Jejunostomy What If? Day 0036

Dear Ate, Dayline, Bebs and Chadd,

Last week as I was reading my journal on the week leading to 12/19, I had a few questions in mind.
1. What if jejunostomy was carried out?
2. Will Mom be able to go home?
3. Will the outcome be different?

I’ve did some reading about jejunostomy +complications and found this paper, please take a look so that you will understand Mom’s predicament.  I also sent you the "emotional evanescence" article a while back, emotional evanescence in psychology is somewhat a way for us humans to maintain balance in our thinking. But the key to go back to normalcy (emotional stability) when negative events happened is to "make sense" of it.  Making sense – meaning, you have to understand what took place, the negative and positive outcome etc and know what really happened.  Of course we won’t really know what took place physically but at least we can understand the physical failure point of Mom’s body.  Mom had a digestive system failure (gastric outlet obstruction) which led to the discovery of pancreatic cancer that spread to her liver, colon and bone. We did our best for her until December 19, 2018 at 8:51pm she passed away with all of her children surrounding/accompanying her up to her last breath.

http://www.ijcasereportsandimages.com/archive/2014/011-2014-ijcri/CR-10447-11-2014-jethwani/ijcri-1044711201447-jethwani.pdf
http://www.danielgilbert.com/Wilson%20(Evanescence).pdf

Dec14th, Friday, Jejunostomy declined by the doctor
Dec16th, Sunday, Mom first distress
Dec17th, Monday, Mom had a good day. Also the day Bebs bought the AC.

Fast forward-Dreams
1. Hyades’ Dream: Mom came back dead
2. Chadd’s Dream: ICU-Regular Room-Home

I think both of your dreams answered my questions.
1. Jejunostomy carried out, she goes to ICU then move to regular room and we eventually goes home.
2. But the ending is the same. Mom will eventually dies.

Grieving is a process and there is no shortcut to it. We all been through with Dad 36 years ago and even up to now, I still misses him. How much more with Mom? I am pretty sure that we will miss her the more because we spent more time with her and we have great memories together.

Please don’t repress (put out of one’s consciousness) your grief. Allow yourself to feel the loss. Go through the pain by looking at the pictures at the hospital, the wake and cemetery. Talk to Mom, tell her that it hurts. Tell her everything that you feel and think. Listen to the recording.  Repeat this process until you come into reality that she is really not here anymore. (I have not reach this point yet)

I have a weird way of grieving.
1. I started sleeping at 8pm everyday and waking up at 4am just like my life in Rm249
2. Every after work on my way home while driving (30 minute drive) I open Mom’s pictures and play my favorite piano background music. This action places me back during the difficult times. Sometimes I cry and come home so sad and then Britta asks me what happens… then we will have great conversation about Papa also.

Things that came to light lately:
1. Mom’s loss is real and I cannot change a thing.
2. I can honor her by being courageous. Strengthening my emotional responses so that I will not become a burden to my surroundings.
3. Being courageous means that I will look at today’s task/burden and a little bit of my future. 
4. I will continue to live a full life to show Mom and Dad that the seed that they planted is in some way growing to the fullest of what it can be.

Sometimes I’m silent in the FB Messenger, it’s my nature…you all can see if I read your comments.  Most of the time, silent is yes for me.

I love you all.  May our family continue to be loving forever.  Please don’t hesitate to share any problems/setbacks that you are experiencing. Te, if you need anything, please let us know.

Dongding