and acceptthe reality that this is you. 7 183
        • Repeat aloud “I accept myself unconditionally even though ____.” 7 183
        • If you can’t then state “I accept myrefusal to accept that I’m (fat).” 7 183
        • Do this mirror exercise over a fewweeks. 7 183
        • Write your feelings in your journal. Notice any changes inyour attitude as you progress. 7 183

    Building Self-Esteem 7 -8

    • The buck stops with you 8

      Taking responsibility for your feelings and actions is key to buildingself-esteem; otherwise you’ll continue to feel like a victim anddependent upon others’ feelings and behavior over which you haveno control. 8

      Notice when you think about what someone else should bedoing. Stop and ask what you need to do. (See Chapter 9.) Forexample you may tell someone to exercise or get more restwhen you need it. 8 7

      When you’re feeling hurt angry or sad do you want focuson someone else’s behavior? Think about your contributionto how you feel and ask what you can do. For example allowyour feelings write in your journal talk to a friend or go havesome fun. 8 590

      When something goes wrong or plans go awry do you blamesomeone else? Do you get frustrated in dealing with people onthe phone or driving in traffic and start to criticize them? Takeresponsibility for your feelings. Breathe and relax. 9 -135

      If you’re late for an appointment or a deadline do you makeup phony excuses or expect concessions and extensions fromthe other person rather than owning your tardiness? 9 -135

      When you have a problem consider how you can help yourself. 9 -135

      How do you feel when you are self-responsible? Whenyou’re not? 9 8

      In the areas where your self-responsibility is low write aboutwhat you can do to start taking more responsibility. If you’retempted to focus on why you can’t make changes look forways that you can. If you have a disability find things that giveyou pleasure and people to help you do what you’re unable todo yourself. Notice what beliefs and feelings stop you. 9 8

    Self Discovery-Write a paragraph completing these sentences 9 8

    • I’m passive because . . . 9
    • I allow the behavior I don’t like is because . . . 9
    • If I accepted responsibility for my body I’d . . . 9
    • If I stopped blaming my spouse for my unhappiness I’d . . . 9
    • If it were totally up to me to get what I want I’d . . . 9
    • If didn’t blame my parents for my problems I’d have to . . . 9
    • If I took responsibility for how I treat my family I’d . . . 9
    • If I took responsibility for my finances I’d . . . 9
    • If I stopped procrastinating about . . . 9
    • If I stopped waiting for things to change I’d . . . 9

    The truth sets you free 9

    Codependents are afraid to reveal themselves because at bottomthey don’t accept themselves. They’re afraid that people will beangry at them and leave if they told the truth. If you act phony thenyou always doubt the good feelings others have about you becauseyou think that they don’t really know you. 9 620

    Write a paragraph about the consequence if: 9 620

    • You didn’t worry about hurting people’s feelings? 0 7
    • You didn’t just go along with other people’s decisions? 0 7
    • You didn’t give up your time or listen when you didn’t want to? 0 7
    • You said no when you wanted to? 0 7
    • You told people when they disappointed you or hurt yourfeelings? 0 7
    • You were more honest about your opinions? 0 7
    • You weren’t afraid to show your anger? 0 7
    • You admitted when you didn’t know the answer or what to do? 0 7

    Giving yourself credit where due 1

    Acknowledge yourself 1

    • Get into the good habit of listing three positive traits orbehaviors about yourself each day. List ten if you can; evensmall things like holding the door for someone or saying goodmorning to co-workers to whom you don’t ordinarily speak 1

      List things for which you’re grateful. Gratitude blocks negativity.It’s hard to be judgmental and grateful at the same time 1

      Go over your list of self-criticisms and write encouragingstatements to counteract each criticism. Think of what youwould say to a toddler learning a new skill. Be gentle andpatient with yourself. Tell yourself “I love and accept you ”“You’re doing great ” “I’m so proud of your progress.” Remindyourself of small positive changes and how you’ve turnedthings around in the past. 1

      Arm yourself against the Critic. Sometimes when you dosomething positive the Critic steps in to minimize or negateit and looks for mistakes or reasons to tear you down. ThePerfectionist says it wasn’t quite perfect or good enough.Confront and argue with them. 1 309

    Your assets 2 104

    • Make a list of your positive traits. 2 198

      Make a list of your skills and abilities. 2 198

      Make a list of things you’ve accomplished. (If you can’t thinkof anything start with this: you learned to read!) 2 198

      Notice how you feel when complimented. Start saying “Thankyou” — end of sentence 2 198

      Write about whether and for what you received praise growingup. (In some families only negativity is allowed and noone ever gets credit.) 2 198

    Keeping commitments to yourself 2 198

    • It’s typical of codependents who wouldn’t think of breaking a datewith a friend to consistently break commitments to themselves 2 529

      “Tomorrow I’ll start a diet.” “Tomorrow I’ll go to the gym.”Whenyou do this you’re abandoning yourself — unless in someinstances it may be more loving to rest rather than do what youplanned. 2 529

      There’s only choice and consequence and you’re responsiblefor your choices and actions. Try always to choose in yourhighest self-interest — which may not give you immediate gratification but result in long-term benefits and improved self-esteem.This is the way you nourish your garden and keep it healthy 2 529

    Self-Acceptance and Self-Love 3

    Self-acceptance 3 135

    • Letting go of guilt 4

      analyze these questions 4 –

      What were my motives? Go deep with this. Was a deepermotive to feel secure or lovable? For example childhood shopliftingmay have been motivated by a desire for peer acceptanceor adultery by a need for love or retaliation for hurt. 4 24

