13 Irrational Beliefs p.41-43 Transforming The Mind [ebook]
#1. It is essential that the person be loved or approved by everyone he or she knows.
This is irrational because it is an unobtainable goal, and if the person strives for
it, the person becomes less self-directed and more insecure and unhappy. Even
those who basically like you, will be turned off by some behaviors and qualities.
The rational person does not sacrifice his or her own interests and desires in
order to be admired, but rather strives to express them, with outflowing
creativity.
“Don’t expect to be loved or approved by everyone you know.”
#2 A person must be perfectly competent, adequate and achieving to be worthwhile.
This again is an impossibility, and to strive compulsorily for it results in a constant fear of failure, and paralysis at attempting anything. Perfectionistic standards quickly alienate partner and friends. The rational individual strives to be fully alive: to do well for his or her own sake rather than to be better than others, to enjoy an activity rather than to engage in it solely for the results, and to learn rather than to try to be perfect.
“Don’t be 100% perfect.” [98% is fine]
#3. People who do wrong must be bad.
‘Wrong’ or ‘immoral’ acts are the result of stupidity, ignorance or emotional disturbance. All people are fallible and make mistakes. Blame and punishment do not usually result in a less stupid, better informed and less neurotic personality. If a rational person makes a mistake, he or she accepts and attempts to understand the cause of the behavior, and does not let it become a catastrophe. At the same time, behavior and ethics can and must
be judged, if law and order are to prevail.
“People make mistakes and it does not mean they are 100% bad”.
#4. It’s unacceptable if things aren’t the way I want them to be.
This is the spoiled child syndrome. As soon as the tire goes flat the awful-izing self-talk starts: ‘Why has this happened to me? I can’t take this!’ The result is intense irritation
and stress. The rational person avoids exaggerating unpleasant situations and
works at improving them, or accepting them if they cannot be improved.
“Sometimes things don’t go your way, accept it joyfully.”
#5. Unhappiness is caused by external circumstances.
When someone is unkind, rejecting, annoying, etc., this is considered the cause of unhappiness. Ascribing unhappiness to events is a way of avoiding reality. In practice, unhappiness comes largely from within, from self-statements interpreting the events. While you have only limited control over others, you are capable of enormous control
over your emotive evaluations. Many believe they have no control over their feelings and that they are helpless; the truth is that we can control how we interpret and emotionally respond to each life event.
“Happiness is our choice. I will not be sad even if I am hurt inside. I choose to be happy no matter what the events/circumstances in front of me.”
#6. Anything that is unknown or uncertain is cause for great concern.
Fear or anxiety in the face of uncertainty, imagining a scenario of catastrophe, makes
coping more difficult and adds to distress if things do turn out to be threatening.
Saving the fear-response for actual, perceived danger allows you to enjoy
uncertainty as a novel stimulation, or exciting experience.
“Enjoy the uncertainty and the unknown. Life is filled with it.”
#7 It’s easier to avoid life’s difficulties and responsibilities than to face them. This is irrational because avoiding a task is often more difficult than performing it and
leads to later complications and problems, and probably loss of self-confidence. An easy life is not necessarily a happy one; on the contrary, a challenging, responsible, achieving life is an enjoyable one. Life is not necessarily ‘fair’; pain and suffering are an inevitable part of human life, accompanying tough, healthy decisions and the process of growth.
“Face life’s difficulties and responsibilities.”
#8. You need someone stronger than yourself to rely on.
Dependency results in loss of individuality and self-expression. Your independent judgment and awareness of your particular needs are undermined by a reliance on a higher authority. This propitiative attitude leads to insecurity as the person is at the mercy of the other’s whim. This is dramatized in the need for a guru or religious Father figure. The rational person does not refuse to seek or accept help when necessary but strives for independence and responsibility, recognizing that risks, while possibly resulting in failures, are worth taking and that failure itself is not a catastrophe.
“Seek/accept help but seek for independence and responsibility. Avoid dependency”
#9. Good relationships are based on mutual sacrifice and a focus on giving.
This belief rests on the assumption that it is better to give than receive, that it is bad or
wrong to be selfish. It is expressed in a reluctance to ask for things, and the assumption that your hidden needs will somehow be divined and provided for. Unfortunately, constant self-denial results in bitterness and withdrawal. The truth is that no one knows your needs and wants better than you, and no one else has as great an interest in seeing them fulfilled. Your happiness is your responsibility.
“Too much self-denial produces bitterness.”
#10. The influence of the past cannot be eradicated.
The presumed influence of the past may be used as an excuse for avoiding changing behavior. Just because you were once strongly affected by something does not mean that you must continue the behavior patterns you formed to cope with the original situation. Those old patterns and ways of responding are just decisions made and dramatized so many times that they have become automatic. You can identify those old decisions,
solutions that seemed valid at the time, and start changing them right now. You can learn from past experience but you don’t have to be the effect of it.
“Learn from the past and forget it. You cannot change what happened”.
#11. Other peoples’ problems and difficulties are disturbing.
Feeling responsible for others’ hardships implies that you have power to control them and the duty to do so. This is an imposition on the others’ freedom to experience and control their own lives and feelings. If requested to do so, the rational person will attempt to do something that will improve the situation. If nothing useful can be done, he accepts that as the reality of the situation. By being too protective over other peoples’ feelings (because ‘people are fragile and should never be hurt’), relationships become full of dead space, where conflicts developed but nothing is said. Honest communication of current feelings need not be taken as an attack upon the personal worth and security of others.
“Don’t mind other people’s business too much.”
#12. There is always a ‘right’ or ‘perfect’ solution to every problem.
This is obviously not necessarily the case but the insistence on finding one leads to anxiety, panic and often dissatisfaction. It is more rational to attempt to (more open-mindedly)
find various possible solutions to the problem and accept the best or most feasible one, doing one’s best to carry it out effectively. An accompanying belief is that there is ‘perfect love’ and a perfect relationship. Subscribers to this belief often feel resentful of one relationship after another – no one matches their expectations.
“There is no right or perfect solution”
#13. When people disapprove of you, it means you are wrong or bad.
You may have done something wrong or bad, and this should be taken note of and if necessary, corrected. But preventing this objective viewpoint is the fear of disapproval,
which sparks chronic anxiety in most interpersonal situations. The irrationality is contained in the imagined generalization of one specific fault or unattractive feature, to a total indictment of self. It is a by-product of low self-esteem (based on a lack of self-acceptance) and the belief that if you don’t please others, they will abandon or reject you. You usually run less risk of rejection if you offer others your true unblemished self. They can either take it or leave it, but if they respond to the real you, you don’t have to worry about letting down your guard and being rejected later.
‘”Sometimes people will disapprove your actions/words, accept it but don’t dwell too long.”
