Mindmap-Book Summary-LivingAndLovingLovingAfterBetrayal

April 23, 2017 Leave a comment

About Living and Loving After Betrayal
- Date Read: September 20, 2015
- Author: Steven Stosney
- ISBN: 978-1-60882-753-4
- 250 pages
- MyRating: 5 Stars
Part I: The Start of Healing and Empowerment
Chapter 1-Footprints on the Heart and Soul
- VALUE-BEHAVIOR EXERCISE
  - On a blank sheet of paper draw a vertical line separating it into twocolumns. In the first column list your values starting with “I am” (forexample “I am compassionate to loved ones”). Then in the secondcolumn list examples of how you will reinforce those values startingwith “I will” (for example “I will try to understand my loved ones’perspectives and try to find something in their motivations to sympathizewith especially when I disagree with them or I want them tochange their behavior”). List any number of values in the column onthe left (“I am fair ” “I am responsible ” “I am appreciative of lovedones ” and so on) and follow each with a corresponding action inthe column on the right
    Keep a Value-Behavior Log for the next two weeks listing howmany times you carry out the value-laden actions you described inyour second column. Each day write the heading “Today I actedon my deeper values by:” and then list the behaviors underneath.
  How It Hits You
  
  Intimate betrayal upends your life in one of two ways: by sudden revelationor by gradual realization
  
  With deceit embezzlement and infidelity you discover that yourpartner has lied manipulated stolen or cheated. You may haveguessed that something was amiss but no amount of suspicion couldmitigate the shock and hurt when struck by your partner’s confession;an eyewitness account; uncovered e-mails texts or phone messages;or other incontrovertible evidence. You became aware in an instantthat your life would never be the same
  
  partner’s badbehavior
  - chronically resentful
  - angry
  - critical
  - stonewalling
  - self-obsessed
  - strike forcefully
  The Floor of Security Crumbles 23
  - Whether it crashes upon you in revelation or seeps into consciousnessvia delayed realization intimate betrayal snatches the floor ofpersonal security from under you. 23
    initial aftermath of revelation and realization as a kind of free fall with no bottom in sight. Shock and disbelief are punctuated by wavesof cruel self-doubt: 23
    
    Was I attractive enough?
    
    Was I smart enough?
    
    Was I successful enough?
    
    Was I interesting enough?
    
    Was I present enough?
    
    Was I attentive enough?
    
    Was I caring enough?
    
    Was I patient enough?
    
    Was I sacrificing enough?
  5 Cycle that typically emerges in the aftermath of intimate betrayal
  - 1. You think of the betrayal and get angry
    2. The anger increases your energy confidence and sense of power.
    
    3. Then the amphetamine crash happens.
    
    4. The loss of energy and power create a void that is soon filled by self-doubt depressed mood or mere numbness.
    
    5. You think about the betrayal again and get angry again only tocrash once again into low energy self-doubt depressed mood orblank numbness.
  It won’t take many repetitions of this cycle beforeyour brain starts to think about the betrayal just so the anger willtemporarily empower you against the terrible feelings that come afterthe amphetamine crash. It’s not that you like thinking about it; it’sjust that thinking about it feels better than pain depression andnumbness—at least as long as the adrenaline and analgesic effects ofthe anger last which for most people isn’t very long.
  
  Few among us can tolerate a long roller-coaster ride of intenseanger depression intense anger depression and so on. We tend tocut off the peaks and valleys by staying a little resentful all the time.Low-grade resentment keeps us from getting very angry and verydepressed. It’s understandable and natural to use resentment to avoidthe anger-depression roller coaster that follows intimate betrayal. 2
  
  The Most Unfair Thing about Intimate Betrayal -29
  - Perceived loss of value 165
    Perceived loss of value is what causes your pain—you feel less lovable. 165
    
    Anger evolved to provide a sense of power in the face of threat. It’sthe only emotion that mobilizes the entire central nervous system every organ every muscle group and most of the metabolic system togenerate the power required of the fight-or-flight response. Morethan any other internal experience anger increases feelings of power.If loss of power were the problem in intimate betrayal anger would bethe answer. But the great pain of intimate betrayal has little to dowith loss of power 165
  To recover 165
  - To recover you must do what will make you feel more valuableand lovable not temporarily more powerful. Yet defensive reactions tointimate betrayal—although perfectly natural and entirely justifiable—force you into reactive narrow and rigid perspectives thatinhibit growth and further erode self-value. Allowed to run on automaticpilot they will turn you into someone you’re not. 165
  Why It’s So Hard to Be Yourself
  - Emotional Reactivity
    An automatic usually unconscious gut-level response to negativelyperceived events situations or people emotional reactivitymakes it very hard to be yourself after intimate betrayal
    
    scenes in a movie sporting events e-mails unexpectedphone calls—can trigger memories or impressions of the betrayal andunleash intense emotions in reaction
    
    The triggers can also generalizeto nearly everyone with whom you interact
    
    high emotional reactivity is not a problem ofindividual psychology 56
    
    nothing wrong with you if you find yourself overreacting tolife’s minor irritations as well as its major challenges 56
    
    High emotionalreactivity—whether held in or acted out—results from a normal brainfunction known as pattern matching. 56
  Approach to emotional healing
  - assured feelings and reactions were normal and quite common
    no need to explore feelings that were a natural result of a sense ofself scraped raw by intimate betrayal
    
    high emotional reactivity was part of a larger defense system constructed to protect an understandably wounded heart from future harm
    
    therapeutic strategy – to build up her sense of personal value and empowerment and thereby render the heightened defensive system unnecessary 369
  a habit 3
  - Anymental activity repeated often will form a relatively inflexible sequenceof neural firing in the brain—that is a habit. 3
    Once habits are formed only new habits can replace them. Conditioning new mental emotional and behavioral habits is the foundation of my approach tohealing and growth 3
  pattern matching
  - High emotional reactivity—whether held in or acted out—results from a normal brainfunction known as pattern matching
    We hardly ever interact directly with our environment
    
    The brainmelds thoughts memories emotions and behavioral impulses intothousands of neural “snapshots” and then selects one to “match” thecurrent perception of the environment.
    
    This is normally an efficientway for it to function because it conserves metabolically expensiveconscious attention. That is we exert the extra energy to pay attentiononly when something departs from our preconditioned “snapshots.”
    
    You can walk into a room 100 times and not notice a lamp until oneday it has been moved and the pattern in your head no longer matchesthe appearance of the room.
    
    Under normal conditions the brain’s pattern matching is prettyaccurate and we behave more or less “appropriately” most of the time
    
    intimate betrayal presents a special problem for pattern matching.The stronger the emotional component of the brain’s neural snapshots the less precise its matching process 335
    
    That’s especially true ofthe threat-related emotions—anger fear and disgust—which get priorityprocessing in the brain. Seeing a cup of cream on the table cancause nausea in someone who has suffered food poisoning from badmeat or vegetables as heightened sensitivity makes the cream though unrelated to the rancid food that caused the poisoning seem like a threat. 335
    
    A shadow on the wall can send a rape or mugging victim intofits of discomfort or terror even though shadows routinely move onwalls. 23 -139
    
    A car backfiring which sounds nothing like combat can neverthelesstrigger reality-shattering flashbacks in war veterans 23 -139
    
    If a past lover once cheated on you a glow in the cheek of your present onecan arouse anger jealousy and anxiety. In short after intimatebetrayal your brain temporarily perceives the world to be more threateningthan it really is. This change in perception is due to a normalbrain function not your personal psychology. 23 -139
    
    “better safe than sorry” system 23
    
    Another way to understand high emotional reactivity is to appreciatethat your brain evolved as a “better safe than sorry” system 23
    
    Wedid not descend from early humans who underestimated threat whothought they didn’t have to be extra careful after a brush with a sabertoothedtiger. We’re descendant from the ones who overestimatedthreat and occasionally mistook shadows on the rocks—and sometimesfellow cave dwellers—for menacing beasts. 23
  Overcoming Emotional Reactivity 23 23
  - the best way to overcomeemotional reactivity is to make a determination to act on your valuesmore than your feelings 23 384
    Your values are those beliefs and personalqualities that are most important to you 23 384
    
    you mightvalue being a supportive nurturing mother or an honest and loyalfriend 23 384
    
    After intimate betrayal feelings tend to be confusing contradictory and of course highly reactive 23 384
    
    Intimate betrayal are less about the person you truly are and more about defensive reactions to your environment. 23 384
    
    Remember your environment seems moredangerous in the aftermath of intimate betrayal because the brain’sFootprints on the Heart and Soul15pattern matching has become temporarily less accurate in its “bettersafe than sorry” mode.) 23 627
    
    Acting on feelings will make you behaveuncharacteristically if not in ways that seem alien to you 23 627
    
    your values represent who you truly are and what is most important toyou regardless of what occurs in your environment 23 627
    
    Acting on your values will change your feelings—if not immediately in fairly short order—as you begin to feel more authentic withless guilt shame anxiety anger and resentment. -187
    
    the converseis not true. If you act on your feelings you run the risk of gettinglost in the vicissitudes of temporary emotional states that will makeyou violate your deeper values and cause more guilt shame anxiety anger and resentment. -187
    
    For example your betrayer almost certainlyacted on her feelings in violation of her deeper values. The choice toact on feelings over values caused the betrayal -187
    
    Feelings
    - feelings are more about what you’re experiencing than who you are 250
      feelings are more reactive to the environment 250
      
      feelings are greatly influenced by physiological states (fatigue hunger thirst body temperature or illness) 250
      
      feelings are highly habituated—automatically stimulated by meresimilarities with past experience 250
      
      feelings are transitory—coming and going within minutes providedyou don’t amplify magnify and prolong them by trying to“validate” or “justify” them 250
    Values 394
    - values are more about you than what you’re experiencing 394
    - values are far less reactive to the environment 394
    - values are far less influenced by physiological states 58
    - values are consistent over time 58
  After suffering intimate betrayal it can be difficult to think interms of deeper values simply because the betrayal has made you consistentlyunderestimate your personal value strengths and resilience 17
  
  The key to recovery was to begin thinking and acting in accordance with the person you truly is beneath the pain and emotional reactivity you experienced. 162
  
  A Crucial Note for All Exercises
  - The exercises in this book will not ask you to make mere “affirmations.”Healing and growth require behavioral commitments to anew way of seeing yourself and the world. They do not arise miraculouslyfrom simple statements or temporary changes in feelings. Thereis a hierarchy of neurological change. Thinking repeatedly aboutsomething forges neural connections. Repeatedly imagining somethingin detail forges stronger connections. Thinking imagining andpracticing behavior produces the most lasting change. You can startout just thinking in ways that promote healing and growth but whatyou write in these exercises must be enacted in specific behaviors atsome point to accomplish full healing and growth
Chapter 2-How to Use the Natural Motivation of Pain to Heal
- Pain is a gift 142
  - Pain is a gift. A pain-free life were it possible would be numb andshort. 142
    The gift of pain lies in its biological function as a dual alarm andmotivational system. It dominates attention for one purpose: to motivatebehavior that will heal repair and improve 336
    
    The alarm function of pain is clear—it hurts so much that it isdifficult to think about anything else. 336
    
    Its motivational role thoughless obvious is just as compelling. 336
    
    The throbbing in your foot gets youto move the refrigerator off it. 336
    
    An ache in your back gets you to standup straight and lessen the pressure on your spine 336
    
    Intestinal painmakes you rock in your chair or get up and move around to dislodgegas bubbles trapped somewhere in your digestive tract 336
    
    There is onlyone place in the body that lacks the nerve endings that originate pain;that is the brain the one place where corrective behavior is impossible. 336
    
    Injuries to the brain are so often fatal that the need for pain tomotivate corrective behavior is nil. 336
  opposite of pain 29
  - The opposite of pain is not pleasure or joy 29
    The opposite of pain is numbness 29
    
    For example supposeyou could not remove the refrigerator from your foot and had towait for help to come. The pain would spike—get worse and worse—up to a point. And then your foot would go numb. Once your brainfigures out that no behavior will help it stops processing the signalsof pain from the affected area. 29
    
    “Where there’s pain there’s life ” is a saying attributed to the Inuittribes of Alaska. It literally means that limbs numbed by cold hurtlike hell as they return to normal body temperature. If they do nothurt they are frostbitten—dead—and will need to be removed 29
  Memories of pain 29
  - Memories of pain like the actual experience of it are utterly necessaryfor survival and well-being. Recalling that you once burnedyour finger on a stove makes you more careful when you feel the heat.Remembering that you stepped on a nail last week makes you lookbefore you leap today. Recalling intimate betrayal makes you morecautious about love in the future 29
    Memories of pain are not about the past; they evolved to keepus safe in the present and future. They point to solutions now not inthe past. 29 250
  Emotional Pain 29 250
  - Emotional pain serves the same positive function as its physical counterpart. 29 4
    Feeling disregarded guilty devalued or unlovable promptsyou to raise self-regard compensate for any bad behavior increaseyour competence and be more loving. 29 4
    
    If you do those things ormerely think about doing them the pain subsides. If you don’t it getsworse and worse until it goes numb. 29 4
    