      What were the circumstances and my knowledge at the time? 4 24

      In what way was I trying to take care of myself? 4 24

      What made my choice seem the best at the time? 4 24

      Was anyone harmed by my actions? 4 24

      Do I need to make amends? To whom? 4 24

      What did I learn from this experience? 4 24

      How would I handle this differently today? 4 24

      Write a compassionate letter to yourself forgiving yourself as youwould write to a child who’d made a mistake — a child that youlove and want to teach and forgive 4 24

      Self-acceptance means that instead of thinking about how you needto be different you accept who you are. 3 135

      Catch yourself making comparisonsto others — both positively and negatively. Perhaps you’recomparing your insides to others’ outsides. Stop 3 135

      Stop and remember thatyou and everyone else have a singular unique fingerprint 3 135

    Self-love 4 7

    • Whereas acceptance is an attitude toward yourself love is a combinationof both feeling and action 5 3

      Many think self-love is egotismor narcissism but actually egotists and narcissists don’t lovethemselves at all. 5 3

      A “big ego” is compensation for lack of self-love.Codependents think too little of themselves not too much 5 3

      Love for your Self is healthy. 5 3

      The Bible says “Love they neighboras thyself.” You’re a human being as worthy of love as anyone else.Contrary to the idea that self-love is selfish and takes away fromyour ability to love others the opposite is true. 5 6

    Practicing self-love 6 84

    • Loving yourself is a life journey and goal that starts with selfknowledge 6 168

      It’s the core of recovery and rewardsyou with enormous benefits — increased self-esteem peace well-being health and loving relationships with others 6 168

      You canconsider it a spiritual practice because it requires awareness reverence and kindness toward yourself as one of God’s creations 6 168

      Loving yourself for 10 minutes a day is a good start but it’s anongoing process. 6 168

      You have opportunities to do so throughout theday — often moment to moment — in your actions and the wayyou listen and speak to yourself 6 168

      Self-love also means having good will toward yourself 6

      Try seeingyourself through compassionate and understanding eyes as youmay see a child pet or close friend 6

      Look for the positive motivebehind your actions — it’s usually self-preservation — and that’sokay. 6

      Your actions are a result of what you’ve learned from yourparents and experiences to date 6

      By compassionately observingand thinking about your behavior you increase your opportunitiesto change it in the future. 6

• Part III: The Skills: Taking Action
• Chapter 11: Finding Your Voice
  • Expressing Yourself 9

    Communication involves more than your words 0

    • Eyes 0
      • Eye contact movement moisture expression and focus 0
    • Face 0
      • Expression 0
    • Body 0
      • Voluntary and involuntary movement including posture gestures and muscular tension 0
    • Skin 0
      • Color (such as blushing) and perspiration 0

    voice communicates through 0

    • Volume 0 24
    • Pitch 0 24
    • Cadence 0 24
    • Tone and emphasis 0 24
    • Fluidity 0 24
    • Enunciation 0 24

    Setting Boundaries 8 -8

    • Setting boundaries draws a line between you andsomeone else 8 -8

      It often requires that you say “No ” 8

      “I don’t wantto . . . ” 8

      I don’t like that . . . ” 8

      “I’m not willing to . . . ” 8

      “Stop it.” 8

      It’san advanced level of stating an “I” position 8

      This can be difficultbecause even when you can express yourself you may not believethat you have a right to say “No.” 8

      All the reasons you may hesitateto take an “I” position are intensified when you stand up for yourself. 8

      Setting boundaries feels confrontational — although it needn’tbe but it takes practice practice and more practice 8

      Why set boundaries 8

      • Boundaries indicate respect for others and for you 8

        Setting boundariesshows that you’re taking responsibility for caring for andprotecting yourself. 8

        Don’t advise or tell others what to do anddon’t let them tell you. 8

        Don’t blame them and don’t let them blameyou. 8

        Respect others’ bodies beliefs thoughts feelings and materialthings and require that they respect yours 8

    Your feelings 8 185

    • Practice tuning in to yourself during conversations and listen toyour body 8 374

      Are your muscles tightening heart racing or mind blurring? 8 374

      Your body may be preparing to fight or flee indicating anattack. 8 374

      You may not be aware of anything in the moment but hoursor days later have feelings traceable to the conversation. 8 374

      You may need to set limits with yourself. 8 374

      For example to workmore or less spend less time on the phone or stop volunteeringyour time and energy. 8 374

      When you’re tempted to blame someoneelse ask yourself whether you need to set a boundary concerningthat person’s behavior or your own. 8 374

    Trust and safety 8 468

    • Codependents look to others to make them feel safe 8 468

      You may notrealize that you’re feeling unsafe because you don’t trust yourself to set boundaries 8 468

      When you prove to yourself that you can say“No ” then you feel freer to say “Yes” and allow more intimacy inyour life. 8 610

      You trust yourself and feel safe because you know thatyou won’t get close to someone who’s violated your boundaries. 8 610

    Self-esteem 9 75

    Benefits from setting boundaries 9 75

    • 1. Youget the behavior you want 9 75

      2. You get the added boost to your selfesteem from honoring your needs and standing up for yourself 9 75

      3. you get stronger and it gets easier. 9 75

      4. You can letgo of control and be more spontaneous to say “Yes” and “No.” 9 75

      5. Yourealize that saying “No” to someone is saying “Yes” to you. 9 75

      6. You won’t control others or allow them to control or abuse you. 9 75

      7. You receive more respect and your self-esteem and sense of freedomand power grows and grows. 9 75

    Self Discovery 9 75

    • Practice saying “No” once a day for a week. Remember that“No” is a complete sentence 9 75
    • Practice not answering questions 9 75

    How to set boundaries 9 405

    • you have to think and not react 9 405

      You won’tbe able to set them until you’re ready and clear about what youwant 9 405

      Nagging yelling blaming and complaining are reactions thatfocus on the other person and aren’t boundaries 9 405

      Until your wordsmatch your actions you’re not setting a boundary and I guaranteeyou you’re going to be ignored. 9 405

