Mindmap-Book Summary-StopCaretaking
April 23, 2017 Leave a comment
Mindmap-Book Summary-StopCaretaking
- About Stop Caretaking
- Date Read: October 22, 2015
- Author: Margalis Fjelstad
- ISBN: 978-1-4422-2019-5
- 229 pages
- MyRating: 5 Stars
- I: Understanding the Caretaker Role
- Are You A Caretaker? 40 Caretaker Test Questions
- Rate each question using the scale of 1 to 5 that most accurately reflects how you act in your significant relationship with a partner, coworker or family member; 1 represents“almost never ” and 5 represents “almost always.”. Low Score = You are not a caretaker
1. I find it hard to say “no” to my partner
2. I often do not know what I want.
3. I frequently find myself angry or upset after talking to my partner.
4. Even when I tell my partner “no ” I find myself doing what he or she wants anyway
5. I find that I have given up friendships to please my partner
6. When my partner says mean or disparaging comments to me I ignore them or hide my hurt.
7. I have learned to act “as if” I am okay even when I’m not.
8. I put up with a lot of behaviors from my partner that my friends would not
9. I find that I have to say things very carefully to my partner or he or she will get angry or hurt.
10. I cover up behaviors and comments that my partner makes that are rude or hurtful
11. I expect myself to be more responsible than other people.
12. I should always try to make my partner feel better when he or she feels angry hurt or sad.
13. I often feel that people let me down
14. I hold myself to more exacting standards than I hold my partner
15. I know I could make my partner feel and act better if I would just do what he or she wants
16. If my partner is happy then I am happy
17. When I have a desperate need to be close and connected with my partner he or she rarely wants to.
18. I know that it is entirely up to me to make things work with my partner
19. When things are going well with my partner I can forget our problems
20. I chastise myself for behaviors that I forgive and accept in others.
21. I can’t be happy unless my partner is happy
22. I can’t seem to predict whether my partner will be happy or angry in any given situation
23. I am convinced that if I just try hard enough I can get my partner to be nicer to me
24. I feel the most love toward my partner when I am not in his or her presence.
25. I find I am bored in relationships that do not have a lot of intensity or emotion
26. I often feel confused or surprised by my partner’s reactions to everyday problems
27. It is more important to me to make my partner happy than to be happy myself
28. Although I am often angry at my partner I just try harder to please him or her
29. Every time my partner is happy or pleased I find my hope renewed that our relationship will now be much better
30. Even when I feel hopeless about the relationship with my partner I feel extremely guilty about leaving him or her
31. Being rejected by my partner is the worst thing that I can think of happening to me
32. When someone I don’t know very well is being especially nice to me I feel nervous or uncomfortable or undeserving 652
33. I do nice things for my partner and then I get angry when he or she doesn’t do nice things for me.
34. I try to anticipate my partner’s needs or wants so that he or she will be pleased with me and not be angry
35. I feel depressed or discouraged but I don’t know why
36. I feel extremely nervous or anxious around my partner
37. The more perfect I can be the better people like me
38. I try to never make mistakes
39. I find it hard to sit quietly for even a few minutes
40. I find it hard to express anger outwardly so I keep it to 1 2 3 4 5myself although sometimes I finally blow up.
SCORING 1 -146
- 1–80 1 235
- Non-Caretaker. You have a sympathetic and kindheartednature. You have some distortions in your thinking butthey don’t get in your way 1 Black notBold notItalic open FitWidth 235
- 81–120 1 235
- Protesting Colluder. You may never have been aCaretaker in other relationships but you find yourselffeeling guilty and responsible for this partner. Your highlevel of loyalty and logic keep you determined to work onthis relationship until you get it right 1 Black notBold notItalic open FitWidth 235
- 121–160 1 235
- Pathological Altruism. No matter how hard you try in thisrelationship you often feel disappointed depressed andunappreciated. Although you would like to be treatedbetter you ignore or reject help compliments andkindness from others preferring to do things yourself. Youoften feel depressed. 1 Black notBold notItalic open FitWidth 235
- 161–200 1 235
- Self-Defeater. You have been in numerous relationshipswhere you felt rejected humiliated or unloved. You maynot even remember a time when you felt hopeful or happy.You may have been sexually or physically abused and youdon’t feel deserving of love. Yet you have a determinationto keep trying to make your relationships work and youkeep alive a wish to have love and caring in your life. 1 Black notBold notItalic open FitWidth 235
- 1–80 1 235
- Rate each question using the scale of 1 to 5 that most accurately reflects how you act in your significant relationship with a partner, coworker or family member; 1 represents“almost never ” and 5 represents “almost always.”. Low Score = You are not a caretaker
- Chapter-1 Is My Partner Really a Borderline or Narcissist?
- WHAT IS A PERSONALITY DISORDER?
- Personality is considered to be the pattern of behaviors motivations thoughts ways of speaking sense of self individual quirkiness and so onthat is unique to a specific person.
We “know” a person by his or her personality.
We think of personality as a pretty stable (though not totally unchanging)way that a person thinks feels and behaves
Personality seems to be the sum total ofour genetic and learned experiences and the way we put millions of pieces ofexperience together to form a whole sense of self.
Typically we expectourselves and our friends and family to maintain pretty much the same personalitiesover our lifetime and we usually do.
There is an orderly way of learning to be a person. As our brains developand we interact with our parents and friends we develop stable ways ofdefining ourselves and our relationships
As we grow to adulthood we learnthe rules of social interaction. We move from dependency to increasingautonomy. We learn who we are in relation to others and we develop anunderstanding of what to expect in our dealings with other people. We developa sense of esteem that is caring concern and value for ourselves. Welearn that we can pretty much count on being basically the same person withthe same behaviors and social abilities from day to day. We also learn tocount on others in the same way. 3
- Personality is considered to be the pattern of behaviors motivations thoughts ways of speaking sense of self individual quirkiness and so onthat is unique to a specific person.
- BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER (BPD) 106
- The clinical term “borderline personality disorder” came into use to describeongoing long-lasting dysfunctional behaviors in people who did not have afull-blown psychosis such as schizophrenia but who also were significantlymore dysfunctional than people with problems of anxiety and depression 106
BPD is described by the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders(4th ed.) (DSM-IV) as a “pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonalrelationships self-image and affects or moods and marked impulsivity beginningby early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts ” including atleast five of the following 106
at least five of the following
- 1. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment
- 2. A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships.
- 3. Unstable self-image or sense of self
- 4. Impulsivity
- 5. Recurrent suicidal behavior gestures or threats of self-mutilation 27
- 6. Mood instability reactivity depression anxiety rage and despair
- 7. Chronic feelings of emptiness
- 8. Inappropriate intense anger or difficulty controlling anger
- 9. Transient stress-related paranoid ideas or severe dissociative symptoms.
five areas
- 1. Emotional Instability
- Intense emotional neediness which may be covered up by a facade ofindependence
Sudden emotional outbursts of rage and despair that seem random
Belief that the emotions of the moment are totally accurate and will lastforever.
Inaccurate memory of emotional events even changing the meaning of theevents after the fact
Seeing their emotions as being caused by others or by events outsidethemselves with no belief that they have any sort of control over theirown emotions.
Believing that the only way to change how they feel is to get other peopleor events to change
Ongoing intense anxiety and fear
- Intense emotional neediness which may be covered up by a facade ofindependence
- 2. Thought Instability 477
- All-or-nothing thinking (e.g. loving you intensely and just as quicklyreversing to hating you or thinking that they are a total failure or conversely immensely superior).
Intense belief in their own perceptions despite facts to the contrary
Their interpretation of events is the only truth
Constantly searching for the “hidden meaning” (always negative) in conversationsand events
Cannot be persuaded by fact or logic
Do not see the effect of their own behavior on others
Deny the perceptions of others
Accuse others of saying and doing things they didn’t say or do
Deny (even forget) negative or positive events from the past that conflictwith current feelings.
- All-or-nothing thinking (e.g. loving you intensely and just as quicklyreversing to hating you or thinking that they are a total failure or conversely immensely superior).
- Behavioral Instability
- The clinical term “borderline personality disorder” came into use to describeongoing long-lasting dysfunctional behaviors in people who did not have afull-blown psychosis such as schizophrenia but who also were significantlymore dysfunctional than people with problems of anxiety and depression 106
- WHAT IS A PERSONALITY DISORDER?
- Chapter-2 Why the Borderline NarcissistNeeds a Caretaker
- LIVING WITH THE BORDERLINE NARCISSIST PERSON
- HOW THE BORDERLINE NARCISSIST FUNCTIONSIN RELATIONSHIPS
- THE DANCE OF INTIMATE HOSTILITY
- HOW CARETAKERS SEE RELATIONSHIPS 29
- WHY THE BP NP NEEDS THE CARETAKER
- HOW THE CARETAKER ROLE KEEPS THE FAMILYFUNCTIONING
- THE DRAMA TRIANGLE
- persecutor
- The persecutor has the attitude of “It’s all your fault.” This role includesblaming criticizing anger rigid demands rules and expectations all aimedat the victim.
- victim
- The victim carries the stance of “Poor me.” The person in this role feelshopeless powerless overwhelmed and helpless. The victim refuses to makedecisions take action or solve problems and remains clueless to what ishappening and how to fix it. Thus the victim never has to take responsibilityfor anything
- rescuer
- The rescuer has the job to “help ” whether he or she actually wants to ornot. It is a demand fueled by external and internal guilt that almost “forces”you to take care of protecting anyone who acts like a victim. This role worksto keep the victim dependent while also giving him or her an excuse to fail
- persecutor
- Chapter-3 What Is a Caretaker?
- THE CARETAKER’S JOB
- HOW CARETAKING IS DIFFERENT FROM CODEPENDENCY
- HOW AND WHY YOU LEARNED TO BE A CARETAKER
- HOW THE BP NP MANIPULATES YOU TO STAY IN THECARETAKER ROLE
- Fear
- Obligation
- Guilt
- Delusions
- Rigid Family Rules and Roles
- Blaming the Caretaker 247
- Mystification 34
- Giving as a Requirement to Receive 497
- Emotional Merging 20
- Lack of Intimacy 20
- Fear of Intimacy 351
- WHY WOULD ANYONE WANT TO BE A CARETAKER? 2
- WHY DIDN’T YOU BECOME A BP NP? 258
- Chapter Emotional Distortions of Caretakers
- EMOTIONAL UNDERREACTIVITY
- EMOTIONAL MINIMIZATION
- EMOTIONAL OVERREACTIVITY
- FEAR OF ANGER
- I DON’T NEED ANYTHING
- EMOTIONAL RESPONSE VERSUS THOUGHT RESPONSE -39
- FEAR OF FAILURE
- FEELING UNLOVABLE
- Chapter-4 Caretaker Involvement Levels
- SELF-DEFEATERS 597
- PATHOLOGICAL ALTRUISM
- PROTESTING COLLUDERS
- SELF-PROTECTORS 343
- CUTOFFS -1
- NONCARETAKERS -148
- Chapter-6 Thought Distortions of Caretakers
- ALL-OR-NOTHING THINKING
- PERFECTIONISM -78
- SUPERIOR INFERIOR: HOW CAN I BE BOTH? 385
- I’MRESPONSIBLE FOR EVERYTHING -25
- SAYING “NO” MEANS NOT BEING NICE -25
- I DON’T KNOW WHAT I WANT
- LOVE HEALS ALL PROBLEMS 27
- NEVER GIVE UP 78
- THE BP NP SHOULD BE LOGICAL 78
- THE BP NP AND I ARE THE SAME
- Chapter-7 Behavioral Distortions of Caretakers
- CHAOS IS PERFECTLY NORMAL: DENIAL 1
- I CAN’T MAKE SENSE OF IT ALL: MYSTIFICATION 2
- HYPERVIGILANCE 3 40
- ISOLATING 3
- THE BP NP ALWAYS GETS TO DECIDE 5 13
- MANIPULATION 5 13
- THERE’S NO TIME TO TAKE CARE OF ME 6
- WHY SHOULD I HAVE TO TAKE CARE OF MYSELF? 7
- WE ARE ONE: LACK OF BOUNDARIES 7 7
- Chapter-8 Distortions in the Sense of Self
- Sense of self (SOS). 9
- SOS AS AN ARENA OF CONFLICT 80 -78
- FUZZY AND SHIFTING SOS 80 253
- HIDDEN NEGATIVE SOS 81
- BEING A CARETAKER MEANS I’MA GOOD PERSON 81
- BEING CARING OF VERSUS CARING FOR 82 27
- Chapter-9 Relationship Distortions of Caretakers
- WHY AM I THE ONE WHO HAS TO CHANGE?
- FEAR OF ANGER 54
- KEEPING IT ALL SECRET
- TRYING TO FIX THE PAST 40
- REVERSAL OF ADULT CHILD ROLES -39
- VICTIM PERSECUTOR RESCUER PATTERN
- II: Letting Go of Caretaking
- Chapter-10 Stages of Healing
- DENIAL 1 333
- ANGER 3 40
- BARGAINING 4
- DEPRESSION 6 -1
- ACCEPTANCE 7 5
- SETTING BOUNDARIES 8 169
- General ways of setting boundaries 9
- saying “No ” 9
- making decisionsand choices of your own 9
- staying with your own feelings even whensomeone you care about has different feelings 9
- solving only your own problems 9
- using your beliefs and opinions to structure and direct your life 9
- General ways of setting boundaries 9
- LETTING GO 9
- setting boundaries 9
- clear 9
- defined 9
- consistent 9
you stop your intense focusand overinvolvement with the BP NP 9
begin letting go of responsibilityfor the BP NP. 9
What does letting go mean in everyday terms? 9
- you will notbe changing who you are what you think what you like or what you feelbecause of the desires and wishes of the BP NP. 9
Letting go requires that yourelinquish your old need to please appease and control the BP NP 9
Lettinggo requires that you have boundaries that are strong enough so that you canallow the BP NP to be act or feel however he or she wants without youtrying to change him or her 9
you no longer allow the BP NP to changethese things in you. 9
Letting go is very important to releasing your feelings of anxiety anddepression. 9
If it is no longer your responsibility who and what the BP NP isand you no longer need to match the BP NP in any way then the pressure tobe perfect to please the BP NP or to fix or improve the BP NP is no longernecessary. 9
This takes a huge load off of your shoulders and allows you tohave the energy and enthusiasm to focus on good self-care 9
- setting boundaries 9
- REBUILDING
- Rebuilding empowers and stabilizes your sense of self bycreating a life of your own design
- It may include
- making friends withhealthy people
- changing your self-talk from negative to positive
- lovingyourself and treating yourself lovingly
- letting go of anxiety and moving outof depression
- increasing your interpersonal skills
- looking at yourselfand your world in a new freer way in order to create a life you love
- sense of self
- genetic gifts
- life skills
- dreams
- physical and emotional experiences
- thoughts
- needs
- yearnings for your own life
- SELF-CARE
- Keep in mind that self-care does not keep you from being caring and respectfulof others
people who truly love and care for themselves are thevery best at being loving to others
Self-care sets up a reverse scenario
you fill yourself up until youdon’t need the other person to fill you up
whatever you give will comefrom a place of abundance rather than neediness
This keeps you from feelingthat the other person owes you for what you give.
It also makes you able tograciously receive as well as give.
It honors and respects your own needs andindividuality as it honors the BP NP for who he or she is.
relationships are based on choice love respect and acceptance of yourselfand others just the way you are
- Keep in mind that self-care does not keep you from being caring and respectfulof others
- Chapter Challenging the BP NP Family Rules
- ACCEPTING THE TRUTH
- Are you ready to stop living someone else’s life with someone else’sthoughts and feelings?
Would you like to break the cycle of caretaking foryour children’s sake?
Would you like to feel good about yourself make yourown decisions and enjoy friendships and activities of your choosing?
Wouldyou like a peaceful calm relaxed life?
Are you willing to take some bravesteps to make that happen?
The only way to stop being a Caretaker is to stop playing the rescuer persecutor victim game with the BP NP.
If you want to have a sane life youwill have to break rules the BP NP has set that keep you totally focused onhim or her.
ask yourself no matter how hard you tried to follow these insane rulesperfectly have you ever succeeded?
Did all of your trying to please andrescue the BP NP ever make any significant changes in him or her?
Did itmake the BP NP a happier person?
Did he or she love you more?
Did you getalong better?
Does it even make sense that the relationship rules made by amentally ill person would ever work?
writing down all of the rules about your relationship with the BP NP
- Who has which responsibilities?
- Who is allowed which feelings?
- What must you agree about?
- What is it okay to disagree about?
- If there is a disagreement how is a decision made?
- Who makes the final decision for which things?
- Who makes decisions about social activities?
- If you disagree about a social activity how is a decision made?
- What emotions are you each allowed to express?
- How are the finances handled?
Rule: you can’task for anything you want
- For example one of the rules in my house growing up was that you can’task for anything you want. I knew this was a rule because whenever anyonein the family asked for something everyone else was allowed to tell him orher why he or she couldn’t have it or shouldn’t want it.
secret rule
- finally had thecourage to ask for something that I really wanted and kept asking past all ofthe reproofs from family members that I really didn’t shouldn’t or couldn’twant it. The secret rule was this: If you keep asking they have to give it toyou. What a shock it was to discover this. It gave me a lot of courage to keeplooking at the other rules about interactions in my family to discover howthey really worked.
identify and written down the rules
- Once you have identified and written down the rules the obvious onesand the secret ones try to keep them clear in your mind and see if you canrecognize them in new situations. Begin a plan to change update or eliminatethe ones that don’t actually bring health and goodwill to the relationship
- Are you ready to stop living someone else’s life with someone else’sthoughts and feelings?
- YOU AND THE BP NP ARE NOT ONE
- You are not the same as the BP NP
You do not have to be his or her clone.
You have every right in the world to be who you are to want what you want and to have your own feelings. 783 0
Breaking this rule of enmeshment this rule ofsymbiosis this demand of being a duplicate of the BP NP is essential inorder to take the new actions discussed in this book and make your life better
You may not have been aware that thinking acting and feeling alike isthe most important and most powerful rule of the BP NP because it is socompletely assumed by the BP NP that this is how relationships must work ought to work and absolutely will work
Even the BP NP can’t see this rule;he or she just feels that it is the only way to survive.
this rule completelyannihilates any chance of you being a whole healthy happy human beingbecause it annihilates your identity.
This is what makes you so angry. It iswhat makes you so depressed.
You as a unique and individual human being do not exist as long as you obey this rule 43 0
You and the BP NP are separate and different and you will continuallyhave differences of view differences of opinions different feelings differentwants and different needs 43 0
You will have to overcome your fears of the BP NP’s anxiety anger and abject hostility as you make your choice to be aperson in your own right. 43 0
No two people can be exactly the same not even if you were identical twins which you are a long way from being.
Your view of the world is verydifferent.
Your wants and needs do not need to be stunted by the mentalillness of the BP NP.
Your depression and anxiety are symptoms of yourinternal sense of self wanting to be free wanting to be expressed and wantingto just be you.
You cannot move forward with the ideas in this book untilyou come to terms with challenging this insane rule
- You are not the same as the BP NP
- ACCEPTING THE FACTS
- The BP NP is mentally ill and will not get better in the foreseeable future
This is a fact that is denied by the BP NP (he or she thinks that you are thecrazy person) and you have colluded in this distortion
You have to give upyour hope and fantasy that with your help and direction and giving in andputting up with all that goes on the BP NP will somehow get better
As longas you stay in the Caretaker role you are reinforcing the insane dysfunctionalbehavior of the BP NP. These are facts that you must come to see andaccept.