    To relieve thepain of feeling unlovable try to be more loving toward your childrenor parents or friends or anyone whom you can love with minimal risk –
  motivational advantage of emotional pain 2
  - motivational advantage of emotionalpain you cannot view painful memories as punishments inflicted byothers or as self-punishments for past mistakes. They are not punishmentsto be avoided; they are motivations to heal improve repair and grow. 2
  The Motivational Message of Emotional Pain
  - Emotional pain takes many forms. Most involve some measure of guilt anxiety sorrow or shame all of which are abundant after intimatebetrayal. Each carries a distinct motivational message ofhealing.
    Guilt
    - Guilt comes from a perception that you have violated your values
      Although memories of guilt seem to be about the past their motivationalfunction is to get you to act according to your values now andthat is the only thing that will relieve the pain.
    Anxiety 190
    - Anxiety is dread that something bad will happen; themotivation is to learn more about what might actually happen anddevelop plans to prevent it or to cope with it should it occur 384
      Nothingelse will relieve it although many behaviors—most of them undesirableif not self-destructive—will temporarily avoid it. 384
    Sorrow 384
    - Sorrow is about loss of something or someone youvalue; the message is to invest value in someone else. (This investmentis apparent at funerals where people typically allay their grief by connectingwith fellow grievers.) 384
      Unless you’ve been physically traumatized grief makes you want to hug someone who seems dear to you atthe moment. 384
    Shame 384
    - Shame is about failure and inadequacy; the motivation is to reevaluate reconceptualize and redouble your efforts to pursuesuccess in love relationships or work or in whatever area you haveperceived failure -332
      The experience of shame in and of itself never meansthat you’re a failure; it tells you to stop doing or thinking what youhad been thinking or doing and try something different that is consistentwith your deeper values. -332
      
      If we follow the motivation ofshame—instead of short-circuiting it with resentment anger alcohol workaholism or whatever—it will lead to healing improvement and ultimately a solid sense of core value. -332
  How Pain Becomes Suffering
  - The motivational element of painful emotions has self-healingand self-correcting components. When we take advantage of them we flourish. When we don’t we suffer. (You’ve probably heard thesaying “Pain is inevitable; suffering is an option.”)
    If we do not act on its motivation to heal repair and improve thealarm of pain intensifies and generalizes. Just as the untreated toothachebecomes facial pain and the neglected foot injury seems to throbalong the whole side of the body unheeded guilt shame and anxietybecome a generalized kind of “self-ache ” which stimulates elaboratedefenses that usually include high emotional reactivity chronicresentment and frequent anger.
    
    generalized pain becomes suffering which resultsfrom repeated failure to act on the natural motivation of pain to dosomething that will heal repair or improve 250
    
    Anything that numbs oravoids pain undermines its function to motivate corrective behavior and thereby causes suffering. 250
    
    Blame resentment (expecting someoneelse to relieve the pain) anger addictions and compulsive behaviorall render us powerless to heal improve or repair. All causesuffering. 250
  Self-compassion vs. self-criticism and self-pity
  - Self-compassion isa sympathetic response to your hurt distress or vulnerability with a motivation to heal repair and improve 590
    It brings a sense of empowerment—a feeling that you can do something to make your life better even if you are not sure what that might be at the moment. It tends tokeep you focused on solutions in the present and future 590
  Self-criticism
  - Self-criticism is blaming yourself for your hurt distress or vulnerability usually with a measure of punishment or contempt
    It’sbased on the mistaken idea that if you punish yourself enough youwon’t make similar mistakes in the future when just the opposite istrue—self-punishment leads to more mistakes.
    
    Who is more likelyto make more mistakes the valued self or the devalued self
  Self-pity
  - Self-pityis focus on your pain or damage with no motivation to heal repair orimprove.
    It has an element of contempt for your perceived incompetenceor inadequacy because it assumes that you can’t do anything tomake your life better. Needless to say self-criticism and self-pity turnpain into suffering.
  Replace “Why” with “How”
  - To take advantage of the self-healing and self-correcting featuresof pain avoid dwelling on its possible causes 335
    (Mental focus on anything amplifies and magnifies the objectof the focus. 335
    
    Amplifying pain puts too much attention on its alarmcomponent and too little on its motivational element 335
    
    It’s like reactingto the piercing noise of the smoke alarm rather than putting out thefire. 335
    
    The causes of injury-related pain are notwhat sustain it. For instance a piece of broken glass may have slicedyour skin open but the severed and inflamed nerve endings in theflesh sustain the pain. Preoccupation with why you cut yourself willnot help to heal the wound. 335
    
    Similarly your partner lying to you cheating on you or abusing you caused your pain. Preoccupation withwhy he did it runs the risk of making you live inside his head at thecost of your own healing and growth. 33
    
    The pain is telling you to restoreself-value now through your own positive actions and that is the onlything that will eliminate it. 33 –
    
    Not only does focus on the betrayer’s motivations distract fromhealing but speculation about a partner’s motives is utterly fruitless.We can never know why someone betrays an intimate bond 33
    
    Rather than speculating about what might have caused your partnerto inflict this pain it is far more to your benefit to concentrateyour attention on the internal message of the pain which is to heal repair and improve. 33
  EXERCISE: Find the Healing Messagein Your Pain 34 1
  - In one sentence on a piece of paper describe some aspect of thepain caused by your partner’s betrayal 34 1
    Example: “My ex told lies about me to our mutual friends; I feel wronged angry and on adeeper level unlovable. 34
  EXERCISE: Find the Meaning of Your Pain 34
  - In one sentence on a piece of paper explain why you are hurt 34
  - Example: “My spouse cheated on me.”) 34
  - What does my pain mean about me? 34
  The above exercise highlights the fact that suffering results fromthe meaning we give to our pain 35
  
  We cannot control what other peopledo but we have absolute control over what their behavior means tous. 35
  
  Effort to Improve 35 346
  - Negative emotions hurt until we start on the path of healing andimproving. 35 3
    if you feel a sense of loss that feeling willtend to worsen until you begin to think of what you can do to deepenconnections with other people in your life. 35 3
    
    If you feel empty as manyof my betrayed clients report you don’t have to “fill yourself up” tofeel better; you just have to try to make your other relationships a littlebetter. 35 3
    
    The initial motivation of the sense of loss is to get you movingtoward something that will reduce the stimulus of the discomfort—inother words make things a little better 35 3
    
    Once you start thinking ofwhat would make things better the bad feeling begins to subside freeing up more mental resources in the prefrontal cortex—the problem-solving part of the brain that gets less blood during emotionalarousal. 35 3
    
    Research shows that what we tend to regret the most isnot failure but making insufficient effort 36 -225
Chapter 3-How to Develop a Healing Identity
- Two points about healing 139
  - 1. human beings have anextraordinary capacity for healing emotional wounds 139
  - 2. The most important element in overcoming emotionalpain is developing a healing identity 139
- With a healing identity 381
  - you will identify with your strengths resilience and desire to improve your life. 381
    Your decision to develop ahealing identity will free you from the debilitating thoughts of damage unfairness and blame that inevitably occur after intimatebetrayal. 381
    
    You will continue to have such thoughts for a time andoccasionally feel overwhelmed by them 381
- Why Identity Is Important -23
  - composed of perceived or desired personal qualities (such as intelligence stupidity compassion resilience strength weakness or rebelliousness –
    composed of characteristic behaviors (such as helping teaching listening encouraging or criticizing) –
    
    composed of social roles (such as parent writer good friend moralperson winner doormat or victim) –
    
    Identity exerts far-reaching influence on our thoughts feelings and behavior due to its function as an organizer of experience and afilter of information the brain selects to process 335
    
    Left on automaticpilot our brains look for information conforming to identity andoverlook disconfirming evidence. 335
    
    The psychological advantage isthis: if consistent and (more or less) accurate identity reduces selfdoubtand indecisiveness by presenting a clear repertoire of thoughtsand behavior 335
- You Don’t Deserve to Suffer fromVictim Identity -42
  - Absent the conscious choice to develop a healing identity intimatebetrayal can easily lead to victim identity—identification withhurt and bad treatment. Damage injury defects and weaknessbecome integral aspects of the identity that is likely to emerge afterintimate betrayal. -42
    Victim identity has dire implications for recovery (beyond the factthat it’s difficult to marshal mental resources for healing when focusedon perceived damage and weakness). It can give this completely falseimpression: If you didn’t have your pain or bear the scars of mistreatment you wouldn’t know who you are. -42
- EXERCISE: Create a Healing Identity 7
  - Stay True to Yourself 3
    - Intimate betrayal carries a natural impulse to retaliate. Some part ofyou wants to hurt your betrayer at least as much as you’ve been hurt
      “the greatestrevenge is living well.” 384
      - There is only one kind of retaliation that assures escape from thepitfalls of victim identity. As expressed in the old saying “the greatestrevenge is living well.” After intimate betrayal “living well” meanshealing growing and creating a value-filled life. 384
  - You’re Different from Your Betrayer -187
    - During your recovery it’s vital to keep in mind how different youare from your betrayer and how you would have behaved differently inhis shoes. Keeping a behavioral log each day for the next few weekswill etch the differences in your mind. Feel the power in the differencesas you write. -187
  - Step One: Inventory 7
    - On a piece of paper list your strengths (for example: intelligence curiosity resourcefulness creativity adaptability courage sense of humor persistence curiosity open-mindedness integrity bravery vitality humility
  - Step Two: Commitment
    - Explain how you will employ your strengths and use yourdeeper values for healing. (Example: I will investigate opportunitiesfor growth in work and social life make it a point tosee the perspectives of my friends and loved ones alongsidemy own focus on those aspects of life that broaden my perspective and allow myself to appreciate beauty in natureand in creative endeavors. 35
  - Step Three: Declaration -165
    - Write the following declaration and sign it: I hereby resolveto focus my attention and behavior on what will help meheal grow improve and create value in my life. -165
  - Step Four: Opportunities for Growth -165
    - Make a list of the opportunities for growth that are presentedby the pain you have suffered. (Example: I will have a deeperknowledge of myself and others. I will have a deeper appreciationof those who struggle to grow from the ruins of life’ssetbacks and misfortunes. I will resurrect my abandoneddreams by taking courses looking up old friends starting asmall business and doing volunteer work in my community.) -165
  - Step Five: Spiritual Testament 174
    - Write the following declaration and sign it: “I will transcendall that I have suffered and come out of this recovery perioda better person focused on a permanent sense of meaningand purpose according to the spiritual beliefs that resonatein my soul.” 174
- BEHAVIORAL LOG
  - Healing vs. Retaliation 272
    - The impulse to retaliate—and thereby act like your betrayer—will do no harm if it is regulated and channeled into more beneficialbehavior. Below is an exercise you can do to help gauge progress inmaintaining your healing identity. Don’t worry if you don’t manage toregulate all your impulses at the time they occur; it’s unlikely thatyou’ll be able to do so at this early stage of recovery. Just fill in whatyou intend to do in the future. 272
    On a piece of paper or a calendar write the headings “What mypartner did:” and “What I do:” for each day for the next two tofour weeks. On each of those days you will record the differencesyou observe between the behavior of your betrayer and your ownbehavior. (The point of the repetition is to help you internalize thedifferences between you and your partner while at the same time fortifying your deeper values.) Draw from any of the following examplesthat apply to your relationship.
- REGULATING THE IMPULSE TO RETALIATE 272
  - Healing Identity vs. Blame -289
    A Healing Identity Is Responsible and Powerful 201
    
    Create a weekly log to track your impulses and how you regulatethem. Each week record whether and how often you felt the impulseto criticize act superior devalue or demean or inflict emotional 659
- HEALING IDENTITY EXERCISE 19
Chapter 4-How to Use Restorative Images to Heal Painful Memories
- Neuroscience has revealed something all too familiar to those whohave lived through intimate betrayal: emotional pain is just as real tothe brain as physical pain
  emotional healing is just as real to the brain as physicalhealing.
  
  Physiological healing is the revitalization of diseased or injuredtissue organs or biological systems. Simply put the body’s cellsregenerate or repair to reduce the size of the distressed or damagedarea and restore the body to normal functioning
  
  Emotional healing is more complicated and less mechanistic butotherwise follows a similar path to restoration. It can be accomplishedwith as much efficiency and effectiveness as the wondrous healing ofour bodies.
  
  Emotional healing happens when the brain replaces painfulmemories (images) of injury or damage with restorative images whichmotivate behavior that promotes safety growth and well-being thereby restoring the normal function of the mind. The process occursnaturally for most people although it takes a long while. -332
  
  Restorative Images 7
  - The most powerful restorative images are thosethat reinforce our deepest values 7
    basic humanity (innate capacity for interest in the wellbeingof others)
    
    love 190
    
    spiritual connection 190
    
    appreciation of natural and creative beauty 190
    
    community connection (identifying with or feeling connectedto a group of people) 190
    
    compassionate behavior (crucial to the maintenance ofsocial bonds) 190
    
    A restorative image is any emotionally laden bit of your imaginationthat eases pain by shifting mental focus from loss to growth 7
    
    Themost potent images are usually drawn from experience—somethingyou’ve seen heard smelled touched or dreamed. The images can bebeautiful meaningful exciting stunning soothing or peaceful 7
    
    They can also be purely made-up—one of mine is moving rapidlythrough an expanding portion of deep space ablaze with the light ofbillions of stars. 7
    
    Restorative images remind us that our sense of whowe are rises from what we have gained in life rather than what we’velost or suffered and is continually strengthened by our ability toimprove and grow. 7
  Emotional healing 432
  - Emotional healing is largely a process of calling up images thatreinforce these deep values and reconditioning your brain to associatethem with painful memories 432
  Recondition Your Brain -139
  
  Brain conditioning -139
  - Brain conditioning is a process of repeating tasks or mental associationsuntil new habits in sequences of neural firing are formed
    When it comes to emotions we are almost entirely creatures of habit.By the time we’re adults the vast majority of our emotions are conditionedby past experiences.
    
    In other words when a certain kind ofthing happens we have a certain habituated emotional response. Thebrain develops so many conditioned responses because they are metabolicallycheap; they consume little energy compared to consciousintentions.
    
