BookNotes: Sex Drive-In Pursuit of Female Desire

Book- Sex Drive-In Pursuit of Female Desire
Author-Clayton
ISBN-978 174175 6661
Chapters: 10
Pages: 362
myRating: 5 Stars

On my last entry, I mentioned about the Principle: Don’t Jump To Conclusions . Ok, here’s my plea, don’t jump to conclusion and start your investigation or inquiry/imagination why I am reading a book with this title. I don’t need to explain or justify my reasons here why I spent 48 hours studying the subject.  I understand that  there is no biblical passages found in this book.  But why? You may wonder about my reasons and purpose but please don’t jump to conclusions.  Someone said “Knowledge is Power”.  When you learn something you don’t know, it becomes a stored energy within you and with the right moment and right circumstance, you can harness that power and turn it into something useful and productive and meaningful.  Convinced?  You don’t have to…

Seriously, here’s my reasons of reading this book:
1. I’m taking another one-week vacation from work and tired of reading technical and computer books, mowing my yard, inventing something, reading Instructables, taking notes on Hyper-V issues etc [Samsung lift the mandatory vacation but this week was already approved]
2. I wanted to know why sweet, good and loving couples end up in separate houses and different partners over time.
3. Just curious about the subject
4. Knowledge, I just want to know …

Warning:
1. If you are a wife, read this book
2. If you are a husband, read this book
3. Others, do not read this book, it’s not for you. It does not apply to you!

 

0-Crisis in women’s sexuality
It’s the end of another long day and you’ve barely survived
it. You stand at the mirror and brush your teeth, scrutinizing
the lines on your face. You wonder, as you open the little
bottle, when you started using cream specifically for the
under-eye region. Was that the point when you started
ageing?

You crawl into bed and rest your body against your partner’s
solid form. Although he is also tired, his mouth finds your
neck and his hands bring you closer. But you don’t want the
intimacy, the physical connection. You’d like to sleep, read
your novel, or analyze why your co-worker is so mercurial.
Besides, you don’t feel the least bit sexy, and everybody
knows that’s the key to everything.

When it comes to women’s priorities, is sex on top? A study
discussed later in the book estimated that 43 per cent of
American women are dissatisfied with sex.1 A Canadian
journal reported that 30–35 per cent of women experienced a
lack of sexual desire.2 Research in Germany found that once a
woman is in a secure relationship her sex drive begins to
plummet.3

Women are collectively not in the mood because inside our
cerebral cortex, where arousal originates, there is a to-do list
that is never-ending. And just when it looks like you’ve
nailed all the tasks, another lot file in, obliterating any thought
of sex.

DINS-double income no sex;

“Libido refers to our sexual drive, but also our general vigor
and enthusiasm. Low libido leads to reduced interest in sex
and reduced creative expression of our sexuality. However,
rather than dissipating altogether, our libido often gets
funneled from sex into other areas of our life: Our career can
gobble that intense, heady focus. As can our homes, dinner
tables and wardrobes. And most undoubtedly, a singular
absorption with our children can supersede even the early,
blossoming stage of limerence.
In other words, often it is not that our libido is low, but rather
that our creative energy is being directed elsewhere, from
seduction and carnality to more contained pursuits.”

10-Bringing Sexy Back
most cases, the advice given to women with low libido is talk to your doctor
but most women, this is the last thing they want to do
other advices: do home research, consult self-help books
other forms of treatment: acupuncture, herbal remedies or sexuality workshop
when you visit a doctor: questions about:
1. medical history
2. hormonal status
3. changes in sexual interest
4. trouble with arousal
5. orgasm or vaginal dryness
6. pain
7. emotional distress
8. use of medication

Category of Sexual Problems
1. can’t get it up
2. can’t get it in
3. can’t be bothered

5 Scale of Sexual Desire
1. Initiatory—here you are motivated to have sex, look out for
sexual opportunities and feel, in her words, ‘horny’
2. receptive—in the next level, you are receptive to sex and
willing to engage if your partner initiates
3. available—here you are prepared to have sex, but don’t feel
spontaneous lust
4. neutral—your motivation to engage in sex is low
5. disinclined—you experience no lust or interest in sexual
activity.

Sex therapy does not have a good success rate
Who in the relationship is in the best position to fix the sexual stalemate?
Is it you? Is it him?

Newton’s Law of Motion

Why not think about love the way we think about the laws of
motion? Here is Newton’s first law: An object’s inertia
causes it to continue moving at the same speed and in the
same direction unless it is acted upon by an unbalanced
force. Inertia, then, means resistance to change. If the forces
on us are balanced—that is, in equilibrium—change will not
occur.

“Inertia is also what happens in long-term relationships, which
start off heady and intoxicating, but over time drain
themselves of passion. We can counter the sexual stalemate,
but the wider is the sexual gap between partners, the greater is
the unbalanced force that needs to be applied. The more
established the pattern, the greater the distance one must
bridge. It seems that the longer we stand in the space of lovers
turned friends, or lover punishing lover—the longer we stand
apart and the greater the work required to restore eros.”

“If you are in a relationship where the sexual current has
slowed, an important question to ask is,  Who has the most to lose
if the situation is not improved? If desire remains
dormant, with one partner unsatisfied, what might the
consequences be? Marital incompatibility? Threat of
adultery? Relationship discontinuation? Or simply one or
both of you feeling undesired, unseen?”

“When men cheat, it is often so that they can be seen
differently—as important, powerful, sexy, exciting, larger
than they are in the four walls of their home relationship.
Women, too, may look to a new lover to be heard, witnessed,
appreciated. It is this freshness that gives an affair voltage. At
its heart, an affair is highly narcissistic—more about you than
the other person.”

Get it back:
1. Kiss your partner everyday-turning on the senses
2. Sexual mindfulness-be at the moment, touch with love; be fully engage
3. Turn off “The List”- it should not be in your to do list, be spontaneous
4. Open-eyed-look into each other’s eyes deeply when …
5. Prioritize passion-there is work, parenting, household chores but put passion as #1; create an environment and allow time to have it; set your partner as an important part of your life [again] and just a partner in business or a roommate
6. Schedule a weekly date nights
7. Manufacture danger-take up rock climbing together; ride a roller coasters together; these increases dopamine production;
8. Distance-get away from each other for a while. Think of inertia, a balanced system will stay balanced until a force is applied. Tip the scale or stir the pot sometimes but know your boundaries.
9. Have a romantic meal
10. Think that he or she is your partner for life [you used to have a good time together]
11. Avoid drug treatments, there are side effects.
12. Everything starts in you. Don’t wait for your partner. No one will. 

from Blind Caveman
13. Never give up if there is no evident result, life and relationship is not all about sex
14. Learn to accept each other. You promised that when you said “I do”.

FSFI-Female Sexual Function Index [view Questionnaire]