You cannot change the BP NP
You must accept the fact of your limitations and you must accept the BP NP just the way he or she is.
How?
Whatother choice do you really have?
But has all the trying demanding pleading or giving in that you have done ever led to any kind of change in the BP NP? 782 0
Did your wanting the BP NP to changemake any difference?
Did your anger at the BP NP change anything?
It is only after you give up denial anger and bargaining; give up anyhope of the BP NP’s being different; give up expecting the BP NP to do whatyou want; and accept the real facts of the situation that you can finally startgenerating ideas that could make your life better. 93 0
It is only after you quitfocusing on what “should” or “shouldn’t” be happening that you can reallyget down to what “is” or “isn’t” happening. 93 0
Basing your life on what youhope will happen rather than what is happening has been part of the reasonfor how you ended up being so frustrated angry and hurt 93 0
- The BP NP is mentally ill and will not get better in the foreseeable future
- YOU DON’T NEED THE BP NP’S APPROVAL
- The biggest power the BP NP has over you comes from your fear of his orher anger drama blaming you for his or her feelings criticisms of you andthreats of leaving
If the BP NP holds over you threats of violence to him- orherself you or the children that is a signal for you to get the BP NP to amental inpatient facility as soon as possible. Call 911 call the BP NP’stherapist and physician and get yourself and the children to safety
Do notget into denial with yourself that the BP NP is not serious and will not takeaction.
Do not think that you can handle this situation yourself!
One of thebiggest mistakes Caretakers make is not taking threats of violence from theBP NP seriously enough.
On the other hand Caretakers often take the BP NP’s acting out in rage screaming crying fits and threats of leaving too seriously. Too often Caretakersare many times more afraid of the BP NP’s rage than of his or herthreats of violence. 0
As a Caretaker you have become hypervigilant to theemotional reactions of the BP NP. However you are reinforcing the BP NP’sbehavior when you collapse in the face of his or her anger. 0
If you give in to the BP NP’s demands he or she will demand more. If you take the blame forthe BP NP’s actions he or she will blame you even more. 782 0
You have to learn to stand calm and steadfast
Do not be defensive
Do not seek forgiveness for “causing” the BP NP’s upset
Do not fall into amnesia about the volcanic behaviors you’ve witnessed inthe BP NP.
Do not feed the BP NP’s emotion cycle
The fact that you don’thave these same interactions with friends or colleagues at work is the indicatorthat you don’t cause them to happen. Therefore get centered and get clearin your mind so that you can see how your own fears get you to feed into theBP NP’s manipulations. It is your own pain and fear of the BP NP’s disapprovalthat lures you into their disastrous emotional hurricane. 42 0
What the BP NP says thinks and feels about you or what he or sheaccuses you of during the throes of an emotional storm may or may not betrue.
Seek approval for your sense of self from the facts of your own actionsand decisions not from the ranting of a person inside an emotional nightmare.
Seek your validation from friends coworkers your therapist and otherrational people who can give you feedback on who you are and whether youare acting with kindness or selfishness 254 0
Being in a therapy group for familymembers of BP NPs can be amazingly helpful for getting validation strength and support in handling this crazy-making relationship you are in 254 0
- The biggest power the BP NP has over you comes from your fear of his orher anger drama blaming you for his or her feelings criticisms of you andthreats of leaving
- CHANGE HOW YOU COMMUNICATE 0
- BP NP communication is often vague convoluted and confusing startingout with one topic and morphing into a dozen or more topics with no conclusionsand no decisions made at the end 0
You may find yourself agreeing tothings you don’t agree with or thinking that one conclusion has been madebut the BP NP insists it was a different conclusion. This type of communicationis used to manipulate and control you into doing what the BP NP wants 0
1. When ____________ happens
2. I feel ____________
3. I would like ____________
4. Or I will need to ____________
This model is a powerful means to communicate clearly with anyone andespecially with highly sensitive or manipulative people. It conveys what yousee is a problem how you feel about it and what you want. It is designed tobe clear concise nonemotional and nonjudgmental. Therefore it is lesslikely to get off track and become attacking. It also does not require the BP NP to do much of anything except listen. It is not a cure-all for every challengingcommunication with a BP NP but it is an effective tool.
Yale communication model
- 1. statement of an observable fact
- “When Isee dirty clothes all over the living room . . . ”
- “When I hear a loud voice andsharp words . . . ”
- “When I get a statement in the mail saying the checkingaccount is overdrawn . . . ”
- “When I expect to have dinner at 5 p.m. and itisn’t made until 9 p.m. . . .”
- 2. clearly state your own feelings about the event
- The next step is to clearly state your own feelings about the event. Saying “I feel taken advantage of . . . ” or “I feel angry hurt and humiliated” givesthe other person information about how the event affected you
Again youare not saying the word “you ” nor are you saying that the other person“made you feel” this way. By taking responsibility for your own feelings you are ending the blame game. You feel the way you do just because youdo.
Accepting your own feelings is an important step in getting others to takeyour feelings seriously. Being able to put your own feelings into words tolearn to know how things affect you and to ultimately figure out what youwant is also a significant way to validate yourself and feel more powerful 0
With most people you may not need much more than these two statementsto make it clear what you feel. There is really nothing much moreintimate than telling people how you feel. It is uniquely personal windowinto who you are. 0
People who love you respect you and care about how you feel will respond with appropriate concern 782 0
- The next step is to clearly state your own feelings about the event. Saying “I feel taken advantage of . . . ” or “I feel angry hurt and humiliated” givesthe other person information about how the event affected you
- 3. What do you want?
- The third step is letting the other person know what you want.
“I wouldlike to be talked to in a quiet voice ”
“I want this picked up right away ”
“I would really appreciate your telling me ahead of time that you will be late”
possible ways (from mild to strong) to convey your request for anaction or a change in what is happening
When challenging a rule or thebehavior of another person it is more effective to be specific
Saying thatyou want to be “happy or supported or cared for” is too vague for the otherperson to actually know what to do differently.
Asking for what you want can be a challenge. You may find it hard togive yourself permission to ask for your wants to be considered. You mayalso think that by calling something a need it will make it more importantand powerful.
the BP NP is more affected by what you want.When you call something a need when it really is not the BP NP will challengeyou and work to convince you that you don’t actually need it. Whenyou identify something as a want it then becomes harder for the BP NP tosound sane and reasonable if he or she tries to convince you that you don’tactually want what you just said you wanted.
Remember that the only otheralternative to saying what you want is to manipulate and or expect the otherperson to read your mind or to give up the want altogether. To be an adultliving the life you want to live you have to have the courage to make politerequests of others to get what you want.
examples
- “I’ll talk more quietly but I really want to deal with this issue now.”
- “I’m sorry I was late. I tried your cell phone but it seems to be off.”
passive-aggressive responses
- “You shouldn’t feel that way.”
- “I don’t see why you have to be so bossy.”
- “Everything is always about what you want.”
healthy way to disagree 0
- “I really don’t want to do that.” 0
- “I’m not willing to take that action right now.” 0
If the other person ignores you says absolutely “no ” or is passive-aggressive you will need to consider using the last step in the model 0 253 0
It is to be a statement of what you will do to take care of yourself without thecooperation of the other person 0 253 0
“If you can’t lower your voice I will need to excuse myself from this conversation.” 0 253 0
The most powerful toolyou have at this point is to stop interacting with the other person. 0 253 0
examples: 0 253 0
- 1. “When the subject is changed so many times I get confused 0 253 0
- 2. I feel lost and I would really like to be able to discuss our differentoptions. 0 253 0
- 3. I would like to focus on one topic to discuss right now. [wait forresponse 0 0
- 4. Otherwise I will have to continue this discussion another time when Iam not so confused.” 0 0
Here’s another example: 0 0
- 1. “I’m not feeling that I’m having much fun here at the party 0 0
- 2. I’ve decided I’d like to go home. 0 0
- 3. What would you like to do? [wait for a response] 0 0
- 4. So I’m going to head on home now.” 0 0
Here’s another 0 0
- 1. “When I come home at 10 p.m. from class and see that the kitchen stillneeds to be cleaned up from dinner 0 0
2. I feel disappointed 0 0
3. I would really like it to be cleaned up by morning so that I can makebreakfast. [wait for a response] 1 7 0
4. Or I won’t be able to make pancakes in the morning.” 1 7 0
This model works best when you talk in a calm confident and relaxed voicewithout threats or any kind of hysteria. 1
You also must be willing to faceunexpected challenges. 1
No one can absolutely predict the behavior of anotherperson so be prepared to focus on taking care of yourself no matter what theother person decides to do. 1
Be prepared to hear “no ” be prepared for the BP NP to be upset or unhappy in some way be prepared to let the other personspeak up for what he or she wants without rescuing or automatically givingin and be prepared for the BP NP to make irrelevant comments to get you offtopic 1
Follow through by taking care of yourself the way you said you would. Ifyou say you will take a new action and then you don’t follow through thisgives the BP NP the message that your needs and wants aren’t serious. If youare serious about making your life better think through what you are willingto do make a plan and take these new actions. 1
- The third step is letting the other person know what you want.
- 1. statement of an observable fact
- BP NP communication is often vague convoluted and confusing startingout with one topic and morphing into a dozen or more topics with no conclusionsand no decisions made at the end 0
- YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO SAY “NO” 1
- It is extremely difficult to say “no” to a BP NP. The word “no” sets you apartfrom the BP NP. You are drawing a line in the sand that identifies your wantsand needs as separate from those of the BP NP. It conveys the message “Idon’t agree; I have a different thought or feeling; I am not the same as you.” 1 412 0
diverting tactics
- You can see that this could go on quite a while maybe even with otherfamily members joining in the questioning and demanding to get you backinto the Caretaker role. This would be a really good time to change thesubject get up and go to the bathroom or ask someone else a personalquestion about themselves. These diverting tactics actually work pretty wellwith the BP NP. If the level of emotion goes down the BP NP can often besidetracked
real challenge
- The real challenge in this exercise is to battle your own sense of guiltbecause you may be thinking that you are being obstinate hurting the BP NP’s feelings being ungrateful not remembering the starving children inAfrica and so on. You may have been trained to feel that it is practicallyimmoral to say “no” when someone in your family makes a request of you no matter how trivial. Keep practicing.
Keep practicing
- Move from saying “no” to food
- “no” to an activity you don’t want to do
- “no” to a life you no longerwant.
example 2 0
- Francine came into our counseling session saying that she was getting a lot ofpressure from her mother to get back with her estranged husband. “I told her ‘Mom do you really want me to get back with Danny? He’s alcoholic he letour seven-year-old son see pornography he yells at me and hit me. I don’twant to get back together with him.’ You know what she said? She said ‘I’msure he’s learned his lesson. And he was so nice to me the other night when Isaw him at the grocery store.’ Well he’s not nice to me I told her. Then sheadded my own mother ‘Well you are just being too picky.’ Can you believethat?” 2 0
Even though another family member or a friend may pressure you to give in it is very important that when you pick a battle you stick with it. Otherwise you give the message to the BP NP that you really don’t mean what you say. 2 0
Although the pressure from the BP NP can be strong it is really yourinternal sense of being undeserving believing that you are selfish or yourown discomfort at displeasing others that really gets you to back down. Lookclosely at the ways you talk yourself out of saying “no.” 2
- Why do you deserve less than others?
- What about saying “no thank you” is selfish? 3
- Why can’tyou risk the BP NP being displeased? 3
- It is extremely difficult to say “no” to a BP NP. The word “no” sets you apartfrom the BP NP. You are drawing a line in the sand that identifies your wantsand needs as separate from those of the BP NP. It conveys the message “Idon’t agree; I have a different thought or feeling; I am not the same as you.” 1 412 0
- YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO ASK FOR WHAT YOU WANT 3 146 0
- Asking for what you want is very similar to saying “no.” It again places yououtside the enmeshment with the BP NP. You may have learned that justasking for what you want is being too selfish or hurting others. As a Caretaker it may seem very strange to ask others for the very things you so easilygive. You may actually feel like you are imposing on others. Or you maythink that someone who loves you should just give these things to you withoutyour having to ask but that is just because you feel bad for asking. 3 146 0
- Whydo you deserve less? 3 253 0
- Why is it imposing to ask a loved one for a caringbehavior? 3 253 0
- Why does asking scare you? 3 253 0
challenge the “nonasking” rule 3 253 0
- To challenge the “nonasking” rule of the BP NP you may need to startsmall and increase the importance of your requests as you get stronger 3 253 0
practice with a trusted friend or gentle family member before attempting tochallenge the BP NP 3 253 0
“I can’t tell you how many beers over the years my husband has asked me toget him when I was sitting right there next to him watching the same TVprogram. So I decided I’d ask him for a glass of water when he went into thekitchen the next time. I was amazed at how hard it was for me to ask and notjust jump up myself and get it. But I did ask. And he just said ‘Sure OK’ andbrought it to me. It was so surprising that such a little thing like that made mereally like him a whole lot more. I just assumed he wouldn’t agree to do it. Butit didn’t faze him a bit. I felt like I was actually important to him.” 3 253 0
- Asking for what you want is very similar to saying “no.” It again places yououtside the enmeshment with the BP NP. You may have learned that justasking for what you want is being too selfish or hurting others. As a Caretaker it may seem very strange to ask others for the very things you so easilygive. You may actually feel like you are imposing on others. Or you maythink that someone who loves you should just give these things to you withoutyour having to ask but that is just because you feel bad for asking. 3 146 0
- DON’T GIVE REASONS OR EXPLAIN YOUR DECISIONS 3 516 0
- When you decide to do something different from the BP NP whether it isbeing alone sometimes dressing differently reading different books likingdifferent foods and so on you will be making yourself vulnerable to a lot ofcoercion to change your mind. 3 516 0
“us-ness.” 3 516 0
- Being different is seen by the BP NP as being“wrong” and can trigger your fears that the BP NP will reject or try tohumiliate you for leaving the enmeshed “us-ness.” 3 516 0
But if you have workedon approving of yourself instead of getting approval from the BP NP youwill be able to move forward 3 516 0
One of the most common ways the BP NP tries to convince you to getback into the “right” way of doing things is to question your reasoning. 3 676 0
“Well why would you want to do that?” 3 676 0
“Why do you feel that way?” 3 676 0
Thetactic of getting you to explain yourself is a means of getting information that can use to prove to you that your choice your feeling your want and even you as a person are wrong. 3 780 0
you do not have to give people reasons 4 92 0
Believe it or not you do not have to give people reasons or explanationsfor what you do unless you want to. This may be a startling revelation if youhave spent years around a BP NP. You really do not have to give detailedreasons and explanations to anyone for what you want to do. The BP NP’sneed to be in control of all the information around them is often extreme butyou don’t have to buy into it. 4 92 0
fears and concerns 4 463 0
- BP NPs have a lot of fears and anxieties when anything and anyonearound them changes but you can respond to their “why” questions byasking about their fears and concerns or simply stating again and again “Thisis something I like to do and I hear that it is different from what you like todo.” 4 463 0
1. Not giving a reason or explaining your decisions gives you control overyour own thoughts feelings and actions 4 463 0
2. It allows you to state who you arewithout getting into a debate about right and wrong. 4 621 0
3. You are refusing toparticipate in giving or receiving manipulation invalidation and rejection 4 621 0
- When you decide to do something different from the BP NP whether it isbeing alone sometimes dressing differently reading different books likingdifferent foods and so on you will be making yourself vulnerable to a lot ofcoercion to change your mind. 3 516 0
- TAKING ACTION 5 93 0
- Stop Talking 5 93 0
- Very little gets changed with a BP NP by talking 5 93 0
BP NPs are masters ofdenial and delusion. They jump instantaneously from topic to topic they areemotional rather than logical and they usually forget any discussion that hasbeen emotionally intense. Making changes in the relationship with a BP NPrequires taking new actions not making agreements or coming to an understanding. 5 93 0
take new actions 5 146 0
In order to take new actions you will have to decide what you want to dodifferently. Look at what you want to be different in your own life and startfiguring out what actions you need to take to head your life in that direction 5 146 0
examples 5 146 0
- If you want your BP NP partner to quit making false promises quit askingfor promises 5 304 0
If you want to quit having fights with the BP NP don’t respond defensivelyand don’t argue; rather use the communication model. 5 304 0
If you want something done and the BP NP stubbornly refuses to do it doit yourself 5 304 0
If you want to be more social than the BP NP go out with friends byyourself 5 304 0
If you don’t like living with the BP NP live apart. 5 304 0
If the BP NP criticizes or devalues you do not accept it as a statementabout you. 5 304 0
If a conversation is going nowhere positive quit conversing 5 304 0
- If you want your BP NP partner to quit making false promises quit askingfor promises 5 304 0
- Very little gets changed with a BP NP by talking 5 93 0
- Stop Talking 5 93 0
- BREAK OUT OF THE DRAMA TRIANGLE 5 569 0
- Drama Triangle 5 569 0
- The most important action that you need to take to quit caretaking is to breakout of the Drama Triangle. This means that you are going to quit taking onthe roles of victim persecutor and rescuer 5 569 0
All of these roles require oneperson to be superior right good and better than the other person while theother person has to be inferior wrong bad and worse. 5 569 0
This one-up onedowngame has to be stopped in order for you to stop caretaking 5 569 0
Caretakingis the epitome of your thinking and acting like you know better and are morecapable than the BP NP and therefore that you have the right to control direct and improve the BP NP or conversely that you should be the one toalways give in. 5 569 0
At the same time the BP NP continually tries to control direct and improve you so that you will merge with and match his or herthoughts and feelings. 5 780 0
- The most important action that you need to take to quit caretaking is to breakout of the Drama Triangle. This means that you are going to quit taking onthe roles of victim persecutor and rescuer 5 569 0
- 1. Refuse to be Superior or Inferior 6 93 0
- You have to be willing to stop playing the superior inferior Game with theBP NP in order to really make changes 6 146 0
Almost all interactions with the BP NP are based on who is better than worse than right wrong deserving ofblame deserving of defense who gets more who gets less and so on 6 146 0
Playingthe persecutor victim or rescuer is always a game of superior inferior 6 146 0
Breaking the rule of superior inferior requires you to learn to accept differencesand similarities between yourself and others as neither good norbad. This will allow you to come to terms with what you like and don’t like 6 146 0
If you take responsibility for your own decisions and allow the BP NP to dothe same then neither one of you has to be good or bad. 6 146 0
Breaking the superior inferior game of the Drama Triangle is a very bigstep to take. 6 304 0
What does it look like to live without succumbing to superiorand inferior feelings about yourself and others? 6 304 0
- It means giving up being therescuer the victim and the persecutor forever. 6 304 0
It means being totally responsiblefor yourself and not for the BP NP. 6 304 0
You make your own decisions andhave your own feelings and actions thoughts and interpretations 6 304 0
It meansyou will see yourself and the BP NP as unique individuals with your owndifferent strengths and abilities weaknesses and lack of skills without seeingeither of you as better or worse than the other completely without the judgmentof right or wrong. 6 304 0
It means you don’t collapse into being a victim of theBP NP; you don’t try to fix improve or persecute the BP NP or yourself;and you no longer try to help or rescue the BP NP. 6 304 0
It means you will acceptyourself and the BP NP just as you are. It is only then that you can come upwith solutions and interactions that are effective for you and your family 6 304 0