    (The difference in mental exertion between a habituatedresponse and a consciously decided action is hundreds of millions ofmultifiring neurons.) We’re reconditioning our brains all the time usually in adaptation to our environments. Now is the time to take upthe process consciously in the service of healing and growth
    
    Because habituated responses get repeated thousands of timesover the years there is only one way the brain can form new habits and that is through repetition of new associations 153
    
    wemust practice associating restorative images with memories of pain.But don’t worry; it won’t take nearly as many repetitions to undo thehabit as it took to form it in the first place. Restorative images have apotent reinforcement because they make you feel better. In general ittakes less iteration for a more pleasant habit to replace a painful one. 153
  Practice Practice Practice 395
  - To get the most out of the exercise that follows make a list of yourmore prominent painful memories 395
    Practice associating at least one ofyour restorative images with each item every day until the new associationsbecome automatic. Habit formation should occur within sixweeks of practice. Then each time a painful image occurs in implicitor unconscious memory its restorative counterpart will occur almostsimultaneously. 395
    
    Painful memories will indirectly stimulate the restorativeimages and motivate behavior that promotes healing and growth 395
  RESTORATIVE IMAGE EXERCISE
  - Describe your emotional hurt
  - Choose an image of basic humanity that is meaningfulto you
  - Associate the image with your painful memory
  - Choose an image of love that is meaningful to you
  - Associate the image with your painful memory
  - Choose an image of spirituality that is meaningful toyou 35
  - Associate the image with your painful memory 64
  - Choose an image of natural or creative beauty thatis meaningful to you 64
  - Associate the image with your painful memory
  - Choose an image of community connection that ismeaningful to you
  - Associate the image with your painful memory
  - Choose an image of a small compassionate act that ismeaningful to you 272
  - Associate the image with your painful memory 272
Chapter 5-The Key to Healing and Growth: Your Core Value
- Core value grows out of the uniquely human drive to create value—tomake people things and ideas important enough to appreciate nurture and protect 23
  Consistently acting on the drive to create value providesa sense of meaning and purpose in life. 23
  
  a highly developed core value won’t make youforget your betrayal it will definitely make all that you have sufferedless important in your life as a whole 23
  
  The past can no longer controlus once it is overshadowed by the deeply human drive to create valueand give our lives meaning. 23
  
  The Drive to Create Value 431
  - Although we have an innate drive to create value we have to makechoices of who and what to value 52
    A sunset has value if and only if you give it value—you invest energy and effort to fully perceive it thus allowing you to appreciate it. While it does nothing for the sunsetif you value it valuing it does wonders for you. The moment ofvalue creation makes you feel more vital engaged interested appreciative—in short more alive. Life means more to you at the instantyou create value just as it means less to you when you are not creatingvalue. -285
    
    Most positive emotion passion meaning purpose and convictioncome from creating value and most emptiness aggression anddepression result from failure to create value
    
    Who is more likely to maintain healthy weight: the personwho values health or the one who devalues her body?
    
    Who is morelikely to succeed with fewer mistakes the coach who values the skillsand cohesiveness of the team or the one who devalues his players?
    
    Who will do better at work and feel more satisfied with it theemployee who values her contribution and her coworkers or the onewho devalues his job peers or managers?
    
    Who is more likely to thrive after intimate betrayal thebetrayed partner who values her well-being her other relationships her strengths and her resilience or the one who devalues his life andmost of the people in it?
  problem with core value
  - Creating value consumes enormous amounts of energy.
  - It takes a lot more effortto appreciate a sunset or a child’s smile than to ignore them
  components of value creation
  - interest
  - attention
  Depression
  - If we withhold too much too often we’ll end up running mostly on automaticpilot just going through the motions of living. Eventually we’ll get depressed. Depression can be understood as extremely low value creation.
    A common way to avoid the depressed mood of low value creationis to devalue—to lower the value of someone or something by deciding that “he’s not good enough ” or “that’s not worth it ” or “I’m not worth it.”
    
    Devaluing brings a temporary spike in energy becauseit invokes a subtle form of anger or disgust directed at yourself or others.
    
    Devaluing behaviors (such as criticism verbal aggression andactions motivated by contempt or disgust) feel briefly more empoweringthan the depressed mood of low value creation -284
  Increasing Core Value
  - focus your thoughts emotions and behaviors on increasingthe value of your experience and staying true to what is mostimportant to you.
  paths to a conscious state of core value 6
  - 1. Honor the most important thing about you as a person. 6
    2. Prove to yourself that you are worthy by doing something thatmakes you feel lovable and adequate 6
    
    3. Act on any one of the core value motivations 6
  Core Value Recovery Strategies 2 –
  - Improve. 2
    - The core value motivation to improve means striving tomake something better. For optimal success in recovering from thesevere effects intimate betrayal think of improving as an incrementalprocess—making things a little better at a time. People sometimesstop trying to improve because they don’t know how to “fix” a situation. 2
      In emotionally charged conditions it’s nearly impossible to godirectly from feeling bad to feeling 100 percent good. But once youmake something 10 percent better it becomes easier to make it 20percent better. 2
      
      Strive to make a bad situation a little better if you can but if youcan’t then make your experience of it better 2
      
      Keeping a log will help you focus on improving situations (or theway you experience them) in the future. 3
      
      Title this log “My Attemptsto Improve Bad Situations ” and use it to track the things you havedone or will do to improve by 10 percent a bad situation or your experienceof it 3
      
      (Examples 3
      - I have tried to communicate respectfully evenwhen the other person is disrespectful; 3
      - I enjoy music and recordedbooks while in traffic jams 3
      - I will try to solve problems rather thanblaming them on others 3
      Keeping the “improve log” will help rewire your brain to think ofways to improve when something bad happens rather than dwellingon how bad it is which is likely to make it worse 3 250
      
      IMPROVEMENT EXERCISE 3 4
      - 1. Describe something that makes you feel depressed o rresentful 4 3
        2. Describe what you can do to make your experienceof the event or circumstance 10 percent better 4 -79
        
        3. Describe what you can do to improve your experienceof the event or circumstance 10 percent more 4 -79
        
        4. Describe what you can do to improve your experienceanother 10 percent 4
  - Appreciate 5
    - We typically think of appreciation in terms of complimentaryexpressions such as “You’re wonderful” (or “special ” or“smart ” or “attractive”). Yet expressions like these often feel hollow.That’s because appreciation is primarily a felt condition not a verbalone. Missing in most compliments is the essential component ofappreciation—opening your heart and allowing yourself to beenhanced by certain qualities of other people or things 5
      For example when I appreciate your fine work or your thoughtful gestures I amenhanced; I become a better person as long as I appreciate you. (Thisis why appreciating and being appreciated are so appealing in relationships:both parties become better.) What’s more my appreciation ofyou has a ripple effect—it helps me appreciate the beauty of the sunset the drama of the painting or the excitement of the movie or play 5
      
      APPRECIATION EXERCISE 6
      - 1. Describe something that makes you blue or resentful 6
        2. Write down three things to appreciate about the room you are in at this moment. Force yourself if necessary to focus on your surroundings 6
        
        3. Write down three things to appreciate about your job or the work you do in or around your home 6 346
        
        4. Write down three things to appreciate about the time of year 7 3
        
        5. List three things to appreciate about your best friend 7 3
        
        6. List three things to appreciate about your parents or other elders in your life 7
        
        7. List three things to appreciate about your children or other people animals or even plants you care for 7
        
        8. List three things to appreciate about anything else 7
        
        9. Read what you have written aloud 7
  - Protect 8
    - Love activates a powerful instinct to protect 8
      selfvaluetends to rise and fall on the ability to protect loved ones. 8
      
      we feel more valuable when we protect them and less valuablewhen we fail to protect them 8
      
      Suppression of the instinct to protectalso suppresses the ability to love 8
      
      it is hardly possibleto heal any pain associated with betrayed love without followingthe instinct to protect other loved ones 8
      
      If you cannot protect loved ones through overt behavior (due toinaccessible or damaged relationships) do it in your imagination inthe knowledge that at some point you must make the effort to enactprotective behavior in order to overcome the negative effects of intimatebetrayal 8
      
      PROTECTION EXERCISE 8
      - Do this exercise whenever you need to access your core value. Themost enduring sense of empowerment comes from exercising yournatural instinct to protect 8 23
        List three ways you protect those you love and care for 8 23
  - Connect 9 -284
    - Connection is a sense that some part of your emotionalworld is also part of someone else’s 9 -284
      it makesus rise above purely selfish and petty concerns to regard the well-being of significant others or communities 9
      
      On a biological level connection elevates blood levels of the bonding hormone oxytocin which makes us feel calm safe and secure 9
      
      Connection is a mental state and a choice 9
      
      You choose to feel connectedto certain people or communities and you choose to feel disconnectedfrom them. 9
      
      level of connection 9
      - intimate 9
      - familial 9
      - communal 9
      - spiritual 9
  Core Value as IncompatibleResponse Strategy 9
  - One of the most potent of behavioral interventions is known as incompatibleresponse strategy (Baron 1984). 9
    It’s based on the principle thatall organisms (including human beings) are incapable of engaging intwo incompatible responses at once. 9
    
    It assumes one of the earliest ofbehavior principles: Where attention goes behavior follows 9
    
    Thestrategy is to focus attention on doing something that is incompatiblewith what you don’t want to do. 9
    
    For example you won’t be successfulfor very long if you try to stop yelling at work or at home. The frustrationof trying to suppress the impulse to yell while focused on notyelling will likely make you yell more 9
    
    That’s because the brain cannotdo negatives; it must do something instead of what you don’t want to do 9
    
    If you practice speaking to others respectfully with sensitivityto their individual sensibilities you will not yell at them and are farmore likely to get cooperation from them. 9
    
    Most of the exercises inthis book are based on using core value as an incompatible responsestrategy to accomplish what you want to do—increase the value ofyour experience—instead of what you don’t want to do—devalueyourself or others. 80 -332
    
    EXERCISE 80 -139
    
    Be sure to perform the behaviors you describe below with conviction:“I am doing the right thing by acting on my deeper values.”(If you approach all the exercises in the rest of the book with thisattitude and then enact the behaviors you describe you will heal improve and grow.) 80
    
    Describe something about your betrayal that invokes astate of numbness nervousness resentment depression or aggression 80 250
    
    Describe what you can do to 80 250
    - 1. Improve the situation or the way you experience it. 80 250
    - 2. Appreciate 81 3
    - 3. Protect 81 3
    - 4. Connect 81 3
  The above exercise once again demonstrates a crucial point aboutemotional healing and growth. While we cannot change what happenedto us in the past we have absolute control over the meaning ofour lives in the present and future 81 309
  
  Think of the things that have the profoundest influence on ourlives and how little control we have over them. We didn’t choose ourparents; we didn’t sit down with God and say “I’ll take those two overthere!” 81 309
  
  We didn’t choose what illnesses our mothers suffered duringpregnancy or whether they smoked or took aspirin 81 309
  
  We didn’t decidehow much money our families would have what early childhood illnessesor accidents we would experience which schools we would goto what kind of teachers and peers we would find there whetherother children would like or bully us 81 309
  
  We simply have no control over the major influences on our lives yet we have absolute control over what they mean to us. 81 309
  
  If we definethe meaning of our lives by bad things that happened to us we createchronic states of powerlessness and resentment with intermittentdepression. 81 309
  
  If we define the meaning of our lives by systematically increasing the value of our experience we create a life of meaning purpose and personal power 81 503
Part II: Retraining the Recovering Heart
Chapter 6-Getting to Core Value under Pressure: Your Core Value Bank
- Building Your CVB
  - core value is a product of the naturallyhierarchical processing of our brains which necessarily makessome things more important than others
    In terms of emotional healing and growth the most significant factorsare not your values per se but whether you honor or violate them
    
    Honoring brings a sense of conviction and authenticity. Violatingbrings guilt shame and anxiety.
    
    Remaining focused on your deepest values will strengthen yourcore value and accelerate healing and growth.
  types of values 201
  - basic humanity 201
  - attachment (love) 201
  - spirituality 201
  - creativity 201
  - compassionatebehavior 201
  - connection with nature 201
  - connection with communities of people 201
  8 CVB Safe-Deposit Boxes
  - Box 1: Basic Humanity 19
    - Basic humanity is our innate interest in the well-being of others 19
      Inits more developed expressions it motivates cooperative respectful helpful nurturing protective and altruistic behaviors 19
      
      In adversity itmotivates sacrifice and rescue. 19
      
      Most experts agree that these kinds ofbehaviors helped our earliest ancestors survive harsh environmentsand prevail in competition with more powerful predators 19
      
      Developing a sense of basic humanity allows us to grow beyondthe limitations of personal experience and the prejudice that goeswith it
      
      The more in touch with basic humanity we are the morehumane we feel
      
      When out of touch with it we feel less humane withdiminished capacity for healing and growth 211
      
      Example: Imagine that you’re driving by yourself late at night with only oneother car on the road. Suddenly that car veers off the road and crashesinto a tree. Two people are in the car a mother and a four-year-oldchild. 309
  - Box 2: Meaning and Purpose 417
    - Meaning and purpose are not strictly speaking value 417
      Theyresult from being true to the most important things to and about us.If we are true to our deeper values whatever they are we have a senseof meaning and purpose. 417
      
      If we’re not we don’t and we’re likely to fillthe void with obsessions or addictions or simply become lethargic with little motivation and vitality 417
      
      EXERCISE
      - 1. What is the most important thing about you as a person -250
        2. Describe the most important thing about your life in general. -250
        
        Think in terms of your legacy to the world or howyou would like to be remembered. This is what you would like onyour tombstone or in a one- or two-sentence eulogy
  - Box 3: Attachment (Love) 7
    - Attachment is the formation and maintenance of affectionatebonds. It’s the first value we create in life. 8
      Attachment pain tends tobe the worst kind of emotional pain which is why intimate betrayal isso devastating—it can make you feel unlovable and inadequate as anintimate partner parent child sibling or close friend. 8
      
      EXERCISE: Fill this box with the names of your loved ones. You’re writingtheir names but the actual content of the box is the love you have forthem. 8
  - Box 4: Spirituality
    - In the psychological sense spirituality is not necessarily aboutGod or religion. It is a sense of connection to something larger thanthe self.
      That something can be God; nature; the cosmos; a social moral or political cause; or the sea of humanity. The importance ofspiritual connection predates recorded history. Evidence suggests thatthe Neanderthals—the more primitive group of “cave men”—buriedtheir dead in what appear to have been spiritual ceremonies
      
      EXERCISE: Add a symbol (a drawing or mark or word will do) ofsomething that has spiritual significance to you. It can be religious natural cosmic or social connecting you to something larger thanthe self. 627
  - Box 5: Nature
    - The ability to appreciate and be moved by the beauty of natureseems to be uniquely human
      We are capable of admiring nature andfeeling a part of it at the same time.
      