      An ultimatum given in desperationis also a reaction and often not taken seriously 9 405

      So take yourtime and don’t pressure yourself or feel self-critical for waiting 9 405

    Your bottom line 0 0

    • To set limits you need to know your bottom line. Think of twoboundary-setting situations where: 0 0

      A. You are asked to do something you don’t want to do. 0 0

      B. Someone else’s behavior bothers you 0 0

    Do’s and Don’t’s of Setting Limits 104

    • Do
      • Be calm
      • Use “I” statements
      • Make eye-contact
      • Be direct and frank
      • Speak firmly and naturally
      • Be warm
      • Relax
      • Listen
    • Don’t
      • Apologize ramble or waffle
      • Blame scold nag get angry
      • Bring up the past
      • Justify and explain
      • Be sarcastic cold superior
      • Fidge
      • Use a loud or soft wavering voice
      • Say “You know” or “I mean”

    Confronting abuse 527

    • Emotional abuse may start innocuously but grow as the abuserbecomes more assured that you won’t leave the relationship 3 3

      Itmay not begin until after an engagement marriage or pregnancy 3 3

      Ifyou look back you may recall telltale signs of control or jealousy. 3 3

    Prepare to confront the abuse by doing the following 3 -104

    • Start to recognize instances when you’re emotionally abused.Watch the abuser’s tactics and write them down. Think of itas research data rather than taking it personally. 3 -104

      Pay attention to how you feel in your body and your feelingsat these times. A knot in your stomach or a change of moodindicates that the interaction is making you feel badly. Identifyyour feelings 3 -104

      You must first feel that you’re entitled to more respect. Do theexercises in previous chapters 3 -9

      Practice saying “No” and setting limits with strangers thenwith nonthreatening acquaintances and people in your life.The more you value the relationship the more anxious youare. Work up to doing this with the abuser where you canexpect a reaction. 3 -9

      Work on childhood issues of abuse to help you handle conflict 3 227

      Take an assertiveness class 3 227

      Join a Twelve Step program and or get counseling to help youboth raise your self-esteem and deal with an abuser. It usuallytakes the support and validation of a group therapist or counselor to be able to stand up to abuse consistently.Without it you may doubt your reality feel guilty and fearreprisal or loss of the relationship. 3 227

    other effective ways torespond shown in the following examples 3 416

    • Start by asking for clarification. Say “Would you please repeatthat?” or “Would you please explain what you mean when youcall me a jerk?” 3 416

      State your feelings. “Do you realize that calling me names hurtsmy feelings?” You may soon discover the abuser doesn’t care 4

      State an observation. Casually without blame comment “Youseem to like putting me down (interrupting me giving orders).” 4

      Imply boundaries. “You’re entitled to your opinion ” or “Wedisagree ” or “I don’t see it that way ” and add “I’ll think aboutit.” Reply to blame with “I don’t take responsibility for that.” 4

      Try humor which defeats the abuser’s motive of havingpower over you but don’t be sarcastic. 4

      Agreeing with the criticism surprises the abuser and stopsthe criticism: “It was really dumb of me to forget to mail thatletter.” or “I’d win ‘slob of the month’ award.” or “I guess I’llnever be a good enough son.” You can qualify your agreementwith “You may be right.” 4

    Recognizing domestic violence 5

    Domestic violence means physical abuse 5

    • which includes damagingproperty or your belongings 5
    • hair pulling 5
    • kicking 5
    • slapping 5
    • hitting 5
    • bruising 5
    • burning 5
    • shoving 5
    • blocking with a weapon 5

    Violenceis about control and always begins with emotional abuse althoughemotional abuse doesn’t precede physical abuse. 5

    If there’s physicalabuse in your relationship it will likely be repeated. 5

    Promises thatit won’t happen again occur after an incident when the abuser isremorseful. 5

    Victims are dependent on their partners and continue tostay with them hoping and believing the abuser’s promise 5

    Living with domestic violence destroys your self-esteem. 5

    The safety of you and your children should be your numberoneconcern. What can you do? 5 194

    • Improve you communication skills 5

      Build your self-esteem 5

      Join a Twelve Step program and enter individual therapy. Thismay be more helpful than couple’s therapy. 5

      Practice setting boundaries to emotional abuse 5

      Don’t enable the abuser by maintaining secrecy about theviolence or addiction. Secrecy isolates you from help and supportand increases the abuser’s control over you. 5

      Learn all you can about domestic violence 5

      Be prepared to leave quickly. Plan how to exit in advance 6

      Alert neighbors to call the police if they hear loud disturbances 6

      Arrange a place to stay with a friend or relative. Have a bag inyour car and or at your safe place with extra medicine and keys jewelry cell phone address book. Pack children’s clothes 6

      Keep the numbers of a local shelter and hotlines handy 6

      Copy and pack important legal documents such as birthcertificates court orders passport and bank home and carownership records. 6

      Open credit card and bank accounts in your name; be sure topack credit cards checkbooks and cash. 6

    Coping with boundary setting 6

    Handling Conflict 6

    • Conflict in relationships is inevitable 6

      It’s natural that two peoplewill have miscommunications and different desires and needs 6

      Infact it’s said that in every misunderstanding there are six peopleinvolved: the couple and two sets of parents. 6

      This is because whatyou witnessed while you were growing up in your family influencesyour values perceptions and expectations. 6

      Knowing this is differentthan accepting it. Think 6

      Think about your differences realize thatthey come with any relationship and try to accept them unlessthey violate your bottom line and are non-negotiable 6

    There are no villains and no victims 7

    Rules of engagement 7

    • To manage conflict in your intimate relationships together establishand write down rules to govern arguments such as not bringingup the past 7