- It means giving up being therescuer the victim and the persecutor forever. 6 304 0
- You have to be willing to stop playing the superior inferior Game with theBP NP in order to really make changes 6 146 0
- 2. Stop the “Poor Me” Game: Stop Being a Victim 6 569 0
- Ignoring your own wants and needs denying your own opinions giving in towhatever the BP NP wants even if it is harmful taking the blame for everything and giving up who you are and how you want to live are all ways thatCaretakers get stuck in the victim role 6 569 0
Although you may think you arebeing nice and being helpful you are merely perpetuating the BP NP’s rulesand the dysfunctions in your family. 6 569 0
It is also a way for you to not feelresponsible for your own timidity and fearfulness in the interactions betweenyou and the BP NP. 6 569 0
It leads to a sense of passivity and powerlessness thatultimately keeps you from taking the actions that you could take to makeyour life different that is happier healthier and freer 6 569 0
“Poor Me” symptoms 6 569 0
- When you begin to refuse being the inferior the victim you begin thejourney to breaking the Drama Triangle. There are many more possible rolesand behaviors to take than the three that have been allowed up to now in yourrelationship. You have the capacity to step back and think of what you reallyfeel what you really want and what actions could get you going in a newdirection. The BP NP can’t or won’t step out of these designated roles butyou could choose to do so and change the game entirely. 7 40 0
When you start feeling overwhelmed unable to cope depressed and wanting to isolate you aremoving into the victim role. 6 780 0
stop being a victim 7 40 0
- In order to stop being a victim you will have to be willing to accept theactual circumstances of your relationship with the mentally ill BP NP. 7 40 0
Youhave to face the fact that if anything is going to change you will have to bethe one to make the changes. 7 40 0
You will have to face your fears and take newactions. 7 40 0
You will have to learn new skills and make new decisions. Thefollowing chapters are aimed at giving you the tools and understanding tomake those changes 7 40 0
- When you begin to refuse being the inferior the victim you begin thejourney to breaking the Drama Triangle. There are many more possible rolesand behaviors to take than the three that have been allowed up to now in yourrelationship. You have the capacity to step back and think of what you reallyfeel what you really want and what actions could get you going in a newdirection. The BP NP can’t or won’t step out of these designated roles butyou could choose to do so and change the game entirely. 7 40 0
- Ignoring your own wants and needs denying your own opinions giving in towhatever the BP NP wants even if it is harmful taking the blame for everything and giving up who you are and how you want to live are all ways thatCaretakers get stuck in the victim role 6 569 0
- 3. Stop The Blame Game: Stop Persecuting 7 357 0
- Living in a BP NP relationship you have learned to blame others. Breakingthe rule of blaming others can be challenging because you may not reallyknow how to ask someone to do something different. If you look back at thecommunication model you will see the way to make this change. 7 357 0
Examples 7 357 0
- Instead of telling the person “You didn’t wash your hands” or “You gaveme the wrong papers ” change the focus from what didn’t happen to whatyou want. Even just using the “I want . . .” statement from the model is oftenenough for example “I’d like you to wash your hands before dinner” or “I’dappreciate it if you could find page 8 for me.” 7 357 0
Giving directions and tellingothers what you want rather than blaming them for doing things wrongshows them how to be successful and feels a lot better too. You are alsomore likely to get more cooperation from others 7 357 0
It also means you will take responsibility for how you act and feel aroundthe BP NP without taking the attitude that the BP NP is controlling yourfeelings or actions 7 357 0
This means that if the BP NP does something you don’tlike you say or do something about it 7 357 0
You acknowledge that you are choosinghow you respond emotionally and behaviorally without blaming the BP NP for causing your feelings and actions. 7 357 0
- Instead of telling the person “You didn’t wash your hands” or “You gaveme the wrong papers ” change the focus from what didn’t happen to whatyou want. Even just using the “I want . . .” statement from the model is oftenenough for example “I’d like you to wash your hands before dinner” or “I’dappreciate it if you could find page 8 for me.” 7 357 0
- Living in a BP NP relationship you have learned to blame others. Breakingthe rule of blaming others can be challenging because you may not reallyknow how to ask someone to do something different. If you look back at thecommunication model you will see the way to make this change. 7 357 0
- 4. Stop Fixing and Rescuing the BP NP 7 516 0
- Being a Caretaker may have been your lifelong role identity so it could be ahard habit to break. You have felt obligated to do it. You have felt guilty fornot doing it. You may have needed to do it with a BP NP parent to make your life as a child bearable. 8 -203 0
You may have enjoyed the superior status of beingthe helper the good person and so on. It may be very hard to relinquish thefalse hope that the BP NP will someday step permanently into the role of aresponsible and giving adult partner or parent. You have to face your ownoutdated fantasies feelings and beliefs and let them go before you can stopfixing rescuing and caretaking the BP NP 8 -3 0
You have been the Caretaker as a way to keep the peace keep the delusion keep your fantasy keep the family together keep the BP NP calm andso on. But face it: none of your caretaking methods have worked for morethan a few minutes or a few days anyway 8 -3 0
Giving up rescuing the BP NP is an action not a discussion. It isn’tsomething to announce to the BP NP. It isn’t something to negotiate with theBP NP. It isn’t something to threaten the BP NP with. It is all action. Youstop participating in the merry-go-round interactions you stop arguing youstop worrying what the BP NP will do next and you stop expecting the BP NP to fulfill your needs. This does not mean that you have to stop caringabout or loving the BP NP. You change from being a rescuer in the interactionby making choices and taking actions that work better for you and thatmight even work better for the BP NP. 8 104 0
- Being a Caretaker may have been your lifelong role identity so it could be ahard habit to break. You have felt obligated to do it. You have felt guilty fornot doing it. You may have needed to do it with a BP NP parent to make your life as a child bearable. 8 -203 0
- 5. Start Using the Caring Triangle 9 1 0
- It can be helpful to picture a new triangle to keep you focused on the newbehaviors we have just discussed. Instead of the actions of the persecutor you take on the new behaviors of doing and assertion. You give up trying toforce others to do what you want and blaming them for what you don’t like and you take actions that you decide on. You ask for what you want you acton your own behalf and you take positive action. 9 253 0
1. Instead of the victim role you accept the situation you are in and takeresponsibility and make choices to function in a more healthy and happyway. You put real thought into what you want and how to get it and you takeaction to make things change 9 253 0
2. Instead of being the rescuer you give the BP NP the respect of letting himor her take care of solving his or her own problems dealing with his or herfeelings and choosing his or her own solutions. You can refuse to take whatthe BP NP says and does as meaning anything about who you are. You canquit letting fear obligation and guilt control and manipulate you into takingcare of the BP NP when you really don’t want to. 9 253 0
- It can be helpful to picture a new triangle to keep you focused on the newbehaviors we have just discussed. Instead of the actions of the persecutor you take on the new behaviors of doing and assertion. You give up trying toforce others to do what you want and blaming them for what you don’t like and you take actions that you decide on. You ask for what you want you acton your own behalf and you take positive action. 9 253 0
- Drama Triangle 5 569 0
- KEEP AT IT AND THINGS WILL START TO CHANGE 9 516 0
- Setting out to challenge the BP NP’s rules and roles can seem daunting but ifyou truly want to stop being a Caretaker and make your life better it is up toyou to make these changes. It may be smart to try out your new behaviorswith non-BP NP friends or family members first to observe the results. Practiceuntil you feel you can stand firm in the midst of the BP NP’s hurt anger and fear. When the BP NP can’t get you to participate in the old rules andinteractions he or she can get pretty upset at least for a while. If you think ofthe BP NP’s reaction more like that of a two-year-old having a temper tantrum it may be easier for you to stick to your changes. 9 569 0
The Caring Triangle 120 93 0
Assertiveness Doing 120 146 0
Caring Choice 120 146 0
Acceptance Responsibility 120 146 0
- Setting out to challenge the BP NP’s rules and roles can seem daunting but ifyou truly want to stop being a Caretaker and make your life better it is up toyou to make these changes. It may be smart to try out your new behaviorswith non-BP NP friends or family members first to observe the results. Practiceuntil you feel you can stand firm in the midst of the BP NP’s hurt anger and fear. When the BP NP can’t get you to participate in the old rules andinteractions he or she can get pretty upset at least for a while. If you think ofthe BP NP’s reaction more like that of a two-year-old having a temper tantrum it may be easier for you to stick to your changes. 9 569 0
- CREATE A LIFE FOR YOURSELF 121 1 0
- You are the only one who can decide how you want to liveyour life and you are the only one who can make it happen. Quit expectingthe BP NP to like it approve of it or support it in any way. After you learn towithstand the BP NP’s disapproval and find that he or she usually gives inafter a while you will find that taking new actions (while not without anxiety)is doable. If the BP NP has continually escalated as you’ve taken some ofthe steps above and ended up in the mental hospital or has threatened orabused you creating your own life is most likely going to have to be donecompletely without the BP NP 121 1 0
- Everything starts with you figuring out what you want to do with yourlife 121 1 0
- How do you want to feel think and act? 121 1 0
- Start thinking about it now 121 1 0
- Don’t delay any more 121 1 0
- Get busy thinking about yourself for once 121 1 0
- Are you inthe career you want? 121 1 0
- Are you living where you want? 121 1 0
- Do you have thefriends you want? 121 1 0
- Are you enjoying your personal life? 121 1 0
- Are you being theparent you want to be? 121 1 0
Think about your children and what you have taught them about lifethrough your past actions with the BP NP. Is it what you want them to learnabout relationships? Are they prepared to go out and create good lives forthemselves? If your children copied what you have shown them with yourlife would you be happy for them? Sometimes it is easier to start changesbecause you have a hope and vision for a better life for your children. Butdon’t do it all for them. Let them be a catalyst of inspiration for your ownchanges. 121
You can change your life. It’s not easy but tens of thousands of Caretakershave left or improved their relationship with a BP NP family member.You can too. Individual therapy and being in a Caretakers’ recovery groupwill give you a lot of support and validation 121 516 0
If the BP NP is your spouse or a parent ask yourself whether this is arelationship in which you can find happiness with only the changes you canmake or whether this a relationship that has already self-destructed. Make thechanges and see what happens. When you are clear inside yourself about whoyou are and what life you choose to live your relationship with a BP NP willalso become more clear. It may even get better. 121 569 0
- You are the only one who can decide how you want to liveyour life and you are the only one who can make it happen. Quit expectingthe BP NP to like it approve of it or support it in any way. After you learn towithstand the BP NP’s disapproval and find that he or she usually gives inafter a while you will find that taking new actions (while not without anxiety)is doable. If the BP NP has continually escalated as you’ve taken some ofthe steps above and ended up in the mental hospital or has threatened orabused you creating your own life is most likely going to have to be donecompletely without the BP NP 121 1 0
- ACCEPTING THE TRUTH
- Chapter Beginning to Heal: Embracing New Beliefs and Behaviors
- DON’T BELIEVE EVERYTHING YOU HEAR 123
- WHAT IS NORMAL VERSUS WHAT IS HEALTHY 123 624 0
- It is not uncommon for Caretakers to wonder what is normal. You mayfeel there is something wrong with you. And you certainly know there issomething wrong with your relationship with the BP NP. Growing up with aBP NP or being married to one is certainly not a normal experience 124
The relationship with the BP NP can frequently be chaotic unpredictable and overly emotional and rarely makes much sense. You may often be confusedabout whether something is wrong with you or with the BP NP. If youalready know there is something wrong with your BP NP parent adult child or spouse it can be very threatening to realize you are permanently attachedto someone who is so dysfunctional 124 157 0
Your relationship with the BP NP probably doesn’t feel the way youthink it should feel. It doesn’t feel relaxed or safe or warm. You may havespent years trying to do something to make your relationship better with verylittle change happening. You know your relationship with the BP NP is notnormal but you don’t know what to do instead 124 157 0
Signs that youare with a BP NP are the following 124 157 0
- Family fights never change or improve the problem 124 0
- Adult conflicts look just like two kids fighting. 124 0
- There is a lot of blaming of others 124 0
- There is no forgiveness 124 0
- Fights include sudden attacks and withdrawals 124 0
- Disagreements are dramatic emotional and threatening. 124 0
what is healthy 124 473 0
- Since it is actually pretty hard to identify what is normal in intimate personalrelationships because families vary greatly by culture beliefs religions andareas of the country it seems clearer to talk about what is healthy. 124 473 0
In relationships healthy is what makes people feel good about themselves. 124 473 0
What makes people grow into healthy functional andproductive human beings. 124 473 0
What are behaviors attitudes and skills that trulywork to create happiness and good feelings? 124 473 0
What allows people to developthe willingness to be intimate? 124 473 0
What creates the ability to look at reality anddeal with it on a consistent basis? 124 473 0
Think about what behaviors are needed tomake your life more enjoyable on a long-term basis 124 473 0
BP NP-dominated families have lots of rules rituals and fixed behaviorinteractions to keep them stabilized. 124 633 0
- By working to become healthier andleave the Caretaker role be aware that this could greatly disrupt your familyand your relationship. You are stepping into a maturing process in yourselfthat eventually becomes irreversible. Whenever our understanding and ourskills in the world increase and mature we rarely if ever go back to being less aware or less skilled or wanting less of the good things that have comeinto our lives. 125 39 13
After you learn to read or ride a bicycle or know that the earthis round or that water flows downhill you cannot reverse and not know thesethings. Knowledge permanently changes how you view yourself and theworld. Caterpillars turn into butterflies not the other way around. You willbe changing; however it is very unlikely that the BP NP will make verymany changes 125 39 13
- It is not uncommon for Caretakers to wonder what is normal. You mayfeel there is something wrong with you. And you certainly know there issomething wrong with your relationship with the BP NP. Growing up with aBP NP or being married to one is certainly not a normal experience 124
- THIS IS YOUR JOURNEY ALONE 125 51 0
- Caretakers continually search for ways to change the BP NP. You may haveread self-help books talked to friends learned new communication skills and even gone to therapy to figure out how to bring out the good person thatyou believe is inside the BP NP. You may have had high hopes for the BP NP. You may have nearly exhausted yourself trying to improve your relationshipwith the BP NP but searching for solutions to the BP NP’s problemdoes not work and cannot continue if you are to get healthy. 125 0
Right now you have to decide to go on this healing journey for yourselfand for yourself alone. 125 0
Always trying to help someone else is just a way youkeep from facing reality and making changes in your own life. 125 0
You came intothis life alone and you will leave it at your own time. 125 0
The life you are livingis yours—alone. 125 0
It is your job to make your life what you want it to be. 125 0
It isnot your job to make someone else’s life what you want it to be 125 0
important new rules 125 0
- you cannot heal anyone else 125 0
- you can heal only yourself 125 0
You may findyourself already disagreeing or feeling angry about this assertion. It is not arule that I made up. It is just how the universe works. For example you maynot like gravity but gravity is a truth of this world whether you like it or wantto believe it. It just is. Not being able to force or make someone else heal isjust a fact. Think to yourself Have I ever healed anyone? I’ve been a therapistfor over 25 years and I’ve never healed anyone. Many patients gotbetter but they did the work of healing they kept themselves motivated andthey decided what and how to heal. I acted as their supporter and guide. Ifyou are trying to change the BP NP you will not be fully focused on whatyou need to do and you will fail both with the BP NP and with yourself. 125 367 0
- Caretakers continually search for ways to change the BP NP. You may haveread self-help books talked to friends learned new communication skills and even gone to therapy to figure out how to bring out the good person thatyou believe is inside the BP NP. You may have had high hopes for the BP NP. You may have nearly exhausted yourself trying to improve your relationshipwith the BP NP but searching for solutions to the BP NP’s problemdoes not work and cannot continue if you are to get healthy. 125 0
- FACING THE FACTS 125 527 0
- Right now you may not know what is realistic or true in your relationship.You have been in a delusional world for as long as you have interacted withthe BP NP. Part of your healing is facing the truth that the BP NP is dysfunctional and may very well never get better. This can be a very depressingawareness. 125 790 0
it is only by looking at this fact and looking deeply insideyourself that you can identify what life you really want to create for yourself.You cannot expect or count on the BP NP to make any changes 126 -4 0
What do youwant to do with that? 126 -4 0
Do you know your own strengths? 126 -4 0
Do you know howyou hold yourself back from going toward the life you want? 126 -4 0
What are youwilling to do to make your life what you want it to be? 126 -4 0
- Right now you may not know what is realistic or true in your relationship.You have been in a delusional world for as long as you have interacted withthe BP NP. Part of your healing is facing the truth that the BP NP is dysfunctional and may very well never get better. This can be a very depressingawareness. 125 790 0
- YOU HAVE CONTROL ONLY OVER YOURSELF 126 0
- uncomfortable truth 126 0
- you have no control over anyone oranything else other than yourself. 126 0
As a Caretaker you have probably spent enormous amounts of time andenergy trying to control the BP NP’s thoughts feelings and behaviors inorder to make things better but has it ever really worked? Sometimes it mayhave seemed to work but I’ll bet that was really the result of the randomnature of the universe and that the changes didn’t last. 126 0
- you have no control over anyone oranything else other than yourself. 126 0
- uncomfortable truth 126 0
- YOU CAN CHANGE ONLY TWO THINGS 126 525 0
- your behavior and your thoughts 126 525 0
There are exactly two categories of things that you have the full power tochange: your behavior and your thoughts 126 525 0
Most clients I work with reallywant to change the behaviors beliefs or feelings of someone else. However these things are impossible to change because you do not have direct controlover any of them. 126 525 0
If you can’t control something you can’t directly change it. 126 525 0
If you are notdirectly changing something then you are manipulating or trying to coercethe change. 126 525 0
For instance when you have not felt loved by the BP NP haveyou tried to get him or her to love you by complaining trying to please demanding begging or threatening? 126 525 0
most people want to change is how they feel 7 0
The other thing most people want to change is how they feel. It can takequite a while and a lot of work to change how you feel because you can’tdirectly alter your feelings 7 0
Again you have to work by changing your behaviorand thoughts and then these changes affect how you feel 7 0
if youwant to feel happier you have to take actions and direct your thoughts tothings that create that happiness in you. 7 0
- your behavior and your thoughts 126 525 0
- YOU ARE NOT STUCK 260 0
- Up to now you may have felt stuck with a life you can’t control and can’tchange. If you are trying to control the BP NP you are quite right—you arestuck. When you realize how much you can change by focusing on your ownbehavior and your own thoughts the picture changes dramatically. You arenot stuck. 260 0
fact 3 0
- In fact as an adult everything in your life is there because you choose it you allow it or you accept it. 3 0
Now you may disagree and say for example that you didn’t choose your mother but I will tell you that you do allow andaccept her behavior around you and that you could actually change what youallow and accept. 3 0
explaining that they were busy studying.The truth is that the BP NP is not forcing you to allow or accept his or herbehavior; it is really your own fears worries and beliefs that keep youtrapped in the reciprocal interaction with the BP NP. 0
- In fact as an adult everything in your life is there because you choose it you allow it or you accept it. 3 0
- Up to now you may have felt stuck with a life you can’t control and can’tchange. If you are trying to control the BP NP you are quite right—you arestuck. When you realize how much you can change by focusing on your ownbehavior and your own thoughts the picture changes dramatically. You arenot stuck. 260 0
- ANY CHANGE IN YOU 102 0