      EXERCISE: In this safe-deposit box name draw or describe a nature scenethat strikes you as beautiful
  - Box 6: Creativity 2
    - Creativity includes the expression and appreciation of art literature architecture music dance furniture jewelry or anything createdby you or by another person 2
      Both creating and appreciating willaccess core value to a degree commensurate with the effort and energyyou put into the activity. Most of the time creating requires moreeffort and energy but avid appreciation will also deliver substantialreward. 2
      
      EXERCISE: In this safe-deposit box identify a piece of art music craft orarchitecture or another human creation that you value 2
  - Box 7: Community 542
    - A conscious sense of community occurs with the realization thatyou are connected to a group of people. The human brain developedto its present form when we still needed to live in tightly-knit communitiesto survive. 542
      The biological importance of community is seen in the high degree of communal contagion of emotions—a powerful unconscious force underlying social structure
      
      In other words the social transmission and receptionof emotions includes us in communities both large and small whether or not we are aware of them. Core value is accessed when wemake ourselves aware of them
      
      EXERCISE: In this box identify how or where you experience communityconnection—for example place of worship school work orneighborhood 0
  - Box 8: Compassion 0
    - The definition of a compassionate act is something that helpsrelieve the suffering hardship or discomfort of another person withno material gain to you 0 6
      In other words you do not do it to get somethingin return. 0 6
      
      Compassionate acts are the lubricant of social bondsand the lifeblood of intimate relationships. It’s almost certain that youfelt a significant decrease in compassion from your partner prior tothe betrayal. 0 6
      
      Psychologically speaking there is more reward from small butfrequent compassionate behaviors than from a few large ones 0 213
      
      Givinga dollar to charity whenever you can for example carries more accumulativepsychological reward than giving a lump sum atChristmastime. 0 213
      
      There is no act of compassion too small to access astate of core value. Anything that fits into a routine is more likely toproduce lasting change and significant benefit 0 213
      
      EXERCISE: In safe-deposit box 8 list three compassionate things you havedone. These are times you helped or comforted someone else with nomaterial gain to you. The content of the box is your emotional statewhen you perform small gestures of compassion. (Choose relativelysmall gestures that can be part of your routine—helping someonestruggling with packages visiting the sick talking to someone whofeels down.) 0 35
  Using Your CVB 1
  
  Daily investment 1 23
  - A primary purpose of making daily investmentsin your CVB is to relieve the stress that accumulates from chronicallydevaluing yourself and others a tendency that almost always followsintimate betrayal 1 23
    The long-term goal is to create a habit of value creation so you will automatically seek to increase the value of yourexperience. 1 23
    
    Hence a strategy with unmatched potential for psychologicalhealing is to add one new item to your CVB or enhance anitem already in it every day for the rest of your life 1 23
    
    If that seems like too much just do it on the days when you eat.That’s not entirely a joke; you want to think of core value work asreplenishment something that must be done every day like eatingand sleeping 1 23
    
    It doesn’t take a lot of time only a few seconds really yetthe daily repetition rewires the brain to think and act in terms ofbuilding value rather than devaluing 1 23
  CORE VALUE BANK DAILYINVESTMENT STATEMENT 2 -91
  - Number of times today that I helped someone 2
    Number of times I respected someone 2
    
    Number of times I (silently) valued people I passed on thestreet: 2
    
    Number of times I valued people I talked to on the phone 2
    
    Number of times I felt self-compassion (recognized my hurtwith motivation to improve and heal): 2
    
    Number of times I felt compassion for someone else (understoodher perspective and offered to help 2
    
    Number of times I felt love for someone 2
    
    Number of times I felt an intimate connection 2
    
    Number of times I felt a communal connection 2
    
    Number of times I felt a spiritual connection 2
    
    Number of times I improved (by at least 5 percent) a troublesomesituation or improved my experience of it: 2 346
    
    Number of times when I worried about something bad thatmight happen I thought of how to improve it if it does happen 2 346
    
    Number of times I appreciated something about someone 3
    
    Number of times I appreciated something in nature 3
    
    Number of times I appreciated something made by a person—music art architecture furniture clothing and so forth 3
    
    Number of times I acted according to my deepest values 3
    
    Number of times I felt protective of someone while respectinghis autonomy 3
    
    Number of times I renewed my purpose in life 3
  Lifetime Core Value Bank Statement 3 3
  - Number of people I have helped: 3 3
  - Amount of suffering in the world I have decreased 3 3
  - Moments of happiness I have caused 3 3
  - Number of small ways I have made the world a better place 3 3
  Restorative images 4 -80
  
  As you fill up the safe-deposit boxes of yourCVB over time you simultaneously build a supply of restorativeimages any one of which can be associated with painful memories forthe purpose of healing them 4 -80
  
  Emotion regulation 4 -80
  - emotion regulation iscalming yourself down when you’re upset and cheering yourself upand when you’re down. 4 17
    most common forms of hurt and vulnerability 4 17
    - feeling disregarded 4 17
    - guilty 4 17
    - rejected 4 17
    - powerless 4 17
    - inadequate 4 17
    - unlovable 4 17
    Emotion regulation occurs when we movefrom states of hurt and vulnerability to states of core value 4 17
    
    Theunderlying strategy of most the exercises in this book is to converthurt and vulnerability into empowered states of core value. 4 114
  EMOTION REGULATION EXERCISE 5 2
  - The exercise below is designed to help you associate intrusivethoughts with images from your CVB. With practice the occurrenceof the former will stimulate the latter. Practice sessions consist ofrecalling an unpleasant thought then running through a streamlinedversion of your CVB. Most of the time this practice will helpyou arrive at something you can do to improve the situation or yourexperience of it 5 221
    Describe something you resent about your betrayal 5 221
    
    Invoke the emotions of your CVB 5 221
    
    Explain what you will do to improve 5 657
    
    Describe something about your betrayal that makesyou feel depressed or anxious 6 6
    
    Invoke the emotions of your CVB 6
    
    Explain what you will do to improve 6
Chapter 8-How to Change Hidden Guilt and Shame into Self-Compassion 0
- The greatest obstacles to healing and growth following intimatebetrayal are also the cruelest because they seem so unfair. In bothhidden and overt ways guilt and shame permeate the hurt of intimatebetrayal and affect all close relationships. It would be highly unusualif at least one of your family or close relationships has not becomeproblematic to some extent since the betrayal. 0 133
  Guilt and shame operate mostly outside awareness—when you’reconscious of them at all it’s usually in the form of regret or anxiety which are reinforced by potent evolutionary and cultural pressures.The vast majority of the guilt and shame triggered by your partner’sbetrayal is irrational in nature; in other words you didn’t do anythingto cause the guilt or shame 0 375
  
  Guilt 1 –
  - Guilt is an uncomfortableand often painful feeling that comes from the belief—implicitor explicit—that you have violated a personal standard through specificthoughts or behaviors; that is you did (or imagined doing) somethingyou regard as wrong 1 –
  Shame 1 –
  - Shame is more global—a painful experienceof the self as failing due to character defect inferiority orinadequacy. 1 –
  Survival and Cultural Forces 2 –
  - inhibitions andreactions to behaviors that threaten emotional bonds. Fundamental tothese reactions and inhibitions are guilt and shame which create vulnerability—feeling bad and powerless—when attachment bonds arethreatened. 2 77
    If I threaten the bond—in thought or deed—I experienceguilt. 2 77
    
    If a loved one threatens it I experience shame commonlyreferred to as rejection. 2 77
    
    We usually encounter both at the same time.If I threaten the bond my loved one is apt to reject me thereby addingshame to the guilt; if my loved one threatens the bond I may reactby doing something that threatens it further thereby adding guilt tothe shame. 2 77
    
    the shame.The vulnerability engendered by guilt and shame can be relievedby strengthening the attachment bond 2 77
    
    The modern human ego resists implicitsuggestions of mistakes (guilt) and failure (shame). 2 23
  ego defenses 2 400
  - blame 2 400
  - anger 2 400
  - resentment 2 400
  - denial 2 400
  - avoidance 2 400
  “demand-withdrawal”dynamic 2 400
  - when onepartner wants more closeness than the other can tolerate. 2 400
    The withdrawingparty experiences guilt for his inability to meet the emotionalneeds of his partner and chooses an ego defense against theguilt usually blame (“You’re too needy!”) or anger (“You’re smotheringme!”) or avoidance (“Not now!”). 2 400
  Cultural Reinforcement of Guiltand Shame 3 -42
  - Throughout most of modern history attachment bonds have beenviewed as the cornerstone of stable orderly and cohesive communities. 3 23
  Guilt and Shame vs. Compassion for Selfand Loved Ones 4 -42
  
  Compassion is sympathy for the hurt distress or vulnerability ofanother with motivation to help. 4 -42
  
  Self-compassion is a sympatheticresponse to your own hurt distress or vulnerability with a motivationto heal repair and improve. 4 -42
  
  Unregulated Guilt and Shame 4
  - Block core value and obstructinterpersonal bridges 4
  - Fuel anger resentment ordepression 4
  - Feel like punishment 4
  - Deplete energy 4
  - Lower self-value 4 23
  - Impede compassion 4 23
  - Require validation andabsolution from others 4 23
  - Are likely to make theoffended party feel that youjust want to feel better 4 23
  Compassion 4 23
  - Invokes core value and reinstatesinterpersonal bridges 4 23
  - Is incompatible with anger andresentment; relieves depression 4 23
  - Feels soothing 4 23
  - Generates energy 4 23
  - Raises self-value 4 23
  - Regulates guilt and shame 4 23
  - Is self-rewarding andself-validating 4 23
  - Is likely to make the offendedparty feel valued 4 23
  EXERCISE 5 603
  - Make an honest and sincere effort to root out your hidden guilt andshame in the following exercise 5 603
    If you’re resentful angry anxious How to Change Hidden Guilt and Shame into Self-Compassion107obsessive or depressed after intimate betrayal you certainly havehidden guilt and shame that must be converted to self-compassion. 5 603
    
    Changing Guilt and Shame to Self-Compassionand Compassion for Loved Ones 6 2
    
    Guilt and Shame 6 2
    - (Example: I wasn’tthere for thepeople I love in themonths followingmy ex’s betrayal.) 6 2
      (Example: Iinsensitively hurtthe feelings of aloved one whenshe said that shemissed my ex.) 6 2
      
      (Example: I lied to myloved ones aboutthe abuse I sufferedin my marriage.) 7
      
      Example: I ignoredcalls from myestranged fatherwhen he reachedout to me after myex’s betrayal.) 7 45
    ApplySelf-Compassion 6 2
    - (Example: I was inpain like millionsbefore me whohave enduredintimate betrayal.I will make adedicated effort tobe there for lovedones in the future.) 6 2
      (Example: I was notin touch with mycore value; Imisinterpreted herfeelings as anotherbetrayal. I will bemore discerning inthe future.) 6 2
      
      (Example: I was soashamed of it thatI couldn’t face thetruth myself. I willembrace the truthin the future.) 7 7
      
      (Example: At thatvulnerable time Icouldn’t let myselfthink about thelong-term issues Ihave with my father.) 7 7
    Show Compassion 6 2
    - (Example: I will set upan “appreciation”meeting or lunchwith each loved oneI have neglected.) 6 2
      (Example: I will let herknow that herfeelings areimportant to meand that there isno excuse for whatI said or for failingto consider her.) 6 2
      
      (Example: I will assuremy loved ones thatthey deserve thechance to becompassionate andhelpful to me. I willbe honest and openwith them.) 7 7
      
      (Example: Althoughmy father is adeeply flawedperson who washurt early in hislife he has somecaring and worthyqualities. I am notready to resume arelationship withhim but I appreciatethe gestures of lovehe has made.) 7 7
  Rational Guilt and Shame 7 52
  - Once again most of the guilt and shame you experience aboutyour betrayal are irrational artifacts of the early days of species evolution when preserving attachment bonds was necessary for survival 7 52
    But you will also have some rational guilt and shame about simplehuman mistakes you’ve made and a few personal failures of the sortthat everyone occasionally commits in intimate relationships. Thesefeelings will prevent healing and growth if ignored explained away or justified. 7 52
    
    attachment guilt andshame are motivations to connect to loved ones; 8 6
    - they will persistentlyreemerge until you act on the motivation to connect. 8 6
      As with all emotions guilt and shame lose their motivationalpower when we focus too much on how they feel and not enough onwhat they tell us to do 8 6
      
      Focus on the feelings themselves rather thanacting on their motivations to connect is likely to make you look fora quick fix to temporarily numb the pain (through blame anger oralcohol) or distract from it with compulsive behaviors (such as workingall the time) or obsessions (thinking endlessly about somethingelse). 8 6
      