      Allow each other to call time-out and have timelimitedtalks to give you space in between to think things over. 7

      Repeating and even role-playing each other’s position can be veryhelpful 7

      If conflict continues without resolution consider couplescounseling. 7

• Chapter 12: Recovery and Your Family Friends and Lovers
  • Sexual attraction and attachment cause you to overlook red flags.When in the relationship the very traits you liked can be problems 0 468

    Your Partner 9

    Your Family Members 1

    Your Dysfunctional Friends 3

    Healing your family relations 3 -8

    • Your parents don’t have to heal for you to get well. 3 -8

      Cut-offs don’t heal 3 -8

      You don’t have to like your parents but you probably lovethem — even though you may not feel it. 3 -8

      Active addiction or abuse by a parent may trigger you. Setboundaries and practice nonattachment 3 -8

      You can’t change or rescue family members 3 -8

      Indifference not hatred or anger is the opposite of love. 3 -8

      Hating someone else interferes with loving yourself 3 -8

      Unresolved anger and resentment hurt you 3 -8

    Codependency Phobia 4

    Codependency in the Bedroom 5

    Dating 7

    Types of relationships 7

    • 1. Casual or Functional Meeting 8
    • 2. Acquaintance 8
    • 3. Activity Partner 8
    • 4. Friend 8
    • 5. Romantic Partner 8
    • 6. Marriage or Longterm Partner 8

    Friendships can take years to develop. If you expect them to happenin a few months of knowing someone you may be disappointed asyou learn more about the person. If you add sex to the equation then it’s a romantic partner although some people have sex witha casual stranger acquaintance or activity partner. If you do it’s amistake to expect your lover to want to spend time with you outsideof sex so it may be important to find that out if you can be friendsfirst. Otherwise you may end up feeling used or let down. 8 260

    For starters 9 -39

    Physical attraction tells you nothing about the person’s integrityor capacity to respect you and maintain a healthy relationship 9 -39

    Making good choices is based upon knowing and valuing yourself your needs wants and standards and knowing the other person. 9 -39

    Self-acceptance means that you don’t judge or deny your needs orvalues in order to make a relationship work 9 243

    Closeness vs. separateness 9 243

    Codependents use a self-defeating all-or-nothing approach todating. Either you feel intense physical attraction coupled withan underlying fear of abandonment or you’re bored and indifferent.When you’re interested in someone you soon discloseyour history and deep feelings and secrets in order to feel close.Boundaries merge quickly and you become dependent drop hobbiesand plans with friends. Soon you stop being honest and pleaseand manipulate in order to protect the wonderful feelings of beingwith the other person. 9 291

    Sex 0 -104

    • Before having sex with someone you’redating think about 0 39

      What are your desires and expectations concerning having asexual relationship? Do you want an exclusive relationship? 0 39

      If you haven’t discussed this with your partner why not? 0 39

      How will having sex affect you emotionally? 0 39

      What are the health risks? 0 39

      How do you feel about sexually transmitted diseases (STDs)?If you don’t know get the facts about STDs. Most people don’tknow when they’re infected. Only a test can be relied upon 0 39

      Sex and dating can be a minefield for codependents with poorboundaries and self-esteem. Both men and women use seductionto hide their fears of inadequacy and that they don’t know howto be authentic and intimate. 0 39

      The one seduced may interpret theattention to mean more than sexual attraction and manipulation.Women often have difficulty saying “No” to sex that they don’twant to have because they feel responsible for their partners’sexual needs and or so men will continue dating them. 0 39

      Doing somay lower their opinion of themselves and their self-esteem. Sexbecomes a substitute for intimacy to reduce their depression andloneliness. Real intimacy takes time together self-esteem skill and trust 0 39

    Never have sex: 0 468

    • If you’re afraid 0 468
    • If you feel guilty or obligated 0 468
    • To win someone’s love 0 468
    • To change or manipulate someone 0 468
• Chapter 13: Going for the Gold — Healing Your Past
  • The Wounded Child 1
  • Your child’s characteristics 2 260
    • Imperfect 2 260
      • Makes mistakes 2 260
      • stumbles 2 260
      • forgets 2 260
      • spills things 2 260
      • Needy 2 260
    • Playful and creative 2 7
      • Uses limitless imagination 2 7
    • Spontaneous 2 7
      • Responds to changing ideas feelings and needs 2 7
    • Dependent 2 7
      • Needs adults for help instruction andencouragement 2 7
    • Immature 2 7
      • Acts like a child not a grown up 2 7
    • Vulnerable 2 7
      • Expresses all needs and feelings 2 7
    • Authentic 2 7
      • Appears without defenses or pretense 2 7
    • Innocent 2 7
      • Is unashamed of being bad defective or not enough 2 7
    • Enthusiastic and energetic 3 3
      • Exudes excitement and zeal 3 3
    • Loving and lovable 3 3
      • Gives and deserves love 3 3
  • Your child’s needs 3
    • Coreneeds of a child are: 3
    • Unconditional love 3
    • Safety 3
    • Being listened to 3
    • Touch 3
    • Guidance 3
    • Respect 3
    • Nurturing 3
    • Play 3
    • Encouragement 3
  • Nurturing your child
    • Listening
      • Create quiet alone time to hear what’s on yourchild’s mind. 5 485
    • Mirroring 5
      • Repeat what your child says and name feelings such as “I hear that you’re sad.” 5
    • Understanding: 5
      • “It was unfair that you were treated that way.That must have hurt a lot.” 5
    • Acceptance: 6
      • “It’s okay. You’re not bad for feeling (angry hopeless confused).” All feelings are okay. 6
    • Empathy: 6
      • “I know how you feel.” 6
    • Consolation and comfort: 6
      • “You won’t always feel this way. Itwill get better.” 6
    • Encouragement 6 -30
      • “You can do it and we can do it together.” 6 -30
    • Unconditional love 6 -30
      • Say “I love you” in the mirror even foryour seemingly damaged parts 6 -30
  • Grieving Your Losses — Feel to Heal 8
    • Rationalizing 8 553
      • “My parents did the best that they could ” or“They didn’t know better.” Even if these statements were true they deny the effect they had on you. 8 553
    • Justifying 8 817
      • “My dad had a rough childhood ” or “I was a difficultkid.” 8 817
    • Minimizing 9 38
      • “It wasn’t so bad. I know kids who had it worse.” 9 38
    • Avoidance 9 38
      • Using an addiction (including food work andrelationships) to avoid feelings. Thinking it’s in the past anddoesn’t bother me. “Grief won’t change anything ” or “My parentsare dead now anyway.” 9 38
    • Intellectualizing 9 113
      • “I know all about it ” but without feelings 9 113
    • Premature forgiveness 9 113
      • Forgiveness before working throughgrief can abort the process and block the healthy release ofemotions that keep you stuck. 9 113
  • The childhood you missed 9 679
    • Experiencing the death or separation from a loved one or pet 9