- Murray Bowen the first family therapist showed that it is a fact of relationshipsthat everyone who participates in the relationship influences the actionsof all the other participants to some degree. So although you cannot directlychange or control the behavior of the BP NP you can change your ownthoughts and behaviors and get different reactions and results. 102 0
Changingyourself 102 0
choosing more adult behaviors 102 0
acknowledging your own needs 102 0
asking others for what you want 102 0
valuing yourself more all contribute tochanging your life and everyone around you 102 0
These changes may take the form of others treating you better or it maybe that some people no longer want to be around you or you no longer wantto be around them. When you make changes you are then in control of whatyou will and won’t do what you will and won’t allow others to do to you and what you will and won’t accept from others 102 0
Since you cannot directly change the BP NP it is important to removeyour focus from what the BP NP should change to what you can and want tochange in order to create a better life for yourself 102 0
Changes in you are thecornerstone of changes in your relationships living environment self-esteem sense of freedom and success in life. 102 0
- Murray Bowen the first family therapist showed that it is a fact of relationshipsthat everyone who participates in the relationship influences the actionsof all the other participants to some degree. So although you cannot directlychange or control the behavior of the BP NP you can change your ownthoughts and behaviors and get different reactions and results. 102 0
- FEELINGS ARE NOT FACTS 0
- Just because you have certain feelings doesn’t mean that those feelings arebased on present reality or that you should act on them. 0
Feelings are acombination of 0
- emotions (i.e. body sensations) 0
- memories 0
- thoughts 0
- Feelings are highly changeable 0
- they are easily misinterpreted or misidentified 0
The BP NP’s feelings are not absolute facts either 0
They are frequentlybased on overly intense emotional sensations with disaster-oriented interpretations. 0
many feelings are leftover reactions to experiences in thepast that are no longer present 0
For example if your BP dad flew into a rageevery time you made a mistake it does not mean that the feeling of fear thatyou have in the present of extreme danger when you make a mistake isrealistic appropriate for the setting or helpful to your functioning or yoursafety. 0
Don’t automatically trust your feelings. Ask yourself if your feelings are based on present reality on past experiences or on fears you have aboutthe future. 789 0
An overly emotional reaction in yourself and in the BP NP can lead tosome poor choices and behaviors. Let yourself and the BP NP calm downbefore making decisions. 130 7 0
Feelings even strong ones don’t last that long butthey do cloud good judgment. Start making choices on the basis of facts andgoals rather than emotional reactions and you will see marked improvementin your solutions 130 7 0
- Just because you have certain feelings doesn’t mean that those feelings arebased on present reality or that you should act on them. 0
- THE PAST MAY NOT BE A HELPFUL PREDICTOR OF THEPRESENT 130 208 0
- You need to learn to identify feelings that are based on present facts ratherthan memories rules or delusions and manipulated experiences from thepast. 130 0
Feelings based on manipulation past responses from others and pasttraumatic experiences are identifiable by their “over-the-top” expression.That is they are too strong and too dramatic to be a response to a presentfeeling. When you hear yourself or other people say “You’re always doingthat ” “You are just like my mother ” or “You never leave me alone ” orwhen you or others have very dramatic responses (e.g. shouting screaming stomping around hitting and so on) these are feeling responses that arebased on the past and not on the present 130 0
Transference 130 0
- Feelings from the past that come into the present are called transference. 130 0
These are feelings that are being transferred from a similar experience withsomeone in the past to a present situation. As a result the feelings are muchbigger and more dramatic than they should be. They are triggered by anexperience in the present but they cannot be understood by looking at thepresent situation. Most people don’t even know that their present-day overreactionis really about unresolved feelings from the past. 130 0
That is why so many disagreements and emotional conversations withBP NPs don’t get resolved. The present situation is only the trigger for theBP NP to feel exactly like he or she did in a past situation. These transferencesdon’t make a lot of sense in the present moment. This is why the BP NP may seem to be so overly sensitive and illogical. 130 0
- Feelings from the past that come into the present are called transference. 130 0
- You need to learn to identify feelings that are based on present facts ratherthan memories rules or delusions and manipulated experiences from thepast. 130 0
- STOP DISASTER-VISION 130 578 0
- The other way that feelings get over the top occurs when your thoughts go tofuture fears of what might happen 130 578 0
Caretakers are too often overly focused onwhat will happen next. 130 578 0
You may be continually looking out for the nextdisaster to happen. 130 578 0
This gets in your way of handling things in the present and responding calmly. 130 790 0
Typically when you are looking into the future youbegin running dozens of disaster-vision scenarios: 7 0
Examples -3 0
- “He could take the childrenaway if I . . . ” -3 0
- “She could have a meltdown at Thanksgiving if . . . ” -3 0
- “He might not speak to me for days if . . .” -3 0
Do you see how this disaster-vision focuses on the BP NP what theymight do and how to manipulate them rather than on you and what decisionsyou want and need to make at the present time? -3 0
Yes your decisions will havean effect on the BP NP but looking totally at what the BP NP might dodoesn’t lead you make to make good decisions. -3 0
Disaster-vision leads to lots of anxiety uses up a tremendous amount ofenergy and doesn’t come up with real workable solutions to the issuesbefore you. -3 0
- The other way that feelings get over the top occurs when your thoughts go tofuture fears of what might happen 130 578 0
- GIVE UP HOPE GIVE UP GUILT GIVE UP SHAME 314 0
- 1. Giving up hope 314 0
- Another really important change in your attitude that is necessary is givingup hope. To let go of the Caretaker role you will have to give up the hopethat the BP NP will ever change to please you that the BP NP will ever loveyou the way you want to be loved or that the BP NP will ever take care ofyou first. 314 0
Giving up these unrealistic hopes will improve your health andwell-being. It is part of the process of moving from fantasy to reality. If theBP NP doesn’t already do the things you have always hoped for on a regularbasis you need to realize that he or she never will. 314 0
2. Giving up guilt 314 0
- Giving up guilt is also important. Many Caretakers feel bound up with theBP NP through guilt. You have been responsible for the well-being of theBP NP first and foremost maybe for years or decades 0
You have believed that the BP NP will be hurt feel rejected attemptsuicide become deeply depressed or fly into a rage all because of what youdo and say. But haven’t you seen the BP NP do these things even when youwere trying your level best to do exactly what the BP NP wanted? Just as youcan’t change or stop the BP NP’s behavior you also can’t cause his or herbehavior. 0
Therefore you are not responsible for the BP NP’s behavior orfeelings. The BP NP uses guilt to manipulate and keep you trapped in yourown belief that you are essential to the BP NP. This belief of your omnipotencein the BP NP’s life keeps you from facing the real struggles of the fina stages of your own growing into adulthood—that is responsibility for yourself. 132 29 0
3. Give up shame 132 29 0
You also have to give up shame so that you can love yourself enough tomake the life you really want. You can’t make good changes in your life take better care of yourself feel good about yourself or allow yourself to bevulnerable with others unless you quit feeling shameful. 132 29 0
Guilt 132 29 0
- Guilt comes fromfeeling that you have hurt another person or taken a wrong action. 132 29 0
Shame 132 29 0
- Shame isthe result of feeling that you are worthless that you are a mistake or thatthere is simply something wrong with you as a person. 132 29 0
examples 132 29 0
- You feel that no one will ever really love you 132 241 0
- You don’t let people see your mistakes 132 241 0
- You don’t like your body 132 241 0
- You hide your emotions 132 241 0
- You are afraid to disagree with someone you care about 132 241 0
- You don’t stand up for yourself 132 241 0
- You are afraid that others will reject you 132 241 0
- You think that others are judging you 132 241 0
- You believe that you have to prove your worth to others 132 241 0
You are the real judge of your life 132 241 0
- Letting go of shame happens simultaneously as you learn to care for andvalue yourself. 132 241 0
When you come to the decision that you are the real judge ofyour life and that you belong on this earth as much as anyone else you willfind that you no longer feel there is something wrong with you and the BP NP can no longer manipulate you with shame. 132 241 0
- Another really important change in your attitude that is necessary is givingup hope. To let go of the Caretaker role you will have to give up the hopethat the BP NP will ever change to please you that the BP NP will ever loveyou the way you want to be loved or that the BP NP will ever take care ofyou first. 314 0
- 1. Giving up hope 314 0
- YOU REALLY NEED HELP FROM OTHERS 132 453 0
- When you give up guilt and shame you almost immediately recognize thatyou need help from other people. No one exists alone and although yourinner journey to health is your journey alone many other people can supportyou and sustain you in this journey. In order to get that help however youwill have to search it out and ask for it. 132 453 0
1. Find Role Models 132 453 0
- If you know a really healthy person who is happy fulfilled good at relationships and an excellent parent adopt him or her. This may sound flippant butI mean it quite seriously. Even in unhealthy families there are usually somehealthy people. Look at your extended family and friends to see if anyonequalifies to be a healthy role model for the kind of life you want to have.Look at friends and coworkers or acquaintances. Reach out to these healthypeople and begin deeper relationships. Hang out with them invite them into your life or move more into their circle. Look learn and copy how theycommunicate and how they make decisions and treat others in relationships.You can move towar 133
2. Watch Television 133 30 0
- This may sound really ridiculous but a television series with a character youcan clearly identify as emotionally healthy or working to be healthy can be agreat model for learning social interactions and problem-solving skills thatyou missed 133 30 0
3. Join a Group 133 347 0
- Whenever we join a group we automatically start using feeling re-creating and behaving in the same patterns that we use daily in our personal relationships.It has been my experience that Caretakers hate most groups. This isoften for good reason. While you are deeply into Caretaker behavior patterns you will likely find yourself trying to take care of everyone in the group something that obviously is exhausting and not worth going out of the housefor. 133 347 0
4. Get into Therapy 134 83 0
- You cannot do this healing alone. I cannot emphasize this enough. Caretakersare usually missing some very important experiences that are necessary tobecome a healthy person. If you are a child of a BP NP as well as a spouse you may not have a clear idea of what you don’t know. Just being in a longtermrelationship with a BP NP means that you have missed out on a lot ofvalidation your social skills may have deteriorated you may be confusedfrom being blamed for everything by the BP NP your expectations of othersmay be too much or too little you may be battling depression or you mayhave anxiety that doesn’t respond to typical treatment. Over time Caretakersbecome easily manipulated and confused about reality fantasy and delusion.You may have become highly self-critical and your self-care and self-respectmay need support. 134 82 0
You deserve to get the caring support and validation that therapy canoffer. You may also need the kind of objectivity and knowledge about mentalillness that is more than you can get from your friends or books or fromhaving time pass. Having a trained experienced therapist who specificallyunderstands the BP NP can really help you sort things out. Not a lot oftherapists have this kind of training or experience so ask specifically whattraining reading and workshops the therapist has had. 134 241 0
Embracing new more reality-based thoughts and behaviors can go a longway to reducing the stress and negativity in your life. Changing your focusfrom the BP NP’s life to your own life’s goals and purposes can turn you in anew direction. You can move from away being a Caretaker to creating ahappier healthier life that fulfills your own dreams and goals. 134 347 0
- When you give up guilt and shame you almost immediately recognize thatyou need help from other people. No one exists alone and although yourinner journey to health is your journey alone many other people can supportyou and sustain you in this journey. In order to get that help however youwill have to search it out and ask for it. 132 453 0
- Chapter-13 Increasing Your Self-Confidence
- DON’T TAKE ANYTHING PERSONALLY
- Projection
- The BP NP uses projection to shift the blame for his or her own failings feelings and disappointments onto you. 624 0
It is a way to disown his or her ownawful feelings and it is a way to control you. 624 0
It is important when dealing with the BP NP to not take anything that he orshe says or does personally. The BP NP is very prone to blaming you foreverything he or she thinks feels and does and you need to come to termswith the fact that the BP NP is not a reliable person to identify reality. About90 percent of the time whatever the BP NP says about you is a much morereliable statement about him or her. This is called projection.
- The BP NP uses projection to shift the blame for his or her own failings feelings and disappointments onto you. 624 0
- You are never to blame
- You are never to blame for how the BP NP thinks feels or acts just asthe BP NP is never to blame for your behaviors
You must let go of takingthe blame and personalizing the BP NP’s emotions if you are ever going togain control over your self-esteem and increase your self-respect
As long asyou are carrying responsibility for the BP NP’s emotions and feelings youcannot see or feel yourself accurately.
- You are never to blame for how the BP NP thinks feels or acts just asthe BP NP is never to blame for your behaviors
- Projection
- RESPECT YOURSELF
- self-respect
- Basically self-respect means to consider yourself being worthy of high regard
- 1. Consider yourself
- Taking good care of yourself
- Knowing what you feel
- Honoring your strengths
- Understanding your shortcomings without self-blame
- Thinking about what you want
- Defining goals for yourself
- Listening to your own preferences
- Choosing your own friends
- Acknowledging your needs
- Protecting yourself
- 2. See yourself as worthy 519 0
- you can’t control how people treat you but you cancertainly influence their behaviors by setting standards about what you willallow and sticking to them. 137
If you’re being treated badly 137
- you can speak upand tell the person what kind of treatment you want instead 137
You can leavethe interaction. 137
You can choose to be around people who treat you better 137
You can even choose to be alone rather than be subjected to the treatment theother person is handing out. 137
You have a lot of choice in the matter. And yourchoice is the signal to the rest of the world about how you see your worth 137
You really need to spend some time identifying where you see your senseof self-worth. A lot of Caretakers tell me they have high self-worth but whenthey accept daily abuses and bad treatment their assertion seems to representwhere they want to be not where they really are. 137
The second part of respecting yourself is to see yourself as worthy. Beingworthy means that you know your own merit and value and that you treatyourself and expect to be treated according to that value. Remember that ifsomeone is treating you poorly and you are allowing it you are agreeing withthat person’s estimate of your value 519 0
How do you see your worth? 519 0
Does your worth depend entirely on howothers value you? 519 0
How do you respond when some people see you as worthyand valuable and others do not? 519 0
Which do you believe? 519 0
The worth you see inyourself will be reflected in how you treat yourself and how you allow othersto treat you 519 0
- you can speak upand tell the person what kind of treatment you want instead 137
- you can’t control how people treat you but you cancertainly influence their behaviors by setting standards about what you willallow and sticking to them. 137
- 3. Concept of high regard 137 96 0
- The final part of our respect definition is the concept of high regard. Therole of Caretaker includes a lot of behaviors that do not bring to mind theidea of high regard. 137 255 0
Examples 137 255 0
- not considering your own feelings needs and wants when making choices; 137 255 0
- not taking care of your physical needs 137 255 0
- not even knowing what you like and don’t like do not qualify as high regard 137 255 0
So let’s say that high regard is a 10 and that no regard is a 0. Where areyou in your current relationship with the BP NP? Don’t pick a number whereyou would like to be and don’t pick a number where you think you ought tobe or where you are at work. Pick a number that really represents the respectand value you feel in your relationship with the BP NP. This is your currentbaseline. Now think of where you would like to be. This tells you how muchground you have to cover to bring your self-respect up to where you couldmake better choices and enjoy a better life 137 255 0
improving your self-respect 137 361 0
So how do you go about improving your self-respect? Everything in thisbook is about improving your self-respect. However the core to improvingself-respect is to treat yourself in every good way possible 137 361 0
Your self-respectimproves every time you do the following: 137 361 0
- Listen to your feelings 137 467 0
- Honor your own dreams 137 467 0
- Love and care for yourself 137 467 0
- Stop interactions that are hurtful to you 137 467 0
- Eliminate negative self-put-downs 137 467 0
- Take the time to think of what you want 137 467 0
- Speak up for yourself 137 467 0
- Believe the best about yourself 137 467 0
- Hang around people who really like you just the way you are 137 467 0
Keep in mind that you have to respect yourself first before you can expectothers to respect you. By setting the limits on what you will do and not do you are setting the boundaries of your self-respect. Remember that everythingthat happens to you in your relationships is because you allowed it encouraged it or put up with it. When you set clear limits on how you will betreated others see those limits and respond appropriately 96 0
Do you know 96 0
- Do you know what you value in life? 96 0
Do you know why you have thesevalues? 96 0
Do you know such everyday things about yourself as how you like todress how you like to sleep what and when you like to eat and how muchtime you like to spend with others and how much time alone? 96 0
Make sure youown what you are doing and know that these are your own choices. Only thenwill you experience a real respect for yourself. 255 0
- The final part of our respect definition is the concept of high regard. Therole of Caretaker includes a lot of behaviors that do not bring to mind theidea of high regard. 137 255 0
- self-respect
- START POSITIVE SELF-TALK AND POSITIVE ACTION 520 0
- Another step in helping you feel stronger and more confident will be eliminatingthe negative things you say and feel about yourself and then replacingthem with positive self-talk. 520 0
What would you like to be saying to yourself?What positives can you put into place instead of the negatives? You may notbelieve the positives yet but even saying to yourself what positives youwould like to feel begins creating better feelings about yourself. 520 0
Affirmations which are positive statements you make about yourself andsay over and over can certainly help. However all talk and no action doesn’tget you very far. 520 0
You have to take action to treat yourself more positivelytoo. If you don’t give yourself better treatment your inner sense of self willnot believe your positive statements 520 0
Positive self-talk is a great way to show yourself respect 520 0
How do you talkto yourself in the privacy of your own mind? 520 0
Do you talk to yourself like youwould to a friend a loved one or the most valued person in your life? 520 0
If youare not being positive toward yourself why not? 520 0
If you find yourself criticizingyourself calling yourself names deriding yourself and even emotionally punishing yourself why are you doing this? 785 0
What is your goal? 5 0
These internalnegative self-attacks may seem automatic but you can learn to controland redirect them toward positive self-support with practice and vigilance. 5 0
three-step system -9 0
- Step 1. Validation of what you have done well -9 0
- Step 2. A gentle request to make a change of your choosing -9 0
- Step 3. A statement of encouragement and confidence -9 0
- Another step in helping you feel stronger and more confident will be eliminatingthe negative things you say and feel about yourself and then replacingthem with positive self-talk. 520 0
- BALANCE YOUR EMOTIONS AND THOUGHTS 0
- Balancing your emotions with thoughts may take some practice if you havebeen used to the over-the-top emotionality of a BP NP-dominated relationship. 314 0
The BP NP focuses almost entirely on feelings rather than thinking 314 0
The BP NP acts out dwells on and exaggerates feelings so that when youare around him or her it can be difficult for you to think and make rationaldecisions 314 0
It can even be hard to know what you are thinking when all around youare feelings of anxiety fear anger and so on from the BP NP. Learning totune into your own thoughts and dial down your attention to the emotions inthe interaction with the BP NP can take some real concentration. Strongfeelings can be triggered by a sound or smell a voice inflection or a touch and they can then move through the nervous system a hundred times fasterthan thoughts. That is why habitual emotional reactions seem to happen evenwithout thoughts. 527 0
Common negative thoughts 0 208 0
- I’m not lovable. 0 367 0
- I’m not good enough 0 367 0
- I’m too selfish. 0 367 0