      Quick fixes for guilt and shame typically lead to more failureand violation of values which produce still more guilt and shame 8 6
      
      if allyour love relationships are abusive or conflicted or simply will notsupport meaningful improvement you can effectively substitute communalor spiritual connections to reduce guilt and shame and enhancecore value. 8 6
  EXERCISE: Rational Guilt 8 489
  - Divide a piece of paper into three columns. At the top of the firstcolumn write: “Things I regret doing or not doing.” Then fill in thecolumn with as many things as you can think of that you regret 8 5
    - (Note: Don’t explain or justify the behavior you regret—that will onlymake you angrier and worsen the guilt and shame.) 8 5
    At the top of the second column write: “Self-compassion for thehurt or vulnerability I experienced before I did what I regret” and fillin that column. 8 5
    
    And at the top of the third column write: “What Ican do now to honor my values (and feel authentic)” and fill in thatcolumn as well. 8 5
    
    Things I regretdoing or notdoing 9 4
    - I regret that I ignoredmy wife and madeher feel alone in ourmarriage. That didnot justify her affairand desertion ofour family but mybehavior was aviolation of mycore value. 9 130
      I regret that I wascritical anddefensive inmy marriage. 9 130
    Self-compassionfor the hurt orvulnerabilityI experiencedbefore I didwhat I regret 9 4
    - I didn’t know how toresolve the fear Ifelt about losing herwhenever we couldget close and soI distanced myselffrom her. I will notmake that mistakeagain. 9 4
      I felt criticized byothers my whole lifeand had grownhighly sensitive tofeedback by thetime I got married.I know that I cangive and receivefeedback fromloved ones withoutbeing critical ordefensive. 9 177
    What I can donow to honormy values(and feelauthentic) 9 15
    - I will make an effortto connect withsignificant peoplecurrently in my life;I will call my motherweekly make surethat my childrenknow that I amthere for them write a thank-youletter to friends whohave supportedme strengthenmy communityconnections andrenew my spirituallife. 9 15
      will make an effortto stay connectedwhen loved onestell me somethingI don’t like understanding thatwe can reachresolution only ifconnected. I willmake respectfulbehavior requests making sure that weall agree that therequests are fair. 9 177
  EXERCISE: Anger and Resentment Regulation 120
  - On a piece of paper briefly describe an event in your recent pastthat triggered your anger or resentment. (Example: My ex-wifeimplied yet again that she left me for another man because I wasa bad lover.) Then answer the following questions: 120
    I’m angry but what do I also feel guilty about? 120
    - (Example:I say the same kinds of things about her.) 120
    I’m resentful but what do I also feel ashamed of? 120
    - (Example: I slip so easily into feeling inadequate as a loverduring our marriage.) 120
    What will I do to improve appreciate connect orprotect? 120 335
    - (Example: In future relationships I will open myheart to true intimacy. If problems arise—including sexualproblems—I will address them with my partner from my corevalue in compassionate and respectful ways.) 120 335
  laws of attachment 121 -25
  - #1. Whenever we threaten attachment bonds through withdrawal of interest failure of compassion breach of trust failure to trust diminishment of love avoidance of intimacy or failure to protect we experience some level of guilt. Attachment guilt is a kind of distance regulator whose function is to motivate more emotional investment in the attachment bond. Get close (invest more interest trust compassion love protection) and the guilt subsides; distance further and it gets worse 121
    #2. Whenever we feel that an attachment figure loses interest withholds compassion fails to trust breeches trust withdraws love avoids intimacy or fails to protect we experienceshame and some level of guilt. 121
  Summary 121
  - Most of the guilt and shame following intimate betrayal are irrational due more to ancient laws of attachment than to anything you didor any failures you perceived. 121 -25
    Guilt and shame regarding love relationshipsalways tell us to connect (love better) though not necessarilywith the person who betrayed you. 121 -25
    
    Self-compassion is the naturalconduit to core value healing and growth. 121 -25
Chapter 7-Intimate Betrayal and Post-Traumatic Stress 8
- PTS-Post Traumatic Stress 8 23
  The most familiar type of PTS—the one that gets most of thepress—is caused by an acute stressor or life-threatening event whichexerts an extreme reaction in the central nervous system (CNS 8 23
  
  Types of PTS 8 23
  - life-threatening event 8 23
    - military combat 8 23
    - rape 8 23
    - mugging 8 23
    - gun violence 8 23
    - seriouscar crash 8 23
  - less intense 8 23
    - people who are sued 8 23
    - puton trial for crimes 8 23
    - investigated by the Internal Revenue Service 8 23
    - persecuted 8 23
    - discriminated against 8 23
    - bullied 8 23
    - ridiculed at work or school 8 23
  A Physiological Model 9 –
  
  Common symptoms of PTS 56
  - vivid flashbacks of painful incidents from the past (oftenfrom childhood) 250
  - intense anxiety or fear 250
  - utter confusion and impaired decision-making 250
  - rage 250
  - sorrow hopelessness depression or despair 250
  - high impulsivity 250
  - aggressive or violent fantasies 250
  Triggers and Timing of the Symptoms 101 3
  - PTS symptoms have triggers but they are often difficult andsometimes impossible to discern 101 45
    physical pain is a usefulmodel of how the triggers work and why they’re so hard to figure out 101 45
    
    The brain processes pain on a dedicated neural network that getspriority processing 101 45
    
    If you doubt that imagine this: During a soulful mutually validating talk with your best friend you spill hot coffee onyourself. What do you think your brain will regard as more important paying attention to your friend or attending to your injury? Afterthe burn priority neural networks become hypersensitive. You flinchwhen your hand gets near a hot cup of coffee because the pain hasbeen associated with the heat. This involuntary reaction persists untilrepeated experience over time demonstrates that pain caused by thehot coffee is unlikely to recur as long as you’re careful 101 45
    
    coffee is unlikely to recur as long as you’re careful.Just as sensing heat triggers the flinch in the burn victim’s hand the reinstatement of intimacy trust love or compassion can triggerthe same kind of involuntary “flinch”—waves of negative emotions—after intimate betrayal. 101 45
    
    It is intimacy that led to betrayal and thebetrayed brain will likely associate pain with intimate exposure 101 45
    
    Because feelings of intimacy are often vague with a wide range ofassociated memories (from toddlerhood all the way through yourmost recent experience) specific triggers of PTS responses are hardto pinpoint. But you can bet that in the months following intimatebetrayal the alarm will sound at the most inopportune time—duringa warm embrace with a friend or in a moment of enjoyment with yourchildren or in the midst of pleasant thoughts. Out of nowhere thewaves of negative emotions will crash upon you 101 142
  You Are Not Your Symptoms 29
  - It’s important to know that PTS symptoms are not part of your personality 29
  - They are merely a delayed mostly physiological response topast stressors 29
  - They are a perfectly natural stage of recovery from aprolonged period of stress 29
  Secondary symptoms 395
  - Secondary symptoms are triggeredby the meaning you give to primary symptoms 395
    If you think the abrupt waves of emotion mean that you’re crazy or that you will neverbe well or happy or that you’re defective or dying then the effects arehorrible and you get flooded with adrenaline and cortisol from thesecondary symptoms on top of the primary ones
    
    To heal and grow as you so richly deserve to do you must controlthe meaning of your emotional experience—in other words what itmeans to you and about you. That is the secret of managing the intrusivesymptoms of PTS that so often follow intimate betrayal
    
    The most damaging aspect of PTS symptoms are secondary symptoms or symptoms about symptoms 395
  How to Manage the Symptoms -31
  
  Handle the waves of PTS feelings with gentleness and care.There is good news in them. Their very existence means that thestressor has been removed
  
  No one has nightmares about bombs droppingduring the war
  
  While stressors are active the CNS goes intosurvival mode with no mental resources allotted to “getting back tonormal.”
  
  Only after the stressor is over does the CNS begin to recalibrateto normal. That is why a diagnosis of post-traumatic stress disorder(PTSD) cannot be made until at least three months after thestressor has been removed
  
  Signs of Healing
  - The symptoms are temporary
    - Unless you feed them withspeculation about why they’re occurring or what theymean about you or your present relationships they willlast no more than a few minutes.
    They are a sign of healing
    
    They’re not about now; they’re residual effects of somethingthat happened in the past.
    
    The best way to handle the waves of negative emotion is to sitback and let them wash over you. 503
    
    Say to yourself “Oh here’s one of those temporary waves. It doesn’t mean anything and it will soonpass. I’m okay now and I’ll be better in a few minutes.” 64
    
    The symptoms are a lot like waves at the beach. If you try to standup to crashing ocean waves they can grind you into the sand. But ifyou dive under them you’re aware only of a force whooshing quicklyover you 64
    
    under them you’re aware only of a force whooshing quicklyover you. Allow the PTS symptoms to wash over you like the sensationof swimming under waves at the beach. Then they will last nomore than a few minutes with minimal discomfort. Managed in thisway they will most likely diminish in frequency and intensity untilthey stop altogether
  CVB EXERCISE FOR PTS 659
  - Describe a wave of negative emotion you’ve experienced thatseemed to come out of nowhere 40
    Now imagine that during this experience you are reassuringyourself that it is temporary without psychological meaning a merephysiological response a residual effect to past events and a signalthat you are in a healing process that will soon be completed 40
    
    Associatethe images of your core value bank with the symptoms youexperienced. 40
    
    Medication 475
    
    Insomnia -96
    - In the weeks following intimate betrayal almost everyone sufferssome kind of sleep disturbance. Once PTS takes hold sleepingsoundly seems like a faint memory of the distant past. The unfortunateresult is impaired cognitive processes low energy and highererror rates in whatever you try to do. Our ability to regulate emotionsand keep calm and reasonably optimistic under stress falters greatlywith sleep deprivation. 51
      (The brain perceives more vulnerability whentired and is more likely to use the adrenaline of low-grade anger forenergy. 196
      
      That’s why irritability is a hallmark of sleep deprivation 196
    insomnia tips. 170
    - Keep your bedroom as dark as possible 315
      Go to bed and get up at the same time each day 315
      
      Reduce nicotine caffeine alcohol and other stimulants especially after 3 p.m. at least until your insomnia is gone 315
      
      Limit naps to one short one per day no more than twentyminutes. 315
      
      Exercise for thirty minutes a day—walking will do—butnot within three hours of bedtime. 315
      
      Limit activities in bed. Don’t work or watch TV or surfthe web. Just sleep or have sex in your bed. 315
      
      Avoid late dinners and nightcaps. But a light snack of proteinand carbohydrates (such as a couple of crackers withcheese or half a bowl of cereal with milk) helps manypeople sleep. –
      
      Make your sleeping environment comfortable dark andquiet. –
  INSOMNIA EXERCISE 35
  - Collect pictures or draw images to represent one or two items ofeach safe-deposit box of your CVB 35
    On a plain piece of paper draw five vertical lines and three horizontal lines to form the eightsafe-deposit boxes of your CVB. Paste each picture or drawing in itsappropriate box and memorize the images. Whenever you can’t getto sleep lie perfectly still and meditate on the pictures one by one slowly passing in an endless loop in your imagination—no words no numbers no anxiety only soothing images 35
Chapter 9-Overcoming Resentment and the Danger of Trust
- Overcoming Resentment and the Danger of Trust
- Form and Function 400
  - Resentment is a derivative of innate anger although it emerges later inchildhood as children develop a strong sense of fairness. Inherent inresentment is a perception of unfairness—you’re not getting the help appreciation consideration affection reward or praise you deserve. 400
    Resentment shares the physiological characteristics of anger but isless intense and of longer duration; in other words it occupies lower levels of arousal but lasts much much longer. Where anger (whendirected at others) is an aggressive exertion of power to get someoneto back off or submit to what you want (either in reality or in yourimagination) resentment is a defensive way of devaluing and mentallyretaliating against those whom you perceive to be treating you unfairly. 123 -284
- The Resentment Experience: MoreThan a Feeling 123 282
  - Describing what resentment feels like is difficult because it buildsmostly under the radar—by the time you know you’re resentful it’s ina highly advanced stage 123 282
    People often give vague descriptions such as“I’m in a sour mood ” or “I’m just irritable.” If you ask how they feel they’ll likely talk about other people cheating lying manipulating orabusing them. At the same time they will describe resentful others ashaving “a chip on their shoulders.” 123 282
Part III: Loving Again 2
Chapter 10-The Path to Wise Trust 4
- Human beings need to trust. 4 142
  - Trust allays anxiety helps lift depression and makes it possible to consistently invest interest and enjoymentin one another. 4 336
    There could be no civilization enduring health or mental wellness without trust. The most ordinary interpersonal commercial medical and legal interactions would be impossiblewithout some degree of trust. 4 336
    
    Distrust is fraught with anxiety andresentment. No loneliness is lonelier than distrust. 4 336
    
    intimate betrayal impairs the abilityto trust 4 336
- Blind trust 4 531
  - Blind trust puts faith in someone without regard to demonstratedreliability or trustworthiness 4 531
    It’s more a reluctance to experience the doubt anxiety and loneliness of distrust than an endorsement of theother person’s better qualities 5 -235
- Suspiciousness 5 -235
  - Suspiciousness is focused on the merepossibility of betrayal. 5 -235
- Wise trust 5 -235
  - Wise trust assesses the probability of betrayal in recognition that we are all frail creatures capable of betrayal in weakermoments 5 -235
    it’s possible that any of us could betray a lovedone. Blind trust denies this darker characteristic of human nature;suspiciousness exaggerates it. Wise trust is an assessment that theprobability of betrayal is low. 5
    
    Trusting wisely in close relationships is a slow and gradual process.It has to be; any accurate assessment of the probability of betrayalmust be based on the demonstration of reliability over time and understress. Unfortunately there’s a loose cannon in assessing the probabilityof anything at all. In elevated levels anxiety presents a major barrierto wise trust. 5
- Anxiety 5
  - In small doses anxiety is a vital emotion 5 142
    Without it you could bekilled crossing the street and would find yourself largely ill-preparedfor the important tasks of life. 5 142
    
    Anxiety tells you to pay attention because something different might happen 5 142
    