      Knowing all the things your friends could do that you couldn’t 9

      Finding the lack of a happy carefree childhood 51

      Giving up the illusion of having had a happy childhood 51

      Giving up the hope you can get today what you didn’t before 51

      Having parents absent from PTA meetings athletic events oryour graduation performance or award ceremony 51

      Not having friends over because you were too embarrassed 51

      Preferring someone else as a parent because something waslacking in your relationship with your parent 51

      Going through things alone or having no one to talk to 201

      Being physically or emotionally abandoned 201

      Feeling your parents’ divorce and its consequences

      Not receiving encouragement guidance or financial support

      Being excluded from an inheritance

      Feeling unsafe or not trusting family members

      Seeing the damage and lost time your past has caused and theenergy and money you must spend to heal now

      Missing an extended family

      Experiencing ruined holidays birthdays and vacations orhaving had none

      Experiencing the inability to enjoy healthy intimacy andrelationships

      Feeling damage to your self-esteem and ability to love

      Missing specific feelings such as spontaneity joy and fun

      Losing innocence including virginity from incest or rape

      Missing successes or goals you may have achieved

  • Faces of grief -201
    • Mood swings 26
    • Fatigue and exhaustion 26
    • Memory gaps 26
    • Obsessive thoughts 26
    • Confusion 26
    • Feeling lost aimless and lack of meaning 26
    • Feeling spacey and disorganized; difficulty thinking 26
    • Anger including rage self-pity and bitterness 26
    • Shame and guilt 26
    • Feeling stuck and unable to move on 26
    • Hopelessness 26
    • Crying sorrow and sadness 26
    • Deadness emptiness or sense of unreality 26
  • 5 Stages of grief 365
    • 1. Denial 517
      • Believing you feel fine or your childhood washappy or minimizing or excusing parents’ behavior 517
    • 2. Anger 517
      • Anger can last a long time; it’s important not to getstuck there and to allow your sadness 517
    • 3. Bargaining 517
      • Thinking “If only . . . ” about the past or makingdeals with God about the future 517
    • 4. Depression 517
      • Caused by sorrow and sadness which mayinclude feelings of emptiness and hopelessness 517
    • 5. Acceptance 517
      • Doesn’t mean that you forget or are okay withwhat happened but that you see your past objectively withoutdenial or strong emotions about what happened to you 517
  • Suggestions for healing
    • What stage are you with respect to each loss? Track stagesas you experience them but don’t judge how far along you’vecome because the stages recycle

      Allow yourself to feel whatever feelings you’ve identified without justifying your parents’ actions or blaming yourself.

      Share your feelings where it’s safe and find productive waysto vent your anger.

      Write a letter to your parent(s) stating:

      • What was done to you
      • How you felt then
      • How you feel about it now
      • How it has affected you

      Read the letter to someone you trust

      Imagine your parent in a chair and read the letter aloud

      Deeply relax and imagine your parent and share the letter

      Think about what you want from the person today.

  • Acceptance -98
    • Acceptance is key to moving on whereas grief and resentmentprevent growth. Your fate included your parents and they’re partof you like it or not -98

      Some people ask if forgiveness is necessary to heal 15

      Forgivenessshouldn’t bypass grief but be a natural consequence. 15

      It’s a process and if given too soon can abort healing — if withheld toolong can prevent you from moving on. 15

      Unresolved anger andresentment can turn into guilt low self-esteem and shame andcan spill over into current relationships 15

      When grieving is completed you discover new hope and energyto live your life — more than if you don’t grieve

      You accept yourchildhood and that these were your parents

      A burden has beenlifted and you feel lighter.

      You can focus on your future becauseyou’re not controlled by your past

      You gain self-esteem selfcompassion and a sense of well-being.

      You’re able to risk trustingand loving in more realistic and healthy ways

  • Keep in mind what forgivenessis and isn’t. It: 15
    • Means you let go of your hurt and resentment
    • Means you let go of any desire for retribution or compensation
    • Doesn’t mean condoning the abuser’s actions
    • Doesn’t mean forgetting
    • Doesn’t necessarily mean being friends or having a relationship
    • Doesn’t mean trusting or being vulnerable to the abuser
  • Confrontations
    • You don’t have to confront the abuser in person to heal

      Theperson may be dead too old or infirm.

      Whether or not you decideto have a personal confrontation follow the suggestions in thisbook — to come out of denial strengthen your support system self-esteem boundaries and assertiveness and to heal grief anger and shame.

      Confrontation should be for you — without unrealistic expectationsthat the abuser will magically change 3

      Prepare to be attacked

      You’reprobably challenging denial that has been maintained for years andif you’re focused on getting something from the abuser you may bedisappointed

      If you’re seeking revenge you have unfinished angerwork to do and a confrontation may leave you feeling guilty and preventor prolong reconciliation if you want it one day.