- I’m not good at . . . 0 367 0
- I don’t deserve . . . 0 367 0
- I’m not worthwhile 0 367 0
- I’m useless. 0 367 0
- It is all my fault. 0 367 0
Challenge these oldnegative self-criticisms using facts about your behaviors and character 0 0
- I deserve a vacation as much as anyone else 0 0
- I am a thoughtful and sincere person 0 0
- I am a good cook. 0 0
- I am a caring parent. 0 0
Feelings 1 102 0
- Feelings are actually a combination of emotions and thoughts blendedtogether. 1 102 0
Raw emotion 1 102 0
- Raw emotion is really a physical reaction caused by a chemicalrelease in the body. 1 102 0
Feelings are the result of observing that emotion andmaking some kind of sense out of the reaction. 1 155 0
Feelings are an essentialcomponent to coming to good decisions about what to do in specific situations. 1 155 0
example 1 155 0
For example the feeling of loving someone is one of the most complexwe experience and includes many emotions and sensations (e.g. warmth safety excitement and lust) and many thoughts (e.g. attractiveness interests and opinions) and these blend together to lead us to behaviors andchoices that may affect us for the rest of our lives. 1 155 0
Look at the thoughts and meanings that you connect with various emotions such as anger hurt joy fear and comfort. Explore the meanings thoughts and memories you have associated with these emotions as youconfront new situations. This will lead you to a greater understanding of whatyou want and what you value. With this knowledge you can make betterdecisions about what actions to take 1 314 0
- Balancing your emotions with thoughts may take some practice if you havebeen used to the over-the-top emotionality of a BP NP-dominated relationship. 314 0
- CONTROL YOUR OWN FEELINGS OF INTIMIDATION 1 0
- The BP NP is a master of intimidation. Because BP NPs are totally focusedon getting what they want and need to feel better they are willing to threaten cajole demand beg and complain over and over until they are successful allwith very little thought for the effect on you. 1 0
Signs of Manipulation 1 0
- feeling anxious 1 0
- feeling guilty 1 0
- feeling stupid 1 0
- The BP NP is a master of intimidation. Because BP NPs are totally focusedon getting what they want and need to feel better they are willing to threaten cajole demand beg and complain over and over until they are successful allwith very little thought for the effect on you. 1 0
- LET GO OF YOUR DEPENDENCE ON THE BP NP 2 207 0
- Separating the control of your life from the BP NP will help you create a lifeof your own that is relaxed calm and nurturing. BP NPs keep control of youwhen they threaten to take away their love money fidelity or commitmentin the relationship with you. Do you seriously want to be emotionally andphysically dependent on a person who is out of touch with reality mentallyill and often an emotional time bomb? 2 313 0
How dependent are you on the BP NP? 2 313 0
Does he or she provide all theincome the child care your sense of well-being or your social life? 2 313 0
Youranxiety will always be high as long as you depend primarily on the BP NPfor anything. 2 313 0
BP NPs cannot be highly dependable because of their emotionalups and downs and their tendency to let you down just at the moment youneed them to be there for you 2 313 0
Assess what dependencies you have on theBP NP in your life and decide what to do about these. Do you need to get ajob get the children in daycare find your own friends or love yourselfmore? Whatever it is now is a good time to start moving toward becomingmore independent and therefore less anxious. 2 313 0
- Separating the control of your life from the BP NP will help you create a lifeof your own that is relaxed calm and nurturing. BP NPs keep control of youwhen they threaten to take away their love money fidelity or commitmentin the relationship with you. Do you seriously want to be emotionally andphysically dependent on a person who is out of touch with reality mentallyill and often an emotional time bomb? 2 313 0
- LEARN SELF-ASSERTION 2 0
- The idea of being more assertive can feel very dangerous at first whendealing with a BP NP. One of the skills that is often poorly developed inCaretakers is self-assertion. The BP NP can be very clever at getting you togive up your desire to ask for or say what you want so you are going to needto reclaim your sense of self by developing the skill of asserting your viewsand wants. Often Caretakers give up their own wants because BP NPs reactso angrily or override your ideas with what they want or they convenientlyforget or just plain ignore what you want. However it is important to knowand say what you want in your own life. Much of a person’s identity ismanifested in what they identify they want and what they are willing to standup for and aim for. 2 0
effective way of being assertive 3 49 0
- say what you think 3 49 0
- say what you feel 3 49 0
- say what you want to do 3 49 0
- go do it yourself 3 49 0
Give up thinking that youcan change the BP NP’s behavior by asking him or her to change. The way tocreate change in your life is to do it yourself. 3 49 0
Get what you want 3 155 0
- Identify what you want 3 155 0
- State clearly what you think feel and want nonemotionally 3 155 0
- Don’t discuss 3 155 0
- Decide what action you wish to take 3 155 0
- Take the action. 3 155 0
Focus on making statements about what you are going to do and on theactions that you can take: 3 314 0
Instead of 3 314 0
- I want you to be more I’ve decided I want more affection in my life.affectionate 3 314 0
- I want you to be nicer to me. I’ve decided to be nicer to myself 3 314 0
- Why can’t you listen to me? I want to be heard when I share my thoughts 3 314 0
- Stop being so angry. I’ve decided to not be around angry people 3 314 0
- Can I go back to school? I want to finish my college education 3 314 0
By stating what you want and plan to do without identifying the BP NP asbad or as the problem or needing to change you put a new idea out aboutwho you are and what you are going to do leaving the BP NP to choosewhether he or she will be part of the change. 3 473 0
Identifying what you want places you where you need to be that is as thedirector of your life. This also helps you see that the BP NP does not controlyour life—you do. When you never say what you think feel or want in allpracticality you don’t exist. 4 51 0
- The idea of being more assertive can feel very dangerous at first whendealing with a BP NP. One of the skills that is often poorly developed inCaretakers is self-assertion. The BP NP can be very clever at getting you togive up your desire to ask for or say what you want so you are going to needto reclaim your sense of self by developing the skill of asserting your viewsand wants. Often Caretakers give up their own wants because BP NPs reactso angrily or override your ideas with what they want or they convenientlyforget or just plain ignore what you want. However it is important to knowand say what you want in your own life. Much of a person’s identity ismanifested in what they identify they want and what they are willing to standup for and aim for. 2 0
- TRUST YOUR INTUITION 4 51 0
- Intuition 4 208 0
- Intuition isyour inner sense of knowing what action will lead to the best result for yourwell-being. It involves being able to read other people’s body language accurately understand the meaning of what is going on and know yourself wellenough to accurately take actions that will lead to positive results for yourlife. 4 208 0
Intuition develops and becomes automatic after you have practiced overand over knowing yourself and accurately knowing other people 4 208 0
Your intuition becomes easier and more accurate when you are not enmeshedwith the BP NP. You cannot get a good sense of what is good for you whenyou are also carrying around the BP NP’s feelings and needs 4 208 0
Caretakers often have a highly developed intuition for the BP NP’s feelings wants and needs but you may not be as intuitive about your own 4 314 0
Enmeshment with the BP NP makes it hard to tune into you own meaningsabout what is happening. You may have been automatically taking the BP NP’s meanings as your own without thinking through what it really means toyou. 4 314 0
You may find yourself automatically believing what the BP NP saysabout you without really deciding if that is true from your perspective. 4 314 0
- Intuition isyour inner sense of knowing what action will lead to the best result for yourwell-being. It involves being able to read other people’s body language accurately understand the meaning of what is going on and know yourself wellenough to accurately take actions that will lead to positive results for yourlife. 4 208 0
- Intuition 4 208 0
- TAKE CHARGE OF YOUR OWN LIFE 4 314 0
- taking charge of your life 4 580 0
- 1. you need to know what you think 4 580 0
- 2. you need to know how you feel 4 580 0
- 3. you need to know what you want 4 580 0
- 4. you need to know how you want tolive your life 4 580 0
When you move to caring for yourself you will find that your selfconfidenceincreases as well as your awareness of who you are and what youwant in life. 4 580 0
Your job in life is to live your life the way you choose. 4 580 0
This isnot selfish uncaring or disloyal which is what the BP NP may want you tobelieve. Being you is what you are here to do. 4 792 0
Being in a relationship with another person is enjoyable but it can’t be done effectively and happily untilyou know who you are and what you want in your own life. 4 792 0
When you are caretaking the BP NP you are not effectively taking care ofyourself. You are not adequately being responsible for yourself because youare not even paying attention to what you are feeling and doing 5 -3 0
It is yourresponsibility to be in charge of your own life not the BP NP’s life. 5 -3 0
You areresponsible for what you do how you think and feel and how you live yourlife. Being in charge of your own life means deciding who you are and whatyou want to do and taking responsibility to do it. 5 -3 0
Now is the time to let theBP NP take care of his or her life and for you to focus on yours 5 -3 0
- taking charge of your life 4 580 0
- DON’T TAKE ANYTHING PERSONALLY
- Chapter-14 Nurturing and Caring for Yourself
- The task of giving up the Caretaker role will require that you be physically mentally and emotionally prepared to make some big changes. Up to now you have been hoping that the BP NP would get well and start taking care ofyou and your needs like you have been doing for him or her. Letting go of theCaretaker role means that you now recognize that you will be taking care ofyour own needs and wants and focusing less on the BP NP. Learning tonurture and care for yourself is an important step in that change. Truly caringfor yourself helps you to know yourself and your needs better and can helpyou get stronger and ready to challenge more effectively the emotional chaosof the BP NP. 7
DIALING DOWN YOUR ANXIETY 7
- Breathe calmly and continually 7
- Breathe calmly and continually. When you are angry anxious fearful worried and so on you are probably not breathing very well. You may noticethat you stop breathing for long periods of time resulting in a sudden intakeor exhale of breath. It can be helpful to notice whether you hold your breathwith the air in or out of your chest. Then you can remind yourself “Breathein breathe out” or “Let it go let it go.” 7
Learning to control your breath canhave a strong effect on your emotions and energy. For instance holding yourbreath with the air out can make you feel vulnerable because you have littleor no energy for action. Your brain begins to lose oxygen and your thinkingbegins to deteriorate. Holding your breath with the air in helps you preparefor action but often the action comes out too strongly and harshly leading tonegative escalation and hostility. 7
You might also notice yourself breathing fast and only in the top part ofyour chest. This kind of breathing will make you feel more anxious 7 731 0
Walking swimming singing and dancing are all enjoyable ways to becomemore aware of your breathing. Notice over and over during the dayhow you are breathing. Spend some time each day practicing relaxationbreathing to get your body used to breathing to your command. This abilityto relax your physical body can help you relax your mind as well. 8
- Breathe calmly and continually. When you are angry anxious fearful worried and so on you are probably not breathing very well. You may noticethat you stop breathing for long periods of time resulting in a sudden intakeor exhale of breath. It can be helpful to notice whether you hold your breathwith the air in or out of your chest. Then you can remind yourself “Breathein breathe out” or “Let it go let it go.” 7
- Getting lots of rest 8
- Getting lots of rest is extremely helpful in reducing anxiety. Living with aBP NP is an exhausting experience. You are in a constant state of arousal andhypervigilance waiting for the next emotional explosion from the BP NP 8
You need to have a truly restful place to sleep. And you need to getenough sleep. Assess your own needs on this. If your partner is keeping youfrom getting this primary human need met consider what you can do to getthis need met more effectively 8 0
- Getting lots of rest is extremely helpful in reducing anxiety. Living with aBP NP is an exhausting experience. You are in a constant state of arousal andhypervigilance waiting for the next emotional explosion from the BP NP 8
- Reduce stress around eating 8 519 0
- Do you eat when you get stressed? Do you findit hard to eat anything when you’re stressed? What kind of stress happensaround the dinner table in your household? 8 519 0
CREATE A REGULAR ALONE PLACE 9
- Your alone place can be any room or space where you can be alone. Basically it needs to be a space where you can sit quietly and think or read a book ordo anything you want 9
Your space needs to be one thatdiscourages or limits the entry of the BP NP. An extra bedroom room a denor office or even a space in the garage are all good possibilities. As a child Isat in a tree in the backyard. I’ve also heard of people using a tent in thebackyard a closet a neighbor’s house or a special place by a lake or river.Some people take a drive or a walk by themselves. Spending regular alonetime is necessary to establish your right to be alone and to have the space tothink your own thoughts 9
One of my clients went to a workshop on centering prayer came home and set up the extra bedroom as a prayer room and went there regularly. HerNP husband who thought that her actions were ridiculous avoided her at allcosts when she was in that room. She didn’t even need to put a lock on thedoor to discourage him from coming in. You can start any activity that youlove and that your partner doesn’t enjoy and do it whenever you need to getaway such as sewing in your sewing room woodworking in your garage daily walks alone or with the dog grooming the horses meditating or takinga two-hour bath—whatever works for you 9
Being alone to think and focus on what you feel need and want in life isessential when you are in a relationship with a BP NP. Having somewhere togo and something to do can help lower your anxiety and short-circuit yourautomatic response to engage with the BP NP in useless antagonistic and inflammatory discussions or arguments that just make your relationshipworse. 0 64 0
Things to avoid 0 64 0
- addictive activities that donot help you think relax and take care of yourself 0 64 0
- shopping 0 64 0
- watching hours of television 0 64 0
- surfing the Internet and chat rooms 0 64 0
- drinking alcohol 0 64 0
- doing more than an hour of exercise a day (unless you aretraining for a marathon) 0 64 0
- overeating or bitch sessions with friends 0 64 0
DO THINGS WITH YOUR OWN FRIENDS 0 222 0
- Do things with other people without expecting your BP NP partner to joinyou. BP NPs really pressure Caretakers into thinking that you have to doeverything with them 0 222 0
Too often when the BP NP doesn’t want to do somethingthat you want to do the BP NP’s veto controls both of you. By makingyour own friends and activities you can create a life of your own that increasesyour independence. 0 222 0
Unless you actually fear that the BP NP wouldphysically harm or restrain you it is probably your own anxiety at beingaway from the BP NP or your anticipatory fear that the BP NP will be angrythat keeps you from taking these independent actions. Look inside at what isreally keeping you from doing the things you want. 0 222 0
CREATE YOUR OWN HAPPINESS 0 381 0
- If you are depending on the relationship with the BP NP to make you feelbetter you have found out by now that it is not likely to happen very often.Start looking around at all the things in your life that can and do make youhappy 0 486 0
Examples 0 486 0
- such as your children 0 486 0
- work 0 486 0
- hobbies 0 486 0
- friendships 0 486 0
- leisure activities 0 486 0
- abeautiful day of good weather 0 486 0
- animal companions 0 486 0
- community service 0 486 0
What are the things in life that make you feel grateful? 0 486 0
Get in touch withyour compassion for others who don’t have as good a life as you have 0 486 0
Reachout and give to others. 0 486 0
Engage with other people who could and wouldappreciate your attention help encouragement and support 0 486 0
Your whole lifedoes not have to be completely focused on the BP NP. 0 486 0
There are plenty ofpeople and activities in the world to engage in enjoy and bring you happiness. 0 486 0
ME FIRST 1 64 0
- It is not selfish to take care of yourself. Putting yourself first may be veryhard for you and you may not have many ideas about how to take care ofyourself. When you have spent so long focused on the BP NP it can be achallenge to move your attention to yourself. You may not feel deserving oftaking care of yourself or you may not have many self-care skills. You maynot think you have the time to care for yourself or you may not know whatfeels good to you. 1 64 0
Putting yourself first is not about being selfish and developing a “me”attitude. 1 64 0
This is a reminder that unless you take care of your body and mind you will not be strong enough to make the changes you are trying to make. Ifyou are exhausted or depressed have no time to yourself and are constantlyat the beck and call of someone else you cannot move out of the Caretakerrole. Taking care of yourself in a healthy way is a change that can help youbecome more fully who you want to be a process of loving yourself first.Only then can you give to others without depleting yourself and feelingresentful. 1 64 0
Remember that no one else in the universe has been assigned to take careof you. 1 328 0
As an adult you now have the job whether you like it or not oftaking care of yourself. If you don’t care for yourself you will become moreand more needy demanding and eventually emotionally and or physicallyill. Since everyone else is out taking care of themselves they probably don’tnotice and can only guess what you need to feel healthy and good aboutyourself. 1 328 0
Your main job in life is to become more and more of who and whatyou are and therefore to make your unique contribution to the human race. 1 328 0
Obviously no one else can make the contribution you have within you tomake and you can’t do your best if you aren’t taking care of yourself 1 328 0
the first thing to do is get your mind in line with the idea that takinggood care of yourself is very important. It is important not only to you butalso to everyone who loves you. You deserve it and you have to do it or elsesuffer the consequences 1 434 0
You may find that you have to let go of your desire to have the BP NP dothe job of taking care of you along with letting go of any anger at the BP NPfor so rarely stepping up. 1 487 0
You have to give up the magical thinking that bytaking care of the BP NP he or she will love you enough to take care of you 1 487 0
Maybe the BP NP will be caring of you (sometimes when he or she feels likeit or has extra time or there is an emergency) but haven’t you learned by nowto quit expecting the BP NP to do what you want? 1 487 0
No one can take better care of you than you anyway. Only you have 24 access to how you feel what you want how you want it how much youwant and exactly what you want. 1 487 0
MEDITATION RELAXATION AND EXERCISE 2 117 0
- Time spent quietly with your own thoughts and without interruption is areally valuable way to take care of yourself. When you live with a BP NP your thoughts are often not your own. Taking time every day to tune intowhat you feel want and believe is important. Take time everyday for yourselfand let go of your thoughts and worries for 20 minutes or so. Be withyourself. Pray do yoga or practice sitting and meditating away from the BP NP. Tell the BP NP what you are doing but don’t let him or her stop you. Thegoal is to learn to significantly reduce the constant hypervigilance worry and anxiety that weigh you down. One client did this by dancing anotherworked in her garden and another said that cleaning closets worked prettywell. 2 117 0
HEALTHY WAYS TO GET NURTURED 2 383 0
- Caretakers often don’t get enough nurturing. Although exercise is a goodway to release tension out of the body it is rarely nurturing. Getting amassage or a reflexology session can do wonders to help you relax andbecome more aware of how your body feels where you store tension andcan relieve anxiety depression and even shame. Just getting your neck andshoulders massaged can help you feel that your life is less of a burden. Anykind of spa treatments such as facials mud baths body wraps or manicuresor pedicures help too. All of these focus on your body your needs and yourhealth in a nurturing way. 2 540 0
MEDS COULD HELP 3 172 0
- There are safe and effective medications that can help you deal with yourdepression and anxiety. Many Caretakers have a low-level anxiety much ofthe time. It may be that after you do all the things suggested here you stillfeel a constant dread depression or anger that you have to override in orderto take the actions you want to take. Talk to your therapist or see your doctorto discuss your situation candidly describing your symptoms specifically.Do not downplay your symptoms (something that Caretakers have a strongtendency to do). Then work with your doctor to adjust the medications to thelevel that works for you. 3 172 0
ENJOYING BEING YOU 3 5
- When was the last time that you enjoyed just being who you are? 3 5
Feelingyour feelings thinking your thoughts and making your own choices are theelements of really enjoying being you. 3 5
All sorts of feelings can appear whenyou become yourself. You may feel frightened at the responsibility (no oneto blame) or giddy with the excitement of doing things you’ve always wantedto do. You may feel newly alive or finally feel that you are fitting into yourskin. Revel in these feelings work through them and learn to know yourself 3 5
Your life is yours to live to direct and to be in. Notice how others react tothe real you. Changing from being a Caretaker can be like the metamorphosisfrom caterpillar to butterfly. When you break out of your old skin and takethe risk of flying instead of creeping along it can be invigorating. 4 -39 0