    Simple anxiety is activatedby actual or anticipated change in the environment or in yourimagination. 5 142
    
    It makes you focus on dealing with the pending changeby shutting out most other information. 5 142
    
    The anxiety about a fire inthe room gets you to stop thinking about what you’ll have for lunch soyou can focus on putting out the fire. 5 142
    
    Anxiety becomes a problem when it taps into an underlying senseof incompetence that makes it feel like you don’t know what to do orwhat to focus on. 5 335
    
    The aroused but indecisive brain begins to scan taking in a lot more surface information a lot more rapidly with less discernment of what is relevant. In other words your thoughts race sometimes like a runaway freight train. 5
    
    Because scanning takes in a lot of superficial information assessmentsbased on it have a higher likelihood of error which is why ourjudgments while anxious are often wrong 6 -42
    
    What’s more the scanningprocess itself raises anxiety with its flurry of possibilities most ofwhich are unrelated to the change that triggered the anxiety in thefirst place. 6 -42
    
    The more you scan the more anxious you get. You mayhave noticed this with your children. If you yell at them for makingmistakes you can pretty much bet that they’ll keep making the sameones over and over. Yelling at a child to be careful after he’s droppeda glass for instance makes him unconsciously associate anxiety withpicking up the glass. 6 -42
    
    Instead of focusing on how to pick it up safely his brain begins to scan as soon as he gets near the glass. He pays lessattention to what he’s doing and more to the thoughts racing throughhis mind increasing the likelihood of dropping the glass. If you wantto decrease the likelihood of broken glasses lower his anxiety by softlyand calmly suggesting how to pick up a glass—for example 6 -42
    
    “Be surewhen you pick up the glass that you feel the coolness in the palm ofyour hand.” 6 -42
    
    Focus the opposite of scanning lowers anxiety. Anxietyregulation—a necessity for trusting wisely—requires focus 6
- Anxiety Regulation 6
- A good way to gain focus while anxious is to give your racingthoughts answers 6
- This will slow down the scanning of unlikely possibilitiesand allow focus on the more likely ones 6
- 1. Write down some of the thoughts that race through your mindwhen you’re anxious 6
- 2. Record your answers 6
- My Racing Thoughts My Answers Exercise 7 19
  - (Example: I’ll screw things up.) 7 19
    - (Example: I’ll try my best toavoid mistakes and to correctany I might make.) 7 19
  - (Example: My friends willabandon me.) 7 19
    - (Example: If my friendsare displeased I’ll explainmy intentions sincerelyand honestly.) 7 19
  - (Example: My childrenwill hate me.) 7 19
    - (Example: I’ll let them knowhow much I care about them.If they display negativefeelings I’ll let them knowthat they can safely expresstheir feelings to me.) 7 19
  - (Example: No one willlove me.) 7 19
    - (Example: I will try to seeother people’s perspectivesand be more compassionate.My compassion will makeme feel more lovable.) 7 19
  - (Example: I’ll hatedating again.) 7
    - (Example: I’ll give myselftime and when I’m ready I’ll try to find somethingto like about dating suchas meeting new people orgetting to know them better.) 7
  - (Example: My work team willlose the contract.) 7
    - (Example: We’ll work hardto keep that from happening but if it does we’ll learnfrom it and do better thenext time.) 7
Chapter 11-How to Know If You’re Dating a Future Betrayer 8
- The first big test on the path to wise trust comes in dating. My heartfeltreason for including this brief chapter comes from so many storiesof hurt clients who rushed into dating only to be betrayed yet again.It can happen to anyone. In general the people most likely to betrayintimate bonds are quite skilled at pretending to be everything you’vealways wanted in a partner. They can be so seductive that you areunlikely to notice the red flags of future betrayal—deceitful angry controlling possessive jealous overly flirtatious or violent behavior—until you’re already attached and feeling protective. 8 315
  Berrayal Early Warning Signs 8 557
  
  Sign #1: Blaming 35
  - Avoid anyone who blames his negative feelings and failures onsomeone else. You have to be really careful here; blamers can seduceby making you look great in comparison to previous partners 133
    “You’re so smart sensitive caring and loving—not like thejerks I usually meet.” 181
    
    “You’ve shown me all the things that love should be just whenI thought that only cheats and liars dated anymore.” 181
    
    “You’re so calm and together; he was so crazy and paranoid.” 181
    
    “You’re so sweet and honest you would never betray me likeshe did.” 181
    
    “Why couldn’t I have met you before I got involved with thatself-centered jerk?” 181
  Sign #2: Resentment 0 96
  - Resentful people feel like they are notgetting the help consideration praise reward or affection they thinkis due them. They get so caught up in their “rights” and locked intotheir own perspectives that they become insensitive to the rights andperspectives of others. Of course the resentment will not be directedtoward you at first but you will most likely see it in their references toothers. If you come to love a resentful person you’ll eventually bearthe brunt of that resentment and almost certainly feel diminished inthe relationship. Eventually you’ll feel betrayed 0 96
  Sign #3: Entitlement 0 33
  - People with a sense of entitlement feel that they deserve specialconsideration and special treatment. They may cut in front of otherswaiting in line smoke wherever they want drive any way they want say anything they like and do pretty much whatever they choose with little consideration of others 0 33
    Driven by high expectations of what other people should do forthem they feel offended when the world doesn’t cooperate. (And theworld won’t cooperate with entitlement needs once they’re over fiveyears old and not so cute anymore.) So it seems only fair from their myopic perspectives that they get some kind of compensation fortheir constant frustrations. Typical rationalizations include: 0 630
    
    “It’s so hard being me I shouldn’t have to wait in line too!” 1 -86
    
    “With all I have to put up with I deserve to take a few suppliesfrom the office.” 1 -86
    
    “With the kind of day I had how could they expect me tolisten to their problems?” 1 -86
    
    “All the taxes I pay and they bother me about this littlededuction!” 1 -86
    
    “The way I hit the golf ball today I should get the best seat inthe restaurant!” 1 -86
    
    “She just flat out refused to cook my dinner so she got whatshe deserved.” 1 -86
    
    “He said he loved me but he hardly ever bought me things.No wonder I was attracted to someone else.” 1 106
    
    During the glow of infatuation the entitled person will regardyou as equally entitled to special consideration from others. He’ll“support” you to take all you can from “unfair” others. But after theglow wears off his feelings preferences and desires will clearly bemore important than yours. If you agree with that you’ll get depressed.If you disagree you’ll get betrayed 1 252
  Sign #4: Superiority 1 543
  - Potential betrayers tend to have hierarchical self-esteem; that is they need to feel better than others to feel okay about themselves.They constantly point out ways in which they are smarter more sensitive or more talented than others. This behavior can be seductive in as she’ll insist that you too are superior. (You must be tomerit her company.) But the hierarchy will become clear over time with you on the bottom. 1 640
    predatoryself-esteem 2 -221
    - The most abusive form of hierarchical self-esteem is predatory self-esteem. To feel good about themselves those with predatory selfesteemneed to make other people feel bad about themselves. Peoplewho disagree with them or fail to recognize their talents are “stupid ”“ignorant ” or “narrow-minded.” 2 -221
      Many will score high on self-esteemtests if they come for treatment (usually under court order) whileeveryone else in their family tests low. But once intervention increasesthe self-esteem of the emotionally beaten-down spouses and children who then no longer internalize the put-downs as a consequence oftheir “inferiority ” the self-esteem of predators plummets. They simplycan’t feel good when they can’t make others feel bad. 2 -221
    self-righteousness 2
    - A variation on this very early warning sign is self-righteousness.People who disagree with the self-righteous are worse than “wrong”:they’re “immoral”! Those who don’t keep house a certain way have noidea how “decent” people should live. If you don’t meet their whims you’re selfish and unlovable 2
  Sign #5: Sarcasm 2 361
  - Sarcasm comes in many forms. Sometimes it’s just poorly timedhumor—saying the wrong thing in the wrong context. Sometimes it’sinnocently insensitive with no intention to hurt or offend. Moreoften it’s hostile and meant to devalue. The purpose is to underminesomeone or to shake her confidence either for a temporary ego gainor for some strategic advantage 2 361
    Sarcastic people tend to be heavy into impression management often trying too hard to sound smart or witty. In dating their sarcasmwill be directed at others. In a relationship it will center on you. Ifyou are hurt by their sarcasm they will criticize you for having a “poor sense of humor.” They’ll feel misunderstood and unappreciated mostof the time. In their minds those feelings will justify whateverbetrayal they choose to enact 2 603
  Sign #6: Minor Jealousy 3 32
  - Minor jealousy is more subtle than the obvious red flag of controllingand possessive behavior. It looks more like this: Your date isslightly uncomfortable when you talk to—or even look at—someoneyou might possibly be attracted to. Nothing will be said but theuncomfortable feeling is apparent 3 32
    Jealousy even in mild forms is a potent predictor of future betrayal 3 32
    
    The tough thing about minor jealousy in dating is that you actuallywant a tiny bit of it to know that the other person cares. (Youwouldn’t want to love someone who couldn’t care less if you slept withthe entire volleyball team.) But a little bit of jealousy goes a long longway. Think of it as a drop of powerfully concentrated liquid in a hugebucket of water. More than a tiny drop will poison any relationshipyou might develop and more important put you in harm’s way.Jealousy even in mild forms is a potent predictor of future betrayal. 3 32
  Sign #7: Rushing 3
  - I have had many women clients complain that their new boyfriendsdon’t try very hard to pursue them or to sweep them off theirfeet. I always say “How lucky you are!” 3
    “too fast” 3
    
    Those who go “too fast” (defined as whatever makes you uncomfortable)do not respect personal boundaries. (One way to define“abuse” is “behavior that violates personal boundaries.”) 3 2
    
    The rusher will often promise at least implicitly to meet all your desires andpreferences a promise impossible to keep. A telltale sign is hisoffering a bit more than you think you deserve in the early stages ofthe relationship. It is not flattering to have someone want you so muchthat she doesn’t care whether you’re comfortable with her desires andintentions. Make sure that anyone you date shows respect for yourcomfort level. A lover insensitive to your internal world will likelybetray you. 3 2
  Sign #8: Childlike Playfulness and Affection 4 93
  - Few characteristics are more seductive than playfulness and childlikeexpressions of affection. A playful lover can revitalize your emotionsand reawaken a sense of sheer joy. But as with most good things there’s a downside. 4 93
    People who play with toddler-like innocence tend to be toddlerlikein other ways as well. They are likely to use the toddler defensesof blame denial and avoidance rendering the most minor relationshipnegotiation impossible. You’re likely to witness subtle hints ofimpatience entitlement envy and temper tantrums in their dealingswith others. These will increase in frequency and intensity as yourrelationship progresses. You might enjoy the playfulness and affectionin a potential lover but be sure not to overlook it as an early warningsign of potential betrayal 4 93
  Very Early Warning Signs Checklist 5 56
  - Identify how many times on your last three dates or visits youwitnessedyour partner do the following to you or to someone else: 5 56
    blame 5 56
    
    show resentment 5 56
    
    display a sense of entitlement or expect special consideration 5 56
    
    act superior 5 250
    
    be sarcastic 5 250
    
    show minor (or any kind of) jealousy 5 250
    
    rush you for more contact or intimacy or commitment 5 250
    
    suddenly withdraw playfulness and affection to pout or get angry 5 250
  Trust in Yourself 4 384
  
  While prudent concern in dating is a good thing you want to be surethat your caution is proactive rather than reactive; you want it basedon trust of your perceptions and instincts rather than distrust of loveand relationships. The ability to trust yourself rises from your corevalue. 4 384
Part IV: Rebuilding a Betrayed Relationship 4
Chapter 12-Intimacy and the Hungry Heart 8
- During the long recovery from intimate betrayal a bruised heart islikely to grow hungry for intimate contact. It may weaken from thathunger but it will never starve to death. Sooner or later the hungryhearts of most betrayed people kick through any remaining defensivewalls to feed on love. 8
  Human beings come into the world with a drive for intimate contact.But if the most important attachment relationships provide morepunishment than reward as in intimate betrayal the drive to love isconstrained by fear and shame. Eventually the recovering heart though hungry for intimacy is likely to feed on the only emotionalexperience forceful enough to break through inhibitions of fear andshame: passion. 8
  
  Intimacy vs. Passion 8
  
  Passion 8
  - Passion is the fast food of love immediately gratifying and filled withcalories but with little of the nutritional value of true intimacy 9
    Interms of relationship function passion brings us together but intimacykeeps us together; passion moves us but intimacy makes us grow 9
  illusion of sameness. 9
  - When emotions run high partners tend to project their feelings onto each other: “If I feel this you must feel it too.” Their mutual projection creates an illusion thatthey are somehow merged. I call it the illusion of sameness 9
  Intimacy vs. the Illusion of Sameness 9
  - The biggest mistake we make in regard to intimate connection isassuming that our partners’ experience is the same as ours and thatthe events we experience and the behaviors we enact mean the sameto them as they do to us 9
    This singular illusion is largely a product ofthe hormone that mediates the formation of emotional bonds 9
  Oxytocin 9
  - Oxytocin causes feelings of closeness warmth and trust as it facilitatesidealized projections. The illusion of sameness allows us to createsome measure of safety in the face of the vulnerability that intimateconnections evoke. To ward off feelings of inadequacy and fear ofrejection we talk ourselves into pleasant delusions 9
  pleasant delusions 9
  - “Our hearts beat as one.” 9
  - “We’re soul mates.” 9
  - “We’re so close that we complete each other’s sentences.” 9
  - “She really believes in me.” 9
  - “He really gets me.” 0
  The price of any safety and security the illusion of sameness 0
  - The price of any safety and security the illusion of sameness mayoffer is an inability to see our partners apart from our feelings aboutthem. Partners who want to feel like “soul mates” will begin to feelinvisible unheard criticized controlled and betrayed when they tryto express their individuality 0
    Most fights in relationships afflictedwith the illusion of sameness can be reduced to the demand “Youmust be more like me and see the world the way I do!” 0
  No “Me-Harmony” 0
  - Lovers who suffer the illusion of sameness inevitably discover thattheir partners are not simply copies of themselves. Your partner almostcertainly has a different temperament different experiences differenthormones or hormonal levels a different trajectory of emotionaldevelopment and different support networks all of which will causehim to give different emotional meanings to events and experiences.If you do not appreciate and respect those differences you will feelbetrayed by them. 0
    To love freely in the highly complex and emotionally demandingmodern world we must respect all our differences appreciate many ofthem and tolerate those we cannot appreciate. The great beauty ofharmony in relationships as in music lies in combinations of differentnotes not endlessly repeated unison. 0
  Intimacy and Discovery 0
  - True intimacy regulates the urge to project feelings onto your partnerby replacing it with appreciation of your separateness: “You add dimensionsto my experience because you’re different from me.” The moreyou are able to love your partner because of your differences the moredimensions of self you gain. In a continual process of discovery you come to know your lover while learning about yourself from the wayyou behave in the context of love. That’s why you can’t really knowyourself until you love another person and you can’t completely knowother people without loving them. 1
    Intimate discovery is not primarily factual; love is not profiling.It’s almost an entirely emotional sense of how we experience the world rather than an intellectual understanding of what we experience.More than just learning that you like sunsets intimacy is understandingwhat sunsets mean to you 1
    