  • Before confronting a parent or abuser ask yourself:
    • What are your motives?
    • What do you hope to accomplish?
    • What are your expectations?
    • Can you live with your worst imagined outcome?
    • Do you have a strong support system?
    • Are you secure in what happened to you in the face of denial?
    • Are you secure in knowing it wasn’t your fault?
    • What do you still need and want from your family?
    • Can you live without it or without contact with them?
    • Are you prepared to handle blame and angry reprisals?
    • What if you get no reaction?
  • Healing Trauma 411
    • Trauma can be emotional physical or environmental and canrange from experiencing an earthquake to humiliation by a bully

      The focus here is on emotional trauma which is a stressful eventor ongoing situation that overwhelms your ability to cope withwhat’s happening

      Some of your childhood losses such as any kindof abuse or divorce may have been traumatic

      Kinds of trauma 235 -141

      With codependency traumatization usually starts when youwere very young so you hadn’t yet developed coping skills that ahealthy adult would have 235 -141

      Events had a greater impact on you thenthan they would today. 235 -141

  • Examples of traumatic occurrences are 235 -141
    • Betrayal 235 -3

      Abuse; remember that it may be subtle or covert andcan be as damaging as violence if enduring. Physical andsexual abuse are both physical and emotional traumas 235 -3

      Addiction or living with an addict 235 -3

      Death of a loved one or physical or emotional abando 235 -3

      Pain 235 -3

      Threat of physical pain harm or abandonment 235 -3

      Helplessness 235 -3

      Poverty 235

      Real or threatened loss of anything of value 235

      Witnessing a trauma to someone else including survivor guilt 235

  • Symptoms of trauma 235
    • Trauma is a subjective experience and differs from person toperson. Each child in a family will react differently to the sameexperience and to trauma 235 297

      Symptoms may come and go and maynot show up until years after the event 235 297

      You needn’t have all of thefollowing symptoms to have experienced trauma: 235 374

      Over-reacting to triggers that are reminders of the trauma 235

      Avoiding thinking experiencing or talking about triggers forthe trauma 235

      Avoiding activities you once enjoyed 235

      Feeling hopeless about the future 235

      Experiencing memory lapses or inability to recall parts oftrauma 235

      Having difficulty concentrating 235

      Having difficulty maintaining close relationships 235

      Feeling irritable or angry 235

      Feeling overwhelming guilt or shame -29

      Behaving in a self-destructive manner -29

      Being easily frightened and startled -29

      Being hypervigilant — excessively fearful -29

      Hearing or seeing things that aren’t there -29

      Having restricted feelings — sometimes numb or emotionallyflat or detached from emotions other people or events -29

      Feeling depersonalized; a loss of Self or cut off from your bodyand environment — like you’re going through the motions -29

      Having flashbacks of scenes or reliving the past event -29

      Having dreams or nightmares about the past -29

      Experiencing insomnia -29

      Experiencing panic attacks -29

  • Post-traumatic stress syndrome (PTSD) 348
    • Post-traumatic stress syndrome (PTSD) is not uncommon amongcodependents who experienced trauma or grew up with a practicingaddict. 348

      Core symptoms of PTSD 348

      Intrusive thoughts in the form of dreams waking flashbacks or recurring negative thoughts 348

      Avoidance of reminders of the trauma including forgetting oravoiding sleep and shutting down feelings or numbness 348

      Hyperarousal putting your nervous system on alert creatingirritability exhaustion and difficulty relaxing and sleeping 425

      Trauma is debilitating and robs you of your life. Often a person hasexperienced several traumas resulting in more severe symptoms such as mood swings depression high blood pressure and chronicpain. Focus on treating both the trauma and codependency 425

  • Treatment 425
    • 8. Effective therapies of Trauma –
      • 1. Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT): CBT is recommendedfor PTSD and associated thoughts feelings and beliefs -3

        2. Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR):EMDR uses eye movements to alter beliefs and feelings. Theeye movements affect the brain’s patterns -3

        3. Emotional freedom technique (EFT): EFT is based on tappingacupressure points that reduce emotional reactivity. -3

        4. Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT): REBT challengesbeliefs and thoughts without reviewing the past -3

        5. Visualization: This lessens the impact of an event by reexperiencingit in a safe situation with the aid of an advocateor protector to gain a new perspective and coping strategies -3

        6. Psychodynamic psychotherapy: This helps you to identifytriggers change your thoughts and beliefs handle emotions conflicts and symptoms created by the trauma set boundaries and increase your self-esteem and self-compassion -3

        7. Desensitization: This a technique used in various forms oftherapy to reduce your reactivity to triggers. -3

        8. Support groups including Twelve Step programs: Tellingwhat happened and listening to others discharges your emotions informs you about trauma breaks down shame andhelps you to handle emotions and rebuild confidence andtrust. Groups are an excellent adjunct to individual therapy.They don’t usually afford you the privacy and individual attentionneeded to focus on the personal aspects of the traumayou experienced.