GET A SUPPORT TEAM 4 172 0
- Don’t think that you have to tough out all these changes by yourself. Create ateam including yourself your therapist physician and a couple of timetestedfriends or family member to keep tabs on your progress 4 172 0
Learn to trusttheir input and observations about the reality of your situation until you cantrust your own judgment. This is your support team for change. Use them bybeing honest and open so that you can learn what it feels like to feel calm andsafe and cared for by others. This will also give you a template for findingnew and loving people to include in your life. 4 172 0
Letting go of anxiety and learning to nurture yourself can take awhile.Some things will help a lot and some less. It may take some experimentationand practice. Some Caretakers find that they have to pull themselves out ofanxiety every few seconds at first but as they practice and increase their selfnurturing they find that they can maintain for longer and longer periods oftime. As you find people and situations that are free from anxiety createconnections with them and increase this contact as much as possible. Buildinga calm and safe environment is essential for a happier freer more fulfillinglife and this investment in yourself can really pay off 4 225 0
- Breathe calmly and continually 7
- The task of giving up the Caretaker role will require that you be physically mentally and emotionally prepared to make some big changes. Up to now you have been hoping that the BP NP would get well and start taking care ofyou and your needs like you have been doing for him or her. Letting go of theCaretaker role means that you now recognize that you will be taking care ofyour own needs and wants and focusing less on the BP NP. Learning tonurture and care for yourself is an important step in that change. Truly caringfor yourself helps you to know yourself and your needs better and can helpyou get stronger and ready to challenge more effectively the emotional chaosof the BP NP. 7
- Chapter Anxiety-Reducing Skills with the BP NP
- giving in and giving up 5
- anxiety 5
- resentment 5
- anger 5
- hurt 5
- lowered self-esteem 5
- Strategies 5
- change your own mind-set 5 519 0
- strengthen your self-esteem 5 519 0
- nurture and provide for you own emotionalneeds 5 519 0
- learn more effective skills to function 5 519 0
- UNDERSTANDING THE BP NP’S VIEW OF THE WORLD 6
- BP NP’s unpredictability 6
- highly unpredictable 6
- suddenly changing from one emotionto another 6
- reversing behaviors 6
- pulling you in 6
- pushing youaway 6
- 10 Basic BP NP needs and feelings 6
- You cannot change any of these 10 facts 7
1. Everything that is not in the control of BP NPs will make them anxious. 6
2. Whatever feelings BP NPs are experiencing are absolute facts to them and they believe that these feelings are caused by someone else. 6
3. There is only the present moment. The past and future are nonexistent. 6
4. Unlike mentally healthy people the emotions of BP NPs are often notcaused by their thoughts. They have an emotion first and then theirminds try to think of reasons for having the feeling. 6
5. BP NPs assume that you perceive think feel and want exactly thesame as they do. When they perceive a difference between the two ofyou they feel threatened and will usually try to convince you tochange. 6
6. Any change in anything will cause extreme anxiety in BP NPs. 6
7. BP NPs cannot tolerate your being emotionally close or your beingapart from them in any way. 6
8. BP NPs feel deeply inadequate unloved and undeserving of love.(Note: This feeling cannot be changed by you.) 6
9. The emotions of BP NPs are indescribably intense similar to those ofan infant. Their total focus is—and always will be—on making themselvesfeel better. 7
10. If you are not completely focused on the BP NP they feel nonexistent 7
- You cannot change any of these 10 facts 7
- emotional development 7
- BP NPs are more similar to two-yearoldsthan to adults 7
They typically do not believe that anything or anyone intheir world is permanent 7
Only the specific emotions that BP NPs are havingin the present moment are real 7
They often do not remember past emotions thoughts or behaviors and they feel convinced that their present emotionwill last forever 7
“Would I expect a two-year-old to keep promises orremember to do chores or be alone for more than a few minutes or understandhow to act at a formal gathering or wait for anything or do somethingthat he or she didn’t want to do or be at ease in new situations or to go alongwith a change of plans?” Of course you wouldn’t. Your expectation that theBP NP will consistently be able to do these things adds to your feeling thatthe BP NP is unpredictable. 7
- BP NPs are more similar to two-yearoldsthan to adults 7
- 1. BE PREDICTABLE 7 519 0
- Establish routines and don’t change plans without a lot of advance warningto the BP NP. Don’t expect the BP NP to adjust to changes that happensuddenly. 7 519 0
Try to have a schedule for everything that you can 8
- Establish routines and don’t change plans without a lot of advance warningto the BP NP. Don’t expect the BP NP to adjust to changes that happensuddenly. 7 519 0
- 2. GO VERY SLOWLY STEP BY STEP 8
- Step 1: Drop a casual comment that is fairly general such as “ I hear thatnext semester I might be teaching an evening class.” 8
Step 2: A couple of weeks or even months before the change you couldadd “I’m thinking that Monday or Wednesday might work for anevening class.” Ignore any comments from the BP NP and don’t getinto a discussion. 8
Step 3: At least a week later ask “Do you think I should teach theMonday or the Wednesday class?” Again don’t get into a discussion.Just acknowledge the BP NP’s preference and don’t make promises tocomply. 8
Step 4: When you actually know what night you will be teaching say “My department chair says I have to teach the Monday class. I knowthis will be hard for you. How can I make it easier for you?” 8 255 0
Step 5: Listen to the BP NP’s comments complaints and upset withoutgetting involved yourself. Just acknowledge what a problem this isgoing to be for the BP NP: “I can hear that this will be very difficultfor you” or “I’m sorry this will be inconvenient for you.” Do notexpect the BP NP to do anything special to accommodate you. 8 255 0
Step 6: Identify a couple of benefits for the BP NP that will be appealing such as “That means you can watch Monday Night Football as loudas you want” or “Maybe your brother will want to come over andwatch with you.” 8 255 0
Step 7: Be prepared to wait days or weeks for the BP NP to calm down.After that it will be likely that the BP NP will feel that you alwaysteach on Mondays 8
- Step 1: Drop a casual comment that is fairly general such as “ I hear thatnext semester I might be teaching an evening class.” 8
- 3. USE DISTRACTION
- If you need or want to be gone for an activity suggest something for the BP NP to do that he or she really enjoys that will distract from your absence. 157 0
Another variation of this is to plan your away activities when the BP NP ishappily engrossed in a regular activity such as a weekly television show before the BP NP gets up or after he or she has gone to bed while he or she isat work or on the BP NP’s regular bowling night 157 0
try quiet distractions 157 0
- Excuse yourself to go tothe bathroom close the door and stay there for 10 to 20 minutes 157 0
Suddenlyremember that you have to go to the store immediately for something and begone 20 to 40 minutes. 157 0
Pick up a briefcase and let the BP NP know that youwould love to keep discussing this but that you have paperwork to get donebefore work in the morning. 157 0
Work for at least a half hour. 157 0
Have a friend onspeed dial so that when you call him or her with the message 911 the friendwill call you and you can stop the argument with the BP NP to answer thephone walk outside and talk for 20 minutes 157 0
These “time-outs” distract theBP NP from the interaction and give him or her time to calm down and getout of his or her crazy thought pattern. 157 0
- Excuse yourself to go tothe bathroom close the door and stay there for 10 to 20 minutes 157 0
- If you need or want to be gone for an activity suggest something for the BP NP to do that he or she really enjoys that will distract from your absence. 157 0
- 4. REFLECT THE BP NP’S FEELINGS 422 0
- Reflecting how the BP NP feels is very helpful in soothing the BP NP. Bystating out loud and specifically what the BP NP feels you are showing theBP NP that you really are hearing him or her. This has a calming effect. Justsaying “I understand ” however doesn’t convince the BP NP that you hearhim or her. Specifically 422 0
identify the feeling: 422 0
- I see that you are feeling really disappointed 422 0
- I’m sorry you feel so sad about this 422 0
- It sounds like you don’t like the fried chicken 422 0
- You look angry and hurt 422 0
- I can hear how frustrated you are 422 0
- Reflecting how the BP NP feels is very helpful in soothing the BP NP. Bystating out loud and specifically what the BP NP feels you are showing theBP NP that you really are hearing him or her. This has a calming effect. Justsaying “I understand ” however doesn’t convince the BP NP that you hearhim or her. Specifically 422 0
- 5.DON’T OVERTLY DISAGREE 0 158 0
- The BP NP does not usually do well in the presence of the words no but andyou’re wrong. Since the BP NP is always expecting to be discounted rejected or told that he or she is wrong avoiding these words helps you avoidemotional explosions. Choosing your words carefully and exactly may seemsilly or inconvenient but it makes a big difference in the outcome 0 158 0
When you have a different point of view that you need or want to expressto the BP NP you can begin by stating what feeling or thought you heardfrom the BP NP. Then add your views wants or needs tied together with theword and. 0 158 0
avoid the word but 0 158 0
- I know that you don’t want me to go to the meeting tonight and unfortunately I really have to go 0 158 0
I understand that you like the red blouse and I like the blue one 0 158 0
I can hear that you are really disappointed that I can’t go. Can we gettogether later for coffee? 0 158 0
I see you are angry with Tommy about his grades. I also want to point outthat he did bring up the C to a B this quarter 0 158 0
By avoiding overt disagreement the BP NP feels more relaxed and calm andmay be more able to hear a differing point of view. Keep in mind that tellingthe BP NP that he or she is wrong will guarantee a fight while addingadditional information is more likely to encourage a discussion 0 0
- I know that you don’t want me to go to the meeting tonight and unfortunately I really have to go 0 158 0
- The BP NP does not usually do well in the presence of the words no but andyou’re wrong. Since the BP NP is always expecting to be discounted rejected or told that he or she is wrong avoiding these words helps you avoidemotional explosions. Choosing your words carefully and exactly may seemsilly or inconvenient but it makes a big difference in the outcome 0 158 0
- 6. CREATE REGULAR COUPLE ACTIVITIES 0 475 0
- When the BP NP can count on a regular enjoyable activity with you he orshe feels better about you and the relationship. Doing things together is morevalidating to the BP NP than words. Figure out something that both you andthe BP NP like and make it part of your routine. Then when the BP NP saysthat you “never do anything together ” you can identify the regular activityand say how much it means to you and how much you enjoy doing it withhim or her. The BP NP often doesn’t remember the past (especially pastemotions) so this reminds the BP NP of a positive event and the feelings thatwent with it. This is soothing and reassuring to the BP NP and enjoyable foryou as well. This helps the BP NP feel valued by you lowers his or heranxiety and provides a balance for times when you want to do things alone. 0 475 0
- giving in and giving up 5
- Chapter-16 Change-Creating Skills with the BP NP
- 1. SET BOUNDARIES AND LIMITS 3
- Just as you need to set boundaries to keep your two-year-old from creatingharm to him- or herself and others so too do you need to set boundaries andlimits on the harmful behaviors of the BP NP in your relationship 3 730 0
Identify when and how the BP NP is trying to control and dominate your life or trying to manipulate you into doing things you don’twant to do or trying to tell you how to think and feel 3 783 0
These are all violationsof your right to be you and they do not actually benefit the BP NP 4 0
Decide what you want to do to stop the BP NP’s behavior fromharming you 4 0
Setting limits and boundaries on what you will allow accept and encouragethe BP NP to do to you is essential 4
What is a boundary? 4
- A boundary is a line that you don’tallow others to cross. 4
You may think you are setting a boundary when yousay “I’m done I’m fed up I won’t tolerate this anymore ” yet too often inthe past you have actually done nothing to change these things that you can’ttolerate. Identify the boundaries that you want to protect and defend thentake real and effective steps to figure out what actions you are going to taketo make that boundary stick. 4
Since the BP NP strongly resists any boundaries be prepared for an initialbattle. However if you make the boundary clear and firm and never evergive in the BP NP will eventually become accustomed to it and will relax. 4 254 0
Caretakers are so afraid of the BP NP’s initial outburst or theirthreats of anger and hostility that you give in and lose all the gains made byidentifying the boundary in the first place. Since this will be a challenge toboth you and the BP NP choose your boundaries and limits carefully andsparingly 4 254 0
Keep in mind that you cannot enforce a boundary or limit that you haveno power over. You hold power primarily over what you will do if theboundary is breached. It is also helpful to set limits only about the things thatare really important enough to warrant the amount of energy and emotionalstrength that it will require you to follow through 4 254 0
You don’t need to tell the BP NP why you have made the boundary—justkeep stating the boundary over and over and be sure to act on it consistently. 4 254 0
examples 4 254 0
I am not okay with your yelling at me like that. If you can calm yourvoice down I will listen; otherwise I will leave the room 4 0
I told you that I need you to stop criticizing me. Since you can’t stopcriticizing and yelling I’m going into my room for awhile 4 0
I have felt resentful when I loaned you money in the past. This is now thelast money I will give you. From now on I expect you to take care ofthese money problems on your own. 4 0
a statement about 4 0
- how you feel 4 0
- what you want 4 0
- what you are going to do next 4 0
- Just as you need to set boundaries to keep your two-year-old from creatingharm to him- or herself and others so too do you need to set boundaries andlimits on the harmful behaviors of the BP NP in your relationship 3 730 0
- 2. TAKE ACTION NOT DISCUSSION 5
- Anything that you want to change will have a better chance of success if yousimply change what you are doing. Taking action instead of discussing whatyou plan to do with the BP NP gives you a greater chance of success 5
Actionmeans that you either start a new behavior or quit doing something that youusually do. The thing to keep in mind is that you need to be able to controlthese behaviors entirely on your own 5
Caretakers try to convince the BP NP with words and logic toagree to the new change in behavior. You don’t need the BP NP’s permissionor agreement before you change your own behavior to something that worksbetter for you. 5 254 0
Actions are more believable and have more impact thanwords. If you want space go take it. 5 254 0
Don’t argue with the BP NP that youdeserve to take it. 5 254 0
Tell the BP NP what you will or will not be doing and thenjust do it. Leaving a written message can even avoid the temptation to discussthe issue. But be reliable 5 254 0
- Anything that you want to change will have a better chance of success if yousimply change what you are doing. Taking action instead of discussing whatyou plan to do with the BP NP gives you a greater chance of success 5
- 3. BE FIRM AND ALSO REASSURE 6
- Being firm means that you stick to what you have decided to do differently even if by the time you get out of the house to do it you don’t really have theinterest or energy anymore. Wearing you down is one way the BP NP discouragesyou from doing what you want. The BP NP can throw chores ortasks or various restrictions as well as tantrums hysteria and offers of sex atyou to get you to change your mind. The minute you give up however youhave to start from the beginning to reset the boundary. 6
So it is extremelyimportant to get through the door into your sanctuary or out of the housewhether you actually feel like doing what you were going to do or notanymore. Stay away until you reach the time that you told the BP NP youwould return and then reliably and on time return to the BP NP. This is thesame method that parents use to teach a very young child to tolerate theirabsence. 6
Reassuring BP NPs that you care for them and enjoy being with them orreminding them of the good times you’ve had together helps them remembertheir connection to you and hold on to the good feeling while you are absent.The borderline is still likely to get hurt angry or emotional as you depart while the narcissist is more likely to try to lure you to stay with him or herusing sex suggesting something “more fun” to do or threatening abandonment.Don’t buy into these emotional manipulations. Continue to be pleasantand loving and remind the BP NP of when you’ll be back and then be sure togo 7 96 0
Just as parents of toddlers do you can help the BP NP adjust to yourabsences by having predictable leavings and returning usually short times atfirst and then slowly extending them. You might also leave a “transitionalobject” with the BP NP to remind him or her of your love. 7
- Being firm means that you stick to what you have decided to do differently even if by the time you get out of the house to do it you don’t really have theinterest or energy anymore. Wearing you down is one way the BP NP discouragesyou from doing what you want. The BP NP can throw chores ortasks or various restrictions as well as tantrums hysteria and offers of sex atyou to get you to change your mind. The minute you give up however youhave to start from the beginning to reset the boundary. 6
- 4. IGNORE PROVOCATIVE BEHAVIOR FROM THE BP NP 7 519 0
- But beware that it can be very damaging to your own well-being to sitthere and take it all in so practice all of the skills for increasing your selfconfidenceand nurturing yourself so that you can be strong enough to resistemotionally absorbing the BP NP’s threatening and angry remarks. 8 43 0
Probablythe best way to ignore the overly dramatic and hostile behaviors of the BP NP is to exit and not be there at all. It works best to not make a production ofleaving by shouting or throwing your own bad comments out. Instead usethe distracting and disappearing techniques that we discussed earlier. Suddenly“remember” that you have something to pick up at the store that youneed to take a nap or that you need to mow the lawn. These actions conveythe message that you won’t participate and they change the situation withoutcreating more escalation 8 43 0
Although you may find it very hard to disappoint or upset the BP NP keep inmind that the rules of positive reinforcement apply to every interaction withthe BP NP. The more you give in the more BP NPs escalate their behaviorbecause you are rewarding them for acting badly. 7 519 0
Paying any sort of attentionto their emotionally provocative behavior is encouraging to them. Even your“punishment” is rewarding such as demanding that the BP NP stop what heor she is doing shouting threatening or getting upset yourself. These are allways that the BP NP knows that he or she has your attention and is incontrol. Ignoring the sarcastic angry or belittling remarks of the BP NP orhis or her emotional acting out is important to reducing that behavior in theBP NP 7 519 0
- But beware that it can be very damaging to your own well-being to sitthere and take it all in so practice all of the skills for increasing your selfconfidenceand nurturing yourself so that you can be strong enough to resistemotionally absorbing the BP NP’s threatening and angry remarks. 8 43 0
- 5. BE CALM AND FRIENDLY AND QUIT DISCUSSING THE BP NP’SREACTIONS 8
- Do not discuss any uproar situation afterward. As a Caretaker you may be abig supporter of the idea that you should talk out situations to make thembetter. This does not work with the BP NP. BP NPs are often very willing totalk about things and may bring up discussions themselves. But ask yourselfwhether you ever successfully talked things through with the BP NP and hadanything really change. 8
Usually these talks justescalate into another emotional uproar. It is another way for the BP NP tohang on to your attention in a negative way and it pulls you into being thepersecutor complaining and demanding but with nobody feeling or actingany better 8
So avoid trying to discuss past present or future situations. Rememberthat the BP NP really relates only to action in the present moment and if thepresent moment is going well keep it that way. However if the presentmoment is not going well decide what you need to do and just do it. Emotionaldiscussions don’t solve things with the BP NP. When the BP NP wantsto discuss a situation simply smile be calm and in a friendly voice just say “I’m busy right now” or “Now is not a really good time.” The only time forserious conflict discussions with a BP NP is with a trained intermediary suchas a therapist mediator or judge. 8
don’t trick yourself into forgetting the situation. This samesituation is sure to happen again and again so spend some of your alonetime thinking over what you feel and what you plan to do the next time ithappens and even brainstorm ideas about how to eliminate the situation ifpossible. 8 572 0
- Do not discuss any uproar situation afterward. As a Caretaker you may be abig supporter of the idea that you should talk out situations to make thembetter. This does not work with the BP NP. BP NPs are often very willing totalk about things and may bring up discussions themselves. But ask yourselfwhether you ever successfully talked things through with the BP NP and hadanything really change. 8
- 6. HAVE A PLAN BEFORE YOU DISCUSS 9 96 0
- Think things over before engaging the BP NP. Take time out to think beforenegotiating anything with the BP NP. If the BP NP comes to you to initiate adiscussion a decision or anything that takes a calm thoughtful responsefrom you be sure that you are completely ready. Taking time to think aboutthings before engaging with the BP NP will nearly always be to your advantage.The BP NP will most likely be very adamant about solving things now but don’t get tricked into responding until you are ready and have your ownplan. 9 96 0