    The discovery process of intimacy yields a kind of binocularvision—the ability to see the world through your partner’s eyes knowingher desires dreams ambitions vulnerabilities and strengths while simultaneously understanding your own. You cannot grasp thereality of an intimate relationship by seeing the world through justone lens—yours or your partner’s. The complete reality of the relationshipemerges only by looking through two separate lensessimultaneously 1
    
    Early Messages of Intimacy-Non Verbal Cues 1
    - body language 1
    - tone of voice 1
    - facial expression 1
    - tension 1
    - relaxation 1
    - focus 1
    - distractedness 1
    - silence 1
    - hesitation 1
    - impatience 1
    - discomfort 1
    - eagerness 1
    - enthusiasm 1
    Intimacy Checklist 2
    - advanced intimate connection 2
      accept one another for who they are 3
      
      experience high regard for each other 3
      
      protect the welfare of one another 3
      
      are “there” for each other to give emotional support duringdifficult times 3
      
      share occasional interest excitement enjoyment and joy as well as sadness loss and disappointment 3
      
      communicate freely on more than practical or superficiallevels 3
      
      Can you disclose anything about yourself to your partner including your deepest thoughts and feelings withoutfear of rejection or misunderstanding? Does your partnerfeel safe in disclosing anything to you? 2
      
      Is the overall message of your relationship “grow expand create disclose reveal”? Or is it “hide conceal thinkonly in certain ways behave only in certain ways feel onlycertain things”? 2
      
      Do you feel that you can both develop into the best peopleyou can be as the relationship progresses? 2
      
      Does your partner fully accept that you have thoughts beliefs preferences and feelings that differ from his? Canhe respect those differences and accept them without tryingto change them? 2
      
      Do you want to accept that your partner has thoughts beliefs preferences and feelings that differ from yours?Can you respect those differences and accept them withouttrying to change them? 2
      
      What are your primary dreams and ambitions? Does yourpartner understand and accept them? What are your partner’sdreams and ambitions? Do you truly understand andaccept them? 2
  The Opposite of Intimacy:Emotional Need 3
  - Even after a lot of care and core value work a heart hungry for intimacymay occasionally cry out its longing in anxiety or despair. Whenthat happens we should not confuse the perfectly natural yearningfor a close relationship with an emotional need for one. The bestchance of finding freely given love in a safe relationship is to approachit out of desire not emotional need 3
    “Freedom to love” is a key phrase. To be free to do something wemust be free not to do it. We are free to love only to the extent that wearen’t forced into it in vain attempts to relieve guilt shame or fear ofabandonment or by misguided efforts to make up for past mistakes or worst of all by misinterpreting vulnerable feelings as signals ofemotional need. 3
    
    An emotional need is a preference or desire that you’ve decidedmust be gratified to maintain equilibrium; that is you can’t be well orfeel whole without it. 4
    
    The perception of need begins with a rise in emotional intensity—you feel more strongly about doing this or having that. As theintensity increases it can feel like you “need” to do or have it for onecompelling reason: it’s the same emotional process as biological need.When emotion suddenly rises your brain confuses preferences anddesires with biological needs 4
    
    Here’s how it works: You don’t normally feel anything aboutbreathing until you have difficulty doing it. At that point emotionalintensity spikes to signal an imminent survival threat. Similarly younormally don’t feel anything when your partner is working on hiscomputer. But if you speak to him and he seems to ignore you youremotional intensity is likely to increase until the desire for his attentionseems to be a need for it. Instead of trying to engage your partner’sinterest because you desire it you’ll demand it because you“need” it or punish him for failing to meet your needs. Now which doyou think is more likely to get you the kind of attention you mostdesire from a loved one showing interest in him or demanding thathe “meet your needs?” 4
    
    “meet your needs?”The habit of interpreting preferences and desires as needs vastlyoversimplifies subjective experience. Emotional intensity can rise andfall for a great many reasons most of which have little psychologicalmeaning. For instance your current physiological state (hungry thirsty tired bloated sick agitated hormonal and so on) as well asthe time of day sudden changes in weather and the current state ofyour core value influence variations in emotional intensity to a greaterextent than most preferences or desires. If you’re starving exhausted sick freezing or depressed how loving appreciative communicative safe or secure can you feel? 4
    
    While the body contributes on a cellular level to addiction themind exclusively decides that we have an emotional need. The feelingcan become so powerful that it makes us believe we have holes withinus that someone else must fill. That’s a tragic—and false—assumptionthat almost always leads to bad relationships. No one has holeswithin only drives to create value. 5
  Big Holes Attract Small Cups 6
  - When “I Love You” Degenerates into “MeetMy Needs!” 6
    No matter how seductive “I need you” may sound in popularsongs the partner who “needs” you cannot freely love you 6
    
    Most ofthe painful conflicts of intimate relationships begin with one partnermaking an emotional request—motivated by a perceived “need”—thatthe other motivated by a different “need ” regards as a demand. 6
    
    The more one partner demands the less the other can give; the moreone pleads the farther away the other retreats. Both feel like victims.Indeed any disagreement can feel like abuse when the perceived“need” of one to be validated crashes headlong into the “need” of theother not to feel manipulated: 6
    
    “If you loved me ” one partner argues “you’d do what I want”(or “you’d see the world the way I do”). 6
    
    “If you loved me you wouldn’t try to control me ” the othercounters. 6
    
    “If you loved me you would do this.” 6
    
    “If you loved me you wouldn’t ask me to do that.” 6
    
    As long as you perceive yourself to have emotional needs that yourpartner must gratify your desire to love is reduced to “getting yourneeds met ” which your partner takes to mean that he has to give upwho he is to meet your needs.” 7
    
    If you believe you have holes within you will almost certainlyattract a partner with a small cup to fill them. Here’s why.For one thing people with big cups—that is people who have alot of love to give—don’t look for partners with big holes. They wantpartners who also have big cups who can give as much as they get ina relationship. But if I perceive myself to have a small cup or notmuch to give I’ll be attracted to someone who thinks she has bigholes because her “emotional needs” will inspire me to become herrescuer or hero or whatever idealization she projects. Of course Iwon’t be able to uphold the role of giver or rescuer for very long because it’s so unnatural for me and my small cup. Eventually I’llcondemn her for the very “needs” that first attracted me: “Nobodycould meet your needs; you’re insatiable!” 6
  Become the Partner You MostWant to Be 7
  - So how do you get what you want in intimate relationships? 7
    Think ofGandhi’s famous quote about being the change you wish to see in theworld. Due to the relationship dynamics known as positive reciprocityand negative reactivity (Margolin and Christensen 1981) people inintimate relationships tend to respond in kind to positive and negativeactions by their partners especially under stress 7
    
    Caring usuallyprompts caring: 7
    - “I feel bad that you’re hurt.” 7
    - “I feel bad that you’re hurt too.” 7
    Anger tends to create power struggles: 7
    - “You have to do what I want.” 7
    - “No you have to do what I want!” 7
    And resentment breeds resentment: 7
    - “I don’t care about your feelings but you must care about myfeelings.” 7
    - “Well I don’t care about your feelings either because you don’tcare about my feelings.” 7
  set point of happiness 8
  - Research has taught us that your best chance of being happy in anintimate relationship is to be happy before it starts. The data suggestthat there is a set point of happiness to which we tend to revert followingpositive and negative life experiences 8
    People can suffer great loss even cripplingaccidents or disease and within a couple of years rise to their level ofhappiness from before their misfortune. Similarly joyous events suchas getting married winning a lottery or getting a great job have apositive effect only for a year or so before we revert to our original setpoints of happiness. 8
    
    You can change your set point for happiness but the change hasto come from within not from marriage lotteries or success at work 8
  Your best chance of finding a partner you can be happy with is to behappy on your own. And the key to that happiness is to live accordingto your deepest values 8
  
  relationship surveys we use at CompassionPower we askpeople what kind of partners they would like to have and what kindof partners they would like to be 8
  
  In general people want to be loving compassionate supportive and sexy. They want their partners to bethose things too. But they also want them to be generous flexible and fair. 8
  
  Like it or not we have to develop the self-awareness to knowwhen we’re being the partners we most want to be. But it’s worth theeffort; it’s really the only chance of finding a safe intimaterelationship 9
  
  EXERCISE: What I Want in a Partner 9
  - On a sheet of paper list and describe the qualities you would like ina partner. Follow the example below but list the specific traits andbehaviors that are important to you 9
    I want my partner to be: 9
    - loving—to express affection engage in conversation rub myback 9
      compassionate—to care about how I feel offer help orcomfort make an effort to sympathize with me 9
      
      supportive—to notice when I need help or comfort helpme to think through problems encourage me to do my bestwithout criticism or lecturing 9
      
      sexy—to desire me find me attractive touch me the way Ilike look deeply into my eyes 9
      
      generous—to give freely of time energy spirit and availableresources 0
      
      flexible—to never make up his mind before we discuss it bewilling to entertain different perspectives accept my influence 0
      
      fair—to objectively consider whether a behavior or a requestis just and reasonable and ask my input about its fairnes 0
    THE PARTNER I WANT TO BECOME 0
    - Your best chance of getting the partner you most want to have is tobe the partner you most want to be. And your best chance of gettingwhat you want is to give it. So next list those same qualities again and after each one describe what you can do to give your partnerthe same things you want to receive. 0
      Chances are you wrote many of the same things on both lists. Ifyou use these lists as a guide for giving what you want to receive youwill feel more successful but not because your partner is certain torespond in kind. Although you’ll greatly increase the odds of a reciprocalresponse it’s never guaranteed. What is guaranteed is the inherentreward of doing what you believe is right. 0
    Teach Me How to Love You 0
    
    The worst thing you can do when starting a new relationship isbelieve that you know how to make intimate unions work 0
Chapter 13-Rebuilding a Relationship with Your Betrayer 6 –
- Why I Want to Repair My Relationship 8 -227
  - 1. Love 8
    - a. How much do I love this person? 8
    - b. Is the bond between us a strong one or maintained byhabit convenience or coercion? 8
  - 2. Well-being of our children 8
    - a. How would it benefit our children if their parentsstayed together? 8
    - b. How might it harm them if their parents stayedtogether? 8
    - c. How would it benefit them if their parentsseparated? 8
    - d. How might it harm them if their parents separated? 8
  - 3. Finances 8 23
    - a. What is the financial advantage of repair? 8 23
    - b. What is the financial advantage of termination? 8 23
  - 4. Family and support network 8 23
    - a. How do my family and friends feel about repair? 8 23
    - b. How important (to me) are their feelings about repair? 8 23
  - 5. Shared history 8 23
    - a. How would repairing our relationship honor ourshared history 8 23
    - b. How might separation honor our shared history? 8 23
  - 6. Respect 8 529
    - a. Is my partner a fundamentally good and loving person? 8 529
  Become Clear on What You Want 0 –
  
  What form would it take? 2
  
  To enhance your sense of authentic conviction it’s best to becomeclear in your own mind about what you want from your partner beforeyou try to convey what he has to do to repair 0 116
  