      A number of treatments have been shown to be successful to treattrauma 727

      Talking about what happened to you in a group setting isuseful but it won’t be as effective as working one-on-one with atrained therapist in an environment where you feel safe to expressyour feelings and receive feedback 727

• Chapter 14: Healing Pleasures
  • Coming to Your Senses
  • Making Time to Play 5
  • Creating a Spiritual Practice 8
  • Reaching Out to Friends 3
• Chapter 15: Coping with Relapse
  • Replays Are Normal 5
  • Triggers 8
  • Crossovers and Sequels 9
  • Coping with Relapse 4
• Part IV: Standing on Your Own: Leaving Codependency Behind
• Chapter 16: Relationships that Work
  • Relationship Success 9
  • Self-Development and Relationships 8
  • Intimacy 2
  • Coping with Loneliness 5
• Chapter 17: Empowering You
  • Self-Empowerment 7
  • Following Your Bliss 292
  • Setting Goals 295
• Chapter 18: Where to Get Help
  • Twelve Step Meetings and Support Groups 3
  • Psychotherapy
  • Recommended Reading 9
  • Emergency Numbers 0
• Part V: The Part of Tens
• Chapter 19: Ten Ways to Love Yourself
  • 1. Have a Spiritual Practice 3
  • 2. Receive Support 4
  • 3. Meet Your Needs 4
  • 4. Have Fun 5
  • 5. Protect Yourself 5
  • 6. Accept Yourself 5
  • 7. Gentle Yourself 6
  • 8. Encourage Yourself 6
  • 9. Express Yourself 7
  • 10 Pursue Your Passions 7
• Chapter 20: 10 Daily Reminders
  • 1. Do Focus on Yourself
  • 2. Do Let Go 0
  • 3. Do Trust Your Experience 0
  • 4. Do Honor Your Feelings 1
  • 5. Do Be Yourself 1
  • 6. Don’t React 2
  • 7. Don’t Hurry 2
  • 8. Don’t Worry 3
  • 9. Don’t Try to be Perfect 3
  • 10. Don’t Isolate 4
• Stages of Codependency
  • Stage 1
    • Attracted to needy person; offers help, gifts, meals
    • Attempts to please the person
    • Obsessed with the person and his or her behavior
    • Rationalizes and doubts own perceptions
    • Denial about addiction, but concern grows
    • Gives up own activities to be with the person
    • Family and social life affected
    • Increasingly emotionally dependent on the person
  • Stage 2
    • Denies/Minimizes painful aspects of relationship
    • Hides from others painful aspects of relationship
    • Anxiety, guilt, and self-blame increase
    • Self-esteem lessens
    • Withdraws from outside family and friends
    • Obsessively watches the person and addiction
    • Tries to control by nagging, blaming, manipulation
    • Anger and disappointment due to broken promises
    • Resentment at inability to control the person
    • Mood swings and increased conflict and violence
    • Enables and manages the person’s responsibilities
    • Hides family secret (addiction)
    • Uses food, alcohol, drugs, shopping, work to cope
  • Stage 3
    • Develops physical symptoms
    • Feels angry, hopeless, and depressed
    • Obsessive-compulsive behavior, addiction
    • Further decline in self-esteem
    • Despair and lack of self-care
    • Increased conflicts
• Recovery Mindsets
  • Stage 1
    • Hits bottom and reaches out for help for self
    • Learns about codependency and addiction
    • Joins Twelve Step program and/or therapy
    • Begins to have hope
    • Comes out of denial
    • Learns recovery is for self
    • Refocuses on self
    • Begins to build own identity
  • Stage 2
    • Understands powerlessness
    • Begins reliance on a spiritual source
    • Begins to detach
    • Self-awareness grows
    • Makes new friends
    • Develops outside activities
    • Stops enabling and controlling
    • Learns assertiveness
    • Takes responsibility for own self
    • Increases self-care and self-esteem
    • Sets boundaries and less reactive
    • More emotional independence
    • Heals childhood wounds
  • Stage 3
    • Happiness doesn’t depend on others
    • Self-esteem and confidence return
    • Has own power and pursues goals
    • Is expansive, creative, spontaneous
    • Experiences self-love
    • Capacity for interdependency and intimacy
• Traits of Codependents
  • 1 Confusion between love and pity; they love those they think they can rescue or pity

    2 Constantly attempting to do more than their share

    3 Exaggerating their responsibility for what other people do

    4 Difficulty with intimate relationships and moral boundaries

    5 Lack of trust; both in themselves and other people

    6 Fragile feelings that are hurt whenever their efforts aren’t recognized

    7 Dependence on at least one relationship, which they will do almost anything conceivable to keep

    8 Unhealthy need for recognition or approval

    9 Needing to control others

    10 Difficulty in making decisions

    11 Feeling guilty for asserting themselves

    12 Problems with communication

    13 Consistent anger and/or difficulty expressing it

    14 Inability to adjust to change

    15 Fearful of being alone or abandoned

    16 Problems with understanding basic feelings

    17 Low self-esteem

    18 Obsession for someone else

    19 The need to be a caretaker

    20 Chronic lying and deception

    21 Dependency on someone else for their own needs

    22 Depression

    23 Denial

    24 Procrastination

    25 Anxiety

    26 Repression of personal needs

    27 Perfectionism

    28 Compulsive talking

    29 Dependency on over-possessive relationships

• Codependency Quiz
  • 1 It’s hard for me to identify my feelings.

    2 It’s hard for me to express my feelings.

    3 I find it hard to form close relationships.

    4 I feel like everything has to be just right all the time.

    5 Everything has to be done in a certain kind of way, or it doesn’t feel right.

    6 I don’t like change.

    7 I feel like I have to be responsible for other people’s behavior or their feelings.

    8 I feel bad if other people don’t approve of me.

    9 Sometimes I worry so much about a decision that I get stuck or I spend hours awake at night worrying about it.

    10 Sometimes I feel that nothing I do makes a difference.

    11 I feel bad about myself much of the time.

    12 I feel like I fail at most everything I do.

    13 I get jealous very easily.

    14 I put others’ needs before me, even if it hurts me.

    15 I need lots of reassurance to feel okay about myself.

    16 I have a hard time being apart from the people that I love.

    17 I often feel worthless.

    18 I tend to idealize, then demonize the person I love, sometimes in the same day.

    19 Whenever I’m unhappy, I will drink, take drugs, overeat, go on a shopping spree, engage in unsafe sex, gamble, or do other inappropriate behaviors which I regret later.