When the BP NP initiates a “discussion ” you can predict that he or she isalready in an emotionally negative space. Obviously this means that it wouldnot be a good time to discuss things. Instead of discussing the issue rightthen say to the BP NP “Obviously what you are bringing up is important and I need to give it some serious consideration. I’m going to really thinkabout this. Let’s sit down to talk about it tomorrow night.” Then walk awayand become unavailable. 9 255 0
Pick a later time when both you and the BP NP can be in a calm state ofmind. Then wait for the BP NP to bring up the subject again. By creatingsome time to think through what you feel and want you will be prepared fora calm discussion and you can have a plan of action prepared. But don’t besurprised if the BP NP never brings up the discussion again. Just by puttingthe discussion off until later many times the BP NP will forget what was soimportant and it will just work itself out by the actions you take 9 255 0
- Think things over before engaging the BP NP. Take time out to think beforenegotiating anything with the BP NP. If the BP NP comes to you to initiate adiscussion a decision or anything that takes a calm thoughtful responsefrom you be sure that you are completely ready. Taking time to think aboutthings before engaging with the BP NP will nearly always be to your advantage.The BP NP will most likely be very adamant about solving things now but don’t get tricked into responding until you are ready and have your ownplan. 9 96 0
- USE REPETITION 9 255 0
- When the BP NP becomes persistent and demanding one of the best ways tostop an argument is to make statements of what you want or don’t want overand over again and then as soon as possible exit the interaction 9 519 0
The more you state over and over what you want or what you are going to do the better you will be able to avoid getting into discussions and argumentswith the BP NP about things that aren’t going to be solved by talking anyway.This repetition also helps the BP NP get familiar with the idea that youare not going to engage in chaos uproar and drama 9 678 0
- When the BP NP becomes persistent and demanding one of the best ways tostop an argument is to make statements of what you want or don’t want overand over again and then as soon as possible exit the interaction 9 519 0
- 1. SET BOUNDARIES AND LIMITS 3
- Chapter-17 Leaving or Staying
- When you realize what it takes on your part to live with a BP NP you mayfeel exhausted or overwhelmed. The BP NP is rarely able to make changes inhis or her thinking feelings and actions so you will be the one making thechanges taking up the slack and in many ways acting as a live-in therapist.The BP NP will continue being who he or she is and you will need tocontinue making adjustment to deal with his or her actions 1
Questions To Answer 1
- Will you be able to stay out of the Caretaker role? 1
Will you be able to livea life that is happy and fulfilling for you? 1
There are many issues involved inwhether you decide to leave the relationship or whether you decide to staynow that you know the reality of your situation. Deciding how much contactto have can bring up some powerful issues about loyalty self-respect obligations connections and losses. 1
Is thisa short-term or a long-term relationship? 1
Are you related to the BP NP (e.g. parent child or sibling)? 1
Do you have children together? 1
What are theirages and how does the BP NP’s behavior affect them? 1
How much enjoymentdoes this relationship bring you compared to the bad periods? 1
What doyour finances look like with and without the BP NP? 1
How much separationcan you live with? 1
Are there other issues to consider such as drug oralcohol addiction; physical emotional or sexual abuse; and whether the BP NP has other psychological or physical illnesses? 1
How much time doyou spend dealing with these symptoms? 1
How disruptive are they? 1 624 0
How enjoyable is the relationship when the symptoms are not present? 1 783 0
1. NARCISSISTIC RELATIONSHIPS 2
- Staying with the Narcissist 2
- Many NPs are charming funny creative energetic and financially successful.They need a lot of attention and adoration but that may be just fine withyou especially if you find that you enjoy giving that kind of attention 2
If youcan maintain power over your own life and choices and if the NP is not toodomineering demanding or controlling you may be satisfied with your life 2
Respectful behavior between you and the NP can help the relationship functionin a healthy way for the whole family. If you can accept that the NP isprone to overworking; seeks a lot of attention from others; focuses almostentirely on only his or her needs wants and feelings; and must to be incontrol of the money then you may be able to figure out a viable relationshiparrangement. 2
- Many NPs are charming funny creative energetic and financially successful.They need a lot of attention and adoration but that may be just fine withyou especially if you find that you enjoy giving that kind of attention 2
- Leaving the Narcissist 3 624 0
- Here is where the intensity of the NP symptoms and their frequency canmake a big difference. When the NP has such strong symptoms that he or she cannot and will not consider your feelings rights and needs you will morelikely think that you have little to gain from continuing in the relationship. 3 782 0
Ifthe NP is a bully rude or rejecting or just cannot fathom how you could bedifferent from him or her in any way then it may not be worth your selfesteemto stay. I would recommend finding a way to leave if the NP isemotionally or physically abusive. The impact of abuse on you and yourchildren can have a life-long impact. However only you can determine whatis best for you. 4
Every case is different. When living with an NP begins to suffocate you orharm your children when the NP is so controlling that any separate thoughtor behavior in you sets off a tirade or when you feel put down fearful or cutoff from your family friends or the outside world leaving may be the onlyway to have a calm emotionally secure life of your own 4
- Here is where the intensity of the NP symptoms and their frequency canmake a big difference. When the NP has such strong symptoms that he or she cannot and will not consider your feelings rights and needs you will morelikely think that you have little to gain from continuing in the relationship. 3 782 0
2. BORDERLINE RELATIONSHIPS 5 0
- Staying with the Borderline 5 0
- Even under the best circumstances the BP is very hard to live with. The BP’sthoughts feelings delusions and emotions and even his or her commitmentto the relationship can shift so radically and so often that it keeps everyoneon edge. 5
The BP may have rages jealousies inconsistencies and demandsthat can be impossibly difficult to deal with. It is also extremely difficult not to fall into the Caretaker role with the BP even when you are aware of thepattern and trying very hard to avoid caretaking. 5 782 0
If you stay with the BP you will need to develop your own social lifewith your own friends in the community and at work without the BP. BPsaren’t comfortable in many social situations and typically prefer being athome or at very structured events where he or she knows everyone and is notexpected to interact such as going to a play or musical event 6
If you decide you want to stay with the BP in your life do so with the fullknowledge of what you are choosing to do. It does not seem loving orconsiderate to stay with the BP in order to change him or her because youpromised or for the sake of the children. 6
These are all really reasons thathelp you avoid feeling guilty. They are Caretaker reasons. Think throughyour reasons carefully because if you really are avoiding your own feelings of guilt and subconsciously hate and blame the BP for making your lifemiserable you are dooming everyone in the family to misery with yourdecision to stay. 5 – 8 -3516 0.125
- Even under the best circumstances the BP is very hard to live with. The BP’sthoughts feelings delusions and emotions and even his or her commitmentto the relationship can shift so radically and so often that it keeps everyoneon edge. 5
- Leaving the Borderline 7 254 93
- Because being in a relationship with a BP means being totally devoted totheir care and needs it is common for people to choose to leave the BP. Theups and downs of the BP’s emotions as well as his or her tendency to blameloved ones for causing most of his or her pain is exhausting and it is extremelydifficult to keep your sanity and any sense of good feelings aroundthe BP. BPs are often described as a “black hole” sucking up all the energyaround them and rarely giving any of that energy back. 7 254 93
Despite knowing these emotional events will take place over and overagain you may still find it very hard to leave the BP. You may find it hard toquit feeling guilt or confusion around the BP. The BP hates you when you’rethere and loves you when you’re gone. 7 359 93
Hoping that the BP will eventually be able to change leads only to greaterand greater disappointment and frustration. I have often heard “If only shecould act this nice all the time” or “I know he is a really good person on theinside.” Disappointment comes from your inability to keep all the conflictingparts of the BP in mind all of the time. Because you know that the BP is notvery capable of caring for him- or herself you may feel a great deal of guiltfor leaving. Much of that guilt comes from your old Caretaker belief that it isyour lifelong job to take care of the BP. 7 93
When you entered the relationship originally you had the expectation thatboth of you were equally mentally and emotionally mature enough to takecare of each other. When you confronted the fact that your partner hadborderline personality disorder and became the Caretaker you were trying tosalvage the relationship. Now the question is whether you want to continuelifelong care for a mentally ill person. 7 689 -4 0. 5 2
- Because being in a relationship with a BP means being totally devoted totheir care and needs it is common for people to choose to leave the BP. Theups and downs of the BP’s emotions as well as his or her tendency to blameloved ones for causing most of his or her pain is exhausting and it is extremelydifficult to keep your sanity and any sense of good feelings aroundthe BP. BPs are often described as a “black hole” sucking up all the energyaround them and rarely giving any of that energy back. 7 254 93
3. CHOOSING SEPARATION 8 149 -4 0. 5 2
- Many Caretakers think that a separation will be a good way to ease out of therelationship with the BP NP or to work on it from a distance. But check inwith yourself to see if you may secretly be holding onto the hope that theseparation might finally cause a change in the BP NP. Separating as a meansto force a change in the BP NP is a Caretaker behavior and doomed tofailure. As mentioned earlier BP NPs do not deal well with fuzzy boundaries.They see everything in black and white and they need very clear boundariesto function well 8 347 -4 0. 5 2
Separation creates a fuzzy gray area that can be interpreted many differentways. So separation really is a situation where the BP NP will be highlyanxious because of the uncertainty of the relationship. For their own sense ofsecurity the narcissist will generally choose to see a separation either asabandonment or as still being married. Borderlines of course tend to feelabandoned but still feel emotionally dependent 8 -4 0. 5 2
In addition you can’t do positive work on a relationship with a mentallyill person without a clear commitment. Clearly severing the relationshipmakes the situation easier on everyone. The BP NP needs a clear “yes” or“no ” not a “maybe.” If you feel strongly enough that the relationship is notworking and you want to live apart then you need to face that fact and makea decision not put it off indefinitely by calling it a separation 8 -4 0. 5 2
If you do end up deciding on a state of separation set up clear rules andboundaries. Where will each of you live? Who will be paying for the rent bills groceries and so on? If you have children where will they be and when will they be there? Will you have keys to each other’s homes? Whatrules will you have about being in each other’s space? You will actually haveto make all the decisions you would need to make if you got a legal divorcein order to make a separation work. 9 0 -4 0. 5 2
4. LIMITED CONTACT VERSUS NO CONTACT 9 72 -4 0. 5 2
- If you decide to end the relationship with the BP NP it is likely that the BP NP will continue to initiate contact with you. If you have children together itmay be necessary for you to have some kind of contact with the BP NP. Itwill be important for you to think through the frequency and kind of contactthat will be comfortable and healthy for you. 9 -4 0. 5 2
Limited Contact 9 -4 0. 5 2
- If you feel that you want or need to have at least some contact with the BP NP decide how much and when you want that contact based on your abilityto interact with him or her in a civil positive way. There are probablysituations that you already know work better than others. It is important foryou to take responsibility for making arrangements that work for you 9 -4 0. 5 2
You definitely want to avoid any hysterics and hostility. There needs tobe a good reason and purpose for having contact usually due to legal interactionsor child care arrangements. The BP NP’s preferred pattern is to alwaysmake you the Caretaker so watch out about getting into situations where youare accommodating the BP NP’s needs but not your own 9 -4 0. 5 2
Solutions for limited contact could include arrangements such as the following: 9 -4 0. 5 2
E-mail rather than face-to-face or phone contact 9 -4 0. 5 2
Online calendar sharing for child visitation 9 -4 0. 5 2
Drop-offs and pickups of children without entering each other’s home 9 -4 0. 5 2
Meeting in public places 9 -4 0. 5 2
Taking a friend along when you meet with the BP NP 9 -4 0. 5 2
Interacting only as long as both of you can be cordial 9 -4 0. 5 2
Leaving immediately if the BP NP acts inappropriately 9 -4 0. 5 2
Not responding to texts or e-mails that are provocative 9 -4 0. 5 2
Limiting your conversation to essential information preferably written 9 -4 0. 5 2
Using a third party to communicate 9 -4 0. 5 2
Getting all agreements in writing and sticking to them 9 -4 0. 5 2
Avoid participating in any crazy behavior. If you’re on the phone with theBP NP and he or she starts on a tirade simply state “If you are going tocontinue talking like that I will hang up.” Then do it. If you are in a face-to face interaction make the same statement and then leave if necessary. Do notengage in any discussion reasoning defending and so on. It never works. 0 – -4 0. 5 2
No Contact 0 -4 -4 0. 5 2
- If the BP NP continues to perpetrate harm and hostility in the present theneliminating direct contact may be the best option. A BP NP who continues toblame you while justifying his or her own bad actions or who continues tocreate havoc and chaos in your life may never be emotionally safe. One ofthe hardest decisions that you may find you need to make is to severely limitor end contact with a harmful BP NP 0 -4 -4 0. 5 2
Having no contact with the BP NP may not end the pain sadness andanger that have resulted from that relationship but it can be helpful in avoidingfurther negative interactions. Cutting off from the BP NP is most beneficialwhen there is current ongoing harm being done by the BP NP or whenjust seeing or talking to him or her creates an intense emotional pain in you.Sometimes the effect of time and your own healing can make interactionsmore possible in the future. Unfortunately in some situations never seeingthe BP NP again is the only sane option. 0 -4 -4 0. 5 2
If you decide on no contact really follow through. No contact includesthe following: 0 194 -4 0. 5 2
Not replying to e-mails texts or phone calls 0 194 -4 0. 5 2
Not sending cards letters or gifts 0 194 -4 0. 5 2
Using a third party (lawyer accountant or parenting coordinator) only toexchange necessary information 0 194 -4 0. 5 2
Not driving by or arranging to accidentally run into the BP NP 0 194 -4 0. 5 2
Not following the BP NP through social media 0 194 -4 0. 5 2
Also keep your thoughts and actions aimed at making your own life happierand more enjoyable and stop spending time thinking wondering or worryingabout the BP NP 0 -4 0. 5 2
- If you feel that you want or need to have at least some contact with the BP NP decide how much and when you want that contact based on your abilityto interact with him or her in a civil positive way. There are probablysituations that you already know work better than others. It is important foryou to take responsibility for making arrangements that work for you 9 -4 0. 5 2
5. TRYING TO BE FRIENDS AFTER LEAVING 0 -4 0. 5 2
- Being friends after leaving is seen by some as being mature and the rightthing to do. However the BP NP is not emotionally mature. That immaturityis what tugs at your nurturing caretaking instincts. If you have left therelationship the BP NP will probably see you as disloyal mean traitorous unfaithful and abandoning. To offer to be friends at that point is insultingand feels like trickery to the BP NP. It can also create fuzzy boundaries thatcan be misinterpreted. Basically friendship with the BP NP after the relaLeavingor Staying 1 tionship ends is not likely and again must be entirely on the BP NP’s terms so think through what you really want and be cautious 0 726 -4 0. 5 2
- Will you be able to stay out of the Caretaker role? 1
- When you realize what it takes on your part to live with a BP NP you mayfeel exhausted or overwhelmed. The BP NP is rarely able to make changes inhis or her thinking feelings and actions so you will be the one making thechanges taking up the slack and in many ways acting as a live-in therapist.The BP NP will continue being who he or she is and you will need tocontinue making adjustment to deal with his or her actions 1
- III: Rebuilding
- Chapter-18 Moving Forward in a Healthy Way
- Whether you have a family member who is BP NP or have had one or morerelationships with BP NPs you do not have to be defined by those relationships 5
You have the power to make your interactions with the BP NP morefunctional and productive by changing what you do how you think and whatyou believe about yourself and the BP NP 5
These changes can make your lifemuch more enjoyable happier and healthier. By pulling yourself and yourinteractions out of the Drama Triangle and moving into the Caring Triangle you are also setting an example for others around you to improve theirinteractions with the BP NP. 5
You can stop giving your life energy away withno discernible results and instead make good use of that energy in your lifeand the lives of people around you. 5
1. THE CARING TRIANGLE 5 519 0
- Instead of being a victim 5 519 0
- you embrace acceptanceand self-responsibility 5 519 0
- Instead of persecuting 5 519 0
- you become assertive and takeaction by doing 5 519 0
By being assertive and doing you take action without persecuting. 6
Youdecide what you want and need clearly state your goals and desires and thentake action to make those things happen in your life while still consideringthe feelings and needs of others. 6
You don’t ignore or invalidate anyone else’swants and needs but you don’t feel obligated to take care of those wants andneeds for anyone else. 6
By choosing with whom and how you want to becaring of others you let go of being a rescuer and put your energies andefforts to good use in a way that you feel good about 6
mostimportant you accept the facts of the mental illness of the BP NP and acceptself-responsibility for dealing with the BP NP in the ways that you findhealthy and rewarding rather than feeling resentful and manipulated. 6
- you become assertive and takeaction by doing 5 519 0
- Instead of being a rescuer 5 519 0
- you start making choices aboutyour caring 5 519 0
2. DEALING WITH FEAR OBLIGATION AND GUILT RELAPSES 7
- FOG-Fear Obligation Guilt 7
- As you become healthier keep on the lookout for the feelings of fear obligation and guilt to pop up when you are interacting with the BP NP and don’tbe surprised if you get caught by one or more of them occasionally even afteryou feel you are well out of the Caretaker role 7
Fear obligation and guilt willcontinue to be the BP NP’s favorite tools for pulling you back into the DramaTriangle. 7
Whenever you begin to have one of these feelings check out consciouslywhat is happening around you step back assess what triggered thefeeling and then take action to move out of that feeling before you findyourself pulled back into the drama 7
Stop your interaction with the BP NP ifyou can until you get back on solid emotional footing 7
Relapses are normal and the less upset you get at yourself about them the faster you can leave them behind. Go back to the positive self-talk techniquesthat helped you before and be sure that you don’t go into self-blamingand negative self-criticism. 7
- As you become healthier keep on the lookout for the feelings of fear obligation and guilt to pop up when you are interacting with the BP NP and don’tbe surprised if you get caught by one or more of them occasionally even afteryou feel you are well out of the Caretaker role 7
3. FEELING STRANGE IN A STRANGE LAND 7
- It’s not easy changing these patterns. Leaving the Caretaker role is a significantchange in how you think and act and maybe how you feel. 7 519 0
The way youfeel about yourself others and even the whole of human interactions mightbe different. This takes some getting used to. And for awhile it may take agood deal of vigilance. Old ways of doing things can feel so natural and canbe done without thinking while the new ways take attention and determination.Eventually however these new ways will become second nature toyou. In the meantime you may find that it is easier being yourself aroundpeople you have just met than with family members or old friends who canpull you into the old Caretaker patterns 7 519 0
As you recover from the Caretaker role you may occasionally need totake time to retreat into your old feelings and compare them with the newfeelings 8
Or you might be afraid that you could be hooked back into the oldfeelings and want to avoid anything that could take you back 8
Other times you may find yourself feeling off kilter emotionally mentally or even physically. 8
You may find yourself wondering if you are “normal” in your responsesor reactions to situations or people. Am I feeling too much or too little? Aremy responses too friendly or too distant? Should I say something? Whatshould I say? Having lived in a world where everything you said and did wascriticized or judged as wrong by the BP NP you may find yourself feelingunsure what to say and do or even how to feel without that constant negativereflection. But that was more like the reflection from a circus fun housemirror distorted and extreme 8