  2 Points – repair betrayed relationships 0 116
  - 1. you mustlook deep within your heart to decide what you want from your partner 0 116
    - There will be contradictory impulses but those are usually moresuperficial and can be resolved on the level of core value—what ismost important and most meaningful to you. 0 310
    2. your partnershould make every effort to comply with whatever you decide youwant him to do to repair your relationship 0 116
    - He must understand thatcompassion isn’t giving what he wants to give; compassion is givingwhat will help you reinvest in a loving relationship. 0 310
  WHAT I WANT FROM MY PARTNER 1
  - Do I want my partner to grasp the full extent of my hurt? 1
    - If so what will my partner’s full understanding of my hurt dofor me? 1
    - If my partner grasps the full extent of my hurt I will be more(check all that apply): 1
      - loving 1
      - affectionate 1
      - compassionate 1
      - flexible 1
      - fair 1
      - generous 1
  - Do I want my partner to answer detailed questions aboutthe betrayal? 1
    - If so what are the questions I would like answered? 1
    - If my partner fully and honestly answers all my questions I willbe more (check all that apply): 1
      - loving 1
      - affectionate 1
      - compassionate 2
      - flexible 2
      - fair 2
      - generous 2
  - Do I want atonement or penance from my partner? 2
    - If so what kind of atonement or penance would I like? 2
  - Do I want my partner to suffer as I have suffered? 2
    - If so what will her suffering do for me? 2
    - If my partner suffers as I have suffered I will be more (checkall that apply): 2
  What Your Partner Cannot Do 3
  - heal you 3
  - make you trust her 3
    - (She must be trustworthy but yourtrust must come from your own healing and will probablytake a long time.) 3
  - resolve your resentment 3
  What Your Partner Must Not Do 4 3
  - ask you to heal him 4 3
    ask you to trust or forgive her (Such a request indicates alack of understanding of the healing process and putsunfair pressure on you to compensate for her mistakes.) 4 3
    
    tell you to “get over it” or “stop living in the past” (Thiskind of command indicates a lack of sufficientcompassion.) 4 3
  What Your Partner Must Do: 4 93
  - value and appreciate you—show that you’re an importantpart of his life 4 23
  - respect you as an equal—listen to you without trying tocontrol you or dismiss your opinions 4 23
  - regulate her guilt shame anxiety resentment and anger without blaming them on you 4 23
  - show compassion—care how you feel especially whenyou disagree 4 23
  - support you emotionally 4 23
  - support you in trying to meet your goals 4 23
  - try to earn your trust over time 4 23
  - make compensatory repair 4 23
  - guarantee your safety 4 23
  Show Compassion 5 -187
  - disagreement about “facts” is a majorblock to the compassion necessary to repair a damaged relationship 5 -187
    Many people have difficulty showing compassion when they disagreewith a partner’s perspective. This is unfortunate because compassionis most necessary when there is disagreement 5 -187
  Support vs. Control 5 3
  - Control Implies the Following 6 3
    - Your perspectives and opinions aren’t valid relevant orimportant 6 -31
    - You are not smart or creative enough to decide things onyour own 6 -31
    - You have to be told what to do and criticized or rejected ifyou don’t do it 6 -31
  - Support respects 6 -31
    - your perspective and opinions even when you disagree 6 -31
    - your competence intelligence creativity and resourcefulness 6 -31
    - teamwork in exploring the best course of action 6 -31
  Earn Trust over Time 6 190
  - The betraying partner deserves compassion unconditionally buttrust must be earned. 6 190
    She must show willingness to comply withwhatever you in good faith from your core value require to feel safein the relationship. 6 190
    
    She should be patient and sensitive to the enormousdifficulty of rebuilding trust and not pressure you to renew itbefore you are ready. 6 190
  Make Compensatory Repair 6 481
  - emotional healing occurswhen the brain associates restorative images with painful memories so that recurrence of the painful memories automatically invokes therestorative images. 6
    Your partner can use this principle to make compensatoryrepair—that is to supply you with restorative images 7 -18
  Guarantee Your Safety 9 562
  
  Epilogue-Healing Repair Forgiveness
Chapter 14-The Compassionate Repair Process
- Time Dimensions of Repair 304
  - Couples struggling to repair betrayed relationships are sometimesmisled by short-term “honeymoons” of reconnection 9
    The great challengein repair is not feeling the attachment emotions of interest trust compassion and love at any point in time; it’s sustaining them over thelong run. 9
    
    Doubt and anxiety inevitably undermine honeymoons andthe ability to sustain the attachment emotions 9
    
    It’s best to rebuild slowly on a solid foundation that can withstand occasional bouts ofdoubt and anxiety 3 7
- Relationship Cycles 4 –
  - The notion of relationship cycles came into public awareness inthe 1980s when the “cycle of violence” gained currency in the popularpress. 4 133
- 4 Stages “cycle of violence” 4 133
  - 1. tension between the partners builds 4 133
  - 2. climaxing in a violentincident 4 133
  - 3. followed by the remorse and honeymoon phase 4 133
  - 4. the couple feels closer for a while 4 133
- Nonabusive relationships 4
  - partners often form habits of drifting apart 4
  - occurrence of exceptional distress such as illness problemsat work 4
  - quarrels with friends or neighbors 4
  - trouble with the children 4
  - death in the family 4
  - conflicts with members of either partner’s familyof origin. 4
  - periods of distress bring the partners closer for atime 4
  - habit-ridden routine resumes control of the relationship 4 27
- Typical Relationship Cycle 5 1
  - Routine 5
  - Stress 5
  - Distress 5
  - Closeness 5
- Duration of the Cycle 5 384
  - The length of the repair process is determined in part by theduration of past relationship cycles particularly the average length ofthe intervals between each stage within the cycle. Typically the “distance”and “routine” stages get longer with time while the others staymore or less the same. 5 384
- Repair Cycles 6 201
  - Routine 6 29
  - Stress 6 29
  - Disctress Compassion 6 29
  - More Compassion 6 29
- Compassion vs. Trust 7 –
  - The best way to approach trust in a betrayed relationship is to forgetabout it until you have time to make decisions based on wise trust 7 93
    right—it’s best to put trust on the back burner for a while 7 93
    
    Merely attempting to trust while you’re still hurt raises fear andanxiety exponentially undermining all attempts to trust. 7 93
    
    Lastingtrust is not a goal so much as a by-product of enhanced core value. 7 93
    
    Focus first on self-compassion and then on compassion for eachother and you’ll find that trust will sneak up on you in its owngood time provided your partner behaves honestly and compassionately—in other words proves trustworthy. 7 93
    
    You’ll wake up one day many months from now and realize that you trust your partneragain. 7 93
    
    Wise trust in a betrayed intimate relationship cannot be expectedto return fully until self-compassion and core value have grown largerthan the fear of being hurt again 8
    
    At that point your unconscious willhave made a judgment about the probability of betrayed trust. Inother words trust will have snuck up on you. Until then follow theadvice of a wise politician: Trust but verify 8
- The Compassionate Repair Process 8 250
  - What will it take for you to feel safe in opening your heart again? 8 250
    The compassionate repair process should begin with you thebetrayed partner presenting a list of behaviors that will help you feelsafe 8 250
- Compassionate Commitment 9 1
  - Because I care about you and our relationship I will make asupreme effort to be compassionate to you 9
    I will recognize that when I feel resentful or angry I’mreally hurt anxious or uncomfortable and that you aremost likely hurt anxious or uncomfortable too. 9 93
    
    I will care when you are hurt anxious or uncomfortable 9 93
    
    I will try hard to heal my hurt regulate my anxiety andimprove my discomfort and I will support your efforts todo the same 9 93
    
    I will always tell you the truth and be honest with you inevery way. 9 93
    
    I will always treat you with value and respect even whenI disagree with you or do not like your behavior 9 93
    
    I will always appreciate the unique qualities you bring toour relationship 9 190
    
    I will not criticize or ignore you 9 335
    
    I will not try to control manipulate coerce threaten orintimidate you or purposely make you feel bad in any way. 9 335
    
    I will try hard to discover and correct the blind spots ofmy behavior 9 335
    
    I will try hard to understand your perspective and sympathizewith your feelings especially when I disagree with you 9 529
    
    I will stay true to my deepest values and try hard to be thebest person and partner I can be 9 529
- The Secret of Recovery 3 185
Chapter 15-The Reconnection Dilemma 0 -2
- Deciding that you want to rebuild your relationship with the partnerwho betrayed you settles only half your dilemma. You still have todetermine the level of emotional reconnection you want to pursue 0
  attachment theory 0 361
  - a way of understanding how emotionalbonds are formed early in life and to a lesser extent how they aremaintained in adulthood. 0 361
    The word attachment aptly describes theeffects of intimate relationships on our minds and bodies. It feels likeour lovers are literally attached to us like we’ve “got them under ourskin.” 0 361
    
    When betrayal tears a couple apart it’s as if a portion of theirflesh is ripped away 0 361
  Attitude of Connection 1
  - Part belief and part emotion attitudes are evaluations based onpersonal values or preferences 1
    If your goal is to repair a damagedrelationship it’s advisable to base your attitudes on how much youvalue a connection with your partner over the long run rather thanhow you feel about her at the moment. 1
  Elements of Connection Attitudes 2
  - Focus on the relationship you want 2
    - Recovery will bog down if you become preoccupied with thoughtsof how the relationship has deteriorated or with speculation aboutpossible causes of the betrayal 2 289
      It’s much more productive to focus onwhat you want your relationship to be in the future than what it wasin the past. 2 289
      
      the humanbrain tends to replay past hurts as long as there is fear of similar hurtin the future. Don’t blame yourself for these thoughts but try not toindulge them. Be patient with yourself in the process and keep focusedon your deepest values 2 289
  - Regard yourself as connected 2
    - Connection is essentially a mental state and a choice. You chooseto be connected and you choose to be disconnected. Constructivechange in behavior is more likely when it’s encouraged by an attitudeof connection rather than discouraged by attitudes of disconnection which are usually fueled by anger disgust or shame 3 –
  - Behave as if you’re connected 2
    - A tried and true behavioral therapy technique is behaving as if thechange you want has already occurred. Think of how many timesyou’ve heard someone say for instance “When I feel better I’ll start to exercise.” Almost always people feel better after they start to exerciseand not before. 3 591
      Behavior change tends to change feelings moreoften than the other way around 4
  - Use binocular vision 2
    - Binocular vision is the ability to see your partner’s perspectivealongside your own and to see yourself through your partner’s eyes 5
      see your relationship through two perspectives at once 5
      
      To appreciate the importance of seeing your partner’s point ofview while maintaining your own compare monocular with binocularvision. Looking through one eye (monocular vision) cuts your cone ofvision in half 5
  - Practice tolerance 2
    - Tolerance in intimate relationships is the ability to accept yourpartner’s opinions emotional states and behaviors when they differfrom yours 9 -105
      The high emotional reactivity that typically follows intimatebetrayal tends to make partners particularly intolerant of anykind of negative emotions in each other. 9 -105
      
      Tolerance of differences is integral to negotiation about specificbehaviors. Without tolerance negotiation can easily deteriorate intopleading demanding or coercing 9 -105
  - Root your connection in common values 2
    - Deep connection is not based on shared preferences of what youlike and enjoy. Rather it’s based on shared values
      Common interestsoften attract people but common values sustain relationships
      
      A couplewhose connection is based on common interests without commonvalues will likely become competitive in their interests
      
      (Instead ofhiking together because they value each other’s company and wellbeing they will want to see who can hike longer or faster.)
  - Build lifelines 2
    - Build LifelinesLike the lines that astronauts use to keep attached to their spacevehicles emotional lifelines provide maximum movement whileproviding lifesaving connection. As a relationship metaphor lifelineskeep us anchored to what matters most 54
  - Establish routine rituals of connection 2
    - Recovery from intimate betrayal depends on routine connection.Small gestures of connection built into your daily routine do wondersto create a stable attitude of connection. 1
      I have found that change in my clients’ behavior becomes permanentwhen connective behaviors are small enough to fit into a dailyroutine
  - 4 Steps – Power Love Formula
    - Step one: make importance gestures
    - Step two: hug six times a day
    - Step three: indulge positive thoughts about your relationship 96
    - Step four: make a contract
  Healing Repair Forgiveness
  
  Facts about Forgiveness
  - You can forgive someone who has betrayed you without resuming arelationship
    And if you decide to resume it forgiveness—as an intentionalact—is unnecessary to repair it.
    
    Forgiveness does not mean condoning or excusing bad behavior
    
    It does not relieve the offender of responsibility or accountability forthe offense. If you want to repair the relationship forgiveness doesnot relieve your partner of having to earn back your trust throughconsistent reparative and trustworthy behavior
    
    Forgiveness requires regulating the impulse to punish resent orcarry a grudge. In recognition of the harm inflicted on the self by actingon the impulse to punish resent or bear grudges forgivenessbecomes an issue of personal health and well-being 105
    
    Your decision toforgive should be based on what is best for your health andwell-being 105
  2 Functions of Forgiveness
  - 1. religious or spiritual
    - the betrayer who needs to cleanse his soul through consistent reparative and compassionate behavior. Thebetrayed needs to heal grow learn and develop more viable defenses but she doesn’t need to “cleanse the soul” for having been betrayed. 6
  - 2. relationship detachment
    - In the psychological sense most relevant to intimate relationships detachment from an emotional bond occurs at the point whereyou become able think about your former lover without significantpositive or negative emotion. In other words you’re “over it.” Thatkind of forgiveness is described as bringing “peace.” Unfortunately detachment through forgiveness is rare. 6
  disgust
  - The literal meaning of disgust is to throw up an ingestedsubstance the body perceives as harmful
  - is a good metaphorfor attachment that goes bad
  - We get the former beloved “out of us ”like milk gone sour through disgust.
  6. common detachment process
  - 1. being dumped betrayal
  - 2. period of intense grief
  - 3. resentment
  - 4. contempt
  - 5. disgust
  - 6. relief
  secret of forgiveness 23
  - The secret of forgiveness regardless of whether you want to use itas a method of detachment or as a way to fortify your relationshipafter repair is to focus not on the offensive behavior but on freeingyourself of the emotional pain you experienced as a result of thebehavior 23
    The most severe aspect of emotional pain is the sense of powerlessnessit engenders. Intentional forgiveness helps you take backpower over your emotional life 23
    
    Example: “I forgive you forreminding me that I sometimes feel devalued inadequate and unlovable.I know that I am valuable and worthy of love because I value andlove others. Whenever I think of how you hurt me I will value someoneor something and show love to a significant person in my life andthat will remind me of how valuable and lovable I truly am.” 23
Final Point 0
- Virginia Satir (1983) compared life to a gardenwith rocks and flowers 0
  We can’t do much about the rocks of life—whether people lie to us cheat on us steal from us hurt us or otherwisebetray us. If we focus on the rocks life will be bleak and forlorn.But we can always plant more flowers (create more value). The moreflowers we grow the less important the rocks are and the moreenriched life becomes. The human psyche heals itself by plantingmore flowers. 0
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- Rigel Arcayan

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