    20 I’m often so afraid of bad things happening to the people I care about that I tend to be overprotective.

    21 When I’m in a relationship I want to be with that person 24 hours a day. As a result, I’m often accused of smothering.

    22 I have a hard time trusting people.

    23 I’m at my best when I’m doing things for other people.

    24 People tend to take advantage of me when I do nice things for them.

    25 It’s not okay to do things for myself; that’s selfish.

    26 I was always expected to be the perfect child in my family of origin.

    27 It’s best if I don’t talk about my personal problems.

    28 When I do things just for myself, I feel guilty.

    29 If I just try harder, I know that things will get better.

    30 If I don’t take care of things they just won’t get done.

• Codependency Quiz-Positive Notes
  • 1 Identify your feelings and emotions

    2 Express your feelings and emotions

    3 Form close replationship whenever you can.

    4 Don’t wait for everything to be perfect, just right is ok

    5 Everything does not need to be done in a certain or perfect way or your way.

    6 Love/embrace change

    7 Don’t be “all” responsible for other people’s behavior or their feelings

    8 Don’t feel bad if other people don’t approve you.

    9 Be decisive and move on. Don’t dwell too much on decision making.

    10 Think that what you do makes a difference.

    11 Feel good about yourself all the time.

    12 Think that you always succeed on whatever things/project you are doing

    13 Jealousy is not a good thing, delete it.

    14 Don’t put others need before yours unless the situation is putting other at risk.

    15 You don’t need reassurance from others.

    16 Being apart from people we love cannot be avoided, accept it with excitement

    17 You are a wothy person

    18 Don’t idealize the person you love

    19 Delete drinking, taking drugs, shopping spree and all other addictive behaviors

    20 You don’t have to be overprotective of other people. They can handle it.

    21 You don’t need to be with the other person you love 24/7, give them space.

    22 Trust people, humans can be trusted.

    23 Don’t overdo doing things for others, it’s not really your job to save others.

    24 Being nice is fine, don’t overdo it.

    25 It’s okay to do things for yourself. No one will do it for you.

    26 You don’t have to be so perfect. No one is.

    27 Share your personal problems to those you can trust, it’s liberating.

    28 Doing things for yourselft is what normal people do, you don’t have to feel guilty

    29 Trying harder is not natural, don’t over do. Learn to accept things that are not going your way.

    30 You don’t have to save the world. Don’t carry the world in your shoulder. Do what you can.

• Codependency Broken Boundaries
  • A. Low Self-Esteem
    • I don’t like myself.
    • I can’t do that.
    • I don’t trust myself.
    • I don’t know what to do.
    • I don’t like attention.
    • I don’t know what I want
  • B. Fear
    • What if I’m all alone?
    • What if I’m rejected?
    • What if I lose myself in someone else?
    • What if I fail?
    • What if I’m judged?
    • What if I get hurt?
    • Love hurts.
  • C. Shame
    • I’m a failure.
    • I don’t matter.
    • I’m unlovable.
    • I don’t deserve happiness
    • I’m a bad person.
    • I’m a phoney.
    • I’m defective
  • D. Guilt
    • I should do more.
    • I should try harder.
    • It’s all my fault.
    • I made a mistake.
    • I’m sorry.
• Codependency Broken Boundaries-Reversal
  • A. Low Self-Esteem
    • Like/love yourself.
    • You can do anything you desire.
    • Trust yourself.
    • You know what to do.
    • Spotlight is okay sometimes
    • Know what you want.
  • B. Fear
    • Sometimes you will be alone.
    • Rejection is a part of life.
    • Find someone else.
    • Try again.
    • With what?
    • Take it and move on.
    • Love sometimes hurt but not all the time.
  • C. Shame
    • You are not a failure.
    • You matters.
    • You are lovable.
    • You deserve to be happy.
    • You are a good person.
    • You are real.
    • You are not defective
  • D. Guilt
    • You’ve done your best.
    • You’ve tried hard.
    • It’s not you fault.
    • Mistake is part of life, make a correction.
    • Don’t be so sorry.
• Symptoms of Codependency
  • Low self-esteem
    • Not liking or accepting yourself
    • Feeling you’re inadequate in some way
    • Thinking you’re not quite enough
    • Worrying you are or could be a failure
    • Concerned with what other people think about you
  • Perfectionism
  • Pleasing others and giving up yourself
  • Poor boundaries
    • Boundaries that are too weak and there’s not enough separateness between you and your partner
    • Boundaries that are too rigid and keep you from being close
    • Boundaries that flip back and forth between too close and too rigid
  • Reactivity
  • Dysfunctional Communication
    • Difficulty expressing thoughts and feelings
    • Difficulty setting boundaries — saying “No” or stopping abuse
    • Abusive language
    • Lack of assertiveness about your needs
  • Dependency
    • Afraid of being alone or out of a relationship
    • Feeling trapped in a bad relationship and unable to leave
    • Relying too much on others opinions
  • Intimacy problems
    • Avoidance of closeness
    • Losing yourself
    • Trying to control or manipulate others
    • Feeling trapped in a dysfunctional relationship
  • Denial
    • Denial of codependency
    • Denial about a painful reality in your relationship
    • Denial of your feelings
    • Denial of your needs
  • Caretaking
  • Control
    • Controlling your own feelings
    • Managing and controlling people in your life; telling them what to do
    • Manipulating others to feel or behave like you want (people pleasing is a manipulation)
  • Obsessions
  • Addiction to a substance or process
  • Painful emotions
    • Shame
    • Anxiety
    • Fear
    • Guilt
    • Hopelessness
    • Despair
    • Depression
• Compiled By:
  • blindcaveman.wordpress.com
  • Rigel Arcayan