What you really need now is your own inner awareness of who you areand what you want and need. Trust your own intuition in assessing situationsand think about how you would want others to respond to you and do thesame for them. In truth most Caretakers have extremely good intuition. Youhave had to read the erratic ups and downs of the BP NP for years so it islikely that you can easily tune in to the interpersonal nuances in relationships 8
“doing the wrongthing ” 8
- What tends to hold Caretakers in limbo is the fear of “doing the wrongthing ” which really translates into doing something the NP BP didn’t like.Without the BP NP there to criticize you learn to trust your own reading ofsocial situations and see how that works. It usually works very well. Thismeans taking a chance on your own abilities to be normal. It can be a bitscary but taking that chance and being successful can be very empowering. 8
4. KEEPING YOUR BOUNDARIES PROTECTED LONG TERM 8
- As you get healthier and choose to live a happier calmer and less dramaorientedlife the BP NP in your life will not be impressed 8
At first the BP NP will try to reengage you by attacking or belittling you making hurtfulcomments observations or judgments. 8 783 0
When you do not reengage with theBP NP in the old way of defending yourself he or she will typically be at aloss as to how to interact with you. 9
If you quit playing the BP NP Caretaker game the BP NP is likely toincrease his or her negative challenges for awhile. Eventually if you continueto avoid responding to these provocations and instead avoid or takecontrol of the interactions with the BP NP things will calm down. If youhave cut off contact with the BP NP you may also see an increase in the BP NP’s trying to engage you usually in a very negative way. The BP NP can bevery persistent so you have to be just as persistent in continuing your newbehaviors 9
If you are still in relationship with the BP NP there may be less for youand the BP NP to talk about or find to do together when you don’t play by therules of the game. Doing activities together that don’t require verbal interactionoften work the best 9
example 9
- For example going to the mall going to a movie watching television hiking bike riding or attending a sports event usuallywork pretty well. Avoid long rides in a car sitting around the house together discussions about anything involving opinions or beliefs or trying to workon a project together. These probably will not turn out well. 9
continually remind yourself 9
- You may need to continually remind yourself that the BP NP has little orno interest in what you think what you are doing what you want 9
no emotional connection 9
- You will now be in a more cordial relationship with the BP NP but it haslimited content and pretty much no emotional connection 9
You may findyourself yearning for the few early days weeks or months of your relationshipwith the BP NP when things were fun with the BP NP and maybe evenfabulous. 9
steadfast withyour boundaries 9 519 0
- The important thing to remember is that you need to stay steadfast withyour boundaries keep your interactions with the BP NP short and positive and keep your own counsel about your choices of how you interact with theBP NP. 9 519 0
The BP NP may attack you or he or she may try to lure you backinto the old relationship by being especially nice. Remember that the BP NPwants you when you’re gone but doesn’t want you when you are there andwhen you no longer fulfill any of his or her needs you simply may cease toexist in his or her awareness. 9 519 0
wants you when you’re gone 9 519 0
- Remember that the BP NPwants you when you’re gone but doesn’t want you when you are there andwhen you no longer fulfill any of his or her needs you simply may cease toexist in his or her awareness. 9 519 0
5. WHEN THE BP NP IS A FAMILY MEMBER 0 96 0
- Example: Nicholas had put a lot of energy and care into getting over being a Caretaker tohis NP father. He reported that when his father was in the hospital at the end ofhis life and the family was gathered around his father introduced everyone inthe family including Nicholas’s two daughters to the attending physician butomitted Nick. Nick was hurt at being omitted but he also saw that as confirmationthat his father no longer saw him as an extension of himself 0
Being ignored or ceasing to exist to a BP NP often isn’t pleasant but it doesindicate that you are no longer their Caretaker. Keep in mind that you as theunique individual who you are may never have really existed for the BP NPanyway. The BP NP knows you are alive but your individual feelings values interests and ways of looking at the world have never existed in the BP NP’s conscious awareness. 0
6. DECIDING TO LIVE YOUR OWN LIFE 1 625 0
- The most common complaints that ex-Caretakers hear from the BP NP arethat you are being selfish ungrateful and wrong. Deciding to live your ownlife will probably be considered a betrayal to the BP NP. To the BP NP theonly choice is always the choice that he or she makes. 1 678 27
If you get only one life to live why would you choose to live someoneelse’s dream rather than your own? Your life is yours and it is the only oneyou will get so living your own dream and your own life in your own wayseems to be the most logical and sensible choice to make. This does not meanyou have to be uncaring or rejecting of anyone else’s life choices. It is notselfish to choose a good life for yourself. It is not ungrateful to have differentthoughts needs wants or feelings from the BP NP. You are not being disloyalby choosing differently. These accusations are the BP NP’s way oftrying to control you to make him- or herself feel safer or more secure. Youhave the right and the responsibility to choose what and how much you dofor others and it is important to think long and hard before giving up on yourown well-being for the transitory feelings of someone else. 2 43 27
7. CREATING 2 43 27
- Living your own life choosing for yourself and being responsible for yourselfinstead of being focused on blaming the BP NP allows you to bring intoyour life more of what you want. You are freer to think in new ways try outnew relationships and observe accurately the results of what you actually doin your interactions with other healthy people 2 360 27
Many ex-Caretakers create anew sense of family that includes friends healthy relatives mentors counselors and other wise people. Find people to be close to who can help youcreate a healthy life for yourself and your loved ones. 2 360 27
BP NP-dominated families tend to pass on beliefs such as 2 413 27
- only bloodrelatives can be trusted 2 413 27
everybody in the family always agrees 2 413 27
never shareanything personal with “outsiders ” 2 413 27
don’t ask anyone for anything 2 413 27
don’texpect outsiders to be nice to you. 2 413 27
It is a very fear-based worldview and it isdesigned to be isolating protected and controlled by the BP NP 2 413 27
But there are many ways to create a close caring relationship network.Think about your own deeply held values and beliefs. Create the image of alife that you think you would like and give it a try. Find others who practicemore positive ways of communicating be with those people more and learnfrom them. Join in ask share and create your own dream 2 4 27
- only bloodrelatives can be trusted 2 413 27
8. DOING WHAT YOU WANT WITH YOUR LIFE 2 4 27
- From now on it is all up to you to decide how you think believe feel andact. As an ex-Caretaker you know that it is your responsibility to do whatyou want with your life 2 730 27
Making your own decisionsabout your life is what brings you peace and comfort and reduces the anxietyyou used to feel. Owning your own life leads you to loving relationships asatisfying career solid friendships and a sense of well-being within yourself.Keep moving to your own rhythm and in your own direction toward the lifeyou want and you will succeed. 3 -10 27
- Instead of being a victim 5 519 0
- Whether you have a family member who is BP NP or have had one or morerelationships with BP NPs you do not have to be defined by those relationships 5
- INTRODUCTION: HOW DOES IT LOOK TO NOTBE A CARETAKER?
- The new you is actually thereal you. When you aren’t caretaking another person’s life you are free to bewho you really are to reach out toward your potential and to make a genuinecontribution to your own life and to the lives of others. 4 7 102
- Chapter-20 The New You
- How do you see yourself without the Caretaker role? 3
- Do you have a clearpicture? 3
- Are there some new behaviors that I have outlined that you finddifficult to imagine? 3
- What old behaviors are a relief to let go? 3
- list of the behaviors and feelings that you release and let go of 3
- Let Go Of: 3
- Victimization 3
- Pleasing the BP NP 3
- Trying to fix the BP NP 3
- Total responsibility 3
- Rigid rules 3
- Fear obligation and guilt 3
- Chronic self-sufficiency 3
- Anger 3
- Tension and anxiety 3
- Powerlessness 3
- Focus on BP NP 3
- Hopelessness 3
- Helplessness 3
- Gain: 3
- Self-responsibility 3 519 0
- Pleasing yourself 3 519 0
- Creating a life for yourself 3 519 0
- Self-responsibility 3 519 0
- Making healthy changes 3 519 0
- Assertion skills 3 519 0
- Reaching out to others 3 519 0
- Understanding 3 519 0
- Relaxed and clear 3 519 0
- Power over your own life 3 519 0
- Focus on your own life 3 519 0
- Self-direction and life plan 3 519 0
- Problem-solving skills 3 519 0
- 1. BREAKING FREE OF YOUR CARETAKER IDENTITY 4
- 2. STEPS IN OVERCOMING THE CARETAKER ROLE 4
- Increase Your Self-Esteem 4 624 0
- Take Care of Your Own Needs Yourself 5
- Become Financially Independent 5 0
- Develop a Support Network 6 42 0
- Stop Playing the BP NP Games 6 254 0
- Quit Trying to Change the BP NP and Change Yourself 6 0
- Define and Create Your Own Life 6 624 0
- 3. BECOMING CONGRUENT INSIDE AND OUT 7 42 0
- 4. OPEN THE DOOR TO YOUR NEW LIFE 7
- Chapter Reaching Out to Others
- To let go of the Caretaker role you will need to reach out to others forfriendship caring and support 5
1. FINDING FRIENDS 5
- As a Caretaker you may have had very few close friends. Friends expect areciprocal fairly balanced interaction which is different than you have beenhaving with the BP NP. Friends also expect you to follow through with theplans you make with them. After having to cancel numerous times to takecare of an emotional meltdown by the BP NP friends tend to fall away andfind people who are more available and reliable 5 519 0
When you take steps to let go of the Caretaker role friends are a veryimportant part of your support system. They can be a sounding board giveyou perspective and help you figure out who you are and what you like todo. 5 519 0
Look around and notice the people around you such as those in a class in a discussion group at the grocery store at the gym and so on. Identifywhat you like about the people you observe. How are people like you? Howare they different? What do you think you might enjoy doing with otherpeople? What are the qualities you want in a friend? 5 519 0
Reach out to people who feel safe and comfortable to you. Try out a fewsimple activities such as going for coffee or taking a walk. If you like theinteraction think of other things that you might be willing to do 5 519 0
In friendship you are looking for give-and-take back-and-forth. You donot want to get pulled into a Caretaker role with another BP NP 6 43 0
Some thingsto consider in the early stages of a friendship 6 43 0
- Picking people with the qualities you value 6
Identifying the good qualities and the shortcomings of the person 6
Being aware of how much you each talk and share about yourselves 6
Observing how the two of you decide what to do and where to go 6
Observing whether this person has good boundaries without being toodistant 6
Ask the other person to do something that is inconvenient 6
Reschedule a get together 6
Identify something that you find uncomfortable about this new friend andlet him or her know 6
Don’t try to be perfect don’t be all-giving don’t just listen and don’t be tooaccepting. 6
be as truly and honestly you as you can be 6
Try sharingsome personal information ask for help to do something share everydayexperiences and keep your eyes and ears open for the qualities you want in afriend. 6
Picking a friend is a very personal and self-fulfilling experience 6
Each “friend” does not have to be your best friend forever. You may findone person you like to have lunch with another for hiking and another forsupporting you as a parent 6
Take the good interactions and increase them andavoid the interactions that aren’t as appealing. Build a variety of friendshipsat different levels. Some friends will be more emotionally close; others maynot be. Some you may want to see a lot and others not as much. Spend timefocused on positives enjoy each other’s competencies and avoid usingfriendships for complaint sessions. 6
- Picking people with the qualities you value 6
2. BUILDING RECIPROCITY 6
- A real friendship is based on each person giving the other approximately thesame amount of energy as each receives 6 625 0
Whether this energy is in the formof attention invitations gifts advice help or understanding does not matter.This is called reciprocity and is the opposite of caretaking 6 625 0
The exact form of giving and receiving doesn’t really matter; rather it isthe energy that is exchanged. Notice how often each of you calls the other who suggests the most activities whether one person is paying for morethings who gives the most advice and help who cancels the most and so on.Work at keeping a balance by taking one step toward the other and waitingfor the other person to take one step toward you. Especially watch theamount of energy each of you is giving. Does one person feel more needy ofthe other does one person seem stronger are either of you angry or hurtwhen the other doesn’t call for awhile or does either of you feel the relationshipis “unfair” in any way? 7 43 0
If you feel the relationship is out of balance don’t demand that the lessgiving person give more. Notice the level of the energy exchanged and trymatching the other person by giving more or giving less. See how that feels.Demanding that the other person give more or less or being hurt that therelationship is out of balance are old Caretaker feelings and behaviors 7 96 0
3. HEALTHY PEOPLE CAN BE HONEST 7
- Healthy relationships also include the ability to be honest and straightforwardwith each other. You can each ask for what you want and you can eachaccept “no” as well as “yes” to simple requests without hostility or hurtfeelings. Friends give each other reasons for their actions requests andresponses. They “seek first to understand” the other. Defensiveness should bemore of a rare response than the norm. When you have taken enough time toget to know someone you should have built a level of trust and mutualacceptance that allows you to withhold judgment until you know the wholestory. The two of you can problem solve together so that a mutually positivesolution can be found. A good friendship also can become the model andprovide the skills for a good love relationship. 7
4. HEALTHY FRIENDSHIP SKILLS 7
- Having a healthy friendship includes the ability to share your thoughts andfeelings to describe your emotional processes to not take what the otherperson says and does personally and to trust that your friend will support andcare about you even if he or she disagrees with you. Being a good friendtakes a lot of sharing and caring back and forth 7
When you find friends who give back to you it can be very tempting toturn the tables and become the person who just receives. 7
It can be heady and exciting and so fulfilling to be listened to responded to and cared about. 7 793 0
Butyour friendships will no longer be true friendships if they begin to serve asways to fill up your neediness left over from the past. If you notice a strongdesire on your part to get more support and understanding from your friendthan you are giving or more than the other person is comfortable with that isa good time to call a professional therapist. 8 105 0
A therapist can give you thatextra attention insight and support in a way that is healthy. Keep caretakingout of your interactions (no matter which way it is going) and this will allowyour budding friendship to mature and grow into a true sharing relationship 8 105 0
5. HEALTHY FRIENDSHIP BOUNDARIES 8 105 0
6. NOT ALL FRIENDSHIPS ARE FOREVER 8 528 0
- Caretakers tend to believe that once you are friends with someone youshould never let the friendship go. As you move from being a Caretaker tobeing a whole and healthy person you will inevitably find that some of yourformer relationships really don’t meet the standards of being real friendships.Many of these friendships were actually a one-way giving of your energy tofix help rescue or take care of someone; they were mutual complaint sessionsabout your relationships; or they just never were very fun but that’s allyou thought you deserved. 8 528 0
As you learn to recognize and be comfortable with reciprocity the wornout drained feeling you get from these old one-way relationships will becomeless and less attractive. However as you give less and expect to begiven to in a more equal way you may notice these “friends” disappearing.Let them go. If you have to demand that the other person give an equal shareof energy and attention then the relationship has no real potential for healthanyway 8 528 0
Letting nonreciprocal relationships go without attack rejection criticism or resentment is an art in itself. Keep in mind that you did a lot to maintainthe imbalance in these relationships by accepting and putting up with theimbalance by not asking for what you wanted and or by not leaving whenthe relationship didn’t give you what you wanted. It is also likely that whatyou wanted in the past such as being needed being overly helpful or beinghumble and undemanding just aren’t the things that you want in a friendshipnow. Be thankful for this former friend in teaching you to realize how anunbalanced relationship feels. Accept the lesson you have learned and let theperson go with your blessing. He or she doesn’t owe you anything since inthe long run you may have learned more about being a healthy person thanyou ever could have without him or her. 9 105 0
7. LEARNING TO HAVE FUN 9 0
- It really helps to have a friend or two (or more) with whom you can spendtime just having fun. Fun is a necessary component of having a good enjoyable and healthy life. Look around you to find people who know how tohave fun and who are also responsible. These people are good models andyou could try out some new fun things with them. Explore all kinds of funthings until you settle on the things that you really like. Classes clubs andgroups focused around a certain activity can be a good way to start. Bysharing an activity with a group you will automatically make new friendswho like to do the activity you are sharing 9 0
Having friends who you have fun with will keep you motivated to let theCaretaker role go. You are more likely to follow through with a fun event ifothers are counting on you to be there. You could even make a weekly datewith yourself to go out and do things you enjoy. Getting to know how youlike to have fun is an essential part of knowing yourself having an enjoyablelife and creating a life that is worth living. 9 475 0
8. OTHER WAYS OF REACHING OUT 9 475 0
- ways to join life 9 687 0
- For Self-Esteem 0 -1 0
- Get a professional portrait done 0 52 0
Get a haircut manicure or pedicure 0 52 0
Help people who really can appreciate your efforts such as volunteeringat a retirement home school or library 0 52 0
Get a job that you really feel good about 0 52 0
Make new friends and make time to be with them 0 52 0
Accomplish something that you have wanted to do such as publishing anarticle painting a room or washing your car 0 52 0
Notice each time you do an activity how much you enjoy it or not 0 52 0
Get rid of as many “have to and should” activities as possible 0 52 0
Dress up once in awhile. 0 52 0
- Get a professional portrait done 0 52 0
- For Having Fun 0 316 0
- Make a list of everything you have had fun doing in your lifetime and trysome of them again 0 316 0
Keep a journal of things you do each day and note how much fun eachthing was 0 316 0
Ask other people what they do for fun 0 316 0
Read the weekly activities listed in the newspaper and pick out one to try. 0 316 0
Try a new restaurant once a month 0 316 0
Go to an emotionally healing workshop every few months 0 316 0
Take a class for fun and enjoyment such as folk dancing Japanese culinary arts watercolor or photography 0 316 0
- Make a list of everything you have had fun doing in your lifetime and trysome of them again 0 316 0
- For Your Health 0 316 0
- Have a checkup once a year and actually go get the tests done 0 473 0
Do something delightful for exercise such as starting a garden taking ahike dancing getting a dog and walking it or learning to juggle 0 473 0
Eat really well by selecting foods that are tasty and beautiful 0 473 0
Take a deep relaxing bath instead of a fast shower 0 473 0
Read an inspiring book 0 473 0
Learn to notice how your body feels 0 473 0
Get really good sleep 0 473 0
Get a massage or try yoga 0 473 0
- Have a checkup once a year and actually go get the tests done 0 473 0
- Life Direction 0 473 0
- Everyday ask yourself “Am I living the life I choose?” 0 686 0
Look for happy surprises such as spring buds or an unexpected compliment 0 686 0
Notice how living your values enhances your life 1 4 0
Take time to explore your own thoughts and feelings. 1 4 0
Notice who and what you appreciate in your life. 1 4 0
When you identify a problem figure out how to solve it then followthrough 1 4 0
If something is missing in your life find a way to get it into your life even if it takes awhile 1 4 0
- Everyday ask yourself “Am I living the life I choose?” 0 686 0
- For Self-Esteem 0 -1 0
9. GETTING THERAPEUTIC SUPPORT 1 0
- Learning that you are not alone in your experiences with the BP NP 1 0
Feeling understood and supported by others who really “get” what beinga Caretaker is all about 1 0
Getting ideas on ways to communicate more effectively with the BP NP 1 0
Having a safe place to get to know yourself your likes and dislikes andyour feelings 1 0
Creating a new image of how you want to live your life. 1 0
Learning skills to deal with your own emotional thought and behavioraldistortions 1 0
Learning to recognize when you are being a Caretaker and stopping thebehaviors 1 0
Developing a more positive sense of self 1 0
Deciding on new relationship behaviors and getting support to followthrough 1 525 0
Taking steps for positive self-care 1 525 0
Receiving encouragement 1 525 0
- As a Caretaker you may have had very few close friends. Friends expect areciprocal fairly balanced interaction which is different than you have beenhaving with the BP NP. Friends also expect you to follow through with theplans you make with them. After having to cancel numerous times to takecare of an emotional meltdown by the BP NP friends tend to fall away andfind people who are more available and reliable 5 519 0
- To let go of the Caretaker role you will need to reach out to others forfriendship caring and support 5
- Compiled By:
- blindcaveman.wordpress.com
- Rigel Arcayan